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How Babies Learn And Develop – Resources for Parents and Caregivers Apr 23, 2018

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How Babies Learn And Develop – Resources For Parents and Caregivers on Infant and Toddler Learning On this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet sits down with Brooke Henson, a long-time listener of the Learn With Less podcast, and mother to Everly who’s now 13-months old at the time of this recording. Ayelet says, “I’ve had the good fortune of getting to know Brooke over the last year, and I think her perspective, like all of the guests I bring onto the Learn With Less podcast, is one that can help us learn more about ourselves and our own experiences. I asked Brooke to be on today because her story is one that I think resonates with all of us, and her needs and desires as she grew into the incredible parent she is today, reflect exactly why I’ve created the resources you can find here at Learn With Less. I hope you’ll enjoy this great chat with Brooke.” Quick links mentioned in this episode Learn With Less® “Parent & Me” Classes for families with infants and toddlers Understanding Your Baby book Learn With Less podcast episode, “Support Development Without Going Crazy“ Text transcript of this episode Ayelet: Welcome, Brooke, to the Learn With Less podcast, I’m so happy to have you here. We have the good fortune of being able to connect regularly at our Learn With Less® classes and in general online. But I wanted to bring you on the podcast today just to chat a little bit because you’ve been here with me as part of the community and family since actually quite early on in the life of Learn With Less. So I just thought it was appropriate to bring you on, and since you have been the beneficiary of an advanced copy of the new book, Understanding Your Baby, and you are also a frequent attendee of Learn With Less® “Parent & Me” classes, I thought that maybe it would be nice to hear about your story, what we’ve done together, what Learn With Less has done for you, and just in general, your journey into and through motherhood so far. Brooke: Thank you so much for having me. Ayelet: Yeah, welcome! So glad to have you here. So tell us a little bit about your background. You have a now, 13 month old – is that right? Brooke: Yep, March 3, 2017, Everly is her name, little girl. Ayelet: That’s great. And tell us… well, I guess we could start, I mean, as much as you’d like to share about how she came into this world, and some of those feelings about your transition into motherhood. Brooke: Sure! so, I had quite a change when I decided to become a mom. I lived in Denver, Colorado for the last 15 years, and my husband and I decided that we wanted to start our family, and we really wanted to be close to our own families. We’re from Alaska, and that wasn’t really where we wanted to end up. And my parents had just moved to a tiny little town in Idaho, about an hour and a half north of Boise, Idaho. And so we kind of looked at that and decided that we wanted to make the move and be close to them, because my husband works two weeks on, two weeks off in Alaska, so he’s gone half the time. So, I really wanted to be close to my family to kind of help raise my little one to be. So, we made the move, got pregnant right away which was just a huge blessing, and I was working remotely from my company. I left a very social, high-stress, marketing job and social life… I mean, we lived in downtown Denver – we could go to an Av’s hockey game, a Nuggets basketball game, and a concert, all in three days – and walk there! So it was just… we knew it was going to be a change to move to a new town, and by town, I mean tiny town compared to what Denver had become! So, not only was I working remotely, from home, in a new city, pregnant, it was a very difficult transition for me, even though that is what we signed up for and wanted. I just kept thinking, like, I can’t wait to have her because of all the moms groups! When you’re pregnant, you’re not technically in the moms group or in the breastfeeding group, or in the xyz… so I felt, like, in this limbo of where to meet new people. So I was really looking forward to having her so I could start going to those mom groups. Ayelet: Being part of the club! Brooke: Yeah! I ended up having her 6 weeks early. I had a placental abruption – that’s where your placenta is detached or detaching from your uterus, so very scary birth, and then got… you know, I wasn’t ready! I wasn’t ready in regards to work, I wasn’t ready in regards to the nursery, everything was in boxes, in the room. So, all of that set aside, I had read a lot of books, I felt like I was prepared in that sense. But when she came, I really struggled with what to do with her all day. And, the first few weeks, obviously, you’re just trying to keep them alive. Ayelet: And yourself alive! Brooke: But… it wasn’t until about a month in that I felt like I wasn’t maximizing my time. And coming from a very stressful marketing job that I was go, go, go all the time, doing multiple things. I mean, the amount of stuff that I got done in a day at that job is just, I mean, it blows my mind, now! You look at going from that to staring at this infant, and I just really was… I really had some struggling around how to, you know, make sure that I was doing the best job that I could as a new mom: now that I wasn’t in that marketing position, this was my new job! And I just felt like I didn’t have the resources to know exactly what to do. Even though I had read the books. Ayelet: What kinds of books had you read? Because a lot of people, when they’re pregnant, and myself included, read all about (if you’re interested in birth) read about birth! Right? What is birth going to be like, because you’ve never done that before. Brooke: Well, I was scared of birth, so I avoided that topic altogether. I had no birth plan, luckily, because it didn’t go as planned. The books that I read were healthy sleeping… really, the science behind why the babies need the sleep, how much they could be getting, you know, so I really liked knowing why they need the sleep, and that, you know, naptimes are different sleep than nighttime sleep. I read a lot of breastfeeding stuff because I was planning on breastfeeding, which, also didn’t go as planned. I read a lot on, you know, your first week by week of baby’s first year… so, just kind of the general… Ayelet: A nice gamut, actually, you were… you were quite “prepared” as it goes! Brooke: Yeah! I thought! Ayelet: Right! Exactly! Let’s hear about that. Brooke: But yeah! I mean, it never really talked about what to do with your baby all day. It talked about what to do for diaper rash. It talked about what to do for a fever, teething, but there wasn’t really anything about connecting with your baby, or skin to skin, or singing, or that stuff. And my mom was, you know, a huge part of the first few weeks – my husband had to go to work, so you know I was watching her with my baby and she was singing songs to her, and doing voices and all… you know, and I was just like, “I don’t even know that nursery rhyme.” Like, I don’t know the words. So, I just kind of sat back and watched, and the more I watched her, the more I was learning, but, then she’d leave! And so then I was like, oh gosh, you know, should I be singing to her? How often should I be singing to her? Why should I be singing to her? What can I be doing with her right now when she can’t even turn her head. So I was really looking for guidance on that. That’s when I actually found the Learn With Less podcast. Ayelet: Woohoo! Brooke: And I’m not sure exactly how I found it. I think I was googling podcasts, because at that time I couldn’t read, right? Because your hands are full. So I needed something in my ear, and wanted it to be baby-related. And then I noticed it was something that I could do with her everyday, and since there are so many episodes, I really went back and started at the beginning. So, it was something that I could sing the songs, the Hello Song with her, and as you went through, you know, one or two different songs, you know, I would learn them with her – she had no idea what was going on at that time, but it was something I could do for me and for her at the same time. And I really liked that it became part of our routine! So, we did one a day for many days. And it is funny because if I sing the Hello Song to her now, she stops and she recognizes that song, because she heard it everyday for months! So, as I started listening to that, I remember emailing you, a year ago, and saying, you know, this is exactly what I needed and, you know, I hadn’t really found anything like that, and I felt like I was just really connecting to everything you were saying. I was part of a lot of Facebook support groups in regards to breastfeeding because I was having a lot of issues with that, breastfeeding groups here in town, and I was meeting new people, but it was just so surface. I didn’t feel like we were really getting down and dirty of like, ok, how are you singing to her in a day? Or what different songs, or any of that stuff. I felt like it was kind of… there were always a few know-it-alls in the room. I don’t know, just didn’t really connect. So, from there, you know, did the whole podcast, and then reached back to you. And then you had, you know, the whole email program where it was like, oh! You can read more on this and read more on that! So I just kept, I mean I just couldn’t get enough, I was just like, anything you had to offer, I wanted to read. And I started learning a lot! In regards to songs… which, you know, I know it’s not just about music, but at that time, that really was kind of what I was looking for. But also, you know, understanding how she was developing and learning. And in your book, you mention that we feel more empowered as a parent with the more knowledge that we have about that development… and that couldn’t be more true! I was really good at my job before I had a baby because I knew it inside and out. And when I became a parent, I didn’t feel confident in what I was doing. It felt right, it felt genuine, but I just wanted to make sure I was making the most out of every moment that I was home with her. Ayelet: Tell me more about that empowerment. What did it feel like those kinds of resources empowered you to feel or to do? Brooke: I would say knowing the science behind why to do it made me feel more comfortable in doing it and repeating it. I’m not sure if that’s answering the question… Ayelet: Totally! I think that really is a big piece of it, because a lot of times, we sing because our babies respond to it, or we sing because it’s what we see our moms do it or our families doing or somebody else doing… or because a commercial told us to do it, you know? But yeah, I agree – when we understand a little bit about why to do it… and not by reading an entire book about infant development, but little snippets here and there that you can get that are easily digestible, then it does – it allows us to say, ok right! This is actually improving our connection, this is her cognitive development, this is, you know, addressing all of these specific things, and that’s why I should do it! Brooke: Or like, I guess a few examples would be activities that you had recommended – ones that we had talked about previously – blowing bubbles and what that does for them. So, you know, eye tracking, being able to talk about the bubbles, and maybe hoping that they’re starting to get some head movement – encouraging that. You know, the social smile and all of those kinds of things, all within… oh! We can just – that’s one way to do it! You know, I’m not just blowing bubbles at her – here are things that we’re looking at or encouraging with that activity. So that part I really liked. And in the book, you do go through, “here are things to try, but here’s what to look for when you’re doing them” or “here’s what to focus on when you’re doing them.” Ayelet: So, tell me a little bit more. Let’s go back, because you mentioned the kinds of communities that you have been part of. What was appealing to you about the Learn With Less® “Parent & Me” classes and having something like an online community – because, you also mentioned that you’ve been part of Facebook groups and different kinds of online communities before. What was different for you about what these classes were going to be all about? Brooke: So, the communities that I was part of were very focused on certain topics. The only one that got a little broader was the Wonder Weeks – you could pick the month that your baby was born, and that was a great way to see how different every baby is at a certain time! I just felt like it was just all over the board. And again, these groups are so huge, you’re never really going to connect with anybody, you’re really just kind of comparing yourself to their situation. Maybe you’re offering advice here and there, but you’re not building relationships with 20,000 members of a group. So, the Learn With Less® classes was something that I actually wasn’t out searching for. I was really in it for all of the resources that you had. And when you started the community, I was like, well this is nice! I mean, I’m surrounding myself with moms that have very similar mindsets – they all want to, I mean, if you look at some of the members of the group, they all want to be the best moms that they can and have really creative ways of engaging with their babies, and it all is about their development and, you know, those interactions – playing with the baby, whereas, some of those other groups are just… all over the board. And, you may not agree with a lot of what they’re saying. I just… I really felt like, as the community grew, I was like, wow, I really have a lot in common with these women. Ayelet: So, some of the connections, it sounds like, are based in the fact that it’s a place with people who really are trying to maximize their time with their little ones. So, what are some of the kinds of things that you get out of being a member, both specifically and in general? Brooke: In general, I would say, it opens my eyes to new activities. So, I get a little mundane in the same kind of tasks. Other moms’ ideas on how to spice things up or ways to… like, the other day, somebody put in there, “here’s a way to play with my child,” and did like a paper towel holder, and you know, ways to put objects through the hole on that… and I was like, oh gosh! That’s a really great idea – why didn’t I think of that? And, you know, that was something that I could just go, grab and do, right then! And I didn’t have to go to the store, I didn’t have to pay anything, you know, to have a fun little experience with her! So, I would say, in general, it’s just more about insight to how others are playing with their little ones. And then, I would say on a personal basis, I would say I’ve needed some gentle support, I guess, in regards to having my husband gone half the time, and wanting to pull my hair out, and just looking for, I guess, reassurance, that we’re all doing a really good job and the best we can do. Kind of like a, “you go, mom” kind of thing! So, I feel like I get both more resources from the moms in addition to support. And like I said, you know, I just feel like I have a lot in common with these moms. Ayelet: It’s neat, too, because we are all very, very different, and we are all over the world, literally. And the thing that we have in common is a desire to support our little ones, and to support each other. That’s, I think, the other piece of it, that it’s a place that nurtures both our little ones and then also ourselves and each other! Brooke: Mm hmm. Yeah, and if you get on those big groups, I mean, it can get really negative really fast. A lot of mom shaming. And there has yet to be one comment that has been even remotely, like, even interpreted wrong. You know, that it would be, in my opinion, on the group, everybody is there in a very positive way. Even if they’re struggling with…

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Managing Relationships In Early Parenthood Apr 17, 2018

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It’s not uncommon to have relationship problems after having a baby – having a baby can put strain on any relationship! On this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet sits down with Julia Wenegrat, a licensed marriage and family therapist. We spoke about Julia’s journey into her work with families, the ways in which her experience as a mother of two young children has changed her practice as a marriage and family therapist, Julia’s favorite tips for new parents and caregivers trying to manage relationships (with a partner and with additional primary caregivers) during those early infant and toddler years, and additional resources she recommends to families who are seeking information. Julia’s work integrates the entire family, and she believes that we are all deeply impacted by the people that surround us. Our conversation centered around tips and strategies to manage partner relationships, but applies to anyone co-parenting in any sense of the word. Quick links from the episode: The Gottman Institute “And Baby Makes Three” by John and Julie Gottman (affiliate link) Learn With Less podcast episode, “Emotional Regulation in Young Children” Learn With Less podcast episode, “Labelling Emotions” Learn With Less podcast episode, “Happiness and Relationships” Learn With Less podcast episode, “Using the Language of Listening with Infants and Toddlers” Text transcript of this episode: Ayelet: Welcome to episode 56 of the Learn With Less Podcast. Today, I’m speaking with Julia Wenegrat, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Julia enjoys providing therapy with a focus on anxiety and excessive worry. As a therapist, she believes it is important to create a space where clients can feel safe to explore the changes that they would like to see in their own lives. Her area of particular expertise is working with the entire family during the therapy process, with the understanding that we are all deeply impacted by the people that surround us. Julia is also the mother of two young boys, and navigates the stresses of parenthood and partnership on a daily basis! So, welcome, Julia, we are so happy to have you, here! Welcome to Learn With Less. Julia: Thank you, thanks for inviting me. Ayelet: I asked you to come onto the show today to speak about the ways that we as parents and caregivers can manage the relationships that we have with others during these very sensitive, often overwhelming years of early parenting. But first, let’s just hear a little bit about you and what brought you to the work that you’re doing today! Julia: Absolutely. So, I received my degree in marriage and family therapy up in Seattle, Washington, and after I received my degree, I went into private practice with somebody who specialized in anxiety using a more cognitive behavioral model. And so I spent a couple of years working from more of an anxiety-based approach, working with kids and adults. And then, when I moved with my family down here, the Bay Area, I joined a group practice and really started to blend in the experience that I had working from the CBT model and with anxiety into a more family and couple-based approach. And so that kind of blend is what I’ve been doing professionally and moving forward. And I really love it, it’s super exciting. Ayelet: I’d love to know a little bit about how your experience as a mother of two young children has changed your practice as a marriage and family therapist, if at all? What have you maybe become more sensitive to or more, shall we say, “realistic“ about? Julia: Yeah, I think that’s a great question, and definitely when I was learning about all the parenting approaches in grad school, everything seemed kind of laid out in a very black and white rule book way. And, as I became a parent of one child and then two in fairly quick succession, I, perhaps, quite often, would look around my house and realize that I was doing the best that I could, and that things were all falling apart around me, despite of me doing my absolute best. And so I would say that how my practice has been impacted is just a continued, very personal realization that we’re all doing our best, and as lofty as anyone’s goals may be about how they want to parent, or how they want a day to go or how they want a schedule to go… it doesn’t always happen that way, and we just kind of pick up the pieces and… and move on, and we’re all doing our best. Ayelet: Yeah, it’s a sort of a realism. Julia: Definitely. And the more kind of traditional behavioral approaches, as well, can be quite rigid, and I just think the reality of day to day parenting and of living in a family (no matter how old your kids are) are just not quite as rigid as the textbook says. Ayelet: Yeah, I think we probably all feel that way. And when we read parenting books in general, we feel that way, I think, as well! What about… I mean, just to get a little personal, it would be wonderful to hear… I think, you know, for myself, as a speech-language pathologist, as someone who, you know, works with young kids and has certain lofty ideas about how to raise children, I have to step back when I talk to my own husband about how children learn, or grow, or play. And when I have to sort of step back and manage how I talk to my partner, I’m sure that that is something that you experience and encounter as well, especially as a marriage and family therapist! And you’re smiling as we talk, so I think that you probably, you find that, too? Julia: Absolutely! I think that’s something that we all struggle with… I mean, the thing that I try and keep in mind is that I know what I know about theory, but it’s also important to me in my own marriage that whatever we decide to do that I really want to hear what my husband has to say. And frankly, I mean, I don’t really feel that I’m the expert on anything, so, I’m open to any opinions, and quite regularly while parenting, I look at a situation and think… “well, I’m not exactly sure what the best thing to do is, here. I’ll try something and see how it goes.” So, I feel like we can kind of come together. And honestly, I would say the one thing that I’m pretty firm on at this point, and my boys are almost three and a half and 20 months, so, pretty young, so this could change in the future. But at the moment for me, I would say the one thing that my partner and I are, in the moment, that we kind of back each other up, and that we provide consistency to our children about whatever the consequence or the good thing, whatever that is, that luckily my partner and I agree on a lot of the big things, and some of the little things, I just need to – I need to just let that go around the edges. Ayelet: Yeah. Well, and I think that delicate balance is something to be found, as well. Nicely said. Alright. Let’s take just a quick break to hear a word from our sponsor, and then we’re going to hear a few tips and resources from Julia about how newer parents and caregivers might manage relationships, particularly and primarily with regard to partner relationships and then other primary caregiver relationships during those early infant and toddler years. Ayelet: Alright, Julia. Let’s hear those tips. This is a topic that I know we all struggle with, myself included. What are some of those things that you’d like to suggest for our listeners to, I guess, keep top-of-mind when we’re all struggling with bandwidth, essentially, is what it comes down to? Julia: Sure. And, Ayelet, I don’t know if… this is maybe not what you’re thinking of, but I do think this is the most important thing, which is that, I don’t know about everybody else out there, but as I became a parent, and then a parent again, and then started to juggle work and everything, I felt like, oh my god, there are like so many lists and so many things I should be doing and family dinners, and taking time for myself, and self-care, and all of these things… that really, I honestly think the most important thing is whatever you’re doing, that it works for you. Ayelet: Hear, hear. Julia: Like, I don’t know, if you want to co-sleep with your children, if that works for you, co-sleep with your children. And if you don’t, if you never want your children in your bed… I just don’t, I don’t think that there’s a right or a wrong. Ayelet: Yup! Julia: So, that is, I think, the number one tip. To say, is this working for me, how I’m approaching my family, whatever your family looks like. And if it’s not working, then figuring out how to make some changes and to experiment with it. That, I personally think, is my number one tip. But then, in terms of communication, I think there are some things with communicating. Obviously, being a parent, there’s the ever-present kind of sleep deprivation, having to have a million different people talking to you at once, needing a million different things, so some things that I think are helpful… I don’t know, something that I always try to remember is assuming similarity – with your partner or whoever else is co-parenting with you. I think that often times in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say, “oh, my partner’s the worst.” Or somehow, they kind of become the enemy, especially when we’re feeling defensive or tired. But, if possible, remember that your partner is similar to you, you’re choosing to live your life with, or parent with, your partner. So that, I think, can change the course of the conversation. Does that make sense? Ayelet: Yeah! And I think maybe we’d love to hear just an example, maybe what that looks like, maybe an example or an anecdote, if you can provide something. Julia: So like, for instance, often times when we’re communicating, especially in conflict, if your partner is saying something – and I’m just saying your partner, it could really be anybody. They could be… if you disagree with them and you’re feeling defensive, it’s easy to just sit there and wait and to be kind of gathering your resources purely just to wait for their response. But, if you’re able to sit there and say, ok I assume that we’re in this together, and that my partner shares similar values, and that I think they’re a fundamentally decent human being, you know, how do I really listen and understand what they’re trying to say? Listening and understanding what my partner is trying to say is very different than agreeing, right? I’m not saying you have to agree, but really when somebody feels genuinely listened to and understood, I think that really lowers the defensiveness – all around. And then the conflict can become more like a conversation. Ayelet: Oh my gosh, absolutely. How can you show someone that you’re feeling listened to and understood? Julia: I think, exactly that way – by saying, “I feel like you really… like you really hear me, or like you really understand what I’m saying.” And then, from the other person’s perspective, I think it can really help, to say, hearing… I mean, these words sound so simple, right? But in conflict… let me go back a step – if you think about what happens just physiologically to your body when you start to go into conflict: your heart starts to race, you know, you maybe start to get sweaty, your mind starts to go a million miles an hour, right? So if you can work on soothing yourself in those moments, then you can really bring that physiological reaction down, to a point where you can start to have a conversation. And to say things to your partner like, “this is what I hear you saying. Am I hearing you correctly?” Ayelet: Nice! Yeah. That’s great. Julia: And sometimes, you know, sometimes self-soothing in those moments… and obviously, this is just kind of the ideal situation. Like, maybe if you’re arguing about, like a pot of water boiling or something that has like a time-sensitive need, that’s a different situation. But some of the stuff that we, as couples, fight about over and over again, they’re the same fight, and there’s not necessarily a time-sensitive aspect. And so, it’s possible to slow that down. Soothe yourselves, calm yourselves, agree on a time that you can kind of come back, and then really work on listening and understanding. Ayelet: Yeah. That’s important… thoughts. And hard to do, of course, right? I mean, when you say it, it sounds, all these things sound so simple, right? Julia: Totally. Ayelet: But, of course, like, we are exhausted, we’re in that – in the moment, we’re in that sort of fight or flight response mode, and it’s so hard to remind yourself of those things. Julia: 100 %. Ayelet: What are some other tips that you’ve got for us, Julia? Julia: So, what have we done so far? Assuming similarity, really listening and acknowledging the other person’s perspective, working on understanding – so, working on self-soothing. Ayelet: We focus so much on getting our infants and toddlers to “self-soothe,” right? But, we have to do it too, for ourselves! Julia: And I actually think – this is a little bit on the side, sorry, but, I think that modeling soothing yourself can be really helpful for your child, right? Our children don’t know how to react to their own emotions. And so showing them that you also have emotions and what to do with that, or that you’re figuring out what to do with that, can be a really helpful learning experience! Ayelet: Huge, yeah. We’ve got a lot of Learn With Less podcast episodes about that labelling emotion and emotional regulation, how to teach that to infants and toddlers. But yeah, it’s true. When we can make good practice of that ourselves, we are not only taking care of ourselves, but taking better care… I don’t want to say “better care,” but taking care to teach our children and support our children’s social and emotional development. Julia: Exactly. No one is a finished product, right? No family is a finished… it’s I don’t know about everyone else, but I feel like, “oh, everything’s kind of taking over!” then something happens and everything falls apart. So, I think… Ayelet: Yeah! Exactly. I think it should be said, too, that you and I can sit here talking about how these are excellent practices, but I know that I, and I know that you… we are constantly struggling! We are all constantly struggling with keeping it together, with reminding ourselves to do these things. And I think that when you hear from any kind of… you know, this is why I hate the term “parenting expert,” because there’s no such thing as a parenting expert. There is such thing as a professional who has a lot of information, and has access to that! And of course, that is the whole idea behind something like the Learn With Less™ Curriculum, because it’s giving ourselves access to the information that we can then figure out and experiment with how to implement that in our own lives. Julia: Exactly. I think a lot of it… I guess the last thing that I think is useful to keep in mind, and this is at a different level for everybody, but kind of exploring that value of perfectionism in yourself, and what does it mean? What is my new role as a mother? What are my expectations of myself? Is it to have children who are always happy and perfectly dressed? Or, how do I judge myself when I feel like I fail? I think there’s a lot of this kind of persona, right, of like the Pinterest mom, and what it means to be the perfect mother out there, and challenging our own preconceptions of motherhood, and kind of coming to terms with the good days and bad days, and kind of loving ourselves through it. This is probably another survival strategy. Ayelet: Do you have any tips for that? Julia: I think just talking about it, like we’re doing. Talking about it, and I think the thing that’s really worked is to be really humble about it. You know, you talked about this idea of no such thing as “expert,” and I do think that, you know, having two kids has been a very humbling experience in very many ways, but part of that humbling has been, “ok, what did I think I could accomplish and what am I actually accomplishing.” And I could be really frust…

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The Power of Play Through Movement Apr 12, 2018

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They say infants and toddlers learn through movement, but why is movement so important for infants and toddlers? On this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet sits down with Wendi McKenna, a pediatric physical therapist, family coach, and founder of the website Move, Play, Grow. Ayelet and Wendi’s discussion centers around the fact that young children learn through movement. Even though our culture often places a strong focus on cognitive and social/emotional development, these areas are most efficiently addressed through movement! The episode also covers Wendi’s journey into providing education for new parents (and her strong belief in the power of play), the reasons why movement is so important for infants and toddlers, Wendi’s best tips for incorporating more movement and play experiences into our lives with our young children, and her favorite resources for more – and deeper – information about the benefits of movement and play, and how these impact learning. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE Learn With Less podcast episode with Tracy Cutchlow on the Language of Listening Pathways.org Dr. Michele Borba Dr. Laura Markham (founder of Aha Parenting) CONNECT WITH US! Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube Wendi: Website / Facebook / Instagram / Twitter Text transcript of this episode Ayelet: Welcome to episode 55 of the Learn With Less Podcast. Today, I’m speaking with Wendi McKenna, a pediatric physical therapist, family coach, and founder of Move, Play, Grow. Wendi merges the science of infant and child development with the art and energy of daily living to support parents to create, trust, and live their authentic vision, to connect deeply with themselves and their family, and to love and nurture their babies and children profoundly. She is also the mother of three incredible, unique beings! Wendi, welcome to Learn With Less! Wendi: Thank you, Ayelet, it’s wonderful to be here! Ayelet: We’re so happy to have you – I’m finally having you – I’ve been on a couple of your projects, and I’m just so happy that we are connected! It’s wonderful. So, I’ve asked you to come onto the show today to speak about some of the reasons why movement is so very important for our tiny people. But first, I would love to hear just a little bit about your journey into new parent education, because I know that you and I really share a very strong belief in that power of play and connection. So, tell us just a bit about how you got to the work that you’re doing today. Wendi: Cool, awesome. Well, thanks again for having me, and welcome everyone who’s here online – I’m really excited to be here with all of you. I am a pediatric physical therapist by trade. I’ve been doing it in the clinic for 18 years now, which has been incredible. And I knew that it would be somewhat good “mommy training” once I, you know, jumped into that realm, but I had no idea how much it would actually help me. But then, it also helped me to shift, too, because, as a therapist, a lot of times, we are trained to look at the gap. And we are trained to help kids fill the gap, and we are trained to help parents help their kids fill the gap. The problem with that is that our focus is on “the gap,” not really honoring and believing and trusting that where we are today is truly “enough.” And so, when my first baby was born, and we had a very challenging birth, and she was born blue, and they had to do deep suctioning, and she went right to the NICU nurses, you know, before she came over to me… you know, this is the path that many of my children that I treat in the clinic take. So I was terrified, and immediately got into “therapy mode” – loved her as a mother does, but was always looking for the sequellae of neural impairment… because I know that that’s the path for so many of the babies that I see in the clinic. And, so from the very beginning with my oldest, saw the gap, treated the gap, and missed out on a lot of the “mommying.” Missed out on a lot of the love, and the true connection, and seeing her for who she is, rather than trying to fix her. She is now 11, and I’m seeing that some of my ways of being with her when she was a young infant and a young toddler have brought into it some self-confidence issues with her – not feeling worthy, not feeling enough. And I just kind of went, “oh my god – what have I done?” And at the same time, giving myself grace, because that’s the best that I knew then. And I’ve learned a lot. And I used to say, like, when I learned something new, I’d be like, “oh, well, too late for that! Let’s have another baby, try over!” And that’s why we have number two and number three! You know, even with number three who’s now 5, like, there’s still gonna be things that I’m gonna come across and go… I wish I had known this then! And, at the same time, what’s so wonderful about bringing the science into all this, is that the science itself is shifting. The culture of science of looking for the gap, looking at what’s wrong, is shifting. So now, we are seeing research that’s coming out that’s saying, “let’s meet who these beings are – how do we nurture them to be even bigger?” you know, so that they are growing – we’re not searching, we’re growing. And this place of being is so much more beautiful than looking for and living in the gap. And I think so many of us live in that gap, and if we get the opportunity to shift out and truly believe in your heart and soul that you are enough, and then through just simple things in your daily life, simple tweaks of what you’re doing and the way that you’re being, can make all the difference for you and your kids. Ayelet: Yay!!!! Exactly! [claps and laughs] Wendi: So that’s what I’m doing! So I’m living this, I’m living this dream daily, it’s a daily practice – it doesn’t just come to you, “ah ha.” You know, you get to create a vision for yourself and for your family, you get to create mantras for yourself and for your family, and you get to be in alignment with the way you are and what you do, to prioritize the things in your life that are in alignment with that. And get into that true, authentic knowing that you’re enough and that what you’re doing is supporting your bigger dream. Ayelet: Yes, exactly. That’s it! That’s totally it. Alright! Ok, so that’s the big picture. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty, here. Why is movement so important for infants and toddlers? Wendi: Oh my goodness… Ayelet: In five seconds or less! Just kidding. Wendi: Ok, so, form follows function, and behavior becomes biology. I had the ability to take adaptive biology courses, and kinesthesia courses in college. But it is so true that we are built from the skeleton, and the muscles that attach to that skeleton, to move a certain way. And so the development of the skeleton, as it is related to movement, and how the brain is related to controlling that movement… everything is a unit. And so, what we tend to do is kinda, you know, develop our kids’ brains a lot. We wanna develop the brain and we want them to have social/emotional health, and we want them to have cognitive and learning health, and, you know, all the stuff – you know, those are really the top two things that a lot of parents are kinda of looking for, is the social/emotional and the cognitive… and it’s almost like we’ve separated the head from the body. You can’t have social/emotional or cognitive health unless you are integrated with your body! And so, when we put our babies in containers (you know, we can talk about containers all we want), but you know, those things that you see from floor to ceiling in big box baby stores that, you know, prop your baby into positions that they themselves cannot get into, because they love being there – and, thank goodness they love being there, because they have to work so hard to get there! Right, they are Olympic athletes, these zero to twelve month-old babies. You know, they go from being these totally dependent, can’t-do-anything-against-gravity, to these awesome, you know, toddling around, exploring, getting back up again, in 12 months! And so the growth that occurs in the body, the growth that occurs in the brain, the growth that occurs in the sensory system in that first year of life will never be matched again. What you get in the first year of life is what you get. And you can make up some of the gap later on down the road if you end up missing it, but why do that if you can just get it done the first time around? Ayelet: From the very beginning. Wendi: So, let your baby move. Create spaces that are safe for them to move. Let them be on the floor. And when they are not on the floor, wear them as much as you can. Because wearing them, rather than putting them in devices, they are close to you (getting that connection), they are feeling and responding to human movement, if there’s skin-to-skin contact, you’ve got more regulation skills that are happening – not just with temperature regulation, but with heartbeat, breathing, being, you know, because they’re close to you. And it’s always going to be different, because the way that you move is different, and they get to feel human movement, versus being in a plastic container where it’s always the same thing every single time. So, the hallmark of typical development is variety and variability. So, the more that we can provide them the opportunity to explore that variety and variability, the more they’re gonna tap into that! Ayelet: Exactly. And this is not to say, I mean, I think a lot of us use those containers, because they help to save our own brains and bodies and lives in certain moments. This is an education for us. This is an education for parents, this is the “why” behind you know, you hear this all the time, you know, “well don’t put your baby in a container” – well, here’s why! And once we understand the sort of scientific background behind all of that, then we get to make those decisions for ourselves, we get to decide, ok, what are those negotiables for me? What is, in this very moment, what is the easiest thing, the best thing, the best thing for my family, the best thing for my family and for my baby’s development? And you know what? If putting a child in a container for a few minutes at a time is the best thing for you in that moment so you can get dinner on the table and everyone can relax? That’s ok! What we’re talking about is habits, and general behaviors. So, yes – the hallmark is variety. I think that’s so important. Wendi: Right. And the thing is, you know, I’ve walked into families’ homes where they provide variety by having all the different containers! Right, you have the sitter, you have the stander, you have the swing, you have the bouncer, and it’s like, I’m giving my baby all these things so they can develop! And… just so you know, that’s not how babies develop. So, we need to help them have the foundation of how to control movement forward-backward, and how to control movement side-to-side, and how to control movement in rotation. So those are the three planes on which we move, and when you see somebody walking down the street, or you see an Olympic athlete doing their thing, or any sort of, like, crazy dancer – I just love watching dancers, they make it look effortless! And the reason that they can make it look effortless is that they have control on all of those planes of motion. And we can give that control to our babies – our babies are supposed to have that control on the floor by the time they are six months old! Ayelet: That’s amazing. Wendi: A six-month old, on the ground, has complete head control, which means that they can sequentially roll across the room without their heads ever touching the floor. They can defy gravity into planks that you wouldn’t be able to hold, right? They are doing baby planks! And, see, babies aren’t doing this as much anymore because they aren’t getting that floor time. And if they are on the floor, a lot of the time, it’s not on their tummy. And where they really do develop, you know, a lot of their muscles. And so, we can dive more into that if you want to, but the idea is that we really need to allow them the opportunity to develop. And if they are in a container, they are contained. Ayelet: Yes. That’s what it comes down to. Alright, Wendi, we are going to take a break to hear a word from our sponsor, and then we are going to hear a few tips and resources from Wendi about her best tips for incorporating more movement and play experiences into our lives with our infants and toddlers. Ayelet: Ok, Wendi, let’s hear those tips. So, for me as a speech-language pathologist, that sort of communication piece came very naturally to me, but I was less familiar with the motor milestones when I had my first baby. So, I’d love it if you could give us sort of a set of a few ideas about positive ways that we can be physical with our infants and toddlers, maybe just give us a nice fresh set of ideas and easy tips to integrate movement into the kinds of activities that we may already be doing with our little ones. Wendi: Ok, so starting with the youngest ones, you know, in that fourth trimester, and while your baby is still in a diaper, taking the opportunity for the diaper changing table to be a place of play and movement, and not just a place to get rid of icky diapers. And so, you know, my babies ended up being the happiest on the changing table, because they were awake, they were fed, and they got to be naked for a while. So, when, and I wish… and I might be able to back up. I’m gonna step out of the screen really quick, because I want to show you my doll. This is Max, so I can show everybody. Ayelet: Ok, so for all of you listening to the podcast, Wendi’s holding up an adorable baby-sized doll. Wendi: So basically, our babies are small enough to pick up “in plane.” So we pick them up, we place them somewhere, we pick them up, we place them somewhere. So, instead of just picking them up and placing them somewhere, instead, take a moment to pause – and think, how would you move from point A to point B. So, when I’m getting out of bed in the morning, I’m not just magically on my feet. And yet, this is what happens to our babies. They are lying down, and then magically they are just upright, in your arms. And it’s like, “how did I get here?!” And so the sensory experience of that, first, is a little bit overwhelming and jarring. It’s almost like a giant coming behind you and then picking you up. And then also, the movement experience that you could be helping them and facilitating with them, is lost. And so it’s not about adding something new to your repertoire, it’s about tweaking what you’re already doing. So, instead of just placing your baby (I’m gonna back up a little bit) – instead of just placing your baby down on the changing table, straight like this, what I recommend is that if you’re holding them here, you place them on your bottom. Ayelet: So, they’re in a sitting position. Wendi: They’re in a sitting position. So my hand was under their bottom already. Now, the ground is under my hand. So, I can slide my hand away, and there’s a very smooth transition for like, ok, I felt supported, I’m still feeling supported, it’s, instead of from Mommy’s hand, it’s the changing table. And I’m far away from the doll because I don’t want to tip my microphone, but I would usually stay in close, so that they still feel supported. Ayelet: In an “embrace” position. Wendi: In an embrace position. And then from that point, depending on how much they have head control, instead of going straight backwards, I’d take the opportunity to say, “oh, let’s go over to the side, on our hip, and then roll back to the changing table. So that’s taking them down to the changing table. Ok, so before we get into actually changing the diaper. Ok, so before we get into actually getting into changing the diaper. When you pick them up, it’s not just about picking them up straight up again. It’s about helping th…

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Family Wellness and Self-Care for New Moms Apr 03, 2018

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We all know the importance of self-care for new moms… we need realistic solutions! On this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet speaks with Shannon Shearn, a health and wellness coach and personal trainer. Shannon is passionate about helping women (especially moms) regain control of their wellness, and prioritize their health and happiness. Shannon is the owner of Savage Wellness, a remote coaching business to help bring affordable, high quality fitness, nutrition and wellness coaching to mamas everywhere, creating a community of support, motivation, and inspiration. She is a mom to two young children, and has made it her mission to provide realistic solutions that match a “new mom” lifestyle. She believes wellness is about being healthy in both mind and body, and encourages her clients to focus on living a healthy and happy lifestyle. We speak about how to simplify self-care for new moms – making healthy choices in both the traditional sense and also for ourselves in this raw time during early parenthood, Shannon’s best tips for getting in more physical activity when you have tiny humans to care for (without having to go to the gym, find childcare, or feel guilty if you’re a working mom for spending more time away), and Shannon’s favorite resources for wellness and self-care. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE: Wellness Perks just for Learn With Less listeners! Shannon’s Savage Wellness programs and services Wise Mama 30-Day Meditation Challenge – Exclusively for Moms S. Well Moms Facebook group “You are a good mom” affirmation mug (affiliate link) Connect with us Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest Shannon: Website / Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest Text transcript of the episode Welcome to episode 54 of the Learn With Less Podcast. Today, I’m speaking with Shannon Shearn, a health and wellness coach and personal trainer. Shannon is passionate about helping women (especially moms) regain control of their wellness, and prioritize their health and happiness! She is the owner of Savage Wellness, a remote coaching business to help bring affordable, high quality fitness, nutrition and wellness coaching to mamas everywhere, creating a community of support, motivation, and inspiration. Shannon is mom to two young children, and has made it her mission to provide realistic solutions that match a “new mom” lifestyle. She believes wellness is about being healthy in both mind and body, and encourages her clients to focus on living a healthy and happy lifestyle. Shannon, welcome to Learn With Less Shannon: Thank you so much! This is exciting. Ayelet: We’re so happy you’re here! I’ve asked you to come onto the show today to speak about some of the ways that we can simplify the notion of self-care, right, which as parents of infants and toddlers can sometimes feel like an impossibility! So, first, I’d love to hear a bit about you and what brought you to the kind of work you’re doing today. I understand that you are a reformed circus performer, turned mom and health coach! So, let us know – how did you get here? Shannon: Yeah. Well, it’s kinda, you know, I’ve weaved my way over here, but… I won’t even go back into before I became a circus artist – I tried quite a few little careers here and there. And then, yeah! I ran away and joined the circus! I moved to Montreal, and then to Sweden. I was really enjoying pushing my body to its limits. I was in my late 20’s and didn’t realize this could be possible, and so just kind of enjoying this whole discovery of how you can re-invent your life so late – well, late-20’s is still pretty early! But you know, you think you’re grown up and you’ve done all the things, and you had dreams, but they’re kind of on their way out, and so, it was just kind of this amazing experience that I got to do, having been a gymnast as a kid and it was awesome! And then, let’s see, I broke my leg… well, broke a lot of things, but the last one was my leg, and it just was… it was going to be a long road to get back to where I needed to be. And I was, at this point, 30, and just kind of thought, you know, that was fun, I have some stories to tell my grandkids, so I’m ready to settle down! And, luck would have it, there was a very handsome man waiting for me back in California… Ayelet: Ha! So you could make those babies to make your grandkids! How lovely! Shannon: Exactly! We got engaged, we got married, and we’ve known each other for so long it was kinda like, ok, now we know we work, so let’s just do this thing! We had kids and I was like, well, what can I do now? I really like helping people get healthy, so I just started doing that. Yeah, I worked a lot with the elderly population at first, I watched my grandparents age and all the issues that came up with them, with not having any strength built in. So, I worked a lot with people with Parkinsons, and all sorts of “getting older issues.” And then, of course, when I had kids, it just kind of evolved, and then I started to work with moms. And that’s when I started really seeing the need for a different mental approach – this missing piece to fitness for moms. And it’s not just being skinny and being fit and being able to play with your kids – it’s about the whole mental aspect of being happy and fulfilled and making time for yourself, so you’re not punishing yourself in the gym. So, that’s how I started piecing this whole thing together! Ayelet: So, let’s talk about this notion of taking care of yourself. Ok, so how, in your mind, can moms especially make healthy choices in both that traditional sense of sort of that eating and fitness and exercising piece, but also for ourselves in this raw time of early parenthood? Shannon: Well, it’s hard – it’s hard even for me! I love being a mom and taking care of my kids, and so it’s just what I want to be doing. I want to take care of them, I want to cook healthy dinners, I want to be out with them and engaged with them, to hold them when they’re crying and snotty and let them barf all over me. Like, I just want to do all those things, and I love it, but I’ve realized there would just be this breaking point where all of the sudden, I would just realize, “I’m covered in barf, I haven’t showered in a week, and I’m not doing anything for myself.” And so, I would hit these kind of blocks of just, “oh my god, I need somebody to help take care of me.” And, I would see that in my clients, too, especially with the workouts and just, you know, “I couldn’t stop eating the cookies, and I was just so angry with myself,” and it was like, “no, no!” If you’re going to have cookies, be happy about it! You don’t have to be angry with yourself! So, I realized there was a lot of self-talk that came into the picture, and just kind of teaching people (myself included) how to allow yourself to take care of yourself. So, I started with little things. We do breakfast, I clean up from last night, and then, I sit and drink a hot cup of coffee. And I tell my kids, “no, I won’t play with you.” And at first, they were like, “um… what?” And I just said, I need to drink this coffee. I did my stuff for you, now you can play, I’m going to sit right here, I’ll talk to you, but I’m not getting up out of this chair until I finish my coffee. And now, you know, I just say, “I’m not done with my coffee yet,” and they say, “ok!” and then they keep playing, and it’s – you know, it’s easy! It’s hard to make that effort, but it’s easy once you start, and they get it, and they see you being happy and prioritizing you a little bit, and you’re needs. And they start to understand like, “oh hey, she’s a person, too, yeah.” So anyway, it benefits the kids too, and that’s what I really started seeing. And that’s where you can start talking to mamas too about, hey, this is also for the kids. Ayelet: Yeah, that’s a really good point, because when little people see us doing things for ourselves, that shows them that we can all do that! So, but your kids are a little bit older – not older-older, but tell us about your ages of your kids? Shannon: Matthew just turned five in February, and Jason turned two in November, so, yeah. Ayelet: So, what about when they’re slightly littler, smaller. What are some of the other kinds of things that you can talk to us about, the kinds of self-care strategies that you like to practice or suggest to new parents. Shannon: Well, I coach a lot of parents, I coach a lot of really new moms, so I definitely have a lot of tips and strategies that I use for having infants around because you can’t just walk away, you can’t tell them no… I mean, you can, but… they don’t get it. Ayelet: If we’re talking about ‘best practice,’ here… Shannon: So yeah. What I try to talk to new moms about is celebrating small successes and realizing that you have control. So, we kind of talk about taking back control of your health and saying, you know, I might not be able to get to the gym, I might not be able to shower this… week, but I can drink enough water today. I can take a multi-vitamin. I can, you know, just these little baby steps! I can hold this baby, and I can do 15 squats. You know, just little things that help you see that you’re in control, and that you can do things that benefit your health, so that when you do eat that bag of cookies (because you’ve been breastfeeding all night), you can say, “but look! Look at all these healthy choices I did make, and I just needed that!” I just needed some cookies, and I do feel better, and now I’m gonna take the baby for a walk, and drink my water, and take my multi-vitamin! So I think helping kinda give permission, is a big, big part of that early parenthood thing. Ayelet: Yeah! In all senses of the word, I think! I mean, it’s like we need to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves, to take a nap, like, why do we forget all this? Well, of course, because we’re sleep-deprived and we’re slightly insane! Shannon: And they’re so cute! Ayelet: And they’re so cute! You just want to look at them. I want to know… alright, so you’ve been giving us the example of the cookies. What are your things? Do you like cookies, or do you.. Shannon: Actually, well, yeah, I love a home-baked chocolate chip cookie – that, to me, is probably the perfect food. But, you know, I’m a junk food girl. I love any processed meats and cheeses… which is just not that healthy. And one of the big things that I talk to moms about is taking those toxins – the preservatives, and all that junk that you’re putting into your body, and trying to get that out of there, because at least, if you’re not going to change the amount that we’re eating (which, we shouldn’t have to if you’re hungry, you should eat), but just clean it up. Eat a little cleaner. But, that being said, we all have the things that we love, and I love French fries and I love hot dogs, and yeah – I just kind of develop little rules around those things. And so, I help people say, ok, if it’s Girl Scout cookies, here are some rules that we can set, you know, maybe only after 4 o’clock, and maybe stick to half a box of cookies, or you know, just sort of giving yourself… and so for example, I’ll eat French fries once a week, and that’s it. And if I’ve had my French fries for the week, then I don’t have them again the next day, that’s it. But I know that I’m allowed to. So, just having that feeling that I’m not sneaking this and I’m not doing something that’s not good for me, I’ve got a rule, and I’m sticking to it, and I can still eat my French fries, and be healthy, too! Ayelet: Nice! I love that. Ok, so let’s just take a little break to hear a word from our sponsors, and then we are going to hear a few tips and resources from Shannon about her favorite ways to get in more physical activity and other self-care when there are little people to care for! Ayelet: Alright, Shannon. Let’s hear those tips. We’d all like to get out of the house and get to the gym, but you know, faced with expenses and the notion of finding childcare, even the working-mom guilt of spending even more time away from our kids, what are some of your tips for new parents to get in both more physical activity or other wellness strategies when there are young kids at home? Shannon: That is a great question. And that is one of the reasons why I started this – because my kids, they don’t go to daycares, they’re pretty clingy, they cry and then they come get me and say, “hey, your kid’s been crying for 15 minutes, don’t come back.” So, I had to get creative! I love taking the kids out for walks, I live somewhere where that’s pretty easy! So, that’s another thing, I mean, it also depends on where you live. But, I get the kids out, with the older kid, I put him on his bike or his scooter so that we can kind of move the pace along. And at first, I would kind of just tell him, hey, this my workout, so we’re gonna go kinda fast, and he would want to stop and smell flowers or, you know, look at the dead animals on the road, but you know, I would just kind of say, you know you could be in day care, but you’re here with me, and let’s have fun doing my workout. And then we’d go to a playground and they could play, and I would do some strength work on the playground, step-ups onto the little thing, and sometimes I can involve them in the game, like, I can do little peek-a-boos… And I think it just kind of helped me feel like I was getting something out of a time that they were really enjoying, too. So, you know, setting up little races and say, ok, I’ll race you to the end of the block – to get my heart rate up a little higher. So that’s one of my favorite ways to get kind of actually a more intense workout. But other things I love to do are just, I keep a set of hand weights upstairs and one downstairs, and if the kids are playing nicely, I’ll just do a little circuit of exercise – and often times they’ll join me! And you know, just knowing that it’s ok to put the weights down and go help the kid. And so you’re not stuck in this, “oh, I’ve gotta get this workout in, and it’s gotta be 40 minutes.” It’s like, no, no, I squeezed in a set of bicep curls and did some push-ups over here, and did some squats. So just kind of understanding it’s all about just little things that you can do! So just squeezing it in whenever you have a few minutes. One of my clients, she calls them her “potty squat-ees.” Every time she goes to the bathroom at work, she does a little set of push-ups against the counter, squats, some jogging in place – I can’t remember exactly what it is, but it takes all of a minute and a half, and she just does it every time she goes to the potty! You know, creating little things like that. Little routines, little places where you can add them in, so I talk to clients and say, oh, “if you have to hold your baby all night…” well, maybe not at night, but during the day! You know, here’s some ways that you can get some exercise in with the baby, so just kind of staying active, and just realizing that making a choice to be active for five minutes is so much better than making no choice. And you, know, they all add up. That’s what I do for activity. I just feel like a lot of, especially moms, just need to learn how to squeeze it in, and how to go from being someone who goes to the gym for two hours, three times a week, to maybe somebody who does 5 minute circuits, you know, everyday. Ayelet: Mm-hmm. What other kinds of wellness or self-care other than physical exercise? Shannon: Well, I recently started meditating. When I started doing these private programs for people, and kind of showing people how to get healthy in a certain amount of time, one of my first clients was really into meditating. And she’s like, “oh, well I do this every morning.” And I was kind of like, well I’m not really sure I can teach you much – because she’s already working out, she goes for runs, and so I didn’t think that I was able to teach her much, and she actually taught me about meditation. So I was like,…

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A Story of Raising and Working With Children With Autism Mar 28, 2018

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Are you looking for resources about autism spectrum disorders in the early years? In this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet speaks with pediatric physical therapist, Leslie Hayden about her experience as both a professional working with children with autism spectrum disorders, as well as a parent of a child with an autism spectrum disorder. Ayelet and Leslie discuss Leslie’s personal journey into her son’s autism diagnosis, some of the basics about early indicators of autism spectrum disorders, the ways Leslie’s professional background influenced her journey as a parent of a child with autism. In addition, we discuss Leslie’s tips and resources that have been helpful in her navigation of the world of autism spectrum disorders and that she references as a professional working with children on the spectrum. For the last 29 years, Leslie’s first love has been early intervention, but she also works in schools, homes and in a clinic setting. She believes in celebrating each success and feels lucky to share these special moments with families. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE: Autism Speaks Social Thinking website (Michelle Garcia Winner and her “Zones of Regulation”) Social Stories by Carol Gray Learn With Less podcast episode, “Using Visual Supports for Early Learning” Text transcript of this episode Welcome to episode 53 of the Learn With Less Podcast. Today, I’m speaking with Leslie Hayden, a pediatric physical therapist who works with children on the autism spectrum, and mom to an amazing 18-year old son, Wes, who also happens to have an autism spectrum disorder. For the last 29 years, her first love has been early intervention (working with infants and toddlers), but she also works in schools, homes, and in a clinic setting. With advanced training in sensory processing, she incorporates these principles in treatment and provides educational workshops to parents and teachers. Leslie enjoys working with multi-disciplinary teams and believes empowering parents is the best way for children to succeed. Leslie is proud to be part of All About Kids, an office she shares with pediatric speech and occupational therapists. She believes in celebrating each success and feels lucky to share these special moments with families. Welcome to Learn With Less – so glad to have you. So, I’ve asked you to come onto the show today to speak a bit about both your professional and very personal experience with autism spectrum disorders. So, first can you just tell us about your background professionally, and a bit about your personal journey into your own child’s autism diagnosis. Leslie: Well, I think you summed it up pretty well. I’ve been a physical therapist for 29 years, and work strictly with children (because I don’t get along with adults very well – they whine too much). And so, I had a lot of background when we adopted our child at 8 months. We certainly didn’t think we were gonna go down the autism road with him! In the prior years, I’d worked with lots of kids that were on the spectrum. Lots of different diagnoses, lots of sensory stuff. So, it was interesting to welcome a child into our child that had all these issues, but we didn’t know it at the time. He had a lot of medical issues early on, so we thought, ok, we can deal with the medical issues. And then over the years, it just kind of became a… I don’t know how you say it! We had a lot of different diagnoses, but he evolved into a diagnosis of autism – which wasn’t very shocking at the time, but looking back, we certainly didn’t expect it. Ayelet: Right. Well, I mean… I can’t imagine that any parent does! So, tell us a little bit about… in what ways did your own professional background influence your journey as a parent of a child with autism – because, as a person who works with children, what was that like to sort of “bring that home,” and realize… Leslie: Well, it was really interesting. You know, he… because he had so many different presentations when he was little, it was first kind of ADHD-like things, and then a lot of sensory processing things, and then a lot of behavioral things, which we didn’t know. So, I think as a professional, it was real easy for me to go, “you know what, there’s something not right here.” And so, I was able to make connections with other people and the specialists and… and it was real helpful. And my husband laughs about this, because I speak the language. And so, being able to do that and being able to interpret, and being able to see the things that were going on and relate them to the specialists. I think that was really helpful. Ayelet: Can you tell us a little bit about what some of those things were? You mentioned behaviors, you mentioned the sensory things. Can you tell us more about what that looked like specifically, with Wes? Leslie: Yeah! And it was really interesting… as I was preparing for this, I was thinking back about how he looked so ADHD-like when he was a baby. With the medical issues, though, everybody said, “well, he’s adopted, we don’t know his background, it could be that… we don’t know if ADHD runs in his family.” And then, there were all kinds of sensory issues, which, again, could maybe go along with, you know, prenatal alcohol or whatever… and we didn’t have any record of that. So, it was primarily the attention – impulsivity. He had some language deficits that we had early speech therapy for. A lot of the doctors said, “well, you know, he’s been through so much medically that you just need to let him catch up. He’ll grow out of it.” And we were like… mmmm, no. Hereon-in, the meltdowns started to occur and he was three hours, screaming, inconsolable, ripping his room apart, things like that – that’s not typical! Ayelet: Right. About what age was that, just to give our listeners a bit more… Leslie: About age four. Which, ironically, at age four, I started noticing seizure activity. And one thing I didn’t know, even as a professional, was that one in four kids that are diagnosed with autism also have the seizure disorder. And, you know, in my practice, I didn’t know that! And so, once we got him on medication for that, that helped a little bit. But, he was never a kid that did, you know, the typical… he always made good eye contact, he had a lot of good gestures… so it never really crossed my mind that it could be that way. Ayelet: That it could be an autism spectrum disorder. Leslie: Yeah! It wasn’t on the radar! It was, ok, we’ve got ADHD, we’ve got sensory, we’ve got some cognitive issues, but none of the, what I would consider the hallmarks of an ASD diagnosis were there when he was little. Ayelet: Right. Let’s talk just a little bit about that. Because, since we have a lot of listeners who are first-time parents and caregivers, can we chat just a little bit about some of those more typical early signs that can help parents to be more cognizant about what they might want to look out for – given that, as we know, that there’s an adage in the professional and personal world of autism that, “if you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve met one child with autism” because it is a spectrum and it’s something that exists for every family and for every individual in a slightly different manner! But what are some of those typical things that we are trained to sort of “look out for?” Leslie: Well, the first thing that we see is not babbling. In my professional world, I have been involved in ADOS evaluations as a motor person, and for those of you that don’t know, it’s the Autism Diagnostic Observation Scale. And we always, when we go into these things, we talk about, “does your child babble?” And this is early. This is around age two. Not pointing, not showing toys or things to people, limited play with toys, really poor eye contact, lack of a shared enjoyment in play, the little ones can be more interested in the objects rather than people. Sometimes they’re really hard to cuddle, sometimes you’ll see a child that’s what you’d think “neuro-typically developing,” and then all around age two, they lose the ability to speak. So, they lose their words. The other thing that shows up is repetitive actions, so like hand-flapping, spinning, looking at wheels, looking at things sideways, so those are all things that kind of make you suspect that it could be an autism spectrum disorder. Ayelet: And I want to make sure that we say something about, you know, if your child is simply inspecting a wheel from a side angle, it’s not necessarily autism!!! I think the danger in knowing too much is that we know too much! And, as with anything, it’s important to take all of these things, first of all with a grain of salt, but also to look at our children holistically, and to understand that… I think as far as what you were saying about the communication part, for instance. So many of those pieces about babbling and gesture use and engaging with play, that’s the social part of communication, right? That’s communicating for a social purpose. And we often gesture and point to help another person see what we’re trying to talk about. And a child who might be on the autism spectrum is often less engaged socially with others, and a lack of gesture use, for instance, might be an indicator that that social ability is more difficult for that individual. Leslie: Yes. And when you say that, one of the things I – our experience as parents and my experience as a professional doing these ADOS evaluations and evaluating kids on the spectrum, were that there’s a lot of different thigns that explain the early list of ASD warning signs. You know, part of it could be hearing loss. It could be the lack of a nurturing environment. It could be prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol. It could be severe ADHD, sensory processing disorder where, you know, they’re so sensitive that they’re holding the world kind of “back” and so it looks like they’re not engaging. A lot of times, too, we see auditory processing disorders that explain some of those things. So, even though it’s an early list of ASD signs, it’s – you have to have a comprehensive evaluation to be able to tease out all the pieces. Ayelet: Right – and to distinguish one thing from another, potentially. Leslie: Mm-hmm. In my, in our case, our son was diagnosed with ADHD and a non-verbal learning disability, and the seizures, and then as we went along in his development, the seizures were controlled, the ADHD was sort of controlled, because with seizures, you can’t use certain medications because it lowers your threshold for seizures)! And then, ultimately, after going though this process, he grew into a lot of these, like, repetitive – he does a lot of this kind of stuff, and getting stuck on topics, and having super interests that were a little odd, like with farm equipment. Ayelet: And I just, because some of our listeners are listening to the podcast, what you were doing is, he does a lot of “this” as far as repetitive hand movements – that’s what you were modeling for us. Leslie: Yeah, he’s never been a spinner, but a lot of children will do the hand flapping. But when he’s excited, this is what my son does… a joyful expression of who he is. Ayelet: So, it’s sort of a movement – a changing over of the hands. Interesting. Yeah! So, let’s just take a brief break to hear a word from our sponsors, and then we’re going to hear from Leslie about the kinds of information she found useful on her own journey, and then the resources that she likes to share with other families as a professional. Ayelet: Alright, Leslie. As both a professional and a parent, what thoughts or suggestions, either specifically or generally, do you feel are “actually” useful for parents and caregivers who are in those beginning stages, maybe suspecting something might be going on developmentally, or seeking services, or even seeking a diagnosis. And then, the other side to that question, what suggestions do you have for families and friends who might be supporting a parent through this journey? Leslie: Well, I think the first thing to tell parents is to trust your gut. If you think there’s something going on, there probably is. You know your child better than anybody in the world. And so, I would encourage people to seek out good medical care. Go to your pediatrician, say, hey, this is what I see, and then start the process of weeding it out. It could be… it could be nothing, but I always say that non-diagnosis is just as important as a diagnosis. And then, the other thing, I was talking with my husband about this and… because we had so many diagnoses on our journey: don’t focus on the diagnosis! If you suspect something, and you get a referral for a speech therapist or an occupational therapist or a physical therapist, or a counsellor, let those evaluations kind of guide what you do. Having a diagnosis is good, because in some states you can get extra help for kids that have ASD. But, the chances are, that when you go through those therapies, you’re going to be going through and addressing the things that the child needs anyway. So, the diagnosis isn’t as important. And, as always, the diagnosis isn’t your child. So, one thing I would also share as a parent is, because I was a pediatric PT, it was important to me that my child continue to move on the developmental path and… he had some other ideas! So, I spent so much time trying to fix him that I missed a lot! So, I really tell my families, enjoy. Enjoy your child. Enjoy all the pieces of your child. Yeah, you can work on therapy things, and that’s great! You integrate it into what you’re doing. But your child has to be a child, too! And I think that’s super important. A comprehensive eval will help weed out things, and, you know, when I say comprehensive, I say occupational, physical and speech therapy. Because there could be something else going on that mimics Autism, but it’s not! Then you can go on and have somebody, maybe, that has the right credentials do an Autism – the ADOS, which is the Gold Standard of diagnosing, but it’s not a stand-alone thing. Let’s see, I had a couple others. The seizure piece: because that really blindsided us! And, we work in our clinic with a lot of kids on the spectrum that that’s never even come up for. And, we see it, and then we refer back to the doctor, and sure enough – that’s what’s happening! And once you get that addressed, then the child’s a lot more available. Ayelet: Yeah. I like that word. That’s a very apt way to describe it. I think one thing that stands out for me about some things that you’ve said is that comprehensive piece that none of this stands alone. And one thing that might be happening may be related to something else way over here. I think that this goes back to what you were saying about having a diagnosis: it’s not about the diagnosis, it’s about having an understanding of what’s going on with your child. Where your child’s strengths are, as well as where the child’s weaknesses are, so that you can use the strengths to build up the weaknesses and work on all of that skill development in conjunction, together. Leslie: Absolutely. You know, the other thing that you had talked about is how to help – how family members and friends can help. You know, a couple things you may experience is, “oh well, you know, Autism is such a hot topic now, you’re just looking for things.” So, that’s – that’s a real thing. And we had some push back in our family, you know, “oh, that can’t be it.” And then once we went through everything that it wasn’t, and we were left with what it is, we went to autismspeaks.org, and that’s a really good website for being able to talk to people about it. And they have a specific link about how to explain this to family. And then once, I copied all that off, handed it off to all my family, and they were like, “oh, that makes sense, now!” And so they’ve been able to structure their homes, parties, family parties and things, that are more friendly to our son. And it’s… that…

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Using the Language of Listening with Infants and Toddlers Mar 22, 2018

Show notes

If you’re looking for tools to help navigate the “parenting” portion of parenting infants and toddlers, look to the Language of Listening On this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet speaks with author Tracy Cutchlow about one of the most difficult and important areas of raising young children: when our little ones are driving us crazy, how do we keep it together ourselves to raise a “good” human beings and support their development? Ayelet and Tracy discuss the basic principles of Language of Listening®, ideas and research behind positive parenting strategies (and why these are often effective), and when parents can start using Language of Listening® strategies should it resonate with them Tracy is an award-winning journalist, author of the international bestseller “Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science,” and editor of the best-selling brain development books, “Brain Rules for Baby,” “Brain Rules for Aging Well,” and “Brain Rules.” Tracy is a licensed Language of Listening® coach, she is a mom, and she’s a recovering perfectionist, herself. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE: Language of Listening (developed by Sandra Blackard) Get notified when Tracy’s course opens Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science by Tracy Cutchlow (Practical reference to what the experts say) Brain Rules for Baby by John Media (Edited by Tracy; she describes it as the “why” and Zero to Five as the “how”) The Whole-Brain Childby Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson (Emotions, teaching kids how their brain works) Parenting From the Inside Out by Dan Siegel(Understanding your own triggers and childhood attachment) CONNECT WITH US! Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest Tracy: Website / Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest TEXT TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE Welcome to episode 52 of the Learn With Less Podcast. Today, I am speaking with Tracy Cutchlow, an award-winning journalist, author of the international bestseller “Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science,” and editor of the best-selling brain development books, “Brain Rules for Baby,” “Brain Rules for Aging Well,” and “Brain Rules.” She is a licensed “Language of Listening” coach, she is a mom, a recovering perfectionist, a triathlete, a yogi, and a nature girl. Tracy, welcome to Learn With Less! Tracy: Thanks so much. Ayelet: I have asked you to come onto the show today to speak about a few issues related to positive parenting, and specifically, the “Language of Listening,” but first let’s just hear about you and what brought you to the kind of work that you’re doing today. Tracy: Yeah! Well, as you mentioned, I started out in journalism, I was used to being very competent in my career, then had a baby, and didn’t feel so competent anymore! Ayelet: Very relatable! Tracy: Ha! What really brought me to this work was feeling scared that I didn’t know what the heck I was doing and, because of that perfectionism that you mentioned, my approach was to really research all of the possible options to find the absolute best, and really use science as a way of guiding me because, after having edited those brain development books, I knew there was such good information out there that I needed, that other parents needed. But I wanted to know, you know, like one level deeper – like, how exactly would I apply this as a parent? Ayelet: Right! Tracy: Yeah, so if the books would say that Sign Language is great for communicating with a baby and here are all the benefits it has for brain development, but I wanted to know like, how did researchers teach those babies Sign Language? Ayelet: Right, sort of those actionable, applicable strategies and tips we can all use to actually implement things that we learn about! Tracy: Yeah, very practical… and just, you know, most books have a lot of words in them! Ha! I’ve been there, but with a newborn baby, you just don’t have the mental bandwidth for all of that, to dig back through all the books I read and try to find just the “how to” tips was too much. And so the book that I wrote is really… for me trying to solve those problems, I figured I was not the only one who would have them. And so my book is really like, one tip per page, chunks of information, very practical, and pretty! You know, it doesn’t look like homework! Ayelet: Right! And a coffee table parenting book – amazing! Tracy: Yeah, yeah, that’s really what it is. But then the way that I came to Language of Listening in particular, you know around age two or three, things start to get difficult in a different way. There’s so much, what feels like defiance, and things come up from your own childhood – like, things start triggering you that you didn’t even really know were there. And so I went off on a search again to find the best tools that I could for discipline, and then I felt like Language of Listening really synthesized everything that I knew about brain development, and was understanding about positive parenting. It’s really like a simple framework for it, so… Ayelet: Great, well, we’d love to hear a little bit more about that. If you can tell us about that. So, if you can tell us about the Language of Listening, and really just get us started on some of the basics about its foundations, and what it is, exactly. Tracy: Yeah. It’s really, it’s a way of communicating with children that is really focused on acknowledgement around their strengths. I think so often, we’re focused on what our kids are doing wrong, and what we’d prefer them to be doing instead – that deficit model, really. And when you think about it, you know, how does that interaction really leave your kid feeling about themselves? And I think for many of us, the model that we have for how we might communicate with kids is very much about like, “well, I expect you to obey me immediately, to just hear what I say because I’m the one who’s asking you.” And when they don’t, then we take it personally, and it’s an affront, and then it’s gonna start escalating and… there’s no good place to go from there. And what I’ve found with Language of Listening is that when you start from this place of connecting with your child and really acknowledging where they are in that moment, it’s amazing for cutting down on these power struggles, just like not even getting into the escalation. And it’s just a really accepting way of being – like, really paying attention to who your child is and accepting that, and looking for ways for them to meet the needs that they have in that moment. And I think about walking in on a kid who’s… well, here’s an example. I walked in on my daughter in the bathroom. She was up on the counter spraying the mirror with a water bottle. And my first thought was, “Aaah! What are you doing up there? What are you doing?!” you know? But, what I was able to say instead, because of Language of Listening, was, “oh, you’re spraying water on the mirror!” Because the first step of it is to just say what you see in the moment. And doing that lets you come to the situation without a judgment about it. Which, of course, if we start with the judgment, then we’re only setting ourselves up for defensiveness and power struggles and all of that. Ayelet: Exactly. And it’s amazing how early our children learn that they need to defend themselves against a judgment! I mean, I find that just fascinating. Tracy: Sure, yeah! Nobody wants to feel like they’re wrong, right? Or they’re bad or… Yeah, it’s funny. I think kids are clearly their own people. They have their own ways of doing things, their own wants and likes, and I think there’s this period where it’s kind of hard for us to “get” that, because as infants we’re so used to them being so reliant on us, and we’re doing everything for them, and when their personality pops out, it’s just sort of like, “wait a minute!” Ayelet: What happened, exactly! Yeah. Wait a second, you’ve got your own way of doing things. And it’s not always in cahoots with how I’m doing it! Tracy: Yeah, we have to learn to really live together! And to understand that we can’t really control another person, and our role with our child is more about coaching than behavior management. So the other thing that that “say what you see” step does is just to allow you to kind of pause for a second… Ayelet: I was going to say, that’s a really useful tool, pretty much for any relationship! Tracy: Right! Exactly! Yeah, so in that kind of split second, I was able to realize, like, ok, if you’re going to play with water, the bathroom’s a pretty darn good place for that! And so, then I was able to notice more about the situation, right? And instead of getting upset, I said, “oh, it’s almost like you’re painting with water. Look at these little patterns!” And then, you know, “here’s a towel for you to wipe up the mirror when you’re done!” Yeah! So, it really could have been a completely different situation where she would have felt bad about being up on the counter, about making a mess on the mirror. All of that. And instead, she leaves feeling like, “oh, I’m a creative person, making a painting on the mirror!” Ayelet: Right. Tracy: And, my mom expects me to clean it up when I’m done. Ayelet: Exactly. And you leave… I mean, I think for many parents, it’s so important to reframe this in… well, this is not about just allowing our child to run wild. This is about actually managing our own expectations and allowing us to look at why we’ve made a rule, what good that rule is, and what it is about our parenting and our discipline strategy that’s important and what’s maybe not so important. Tracy: That is so critical. It’s easy to make a ton of rules and not even know where they came from. But yeah, to sit, step back, and say, what are my real values here? Like, when we can operate from our deepest values, that is huge. Ayelet: And look what we’re doing for our children when we do that! Tracy: Absolutely. Yes. Ayelet: It’s not always that simple, obviously. Tracy: It’s such an important guidance for us, and a way to stay connected with our intuition. You know, I do value creativity and independence, and so I was able to go back to those things in that moment. Ayelet: Yeah! Well said, I love that. Tracy: Well, what’s behind – you know there’s a lot behind all of that, right? Ayelet: Yeah! Tracy: You said, you know, this is not just about letting your child run wild. And, that’s true. What it’s really about is understanding that children have several needs that they are meeting. They’re meeting one of those needs at every given moment, and what we can do is look for what that need is, and help them meet it – but in a way that’s ok with us. S o, in Language of Listening, which was developed by Sandy Blackard out of play therapy, she has synthesized the needs of children down in to three: connection, experience, and power. And yeah, so when you’re in a situation with your child, instead of just reacting or taking something personally, it’s so useful to have this lens of, “oh, which need is my child trying to meet right there?” You know, with the bathroom, it would have been “experience,” right? And so I could look at that and say, “yeah, ok, she’s getting that experience. The rule that I have is about cleaning up afterwards.” So, I can focus on that and it’s all good. So, experience is about how children use their bodies in the world, what they can do. And connection is obviously about that feeling of love and belonging. And power, such an important one! To know that all of these three needs are healthy needs for our children to grow. And they have this natural drive to meet those needs! That kind of flip of “power” being a healthy need was really important for me – to see that yeah, we all need that feeling of control over our lives and to look for ways to provide that for my child just in small ways throughout the day. You know, with a toddler, it’s really about, you know, “do you want the blue cup or the red cup?” Very simple choices! That gives them that sense of control. Ayelet: In a world that is rapidly expanding for them, brain-wise, like, literally, they do! That is, I think such a key point, is that they need to feel in control about something when their world is getting bigger. I mean, we all have that! It’s an innate human need, for sure! So that reframing of, “ok, well you can have the power within this specific way that I’m comfortable about giving you either of these choices.” And I think that’s really the key, because I do think we hear, “oh, give your child choices!” And many parents and caregivers think, “well, too many choices isn’t good for a child,” or “well, you’re giving him too much control because you’re giving him so many options,” but to me, it’s really all about giving two options where you’re comfortable with either of them. And ultimately, it’s essentially, you know, “you can have either of these things so that we can get to this thing that I am actually in charge of.” Tracy: Haha. Yeah, you know, you have to pay attention to which scenarios you’re giving you child the option in, for sure. It’s not like, “do you want to bike or drive?” – that’s not a fair choice! And you’re not giving them options when you really want them to pick this one. It’s not like you can have an agenda behind it. And yeah, and it’s not like, “what would you like for breakfast, one of these six things?” It’s really just these two choices that you’re ok with. Ayelet: Exactly. That’s great. So, when can parents start using these techniques related to the Language of Listening, would you say, Tracy. Is it something that families also with infants and toddlers of all developmental levels can use, as well? Tracy: You know, with an infant… well let me first, there’s actually three parts to it, and I mentioned the first one, “say what you see,” being your first reaction in any situation. The next is, if you see something that you don’t like, to give a “can do,” which is something your child can do that meets that need that you identified. Ayelet: Experience, power, and connection. Tracy: Yup! An alternative that would help them meet that need. So, if they were jumping on the couch or something, and you had a rule against that (I used to have a rule that you could only jump on the couch because we lived in a condo with people below us!) but a lot of people have a rule that you can’t jump on the couch! Then you would think, ok, my child needs to be very physical right now with their body, so the alternative that I give couldn’t be something like “why don’t you go do that puzzle,” it would be more about where you can jump or when you can jump. So, that’s the “can do,” and then the third part is to “name a strength.” And that’s such a beautiful… I love really integrating that into so many of our interactions with our kids. And that is about looking for whatever – whatever you can come up with! It could be… even in a moment where if they’ve thrown something. Could you even find a strength in that, like they threw something soft. Or that they were about to, but they didn’t, and they really showed self-control. Or it’s much easier when they’ve shared something with their little friend, and you can name that for them – “you shared that, that was kind, that was generous.” Ayelet: Yeah – that’s nice. Or even, like I think with your daughter spraying the mirror, what would you say in something like that situation? Tracy: I could say, “Ah! It almost looks like you’re painting on the mirror! You’re really creative.” Ayelet: Yeah. Tracy: Or I could say, “You know what? You wanted to play with water, and you found a great place to do that – the bathroom. That’s really responsible!” I don’t know – there’s no formula to it, I just… Ayelet: Yeah! Just examples. Tracy: It could be… and you could also maybe, if you forget that part, you can come back later and then say, “ah, you know when that happened, I noticed this about you.” And the beautiful thing about it, too, is that because it’s so specific…

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Bringing Up A Child With High Sensory Needs Feb 27, 2018

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Every child has different sensory needs – but what happens when those needs aren’t being met? In this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet sits down again with speech-language pathologist Carrie Clark – this time to talk about a more personal topic: her home life, and her experience raising a toddler with sensory processing disorder. Carrie and Ayelet discuss Carrie’s personal experience as a mother of a young child with high sensory needs, the ways her son’s diagnosis manifests in her family’s life (and the ways in which they are also a completely typical family!), and tips and resources that have been helpful in her navigation of the world of sensory processing disorder. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE: Learn With Less podcast episode with Jill Loftus: Tips to Meet Your Infant or Toddler’s Sensory Needs Learn With Less podcast episode: What is Emotional Regulation? Heavy Work Activities from Learn With Less Carrie’s Pinterest board of activities that help her son Learn With Less podcast episode with Christie Kiley of MamaOT: What Is Sensory Processing? Elevating Kids Sensory Development Program The Out-Of-Sync Child Has Fun, by Carol Kranowitz The Out-Of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder, by Carol Kranowitz CONNECT WITH US! Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest Carrie: Website / Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest TEXT TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE Welcome to episode 51 of the Learn With Less Podcast. Today, I’m thrilled to bring back my friend and colleague Carrie Clark, a speech-language pathologist who is the founder and owner of the Speech and Language Kids website as well as the new SLP Solution brand. Through her websites, Carrie breaks down complex research and theory into step-by-step guides for treating a variety of communication problems. But, today, we’re going to be talking about another side of Carrie. Carrie is also the mother of two young children, one of which has sensory processing disorder. Carrie, welcome back to Learn With Less! Thanks so much. Carrie: Why, thank you! I’m excited to be here. Ayelet: So, I have asked you to come on the show today, again, not as a speech-language pathologist, but, first and foremost, as a mother. So, let’s just start by… if you could give us a little bit of insight into your transition into motherhood. Can you think back to that time, and what that was like for you logistically as far as what life was looking like for you at the time, and then emotionally, of course, any of those relatable, raw, early mama feelings that you can describe. Carrie: Well, ok, so I’m going to preface this with – my son is almost 4, he’ll be four on Valentine’s Day. I feel like the last four years of my life have been fairly blurry, and I think it’s all the sleep deprivation. So, to the best of my recollection (dot dot dot). But I was working in the schools as a speech-language pathologist, and knew that we were going to start trying to have kids, and I wasn’t super fond of the idea of working all day at the schools and putting my little one in childcare and all that, so I started my own private practice pretty much around the same time. I quit my job in the schools… I think my last day at the schools was right around when I found out I was pregnant. So, I was starting that business and my website business while being pregnant… and trying to make that all of that work at the same time. Some days that went really great, and some not so much! So, once we had him, I worked part-time with my private practice while my parents watched our son. So, that was kind of how we got started, and it’s just evolved into crazy different ways than I ever would have imagined! Ayelet: Yeah. I mean, we all have to do just what works… whether we’re home, whether we’re at work, or whether it’s somewhere in between, it’s always interesting! And then what about, when you had a child, what was that like for you emotionally and coming into new motherhood. Can you get into that space with us? Carrie: So, I was the kind of mom that I totally thought I had this on lock-down, you know, like, the pre-mom, I guess. So, like, when I was pregnant, I guess. Like, I was a really good mom until I had kids. Ha! You know, you have all these ideas like, you know like, oh, well if you just show respect to your child and treat them respectfully, your child’s gonna grow up to be a respectful child, right? That’s how that works? Well no, not really. Like, I had all these ideas. I thought, well, I can figure anything out, you know, I figured out how to start my own businesses, like, I can do parenthood, you know, and I’ve worked with kids for most of my adult life… like, I got this! And then we had one. And I felt like I had no clue! Despite all the preparation and all the “I got this,” once you’re actually holding that baby and you’re taking that baby home and you’re like, “are you sure you want to let me take this thing home? I don’t know if that’s a good choice!” So, I would say overwhelm was probably the biggest emotion. Ayelet: Overwhelm. Yeah. So, now we’re getting to sort of fast forward a little bit. When did you first suspect that something was actually a little bit different about the way that your son was developing? What were some of the signs that stood out to you? Carrie: So, hindsight is 20 – 20. Looking back on it, we had signs probably as early as maybe 6 months. So, I can look back and be like, “oh yeah, that wasn’t… no, that’s not normal.” But he was our first, and when I was working… all the clients I’ve worked with are really severe. So they have a lot of needs and a lot of problems. And so my bias for what’s “normal” was so skewed! And so it just, you know, like, this child screams bloody normal if you try to put something on his feet. That’s probably normal, right? That’s, like, a normal baby thing. Babies just hate things on their feet! But, like, little stuff like that, that I’d say he’s a little quirky. You know, there’s a lot of quirkiness in the world. And so, we did that for quite a while. And then, so it was right after his third birthday, a year ago. We went on a trip, and we were in a bathroom. And there was one of those super loud flushing toilets, you know? And so he was standing right next to it and it scared him, and I was like, “yeah, that was loud. Cool, no worries.” Didn’t think that much of it. And then for the next two weeks, he cried and screamed every time he had to go to the bathroom. And it was like, what is happening here? And, so I thought, you know, well that’s too much. That was, in my head, where I was like, “time out.” Let’s look at this a little bit deeper. And so I called one of my friends who’s an occupational therapist, and I was like, “yeah, so where’s the line between quirky and then an actual problem when it comes to sensory stuff.” So she said, “ok, well just write down all the things that you think are a little quirky.” And I start writing this list, and as I’m going down, and there was more… and more, and I was like, oh my god, why did I not see this? Like, I work with kids with special needs. Like, how did I miss this for three years? So, that was a little bit depressing when I realized… Ayelet: Hindsight is 20 – 20!!! Carrie: Yeah! And when you see it all on paper, that’s so much different than just looking at your kid. I totally get it. Because as a speech-language pathologist, I would always do those developmental checklists with a parent, and walk them through this, and see that look on their faces. And then having that same experience with my own kid, it was like, “oh God, this is horrible! Why do we do this?!” But you have to get there. You have to have that moment of, “Ok, well we have to fix this. There’s actually something wrong now.” Ayelet: Right. So, prefacing this by the fact that as we know from previous podcast episodes that we’ve done with other speech-language pathologists and occupational therapists who’ve described to us things about sensory processing and sensory processing disorder, we process sensory information in many different ways (obviously, there are many different senses, also), and how one child experiences sensory input is a very different way from how another child does – especially when we’re talking about a child who is sort of “over” and “under” processing that information. So, with that preface, can you tell us a little bit about what were some of those quirky things that you noticed about your child? Carrie: Yeah. So, he has… some sensory systems he seems to over-process, like you said, and some, he seems to under-process. So, for example, whole body movements, like, being able to move his body, he seems to be under-processing that, in that he craves and needs so much movement just to keep his center of calm. So he’s my climber, my jumper, my bouncer, like, he is bouncing off the walls most of the time! For Christmas they got an 8-foot trampoline. That’s what we have in our play room right now, because they need that. Both of my kids are kind of like that. And, you know, that’s one of those things like, “oh, well, he’s a little boy – he’s just an energetic little boy,” right? So many little boys are like that. But he takes it to such an extreme where it’s, you know, if he doesn’t get that kind of sensory input all day long, then he’s screaming and throwing fits all day long, and it’s just this hot mess. So that is one that he under-processes. Sound is one that he over-processes, where too much sound is very… he can really have trouble with that. You know, like, we couldn’t run the bathroom around him, we couldn’t run the blender around him, and he was pretty self aware of that, and so he would actually advocate for himself, which was awesome. So we’d be cooking, and he’d see the blender, and he’d say, “Are you gonna do that? Because I’m gonna go over here…” And we’re like, “Ok! I’ll wait, yeah, go ahead.” So, he was still functional. It wasn’t like he wasn’t functioning. He just had a lot of different issues when it came to some different sounds or… his brother was a big trigger for him. So we had a baby when he was two and a half, and his little brother had a bunch of allergies, food allergies that he was getting through what I was eating, through the breastmilk, so he pretty much screamed for a month straight, until we got that settled down. And so that, the screaming, obviously, was like a huge trigger. And then, for some reason, his brother touching him, in any capacity, was a trigger. So that would completely set him off. Still does, to an extent. They’re getting a little better now, but like, any sort of touch or sound from his brother was like, we’re done. And so, you know, as you can imagine, having two children in the same house, that happens a lot. It was just meltdowns all day long. Ayelet: Yeah! We had a wonderful occupational therapist, Jill Loftus, come and speak with us about a month ago, about the difference between tantrums and sensory meltdowns. But can you give us in your own words and in your experience… how do you navigate that, the difference, and what are some of the ways that those things look different in your family? Carrie: So I will say, I struggle with this sometimes, is knowing.. and so, what I try to keep in my mind is that a tantrum they’re doing for a reason, a meltdown, they’re not in control of. And so sometimes if I suspect it might just be a tantrum, I’ll use, like, a quick trigger that I know will turn it off like, “oh, did you know that we have marshmallows in the cabinet?” like, just to kind of test my theory, almost, you know, not like I’m rewarding you with a marshmallow every time you throw a fit, but if you can turn that off to go get your marshmallow, then it’s like, okay, now I know in that situation, you’re just working it. But, usually, the meltdowns are like, they will be triggered by a hair. You know, like, something entirely minor will happen, you know, like, he drops his sock, and then, all of the sudden the world is ending. Like, that was weird, that didn’t connect in my head as something you should tantrum about, but it kind of blurs sometimes. The lines definitely blur. Ayelet: It can. Do you feel like there are… the sensory meltdowns – that you can connect them to some sort of outside input that is triggering something for him? Carrie: Sometimes yes, sometimes I have no clue. Because, I think sometimes it’s like, oh, well, you just didn’t move enough today. And so that’s not a clear… it’s hard to connect that. Sometimes I can say, oh, yeah, looking back on it, we had a lot of TV time this morning. That’s probably where some of this is coming from. Or, sometimes, it’s super obvious, like the toilet. Like, every time I put you a toilet, you’re screaming. That one’s pretty easy to figure out. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, I have no clue. Ayelet: Yeah. And I mean, because I think because so many toddlers – all toddlers struggle with this ability to self-regulate. But it’s… when you have this added factor of, actually it’s just the world that is difficult, and it’s not just my big emotions that are difficult. Carrie: Yes. Yeah. And I think one of the hardest things that I’ve had to deal with is other peoples’ feedback and perceptions on this, because it’s not a diagnosis that most people know what it is. If you explain it, most people are like, “okay, that kind of makes sense…” But like, ok, from the outside, I have a kid who throws lots of fits and who is really active. Ok, well, yeah. Like, that does sound like every other three-year old boy. I get that. But then when you have somebody being like, “Why do you think he has sensory processing disorder, or why do you think he needs therapy? He’s fine! He’s just a little boy, let him be a little boy!” And it’s like, okay, well I think I know my kid better than you, but you know, maybe you’re the expert on my kid. Let’s see what you do with it! Ayelet: Yeah! Let’s see what happens if I let him stay with you for a couple of hours, let’s see how that goes! Carrie: Yeah, maybe for an hour, let’s see what happens. Ayelet: So, what are some of those, if you could a little bit of education with those people – and in your best self, right? When you’re not engaged in that emotional defensiveness, like, what would you say to that? Carrie: Well I try to phrase it in ways that I think it’ll make sense to other people if I think they’re receptive to that. You know, sometimes I’m like, yeah, you’re right, little kids, haha… move on. But if it’s like a family member or someone who’s going to be around us a lot, I like to phrase it as, okay, he experiences sensory information differently. So, sometimes, the things he experiences like sounds, they come in really loud. It comes in hot and heavy, it’s too much, and he can’t handle that. And sometimes, things come in quietly, and he doesn’t feel them enough, and so he needs to do more of that. And all of that keeps his brain… I like to use the fight or flight analogy as like, he’s in fight or flight mode all the time, because of this bombardment of sensory information that he can’t process. And so, when you’re in fight or flight, and then every little thing sets you off all day long, and then you can’t sleep at night, and then you’re sleep-deprived, and then you’re just… it’s just really hard to be him. So that’s generally how I explain it. Ayelet: Yeah! I think also that sense of – this is a cycle. That this is a cyclical effect, actually, and the more we can support that not to happen, the easier his life and all of our lives will be. Carrie: Yeah, yeah. Ayelet: So, okay, Carrie. Let’s take just a quick break to hear a word from our sponsor, and then we’re going to hear a few tips and resources from Carrie about the kinds of things that have been most useful for her as a parent. Ayelet: Alright Carrie, what are those things that have actually been helpful for you as a parent of a child with sensory processing disorder, right,…

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Community Connections for Families Feb 14, 2018

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How do we connect with each other meaningfully? In this celebratory 50th episode of the Learn With Less podcast AND the two year anniversary of the Learn With Less, Ayelet reflects upon the origins of why she created Learn With Less, why she sees the role of community playing so centrally in the resources created here, and what you can do to be part of that community! She shares one thing we do to support the notion of shared experiences and shared insights inside the member area of the Learn With Less® Curriculum Online Family Program, which is a member feature called “Community Connect,” and answers all the questions we ask of our community members when we feature them. If you’ve been inspired by Learn With Less resources, we can continue to build community by sharing images, stories, and ideas through the #strengthinwords or #learnwithless hashtag! Share your stories on social media, or directly with Ayelet by emailing her at ayelet@strengthinwords.com. Connect with us! Use #learnwithless when you’re inspired by one of our resources or play activities, or when you have a new idea to share! Instagram – tag us at @learnwithless for a repost! Facebook – tag us at @learnwithless for a repost! Inspire your community of friends, family and colleagues with infants and toddlers to engage in simple play activities that support early development (with little to no materials) – just as we’ve inspired you – by using the hashtag #learnwithless and help us spread the word, transform the world (and the baby industry!), building a worldwide community of families who can feel more assured they have what they need when it matters most! Text transcript of this episode Hi, everybody, it’s Ayelet from Learn With Less! Welcome back to the Learn With Less podcast. This is episode number 50, and I’m going to do something a little bit different today. Usually I have a set topic and a whole lot of stuff to present to you guys, specifically. But, today I am going to just reflect. It’s been a crazy year, it’s been a crazy two years! I wanted to, first of all, acknowledge that this is essentially the two year anniversary of Learn With Less and the Learn With Less podcast, and I think it’s really amazing that we are 50 episodes in. What started as just the need to communicate and share my experience of early learning, early parenthood, and knowledge that I know as a professional as well as a parent… it has become such an amazing, amazing project. That’s really all I can call it! It’s also a business for me, because now, two years in, I’ve created something that is very near and dear to my heart, which is the Learn With Less® Curriculum Online Family Program. That is a place that is really, what’s become something that’s gone full circle. Learn With Less, for me, was something that started when I became a mom, when my son, who’s now four years old, was born. I was living across the ocean in a place that was not familiar to me with my husband, and I was 10 weeks pregnant when we moved. When my son was born, I really wanted to create community, to connect with other new moms, and to find a way to do that in a place where I didn’t have any built-in support. And I did that by starting to host these wonderful, what I called, “family enrichment sessions.” And what those were? They were a chance for parents and caregivers and their new babies, and growing babies and toddlers, to connect with each other, to learn a little bit about what their babies were doing, to give those things names – as far as how they belonged within the realm of development, and to experiment with what we could do to support our babies in play. And, as you, if you are a long-term listener of the Learn With Less podcast know, that is essentially, how the Learn With Less podcast began! When my husband and my son were starting to think about leaving London, which is where we were, and move back to the San Francisco Bay Area, which is where we are now, I thought about how I could create this and bring it with me, because it was such a special thing that I felt I was doing for myself and for other families who were giving me positive feedback. And so that’s how the podcast was born. I was reaching one family at a time, really, through that, and I love that, and I love all the feedback that I’ve received from you over the years. And over time, I realized that I really wanted to connect with a group of other parents and caregivers again. And that chance to observe others, to connect with others in real-time was something that I really missed about what I was creating with Learn With Less. That’s why I… birthed the Learn With Less® Curriculum Online Family Program! And that’s what it is! So, it’s a place where we can all connect in a virtual space, connecting with each other through information and experience, and by sharing what we have learned, what we are learning, what we are experimenting with – that’s why the member area is called the LAB – because this grand experiment of parenting is something we all share! So that’s what I’ve been working on lately. I would love to bring you guys into it, if you’re not already there. Community Connect One of the things that I wanted to share with you today is something that we’ve started doing within the member area of the Learn With Less® Curriculum which I like to call “Community Connect.” This is essentially like a member insight. We try to do this once a week or once every couple of weeks. We feature one of our community members and get to know that person through some shared information. What I wanted to do today was give you some insight into one of our members, and that is me! Some of you already know a lot of this, but this is the first time I’ve shared all of this in one place! So, basically, we start out with the question, “Who are you?” So, I am Ayelet Marinovich! I’m a pediatric speech-language pathologist, and I’m a mom. I’m a mom to two little boys, and at the time that I’m recording this, I have a 13-month old and I have a 4-year old. I love working with infants, toddlers and their families, and I am the creator of Learn With Less. That is a comprehensive set of resources and a company that connects families with each other and with high-quality information to support infants and toddlers (and each other). So, the next question that we ask is, “What was life like for you when you started a family?” My husband, as I said, and I were pretty freshly married. We moved from the San Francisco Bay Area, which is where we’re from, across the pond to London, England. I didn’t know anybody, I didn’t know the health care system. I was waiting for my paperwork to transfer over so that I could work as a speech-language pathologist there. But, pretty much, I was alone with my thoughts for most of the days. So, I did a lot of reading, a lot of exploring of what the city had to offer, and I started attending a wonderful pre-natal yoga class because I was, as I said, early in my pregnancy. So, that’s where I met a lot of other wonderful women who were also expecting their first babies, and that space really brought us together. As we got to know each other, I started thinking about how I could keep our little circle together after our babies came. So, after our babies were born, and of course, after I was out of the initial depths – those deepest depths of postpartum days and weeks, I really craved a community and the opportunity to be with other families. So, as I said, I started inviting my new friends over for a bit of activity based around our babies, and an opportunity to chat and learn about our babies. It was also an opportunity to chat and learn about each other! Really, I was creating a space where we felt comfortable learning and sharing and connecting, and I got to exist in that space every week. So, as an extrovert who really craves social interaction, and also as a child development nerd who loves to learn, I was in heaven! So, the next question that we ask is, “Who has inspired you as a parent or caregiver?” My answer to that is my own mom. Especially when we were little, she always gave my sister and I the space to explore, the space to learn about who we were, and she has such a positive, loving presence. She’s also one of the most caring people that I know, perhaps to a fault, but it’s just inspiring to see that, to be around that. And to see it reinvigorated through my own children – she’s an amazing grandma, and now that we’re back near family, it’s just so rewarding to be close to her and to watch that with my own children. The next question that we ask is, “When was the first time that you held a baby?” This is kind of embarrassing! The first time that I think I can remember, I think I was about 7 years old, and that baby was the son of a family friend. I remember him wiggling around, and all of the sudden, I lost my grip on him. I was horrified, and he nearly fell, but his dad, with those crazy cat-like parent reflexes, caught him. So, it was not a great introduction to holding babies or to being around babies, but it was definitely a good lesson in how mindful one must be around babies and with babies! The next question that we ask is, “When did you know you wanted to become a parent?” Of course, these answers vary so much – all of them, right? I think for some of us, we didn’t know that we wanted to become parents until we were with child! And for some, it’s something that we always wanted [and it happened easier for some than for others!]. For me, I think I always wanted to be a mom. My own mom, as I said, was such a great inspiration and such a great model of caregiving. I definitely knew I didn’t want to do it until I was “ready,” but it’s always such an interesting adventure when we get to that stage in life when readiness is sort of ready to be defined. I can remember holding a baby when my now-husband and I were still dating. It was this crazy feeling. I must have been about 27 or 28 at the time. And all of the sudden, I felt this crazy rush and wave of emotion. It was like something wild was taking hold of me that I had never experienced before! It was totally bizarre to me that I would suddenly have, what I can really only describe as this magnetic urge – some power or some force was drawing me to hold that baby, and I thought it was so strange. It also made me consider that, perhaps, that was my body suggesting that “readiness” was approaching! The next question that we ask is “What is your greatest hope for your own child or children?” My answer to this is integrity. I hope that I can instill in them the values that allow them to be good, to be independent, respectful, decent human beings who think of other human beings, and who make decisions that take others into consideration. It’s such a big question, and I think we all have a slightly different answer that riffs on the same theme. We all want what’s right and what’s good. We all want our children to be decent human beings. And I think that is, inherently, what the goal is in the members area of the Learn With Less® Curriculum Online Family Program – is to find a place where we can all commune and learn to raise children in a setting that makes us feel more confident that we can do that! The next question that we ask is, “Give us a day in the life!” So, for me, right now, and of course, this is an ever-changing, never static thing. My boys generally wake up around 6-6:30am. And lately, my husband has been doing that early shift since my little one is still waking up at least once in the night. He gets them up and dressed while I get, hopefully, at least another 20 minutes of sleep in (thank you, husband!). I take over with the littles and we take turns showering and getting dressed, and we get breakfast on the table for the boys, and it’s all a bit of a team effort. My husband runs out the door around the same time that our babysitter arrives in the morning. Then, I disappear into my office to get my working hours in, and I cram as much work into the next 4 hours as possible! And then, at noon, I’m with the boys again. I finish up lunchtime stuff, and then we take my big boy to preschool, we try to stay for circle time there, and then my little boy and I come home, hang out and play for a little while before a nap, and on a good day he naps. And then he wakes, we take a walk, we pick up his big brother, and then we all come home for a play. This is a great time to get outside if the weather’s nice, and otherwise we try to get some big movement in somehow. So, we do that by maybe climbing on some specified furniture that’s ok to climb on, or maybe standing at an easel, or taking turns pushing each other down the hallway in the laundry basket. And then after a while, we try to mellow out, I put on some music, and we go into a more focused play time. Often times, right around now, my little guy plays with kitchen items or other things that are just interesting to him at the moment, and my big guy gets busy with his cars, which is something that he’s just loved forever. He does a lot of dramatic play with those, which is really fun to see. And then, I try to make dinner – and that works better some days than on others! My husband gets home, we sit down together to eat, if we can, and then it’s bathtime, stories, and then bed. And we split the difference, I put the little one down while my husband does the more extended bedtime routine with the big boy, and they’re both out (knock on wood) by around 7:30pm or 8pm. And then, the two of us get some time to decompress! So… ok, that actually means that I get some time to work on emails or work, and then we get to watch our favorite tv or maybe part of a movie, and then we try to turn off screens about 30 minutes before we go to bed. And then we go into the bedroom to read and hang out, and then we turn out the lights! So, the next question is, “What’s been your most valuable quality, skill or ability in raising your baby or children so far?” I think, for me, I’m lucky to have the ability to connect with others. I reach out to my community and I build community as often as I can – and in as many ways as I can. And that’s how I feel supported. That’s how I feel that I’m not alone in this parenting adventure. I think that it helps so much to have other people to help you synthesize information, to reflect, and to empathize. I don’t know, parenting in a vacuum can just be so isolating! But it also, I think, can be really unhelpful to have too much parenting advice. That’s why we need a place, or a number of places to share experiences, ideas, thoughts… and to me, that’s really what community is. So, the next question that we ask is, “What’s been your greatest challenge in raising your baby or your children?” To me, my answer is balance. Finding balance between their needs, between my personal needs, the needs of my partnership, my own professional needs and desires, the needs of my home, and of my friendships. Yeah. It’s a hard balance. People like to say that it’s all about finding balance… and it is, of course. But I think that’s also an ever-changing thing. You’re never going to quite get it right. And maybe you will for a few minutes, for a few weeks, for a few months, if you’re lucky, and then it changes again! I think another part of that balance piece is balancing and managing expectations – especially with two young kids. Oh my gosh. I have a good friend who likes to say, you know, “just lower your expectations.” And I totally agree with that! We can only do so much. We only have so much bandwidth before we lose it! So, taking a moment to take a deep breath and find a sense of balance for even just a second at a time is just necessary, and it’s hard. So, the next question is “What else would you like us to know about you and your family?” And for me, you know, I think I want people to know that we are full of love, we are full of life, and often, we are just trying to get through the day…

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How To Provide Early Literacy Experiences for Infants and Toddlers Feb 06, 2018

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What is early literacy? How do we provide experiences that promote early literacy in our tiny humans? In this episode, Ayelet sits down with former birth-to-three early interventionist and parenting blogger, Kayla O’Neill of Parenting Expert To Mom, where she shares strategies to encourage learning in daily routines. Kayla and Ayelet discuss the term “early literacy,” what kinds of experiences fall under that term (and how they foster and support early development), skills involved in the development of early literacy, and some wonderful tips and resources for integrating early literacy experiences into your everyday life. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE: Kayla’s website, Parenting Expert To Mom 50 Simple Ways to Encourage Literacy Skills Resources from zero.three.org Learn With Less Podcast Episode, “Think Outside The Text” Learn With Less Podcast Episode, “Libraries Are For Babies” Learn With Less Podcast Episode, “Wordless Picture Books” with Megan Lingo CONNECT WITH US! Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube Kayla: Website / Facebook / Instagram / Twitter TEXT TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE Welcome to episode 49 of the Learn With Less podcast! Today, I’m speaking with Kayla O’Neill, a former Birth To Three Early Interventionist who has worked with children with developmental delays and coached parents and caregivers on strategies to encourage their infant or toddler’s development. She has now taken that passion and put it into her writing on the website, “Parenting Expert to Mom,” where she shares strategies to encourage learning in daily routines. She’s currently a stay-at-home mom taking some time off from teaching to learn, enjoy, and raise her son, and is, at the time of this recording, also 37 weeks pregnant with her second baby! Kayla, welcome, and how are you feeling? Kayla: Good! Yeah, pregnant. Ayelet: Exactly! Good. Well, thanks for coming onto the show, and I’ve asked you to come on today to speak a bit about early literacy. First, though, I would love to just hear a bit about you. What brought you to the kind of work you’re doing today? Kayla: Yeah! Like you said, I worked in early intervention for about six years, I mainly worked with that birth to three age, so working with the babies and toddlers, doing a lot of assessments, evaluations, and home visits. A little bit in the classroom, but mostly home-based, and yeah! We really focused on daily routines, and teaching parents strategies that you can do every day that encourage development. And so, did that for six years, and we actually made a big move to Indiana for my husband’s work, and I’ve become a stay-at-home mom. I really miss connecting with families and parents and other professionals that work in early childhood, so I thought I’d start a blog and I started parentingexperttomom.com, and I get to write about everything I talked about with families and the things I do with my own son, too, and with the new baby, I’m sure I’ll have lots more ideas for newborn and that fun stage when they’re just so small. So, yeah, just wanting to get back into the world of early childhood. Ayelet: Awesome. It’s great. And I think it’s important, too, because as professionals who work in early learning, we tend to have some tricks of the trade, you know. It’s certainly not that we know anything or everything about being a parent – that’s learned when you become a parent! But when you work with children, you have a few little tricks up your sleeve, so we would love to hear a few of those that you have today! Let’s talk about early literacy. I think, first of all, a lot of people equate that term with “learning to read.” So, can you tell us a little bit about the difference between those two things, and about some of the other skills that are involved in the development of early literacy as it relates to infants and toddlers! Kayla: Yeah! So, early literacy… I think a lot of people think of sitting down and reading with their kid – that’s early literacy. But yeah, you’re right! Literacy is so many different parts. And it’s not only that reading and understanding words and books, it’s writing, it’s being able to speak… there’s a lot of different things connected. And so when I think of early literacy for babies and toddlers, I usually connect that with the five areas of development. So, we’re looking at cognitive skills, language skills, social/emotional skills, self-help and… what am I missing? Ayelet: Motor! Motor and sensory! Kayla: Motor! Yeah! So I was thinking about that, and thinking when I talk to parents about early literacy, really all the skills in each of those areas connect to make your early literacy skills. So, working with any of those areas of development, you’re actually encouraging early literacy! For example, when you look at cognitive skills, we’re thinking about having kids process skills and following directions… if you’re working on that during the day, you’re really working on early literacy. In the communication domain, we have the receptive language (so, the understanding) and then the expressive – both of those are very important. So, when a kid is learning to talk, there again, it’s early literacy. And even motor – which people don’t think about motor skills and reading, but it’s huge to have your kid point to a picture in a book and to turn pages, and without motor skills, we can’t do either of those, and so that’s included. For self-help, those are the skills to become more independent. And so, a child to be able to look at a book and decide what they want to learn about independently, I feel, is a big part of self-help. And then social skills – children can learn so much from the social/emotional piece to literacy. So, when we’re looking at books and we’re looking at the faces of the characters, that’s a great way to explore that social/emotional side, as well. Really, early literacy just encompasses all of those areas of development. So, depending on which area you’re working on, it’s probably going to help them in the future with their early literacy skills! Ayelet: This is such good information, right? Because, it’s like, “so whatever I’m doing, I’m actually working on early literacy skills” in some ways! Kayla: Pretty much! It’s pretty hard not to be working on early literacy at all times, because when you think of yourself reading a book or writing, there’s so much that goes into it – it’s not just cognitive skills, it’s not just language skills, it’s everything, really! Ayelet: Can you tell us a little bit about the specific kinds of things that go early literacy skills. Like, I tend to tell people about how, like you said, it doesn’t necessarily mean sitting down and looking at a book. But just pointing things out, pointing out letters, having things like alphabet blocks around, or print awareness… Kayla: Yes. Ayelet: Or, like, literally, if your child is mouthing a book, that’s early literacy! Kayla: Even if you’re taking a walk outside and you’re looking at the stop sign – that’s early literacy. That’s an example of the environmental print that you’re talking about. I think environmental print is – I mean, that’s just the print that’s on your food labels, on your shampoo bottle. And so, just taking a moment and just looking at that stuff with your child. And sometimes, that’s the first thing that they will recognize, is, they may not be reading it, but in a way, they are – they understand that the symbols mean a certain thing. And so, using environmental print to teach actually takes off the pressure to have tons and tons of books, which, I love books, books are great – but using things like environmental print in your grocery ads, looking at your mail together! Something me and my son do is on Wednesday, the grocery slicker comes, and we sit down and we look at everything in it. And even him crunching it up in his hands and throwing it – that’s ok, too! It’s part of discovering paper. And so, looking at those experiences, I think. And like you said with the little babies! Even when their vision is just starting to come in, so they’re starting to follow things with their eyes – we consider that early literacy development when we do assessments. How do they move their eyes, can they reach up for something, like you said, a lot of things go into early literacy. Ayelet: Yeah! I think it’s really important that people understand that sense of… when we break down all of these different domains of development, we have age-appropriate skills. And those often look very different! Emerging skills look different from a skill that is already acquired. So, for instance, in the context of communication, if you have a child who is babbling, at around 6 months, that is an emerging expressive language skill for a 6-month old, or a 4-7-9 month old! That is an age-appropriate skill related to expressive language. And so, when we’re talking about early literacy in an infant, just like you were saying, Kayla, we’re looking at emerging skills like, is the child looking around at things – like those high-contrast images, for instance. Awesome. That’s fantastic, and I think really helpful for parents and caregivers. So let’s actually take just a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors, and then we will hear a few tips and resources from Kayla about specifically how to foster early literacy skills in infants and toddlers. Ayelet: Alright, Kayla, let’s hear it! Give us your top three tips for parents and caregivers! How can we foster early literacy skills with our infants and toddlers? Kayla: Yeah! So the first tip that I would say is be patient. I remember working with parents is that sometimes it can be frustrating when you want your toddler to sit and look at a book, or maybe your baby is not interested in a book. Just be patient with that love of books to come – it might not be right away, and it might be different than you expect. And, you know, looking at that developmental side of what’s appropriate. So, sitting and reading a book from front to cover with your toddler… it may work – some days it works at my house, he will sit and listen to books three in a row! And other days he won’t, and that’s ok. So, I would say just to talk a little bit about the book side, that, don’t think your child isn’t interested in early literacy or is lacking some skills because they’re not interested in books. Like we said before, there’s a lot of other things that go into early literacy, and looking at books is something just to be patient with. Always explore and give them the option, but just be patient with it – that interest in books will come. Just don’t expect to sit and read for an hour, you have to really look at what’s appropriate! Ayelet: Yeah. And to that end, I’m not always in the mood to sit and read for an hour. I might have every intention to sit and look at a book, and then just not have the bandwidth to do it, right, be falling asleep because I’m tired, because I’m a parent of two tiny people! But also, just the idea that, and I hope that I’m not taking on your next point or anything, that, it doesn’t have to be reading from front to back. You can sit there and just take a little picture walk, look at the pictures and point to specific things and talk about the things you see, or ask about what they see – or, “hmm, I wonder if we can find this!” – things like that. But, I’ll let you continue, Kayla! Kayla: Yeah, those are great ways to explore books with children, other than just sitting and reading. The next point I had was to follow your child’s lead. So, that goes with looking at books – follow their lead with it, watch their cues, do they want to look at the book, do they want to move on, do they want to flip the pages? That’s ok! Follow your child’s lead. When you’re looking at early literacy skills, you can pick an area of development that they’re maybe interested in or you want to work on, and use that as that early literacy time, so if they want to draw with chalk on the sidewalk? That’s huge! That’s great early literacy, if that’s something they’re interested in, is drawing. Or, if you’re at the grocery store and your little one is sitting in the shopping cart, what are they interested in as far as environmental print? You know, watch their cues, are they starting to point at things? And so, you just kind of build up on what they’re doing and what they’re interested in. And that goes for all areas of development! We watch their lead. And then we can just kind of encourage skills that way, instead of maybe picking something that they have to do in order to make that skill happen. I hope that makes sense. Ayelet: I totally followed along! I think that’s so important, and something that we, often, as grown-ups have to re-learn how to do, because we’ve now been programmed as adults to think of things so linearly, right? “If I sit down and help my child… if I get these blocks out, then here’s what they have to learn is, how to build a tower, right? That’s how we play with blocks!” But, thinking about things a little bit differently, and just, like you said, following your child’s lead. If they want to mouth the blocks? Awesome! Just talk about what they’re doing, or model to them another way to do it. But, accepting what they’re doing and then talking about it or taking it a step further is a wonderful way to follow your child’s lead. Great, Kayla. Kayla: Yeah. Like, for my son, he’s a busy little guy, and, you know, coloring isn’t a huge thing for him! Now, if I were to get out finger paints, he loves that! And you’re working on the same skill. So, you can have two activities that work on the same skill that are very different, and pick the one your child enjoys. You can always offer other activities, but don’t feel bad about the not wanting to sit and draw or, you know, find a different way to work on the skill! So, that kind of leads into my next point, which is just to be creative, and just have fun with it! Don’t stick yourself in a box as far as how to work on early literacy. Keep it open, use what’s around you, look at – when you’re in different environments – how you can encourage a skill, so you know even taking a trip to the library! That’s a great way to introduce… obviously, there’s lots of books there, too, but you don’t have to just pick out one book. Follow their lead with that! But just be creative, don’t get too stuck on just looking at books as far as working on early literacy skills. Depending on your age of your child, you’re going to use different techniques, too, to just encourage the skills that they will need someday to read or write, and to understand/comprehend books. Ayelet: Yeah. I love it! And I think your point about bringing the environment into whatever you have – and I think, like, the mailer, those things that go often straight into the bin (or we cut out the coupons, whatever our thing is!) those things are gold for infants and toddlers! And I loved your point about how even just crinkling it up and throwing it into a box or something… Kayla: My son’s favorite toy from probably like 6 months to 12 months old was just digging out all the recycling containers. So, every box he had, he would dump it out of the floor, every container, but look at all the print he was looking at, and all the pictures, while he was doing that… and you wouldn’t sit and say, “well I’m going to teach my kid about early literacy. Here, look at these Tupperware!” You know, he found it on his own! It was interesting to him, and he would sit and be entertained, and he’s working on fine motor skills, he’s opening and shutting things, he’s looking at pictures, processing information. But really, when you let kids explore, and then just encourage it that way, that’s a great way to go about learning. Ayelet: Exactly! Awesome. So, I think that takes a lot of the pressure off as parents, too. Like, really, if you… all you need, again, is pretty much what’s in your house already. That’s it! It’…

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Bringing Montessori Home Jan 17, 2018

Show notes

Apply the Montessori philosophy in your home In this episode, Ayelet sits down with Montessori Parenting Mentor and Home Consultant Jeanne-Marie Paynel. Jeanne-Marie is founder and CEO of Voila Montessori. She guides expectant parents and caregivers of young children on how to prepare their homes for their young children to thrive during the first years of life. Jeanne-Marie and Ayelet discuss the Montessori philosophy, some of the ways we can bring it into our home, and how we can apply it to our littlest of humans, infants and toddlers. Jeanne-Marie offers specific tips and resources for families with infants and toddlers to use when deciding how they might want to bring Montessori home. QUICK ACCESS TO LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE: Voila Montessori Learn With Less podcast on Holistic Learning Aid To Life (aidtolife.org) Montessori Guide (montessoriguide.org) IKEA LEKA Activity Gym (affiliate link) Video of child in front of pull-up bar MontiKids ($30 off first purchase) (affiliate link) Jeanne-Marie’s Montessori Registry download Jeanne-Marie’s play material suggestions for 1-year olds (Amazon affiliate link) Jeanne-Marie’s Kitchen Tools for Children (Amazon affiliate link) Learn With Less Unique Birthday Gifts For a 1-Year Old CONNECT WITH US! Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest Jeanne-Marie: Website / Facebook / YouTube / Instagram / Pinterest TEXT TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE Ayelet: Welcome to episode 48 of the Learn With Less podcast! Today, I’m speaking with Jeanne-Marie Paynel, founder and CEO of Voila Montessori. Jeanne-Marie is a Montessori Parenting Mentor and home consultant. She guides expectant parents and caregivers on how to prepare their homes for their children to thrive during the first few years of life. Jeanne-Marie believes that a supportive and peaceful atmosphere at home will allow every child to grow up as an independent and confident learner. Her mission is to help parents appreciate the true importance of their role, not as servants or teachers – but as supporters and guides of their child’s natural development. Jeanne-Marie, welcome. Jeanne-Marie: Thank you – great to be here! Ayelet: We’re happy you’re here. I’ve asked you to come on the show today to speak a bit about the Montessori philosophy, and some of the ways that we can bring it into our home and apply it to our littlest of humans, infants and toddlers. So first, I would love to hear just a little bit about you and what brought you to the world of Montessori. Jeanne-Marie: Well, it was a round-about way! I decided after my second child was born to have a big career change. I was actually in advertising for twenty-some years, and I decided my calling was really to be with children, that I really wanted to work with children – it’s something I had always wanted to do. As an adult, I was always the one playing with young children at parties! And so, I went back to school and got my Masters in Montessori Education at 40-some years, when my second [child] was already 4 years old. So, that, I will say, is probably one of my, you know, life career thing that I wish I had found all that before – that finding Montessori when you are expecting (which is why my mission is to work with expecting parents!) is that there is just such amazing information for us to be guides and supporters of our young little humans that come to us as divine beings. That’s what I do. But, basically, when I went back to school, I did work in the classroom for a few years until I realized that parents just had so many questions, and there were so many tools that I knew about, but that they didn’t! And so, I really set on a mission to share what Montessori is about, but also how we can apply it in our daily lives at home. And it really starts from the very beginning. Ayelet: Yes. So, let’s hear a little bit – just a quick overview about the Montessori philosophy as it relates to infants and toddlers. Jeanne-Marie: So, as it relates to infants and toddlers… I’ll just be a little more general, in general, what is Montessori? So first of all, just two days ago on [January] 6th 2018, we celebrated the 111th year of the first Montessori classroom opening by Dr. Maria Montessori in Rome. And this was the beginning of what we are now to learn about the Montessori method – even though she humbly said that, “I didn’t invent anything, I just followed the children.” And that’s what Montessori is all about: it’s about following the child’s natural development, and being very respectful of it. Not to, you know, push, expect, want something – it’s really about letting this life unfold in front of us. And for us to guide it! You know, to really be there, to offer the challenges and activities that are age-appropriate and such. Differentiating from the traditional education that probably most of us went through, Montessori is really child-led. So that is really the big difference. And in the home for the infant and the toddlers, it’s about following their needs. It’s about really being attentive and being, what Montessori called, “the scientific observer” so that we are really watching this life unfold in front of us and trying to understand it, and give it some – offer new opportunities to develop whatever skill we’re seeing the child intrigued or wanting to master. And that’s really the big part. And for me, when I work with families, it’s really about looking at their home, and looking at the environment that we create for our children. Because it’s so easy to let ourselves be influenced by what… how do you say, what is available on the market, and to buy things for them and all of that… but I’m really about keeping it very simple. Ayelet: YES! Jeanne-Marie: Because we have to remember that the child comes to us… very simple! You know, they’ve been in a very simple, beautiful, prepared environment which is prenatal life. And we need to let them adapt with simplicity and gentleness and such. So, I’m very much about keeping the environment very simple, very orderly – no big plastic toys, noise-making and lights and all of that. They don’t need all of that! There’s already so much for them to absorb. So, I really like to prepare the parents and the environment for them to adapt to their time, place, and culture with ease. And that’s really the basis of it, and it’s really about giving them the freedom and the time to develop on their own terms and on their own agenda! Every child is going to develop the same kind of pattern, most often, give or take a few months, a few weeks here and there, so it’s just about being grateful that this is happening in front of our eyes. Ayelet: Absolutely. And I know that for families with children with special needs, the Montessori philosophy and environment is a wonderful way to do it, because of those tenets that you mentioned, of simplicity, of respect, of letting things unfold and supporting the child in their exploration of the world. Jeanne-Marie: Yes, and it’s interesting you say that, because Montessori actually started her work in what was considered, unfortunately at the time, “idiot children.” Children that were deemed, “oh, you know, they’ll never achieve anything.” And just the fact that she took the time, she observed, and she created manipulatives that helped them understand… they showed us that they were capable of great things! And she thought, well, what would happen if I used all of this on deemed “normal” children, and there the Montessori method was born. Ayelet: Amazing. For those listeners who are not familiar with the term “manipulatives,” can you give us just a little bit of a… Jeanne-Marie: So a lot of what we have in the classroom or in the home of these toys… when I say ‘manipulative,’ it’s really toys that are going to help the child understand certain concepts. For example, there’s one that I love that’s around 9 months or so, that’s called the “object permanence box.” Very simple toy where you’re putting a ball into a hole. It disappears for a fraction of a second and then it reappears! And you probably have one… is that why? [Ayelet holds up a cardboard box with a hole cut out of it] Yeah, exactly! But that was created with Piaget to really help the child understand object permanence. Because around that age, they’re starting to understand the concept that if mom or dad leaves the room, they don’t disappear forever. And so, this is just a manipulative to help give them a sense of that, sensorially. And so, that’s a lot of what the manipulatives in the classrooms are all about. It’s really isolating a certain skill, a certain concept for them to first learn it sensorially. That really, the basis for all our education is really sensorial. I mean, language – you know that! – we need to smell and feel and taste what an orange is. That, when we say “orange,” it comes to our mind! But we’ve felt it, we’ve tasted it… so, really engaging the senses. And knowing that the child, those first three years, the child is a sensorial learner, so we really need to feed those senses. Ayelet: I love how you say that. Because it really is – those first three years, especially, but even the first five years, we know that infants and toddlers learn holistically, sensorially, through all of these domains of development. And to have experience with an object or a concept is to learn about it, and then we give it a name, and then we have a memory of it, right there! And then, we also engage with our caregivers! So, that, right there, hits on cognitive development (the working memory), communication development (the vocabulary), the sensory and motor development of touching it and feeling it and looking at it and smelling it (all of the senses), and then of course, the social/emotional development piece of experiencing it with another person or interacting or observing or imitating how someone else uses it. So, wonderful, Jeanne-Marie. Let’s take just a quick break here to hear a word from our sponsors, and then we’ll hear a few tips and resources from Jeanne-Marie about bringing Montessori into the home. Ayelet: Alright, Jeanne-Marie, tell us your top three tips for parents and caregivers… give us a place to start when it comes to integrating aspects of the Montessori philosophy into the home environment. Jeanne-Marie: So, one of the bases of Montessori is this notion of “the prepared environment.” When we talk about our classrooms, we talk about the prepared environment. So, when I work with parents, especially expecting parents or parents of young children, I remind them that the first environment was the prenatal environment, which we take great care of! We prepare what we eat, of exercise, of our state of mind, all of that. Then, we consider the birth environment, and we hope to have a calm, peaceful one. And then, there’s the home! And, often times, we tend to not put that much emphasis on this new, home environment for the child. So, I invite you to really get down to their level. And I actually say, you know, roll around your environment – see it from their perspective! It looks very different! And then, really start adapting it so that they can have the freedom of movement, and that they can safely explore. And that is really the big basis for the home. It’s to really create an environment where they are going to really adapt with ease, where they’re going to be able to explore, because that’s what they are – they’re explorers, right? And to… for one thing, when you look at your environment, you might have put artwork up… but it’s probably up at your level! So, why not bring some of it down to their level, so when that crawling baby’s going around, they have something beautiful to look at, too! Or some family photographs that you can then have a conversation about and explain, you know, who this ancestor is, or maybe a photo of you as a child or them as a baby – all of that is just beautiful! I remember very well being in a home of a woman who had this gorgeous wall of all the family photos… but, you know, it was up high! And so, we just took that bottom row and we moved it all the way down. Oh my gosh, the changes that they made for this little person who was just crawling, who would go over and was fascinated. What a beautiful invitation for language, because you’re able to tell stories around that. So, it’s really about considering what their viewpoint is, and really adapting it. When I set up the homes, I first look at four basic areas, which is the sleeping area, and in Montessori, we do recommend a floor bed. So, it’s not using the crib that is a container, that is not going to give them the freedom of exploration or the freedom of movement. I mean so, we could do a whole podcast on just the floor bed, but that’s a really strong concept, and I have a blog post on my website if you want to read more about it. But it’s this idea of freedom of movement, and then also their visual sense – that they’re trying to make sense of the environment, and if we’re putting them, you know, in a container behind bars, that it’s a very different visual perspective that they’re getting. So there’s the sleeping area, and then there’s the feeding area, which, in the beginning, is really more for the caregiver: whether you’re comfortable, whether you have everything at arm’s reach, whether you’re breastfeeding or bottle feeding – I want this to be a place where you can really relax and connect with the child. Ayelet: So that’s really just, a chair, a specific chair that you designate. Jeanne-Marie: Exactly. I do try to encourage that to be free of distraction, we tend to want that to be in front of a TV, a computer, with our phone and everything… I encourage that, as much as possible, to really be a time to connect and bond with the child. And I know it’s hard especially at the beginning, because it feels like we’re there 24:7, but that too shall pass! And it’s also a time for you to relax, and to get some rest. So, making it for you, as well. And then that definitely evolves. Because when you start introducing solids, the child is starting to sit on their own, then I use a weaning table and such. So, sleeping, feeding, personal care or the physical care of the child. And this one, one of the tips that I like to get you to think about is the orientation you have vis-à-vis the child. Most of the changing tables I see, we’re tending to them sideways, like, the changing table’s up against the wall and they’re kind of looking at us with a crooked neck and all this. So, we can either orient our body or just orient the table so that we’re facing forward. It’s a lot more respectful, they’re getting equal sensation on both sides of the body and such. So that would be a big one. And then, that also evolves! As the toddler starts wanting to engage in their care, when they’re starting to give us some elimination communication of, you know, the changing table isn’t doing it for me anymore, how are we going to evolve that and everything. And then, one of the most important is the movement area. And the movement area, from the very beginning, again, super simple. It can be a blanket or a mat on the floor. If at all possible, up against the wall so that you can put a nice long horizontal mirror – because, as I think we’ve all noticed, children love to look at themselves. They’re getting information, they’re getting feedback of their body scheme, of their body image. So this is kind of an encouragement for movement. And there, very simple toys, usually made of natural materials, so that they’re getting that sensorial experience, whether it’s leather or metal or wood. But, I try to avoid plastic, I try to avoid battery-operated, noise-making… and that’s it! And so at the beginning, it’s going to be mobiles, because that’s their vision sense is developing. And then it’s going to be grasping mobiles, and then it’s going to be toys that are going to encourage movement. But it all happens on that movement mat… until they start crawling – and the…

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