Show notes
Shame is such a powerful emotion. The problem is, it can lead to seemingly contradictory behavior, particularly in the context of addiction. Shame’s close relationship with pornography consumption can cause porn addicts to fall into cycles of shame over their addiction, followed by giving into their addiction, followed by more shame.
As with most addictions, porn addiction typically has roots in other deficits. Because you are hurt, lack something, or desire something, you might turn to porn as a coping mechanism, hoping that it will provide the feeling or fulfillment you seek.
At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that porn is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Rather than helping with the problems it is supposed to solve, it simply makes them worse, particularly in the case of an addictive cycle.
The Link Between Porn and Shame
As the widespread use of pornography is a relatively new phenomenon, there is only a limited amount of research on its connection with shame. Despite this, there is a lot of anecdotal knowledge among counsellors and psychologists about the connection between, and combination of porn and shame.
This link has been documented as far back as 1989. In the book “Contrary to Love,” Patrick Carnes, the grandfather of the sexual addiction treatment movement, identifies shame and guilt as fuelling the despair in addiction.
An addictive cycle looks like this:
The addict experiences despair.
In order to alleviate this feeling, they seek relief by acting out.
Upon acting out, they feel shame and guilt.
These feelings increase the feeling of despair.
While this cycle was discussed in the context of sexual addiction, porn addiction operates in much the same way. As you can see, the efforts of the addict only serve to temporarily deal with the feeling of despair.
So you can see how shame only deepens the cycle of porn addiction. Rather than equipping the addict to deal with the source of their problem, porn simply makes it worse for them.
In order to deal with porn addiction, you need to discover and deal with the root issues, not as a way to excuse the behavior, but to find where you need healing to start the process of recovery.
Shame Buried Out of Sight
A common denominator among some porn addicts is an early form of relationship trauma. These can range from abuse (sexual, physical, verbal, mental, etc.) to parental disregard or a variety of combinations.
With all of these issues, you can see a similar feature. Typically, the child will not find validation of their distress. Often their problems are minimized, ignored, or not acknowledge. As a result, they do not find healing, which perpetuates and often magnifies the pain they felt.
And when not dealt with, this lack of validation will cause the adult to seek it out elsewhere. Porn is an easy “fix” for this. So if you were never validated by your mother, you might find that porn stars are very validating. In some ways, they are.
But that validation is just an act. A fake, exaggerated facsimile of genuine human connection. The validation offered by porn doesn’t work because it’s not real. But the imitation is close enough that it subconsciously fires the reward circuits that keep you trying to get that need met.
Porn acts as an outlet for repressed emotions, wounds, and unrequited yearnings. Instead of having these needs met, porn is so accessible and provides enough temporary pleasure that it becomes an easy outlet or sort of balm or salve for these wounds. However, it never actually heals them, instead it requires more and more while returning less and less.
It is a lie. It cannot meet your needs.
Of course, this is not the same for everyone with an addiction to pornography. People can have a healthy childhood and still get hooked. But even in those cases, they experience this cycle of shame and addiction.
What’s the Problem With Shame?
The effects of shame are well documented. In 2015, a couple researchers found that shame is a self-directed negative view of self and that it tends to create self-loathing and also a lack of self-compassion.
It creates anxiety and emotional distress, and importantly, it creates a desire for mood regulation back to a secure or stable state. It pushes you do what you can to stop feeling shame anymore.
This explains why people bearing the burden of shame would choose an “easy fix” like a pill, a drug, a behaviour, or a sexual act to cope with their emotional distress. Because this “fix,” in the short term, regulates their mood, returning them to a stable state.
Researchers have found that this actually fuels the addictive cycle. Regardless of consequences, people will continue with their addictions, and after giving into it, they feel even more shame, pushing them to indulge once again.
Half of boys and nearly a third of girls experience guilt or shame after using pornography. Another study found that men who were more religious would experience more negative than positive effects as they struggled to reconcile their behaviour with their beliefs.
However, the increased negative feelings, including shame, did not reduce the use of pornography. So we can see that shame, rather than pushing people away from harmful behaviours like addiction, can actually fuel the cycle, causing addicts to spiral further.
How Shame Works
When an addict experiences shame, they start to ruminate, mentally go over the same things repeatedly. They get stuck in thought and action.
Shame also keeps addicts from forming healthy connections with other people. This is because shame causes the addict to feel that at their core, they are unworthy or even worthless. Because they don’t feel deserving of care or attention from others, they hold themselves back.
As a result, an addict with shame will be more vulnerable to easily accessed, but ultimately unhealthy attempts at intimacy like porn. On the one hand, true connection is what is needed. But shame makes healthy intimacy difficult because the addict fears being seen by their significant other. If they are seen, the addict feels like they won’t be acceptable to the most important person in their life, and therefore keeps them at a distance.
Shame perpetuates and accelerates the addiction cycle. When it mixes with other issues, its effect compounds. If you lack the security of knowing that important figures in your life are actually available, if you lack impulse control, or if you have mood disorders, you are more likely to suffer from sex addiction.
In particular, disorders such as PTSD with roots in childhood trauma, neglect, or sexual abuse can make you particularly vulnerable to sexual compulsivity. All of these elements mixed together–sexual compulsivity, shame, and other negative stimuli–help to reinforce a cycle that fuels porn or sex addiction. (Reid et al, 2009)
The more intense the maelstrom of negative feelings, the more intense the urge to act out sexually to find relief. And the more that you reinforce the pattern of acting out in order to escape emotional distress.
Shame helps push you into this cycle of addiction, and shame keeps you there. It is one of the barriers to shaking yourself free of the addiction. This can combine with neurological deficits from early childhood trauma to keep you stuck in sex addiction.
These issues are incredibly complex and very personal to every individual. In order to tackle them successfully, you will need to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes. Regardless of how complex the situation may be, there is always hope.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are unable to stop acting out sexually or quitting your porn habit, it is important to seek the help of a trained therapist. It is extremely difficult to untangle the complex threads of shame and early childhood challenges that lead to, and keep you ensnared in addiction.
By seeking help, you will learn and equip yourself with the necessary tools to find freedom from these addictions. It will take a lot of time and effort to dig out the reasons for your addiction, but in the end it will allow you to find healthier and more productive coping mechanisms that will allow you to address the core reasons behind your addiction and move forward in your life.
References
Bancroft, John. “Biological Factors in Human Sexuality.” Journal of Sex Research 39, no. 1 (February 2002): 15–21. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490209552114.
Bogaert, Anthony F., and Stan Sadava. “Adult Attachment and Sexual Behavior.” Personal Relationships 9, no. 2 (June 2002): 191–204. https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00012.
Carnes, Patrick. Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict. Minneapolis, Minn: CompCare Publishers, 1989.
Chisholm, Myles, and Terry Lynn Gall. “Shame and the X-Rated Addiction: The Role of Spirituality in Treating Male Pornography Addiction.” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 22, no. 4 (October 2, 2015): 259–72. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2015.1066279.
Katehakis, Alexandra. “Affective Neuroscience and the Treatment of Sexual Addiction.” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 16, no. 1 (March 4, 2009): 1–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720160802708966.
M. Adams, Donald W. Robinson, Kenneth. “Shame Reduction, Affect Regulation, and Sexual Boundary Development: Essential Building Blocks of Sexual Addiction Treatment.” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 8, no. 1 (January 2001): 23–44. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720160127559.
Prosek, Elizabeth A., Amanda L. Giordano, Jessica M. Holm, Cynthia M. Bevly, Kristy M. Sender, Zachary B. Ramsey, and Meagan R. Abernathy. “Experiencing Shame: Collegiate Alcohol Abuse, Religiosity, and Spirituality.” Journal of College Counseling 20, no....
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