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    Christianity

    Kristen Welch

    We are THAT Family

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    Latest Episodes:
    Memorable Gifts Kids Won’t Forget Dec 16, 2014
    Show notes

    I’ll never forget the Christmas we gave too many gifts.

    My kids were around 4 and 6 years old and it was like a marathon of toy-opening and we needed water breaks to get thru it.

    I’m not even kidding.

    Most of the gifts were sale or clearance items I’d bought all year and tucked away. It was the season of my life I refer to as “Quantity not Quality.” It was all about more–more for me, more for them. It left us with a lot of stuff, including emptiness.

    As I encouraged my weary kids to continue unwrapping that day, I looked around the room with torn paper and too many toys and I felt guilty.

    From that point on, I decided to do Christmas differently-to make it about more with less. Since then, we’ve limited Christmas to a handful of gifts. This might not be right for all families-I know some who do no gifts and some who do twenty, some who give what’s needed, while other offer what’s wanted. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way, but I do think an intentional Christmas is a memorable one.

    That’s why we try and include a non-toy or experience gift.

    Experience gifts come in all shapes and sizes-like music lessons or a special date with dad or a membership of some kind.

    In the past, we’ve given musical instruments, day trips and memberships.

    My oldest daughter is a flute player, loves music and would rather be marching in a band than doing just about anything else. She’s getting tickets to see the best marching band in the country who will be touring our town this summer.

    FullSizeRender

    My son loves archery and he’s getting a lesson from an Olympian along with a membership to Elite Access (that was given to us to review). Elite Access is a members-only online portal for athletes, coaches and parents featuring Olympians and World Champions who are sharing their secrets to success. This new resource was started by my friend Laura Wilkinson, gold medal Olympic diver and World Champion. (She let me wear her medal once). If you have an athlete, I highly recommend checking it out.

    If you haven’t completed your shopping list, consider thinking outside of the box and instead of adding more stuff under the tree, give your kids something that will last a lot longer-an experience they will remember.

    ————————————————–

    Here are some great ideas:

    60 gift ideas (that don’t add more stuff to your lives)

    25 non-toy gift ideas


    A Letter to My Children on My 20th Wedding Anniversary Dec 15, 2014
    Show notes

    Hi Kids,

    This week your dad and I are celebrating 20 years of marriage and I need to tell you a few important things.

    First of all, twenty years.

    Your dad married me two days before my 22nd birthday. It was the best birthday of my life.

    He surprised me on our wedding day and sang to me and we’ve been making music together since.

    (Yeah, this officially makes us old. And gross. Keep reading.)

    You know how as musicians you play a piece over and over again, until you get it right? And sometimes even with all the practice and perseverance, you don’t play it perfectly, but you still make music? And then sometimes, you play it and the sound fills the room and you know you’ve nailed it?

    That’s what marriage is like.

    twentyyears

    It’s a lot of hard work, it takes a lot of practice, a lot of redoing and fine tuning. There are missed notes and off days mixed with magical moments and beautiful melodies. And if you ask an accomplished musician if they’ve ever played a piece perfectly, they answer no. But they keep playing.

    A good marriage isn’t about one bad day or one good one. It’s about not quitting on either.

    Your dad and I have had both. You’ve seen some good and bad and there are stories of freedom and forgiveness we will tell you when you’re ready.

    A good marriage is about looking for the small gifts that we don’t always see.

    Like when your dad got home in the middle of the night recently from his out-of-state trip. It wasn’t because of a delayed flight, it was because he stopped to help a man in the parking lot jump his car. I used to get angry about things like this–arriving home late, making dinner wait, but when I really look past the small inconveniences, I see the big heart of a good man, always looking for ways to help other people.

    FullSizeRender

    Daughters, this is the kind of man I married.

    And it’s the kind I pray for in your future.

    I pray you’re the kind of wife who counts the good your husband does more than you count the bad.

    I pray you’re the kind of wife that says I’m sorry first.

    I pray you’re the kind of wife who asks Jesus for help.

    Because that’s the kind of wife I want to be.

    Son, since you were a little boy, you’ve been trying on your dad’s shoes. Keep following his steps.

    I pray you’re the kind of husband who makes your wife laugh until her sides ache.

    I pray you’re the kind of husband who whispers over your wife in prayer when she’s asleep.

    I pray you’re the kind of husband who will love God more than anything else.

    I pray you’re the kind of husband who will bring sweet tea on sour days.

    Because that’s the kind of dad you have.

    I pray you know deep, abiding love. I pray you are each other’s favorite people. I pray you are good forgivers when you drive each other crazy and believe in each other when you can’t believe in yourself.

    I pray you have half of what we have.

    Most of all, I pray you keep God in the middle to draw you closer to each other. I pray you keep Him above you to remind you that life is a breath and to look for the gift in every day. Because He can take the bad days and hard moments and turn them into beautiful years.

    And one day when you look back, it will sound a lot like music.

    Love,

    Mom


    What The Poor Really Want For Christmas Dec 08, 2014
    Show notes

    “Okay, help me pick a family,” I told my kids as we stood at the table at the back of the church and looked over the spreadsheets. Each one had several names and ages of children, with their shirt and shoe sizes listed. Next to each name was a single toy suggestion for Christmas. It’s our church’s annual version of an Angel Tree for needy children in our community.

    As we looked over the families to “sponsor,” I could hear my youngest read the items on the list. Barbie doll, she whispered, and with her finger she moved to the next name, Music CD.

    “Mom, is this all they will get for Christmas?” she asked.

    I could tell she was trying to understand need in her world of more than enough.

    We finally chose 3 kids near the ages of mine who loved music. Three kids just like mine.

    This time of year, there are so many opportunities to give something to someone in need. And I’m first in line. Angel Tree-yes; Food Pantry-count us in; Fair trade gifts that employ women, you bet, dropping of secret Santa gifts to a needy family-wouldn’t miss it.

    What better way to remind my kids–and myself–how much we have than by teaching them to share with those who have less?

    Perspective changes Christmas. It not only shows us the needs of others, it shows us our need.

    And with her finger pointing to a girl’s name, just about her age, she asked, “Is this all she wants for Christmas?”

    “No, honey. She wants much more than what’s on that list. She and millions like her want one thing for Christmas:

    They want to be remembered.”

    What the Poor Really Want for Christmas

    We live in a culture that lives in excess. We have so much and we want so much more. It’s so easy to get sucked in and think everyone lives the way we do: Everyone spends money decorating their homes, everyone bakes 8 varieties of holiday cookies, everyone gets the best cyber deals and everyone has the opportunity to make Christmas magical for their kids.

    And it’s easy to forget those who don’t live like “everyone” else.

    I love traditions and magical moments as much as the next person and I don’t think we should necessarily forego or forget these special holiday moments. But at the same time, we must remember the poor. When we hang our stockings with care, we must not forget those hanging on by a thread. When we bake and eat treats and sweets, we must not forget those with empty stomachs. When we light up our tree and our house, we must not forget those who live in darkness.

    you have not lived

    And if we look around us, we will see the poor in our communities and across the globe.

    This is real balanced living.

    If we were all made rich alike, if God had given us all abundance, we should never know the value of his mercies, but he puts the poor side by side with us, to make their trials, like a dark shadow, set forth the brightness which he is pleased to give to us in temporal matters,” Spurgeon said.

    The poor don’t want a handout this Christmas.

    They don’t want platitudes.

    They don’t want pity.

    They don’t want our crap.

    They just don’t want us to forget them.

    Because do you know what really happens when we take care of someone who cannot take care of themselves?

    We see the face of God.

    When we spend our lives remembering the poor, they aren’t the only ones who receive a gift.

    “Whoever gives to the poor will not want.” -Proverbs 28:27

    Challenge: From now until Christmas, buy in twos (one for your family, one for another). Give and give a little more. You won’t be sorry.

    This is Christmas.


    An Advent Roundup Nov 20, 2014
    Show notes

    I’ll never forget eight December’s ago when I had my youngest child seven weeks early.

    Gifts weren’t bought or wrapped, stockings weren’t hung with care.

    I wasn’t prepared.

    That year changed Christmas for me. Most of my adult life, I had overdone Christmas-bought too many gifts, spent too much money, focused on the temporal and not the eternal. But that year, I had to let so much go and focus all my energy and strength on what really mattered.

    Christmas has never been the same. It’s the year we prayed for a miracle and got it. It’s the year we gave and received the Greatest Gift. It’s the year we finally understood Advent.

    Advent is a special time in December. With all the commercialism, busy activities and full calendars, it’s the best way to keep Christ in Christmas. Advent is preparing our hearts for Christmas.

    There are so many way to celebrate this time with your family. We’ve done it well, we’ve done it hurried. We’ve skipped days and some years, we haven’t missed one. And some years, we’ve laughed, cried and fought our way to Dec. 25. The point is we try.

    There’s still plenty of time to prepare for a memorable Advent season with your family. Here are some of our favorite resources (there are a couple of affiliate links in this post):

    1. Cradle to Cross Wooden Countdown Wreath: Activity

    Every year no matter how else we count down to Christmas, we always set out our beautiful wooden wreath and light our candles and move the small wooden Holy family through the layers of the wreath until they are home. I love this tradition (even though my kids usually fight over who gets to light the candles or I catch them dipping their fingers in the wax.) It’s a beautiful tradition. It also comes with an extra wooden ring and a wooden Jesus carrying the cross to countdown the Lenten season to Easter.

    2. Truth in the Tinsel: For Little Hands

    I’m a big fan of this little ebook for preschool to elementary-aged kids. It’s affordable, easy to download and fun to complete with your kids. You get 24 days of Scripture reading, ornament crafts, talking points and extension activities. Plus fun printables and templates!

    truthinthetinsel-468

    3. Unwrapping the Greatest Gift: A Family Celebration of Christmas

    Christmas is about tradition. I can’t wait to walk through Ann’s newest book with my family. This book is a gorgeous heirloom to pass down with vivid, full-color illustrations, downloadable ornaments, questions and answers to engage your family and moving scenes from the Bible, this book is a gift your whole family can unwrap each day leading up to Christmas.

    4. Advent Tabletop Devotional: A Simple Daily Reflection

    For years, I have kept one of Dayspring’s tabletop Advent devotionals on the table. Because let’s face it: the best laid plans during a busy Christmas season can get lost in the hustle and bustle. Each day has a short Scripture and thoughtful reminder to keep Jesus in the season. And if you order it soon, you can get it FREE with any $50 purchase at Dayspring with code: PREPARE50 (P.S. Dayspring just added 8 more favorite items to their rock bottom Early Black Friday Markdown Items).

    5. Kindness Elf: Daily Countdown in Action

    I’m excited to introduce this idea to my youngest this year. We’ve never done the Elf on the Shelf, but I like this twist that suggests a daily practical reminder to be kind to others. Our Kindness Elf (I just got a little stuffed one) will show up at the door on Dec. 1 with a letter to remember that Christmas is about Jesus and for others. Each day the elf (I’ve roped my two older kids into managing this) will have a kindness suggestion like “Make cookies for the postman” or “Write your sponsored child a letter.” I think it will be fun and will keep the focus on what matters.


    Dear World: Let’s Stop Giving Our Crap to the Poor Oct 14, 2014
    Show notes

    I was getting ready to leave for a trip to Kenya a couple of years ago, when a church emailed and asked if Mercy House had any specific needs. I quickly responded and told them I wanted to give Maureen, our Kenyan Director, an iPhone, so we could communicate during (almost weekly) power outages. I told them if they would buy one instead, we could use the money for other needed items.

    On the church’s Facebook feed a few days later, I saw an appeal that said something like, “We want to support a ministry with a used iPhone. If you have an old one you can donate, please let us know.”

    I was given an older iPhone a week later. On the ground in Kenya, I realized it wouldn’t hold a charge for more than 10 minutes. The phone was junk.

    So, when I left Kenya, I gave Maureen my used one that worked.

    The church contacted me after the trip and asked how Maureen liked her new phone? I told them it was useless and said, “Don’t worry about it. I gave her mine.”

    “Oh, we feel badly, please let us replace your phone! We want to buy you a brand new one, an upgrade. You deserve it,” I told them I used my husband’s upgrade and already had a replacement phone. “Ok. Instead we would like to write you a $500 check for the inconvenience.”

    Give it to Maureen, I said.

    And they did.

    Dear World Lets Stop Giving Our Crap to the Poor

    While the church tried to make it right, I was bothered by the fact they were more than willing to buy me a new phone I didn’t need. I have noticed this mentality permeates the Church as a whole: The poor will be happy with our leftovers. They don’t know any better. They live in Africa or Honduras, they don’t need the latest technology or the best brands like we do. They will appreciate anything we give because something is more than nothing.

    Why do we give others-often those in service to the poor or the poor themselves-something we wouldn’t keep or give ourselves?

    Somehow collecting clothes for immigrants has become the perfect opportunity to get rid of stuff we don’t want and gathering baby items for new moms is the perfect excuse to toss out stained and worn clothing we wouldn’t dare use again. I’ve packed suitcases with beautiful donations, but mostly I’ve pilfered through piles of junk donated in the name of Jesus.

    It’s time to stop giving our crap to the poor.

    There’s nothing wrong with used or second-hand. It’s often my first and favorite choice. Many organizations and ministries depend on used gifts. But if we give used, it should be our best. I’m not saying when we clean out older clothes or toys or things we don’t use any longer and donate them–that this is wrong. I am saying if we give it away, it should be something we would use ourselves.

    The poor may not have wealth, but they have dignity. I’ve met people without electricity or running water who swept their dirt floors daily, pressed their clothes neatly, walked miles to work on muddy roads, dodging sewage and never had a speck of dirt on them. They value their own worth, we should too.

    I’ll never forget meeting a woman in Africa who supported her large family by reselling used clothes from America. But when she held up clothes to show me what was for sale– clothes Americans had donated in clothing drives–they were tattered and stained. I was embarrassed.

    Her best depended on our worst.

    MG_11631

    Just because our donation feels like we are helping, in reality, we could be hurting. Bales of used clothes are sold to African countries for resell and they end up flooding the market and often put local textile businesses and seamstresses out of business.

    It’s time to think about not only what we give and how we give it, but also why we give it. Just because it makes us feel better (and cleans out our garage at the same time), doesn’t mean it’s the best for those in need. Perhaps we should look a little deeper into our hearts and wallets when we can say, I don’t have money to give to the poor, but I have a lot of stuff. Maybe we need to buy less stuff, so we have more to give?

    “We’re not giving what we’re called to give, unless that giving affects how we live — affects what we put on our plate and where we make our home and hang our hat and what kind of threads we’ve got to have on our back. Surplus Giving is the leftover you can afford to give; Sacrificial Giving is the love gift that changes how you live — because the love of Christ has changed you. God doesn’t want your leftovers. God wants your love overtures, your first-overs, because He is your first love.” -Ann Voskamp

    There have been times over the years, I’ve gasped and grinned at the beautiful items I’ve sorted and packed for the impoverished. When we give our best, we are living our best. We are saying with our donation, you are valuable. We are whispering with our gift, you are worthy of the best. We have the opportunity to speak self worth when we give generously.

    It’s a promise for them.

    It’s a promise for us.

    “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”- Proverbs 19:17

    The next time we have the opportunity to share what we have with someone who is in need. let’s give from the pile we want to keep, not from the one we want to throw out.

    photo credit

    Available Now

    What We Eat On Mondays and Why It Matters Oct 06, 2014
    Show notes

    We eat the same meal at home on Monday nights for dinner.

    photo copy

    We aren’t in a rut. It’s not gourmet and there aren’t any secret ingredients.

    We are being intentional.

    Most of the world doesn’t have the luxury of having a pantry and refrigerator full of food with dozens of options. Meat is for the wealthy and fruit is a delicacy.

    What better way to remind our kids how much we have than through their bellies?

    photo

    We eat rice and beans every Monday, so we can remember how the rest of the world lives and eats.

    Sometimes the best way to introduce a different perspective is by doing something different. And then repeating it often.

    Recipe:

    Cook brown rice, lightly salt, add fresh cilantro

    Top with generous amount of black beans, seasoned with cumin.

    Add fresh avocado.

    It’s what we eat on Mondays. And it matters.


    Raising Daughters in a World that Devalues Them: 7 Things We Must Tell Them Oct 02, 2014
    Show notes

    I took my daughter shopping one night over Spring Break. It’s flip flop and shorts weather down here in Texas about 10 months out of the year, not to mention my girl gets taller every minute. She passed me up months ago.

    Shopping with my teenager should be fun. And mostly it is, except for the actual clothes-shopping-part. It’s so hard to find modest clothes. My teen doesn’t even ask for the shorty shorts any more, even though it’s challenging to find anything but in the stores.

    “Why do they do it, Mom? Why do so many stores sell such immodest clothes for girls?” She was frustrated. It was a question I didn’t know how to answer. I think about how girls are viewed in this world and in return, how they view themselves. How do I tell my 13 year old daughter that sex sells? But I do tell her. She’s a smart girl and notices that some stores sell padded bikini bathing suit tops to 8 year olds.

    It’s time for moms to be offended and stand up to giant stores like Victoria’s Secret and the way they sell sex to our daughters. Their new tween brand is called, “Bright Young Things,” and includes lace black cheeksters with the word “Wild” emblazoned on it, green and white polka-dot hipsters screen printed with “Feeling Lucky?” and a lace trim thong with the words, “Call me” on the front. Source.

    “Our country is replete with an unprecedented number of young girls suffering from eating disorders and body mutilation, while pushing the limits of sexual promiscuity. Is this racy underwear modeled by unrealistically thin girls really the best that we have to offer our girls? In this age when female sex trafficking is becoming a wide-spread crisis, reaching into the depths of our inner cities, is it really responsible for Victoria’s Secret to entice our impressionable young girls with this “come hither” message?

    Underwear that reads, “Call me” does nothing but cheapen a girl’s self-esteem while exacerbating the objectification of her God-given femininity. Our children are being objectified by retailers who see them as nothing more than a path to increased profits.”-Amy Gerwing

    7 things we need to tell our daughters

    We live in a world that hates girls.

    Too harsh? I don’t think so. Globally, did you know that more than 200 million girls in our world have been aborted or abandoned in what is being called a “gendercide?” Many who survive, face neglect, violence and most likely sex trafficking. We might feel detached from this epidemic on this side of the world, but we aren’t. The Super Bowl is the biggest day for sex trafficking in the world and most major cities including the one closest to me, is a hub for young girls to be sold into sex slavery.

    Coupled with the pornography industry, when you consider every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing nude images of somebody’s daughter, it’s more than disturbing. Source

    Yesterday I read about a young girl who was raped. She was just six years old. I’ve heard of horror stories like these thru our work at Mercy House, but this wasn’t in distant Africa. It was in our county, 20-something miles away. I have an innocent six year old and I am sickened by the crime against this child.

    And as if all that isn’t enough to turn a momma gray, the surge of aggressive girls taking the initiative with guys at a very young age, trying to lure them into sexual activity has increased dramatically :

    What in the world is happening?

    What is going on in the hearts of some young girls that causes them to be so assertive? I think there are several reasons for what we are seeing: (from Family Life)

    First, the culture is supporting it. Movies, television shows, commercials, magazines, books … they all glamorize sex and intimacy and the right of young women to go after whatever it is they think will make them happy.

    Second, we have a whole generation of young men who are confused in their own sexual identity. Are they supposed to be sensitive or aggressive? Leaders or helpers? Many young men today are not being taught how to treat a young lady with nobility, dignity, and respect. Many are growing up without a father or male figure to provide guidance. As a result, some of these young men have no idea how they should expect to be treated by a real young lady.

    Third, the breakdown of the family has resulted in a whole generation of daughters who have been abandoned. And in the absence of a healthy, emotional attachment to their fathers and mothers, they’re trying to fill their emotional gas tanks with the opposite sex.

    Finally, there’s little or no preparation for adolescence occurring among parents of preteens or early teens. This may be the core problem. When you ask parents of preteens how many of them would like their children to have the same experience they had in adolescence, there aren’t many hands that go up. But those same parents often become increasingly detached as their children move into the adolescent years.

    Seven Things We Must Tell Our Daughters:

    1. You are Valuable:: She needs to know she is important and so valued that you will protect her with rules and boundaries because you love her. There is safety and comfort within those restrictions, even when she pushes against them.
    2. Your Worth Isn’t Based on Your Appearance:: She needs to be told she is beautiful–not because she’s wearing a sassy outfit or new lipgloss–her worth is not found in her appearance, the opinions of others or herself. She is beautiful because she was created in the image of God. Her appearance has little to do with true beauty and her worth isn’t wrapped up in looking good or being perfect.
    3. You Don’t Need a Guy:: She needs to hear starting at a young age (but it’s never too late to start telling her). She needs to be told a boy doesn’t complete her, God does. Chasing or enticing or wanting a guy doesn’t make her attractive and it doesn’t make her a woman. The only guy she needs in her life for a long time is her Dad or a father figure until God brings her a husband if that’s His plan.
    4. You Are Amazing:: Our daughters need to hear we are proud of them. She is enough. Tell her out of all the girls in the world, you’d always choose her. Sadly, she will be tempted to spend a lot of time in life trying to prove her value to others. Create an atmosphere where she is loved, just like she is.
    5. You Don’t Have to Believe What You Hear:: She needs to hear your affirming voice in her head. Because there will be mean girls in her life, peers with pressure and adults in her world who will let her down and have low expectations of her. She needs to hear the opposite at home, your voice will lead her to Him and she’ll know who to listen to.
    6. You Have Me:: No matter what happens in life, the ups and downs that will come her way, the losses and gains, our daughters must know we are there for them. She needs to know she can talk to you about anything. Anytime. More importantly, we can show her Jesus.
    7. You Can Change the World:: She needs to know she can dream big and can accomplish whatever she wishes. She can do so with God by her side and she doesn’t need a boy or society to make it happen. She can be anything she want to be with your help. Stand by her, with her and watch her fly.

    I’m raising two daughters in this world and my heart cries for Jesus to rescue us all. But until He does, I can’t always protect or shield them, so I will tell them the truth. I can’t change (all this) in the world, but I can prepare them for it.

    “Our daughters are precious, intrinsically valuable and deserve better — they deserve to be cherished and protected.” -Amy Gerwing

    edited repost from the archives


    What We Need to Say to the Mean Girls Sep 22, 2014
    Show notes

    “I asked my friend if she would fold me a fortune teller out of paper like she did for the other girls,” my daughter told me after school.

    “But she said she only makes them for her prettiest friends,” she said and her lip quivered.

    That girl is not your friend, I whispered in her ear.

    It’s my second time to have a second grade daughter and this isn’t our first rodeo with mean girls. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

    I hugged my little girl and reminded her that not only was she beautiful on the outside, she was on the inside, too–where it really mattered.

    “What did you say to her?” I asked, trying not to show my anger.

    Nothing. She said. I turned away from her.

    Sometimes the best thing to say to a mean girl is just that–Nothing. It speaks volumes.

    whattosaytothemeangirls

    Like most 7 year old girls, mine is obsessed with cheerleading, much to her older (band member) siblings dismay. “This will pass, right mom?”

    She’s never been a cheerleader, never really performed a cheer, but that doesn’t stop her from joining the other second grade girls from cheering for the boys playing football at recess. We are the Texas stereotype down here. The struggle is real.

    My daughter explains one of the girls who is a “real live cheerleader for her brother’s team” has put herself in charge. So naturally, she tells everyone what to do, where to stand, what to say. She’s the “Cheer Coach of the Second Grade” if you will.

    On the playground, after this had been going on for a few days, a new girl wanted to join the “squad.” But the Coach wouldn’t let her “because she didn’t like the dress” the new girl was wearing.

    It was at this point in the retelling of the story, I stopped my daughter, “What did you say about that?”

    “Well, Mom, I felt bad for the new girl. She’s really nice and I liked her dress,” my daughter said. “And it made me sad when she sent her away.”

    She finished her story, but I could tell we weren’t done.

    Because sometimes the best thing we can say to a mean girl is stop.

    “Honey, you know that yucky feeling you had when your “friend” said you weren’t pretty? It’s the exact same way the new girl felt when she was excluded. Here’s the thing about girls who are mean-they change the rules. What happens if you wear red tomorrow and she decides everyone wearing red can’t cheer? I think if you stand up for your new friend, you both might feel better.”

    And I could tell by the look on her face, she was thinking hard about this. I knew she understand standing up for someone being targeted, might make you the target.

    After school the next day over a snack, she said very nonchalantly, “Mom, it worked. The girl in charge changed her mind and now everyone gets to cheer.”

    Moms, here’s where we get to teach our daughters and speak into their lives that we are sisters. We protect each other. We support one another. We turn away from the mean girls by saying nothing. And sometimes we tell them to stop making up their own rules because we won’t follow them. Because when we go along with something wrong, we aren’t helping. We can encourage our daughters to stand up for each other.

    It didn’t take more than two weeks of school for my daughter to encounter her first mean girl. It happens. And maybe that little girl wasn’t even trying to be mean, but she was asserting control over others. You know what’s crazy? We’ve all seen it in grown up women and it’s just as ugly.

    We can live by the same rules. The next time a friend talks badly about another or excludes someone, we can do the same thing we want our girls to do.


    The Problem With The Child-Centered Home Aug 04, 2014
    Show notes

    I held up a finger when she opened my bedroom door, reminding her I was on an important call and didn’t want to be interrupted.

    But she ignored my attempt to quiet her and asked the question loudly as if MY ONE FINGER in the air meant nothing.

    I pointed again, more forcefully. My 7 year old kept right on talking.

    Even my most threatening face didn’t stop her.

    This must be really important, I thought.

    I said excuse me to the professional on the receiver, covered the mouthpiece and whispered through gritted teeth, “WHAT IS IT?”

    She took a tiny step backward and said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m bored.”

    Y’all.

    It was nearly a poltergeist moment for me.

    “Go play. Give me 5 more minutes,” I said seething.

    “But mom, I need you to tell me what to do.”

    The rest of the phone call occurred with me sitting on the closed toilet behind a locked door.

    When I hung up a few minutes later, I kept thinking about my daughter’s words. I need you to tell me what to do.

    I’m not a stranger to a child-centered home. For years, we let our kids determine restaurants we ate at, we gave them ample choices, we backed down from consequences, we centered our lives around their extracurricular activities, we added fun kid stuff to every weekend so they wouldn’t be bored, and when they asked us what they were supposed to do for fun, we told them. Some days, we still reap the effects of it.

    And then, a few years ago, we started to shift to a Jesus-centered home. Instead of child worship, where we bowed to every whim and demand from our kids, we refocused and prioritized our lives. My children didn’t stop being important. We didn’t stop loving them unconditionally or stop meeting their needs. We just stopped trying to fix every problem and giving in to every desire.

    Last week, I told you how serving turned our home right-side up. It’s never too early to start or too late to try. We started by picking a few things off this list: 100 Ways to Make a Difference As a Family.

    Listen, humans are naturally self-centered. We want what we want. Our kids are no different.

    If we build our home around their every want, they will let us.

    And it may seem easier because kids who always get what they want seem “happy.”

    Until they don’t get what they want.

    And then watch out.

    My greatest calling is being a mom. I love my children and I’m grateful for them. But that doesn’t mean they are the sun and I should orbit around them in submission.

    Children having picnic

    When we center our homes around the wants and demands of our kids, we are actually hurting them, not helping.

    Here are five risks of a child-centered home:

    1. It gives kids the false security that the world is about them- We can build our world around our kids, but the world won’t return the favor. Sooner or later-in school or at a first job, they will discover life isn’t always fair and they can’t always get out of sticky situations.
    2. It puts a strain on our marriage-it’s easy to put children in front of spouses and when we put kids at the center of the home, things get out of balance, including our marriages.
    3. It reinforces selfishness-kids don’t need to be taught selfishness. “Mine” is usually one of their first words. But constantly letting the world revolve around their demand and wishes, only reinforces selfishness.
    4. It puts a responsibility and pressure on children they weren’t meant to carry. Kids weren’t designed to carry the burden of getting their way all the time. Not only is it unhealthy, I believe kids want restrictions and guidelines. It’s another way we show them how much we love them.
    5. It makes them a challenge outside of home (school, church, etc). Enough said.

    Refocusing our homes, centering them around Christ instead of our children isn’t easy. It takes consistent, hard work. And when our kids are begging for us to tell them what to do, we should hide in the bathroom. Or give them time to answer their own question.

    Oh, and I found the perfect thing for my daughter to do. Her room has never looked better.

    Available Now


    4 Conversations We Need to Have With Our Tweens Jun 02, 2014
    Show notes

    A long, long time ago, I taught one year of first grade.

    It kicked my butt.

    It was hard and I realized not everyone who likes kids should be a teacher.

    I loved recess the most–like most of my students. I loved it because the kids would get out their pent-up energy. And the 6-7 year olds loved it because it was free time. It was also the time they would talk. And by talk, I mean share. New words were learned and stories were told.

    The playground is where my daughter first heard the words french kissing. Which is obviously kissing in Paris. And before you think this is why we don’t send our kids to public school, a homeschool friend explained the word porn. Because kids.

    Row of students

    There is education and then there is education. We need to talk to our kids about things kids are talking about. I don’t want my kids believing everything they hear, but if I’m too embarrassed or too shy to brooch the subject, then I’m having to reteach something they already have an opinion on–likely from George on the playground who has a big brother or Sally who watches too-mature movies.

    4 Conversations We Need to Have:

    1. We need to talk about sex and all the words we don’t want to say out loud: Y’all. Playgrounds have moved way beyond our memories of it…like when we heard you could be pregnant by kissing in your bathing suit. Kids are exposed to so much more with apps and iphones, unlimited freedom and our sex-crazed culture. Don’t be afraid to ask your kids what they’ve heard. But more importantly, teach them what is right and wrong from God’s standard. And start by listening. When we are quiet, waiting for them to talk, often they do.

    2. Address the boyfriend/girlfriend thing: It took all of 9 days of the 6th grade before a girl was asking my son to be her boyfriend. He was shocked and slightly offended. His classic answer, “I’m just a kid. I’m way too young for that. Thanks, anyway!” We have a society of aggressive girls who aren’t afraid to chase our sons. Some parents my expect their tweens and younger teens (under 16) to dip their toes in the “dating” waters, but we don’t encourage boy/girl stuff. At all. It’s not cute or funny. There’s a time and place for it, but it’s not now.

    After some probing after an article I read, I asked my 8th grade daughter if anyone ever did “slap ass Friday” (where boys will slap girls on the butt in the halls, while lockering, etc). She said she had seen it going on, but the school was very strict to stop it. “Plus, Mom, boys know I would turn them in so quick! They wouldn’t dare.” We often don’t say anything because we’re afraid we’ll expose our kids to things too soon. We can’t buy into that anymore. If your child is in public or even private school–or frankly, around other kids their age, we need to begin these conversations.

    3. The importance of not fitting in: There is a lot of pressure to be like everyone else. I would say it’s even overwhelming pressure at this age. If your kids don’t have church or positive community within or outside of school, they are going to feel some pressure to comply with culture norms. This isn’t always terrible. It’s part of growing up. There is a part in all of us that longs to fit in, but we need to remind our kids that it’s okay to be different. We need to be talking with our kids about it and praying for good, Godly friends to be a part of their lives. There is a lot of experimenting in tween and teen years. If you’re raising your kids in a with Godly ideals, don’t be afraid to set boundaries.

    P.S. Clothes start becoming a big deal. My son never cared about what he wore to elementary. The first day of the 6th grade changed that. It was a pretty easy shift for me to buy him athletic shorts instead of Osh Kosh (sorry, he’s my baby). I just didn’t know until he told me his preference. And It’s okay to say no to things or fads that aren’t in your child’s best interest. Just because it’s being sold in the stores and “everyone else is wearing it” isn’t enough reason for us to jump on a bandwagon. Modesty is a thing, too.

    4. The conversation where we don’t say anything. This is the season where our kids often clam up and stop telling us everything. I think it’s probably because it’s the season parents talk a lot.We list the rules, we nag, we remind, we speak before we listen. But I’m learning the less I say, the more they open up. Instead of asking “how’s your day?” and waiting for the trite answer, if I’m quiet, they often tell me much more. This might be one of the most important conversations of all.

    Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids about anything. They are waiting for you to, whether they know it or not.

    Read more about my unexpected journey of wild obedience in Rhinestone Jesus: Saying Yes to God When Sparkly Safe Faith is No Longer Enough.

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