Stay ConnectedNo fluff. No judgment. Just real talk. Licensed therapist Kier Gaines brings over a decade of insight to break down what it really means to be a man today the pressure, the innovation, the grief, the joy, the grind, and the opportunities to thrive. With honest stories, actionable tips, and unfiltered insights, this is the space to level up, heal, and grow. On your terms.
Edited and produced by Idea to Launch Productions
What if the hardest part of parenting isn't raising your kids, but confronting the parts of yourself you haven't healed?
Parenting doesn't come with a manual, and even when you think you've figured it out, your kids have a way of reminding you just how much you still have to learn.
This week on Learned The Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and founder of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy, for an honest conversation about parenting, childhood trauma, emotional regulation, and the experiences that shape who we become.
Together, they unpack why our children's behavior can trigger unresolved feelings from our own childhoods, the difference between discipline and punishment, and why being a good parent doesn't mean getting everything right. Dr. Becky challenges traditional parenting philosophies while explaining how to set firm boundaries without dismissing a child's emotions.
But this conversation goes beyond raising children. Kier and Dr. Becky explore how childhood experiences follow us into adulthood, why vulnerability can feel dangerous, and how the very behaviors that once protected us can eventually keep us from building meaningful connections.
They also tackle the growing conversation around parent-child estrangement, what it means to repair relationships, and why understanding someone's perspective doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them.
Whether you're raising children, navigating a complicated relationship with your parents, or simply trying to understand yourself better, this episode is a reminder that growth isn't about perfection. It's about curiosity, accountability, and having the courage to do things differently.
In this episode, we explore:
Why parenting can bring unresolved childhood experiences to the surface.
The difference between punishment, discipline, and sturdy parenting.
How childhood trauma can influence vulnerability and adult relationships.
Why children deserve a voice, even when they don't get a vote.
How to build confidence in children without dismissing their insecurities.
The importance of listening instead of immediately trying to fix someone's feelings.
Parent-child estrangement, emotional boundaries, and the possibility of repairing relationships.
Connect with Dr. Becky Kennedy: Visit GoodInside.com and follow @drbeckyatgoodinside.
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For Black men, being strong can sometimes mean becoming the person who carries everything. Youâre expected to have the answers, keep it moving, provide for everybody, make people laugh, and figure things out without letting anyone see you struggle. But what happens when the âgo-to guyâ needs somewhere to go too?
In this episode of Learned the Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with Charlamagne Tha God for a conversation about what it really means to be a Black man trying to grow, heal, and make sense of life while carrying the weight of everything that comes with it. They talk about grief, emotional expression, friendship, therapy, fatherhood, purpose, and the difficulty of finding spaces where Black men can be honest without having to perform strength.
Charlamagne opens up about the experiences that have shaped the way he thinks about life, including the deaths of Nipsey Hussle and Kobe Bryant and the way those losses forced him to confront just how fragile life can be. They also unpack why Black men deserve the freedom to grieve, cry, feel hurt, and process their emotions without those moments becoming entertainment for everyone else.
The conversation also gets into something a lot of men may recognize: using humor as a way to connect, but also as a way to avoid what hurts. Kier and Charlamagne explore how you can tell when laughter is helping someone process a difficult moment versus when the joke is actually getting in the way of the conversation that needs to happen.
And then thereâs the question neither man has an easy answer for: Who takes care of the person who is always taking care of everybody else?
For Charlamagne, that question becomes even more complicated as his career and platform continue to grow. More visibility, more success, and more people depending on you don't necessarily mean you have more places where you can be vulnerable. Sometimes, the bigger your world gets, the harder it can be to find a space where you don't have to be âon.â
In this episode, we get into:
⢠Why Black men can struggle to find spaces where they feel genuinely safe
⢠The pressure to always be the strong one, even when you're hurting
⢠What grief can teach us about how short and unpredictable life really is
⢠Why seeing Black men express emotion shouldn't feel unusual
⢠The difference between feeling an emotion and knowing how to express it
⢠When humor helps us heal and when it becomes a defense mechanism
⢠Why friendship and community matter so much for men's mental health
⢠The complicated relationship between masculinity, vulnerability, and asking for help
⢠What happens when your career grows faster than your support system
⢠Finding purpose when your life starts expanding in ways you didn't expect
⢠Why Black men deserve spaces where they can take the armor off
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What happens when the person youâve always been isnât the person you can keep being?
For a lot of men, identity can become deeply connected to what we provide, produce, protect, and endure. We learn early that being useful means being valuable, and that pushing through pain, exhaustion, disappointment, and uncertainty is just part of being a man. But what happens when your capacity changes? When your body, career, relationships, responsibilities, or priorities look different than they used to?
In this episode of Learn the Hard Way, Keir Gaines gets personal about performance, aging, fatherhood, partnership, ambition, and the complicated process of realizing that the things that once made you feel fulfilled may not work for you anymore. He talks about the pressure men can feel to keep performing even when theyâre running on empty, and why losing a former version of yourself can require a kind of grief we don't always give ourselves permission to experience.
Keir also explores the difference between resilience and denial, why sometimes pushing harder isn't the answer, and how to recognize when it's time to adapt. He challenges the idea that a man's value should depend entirely on what he brings to the table, while also acknowledging the very real pressures families face when someone is responsible for providing.
And maybe most importantly, he asks a question that doesn't have an easy answer: Are you working hard for your family, or are you using your family to justify your ambition?
In this episode, Keir talks about:
Why performance can become so deeply tied to a man's identity
What happens when aging, illness, burnout, fatherhood, or life changes your capacity
The grief that comes with losing past versions of yourself
Why men often try to solution their way out of sadness instead of actually feeling it
The difference between resilience and denial
How to recognize when pushing through is making things worse
Why being useful and being valuable aren't necessarily the same thing
Finding parts of your identity that exist outside of what you produce
Asking the people you love for specific feedback instead of assuming you know what they need
Why affirmation can be just as important as criticism in relationships
Letting go of traditional gender scripts and redefining what being a man looks like in your own family
Knowing when to lead, when to support, and when to follow someone else's expertise
The tension between providing for your family and actually being present with them
How family needs change over time and why adaptability matters
What happens when the things that used to fulfill you don't fulfill you anymore
Giving yourself permission to experiment with who you're becoming
This Week's Hard Lesson
Your capacity can change without your value disappearing.
Sometimes the hardest part isn't admitting that something isn't working anymore. It's accepting that the version of you who once thrived in that situation may not be the version of you who exists today.
You don't have to keep proving that you can do what you've always done.
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What do you do when youâre doing everything youâre supposed to do and it still isnât working?
Therapy. Medication. Meditation. Journaling. Working out. Building community. Asking for help. Sometimes weâre told that if we just do the ârightâ things long enough, eventually weâll feel better. But what happens when youâre doing all of those things and youâre still struggling?
In this episode, Kier Gaines takes on a series of listener questions that get into some of the hardest parts of being human: mental health, relationships, rebuilding after incarceration, family boundaries, and the uncomfortable reality of realizing that the life youâre building may not look the way you thought it would.
Kier starts with a listener who has spent years in therapy, tried multiple approaches, built community, and continues to struggle with suicidal thoughts. Rather than treating that struggle as evidence of failure, Kier asks a different question: What if the fact that youâre still here is part of the progress?
The conversation explores why healing isnât always about making difficult thoughts or feelings disappear. Sometimes progress looks like learning how to recognize whatâs happening, knowing when to reach for support, and being willing to try a different approach when the one youâve been using isnât working anymore.
Kier also responds to a man trying to rebuild his relationship after spending time incarcerated. He wants to know what he can do to fix things, but his partner doesnât have a clear answer for what she needs. Kier breaks down why âI donât knowâ can actually be an honest answer, why both people can be struggling at the same time, and how guilt can make us rush toward solutions before weâve actually dealt with the emotions underneath them.
Because sometimes youâre so focused on explaining why youâre hurting that you stop being curious about what the other person has been carrying.
The episode also tackles what happens when a parent moves into or near your household. Kier talks about the boundaries couples need to establish before the toothbrush is already in the bathroom and everyone is trying to figure out who gets a say. From parenting and decision-making to privacy and marriage, the conversation asks a bigger question: Who gets access to what?
â ď¸ Content Warning
This episode includes a conversation about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and mental health struggles. Please use discretion while listening if these topics may be difficult or triggering for you. If you or someone you know is struggling, support is available:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988 for free, confidential, 24/7 crisis support.
Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor.
SAMHSA National Helpline
Call 1-800-662-4357 (HELP) for free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information for mental health and substance use concerns.
FindTreatment.gov
Find mental health and substance use treatment facilities and resources in your area.
NAMI HelpLine
Call 1-800-950-6264 or text NAMI to 62640 for mental health information and support.
Mental Health America
Visit mhanational.org for mental health information, screening tools, and resources for finding support.
For Veterans, Service Members, and Their Loved Ones:
Call 988 and press 1, or text 838255 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
In This Episode
What to do when everything youâve been trying still doesnât seem to work
Why struggling doesnât automatically mean youâre failing
The difference between feeling like a failure and being a failure
Why progress isnât always about making difficult feelings disappear
Knowing when it might be time to try a different approach
The importance of continuity in mental health care
What rebuilding a relationship can look like after incarceration
Why âI donât knowâ can be a legitimate answer
How guilt can turn relationships into problem-solving exercises
Why asking âWhen did you first start feeling this way?â can be more productive than asking âWhat do you need me to do?â
How survival mode can make us hyper-focused on explaining ourselves
Why curiosity about your partner matters, even when youâre struggling too
Preparing your marriage before a parent moves into your household
The conversations couples need to have about parenting, decision-making, privacy, and boundaries
Why boundaries arenât always wallsâthey can be doors
How to recognize when a family arrangement isnât working before things become unmanageable
What happens when success turns the thing you love into a business
The pressure of visibility, expectations, and becoming a public figure
Why the grind doesnât always mean youâre living the life you actually want
Sometimes the thing youâve been doing isnât working anymore. That doesnât necessarily mean youâre broken. It might mean you need a different approach. A different conversation. A different boundary. A different way of looking at the problem.
And sometimes, it might mean admitting that the person youâre becoming needs something different than the person you used to be.
You donât have to have all the answers. You just have to be willing to stay curious enough to find the next one.
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Produced & Edited by Idea to Launch Productions
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
What happens when you finally get the thing youâve been working for and realize the hard part isnât over?
For a lot of men, success can feel like a finish line. We imagine that once we get the opportunity, the money, the title, or the recognition, the uncertainty will disappear. But what if success doesnât mean youâve made it? What if it just means youâve entered a new version of the work?
In this episode of Learned the Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with Hollywood producer and New York Times bestselling author Will Packer for an honest conversation about ambition, rejection, confidence, purpose, and the cost of the grind.
Will opens up about the years before the success people see now including delivering newspapers at 3 a.m. and eating ramen while trying to build a career in Hollywood and why he kept going when he wasn't even sure the work would pay off. Together, Kier and Will unpack âhealthy arrogance,â learning how to believe you belong without believing youâre better than everyone else, and why sometimes the most important thing you can do is pivot.
They also talk about learning from rejection, separating your identity from your biggest wins and worst moments, and holding two realities at once: being exhausted by the life you prayed for while still being grateful that you get to live it.
Most importantly, this conversation asks a deeper question: Are you chasing success because itâs connected to your purpose or because you need it to prove something about you?
In This Episode:
The years of struggle nobody sees before the breakthrough
Building confidence instead of faking it
What âhealthy arroganceâ really means
How to turn rejection into useful information
Knowing when persistence needs to become a pivot
Why your worst moment doesnât define you
The difference between external validation and purpose
Being tired and grateful at the same time
Why success requires a different muscle to maintain
Letting go of how you thought success was supposed to look
Finding the âmain thingâ when life gets loud
Why the grind can become addictiveâand how to know whatâs actually driving you
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Produced & Edited by Idea to Launch Productions
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Are you expecting your partner to be responsible for your peace?
We hear âI just want someone who brings me peaceâ all the time. But what does that actually mean? Does it mean never arguing? Never being challenged? Never having to deal with difficult emotions? Or does it mean feeling safe enough to be honest, vulnerable, and imperfect without worrying that everything you say will be used against you later?
In this episode, Kier Gaines breaks down what we really mean when we ask our partner to âbe our peace.â Because relationships are going to have conflict. Two people with different experiences, needs, personalities, and expectations are not going to agree on everything. The goal isnât to eliminate conflict. Itâs learning how to move through it together without turning your partner into the enemy.
Kier explores the difference between peace and relief, and why sometimes what weâre actually asking for isnât peace at all. Itâs relief from the stress, pressure, emotions, and responsibilities we donât know how to carry ourselves. And while your partner should absolutely be a safe place to land, they shouldnât have to carry everything thatâs weighing you down.
The conversation also gets into vulnerability, emotional support, and why romantic relationships can become overloaded when theyâre the only place we allow ourselves to be fully honest. Kier talks about the importance of having friends, family, therapy, community, faith, hobbies, and other spaces where you can process the different parts of your life.
And in this episodeâs listener question, Kier responds to a man trying to figure out how to forgive and rebuild trust after infidelity. Instead of rushing toward forgiveness, Kier asks the harder questions: Have you actually processed what happened? Do you trust your partner? Is she showing you through her actions that sheâs committed to repairing the relationship? And are you trying to recreate a relationship that no longer exists?
Because maybe the goal isnât to find someone who becomes your peace.
Maybe itâs to build a life where your partner can be part of your peace without being responsible for all of it.
In This Episode
What people really mean when they say, âBe my peaceâ
Why conflict doesnât automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy
The difference between peace and relief
How emotional safety shows up in healthy relationships
Why your partner shouldnât have to carry all of your emotional weight
What happens when vulnerability gets used as ammunition
Why men can struggle to build emotional support outside of romantic relationships
The importance of having community beyond your relationship
How to become more emotionally self-sufficient without becoming emotionally unavailable
Why âweâre on the same teamâ matters more than never disagreeing
How to navigate conflict without treating your partner like the enemy
What forgiveness after infidelity actually requires
Why you shouldnât rush to repair a relationship before processing the betrayal
How to know whether trust is actually being rebuilt
The difference between moving forward and trying to recreate the relationship you had before
Why your partner can be a safe place to land without being your kickstand
You donât need a relationship where you never experience conflict.
You need a relationship where you can experience conflict without losing the feeling that youâre on the same team.
Your partner can support you. They can listen to you. They can hold you when life gets heavy.
But they canât be responsible for keeping you standing.
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What happens when the thing youâve always used to measure your value starts disappearing?
For a lot of men, work has never just been work. Itâs how we provide. How we prove ourselves. How we measure success. And sometimes, whether we admit it or not, it becomes a big part of how we decide whether we matter. But in a world where AI is changing industries, jobs feel less secure, and everybody has access to the same information, being knowledgeable might not be enough anymore.
In this episode, Kier sits down with Jason Rosario for a conversation about the wisdom economy and why the experiences youâve accumulated throughout your life may become more valuable than simply knowing the right information. Jason explains why the future of work may belong to people who can take what theyâve lived, learned, survived, practiced, and observed and turn it into something useful.
Together, they unpack the difference between pivoting and expanding, why scarcity can make men chase opportunities that were never meant for them, and what it means to become grounded enough in yourself that losing a job, title, platform, or opportunity doesnât mean losing your identity.
Kier also gets personal about his own relationship with work, money, social media, fatherhood, and the pressure to constantly produce. The conversation moves beyond career advice into a bigger question: If you took away your job, your money, your accomplishments, and everything you provide for other people, would you still know who you are?
Because maybe staying relevant in a changing world isnât about becoming somebody new. Maybe itâs about finally recognizing the value in who youâve already become.
In This Episode
What the âwisdom economyâ means for the future of work
Why AI can give you information but canât replace lived experience
How men tie identity and self-worth to productivity
Why curiosity, discernment, confidence, conviction, and courage matter
Becoming âunfuckwithableâ instead of trying to become irreplaceable
Why play, joy, and adventure can feel uncomfortable for high-performing men
The difference between pivoting, panicking, and expanding
How scarcity changes the way men make decisions
Knowing when youâre expanding versus simply chasing opportunities
Why failure doesnât make you a failure
How to stop living according to somebody elseâs definition of success
Turning your experience into value without turning your trauma into your entire identity
A practical 90-day exercise for getting clear about what you actually want
Why sometimes the first step is simply asking: âIs this true for me?â
You donât need to have the most impressive rĂŠsumĂŠ, the loudest voice, or a completely new identity to survive whatâs changing. Start with the problems people already come to you to solve, the things you notice that other people miss, and the situations you understand because youâve actually lived them.
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Tap in: Share your thoughts, leave a review, or send this episode to someone who needs the reminder that theyâre not behindâtheyâre living their own timeline.
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Itâs hard to appreciate your own life when youâre constantly measuring it against somebody elseâs.
Their career is moving faster. They bought the house. They got married. Their business is growing. Their family looks perfect. And thanks to social media, somebody elseâs wins are always close enough to make you question whether youâre falling behind.
In this episode, Kier gets honest about comparison, social media, and the pressure to keep up with timelines that may have never belonged to us in the first place. He breaks down how comparison can turn someone elseâs success into evidence of our own shortcomingsâeven when we donât know the full story behind what weâre seeing.
Kier also challenges the idea that comparison automatically means jealousy. Sometimes you can genuinely be happy for someone else while their success forces you to evaluate your own life: âIâm happy for you, but Iâm sad for me.â The problem isnât always having the thought; itâs what we allow that thought to make us believe about ourselves.
Drawing from his own career, therapy work, and experiences as a creator, Kier explores why somebody elseâs success may come with sacrifices you canât seeâand may not even want. Instead of borrowing someone elseâs definition of success, he encourages us to get clear about what actually matters to us and decide which race is ours to run.
If youâve ever looked around and wondered why youâre not further ahead, this episode is a reminder that somebody elseâs timeline is not proof that youâre behind. Your story gets to unfold on its own time.
In This Episode
Why comparison feels so convincing
How social media turns someone elseâs highlight reel into your measuring stick
The cycle of noticing differences, taking inventory, and fixating on what you lack
Why comparison isnât always rooted in jealousy
How to hold two truths: âIâm happy for you, but Iâm sad for meâ
Why arbitrary timelines make normal detours feel like failures
The difference between someoneâs perceived success and their actual reality
Why your instincts about other peopleâs lives can be completely wrong
How Kier learned to compare in ways that strengthen his confidence instead of destroying it
Why someone elseâs success may require sacrifices youâre not willing to make
How to stop borrowing other peopleâs definitions of success
The questions that help you define what a good life actually looks like for you
Key Takeaways
Someone else winning doesnât mean youâre losing. Their success and your progress are two separate things.
Social media gives you milestones without context. You rarely know what something cost someone to achieve or maintain.
Comparison becomes dangerous when you use the gap between you and someone else as evidence that something is wrong with you.
You can admire what someone has without actually wanting the life required to maintain it.
The clearer you are about what matters to you, the less tempting it becomes to measure your life against somebody elseâs.
Confidence isnât built by winning someone elseâs race. It starts with knowing which race is actually yours.
Instead of asking, âWhy am I so far behind?â ask, âWho told me I was supposed to be there by now?â
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Produced & Edited by Idea to Launch Productions
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You can love your kids with everything in you and still not love being a parent all the time.
The pickups. The drop-offs. The schedules. The sleepless nights. The endless questions. The responsibility of being needed every single day. Parenthood can be one of the most meaningful parts of your life while also being exhausting, overwhelming, and completely different from what you imagined.
In this episode, Kier gets honest about his complicated relationship with fatherhood and why parents need permission to hold two truths at once: I love my children, and sometimes I don't like the job of parenting. He explores why fathers often feel guilty admitting they need something outside of their families and how easily sacrifice can quietly turn into self-erasure.
Kier also reflects on watching his own mother pour everything into being a parent while neglecting herself and how that experience shaped the father he wants to become. He breaks down the difference between being a good father and being a whole father, and shares practical ways he protects the parts of himself that existed before he became "Dad."
If you've ever felt guilty for needing a break, missed the person you were before having children, or wondered whether taking care of yourself somehow takes something away from your family, this episode is a reminder that your kids don't need you to disappear in order to prove that you love them.
In This Episode
Why loving your kids and loving parenthood aren't the same thing
The emotional complexity of admitting parenting is hard
Why fathers feel guilty for wanting time for themselves
The difference between sacrifice and self-erasure
How fatherhood can slowly become your entire identity
Why men often build their identities around work, service, and being needed
The hobbies, friendships, creativity, and dreams parents lose along the way
What Kier learned from watching his mother sacrifice everything for parenthood
The difference between being a good father and a whole father
Practical ways to reconnect with yourself outside of parenting
Why your children benefit from seeing you as a complete human being
The questions every parent should ask themselves when they feel like they're disappearing
Key Takeaways
Loving your children doesn't mean you have to love every part of parenting.
Sacrifice says, "My needs matter, but yours need to come first right now." Self-erasure says, "My needs stopped mattering when I became a parent."
Taking time for yourself isn't automatically selfish. Protecting your identity can make you a healthier parent.
Your children aren't only learning from what you do for them. They're watching what you doâor don't do for yourself.
Being a good father is about what you do. Being a whole father is about who you are.
Your entire identity doesn't have to revolve around fatherhood for you to be a good dad.
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Produced & Edited by Idea to Launch Productions
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What if the smartest thing you could say is, âI donât knowâ?
In this episode of Learned the Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with astrophysicist and former Division I football player Dr. Dakotah Tyler (Dr. Star Kid) for a conversation about curiosity, masculinity, identity, and what happens when the life you planned suddenly disappears.
Dakotah spent most of his life believing football was his purpose until a devastating knee injury forced him to imagine a future without the identity he had built his entire life around. In the middle of that uncertainty, he discovered astronomy, went back to community college to learn the math and physics he had never studied, and eventually became an astrophysicist.
But this conversation is about much more than science.
Kier and Dakotah unpack why so many men feel pressure to always have the answer, why admitting uncertainty can feel like admitting incompetence, and how our need to appear confident can actually keep us from learning, growing, and changing. They also explore the difference between being intelligent and being willing to learn, and why confusion isn't proof that you don't belong it's often part of the process.
They also get into the way we attach our beliefs to our identities. Because when changing your mind feels like changing who you are, new information can start to feel like a threat instead of an opportunity. Ultimately, Dakotah's story is a reminder that starting over doesn't mean you've failed. Sometimes losing the version of yourself you thought you were supposed to become creates room to discover something bigger.
In This Episode:
Why men are often conditioned to value certainty over curiosity
Dakotah's journey from Division I football to astrophysics
Starting over when your identity and purpose suddenly change
Why saying âI don't knowâ can actually be a sign of maturity
The difference between natural intelligence and learning through repetition
Why confusion and discomfort are necessary parts of growth
Separating your thoughts and beliefs from your identity
How masculinity can make failure and uncertainty feel dangerous
Why being willing to change your mind is a strength, not a weakness
Finding purpose by getting curious about who you actually are
You don't have to know everything. You don't have to have your entire life mapped out. And you don't have to stay committed to an identity, belief, or path simply because it's the one you've always known.
Sometimes you just have to be willing to find out what's next.
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