Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam

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Essential Guide for Parents of 18-Year-Olds: Preparing for the Transition to Adulthood Aug 19, 2024

Show notes

Turning 18 is a significant milestone that brings up a whirlwind of emotions for both parents and teens. Parents often struggle with how much to loosen their grip, while teens may have unrealistic expectations of complete independence. In this episode, I’m joined by Joanna Lilley, a renowned Therapeutic Consultant and Wellness Gap Consultant, who specializes in guiding young adults through this critical transition. Joanna shares valuable tips on how parents can prepare their teens for adulthood by teaching skills and responsibilities gradually, modeling the behavior they want to see, and creating opportunities for teens to practice independence. The episode also touches on the importance of letting go, trusting that your teen will figure things out, and how to approach the tough conversations about expectations. The key takeaway? Don't let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry—prepare ahead of time and have open, honest conversations with your teens. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to prepare your teen for adulthood by gradually teaching essential skills Why modeling behavior is critical for guiding your teen The importance of creating opportunities for teens to practice independence How to let go and trust that your teen will navigate challenges Why open conversations about expectations are essential for a smooth transition 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Gradually teach teens skills and responsibilities to prepare them for adulthood. Model the behavior you want to see in your teens. Create opportunities for teens to practice independence. Let go and trust that your teens will figure things out. Have open conversations with teens about expectations. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Success Is Subjective Podcast: Listen here EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 - Teens Turning 18: A Significant Shift 06:13 - Preparing Teens for Adulthood 09:19 - Teaching Skills and Responsibilities 14:56 - Letting Go and Focusing on Self-Care CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Joanna Lilley Website: www.lilleyconsulting.com LinkedIn: Joanna Lilley Facebook: Lilley Consulting LLC YouTube: Lilley Consulting on YouTube CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. CamHello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're tackling the significant shift when our kids turn 18. Teens are eager to embrace their independence. They're legal, right? But parents struggle with how much to loosen their grip, especially if they don't feel their teen is quite prepared yet to be an adult. So, it's a complex and challenging time to navigate. Joining us today is Joanna Lilley, a therapeutic consultant specializing in guiding young adults through this pivotal transition. Joanna is going to help us address our concerns about our teen's readiness for adult responsibilities and finding the right balance of support and freedom. Joanna, welcome to the show. Joanna Lilley (00:42.074)Thanks for having me. Joanna Lilley (00:50.202)Well, I’ll say this topic is pretty par for the course for me. What I enjoy about working with young adults is that they do have autonomy and agency, but there's still a significant level of dependence and skill building that's needed. I enjoy it because it’s the perfect storm of how do we collaborate in this transitional period of launching into adulthood? Dr. Cam (01:21.555)I love that, and I agree. It’s such a difficult thing to navigate for both teens and parents. It's funny, though, because when I work with a lot of kids—most of them are around 16 or 17—they envision that once they turn 18, they're completely independent. They think parents won’t have a say in what they do, and they’re free. Parents, on the other hand, think it's no different than when they were 16 or 17. As long as they’re under our roof, everything we say goes. When this time comes, those two very different views fuel a lot of conflict. So, let’s first talk about the teen's perspective. Why are they suddenly saying, “I’m free”—except for food, shelter, and all the things they still need from their parents? Joanna Lilley (02:18.778)I'm sure it has a lot to do with how they were parented and how involved their parents were in their lives. There needs to be balance. For young adults who feel like they were over-managed, they have this countdown until their 18th birthday, thinking, "Once I turn 18, I’m free!" But the reality is, as you said, they’re still very dependent on their parents. It’s a cognitive dissonance—their idea of independence versus the reality of needing support. Dr. Cam (03:06.547)Right. They see the freedom, but not the responsibility that comes with it. So, now let’s look at the parent's perspective. Why are parents often reluctant to let go when their kids turn 18? Is 18, other than being legally the age of adulthood, something parents should be concerned about? Joanna Lilley (03:36.794)There’s certainly a fear that once their child turns 18, parents will lose control or their advice will no longer matter. But the reality is, if they’re under your roof, if you’re providing food or paying for school, just because they’re 18 doesn’t mean you lose influence over what they’re involved with or how they’re cared for. As they launch into adulthood, there’s still a shift in parenting. Parents get very tunnel-visioned because they’ve been so involved in their child’s life. Then, when 18 hits, panic sets in. "Oh my gosh, I haven’t laid the foundation for everything they need before they turn 18." There’s a real fear that they don’t have the skills to survive in the real world. It also comes down to brain development—teens can make impulsive decisions. Parents worry about the choices their kids might make. It really depends on the parent-child dynamic, but most parents I work with are very involved, and when their child turns 18, they realize they may not have the skills to survive independently. Dr. Cam (05:33.459)Yeah, exactly. So, how do we start preparing our teens? Let’s be real—our number one job as parents is to prepare our kids to be independent, not to keep them dependent on us. I see some parents still wanting their kids to be dependent, or getting frustrated that their kids are still dependent when they’re old enough. How do we start preparing them to be independent but still want us, not need us? Joanna Lilley (06:12.954)I love the distinction between needing and wanting. We do want our kids to communicate with us, to call us and tell us what’s going on in their lives—not call us because they don’t know their social security number! There’s a lot of logistical information parents can start to infuse in their kids' lives. Things like scheduling doctor’s appointments, understanding insurance, medications, filling prescriptions, setting alarms, doing laundry. These are the basic skills they need to survive independently. We should start incorporating these into their high school years. If they’re not working, they can volunteer—teaching them consistency, routine, and responsibility. Just because they’re an adult doesn’t mean life is all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, adulting is often mundane and tedious. So, we need to take the shine off of adulthood and show them the real responsibilities that come with it. That way, when they turn 18, they won’t be let down by all the adult responsibilities that come with it. Dr. Cam (07:55.603)Right, and I can already hear some of my clients saying, “I would love to teach them these things, but they don’t listen. They don’t want to help around the house, and it’s just a constant battle.” How do we start teaching responsibility and these life skills if they’re resistant? Joanna Lilley (08:27.066)Such a great question. Well, first and foremost, keep listening to this podcast for tips on how to communicate better with your teen. There are also objective resources, like professionals, who can help—whether that’s putting a coach in front of your child or for you as a parent. It’s about learning the subtle differences in how to ask your teen to do things or how to invite them into these “boring” adulting tasks. We want to get them excited about it. If you communicate it as something that’s not just an obligation but a skill to help them become an adult, they might buy in more. And, honestly, there are professionals who can help you make those subtle adjustments in how you communicate. If your automatic response is that they’ll push back or refuse and it leads to an argument, then let’s shift that dynamic. The earlier you do this, the more prepared your teen will be by the time they turn 18. And as a parent, you’ll be in a better place with communication and your dynamic will feel more like a partnership. At that point, you’re not just parenting a child—you’re parenting an adult, and they’ll want to communicate with you, not because they need to, but because they want to. Dr. Cam (10:20.275):Yeah, I think that's so important, and getting there can be a struggle. One of the obstacles I see with a lot of parents is that we get very laser-focused on what our teen is not doing or what they're doing, and we think they just need to change. I keep reiterating to everyone: if your teen is not listening to you, if they're not respecting you, if they're resistant to anything you have to say, it's not your teen's fault. It's on you as the parent to change the dynamic. It's not about them needing to change, it's about you needing to change if you want to have the relationship you want with your teenager. That’s a difficult thing for people to accept.I’d love for you to speak to that a little, because I think one of the biggest obstacles we face as parents is thinking that if we change, it feels like they now have all the control, and we're changing for them, which doesn’t feel good either. Can you speak to that? Joanna Lilley (11:30.458):Yeah, I literally had a conversation about this just last week. Parents feel like they have no voice. There's a level of powerlessness that builds up over time, creating this dynamic where parents feel like they have no control over their 18-year-old. They're going to totally run the house.To answer your question, there are resources out there, like books or podcasts, that can help. But I think it's important to understand that having power as a parent doesn’t mean shifting to an authoritarian style of parenting. It's about knowing what’s in your control and what you can do for your child.It’s about inviting them to participate in the family system, rather than falling into the parent-child dynamic where the child feels picked on or targeted. Like you said, we often focus on the negative, and that creates a negative dynamic. Parents are frustrated, the teen is irritated, and everyone is just walking around angry.If parents can learn about power—where it comes from and how it can be a beautiful thing for a parent to maintain—it can invite consent for the child to show up and participate how they want to. Dr. Cam (13:20.243):Right, we can’t force things like respect, trust, or gratitude. Trying to force those things actually undermines what we're trying to do. Instead, if you see something lacking in your teen, rather than demanding it from them, increase how you demonstrate those qualities in your interactions with them and others when they’re around. That's how they’re learning.So, how do we model this as they turn 18? How do we ensure they have the skills to be decent and competent human beings? I think those are the two main things we worry about—are they going to be kind and competent? How do we model that in a way they’ll pick up on? Joanna Lilley (14:30.81):Well, it's not something that’s going to happen overnight. The earlier you can start leaning into this, the longer the runway you have to role model and for your child to observe and replicate.As far as being a decent human being, ideally, that apple falls close to the tree. If you’re a decent person, your child will likely follow suit. If you're angry all the time, that’s how your child will show up in the world.Parents need to focus on mindfulness, managing their anger, impatience, and how they respond to situations. The earlier you focus on that, the better. If your child can observe you handling emotions well, they'll learn self-awareness, which will help them bring joy and peace to the world rather than anger.In terms of independent skills, we need to teach those earlier. It’s about preparing them for the world. Dr. Cam (16:15.027):When our kids become more independent, we often struggle with letting go. It’s not just about our kids; it’s also about us wondering, “Did I do enough? Did I prepare them?” So how do parents start to let go, especially when they've been holding on really tightly? How do we shift into letting them go when we fear what might happen if they rely on themselves? Joanna Lilley (16:57.018):This is a hard one, but it’s something I share with all my parents. I tell them it’s not just about them turning 18—it’s about what happens if something happens to you. Can they step up and take care of themselves?It's a tough realization, but we need to set them up for independence. They might launch earlier or later, and that’s okay.I also want to point out that sometimes, even if you raise someone well, they might still make poor choices in your eyes. But those are their decisions, and you have to learn to accept that.To answer your question about letting go, parents who are very involved often feel like they’re running a full-time job—driving their kids, coordinating schedules. When the child leaves, there's suddenly free time, and parents wonder, “What do I do with all this time?”I actually encourage parents to start thinking about what interests them before their child turns 18. Find activities you’re passionate about so that when your child leaves, you already have something to focus on.Letting go is easier when you’re doing things that are fulfilling to you. You've spent 18-plus years caring for someone else, so now it’s your turn to focus on yourself and trust that you’ve prepared your child to take care of themselves once they're over the age of 18. Dr. Cam (20:16.179):Yeah, I think that's so important, and I love that. I tell parents the same thing: Get your own life. This is exciting for you! It's time for you to find new things, and your teens will thank you for it. They always do. They’ll thank you for not having all your attention on them because that’s way too much pressure, and they don’t want it. But I think when we’re letting our teens go, it’s important to realize that they’re going to make mistakes—sometimes really big ones. There’s nothing we can do to prevent that. And it's okay because we make big mistakes all the time, right? The goal is for them to be able to make mistakes and think, I want to go talk to mom and dad about that, rather than Oh my God, I need to hide this from mom and dad because they’re going to be so pissed off. Joanna Lilley (21:09.658):Yeah, I think the one thing I would add here is that it’s not just about parents going out and having fun for themselves. The lesson here is that your child will realize you’re not available 24/7 to help them. So, let’s say you're playing pickleball with friends and away from your phone for thre…

Full show notes at the publisher

The Balancing Act: Nurturing Teens While Letting Go with Esther Joy Goetz Jul 02, 2024

Show notes

Parenting teens is a tricky balancing act—nurturing your child while letting them go. Every parent hopes their teen grows into a confident, capable adult who makes good choices and chases their dreams. But there's always the fear of them making big mistakes or getting hurt along the way. Esther Joy Goetz, author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community, is here to help us navigate this challenge. Esther's insights will empower you to find that balance between nurturing and letting go, while focusing on long-term, healthy relationships with your teens. She’ll also share what inspired her to create the Moms of Bigs community—a lifeline for moms of teens and young adults who are facing similar struggles. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE• How to create a safe space that allows your teen to explore their individuality• Why healthy boundaries are key to building trust and respect• How to balance nurturing with letting go while maintaining a strong connection• Tips for connecting with your teen without expectations or pressure 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Creating a Safe Space – Give your teen the freedom to grow into themselves by providing a space where they can explore and make mistakes. Healthy Boundaries are Essential – Establish boundaries that allow both you and your teen to feel respected, loved, and valued without overstepping. Trust Without Expectations – Focus on connecting with your teen in an authentic way, free from strings or expectations, to build trust and open communication. Respect in the Parent-Teen Relationship – Modeling respect, being seen, heard, and valued are vital for a thriving parent-child dynamic. Long-Term Relationship Building – It's not just about today. Building a lasting, healthy relationship with your teen is key for their emotional growth and your connection as they become adults. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Esther’s eBook: Moms Never Stop Momming (Get 20% off when you sign up for her newsletter!) EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction and Inspiration for Moms of Bigs 05:34 Navigating the Balance Between Nurturing and Letting Go 09:03 The Fear of Letting Go and Loss of Control 13:06 Creating a Safe Space and Setting Healthy Boundaries 23:12 Being the Bad Guy and Building Trust 28:41 Key Takeaways and Action Steps CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Esther Joy Goetz Website: Moms of Bigs Instagram: @momsofbigs Facebook: @momsofbigs CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.297)Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. As parents, we hope our kids grow up confident and capable. We want them to make good choices and chase their dreams, but we’re also worried they’ll make big mistakes or even get hurt. That’s why I’m so excited to have Esther Joy Goetz here today. Esther is an author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community. She’s here to help us find that balance between nurturing our teens and letting them go. Esther, welcome to the show. Esther Joy Goetz (00:32.526)Thank you. I’m so excited to be here. And just when you said that, I thought, hmm, that’s the tricky tightrope of parenting teens. Dr. Cam (00:42.353)It really, really is. Let’s start with a quick backstory. What inspired you to launch Moms of Bigs? Esther Joy Goetz (00:52.942)Well, my daughter said to me, “Mom, you need to...” She’s so funny; she thinks that I have some wisdom. What really happened was, when she graduated high school, she said, “Mom, there are so many people out there that really don’t know how to do the mom gig well, especially moms of teens.” How can they know? I thought, well, I don’t know if I’m the answer to that, but I had two older friends who guided me along and continue to guide me. I realized there was nothing out there on social media for this stage—nothing. I couldn’t find a thing. I thought, “Why don’t I give out what I actually need?” A lot of times, our passion is born from what we needed. There’s plenty of advice on breastfeeding and how to handle toddlers, but once they hit the teen years, it’s sparse. Or it feels very formulaic—“Do these three things, and you’ll have a magic relationship with your teen.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I felt like my teens were some of my greatest teachers, and that’s the posture I wanted to take. Plus, all the mom emotions. You mentioned the big one—fear. No one was really talking about what to do with those emotions in the meantime. That’s really where I focused—on those motherhood emotions. Dr. Cam (03:03.665)I think that’s so important. I was finding the same thing. When parents are new, it feels comfortable to ask for advice. You go to a baby shower and people offer advice. But once you have teens, you feel like you should know, but it’s a whole new skill set. Plus, a whole new emotional package we don’t even know how to deal with. Fear and worry, I think, are two of the biggest ones. Is that what you’re seeing as well? Guilt—my goodness. Esther Joy Goetz (03:41.07)Guilt, fear, worry—and I think grief and sadness. Those are the three uncomfortable emotions. We have more comfortable ones too, like joy—watching them become their own people, having exciting conversations, and celebrating things like their sports achievements or academic success. But the uncomfortable emotions, like the letting-go process and anticipatory grief, come into play a lot. And I think with fear, it’s the loss of control. When they’re young, you think you can control them. But once they hit the teen years, the illusion of control disappears. You’re left with fear and worry. Dr. Cam (04:49.521)Yeah, I see this now with parents, especially with technology—GPS, tracking apps, all these things. Parents send their kids off to high school or college, but they’re still micromanaging, tracking everything. It’s all driven by fear and worry. How do we make sure our kids have the freedom they need? Because I think that’s where the biggest conflict comes from—parents holding on too tight. How do we navigate the balance between keeping them safe and giving them the freedom to experience life? Esther Joy Goetz (05:34.798)The good news is we don’t have to give blanket freedom immediately. We’ve been giving them little bits of freedom all along. When you experience that pushback, there needs to be a conversation with your child. Communication is key during the teenage years. They need to be part of the conversation, and they have a massive voice in their own life. My tagline is giving our kids the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves. And the safety aspect—it’s something we have to come to grips with. Can we keep them “safe”? What does that even mean? You can keep them physically safe, but they could still be emotionally crippled. If we focus only on physical safety, we emotionally stunt them. My kids have told me this: “You’re emotionally stunting me. I can’t even make a mistake or figure out what I like or don’t like.” There are different kinds of safety we’re talking about here. My job is to be a safe space for them. Dr. Cam (07:23.825)What does that mean? Esther Joy Goetz (07:26.158)My job as a mom is to create a safe space. That means I create a physically safe home—no abuse, no bullying, no judgment. There’s empathy. It’s a place of unconditional love, no strings attached. That’s the “roots of unconditional love.” If I’m a safe space, I’m creating a soft place for them to land. But there’s also that idea I love where it says, “Ships are not made to stay in the harbor. Ships are made to go out—sometimes into beautiful waters, sometimes into treacherous ones. But the design of the ship is to manage all of that. They’re not designed to stay safe in the harbor.” Dr. Cam (08:35.505)Right. They wouldn't have much of a life if their job is to make sure we feel that they're safe. If their job is to protect us from our fear and worry, that stunts them. I see that a lot without parents realizing it. The kids push back really hard, and parents see that as disrespect when, in truth, the parents aren't really respecting the kids' individuality. That's a tough one. Esther Joy Goetz (09:05.838)You said something key there: we are responsible for our own emotions. They are not responsible for ours. One of the interesting things that happened with my son, a senior, was that he didn’t want a curfew. I said to him, "Look, I'm afraid when you're out past midnight. I own that—you're not responsible for that, but I have to get up and go to work." Part of living here means this is going to be a conversation we have back and forth. It's about respecting me and the stage I’m in—I'm not there yet. I haven’t fully let go and allowed you to just run around the world. I want you to know the emotions I'm experiencing—you're not responsible for those, but I'm dealing with them myself, in fits and starts. For now, when you're in high school, we’d like you to come home by midnight. If there are any issues surrounding that, just communicate with us the same way I would if I wasn’t going to show up when I said I would. So we navigated my emotions and their freedom at the same time, but I never said, “You are responsible for me not being afraid." Dr. Cam (10:28.593)Yeah, and I don't think we even say it. I think we just assume it or do it. We make decisions and choices without realizing it, to protect our own fear, not thinking about the bigger picture and how that impacts our kids. Now, there are two extremes I see a lot. There are people who say, "Are we just supposed to let them do whatever they want?" Esther Joy Goetz (10:29.294)Never. Dr. Cam (10:55.825)And not guide them at all? Then I hear others say, “We’re being too soft on our kids, and that’s the problem with kids today.” I hear that all the time. So, when people say, “Do we just let them do whatever they want?” What do you have to say to that? Esther Joy Goetz (11:16.462)We had a conversation about boundaries, healthy boundaries in the house. There were things related to chores, finances, and respecting the fact that I have emotions, but respect goes both ways. I respect the pushback. The most fun experience I had was with my daughter, my oldest. She is super compliant—she came out wanting to please us. That’s just who she was. She didn’t do much of the pushback. She’s naturally empathetic—always asking, "How’s mommy feeling?" I remember her coming to me her senior year and saying, "Hey, our entire senior class is going to midnight movies, and I’m going to go, no matter what you say." I literally thought, “Come over here and high-five me right now!” I was so happy that she was doing the normal pushback. So, you’re going to have all kinds of kids. Some will push back on everything you say, and it’s exhausting. Others will naturally want to please you. Then there’s everything in between. These constant conversations about what they really need versus what you need are important. We’re all allowed to have needs in a home. No, letting them do whatever they want is not healthy. Healthy boundaries are where I can love you and myself simultaneously. You don’t just get to be a slob and leave dishes everywhere in the common area. But guess what? I’ll never come into your room. We have common space that everyone must respect. But your room, or section of the room—if you share with a sibling—is your responsibility. We had two boys who shared a room, and they had their own sections they couldn’t invade. It's not about all-or-nothing thinking. That’s devastating for parenting teens. Dr. Cam (13:29.809)Yeah, it definitely gets that pushback. Then there are people who say, “This is what's wrong with kids today. Parents are too open to listening to them, giving them a voice. We need to be parents and just tell them what it is.” I see a lot of pushback on social media, particularly from parents who believe that parents need to be more authoritative. They think that’s why kids are the way they are today. Esther Joy Goetz (13:59.022)And friends less, I hear that too. Again, it goes back to all-or-nothing thinking. It’s either this or that. I would say one of the most important attributes we need is wisdom. It’s not going to be all this or all that, and it’s not going to be the same for every kid. There has to be some of both. I always say the “both-and” is much more important than the “either-or.” We can have guidance and freedom. I can give unconditional love, with no strings attached, and I can also give them the wings of freedom. Freedom means no control. You can't have love and control. If you're trying to regulate your own fear, there’s a little voice inside saying, “Listen, you’re trying to regulate yourself by controlling them.” That’s different from, “Hey, this is a common space, and I’m not okay with this. I live here too, and the dishes can’t be left everywhere. I’m not cleaning up after you. You take care of your stuff, and I’ll never be on your back.” But I also have to take care of myself and my stuff. I don't just get to go into your room and throw my things around. I wouldn’t throw my stuff in your head either. Dr. Cam (15:38.513)I like that. Go a little deeper into what you mean by that. Esther Joy Goetz (15:43.79)Yeah. There’s a sacred space, and kids are going through something Carl Jung calls "individuation." They’re trying to become themselves. We’re there to be ourselves, too. We can share our individuated selves, our healed selves, our whole selves with them. This is the ideal, of course. That means we get to share our hopes, our dreams, and our interests. Maybe they’ll try on some of our hats and say, "Wow, I really like the Pittsburgh Steelers, because Dad shared his love for the Steelers." Or, "I like how Mom keeps everything organized. I want to do that in my room." But we don’t belong in their heads, telling them who to be, what to love, or who to love. That’s not ours to own. Their minds and hearts are theirs to figure out. It doesn’t mean I can’t try on some of their hats, too. They’ve taught me so much. I never knew I loved a certain band, and then they showed it to me, and I thought, “Wow, this is great!” But they didn’t force me to listen to it all day long in the car. It’s about permission to explore together. I just love that. Dr. Cam (17:18.097)Yeah, I think it’s so important. It’s very hard for parents to know where those boundaries are. I see a lot of overstepping into our teens’ boundaries, which is where the pushback, disrespect, and even dislike often come from. They feel violated when we try to change how they think and what they believe. It’s tough to separate what we’re doing to guide them as their parent—teaching them good manners, ethics, morals, and making good choices—and where it becomes overbearing, when we’re telling them what to do. How do we know when we’re stepping over that boundary? Esther Joy Goetz (18:10.03)Right, and we are. Yeah, the whole “should” word. I think we all have pushback against the word “should,” right? Our generation especially. We had that major pushback against the “shoulds.” It was like a stranglehold on us. We don’t want to raise our kids in a way where they have to heal from the “shoulds.” We want to provide an environment where the “shoulds” are off the tabl…

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Teen Hygiene SOS: Expert Skincare Tips for Teens from a Pediatric Dermatologist Jun 27, 2024

Show notes

Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager’s hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters’ complex beauty routines (seriously, are all those serums necessary?). That's why I’m thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today! Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys (so she gets it firsthand), and the co-founder of Stryke Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene, giving us the tools to support our teens’ skincare routines and foster healthy habits. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How teenagers' independence and busy schedules impact their hygiene habits The essentials of a simple yet effective skincare routine for both boys and girls Why parents should model skincare habits to help their teens adopt healthy habits The truth about overcomplicating teen skincare, and how to simplify routines • How to use pimple patches to promote healing and prevent acne picking 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Teenagers often resist hygiene routines due to their desire for independence and packed schedules, so finding a balance is key. Modeling good skincare habits and offering the right products is one of the most effective ways to help your teen maintain their hygiene. For boys, a basic skincare routine involving a gentle cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen is all they need to keep their skin healthy. For girls, it's important to avoid overcomplicating skincare—keep it simple with a gentle cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen. Pimple patches can help teens avoid picking at their acne, promote healing, and are a helpful addition to any skincare routine. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens Stryke Club: Skin Care for Teens Basic Skin Care Products for Teens: Gentle cleanser (fragrance-free, hypoallergenic) like Cetaphil Face Wash Facial Moisturizer (fragrance-free hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic) like Neutrogena Fragrance Free Daily Facial Moisturizer Sunscreen (SPF 30 or greater) Cleansing Wipes like Stryke Club’s Wipe Out Extra Products That Won’t Harm Sensitive Teen Skin: Hyaluronic Acid Serum like Cerave Hypochlorous Acid Spray like Tower 28 SOS Daily Rescue Facial Spray for Sensitive Skin Acne Skin Care Products: Adapalene Treatment like Differin Acne Treatment Gel Benzoyl Peroxide Acne Treatment Medication like Neutrogena Rapid Clear Stubborn Acne Spot Hypochlorite-based cleanser like CeraVe Hydrating Facial Cleanser Hydrochlorite patches like Mighty Patch™ EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction and Background 02:53 Teenage Hygiene and Self-Care 08:21 Gender Differences in Skincare 14:41 Simplifying Skincare for Boys 25:21 The Benefits of Pimple Patches 29:47 Destigmatizing Skincare for Teens CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness Website: Stryke Club Instagram: @strykclub Facebook: Stryke Club Twitter: @DrSheilaghMD CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.71)Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager's hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters' complex beauty routines. Like seriously, are all those serums necessary? That's why I'm thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today. Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys, so she understands the struggles firsthand, and the co-founder of Strike Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene. Dr. Maguiness, welcome to the show. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (00:48.077)Thank you for having me, Dr. Cam. We have a lot to talk about today. Dr. Cam (00:51.254)We do. So, I want to first get into the background. What inspired you to specialize in pediatric dermatology? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:01.853)I always knew that I wanted to work with children. I'm actually Canadian. I grew up in Toronto. When I was in medical school, I was fascinated with dermatology, pursued it, but knew kids were where it was at for me. I found a mentor in pediatric dermatology, which led me to San Francisco to do a fellowship at UCSF. Then, I met my partner, and now we're in Minneapolis, where I have a large academic practice at the University of Minnesota. But yes, the skin of kids, I mean, what could be better? Baby skin all day, but not to discount the teens, because I love my adolescent patients too. Dr. Cam (01:46.422)Talk about skin issues. That's when it all goes awry, isn't it? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:52.589)It is. All those surging hormones are changing everything, but the skin isn't quite fully mature yet. There’s lots to discuss, and it's a great conversation to have with your teen about hygiene and self-care to get those habits going early. Dr. Cam (02:10.678)I want to talk about this because you have two tween boys. You're in the thick of it. Why do they not like hygiene? I’m brushing with broad strokes here, but really, why? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (02:21.677)My goodness.Teens are busy. They’re figuring things out and really want to assert their independence. Something you probably see a lot. Up until the age of six or even seven, it’s the parents telling them to take a bath, and helping them do it. The parents have control over the bathing routine. But suddenly, in those tween years, your child might skip a day or two because they have practice or are busy. Then, you say, "You need to take a shower tonight." But then, your child disappears into the bathroom, and you wonder, are they really clean? What’s happening in there? We don’t know. And that’s the case for all tweens and teens. There’s just this general desire for independence. But something interesting is happening. If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ll know that there's a growing trend where girls and boys are doing different things when it comes to skincare, hygiene, and self-care. I think these are topics we can really dig into today. Dr. Cam (03:41.238)Yeah, I mean, teens... what I see, and again, I don’t want to stereotype, but I see this so frequently that I feel comfortable generalizing. Parents come in frustrated because they have to nag their sons to brush their teeth, wash their face, take a shower. They smell, and the only thing they do is spray body spray all over themselves, thinking that’s cleaning. So now we have sweat mixed with Axe body spray, and... then their skin starts to break out. I know there’s a push for independence, but there's also this battle between parents trying to help their kids stay clean and not smell ripe, and the kids just... Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:14.605)And then a rash will start for sure. Dr. Cam (04:35.51)It’s almost like they fight back about it. Can you help us understand that a little better and how we can encourage them to stay clean? Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:45.837)I don’t think you’re stereotyping at all. This is something not only parents are noticing, but I’ve noticed it too in my own clinical practice. When kids come in with skin problems, and often it’s acne, the girls tend to be more compliant with treatments than the boys. So let’s unpack that a little bit. What’s happening here? Well, let’s think about your own home and what’s being modeled. A lot of times, it’s the moms who have their own skincare routines—cleansers, moisturizers, makeup, grooming. There’s a lot of modeling that moms do regarding self-care, which kids, both boys and girls, pick up on. But the girls, in particular, see this and start to understand it’s a normal, accepted behavior to care for your skin and hygiene. On the other hand, boys see their moms engaging in these self-care practices, but they may not see the same from their dads. There's a gap in what’s modeled for girls versus boys. I think it’s a great opportunity for parents to step in and open a discussion about hygiene and self-care for boys. We need to give them the tools they need and show them what to do. There’s been some stigma surrounding boys and hygiene, like they’re just supposed to know how to take care of themselves. But if you step back, girls are seeing this modeled by their moms. Maybe moms and dads haven’t had that same conversation with their sons. That’s how I’ve been thinking about it in the last few years, as I’ve seen these trends emerging. Dr. Cam (07:09.046)It makes so much sense. I mean, even just thinking about TikTok, you know, there are tons of TikTok creators showing makeup and skincare routines for girls. But I’ve never seen a single one for boys. That’s just not out there. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (07:25.581)Not really. There are some trends coming out, especially around fragrance. You mentioned Axe body spray. There’s this “smell maxing” trend, where boys really want to smell good and buy fancy colognes. But it’s a bit different from what we’re talking about. I do think there’s interest. This is the selfie generation—the kids who grew up with social media, digital cameras everywhere, and phones in their pockets. So, on one hand, there’s all this content being created and consumed by girls. But the same doesn’t really exist for boys. They’re more interested than ever before, but there’s still something missing. If you're a mom of teens, just go to your local retailer—whether it's Walmart or Target. Walk down the aisle, and what you’ll see is a sea of products marketed and packaged to appeal to young girls. They’re pink, orange, fruity, with scrubs and multiple steps. But when you look for something for your son, there’s much less. You’ll find products in the clinical aisle—dermatologist-recommended, clinical, or medicinal. Or worse, it’s like the OxyPads we had in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We’re a little behind the times, right? So, that’s what we’re seeing in the retail world and on social media, and our kids are responding accordingly. Dr. Cam (09:18.422)Yeah, it’s just not as cool for guys, and it's really important for girls. Now, help us understand what the bare minimum is for keeping our sons from getting acne and not smelling awful. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (09:39.309)Yes, I love this because we need to address it for all teens. Parents often ask me, “What’s the basic, healthy skincare regimen for a tween or teen?” So, let's break that down. This is for everyone—boys, girls, and even me. Dr. Cam (09:56.214)Good, then we’ll talk about the overkill next. Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (10:00.941)We can definitely touch on that, but at the very least, a tween needs to start washing their face. Studies show that just washing your face, removing dirt and debris once or twice daily, will help with complexion, breakouts, and acne. It removes oil and improves skin clarity. A gentle cleanser is a great start—fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, something that doesn’t strip or over-dry. We’re not talking about products with beads, scrubs, or charcoal—those aren’t necessary. Just a gentle cleanser, 100%. Then, at nighttime, if needed, a moisturizer. If their skin’s a little dry after cleansing, a light moisturizer is great. Again, I prefer products that are gentle. There aren’t many products formulated specifically for teen skin, but most can use a fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic (non-acnegenic) moisturizer. And always use sunscreen. It’s never too young to start using it. In the morning, an SPF 30 or greater is a great addition to their routine. That’s it. Those three things—the basics—are really all any teen needs for a healthy skincare routine. Dr. Cam (12:12.182)I love that, and I think if we sit in there even a few times and do it with them and walk them through it—because they're not going to look at you and say, "I know what to do." They don’t. So I think it’s about walking through it, and if Dad can do it, that's great, right? Sheilagh Maguiness (12:22.157)No, I had a funny story. My son went upstairs, very proud of himself, and said, "Mom, I used all the things you said." But he left it on—didn’t wash it off. He’s seen me do this multiple times! So yes, if you model it and show them how to do it, they’ll be more successful in following through on the steps. It’s quite funny, especially with boys. If you don’t ask them, "Hey, did you just take a shower? Your hair doesn’t seem to have been washed," you might be surprised to find out they haven’t washed their hair or they’re using the shampoo head to toe, all over their face. That can be really irritating. You just don’t know what they’re doing. So ask the questions, make it fun, and talk about it in an encouraging, inquisitive way. It’s a nice opportunity to connect with your tween or teen, I think. Dr. Cam (13:27.062)Right, laughing at or shaming them or saying, "That’s so silly," is embarrassing to them because they’re learning. Sheilagh Maguiness (13:32.173)Exactly. It's really embarrassing for them. For boys, they may think that a skincare regimen is embarrassing. But we have to remove that. We need to do a better job, both in our homes and in society, of destigmatizing self-care and embracing it. Celebrating it. Because what's better than a 12-year-old who brushes their teeth, washes their face, and uses sunscreen? That’s amazing! You’re establishing habits that will serve them for the rest of their life. It’s an amazing thing. Dr. Cam (14:07.766)Yeah, and I think making it super easy and clear will help reduce some of that nagging. We nag because they go in there not even knowing what to do sometimes. They don’t want to do it, and if it’s too complicated, they won’t do it. Sheilagh Maguiness (14:24.941)Yes, keeping it basic at the beginning is key. You just need a daily shower or bath, a face cleanser, body cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen. That’s it. You're done. Dr. Cam (14:40.822)You’re done! So, let's talk about the other extreme. We’ve got the Sephora kids—the Sephora girls. I mean, I have a teen daughter, and she’s the one now teaching me what to use. My skincare routine is so much better now that I have a teenager telling me what I’m supposed to do, because she was right. She knows all the brands. Now, we’ve got girls—12 years old—with tons of serums, lotions, all this stuff. Sheilagh Maguiness (14:44.301)Ha ha. 100%. Dr. Cam (15:11.574)Do they need it? Is it okay or good for them to be using all that stuff? Sheilagh Maguiness (15:19.085)Well, yes, this trend of expensive, complicated, and cumbersome skincare has really been pushed on social media. Kids see celebrities posting complicated TikTok videos and they want to emulate them. That’s the trend. And as you mentioned, it’s the "Sephora baby" trend. Tweens are storming Sephora and Ulta Beauty, making their parents spend all this money on products that may or may not be good for their skin. Let's break it down. No tween or teen needs harsh acid exfoliants, retinol, tons of toners, or masks that could irritate their developing skin. Our skin barrier is fragile.…

Full show notes at the publisher

Resilient Teens: Helping Your Teen Overcome Adversity with Jesse LeBeau Jun 25, 2024

Show notes

Teen resilience is more important than ever. Between social anxieties, academic pressures, and the complexities of friendships, many teens struggle to navigate life’s challenges. That’s why I’m thrilled to welcome Jesse LeBeau, a nationally recognized youth motivational speaker and teen coach. With his powerful underdog story and proven methods, Jesse has inspired over a million teens to develop confidence, resilience, and a winning mindset. In this episode, he shares his game-changing approach—The Attitude Advantage—to help teens conquer adversity and thrive.

Key Takeaways

Building self-esteem and confidence is essential for teens to overcome challenges.
Setting boundaries and limiting screen time can reduce the negative effects of social media on mental health.
Parents should prepare their teens for real-world struggles by allowing them to experience failure and growth.
Finding a mentor can provide teens with valuable guidance and support.

Enjoying the Show?

Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫

Connect with Jesse LeBeau

Website: www.jesselebeau.com
Instagram: @jesselebeau
Facebook: Jesse LeBeau
YouTube: Jesse LeBeau Channel
LinkedIn: Jesse LeBeau

Connect with Dr. Cam

Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell

About the Show:

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.

#TeenResilience #ConfidenceMatters #OvercomingAdversity #TeenMotivation #ParentingTeens #TheAttitudeAdvantage #RaisingResilientTeens #TeenSuccess #JesseLeBeau #TeenEmpowerment #GrowthMindset #MentalStrength #LifeSkillsForTeens #BuildingConfidence #TheTeenTranslator #DrCamCaswell

Protecting Teens from Diet Culture: How to Foster Positive Body Image & Healthy Habits Jun 20, 2024

Show notes

Did you know that 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? The pressure to achieve unrealistic beauty standards is stronger than ever, thanks to social media and diet culture. As a parent, you want to protect your teen from these harmful influences—but how? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, certified eating disorders specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a non-profit dedicated to making eating disorder treatment accessible to all. Together, they uncover the dangers of diet culture, the role of social media, and how parents can support their teens in developing a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How diet culture and social media impact teens' body image and mental health Practical strategies to help your teen build a positive relationship with food The truth about emotional eating—and why it’s not always bad How parental support can make a powerful difference in preventing eating disorders 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Social media plays a huge role in shaping teens' body image, often fueling insecurities and unrealistic beauty standards. Teaching your teen to have a balanced, non-restrictive approach to food can help prevent disordered eating patterns. Emotional eating isn’t inherently harmful—understanding its role can help teens develop a healthier mindset around food. Open conversations about body image and self-worth can empower your teen to reject toxic diet culture. Your connection and support as a parent are critical in helping your teen build confidence and a healthy self-image. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Project HEAL FREE clinical assessments EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction to the Impact of Diet Culture and Social Media on Teens 02:33 The Scary Impact of Social Media on Teen Self-Esteem 06:12 Addressing the Prominence of Diet Culture and Thin Ideals 10:41 Navigating Unhealthy Relationships with Food and Body Image 29:11 Understanding Emotional Eating and Coping Mechanisms CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelli Rugless Website: https://www.drkellirugless.com Instagram: @drkellirugless LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kelli-rugless-psyd Project HEAL Website: https://www.theprojectheal.org CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell Newsletter: https://drcam.ck.page/newsletter FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.454)Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're diving into a critical issue—the constant pressure of diet culture and its impact on our teens. Did you know a whopping 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? Is the unrealistic expectation bombarding them on social media to blame? Joining me to shed light on this topic is the amazing Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, Certified Eating Disorder Specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a remarkable nonprofit fighting for everyone to have access to eating disorder healing. Dr. Rugless, welcome to the show. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:40.369)Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:41.958)Absolutely. So let's start at the beginning. What inspired you to specialize in eating disorders? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:48.049)Honestly, I was not inspired by anything. Truthfully, I went into graduate school thinking that eating disorders were the last thing I wanted to work with. I think they get a bad rap. My first introduction was a teacher talking about how people with eating disorders really don't get better, they're really difficult, and it's a really hard population to work with. I remember thinking, I don’t want to do that. So my first thought was absolutely not—I never want to do that. But then, as part of my training, I had different rotations, and eating disorders were one of them. I began to see how much more they are about than just food. Food is what grabs everyone’s attention, but eating disorders are about so much more. Once I realized the different aspects they could involve—the intersection of mental health, physical health, and even social justice—it just felt like the perfect fit for me and my interests. So I wasn’t initially inspired, but once I had the experience, I saw the depth of it. Dr. Cam (02:05.222)Right. And then all of a sudden, it just sounded way more interesting and complicated. And they can be helped, correct? Because that started off like—wait a second! Yeah, they can be helped. One of the scariest things about social media—one of many—is the impact it has on our self-esteem, how we view our bodies, and how teens are growing up viewing their own bodies. I've seen this personally. I know a lot of parents are worried about this. First of all, is this something to be concerned about? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (02:50.161)Yes, we should all be very much concerned about the impact social media is having—not only on teenagers and their confidence and body image but on their mental health in general. Every single research study out there looking at social media tells us the same thing: people feel worse the more they use it. And it doesn’t matter how they use it. You could try to curate a page focused on positivity and growth, but the issue is that social media is a highlight reel presented as real life. You're only seeing the best parts of people's lives—or even the most curated parts of the bad moments. It’s a well-edited, well-produced version of vulnerability or sadness. It looks real, but it’s not. This makes it easy to believe your life should look like everyone else's and that your body should look like theirs. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s also unrealistic. Dr. Cam (04:14.374)But here’s the thing, Kelli—social media isn’t going away, and our teens are not going to let go of it. It’s their entertainment, their social interaction, their connection to the world. So what do we do? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (04:30.193)The best thing we can do is model the type of relationship we want our children to have with social media. That means saying things like, I'm sure we're only getting half the story or I wonder what filters they used on that or We don’t see all of their life—just a small part. Keep reinforcing the idea that social media is entertainment, not reality. You wouldn’t look at a movie and think, That’s how my life should go. You’d understand there are editors, production, and scripts involved. The same thing applies to social media, but because it feels organic, we forget all the mechanisms at play. It’s also okay to set limits. Have house rules like no phones at dinner or no screens after a certain time when on vacation. These small boundaries help create a healthier relationship with social media. You’re not taking it away completely, but you are setting limits. Dr. Cam (06:12.39)That’s so important—for us as well. Because while we’re worried about our kids, I see the impact on parents, too. Parents start comparing their kids to others. Diet culture has always been a big deal, but now it's everywhere. Dangerous TikTok trends for losing weight are popping up constantly. How do we buffer against this diet-crazed, thin-is-best culture—especially when so many of us have already bought into it? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (07:11.985)That’s a great point. As parents, the way we influence our kids most is through how we talk about ourselves. You can tell your kids all day long that all bodies are beautiful, but if you’re looking in the mirror criticizing yourself, talking about needing to lose weight, or pointing out your flaws, that message will override everything else. Work on your own relationship with your body. Acknowledge that your body’s appearance is the least interesting thing about you. Your value is inherent—not tied to how you look. And your body does so much for you. Even if there’s something you don’t like about it, balance that with gratitude for what it can do. If you need to talk to someone to work through those things, it’s worth it. The impact on your kids, your family, and even your friends is huge. Dr. Cam (09:16.614)That was something I was committed to from day one with my daughter—never talking about my body in a negative way in front of her. It’s a struggle, but I didn’t want her to have the same struggles. Even with all of that, social media still bombards her with these messages. And sometimes, no matter how much we talk, what they see feels more real than what we say. So what else can we do? [10:49.233] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: One thing we can do is stay curious. Instead of saying, "That’s bad for you—don’t watch that," ask them, "How does this make you feel?" Rather than jumping in to fix it, validate their experience. If they say, "It just makes me feel terrible," resist the urge to say, "No, you’re beautiful!" Instead, say, "I get that. If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way." When they’re ready for reassurance, that’s when you say, "But you are so much more than your appearance. I love this about you, your friends love that about you." Let them lead. Be there to listen first, and the influence will follow. Our culture isn't right, but our goal is to talk to our kids and teenagers about the realities of accepting this really toxic culture that we live in, internalizing the messages, and what that can do—versus setting ourselves apart and actively trying to distance ourselves from the toxic aspects of our culture. Weight stigma is real. People being afraid of gaining weight makes sense, right? Given the culture we live in—where there's discrimination against folks of different sizes—you can't get your clothes at the same store as your friends if you get above a certain size. If they do make it, it doesn't fit the same, the quality's different. There are real consequences to being in a larger body that people naturally want to avoid. It makes sense why they want to avoid that. However, it doesn't make weight stigma okay, right? So what we're talking about is two types of discomfort. You can either be uncomfortable in the sense that you've internalized these toxic beliefs about weight and are forever on a hamster wheel trying to keep up with everyone, which is uncomfortable and really hard. Or you can be uncomfortable in the sense that you're separating yourself from the culture, which means you don't quite fit in. You're not talking about the same things, you're not getting on every new diet, you're not limiting the clothing you wear or saying, "I can only wear a one-piece because my body is this size." You're fully living the life you want to live in the body that you're in. And you might be on the outside of things, or you might get some dirty looks, or you might hear people saying rude things. No matter how you look at it, there's discomfort. It's going to be hard. The key is to pick your hard. Which type of challenge do you want to take on? Which one is in alignment with your values and the kind of person you want to be as an adult? And that is the hard piece. It's a mature topic. It's a big, heavy decision. A lot of times, when I'm working with teenagers, one of the things they’ll mention to me is, "Why do I have to deal with this? All my other friends aren't talking about this. They're not thinking about this. Why am I thinking about it?" And I kind of commiserate with them and say, "I know. You're having to do some really heavy work really early. It will serve you. As you get older, you’ll be light years ahead of some folks. By the time you get to your 20s or 30s, you will have done this and figured out who you are outside of your appearance, and you'll be grateful. But right now, it is hard because the rest of your friends aren't dealing with this heaviness." [19:41.126] Dr. Cam: Yeah. So what if they go into a really restrictive diet or develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise because they’ve picked the "I don’t want to be different. I want to be thin and be like everyone I see in the world" route? Which, again, is not true. But what if they go that route and you're like, "I'm getting really scared about their health and their mindset about themselves because now they're obsessed with their weight"? I see kids that never feel good enough. I'll ask them, "What weight are you trying to get to?" or "How thin do you need to be?" and they don’t even have a goal. They just say, "Till I feel confident." And that’s dangerous because they won’t. So how do we handle that if we see our kids going down that path? [20:29.137] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: That is the time to absolutely say something and do something—act quickly. Sometimes it can be tempting to let them grow out of it, to let them figure it out, or to avoid arguing with them. "I don’t want to create conflict, so I’m just going to let it be. I’m seeing some things I don’t like, and I’m just going to hope that things right themselves." With eating disorders, they thrive in isolation. The longer you let it go without saying something, the stronger it becomes and the harder it is to address. When you see something, say something. Be loving, be kind, be warm, but be really clear about your concerns and act. Call a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Look up an eating disorder treatment center in your area to get an assessment. Act quickly and get professionals involved. Eating disorders require a team—many people working from different directions to help someone recover. The quicker you notice it and get help, the easier it is to address. Talk about it, ask questions, express your love and care, but be really firm about your desire to help them and your confidence that what you’re seeing is not okay. [22:20.902] Dr. Cam: Now, I’ve had parents who—understandably, no judgment—force their kids to eat. They set consequences if they don’t eat, put a certain amount of food on their plate, or bribe them to eat. Is that a helpful method? [22:39.185] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: It depends on where your child is, but it can be helpful. I’d say it’s most helpful under the guidance of a provider. If, as a parent, you're going to take on that role, make sure your teenager has a therapist to help them process how hard it is to be forced to eat when they’re really afraid of food or gaining weight. But the act of feeding your child and making food non-negotiable is a very important part of treatment and recovery. A malnourished brain cannot get better. It can’t do the work of figuring out the underlying causes of the eating disorder if it is not well-nourished. Feeding your child and making it a priority is huge, but you also want to make sure they have the support they need. Food is not just food anymore—it’s really hard. The level of anxiety that those with eating disorders feel when forced to eat is through the roof. They need support, skills, and sometimes even medication. So make sure you provide as much support as you can through the re-feeding process. Dr. Cam (29:27.75)Well, it's not as good as Doritos either, let's be real. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (29:39.697)These black-and-white ideas about food—so that we…

Full show notes at the publisher

Could Your Teen Be at Risk of a Religious Cult? Red Flags & How to Protect Them—Insights from a Cult Survivorr Jun 18, 2024

Show notes

In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Sarah Bruno-Patrey to discuss the far-reaching effects of religious trauma on teens and how parents can help them navigate these challenges. Sarah shares her personal story of growing up within a religious youth program and the healing journey she experienced. If your teen is grappling with religious trauma or a crisis of faith, this episode will provide you with the tools to better understand and support them through these tough times. It’s a must-listen for parents looking to create an open, supportive environment for their teens, especially when faith and identity are involved. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How religious trauma impacts teens and how it can lead to feelings of isolation and shame Practical ways to help your teen through a crisis of faith How to recognize unhealthy religious experiences and protect your teen’s mental health The importance of open communication, mentorship, and empowering your teen to make their own decisions about faith 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Religious trauma can leave teens feeling emotionally isolated, and it’s crucial to recognize the signs early to offer support. Open communication is essential for helping your teen heal from religious trauma—letting them express their feelings is key. Supporting your teen through a crisis of faith is about being present, not imposing beliefs, and offering a safe space. Parents should focus on being mentors, helping teens navigate spiritual and emotional challenges without pressure. Offering your teen options and autonomy during this process can help them find their own path to healing and self-discovery. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 EPISODE CHAPTERS00:00 – The Impact of Religious Trauma on Teens03:34 – Recognizing Unhealthy Experiences in Religious Programs CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Sarah Bruno-Patrey TikTok: @sarahbrunopatrey CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam As parents, we want nothing more than our teens to find their path in life. For many, religion offers a sense of belonging and purpose. But what happens when it leaves our teens feeling isolated, ashamed, or questioning everything they believe? Today, I'm joined by Sarah Bruno -Patri to talk about the impact of religious trauma on teens and what parents can do to support them. But before we dive in, I want to share that Sarah and I have known each other for years, and actually through church but I only recently heard about her experiences with this particular religious program, actually through TikTok, and talked to her and asked her if she would jump on, because I feel like it's really important for us parents to be aware of what's going on. So Sarah, welcome to the show. Thank you. So let's talk about, first of all, what was your experience because you did this as a teenager. So what was kind of the experience or the motive to go into this particular program and what was that program? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (00:59.19) Yeah, so I grew up obviously in the church and it was an amazing, beautiful experience. And I knew after I graduated high school that college was not like in the cards for me, at least immediately. And so my parents and I decided that I could take a gap year and they would foot the bill and I can just go find a program and go do that as long as I had a plan. And so I had been exposed to this organization called Youth with a Mission (https://ywam.org/> when I was actually in high school, I went with a couple of classmates to Kona, Hawaii, two summers in a row. And so I kind of had a sense of what this organization was. I knew that it wasn't exactly how I had grown up in the church. It was a little bit different with its theology and things like that. And I was like, it's okay, I'll put those things aside. And I decided to go to Australia. So I went to literally the farthest place that I could go from Washington DC. If you drilled a hole through the earth, it would come out in Perth, Australia, or at least around there. And I just wanted to get out of our town. And so that's where I went. And I was there for six months. I spent three months of it in Perth, Australia and three months of it in Asia. Dr. Cam (02:16.742) At that time, and I know through the teen years, I know church paid a big and religion played a big part in your life. What kind of role was that playing for you or what kind of place was that filling for you? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (02:31.094) It was just like the big sense of community for me. I feel like going through school, like I had different friend groups, but then once I really found my community in my church and like other youth ministry organizations, it was like, these are my people. I had the support that I needed as a teenager and I had like the adults around me that I needed as a teenager because teenagers need a lot of adults. And so that was just like, I spent all my time with my religious community. And it was a great thing up until that point. It was like an amazing part of my life. So. Dr. Cam (03:06.278) That's what's really clear about this. We're not saying like religious groups are bad, you know, and we did. I mean, I was one of your youth leaders and it was an amazing experience. And we were able to really just connect and talk to kids on a lot deeper level. So then it went to this next phase. And I think one of the things the question is, how do we know when it is a healthy experience and when it becomes a toxic experience? Tell us a little bit about your experience there and when did you actually realize it might not be the healthiest experience for you. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (03:43.062) Yeah, so like I said before, I kind of knew what I was getting into wasn't exactly like how I had been raised in the church. I knew that things would be a little bit different. But like for some reference of it, it's a six month initially to like join this organization. You have to do a six month program. The first three months that I was in Australia was the discipleship training school part of it. So it was like the lecture phase is what they called it. And so that was you're in a classroom all week. And then you did the outreach, which was like the mission part. And it was pretty early on into it that I realized that this isn't, not only did I not like align with this in its theology, the things that I could kind of put aside, but just in like most aspects, it just wasn't a healthy organization. It was pretty like off the bat, a lot of comments about my faith and my spirituality growing up where I grew up that I didn't like see eye to eye was a lot bigger of a deal. And every week we had a topic and every Friday they called it like application Friday. So the first week was prayer. So we learned about prayer and then Friday we did something involving prayer like evangelism for example, we did Monday through Thursday we learned about evangelism on Friday we went out and evangelized. I think the big thing that sent sirens off in my head was the third week we did forgiveness and repentance. Where, you know, Monday through Thursday, we learned about sin and repentance and things that are biblical and good, like, you know, repenting from your sins, turning the other direction, walking away from it completely, things that are pretty standard. But then on Friday, when we had our application, we had to write a list of our sins down. Dr. Cam (05:08.774) Red flags, yes. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (05:38.134) Things that spanned from yoga, which I don't believe is a sin. I have never believed it was a sin. I remember like going on the phone with my pastor from home. I was like, is yoga really a sin? And he's like, no, that's a little ridiculous. Playing Dungeons and Dragons, things like that. Yeah, all the way to like sexual sin, things like that. We had to write a list and then on Friday morning, we started in the morning, we had to sit next to a speaker. Dr. Cam (05:41.446) Yoga! My goodness. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (06:05.11) We didn't really know in a classroom full of people that we've only known for a few weeks. And we actually combined with another classroom, so complete strangers at that point. And we had to sit up there, read our lists of sins, and then repent for it, ask for forgiveness from God. Again, things that are all biblical, if they're done correctly. So, you know, confessing to a friend, somebody you trust would be a very, like, good practice. But this was kind of distorted and sitting up there telling it to a group of people you didn't know, you didn't have like that relational currency with. Having to forgive for just crazy things and it lasted for 14 hours. We didn't, yeah, we didn't have, we missed our meals, everything. So that was when I was like, I'm not gonna just like sit here and do everything that they tell me to do. I am going to question some things and yeah, big red flags. they didn't like that. I didn't even want to participate in that particular activity. And I was kind of like getting the death stare from the leader at the time. He was standing right next to the door so he couldn't even like walk out. It's just a lot of very strategic things like that to kind of wear you down until you actually get up there and do it. And. Dr. Cam (07:06.918) How did that go over when you started to question things? No? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (07:30.454) the entire program I was questioning things and I was saying things that I believed about like even just topics like women in ministry, things like that. And it was always not reprimanded, like I would get in trouble, but it was definitely like, you need to just stop, like keep your mouth shut. Like this isn't your place, which I like to question things. So that is the question that I get a lot. And I think it's hard for people who look in from an outside perspective to understand why somebody would stay. But first of all, I was a teenager. I had built this up in my head of like, this is my gap year. I'm in Australia. I have this new sense of independence I didn't have at home. Not that my parents were strict looking back on it. Of course, I thought that they were the most strict people in the entire world. My parents had spent all this money, like I think like 10 grand for me to be there. I knew I could go home if I wanted to. My parents had the financial ability to get me home. I knew that, like that was just an option, but it also wasn't. They kind of made it seem like, well, everybody at home has moved on. You don't have a community at home anyways. I had friends there that couldn't get home financially for whatever reasons. I felt like I would be leaving them in the dust if I left. I also have a big sense of pride of like, I don't want to admit that this didn't go the way that I was expecting it to, the way that I had convinced my parents it would go. I think that's a hard lesson for any teenager to learn is to just swallow your pride if it means to keep yourself safe and, you know, but didn't do that. So, mm -hmm. Dr. Cam (09:12.902) You stayed and then did it ever, did you ever kind of change your idea about it or kind of warm up to what that experience was? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (09:24.182) Yes, it's like, it's a really weird, like, experience being there because it does become your entire world. And I knew that I wasn't seeing eye to eye with this organization as a whole. It had its issues, but these were like my friends now, my people. And I just kind of at some point was like, this is it. Like this is, I don't want to go to college still. Everybody at home. They've been telling that everybody at home has moved on they don't there will be nobody at home for me and we did have fun like there were some really fun parts and so it was just a lot of like you have tunnel vision while you're there and you're being love -bombed but also like Not you're also being worn down Dr. Cam (10:14.054) Sounds like a little bit of gaslighting too maybe. Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:17.174) There's a lot of gaslighting, yeah. I would definitely agree with that. Dr. Cam (10:21.702) When you're talking to your parents about it, how are you selling what's going on down there? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:28.758) So my parents and I had kind of like a complicated relationship before I had left. We didn't have like a huge like, we weren't super close in the way that I could be like, my gosh, like this is how I'm feeling. It was mostly like, this is what we're doing. And like, here's my friend that I've made. Like we're having fun. And then I think once I went on outreach was where I realized that my parents weren't the enemy. And like I did need them more than I thought I did, because I had some pretty bad experiences while I was not only in Australia, which is like America just far away, but I was in rural parts of Nepal and Indonesia. And like there were instances where I was like, I really wish I had my mom right now. And we didn't have Wi -Fi. We didn't have, I went like weeks without being able to talk to them. And so we just didn't have a huge like open line of communication. Even when I was in Australia, it was a 13 hour time difference. So communicating was tough as it was, but. Dr. Cam (11:31.078) So they had you isolated in there. And so you, when you, so then you came, you did come home after six months. And how was that transition? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (11:39.03) Mm -hmm. It was really hard. They don't prepare you to come home. And I think that that is a little strategic. It was interesting seeing that, like, yeah, my friends, obviously their life doesn't stop while they're back at home. You know, a lot of them are still in high school. And then just coming in, being like the outsider all of a sudden, it kind of like reinforced, I need to go back. I need to go where people are familiar. And so there was no preparation on either end. I don't think my parents knew that they would have to prepare me. I think it was just like, you're home, like going to college or something. Yeah, exactly. So it was tough. And then my community just in general kind of fell apart. And then that's when like I had a mentor be like, you should really just give college a shot, just go. And that was nice because Dr. Cam (12:19.462) What's the difference? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:37.814) everybody's starting over in college. Nobody has that sense of community that I thought I was going to have when I came home or that was back in Australia. Dr. Cam (12:46.726) Were you able to share with that mentor what had been going on? I know you said you really weren't comfortable sharing with your parents at that time, but were you able to share with your mentor? Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:55.35) So I had been in communication with him and his wife, probably more than my parents at that point while I was over there. So they were kind of clued in on a lot of stuff that was happening already. And they were very skeptical of the organization already because they had family members that were in it before. And so they kind of knew, and I think they were able to kind of redirect me a little bit better than my parents did b…

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How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Teens: Calm & Effective Parenting Strategies Jun 13, 2024

Show notes

Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles? In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to establish clear expectations for your teen without causing power struggles Why understanding the root causes of behavior is essential for effective parenting Practical tips for setting boundaries that promote cooperation, not conflict The Behavior Needs Roadmap: A solution-focused approach to meeting your teen’s needs and teaching life skills 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Parenting is a skill set that can be learned and developed over time—it's never too late to improve your relationship with your teen. Understanding the root causes of your teen’s behavior helps you address the issue, rather than just punishing the symptoms. Setting boundaries with your teen in advance and involving them in the process leads to mutual respect and cooperation. Teens crave authentic connection and trust with their parents. Show a genuine interest in their lives, and you’ll strengthen your bond. Prevent power struggles by creating a respectful relationship where boundaries are clear and communication is consistent. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE FREE Guide: Connect in Just 10 Minutes a Day FREE Guide: How to Stop Yelling EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 - Parenting as a Skill Set03:15 - Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior07:39 - Setting Boundaries with Mutual Respect10:46 - The Behavior Needs Roadmap14:21 - Navigating Challenges: Phone Usage27:20 - Engaging with Teens in Their Interests31:37 - Building Trust and Connection through Small Conversations34:07 - Preventing Power Struggles through Trust and Boundaries37:40 - It’s Never Too Late to Make Change CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: TIA SLIGHTHAM Website: www.tiaslightham.com Instagram: @tiaparentingcoach TikTok: @parentingcoach YouTube: Tia Slightham - Parenting Solutions CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: DR. CAM CASWELL Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face. She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show. Tia Slightham (00:41.153) Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it. Dr. Cam (00:44.022) Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach? Tia Slightham (00:48.545) Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada. I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day. Dr. Cam (02:53.462) It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop. Tia Slightham (03:15.777) Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical. Dr. Cam (03:44.15) Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly. How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it. Tia Slightham (04:26.145) I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change. Dr. Cam (04:36.534) Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even. Tia Slightham (04:47.905) Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one. Dr. Cam (06:07.094) People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment. Tia Slightham (06:23.137) Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap. Dr. Cam (06:28.342) This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them? Tia Slightham (07:10.881) So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different. But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change. Dr. Cam (07:54.23) I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah. Tia Slightham (07:58.753) Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance. So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying. When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not. Dr. Cam (10:50.582) There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night? Tia Slightham (11:32.065) So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over c…

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How to Diffuse Teen Meltdowns: Expert Secrets from a Hostage Negotiator Jun 11, 2024

Show notes

Is your teen's emotional meltdown leaving you feeling overwhelmed and powerless? You're not alone—73% of parents face this challenge. But what if you could learn how to de-escalate these situations and strengthen your bond with your teen?

In this episode, I’m joined by Karleen Savage, a former hostage negotiator and conflict resolution expert. Karleen now helps parents like you master the art of diffusing teen meltdowns and creating calm, cooperative interactions.

She shares proven strategies to navigate your teen's intense emotions with confidence, build trust, and create a positive environment that helps your teen thrive.

4 KEY TAKEWAYS FOR PARENTS:

Learn how to de-escalate conflicts by understanding your teen's perspective and avoiding assumptions.
Use open-ended questions and active listening to connect with your teen’s needs and emotions.
Build a stronger relationship with your teen by showing empathy, owning up to mistakes, and fostering trust.
Discover how parents can handle challenging moments with confidence, creating a respectful and supportive relationship.

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ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.

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How to Relieve Mom Guilt and Find Peace in Motherhood: Essential Tips for Busy Moms Jun 06, 2024

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In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to overcome mom guilt and unrealistic expectations Why self-care and self-love are crucial for moms raising teens Practical tips for finding moments of quiet and decompressing as a busy mom How to let go of excessive worrying and trust your teen’s abilities 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Moms often feel alone and not good enough, but remember, you're not alone—many other moms are navigating the same struggles. Guilt in motherhood stems from societal expectations of perfection, but it’s time to let go of comparing yourself to others. Prioritize self-care and self-love to feel fulfilled and be a positive role model for your children. Simple self-care activities, like deep breathing or taking a walk, can help you decompress and recharge. Let go of excessive worrying about your teen’s choices and trust in their ability to grow and learn independently. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Hang in There, Mama 6-WEEK GRATITUDE JOURNAL for MOMS RAISING TWEENS, TEENS, and YOUNG ADULTS! EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 - Finding Peace and Joy in Motherhood04:34 - Overcoming Mom Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations08:15 - The Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love12:26 - Practical Tips for Prioritizing Self-Care26:29 - Letting Go of Excessive Worrying CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn Website: Hang in There Mama Instagram: @hang.in.there.mama Facebook: @hangintheremama CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00):Hey parents, ever feel completely drained like there's nothing left in the tank for you or your kids, but the idea of me time triggers guilt? You're not alone. A whopping 80 % of moms wrestle with this, but what if we could ditch the guilt and find peace and joy in motherhood? That's exactly what we're tackling today. I'm joined by Ali Flynn, the mastermind behind Hang In There Mama. Ali understands the unique challenges of raising teens. We're going to get into real actionable tips to help you ditch the guilt and carve out moments to recharge even with your crazy schedule. Because guess what? A happy, healthy you means a happier, healthier family. Allie, welcome to the show. Ali Flynn (00:41.198):Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be on with you. Dr. Cam (00:44.017):First I want to hear what inspired you to launch Hang in there, Mama. Ali Flynn (00:51.15):Honestly, it really came down to I wanted to share with people all of the encouragement and inspiration that I really wanted to hear myself, that I wasn't hearing all the time. I felt really alone at times in my motherhood journey. I felt really lost. I felt not good enough. I didn't sometimes know what I was doing, but I felt like we're in this perfection mode of being a mom and how do I actually offer that honesty up to people. And I just wanted moms to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone in this. We are all sort of struggling along this journey at times. And you know, you don't have to feel lost within it. Dr. Cam (01:35.665):Yeah, I think it's so important and I love that you're putting out there that support because you're absolutely right. And I think especially when our kids get into the teen years, we feel the most isolated because I think there's this belief that we should have it figured out by now. So we're afraid to ask for help, but raising teens is not raising kids. It's a whole new skill set.And so asking for help, I think realizing other people are struggling with it gives us permission to ask for help. Are you finding that? Ali Flynn (02:10.286):Exactly, exactly. And I feel like you're spot on with that in the sense of a lot of moms when they enter the teen years with their kids, they completely hibernate, they retreat, they stop sharing, they stop talking. Oftentimes, you know, it's that tween years of entering the middle school time where you're not at the elementary school anymore, you're not at the bus stop, you're not at the birthday parties. So you lose some of the engagement unless you have sort of created a sort of a basis of friends and a network that you can rely on. But then if you don't have that, you sort of feel alone, but you also don't feel comfortable sharing everything and being honest. And then you have sort of part two, which is as our teens grow up you want to give them their privacy, right? When they're little and they're not reaching milestones, you can sort of share that information. But now you have teenagers and what are parents going to maybe share with their teen and then it gets throughout the school. And so it just becomes this vicious cycle at times. So sort of knowing that other people are going through it and really believing that allows you to be more transparent and get the support you need. Dr. Cam (03:13.649):Absolutely. It’s a fine line because you do want whatever your team tells you and whatever's going with your team to be confidential between you and your team, but how do you get help that way? So how do you find a safe network of people that you can trust with that information that can give you that insight back that's not going to feel like you're betraying your teenager? Like it is, it's this whole complicated thing.What's interesting when you're describing what moms do, particularly, and we're particularly talking about moms, because I think we burden a lot of the guilt, which I'm still confused why we get more guilt, but I think that's just mom, women in general, like to take on guilt. But it's interesting the way you were describing what moms do is exactly how we describe what our teens are doing, where we're like hibernating and we're hiding, and it's that same sense of just protection. So. Ali Flynn (04:17.74):Exactly. Dr. Cam (04:18.673):Now we're going and saying, hey, you're not alone. That doesn't relieve our guilt and it doesn't make our lives less crazy so that we can take care of ourselves. So let's talk about first the guilt. Where does this guilt come from? Ali Flynn (04:34.926):I truly believe it comes from everything that we are being fed through society. We as moms are being fed that we have to be perfect. We have to have everything aligned. We have to know at all moments, every single day, 365 days a year, what we are doing and know with complete trust that we are doing the right thing.And it's just unrealistic. It's an unrealistic expectation on women, on mothers. It's an unrealistic expectation for our children to think that we're perfect. So I think it becomes this trap of we are fed this through what we read, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. So how do you get out of it?Right. And then you go down that path and that rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other moms, comparing yourself to what you see on social media as you're scrolling. And it just, it's such an unhealthy concept that we have to get out of. And I think the only way to get out of it is by really being open and honest with each other as moms and, you know, letting go of some of that protective barrier and saying like, this is what I'm going through or am I the only one? And see sort of what happens and sort of create that village for yourself of moms who are willing to be transparent. Dr. Cam (06:02.225):I think a lot of parents think that what they're going through is completely unique. And yet I'm sure you hear this too, but in what I do, I hear the same concerns and complaints and worries over and over and over again. And so because they are common struggles that we have at this stage because of the stage and because of just what you said is this view of what that's supposed to look like. And I think, I always talk about we're concerned about the impact of comparison and social media on our kids. And I keep seeing that. I think it has more negative impact on us as parents on our expectations down to our kids. Because I have parents all the time tell me, well, everyone else has a, no, they don't. They do not have it figured out. But then we put down those expectations and expect our kids to be a certain way which then changes how we parent because we don't have the ability to be as compassionate because we're more fearful. Do you see that as well? Ali Flynn (07:04.558):Right. You know, and I see we're comparing ourselves in so many ways, just like our teens are doing, right? So moms are comparing what we look like to how we're behaving, to what vacations are we going on? How are we incorporating fun into our kids' worlds, right? But we're forgetting that this is just a presence. This is not reality. This is what people put out there isn't truth all the time, right? So why are we sucking down that trap that we don't want our kids to go down, right? So it's sort of like we need to get our self together and recognize this so we can model it for our own kids. Dr. Cam (07:39.409):I think the other thing that we juggle is this, you know, this good enough mom, which I think there's this falsehood that that just means we kind of just give up in a way. Like we're just going to, this is what it is and we're just going to deal with it versus this, we're not going to be perfect, but we can still grow and learn and be better. How do we separate the growth from the guilt? Ali Flynn (08:15.822):Well, I always talk to moms about how we are on this journey evolving over and over and over again. We are not the same mom that we were when our child was born, when they were infants, toddlers, teens, or even young adults, right? And older adults. We have to change with them. We have to learn. We have to grow. And if we don't do that, we're going to get caught in this trap. And if you get caught in that trap, you do feel not good enough because you are also not evolving. But the concept of not feeling good enough, it's like such nonsense to me, right? Because we are good enough and we know we're good enough, but we are taking in all these negative messages and believing that we're not good enough. So it's really just stopping that path and believing and supporting ourselves through self-love and self-care to then model for our kids that they also are good enough, right? Not for them to feel that way, not for them to get caught in this vicious cycle. So I think there's so many layers and elements to this. We could probably talk for hours about it.Right? And you see it all the time. And it's just really, it's something that I'm so passionate about because we have to change the narrative. Dr. Cam (09:27.185):I think it's the difference between being good enough and not, not being good enough and not knowing enough. We are good enough, but there's always more we can know. I mean, you and I do this day in and day out and I'm still reading books every day. I'm still taking classes. I'm ex, I'm interviewing experts like you. I still don't know everything. So there's no way for us, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I've got lots more I can learn. There's nothing wrong with that. Ali Flynn (10:05.982)And I think also, we're always evolving, we're learning, right? We're growing, we're growing along with our kids. But we also have to recognize that we have to expand, right? We have to allow ourselves to recognize that we are good enough, and we are good enough for our family, right? So that's sort of also where my mindset shifted. I did this change and said to myself, rather than thinking I'm not good enough for the whole world, it doesn't matter about the whole world. This is my family of six, and I'm going to do for my family of six what I know they need from me. And I'm not going to worry about the neighbor next door. I'm going to care for my neighbor next door, and I will worry about them. But I'm not going to invest my time in over-analyzing what they are doing in comparison to what I'm doing, because I'm the only one who knows what my particular kids need. Focus on that, right? Do what is right for your family and ignore the chatter of what everyone else is doing. Dr. Cam (11:06.179)I think a lot of that chatter is chatter we make up too. The fear of what we think they may be thinking, and then we get stuck in that, and that kind of gets us down that trap. And I think the other thing to just consider is when we admit and take accountability that there's more we can learn, that doesn't say that what we have done in the past has been failure. We've done the best we could with everything we know, and that's okay. But we can always know more if we want to change the dynamic. That's all there is to it. That's not saying we failed. It's just saying we still have room to go. So now we're going to slowly but surely—because this is a difficult thing for us to do—let go of guilt because we were born and raised to embrace it. Let's be real. And we are passing that guilt burden onto our kids in many ways as well. But how do we now model taking care of ourselves? Because I think this is the other thing where we tend to sacrifice our own well-being for the well-being of our kids. And Ali, tell us why that does not work long-term. Ali Flynn (12:26.99)Yet this is something that it took me a long time to realize. And it took me a long time to recognize that I personally was doing this, right? I had this thought that being a good mom and being a good enough mom meant that I was completely 100% selfless. I was selfless. But that selflessness caught up to me, right? So here I was, a younger mom, giving, giving, giving, overly giving, but it turned into sort of self-sabotage. And then, as I'm giving, I'm becoming more hostile. I'm retreating. I'm getting upset about the littlest things. I don't feel enough, but I also don't feel fulfilled. And it's sort of this dynamic where I love being a mother, but I'm not feeling fulfilled at the same time. And why is that happening? It's this dichotomy that I have to think about. And I think I'm a very reflective person. So I could sit back and say, wait a second, this is not what being a mom is about. Being a mom does not mean completely getting lost in just my family and not focusing on myself at all. And being a mom doesn't mean being completely selfless because what am I modeling to my kids? I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figur…

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How to Help Your Teen Ace the Digital SAT and Unlock Scholarship Opportunities Jun 04, 2024

Show notes

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re diving into the exciting world of the all-new Digital SAT and how it’s changing the college admissions process. Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert and a Shark Tank success story, joins us to break down everything parents need to know about the new SAT, scholarships, and how standardized tests can still be an advantage—even at test-optional colleges. With over 20 years of experience in SAT prep and helping over 100,000 students succeed, Dr. Patel offers priceless insights to empower both teens and parents on the road to college success. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE Why the Digital SAT is a game-changer and how to prepare for it The importance of standardized tests in 2024 college admissions and scholarships How taking the SAT or ACT boosts college acceptance rates and scholarship opportunities Why motivation is key in test preparation and how to keep your teen on track How to widen your teen’s college options and increase their chances of merit-based financial aid 5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS The new Digital SAT offers significant changes that students need to understand in order to succeed. Test scores matter—taking the SAT or ACT can increase your teen’s chances of receiving merit-based scholarships and getting into top colleges. Over $7 billion in merit scholarships are available annually, and many require standardized test scores for consideration. The growing importance of SAT and ACT scores at top universities highlights the need for careful test prep. Helping your teen identify their motivation is essential for boosting their test prep success and keeping them focused on their goals. 🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Download the Prep Expert Digital SAT "Mini" Playbook EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 Introduction to the New Digital SAT and Dr. Shaan Patel03:38 The Importance of Taking the SAT or ACT06:12 The Resurgence of Standardized Testing Requirements09:17 Preparing for the Digital SAT: Tips and Strategies14:08 Understanding the Adaptive Nature of the Digital SAT23:02 The Importance of the PSAT and National Merit Scholarships25:17 The Role of Test-Taking Strategies in SAT and ACT Success29:00 Motivating Students to Study for Standardized Tests32:20 Broadening College Applications for Merit-Based Financial Aid CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Shaan Patel Website: www.prepexpert.com Facebook: @PrepExpert Instagram: @prep_expert LinkedIn: Prep Expert Twitter: @Prep_Expert YouTube: @PrepExpert CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.732)Is the new digital SAT stressing you out more than your teen? Feeling lost in the college admissions scramble? Forget the worry and listen up. In this episode, we're going to crack the code on the all-new digital SAT. We're joined by the amazing Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert, the company that's helped over 100,000 students conquer standardized tests and land in top colleges. Dr. Patel is also a Shark Tank success story with over 20 years of experience cracking the SAT code. Dr. Patel will break down the digital SAT, college admissions in 2024, and your teen's scholarship options. Get ready to take notes. I know I’m going to because I have a teen going into college too. So, Dr. Patel, welcome to the show. Shaan Patel (00:32.614)Hi, Dr. Cam. Thanks for having me. Happy to be here. Dr. Cam (00:50.244)Absolutely. So, there are so many questions I have, including Shark Tank, which I love, but let’s just start with your backstory. How did you get into college admissions and testing? Shaan Patel (01:00.806)Yeah, great question. So, I never thought I’d be the owner of a test prep and college admissions company. That was not in the game plan. What happened is I kind of stumbled into it through my own experience. I was a good student in high school but not a great standardized test taker. I had a lot of test anxiety, didn’t know anything about test preparation, college admissions, or scholarships. In the first SAT I ever took, I barely got above average. I spent hundreds of hours studying in the library and raised my score from average to perfect. My score increased by 640 points, which opened up a ton of opportunities for me. I got into some of the nation's best universities, received half a million dollars in scholarships, and won some great awards. When I got to college, I wanted to help other students improve their test scores the way I had. I had unique strategies and methods to share. So, I put together a book proposal for the first SAT prep book by a perfect score student. Unfortunately, I got 100 rejections. If anyone knows the publishing world, it’s tough. So, I took all that material and started Prep Expert. In the first six-week SAT course I ever taught, my students had an average score improvement of 376 points, which is the equivalent of moving from the 50th percentile to the 90th percentile. That led to more demand for courses, and I began training other instructors. Over the past 13 years, we've helped over 100,000 students improve their SAT and ACT scores and secure over $100 million in scholarships. Dr. Cam (03:38.372)You’ve piqued my interest as a mom of a junior looking into expensive colleges and who also struggles with standardized testing. So, let me ask you, first of all, how important is it that kids take these tests? Because not all schools require them now. Shaan Patel (03:39.942)Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion over the past few years about whether students should take the SAT or ACT due to test-optional college admissions policies. There are three major reasons your student should still take the SAT or ACT. Higher Acceptance RatesEven at test-optional colleges, many studies show that students who submit test scores are often accepted at higher rates. This shouldn't be the case, but the data shows that acceptance rates are often two to three times higher for students with test scores. This is because, with grade inflation, it’s hard to differentiate students based on GPAs alone. ScholarshipsOver $7 billion in merit-based scholarships are awarded annually, and many of these scholarships consider test scores in the selection process. This includes full and half-tuition scholarships from universities and private companies like Coca-Cola, Toyota, McDonald's, and more. Universities Requiring ScoresMany top universities have reinstated SAT and ACT score requirements. Schools like Harvard, Yale, MIT, Dartmouth, Brown, Caltech, University of Texas at Austin, Georgetown, all Georgia public universities, and many universities in Florida now require SAT or ACT scores. You don’t want to be caught in your senior year scrambling because your dream university suddenly requires the test. Dr. Cam (06:12.388)Why is there a resurgence? Why is it coming back? Shaan Patel (06:16.07)One of the main reasons is grade inflation. Universities are bombarded with applications, and when a school like University of Texas or Harvard gets 50,000 or even 100,000 applications, it’s hard to differentiate students without test scores. Extracurriculars are another factor. As research shows, valuing extracurriculars can disproportionately favor wealthier students who can afford to participate in elite activities like starting nonprofit organizations or playing expensive sports. Dr. Cam (07:40.388)Right, exactly. And even preparing for it, there’s always an imbalance. I think equity is a big issue, and I like that they’re trying to find more equitable solutions. But it’s still going to be a constant struggle. What are we seeing now? Shaan Patel (08:03.302)Yeah, many listeners may think test prep is unfair due to its cost. That’s a fair point, but there are so many free or low-cost resources available now, such as Khan Academy and College Board’s free practice tests. I even have a book, Prep Expert Digital SAT Playbook, available for $9.99 on Kindle. You can learn elite test prep strategies at a low cost. While one-on-one tutoring may be more expensive, I’m a great example of someone who raised my score with just books from the library. So, I think that’s more equitable than valuing extracurriculars, which often cost far more than any test prep course. Dr. Cam (09:17.572)That’s very true. You’ve said "discipline" a few times, and I think that’s worrying parents. Getting their kids to be disciplined enough to study for this is a real struggle, which is why outside accountability helps. Do you have suggestions for those parents? And then I’d like to get into the digital test, but in terms of encouraging kids to be disciplined? Shaan Patel (09:48.71)Yes, we cover self-control, delayed gratification, and discipline in our courses and books. You’d be surprised that those are actual strategies in a test prep book, but they are crucial. It’s important to turn off distractions—no TikTok, no social media. Focus, study, and practice self-control. Preparing for any exam requires discipline. You have to delay gratification, fail, and improve from it. These are great life skills. What we do in test prep can transition into life prep, helping students develop the habits they need for success in the workplace. Dr. Cam (11:04.132)Those are huge. So, let’s talk a little bit about the digital SAT. What’s changing now, and what do parents need to know? Shaan Patel (11:15.078)There’s a monumental change to the SAT in 2024. For the first time in nearly 100 years, the SAT has gone from a paper-based exam to a digital one. A lot of parents and students may think it's no big deal—just the same test on a computer—but that's not true. There are significant content changes, format changes, and new question types. Students need to familiarize themselves with the new digital SAT. You’ve got to take practice exams and learn new strategies. Unfortunately, materials from 2023 and before aren't as relevant anymore. Parents and students will be pleased to hear that this new digital version of the SAT is the most student-friendly version ever created. The test is now 2 hours and 14 minutes, down from 3.5 hours. Instead of 150-200 questions, it’s now just 98 questions. You can use a digital calculator on all math questions, unlike the previous SAT where there was a no-calculator section. The writing section is now combined with the reading section, meaning fewer sections and less focus on grammar. Plus, the essay is gone, and obscure vocabulary words are no longer included. On top of that, the reading passages are now shorter—just about 100 words on average, instead of the 500-750 words seen previously. It’s already a welcome change for many parents and students. However, I do want to be clear: while the digital SAT is student-friendly, it’s not easier. The biggest change is that the new SAT is now adaptive. This means that the questions will get harder or easier depending on how well your student performs on the first module of math, reading, and writing. The final questions will be much harder to test the upper level of your student’s skills. Dr. Cam (14:01.06)I imagine that goes into the grade then, or the score, because if you're getting more difficult questions rather than easier questions, how does that impact your overall score? Shaan Patel (14:08.422)Yeah, so it's actually a really good thing if you're seeing more difficult questions because the baseline, even if you get many of those wrong, your score is still going to be higher than a student who saw the easier questions. And so it's curved fairly, from what we've seen, at least on the first couple of administrations with our students. But there is a bit of a harsh curve because as I mentioned, there's only 98 questions, so there's less room for error if you're really looking for those top scores or those 99th percentile scores. Dr. Cam (14:43.652)How do you recommend kids prepare for this test? What are some of the key things they need to know? Shaan Patel (14:53.35)The biggest thing is first getting familiar with the new question types, format, and content. So the way you do that is download the Blue Book application. That is the official testing application by the College Board. They have at least six practice tests, at least as of this podcast recording, and they continue to release more. So you'll have a lot of practice material, hundreds of questions just through that. But I always tell parents and students it's not enough just to practice with College Board questions. You also need to learn strategies, techniques, and tips to ace the exam. So for that, I really recommend my company, PrepExpert. We offer SAT courses and books where your student can learn hundreds of strategies that I used myself as a perfect score student, and that we have 99th percentile instructors who teach your students these ways to crack the test—how to read passages and answer math questions in ways you wouldn't learn in a typical high school classroom or with Khan Academy. Dr. Cam (16:07.876)Now, I know this is part of your program, but would you be willing to share one or two of those little tips that we wouldn’t know about? Shaan Patel (16:08.71)You know, one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section—this is a really easy one to share—that's why I'm going to say it on a podcast because I think people will remember it. But one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section of the SAT or ACT is the word being—B-E-I-N-G. So if your student sees that word on a grammar question of the SAT or ACT, you should automatically mark it as an incorrect answer. The reason for that is because being actually creates passive voice constructions rather than active voice constructions. I'm not going to get into the difference between passive voice and active voice right now, but if everyone just wants to remember the word being is always incorrect. So that's for the grammar section. Now for the reading section, there's another word that a lot of people probably know, which is always. Always is always incorrect. And the reason for that is because always is a very extreme word. It's very rare that something can always be true, especially when you're trying to defend a passage-based reading question. So look out for always on the reading questions and being on the writing questions. I wish I could share a math strategy, but those are a little bit difficult without a visual. Dr. Cam (17:31.396)More complicated. So I want to ask you, Shaan, if your child—and I’m asking for a friend—if your child is not the strongest student but has great work ethic and definitely struggles with exams, can they improve their SAT or ACT scores by learning these skills, and can that help buffer if their GPA isn’t stellar? Shaan Patel (18:05.958)Yeah, those are probably my favorite students to work with. Absolutely. I mean, that’s what we’ve had with thousands of students over the years. Their GPA is okay, but then we just help them crush the SAT and ACT. Usually, they’re not good standardized test takers, they’re below average usually starting. Dr. Cam (18:10.5)I’m sending my daughter over right now. Shaan Patel (18:33.83)But that also means they have the most room for improvement. So we've had students improve a thousand points, 800 points, literally go from 800 to 1500, things like that—…

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