Matt D’Elia Is Confused

Latest Episodes:

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 17) May 13, 2020

Show notes

Still no end in sight to this quarantine? KAY! Matt breaks down the extension of California’s stay-at-home policy through July (AT THE EARLIEST!), then gets into various pandemic-related AND non-pandemic-related topics, including but not limited to: shitty spoiled brats who can’t seem to stop going to the beach, why going to the beach actually sucks in the first place, why wokeness has largely taken a backseat during quarantine, the absurd ‘controversy’ over something Tyra Banks said 14 years ago, why people believe what they want to believe instead of what is actually true, and the one man who has truly earned the title of ‘Biggest Pussy Ever To Exist In The History Of The World’— President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump. Before Matt wraps up, he responds to a bunch of your Twitter questions!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 16 — Sunday Service!) May 10, 2020

Show notes

Sunday Service™ is here again! This time Matt tells some personal stories about growing up Catholic and addresses some of the particularly fucked up things about that strange strain of Christianity, including the process of going to confession and why priests still wear the dumb shit they wear. Then he sets his sights on White House Spiritual Adviser Paula White and a few other right wing zealots who said totally ridiculous shit over the course of the last week. Once he’s through with god stuff, he covers something that has been pissing him off to the extreme: the viral ‘Plandemic’ video that everyone won’t shut up about. Listen now or go STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 15) May 06, 2020

Show notes

Seven and a half weeks of quarantine! Weeeeeeeeeeeee! In today’s episode, Matt makes some exciting podcast-related announcements and then gets into a wide array of subjects, including but not limited to: the joys of saying ‘Weeeeeeeeeeee!’, the most Russian way to kill someone, the problem with all those incredibly annoying baby-people who are comparing our country’s lockdown to ‘Nazi Germany’, the strange strains of pandemic-induced bigotry and violence that are sweeping across the country, and the kinds of news headlines that piss Matt off most of all. Then, after he brings us up to speed on his interactions with conspiracy theorist and number-one-fan, ‘Florida Man’, he answers a shitload of your Twitter questions! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 14 — Sunday Service!) May 03, 2020

Show notes

Sunday Service is here again! On this day of the lord, Matt digs a little deeper into the reasons he loves church music so much even though he despises Christianity, rips into some of the insane pastors out there right now trying to rile up their congregants about the fact that they’ve been barred from gathering in person, examines the bullshit blustery male archetype he’s seeing all over the place at the anti-lockdown protests around the country— and after shitting all over a video of protesters singing along to The Village People’s ‘YMCA’ (but replacing ‘YMCA’ with ‘MAGA’), Matt gets sidetracked and tells a personal story from his childhood. Later in the episode he gets to a lot of your Twitter questions! Don’t forget— our church is better than real church! IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY KAY— AMEN!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 13) Apr 29, 2020

Show notes

It has finally happened... Matt has begun to receive hate mail! Embracing this milestone, Matt reads us his favorite piece of hate mail thus far — a DM from a respectful conspiracy theorist who bluntly calls Matt out for a litany of perceived offenses. Luckily, Matt actually responded to this guy and they wound up having a whole conversation, which Matt reads to you in its entirety— pausing for commentary along the way. After tying all this into what’s wrong with the world right now and why there are people like this hate mailer in the first place, Matt gets into a few more topics that have been on his mind, including but not limited to— the recently released ‘UFO tapes’ and what to make of them, our collective fear of the unknown and its hidden effects, the differing advertising strategies of the Biden and Trump campaigns— and why Matt thinks both strategies are great but hates them anyway. Also: Twitter questions! Weeeeee!!!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 12 — Sunday Service!) Apr 26, 2020

Show notes

SUNDAY SERVICE IS HERE AGAIN. This time Matt covers more insane blabbering from the mouth of televangelist Kenneth Copeland, the childish defiance many Christians are putting on parade in the face of this pandemic, Microsoft’s bitch-ass kowtowing to insane QANON and Pizzagate conspiracy theorists, the confusing news about Kim Jong Un’s potential death, the upsetting uniformity of corporate advertisements in the time of COVID— and, of course, Donald Trump’s disinfectant-injecting madness. Later in the episode he almost gets into some of your Twitter questions but doesn’t because he has too much other stuff to talk about, such as why and how he has successfully hijacked gospel music from Christians and is now using it for his own church: The Church Of Kay. IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY KAY— KAYMEN!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 11) Apr 22, 2020

Show notes

11th straight solo lockdown episode! To kick this one off, Matt puts all pandemic-related topics aside to address something just as important— the same horrible way that every NPR hosts speaks. After picking apart ‘NPR voice’ and explaining why he thinks it’s a real deal problem, he goes on to explore the insanely idiotic right-wing conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and the weird cross section of people who believe them, the anti-lockdown protests going on right now and the insidious way that particular strain of unrest is being drummed up, the absurd QANON theory that Trump’s legendary ‘covfefe’ typo was not only intentional but also a secret code that correctly predicted COVID-19, and why it’s so hard to get simple, honest information about whether it’s best to continue this lockdown or start reopening the economy. Later in the episode he answers more Twitter questions! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 10 - Sunday Service!) Apr 19, 2020

Show notes

Sunday Service is here again! In today’s sermon Matt plays some of his favorite church music, tells us why he likes it even though actual church is for losers, and then gets into some other important topics, including but not limited to: insane televangelist Rick Wiles and his homoerotic rants against Bill Gates, the hilarious hypocrisy on display at the anti-lockdown protests over the last few days, how the conversation around social distancing became politicized, and why having a layman’s opinion about anything pandemic-related is actually very very stupid. Before it’s over he answers a handful of your twitter questions. In the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Kay— AMEN!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 9) Apr 15, 2020

Show notes

9 straight solo episodes since lockdown. 2 episodes a week. That puts us at 4.5 weeks into quarantine. And 4.5 weeks, if you didn’t already know, equals 1 full month. Because of this, little by little, we are all slowly but surely losing our shit. Luckily, Matt has a couple happy things to discuss in the first half of today’s episode— including money from the government for our pandemic-related troubles, and his brother Chris’s new Netflix special, ‘No Pain’. In the second half of the episode, things take a dark and furious turn when Matt eviscerates the idiotic, conspiracy-theory-laden viral video called ‘Out Of Shadows’, which claims Hollywood is run by pedophiles and controlled by the CIA. If anything has ever warranted a massive KAY, it’s this ‘documentary’ (which Matt instead insists on referring to as a ‘crockofshitumentary’). Enjoy!

Quarantine USA! (Pt. 8 — EASTER SUNDAY SERVICE) Apr 12, 2020

Show notes

In his 8th consecutive guest-less episode, Matt ‘celebrates’ Easter the way everyone should: from home. But some people are still insisting on going to church today— and Matt is in a rage about it. He also gets into what the fuck Easter is all about in general, what he thinks the rapture will look like if it actually comes (it won’t), why some total maniacs think Bill Gates is Satan, and sheds some light on a few of his ‘favorite’ COVID-19 conspiracy theories. Later he answers some of your Twitter questions and — perhaps most important of all — gives an update on last week’s intense elevator encounter with that disrespectful maskless asshole.

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