Show notes
If you're struggling to connect with your strong-willed teenager and every conversation feels like a tug-of-war, you're not alone. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with parenting expert Kirk Martin, founder of CelebrateCalm.com and host of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Together, they share practical and actionable strategies to turn defiance and power struggles into calm, productive conversations. You'll learn how to motivate your strong-willed teen, build a trusting relationship, and navigate these challenging years with more peace and understanding. Tune in to discover how changing your approach as a parent can transform your family dynamic and empower your teen to be their authentic self. Donât miss out on these game-changing tips! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How to Build a Close, Trusting Connection with your teen to motivate them without using control or manipulation. Why Parents Should Focus on Changing Themselves instead of trying to change their teen's behavior. The Power of Bonding by sharing interests with your teen and asking them to teach you something theyâre passionate about. How Releasing Parental Expectations can help your teen embrace their authentic self and take ownership of their actions. The Importance of Normalizing Teen Challenges by understanding that their behavior is often a reaction to their environment, not an attack on you. đ§â¤ď¸ ENJOYING THE SHOW?If you found this episode helpful, donât keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode with friends and family, and leave a rating and review to help other parents discover the support they need. Your feedback helps me continue creating episodes packed with practical tips for families just like yours! Thanks for your support! đđŤ đ Donât forget to Follow so you never miss another episode filled with solutions that make parenting teens easier! đ TOP 5 TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Self-Reflection Is Key â Parents should focus on changing their own responses and mindset instead of trying to change their teenâs behavior. This shift can lead to better communication and fewer power struggles. Empathy Over Control â Building a strong relationship with your teen starts with understanding their world, not trying to control it. Listening and empathizing is more powerful than imposing rules. Bonding Over Shared Interests â Find common ground with your teen and engage in activities they love. Asking them to teach you something is a great way to build connection and show respect for their expertise. Release the Pressure â Let go of strict expectations about who your teen should be. Empower them by recognizing their natural gifts and talents, which fosters confidence and independence. Mentors Are Essential â Outside mentorship can provide your teen with additional support and guidance that may be more effective than what you can offer as a parent. Encourage them to seek out these valuable relationships. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Calm Parenting Podcast EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction: Effective Strategies for Motivating Strong-Willed Teenagers 01:22 Kirk's Backstory: How to Transform the Parent-Teen Relationship 03:12 Self-Reflection in Parenting: Why Changing Yourself Helps Your Teen 06:25 How to Build a Strong Connection with Your Teen 09:44 The Power of Listening: Acknowledging Your Teenâs Voice 12:55 How to Work with Parents to Facilitate Positive Change 17:21 Motivating Your Teen: The Importance of Releasing Parental Expectations 20:37 Empowering Teenagers: Helping Them Discover Their Authentic Self 21:13 Building a Strong Emotional Bond with Your Teenager 25:37 Identifying and Creating Opportunities for Your Teen to Shine 30:51 Normalizing the Challenges of Raising Teenagers 37:15 How Social Media Affects Teen Behavior: Understanding the Impact CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kirk Martin Website: CelebrateCalm.com Instagram: @calmparentingpodcast Facebook: @CelebrateCalm CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.646)Hey parents, if you're struggling to get through to your strong-willed teenager, feeling like every conversation turns into a battle, you're not alone. Today we're diving into three ways to motivate strong-willed teenagers. I'm joined by a special guest who's a game changer in this area, Kirk Martin. Kirk is the founder of CelebrateCom.com and host of the Calm Parenting podcast. Heâs mastered the art of transforming defiance and power struggles into productive conversations. Today, heâs going to share practical strategies to not only get our teens to listen but also build a close, trusting relationship with them. Kirk, welcome to the show. Kirk (00:42.332)Dr. Cam, I'm super excited to be here! Dr. Cam (00:44.874)Yes, this is great. Let's start with your backstory. What inspired you to start working with parents and their teenagers? Kirk (00:53.02)Our own son. Our son, Casey, came out of the womb with boxing gloves on â that kind of strong-willed kid who fights you over everything. Like most parents, I parented like my dad did: fear and intimidation, yelling, and screaming. But with a strong-willed child, you know this â theyâre fight-or-flight kids. You double down on your discipline, and your strong-willed child will push back even harder. Dr. Cam (01:22.375)Exactly. Kirk (01:23.644)So, I spent the first seven or eight years of his life trying to change him, thinking, "He just needs to listen to me." But then I realized, no, I need to change myself. I was yelling at my son, telling him to calm down, when inside, he was probably thinking, "Apparently, you haven't mastered that skill at 35!" Everything changed when I changed. I stopped feeding off my anxiety, control issues, and perfectionism as a parent. Then, we did something a little weird that my wife hated. I said, âI have an awesome ideaâletâs bring in strong-willed kids, kids on the spectrum, into our home for something called Lego camp.â The idea was to teach impulse control, emotion regulation, and social skills in real-life situations, not in an office. And all the kids came, not knowing they were being worked on. It was kind of like play therapy, but outside of an office setting. We did that for a decade, and over 1,500 kids came through our home. Thatâs the backstory. Eventually, we started speaking, and I shifted from working with kidsâwhich was the easy partâto working with the parents. You know this, Dr. Cam: we, as parents, bring so much baggage into it. But when I changed, everything shifted in the family dynamic. Dr. Cam (03:10.34)I love that. And I love how it started with your self-awareness because thatâs the key to all of parentingâthe ability to stop and ask, "Whatâs my part in this dynamic?" If we focus on changing our teen, nothing will change unless we're willing to change ourselves. Kirk (03:30.684)Yeah, thatâs true. You know, when you're looking at that middle school child who's been in the same hoodie for 18 straight days, playing video games, and you start thinking, "Whoâs going to marry this kid? Whoâs going to hire this kid?" You start lecturing them, pointing out everything they're doing wrong. Dr. Cam (03:32.302)So, whatâs the problem with that approach? Kirk (03:57.924)Eventually, they shut down or say, âScrew youâ inside, thinking, âYou're never happy with me.â The good news, though, is if our success as a family depends on changing our spouse or child, weâre in trouble. We canât change another person. But if it depends on changing ourselves, weâve got a shot. When you change yourself, it actually changes how your kids respond to you. Dr. Cam (04:32.164)100%. And when you started working with parents, my whole philosophy is the same. Teens wonât change unless we work with the parents. Once the parents change, the teens usually come along, too. So letâs talk about that typical teenâthe one wearing the hoodie, hiding in their room playing games, and giving one-word responses when we ask about their day. A lot of parents take that very personally. They feel like their teen is pushing them out of their life, so they try to insert themselves more and more. Or they demand that their teen come down and spend time with them, regardless of whether the teen enjoys it. Why donât these approaches work? Kirk (05:27.516)Well, kidsâespecially teensâare supposed to be independent, right? It would be weird if a 15-year-old said, "Mom, Iâd rather spend time with you than my friends." Thatâs the normal stage for them. With strong-willed kids, the more you push, the more they resist. For me, itâs about drawing them to me and leading. For example, when our son was a teenager, if he brought something up, I would think, âI have this lecture in my head about how to choose friends.â But instead, Iâd say, âHey, Casey, I have some thoughts on that, but I need to get started on dinner. Iâll be in the garage, and if you want to come chat later, Iâd love to share.â I wasnât forcing it on him. They wonât come to you and say, âDad, you have so much wisdom, Iâm ready to hear it.â Theyâll probably say, âOkay, what are your dumb ideas?â But I donât take it personally. Any positive interaction is a win. Itâs all about resetting expectations. Dr. Cam (07:14.306)Yes! Thatâs such a great point. And honestly, thatâs a sign of healthy development. Itâs normal for a teen to be a little sassy. Kirk (07:18.908)Right! It would be strange if they werenât a little sassy at 13 or 16. Thereâs a difference between normal sass and outright defiance. If theyâre calling you names or saying, âI hate you,â thatâs a different issue. But the normal sass is just part of growing up. Dr. Cam (07:39.902)Exactly. What Iâve seen is that the more extreme attitude often comes after a lot of normal sass and being shut down or punished for it. They get frustrated when their normal attempts at independence arenât accepted. Have you noticed that? Kirk (08:07.164)Yeah, Dr. Cam, do you agree with this? When theyâve crossed that threshold into anger and frustration, itâs almost like theyâre crying out, âIâve been trying to tell you this, but youâre not listening.â Theyâre not mature enough to say, âDad, you havenât adjusted well to my new independence. Can we talk about this?â So it just comes out in anger. Does that sound right? Dr. Cam (08:41.546)It's a hundred percent, and that's what the teens tell me all the time. Several of them have actually tried saying not exactly the words you've used, but have tried saying that and gotten shot down. Like, "You're being disrespectful telling me what I need to do." Right? And so teens don't have a voice. Even if they see this and ask for something to be changed, they donât get heard. They get shut down, and that being shut down a few times leads to this: "I don't care anymore. If you're going to make my life miserable, I'm going to make your life miserable." And I see a lot of that. Kirk (09:18.554)And they'll win at that because the strong-willed kids donât care about consequences, right? So youâll be like, âWell, Iâm going to take away all your video games,â and theyâre like, âFine. I will literally sit in my room and stare at the wall.â Then the parents are going to freak out. Itâs not about winning in that situation. So, good. Yeah, I found people of all ages want to be heard. And it doesn't mean we have to endlessly listen to every little complaintânot that. But most of our teenagers, they're really bright kids, right? And I always tell parents, âListen, theyâre trying to tell you something.â It doesnât mean you give in, you donât buy them everything they want, not that. But when they do bring something up, I like the more humble approach, which is saying, âHey, I need to apologize to you because I think Iâve spent the last five, seven, 13 years just lecturing you and just talking all the time, and I havenât really listened.â And if you start listening, well, then theyâre gonna come to you too, right? They might spend like seven minutes with you instead of a minute and a half at night. So, right? 'Cause Iâm always with teens, Iâm like, âTake any opportunity you can.â Because typical teenage life, to me, isâespecially during the school yearâthey come home, they donât want to talk about school. By the way, can I share this one? Kind of a cool idea. So the strong-willed kids that we work with, theyâre not always great at school. Theyâre really smart, but theyâre not. So asking them after school, âHey, how was your day at school?â Itâs like, âHey, how was that day at the place that you donât have a lot of friends, youâre bored?â Yeah, it sucks. What else do you want to know, Mom? Right? And then the next question is, âWell, do you have any homework?â âNo, I got it all done in study hall.â And they just lied to you. Dr. Cam (10:44.206)Yes, please. Kirk (11:12.016)That afternoon time after school, when you ask about their day, it sounds like an interrogation to them because itâs filled with our anxiety. "How did you do? How did you do on that test?" Because I need you to do well on that test so you can get a good grade, so you can get into the right college, so you can get a good job, so you can get that. So after school, sometimes, complete silence at times can be really wonderful. And if you want to have a conversation, this is really cool to say:âHey, you know what? Something happened to me today at the post office, at work, or in the political world. Iâm curious, what would you do if you were in my situation?â And now you switch it from interrogating them about their day to listening to their ideas about your day. Itâs a really cool thing to get them to open up. Dr. Cam (12:02.432)It is amazing, and I want to throw in there too that parents will listen to this and then theyâll go do it. Theyâll ask exactly what you just said, and their kids will be like, âI donât care.â So the reason I say this is because itâs not something that you can just snap and go, "Okay, Iâm going to change my approach today," and theyâre immediately going to change their response. That does not happen, right? What can parents... Kirk (12:25.372)No, itâs immediate, Dr. Cam. All you have to do is one time, and then they should... Iâm kidding. No, of course, yeah. Well, by the time you get to the teen years, youâve had at least 13 years, especially the kids we work with. I mean, theyâre in trouble from the time theyâre little. Theyâve developed a defensive kind of shield around their heart. Theyâve been in trouble a lot. Itâs going to take time. And I always encourage parents: Iâm after the really long game. Dr. Cam (12:30.052)Exactly. And everything changes. Kirk (12:55.26)Iâm after these kids bringing their grandkids to you, right? Because, you know, you work with these families. Sometimes the relationship has been severed and hurt for 13 or 14 years. So I play the long game. And so, look, you change... anyway, I want you to change, not because youâre hoping for a result, but just because itâs the right thing to do, right? And it will bear fruit. It sometimes just takes time. Yeah, so do it a few times and donât be discouraged when they say, âI donât know.â I tried your method and he said, âI donât know.â Iâm like, okay, because heâs waiting for you. Heâs going to say something, and then your next question is going to be, âSo how was school today? Did you get your homework done?â Like, you know what... An apology, Iâve realized as Iâve gotten older, apologies and praising kids are all just statements of fact. âHey, I want to apologize because for the first... Dr. Cam (13:35.549)Itâs a trap. Kirk (13:52.572)Thirteen years of your life, I think Iâve sent the message tâŚ
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