Mormon Marriages

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Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist #31 Aug 21, 2020

Show notes

QUESTION #1

My wife and I have been married for several years. Arousal used to come easily, but in the past two years, severe depression has taken its toll on my libido. When it's not depression, it's chronic fatigue. Arousal now takes far more effort than it used to. I've found that things like roleplay and reading erotica have helped to overcome these hurdles. These are things we've done and enjoyed in the past, but have become more prevalent during the times of depression, as they seem to provide a shortcut to arousal. This is helpful because, as a normally high drive person, I want to want it, even if the body doesn't react as freely. I don't require them for arousal, but arousal doesn't happen on its own as much anymore.
The problem is that my wife has put on weight in recent years, and she is often convinced that my lower libido is due to this. She often feels like the roleplay is my way of pretending she was in better shape, or a different person.
How can I help her to know that it's a depression issue, and that my roleplays & erotica are being used to "jump start" my libido, and are not meant to replace her? How can I help her to not feel threatened by them?

QUESTION #2

Thank you for all that you do! My husband and I are huge fans of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife! We have taken her courses and they have changed our lives for the better! We have been married 11 years and have 2 small children.
I am currently pregnant with our third child. While my husband and I have made great strides in our sexual relationship and I have taken monumental steps to claim my sexuality, I feel that my pregnancy has made me regress. I am so thankful to be able to carry children, but I do not feel sexually aroused while pregnant. My husband is so kind and tells me I’m beautiful, so the problem is not how he sees me. The problem is how I see myself. I tend to gain a lot of weight during pregnancy, which then takes me about a year to lose. With the weight gain, the fluctuating emotions, and how tired I become, sex is just not something I am interested in. Body image is a huge factor in this.
I would like to be more intimate with my husband, without feeling anxiety about my changing body. How can I feel sexual while pregnant? I’m sure I’m not the only woman who feels this way!

QUESTION #3

I only learned about Joseph Smith’s polygamy, the doctrine of polygamy as explained in the scriptures and it’s extent in our temple dealings about 15 years ago. It has had a profound effect on how I view myself, my marriage and God. I am fearful of dying and resent this view of women.
When I ask family or friends how they cope with this they say they just don’t think about it or say they know in the next life we’ll be perfect. I find myself trying to be perfect so I don’t get replaced. Can you help me move past this fear so I can more fully enjoy my marriage?

E48 - Off Balance On Purpose | Learning to juggle all of life's roles with Rachel Nielson from the 3 in 30 Podcast Jun 23, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of the podcast, Rachel Nielson from the "3 in 30 takeaways for moms" podcast joins us to talk about life's crazy balancing act!

From wife, mother, ward calling holder, podcast host and business owner (just to name a few), Rachel has a lot of hats to wear! She knows firsthand the chaos that can come from attempting to juggle all of life's roles and responsibilities.

The conversation we have is real and raw and beautiful. You don't want to miss it!

Check out the 3 in 30 podcast to hear more incredible insights from Rachel and her guests!

E47 - "Our Way" Marriage Plan with Jonathan Sherman, LMFT | The vital importance of premarital and early marital counseling Jun 08, 2020

Show notes

When we asked Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jonathan Sherman what he would want if he could be granted one professional wish, his answer surprised us at first.

"I would want everyone to participate in premarital or early marital counseling."

As the conversation went on, it became obvious why!

In this episode of the podcast, Jonathan paints a picture of just how big of an impact this would have on not only our relationships, but on our society for generations to come.

He shows us how having a simple "Our Way" marriage plan can set a couple up for not just a "good" marriage that doesn't end in divorce, but an amazing and enviable marriage you never thought possible.

Regardless of what stage your relationship is in, get ready for some serious "Ah Ha" moments!

E46 - An Antidote to the "Almost Life" | Tapping into your Super Human Nature with Seth Ellsworth May 20, 2020

Show notes

"Buried in your humanity is a jewel - a gift from God. It is the strongest force in your life. There is no stronger force that you could use for good in your life then this: Your human nature has one single motive - to fight for what it deems as normal. It will fight to a degree that you cannot win. So, what do you do? Simple. Redefine what’s normal. All of a sudden, your human nature will work FOR you, instead of against you. This idea of controlling and creating what is normal is everything." -Seth Ellsworth

E45 - Balancing Sacrifice and Self Care with Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks May 12, 2020

Show notes

Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and coach with over 28 years experience specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships. She is the founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, an outpatient therapy clinic in Cottonwood Heights and Bountiful, UT, and serves as an assistant professor of social work at Utah Valley University.

In addition to authoring two books, The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Dr. Hanks is a blogger on Latter-day Saint Cultural issues, a speaker, a local and national media contributor, an online influencer, a private practice consultant, and an award-winning performing songwriter.

A native Californian, Hanks currently lives with her family in Sandy, UT. For additional resources visit DrJulieHanks.com or connect with @drjuliehanks on social media.

E44 - Surviving Quarantine with Dr. Dave Schramm Apr 20, 2020

Show notes

Known as “Dr. Dave” on campus and across the country, Dave Schramm is an associate professor and family life extension specialist at Utah State University in the department of Human Development and Family Studies. After graduating with his Ph.D. from Auburn University, he worked as a professor at the University of Missouri for nine years.

Since arriving at USU in 2016, he has been appointed by Governor Herbert to serve on Utah’s Commission on Marriage, he appears on television monthly on Fox 13’s “The Place” and he shares tips and videos on social media to help individuals, parents, and couples thrive in their life journeys.

From British Columbia to Beijing, China, and from St. Louis to San Diego, Dr. Dave has given over 500 presentations, classes, and workshops to a variety of audiences, including the United Nations and a TEDx talk in Florida.

He married his high school sweetheart Jamie, they have four children, he loves peanut M&Ms J, and the Schramm fam lives in North Logan, Utah.

E43 - Baby Bagley's First Trimester Apr 03, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of the podcast, Nate and Ang give an update on all things baby!

They talk about the ups and the downs of first trimester, what they've learned individually and as a couple, and what they wish they would have known beforehand.

Enjoy!

E42 - Marriage on a Tightrope with Kattie & Allan Mount Mar 27, 2020

Show notes

Kattie & Allan Mount are the co‑hosts of Marriage on a Tightrope, a podcast dedicated to navigating a mixed‑faith marriage. Kattie and Allan met in the MTC and both served missions in Barcelona Spain. They were married shortly after Allan returned.

In 2017, Kattie and Allan suddenly found themselves dealing with Allan’s decision to distance himself from the church. Frustrated with the lack of support, Kattie suggested they go public about their situation by starting a podcast.

Kattie loves all things Disney, and is PTA president of the local elementary school. Allan is a sales director for a South Jordan technology company, is an avid Dodgers fan, and performs improvisational comedy at Comedy Sportz in Provo. The couple has four children, ages 5 through 13.

Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist #30 Feb 07, 2020

Show notes

Question #1

My wife had a baby 6 months ago, and is afraid to have sex with me again. I've tried to get her to open up to me about what is going on, and why she is so anxious. I've let her dictate the pace of things so far, but if it were up to her, I'm not sure we'd ever have sex again.
Before the baby, sex was a struggle for her. She was unsure of what she liked and what felt good. If I accidentally stumbled on something that felt good, and she had an orgasm, I would try to repeat whatever I was doing during the next session, but that was rarely successful. I'm beside myself trying to figure out what can be done to help her learn to enjoy being intimate with me. What can I do? Or, what can I encourage her to do? Help!

Question #2

I think I had an emotional affair. I’ve been married to my wife for almost a decade, and she’s the absolute best. She truly is my best friend and a wonderful mother to our three kids. After almost 10 years of marriage things have gotten pretty routine, but not necessarily complacent. We still laugh and talk and enjoy each other, but sometimes the routine gets a little stale.
A couple of years ago, I texted a female friend. We were friends in high school but hadn’t kept in touch until I reached out about a business proposition. It was pretty innocent, but over time became pretty flirty until she eventually proposed the idea of an affair. I immediately severed ties with her and told my wife what she had said. This happened more 7 months ago. We haven’t spoken since, but I honestly miss her. I think about her all the time, almost daily. I miss how we would make each other laugh and our deep conversations through texts. I miss being desired by someone new... or at all. It has gotten easier over time, but I could use some direction.
Was this an emotional affair? Should I tell my wife about it? How can I phrase it sensitively, if so? And how can I deal with this feeling of wanting to reach out to my former friend all the time? How do I replace the feelings of excitement that I was getting from her? Or do I have to learn deal without that excitement all together? I know... I’ve got issues.

Question #3

My question is about sexuality and chronic illness. How do you navigate sexuality and desire when one partner has a normal high sex drive and the other is sick and has barely any energy for anything. Even washing my hair is difficult most days.
Before we were married I had a great drive, but very soon after I became very very sick. I try to be sexual as much as possible, but I feel guilty about not being able to meet his needs. Most of the time I would rather die than put the necessary energy into sex. Do you have any ideas for strategies to employ when his desire is high but my energy is low?

E41 - Changing the Narrative Around Pornography with Dr. Cameron Staley Jan 28, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of the podcast, we are joined by Dr. Cameron Staley - a Clinical Psychologist from Idaho State University - to tackle the topic of pornography.

Talking about pornography in the church can be a polarizing issue. We support the stance of the church and agree that it is not something we personally want as a part of our marriage.

What we don't agree with is the shame-filled and fear-based narrative that is so common in our culture. This narrative only exacerbates the struggles we are trying to eradicate. Is there a better way?

Absolutely!!

Thanks to the research and work of Dr. Staley, along with many other incredible people over the years, there is a better, more research based approach to navigating struggles of pornography with kindness, compassion, forgiveness and a whole lot of mindfulness.

You don't want to miss this episode!

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