The Art of Charm

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335: PJ Ghadimi | Third Circle Theory Nov 03, 2014

Show notes

Circumstances don't define us. "I always do anything I do as if I'm at stake and I have everything to lose."-Pejman Ghadimi The Cheat Sheet: The good is the enemy of the great. What are Pejman's three circles and why do they matter? The fear that holds most of us back: what is it? How he focused on making his life count for more than just making money. It's easier to accept failure than to seek success: true or false? How to start a business if you only have an idea and nothing else. And so much more... When most people think of entrepreneurship today they generally think of the glitz and glamour of making so-called "easy money" on the Internet and working for themselves. Rarely do they think of value creation, which is what our guest for today says is at the very heart of being an entrepreneur. Joining us for episode 335 is self-made multi-millionaire and value creator Pejman Ghadimi. Today he shares his personal story of how he became financially independent by 25 as well as "Secret Entourage" and third circle theory, the name of his company and the title of his latest book. Listen in for details on all of that and so much more on this episode of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: Pejman Ghadimi learned to face challenging circumstances at a very early age. His family was forced to flee when the Iranian ruler was overthrown; his family had been working for the Shah and had to leave or face persecution. Believing the US was the best place for her son, Pejman's mother tried in vain to be allowed into the States for the next year 10 years. She raised him in France, built a successful business and provided him with a stable, happy home. After 10 years of trying she was finally granted a tourist visa. She had a choice: either visit the US and come back to the life she had created for them, or sell everything and take a huge risk to settle in the US. Pejman's uncle lived in Los Angeles and said he could help her extend her visa and eventually settle there, if that was what she wanted. So she sold as much of their belongings as she could, basically left her business and moved them to the US just a few short weeks after being granted a visitor's visa. It began a new chapter for Pejman and his mom. They had no social security numbers and no way to be hired by the usual means. So Pejman hustled, he took whatever job he could find including delivering pizzas on his bicycle in the "hood"! But he learned what it meant to lay it all on the line and to look at every opening as an opportunity, often where others wouldn't. He found work with a telemarketing company, a job most people would hate, and he found a way to succeed after an initial struggle in the position. So much so in fact that by the age of 18 he was in a management role. He parlayed that success into the banking industry before going out on his own. In this episode he shares exactly how he approached a grocery store branch of a bank and landed his first banking job which would lead to being a branch manager before the age of 25. Along the way he started several other companies on the side which continue to be successful today. When he talks about all of these roles and his experiences, he explains how his perspective and his actions have determined his success and how he has not allowed circumstances to slow him down or defeat him. We also discuss his third circle theory, the name of his company and his most recent book. He goes into the theory in greater detail on the show, but in essence the three circles are circumstances, society and life. Each of them rely on mastery of the previous circle to advance to the next. When we learn circumstances can be overcome then we can advance to the level of society mastery, where we discover how to show society we have advanced. We succeed in our jobs, we become wealthy and show others circumstances haven't stopped us. At that point we can move to the level of life mastery, this is where legacy becomes important. We are concerned with mastering life by giving our greatest gifts to the world. One additional topic we discuss is what entrepreneurship is at its heart: value creation. All of us have a degree of entrepreneurial spirit within us, some of us choose to follow it and express it through our career while others don't. Yet all of us can create value for the world, and the byproduct of that value is monetary gain. Pejman explains that in more detail, along with so much more on today's episode. It was an honor to have him here on the show! Please join me in thanking him for sharing his personal journey and his sage-like advice, and thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS PEJMAN GHADIMI! If you enjoyed this session of The Art of Charm Podcast, let Pejman Ghadimi know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Pejman on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Pejman Ghadimi's web siteSecret EntourageThird Circle Theory, Pejman Ghadimi's latest book Pejman Ghadimi on Twitter Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast Wanna leave a comment? Too bad! Email me instead (we read everything)! HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordan@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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334: Dr. Geoff Miller | Mating Grounds Oct 31, 2014

Show notes

Find out what women really want (it's science!) "As humans we are not a species that runs on physical dominance; we are a species that runs on social status, respect."-Dr. Geoff Miller The Cheat Sheet: What body types are women most attracted to? (13:00) Phenotype: what is it and why should you care? (18:40) IUDs vs. The Pills: the details you need to know (and yes you actually do). (33:00) Why women want men with money- it's not because they're gold diggers. (36:45) The correlation between the cost of shoes and how attractive women find them: explained. (38:45) Dr. Miller uses science to debunk The Alpha Male myth. (46:35) And so much more... What do women really want in a man? It seems to be a question men have asked themselves and have been trying to answer for centuries. If you're tired of wondering and you want actual answers to help you better understand, connect and have quality relationships with women then have a listen to today's show. Our guest is Dr. Geoff Miller, is evolutionary psychologist at the University of New Mexico-Albuquerque and author of several books including The Mating Mind. Presently he is teaming up with Tucker Max to produce podcast episodes for Mating Grounds and a book on the same subject: understanding what women want and how to give it to them. Listen in for details on all of that and so much more on the 334th episode of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: To understand what Dr. Miller shares in today's episode it's helpful to understand his background and his line of studies. He is an evolutionary psychologist which means he spends his time understanding topics like human sexuality, mate choice, and human emotions to name a few. He says he has long been fascinated by women's psychology and why women chose the men they do and the links those choices have to our history as humans. And one common thread he has found is that attraction transcends all other boundaries, certain ways of attracting a mate are not exclusive to particular cultures and countries. It is primal and instinctive within humans. Attraction doesn't have a secret language, anyone can learn it and use it wherever they live. We get into several useful applications of mating behavior in this episode, the first of which is the body types women are most attracted to. Dr. Miller says women in general find tall and lean men most attractive, they want the Olympic swimmer-type look. They prefer men who look capable and athletic, but still have some body fat so long as it's not abdominal fat which women are turned off by. So why does it seem like women like the super-buff gym rats? During their most fertile times of the month women find more masculine traits attractive, like big muscles. You can use this to your advantage if you aren't a big muscle guy. If a girl says no when you ask her out one week, try again the next week. It could just be where she is in her cycle. Another fascinating topic we dive into is how to know when a woman is at her most fertile. It seems men know this on a subconscious level, Dr. Miller gives us an example of a study done that showed women who were professional lap dancers made more money during their peak ovulation times (ie their most fertile time of the month) then they did at another time of the month. But if the woman you have your eye on isn't a lap dancer, there are other cues you can look for. You'll need to know her a bit for this but watch how she dresses. It's been scientifically shown that women who are closest to their peak fertile times will dress more provocatively, wear red, wear lipstick or more makeup than usual and will wear more jewelry than usual. Sort of "peacocking" female-style that seems to happen about 10-14 days into her cycle. Dr. Geoff also explains a woman's cycle and the time of the month when she will generally be most fertile. He gives us reasons why we as men need to know about hormonal birth control and how it impacts a woman's choice in a man - there is scientific evidence that shows women on hormonal birth control choose different man than if they are not using hormones. An important lesson to know whether you're dating or in a relationship. He also gives us tips on how to attract women whether we're wealthy or poor, the important role language plays in dating and mating, and what we should be focusing on to attract quality women (and it's not more time in the gym!). It was a pleasure to have Dr. Miller on the show, I want to thank him for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS DR. MILLER! If you enjoyed this session of The Art of Charm Podcast, let Dr. Miller know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Dr. Miller on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Dr. Geoffrey Miller's web siteMating Grounds, Dr. Miller and Tucker Max's podcastThe Mating Mind, Dr. Miller's first book Dr. Miller on Twitter Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast Wanna leave a comment? Too bad! Email me instead (we read everything)! HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordan@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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333: Dorie Clark | Reinventing You Oct 29, 2014

Show notes

It's better if you tell your own story. "In order to be successful today we have to make reinvention a constant part of our repetoire."-Dorie Clark The Cheat Sheet: Elements of a personal brand: what are they and how can you use them? (7:00) Why the days of being a "lifer" are over. (12:00) How you can determine and define your personal brand. (21:00) The wingman strategy and how it can enhance EVERY area of your life. (27:30) Why having no online presence is just as much of a red flag as a negative one. (41:00) How to have attention and respect before you walk into any meeting. (44:00) And so much more... Do you think personal brands are only for the likes of Dr. Phil, Oprah Winfrey and CEOs? Think again. In today's workplace we all have a personal brand, and too few of us are managing it. So says our guest for today's show, Dorie Clark. Dorie is the author of Reinventing You, a former presidential campaign spokeswoman and regular contributor to Harvard Business Review, Forbes and Entrepreneur magazine. Today we cover what a personal brand is, how to discover yours and recreate it to your liking, the wingman strategy and so much more on the 333rd episode of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: While you may not think you have or even need a personal brand, today's workplace demands it. Long gone are the days of working for one company for the duration of your career. The working world is in the midst of a new era, a world where workers are a commodity and you have to set yourself apart from the rest. And the best way to do so is through your personal brand. Dorie Clark says to manage and truly benefit from your personal brand you first need to understand what a personal brand is, then find out what yours is and then either recreate it or find ways to bridge the gap between your personal brand as it stands today and the personal brand you want to be in the world. On the first point she says a personal brand is what people say about you when you're not in the room, it's what you leave people with. Your personal brand is synonymous with your reputation and it acts as career insurance. No longer can we rely on loyalty and mentorship to bring us up through a company's ranks. Often our mentors are let go or leave for a different position and if we've solely relied on them to teach us and spread the word about who we are and what we're committed to, we're left in the lurch when they go. To avoid being in that position, Dorie says to find out what your personal brand is and then either reinvent yourself if you don't like it or bridge the gap between what your brand is today and where you want it to take you tomorrow. An easy way to discover your personal brand is by asking at least six people close to you (family, friends, co-workers including your boss) the three words they'd use to describe you. When you do so it'll be revealing and you'll see patterns. Take stock of those patterns and then start to think about where you want to go. Envision it and get clear, then create a narrative about it so you can explain to people how your past matches up to the current opportunity you're either working on or working towards. Once you've done that, take the necessary steps to move you from your place today to your vision of tomorrow. According to Dorie this approach, actually working on your personal brand, gives you a significant advantage over almost everyone else and is worth your effort. Dorie also fills us in on the wingman strategy. A lot of you may know this as it applies to dating, but Dorie says we can use it in the business world as well. Wherever you use this strategy it works in the same way. You and a friend attend an event together (dating or work-related) and while you're talking with others, you bring up your friend's most salient and relevant points during the conversation. By doing so you're giving them status in the other person's eyes, then later you introduce your friend to the person you mentioned them to. It works best if you know who you want to meet prior to or at the beginning of the event, and then you team up to meet each other's interests. It's a relevant strategy we've discussed on the show, and it also works exceptionally well in a networking environment! Dorie provides additional insightful strategies and relevant strategies on this episode, including how to command respect and attention before you attend a meeting (even if no one knows you) and the most common mistake most people make in their personal branding. It was a pleasure to have Dorie on the show, I want to thank her for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS DORIE! If you enjoyed this session of The Art of Charm Podcast, let Dorie know by clicking on the link below and sending her a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Dorie on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Dorie Clark's web siteReinventing You, Dorie Clark's latest book Dorie Clark on Twitter Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast Wanna leave a comment? Too bad! Email me instead (we read everything)! HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordan@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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332: AJ Jacobs | Life as an Experiment Oct 26, 2014

Show notes

Experiment with your own life. "I wouldn't say fail faster, I'd say fail more. For every ten failures you're going to get one success."-AJ Jacobs The Cheat Sheet: Digital reminders: how to use them to become happier. (10:00) How to use the Song of Solomon to get a date. (14:40) Radical honesty: can it be effective in dating and relationships? (19:30) Cafeteria Religion defined. (24:45) The Odysseus Strategy:what it is and how to use it to make yourself happier. (27:35) Posture affects your testosterone levels: true or false? (44:40) And so much more... If you lived your life as an experiment and you became a human guinea pig what would that be like? What would you try out and what do you think you could learn? Our guest for episode 332 has done this several times and discovered so much through each experiment. AJ Jacobs is a four-time New York Times best-selling author who has used his life as an experiment on several occasions, and then written about it to share with all of us. For example, he once spent a year living life according to the rules of the Bible! He has also tried to become the healthiest person alive, the smartest person alive and many other adventures. AJ is here to talk about those experiment adventures and so much more on the 332nd episode of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: AJ Jacobs has experienced many things in his life, most of which we never will. He once stoned an adulterer in Central Park; he's read the encyclopedia from A to Z and he followed George Washington's 101 rules for living with civility. Instead of following in his footsteps, we can live vicariously through him by reading his books and listening to today's episode. Aside from stoning an adulterer (it was not as violent as it sounds), AJ gained a lot from his year of living biblically. One of the most profound lessons he learned was the lesson of gratitude. One of the Bible's rules is to give thanks and he found himself giving thanks hundreds of times a day. He'd be thankful the elevator took him to the proper floor and that it didn't fall to the basement. Finding things to give thanks for made him a happier person overall. We also talk about how to use the Song of Solomon from the Bible to get dates! After his year of living according to the Bible, he joined the ranks of most of us in treating religion like a cafeteria. He took the rules that made him happiest and followed those. AJ says we all do this to some degree; we pick and choose which rules to live by and which don't serve us, even the most conservative among us does this. On that same note of picking and choosing, AJ talks about our information diet and how to more carefully watch what we are consuming every day. His general rule of thumb is if something doesn't make him happier, he limits or removes it from his information diet. AJ gives us a personal example: he has a tendency to read about rare diseases or disorders on the Internet and he's found doing so leads him down a dark hole, so he has stopped doing this. We can follow suit and stop reading negative things on the Internet, listening to negative news or reading Internet comments on our sites if people are trashing us. Though we discuss plenty more, including what George Washington and George Clooney have to teach us about success, one final topic we'll mention here is that of embracing failure. He has studied some of the greatest achievers in history and he's noted this about their success: they had to fail A LOT in order to have the successes they did. He gives us a few specific examples including Picasso and E.E. Cummings. AJ gives us other insights on his discoveries through treating his life like an experiment, tune in to find out the rest! It was a pleasure to have AJ on the show, I want to thank him for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS AJ! If you enjoyed this session of The Art of Charm Podcast, let AJ know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank AJ on Twitter! Resources from this episode: AJ Jacobs' web siteThe Year of Living Biblically, AJ Jacobs' latest book AJ Jacobs' other books AJ Jacobs on TwitterGlobal Family Reunion, AJ's latest experiment Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! Wanna leave a comment? Too bad! Email me instead (we read everything)! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordanh@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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331: Todd Henry | Die Empty Oct 24, 2014

Show notes

Give your all while you can. "I want to know that on my last day when they lay me down in my grave, I am not taking my best work to the grave with me."-Todd Henry The Cheat Sheet: The best possible education experience you can have. (10:30) Should anyone go to college? (20:50) The key to overcoming America's economic malaise revealed. (27:00) Why it's never too late to enter the marketplace. (29:50) What's one of the biggest issues people have, according to Todd? (32:10) The most valuable land in the world is where? (37:30) And so much more... If you chose to live today by the motto "die empty" what would you do differently? What projects would you start, what relationships would you enrich and which would you let go of? These two words became the motto for this episode's guest few years ago and they had such an impact that he decided to write a book on the topic. Todd Henry, author of Die Empty, joins us to talk about the value of going to college or not going, the deadly sins of mediocrity, how to avoid becoming mediocre or get yourself out of that rut if you're already in it...and so much more on the 331st episode of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: Todd Henry is the best-selling author behind such notable books as The Accidental Creative and Die Empty. He's also the man behind The Accidental Creative podcast and a consultant who helps companies create more effectively. He calls himself "an arms dealer for the creative revolution"! His "arms dealings" originally stem from the assistance he offered his friends, they were people who worked in large companies but often struggled with how to create effectively in their jobs. He called them Accidental Creatives because they didn't see themselves as creative types but they were still working their way through the creative process. The name stuck and later became the title of his first book. But Todd was most strongly influenced by two words he later stumbled upon, die empty. He felt these words had meaning not just for him, but for everyone. They were the keys to living a full, rich life and shaking off the dulling effects of mediocrity. He published a book called Die Empty and talks at length in this episode about how to do so. He discusses the 7 deadly sins of mediocrity in that book and in this episode we hone in on the first: aimlessness. He says mediocrity is combined from two other root words: medius and ocris. Medius meaning middle and ocris meaning rugged mountain; mediocre means to stop halfway up the rugged mountain. Many people do this by becoming comfortable where they are and never moving beyond that position, never challenging themselves further. Aimlessness is one of the reasons, one of the deadly sins that causes this. Aimlessness happens when someone loses sight of their true passion and connection to their passion project, they get stuck as a result. Todd says we can avoid this the same way he does: by following EMPTY which stands for Ethic Mission People Tasks You. Here's a breakdown of what each of those words in empty stand for: Ethic means asking yourself how do I engage in work every day? What do I bring to my work on a daily basis? Mission means applying your productive passion and understanding the thing you're really trying to do. It's the ultimate outcome you're committed to. People relates to the people in your life you have to interact with. how can you build relationships into your life that are stimulating, challenging and cause me to see the world in new ways? Tasks are the tasks if you accomplish them this week they would make it successful in your mind. You represents yourself and how you care for yourself. What self-care do you make a priority in your life? And are you developing discipline for intentional growth for yourself? And finally Todd gives us some specific ways we can implement his advice immediately. The first thing he suggests is to form of circle of 5-7 people you meet with once a month. The goal of your group is to get together and talk about work you're doing, your aspirations, what you're planning to do. Todd offers more actionable advice along with his thoughts on the pros and cons of college, how he's educating his children and tons more! It was a pleasure to have Todd on the show, I want to thank him for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS TODD! If you enjoyed this session of The Art of Charm Podcast, let Todd know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Todd on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Todd Henry's web siteThe Accidental Creative, Todd Henry's podcast Die Empty, Todd Henry's book Die Empty, Todd Henry's book on Audible Todd Henry on TwitterSchool of Greatness podcast Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordanh@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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329: Scott Barry Kaufman | Mating Intelligence Unleashed Oct 20, 2014

Show notes

It only takes one. "Assertiveness and kindness is the combination most attractive to women." -Scott Kaufman The Cheat Sheet: Dopamine is the pleasure molecule: true or false? (7:25) Scott defines a true alpha male. (18:40) The Dark Triad revealed: is it as ominous as it sounds? (19:10) What is positive psychology really about? (31:00) Why chat-up lines don't work. (39:50) Mate copying: what does the term mean? (43:10) And so much more... If you've listened to the show before, you know we don't buy into the whole "alpha or beta male" mindset that is so prevalent in society right now. At the Art of Charm we stand on the belief that men are far more than just "alpha tough guys" or "beta door mats". And today Scott Kaufman, Scientific Director at the Imagination Institute and author of Mating Intelligence Unleashed, shares the science behind that belief. On this episode, we talk about why the "alpha-beta" thing is far too simplistic, what the dark triad/bad boy thing is all about, and why assertiveness, kindness and humor are some of the most attractive traits to women ...all of that and so much more! More About This Show: When it comes to the alpha vs beta showdown, Scott Kaufman sees neither as being the ultimate for an ideal male. He says there are really two paths for men: dominance or authentic. The dominance path is the one we typically associate with the alpha male: aggressive, arrogant, unstable ego and underneath the bravado, insecurity. And on the authentic path is the type of men we strive create through our work at The Art of Charm: well-earned accomplishments, positive mental health, conscientious, satisfying personal relationships, and genuine self-esteem based on knowing yourself to be a person of value. Contrary to the pop culture definition, Scott says an alpha male is really a man who has cultivated these skills and uses them appropriately. Another misnomer in today's society is that women love the bad boy. While it may be true that the "bad boy" racks up more sexual partners, scientific studies indicate that quantity of sexual partners does not necessarily indicate higher levels of personal happiness. That's why you'll often hear men who've bed high numbers of women later lament they still weren't happy. Those men who end up with such high volume of sexual partners also often score high in the Dark Triad, not an affiliation you'd want. The Dark Triad is made up of three pillars: Machiavellian tendencies, narcissism and psychopathy. They are more likely to scheme and manipulate anyone to get what they want, sex or otherwise. The short-term strategies they use are effective in generating multiple partners, but not in cultivating relationships that are meaningful, fulfilling or long-lasting. To do that, Scott says to focus on what science and studies have shown women actually want: an assertive, kind and funny man. The assertive man asks for what he wants, shares what his needs and desires are without demanding them or having them fulfilled at the expense of others. Kindness may seem like an obvious trait, but often men are concerned about coming off as doormats by being kind to others. Scott provided some useful suggestions in the show as well as meditations which are linked in the Resources section below. And lastly, on the topic of humor, Scott talks about several studies that highlight women do want men who make them laugh. But also if you're in a group of women and you make one of them laugh, she's the one you hone in on. Science proves that if a woman is already laughing at your jokes, she finds you attractive! A woman will not laugh at a man's jokes (no matter how funny they are) if she doesn't think he's attractive. Laughter is also a great indicator of the potential long-term success of a relationship. The couples who stay together longer are those who laugh together. The best pairing here is a man who crack jokes plus a woman who laughs at his jokes, that combination has the most potential for staying together the longest. Scott and I also talk about the role vulnerability and creativity both play in attraction, and so much other great info! It was a pleasure to have Scott on the show, this episode is surely an instant classic so have a listen! I want to thank Scott for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS SCOTT! If you enjoyed this session of the Art of Charm Podcast, let Scott know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Scott on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Scott Kaufman's web siteMating IQ Scale: The Quiz Mating Intelligence Unleashed, Scott Kaufman's book on Amazon Mating Intelligence Unleashed, Scott Kaufman's book on Audible Scott Kaufman on TwitterSchool of Greatness podcast Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordanh@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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328: Guy Winch | Emotional First Aid Oct 17, 2014

Show notes

Negative self-talk amplifies painful experiences. "We need to monitor our emotional health like we monitor our physical health. It has nothing to do with self-esteem, it has nothing to do with masculinity." -Guy Winch The Cheat Sheet: Why avoidance doesn't work and can actually make areas of your life worse. (10:30) Chronic loneliness is like smoking a pack of cigarettes a day: true or false? (16:50) Stewing vs doing: how and why to avoid the former. (26:20) Why affirmations are not useful. (36:20) Failure distorts our perceptions: the study that proves this. (41:35) How negative self-talk damages your emotional state even more than the actual event. (49:30) And so much more... If we all learned from childhood on how to take care of our emotional hurts, our pains and our struggles, what do you think the world would look like? Probably an incredibly different place than it does today. One person helping us move in that direction is our guest for episode 328, Dr. Guy Winch. Guy is the author of Emotional First Aid; he also has a PhD and has been a trained psychologist for over 20 years. On this episode he discusses why numbing ourselves to pain doesn't help, the high health risks of loneliness, and what healthy habits to adopt in times of emotional distress...all of that and so much more on this edition of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: For over two decades, Guy has been a trained psychologist listening to what people talk about their experiences, and even more importantly, their own self-talk about those experiences. Along the way he's formed opinions and hypotheses in his field; before he shares those opinions, he researches the science that supports or disputes his opinions and he adapts from there. One of the fundamentals he stands on however is people's need to treat themselves emotionally and to provide their own emotional first aid for their wounds. Very few of us are taught how to take care of our hurts and our suffering; we're all taught how to care for our skinned knees or sprained ankles, but rarely are we taught how to care for our emotions after we've been rejected. Instead of taking care of our wounds, we often numb ourselves to the pain with alcohol, other recreational drugs, video games, sex or food. Guy says these things don't help us when we try to come back and address that area of our lives. If someone dumps us and we spend three weeks numbed out playing the latest WoW, we are going to have a tough go of it when we try to date again because we've spent three weeks avoiding the pain rather than coping with it. But those of us who obsess over a situation aren't any better off either. If we focus on replaying and replaying the break-up in our heads we are doing even more damage the actual experience did. We're physically re-creating the pain for ourselves by mentally reliving it. As a species we're hard-wired to feel even the slightest bit of rejection; Guy shares the study that discusses how MRIs show the same parts of our brains are activated by physical pain AND emotional pain. Instead of obsessing over a rejection or numbing ourselves to it, Guy offers a few tips. The first of which is to be aware and understand what's happening. Now that you know emotional and physical pain are experienced in the body in much the same way, you can stop beating yourself up for feeling bad about the experience. You're human, you're supposed to feel what you're feeling! The second suggestion he has is a useful tool to boost your self-esteem when you're suffering. This is particularly helpful if you've just gone through a break-up or a significant rejection of some kind. Spend a few minutes writing 10-15 things you're good at. So if you've just been dumped, write 10-15 qualities that make you great in a relationship. For example: you're a good cook, a good listener, you have a great sense of humor, etc. Write those 10-15 things down. Then pick just one of them and write for 10 minutes about why that quality is important and how you'll exhibit it in future relationships. You have to write it down, this isn't useful if you just think about it so be sure to spend 15 minutes doing this exercise. Doing so will help you feel better about what you bring to the table and will boost your self-esteem at a time when you really need it. Guy and I discuss several more topics (including the health risks of loneliness and numerous studies highlighting the importance of emotional first aid), one final area worth mentioning here is how to approach failure. If we can experience a failure and examine where we could have done better and where we can improve for next time, we have a much higher chance of tackling future challenges rather than simply giving up. There are always things within your control in a situation, even when you've failed, and if you can pinpoint those and how you can adjust the next time around there's a much higher chance you'll actually pursue a "next time around". Guy was a terrific guest who generously shares so much of his 20+ years of psychology experience and knowledge with us in this episode, have a listen to hear it all! There are several practical tools you can start using right away so check it out. And I want to thank him for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS GUY! If you enjoyed this session of the Art of Charm Podcast, let Guy know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Guy on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Guy Winch's web site Emotional First Aid, Guy Winch's book on Amazon Emotional First Aid, Guy Winch's book on Audible Guy Winch on TwitterSchool of Greatness podcast Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast Wanna leave a comment? Too bad! Email me instead (we read everything)! HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordanh@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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327: Dandapani | The Monk with a MacBook Oct 15, 2014

Show notes

No one has the right to hold you back. "There's nothing more important than knowing who you are, the path you are on and its final end." -Dandapani The Cheat Sheet: Why you should make your bed every day. (5:10) They watched 30 minutes of the news in his monastery: true or false? (14:20) The hierarchy of where to spend your energy as a parent and spouse. (27:50) What the law of thermodynamics has to do with relationships. (35:05) Affectionate detachment: what is it and do you need to implement it? (46:20) Why happiness should never be your goal in life. (54:05) And so much more... When you think of a monk do you think of coding, a Macbook Pro and lessons about life? Maybe the last of those three pops to mind but certainly the first two don't! And that is what makes our guest for episode 327 so interesting. Dandapani is a Hindu monk who lived in a Hawaiian monastery where they gave him a MacBook Pro and he spent some of his time coding websites! On today's show we talk about his origin story as a monk, how to keep children from sucking the energy out your relationship and what to do about energy vampires...all of that and so much more on this edition of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: Dandapani knew he wanted to be a monk since the age of 4. And he spent years looking for a teacher he connected with. He found many along the way, but none were the ideal match until he was a sophomore in college. He loved how practical and down to earth this particular teacher was and so when he told Dandapani to finish his engineering degree before joining his monastery, that's what he did. The moment he knew he had passed all of his exams and had completed his degree, Dandapani was on a flight to Hawaii. For the next 10 years he lived a life of celibacy and technology. He says his guru believed in bringing their teachings to the world, not through stone tablets, but through electronic tablets and web sites. So that's what the monks did: they built web sites, they learned a myriad of technology tools like Adobe products, Final Cut Pro, audio editing software, etc. And if that wasn't unconventional enough, they also watched 30 minutes of the news every day to keep them in touch with the world. Of course they also performed their daily chores and meditated, but only an hour of meditation per day and not the entire day like some orders. Dandapani learned a tremendous amount from his time with the order. When his 10 years were up, he left and returned to the mainland of the US (and not his home in Sri Lanka). He spent a year transitioning into "real life" and then moved to New York City with his wife where they now live. Although they don't have children yet, Dandapani has sage words for anyone who does on how to keep their marriage or relationship in tact while raising a family. He believes in what he calls "an energy hierarchy" and that if you follow his hierarchy, you will be able to stay connected to your significant other through the ups and downs of family life and you won't lose your relationship to your children's lives. In his hierarchy, you come first. That means you have to take care of yourself first, so you then have energy to give to your spouse who is next on the list. Children come in third. And why is this? Because typically if you take care of you and your spouse before your kids, you'll have the energy necessary to take care of them. On the subject of energy, Dandapani also had valuable advice on how to deal with energy vampires. He says 99% of the people he speaks with say they have energy vampires in their lives, but all too often we don't have the courage to address the issue. Once a year he sits down and assesses his relationships. He looks at who is an energy vampire in his life and then asks whether this is their natural way of being or are they simply going through a rough patch right now. If it's just a rough patch he never breaks ties with them. But if the person seems to just be depressed and negative on the whole, he finds a way to either minimize contact with them or to stop communicating with them entirely. He calls this affectionate detachment and in this episode he shares when and how to use it. One tip he gives us is to avoid communicating your stance with the energy vampire(s) in your life; you don't need to tell them you're cutting them out of your lives whenever possible because that simply instigates more negative conversation from them. Dandapani has quite a few additional suggestions and practical advice he generously shares with us in this episode, have a listen to hear it all! I want to thank him for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS DANDAPANI! If you enjoyed this session of the Art of Charm Podcast, let Dandapani know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Dandapani on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Dandapani's web siteDandapani's YouTube channel Conversations on the Spiritual Path, Dandapani's podcast Dandapani on TwitterLondon Real podcast Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast Wanna leave a comment? Too bad! Email me instead (we read everything)! HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordanh@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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326: Alex Kouts | The Art of Negotiating Oct 13, 2014

Show notes

Alex Kouts gives us the edge we need to overcome our fear of negotiating and make deals that benefit both sides of any arrangement. The Cheat Sheet: Why everybody's price is an f-you price, according to Alex. (11:15) How to emotionally prepare for awkwardness of negotiations. (23:20) BATNA: what is it and why is it so important? (31:10) Why women are better at negotiating than men. (32:30) When to apply the silent strategy. (35:05) What's the nuclear option in negotiation and how do you know when to push the red button? (48:30). And so much more... Find out more about the team who makes The Art of Charm podcast here! Show notes at http://theartofcharm.com/podcast-episodes/alex-kouts-art-negotiating-episode-326/ HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dig the show, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from the crowd and help people find the credible advice they need. Review the show in iTunes! We rely on it! http://www.theartofcharm.com/mobilereview Stay Charming!

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324: Judy Robinett | How to be a Power Connector Oct 08, 2014

Show notes

Choose who you connect with wisely. "Other people have all of the critical resources to get you to where you need to go." -Judy Robinett The Cheat Sheet: How to know if you're in the wrong room. (4:30) What are the three golden questions and when should you ask them? (13:20) Your network comes BEFORE your success: true or false? (13:35) How to test for duds in your network. (29:00) How to improve your ability to ask. (36:10) How she got Mark Burnett to endorse her show. (48:25) And so much more... If someone was from a small town in Idaho would you take their advice on networking? What if they had 10 billionaires in their Rolodex, would you listen then? That hypothetical person is our guest for today's show. On episode 324 we're talking with and taking notes from Judy Robinett, a power connector, a giver and the author of How To Be a Power Connector. We'll be discussing how to be a power connector, a life hack for connecting with people who have zero time, and what makes a quality relationship...and so much more on this edition of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: Judy Robinett knows what it's like to build a network. She wasn't born into powerful connections and in fact, she considers herself to be shy. To add to that, she lives in a small town in Idaho of less than 300 people so she's had to put in the time, effort and energy to build her Rolodex and be the power connector she is today. And she's done that by knowing the value of relationships and how to connect with people to build and solidify a relationship. She says it boils down to a few things, one of those being in the right room. What she means by that is putting yourself in the right place to connect with the right people. You have to connect and bond with people who are influential, wealthy and connected; and you have to know the right rooms to find them in. Regardless of where you are in your life, Judy says you do have something to give to these people: your ability to listen. Everyone has a problem they need solved, but all too often we're consumed with our own lives and our own issues to actually listen to someone else and hear their problems. And listening to someone allows them to know, like and trust you. And when someone knows you and likes you and trusts you, they are far more likely to help you with your problems and to connect you with their sphere of influence. If you need a way to find these people, Judy recommends joining the symphony or joining a powerful organization as a volunteer. You have something to give and you have something to offer, find a place where you can give it and connect with influencers in the process. Another life hack all of us can use to connect with anyone, even the uber-busy successful millionaires and thought leaders of the world is to attend an event they're at, meet them and establish a bit of a rapport before offering to drive them to the airport. They have to get to the airport somehow right?! If you can take them there, you'll have their undivided attention and be able to chat with them one on one. By doing so, you're adding value to their lives and making things easier for them which are two key components to building a solid, robust and successful relationship. So whether you're driving someone to the airport or volunteering within their organization or simply listening, you're adding value and contributing to that person's life. And Judy says that is one of the most important ways to start a connection that will strengthen and add value to both of your networks and both of your lives. Judy had so much value to contribute in this episode! I really appreciated how generously she shared her knowledge and insights, and the real-life examples of being a power connector are particularly valuable. I want to thank Judy for joining us and to thank you for being here too. Enjoy the episode and we'll see you next time. THANKS JUDY! If you enjoyed this session of the Art of Charm Podcast, let Judy know by clicking on the link below and sending her a quick shout out on Twitter: Click here to thank Judy on Twitter! Resources from this episode: Judy Robinett's web siteHow To Be a Power Connector, by Judy Robinett Judy on TwitterSchool of Greatness podcast Try Squarespace (free) and support our supporters! You'll also like: -The Art of Charm Toolbox -Best of The Art of Charm Podcast HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email jordanh@theartofcharm.com Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!

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