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What to Talk About on Your Next Date Sep 28, 2016

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Even if you're happily married you might find dates with your spouse kind of awkward sometimes. What do you talk about? I know we struggle at times to have an easy flow of conversation, too. I don’t know what it is about dates that make it difficult to know what to talk about. Sometimes we’re just distracted or exhausted but sometimes if you’re up to date with each other then you’re also not sure what to go over. Certainly, if there’s an ‘elephant’ in the room, that gets in the way too. This is a good place to start because where couples struggle sometimes is they haven’t dealt with something that’s pretty major. One spouse initiates the date as a way to try to repair or even extend a peace offering. We could go down quite a rabbit trail with this but I think it would be good just to point out that you want to set up your dates so that you have the same goal/agenda when you go on them. If your marriage is distressed, be sure that you’re both heading in with an open mind that you’re doing this as one little step to move towards repair and reconciliation. If this is your situation, don’t go in with super high expectations and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and show some generosity by extending good will. This is one time that we’d actually recommend avoiding the elephant in the room. If the ‘elephant’, or issue, is too big for you, put that out there before you go and also suggest how you’d like to resolve that: set up a time to talk, ask for help from a spiritual leader in your church, or get some counselling. On the date itself, though, is not the time or place to hash out difficult issues. What you want to try to do is to set up your dates to allow a little sweetness to percolate into your marriage. Warmth. Kindness: both given and received. When you’re going on a date in the context of the distressed marriage you want to point the conversation toward topics that help you to build little wee connections with each other again. On the other hand, if your marriage is reasonably healthy but you just need a way to freshen up your dates and your relationship we’re going to point you toward the same topics! We know that life happens. We all get super busy and because we’re always in the whirlwind we tend to lose track of those little details that are happening in each other’s lives. Remember how when you were dating you used to love finding out those tiny little facts about each other? Well, date conversations should steer in that direction. Talk About Relationships and Experiences Generally, and looking at research on conversations that people tend towards, about 55% of conversation times for males and about 2/3 for females is devoted to talking about relationships and experiences.[i] See, most people like to talk about relationships and experiences because these are the most influential forces in our lives in terms of our emotional wellbeing. A much smaller amount of time goes to work or school-related trips, then to sport, then arrangements for future social activities, then culture and art and politics and religion. So let me give you a few different ideas about this. You definitely want to spend more time asking your spouse about the relationships you see less of. For example, how’s it going with their boss, with their mother, with their closer friends that maybe you don’t hang out with as a couple too much. These things are really important to your spouse. Watch for little hints of emotion there and try to catch those and expand on them to learn more about your spouse’s feelings. Be curious. Rather than assuming you know something, ask about it. Watch how you add your interpretive layers to what they’re saying, though. You may find more value, instead of thinking about how you see something just to stay with more neutral non-judgmental questions to ask your spouse how they experienced their friend or the specific circumstance at work. Part of this is not only having the topics to talk about but actually stopping and taking the time to unpack them. Males tend to just assume certain things and fill in the blanks on stuff, but if you can hold back on your own interpretation and try to lean into the curiosity, it not only helps to extend the conversation but also helps you to get to know your wife better. More understanding always leads to more compassion. The second thing here is to learn also to be curious about areas of your spouse’s life where your interests don’t overlap. Even if you have no interest or knowledge about what they are talking about, turn that into an advantage and say “Wow, I know nothing about that” and then start being really curious about the basics. Now you’re asking questions to learn about this interest and you have the other person excited about one of their interests and that is a great way to have a conversation! You can also just decide you want to take time to get to know how they think about certain issues more. Talk About Important Issues I know, I know. I said not deal with major marital issues on your dates. However, there is still a place for important, substantive issues. We get a lot of small talk from many of our relationships, we need to go deeper in our marriage. There was a study in 2010 that compared small talk vs. substantive conversations and looked at wellbeing. The small talk was really banal like “Oh, how’s your popcorn chicken?” and the important issues were those things where we’re exploring relationships, like, “So, your mom baked out of your lunch date? What do you think might be going on for her?” What these researchers found was that higher well-being was associated with less small talk and more substantive conversations.[ii] It appears that happy people don’t just stick with small talk but they also engage in more in-depth conversation. Start Conversations by Asking Questions Sometimes the pressure of having to bring a conversation starter leads to anxiety which prevents you from getting into the flow. Well, one thing we can do is learn to ask good questions. This is such a great skill for any part of marriage, or family life, or any human relationship. Here are some ideas from the 7 Power of Questions by Dorothy Leeds. The first thing you need to know is that not all questions are equally effective as conversation starters. I’m sure every person knows how well it works to ask your child, “So, how did school go today?”. “Good.” Period. End of conversation. Asking your spouse, “How was work today?” often doesn’t go much better. It’s too general a question. Think about how you can get more specific with the question. Try: What was the best part of your day at work? What was the most annoying part of your day at work? What was the funniest thing that happened to you today? These will lead to more things to talk about because they are more specific. It works even better if you have the presence of mind to track things from day to day. “So, you were hoping to get your proposal finished at work today. Was it hard to get it finished on time?” Keep Date Conversations Going by Staying Focused One thing that is so easy to do is to grab your phone wherever there’s a lull in the conversation. It’s like our phones have become the ultimate awkwardness disrupter – something to take me away from my discomfort and anxiety when there’s silence. There was a study in 2014 where researchers looked at the relationship between the presence of mobile devices and the quality of real-life in-person social interactions. They looked at 100 pairs of people discussing either a casual or a meaningful topic together while a trained research assistant observed them unobtrusively from a distance noting whether either participant placed a mobile device on the table or held it in his or her hand. The results of this study showed that conversations in the absence of cell phones were rated as significantly superior to those in the presence of the mobile device. Note: this is “in the presence” of; not even talking about use! They also noted that people who had conversations in the absence of mobile devices reported higher levels of empathic concern. Empathic concern is that ability to relate and to connect emotionally with what the other person is sharing.[iii] Putting your phone away shows that you are truly interested in the conversation at hand – it shows you care. When you show that, you’re sending your spouse a signal that gives them a reason to keep talking about what matters to them. So, be mindful of how your cell phone is a part of your date together, and what it might be adding or removing. Yes, if you have younger kids or a new babysitter, you may want to have your phone close by you. This is a time to get creative with your technology! Give your sitter a special ringtone or even turn on the do not disturb feature but set your babysitter's contact info so she has special exceptions to this. That way it will only ring if she calls and you can have uninterrupted conversation the rest of your date night. Once you get those date conversations going, remember that you also need to be intentional about how you’re going to keep them going! And keep in mind the Bible verse from Ephesians 4:29 that says our conversations should be “such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” It would be really cool if you could go on your next date with a real concern to give grace to your spouse by being intentional about your conversation! [i] R. I. M. Dunbar, Anna Marriott, and N. D. C. Duncan, “Human Conversational Behavior,” Human Nature 8, no. 3 (September 1997): 231–46, doi:10.1007/BF02912493. [ii] Matthias R. Mehl et al., “Eavesdropping on Happiness: Well-Being Is Related to Having Less Small Talk and More Substantive Conversations,” Psychological Science 21, no. 4 (April 1, 2010): 539–41, doi:10....

How to Appreciate Your Spouse Sep 21, 2016

Show notes

Maybe your spouse has complained to you that he or she just doesn’t feel appreciated. Well, let’s just take that at face value today and work on this whole appreciation thing. It can only help, right? One of my favorite Bible verses is: “You must let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is beneficial for the building up of the one in need, that it may give grace to those who hear.” If every word we spoke in our marriages was tested by this verse, we would see some vast improvements! What Does Appreciation Look Like? There is a measurement tool used in research called the Appreciation in Relationships Scale which looks at these items:[i] Telling your partner that he/she is the best Telling your partner how much you appreciate him/her Not taking your partner for granted Acknowledging and treating your spouse like s/he is someone special Noticing when your spouse does nice things for you and saying thank you, even for the really small things Feeling struck with a sense of awe and wonder when you think about your spouse being in your life. Basically, appreciation is any feeling or expression of gratitude for who a person is and what they do. When you perceive that your spouse sees you as valuable, you feel appreciated. This, of course, leads to a greater sense of security in the marriage and also the feeling that you can be confident of how your spouse sees you. It’s difficult when you’re not sure what your spouse thinks of you. This may be why your spouse is saying that s/he doesn’t feel appreciated. For some reason, they may not actually be sure of what you think of them. When you take these needs for appreciation that we all have and you bring them into your marriage what you’re doing is shifting your focus away from your own self-interest and really starting to include your spouse’s needs. This shift in thinking is fundamental to showing appreciation because you have to start to mentally position yourself around what you’re giving rather than what you’re getting from the marriage. When this shift takes place, you’re now expressing behaviours that help to maintain and build up your relationship. This is the whole point of appreciation! How Appreciation Blesses Your Marriage Here are five ways that appreciation benefits your marriage. We’ll show you why this works and what it does for your marriage so that you can really become intentional about putting this into place. First, Appreciate Your Spouse and Your Spouse Will Appreciate You A study from 2012 showed that “feeling appreciate by one’s spouse promotes one’s own appreciative feelings….people who feel more appreciated by their romantic partners report being more appreciative of their partners. In turn, people who are more appreciative of their partners report being more responsive to their partner’s needs.”[ii] Appreciation begets more appreciation. When you appreciate your spouse, your spouse is more likely to appreciate you back. Appreciation starts a healthy cycle in your marriage – as one partner considers the other before self, the other partner starts to do the same, and the relationship as a whole benefits from this. Second, Appreciation Leads to Commitment and Protects from Divorce Further results of the 2012 study showed that people who are more appreciative of their partners are more committed and more likely to remain in their relationships over time.[iii] In this way, displays of appreciation are protective against divorce and separation. Anything that contributes to the happy longevity of your marriage is really worthwhile! Third, Appreciation Positively Changes How You View Your Marriage Different research, from 2010, discovered that one of the benefits of expressing gratitude (which is just one way of expressing appreciation) positively changes how each partner views the relationship, specifically in terms of the communal strength of the relationship.[iv] Gratitude is what you feel when you are aware of what you appreciate. Developing the habit of looking for and then giving words to what you appreciate is how you create gratitude. Focussing on appreciation adds this powerful altruistic aspect to the marriage which in turn affects how you view your marriage. You feel it is stronger when you show more appreciation. Fourth, Appreciation Improves Your Spouse’s Mental Health A study in 2013 investigated how gratitude within a marriage impacted the mental wellbeing of each spouse. They used a depression scale (which is kind of like a Beck Inventory if you’ve heard of that) which is basically a questionnaire used to measure depression or depressive symptoms. Here’s what they found: A husband’s gratitude negatively correlated with the wife’s depressive emotion. This means that there was an observable correlation: as the husbands showed more gratitude the wives experienced less depressive symptoms. “A wife’s depression would be relatively palliated if her husband was assigned to express appreciation to her and not share daily hassles.” (Palliated means you have relief of symptoms but not necessarily a cure.) So, a wife’s depressive symptoms would be relatively lessened if her husband was intentional about appreciation and refrained from dumping daily hassles on her.[v] These findings are pretty neat, but why does this work? One thought is that the husband’s appreciation could serve as a mental resource: your positivity energizes me a little get through the day better. Also, receiving appreciation probably strengthens self-esteem and self-efficacy, meaning you feel more confident and more capable when you are shown appreciation. Not only that but you also have a reciprocation dynamic that comes into play. The depressed spouse wants to return the gratitude which is another boost also. Finally, Appreciation Leads to More Honest Marriages Some researchers is 2011 observed how expressing gratitude in marriage led to more honest marriages in the fact of conflict.[vi] Results of their study showed “a relationship between naturally occurring expressions of gratitude and comfort in voicing relationship concerns.”[vii] The researchers believe that expressing gratitude increases positive perceptions of the romantic partner, which is the mechanism by which partners feel more comfortable expressing their concerns. We’ve talked about this elsewhere, where having positivity in the marriage means that you also have the opportunity to raise issues without fear of a meltdown. That happens because you can more easily listen to your spouse point out a problem in yourself when you’re listening in the context of a marriage that is already affirming and safe and appreciative. Makes sense, right? So that’s our challenge for you today: go and start making it a consistent practice to show appreciation in your marriage. [i] Amie M. Gordon et al., “To Have and to Hold: Gratitude Promotes Relationship Maintenance in Intimate Bonds,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 103, no. 2 (August 2012): 257. [ii] Ibid. [iii] Ibid. [iv] Nathaniel M. Lambert et al., “Benefits of Expressing Gratitude: Expressing Gratitude to a Partner Changes One’s View of the Relationship,” Psychological Science 21, no. 4 (April 2010): 574. [v] Yen-Ping Chang et al., “Living with Gratitude: Spouse’s Gratitude on One’s Depression,” Journal of Happiness Studies 14, no. 4 (2013): 1431–42. [vi] Nathaniel M. Lambert and Frank D. Fincham, “Expressing Gratitude to a Partner Leads to More Relationship Maintenance Behavior,” Emotion (Washington, D.C.) 11, no. 1 (February 2011): 52–60, doi:10.1037/a0021557. [vii] Ibid.

Your Marriage Needs an Intimacy Checkup Sep 14, 2016

Show notes

Making your marriage more intimate can seem like a daunting task. Until you understand that there are just four basic components. We help you identify each of them and show you what you can do to take your marriage to the next level.

So You Stayed Married Just for the Kids’ Sake, Now What? Sep 07, 2016

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What happens if your marriage really hasn’t been that great but you’ve been sticking it out for the kids, or for some other reason. Let’s say the reason you’ve been sticking it out is no longer relevant… Now what? If the purpose for staying married is no longer relevant, is your marriage toast? Or can you do something to redeem and reconfigure your relationship so that new life is breathed into it? Barriers and Rewards in Marriage Why do people stay married? In 2003, two researchers set out to answer this. They cited past research that showed that people typically stay married due to either rewards (positive outcomes associated with being in a relationship) or barriers (psychological forces that restrain people from leaving relationships).[i] Happy marriages often stay together because of rewarding aspects of marriage, while unhappy marriages often stay together because of barriers to ending the marriage. The researchers were interested in specific rewards and barriers that kept marriages together and used data from a 17-year longitudinal study of marital instability to find some answers. In this study, couples were asked to list (1) specific barriers that prevented them from moving forward with divorce, (2) specific rewards that kept them together, and (3) whether they stayed due to a lack of alternative relationships. The results showed: When couples were asked why they stayed in their marriage, 74% listed various rewards, 25% listed barriers, and 1% listed lack of alternatives. Of those who listed barriers, the number one barrier to ending the marriage was staying for the sake of the children. The second largest barrier listed was religion. “People who attributed the cohesiveness of their marriages primarily to barriers (such as staying for the children) tended to be relatively unhappy with their marriages and were likely to be thinking (or acting) in ways that might lead to divorce.” “Thinking about marital cohesion exclusively in terms of barriers predicted divorce up to 14 years later, even after controlling for marital happiness and divorce proneness.[ii] The researchers also noted that barriers were not as powerful as rewards in maintaining cohesion. Without a strong attraction between spouses (as reflected in love, friendship, or positive communication) many people eventually find ways to overcome existing barriers and leave their marriages. For example, couples that are concerned about the effect of divorce on children may wait until their children are older or have left home before divorcing. Here’s the point: what’s keeping you together now could lead you to your ungluing later. You can think of this from a Scriptural perspective, too. Marriage, in terms of purpose, is cast in Ephesians 5 as a way to express the relationship of Christ towards his people on earth: there’s communication, intimacy, covenant faithfulness, loyalty and commitment, and deep, unfailing love. If your marriage has been carried along on the winds of any other kind of purpose, it’s time to seriously consider how you can remanufacture and build something that is aligned with the divinely ordained purpose. Surely, this is a far richer, far more joyful, perspective! But, just because you’re staying together for the wrong reasons doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable! If there’s pain in your marriage, why not find a place for the truth of redemption to be expressed in your marriage? Surely this is a better route than the devastation of divorce. Don’t Wait to Get Help Based on the research (above), marriages that stay together for the children are often unhappy marriages that could be headed for divorce once the children grow up. What should these marriages do? How can they find help? A large part of the problem is that many unhappy marriages don’t seek help at all. Other research shows that “most distressed couples do not seek marital therapy” and those who do wait an average of 6 years after serious relationship problems develop. In fact, only 37% of divorcing couples report seeking any type of counselling or therapy for their relationship.[iii] Trying to resolve issues after they have escalated for 6 years, is much more difficult than resolving them right when they start. So, why wait? What is stopping you from getting help today? Most people will answer that question by identifying a problem in their spouse. We understand that it’s often the case that your spouse isn’t on board for getting help, but if you’re creative and prayerful about this, you can find ways to improve things. What Motivates Couples to Seek Help? If you are wanting to get help, there’s this really tough question that we spoke about somewhat in our last podcast that we return to today: How do I get my spouse and I into counselling or some kind of marriage help. There was a recent study that looked at what motivated couples to enroll in a marriage checkup, which serves the purpose of increasing marital health.[iv] It turns out this is a really complicated problem to solve! Often one spouse is unwilling to seek help and therefore can either veto this or find ways to undermine it. It may also be hard to find time in your schedule or even find childcare. What these researchers found is that couples are motivated by relationship distress and that it’s usually more about the wife’s desire to find help. Husbands tended to be more affected by their wives’ assessment of the relationship than their own. This supports the idea that wives tend to function as a relationship barometer. So, if you’re a wife reading this, don’t underestimate your capability to influence your husband to pursue help together! Caleb had a thought about this for you wives: Men tend to hide. They’re afraid that if you see them as they really are, they’ll be rejected. Or, they withdraw as an attempt to save the marriage because they feel that if things are calmer, the marriage is safer than when you’re fighting. So, if you’re husband is hiding, perhaps you could undo the whole hiding thing by bringing in his parents, or his best friend or your pastor? Not someone to take sides with you, but to take sides with your marriage. Or, if he’s withdrawn, rather than pushing and pushing could you find a way to softly confess to him that everything you’ve been doing to try to save your marriage isn’t working and you’d like him to help you choose a counsellor so you guys can get some help. Try SOMETHING because there is hope for your marriage. Think about how you can remove barriers to seeking help and you might find some new ways to get things moving in the right direction. Is There Hope For My Marriage? Many marriages do not seek the help that they need. Many other marriages go through many years of distress, letting their problems become bigger and bigger before seeking help. But for those marriages that do seek help, there is a lot of hope! Here are a few options you can try now: (Remember, these are suggestions, and you have to bear the consequences for whatever you decide to do in your marriage. We cannot accept responsibility for choices you make!) The first option is just sticking it out. Check out episode 111, “Is My Marriage Beyond Recovery?” In that episode we include this research: “Only about 10% of individuals say at any particular time that they are unhappy in their marriages….As this study followed these couples over the next five years, 15% of these unhappy individuals did divorce, but 85% hung on…About two out of three unhappy married adults who avoided divorce ended up happily married to the same spouse five years later.”[v] So, one strategy you could choose is to just stick it out and do your best at bringing the best version of yourself to the marriage. Think of an ocean freighter – it takes those long, heavy ships a long, long distance to get turned around. That is this kind of strategy: you’re looking for the long, slow turn. The second option is to take a little more purposeful approach. This might look like having a conversation about your commitment because of the kids and stating that you want to create something between you that will endure and thrive even if the kids are largely out of the picture. Who wants to be along or trying to find another spouse in their 50’s, right? The big scary question you may consider asking your spouse is if they are willing to commit to do this work with you – then you both figure out how. Maybe you take some time off tougher, maybe you read some marriage books together, or go to a marriage retreat, that kind of thing. Just be sure that somehow you’re giving yourselves some helps along the way. A third option is marriage therapy. The cumulative research on marital therapy comes to a general conclusion: marriage counselling does work. A study in 2003 looked at 20 different meta-analyses of marital and family interventions (that’s a lot of data!). They found that “marriage and family therapies produce clinically significant improvements in distressed clients, with success rates of 40-50%”[vi], and emotionally focussed couples therapy, which Caleb uses, has an even higher success rate. This is not offering a guarantee for your marriage, but I hope that you hear hope in this. Hope for your marriage. So remember, what has defined your relationship to this point doesn’t have to be the final story. You can write a new story. For example, some couples struggle with feeling the circumstances of life pressed them together into marriage and they wonder if they ever really chose each other. Well, even if your spouse married you because they had to, it doesn’t mean that you cannot create a marriage NOW where you choose each other! Or, if you’ve made the mistake of having a child-centered marriage, it doesn’t mean that once the children are removed that it necessarily follows that there is no basis for your marriage....

I Want To Fix Our Marriage and He Doesn’t. Now What? Aug 31, 2016

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Here's today's question: "Background: I grew up in an abusive home (my father is an addict and a bully, but my mother never reported his abuse to authorities or tried to explain that what he was doing was wrong- we just pretended that nothing had happened afterwards) and my husband grew up in a home with not much affection or healthy communication. I am a newly trained mediator and I know we have issues (small issues but after 11 years they have grown to cause serious problems) but when I try and utilize my training, his radar goes up and he shuts down, Even though my communication is pretty terrible when I'm not using mediation (or at least, we have these awful cycles---he says he can't talk to me when I'm upset (voice raised or if I'm panicky or angry) he brings up things unrelated to what we are discussing (which granted, yes, need attention, but if I'm trying to resolve something that's bothering me and I want peace and harmony and to be a TEAM instead of petty ineffective blamers, imo, he sabotages the conversation and I go back to reptilian brain, angry or hurt mode and everything shuts down. So my question is, I'm trying so damned hard....I know he would like this stuff resolved too....but how on earth can things get fixed when he seems to prefer our dance of dysfunction???? And also, side note, I had a dream last night about being sad and single and so lonely and thinking of ways to meet someone to love and cherish me and be on the same side together....only to realize in my dream that I'm married (in my dream I had forgotten apparently) dark, foreboding stuff. :( Signed, Sad and ready to give up in Alberta" Listen to the podcast for Caleb's answer!

My Spouse is Flaunting Him/Herself on Social Media Aug 24, 2016

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A listener wrote in with the question: "How do you set boundaries with social media? What's acceptable to keep the marriage from the pressures of the world. For example: One spouse doesn't like revealing pictures put out and the other is getting physically fit and feeling the need to parade?" Listen to the podcast for Caleb's answer!

Extreme Sex Drive and Infidelity From Testosterone Therapy? Aug 17, 2016

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This week, we have a question from one of our audience members who wanted clarity on her expectations around side effects of her husband's testosterone therapy. "What experience do you have with testosterone therapy for men? I believe part of the cause of my husband's infidelity is due to much testosterone pellets and an excessive need for sex. I do not excuse him for one minute for the devastation he caused. think If that is going to be an available treatment for a medical condition some kind of information and counseling should be required as to how you will feel. We are 2-1/2 years past D day finding out of multiple hookups just for sex. We'd been married for 36 years!!! He is 59 and I am 57 right now. I credit my faith in keeping this altogether without telling anyone or counselling. Not a great idea after the fact. He's moved on from the infidelities and I still struggle at times. Q2: I guess I'm trying to understand if testosterone can make you impulsive and have the need to have sex in abundance. I feel you should be in control if your self, but if you are on the high end of the testosterone scale 1200-1500 can it change you? I do know hormones are powerful and make you feel all sorts of things." Listen to the podcast episode for Caleb's answer!

After Infidelity, How Do I Trust My Husband Again? Aug 10, 2016

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This week, Caleb answers a very touching question from Betty*, one of our email subscribers. She asked, "I responded a few months ago, rather aggressively, may I add, to your husband's question. And of course, he graciously responded with a question that pierced through my pain and frustration and found my heart. He asked," Do you still want to be married?" I thought about it for weeks!! Please let him know that we found a local counselor, who is also our pastor, and have been progressing, to say the least. What you two do is so vital in a world that opposes marriage and commitment in general.Thank you! Thank you! Anyways, to respond to your request, my question would be ... " After infidelity strikes, how do you trust your husband again?" I know it takes time to learn how to trust again, but how do you truly grant yourself the space to be vulnerable in that way? Or ... are you bruised for life? Sometimes I feel like I am a shell of who I once was; a child learning to be confident in herself and womanhood, it's embarrassing. So glad, this is anonymous! lol . Even if this isn't broadcasted I'd love your take on this." Listen to the podcast episode for Caleb's answer! *name changed for confidentiality reasons

If My Husband is a Sex Addict, Should I Divorce Him? Aug 03, 2016

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Caleb answers a question from a listener about sexual addiction and its consequences in marriage.

My Husband’s Sexual History Is Affecting Our Intimacy Jul 27, 2016

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Today we have a question from one of our audience members who is asking for help to overcome some significant mental barriers around her husband’s sexual history. Hi, I have a question. I got married just recently and much later in life...around 40 years old. I was a virgin when I got married. My husband was not. However he shared with me that he had not had any sexual partners for at least three years prior to our being married, because of his renewed commitment to Christ. I've been a Christian since I was a youth and my husband had also been a Christian since he was a child however he was not sexually abstinent in his relationships. We did not have sex prior to getting married. Since we have been married we have had a great sex life, but I have struggled with the fact that he's had previous sexual partners. My question is how can I best deal with my husband's previous sexual history and not let it interfere with our sexual relationship now. Of course, this is a vulnerable issue for me since I came into the marriage without sexual experience... So I get feelings of insecurity...wondering if he is comparing us to other relationships...etc. These thoughts can be intrusive for me. Now, today I had a bomb dropped on me when I got the results of a recent Pap smear saying I tested positive for HPV. It's very upsetting to find out that after being abstinent all these years and waiting for my husband to have sex; that he gave me a STD that could cause cervical cancer. The strain I have is the dangerous strain and will require more testing. I've already been struggling with feelings over his sexual past and now it's intensified a thousand fold as a result of contracting this STD from him. I feel like this is definitely going to affect my feelings toward him and toward sexual intimacy with him. He was tested for std's before our marriage but there is not a test for men for HPV, so in his defense he could not have known he had been exposed unless his previous girlfriend knew and told him. I'm hoping and praying that my immune system will fight off this virus and I will be okay, but unfortunately I've had previous health problems that have weakened my immune system so I'm really upset and stressed that I may end up not fighting it off. I'm just disappointed, sad, upset and hurt that I have to deal with an STD after waiting all this time to have sex with one man in my life.... My husband. I'm sure this is going to cause me anger and resentment for his choices and not being abstinent as a Christian man who proclaims Christ. I really have to say, at the risk of sounding judgmental.... That I am so tired of Bible believing Christians completely ignoring the word of God when it comes to sexual integrity! Why is it that people just wink at this sin like it's no big deal ??? People that I see at church every week that are living with their boyfriends and girlfriends that are having sex and acting as though it's not a sin. I don't understand it's very frustrating! Christians act as though it's inconsequential and casual... Please pray for me that I can be full of grace and forgiveness toward my husband and that we would grow stronger and more in love and that I won't withdraw from him like I feel like doing at this moment. The last piece of this puzzle is the question of fidelity?? Has he had sex with someone else during the time we've been together and contracted this STD and now passed it to me?? I really, honestly in my heart and soul, mind and spirit are telling me that he is being truthful about his sexual history and hadn't had sex for 3 years before we met...and that was his previous girlfriend for a couple years. But, my question is...why wouldn't she had let him know she had HPV. Most women know they have it because of their annual Pap smear. She would have known either back then or since then. They broke up in 2013. And they remained good friends. So wouldn't a good friend tell you this?? And if it wasn't her that gave it to him then who did? As he said he's only slept with a couple girlfriends from about 2009 to 2013. Sorry for the super long email but it felt good to vent all of that to someone, as I can't necessarily share this with other people and cause discredit to his character. I would love to get some feedback from you guys!!!!! Listen to the Podcast Episode to get Caleb's breakdown of this and his answers.

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