The Babylon Bee

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Anonymous Sources/Demon Bread/Weird Christian Videos News Show 9.11.2020 Sep 14, 2020

Show notes

This is The Babylon Bee Weekly News Show for the week of 9/11/2020.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like California's progressive green energy grid leading the nation in brownouts, anonymous sources totally confirming that Trump punched a baby, and a man blowing up his house in an attempt to swat a fly. Kyle and Ethan also dig into the video archives to find really weird videos from Christian music and educational programming to talk about how weird they are. For example, why is that loaf of bread talking to us?

Intro

Kyle and Ethan discuss September 11 and Frank J. Fleming's Superego: Fathom Audible release.

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes the video game Fall Guys.

Ethan likes a Youtube Channel called Corridor Crew.

Weird News

Beer made with whale testicle and sheep dung among exhibits at 'disgusting' booze museum

The Swedish museum says people can be "very desperate to get drunk" and in such a situation become "quite inventive"

Other gross brews: wine fermented in a prison toilet, a spit-fermented cornmeal beer from Peru, a Ugandan gin made from fermented bananas, and an ancient Korean beverage fermented from children's faeces and rice, which was thought to be medicinal in the past. There is also a strong Scottish brew served from the mouth of a taxidermied squirrel.

Anheuser-Busch's non-alcoholic 'Dog Brew' quickly sells out

Why not feed the dogs the whale testicle beer

Doctors pull 4ft snake from woman's throat after it slithered in as she slept

Doctors remove 15lb ball of hair from teenager's stomach

Residents rescue donkey with plastic chair stuck around its head

Goat hops into deputy's car, chews on civil papers, head butts officer

Man, 80, blows up his kitchen while trying to swat a fly

Stories of the Week

Governor Newsom Claims Rolling Blackouts Are To Show Support For Black Lives Matter

Summary: California has been experiencing blackouts across the state. While many thought the blackouts were due to poor planning and unrealistic green energy requirements, Governor Gavin Newsom clarified that he ordered the blackouts as a powerful display supporting BLM.

CA passed AB-32 in 2006 which basically says the state should be half green energy by 2025.
CA currently is about 30% powered by wind and solar (mostly solar)
During heatwaves there is no wind, and at night there is no sun, so at night, CA loses nearly 30% of its energy.
SCIENCE!

'Humans Are Basically Good,' Says Man Who Has Never Met A 3-Year-Old

Summary: Local man Chad Bruner says he believes all humans are born good, that altruism is man's natural state, and that it is society and parenting that corrupts them. Incidentally, Bruner had no younger siblings, no kids of his own, not even any nephews or nieces or even some neighbor kids. When asked 'Have you ever even met a three year old once in your life?" he answered no.

Anonymous White House Source Claims Trump Punched A Baby

Summary: According to an anonymous source in the White House, President Trump shocked aides and other staffers last year when he lost his temper and punched a baby in the face.

The Atlantic published a piece saying that Trump called the dead soldiers in a war "losers."
When [John] McCain died, in August 2018, Trump told his senior staff, according to three sources with direct knowledge of this event, 'We're not going to support that loser's funeral,' and he became furious, according to witnesses, when he saw flags lowered to half-staff. 'What the f--- are we doing that for? Guy was a f---ing loser,' the president told aides."
Trump and many from the White House staff have forcibly denied the allegations published in The Atlantic on Thursday, alleging, according to four unnamed sources, that the president referred to dead soldiers buried at the Aisne-Marne American cemetery near Paris as "suckers" and that the land was "filled with losers" during his visit to France in 2018.
People present came out and said it didn't happen, including our favorite walrus, John Bolton.

Topic of the Week

The Babylon Bee Writers React to Weird Christian Videos

Jesus is a Friend of Mine

Third Eagle of the Apocalypse

The Renewed Mind Is The Key

Carman - A Witch's Invitation

Creepy bread loaf at minute 1:50

Hate Mail

Young earth creationists send in some hate over our recent interview and some guy wrote us to make sure we knew that Trump did not punch that baby.

Subscriber Portion

Calvin H. sent in audio and wants to know from Kyle what a libertarian America would look like and the guys tell more stories about crazy stuff that neighbors and family friends have done to them.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

A.L. Van Den Herik Talks Female Apologists/Riding Dinosaurs/Arguments For Faith Sep 08, 2020

Show notes

This is The Babylon Bee Interview Show.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk to A. L. Van Den Herik who is the author of a new book called The Shortest Leap: The Rational Underpinnings of Faith in Jesus. This is a great dialogue about the historical, rational, and scientific arguments for Christianity and how a person decides to become a Christian.They discuss whether a woman can write an apologetics book, break Ethan's brain with Einstein's law of relativity, and trigger Kyle with old earth arguments.

Topics Discussed

C.S. Lewis and apologetics
Women writers on the Christian book scene
Allyson's conversion from hardcore atheist & leftist to Christianity
Tarantula wasps and rabbits eating their own poop
Dinosaurs are cool
God's wisdom in how he has revealed Himself
Time dilation & light speed travel or how the movie Interstellar maybe backs up the days of the Genesis creation account
Were all of her professors at Stanford and Berkley like Kevin Sorbo's character in God's Not Dead?
The Noah's Ark story and did people ride dinosaurs?
Do people decide to be a Christian through pure reason?
"Christians" that don't believe in God
Pagan creation, flood and resurrection myths
Parenting tips while working on big projects
Working for Rush Limbaugh
The Ten Questions

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

Jetpacks Over LAX/Karate Moves In Church/Rejected Bee Headlines News Show 9.4.2020 Sep 04, 2020

Show notes

This is The Babylon Bee News Show for the week of 9/4/2020.

This episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast is brought to you by Faithful Counseling.Go to faithfulcounseling.com/babylonbee and get 10% off your first month!

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's big stories like a mysterious man with a jetpack spooking airline pilots approaching LAX, people are being karate chopped in the throat at church now, and wild bears are becoming regular customers at a convenience store. Kyle and Ethan also talk about rejected Babylon Bee headlines that for one reason or another didn't make the cut. Also, Kyle and Ethan got turned into a cartoon and President Trump retweeted The Babylon Bee.

Introduction

Bee Fan Zander sent us an awesome animation of Kyle's origin story, where Kyle discovered he had super satirical powers, and we moved to a new office!

Stuff That's Good

Kyle: HOPE Coffee

Ethan: The Monster Engine

Weird News

Not The Bee has hit the ground running and will definitely be our go-to place for harvesting weird real news from now on .

Stories of the Week

Large Turnout At Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer Summary: A huge crowd turned out Sunday for the memorial service of a victim of extreme police violence, Hans Gruber. Gruber was thrown from the top floor of Nakatomi Plaza by New York police officer John McClane, which many consider one of the most excessive uses of force ever witnessed. McClane was not even in his jurisdiction at the time of the crime.

Biden: 'If You Thought The Republican Convention Was Good, Just Wait 'Til We Have Our Convention!'

Summary: Joe Biden conceded today that the Republican Convention was "alright," "pretty inspiring, to be honest," and "a real gas." But also said the Democratic Convention is going to be "even better" in a conversation with a department store mannequin. It was unclear how Biden got into the department store, as it's been out of business since 2013. Aides located him after they put out a Silver Alert and coaxed him into a windowless van by writing "FREE HAIR" on the side. They were then able to transport him safely back to the basement for storage until the election.

Trump retweeted us

14 Mostly Accurate CNN Headlines From The Last 6,000 Years Of Human History

Summary: CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up. We went through CNN's archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history. They are truly a bastion of truth and honesty in journalism.

Topic of the Week

Babylon Bee Headlines We Never Published

Hate Mail

We encounter another Susan out in the wild.

Subscriber Portion

Kyle and Ethan lead subscribers on a tour our new office, talk about their plans for growth and where things have come, They also read some more of Ethan's and Kyle's very first headlines from the early days.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

Andrew Klavan Talks Violence In Storytelling/Becoming Christian/Movies Ruining Movies Sep 01, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk to Andrew Klavan an author, screenwriter, essayist, and host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. They discuss whether good storytelling requires sex & violence, movies that ruined entire movie genres, and going from secular Jew to Christian at age 49. Kyle and Ethan pitch their best movie remake ideas and they talk shop with a fellow satirist.

Topics Discussed

Edgar Awards are ugly
Writing scripts for Hollywood
Going full skinhead and entering conservative media
Ruining a perfectly good headline [SATIRE]
A secular Jew becoming a Christian at age 49
Kyle and Ethan pitch movie ideas to Klavan that are in dire need of a remake
Movies that ruined movies
On the necessity of putting sex, cursing & violence in stories
Stephen King's twitter feed
Behind-the-scenes Ben Shapiro stories
Church shopping during lockdown
Andrew judges some our subscriber satirical headline pitches
The Ten Questions

Jerry Falwell Jr./Netflix Pervs/Top 10 Comedies News Show 8.28.2020 Aug 28, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's big stories like the news surrounding Jerry Falwell Jr., Netflix trying to normalize pedophilia before celebrities get outed by Ghislaine Maxwell, and how flatulence during lockdown may be leading to a rise in elder abuse. They also do a rundown of their top ten comedy movies of all time, read some hate mail, and talk about infant baptism and lame church websites.

Intro

We are in The Babylon Bee Autonomous Zone and Ethan has a milestone birthday today!

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes Legend of Korra.

Ethan likes the Richard Jewell movie directed by Clint Eastwood.

Weird News

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Hollywood Elites Rush To Normalize Pedophilia Before They're All Outed By Ghislaine Maxwell

Summary: With Epstein's infamous assistant Ghislaine Maxwell awaiting trial and testimony in prison, many celebrities, politicians, and entertainment industry elites are rushing to make pedophilia generally acceptable before they're outed as patrons of Epstein's notorious island.

Story 2

California Ends Exploitation Of Workers For Good By Banning All Jobs

Summary: California has claimed victory over the horrible abuse and exploitation of workers at the hands of evil employers with a new bill, AB666, which will make it a crime to work for a living.

Story 3

Gen Xers Decide To Split Off From Rest Of Society And Form A Utopia That's All Relaxed And Cool And, You Know, Whatever

Summary: After years being stuck between the lame boomers and the extra millennials, Generation X has finally decided to do the sensible thing and split off from the rest of society and make a utopia that will be all relaxed and chill and not get worked up over everything.

Topic of the Week

Kyle and Ethan talk about their Top 10 Comedy Movies Of All Time

Hate Mail

We encounter a Susan and somebody keeps commenting on the podcast telling us to quit podcasting and go back to being funny.

Subscriber Portion

Mailbag: Kyle, Ethan, and Producer Dan answer an audio question from subscriber Clarence Thomas Aquinas about infant baptism. He says he only listens to ⅔ of the episodes though. Kyle and Ethan also tackle a question about a church's online presence.

Also Mentioned: The R.C. Sproul vs. John MacArthur debate on infant baptism.

Doctor David Fisher On Surviving COVID/Masks/Keeping Mom Out Of A Nursing Home Aug 25, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk to Dr. David Fisher, one of The Babylon Bee's longest-tenured writers going back to the Adam Ford days when The Bee was still funny. David Fisher is a physician with Doctors Making Housecalls in Durham, NC and is board certified in family medicine, geriatrics, and palliative care. He is the author of How to Keep Mom (and Yourself) Out of a Nursing Home: Seven Keys to Keeping Your Independence. They talk about the politics and science of COVID, the myths and censorship surrounding a certain medicine that shall not be named, and how to exercise your fart holders.

Topics Discussed

Is COVID a hoax?
Do masks do anything?
What is the deal with the drug that can't be named (the H word)?
Doc is recovering from COVID
Any thoughts on that video of "medical doctors" that is going around? Banned by Facebook, Twitter, Google, YouTube
Health impacts of the lockdown
Visiting loved ones in the hospital
How to keep your mom and yourself out of a nursing home
Laughter is good medicine

Subscriber Portion

"Doc Savage" answers The Babylon Bee subscriber questions that were submitted to us and not screened at all.

Also mentioned:

Archaeologists Discover Prophet Daniel's Weight Loss Diary

Report: Baptists' Impressive Life Expectancy Linked To Casserole Consumption

Church Service Canceled After Guitar Cable Identifies As Female

Joel Osteen Launches Line Of Pastoral Wear: 'Sheep's Clothing'

Twitter-Gate/Trump Stamps/Students For Life News Show 8.21.2020 Aug 21, 2020

Show notes

This is The Babylon Bee Weekly News Show for the week of 8/21/2020.

Watch or listen to this episode on our podcast page, where subscribers can find full length episodes, or over on our YouTube channel. Subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Twitter "accidentally" suspending the Babylon Bee for the web's darkest 90 minutes, the humble Postal Service being the focus of all the nation's fire and fury, and how students got arrested for the peaceful protest with sidewalk chalk outside a Planned Parenthood. Kristan Hawkins, President for Students For Life, talks to The Babylon Bee and silliness ensues.

Show Outline

Introduction

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes The Peanut Butter Falcon.

Ethan likes: The Last Narc on Amazon Prime.

Weird News

Mum's disbelief after returning home to find naughty puppy had eaten her savings

Beer company accidentally names itself after pubic hair

Factory malfunction causes chocolate rain in Switzerland

Cow surprises beach-goers by emerging from the sea

Newlyweds shamed for wedding cake that looks like 'burnt mutilated cow flesh'

Woman catches Amazon driver mid-squat pooing in her garden

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Twitter Apologizes After Intern Accidentally Sets Coffee On 'Destroy All Conservatives' Button

Summary: A large number of conservative and satirical Twitter accounts that criticize the left were shut down yesterday in what CEO Jack Dorsey says was, "a totally honest mistake." Dorsey claims an intern set their coffee on a button labeled, 'Destroy All Conservatives,' which is located in the commons area near the coffee machine and easy to miss if you're not paying attention.

A growing trend of non-woke satirists getting suspended like Titania McGrath and others.
The Babylon Bee twitter account was down for 90 minutes. Kyle and Dan had to verify their accounts to log back in.
Twitter says they are sorry:
Meanwhile, "Drag Queen Story Hour" posts tweet deemed pedophilic, locks account after pushback
This only seems to be happening in one direction against non-leftists or the non-woke

Story 2

Brilliant Trump Puts Himself On All Postage Stamps, Forcing Democrats To Push For Abolishing USPS

Summary: Sources are reporting that Trump has dealt a killer blow in his ongoing war against his sworn enemy, the United States Postal Service. In a move of sheer, mind-blowing brilliance, Trump directed the Post Office to put his face on every single stamp, forcing the Democrats to reverse course and abolish the institution once and for all.

Story 3

Oops! Public School Teacher Forgets To Remove Antifa Mask Before Logging On For Class

Summary: Parents are raising concerns after a teacher opened her Monday morning online class in full Antifa riot gear. According to witnesses, Willow Maven, a local first-grade teacher and prolific scarf knitter, began teaching her online class, not realizing she was still wearing a black ski mask and a leather jacket emblazoned with an Antifa logo.

Prophecy fulfilled
A thread where teachers talk about their concern over parents being able to listen in to what they actually teach kids

Topic of the Week

Kyle and Ethan talk to Kristan Hawkins who is the president for the nation's largest youth pro-life organization: Students For Life.

Hate Mail

We get some hate from someone who seems to think we are mocking John MacArthur.

Subscriber Portion

Kyle and Ethan continue their conversation with Kristen Hawkins and get into the stuff they couldn't say in front of the paywall. Crazy stories, many more Flowerbeds, and the Ten Questions. Sorry, freeloaders!

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Phil Johnson Talks Grace Community Church's "Peaceful Protest"/Wokeness/John MacArthur's Emoji Game Aug 18, 2020

Show notes

In this episode, Kyle and Ethan talk to Phil Johnson who is the executive director of Grace to You. He has been closely associated with John MacArthur since 1981 and edits most of Pastor MacArthur's major books. Phil also founded several popular websites, including The Spurgeon Archive, The Hall of Church History, and the Pyromaniacs blog. He is an ordained elder and pastor at Grace Community Church, which is in the news recently for its decision to meet on the Lord's Day for worship in defiance of California orders to socially distance.

Topics Discussed

Grace Community Church deciding to meet on Sunday in a "peaceful protest"
Response to critics of opening the church
Pot is essential, church is not
Does John MacArthur read The Babylon Bee?
Emoji game is strong for J-Mac
Gavin Newsom and his nefarious schemes
Spurgeon and smoking a good cigar to the glory of God
Baptists hate alcohol though
The emergent church, wokeness, and the Young, Restless, Reformed

Subscriber Portion

Inside scoop on John MacArthur including several stories that are unbelievable like getting into an altercation with a cultist and driving over to a house to stop an adulterous act
Kyle dropping out of The Master's College
Charismatic chaos and how people keep rushing the stage at GCC.
The Ten Questions!

Also mentioned: Phil Johnson gave a message exploring the history of "Calvinism"

Also: Phil Johnson's Po-Motivators.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

VP Kamala/Atheist Arguments/Bats and Boars News Show 8.14.2020 Aug 14, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Biden picking Kamala Harris as his running mate, irrefutable atheist arguments that will have you running out to buy a sophisticated trilby hat, and how bored boars and bats are attacking naked Germans and libertarians.

This episode is brought to you by The Compromised Church by Frederick A. Herschelman.

Exploring issues like the prosperity gospel, the entertainment-centered, seeker-sensitive church, and the importance of lay believers and pastors alike remaining biblically faithful in a time when we're being pressured to compromise our beliefs, The Compromised Church is a timely exposé of the complacency in American Christianity today.

Show Outline

Introduction

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes HBO's Chernobyl.

Ethan likes Jubilee - Middle Ground on YouTube.

Weird News

Naked German man chases down feral hog that stole his laptop

World's last Blockbuster video store listed on Airbnb

Wild boar leads police on hours-long chase through city

Researchers teaching robots to write a stage play in Czech Republic

Domino's New Zealand pulls promotion giving free pizzas to 'Karens'

Australian pub bans emus for 'bad behavior'

Libertarian Presidential Nominee Jo Jorgensen Bitten by Bat | Time

Woman who gouged out eyes while on meth receives prosthetic eyeballs

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Chicago Mayor Drives Past Looters To Arrest 7-Year-Old Having A Birthday Party

Summary: The mayor of Chicago made headlines this week when she heroically drove her car toward a group of pillaging looters, then swerved past them to arrest a 7-year old having a birthday party.

Story 2

Biden Campaign Warns That For Debate Biden Will Need A Mask That Completely Conceals His Face And He Might Sound Different

Summary: The Biden Campaign has said they are open to debating Donald Trump however they have warned the press that Joe Biden will need to wear a mask that completely conceals his face and that his voice might sound different

Story 3

10 Irrefutable Atheist Arguments That Will Explode Your Feeble Christian Brain

Summary: Go ahead and order that fedora or trilby.

Topic of the Week

Kamala Harris chosen as Joe Biden's running mate

RIP Kamala was trending on Twitter
Whats the point of a VP anyway?
What the left said about her then vs now
Tulsi Gabbard torpedoed her on her criminal justice record
What Kamala said about Joe Biden vs now
Kamala Harris gun ownership
Kamala Harris on abortion

Hate Mail

We get a very confusing message leading us to wonder who at the Democratic National Committee runs the Department of Approved Jokes.

Subscriber Portion

Mailbag! We get a video question from our buddy Cameron!

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

Steve Reiter Talks Loved Ones Dying Alone/Arbitrary Lockdown Rules/Reclaiming Our Human Dignity Aug 11, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Interview Show, Kyle and Ethan talk to good friend of The Babylon Bee: Steve Reiter. Steve is the host of the Holy Smokes Podcast, which is about a friendship movement of cigar smoking Christians. Steve and his sons were kept apart from his sick wife for several weeks due to the inhumane policy of no visitors whatsoever for hospitalized patients during the pandemic. Steve's wife ended up dying alone. Since then, Steve has founded the Never Alone Project to pass legislation to make sure this doesn't happen again to anyone else ever again. Warning: this episode is a hard story to hear, but, Kyle, Ethan, and Steve are able to find joy and laughter in their fellowship together despite hard times.

Read Steve's full story in this piece on The Federalist.

In addition to checking out the Never Alone Project, there's a Change.org petition that you can sign.

Topics Discussed

Steve tells the story of his wife's health and long stay in the hospital alone due to arbitrary rules
Our humanity being being both physical and spiritual
Steve's efforts in Colorado on a bill to force the issue of at least one screened visitor per day
The failure of government and hospital administration at every step leading up to this
Steve's advice for anyone stuck in this situation
Steve is the host of Holy Smokes Podcast, so he talks a bit about that
Steve worked for Dr. James Dobson at Focus On The Family and Ethan seems to have him confused for someone else
The Ten Questions

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