Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Latest Episodes:

Eps 56: Beth Caldwell on Raising Kids While Living with Cancer Aug 23, 2016

Show notes

Welcome to an inspiring episode with my friend, Beth Caldwell. Beth is a mom of two, a former civil rights lawyer, and a blogger who lives in Seattle. In 2014, at age 37, Beth found a lump during a breast self-exam, which turned out to be metastatic cancer already in her bones. You’ll appreciate Beth’s genuine honesty about our topic today: as parents of young children, how do we deal with illness, trauma, death, and loss? What do we tell them? How much is TOO MUCH for them to handle? You don’t want to miss this conversation, so join us!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Beth’s cancer journey from finding the lump until now
The feedback from Beth’s frank and open blog: 99% positive
Currently, her cancer is in her brain, right arm, and liver
New breakthroughs with new drugs
The worst part of chemo? Fatigue
How to talk to kids with age appropriate language about cancer
Don’t hide the truth: share what’s important for them to know
Her son’s recent speech about advocacy for better research
How to be open and create a safe space for their questions
Be mindful: don’t live in fear and trauma
Why Beth insists on “planning ahead”
How cancer affects your spouse

What does “joyful courage” mean to Beth? “Courage is not an absence of fear; it’s being afraid and doing it anyway.”

Resources:

www.cultofperfectmotherhood.com

"The Cat is Out of the Bag" Beth's son finds out she will die of her cancer

www.metup.org

The Cancer that Wouldn’t Go Away by Hadassa Field

I Still Just Want to Pee Alone (series by Jen Mann and others, including Beth!)

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Eps 55: Jo Langford Talks Porn, Sexting and Social Media Aug 09, 2016

Show notes

Jo Langford is a therapist and sex educator from Seattle, WA. Our conversation today will cover porn, social media ediquette, and sexting (yikes!). In a culture that is becoming ever more sexualized, how do we keep our kids safe and smart about what is out there? Joe and I have a very candid conversation about conversations to have with our children, while still maintaining relationship and family values.

Highlights:

Jo has two kids, a middle schooler and an almost middle schooler. He is living his work!
He’s been changing the world and making it better since high school.
Joe trains parents, teachers and staff of organizations such as the YMCA and the Boys and Girls Club.
Harder for kids to NOT see porn, than it is to be ABLE to see it.
Families are getting in touch with Joe because their 10-16 year old is looking at a lot of porn parents talk about it and child continues to engage in it.
What conversations you can have with your kids when they are noticing all of the opportunities to see/look at porn.
When you see porn you can never “un-see” it.
Instead of “how do I keep my child from being exposed to porn?” today, we need to be asking, “how do I handle it when my child sees porn?” – this is the reality based on statistic
Open conversations are key… Keep them talking, by practicing your neutral face and manage your own stuff when they come to you to have tough conversations. The message becomes “I can handle what you bring me, no matter what.”
What happens in the brain? Kicks up the pleasure centers, big hit of dopamine… If they continue to watch, the brain gets desensitized and wants to get to the next level.
Talk to kids about building boundaries around tech. Encourage them to have real relationships, how to unplug, how to manage friends/people who sext. Rules/guidelines around where the phone/screen lives at night… Don’t wait until you NEED the guidelines – put them into place now.
“Monitoring” software that Joe recommends – builds muscles of restraint and self control when kids have some access while also knowing that parents will see where they go – “we are trying to raise good grown ups”
Qustidio – controlled through wifi – put the browser on kids devices. Controls, time limits, helpful.
Disney’s Circle – easy to use, hooks up to wifi, all devices get put into categories (grown ups, teens, kids) and put time limits on use, also over 3G. AWESOME!
Best strategy is to put most of the ownership and responsibility on the kids.
“Not about me trusting you, it’s about you showing that you are trustworthy.”
Making agreements together is key to our kids follow through.
The internet is forever! You leave a trail….
Grown ups are the models of what is appropriate/inappropriate – be good role models!
Roll out the SM access, rather than giving kids full access from the beginning. Let them flex and develop their muscles.
Get on the apps they want to use with them, let them teach you, normalize communicating with each other through this media.
How do we help our kids deal with sexting? Statistically 20% - 30% of teens send pics, doubles when it is only “words” Girls sometimes start the behavior because they know the boys will respond. Joe advises the boys to respond with “this isn’t something you need to do… here are three things I like about you besides your boobs” – our girls are getting the wrong message about how to connect/get attention.
Kids have less hangups about sex and seem to be more comfortable with their bodies, but there is an abyss they can tumble into – we want them to be more discerning and thoughtful about who they share that with.
Developing a discerning mind… All about practice.

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Eps 54: Deborah Reber from TILT Parenting Talks About Supporting Differently Wired Kids Aug 02, 2016

Show notes

Welcome! My guest today is Debbie Reber, the founder of TiLT Parenting, an online destination and podcast. The website was the result of parenting a “differently-wired” child with neurological differences. She found it hard to find information and support for the challenges that parents face when ADHD, autism, and dyslexia are the diagnoses. Her family moved from Seattle to Amsterdam three years ago, where she homeschools Asher today. Debbie’s desire was to create a community and a podcast to give parental support and to help kids feel accepted, understood, and heard. Let’s learn more together!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Preschool experiences: disruptive behavior and meltdowns
Year-by- year education plan
Assumptions that others make about ADHD & ODD
Challenges of living in Amsterdam
The Tilt Parenting Manifesto, based on true acceptance
Atypical kids are everywhere—at least 20% of the population
Why we don’t need the Shroud of Secrecy
Ten Tilts to Shift the Game
Amazing response from other parents
The Vision? Shifting the whole parenting paradigm
When options are limited for “normal” activities, like camp
When normal strategies don’t work
The benchmark mentality—usually by age 6
Using resources
Become fluent in your child’s language
The problem-solving approach, and tweaking and tweaking and tweaking
Joy in the growth of the child
Self-care for parents is important!
Asher joins in on the podcast for special episodes!

What does “joyful courage” mean to you?

“Having peace and joy is something I want parents to have in their experience. It takes a lot of courage to show up and be vulnerable in your relationship with your child and to lean into it. Embrace what is and notice the little things that bring peace and happiness.”

Resources:

www.tiltparenting.com Connect on Debbie’s Facebook group also! The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey

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Eps 53: Rebecca Michi Breaks Down Sleep Jul 26, 2016

Show notes

My guest today is Rebecca Michi, a children’s sleep consultant and mother of two daughters. In her work with families over the years, Rebecca found that sleep issues were a common problem. This realization led her to specialize on the subject and offer coaching help to many parents. I’m thrilled to get her insights into this issue—and( let’s be truthful),haven’t we all had some pull-our-hair-out moments? Whether you’re a brand new parent or the parent of teens, Rebecca has great tips to share. Join us!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Temperaments and sleep patterns are unique to each person.
Rebecca’s average client is 8 months old!
Most children need help falling asleep and STAYING asleep.
Her philosophy? Support parents in their parenting style
Unique family dynamics
Sleep: Why it’s a very basic need
Sleeping “through the night” is usually defined as 5 consecutive hours AFTER midnight.
“Good sleeper” or “bad sleeper”
At bedtime, focus on relaxation and physically slowing down.
Other bedtime routines can be singing songs, reading books, and quiet play.
Negotiables and non-negotiables about bedtime
Giving children SOME choices gives them healthy empowerment.
Teens’ sleep patterns change (but they STILL need 8-9 hours!)
Limit evening electronics and bright lights (use incandescent bulbs)
Rebecca shares the guidelines for number of sleep hours needed, from ages 0-3 months to 13 years.
It’s normal to wake 2-6 times each night.
The goal for your child? The ability to get themselves back to sleep when waking
Don’t make sleep or the bedroom a means of punishment!
What does Joyful Courage mean to you? “It means going forward on your parenting journey, even when it’s unknown, and trying to enjoy it! Look at it in a positive way.”

For more information visit our website here.

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JULY BONUS EPS: Krista Petty Raimer joins me to talk about adolescent girls and GLAM CAMP 2016 Jul 22, 2016

Show notes

I am THRILLED to have my friend, mentor and CO-CONSPIRATOR on the show today to talk about being women, mamas, and our middle school girl's workshop, GLAM CAMP 2016! Krista Petty Raimer is the founder of Boldly Embody Life and a beacon of lite and transformation to all who have the pleasure of crossing paths with her.

Take a little time to listen in and hear what we are up to and consider what it means to be a caretaker of the daughter you have... :)

Check out GLAM CAMP here!!

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Eps 52: Sarah MacLaughlin and I talk Race, Privilege and Parenting for a Better World Jul 19, 2016

Show notes

Welcome! My guest today is Sarah MacLaughlin, a compassion coach, child behavior decoder, parent educator, author, speaker, and warrior for kindness. Sounds like a busy woman, doesn’t she? There is more! She is also the mother of an eight-year-old and is a licensed social worker in Maine. Sarah was a guest for Episode 30, when she discussed Setting Limits. I’m so excited to have her back to help us make sense out of some of the troubling current events in our country. How do we raise our kids to treat ALL people with dignity and respect in the midst of a predominantly white culture? How are we raising our kids to make a better world? Join us for this important and timely conversation.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

The responsibility of parents today
Stop talking and LISTEN!
Making it all make sense to kids
Implicit bias: What is it?
Being rich vs. being wealthy
Why we fear discomfort
Our hierarchal society (it exists)
Finding opportunities for diversity
What’s NORMAL?
The anti-bias classroom
Why we can’t ignore US history
Why being “colorblind” is NOT the answer
Kids—they are ALWAYS watching!
How to confront others and express your discomfort
Is your home “whitewashed”?

Resources:

www.sarahmaclaughlin.com

Use Sarah’s name to find her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram.

Love First: Parenting to Reduce Racism, Sexism, Homophobia and Other Forms of Hate, by Sarah MacLaughlin

Laying the Groundwork for Acceptance and Inclusion, by Sarah MacLaughlin

Talking to my White Child About Race, by Sarah MacLaughlin

40 Ways to Raise a Nonracist Child, by Barbara Mathias

EDITORIAL: What I Said When My White Friend Asked For My black Opinion on White Privilege, by Lori Lakin Hutcherson

Thoughts From A Middle Class White Mama, by Casey O'Roarty

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh

Another Round podcast

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Eps 51: Tracy Cutchlow Discusses Fostering the Growth Mindset Early Jul 12, 2016

Show notes

Welcome! My guest for today’s show is Tracy Cutchlow, the author of Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science (and What I’ve Learned So Far). The book fulfills Tracy’s passion to help new parents with information and support as they embark on the parenthood journey. Tracy also writes a blog and articles for the Washington Post and Huffington Post. Tracy and her husband, Luke, live in Seattle, where they enjoy life with their four-year- old daughter, Geneva. Unbelievably, Tracy wrote her book during the first 18 months of Geneva’s life! We’ll talk about the tools and wisdom in her book and the topic of helping our youngest children develop a growth mindset. Join us!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

The unusual format in her book that makes it helpful for busy, new parents
Development challenges of very young children
“How many times do I have to tell you?”
Why children follow their desires (even when they don’t follow OUR desires)
Our expectations vs. normal development
Why parenting education should be included in well-child visits to the pediatrician Behaviors: Why they meet the child’s innate needs of experience, power, and connection
Why children seek connection, but will settle for attention
Look at their behavior through the lens of their needs.
Growth mindset: What is it?
Acknowledgement vs. praise: What’s the difference?
How empathy fits naturally into the growth mindset
What it takes is small tweaks in our language
Why our kids NEED to make mistakes
The power of teaching kids about their brains

What does Joyful Courage mean to you? “It means taking action, but having a lightness and a playfulness—looking for the good instead of the bad.”

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Ask Casey Eps 4: Making Sense of Sibling Rivalry Jul 07, 2016

Show notes

Excited to dig into sibling rivalry today on the Ask Casey episode!!

A listener wrote in:

My kids - particularly my 8 and 9 yo - feel like they have to compete with each other all the time. Every time one does something/gets something different from the other, they tend to mention to the other almost like a taunt. I think on one hand they want their sibling to be happy for them (like mom or dad would be), and on the other hand, I think they want to show how much more special they are. Even if it is innocent, the other kid will still take it as a put down as if it's expected and react with shock, become grudgingly upset, and whining. It is so annoying and constant. It even goes so far as every question I ask has to be directed at one individual bc they will get upset over who answers first. They will even just smile in a nonverbal taunting sort of way to get the other one upset. This happens anytime of day from when they first get up to evening. It happens at home, in the car, in the store. They don't usually do it if there are other kids their age or a little older around - I think bc they get embarrassed. I've seen them snap out of it instantly. It seems to happen less at bedtime maybe because of routine and parent led family time? When it happens my physical response is to get tense in my face and jaw, my breath gets short, and then I feel tension in my shoulders. Emotionally, I start to feel exasperated. Yes, this is all probably normal on some level and we are working deliberately to include special/individual child led time with each kid. Bugs and wishes has helped bc they feel like others hear them and respect them more. Just looking for the next step to take it to the next level. We don't want to foster competition in our family we value working together and supporting one another. I want them to be able to be happy for their sibling without feeling less. I feel like just writing this out is helping form some ideas to try, but I would love to hear yours as I'm sure mine are not the only kids who tend to do this. (I was fiercely and painfully competitive with my sister growing up). Resources for parenting siblings: Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish Peaceful Parent, Happy Sibling by Dr. Laura Markham Eps 37: Dr. Laura Markham on holding space for siblings to get along::::::::::

Listeners!!! Chime in!! What are your tips/thoughts/experiences around sibling rivalry??

Join the conversation on the live and love with joyful courage page

If you have questions for an Ask Casey episode, fill out the form and send it my way!!

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THANK YOU!!

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Eps 50: Kate Orsen, Hand In Hand Parenting Expert Talks about Listening for Cooperation Jul 05, 2016

Show notes

Kate Orson is on the podcast today, and I absolutely love where our conversation went!!

Kate's bio from her website:

KAte is a Hand in Hand parenting instructor, and author of Tears Heal: How To Listen To Children. Originally from the UK she now live in Basel, Switzerland, with her husband, author Toni Davidson, and our four year old daughter Ruby.

Kate has written articles for a number of different parenting magazines including The Green Parent, Juno and Smallish.

Kate offer parenting workshops, consultations, both online via skype or in person.

I reached out to Kate to talk about getting children's cooperation around chores. In talking to her, and learning more about the Hand In Hand parenting approach, our conversation lead us down the road to understanding how intentional listening and presence with children can invite the very cooperation we are looking for.

Kate wrote an article titled 25 Tips for Having Fun While Cleaning Up

Here is the Montessori list of age appropriate chores ((super helpful!))

Things to remember when we are hoping for cooperation:

set limits
lightness
play
show faith and trust your child's ability
listen
practice special time

More about "stay listening"

::::::::::

Where to find Kate:

website i facebook i twitter

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EPS 49: Talking Point from the Stanford Sexual Assault Case and the Orlando Shooting With Amy Lang and Jen O'Ryan Jun 28, 2016

Show notes

Welcome! Today’s episode features TWO guests, Amy Lang and Dr. Jen O’Ryan. Amy is a sexuality educator who helps parents have conversations with kids about healthy sexuality; she previously joined us for Episodes 8 and 33. Jen holds a PhD in human behavior and specifically works with children and adolescents in gender minorities, especially LGBTQ kids. She joined us for Episode 35. These conversations were prompted by the important talking points which emerged from two recent news stories: the Stanford rape case and the Orlando nightclub shooting. Join us for these important conversations!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

From Amy:

The Stanford case boils down to consent: How do we help our kids be smarter than that?
Bad decisions and entitlement: a dangerous mix
Teach kids about consent: Use the words permission, asking and giving, and agreement.
When everyone is “out of their heads,” there is NO CONSENT!
Yes means YES. No means NO. Stop means STOP!
With young kids, respect their right to say no to unwanted hugs/kisses; as adults, ASK for a hug/kiss.
How to use transition phrases to awkward moments
“Tricky people”
Be explicit with kids about family rules.
Plant seeds about sexuality conversations.
Teach them NOT to expect entitlement.
Amy’s book about dating, to help kids figure out their dating values (See Resources below)
Why we need to model conflict resolution for our kids
“Yes” girls and red flags in dating—Are you ready for sex?
Be open, available, and neutral for your kids.

From Jen:

With news of any tragedy, it’s better to give kids small pieces of information that they can process rather than overwhelm them with ALL the details.
How to “check in” with your LGBTQ kids
Jen’s experience in London this week with a drag queen show paying tribute to the Orlando victims
Adults have communities and support systems in place, but most kids don’t.
The human element of these victims: brother, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, etc.
Social change is a product of humanization.
The verbage to use? LGBTQ, queer, etc.
Remember that kids process information at different speeds than adults.
Have conversations with kids about safety, dangers, reassurance, and empowerment.
The best response is always unity and solidarity.
With 5-7 year olds: listen and watch how they play, and make space for them to express feelings.
With older kids: create safe spaces for them to talk, and check for signs of depression or social withdrawal.
It’s OK to talk about it!