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Why a Child Centred Family is Bad for Everyone Sep 05, 2018

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Is it better to put more energy into your marriage, or should raising your kids properly be your first concern? If you think pouring your everything into your little munchkins is the best way to do things, then this episode may be a bit of an eye-opener for you. We’re going to unpack the relationship between happy marriages and happy parenting and happy kids. And it may not be what you expect to hear. Think of Your Family as a System Let me start with a little bit of psychobabble here but I’ll keep it simple. I want you to think of your little family unit as a system. In other words, it is made up of some moving parts and some groups of parts. The whole family, dad, mom, and children, are one system. But there are subsystems within it. And these subsystems interact and influence one another and the family as a whole. For example, your marriage is a subsystem of your family system. The mother-son relationship is a subsystem. The reason why we need to talk about systems is because it helps us understand that one system can affect another, as well as the family as a whole. For example, the marital relationship can affect parenting relationships, and vice versa[i]. Since the whole family is one system, emotions and actions displayed in one of its subsystems can spill over into the others. For example, a husband who is good at attending to his wife’s needs will naturally be better at looking after his kids too, since similar traits and actions are involved. Equally, a husband who dislikes spending time with his wife and is hostile towards her will tend to be more hostile to his children too since the anger and resentment spill over[ii] For that reason, it’s impossible to think about looking after your kids without also making your marriage a priority. Marital Satisfaction = Parenting Satisfaction Here’s a quote from one study: "A satisfying marital relationship is the cornerstone of happy family life, leading to more positive parent-child relationships and more congenial sibling relationships.[iii]". Another study confirmed a strong link between marital satisfaction and "sensitive, warm and responsive parenting"[iv] (Pedro et al, 2012). This link is one way: marital satisfaction causes good parenting and good parent-child relationships, not the other way around. In other words, you cannot improve your marriage by improving your parenting. But you can improve your parenting by improving your marriage. I really think this is countercultural to a lot of what we see today where there is so much emphasis on pouring all the effort and investment into the children. What this research is showing, and we’ll learn more about this as we proceed, is that pouring effort into the marriage results in real benefits to the children. The reverse is also true: low marital satisfaction leads to poor parenting. Emotionally distant spouses are often less supportive of their children and display less warmth, while marriages high in conflict often lead to more anger directed at the children[v]. Where this is particularly tricky is if you kind of give up on your spouse and pour effort into your children hoping you can redeem things there. I get why folks do that but if it is at all possible, the marriage is what needs your attention. Stepfamilies Are a Slight Exception There is one exception here. Yes, normally good parenting flows from a well-functioning marriage. But in step-families, the relationship actually runs both ways: marital satisfaction leads to better parenting of step-children but forming a healthy relationship with the step-children also creates a healthier marriage. This is because in stepfamilies the step-parent typically does not have a pre-existing relationship with the children. Consequently, she or he has to work at developing a workable relationship with those children in the first stages of the marriage in order to create a stable household. We did a full episode on blended families a while back but it’s worth pointing out here as well. Why Does Focusing On a Good Marriage Lead to Good Parenting? It really comes down to three things: spillover, resources, and modeling. Spillover: as mentioned above, positive mood, emotions, traits, and behavior from the marriage will naturally spill over into the parenting relationships. The family is a system, remember. So one aspect functioning well naturally improves things in the others. Resources: an unhappy or conflict-filled marriage will be a drain on both spouse's emotional and mental resources. This will negatively impact the couple's parenting ability as they will have less energy and willpower to properly look after their kids, and will react more negatively to bad behavior. Conversely, a happy marriage increases the emotional resources both spouses have, enhancing their ability to deal with parenting challenges. Modeling: children observe how their parents behave and learn a lot about how to act based on this observation or "modeling". Children who see their parents treat each other with respect and kindness will learn that this is the right way to interact with loved ones. Let’s just pivot slightly to look at how different styles of parenting lead to greater happiness for parents and children. Your Parenting Style Matters Co-Parenting Is Good for Couples and Children Co-parenting is defined as: Showing agreement in how to raise the children, and Supporting each other when interacting with the children, especially when it comes to setting rules and discipline. Co-parenting is linked to higher marital satisfaction in that one spouse's co-parenting leads to feeling supported and higher marital satisfaction for the other spouse[vi]. Co-parenting is the best form of parenting with regards to the happiness of the parents, and it is also the best for the children as it creates a more stable and conflict-free household. In simple terms, this is just about having each other’s back. Standing together as a couple. And kids can sure figure out if you guys are not on the same page and they’ll exploit that. When you’re united on issues, it actually creates a safer more stable environment for them. But to do this, you need to work on creating a strong marriage. See, couples who are high in marital satisfaction are naturally better at co-parenting. "Happy couples feel positive feelings for each other, and this affection prompts them to support each other as parents and to work cooperatively in child rearing[vii]". So having a happy marriage typically leads to good parenting. Parenting Styles That Don’t Work On the other hand, low marital satisfaction leads to poor co-parenting and creates less effective parenting styles, such as[viii]: Conflicted parenting: parents disagreeing with each other on how to raise/discipline the children, leading to further unhappiness between the couple and tension between the children and parents. Triangulation: drawing the child into the marital conflict, for example by trying to get the child to side with you against your spouse. This again leads to worsening marital satisfaction and distrustful, unstable parent-child relationships. Over-Parenting Is a Problem This is one style that I wanted to break out and talk about on its own. Putting the children first in your marriage can have negative consequences for the whole family system. Being overly-involved in your child's life, over-protecting and investing all your time into looking after them is sometimes called "helicopter parenting" due to the idea of always hovering over your children. This style of parenting reduces the time and emotional resources you have available for your spouse, which will lower your marital satisfaction- therefore hindering your co-parenting ability and affecting the whole family. So ironically, by having your children’s best interest at heart you end up draining yourself and your marriage, which can only be bad for the kids. But even more eye-opening is the fact that this style of helicopter parenting also has negative effects on the children. Research shows that being too protective and intrusive into your child's life, despite the good intentions behind it, has negative consequences for them as a child and in their transition to adulthood. These include[ix]: Reduced overall wellbeing Higher use of medication for anxiety and depression Less self-confidence and higher dependency on others Poorer coping skills and less ability to deal with challenges Reduced engagement with school and college, leading to lower academic achievement If this is happening it is worth just taking a step back to really think about why. I think this could easily become a downward spiral: maybe your marriage hit some rough patches or you found yourself unhappy, you decided to pursue joy in your children. As you became more and more invested in them, they at first responded with joy and that was very rewarding. However, as time goes on, they need more and more from you because they become increasingly insecure and anxious because of the cues they are picking up from the distress in your marriage. Your spouse becomes less and less happy. You invest more and more in the children, things get worse in the marriage, the children are more and more aware of and upset by this…etc. If this is the situation you find yourself in, it may be best to redirect. Stop and work on your marriage. Sometimes what appears to be a set of parenting problems is really just evidence of a marriage problem that needs to be addressed. Well, think about what a gift you could give your children by doing the hard work and really making the effort of investing in your marriage. References [i] Martha J. Cox and Blair Paley, “Understanding Families as Systems,” Current Directions in Psychological Science 12, no. 5 (2003): 193–96. [ii] Marta F. Pedro, Teresa Ribeiro, and Katherine H....

Figure Out What Your Spouse is Actually Upset About Aug 29, 2018

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Ever get the feeling that your arguments as a couple are going nowhere? Or maybe you find yourself thinking, “There has to be a better way to solve conflict than this!” Well, there is: turns out there are some essential skills that work for both husbands and wives and can actually lead to deeper intimacy rather than lingering resentments. Figuring Out Why Someone is Upset Can Be Hard Let’s just acknowledge right off the bat that it is normal for married folk to struggle with figuring out what the argument is really about. Turns out there are several possible reasons for this[i]: Your spouse may not want to share all that they are actually feeling: due to fear of vulnerability. It can be hard for you to see what emotions they are conveying in the heat of the moment. Especially if you are trying to focus on your own thoughts and opinions. Conflict and arguments tend to move very fast, making it hard to go back and question (with curiosity) what your spouse was actually trying to say. Deeper or core issues often show up as distress about specific issues. It is hard to see past the superficial or triggering issue and get to that deeper layer and really solve the problem. During conflict, you may not even want to see what emotions your spouse is conveying. Both of you are so worked up that you just end up saying negative things and reacting to reactions, rather than actually trying to discern and resolve the deeper issue. All that to say: give yourself and your spouse some compassion and try slowing things down. It is hard to figure things out and it takes patience and commitment. Empathic Accuracy Matters One of the keys to unlocking the mystery of what your spouse is really upset about is this thing called empathic accuracy. Don’t worry, we’ll make this concept easy to grasp: empathic accuracy is your ability to accurately discern what your spouse is feeling, and why[ii]. The reason you need to get good at empathic accuracy is that this skill is central to resolving conflict, forgiving one another, and building overall marital satisfaction[iii]. This empathic accuracy is the skill of learning to understand one another…sometimes you often hear people talk about soul-mates as if it is some magic woo-woo pixie dust that gets sprinkled on a few lucky couples by the marriage fairy. Not so: if you learn to do this empathic accuracy thing, you’ll be well on your way towards that soul-mate experience with your spouse. It is a skill anyone can learn, and the research shows that empathic accuracy increased marital satisfaction because it prompts spouses to respond differently to one another. Instead of blundering about in emotional darkness, think what your marriage would be like if you were really attuned to your wife or to your husband. Dialed into what was going on and able to respond accurately and appropriately. Well, I hope I’ve sold you on empathic accuracy. Now: how to learn this skill? How To Develop Empathic Accuracy Emotional Validation The first technique you need to learn is emotional validation. This is simply expressing the empathy toward your spouse when they are upset or when you are in conflict. Follow me closely here: conflict is often triggered by incidental events or actions, but at a deeper level it is often driven or intensified by an underlying feeling of not being heard. For example, if a wife is upset by something her husband did or said, and he does not acknowledge this properly then she will become more upset. How do we fail to respond properly? We get defensive, we blame the other person, we dismiss or minimize their concerns, or we just don’t know what to do so we stonewall them. When that happens then your spouse will become more upset. At that point, the conflict is no longer about the inciting incident but about your spouse’s need to feel validated[iv]. This is such a key point because you can break out of this by learning validate your spouse’s feeling. Say something like, “I can see why you would feel that way. I would feel the same.” This is emotional validation and it is central to empathic accuracy. When you acknowledge that your spouse has the right to feel what they are feeling, that is a powerful way to resolve conflict and build intimacy[v]. Now: I know what you’re thinking. “But they shouldn’t be feeling that way!” Sometimes that is actually true — the feeling your spouse is expressing does not seem to match the facts. However: if there’s a discrepancy there it is only because you have not gotten to the deeper issue, or because they are responding based on a different set of facts than what you have. You do not have the same story: you have two different perspectives. When you’re willing to step away from defending your perspective and your feelings for a moment and see the issue through your spouse’s eyes, then you can do this thing we are calling "emotional validation”. Don’t React Negatively Empathic accuracy also requires you to learn that you can choose not to react negatively to your spouse’s hostility during conflict. This can be tough but it is certainly doable. I am sure all of us can think of times when someone went ballistic on us and we were able to keep our cool. Here’s a quote from one study: "To reduce tension and soothe heated feelings, partners must inhibit the impulse toward negative reciprocity, instead reacting in a positive manner. This type of behavior is termed accommodation.[vi]". Typically, our arguments as couples escalate because one person says something negative and then the other person responds in kind. When you choose not to react negatively, it makes room for you to see the real need behind the negative words. When you see that real need, you are in a much better place to respond positively. And as you might imagine, this goes a long way towards reducing conflict and also has the effect of improving your marital wellbeing overall[vii]. That happens because you go from misunderstanding to deeper understanding. This is where conflict in a marriage actually becomes productive because you’re handling it intentionally. Making Empathic Accuracy Easier Hopefully you are seeing that these are very doable strategies to help you figure out what your spouse is actually upset about the next time you are in conflict. It’s helpful to know that researchers have identified three factors that determine levels of empathic accuracy within couples. These are: Psychological femininity: women generally find it easier to be empathic than men, due to normally showing more emotional concern for others and having better social skills. However, just because women naturally find this easier, there is no reason that men can't learn these skills as well. They are not female skills, they are merely socialized into women culturally. Men can still learn them. Commitment: a link was also found between levels of marital commitment and ability to show empathic accuracy (for both men and women). It’s good to pause and make sure you have committed your heart to your spouse and to your marriage. Perspective taking: the ability and willingness to take your spouse's perspective and see situations through their eyes is also strongly linked to empathic accuracy, and therefore to good conflict resolution and higher marital satisfaction. This cannot be emphasized enough. Are you willing to pause and engage your spouse’s perspective on the matter? Practice Makes Perfect A 2005 study[viii] found that it is possible to increase people’s level of empathic accuracy, and their ability to express this empathy, through practice. So we want to underscore again that this is a skill you can learn. By intentionally working with your spouse over time, you will naturally get better at reading him or her and learning to identify the cues that reveal his or her emotional state. You’ll look for certain words, facial expressions and body language and begin to intuitively catalog those into a way of understanding your spouse more deeply. The researchers also noted that practicing empathy is easier when you get feedback from the person you are speaking to. That’s helpful. Simply asking your spouse to confirm what emotion they are feeling during a conversation lets you see if you are reading them correctly. In some cases, you may even consider (with permission) videotaping yourselves having a conversation, and then review the video together and write down what you think the other person was conveying emotionally and then compare notes. It may feel a little funny to do that, but that can also be an effective approach to really help you hone this skill of empathic accuracy. Remember: empathic accuracy is the key to figuring out what your spouse is actually upset about. References [i] Alan Sillars et al., “Cognition During Marital Conflict: The Relationship of Thought and Talk, Cognition During Marital Conflict: The Relationship of Thought and Talk,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 17, no. 4–5 (August 1, 2000): 479–502, https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407500174002. [ii] Lauren M. Papp, Chrystyna D. Kouros, and E. Mark Cummings, “Demand-Withdraw Patterns in Marital Conflict in the Home,” Personal Relationships 16, no. 2 (June 2009): 285–300. [iii] F. Giorgia Paleari, Camillo Regalia, and Frank Fincham, “Marital Quality, Forgiveness, Empathy, and Rumination: A Longitudinal Analysis,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 31, no. 3 (2005): 368–78. [iv] Guy Winch, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts (Penguin, 2013). [v] Winch. [vi] Shelley Dean Kilpatrick, Victor L. Bissonnette, and Caryl E. Rusbult, “Empathic Accuracy and Accommodative Behavior among Newly Married Couples,” Personal Relationships 9, no. 4 (n.d.): 369–93, https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.09402. [vii] Kilpatrick, Bissonnette, and Rusbult. ...

How To Get Your Husband (or Wife) Into Marriage Counseling Aug 22, 2018

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This has to be one of the most common questions I get emailed about. Turns out, if you can take a little time to understand why men or women react differently to the idea of counseling, then you can dial in your approach to help you and your spouse get the help you need! Researchers estimate that at any point in time, in America, around 20% of marriages will be experiencing significant distress[i]. That’s a lot! It speaks to how much of our struggle is hidden from sight and from family, In fact, 28% of divorcing couples do not confide in family members about their marital problems prior to divorcing. And 63% of divorcees do not attend any kind of relationship counseling prior to divorce. Further, couples who do seek help wait an average of six years before doing so[ii]. That needs to change: there’s help available. Unfortunately, popular media has made divorce appear cheap and easy and they fail to disclose the real emotional, relational, spiritual and financial costs of divorce. So today we’re going to be talking about how to get your spouse into marriage counseling. This isn’t just an ad for our own virtual counseling agency but a research-based discussion about how to overcome this challenge effectively without being manipulative or sneaky. Why Do Couples NOT Seek Help? First, there are practical concerns: things like feeling there is a lack of time and money. Sometimes it is just a lack of awareness that good help can be had. And, in some cases, if you’re in a rural area there may seem to be a lack of available services. Although the increasing number of virtual agencies such as hours has done a lot to fill that need. Second, there’s often a stigma around seeking help for your marriage. Especially for men. Men tend to act more self-reliant and more in control and so we’re less inclined to seek help regarding emotional issues. Researchers note that typical masculine beliefs such as self-reliance and emotional suppression are negatively correlated to a willingness to get help. So the stronger those things are in a guy’s character, the less willing he will be to get help. Typically. One study even found that most men would only consider marital counseling appropriate in situations relating to divorce or abuse[iii]. Obviously, we think there’s a lot of other reasons you’d want to consider counseling: hopefully before you get to a place where divorce is on the table. Of course, women are not immune to stigma either. Seeking marriage counseling can be seen as an admission that your marriage is failing. That’s a difficult admission. That requires you to recognize the seriousness of your problems and open yourself up to scrutiny. Some even fear that getting counseling may be dangerous to the relationship: by admitting how serious the problems are, you may feel that you are signaling the end of the relationship[iv]. So taking that step towards counseling is certainly courageous. There are other variables too. Women are much more likely to want to seek help than men. Interestingly, older couples are generally more willing to seek external help. That fits what I see in my practice: I think the statistic is that half of divorces (not marriages) occur in the first 7 years of marriage. I rarely see couples in counseling in the single digits of their marriage. And yet, that’s a great time to do counseling: taking the step of spotting your challenges early and getting help before they become massive issues can save you a lot of trouble later on down the line. There are also socioeconomic factors: couples who are more well off, and couples who are more highly educated are more likely to seek marriage counseling, presumably due to being more aware of the benefits it can offer, and having the financial resources to utilize it. Of course, money doesn’t have to be a limitation: learning to budget and making this a priority in your spending can help you overcome any financial barriers. Your marriage is definitely worth investing in! Stages of Help Seeking So let’s say one of you is keen to give marriage counseling a try, and your spouse is a little reluctant. I think it’s worth noting that there are stages people go through when seeking help. If you know what the stages are, you may see your spouse’s indifference to counseling as merely a timing issue. That’s a possibility, right? The three stages are: Problem recognition: realizing that the marriage has problems that need resolving. Treatment consideration: deciding whether to look for counseling Treatment seeking: looking for help and considering different types of help On average, women complete all three steps more quickly than men do, so often the wife is ready to enter marriage counseling before her husband[v]. So if your husband is engaged with this process and is actually thinking about the need for help, it may be wise to give him time and space to work through each step, and just recognize that it may take him longer. Try to Intervene Early I’m always the guy who, when the car is making some odd noise, is hoping it will just go away on its own. I live in denial of the “problem recognition” stage for too long! I think that happens around the counseling issue too. Of course, couples are often most motivated to seek marriage counseling when their distress is highest and their relationship satisfaction is lowest. This is because high marital distress is a strong motivator to get help, and until distress is high other issues may act as barriers to desiring help. Further, many couples only attempt counseling once divorce is something they are seriously considering[vi], and when their levels of hope for the marriage are at their lowest[vii]. While that is very motivating it is also a more challenging starting point. I would encourage even healthy, happy marriages, that it would be good to chat to your spouse on an upbeat day when you guys are getting along well and agree that counseling is something you’ll both commit to being open to. Open to when one spouse asks for it, and open to starting one before things get really tough. See, motivating your spouse to enter counseling earlier, before the marriage develops serious problems, makes restoring the marriage much easier. One way of doing this could be looking for less intensive forms of help which are more focused on supporting marriages, rather than helping couples who are already very distressed. For example, a study in 2005[viii] developed an intervention called the "Marriage Check-up" designed for couples who were at risk of developing marital problems but were not yet in high levels of distress. They found that by advertising the course as being educational and "available to all married couples interested in learning about their marriage", and making no mention of distress or conflict, they were able to attract a large number of at-risk couples who would otherwise not have considered marriage counseling. That’s one way to move towards counseling in a more step-wise fashion rather than just taking a big leap. We offer a similar checkup at OnlyYouForever. Another takeaway from this point is that if one spouse is trying to motivate his/her husband/wife into counseling, the way you phrase the request may be important. Talking about "learning about our marriage" and "checking-up on how things are going" and "learning new skills" rather than saying "we need help" or viewing counseling as a last resort may provide more motivation and get you into counseling before serious problems develop[ix]. Understanding Motivation Finally, we need to talk a little about understanding how to create and foster motivation. Normalizing Counseling To begin with, one simple observation is that people are more willing to attend counseling if they are made aware that the challenges they are facing are common[x]. This helps reduce the perceived social stigma around getting help. I know a lot of church and ministry leaders listen to our show: please, talk about getting counseling as a normal experience of human growth and development. The more we can normalize this, the lower the barrier to entry for others who have not yet tried working with a professional counselor. Knowledge of Counseling Services A study in 1991[xi] found that knowledge of the services available to couples, and prior experience of these services, were linked to higher motivation to seek counseling help. Many couples who are not motivated to get external help are simply unaware of the types of help available, or unaware of what counseling might involve. In this study, 21% of men and 29% of women had never heard of marriage counseling. So simply helping your spouse become more aware of counseling services can help them decide to seek help. Our episode on how marriage counseling works would be a good start. Pay Attention to Attitudes and Expectations Expectations are also a huge part of this. A study in 2007[xii] found that an individual's expectations of what marital counseling will be like, and how useful it will be, are the strongest predictor of how willing they are to attend. So it is important to manage expectations. There are several factors within this: Some individuals (often men) feel that asking for help in any situation is a sign of weakness, and self-reliance is better. This is linked to the stigma around seeking professional help with your marriage. Challenging this belief and helping them see that things would be better if they were willing to seek help can begin to resolve this. At some core level, we all understand this. In fact, I think that probably every superhero movie has in it a character who is a guide for the superhero. If I’m going to be a superhero husband, it’s reasonable to consider that I am going to need a guide. Then there are expectations of what will happen: individuals may be fearful of going to counseling due to fearing that they will be "

How To Handle Chronic Health Problems in Marriage Aug 15, 2018

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It seems like with chronic illness in marriage you either hear the extremes of horror stories or, on the other end of the spectrum, some very beautiful stories. I’ve heard of a wife getting a bad form of cancer, the husband deciding he just didn’t want to deal with that and bailing out on her. And then there’s a much-loved couple in our own church and she developed Alzheimer’s fairly young and his response has been to double down on his faithfulness and care for her, saying, “I guess it’s my turn to pull the wagon now”. Any kind of long-term illness can be extremely tough for married couples as one spouse struggles to cope with the symptoms and effects of illness and the other takes on a carer role, trying their best to look after their ailing spouse. It looks very different for each spouse, but for both it can be hard to know how to cope. Instead of focusing on individual things each spouse can do, it is helpful to think in terms of joint coping: both spouses taking responsibility for coping with the illness and sharing stressors and resources[i]. Joint Coping with Health Problems What you need to know is the way you interact and respond to each other's coping strategies is just as important as the strategies themselves. For example, the non-ill spouse needs to be able to see what kind of support the ill spouse (called the "patient spouse" in the research) is in need of at any given time: do they need practical support, problem-solving, or emotional reassurance? Coping as a couple is affected by two main factors: the patient and spouse's "appraisal" or understanding of the illness, and the coping strategies they use to deal with it. Appraisal of Illness How the patient and their spouse each view the illness will affect how well they support each other through it. There are three specific issues that we want to draw your attention to[ii]: Understanding of the Illness Do both spouses fully understand the nature, possible duration, and consequences of the illness? If an understanding of the illness differs between spouses this will naturally lead to different expectations of how much support is needed (e.g., if the spouse thinks the illness is not a very big deal then they will naturally put less effort into helping the patient spouse cope). So we want to be sure that both parties understand the scope and prognosis of the illness. Ownership of Illness Is the illness viewed as a joint problem, or as the patent spouse's problem which the other spouse may or may not be required to help with? Mismatches on this will again naturally lead to ineffective coping. This also raises the issue of togetherness: is the illness your problem or is it our problem? Broader Context How much support do you expect from your spouse, based on culture, family of origin etc? Were you raised to share all burdens between you, or to respect their independence and dignity by being more hands off? Again, different expectations here could lead to poor coping. Different appraisals or expectations in these areas can lead to poor coping with the illness, so couples should try to make sure they are on the same page regarding the nature of the illness and how much support is required/desired. Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage When you look at all the ways a spouse can support their patient spouse, they fall into two main categories[iii]: Problem-focused: providing practical support such as helping provide or facilitate treatment, assisting with practical needs or taking care of needs and responsibilities while the patient spouse is unable to Emotion-focused: providing emotional support to help the patient cope with the stress of the illness Problem-Focused Each of these styles of coping can be either helpful or unhelpful, depending on what you do. Helpful problem-focused coping is often referred to as "active engagement": both spouses taking an active role in discussions with doctors, researching treatment options, brainstorming ideas and solving all the little daily problems that the illness can throw up. This style of active engagement leads to improved mood, sense of self-efficacy and marital satisfaction for both spouses and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression for the patient, but only when both spouses were equally engaged[iv]. Unhelpful problem solving could include taking too much control, forcing the patient spouse to try a certain form of treatment when they don't want to, underestimating the patient spouse's own ability to look after themselves, etc. Many ill spouses find that there’s a fine line between their spouse wanting to help, and wanting to take control. These domineering strategies often lead to lower marital satisfaction and higher rates of distress for both spouses, and can even increase the patient spouse’s symptoms and pain levels. Emotion-Focused Good emotion-focused coping includes normal marital communication things like listening, showing affection, self-disclosure, emotional responsiveness etc. Unhelpful emotion coping could include encouraging the patient spouse to avoid facing the reality of the illness or minimizing the seriousness of the illness. "Buffering"- where the one spouse hides their true worries and emotions due to fear of causing their spouse further distress- is also considered an unhelpful strategy. All of these can reduce marital satisfaction and increase distress. Levels of Spouse Involvement You’ve probably witnessed other friends/couples going through a health crisis. And like I mentioned at the start, there’s often some extremes we go to in times of crisis. Well, a research paper written in 2007[v] describes four levels of support the patient perceives that they receive from their spouse. Note these are about the patient spouse's perceptions, not necessarily actual levels of support Uninvolvement: patient believes they are coping with the illness alone Support: spouse offers some emotional/practical support but it is still mainly the patient spouse's problem to deal with Collaboration: taking joint responsibility, joint problem solving Over-involvement: patient spouse feels their spouse is too involved, taking control or being over-protective. Generally, collaboration is seen as the best way to cope, although some spouses may be happy just receiving support and not needing joint responsibility for the illness. But I think this is a good checkpoint to stop and have that conversation with your spouse to see if you are providing an appropriate level of support. You see, it’s quite easy for this to go a little haywire. If the patient spouse perceives that they are receiving no support from their spouse, and the spouse thinks they are providing lots of help, this becomes a case of "invisible support", where the patient spouse feels ignored or abandoned, and the other spouse feels unappreciated, leading to low levels of coping and marital satisfaction for both[vi]. Spouses, therefore, cope most effectively when they agree on how and what support is to be provided. Caregiver Self-Care Using helpful coping strategies, having the same understanding/appraisals, and finding the right balance of problem and emotion-focused support can reduce distress, pain, depression and even mortality rates for the patient spouse[vii]. These strategies also increase marital satisfaction and reduce distress for both the patient and their spouse. However, some research (not all) suggests that increasing the amount of care you provide for your spouse can increase the distress, depression, and anxiety you experience as a caregiver, so the non-patient spouse needs to find ways to cope with the situation too. This is something that can be pretty easy to overlook. So how are you coping? Here are some suggestions: Keep relying on your spouse emotionally: don't let the illness be a barrier to still confiding in and relying on your spouse. Remember that emotional support from the patient spouse is a strong protective factor for the other spouse[viii]. Also, feeling like they can no longer support you and meet your expectations is a major source of distress for the patient spouse[ix]. So it is good to give your patient spouse the opportunity to return some care to you as well. Outside social support: support from friends acts as a stress-reducing buffer during especially difficult times. Individuals with stronger support networks are much more able to cope with the demands of a chronically ill spouse[x]. Overall we hope this has been an encouraging episode for you. A chronic illness can be a major factor in your lives but it doesn’t necessarily have to lead to an unhappy marriage! References [i] Cynthia A. Berg and Renn Upchurch, “A Developmental-Contextual Model of Couples Coping with Chronic Illness across the Adult Life Span,” Psychological Bulletin 133, no. 6 (November 2007): 920–54, https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.133.6.920. [ii] Berg and Upchurch. [iii] Berg and Upchurch. [iv] Berg and Upchurch. [v] Berg and Upchurch. [vi] Berg and Upchurch. [vii] Lynn M. Martire et al., “Is It Beneficial to Involve a Family Member? A Meta-Analysis of Psychosocial Interventions for Chronic Illness,” Health Psychology: Official Journal of the Division of Health Psychology, American Psychological Association 23, no. 6 (November 2004): 599–611, https://doi.org/10.1037/0278-6133.23.6.599. [viii] T. A. Revenson and S. D. Majerovitz, “The Effects of Chronic Illness on the Spouse. Social Resources as Stress Buffers,” Arthritis Care and Research: The Official Journal of the Arthritis Health Professions Association 4, no. 2 (June 1991): 63–72. [ix] Berg and Upchurch, “A Developmental-Contextual Model of Couples Coping with Chronic Illness across the Adult Life Span.” [x] Revenson and Majerovitz, “The Effects of Chronic Illness on the Spouse. Social Resources as Stress Buffers.”

The Hidden Costs of Marriage Problems Aug 08, 2018

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Life gets really busy and difficult to manage sometimes, and as we encounter some challenges we can lose sight of the forest for the trees. Maybe we have some unexplained health problems or even problems at work and we wonder what is going on? Obviously, there are many potential reasons, but have you considered that your unhappy marriage could be an underlying issue? Today’s topic looks at problems caused by marriage problems. Obviously, the goal here is not to make you want to give up on your marriage, but rather, instead of thinking about solving your other problems so that your marriage will be better…what if you START with your marriage? Get into some good books or some marriage counselling with your spouse and get that sorted, and then see the cascading benefits of a happy marriage spill over into other areas. So hear us out as we go through various facets of life and see what resonates. This is meant to be an eye opener, so just be curious and consider how helping your marriage could be a huge benefit to other areas in your life. The first hidden cost of marriage problems for us to discuss is the area of mental health. Mental Health Is Impacted by Marital Woes Not surprisingly, research shows a strong link between marital problems and poor mental health. For example, a major study in 2007[i] examined over 2000 married individuals and found that marital distress was a predictor of high levels of anxiety, mood disruption, and substance abuse. It was also linked to specific mental health conditions including bipolar disorder, alcohol abuse disorder, depression and general anxiety disorder. For depression, it was found that the longer the marital problems go on, the higher the risk becomes. Again, we want to assert that the solution is not to get un-married! But rather to pursue the healing of your marriage! How do marital woes potentially contribute to mental health problems? Another study in 2005[ii] examined how marital distress can create mental health problems and found several mediating factors: Attribution style (see below — basically, you’re more likely to pay attention to negative things) Conflict style: especially demand-withdraw cycles and avoidance of conflict. These are normal patterns for distressed marriages. Attachment style: ambivalent or avoidant attachment. Not pursuing healing for attachment issues can impact mental health. The flip side of this is you can see that marriage becomes something of a crucible for personal growth. Getting these conflict, attribution and attachment issues dealt with can turn your mental health challenges around. Again, another reason to stay in your marriage and sort this stuff out. Really, if you just go for escape you’re going to carry the same issues to the next marriage. Physical Health Costs from Marriage Problems The impact of marriage problems extends into the physical realm as well. Research from 1997[iii] found that high levels of conflict and marital distress lead to various physical health problems, such as higher blood pressure and a weaker immune system. This effect was stronger for women than for men. One explanation for the gender effect is that women typically feel and express more negative emotions during conflict while men withdraw emotionally (known as the demand-withdraw cycle). It is this negative emotion and stress which causes the negative health effects[iv]. Of course, emotionally withdrawing isn’t going to be good for your marriage or your mental health, so we’re not saying that’s the better strategy here! Other research highlights other health concerns for couples with low relationship satisfaction, such as higher risk of cardiovascular disease and even the possibility of higher mortality[v]. Again this effect is stronger for women than men. Marriage Difficulties Influence Work as Well Conflict and distress in your marriage can spill over into other areas of your life, particularly work. Everyone has a limited amount of mental and physical "resources" to manage their different roles and stress in one area, therefore, affects your ability to function in another[vi]. This can lead to problems at work such as: Poor performance at work Higher absence due to sickness and stress Higher rates of burnout More conflict with work colleagues Unfortunately this lack of resources and increased strain can spill over into parenting as well. Marital Problems Impact Children, Too Marital problems, especially high levels of conflict and hostility, have a negative impact on children. Children whose parents display high levels of conflict often show problems such as anxiety, high levels of aggression, poorer emotional regulation ability, and lower levels of wellbeing overall[vii]. You see, parental conflict, especially if left unresolved, can damage a child's sense of emotional security. Because of the conflict, the child comes to feel unsafe with their parents or inside he or she will carry the fear that the family will split apart. This lack of security can affect children's wellbeing into their adult lives[viii]. So your marital issues, if poorly handled, can have long-term consequences not just for you but for your children too From Bad to Worse (Attributions) Here’s the tricky part. Once things are going badly, it’s easier for them to keep going badly. The state of your marriage affects how you interpret the actions of your spouse. In a distressed marriage, you are more likely to pay attention to negative things your spouse says and does while ignoring or misinterpreting the good things[ix]. When your perceptions of your spouse are already bad, you are more likely to interpret positive actions as being false or manipulative, or dismiss them as one-offs. At the same time, you will interpret negative actions as being deliberate, intended to hurt you and a true reflection of who they are as a person[x]. And this cycle keeps on going. Marital distress leads to negative attributions and interpretations. Negative attributions lead to further marital distress[xi] So unless you consciously work to break out of this negative interaction style, things will only get worse. The Cost of Divorce Ultimately, severe marital problems can reduce the stability of the marriage and lead to divorce. While divorce is often pitched in popular media as a good way to escape the consequences of marital distress, it has its own very substantial range of negative consequences. Many researchers finding that divorced individuals are worse off than those who choose to stay in distressed marriages even[xii]. The consequences of divorce include: Lower well-being and happiness More symptoms of stress and mental illness: one study[xiii] found the risk of depression to be 188% higher in divorced individuals than married More health problems Higher rates of unhealthy alcohol consumption Greater risk of mortality Poorer self-esteem Higher levels of loneliness and social isolation Divorce also has major economic consequences. Divorced individuals are generally less well off than married couples, experience greater economic hardship and have a lower standard of living[xiv]. I read once that the average divorcee experiences the loss of 77% of their net worth. Divorced parents also experience more difficulties in raising their children. Children whose parents divorce are at risk from a range of bad outcomes including lower self-esteem, lower academic achievement, lower well-being overall and behavioral problems[xv]. Are the negative effects of divorce temporary? Not always. Some people experience a dip in their wellbeing that can last 2 to 3 years following the divorce, but for others, the negative consequences of divorce put them on a "negative trajectory from which they might never fully recover[xvi]". We come back to the reason why put the effort into our marriage podcast that we do. We want to bring you honest, if sometimes difficult, truth from credible sources to help you recover, restore and rebuild your marriage because we believe that for almost all couples, that is indeed the best way forward. We also have a top-shelf marriage therapist employed in our virtual counseling agency who can help you do this work if you haven’t been able to restore things on your own. Just reach out to us through our website and we’d be very happy to help. References [i] Mark A. Whisman, “Marital Distress and DSM-IV Psychiatric Disorders in a Population-Based National Survey,” Journal of Abnormal Psychology 116, no. 3 (2007): 638–43, https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.116.3.638. [ii] Els L. D. Heene, Ann Buysse, and Paulette Van Oost, “Indirect Pathways Between Depressive Symptoms and Marital Distress: The Role of Conflict Communication, Attributions, and Attachment Style,” Family Process 44, no. 4 (n.d.): 413–40, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2005.00070.x. [iii] Tracy J. Mayne et al., “The Differential Effects of Acute Marital Distress on Emotional, Physiological and Immune Functions in Maritally Distressed Men and Women,” Psychology & Health 12, no. 2 (March 1, 1997): 277–88, https://doi.org/10.1080/08870449708407405. [iv] Mayne et al. [v] Linda C. Gallo et al., “Marital Status and Quality in Middle-Aged Women: Associations with Levels and Trajectories of Cardiovascular Risk Factors,” Health Psychology: Official Journal of the Division of Health Psychology, American Psychological Association 22, no. 5 (September 2003): 453–63, https://doi.org/10.1037/0278-6133.22.5.453. [vi] Alicia A. Grandey and Russell Cropanzano, “The Conservation of Resources Model Applied to Work–Family Conflict and Strain,” Journal of Vocational Behavior 54, no. 2 (1999): 350–70. [vii] Patrick T. Davies and E. Mark Cummings, “Marital Conflict and Child Adjustment: An Emotional Security Hypothesis.,” Psychological Bulletin 116, no. 3 (1994): 387. ...

When Your Spouse Constantly Criticizes: Holding Onto Self Worth Aug 01, 2018

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You told a story at a friend's house tonight, the one about the flat tire, and people laughed. In the car on the way home your spouse tells you that you got the year wrong, that you talked too long, that you always make yourself the hero. You say nothing, because saying something makes it a longer drive. The next time you are at a table with friends, you notice you are quieter. You had a story. You ran it past the voice in your head first, and the voice said no. https://youtu.be/Kg9lM1yWDOE When your spouse constantly criticizes you, that quiet at the table is where the injury shows. Constant criticism from a spouse erodes self-worth by turning their distorted view of you into the view you use on yourself, and it does that through your attachment system and your nervous system, not through any flaw in your character. That is the mechanism, and it is also the reason the damage can be undone. The criticism itself hurts, and we will get to why it hurts more than criticism from anyone else. But the deeper damage is what happens after months or years of it: you stop checking your spouse's picture of you against reality and start living from it. Think of a funhouse mirror. Stand in front of one for a minute and you laugh, because you can see it is wrong. Live in a house where every mirror is that mirror, and after long enough you stop laughing and start dressing for the reflection. This article is about how that happens, how to tell whether you are in a critical rut or in something more serious, and how you get your own reflection back. What Constant Criticism Does to How You See Yourself In Verlynda's work with Emotionally Focused Therapy, an attachment injury is a moment of real need where the person you depend on is not there for you, and the bond takes the hit. The classic version is a single event: a partner absent at a hospital bedside, a betrayal on the worst day of your life. What we see with chronic criticism is the same injury delivered in installments. No single correction is a catastrophe. Each one is a small moment where you reached, in the ordinary way people reach for their spouse a hundred times a day, and got a verdict instead of a welcome. Your nervous system does not keep those moments separate. It tallies them. And when the tally says the one person who is supposed to know you best keeps finding you wanting, the mind does something we see in session over and over: it fills in a story about why. The story is rarely "my spouse is struggling." The story is "I'll never measure up." "I can't do anything right." "I'm not enough." Those three sentences, or ones very like them, show up in our couples work so reliably that we can almost predict the wording before the client says it. The story is doing two jobs at once, and this is why it sticks. It is self-protective, because if the problem is you, then in theory you can fix it, and that feels better than helplessness. And it is self-attacking, because it makes you the cause. You have been collecting evidence against yourself and calling it insight. A mirror is only useful if you check it against something outside the glass. Early on, you did: you remembered that your friends think you are capable, that your last boss promoted you, that you were fine before this. Over time, the checking stops. The distorted image becomes the default, and you start pre-editing yourself to fit it: speaking less, offering less, taking up less room. That shrinking looks like withdrawal from the outside, and it usually invites more criticism, which we will come back to. None of this means you are weak or overly dependent. It means you are attached. The people we are bonded to have access to our sense of self that nobody else has. That access is the feature that makes marriage able to heal old wounds, and it is the same access that lets marriage inflict new ones. Why Your Body Reacts Before Your Mind Does You may have noticed that you react to your spouse's criticism physically before you have had a single thought about it. The stomach drop, the heat in the face, the sudden urge to leave the room or to explain yourself in detail. That is not oversensitivity. It is threat physiology, and it is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Stress researchers have spent decades sorting out which situations reliably set off the body's stress hormone response and which do not. A meta-analysis of 208 laboratory studies led by Sally Dickerson and Margaret Kemeny, published in Psychological Bulletin, found that the two ingredients that produce the largest cortisol response, and the slowest recovery afterward, are social-evaluative threat (the possibility of being judged by someone whose opinion matters) and uncontrollability (nothing you do reliably changes the outcome). Chronic criticism from a spouse tends to carry both at once. The judge is the person whose opinion matters most, and for many criticized partners, trying harder does not reliably make the criticism stop. So your body starts bracing before the criticism arrives. Research on people who perceive high levels of criticism from a close relative, published in Psychoneuroendocrinology, found they expected and perceived more criticism during a stressful task and mobilized fewer resources to cope with it, as if the body had already decided the fight was lost. That is the physiology of walking on eggshells: a nervous system that has learned the environment is unpredictable and has switched from responding to anticipating. This is why the effects of constant criticism show up as depression and exhaustion rather than just hurt feelings. The English Longitudinal Study of Ageing followed more than 8,000 adults for 17 years, and researchers publishing in Translational Psychiatry found a dose-response pattern: people who reported "a lot" of criticism from their spouse had more than twice the risk of developing clinically significant depressive symptoms compared to people who reported none. "Some" criticism raised the risk by about a third. "A little" made no measurable difference. The problem was never that your spouse has opinions. The problem is the dose. Why one bad Tuesday stops washing off by Thursday One of the clearest markers of how far the erosion has gone is whether a bad moment washes off, rather than how bad it felt at the time. Sandra Murray and her colleagues had married partners keep daily diaries for three weeks for a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Partners who generally felt well regarded by their spouse had a striking pattern: after a day of feeling doubtful about themselves, they went looking for reassurance and found it, and by the next day they felt more loved, not less. Partners who chronically felt less regarded did the opposite. They internalized the bad day. After a moment of feeling rejected, they felt worse about themselves on the days that followed. We see the same thing in the room. A partner tells us about a criticism from four days ago as if it happened at breakfast. Their spouse has moved on and does not understand why it is still live. It is still live because the recovery system that used to clear it has gone offline. If you have noticed that single comments now stay with you for days, that does not prove the comment was true. It may mean your sense of being okay has become contingent on your spouse's regard, and that the buffer you used to have is worn thin. "Am I Just Too Sensitive?" If you have asked yourself some version of that question, it was probably because your spouse asked it first. It is a trap, because it demands a verdict: either the criticism is fair and you are fragile, or the criticism is unfair and you are the victim. Neither answer helps you. In our individual work with clients, the more useful question is where the sensitivity came from. Sometimes it was learned early, as a necessary survival strategy: a child in a critical or unpredictable home learns to read faces and tones for danger, because reading them accurately kept them safer. That watchfulness follows a person into adulthood, where trauma therapists call it hypervigilance, and it does not switch off just because the household changed. Of course you would flinch at a sharp tone. Your nervous system was trained to. Other times, the sensitivity is not the thing that was installed. The message "you're too sensitive" is. If you heard that sentence often enough growing up, or have heard it enough from your spouse, your nervous system parked on it because it made sense of the pain: if I am the problem, the pain has a reason. Either way, the answer to "am I too sensitive" is not yes or no. It is "let's find out what your sensitivity has been protecting you from, and whether it still needs to." What the Criticism Is Usually Doing for Your Spouse You cannot get your own reflection back without an accurate picture of the person holding the mirror. In our experience, the constantly critical spouse is usually in the pursuer position: anxious about the connection, unable to sit with distance, and reaching for contact in a scrambled way. Criticism, for a pursuer, is a bid for contact that comes out as an attack. It comes out as "you never do this right" because "I feel far from you and I don't know how to say it" is too vulnerable. And it keeps coming because it works, in the narrowest sense: it gets a reaction, and to an anxious attachment system, any reaction is better than no reaction. Silence is the thing they cannot bear. That is also why defensiveness, the most natural reply to an attack, so rarely settles anything: to the pursuer, a defense is still a reaction, and the bid keeps going. Three other factors are worth checking. The first is attribution: a spouse who is unhappy with the marriage, or with their own life, will read your ordinary behavior through that unhappiness and find fault where a contented spouse would find nothing....

Benefits of Marriage: 5 Research-Backed Benefits of a Happy Marriage Jul 18, 2018

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If you have ever wondered whether the work of building a thriving marriage is worth it, the research is clear. The benefits of marriage are real, measurable, and far-reaching. But there is one important catch that most articles on this topic skip past: those benefits do not flow from being legally married. They flow from being happily married. This distinction matters. A growing body of psychological research finds that marital quality, not marital status alone, is closely tied to nearly every benefit on this list. A happy marriage protects your health, extends your life, deepens your sense of purpose, and grounds your day-to-day happiness in ways that research finds are less consistent in single, cohabiting, and unhappily married groups. An unhappy marriage, by contrast, can do the opposite. So if you are in the trenches fighting for your marriage today, this is for you. We want to give you a clear, research-backed picture of what you are fighting for. Below are the top 5 benefits of a happy marriage, drawn from peer-reviewed psychology journals and our own years of clinical work with couples. We are working from the fifth benefit back to the first. What the Research Actually Shows About the Benefits of Marriage Most of the social science literature on marriage shares a striking pattern. When researchers compare married people to single, cohabiting, or divorced people on outcomes like health, longevity, life satisfaction, and happiness, married people generally come out ahead. But when those same researchers dig into what is actually doing the work, they find that the benefit comes from the quality of the relationship, not from the legal status itself. People in high-conflict, low-satisfaction marriages often fare worse than single people on the same outcomes. People in supportive, satisfying marriages reliably do better. The wedding ring is not the active ingredient. The friendship, attunement, support, and sense of being known by your spouse is the active ingredient. Keep that lens in mind as you read the rest of this article. Each benefit below is something a happy marriage offers you. Each benefit also tells you something about why working on the quality of your marriage is one of the most important investments you can make. #5: Personal Growth The research consistently shows that a happy marriage helps both spouses grow, individually and as a couple. This shows up on three different fronts. Personal Goals It is easier to meet personal challenges when you know someone has your back. Married people often report that the level of support they get from their spouse is the strongest determining factor in how well they achieve their personal goals [i]. Your support of your spouse makes a measurable difference in their life. With your support, your spouse feels secure enough, and has enough practical and emotional assistance, to aim for the things that matter most to them. So creating a happy marriage ends up setting the stage for helping each other achieve personal goals. It is not hard to see how a distressed marriage takes up so much energy that personal goals fall off the table entirely. Resilience A 2011 study [ii] found that overcoming stressful circumstances together early in marriage made couples far more able to deal with stress later in life. High marital satisfaction, especially good communication and support, helped couples build up resilience to stress, which in turn helped them adjust to major life events such as the transition to parenthood. Other research shows that high marital quality helps couples cope with difficult circumstances such as financial pressure and chronic illness [iii]. This is one of the things we see most often in our work. Couples who do the hard repair work after a fight, after a betrayal, after a job loss, do not just recover. They get sturdier. They develop a shared toolkit for the next stressor, and the next one after that. A happy marriage becomes a safe harbor where you recharge for whatever life throws at you next. Growing Together When your marriage is going well, you start to embody the traits you admire in each other. High satisfaction with your marriage, and with who your spouse is, naturally leads to admiration. When couples admire each other, they work to embody the positive traits they see in each other. In a well-functioning marriage, both spouses sharpen each other and help make each other better people [iv]. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). That is the principle at work here, and it shows up in measurable ways across decades of marriage research. Personal goals, resilience, and shaping each other for the better all reinforce each other in a happy marriage. Together they show how a happy marriage can fuel personal growth in unusually powerful ways. That alone is a significant reason to invest in the quality of your relationship. #4: Health Benefits of a Happy Marriage High marital satisfaction has measurable positive effects on both physical and mental health. The research finds this happens through several pathways [v]: Lower stress. Couples in a happy, low-conflict marriage tend to experience lower baseline stress, which is associated with lower blood pressure, reduced risk of heart disease, better sleep, greater resistance to illness, and stronger overall mental health. Practical and emotional support. A happy marriage gives you a built-in incentive to take care of yourself physically. Your spouse provides emotional support that buffers against mental health challenges, and rates of depression are lower in happily married couples. Combined resources. Married couples are often more financially stable than single people, which makes preventive care, healthy food, and physical activity more accessible. Higher baseline happiness. Greater day-to-day happiness and life satisfaction are themselves protective against mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. You can see how these factors begin to compound. In a happy marriage, physical health, mental health, financial stability, and emotional support can start reinforcing each other. None of this happens automatically just by getting married. It happens when both spouses invest in keeping the marriage healthy. #3: Longevity There is also a measurable impact on how long you live. When researchers look for the strongest predictors of a long life, the data consistently points back to the same place. Studies link marital satisfaction with longer lifespan and reduced mortality [vi]. This pattern shows up for both husbands and wives. Why? Researchers who looked into this back in 1995 [vii] argued that having a spouse with whom you share a strong bond can encourage healthier choices and more consistent self-care. People living alone often have less incentive to monitor their health and no one to flag concerning patterns. Rates of unhealthy behaviors like smoking and excessive drinking are also higher in unmarried (and unhappily married) people. Being happily married means your spouse will naturally check in on you, encourage healthy behavior, and offer practical support during illness. But it also creates an internal motivation. You take care of yourself because your life is bound up with someone else's, and you do not want to leave them prematurely. The emotional bond drives the physical health behaviors that compound into a longer life. Marital satisfaction also increases happiness and protects against the mental health struggles that themselves increase mortality risk. The link from emotional health to physical longevity is one of the most consistent findings in the literature. #2: Life Satisfaction and Purpose A happy marriage is more than the sum of day-to-day positive moments. It is also one of the strongest predictors of overall life satisfaction [viii]. Life satisfaction refers to whether you believe you have lived your life well, are happy with the choices you have made, and feel hopeful about the future. Pause and think about that. What are you anchoring your sense of a life well-lived on right now? Is it a financial outcome? Launching kids or grandkids into college? Some of those things are noble; some are merely material. The research suggests something else should sit at the core of how you measure your life: a happy marriage. For our readers who hold a Christian view of marriage, this lines up with the picture of marriage as a covenant that mirrors something larger about love and faithfulness, not just a contract for shared logistics. Marital satisfaction is also strongly linked to a sense of purpose and meaning in life. A 1996 study [ix] found that intimacy in marriage is the strongest predictor of both life satisfaction and a sense of meaning. This is one worth a self-check. Are you looking for meaning in the right places? It is easy to get distracted by goals that feel productive but are not actually load-bearing. We see this often in the office. People come in worn down by years of climbing some other ladder, only to realize that the relationships they neglected along the way were the thing that would have made the climb feel worth it. A happy marriage belongs at or very near the top of the list. #1: Happiness (and Its Ripple Effects) This brings us back to where we started. Marital happiness is very strongly linked to overall day-to-day happiness [x], and a good marriage is often considered the strongest single predictor of global happiness. One often-cited 1988 study [xi] collected data on more than 1,500 participants about their overall happiness and their happiness in specific areas, including marriage, work, finances, community, and health. Marital happiness was more strongly linked to overall happiness than any of the other factors studied. That is worth sitting with. Happiness in your marriage moves the needle on your overall happiness more than your job, more than your finances,...

How Much Joy Is in Your Marriage? Jul 11, 2018

Show notes

It’s hard to kick this episode off without thinking of that old Sunday School song, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart!” Joy is that feeling of great pleasure and happiness that fills us in a more lasting way than a situational happiness. It’s something we believe can be a huge blessing in marriage so we want to help you figure out how to start increasing the joy you feel today. Joy is considered one of the six "basic emotions", capable of being felt, expressed and recognized by anyone, regardless of culture. In case you were wondering, the others are sadness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust.[i] I call these primary emotions: what they look like may vary from culture to culture: e.g., think of how sadness is expressed in our culture vs. in some African cultures. Ours is fairly reserved and silent wherein some African cultures there is a very vocal, collective wailing when expressing sadness. Yes, there is this primary emotion but it may look different for different cultures. Joy is one of those primary emotions. Happiness vs. Joy Happiness and joy are sometimes thought of as the same. But research, philosophy, and literature often describe happiness as something temporary, to be chased after and experienced, while joy is something deeper and more long lasting[ii]. People often talk about "finding happiness" but being "filled with joy". Happiness is more situational: some things make you happy and some things make you unhappy. Joy is something you carry with you and bring into situations so that you can have joy even in unpleasant circumstances[iii]. One verse in the Bible that really points out the deeper nature of joy is Romans 14:17 "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” (ESV). I think this underscores the point that it’s not so much a momentary experience … like, wow, that was an awesome supper, but more of an abiding experience that is grounded deep within the human soul. Joy in Your Genes? The depth to which it is rooted in our being is something that has even caught the interest of geneticists. Research shows that there may be a genetic component to long-term happiness. People are said to have "baseline" level of joy determined by their personality, genes or upbringing. Their daily levels of happiness can go up and down from here but will naturally return to this baseline level[iv]. Research also suggests that as much as 50% of your overall level of joy (lifetime happiness) is accounted for by your personality and genetics. Only 10% is related to your circumstances, and 40% is to do with the activities you choose to take part in[v]. I’m not sure how they arrived at those figures but this means that some people will naturally find it easier to experience joy than others. However, it is possible to increase your baseline level of joy, through developing positive personality traits and engaging in activities that increase your happiness, which we’ll look into in a moment. When you do so, your daily variations in happiness will all revolve around this new fixed point. So your happiness levels will be higher regardless of circumstances. In other words, we arrive with a certain baseline but we can still move the needle. And if you could move the needle on your joy starting from today, how would that impact your marriage? Increasing Joy Let’s now look at exactly how you can have more joy in your marriage. There are a few things to consider. Attentiveness Impacts Joy A study in 2000[vi] assessed 43 couples to find out what were the biggest factors affecting their long-term levels of joy. Two of the strongest predictors of joy were: Expressions of fondness Awareness of and attentiveness to the marriage and to the needs of your spouse So those are two great things to start working on in your marriage right away. Friendship Stimulates Joy One of the biggest reasons to be joyful in life is a happy, passionate marriage. A healthy marriage increases joy and life satisfaction overall, but lifelong happiness is twice as high in married couples who are also best friends as it is in other couples[vii]. Day-to-day and lifelong joy are also impacted by your spouse's sense of humor: humor that is playful and benign (ie not sarcastic or mean) and refers to shared experiences can increase levels of joy felt in the marriage[viii]. A study in 1998[ix] found that being involved in work and personal projects which fit with who you are as a person creates a sense of purpose and meaning for your life. This isn't the same as simply doing well in life: it's about working towards things that matter to you personally. This integrity is strongly linked to higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction. The most important aspect of this meaning is consistently being yourself: "Just as a book becomes meaningful when its characters and themes are coherently related, the defining characteristic of personal meaning is consistency among the multifarious elements of the self[x]". They also note that being supported in these goals and personal meaning projects is a strong predictor of life happiness[xi]. So spouses should definitely try to support each other's personal goals and aims, or better yet have shared goals you can work on together. Virtues Impact Joy A study in 2005[xii] found that practicing certain "virtues" or positive mental traits can lead to lifelong contentment and happiness. These include: Forgiveness Gratitude Self-reflection Optimism Those all look like good things to have in your marriage, right? Working on these attributes within your marriage will increase your personal wellbeing, as well as making your marriage much happier. Don't Chase After the Wrong Things Finding joy is also about what you’re not prioritizing and chasing after. Many people think that having more money, more possessions and a better lifestyle will increase the joy in their lives. But does money actually make you happy? Not really. Research shows that lack of money can make it harder to be content in life, but once a basic level of income has been reached, money has no more effect on life satisfaction[xiii]. Increases in wealth can create a temporary boost to happiness but have little effect on lasting joy. Wealth can even become an obstacle to happiness because you quickly get used to the level of money you have and start to desire more, so you end up never being satisfied[xiv]. So it’s a good self-check to make sure we have our sights set on the things that really do impact joy — not just following what the marketing world wants us to think will lead us to joy! What Are the Benefits of a Joy-Filled Marriage? Having more joy in your life is a good thing in itself! But high levels of joy and contentment with your life have a range of other benefits, including[xv]: More friends, more intimate relationships and greater social support (due to being more optimistic, easier to get on with and more fun to be around) Better ability to cooperate and work together Being more productive at work and at home, and higher income Having more energy Having greater self-control Better ability to cope with challenges Stronger immune system and longer lifespan Being more charitable and more willing to put spouse's needs first Joy. Don’t leave home without it. References [i] A. Ortony and T. J. Turner, “What’s Basic about Basic Emotions?,” Psychological Review 97, no. 3 (July 1990): 315–31. [ii] Meylysa Tseng et al., “‘ Searching for Happiness’ or" Full of Joy"? Source Domain Activation Matters,” in Annual Meeting of the Berkeley Linguistics Society, vol. 31, 2005, 359–70. [iii] Tseng et al. [iv] Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change.,” Review of General Psychology 9, no. 2 (2005): 111–31, https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.9.2.111. [v] Lyubomirsky, Sheldon, and Schkade. [vi] Alyson Fearnley Shapiro, John M. Gottman, and Sybil Carrere, “The Baby and the Marriage: Identifying Factors That Buffer against Decline in Marital Satisfaction after the First Baby Arrives,” Journal of Family Psychology 14, no. 1 (March 2000): 59–70. [vii] Shawn Grover and John Helliwell, “How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness” (Cambridge, MA: National Bureau of Economic Research, December 2014), https://doi.org/10.3386/w20794. [viii] Melissa Johari, “Humour and Marital Quality: Is Humour Style Associated with Marital Success?,” Theses and Dissertations (Comprehensive), January 1, 2004, https://scholars.wlu.ca/etd/170. [ix] I. McGregor and B. R. Little, “Personal Projects, Happiness, and Meaning: On Doing Well and Being Yourself,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 74, no. 2 (February 1998): 494–512. [x] McGregor and Little. [xi] McGregor and Little. [xii] Lyubomirsky, Sheldon, and Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change.” [xiii] Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Reprint edition (London: Penguin, 2012). [xiv] Richard A. Easterlin, “Explaining Happiness,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 100, no. 19 (September 16, 2003): 11176–83, https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1633144100. [xv] Lyubomirsky, Sheldon, and Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change.”

What To Do When Your Spouse Has Been Sexually Abused Jul 04, 2018

Show notes

There’s no doubt in 2018 that sexual abuse is a real issue and also one that is not uncommon. 16% of men and 25% of women have experienced some form of sexual abuse[i]. While a lot of the focus in recent months has been on bringing perpetrators to justice, what about the impact of sexual abuse on married life? Not only that, but how can you facilitate the healing and wholeness of your spouse if he or she has been sexually abused? As a society, we’re getting better at talking about sexual abuse and recognizing it as a serious issue that impacts a huge number of men and women. But the impact of sexual abuse on a person doesn’t go away once the perpetrator has been caught. Abuse carries on affecting a person for their entire lives and can impact all future relationships the abuse survivor forms, including their marriage. How Sexual Abuse Affects a Person I think it is important to talk about this part because there may be some of our readers who either know their spouse has been sexually abused but don’t really see exactly what the impact is, or maybe they see signs of sexual abuse but don’t know what the underlying wound is. Perhaps this may open a conversation that could help your spouse on their healing journey. A study in 2005[ii] studied a sample of 9000 American adults and found that prior sexual abuse as a child increased the risk of several issues in adulthood: Increased risk of alcohol problems: 19% of abuse survivors compared to 12% of normal population Increased risk of substance/drug abuse: 24% compared to 16% Suicide attempts: 4.1% compared to 1.5% Depression: 11.8% compared to 7.9% These effects are similar for both men and women: sexual abuse increases your likelihood of experiencing all of these issues. What I hope you see is that the increase over normal population validates the severe emotional distress that sexual abuse brings. Of course, the good news is that healing is possible. Even though history cannot be rewritten, it is possible to recover from the trauma of sexual abuse. Let’s look at some specific issues and behaviors that are often signs of sexual abuse. Helplessness and Sexual Abuse Helplessness is a very real impact that comes from sexual abuse. Experiencing sexual abuse is a traumatic situation over which a person often has no control. Or at least, they don’t have the adult wisdom and knowledge to have said “No” back when they were a child. The person may then learn a sense of helplessness which affects their expectations and judgment for years to come[iii]. Helplessness and perceived lack of control over your life can lead to alcohol and substance dependency, and are also a cause of (and symptom of) mental illness such as depression. Other Kinds of Trauma If childhood sexual abuse occurs in conjunction with others traumatic events in childhood, such as physical violence, neglect or being taken into institutional care, these all dramatically increase the risk factors for mental illness over and above what these factors individually would cause[iv]. How Past Sexual Abuse Affects Marriage I want to be careful when going through these issues. There’s a fine line between acknowledging the impact and, from that, honoring the difficult journey that survivors face versus really pathologizing all the effects of sexual abuse and making the survivor really feel like they are damaged goods. I guess in light of this I would say that we are all broken. While the abuse was not your fault and should not have happened, healing is your choice and something that you can make happen. So we acknowledge the past but also really want to honor the healing ability and resilience of survivors as well. Perhaps you are seeing some of these effects in your marriage. If so, think about what you might want to do to help yourself overcome these challenges and create a new chapter in your story that celebrates victory and healing. Marital Quality Research in 2005[v] found that childhood sexual abuse can increase the risk of marital problems as an adult: 7.8% of abuse survivors were experiencing marriage problems at the time they filled in the research questionnaire, compared to 4.6% of the normal population. Note this was only investigating current marital problems, so rates of having some kind of marital problems during the whole length of the marriage may be higher. Even so, it’s not like every person who endures abuse ends up in a struggling marriage. So don’t feel like you have to be experiencing these things or that you should necessarily expect them. Others have reported that survivors of abuse may experience lower marital satisfaction, lower stability (higher likelihood of divorce), higher rates of conflict and hostility, and higher levels of mistrust and feat of their spouse[vi]. Abused men/women may also find it hard to confide in their spouse and be vulnerable with them, leading to low intimacy. Sex Research suggests prior sexual abuse can affect current sexual functioning in one of two ways[vii]: Increased high-risk sexual behaviors, such as having lots of sex partners, being less likely to use contraception, and higher likelihood of taking part in prostitution Reduced sexual satisfaction: arousal disorders, difficulty/inability to orgasm Again, there’s help in both of those areas by seeing a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist or by seeing a sex therapist. Spouse Selection Past sexual abuse may also affect the kinds of partners an abuse survivor seeks out. Survivors of sexual abuse were more likely to marry an alcoholic than those who had never experienced abuse (12.5% of sample compared to 7.9%)[viii]. Moreover, women abused as children are much more likely to later be psychically or sexually abused by their husbands (49% of women abused as children, compared to 18% of general population)[ix]. That’s evidence of what we call traumatic reenactment, where the survivor recreates past scenarios in an attempt feel some greater agency or power in them, not realizing that s/he is taking his/her brokenness and actually breaking it some more. That’s hard to acknowledge but it is also something that a person can heal from and find new ways to feel a strengthened sense of self-efficacy or self-determination that are adaptive and wholesome. Parenting Sexual abuse as a child can lead to women viewing themselves as worse parents, and can also lead to more use of physical punishment when your children misbehaves[x]. So it is possible sometimes that the pain of abuse can be passed on to little ones. How Does Sexual Abuse Translate Into Marriage Challenges? Having looked at some of the ways sexual abuse impacts marriage, it is also useful to think about how those impacts are realized. What are the connections? Why does this happen? Learned Behavior Past trauma teaches people certain habits and ways of relating to people, which can impact the way they act and inform the people they choose to interact with. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may be unconsciously drawn to find a spouse who will repeat these same cycles of abuse. Psychological Trauma Abuse may negatively impact a person's self-esteem and sense of control over their life, such that they see themselves as deserving of further abuse and as unable to prevent it. These are very subtle beliefs that may be active in guiding the survivor’s choices as an adult. Trust Being abused by a family member or other close individual is an extreme betrayal of trust- the abused person will then find it extremely hard to trust people in the future. This lack of trust often leads to emotional distancing or even defensiveness and outright hostility in all future relationships, including marriage[xi]. Just to be clear here: we are talking about how abuse impacts marriage. We are not talking about a permanent disability. Just acknowledging the impact and if you are reading as a survivor I want you to know there is hope and healing from the wounds of sexual abuse, so that even for something like trust, you can learn to gain the skills to know who you can trust and who is safe so that you can safely and wisely let your guard down when it should be down. Attachment Being abused by close family members as a child impairs the attachment bond those children are able to make. Children learn that those closest to them are capable of doing terrible harm to them and this becomes their expectation for all future relationships. Because they see abusive relationships as normal or as a "blueprint" for how relationships are supposed to function, they often end up choosing partners who conform to these expectations. Resiliency Factors for Survivors Now let’s look at some of the ways you can deal with all of this. Many survivors of sexual abuse go on to thrive in adult life: having healthy relationships, successful careers and well-adjusted personalities. A study in 2007[xii] identified several "resilience factors" which helped abuse survivors to recover and thrive: Ability to find emotional support outside the family, as well as within High self-esteem and the ability to think well of oneself Faith or spirituality External attribution of blame- believing the abuse was not their fault Internal locus of control (defined this in episode on assertiveness) So for spouses married to abuse survivors this gives them a good list of ways to help: providing emotional support, help with building self-esteem, engaging with faith together, helping survivors deal with issues of blame and encouraging them to feel in control of their lives. Pay Attention to Attachment A study in 1999[xiii] found that attachment style mediated the link between childhood sexual abuse and mental distress in later life. Attachment style accounted for almost of all of the effects of sexual abuse. Abuse as a child is likely to create an insecure attachment style,...

When Your Spouse Is a Chronic Liar Jun 27, 2018

Show notes

We have a tough topic today — and unfortunately, it’s also one that is all too common. What do you do when your spouse is a chronic liar? Well, we are going to try to come to this topic with accountability and compassion because trust is so vital to creating a happy marriage. What is Pathological Lying? There are a few terms that get used interchangeably here: compulsive lying, chronic lying, and pathological lying. Like some other psychological terms it can get thrown around too loosely. Somebody lies to you a couple times and it upsets you and you call them a pathological liar: that may not be an accurate assessment. But when you have frequent, compulsive telling of lies and false stories[i] this is a pathological lying disorder. Typically the lies told have three features: Continuous: the lies are told regardless of context or who is being spoken to, without any apparent benefit or motive and no thought of potential consequences Impulsive: the lies are not necessarily intended to manipulate people or gain anything. The person simply sees an opportunity to lie and does so. Compulsive: lies are often told automatically without any conscious decision. Those are a pretty serious set of criteria. That’s why I say we use the label too freely: there’s a much lower level of lying that is still problematic but strictly speaking, pathological lying should have all these components. Along with this you’ll often see that the compulsive liar, when challenged about his or her lies, may attempt to downplay what was said or may try to get out of it by telling more lies. They often get caught up in a web of increasingly unrealistic lies. It’s also helpful to know that someone who is a pathological liar may be mentally well adjusted in every other way, or they may have other difficulties such s personality disorders (especially narcissistic personality disorder), ADHD or memory problems[ii]. What Makes A Chronic Liar? Let’s talk about some possible causes. Not for the purpose of justifying the behaviour or asking you to be OK with it, but just to create a little compassion and hopefully even some possible treatment strategies. Brain Functioning and Lying Serious forms of chronic lying may be due to differences at the brain level. Neuroimaging of patients who show compulsive lying reveals impairments to the prefrontal cortex[iii]. These impairments could be caused by head injury, degenerative diseases, infection, epilepsy, or be present from birth. This impairment affects two important mental processes: Executive Functioning The first process, executive functioning, is about the ability to control and monitor your own thoughts, as well as control impulses and organize yourself Problems with executive functioning may look like difficulty with controlling the impulse to lie. If your executive functioning is intact, when the cop pulls you over you may be tempted to lie to him or her but your executive function kicks in and you realize, no my kids are in the car, I need to be truthful and do some good role modelling here. If your executive function is impaired you might not ever get out in front of that initial impulse. Sometimes people get upset with me when I point out the possible physiological basis for these kinds of issues — am I trying to excuse or to minimize something that is morally wrong? No, I am not. But if the person cannot stop and sincerely wants to stop and all you are doing to try to motivate them to stop is using moralistic interventions (impressing them with how wrong it is, how God hates lies, and Satan is the father of lies)... that’s all true but it is not going to actually help them stop if there’s a head injury. They need a different approach to try to achieve the same outcome. Although the symptoms are a moral issue, the cause may not be a purely moral problem: it could potentially be physiological as well (e.g., due to a brain injury). Theory of Mind The second process, known as theory of mind, is the ability to see that other people are conscious beings like you, along with the ability to view things from another person's perspective. Normally this develops in childhood and from then on you are aware that other people are living things with different thoughts and perspectives to your own. Impaired theory of mind can cause people to tell elaborate or unrealistic lies since they are unable to see that other people will instantly be able to prove what they are saying is false. These lies are often continued over a period of years. For example, a study in 2005[iv] mentions a man who swore under oath in court that he had taken part in covert operations for the CIA in Africa and had been awarded the Purple Heart Medal during the Vietnam War, none of which was true and was easily proven false. The man simply had no ability to control his impulse to lie, even under such serious circumstances, and no ability to see that from an outside perspective the lie was ridiculous. So you have these two mental processes: executive functioning and theory of mind. Impairments to the executive functioning cause a person to have difficulty controlling their impulses to lie while damage to your theory of mind causes an inability to see the effects of lying on other people. Difficulty distinguishing reality from fabrication may also result, and many pathological liars also suffer from some form of delusions, where they actually come to believe their lies to be true[v] (Dike, 2010). It Could Be a Lying Habit Another possible contributor to chronic lying is habits. Like many behaviors, lying can become a habit. Many children lie or invent elaborate fantasies as part of their games, or to avoid getting into trouble. If they are constantly rewarded for this (with attention, with entertainment or with escaping punishment) then it may form a habit which persists into adulthood. A study into chronic lying in 2010[vi] argues that a lying habit can be formed from the "reward" of simply telling a lie and getting away with it. For example a study in 2007[vii] describes a case of a 20 year old man who as a child "used to enjoy making fools of children in his locality and his neighbors about various matters; like telling his neighbor that officials from the electricity board are coming to check their meters for complaints of stealing electricity." As he became older the lies become more elaborate and started to include acts of fraud. So in this case lying for attention and for the fun of it was a mental habit that the man never grew out of. And once it’s established in your brain’s pathways it can be tough to break out of it. Trauma and Guilt Can Foster Lying Some pathological liars use their lies as a means to escape from stressful or unpleasant life circumstances or to avoid dealing with past trauma[viii]. They often then experience high levels of guilt about using lies to escape from reality, and so on some unconscious level start to believe their lies to be true, so as to stop feeling guilty. To understand this you have to really focus on the trauma piece. Think perhaps about a child who is experiencing trauma: severe, overwhelming, inescapable distress. A violent father. A chaotic home environment full of unmanageability and unpredictability. Or even a reasonable home but a series of traumatic hospital visits. One coping mechanism is dissociation: removing yourself from your body and becoming a spectator of your pain rather than a participant in it. That is taking a step back from reality. See how lying could fit into that as a dissociative coping mechanism? Or, perhaps the child felt very unsafe for some reason. He or she had to learn to self-preserve by becoming a good liar. Now the child is programming lying into his or her fight-flight-freeze response and so it becomes an impulsive, automatic response from their central nervous system. Then lying becomes nearly as instant and thoughtless a reaction as an increased heart rate. Trauma can help create this for sure. Anxiety and Lying This is sad. Compulsive lying disorder can also come from anxiety and low self-esteem. If a person thinks they are worthless or unimportant and fears being judged, they may get into the habit of lying to avoid having to be vulnerable and actually open up about themselves. So the lying comes to serve a protective function. Is There Hope for Chronic Liars? Yes, I believe there is. If they want help. However, there is a paucity of research on the topic. But let’s look at what we did find and also what I’ve seen in my clinical experience. Here’s one study which is a qualitative study so it has just one participant. However, in that study[ix], they found that treatment with both an antidepressant and therapy was effective in reducing compulsive lying behavior. This was apparent after 6 months of treatment. Also, if you see some of the items above: anxiety, low self-esteem, trauma, etc. and you take those core issues to a therapist who can address them then through healing those issues you may find you no longer need lying as part of your protective stance in life. The people I see who struggle with this actually feel really bad about their lies and they want to give their spouse the experience of them being a safe, trustworthy person. So if you are willing to do this deeper work I would certainly hold a lot of hope. Response Conditioning One aspect of the treatment in the study I just referenced was a kind of conditioning where patients were repeatedly told of the negative consequences of being caught lying (e.g., humiliation, losing their friends or being fired etc). Over time the compulsive liar learns to associate lying with this fear of negative consequences, and so learns to better control their impulses. There’s a connection that is made in the brain between the consequence and the impulse. This is something that I would certainly use brain spotting for in

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