On Attachment

Latest Episodes:

#232: Why Do I Miss My Ex Now That I’m Dating Someone New? (Ask Steph) Feb 12, 2026

Show notes

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about why old feelings can resurface when you re-enter the dating world, and what to do when that catches you off guard.

In this episode, we explore:

Why missing your ex after a breakup can show up later, not earlier
How dating again brings up fresh comparisons — and why that’s so normal
The difference between missing your ex and missing familiarity, comfort, or routine
Why comparing a new connection to a long-term relationship is often distorted
How not to spiral or make meaning out of these feelings
What to do instead of panicking or second-guessing your breakup

If you’re otherwise excited about someone new and this has thrown you, this episode is a reminder to slow down, stay grounded, and trust that this experience doesn’t have to mean anything is wrong.

Links

Going through a break-up? Register for my free breakup training here.

If you’d like to submit a question for a future Ask Steph episode, I collect them via my weekly Instagram Q&A — come find me there and drop yours in.

#231: Why You Can't Love Someone Into Changing Feb 10, 2026

Show notes

In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are.

In this episode, we cover:

Why “if they loved me, they would’ve changed” is such a convincing story
How the saviour complex shows up in relationships
The line between compassion and self-abandonment
Why people change when they’re ready — not when we love harder

If this resonates, you can register for my free training on healing anxious attachment here.

#230: How Do I Know My New Partner Will Be Better Than My Last One? (Ask Steph) Feb 05, 2026

Show notes

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question that will feel very familiar to anyone with anxious attachment: How can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than my last one?

On the surface, this question makes sense. After being hurt, blindsided, or disappointed in past relationships, of course we want reassurance that it won’t happen again. But underneath it, there’s often a deeper issue at play — a lack of self-trust, and an anxious belief that it’s our job to prevent pain by being hyper-vigilant, prepared, and on guard.

In this episode, I unpack why this question, while understandable, can actually keep you stuck in anxiety rather than moving you towards healthier relationships. We explore the difference between discernment and hypervigilance, and why trying to “de-risk” relationships often backfires.

Rather than aiming for certainty or guarantees, this conversation invites a shift towards trusting yourself — your capacity to notice, respond, self-advocate, and take care of yourself as relationships unfold.

#229: The Hallmarks of a Secure Relationship Feb 03, 2026

Show notes

A secure relationship isn’t one where nothing ever goes wrong — it’s one where the foundation is strong enough to hold the hard stuff. For many people (especially those with anxious attachment), insecurity doesn’t come from being “too sensitive,” but from being in dynamics that lack safety, consistency, or clarity.

In this episode, I break down five key qualities that tend to be present in secure relationships, and how they actually feel on a nervous system level.

I cover:

What emotional safety really looks like (and what it doesn’t)
Why trust is about reliability and consistency, not just honesty
How secure couples approach conflict and repair after rupture
What it means for a relationship to be a secure base rather than a constant project
Why shared vision and felt commitment are essential for long-term security

Whether you’re assessing your current relationship, healing after an insecure one, or wanting to understand what you’re moving towards, this episode offers a grounded framework for what relational security is built on — and what helps it endure.

Explore my couples course, Secure Together

Free resources for building secure attachment

#228: When You Want More Words of Affirmation — But Don’t Want to Ask (Ask Steph) Jan 29, 2026

Show notes

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about wanting more words of affirmation from a partner — but not wanting to feel like you're constantly asking for it.

This is a really common tension, especially for people with anxious attachment. On one hand, words of affirmation genuinely matter. On the other, asking for them can feel exposing, needy, or like you’re trying to force something that should come naturally.

In this episode, I unpack why this dynamic is rarely about someone “withholding” affection, and how the way we ask (or don’t ask) can either make it feel safer or riskier for our partner to express verbally.

Rather than offering scripts or communication hacks, this conversation focuses on the deeper relational pieces that often get missed — including how we receive affirmation, how defensiveness shuts down vulnerability, and what it means to take responsibility for your needs without self-abandoning.

#227: The Most Common Forms of Self-Sabotage After a Break-Up Jan 27, 2026

Show notes

Break-ups are painful — but often, the way we try to cope with that pain can quietly keep us stuck in it for much longer than necessary.

In this episode of On Attachment, I walk through five of the most common ways people unknowingly self-sabotage after a break-up, particularly those with anxious attachment patterns. These behaviours aren’t a sign that you’re doing healing “wrong.” They’re understandable coping strategies that make sense in the context of loss, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm — but they don’t always serve us in the long run.

Rather than shaming or pushing yourself to “move on faster,” this episode invites you to bring awareness to where your energy is going after a break-up, and how to gently redirect it in ways that actually support healing.

In this episode, we explore:

Why obsessively replaying the relationship can keep you emotionally tethered
The belief that you need closure from your ex in order to move on
How romanticising the relationship in hindsight distorts reality
Why comparing your healing to your ex’s is a losing game
The cost of continuing to be each other’s emotional support person

At the heart of all of this is a simple but challenging truth: healing after a break-up requires turning towards your own pain, rather than trying to solve, analyse, or bypass it.

This episode is for you if you’re going through a break-up and feel stuck in rumination, comparison, or hope that’s keeping you anchored to the past — and you want a more grounded, self-compassionate way forward.

Resources

Click here to register for my free breakup training

#226: “If They Wanted To, They Would” (Ask Steph) Jan 22, 2026

Show notes

In this Ask Steph episode, I share my perspective on the phrase “if they wanted to, they would” — and why it’s sometimes helpful, but often oversimplified.

I talk about the difference between basic effort and genuine capacity, and why assuming someone’s behaviour always reflects a lack of care or love can miss what’s really going on. We explore how attachment patterns, protective strategies, and stress responses shape how people show up in relationships — often in ways that can’t be changed through willpower alone.

This episode is about shifting the focus from judging someone’s intentions to getting clear on your own boundaries, non-negotiables, and whether a relationship works for you as it is — or not.

#225: How to Know Whether to Keep Trying or Walk Away from a Relationship Jan 20, 2026

Show notes

Few decisions feel as emotionally loaded as deciding whether to keep trying in a relationship or to walk away. There is no universal right answer — and for many people, especially those with anxious attachment, this question can feel endlessly destabilising.

In this episode, I share 10 reflective questions designed to support clearer, more grounded decision-making. These questions aren’t a checklist or a formula to tell you what to do. They’re an invitation to slow down, step out of fear-based urgency, and reconnect with your own values, needs, and capacity.

If you’ve been stuck going back and forth, waiting for certainty, or hoping something will finally make the choice clear for you, this episode offers a compassionate framework to help you find your own way forward.

#224: I Drunk Texted My Ex and Feel So Much Shame — Help! (Ask Steph) Jan 15, 2026

Show notes

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question that many people can relate to: drunk texting an ex, waking up full of shame, and not knowing what to do next.

I talk about why this happens, especially in the aftermath of a breakup when loneliness, lowered inhibitions, and longing collide — and why beating yourself up afterwards only makes things worse.

I explore how to respond in a grounded way, including whether you need to follow up with your ex at all, how to keep it simple if you do, and why the real work isn’t undoing the message but making sure you don’t end up in the same position again.

This episode focuses on creating practical guardrails — around drinking, contact, and temptation — so you’re not relying on willpower alone when you’re in a tender place. I also talk about how learning from moments like this, rather than spiralling in shame, is a powerful way to rebuild self-trust, self-respect, and self-worth after a breakup.

If you’re feeling embarrassed or disappointed in yourself right now, you’re not alone — and you’re not beyond repair. I hope this episode helps you meet yourself with compassion while still supporting yourself to make better choices next time.

#223: What It Really Takes to Make an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Work Jan 13, 2026

Show notes

Anxious–avoidant relationships are often described as doomed — intense, painful, and inherently incompatible. While these dynamics can certainly be challenging, they’re not automatically destined to fail.

In this episode, I explore what it actually takes to make an anxious–avoidant relationship work — not through chemistry, hope, or sheer effort, but through three essential, non-negotiable ingredients.

I share why these dynamics can become either deeply healing or deeply reinforcing of old wounds, and how safety, responsibility, and discernment determine which way it goes.

In this episode, I cover:

Why anxious–avoidant relationships can feel both magnetic and destabilising
The difference between understanding attachment styles and doing the relational work
Why commitment is essential — and how “one foot out the door” undermines safety
The role of humility in breaking defensive patterns and power struggles
Why self-awareness isn’t enough without nervous system and relational capacity
How to discern whether a relationship can actually support mutual growth and security

This episode is not about forcing a relationship to work at all costs. It’s about honestly assessing whether the conditions required for safety, repair, and growth are present — and whether both partners have the willingness and capacity to do the work.

Explore my free resources here

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