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Kristen Welch — Christianity
Kristen Welch

We are THAT Family

Latest Episodes:

The Truth About Raising Kids to Go Against the Flow Mar 02, 2016
Show notes

She stepped off the school bus and by the look on her face, I could tell it had been a hard day.

She marched through the door, shrugged off her backpack, grabbed my hand and led me to my room. We crawled onto my big bed and it all spilled out.

I heard all about the girl drama on the playground, about the kid who laughed at her math homework grade, and the birthday party she wasn’t invited to.

Third grade can be hard.

And then she got to the heart issue…Mom, I just want to fit in.

Oh, baby. We need to talk.

I don’t know when she started to notice that she doesn’t always fit in. She’s the girl who attended the birthday party, but not the sleepover. She’s the one who doesn’t have a TV in her room, a phone in her pocket or unmonitored Internet in her house.

And while every home is different and what works for some doesn’t for others, sometimes our kids feel different than other kids. And that’s okay.

Because as harsh as it may sound, that’s exactly how I want my daughter to feel because that’s how I’m raising her. Upstream.

I want to fit in. It’s the driving theme behind our culture. People follow the latest fashions, jump on the latest and greatest trends, overextend themselves with things they can’t afford —why? Because our culture craves what everyone else has or is doing. Fitting in offers-although temporary- a sense of belonging.

And this need doesn’t escape our children; no, it starts with them. Kid’s brains are wired for social inclusion. This is the single most important force our kids must contend with: to belong. They want to blend in. It’s a natural phase of growing up.

But if we dare to lead our home against the flow, we will likely raise children who are different. Whether we realize it or not, we’ve asked our children to stand in the raging current of our culture and take one hard step at a time upstream.

And it won’t be easy.

I began to see glimpses of this when my children were very young. Because when your parenting choices don’t match up with what everyone else is doing, people notice. And they often aren’t afraid to point it out to you and other people.

But-hey, we’re grown ups. We can handle it, right?

It’s harder for our kids because we are choosing this journey for them until they can navigate it on their own. Our belief in absolute truth, our choice to follow Jesus, our priorities– are setting our kids on an upstream course. And whether we like it or not, we are raising kids who won’t always fit in with what our culture says is normal.

It shows up in school and at church, in our community and our friend’s homes:

The first time your son asks his friends if they can play a less violent video game.

The first time your daughter chooses a modest dress over a popular trend.

The first time your son is showed pornography on a friend’s phone and walks away.

The first time your daughter stands up to the mean girls.

The first time your child opposes what others are doing is the beginning of a lot of other firsts.

When our kids leave our home, we hope they will stay on course; we’ve done what we can to equip them. If they choose another path, we pray God will redeem it.

In the meantime, most people don’t like turbulent waters because can be scary and uncertain. But they will come and you will survive them.

To Upstream Parents:

It’s ok.

Take a deep breath and remember parenting is hard. Especially when you’re doing it right. You might feel guilty in your decisions and bad for your kids because your choices might alienate them at times.

But sometimes loving our kids requires grit.

And sometimes it means we have to be mean.

One of the great things about parenting is we have the gift of hindsight and the wisdom of foresight. We can learn from our mistakes and hopefully help our kids avoid some. We can also look ahead and parent with wisdom and maturity our kids don’t possess yet. They won’t always understand our choices, acknowledge our wisdom and appreciate our difficult decisions. And that’s okay. We decided a long time ago to lead our families with intention. Not everyone will understand every leg of the journey-including our kids.

But stay the course. When the waters get turbulent–and they will–keep your eyes on Jesus. And keep going. Keep loving and serving your family and keep focusing on who we are raising our kids to be. They will notice your dependence on Him.

And it may not be today, but if you lead your family upstream, at some point, your kids will begin to feel its effects.

And when they do, these words are for them:

To Our Upstream Children:

Hey. I know this is hard. I know there are days you want to be like everyone else and just kind of blend in. Sometimes it’s hard being that kid. Nobody wants to feel weird or left out.

I know you want to be normal and fit in, but I’m going to be honest, it’s not really possible. Because when you choose to walk with God, you choose to become like Him and that desire makes you act in a way the the world doesn’t always understand. It makes you different.

And it means the journey won’t be easy. It’s actually really hard and I see that. I see you trying and struggling.

God sees you.

I also see things you can’t see yet…who you’re becoming and how you’re growing into a strong and resilient world changer.

And even though I don’t understand what you’re going through, I want you to know I’m here.

You’re not facing this alone.

I know it hurts. I know you might be mad at me. I know we fight about it, but that’s ok. I can handle it. I’m not going anywhere. I know you need to push back against something that won’t give up or in.

I can’t be with you every moment of the day (this will really bum your teens out), but there is someone who can be. God loves you more than I do. He’s not going anywhere and he loves that you aren’t like everyone else.

Please remember I love you and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know this journey can be hard, but it’s worth it.

The Truth About Raising Kids to Go Against the Flow Mar 02, 2016
Show notes

She stepped off the school bus and by the look on her face, I could tell it had been a hard day.

She marched through the door, shrugged off her backpack, grabbed my hand and led me to my room. We crawled onto my big bed and it all spilled out.

I heard all about the girl drama on the playground, about the kid who laughed at her math homework grade, and the birthday party she wasn’t invited to.

Third grade can be hard.

And then she got to the heart issue…Mom, I just want to fit in.

Oh, baby. We need to talk.

I don’t know when she started to notice that she doesn’t always fit in. She’s the girl who attended the birthday party, but not the sleepover. She’s the one who doesn’t have a TV in her room, a phone in her pocket or unmonitored Internet in her house.

And while every home is different and what works for some doesn’t for others, sometimes our kids feel different than other kids. And that’s okay.

Because as harsh as it may sound, that’s exactly how I want my daughter to feel because that’s how I’m raising her. Upstream.

I want to fit in. It’s the driving theme behind our culture. People follow the latest fashions, jump on the latest and greatest trends, overextend themselves with things they can’t afford —why? Because our culture craves what everyone else has or is doing. Fitting in offers-although temporary- a sense of belonging.

And this need doesn’t escape our children; no, it starts with them. Kid’s brains are wired for social inclusion. This is the single most important force our kids must contend with: to belong. They want to blend in. It’s a natural phase of growing up.

But if we dare to lead our home against the flow, we will likely raise children who are different. Whether we realize it or not, we’ve asked our children to stand in the raging current of our culture and take one hard step at a time upstream.

And it won’t be easy.

I began to see glimpses of this when my children were very young. Because when your parenting choices don’t match up with what everyone else is doing, people notice. And they often aren’t afraid to point it out to you and other people.

But-hey, we’re grown ups. We can handle it, right?

It’s harder for our kids because we are choosing this journey for them until they can navigate it on their own. Our belief in absolute truth, our choice to follow Jesus, our priorities– are setting our kids on an upstream course. And whether we like it or not, we are raising kids who won’t always fit in with what our culture says is normal.

It shows up in school and at church, in our community and our friend’s homes:

The first time your son asks his friends if they can play a less violent video game.

The first time your daughter chooses a modest dress over a popular trend.

The first time your son is showed pornography on a friend’s phone and walks away.

The first time your daughter stands up to the mean girls.

The first time your child opposes what others are doing is the beginning of a lot of other firsts.

When our kids leave our home, we hope they will stay on course; we’ve done what we can to equip them. If they choose another path, we pray God will redeem it.

In the meantime, most people don’t like turbulent waters because can be scary and uncertain. But they will come and you will survive them.

To Upstream Parents:

It’s ok.

Take a deep breath and remember parenting is hard. Especially when you’re doing it right. You might feel guilty in your decisions and bad for your kids because your choices might alienate them at times.

But sometimes loving our kids requires grit.

And sometimes it means we have to be mean.

One of the great things about parenting is we have the gift of hindsight and the wisdom of foresight. We can learn from our mistakes and hopefully help our kids avoid some. We can also look ahead and parent with wisdom and maturity our kids don’t possess yet. They won’t always understand our choices, acknowledge our wisdom and appreciate our difficult decisions. And that’s okay. We decided a long time ago to lead our families with intention. Not everyone will understand every leg of the journey-including our kids.

But stay the course. When the waters get turbulent–and they will–keep your eyes on Jesus. And keep going. Keep loving and serving your family and keep focusing on who we are raising our kids to be. They will notice your dependence on Him.

And it may not be today, but if you lead your family upstream, at some point, your kids will begin to feel its effects.

And when they do, these words are for them:

To Our Upstream Children:

Hey. I know this is hard. I know there are days you want to be like everyone else and just kind of blend in. Sometimes it’s hard being that kid. Nobody wants to feel weird or left out.

I know you want to be normal and fit in, but I’m going to be honest, it’s not really possible. Because when you choose to walk with God, you choose to become like Him and that desire makes you act in a way the the world doesn’t always understand. It makes you different.

And it means the journey won’t be easy. It’s actually really hard and I see that. I see you trying and struggling.

God sees you.

I also see things you can’t see yet…who you’re becoming and how you’re growing into a strong and resilient world changer.

And even though I don’t understand what you’re going through, I want you to know I’m here.

You’re not facing this alone.

I know it hurts. I know you might be mad at me. I know we fight about it, but that’s ok. I can handle it. I’m not going anywhere. I know you need to push back against something that won’t give up or in.

I can’t be with you every moment of the day (this will really bum your teens out), but there is someone who can be. God loves you more than I do. He’s not going anywhere and he loves that you aren’t like everyone else.

Please remember I love you and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know this journey can be hard, but it’s worth it.

FullSizeRender — 25 Low-Prep Service Projects That Will Teach Kids Gratitude Feb 18, 2016
Show notes

I’m happy to welcome my friend, Janel and her practical, down-to-earth ideas as a part of our upstream parenting journey.

Guest post by Janel

I confess to perhaps an excess amount of glee when my sweaty, flush-faced ten-year-old stepped into the kitchen last week, toting two large, discarded bags once filled with cement, but now overflowing with…

What was that?

“I picked up all the trash along the road, Mom!”

And that—despite all my other moments rubber-stamped MOM FAIL—I filed away in my brain as one of God’s little encouragements that at least some things were going right in our parenting. The kids and I had made trips through our neighborhood before together with trash bags in tow (poverty-stricken places can also be quite messy places). But this took things to the next level: both identifying a need, and taking personal ownership of it as his brother’s keeper.

So much of teaching our kids to serve is to impart the eyes of a servant and a heart of humility. Honestly, that’s even more important to me than soccer practice or chess club at this moment in time.

Raising kids who come not to be served but to serve is unquestionably a priority for a lot of us. In honor of Kristen’s sweet new book, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, I’ve compiled a can-do list of easy ways for our kids to serve, whether alongside us or all on their own.

Though service does work against the grain of our selfishness, we also want our kids to “catch the bug” of serving, and discover how fulfilling it can be. So create enthusiasm (not false enthusiasm) and occasionally rewards (“Let’s go out for ice cream afterwards!”). Use discernment to think through how much to push your kids, or whether to simply to direct them to a project they naturally enjoy more.

Talk with your kids to discover the causes they’re passionate about, and help them design an activity they could do: a baby clothing drive for the pregnancy center, cooking relief meals for parents performing foster care, finding a missionary kid pen pal, playing a pickup game of basketball with a kid whose parents are in the middle of a divorce…your child’s imagination (um, and your resources) are the limit!

For ideas for kids to work with organizations already making a difference (like making a fleece blanket with Project Linus), click here.

Volunteer as a Sunday school, VBS, or church nursery assistant.

Babysit for a date night for a young couple, a single mom, or a family enduring a rough patch.

Make a meal (or even just a pan of muffins) for a family whose father is deployed, who are sick, have experienced a loss, etc.

Sort baby clothes or other volunteer work for a local pregnancy center.

Sign up for a regular monthly night to serve food and/or lead a devotion at the local rescue mission.

When a neighbor travels, volunteer to water plants or care for a pet.

Shovel snow or rake leaves for the neighbors. Or, if they’re not overly picky about their lawn, when your child mows yours, have them mow the neighbor’s portion too (you might need to have them ask first).

Pick up trash along your street.

Don’t forget service projects for Dad. Honor him with a coupon book the kids think up: Will mow the lawn free, without complaining. Will rake leaves. Will start and scrape the car one cold morning before work. Will make one batch of cookies. Younger kids can do it, too: Will get you one hot or cold beverage, or snack of your choice.

Visit and bring a plate of cookies to an elderly member of your church or family.

Tutor a younger child after school, or play with one who might need some extra love.

When another mom or couple comes over, your child can watch and/or entertain their children while you chat.

Make a cake for someone whose birthday might be overlooked, or for someone celebrating a milestone (a new job, a great report card).

Write notes (you can even make the cards yourself!) for people who could use a little affirmation and/or encouragement. (E-mail works in a pinch!)

Prepare a missionary care package (don’t forget notes from your kids, and prayer for the missionaries!) or Samaritan’s Purse shoebox Click here for 40 Ideas to Raise Globally-Minded Kids.

Research and prepare small packs of supplies for the homeless you see while driving in your city.

Ask your church if there is something you could do for a family who’s having a difficult time right now.

Together, clean the house of someone who might have a difficult time on their own, like the elderly or handicapped.

Hold a car wash, bake sale, lemonade stand, or garage sale to raise funds for a cause you all care about.

Make fun nametags for the doors of a local nursing home, and pop in for conversation with those who don’t get many visitors. You could bring board games, nail polish, lotion to rub hands or feet, or other ideas to pass the time with them.

Visit and/or construct a “care basket” for a kid who’s in the hospital. Alternatively, call (or have your child call) the children’s ward of a local hospital and see what you might be able to do to brighten the days of some sick kids.

When a sibling is having a bad day, put your heads together make a plan to encourage them. (Click here for some fun ideas.)

Your child can write a note or e-mail of appreciation to your pastor, a youth pastor, kids’ ministry personnel, Sunday school teachers, school teachers, and others who pour into his or her life.

Go through your used books, clothing, and toys together, and think of creative places to donate them: the church nursery, a pregnancy center, or simply Goodwill. Talk to your kids about the philosophy of living a simpler life with less stuff, and decide together to give away a few things that are a little difficult.

Adopt a family (without making them feel like a project): Pray and talk together about a family who could use some extra love right now. What will your strategy be? What are their true needs (as opposed to what you guess they might want), and how can you help them in a sustainable way?

Janel has a resume that would impress anyone. We met one day for a couple of hours and it felt like we’d known each other forever. She writes about discovering God’s undeserved, indescribable favor–grace–that has turned her life on its head. She lives in Africa with her family and her writing will inspire you!

25 Low-Prep Service Projects That Will Teach Kids Gratitude Feb 18, 2016
Show notes

I’m happy to welcome my friend, Janel and her practical, down-to-earth ideas as a part of our upstream parenting journey.

Guest post by Janel

I confess to perhaps an excess amount of glee when my sweaty, flush-faced ten-year-old stepped into the kitchen last week, toting two large, discarded bags once filled with cement, but now overflowing with…

What was that?

“I picked up all the trash along the road, Mom!”

And that—despite all my other moments rubber-stamped MOM FAIL—I filed away in my brain as one of God’s little encouragements that at least some things were going right in our parenting. The kids and I had made trips through our neighborhood before together with trash bags in tow (poverty-stricken places can also be quite messy places). But this took things to the next level: both identifying a need, and taking personal ownership of it as his brother’s keeper.

So much of teaching our kids to serve is to impart the eyes of a servant and a heart of humility. Honestly, that’s even more important to me than soccer practice or chess club at this moment in time.

Raising kids who come not to be served but to serve is unquestionably a priority for a lot of us. In honor of Kristen’s sweet new book, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, I’ve compiled a can-do list of easy ways for our kids to serve, whether alongside us or all on their own.

Though service does work against the grain of our selfishness, we also want our kids to “catch the bug” of serving, and discover how fulfilling it can be. So create enthusiasm (not false enthusiasm) and occasionally rewards (“Let’s go out for ice cream afterwards!”). Use discernment to think through how much to push your kids, or whether to simply to direct them to a project they naturally enjoy more.

Talk with your kids to discover the causes they’re passionate about, and help them design an activity they could do: a baby clothing drive for the pregnancy center, cooking relief meals for parents performing foster care, finding a missionary kid pen pal, playing a pickup game of basketball with a kid whose parents are in the middle of a divorce…your child’s imagination (um, and your resources) are the limit!

For ideas for kids to work with organizations already making a difference (like making a fleece blanket with Project Linus), click here.

Volunteer as a Sunday school, VBS, or church nursery assistant.

Babysit for a date night for a young couple, a single mom, or a family enduring a rough patch.

Make a meal (or even just a pan of muffins) for a family whose father is deployed, who are sick, have experienced a loss, etc.

Sort baby clothes or other volunteer work for a local pregnancy center.

Sign up for a regular monthly night to serve food and/or lead a devotion at the local rescue mission.

When a neighbor travels, volunteer to water plants or care for a pet.

Shovel snow or rake leaves for the neighbors. Or, if they’re not overly picky about their lawn, when your child mows yours, have them mow the neighbor’s portion too (you might need to have them ask first).

Pick up trash along your street.

Don’t forget service projects for Dad. Honor him with a coupon book the kids think up: Will mow the lawn free, without complaining. Will rake leaves. Will start and scrape the car one cold morning before work. Will make one batch of cookies. Younger kids can do it, too: Will get you one hot or cold beverage, or snack of your choice.

Visit and bring a plate of cookies to an elderly member of your church or family.

Tutor a younger child after school, or play with one who might need some extra love.

When another mom or couple comes over, your child can watch and/or entertain their children while you chat.

Make a cake for someone whose birthday might be overlooked, or for someone celebrating a milestone (a new job, a great report card).

Write notes (you can even make the cards yourself!) for people who could use a little affirmation and/or encouragement. (E-mail works in a pinch!)

Prepare a missionary care package (don’t forget notes from your kids, and prayer for the missionaries!) or Samaritan’s Purse shoebox Click here for 40 Ideas to Raise Globally-Minded Kids.

Research and prepare small packs of supplies for the homeless you see while driving in your city.

Ask your church if there is something you could do for a family who’s having a difficult time right now.

Together, clean the house of someone who might have a difficult time on their own, like the elderly or handicapped.

Hold a car wash, bake sale, lemonade stand, or garage sale to raise funds for a cause you all care about.

Make fun nametags for the doors of a local nursing home, and pop in for conversation with those who don’t get many visitors. You could bring board games, nail polish, lotion to rub hands or feet, or other ideas to pass the time with them.

Visit and/or construct a “care basket” for a kid who’s in the hospital. Alternatively, call (or have your child call) the children’s ward of a local hospital and see what you might be able to do to brighten the days of some sick kids.

When a sibling is having a bad day, put your heads together make a plan to encourage them. (Click here for some fun ideas.)

Your child can write a note or e-mail of appreciation to your pastor, a youth pastor, kids’ ministry personnel, Sunday school teachers, school teachers, and others who pour into his or her life.

Go through your used books, clothing, and toys together, and think of creative places to donate them: the church nursery, a pregnancy center, or simply Goodwill. Talk to your kids about the philosophy of living a simpler life with less stuff, and decide together to give away a few things that are a little difficult.

Adopt a family (without making them feel like a project): Pray and talk together about a family who could use some extra love right now. What will your strategy be? What are their true needs (as opposed to what you guess they might want), and how can you help them in a sustainable way?

Janel has a resume that would impress anyone. We met one day for a couple of hours and it felt like we’d known each other forever. She writes about discovering God’s undeserved, indescribable favor–grace–that has turned her life on its head. She lives in Africa with her family and her writing will inspire you!

unspecified-7 — God Is Good, Even When Life Isn’t Feb 10, 2016
Show notes

Six years ago, I stood in a slum in Africa for the first time in my life.

I saw human suffering face-to-face. I stepped over raw sewage and followed armed bodyguards into hell. I shook with fear. I stood helplessly as gaunt little children pulled at my clothes and begged for food.

I shook my fist in the face of God with hot tears splashing the ground and I asked questions good Christians aren’t supposed to ask.

I doubted and I raged. I sobbed and I regretted.

I came home and before we started Mercy House, I wrote a raw, gut-wrenching story about what I had seen and how I felt about it for a large Christian women’s online site.

And it was rejected…

Along with these words: “Kristen, we love your heart, but the article you submitted is too honest, too messy. If you would like to edit your story so that it is encouraging and tidy, we would love to read it again.”

Every piece of the middle-class, comfortable Christian good girl I had been for the first 37 years of my life had been shattered.

I remember standing in front of the mirror wondering, “Who am I now?”

I don’t always fit neatly into this safe and sanctified Christian world.

I don’t know how to wrap grief and sorrow, disappointment and discouragement up with a pretty bow. I can’t edit what I’ve seen or erase the tragic stories I’ve heard.

So, I’ve stopped trying.

Because life isn’t always good…

Just in the last week, I’ve been reminded of that truth:

Maureen, my heart-daughter in Kenya, messaged me at 4 a.m. to tell me she would have to bury another immediate family member…the 4th one since I’ve known her.

A couple of friends lost jobs.

I’ve heard unthinkable stories of abuse towards oppressed women.

A non-profit leader from India stood in our Mercy House warehouse and told me how he had rescued a 5 year old rape and trafficking victim.

God doesn’t answer every prayer the way we want Him to.

He doesn’t move every mountain when we ask.

He doesn’t heal every sickness in the way we would like.

He doesn’t always part the waters for us to walk through.

He doesn’t answer every cry.

But that doesn’t change a thing. I will trust Him.

Because even when life isn’t good, God is.

He pressed his fingers into the sore of the leper. He felt the tears of the sinful woman who wept. He inclined his ear to the cry of the hungry. He wept at the death of a friend. He stopped his work to tend to the needs of a grieving mother. He doesn’t recoil, run, or retreat at the sight of pain. Just the opposite. He didn’t walk the earth in an insulated bubble or preach from an isolated, germfree, pain-free island. He took his own medicine. He played by his own rules. Trivial irritations of family life? Jesus felt them. Cruel accusations of jealous men? Jesus knew their sting. A seemingly senseless death? Just look at the cross. He exacts nothing from us that he did not experience himself.

Why? Because he is good.” -Max Lucado

It’s been six long and short years since I stood in that hellhole.

I’ve witnessed redemption in unlikely places.

I’ve seen miracles.

I’ve taken off my shoes on holy ground.

Maybe the hell you’re enduring today doesn’t stink like sewage in a slum, but it stinks nonetheless. Hold on, friends. God is near. He is in the middle of this hard, messy, unedited life. His ways don’t always make sense in our limited understanding, but we can trust the Way Maker.

Some days I still ask hard questions. I shake my fist and cry. I stopped searching for that pretty bow to tidy up all these broken pieces a long time ago.

But I know that even when life isn’t good, I can trust that He is.

unspecified-6 — God Is Good, Even When Life Isn’t Feb 10, 2016
Show notes

Six years ago, I stood in a slum in Africa for the first time in my life.

I saw human suffering face-to-face. I stepped over raw sewage and followed armed bodyguards into hell. I shook with fear. I stood helplessly as gaunt little children pulled at my clothes and begged for food.

I shook my fist in the face of God with hot tears splashing the ground and I asked questions good Christians aren’t supposed to ask.

I doubted and I raged. I sobbed and I regretted.

I came home and before we started Mercy House, I wrote a raw, gut-wrenching story about what I had seen and how I felt about it for a large Christian women’s online site.

And it was rejected…

Along with these words: “Kristen, we love your heart, but the article you submitted is too honest, too messy. If you would like to edit your story so that it is encouraging and tidy, we would love to read it again.”

Every piece of the middle-class, comfortable Christian good girl I had been for the first 37 years of my life had been shattered.

I remember standing in front of the mirror wondering, “Who am I now?”

I don’t always fit neatly into this safe and sanctified Christian world.

I don’t know how to wrap grief and sorrow, disappointment and discouragement up with a pretty bow. I can’t edit what I’ve seen or erase the tragic stories I’ve heard.

So, I’ve stopped trying.

Because life isn’t always good…

Just in the last week, I’ve been reminded of that truth:

Maureen, my heart-daughter in Kenya, messaged me at 4 a.m. to tell me she would have to bury another immediate family member…the 4th one since I’ve known her.

A couple of friends lost jobs.

I’ve heard unthinkable stories of abuse towards oppressed women.

A non-profit leader from India stood in our Mercy House warehouse and told me how he had rescued a 5 year old rape and trafficking victim.

God doesn’t answer every prayer the way we want Him to.

He doesn’t move every mountain when we ask.

He doesn’t heal every sickness in the way we would like.

He doesn’t always part the waters for us to walk through.

He doesn’t answer every cry.

But that doesn’t change a thing. I will trust Him.

Because even when life isn’t good, God is.

He pressed his fingers into the sore of the leper. He felt the tears of the sinful woman who wept. He inclined his ear to the cry of the hungry. He wept at the death of a friend. He stopped his work to tend to the needs of a grieving mother. He doesn’t recoil, run, or retreat at the sight of pain. Just the opposite. He didn’t walk the earth in an insulated bubble or preach from an isolated, germfree, pain-free island. He took his own medicine. He played by his own rules. Trivial irritations of family life? Jesus felt them. Cruel accusations of jealous men? Jesus knew their sting. A seemingly senseless death? Just look at the cross. He exacts nothing from us that he did not experience himself.

Why? Because he is good.” -Max Lucado

It’s been six long and short years since I stood in that hellhole.

I’ve witnessed redemption in unlikely places.

I’ve seen miracles.

I’ve taken off my shoes on holy ground.

Maybe the hell you’re enduring today doesn’t stink like sewage in a slum, but it stinks nonetheless. Hold on, friends. God is near. He is in the middle of this hard, messy, unedited life. His ways don’t always make sense in our limited understanding, but we can trust the Way Maker.

Some days I still ask hard questions. I shake my fist and cry. I stopped searching for that pretty bow to tidy up all these broken pieces a long time ago.

But I know that even when life isn’t good, I can trust that He is.

A Prayer For Hurting Parents Feb 01, 2016
Show notes

I was surrounded by the sound of hundreds of worshipers and I was having a hard time even opening my mouth to sing a word.

It had been a rough parenting week and we had fallen prey to the fight-on-the-way-to-church trap. I couldn’t quite shake the memory of my child’s angry words or the way I’d reacted to them. I was disappointed for both of us.

But we put on our smiles and walked into church and I wondered what other families were pretending to be okay, too. Just because you can’t see a parent struggling doesn’t mean they aren’t. As the music played, my nails dug into my palms as I fought tears and fretted about this parenting cycle I keep finding myself in: hurting people hurt people.

An unfamiliar sound broke my self-absorbed inner dialogue and that’s when I noticed the wheelchair parked in the row in front of me. I didn’t recognize the family-a mom and dad and a handicapped daughter. The teen girl was playfully trying to put the mom’s jacket hood over her head. I marveled at the mom’s patience in the distraction, even though she seemed weary.

The daughter started thrashing in her chair and I couldn’t help but notice how her parents served and lovingly tended to her. They quietly and expertly worked to add liquid to her feeding tube and held it in the air while the nourishment flowed into their daughter’s body. And they never stopped singing.

I closed my eyes and let the song wash over me.

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

The lyrics found their mark and I opened my watering eyes.

But it wasn’t the words or my own pain that broke the dam within me, it was the way the parents in front me, wheelchair between them, threw their arms into the air and sang the chorus with abandon, in total surrender:

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me

I was so moved by their worship to God it was all I could do not to sob. I didn’t know if they were praising because of what they had been through or praying for what was coming; I didn’t know if they were in the middle of their pain or on the other side of it. But I knew in my gut they hurt for their child. Because that’s what we do.

We hurt for our kids.

My husband stood next to me, wiping his eyes. He had also witnessed the act of love and gave me a knowing look.

The crazy thing about pain is there’s not always tell-tale signs or a measurement stick to judge its depth. Someone can look at my family and think we’ve got it all together on one of our worst days. I wondered at the hard road these parents had walked and the uncertain one ahead. Imagining this family’s journey didn’t change mine, but it was the perspective I needed to praise God when parenting is hard. Especially then. Because there is always something to be grateful for.

I wiped my eyes and thought about some sage parenting advice a friend gave me once, “One minute your kids will make your day and the next they will break your heart. Both are normal and one helps us appreciate the other more.”

I don’t know what kind of parenting day (month or year) you’re having. Maybe your kids are making your day (I hope so. Mine often do!) Or maybe their choices or their situation is sort of breaking your heart. Maybe you’ve got a hurting kid; maybe your hurting child has hurt you or maybe it’s a little of both. Perhaps you’re frantic with worry or fear over this symptom, this situation, this season–this prayer is for you:

God,

Some days are just hard. And I need you. Most people don’t know how badly I’m hurting or maybe the just don’t know what to say. But you see me. You know me.

And you know how hard this is.

When I feel alone, you are here.

When I am scared, you comfort me.

When I am weary, you give me rest.

When my arms are empty, you hold me in your arms.

When the storm is out of control, you tell it to be quiet.

When I am ungrateful, you show me what I have.

When I am hurting, you hurt, too.

You love my children more than I do.

And I trust that you will redeem this hard place.

You are constant.

You are only good.

You are Sovereign.

You never forget about me or forsake me.

Thank you for my children. They are a gift from you.

Amen.

Come to me all who weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Photo credit

12540731_10153258255526975_2004308654569423559_n — A Prayer For Hurting Parents Feb 01, 2016
Show notes

I was surrounded by the sound of hundreds of worshipers and I was having a hard time even opening my mouth to sing a word.

It had been a rough parenting week and we had fallen prey to the fight-on-the-way-to-church trap. I couldn’t quite shake the memory of my child’s angry words or the way I’d reacted to them. I was disappointed for both of us.

But we put on our smiles and walked into church and I wondered what other families were pretending to be okay, too. Just because you can’t see a parent struggling doesn’t mean they aren’t. As the music played, my nails dug into my palms as I fought tears and fretted about this parenting cycle I keep finding myself in: hurting people hurt people.

An unfamiliar sound broke my self-absorbed inner dialogue and that’s when I noticed the wheelchair parked in the row in front of me. I didn’t recognize the family-a mom and dad and a handicapped daughter. The teen girl was playfully trying to put the mom’s jacket hood over her head. I marveled at the mom’s patience in the distraction, even though she seemed weary.

The daughter started thrashing in her chair and I couldn’t help but notice how her parents served and lovingly tended to her. They quietly and expertly worked to add liquid to her feeding tube and held it in the air while the nourishment flowed into their daughter’s body. And they never stopped singing.

I closed my eyes and let the song wash over me.

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

The lyrics found their mark and I opened my watering eyes.

But it wasn’t the words or my own pain that broke the dam within me, it was the way the parents in front me, wheelchair between them, threw their arms into the air and sang the chorus with abandon, in total surrender:

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me

I was so moved by their worship to God it was all I could do not to sob. I didn’t know if they were praising because of what they had been through or praying for what was coming; I didn’t know if they were in the middle of their pain or on the other side of it. But I knew in my gut they hurt for their child. Because that’s what we do.

We hurt for our kids.

My husband stood next to me, wiping his eyes. He had also witnessed the act of love and gave me a knowing look.

The crazy thing about pain is there’s not always tell-tale signs or a measurement stick to judge its depth. Someone can look at my family and think we’ve got it all together on one of our worst days. I wondered at the hard road these parents had walked and the uncertain one ahead. Imagining this family’s journey didn’t change mine, but it was the perspective I needed to praise God when parenting is hard. Especially then. Because there is always something to be grateful for.

I wiped my eyes and thought about some sage parenting advice a friend gave me once, “One minute your kids will make your day and the next they will break your heart. Both are normal and one helps us appreciate the other more.”

I don’t know what kind of parenting day (month or year) you’re having. Maybe your kids are making your day (I hope so. Mine often do!) Or maybe their choices or their situation is sort of breaking your heart. Maybe you’ve got a hurting kid; maybe your hurting child has hurt you or maybe it’s a little of both. Perhaps you’re frantic with worry or fear over this symptom, this situation, this season–this prayer is for you:

God,

Some days are just hard. And I need you. Most people don’t know how badly I’m hurting or maybe the just don’t know what to say. But you see me. You know me.

And you know how hard this is.

When I feel alone, you are here.

When I am scared, you comfort me.

When I am weary, you give me rest.

When my arms are empty, you hold me in your arms.

When the storm is out of control, you tell it to be quiet.

When I am ungrateful, you show me what I have.

When I am hurting, you hurt, too.

You love my children more than I do.

And I trust that you will redeem this hard place.

You are constant.

You are only good.

You are Sovereign.

You never forget about me or forsake me.

Thank you for my children. They are a gift from you.

Amen.

Come to me all who weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Photo credit

Why I Won’t Give My Kids An Easy Life Jan 25, 2016
Show notes

I skipped church last Sunday with one of my kids.

Because sometimes it’s more sacred to sacrifice what you should do for what you need to do.

So, we did something important: we stayed in our pajamas and divided up the secret chocolate stash and we talked.

I think I needed the quiet and space as much as my kid did.

I waited and resisted the urge to fill up the silence.

After some chatting, this came out: “Sometimes I just want to know why you’re so hard on me? Some days everything is hard- school, life, friends, and home.”

It wasn’t an easy thing to hear.

But I couldn’t deny it or make light of the question. Because my child was absolutely right. I am hard on my kids. I expect a lot. I require more than some parents. I am many things to my kids–I love them fiercely, forgive them readily, believe in them wholeheartedly, but I also expect a lot of them.

I could make things easier. I could see all the homework my kids bring home and not ask for their help with dinner. I could give them more money instead of making them work for most of what I give them. I could rush to their side every time they forget something and fix their problems so they don’t struggle. I could sit in an hour carline everyday because they don’t like riding the bus. I could make their life a lot easier.

But if my goal was to make their life easy, I wouldn’t be the mom I’m called to be. It’s my job to prepare my kids for life and the future. And if I turn everything they think is hard into an easier road, I haven’t done either.

I don’t know what life or the future will bring my kids, but I can almost guarantee it won’t always be easy.

There will probably be heartache and struggle and pain mixed with joy, achievement and uncertainty. And even more likely? I won’t be able to protect them from any of it.

Last week, I read this disturbing article about why millennials are getting fired. One of the main reasons is that young adults want their bosses to be their parents. And I think that probably stems from parents who were afraid to be their children’s bosses. The other culprits were blamed on a lack of hard work and a desire to be happy all the time.

And then another article took the Internet by storm from a pediatrician who said, “A parent’s job is to teach children right from wrong, teach them the meaning of life and keep their children safe. In doing that job, you’re going to do a lot of things a child won’t approve of and not understand,” he said. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.”

He goes on to say “parents should focus on helping children develop skills such as self-control, humility and conscientiousness, meaning they think of people other than themselves. Those things are the biggest predictors of future success in adulthood, he said, not education or affluence.”

I gave my child sitting across from me a compassionate look because in my heart I want her life to be easy, but in my gut easiest isn’t always best. If I make everything in my children’s childhood easy, what will happen when life gets hard?

Because life will get hard. And some seasons will be harder than they can imagine.

And if I’ve prepared them to dig in their heels when things don’t go their way and develop grit to withstand life’s storm and ultimately helped them to turn to God instead of me, I’ve fulfilled my calling as their mother.

And that’s why I won’t give my kids an easy life.

Why I Won’t Give My Kids An Easy Life Jan 25, 2016
Show notes

I skipped church last Sunday with one of my kids.

Because sometimes it’s more sacred to sacrifice what you should do for what you need to do.

So, we did something important: we stayed in our pajamas and divided up the secret chocolate stash and we talked.

I think I needed the quiet and space as much as my kid did.

I waited and resisted the urge to fill up the silence.

After some chatting, this came out: “Sometimes I just want to know why you’re so hard on me? Some days everything is hard- school, life, friends, and home.”

It wasn’t an easy thing to hear.

But I couldn’t deny it or make light of the question. Because my child was absolutely right. I am hard on my kids. I expect a lot. I require more than some parents. I am many things to my kids–I love them fiercely, forgive them readily, believe in them wholeheartedly, but I also expect a lot of them.

I could make things easier. I could see all the homework my kids bring home and not ask for their help with dinner. I could give them more money instead of making them work for most of what I give them. I could rush to their side every time they forget something and fix their problems so they don’t struggle. I could sit in an hour carline everyday because they don’t like riding the bus. I could make their life a lot easier.

But if my goal was to make their life easy, I wouldn’t be the mom I’m called to be. It’s my job to prepare my kids for life and the future. And if I turn everything they think is hard into an easier road, I haven’t done either.

I don’t know what life or the future will bring my kids, but I can almost guarantee it won’t always be easy.

There will probably be heartache and struggle and pain mixed with joy, achievement and uncertainty. And even more likely? I won’t be able to protect them from any of it.

Last week, I read this disturbing article about why millennials are getting fired. One of the main reasons is that young adults want their bosses to be their parents. And I think that probably stems from parents who were afraid to be their children’s bosses. The other culprits were blamed on a lack of hard work and a desire to be happy all the time.

And then another article took the Internet by storm from a pediatrician who said, “A parent’s job is to teach children right from wrong, teach them the meaning of life and keep their children safe. In doing that job, you’re going to do a lot of things a child won’t approve of and not understand,” he said. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.”

He goes on to say “parents should focus on helping children develop skills such as self-control, humility and conscientiousness, meaning they think of people other than themselves. Those things are the biggest predictors of future success in adulthood, he said, not education or affluence.”

I gave my child sitting across from me a compassionate look because in my heart I want her life to be easy, but in my gut easiest isn’t always best. If I make everything in my children’s childhood easy, what will happen when life gets hard?

Because life will get hard. And some seasons will be harder than they can imagine.

And if I’ve prepared them to dig in their heels when things don’t go their way and develop grit to withstand life’s storm and ultimately helped them to turn to God instead of me, I’ve fulfilled my calling as their mother.

And that’s why I won’t give my kids an easy life.

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World Dec 31, 2015
Show notes

Every spring we go to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. It’s not only a big deal around these parts; it’s the biggest indoor rodeo in the United States. A couple of years ago, we decided it was high time our three growing kids got their first pair of cowboy boots. You might call it a rite of passage for children in Texas. We budgeted for the rodeo even more than usual, planning to purchase boots there because we knew there would be plenty to choose from as well as special deals that would save us money.

On the hour trip downtown, one of my kids complained about the seat arrangements in the van, the heat, and the very air siblings dared to breathe. I corrected said child, and I was half tempted to squash the dream of boots, leaving this one scuffling along in tennis shoes, but after a quick apology was received, grace won out.

We headed straight to the Justin Boots booth and helped all three of our kids try on and choose boots that (1) they loved and (2) we could afford—which was a feat in and of itself because my kids can be picky and boots are expensive. But we accomplished our goal in under an hour and spent the rest of the day in new boots—looking at animals, watching roping events, and eating large amounts of food that probably shouldn’t be fried. (I’m looking at you, bacon and Oreos.)

On the way home, the same child’s bad attitude surfaced again, this time about not getting to do something at the rodeo. It wasn’t just whining, the result of a tiring day; it was ingratitude and entitlement. Complaints and warnings fired in rapid succession between the backseat and the front. The day had been a splurge from the beginning, but it wasn’t appreciated. But mostly, it wasn’t enough. Even after grace put a nice pair of boots on the kid’s feet.

Halfway home, in the middle of the tense ride with an unrepentant boot wearer in the backseat, my husband said, “That’s it. When we get home, I want you to pack your boots back in the box. I’ll see if we can’t return them.”

This nearly broke my Texas heart, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

It saddened me to hear the tears, the begging, the promises. Then the question, “Why can’t you show me grace?”

“Buying you the boots in the first place was grace,” I said.

Once we were home, we put the boxed boots on a high shelf and said, “If you want the boots, you’ll have to work for them.” He pointed to the huge mulched areas in the front and back yards. “You have three days to pull every weed. I won’t remind you; it’s up to you. This job will pay for your boots. This time you’re going to earn them.”

And that was that.

The rodeo happens in early March, usually before we have a chance to clean up winter’s effect on our yard. My gaze followed my husband’s pointing finger to the weedy mulch beds, and my heart sank. It was going to be a lot of work. Lo, the weeds were many.

My husband is kind and loving and a lot nicer than I am most days. But I could tell by the firmness in his voice and the tilt of his chin that he was serious. This was serious. The mounting ingratitude that had been an issue for weeks had to be addressed. I wanted to high-five him and sob at the same time.

I wondered what our child would choose.

My heart soared a little while later when I heard the front door click. I looked out the window and saw my kid wearing old clothes, bent down in the wet mulch. It had started to rain.

For the next two days, I watched from that window. A little proud, a little brokenhearted, but with every pulled weed, I knew the hard work was making for a softer heart.

When we handed back the boots after hearing a meaningful apology, I knew we had all won. “You earned these,” he said. “I won’t take them away again.”

The boots meant twice as much.

It will go down as the infamous boot story. It was the day we generously bought our kids cowboy boots. It was the same day we took them away. It definitely wasn’t the first day my kids acted unthankful—and there have been many times since. But it was a day we called out entitlement in our home and waged war against it. It was the day we reestablished the fact that we wanted to raise grateful kids more than anything else.

Here are some things we are doing to try and live counter-culturally:

We Are Asking for Hard Work– I think many kids in our culture (my own included) don’t know much about hard work. A few weeks ago, we spent most of the day in the yard. And the more my kids complained, the more I realized how much we had neglected giving them hard, dirty work. We are changing that. (Phil 2:14-15)

We Are Sticking to Consequences-If we suggest a consequence, we commit to seeing it through as often as we can. I’ve come up with some stupid consequences in my day and have regretted my rash tongue. But something clicks in our kid when they understand we are serious about some things.

We Are Limiting Media-Media specifically targets our children to want a lot of stuff they don’t need. We have a TV and computers and devices, but besides filtering them, we turn them off. My kids still complain about it, which reinforces exactly why it’s important.

We Are Exposing Them to the World– When you’re only looking and thinking about yourself, you can only see what you want. But when you remove the blinders and see needs around you and in the world, it alters your perspective. Exposing our kids to other cultures and how most of the world really lives, stirs up gratitude like nothing else.

We Are Extending Grace and Leading by Example-Living by a bunch of strict rules and do’s and don’ts isn’t the answer. Being flexible with your own rules is not only necessary, it’s healthy for your family. When I compare and complain, I’m leading by example. When I am thankful and gracious, they are watching. It’s important to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness when we hurt our kids.

We Are Raising them to Be Different– I Peter 2:11 Our society has low expectations of kids. We expect toddlers to get what they want and teens to be rebellious. Instead of helping our kids fit in every area of their lives, we are encouraging them to go against the flow, reminding them we’re supposed to be different than the world.

We Are Relying on God- Parenting is a hard job. And honestly, there are so many days, we don’t know what to do. Our kids belong to God. He loves them more than we do. He wants to guide us down the hard roads.

Raising Grateful Kids — Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World Dec 31, 2015
Show notes

Every spring we go to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. It’s not only a big deal around these parts; it’s the biggest indoor rodeo in the United States. A couple of years ago, we decided it was high time our three growing kids got their first pair of cowboy boots. You might call it a rite of passage for children in Texas. We budgeted for the rodeo even more than usual, planning to purchase boots there because we knew there would be plenty to choose from as well as special deals that would save us money.

On the hour trip downtown, one of my kids complained about the seat arrangements in the van, the heat, and the very air siblings dared to breathe. I corrected said child, and I was half tempted to squash the dream of boots, leaving this one scuffling along in tennis shoes, but after a quick apology was received, grace won out.

We headed straight to the Justin Boots booth and helped all three of our kids try on and choose boots that (1) they loved and (2) we could afford—which was a feat in and of itself because my kids can be picky and boots are expensive. But we accomplished our goal in under an hour and spent the rest of the day in new boots—looking at animals, watching roping events, and eating large amounts of food that probably shouldn’t be fried. (I’m looking at you, bacon and Oreos.)

On the way home, the same child’s bad attitude surfaced again, this time about not getting to do something at the rodeo. It wasn’t just whining, the result of a tiring day; it was ingratitude and entitlement. Complaints and warnings fired in rapid succession between the backseat and the front. The day had been a splurge from the beginning, but it wasn’t appreciated. But mostly, it wasn’t enough. Even after grace put a nice pair of boots on the kid’s feet.

Halfway home, in the middle of the tense ride with an unrepentant boot wearer in the backseat, my husband said, “That’s it. When we get home, I want you to pack your boots back in the box. I’ll see if we can’t return them.”

This nearly broke my Texas heart, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

It saddened me to hear the tears, the begging, the promises. Then the question, “Why can’t you show me grace?”

“Buying you the boots in the first place was grace,” I said.

Once we were home, we put the boxed boots on a high shelf and said, “If you want the boots, you’ll have to work for them.” He pointed to the huge mulched areas in the front and back yards. “You have three days to pull every weed. I won’t remind you; it’s up to you. This job will pay for your boots. This time you’re going to earn them.”

And that was that.

The rodeo happens in early March, usually before we have a chance to clean up winter’s effect on our yard. My gaze followed my husband’s pointing finger to the weedy mulch beds, and my heart sank. It was going to be a lot of work. Lo, the weeds were many.

My husband is kind and loving and a lot nicer than I am most days. But I could tell by the firmness in his voice and the tilt of his chin that he was serious. This was serious. The mounting ingratitude that had been an issue for weeks had to be addressed. I wanted to high-five him and sob at the same time.

I wondered what our child would choose.

My heart soared a little while later when I heard the front door click. I looked out the window and saw my kid wearing old clothes, bent down in the wet mulch. It had started to rain.

For the next two days, I watched from that window. A little proud, a little brokenhearted, but with every pulled weed, I knew the hard work was making for a softer heart.

When we handed back the boots after hearing a meaningful apology, I knew we had all won. “You earned these,” he said. “I won’t take them away again.”

The boots meant twice as much.

It will go down as the infamous boot story. It was the day we generously bought our kids cowboy boots. It was the same day we took them away. It definitely wasn’t the first day my kids acted unthankful—and there have been many times since. But it was a day we called out entitlement in our home and waged war against it. It was the day we reestablished the fact that we wanted to raise grateful kids more than anything else.

Here are some things we are doing to try and live counter-culturally:

We Are Asking for Hard Work– I think many kids in our culture (my own included) don’t know much about hard work. A few weeks ago, we spent most of the day in the yard. And the more my kids complained, the more I realized how much we had neglected giving them hard, dirty work. We are changing that. (Phil 2:14-15)

We Are Sticking to Consequences-If we suggest a consequence, we commit to seeing it through as often as we can. I’ve come up with some stupid consequences in my day and have regretted my rash tongue. But something clicks in our kid when they understand we are serious about some things.

We Are Limiting Media-Media specifically targets our children to want a lot of stuff they don’t need. We have a TV and computers and devices, but besides filtering them, we turn them off. My kids still complain about it, which reinforces exactly why it’s important.

We Are Exposing Them to the World– When you’re only looking and thinking about yourself, you can only see what you want. But when you remove the blinders and see needs around you and in the world, it alters your perspective. Exposing our kids to other cultures and how most of the world really lives, stirs up gratitude like nothing else.

We Are Extending Grace and Leading by Example-Living by a bunch of strict rules and do’s and don’ts isn’t the answer. Being flexible with your own rules is not only necessary, it’s healthy for your family. When I compare and complain, I’m leading by example. When I am thankful and gracious, they are watching. It’s important to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness when we hurt our kids.

We Are Raising them to Be Different– I Peter 2:11 Our society has low expectations of kids. We expect toddlers to get what they want and teens to be rebellious. Instead of helping our kids fit in every area of their lives, we are encouraging them to go against the flow, reminding them we’re supposed to be different than the world.

We Are Relying on God- Parenting is a hard job. And honestly, there are so many days, we don’t know what to do. Our kids belong to God. He loves them more than we do. He wants to guide us down the hard roads.

10 Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Christmas Nov 30, 2015
Show notes

I already feel it–the pressure.

Just a peek on social media and I feel like I’m chasing the holidays and I’m falling behind and it’s not even December 1. Maybe you feel it, too?

It’s not just all the busyness and festivities of the pending season, it’s the understanding that it’s up to parents to make Christmas perfect for our kids.

We are supposed to make it magical. The best Christmas ever.

I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing perfect about my life. It’s messy. There are unexpected bills and difficult decisions and challenging relationships, crockpot dinners and there is a lot of hard work. Christmas is for the broken, the needy, the hopeless. It’s for people like me and you. And the message we give our children about this holy season isn’t found under a tree, it’s discovered on it.

It’s easy to hear what our culture is telling us our kids need–but let’s talk about what they don’t need wrapped up this holiday season:

10 Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Holiday Season:

1. A Free Pass | It’s okay to expect our kids to contribute this Christmas–to help cook and clean, bake and wrap and to work extra jobs around the house or the neighborhood to help buy gifts for family members and friends. If they aren’t old enough to rake leaves or babysit, create a job jar with suggested ideas. They will feel good about what they give if we don’t give them a free pass.

2. An Elaborate Advent |.If you haven’t thought twice about Advent activities with your kids, you’re in good company. It’s overwhelming getting dinner on the table, much less planning 24 kid-friendly moments that are worthy of preparing little hearts for the coming of Jesus. Talk about pressure. My Advent Rule: Try something. Anything. Read one Scripture. Light one candle. Pray one prayer. Direct one heart to Him.

3. A Pin-worthy Holiday Season | I try not to even look at Pinterest this time of year. Oh, I love it, but sometimes, all the perfection makes me feel pretty pathetic. Our kids don’t need perfect cookies, they just need us to bake with them. They don’t need us to make their holidays look like someone else’s, they just need us.

4. Everything They Ask For | A couple of years ago, a friend told me she just didn’t know how she was going to get everything on her child’s Christmas wish list. When I said, “You don’t have to,” she looked shocked and little relieved. Kids will usually take everything we give them. But that doesn’t mean we should give them everything they want.

5. Our Guilt | There’s a lot of guilt (and depression) this time of year. Our kids have been fed the lie they can have and deserve everything they ask for and when we can’t or won’t give it, we might feel guilty. There’s no room for guilt this time of year. Giving your best and doing your best has very little to do with things.

6. Stuff They Don’t Need | Fun stocking stuffers never hurt anyone, but filling our home with the latest fads and trends only sets a precedence for more fads and trends. Years ago, we missed the beauty of Christmas Eve trying to hunt down that hard-to-find toy that ended up going unappreciated. It only ends when we let it

7. Stuff We Can’t Afford | 1 in 3 people will go into debt this Christmas. Paying off presents that have been long discarded months after the holidays isn’t fun for anyone. Let’s give our kids more than this.

8. For Christmas to Be All About Them | There’s nothing like Christmas with kids–their wonder and joy. But we can’t make it all about them. Some of our favorite memories involve giving Christmas away– sneaking gifts on a single mom’s porch, shopping for children who won’t have much, giving gifts that cost us something….these are the best moments.

9. A Glossed Over Christmas Story | The frenzy of December–the tree and lights and gifts, the parties and food and celebration overshadow the true Christmas story..the one that started in a smelly stable, with an exhausted girl and a dirty birth. One that would change the world and our our lives. This humble, imperfect place is the heart of Christmas and it’s a story our kids need to hear.

10. Christmas Wrapped Up in a Tidy Bow | Let’s embrace the imperfections of the season this year–the unfulfilled wish lists, the unwanted gifts, the unhappy moments. These are the opportunities to point our kids to the truth of the season and to the One who will make all things perfect.

10 Things Our Kids Don't Need This Christmas — 10 Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Christmas Nov 30, 2015
Show notes

I already feel it–the pressure.

Just a peek on social media and I feel like I’m chasing the holidays and I’m falling behind and it’s not even December 1. Maybe you feel it, too?

It’s not just all the busyness and festivities of the pending season, it’s the understanding that it’s up to parents to make Christmas perfect for our kids.

We are supposed to make it magical. The best Christmas ever.

I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing perfect about my life. It’s messy. There are unexpected bills and difficult decisions and challenging relationships, crockpot dinners and there is a lot of hard work. Christmas is for the broken, the needy, the hopeless. It’s for people like me and you. And the message we give our children about this holy season isn’t found under a tree, it’s discovered on it.

It’s easy to hear what our culture is telling us our kids need–but let’s talk about what they don’t need wrapped up this holiday season:

10 Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Holiday Season:

1. A Free Pass | It’s okay to expect our kids to contribute this Christmas–to help cook and clean, bake and wrap and to work extra jobs around the house or the neighborhood to help buy gifts for family members and friends. If they aren’t old enough to rake leaves or babysit, create a job jar with suggested ideas. They will feel good about what they give if we don’t give them a free pass.

2. An Elaborate Advent |.If you haven’t thought twice about Advent activities with your kids, you’re in good company. It’s overwhelming getting dinner on the table, much less planning 24 kid-friendly moments that are worthy of preparing little hearts for the coming of Jesus. Talk about pressure. My Advent Rule: Try something. Anything. Read one Scripture. Light one candle. Pray one prayer. Direct one heart to Him.

3. A Pin-worthy Holiday Season | I try not to even look at Pinterest this time of year. Oh, I love it, but sometimes, all the perfection makes me feel pretty pathetic. Our kids don’t need perfect cookies, they just need us to bake with them. They don’t need us to make their holidays look like someone else’s, they just need us.

4. Everything They Ask For | A couple of years ago, a friend told me she just didn’t know how she was going to get everything on her child’s Christmas wish list. When I said, “You don’t have to,” she looked shocked and little relieved. Kids will usually take everything we give them. But that doesn’t mean we should give them everything they want.

5. Our Guilt | There’s a lot of guilt (and depression) this time of year. Our kids have been fed the lie they can have and deserve everything they ask for and when we can’t or won’t give it, we might feel guilty. There’s no room for guilt this time of year. Giving your best and doing your best has very little to do with things.

6. Stuff They Don’t Need | Fun stocking stuffers never hurt anyone, but filling our home with the latest fads and trends only sets a precedence for more fads and trends. Years ago, we missed the beauty of Christmas Eve trying to hunt down that hard-to-find toy that ended up going unappreciated. It only ends when we let it

7. Stuff We Can’t Afford | 1 in 3 people will go into debt this Christmas. Paying off presents that have been long discarded months after the holidays isn’t fun for anyone. Let’s give our kids more than this.

8. For Christmas to Be All About Them | There’s nothing like Christmas with kids–their wonder and joy. But we can’t make it all about them. Some of our favorite memories involve giving Christmas away– sneaking gifts on a single mom’s porch, shopping for children who won’t have much, giving gifts that cost us something….these are the best moments.

9. A Glossed Over Christmas Story | The frenzy of December–the tree and lights and gifts, the parties and food and celebration overshadow the true Christmas story..the one that started in a smelly stable, with an exhausted girl and a dirty birth. One that would change the world and our our lives. This humble, imperfect place is the heart of Christmas and it’s a story our kids need to hear.

10. Christmas Wrapped Up in a Tidy Bow | Let’s embrace the imperfections of the season this year–the unfulfilled wish lists, the unwanted gifts, the unhappy moments. These are the opportunities to point our kids to the truth of the season and to the One who will make all things perfect.

Three Things I Need to Say To the Wives Who’s Husbands Are Struggling With Porn Nov 09, 2015
Show notes

I know.

Click away as fast as you can, right? Nobody wants to read this kind of post.

Heck, I don’t want to write it.

But for years, I’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls, private FB messages from hurting wives. These are our sisters, our friends, women we sit across from at Bible study: Women who need to talk, who need to know they aren’t alone.

And sometimes, we find out those women are us.

There are new emails, fresh wounds, brokenhearted sisters in my inbox, on my phone every single week. I sat down face-to-face with two just last week.

And with the Internet in our back pocket and available all the time, everywhere, it shouldn’t be surprising. Then I read that the latest research tells us that pornography is a problem in more than 40% of Christian homes and I realize this addiction and entrapment is affecting nearly half of everyone I know. Half of the church. Many of my friends.

So, yeah, I don’t want to talk about it anymore than you do, but we can’t pretend it doesn’t affect us or someone we know.

The first thing I tell women in email and in person is I’m not a counselor. I can’t solve your problems, fix your marriage, or offer you life changing advice. But I can listen. I can nod my head, grab your hand, and I can pray. I also want them to know they aren’t alone. Not only have countless other wives walked this hard road, God is right in the middle of our pain.

But there are three more things I want wives who find themselves in this difficult place to know:

Freedom is between he and God | My world fell apart ten years ago when my husband confessed his struggle with pornography. I was completely unaware of his private battle and when he laid his burden at my feet, he was relieved, but the weight of his confession nearly crushed me. And as if that wasn’t enough, I immediately blamed myself. If only I’d…, Maybe I could have…With some very good counseling, I begin to understand that my husband’s battle had very little to do with me. It was between he and God. I also discovered that we couldn’t repair or rebuild our marriage unless his relationship with God was more important than his one with me. Pray for your husband’s brokenness. Pray that he wants freedom from sin more than he wants anything else. Because you can build an amazing marriage on that foundation.

Forgiveness is between you and God | I encouraged and supported my husband, but I had my own private hell to endure. My heart was broken. I lived in the middle of forgiving my husband and hating him. Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for us. It’s an intentional and voluntary release of fear and hate and heartbreak. It’s a letting go. And no matter what happens in our marriages, forgiveness is between us and God.

Fight for both as long as you can | I was my husband’s biggest cheerleader for freedom. He was mine for forgiveness. There weren’t any guarantees we would make our way back to each other. We were both on our own broken roads. Some men don’t find freedom. Some women don’t stay. Sometimes it’s the other way around. But whether you flee or follow, forgiveness is something you can’t leave behind.

108 — Three Things I Need to Say To the Wives Who’s Husbands Are Struggling With Porn Nov 09, 2015
Show notes

I know.

Click away as fast as you can, right? Nobody wants to read this kind of post.

Heck, I don’t want to write it.

But for years, I’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls, private FB messages from hurting wives. These are our sisters, our friends, women we sit across from at Bible study: Women who need to talk, who need to know they aren’t alone.

And sometimes, we find out those women are us.

There are new emails, fresh wounds, brokenhearted sisters in my inbox, on my phone every single week. I sat down face-to-face with two just last week.

And with the Internet in our back pocket and available all the time, everywhere, it shouldn’t be surprising. Then I read that the latest research tells us that pornography is a problem in more than 40% of Christian homes and I realize this addiction and entrapment is affecting nearly half of everyone I know. Half of the church. Many of my friends.

So, yeah, I don’t want to talk about it anymore than you do, but we can’t pretend it doesn’t affect us or someone we know.

The first thing I tell women in email and in person is I’m not a counselor. I can’t solve your problems, fix your marriage, or offer you life changing advice. But I can listen. I can nod my head, grab your hand, and I can pray. I also want them to know they aren’t alone. Not only have countless other wives walked this hard road, God is right in the middle of our pain.

But there are three more things I want wives who find themselves in this difficult place to know:

Freedom is between he and God | My world fell apart ten years ago when my husband confessed his struggle with pornography. I was completely unaware of his private battle and when he laid his burden at my feet, he was relieved, but the weight of his confession nearly crushed me. And as if that wasn’t enough, I immediately blamed myself. If only I’d…, Maybe I could have…With some very good counseling, I begin to understand that my husband’s battle had very little to do with me. It was between he and God. I also discovered that we couldn’t repair or rebuild our marriage unless his relationship with God was more important than his one with me. Pray for your husband’s brokenness. Pray that he wants freedom from sin more than he wants anything else. Because you can build an amazing marriage on that foundation.

Forgiveness is between you and God | I encouraged and supported my husband, but I had my own private hell to endure. My heart was broken. I lived in the middle of forgiving my husband and hating him. Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for us. It’s an intentional and voluntary release of fear and hate and heartbreak. It’s a letting go. And no matter what happens in our marriages, forgiveness is between us and God.

Fight for both as long as you can | I was my husband’s biggest cheerleader for freedom. He was mine for forgiveness. There weren’t any guarantees we would make our way back to each other. We were both on our own broken roads. Some men don’t find freedom. Some women don’t stay. Sometimes it’s the other way around. But whether you flee or follow, forgiveness is something you can’t leave behind.

Parenting is Hard. Especially When You’re Doing It Right. Sep 28, 2015
Show notes

This is so hard.

I shut our bedroom door and my husband pulled me close. I tried not to cry.

We had just had a parenting night from hell.

Can I say that here?

Because if you’re a parent, you might just know what I’m talking about.

There was yelling and tears. Hard conversations, hurt feelings, consequences and the symphony of slammed doors.

In less than half an hour and three conversations, we had made three kids angry and unhappy because we are just that good.

Parenting is not for wimps.

If it isn’t hard, maybe we aren’t doing it right? my husband said quietly in my ear.

I let his words sink in. Because too often I believe the lie that says if we were doing this parenting thing right, we wouldn’t fight or disagree or battle over opinions and attitudes. We wouldn’t hurt each other. We would be normal. We would do this better.

And to be honest, parenting would be a lot easier if we didn’t care so much. If we didn’t try so hard. If we didn’t love so fiercely. It would be so much easier not to try and raise grateful kids who put others first, who honor our rules, who strive for purity and holiness, who openly share struggles and failures, who do not give up and choose to follow Christ.

Parenting kids upstream in a downstream world is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

We try to juggle grace and expectations and some nights all the balls come tumbling down.

But just because the road gets bumpy doesn’t mean we are off course. Actually, the right road is bumpy. The correct path does have obstacles and setbacks. The parenting journey is broken and beautiful at the same time.

We both sat on the end of the bed licking our wounds like we’d just waged war. And in a lot of ways we had.

Good parents fight for (and sometimes) with their kids.

Good parents make mistakes and apologize.

Good parents go-against-the-flow even when it would be so much easier to not say what needs to be said or enforce or follow through with what needs to be done.

Good parents cry. And doubt. And wonder. And pray.

Good parents offer grace when it’s least expected and needed the most.

Good parents remind themselves that this too shall pass.

Good parents look hard trials in the face and know they are doing something right.

Good parents recognize even good kids have bad days.

So, don’t give up, Mom. Don’t stop trying, Dad.

Yes, parenting is hard.

Especially when we’re doing it right.

Parenting is Hard. Especially When You’re Doing It Right. Sep 28, 2015
Show notes

This is so hard.

I shut our bedroom door and my husband pulled me close. I tried not to cry.

We had just had a parenting night from hell.

Can I say that here?

Because if you’re a parent, you might just know what I’m talking about.

There was yelling and tears. Hard conversations, hurt feelings, consequences and the symphony of slammed doors.

In less than half an hour and three conversations, we had made three kids angry and unhappy because we are just that good.

Parenting is not for wimps.

If it isn’t hard, maybe we aren’t doing it right? my husband said quietly in my ear.

I let his words sink in. Because too often I believe the lie that says if we were doing this parenting thing right, we wouldn’t fight or disagree or battle over opinions and attitudes. We wouldn’t hurt each other. We would be normal. We would do this better.

And to be honest, parenting would be a lot easier if we didn’t care so much. If we didn’t try so hard. If we didn’t love so fiercely. It would be so much easier not to try and raise grateful kids who put others first, who honor our rules, who strive for purity and holiness, who openly share struggles and failures, who do not give up and choose to follow Christ.

Parenting kids upstream in a downstream world is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

We try to juggle grace and expectations and some nights all the balls come tumbling down.

But just because the road gets bumpy doesn’t mean we are off course. Actually, the right road is bumpy. The correct path does have obstacles and setbacks. The parenting journey is broken and beautiful at the same time.

We both sat on the end of the bed licking our wounds like we’d just waged war. And in a lot of ways we had.

Good parents fight for (and sometimes) with their kids.

Good parents make mistakes and apologize.

Good parents go-against-the-flow even when it would be so much easier to not say what needs to be said or enforce or follow through with what needs to be done.

Good parents cry. And doubt. And wonder. And pray.

Good parents offer grace when it’s least expected and needed the most.

Good parents remind themselves that this too shall pass.

Good parents look hard trials in the face and know they are doing something right.

Good parents recognize even good kids have bad days.

So, don’t give up, Mom. Don’t stop trying, Dad.

Yes, parenting is hard.

Especially when we’re doing it right.

18 Things That Are Hard to Explain to Third-World Friends Sep 23, 2015
Show notes

There’s nothing more fun than experiencing something new with someone for the first time -like catching your first fish, eating your first American burger, or driving by your first cul-de-sac mansion.

Seeing your life and culture through the eyes of someone else is eye opening.

It’s wild how it changes the way you see your life and gives you a completely new perspective.

It’s the kind of perspective that makes you pause and really take a look at what you need and what you want and what you have and the difference between all three.

It’s the kind of perspective that reminds you to compare your life to those with less instead of those with more.

It’s the kind of perspective that interrupts your life.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found that some things are harder to explain than others:

Halloween (scary decor, decorated yards and costumed adults in public)- What can I say? I don’t even really understand this.

Free drink refills- “How many times can I refill my cup?” “What happens if I refill it 17 times?” “Are you sure this is free?” A conversation we’ve had every time we’ve gone out.

Savings accounts and disposable income-It’s hard to imagine having enough extra money to put it away when there’s always someone you know who doesn’t have enough to eat for the day.

Storage units- “You mean Americans have so much stuff they have to rent another building besides their house to keep it in?”

More emergency vet clinics than emergency rooms for people. (I will throw in explaining Petsmart just for kicks)

Mega churches with mega buildings, campuses, stores (you get the point).

Garage Sales-So, people sell what they don’t want or need any more and then they buy more?

Complaining about terrible, horrible no-good days (in which no one dies)

Costumes for pets (See #1)

Hobbies-Lesiure time and extracurricular activities for kids (that you pay for)

30 minute meals-It takes hours to sort, soak and boil beans and when you finish cleaning up one meal you start on another.

Bikes for the whole family (or scooters or cars).

Freedom to own or use a gun.

Nursing homes-Paying others to care for your family is something many cultures don’t do.

$5 cups of coffee

Racism.

Dishwashers-Well, first you wash the dishes, before you wash the dishes…

The baby equipment aisle at Target.

Learning how others live might just show us how we live, too.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA — 18 Things That Are Hard to Explain to Third-World Friends Sep 23, 2015
Show notes

There’s nothing more fun than experiencing something new with someone for the first time -like catching your first fish, eating your first American burger, or driving by your first cul-de-sac mansion.

Seeing your life and culture through the eyes of someone else is eye opening.

It’s wild how it changes the way you see your life and gives you a completely new perspective.

It’s the kind of perspective that makes you pause and really take a look at what you need and what you want and what you have and the difference between all three.

It’s the kind of perspective that reminds you to compare your life to those with less instead of those with more.

It’s the kind of perspective that interrupts your life.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found that some things are harder to explain than others:

Halloween (scary decor, decorated yards and costumed adults in public)- What can I say? I don’t even really understand this.

Free drink refills- “How many times can I refill my cup?” “What happens if I refill it 17 times?” “Are you sure this is free?” A conversation we’ve had every time we’ve gone out.

Savings accounts and disposable income-It’s hard to imagine having enough extra money to put it away when there’s always someone you know who doesn’t have enough to eat for the day.

Storage units- “You mean Americans have so much stuff they have to rent another building besides their house to keep it in?”

More emergency vet clinics than emergency rooms for people. (I will throw in explaining Petsmart just for kicks)

Mega churches with mega buildings, campuses, stores (you get the point).

Garage Sales-So, people sell what they don’t want or need any more and then they buy more?

Complaining about terrible, horrible no-good days (in which no one dies)

Costumes for pets (See #1)

Hobbies-Lesiure time and extracurricular activities for kids (that you pay for)

30 minute meals-It takes hours to sort, soak and boil beans and when you finish cleaning up one meal you start on another.

Bikes for the whole family (or scooters or cars).

Freedom to own or use a gun.

Nursing homes-Paying others to care for your family is something many cultures don’t do.

$5 cups of coffee

Racism.

Dishwashers-Well, first you wash the dishes, before you wash the dishes…

The baby equipment aisle at Target.

Learning how others live might just show us how we live, too.

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