Stay ConnectedLights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives.
Turn on the lights with us!
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If you're searching for peace and don't know where to start, email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
In this episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with longtime friend and author Tim Ross for a conversation that redefines everything you thought you knew about peace. Tim, host of The Basement podcast and author of the new book The Missing Peace, breaks down why peace is not the absence of problems but the quiet regulation of your nervous system that nothing external can shake. Carl and Tim unpack the difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping, why power without peace is chaos, and how to measure your growth by how fast you repair after getting rattled. Tim shares how childhood sexual abuse, growing up in gang territory in Englewood, California, and years of therapy led him to a revelation most people miss: you are not looking for peace, you are uncovering the peace that has been buried inside you all along. From the storm in Mark 4 to the stoning of Stephen, they hold up an ancient standard for what regulated faith actually looks like. Whether your peace is tied to your bank account, your marriage, your habits, or a substance you reach for when life gets loud, this episode will challenge you to stop chasing peace and start digging it out.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
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Pre-order The Missing Peace by Tim Ross: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Peace-Together-Youre-Falling-ebook/dp/B0FYQRY6CR
The Basement Podcast - search "The Basement with Tim Ross" on Spotify
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Three listener questions. All of them about what betrayal actually does to a
person. Not just to the marriage. To the voice inside that kept saying
something is wrong.
A woman who spent years convincing herself she was the problem just found out
her husband has a gambling addiction and has been lying to her for years. Carl
and Laura break down the difference between intuition and anxiety, why
gaslighting trains you to distrust the nudge, and the three-step process for
rebuilding self-trust. Carl also delivers something every husband in recovery
needs to hear: full disclosure does not just help your wife. It restores her
confidence in herself.
A woman two years into dating a man she loves has discovered multiple lies
about his past. He is honest when confronted. Never before. Carl and Laura
explain why being honest when caught is not the same as being honest, and why
the question is never about his past. It is about his integrity under low
pressure. Because marriage does not reduce pressure. It multiplies it.
A woman three years past her husband's infidelity is still together, has done
the work, and still feels emotionally abandoned. Carl distinguishes remorse
from repair. One says I am sorry. The other says I can stay present in your
pain. Most men only know how to do one.
This episode will challenge anyone who believes that stopping the behavior
is the same thing as doing the work.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Get our new book Overcoming Infidelity: 10 Conversations to Help Heal the Hurt here:
- Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1668230496
- Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/overcoming-infidelity-carl-lentz/1149403061?ean=9781668230510
- Simon and Schuster: https://www.simonandschuster.com.au/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230510
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Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
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A listener writes in about something she has never fully admitted before. She
was never physically attracted to her husband. She chose him because he loved
Jesus and she believed he would be a good husband and father. They have never
had a good sex life. And now, after his infidelity, the attraction is completely
gone and she does not know where to go from here.
Carl and Laura break down the two pillars that build genuine sexual attraction,
security and mystery, and explain exactly how infidelity destroys both. Carl
shares why your wife's nervous system is a direct mirror of your tone and
consistency over time. Laura walks through her four-question matrix for
identifying exactly why attraction is gone, because the reason determines the
path. From the difference between companionate love and erotic love, to why
admiration is the most underrated on-ramp to desire, this episode delivers the
kind of counsel most people cannot find anywhere else.
This episode will challenge anyone who has ever confused being a good person
with being a desirable partner.
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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
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Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Get our new book Overcoming Infidelity: 10 Conversations to Help Heal the Hurt here:
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Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura announce something they have been building for years, their book Overcoming Infidelity: 10 Conversations to Help Heal the Hurt, and then open the inbox and answer three of the most painful emails they have ever received. No filter. No soft answers. Just honest, experience-backed responses from two people who have lived this.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura tackle three gut-wrenching listener questions and do not flinch. A teenage daughter who discovered her mother's affair, confronted it, and now fears she will never have a safe marriage of her own. A wife whose husband had an affair at work a year and a half ago and still shows up every day to the same office as the woman he cheated with. And a woman married to a pastor who had an emotional affair with a church volunteer, blamed his wife for it, quit marriage counseling because the therapist focused too much on the affair, and is now asking for a divorce while still messaging other women.
Carl unpacks the word "qualifier," a term from sexual addiction recovery, and why no contact is not optional, it is the floor. He delivers the truth every man in this situation needs to hear: if your wife's safety is not worth you moving heaven and earth, you need to be honest about what that means. Laura shares what it actually looked like when she chose to stay, not from weakness but from power, and the exact moment she made clear she was moving on with her life with or without him.
From why the person who discovers the affair never caused the explosion, to what it means when a man says "you pushed me to this," to why your wife's nervous system is a direct mirror of your honesty and consistency over time, this episode delivers the kind of counsel most people cannot find anywhere else.
This episode will challenge anyone who believes that stopping the behavior is the same thing as doing the work.
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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
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In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle five questions most couples are too afraid to say out loud: Is watching pornographic Instagram accounts cheating? What do you do when your husband's porn addiction has shut down your sex life completely? How do you find a godly partner after everything you've been through? Is your wife overreacting after an emotional affair – and can you even ask that? And does it really take this long to be fully honest after betrayal?
The answer to all of them will challenge everything you think you know about loyalty, intimacy, and what real honesty actually costs.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: most couples aren't fighting about the wrong things. They're avoiding the right conversation entirely. Whether it's a husband defending his Instagram habits, a wife starving for physical closeness while her husband battles porn-induced erectile dysfunction, or a betrayed spouse wondering if her reaction is too much – the pattern is always the same. Clarity gets delayed. Pain gets prolonged. And both people slowly stop trusting.
Laura shares what it's like to carry shame you didn't earn, and why a wife's confidence has nothing to do with her husband's addiction. Carl delivers the message most betraying spouses need to hear: you don't get to decide what your partner can handle. Full disclosure isn't a punishment. It's the only road back.
From the "If it's not a big deal, stop doing it" challenge that silences every deflection, to why two weeks is approximately enough time to finish a Netflix show – not repair a marriage – to the 24-hour honesty rule that rebuilt theirs, this episode delivers practical truth for anyone willing to stop surviving and start connecting.
This episode will challenge any couple still negotiating how much truth is enough.
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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
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Supported by Plana https://plana.org/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura do something brand new: they open the inbox and answer real questions from real people navigating the hardest seasons of their marriages. No scripts. No filter. Just honest, experience-backed responses to the emails and DMs that have been flooding in for years.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura tackle four gut-wrenching listener questions—and don't hold back. From a wife whose husband is weaponizing scripture after years of infidelity, to a man whose wife refuses to cut off the affair partner, to a woman whose unfaithful husband expects love after doing the bare minimum—this episode exposes the patterns that keep broken marriages stuck and the truths that set people free.
Laura shares the exact daily check-in framework—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually—that became a cornerstone of their rebuilding process, including the words that were completely off the table. Carl delivers the standard every betrayer needs to hear: not cheating anymore doesn't earn you credit. That's the minimum. The minimum is over and above.
From why "God hates divorce" is not a weapon, to the "two truths" tool that has carried Laura through five years of healing, to why consistency over years matters more than heroic effort over months—this episode delivers the kind of counsel most people can't find anywhere else.
This episode will challenge anyone who believes change is proven by words instead of time, fruit, and evidence.
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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
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Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
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Supported by Plana https://plana.org/
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Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 We're Doing Something New
02:17 What Are Daily Check-Ins After Betrayal?
05:58 The Words We Banned From Our Check-Ins
09:30 When Should Reconciliation Stop Being An Option?
13:04 How Do You Actually Know Someone Has Changed?
17:06 God Behind Bars Partnership
17:39 Should Contact With The Affair Partner Be Cut Off?
23:40 Feelings Don't Lead – Principles Do
25:41 My Husband Isn't Going Above And Beyond
30:11 Plana Partnership
30:33 Is There Hope For Change After Betrayal?
35:43 The Two Truths Tool That Changed Everything
39:18 Consistency Is The Only Proof That Matters
46:54 Final Thoughts: Nobody Is Too Far Gone
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Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
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In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle the question most couples never ask out loud: Do I even know what I need anymore? And have I actually told them? The answer will challenge everything you think you know about needs, resentment, and why so many marriages slowly drift apart.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey of rebuilding after Laura couldn't name a single personal need for months, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: couples don't fail because they have needs. They fail because needs go unspoken, then assumed, then resented. And that quiet drift is destroying more marriages than any loud fight ever could.
Laura shares what it took to finally identify her own needs after years of putting everyone else first and why it took months before she felt safe enough to voice them. Carl delivers the challenge most husbands avoid: if you're waiting for your wife to validate you but you haven't validated yourself, you're handing her a weight nobody was meant to carry.
From why your needs must be updated like an iPhone, to the definition of validation that changes everything, to why withholding encouragement from your spouse leaves them vulnerable to hear it from someone else, this episode delivers practical truths for couples who want to stop assuming and start connecting.
This episode will challenge any marriage that's been running on old information while wondering why nothing feels right anymore.
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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
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Supported by Plana https://plana.org/
Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 Am I Too Needy? Maybe That's The Point
01:16 Why "You Complete Me" Is A Terrible Operating System
03:34 Half Your Fights Are Really About This
05:00 Your Needs Must Be Updated Like An iPhone
07:12 Couples Don't Fail Because Of Needs
09:22 Laura Couldn't Name A Single Need For Months
11:51 God Behind Bars Partnership
13:07 Own Your Needs First Then Share The Remainder
19:23 How Do We Handle The Need For Validation
19:54 Plana Partnership
22:45 Why A Wife's Voice Is Uniquely Powerful
27:10 The Connection Between Empty Tanks And Affairs
31:37 Final Thoughts: Become The Needy Couple
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Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
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In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle a question that arrived in their inbox and it's one millions of women are silently asking: What happened to me? The answer will challenge everything you think you know about marriage, identity, and what it really means to put others first.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey of rebuilding after Laura lost herself in the role of "first responder" to their family, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: many women haven't lost their voice. They've learned it wasn't safe to use it. And that quiet disappearance is destroying more marriages than any loud fight ever could.
Laura shares the moment everything shifted, standing on a beach telling Carl she was done waiting for him to change. Carl delivers the hard truth most husbands avoid: if you say you want a strong wife but shut her down when she speaks, you don't want a partner. You want a convenience.
From rethinking what it means to put others first, to the three questions that reveal whether you're actually growing, to the warning label every husband needs before saying he wants an empowered wife, this episode delivers practical truths for couples who want both people to thrive.
This episode will challenge any marriage that's been running on one person's dreams while the other quietly disappears.
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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
Supported by Plana https://plana.org/
Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 The Question That Broke Us Open
02:41 The Cocktail That Makes Women Disappear
06:13 Empowered Woman First, Wife And Mother Flows From It
09:00 The Beach Moment That Changed Everything
11:22 Rethink What Putting Others First Really Means
15:50 Where To Actually Start
18:08 God Behind Bars Partnership
21:32 Three Ways To Measure Your Growth
24:10 Do You Really Want An Empowered Woman
27:32 Warning Label For Husbands
30:07 Final Thoughts: Build A Marriage You Both Enjoy
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle a question most couples are too afraid to ask out loud: What do you do when your spouse hasn't initiated sex in over a decade? The answer will challenge everything you think you know about intimacy, desire, and what's really going on beneath the surface.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey of rebuilding after devastating betrayal, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: a sexless marriage isn't actually about sex. It's about safety, avoidance, and what the nervous system has learned to protect itself from. And those patterns are quietly destroying more marriages than the fights ever could.
Laura shares why women often fear initiation and what that internal dialogue actually sounds like. Carl delivers the conversation most couples avoid: if your spouse has shut down sexually, their nervous system has learned avoidance as protection—and shaming them won't fix it.
From the three avenues every couple must explore (invisible hurdles, relational disconnect, and the meaning of sex in your marriage) to the two-month "pressure reset" that rebuilt their own intimacy—this episode delivers practical truths for couples who want to stop surviving and start connecting.
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This episode will challenge any couple who believes the problem is just about frequency when it's really about safety, honesty, and friendship.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
Supported by Plana https://plana.org/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 The Sexless Marriage Epidemic
01:57 Why We're Not Marriage Experts
03:14 The Question That Started It All
04:44 Why The Church Doesn't Talk About This
08:05 Redefining What's "Normal" For Your Marriage
12:48 Three Questions That Actually Unlock Answers
14:24 God Behind Bars Partnership
15:59 Why Your Spouse Stopped Initiating
17:22 Go Higher Than Sex
18:52 How To Start The Conversation (Without Accusations)
21:49 Avenue 1: The Invisible Hurdles
24:52 Avenue 2: The Relational Disconnect
27:32 Be Kinder, Get More Action
29:11 Plana Partnership
30:24 Avenue 3: What Sex Means To You
33:45 The Two-Month Pressure Reset
37:16 When Your Needs Aren't The Priority
40:55 Why Having This Conversation Makes You Brave
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle the question every married couple avoids: What is my spouse not telling me—and what am I afraid to ask? The answer will challenge everything you think you know about knowing your partner.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey of rebuilding trust, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: the moment curiosity dies, assumptions take over. And those assumptions are quietly destroying more marriages than the fights ever could.
Laura shares what she discovered when Carl checked her phone algorithm—and why the things we linger on reveal more than the things we say. Carl delivers the challenge most couples avoid: if swapping phones with your spouse sends a jolt through your body, that's not about technology. That's about distance and secrecy.
From the power of staying curious about someone you've known for decades, to why the unsaid things don't disappear—they just show up in ways you don't want—this episode delivers practical truths for couples who want to stop assuming and start connecting.
This episode will challenge any couple who believes they already know everything about each other.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
Supported by Plana https://plana.org/
Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com
CHAPTERS:
00:00 One Way To Shift Your Marriage Fast
01:57 The Gift Of Not Fully Knowing Your Spouse
03:45 Laura's Australian Childhood
06:05 When Curiosity Dies Assumptions Take Over
07:00 God Behind Bars Partnership
07:45 The Algorithm Discovery That Started It All
10:17 The Phone Swap Challenge
13:15 Why This Game Scares People
15:01 The Thing You've Never Said Out Loud
17:04 What The Unsaid Does To Your Marriage
19:14 How To Create Safety For Vulnerability
21:08 Why Men Struggle To Open Up
22:17 Falling In Love With The Work
23:16 Plana Partnership
25:00 Why You Should Fight More Not Less
27:28 Fighting For Clarity Not Victory
29:24 Final Thoughts For Couples Ready To Go Deeper
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