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Episode 22 - Compassion & Miracles Sep 21, 2018

Show notes

In several scriptures in the New Testament it says that the Savior was "Moved with Compassion" and then a miracle followed. When we have compassion for ourselves and compassion for our spouse and others, what kind of miracles will we see in our own life and around us?

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In several scriptures in the New Testament it says that the Savior was "Moved with Compassion" The dictionary says:

Moved means: to prompt or rouse to the doing of something AND

Compassion means: a sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

So When it says the Savior was "Moved with Compassion" because he was a Sympathetic person He was Prompted or Roused with to do something to alleviate the distress of someone.

And then if you keep reading in the scriptures when He's moved to compassion some sort of miracle followed…

So compassion for someone brought about a miracle…

I talk to my clients a lot about acting from emotions that produce their best self. I feel like LOVE is one of the best emotions we can act from to produce our best life. Love for ourselves and love for others. That is why I called this podcast Live from Love. So we can LIVE and ACT from our Best Self and LOVE produces that result.

But often when a situation or circumstance happens to us or around us, we think thoughts that don't prompt love, but prompt other emotions that don't show our best selves.

Anger, Irritability, Sadness, Jealousy, Frustration…. these kinds of emotions don't MOVE us to act with LOVE and Compassion. They often MOVE us to act in ways that are not our best.

So When my clients have thoughts that produce these emotions and they are not acting as their best selves, I talk to my them about

Having Compassion for themselves
Having Compassion for others, which eventually brings LOVE, even when its hard.

Having Compassion for Ourselves

We are human. It is part of our journey here on earth to make mistakes. In fact, that was an essential part of the plan. Our Heavenly Father knew this. He knew we would make mistakes. He counted on it. That is why He gave us a Savior and the Atonement.

So why do we beat ourselves up so much when we make mistakes? When we don't handle things exactly as we should? When we aren't our best selves?

Our Heavenly Father loves us so much. He VALUES us so much.

It says in The Book of Moses that his entire purpose is to bring us back to Him because he values our imperfect selves SO MUCH "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man"

Who are we to say otherwise? That we are not of value? That we are not worthy of love? That who we are, who He created us to be, is not enough? That mistakes He knew we would make make before we even came to earth would make us unworthy to be loved by Him and others?

It's just NOT true. It's a lie we tell ourselves. It's a lie that Satan wants us to believe.

So I coach my clients a lot on loving themselves and having COMPASSION for themselves FIRST. Having compassion for the mistakes that they make. Having compassion for our natural human inadequacies. Having compassion for the thoughts our brain automatically thinks. We were created in our Heavenly Father's image. He has compassion for us. He embodies compassion. So should we. For ourselves and others. Compassion is our deepest nature.

Our brain

I want you to think about when you put on a pair of pants. Now when you were little, your mom probably had to teach you that you make sure you are putting them on the right way, that the tag goes in the back. And then you put one leg in and then the other, and then you pull them up and do up the button and the zipper. And when you were little you had to think about each little step. But as you learned how and did it over and over, it became automatic. I bet you don't even think about it anymore. You just put on your pants. That's because that was designated to the lower brain. It's a habit. It doesn't need much thought.

Our brains are often on autopilot. The lower brain - the one that gives us all these thoughts to protect us is really good at being on autopilot. That's its job. When we form habits and we don't really have to think about things much anymore, like putting on pants, those things get designated to the lower brain,

That's what our lower brain is really good for. When we leave it unsupervised, it's default is to keep doing what its used to doing and to keep us alive. To protect us. Protect us physically and emotionally. It's watching out for tigers and mean girls.

So when something happens that it thinks is a threat - it starts sending us all sorts of thoughts to help keep us safe. That's its job. That's what it is supposed to do.

But those thoughts are not always helpful. So that is why I tell my clients that they need to be compassionate with themselves when they start to notice these thoughts that aren't helpful.

Remember that its just our brain trying to protect us and we need to engage our higher brain and have a sympathetic consciousness of the lower brains distress and try to alleviate it. We have COMPASSION for our lower brain doing its job trying to protect us.

We need to have COMPASSION for us being who our Heavenly Father created us to be - a human who makes mistakes.

Developing COMPASSION and eventually LOVE for others.

Sometimes that is hard to do. Especially when that person has done something to hurt us or someone we love.

So let's take it to the extreme first. Because when I work with clients on the concept of unconditional love I often get push back about the extremes. How can I think thoughts that make me FEEL love for rapists and murderers?

So say that someone murdered your neighbors child. Your lower brain - wanting to protect you - tells you to think thoughts of HATE for this person. WE can not LIKE him. We definitely can not LOVE him. No way. No how. Your lower brain doesn't want you to think loving or compassionate thoughts for this person because its trying to keep you alive.

But I want you to engage your higher brain. I want you to get curious about what this person must have been through in his life to make him think that murdering someone was an ok thing to do? Someone probably severely abused him. He was not taught right from wrong. He wasn't taught that he had any value on this earth. He was in such emotional pain that he thought murdering someone was the right choice.

Isn't that sad? Isn't it so sad that someone could do that to another human being? That they could be in such emotional pain that they would make such a horrible choice. My heart goes out to that person. And while I know what he did was wrong, I can have COMPASSION for him and LOVE him for everything he has been through to bring him to this point.

When I am trying to have compassion for the other person, I try to see them as the Savior would see them. Would He see them as some evil individual who is not worthy of any sort of compassion or love? No! He would see them as His brother and someone who is damaged and hurting and needs LOVE and COMPASSION in the worst way.

Compassion and LOVE does NOT excuse the behavior. It does NOT mean that there shouldn't be consequences for behavior. It doesn't mean you need to spend time with or be around that person. It just means that you are trying to understand where that person is coming from and loving them for who they are (a valuable child of God) and not for what they have done or not done in this imperfect human existence.

How can we have more compassion in our marriages?

Can we see the other person for who they really are? What their human struggles are? Can we get curious as to why they behave the way they do instead of judging them for it?

Let me give you an example -

I have a client who's husband often says unkind things to her and tries to control everything she does. Her first thought is "He shouldn't do that" and she often questions her own value and self-worth because of the things he says to her. She says she is having a hard time loving him.

So I asked her to get curious about why he says those things. Could they be true? What would prompt him to say unkind things to her? We talked about how it is NEVER ok for someone to mistreat you and it's important to set boundaries when that happens. But we try to be curious about WHY and have COMPASSION for that person and the challenges they face in their own mind.

Eventually, after setting boundaries, and not letting herself be mistreated, she asked him about it. He had been abandoned by his mother and was afraid of losing her (like he lost his mom). So he was trying to control everything she did so that he wouldn't lose her. But in the process, he was driving her away.

When she understood WHY, she felt compassion for him. She was able to let him know that it wasn't ok what he was doing. That controlling her was actually making her want NOT be with him. But she wanted to stay married to him. So if he would be kind and loving, they could build a loving and lasting marriage.

That marriage could have ended. She could have left because of the way he was treating her. But she hasn't left him. The marriage is still a work in progress, but it is still there. She is loving him and having compassion for who he is and what he has been through instead of just being judgmental about his judgements and hurt by them. I think that's a miracle.

When we are moved to compassion we transcend ourselves to the level of someone else and help raise them to a better place. And when we do that, miracles can happen.

I love this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day over a lifetime….If you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow. If it appears to take forever, remember, happy marriage are meant to last forever."

Isn't that's great?

How to have compassion in our marriages

So besides getting curious about why our spouse (or others) are the way they are, having compassion for that, and loving them despite their imperfections. I wanted to share with you a few more ideas on how you can be more compassionate in your marriage.

Let go of expectations - we've talked about this one a lot in past episodes. Letting go of expectations and just loving our spouse for who they are is VERY compassionate.
Stop asking "What's Wrong" and instead as "What day you need form me in this moment" Crappy days happen for everyone - understand that they can happen for your spouse too and its ok for them to be in a bad mood sometimes.
Ask your partner what compassion means for them. It might mean something completely different than it does to you.
Be there for them physically and emotionally. You don't even have to say a word - a kind touch and a listening ear can often be all that they need.
Admit that you might be wrong. Your way isn't always best.
Be truthful. Honesty equals compassion. Even when its hard.
Examine your motives. Are you being compassionate out of expectations of return or because you truly care?
Draw the line. Compassion doesn't mean over giving or co-dependency. Compassion simply allows you to care without losing yourself.
Take care of yourself too - being compassionate with others doesn't mean "putting your needs aside.

This week I want you to think about when your spouse has shown compassion for you. How has that helped raise you up? How has that helped your relationship? How can you do that for them? How can you create more miracles in your life and the lives around you by showing compassion to yourself and your spouse?

Episode 21 - How To Stop Feeling Overwhelmed Sep 14, 2018

Show notes

Do you often feel overwhelmed with life and everything you have going on? In this episode we discuss what is really the cause of you feeling overwhelmed and how you can overcome it so that you can be more confident, organized in your daily life, productive, and feel better.

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I hear a lot of women today talk about how overwhelmed they are with their life. And believe me, I've been there too. We are overwhelmed by our homes, our jobs, our kids activities, our church callings. Everything is just so overwhelming.

So if we think about the The Model that I taught in Episode 17 The FEELING of overwhelm would go in the F line. And as we know, our feelings are caused by our thoughts. Now, lets think about what kind of THOUGHTS bring on the FEELINGS of overwhelm.

Thoughts like "I don't have enough time" "There is too much to do" "I can't get it all done" "I'm not capable of all this" are usually some of the thoughts that bring up the feeling of OVERWHELM

And when we are overwhelmed, what do we do? What is the A line (the action line) of our model? I would say for most people the feeling of OVERWHELM brings INACTION. When we feel overwhelmed, we don't do anything or we do something to AVOID doing what actually needs to get done (like watch netflix or scroll Instagram) am I right???

And when we do this, what is our R line in the model? Our result? We don't get anything done and now we have LESS time because we sat around and drank our diet coke while scrolling instagram for way too long!

Do you see how thinking those thoughts actually made things worse?

I like to say that OVERWHELM is an indulgent thought. Now think about what indulgent means. Mr. Webster defines indulge as "taking unrestrained pleasure in, to yield to the desire of, or to treat with excessive leniency, generosity, or consideration"

So in being "overwhelmed" we are taking an unrestrained pleasure in, yielding to the desire of, and treating with excessive leniency the thoughts that we entertain so that we don't actually have to do what needs to be done.

So how do we not feel overwhelmed?

I know, as wives and mothers we have so much on our plates. Sometimes it is more than we can physically do. But that is where taking control of our thinking comes into play.

I want you to think back to Podcast 18 on Setting Goals. We talked about having 6 areas of our life (mental, physical, social, spiritual, family, and work) and having a VALUE statement for each area, and then making long term goals, short term goals, and breaking it down to daily tasks. Doing this gives us a way to prioritize what is truly important in our lives. This also makes things more ORGANIZED in our mind.

When we know what we value, we can more easily organize our time and our tasks by what is truly important.

If our mind isn't organized, we will never be able to organize our lives.

We have to get things straight in our brain first. Internal organization creates external organization.

Now one thing you may not know about me, is that I LOVE to organize. Organization is something that comes really easy to me and its something that I love to do and I'm really good at.

So when I am organizing a drawer or a closet or a room, I first take everything out, sort through things, get rid of all the unwanted and unneeded items, and then put things back in an orderly fashion by categories. Everything has a home.

The same is true with our minds. You need to examine your thoughts. Sort through them. (memories, subconscious thoughts, judgements, negative self-talk, positive self-talk, plans, gratitude, etc.) Get rid of the unwanted and unneeded thoughts, and decide what you want to keep. Is there any new thoughts you want to add in there? Make sure its something you really want and have a place for.

When I am at the store, say Target, there are ALWAYS a ton of cute home decor items I really want to buy. I could easily go and spend a few hundred dollars buying cute things for my house and then get home and have NO WHERE to put them. So when I do purchase something, I am very deliberate about it. I think through and decide beforehand exactly where its going to go, and possibly what I am going to get rid of so that there is room for this in my life.

The same goes with my thoughts. I am deliberate about what I am choosing to think. Each thought is chosen for a reason that will get me closer to my goals and aligns with my values.

So bringing this back to OVERWHELM - I am going to purposely choose thoughts about my life and about my tasks at hand that don't bring me into overwhelm. I don't want room for those kinds of thoughts in my brain. I want to deliberately choose thoughts that will make me feel confident, empowered, and able to take on whatever life throws at me.

So when you have a lot on your plate and your thoughts naturally go to "This is too much" or "I can't handle this" I want you to just notice what your brain is doing. It's doing its job. It's trying to protect you. Thank you brain. But then deliberately choose to think different thoughts.

Now some thoughts you might want to try on when those overwhelming thoughts creep in are

"I can totally handle this"

"I have exactly the amount of time I need to get things done"

"I am capable and I've got this"

These thoughts make me feel confident and able and then my mind is clear and I am able to find solutions and get things done. Sometimes that means reprioritizing tasks for another day, finding someone to help me, or being compassionate with myself that I am doing the best I can and if I don't get everything done, that is OK!

So yesterday was a day that I was running from one thing to the next. I had to get the kids off to school, then I had coaching sessions with my clients, I recorded an interview for another podcast, my daughter had a doctors appointment, I had a coaching call with my coach, my son had a music lesson, I needed to go to the grocery store and fix dinner, and then another daughter had a double-header for softball. I could have chosen to be overwhelmed with everything, but instead I chose to believe I could get everything done, no problem. Well guess what, by the time I got home from the grocery store to fix dinner it was almost time to leave for softball. The dinner I had planned was scratched, we threw something else together, and were on our merry way. It was a great day, even though it was so busy. And I could have been so overwhelmed and really not done a whole lot if I had chosen to indulge in that emotion. But I organized my mind, organized my day, chose empowering thoughts, and it all worked out, even if dinner didn't go exactly as planned.

So relating this to marriage. We often blame a lot of our overwhelm on our spouses for not doing their fair share. We expect them to know what our needs our, to pick up some of the slack, and when they don't, we are hurt and use it as evidence that they don't love us or they don't care about us, because if they did they would see what we need and do it.

I want to encourage you to DROP the expectations. Absolutely communicate your requests to your spouse, but do NOT make them not doing something mean ANYTHING about you.

"Honey, I am running late, would you please start dinner"

"I have a lot going on today, could you run Johnny to soccer practice this evening"

But you can NOT expect them to see your needs and do it if you do not COMMUNICATE with them. And even if you do communicate with them and they don't do it or they can't do it, it's still not about YOU. It's about them. Maybe they aren't doing a good job communicating what is on THEIR plate. Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed with all of their own responsibilities. Be understanding that each person is doing THEIR best in that moment, even if their best isn't great. We are all human, and we all need a little compassion and understanding.

Episode 20 - Quit Blaming Others For How You Feel Sep 07, 2018

Show notes

Part of being an emotional adult is taking responsibility for our own emotions. Even in our marriage. It is not our partners responsibility for making us feel loved, secure, and happy. We have to do that for ourselves. Listen in to find out how…

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So today we are going to talk about how to quit blaming others for how you feel. So in the world of life coaching we call this emotional childhood vs. emotional adulthood.

As children, most of us were taught that we can make others feel a certain way. We've probably inadvertently taught that to our children as well

"Don't do that or Mommy will be sad"

"We need to share so that Sally's feelings won't be hurt"

"You need to invite Johnny to your party so that he doesn't feel left out"

So all of these little things taught us (and we in turn teach our children) that we have control over how someone else feels by what we say or how we act.

So if we have power over someone else's emotions, people can have power over ours as well, right?

We believed that whatever is happening in our lives in the cause of our pain rather than being aware of the thoughts that we are thinking that are creating these emotions in us.

But if you remember in our model (which I teach in Episode 17) our thoughts come from our circumstances, and that is what gives us our emotions.

But, as children we were not taught this or taught how to understand our own emotions or how to deal with them.

So even as adults we react to our emotions, act out, or avoid emotions, rather that taking full responsibility for them and choosing thoughts that will create the emotions we want to experience.

Essentially as adults we are still functioning as emotional children. This is what we call Emotional Childhood.

So much of what we have learned in this life is how to avoid pain. We use things to "buffer" away our feelings - food, shopping, pornography, sex, netflix, social media, exercise, work, etc.

The only way to achieve emotional maturity or Emotional Adulthood is through self-responsibility.

So what does that mean? What does Emotional Adulthood entail?

We take control of our own thoughts and don't blame other people for our emotions or the results we are getting in our life.
Take responsibility for our own pain and also for our own joy
Not expect others to make us happy
Not expecting others to make us feel secure.
Appreciating that we are the only ones who can hurt our feelings, and that we can do that with our own thoughts.

And we need to do this at all times!

No wonder it feels like such hard work to begin thinking about our own thinking and realize that we can actually choose how went to feel, no matter what other people do or say.

This is awesome news, because this means we have power over our own lives. When we blame someone else for how we are feeling, we are handing our power over to another person. Handing over that power makes us dependent on that person for how we feel…a dependent is otherwise known as a child. But when we understand that we are in charge of how we feel because of our thoughts, we get to take all that power back.

So let me give you an example -

I have a client who has quite a temper. When he gets stressed out at work, he likes to blame everyone else for his frustration and anger. He does NOT like to take responsibility for it. It's always someone else's fault that he is angry. This is so disempowering! He's handing over control of his emotions to someone else. But really, his emotions are coming from his thoughts about what is happening at work. And if he would take responsibility for those thoughts, realize that he gets to control his thoughts and therefore how he feels about what is happening, then he gets all of his power back. Now, he may still choose to be angry about the situation, but understanding that the anger is coming from his thoughts and not blaming the other person, he is still acting like an Emotional Adult.

So when applying this to marriage - we are often looking to our spouse to make us feel loved, secure, sexy, and happy. But as we know, how we feel comes from our thoughts. And no one can make us THINK certain things, all of our thoughts are a choice. So if we want to think thoughts about being loved, secure, sexy, and happy, then we have to choose to purposely think those thoughts and that is what will make us feel that way.

But because we tend to think that our partner can make us feel these things, this is why traditional therapy often doesn't work. You sit down in a room with your spouse and the therapist says "ok tell your spouse your needs in this marriage and vice versa, and then the spouse is supposed to do what they can to meet your needs to make you happy. But it never does, because they never can. You are the only one who can meet your needs. You are the only one who can choose your thoughts to make you feel how you want to feel. Your spouse, even if they are trying, will never be able to meet your needs. They may make it EASIER for you to think thoughts that make you feel loved, and secure, and happy. But you are the ONLY one that can think the thoughts to make you feel that way.

A couple sits down in marriage counseling and the the therapist says

"Ok - wife, I want you to list all the things that make you feel loved and secure in this marriage"

I need you to tell me you love me every day
I need you to bring me flowers
I need you to tell my I am beautiful
I need you to come home from work and help me with the kids
etc.

If you do all that you will make me feel loved and secure. And the husband says…"ok..I can do that"

- And he tells hers "I love you" every day

Now she can choose to think

"Oh, he does love me" and she feels loved

or she could think "well he's only telling me he loves me because I told him to" and then she doesn't feel love - she feels resentment and anger

See how her choice of what she thinks impact how she feels even if he does the exact same things???

So if everyone is responsible for how they feel, does that mean we can say or do whatever we want? Are we responsible for how we treat our spouse and others? Ultimately how they feel is on them, right?

Even though you aren't responsible for someone else's feelings, you are still responsible for how you behave. It's up to you to decide how you want to show up in the world.

Being an emotional adult is hard. It definitely takes more work and more effort. But it really is worth it.

Taking the step to manage ourselves and our minds so we aren't dependent on other people for how we feel is awesome! Because that is how we can truly be happy.

Episode 19 - Friendship Aug 31, 2018

Show notes

What is friendship? A relationship we have with anyone is ONLY about what we think about that person. The relationship only exists in our minds. We can create friendship and connection with people just by what we choose to think about them.

In this episode I give 10 tips on how to be a good friend. Because we all know the best way to have good friends, is to be a good friend.

Episode 18 - Setting Goals Aug 24, 2018

Show notes

What do you value? What is the culture of your family? By clearly defining your values and setting goals based on those values, you will be able to align your life and achieve the things you want most. This episode clearly outlines the way I set goals for myself and my family to reach our dreams. You can too!

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I grew up in a goal oriented family. When I was young, my mom worked part time for Franklin Day Planners. My parents were also big fans of Stephen Covey. Franklin merged with Covey, and then it was Franklin Covey that my mom worked for. I think i got my first Franklin Day Planner when I was about 10.

My parents taught me about how the Franklin Covey day planner worked. You first determined what your values were, then you set long term goals based around those values. You broke the long term goals down in to short term goals, and the short term goals got broken down into daily tasks. Each built upon each other to help you reach those long term goals that coincided with what you personally value.

My dad is also famous (well famous in our little world) for a talk he gives on The Wheel of Balance. He talks about a wheel made up of 6 different areas

Mental
Social
Physical
Spiritual
Family
Work

He talks about how each of these areas need balance in our lives. If one of them is missing or one is inflated more that the rest, the wheel won't turn smoothly. We get stuck. So as a youth, I set my values and long term goals based around these 6 areas. And I still do today.

Because of these goals, I was able to achieve just about anything I set my mind to as a teenager.

For example - I value my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Gospel. Some of my long-term goals I set when I was a youth was to

Be worthy to enter the temple (for either marriage or before a mission)
To be married in the temple
Read cover to cover and gain a testimony of all 4 sets of scripture (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine & Covenants)
Get my Young Women Medallion
Graduate from Seminary

Then I would break those down into short term goals.

So I would make a goal to read The Book of Mormon by a certain date

Then my daily task was to read so many chapters each day.

Those things fulfilled my "Spiritual" spoke on the wheel.

Other goals that I had that went along with my values were

Maintain a certain GPA
Go to Brigham Young University
Participate in Swim Team
Sing in the Choir
Save X amount for college
etc.

Now that I am adult, my goals are a little bit different than they were when I was teenager, but my values are still pretty much the same.

I wanted to pass on this same goal oriented life to my children, so In January we did a great family home evening where we set our Family Values and then set some goals in each area that we wanted to work on.

First we brainstormed a lot of different ideas, and then we voted and narrowed it down to 7 things.

We are service oriented
We are respectful
We are optimistic
We are learners
We are self-reliant
We are adventurous
We are Christ-centered

Under each of these 7 categories we listed a few things that we want to work on as a family.

Some of these things I think we already do well, (like grow a garden, and going to church each week) and some things are things we agreed we need to work on (like being willing to try new foods and take shorter showers).

I made a 24x36 poster on my computer and had it printed at my local UPS store for about $4 and we hang it on the door between our kitchen and garage so that it is a constant reminder.

(see below)

This is a great exercise to do with your kids and figure what your family values and what goals you have and to figure out the culture of your family.

A few weeks ago on the 3in30 podcast, Host Rachel Nielsen interviewed Chamaine Wollenzien of Wandering Families for Episode 40. Chamaine said that the culture of her family is "We are a hiking family." Rachel posed the question "What is your family culture" out to her audience on social media with a great response. People responded "We are a reading family" "We are a snuggling family" "We are movie watching family"

When I have thought about that question, I have really struggled with it. Because we are a blended family, I feel like I have one culture when its just me and my kids and I have a different culture when I'm with my husband and his kids. And when we are all together…I wasn't really sure.

But then I was able to look back at this exercise we did as a family and I can say that the thing that really brings us together is that "We are a Christ-Centered Family" and that really brought me a lot of peace.

So now that it's Back To School time again, now is a GREAT time to sit down by yourself or with your family and set some Values, Long Term Goals, Short Terms Goals, and maybe even break it down into daily tasks.

And Remember, Goals need to be S.M.A.R.T.

SMART is a great acronym for setting goals

S - Specific

M - Measurable

A - Attainable

R - Realistic

T - Time Bound

S - Specific, set goals that are specific. What is the outcome that you want? Does it reflect your values? What do you hope to achieve by setting this goal?

M - Measurable - how can you break it down. Can you evaluate the progress you are making?

A - Attainable, now this goes back to Podcast 15 and Redefining Success. You need to make goals that you actually have control over.

R - Realistic - if you make a goal to be able fly of your own accord, it's probably not very realistic, so make sure they are goals that you can realistically achieve

T - Time Bound - set a time limit. Set an end.

Now, I think it is a GREAT idea to not only set some goals that are attainable, but some some goals that REALLY stretch you. That push your limits. Maybe that's a goal to increase your families income by a LOT, or to lose a lot of weight. Something that is going to be tough.

But also remember that you don't need to be perfect at this. And even if your time is up on your goal and you didn't get all the way there, look back at the PROGRESS you've made and how much you were able to achieve by setting the goal, even if you didn't make it all the way.

As human beings we were not meant to stay stagnant. We are meant to constantly be growing and learning. When we get stagnant in our lives, we feel uncomfortable. And while growth, from setting goals, can also be uncomfortable, that uncomfortability is worth it.

Sometimes, we are afraid to set goals and to stretch ourselves out of fear of failure. But don't we automatically fail by not trying?

We will discuss failure more in depth on another episode, but for now I just want you to understand that it's ok to fail if you are trying. You can just take that as evidence that what you tried didn't work and you need to approach it another way. You don't need to make it mean anything more than that. Make it mean something positive. Don't make it mean something negative about you. But not trying it all is automatically failing and not quite achieving everything you wanted means you at least got part of the way there, and you learned and grew in the process and you just have more work to do.

Rachel Hollis has a great practice in that she writes down 10 big goals in a notebook like she has already achieved them. She writes them down (the same 10 big goals) every single day until she achieves them. And she says that by writing them down every single day like they are already done, and putting those great vibes out into the universe, they ALWAYS come true. By focusing on them every single day she is constantly working on them in subtle ways and her goals are always achieved.

Right now my friend Monica Packer from the podcast About Progress is running a 30-day wake up challenge. Her goal is to wake up by 6:30 every day so that she can be more productive in the day. She's broken down that down to what she needs to do at night in order to wake up earlier in the morning, and then what she needs to do in the morning, to make things a little bit easier. She realizes that she may not be perfect at this, but like her podcast says, its not about perfection, it's about progress!

So I'd like to challenge you this week to set a goal you want to work on and post it to social media. Tag me in the post and use the #livefromlovegoals

Then take the time to write those big goals down EVERY SINGLE DAY and let's see if they come true!

Show Notes:

Wake Up Challenge: AboutProgress.com

Family Culture: 3in30podcast.com

Our family values & goals

My family sat down in January and decided what our family values are and things that we are already doing and can work on as a family. I created this poster and it hangs on the door between our kitchen and garage as a constant reminder.

Don't forget to get my 5 tips for improving your marriage! Get the Tips!

Episode 17 - How to Solve Any Problem Aug 17, 2018

Show notes

When coaching my clients, they come to me with a variety of issues. Any problem can be classified into 1 of 5 categories

Circumstance
Thought
Feeling
Action
Result

Using a model developed by Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School, I can help my clients get better results in their life no matter what the issue is.

Today's episode will give you a very basic overview of The Model with some examples of how I have used it in my life and the lives of my clients.

I've also included a self-coaching worksheet here so that you can get a copy of it and work through some of your issues on your own. While it may seem simple, it can be harder than you think, which is why you need my help. Sign up for a free mini-session and we can work through a model together and I can help you see where you can make some small changes in your life that will give you BIG results!

Show Summary

Last week we talked about what life coaching is, and why I think everyone needs one. This week I wanted to share with you the Model I use with all of my clients in every single session I have with them. This model was developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School and it is really amazing. I've seen it work over and over in my life and in the lives of my clients. So let's get to it….

So when I work with my clients I talk to them about the issues they are having. Every single issue can be broken down into one of 5 things

A Circumstance - Circumstances are things that happen in the world around us. Things we don't control and can't directly change. They are FACTS.
Thoughts - These are the sentences that constantly run through our minds. Sometimes we are aware of these thoughts, but many times we are not. We think thoughts based on the circumstances in our lives. We can't change our circumstances, but we can change what we think about them.
Feelings - Feelings are the vibrations we experience in our bodies and they are directly tied to the thoughts that we think. They are different that sensations, like hunger and physical pain. Emotions are voluntary because we can change what we feel by what we are thinking.
Actions - These are the behaviors, reactions, and sometimes inaction that are directly related to our feelings. If we want different actions, we can choose different feelings.
Results - These are the effects of our actions. Choosing different actions will give us different results.

So….our THOUGHTS about our CIRCUMSTANCES cause our FEELINGS, which cause our ACTIONS and ultimately give us our RESULTS… by understanding that process we can make amazing changes in our lives by choosing to think different things.

So when a client comes to me and tells me the problem they are having, it ALWAYS falls into one of these 5 things and together I help them see how they can make changes by changing the way they are thinking.

Let me illustrate with a few examples…

First I will give you just a very basic example with TRAFFIC

C: Traffic

T: I hate traffic, it always makes me late, and I start off the day bad

F: Grumpy, frustrated

A: Not as productive

R: Bad day at work

C: Traffic

T: I will take advantage of this extra time I have in the car to listen to my new audiobook

F: happy, fulfilled

A: productive

R: good day at work

So that's a very BASIC example. Now I want to give you an example from one of my clients.

This client is just recently divorced. She has custody of her 3 girls, works, and was trying to find a new home to live in.

C: Recently divorced

T: This is so overwhelming, and I have so much to do, I am not getting time with my girls

F: overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, inadequate, depressed

A: inaction, sleeping

R: not getting done what she needs to and not spending time with her girls

C: Recently divorced

T: I can do everything I need to and still have time to spend with my girls

F: Confident, Happy, Empowered, Productive

A: Gets done what she needs to and spends time with girls

R: Better relationship with her daughters and feeling good about herself

See how just changing her thought gave her completely different feelings, actions, and results, even though her circumstance was the same?

Now, I know this seems super simple. And in some cases in can be. But in most it is not. Changing thoughts that have been in your brain for long periods can take a while to change. But it is definitely possible.

It's important that you just begin to notice your thoughts. Notice what you are thinking and what emotions, actions, and results you are getting as a result of those thoughts. As you begin to notice them, then it will make it easier to change them.

As members of the LDS church we believe that one of the greatest blessings we have here on earth is the gift of Agency. Most of the time we think that agency is just choosing right from wrong. Good from evil. But I believe that learning to consciously choose even the thoughts that we think is the highest form of our agency.

So when you begin to notice your thoughts (Eckhart Tolle describes it as becoming A Watcher) your brain will naturally choose thoughts that are familiar and easy. Be compassionate with yourself as your are trying to change them. Yep…there's that thought again… and then move on to your new thought. But don't get mad at yourself or beat yourself up for continuing to think the same thoughts you've been thinking for a long time. That is totally normally. Just be compassionate and understanding and continue to work to think the new thought. As you consciously choose to think the new thought it will become more natural and you will start to see the changes in yourself.

Now you may think...ok, I can do this. Why do I need a Life coach? And maybe on some things, you can. But I find most people need some help. Especially at first. A lot of people get confused on what are their thoughts versus what is a circumstance. Many times they've been thinking thoughts for so long they think that their thoughts are facts.

I have another client who was also recently divorced for the second time. It has been pretty devastating for her. She was feeling depressed, exhausted, sad, and angry. She said her circumstance was "I am alone". But I showed her that that was actually a thought. It wasn't a fact. She isn't alone. She has children, and grandchildren, and friends who live her and support her. But that thought was causing her so much pain. Together we found a new thought that fueled her to use her story to help others. To serve others. This made her happy. This made her feel like she could move forward. It changed her course. Now, that doesn't mean she still doesn't have dark days. Dark hours. Dark moments. But they are far less.

Something else I want you to understand is that it is ok to have negative emotion. We don't need to (and we don't always want to) change what we are thinking so that we never experience negative emotion. I tell my clients to expect about 50/50. 50% positive and 50% negative. But let me give you an example of not changing a thought that causes negative emotion.

When my grandma passed away in January I was obviously sad. Thoughts about her not being here anymore and missing her made me sad. But I wanted to be sad. I wanted to miss her. So I didn't try and change those thoughts.

Sometimes my kids do things that irritate me. Sometimes I want to be irritated, so I don't work to change the thought making me irritated (like, "they shouldn't do that") and sometimes I do ("of course they do that, they are teenagers and that's what teenagers do")

So now I want you to try this out! Download my self-coaching worksheets And then find me on social media @amandaloudercoaching and let me know how it's going for you.

I would also love to help you dive in a little bit further and coach you on whatever you need. Sometimes we need a bit more than what we can do for ourselves. Even I still have a coach because I can't always see the issues I am creating for myself.

Alright friends thats all I have for you today. I hope you have a good week, especially if your kids are headed back to school. We will see you next week!

Episode 16 - What is a life coach and why do I need one? Aug 10, 2018

Show notes

I get asked the question all the time, What is a Life Coach and Why do I need one? On today's podcast I will tell you what I do and why EVERYONE needs a life coach!

Show Summary

So I get asked quite often what a life coach is and why do I need one? So I just wanted to take some time today to tell you about what I do and why having a life coach is such a great thing.

I think a lot of people think a life coach is some cheesy person who gives you positive affirmations to repeat so you feel better about things. And maybe some life coaches operate this way, but that is not what I do.

As a life coach, I can help you get perspective on your life and your mind. I essentially hold a mirror up and help YOU see where you can make changes in the way you think, feel, and act, so that you get the results you want in your life.

Vikki Brock, a coach whose doctoral dissertation had a major influence on the coaching profession said "Coaching came into existence to fill an unmet need, which coincided with the shift away from a model of psychological illness, and toward the humanistic ideal of wellness. And growth."

Coaching is about taking healthy people and helping them make their good lives better.

A life coach is not a substitute for a therapist who will treat mental disorders and diseases. I don't sit and explore your past or have you retell painful stories that cause you discomfort. I help you look at what is happening in your life right now that is causing your pain and discomfort and help you see how you can make changes that will help you suffer less and be happy, confident, empowered, and at peace in your life. Even if your circumstances don't change.

I practice what is called "causal coaching." A lot of life coaches help their clients by fixing the symptoms of their problem. It's the equivalent for treating a broken bone with an over the counter pain reliever. The pain may be gone for a while but the underlying issue is still there, so its ultimately ineffective. But if you treat the actual cause of the pain (the broken bone) then you can actually help them feel better for good. This is what I do. I help you find the cause of the pain and we work together to fix it.

As a coach, I analyze your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from an objective vantage point. I have a different perspective where I can offer suggestions for change and improvement.

So how do I do this?

I work from a Model developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School. She is absolutely amazing. I have been studying her work for quite a while now and will actually be getting my certification from her and the Life Coach School in the near future, which I am really excited about.

Anyway - she developed a model that I work from that works for ANY problem! I will discuss this model more in an upcoming episode. But from this model I use tools to help people in all areas of their life

Marriage and other relationships
Money
Sex & Intimacy
Boundaries
Unconditional Love
Goals
Confidence
Grief
Parenting
Weight Loss
Emotional Maturity
Processing Emotions

So why do I think everyone needs a life coach?

Do you remember the first time you saw yourself on video or heard your own voice from a recording? And you were like "That doesn't sound like me at all!"

That's why you need a life coach! We see ourselves for who we really are and rarely recognize where we are getting in our own way in life.

My coach, Jody Moore, says "You can't read the label from inside the bottle"

And sometimes we may be able to recognize some of those thoughts, beliefs, and patterns, but we don't necessarily know how to change it. But I find that most people are unaware of how they are causing their own suffering and pain. Most people think that their pain or happiness come from their circumstances, which is completely untrue. If it were true, everyone who experienced the same thing would feel the exact same way.

So that's why I think EVERYONE needs a life coach. I do a pretty good job of self-coaching, but there are times where I still don't see where I am getting in my own way. And that is when I go to my coach and have her help me see those things. So I can continue to improve my life and create the life that I want for myself.

So I have chosen to primarily work with people who are struggling in their marriage, who are currently going through a divorce, or who have recently gone through a divorce because I have a lot of experience with that and I've been through it myself. But truly, I can coach anyone on anything. So if you think you may want to try a life coach out, I encourage you to go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session with me and I will show you in about 20 minutes what a life coach and further sessions with me can do. I hope to see you there!

Episode 15 - Redefining Success Aug 03, 2018

Show notes

What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you? What does a successful marriage look like to you? Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control. In today's podcast episode, we are redefining success. I bet you are a lot more successful than you think you are!

How do you define success?

Show Summary

Today I want to talk about success. What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you? What does a successful marriage look like to you? Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control. Then when something doesn't work we feel awful about ourselves.

Let me share with a personal example. I've mentioned before, but I was married to my first husband for 13-1/2 years. That marriage ended in divorce. The world, and a lot of people in it, consider that a failure. For a long time I felt like a failure because that marriage ended. But what I've come to understand and realize, is that I can feel like a failure because I got divorced if I choose to, or I can redefine what a successful marriage means to me.

So now, when I think about my 1st marriage, I don't think about it being a failure. I consider it a success!

Wait what? Amanda…I thought you said that marriage ended? How can it be a success?

The reason I consider it a success is because of how I behaved in the marriage. What I controlled in the marriage.

Before I got divorced it was very important to me that I be able to look back and say "I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work" and I truly feel like I did everything I knew how to do at the time to make it work.

I kept my covenants
I was willing to work on the marriage in every way possible
and I loved him as best as I could

And even though, at the time, I felt like I was doing everything I possibly could to do what he wanted me to so that he could be happy, I know that I could have never made him happy Only he can do that. Only he could make the changes he needed to make in order to be happy and it really had nothing to do with me.

So when I look back on that marriage - I look at my own behavior and what I could control and I consider it successful.

So how are you currently defining success? Are you basing your definition on things you have control over? Or are you basing them on others, how they act and their emotions?

I have a client who is struggling in her role as a wife and a new mother. She had all these expectations of herself, her home, her marriage and according to her she was failing miserably. Her days never went as she wanted. The baby took up so much time she couldn't get done the things she needed to get done to feel successful. Her husband would come home mad because the house was a mess. She was failing (according to her).

I introduced a concept to her I learned from my coach called B- work. I think most of us shoot for A+ work. And if we don't make that we feel awful. We feel like failures. But what if you just shoot for B- work? That usually pretty doable. And if you look at things on an overall scale, some days you can maybe get A+ work and some days you get D work, but it averages out to about B-….so you're good!

I asked my client to redefine what success looks like that is something SHE can control and feel good about. Maybe it could be that her baby is alive and she offered food and she did the dishes that day. And if she did that, it was a success! She wondered about her husband, but I reminded her about what we've talked about in previous podcasts…. she can't control his emotions. That's his business. If he wants to be mad, that's fine. Let him be mad. But she can count her day as successful. And if she was able to get accomplished more than keeping her baby alive, offering her food, and doing the dishes it was an even MORE successful day!

So let's look at what we can define as a successful marriage. Now yours may be different, but I will tell you what my definition is.

I keep my vows and covenants
I love him unconditionally

That's it. Those are things I can control. That's how I can feel successful. If I can do other things beyond that, GREAT! If I can't…. if I lay my head down on my pillow at night and say "today I kept my covenants and I loved him unconditionally" then I had a successful day. Even if he was mad. Even if I was upset about something. As long as I did those two things, I'm successful.

So we talked a little bit about B- work I want to talk a little bit about perfectionism. I hear this a lot, that people are perfectionists. They want everything to be perfect and if its not, then they feel they are a failure. Perfectionism isn't doing just about doing your best. It's actually depriving yourself of the feelings of satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment. And rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and done and complete, we nitpick and see all the imperfections and everything that is wrong. We are NEVER done. Nothing is EVER complete. Because its not perfect. So if nothing is ever done or complete how do we feel accomplished and successful? We don't!

Perfectionism is really a fear of not being enough. That our value as a person is conditional on what we do.

Now do we want to go to the other extreme and not try? not care? No!

So what I propose to you today is that you set realistic goals, have realistic definitions of what success is and then strive for excellence. You strive to do your best.

Without a goal, there can be no real success - Thomas S. Monson

So your BEST is NOT perfection.

I also want you to see that even if you don't completely reach those goals, the fact that you are even striving for them is making you better. You are a better person just for making the decision to strive for excellence.

Each day is a day of decision - Russel M Nelson

So I want you to sit down with a pen and paper this week and write down YOUR reasonable definition for success areas of your life. Write down your definition of success in your home, with your children, and in your marriage. Make sure they are things that are attainable and within your control. Remember you can not control others, their actions, or their emotions. These definitions are about YOU.

So when you write those down, I want you to set that intention each morning and strive for them each day. After you've done them for a week or so, I want you to go to my website amandalouder.com and go this podcast page - this is Episode 15, and tell me in the comments what your definitions were, how you did through the week, and how you are feeling about it now. I can't wait to hear!

Episode 14 - 5 New Thoughts That Helped Me In My Marriage Jul 27, 2018

Show notes

In this podcast I share with you 5 new thoughts that I've personally been working on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really helped me in my marriage. I think they could help you to, or at least get your wheels turning about what new thoughts would help you!

Show Summary

So today I wanted to talk to you about 5 new thoughts that helped me in my marriage.

I've mentioned this before on this podcast, but my husband Kevin and I have been married for just over 6 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. And while marriage is never EASY, some marriages are definitely easier than others, and that is how I feel about my marriage to Kevin. We of course have our struggles, but I absolutely adore him. I am so in love with that man.

But even with how absolutely amazing he is and how I feel about him, sometimes I struggle with my own thoughts about myself and our marriage. So when I began getting coached by my own Life Coach, Jody Moore, that is one of the first things I wanted to work on. I wanted to show up as my best self in my marriage because I love him and I want this marriage not just be a good marriage, but to be exceptional.

So I wanted to share with you today 5 new thoughts that I've worked on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really changed me and helped me be even happier in my marriage.

He can be grumpy and I don't have to be

Now this one may sound funny, but its something I've really struggled with . We all have days when we are grumpy, irritated, stressed or don't feel well. But when Kevin would have those days, instead of me continuing to have a good day I would mirror his emotions and become grumpy too. I don't like being grumpy. I have enough grumpy days on my own, I didn't like that when he was grumpy it was making me grumpy. And then when we were both grumpy, it would kind of spiral. So this is one of the first things I wanted to work on. So I decided that if he was grumpy, I didn't need to be. And I often have to repeat that thought in my head…a lot.

So here is an example…. On my birthday a few months ago Kevin came home from work really not feeling well, which made him pretty grumpy. But it was my birthday and so I did NOT want to be grumpy too. So i just decided that I wasn't going to be. We took all the kids out to dinner and Kevin continued not feeling well and being kind of grumpy but I was totally happy and fine and had a great night out with the kids. In the past, I probably would have gotten upset that he was grumpy on my birthday and then I would have gotten grumpy and dinner with the kids would NOT have gone well, but I just decided I wasn't going to be and I was going to be happy because it was my birthday and I totally was and it was great.

My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love

I know..I know… whenever I talk to my clients or other people about this, they are like….yeah right! You don't have any other expectations of him? You don't expect him to go to work or take out the trash or help out around the kids or anything? And I'm like "NOPE" My ONLY expectation of him is that he is there for me to love. That's it. And the reason I decided to think that is because in the past I did have expectations of him. I did expect him to do certain things for me, for the kids, around the house, etc. But if he didn't meet those expectations, I was MISERABLE. I tied my feelings to HIM meeting my expectations. And when he didn't, I made it mean all sorts of crazy things about ME! But I decided to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and the only thing I wanted to feel for him was LOVE.

Now…that' doesn't mean that I don't sometimes make requests of him. I totally do. But if he doesn't do them, I don't make it mean anything about me. I also think as equal partners in marriage we can sit down and talk about what we want for our life together and for our family and kind of divide up responsibilities. But even then, if he doesn't do it, its not about ME! It's really about him. So I just love him. I love him with no expectations except that he will be there. That's it!

Now the next one kind of ties in to that

It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that's my job

Now we've talked a little bit in previous podcasts about how our feelings come from our thoughts. So if I want to feel validated, worthy, or loved, that comes from my OWN thoughts about myself. He can't MAKE me feel loved… that can only come from me.

For example… Say your husband brings you home a bouquet of flowers. Your THOUGHT could be "wow… he is so sweet, I love that he is trying to show me he cares" and if you think that thought then you feel love. But your husband could also bring home that same bouquet of flowers and your THOUGHT could be "why would he waste his money on stupid flowers. I wonder what he did wrong…." and that thought wouldn't produce feelings of love. It would produce feels of confusion, irritation, and suspicion. Do you see what I'm saying. How you feel is totally up to you… Now sometimes our spouses make it EASIER for us to think good thoughts about feeling loved, or validated, or worthy by their actions, but whether we do or not is completely up to us and our thoughts around it.

Kevin usually doesn't a pretty good job of helping make those thoughts easy for me. But I still have times when I struggle, but realizing those thoughts are my own and not from him is really empowering.

He is doing the best he can, even if that isn't very good sometimes

Listen, we are all human. Sometimes I don't show up as my best self. I really am doing the best I can in that moment, but sometimes my best isn't great. And its the same with Kevin. Sometimes his best isn't great. But choosing to think the thought that he is doing the best he can in that moment, really helps me feel better about things sometimes.

I hear so many times from my clients and friends things like "My husband comes home late from work and then he just sits and plays video games and does nothing to help me. If he LOVED me, he would come home on time and help me with the kids. I'm tired too!" Now do you realistically think that their husband said to himself "I'm going to come home late from work and I'm not going to help her and I'm just going to play video games because I don't love her." Absolutely NOT! But he's human and sometimes he needs some downtime too. So just realizing that he is doing his best, even if that isn't what you want or its not very good makes a big difference. I know it has with me.

He is exactly who he is supposed to be

This thought has really helped me because sometimes I wish Kevin was a little bit different with some things. Not much, he's pretty darn great, but there are a few things I wish he were better at. But then I remind myself that he is exactly who he is supposed to be. And that is pretty darn great. I'm sure there are things about me he wishes were a little bit different too. But that's ok too.

Ok, so lets go over those 5 thoughts again.

He can be grumpy and I don't have to be
My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love
It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that's my job
He is doing the best he can, even if that isn't very good sometimes
He is exactly who he is supposed to be

I hope you find those thoughts helpful in your marriage too. But if you want some help applying these to your marriage or finding other thoughts that would be helpful, make sure you go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session and I'd love to help you.

See ya next time!

Episode 13 - Patience Jul 20, 2018

Show notes

In this podcast I talk about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage.

Show Summary

So this year in our Stake (which if you are not LDS, a Stake is a geographical boundary comprised of several congregations) we are focusing on a different attribute of Christ each month, and this month that attribute is patience. So on Sunday, we had a couple of talks on patience and it really got me things about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage and in our families.

I was thinking back to when I was a young mom and I was really patient with my babies and my toddlers. I didn't get angry at them when they couldn't do something for themselves or they didn't do something right when I asked them or if they did it wrong because they were still learning. They didn't KNOW things yet. So it wouldn't have been ok for me to get upset at them or mad at them for things that they didn't know yet. So I was a lot more patient with them because they didn't KNOW it.

Now, as they have grown and have learned more, I've become LESS patient with them because when they don't do something, or don't do it right away, or if they do it wrong or they do something they are not supposed to my THOUGHTS are you SHOULD be doing this or you SHOULD know this or you SHOULD know better. And that is when I get upset. That is when I am not patient.

I want you to think back to when you first began your relationship with your spouse. You were probably a LOT more patient with them in the beginning than you are now because they didn't KNOW your expectations or all of your wants and likes and needs. But are you less patient with them now because you THINK they SHOULD know?

I also think we are a lot more patient with ourselves when we are learning. Let's think again about a toddler when they are trying to learn new things. Think about when your toddler was learning to dress themselves. They wanted to learn how to do up their own buttons, even if it took FOREVER. They had patience because they wanted to learn. But how many times are we impatient with ourselves or others because we think we should be able to learn it faster? Sometimes it just takes a lot time to learn things.

In one of the talks on Sunday she said, "we show patience when we let the Lord work in our lives instead of us trying to force it."

And I think that is so insightful. We aren't patient with ourselves or others when we are trying to force the issue instead of it working itself out in its own time. In Mosiah 3:19 it says "becometh as a child, patient." Just as a child is patient to learn how to do up all their buttons on their shirt, we too can be that way when we just let things be learned in their own time, as the Lord does with us.

In D&C 92:26 it says "Bear it patiently, your reward shall be doubled" - so when we are patient, the reward is even greater that if we had tried to force the issue ourselves. Think about how excited the toddler is when they did it all by themselves. But if you force the issue, and take over because you can do it better and faster, and they never learn, you miss that.

So I've mentioned before that I have a 16-year old daughter, Carly, who is bi-polar. Being her mother is so rewarding, but it definitely has its challenges. Over the years I have had to learn great patience. And really, its only been in the last couple of years that I've seen huge changes in myself with this. For years, I prayed for patience with her and I think the Lord just laughed because I really wasn't doing anything to make that happen. So he wasn't just going to give me patience. I had to work for it.

I used to wake up in the morning and pretty much gear up for a fight. Every single day was a struggle with her. But when I started my day with prayer, scripture study, and meditation, my mind was more more clear and when the fights came, I didn't escalate with her (which is what I had done in the past). I had really wanted the Lord to help HER change and what needed to happen was for me to change. For me to make changes to put my mind in a more peaceful place. I also needed to gain more understanding and compassion for what she was going through.

She would throw HUGE tantrums, long after she should have been throwing tantrums." and my thoughts were "You are too old to be doing this. You should KNOW better." Which caused ME to be impatient with her. But when my thoughts changed to "what are the thoughts in your head that are bringing out these emotions and how can I help" instead or "there must so much going on inside that you don't know how to control this" and began to really see that she DIDN'T know how to control it, I began to be much more compassionate and patient with her.

Now, let's think about this concept in relationship to your marriage. When you are IMPATIENT with your spouse it is because you THINK they should KNOW better and should DO better. Right? But what if they don't? What if they haven't learned that lesson yet? What if trying to FORCE the issue is making it worse? What if you were to drop all expectations of your spouse and the only reason they were there was for you to LOVE them? Now, I know, I know you are like WHAT???? Of course I have expectations of my spouse. But what if you didn't? What if you just LOVED them for them with no conditions or expectations? What would happen in your marriage? Now, having no expectations doesn't mean you can't make requests. It doesn't mean you can't sit down with your spouse and figure out who is going to take what responsibilities as equal partners in marriage. But what if it just meant that you wouldn't try and FORCE any of the issues? That you just acted out of LOVE all the time because you know that always gives you your best results? What if when they did or didn't do something that you don't like, you didn't make it mean things about you? Like - "if he loved me he would do this….or he would just know I need this" or "if he loved me he wouldn't do that" because I guarantee that most of the time they aren't purposely trying to hurt you. They are just oblivious and unknowing, even if they really should know.

When your toddler is acting out or doing something, you are acting out of LOVE when you try to help them. Why can't it be the same way with your spouse?

So that is patience! Patience is not trying to force issues, but just letting them work on in their own time. Patience is all about LOVE. And when we are acting out of Love we are always our best self.

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