Show notes
Betrayal is a serious stressor on any relationship. Some couples weather the storm and rebuild a better, more grounded partnership. They create a 2.0 version of their relationship that includes radical honesty, transparency and deep intimacy.
In this episode, Dr. Jenn and Michelle Mays—author, CSAT and leading expert on partner betrayal recovery—discuss the considerations for couples who are in later stages of recovery work and navigating intimacy.
Highlights from the episode: They discuss the Stages of Braving Hope, a term she coined which outlines infidelity discovery and recovery.
Devastation: fear anger, confusion, mistrust, ambivalence, stuck in activated state, chaotic, gaslighting by cheaterwith the partner acting as investigator. During this stage, the goal is simply to cope and to seek support.
Realization: scope and depth of betrayal are fully realized and partners are often debating whether to stay or go. They may notice a dip in their sexual self-esteem, and feel general overwhelm at the depth of the problem.
Stabilization: couples have more emotional space and less confusion. They have thoughts of their future, increased clarity, reduced conflict, better communication, strong boundaries and personal power. Both partners are articulating their needs and connected to reality.
They also discuss the importance of attachment and how that factors into rebuilding trust and allowing vulnerability. When attachment is strong, it fosters belonging, significance, fun, adventure, bonding, connection, feeling seen, heard, loved, known, validated and thus safe. When attachment is strained, partners feel unwanted, unknown,undesired, unloved, rejected, disconnected, ignored, excluded.
If you are wondering about your own attachment style and how it affects your intimacy, take my attachment quick here.
With solid recovery and consistent communication, couples are ready to rebuild their sex life. However, I often find that their sex life was never good (lack of communication and intimacy skills), so we are skill building from the ground up. We discuss the value of knowing your own pleasure profile so you can then guide your willing partner.
Michelle Mays, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She is the author of the new book The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst and she is the founder of the Relational Recovery Institute. Michelle has created the Attachment-Focused Partner Betrayal Model™ to address the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing.
This podcast is also useful for couples who haven’t experienced betrayal, but do feel disconnected and struggle with closeness and intimacy.
Reach Michelle Mays: https://michellemays.com
IG: michellemays_YT: MichelleMaysChannel
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