The Art of Charm

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765: Parents, Part 2: Warren Farrell on The Boy Crisis and Dad Deprivation Jun 20, 2019

Show notes

The role of the father in raising children is often downplayed in society, but what do fathers bring to the table that mothers do not, why does the absence of a father have such long-lasting effects, and what steps can we take today to be there for our children?

What to Listen For

What is dad deprivation and what role does it play as a child is growing up?
What is the purpose void and why is it more important now that more children are growing up without a father?
What are the two primary purposes in a man’s life and how has the development of society made it more difficult for men to feel fulfilled in either one?
How does porn become addictive to young men and how does it shift the way men view women, sex, and relationships?
What are the primary differences between mom-style parenting and dad-style parenting?
What is the single biggest predictor of success and how do you teach it to children?
How do you teach postponement of gratification to children and why is it so important to building the life you want?
What is the difference between being aggressive and being assertive?
What can you do to reverse ADHD?
What role do family dinner nights have in a child’s development and what 5 things can you do to make those family dinners constructive rather than destructive?
What steps can we take today to improve as parents?

The father in many shows and movies seems to be there just for comic relief by being a hardass or totally incompetent while the mother is portrayed as “the real parent.”

But the father’s role in raising kids is significantly more important than we tend to give it credit for.

As Warren Farrell stated, “Children who have father involvement are far less likely to be obese, far less likely to have ADHD, far less likely to do worse in every single academic area, and far less likely to be depressed or commit suicide.”

And those are just a few of the effects that a good father has on his kids.

It’s crucial there be a balance of masculine and feminine influence in a child’s life in order for that child to grow into a well-rounded human being able to handle the ups and downs and twists and turns of life. It is the tension created by the difference between the parents that allows their children to find a happy medium that works for who they are.

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Resources from this Episode

Warren Farrell’s website

Why Men Are the Way They Are by Warren Farrell

The Myth of Male Power by Warren Farrell

The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

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764: Brett Bartholomew on why drive matters more than motivation and secrets to peak performance Jun 17, 2019

Show notes

Coaching athletes, or anyone for that matter, does not come with a simple one-size-fits-all approach, so what does effective coaching look like, what do you need to know about those you’re coaching, and who do coaches get coached by?

What to Listen For

How did Brett Bartholomew get started in the world of strength training and coaching?
How do you get buy-in with athletes you’re coaching to make sure they follow your program without getting distracted by all the other information they’re bombarded with?
What do you need to know about your athletes in order to best coach them and how do you tie it in with a responsible message?
What is the Harvard 4 Drive Model and how can you start using it today to teach or coach more effectively?
What 3 steps can you use to better relate to other people and build better relationships with coworkers, students, and athletes?
How do you develop self-awareness and what should you look for in your own life to start with?
What are the 3 stages of internal identification and how does it relate to the development of self-awareness?
What is imposter syndrome and how do you deal with it so you don’t sabotage your career or relationships?
What kind of coaches do coaches get coached by?
What is the difference between being responsive and being reactive?
How can you be more responsive without being reactive?
How do you find your own motivation and help others find theirs?
How do you stay motivated as a coach?

There are a variety of factors that influence your ability to coach someone effectively. First and foremost, your athlete (or student) must trust and respect you, otherwise, she won’t believe you know what you’re doing. So you must build a working relationship with your athletes, and that means understanding their self-awareness levels, working together to identify their strengths and weaknesses, what drives them and what their ambitions are, and getting a feel for how each one learns best.

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Resources from this Episode

The Art of Coaching with Brett Bartholomew

Harvard 4-Drive Model - Harvard Business Review

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Episode 762: 3 Signs That it’s Time for Change

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763: Had Enough Pain, Yet? | Toolbox 2 Jun 10, 2019

Show notes

We all know change can be hard, so embarking on a journey of self-development and transformation means there will be pain involved - but is it possible to endure pain without also suffering? Why is it important to have a larger overarching goal throughout your journey, and what actionable steps can you take today to reduce the time and energy it might take to reach your transformation goals?

What to Listen For

Why is pain an unavoidable part of personal transformation, and what is the best way to approach such pain?
What is the difference between pain and suffering?
How do you figure out your values and why are they important when it comes to pursuing a fulfilling life?
Why is it important to have a larger overarching goal on your journey toward self-actualization?
Why is a reactive mindset counterproductive to happiness and fulfillment in life, and what steps can you take to turn your reactive mindset into a proactive one?
What one question can you ask yourself to take back power and control over your life?
How do you find meaning in terrible situations so you can thrive?
What signs can you be on the lookout for to identify if you are struggling with resistance on your path to transformation?
What 3 questions should you ask yourself in order to put your transformation goals into achievable steps?

When you work out or train for an event, it’s important to push your body to its limits at various times so those limits can grow and you can improve as an athlete. You know when you are approaching those limits because of the pain you feel in your muscles, but if you stop when your muscles start to burn, you will not achieve the same results as someone who pushes through the pain to run the extra mile or get one more rep in.

When confronting resistance or pain on your journey to self-actualization, you can choose to suffer in response, or you can recognize the value of the pain and push through it.

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Resources from this Episode

Implementation Intentions: Strong Effects of Simple Plans

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

Episode 740: How Defined Values Lead to Long-term Happiness | w/ Russ Harris

Episode 729: Self-esteem is Bullshit | w/ Steven Hayes

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Procrastination and the priority of short-term mood regulation

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762: 3 Signs That it's Time for Change | Transformation Toolbox 1 Jun 03, 2019

Show notes

Transformation can be accidental or intentional, but if you are going to change and grow as a person, wouldn’t you want to have a say in how you grow and who you become?

What to Listen For

Why are only the courageous drawn to self-development?
How do you turn envy into a motivator rather than trying to hide it or eliminate it?
What question can you ask yourself to make feelings of envy work for you?
What is experiential avoidance and how is it correlated with low levels of life satisfaction?
What are “doomers” and “bloomers” and how do doomers become bloomers?
What should be your next move if you reach a point in your life and realize you haven’t accomplished anything?
Why might procrastination be doing more damage to your future than you think, and what can you do about it?
If you want to change your future, where is the best place to start and why might it not be the place you think?
What is the difference between living life on the offense and living life on the defense, and why does one of the two make it far more difficult to achieve your goals?
How does the pursuit of self-actualization lead to a snowball effect?
What is the 5-5-5 technique and how can it prevent you from falling into a powerless state of mind?

Self-development is only for the courageous. You must have the courage to face yourself and be honest about who you are and what you want. You must have the courage to identify your weaknesses and ask for help so you know where to start and what to work on. You must have the courage to live life on the offense so you can take intentional steps every single day toward who you want to become, even if it means falling and getting back on the horse.

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Resources from this Episode

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Episode 718 with Chris “Drama” Pfaff - Overcoming Social Anxiety in Your Career

Power affects performance when the pressure is on: evidence for low-power threat and high-power lift

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Dr Laura Berman on Facebook

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761: 5 Ways to Approach Dating Meaningfully | Q&A w/ Dr. Laura Berman May 28, 2019

Show notes

Where do you even begin if you want to get better at meeting people? Improving your communication skills is an excellent place to start. Communication is important in relationships, and even more important when dating. We’ll dig into best practices, tips and strategies for dating and meeting new people with Dr Laura Berman.

What to Listen For

What drew Dr. Laura Berman to relationship and sex therapy?
What is the current state of sex ed in schools and why is it so inadequate?
How does porn affect the way you get aroused and why is it doing more harm than good?
What is the fundamental problem with the paradox of choice when it comes to dating and dating apps?
Why is it so important to think about how you want someone to make you feel and how does clarifying that make dating easier?
Can you use DNA to find your perfect match?
What is the best way for you to approach dating in the #MeToo era?
How quickly should you move from dating app to meeting and why is it risky to draw it out?
Where can you practice conversational skills in low-risk areas and what happens if you don’t practice these skills?
How should you go into dating as a parent and why is it so different?
If you are dating as a parent, when is the best time to bring up that you have a child?
What can I do if my mind goes blank every time I try to talk to someone I’m interested in?
How do you keep the intimacy going in a long term relationship?
What is the biggest behavioral predictor of sexual health in a relationship?
What is the “want” underlying the desire to “spice it up” in the bedroom?
What do you do if you realize your partner is no longer attracted to you?
How do you rewrite your story so you can break out of dating the same type of people?

Remember: A big part of having good communication is being honest with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you know what you like and don’t like, you know what you’re good at and what you’re not. That automatically filters out potential dates or relationships that come racing in from your dating app. And if you are honest with other people about who you are and what you want, it makes it easier for them to decide whether or not they want to keep spending time together.

Being honest with yourself and with other people saves you headaches, confusion, and time - and time is the most valuable thing we have as human beings.

A Word From Our Sponsors

Resources from this Episode

Dr Laura Berman

Quantum Love by Dr Laura Berman

Dr Laura Berman on Twitter

Dr Laura Berman on Instagram

Dr Laura Berman on YouTube

Uncovered Podcast with Dr Laura Berman

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Geoffrey Miller’s website

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760: Parents, Part 1: Motherhood and Transformation May 24, 2019

Show notes

This month and next, we decided to dedicate two episodes to parents and the valuable role parenting plays in our development as social beings.

On this episode, AJ and Johnny speak with Dr. Alexandra Sacks, about Matrescence - the transition a woman goes through when she becomes a mother. You might be thinking, "well we call that pregnancy," but matrescence is broader than just the changes a mother goes through during pregnancy.

Just as teenagers go through hormonal change and a reshaping of identity, matrescence operates in a similar fashion. Understanding and preparing for this life chapter can bring a more rich and meaningful experience to parenthood.

Dr. Sacks is a reproductive psychiatrist at Columbia University Medical Center and Host of a new podcast called, Motherhood Sessions.

gimletmedia.com/shows/motherhood-sessions

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759: Dr. Geoffrey Miller on 5 Signals to Send When Dating May 20, 2019

Show notes

Dating can seem like a torturous uphill battle for many men and women, but it doesn’t have to be - understanding how and why we are attracted to one another can have a significant positive impact on your ability to find happiness in your love life, but how do you take the science behind attraction and use it to make dating fun and engaging?

What is signaling theory?
What are fitness indicators and why are they so important to understand in the dating scenario?
What scientifically is shown to make you more attractive in terms of signaling?
How much of our behavior is guided by natural selection and what does the answer imply about humanity?
When you want to dance in a social setting, what is more important than being able to dance well?
What are many people doing wrong when it comes to their profiles on dating apps?
What should you include in your dating app profile?
Should you get professional photos done to use on dating apps?
Why are we entering a new era of dating and what can you do to ensure you’re able to adapt?
Why is working out a crucial foundation to start with when it comes to working on yourself from a self-development perspective?
What is a tender defender and why should you aspire to it?
What does it mean to stay true to yourself and how might you be interpreting it in a way that sabotages your behavior?
As a parent, how do you create an environment for your child to develop grit, success, and resilience when they reach the dating age?

Remember that you are alive today because every one of your ancestors was able to find a partner and start a family. You have the genetics to find the relationship you want, but it will likely take work to find it. Not only is it important for you to want to work on yourself for the sake of striving to be the best version of yourself, but it’s also important for potential partners to see that in you, so they know you are open to new ideas and experiences as well as always wanting to work on being the best partner.

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Resources from this Episode

The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Episode 742: The Hidden Power of Relationships

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758: Three Top Tips to Dating May 13, 2019

Show notes

Understanding social cues and nonverbal communication is arguably more important now than ever - but what does it mean to communicate with someone nonverbally, how much can you say with the delivery of words and the way you carry yourself compared to the words themselves, and why is it important to continue developing your social skills outside of dating and meeting people?

What to Listen For

Is dating really just a numbers game?
Why is initial chemistry a terrible way of determining compatibility and what should you look at instead?
Why is the 20th-century version of dating no longer applicable in today’s way of life?
How can you experience something together on the first date that contributes to cultivating chemistry?
Why is physical contact so important when it comes to getting to know someone you’re interested in?
What should you pay attention to when it comes to flirting, and what are most people incorrectly paying attention to?
How does your body language communicate more about you than what you say and how do you improve it so you don’t self-sabotage when meeting someone you’re genuinely interested in?
How do you listen with your eyes and ears and why is it so important when it comes to understanding what someone is communicating?
How do many of us view flirting in a conversation and how is it doing more harm than good?
What should you focus on when flirting with someone you’re interested in?
How do you pick up on when someone is flirting with you?
What signals can you look for to know when someone is interested in you?
What is the difference between negative, neutral, and positive body language and when is each one important to display in a conversation?

Social skills are arguably more important now than ever because of the way we have allowed technology to augment the way we communicate. We have mistakenly assumed the words we speak or write are the most valuable aspect of communication, and as a result, we aren’t impressing upon younger generations just how important it is to communicate with eye contact, tonality, physical contact, body language, and everything else that goes along with the words we use.

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Access a World of Knowledge! Unlimited video learning with the World's Greatest Professors at The Great Courses Plus. Start your Free Month trial now by going to thegreatcoursesplus.com/charm

Babbel is the new way to learn a foreign language. You can try Babbel for free. Download the app or text discount code CHARM to 484848.

Resources from this Episode

Episode 743: Relationship Goals: Love, Friends & Work

Episode 744: Dating Done Right With Evan Marc Katz

Episode 757: The New Rules to Dating

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Episode 742: The Hidden Power of Relationships

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757: The New Rules to Dating May 06, 2019

Show notes

Dating has evolved due to the influence of technology and the way we communicate - but has the evolution been for the good of all, are all these options helping or hindering us, and why is it still just as important to meet face to face instead of trying to connect via text?

What to Listen For

How do dating apps remove the fun from dating and what can you do to make dating fun again?
How do you create chemistry with someone you’re interested in?
What are the three ways you can meet someone you might want to date?
How do you decide where to meet new people who are more likely to be compatible with you?
What are you doing to sabotage yourself every time you go out to meet new people?
How do you become addicted to falling in love and what can you do if you feel you are?
What is limerence and how does it prevent you from building healthy relationships?
Texting is effective in 2 primary ways, so what are they and why should you avoid using it for other reasons?
How can too much texting set you up for failure before meeting up with someone?

The smartphone had a drastic impact on meeting new people and building connections. Texting has become the default form of communication for many, and now you can find new “matches” whenever you have a moment to open an app and glance at some pictures before swiping left or right. But meeting people through apps is just one of three ways you can expand your social circle and improve your dating life, and while texting is convenient, it is still vastly inferior to having a conversation face to face.

This can put many of you in a situation where you’re always searching for that rush of meeting someone new. Unfortunately, when that rush dissipates and you don’t feel invested it can be too easy to simply find a new match, leading to many surface-level interactions instead of genuine long-lasting connections. There’s nothing wrong with surface-level interactions, but if you do want more meaningful connections then it’s important to take the time to get to know people and spend time with them in person.

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Resources from this Episode

Episode 743: Relationship Goals: Love, Friends & Work

Episode 744: Dating Done Right With Evan Marc Katz

Check in with AJ and Johnny!