Intimate Interactions

Latest Episodes:

Depression and Self Relationship (Dax) May 23, 2020

Show notes

Person on the internet: “Wow you’re so mature for your age.”

Other person on the internet: “Thanks, it’s the lifetime of depression and self-isolation.”

Intimate Interactions is about relationships and intimacy. I can’t think of a more important relationship than the one to yourself. Some educators talk about self relationship from the perspective of being your own partner first and foremost, before you partner with anyone else. I like that view.

Speaking as a person who has lived with depression and anxiety his entire life, I have to ask: are you in an abusive relationship with yourself?

It’s worth reflecting on your internal conversations. If you have an abusive internal voice, who does that abusive voice remind you of?

As a person who has been through years of counselling and has unlearned very harmful beliefs about competence, intelligence, elitism, etcetera, I have to ask: What mistaken beliefs did they teach you if any?

Could you come to new conclusions about those things and start to cultivate the self awareness to monitor what you’re saying to yourself, to catch yourself, to confront yourself and change your own mind about those things?

Depression to me is often the consequence of a mind divided against itself, and that’s not a long term ideal situation. It’s often unsustainable long term.

Today my guest is Dax, a person with a degree in Psychology who is a long time depression sufferer.

Fact check and research time. tl:dr, everything we say in the podcast is correct but we lacked the confidence to say so definitively and I’ve done the research and shared the links in the show description to confirm what I found.

To restate: a psychotropic drug is one that affects the mind or mental process. A psychedelic drug is one inducing hallucinations like LCD or as I correctly guessed, psilocybin - the compound in magic mushrooms. Thus psilocybin is a psychotropic drug that is psychedelic.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psilocybin

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoactive_drug

Ketamine is a tranquilizer and it is used by veterinarians on horses as well as other animals. An eponym is a thing something else is named after. For example, a dog in India is named Victor after me. I am his eponym. He is my namesake.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/eponym

https://intimatevictor.com/resources (scroll to the bottom for mental health resources including Vancouver specific ones)

https://www.cocothelouder.com/coco-resources

https://themighty.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/xScreen-Shot-2018-01-25-at-12.59.39-PM.png.pagespeed.ic.2WisoEi_s7.webp

https://themighty.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/xScreen-Shot-2018-01-25-at-12.57.45-PM.png.pagespeed.ic.sdJIdv_bx-.webp

Long Distance Lovers and Jealousy (Jazz Goldman) May 16, 2020

Show notes

Have you ever heard of non monogamous people having “comet” partners? Today we’ll discuss what that means and how it’s different from long distance relationships.

Jazz Goldman and I talk about what a comet partner relationship might look like between the two of us. We talk about sustainability, and make a distinction between being community-oriented non monogamous folks, and being individual-oriented non monogamous folks.

One way to think of community-oriented non monogamy is how focused we are on our greater collection of lovers and our lovers’ lovers - that is to say on our polycules. One way to think of individual-oriented non-monogamy is more like solo polyamorous folks, though not all solo polyamorous folks are individual-oriented. I mean to say if we take a radically personally autonomous stance - that we are each responsible only for ourselves, we would be embodying more of an individual-oriented philosophy rather than a community-minded one.

Sustainability of relationships and thinking about how they fit in the context of one’s polycule is an important assessment for me, even if I do have strong needs for autonomy and independence. I think the information is good to have for everyone, even if they are quite individual-oriented in how they practice their consensual non monogamy.

And now, the conversation with Jazz Goldman about Long Distance Lovers on Intimate Interactions.

Friendships among Men (Maita) May 09, 2020

Show notes

Maita is a men’s coach living in Victoria who teaches healthy relationships between men. We talk about emotional labour, exercises you can do with your friends or at home, strategies with intimate partners, socially acceptable ways men share intimacy with other men, and about the challenge of restoring intimacy between men if they’ve received gender messages that have poisoned their relationships or have been “toxic” in some way to them.

We hope you enjoy the session. It might be somewhat binary at times but is designed for people who identify as men, and I think gender non conforming and non binary folks who present as masculine or men in any amount could still get some use out of the content. Content warning: when talking about depression and men, suicide may come up. Please resource yourself appropriately.

Would you offer a definition of toxic masculinity?
How do you convince men to buy out of toxic masculinity?
What would you want to see more men buy into? (themselves, relationship skills)
Could you define emotional labour?
Could you talk about your witnessing exercise?
How can men get stronger at emotional labour of self improvement without relying on women or their intimate partners?
How does non-monogamy impact a man’s search for intimacy?
What are the socially acceptable ways men share intimacy with other men?
How do we restore intimacy with other men?
What are some of the realms where men can have intimacy with other men?
How does homophobia play into men sharing friendship and intimacy with other men?
Restore stress regulation.
Restore relationships within ourselves.
Restore relationships amongst men.
Restore relationships with people who aren’t men.

Resources

The Pyramid of Regulate-Relate-Reason from Dr. Bruce D. Perry (https://twitter.com/bdperry/status/931235578976329728)

The Window of Tolerance Image from Dr. Marie S. Dezelic (reposted on my site because her links appear broken). Read her article.

What Are We? (Jazz Goldman) May 02, 2020

Show notes

Relationships can be thought of as strategies for meeting our human needs with each other. They can also be thought of as the sum of our interactions. That might sound complicated - and it is! That’s why it’s much easier to think of them in cookie-cutter, pre-set ways. We are given scripts and categories. This is what “friends with benefits” looks like. This is what “getting serious” looks like. The problem with categories is often their inability to manage the spaces between them, the liminal spaces.

Accordingly, we have a concept called the relationship elevator that shuttles us between our preset categories, but always in one direction. Have you ever tried to call off an engagement to go back to solidifying a relationship before marriage? I certainly have. Spoilers: it ends the relationship.

Jazz Goldman and I discuss today what our relationship is, the sum of our interactions. We talk about our boundaries, our expectations, and our intentions. Enjoy!

Left Brain vs Right Brain

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321037.php

Liminality and Sex Education Concepts for Children (Tillie King) Apr 25, 2020

Show notes

Welcome to the second session of the Tillie-Victor Friendship Project - or TVFP. We’re recording outdoor sessions documenting our friendship as it progresses. This is a continuation of our first session and as such it was accidentally recorded on our H1N Zoom recorder as a low quality MP3, but we solemnly swear to be up to higher fidelity good in future sessions.

Today we chat about Liminality, possibly our favourite topic; we mention the c̓əsnaʔəm Musqueam city before Vancouver; we discuss mental health, bipolar disorder, and suicidality. I share a breakthrough I had on valuing myself; and of course: content warning: we talk about indigenous rights, rapid cycling bipolar disorder, depression and suicidality. That sounds about right for our second session of getting to know each other as friends, right?

The village of musqueam folks living here before settlers like ourselves called it Vancouver was called c̓əsnaʔəm. Here are notes on the pronunciation: The first letter /c̓/ sounds very much like "ts" in the word nuts. Note also the apostrophe which causes /c̓/ to have a slight popping sound. The /ə/ is similar to the "u" sound in "but." The /ʔ/ is a consonant with no sound, like the space in "uh-oh." (Source). There’s even a film about it (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1RnkCdDKLQ).

Intersex, Intergender Intellectual (Jazz Goldman) Apr 18, 2020

Show notes

It’s my pleasure to talk more with Jazz Goldman today, an intersex human, friend of mine, ocassional sex partner of mine, and professional cuddler for cuddlist. Suffice it to say they have a really informed and interesting perspective on intimacy, sex, and gender. Jazz is also a mixed race person like me, except instead of being British and Indian, they are a Black Jew. I mention that because I think all four of those identities are complex, but in many ways the most complex identity is that of being mixed race, and on that front, I think the two of us find a lot of common ground.

Since this episode is about intersex folks, I want to make a quick point. If sizes and shapes of genitals are already understood to vary widely, perhaps on several bell curves, why is it such a stretch to think of the shape varying not only among genitals in two binary categories but between those categories as well, perhaps like an inverted bell curve where most people occupy a space towards one of two categories but various people are spread out between the archetypes of peniscrotum and vulvovaginal?

This isn’t even getting into things like androgen insensitivity syndrome, gonads that don’t quote unquote match visible genitals, klinefelters syndrome, turner syndrome, or any of the other various situations that intersex folks might be in. I’ll post a video by some intersex people on what it’s like to be intersex (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAUDKEI4QKI). But now, let’s go to the episode, recorded on my back in a dark room while I was uber sick with a headache during a bout of IBS.

1. Apologies for being super sick; describe room.

2. How would you define intersex?

3. How is that different from and similar to trans-ness?

4. What's your social experience having a body that can be perceived outside of male/female binary?

5. How does presenting as non-binary impact the way others see you professionally?

6. How does intersexuality impact your relationships?

7. Do you experience any intersections culturally between being intersex and being Black and or Jewish?

8. Any closing remarks?

Robots, Capitalism, and STIs (Tillie King) Apr 11, 2020

Show notes

Today I begin an experimental piece called the Tillie Friendship Project. Inspired by Audio Smut and The Heart podcasts, I got an H1N Zoom mic, the newer version of what Kaitlin Prest started with when recording Audio Smut. Seriously, if you’ve never heard it, go listen to it - it’s still ground breaking even if she and I disagree on the possibility of non monogamy as a functional relationship style.

While we don’t intend to come close to the alternative excellence of Prest’s early work, we did want to see what it looks like when two people try to document their experiences of friendship such that they can refer to them in the future.

Unfortunately the H1N Zoom sounded great on the live monitor but was saving the audio as the lowest quality MP3 which was notably less good. Hashtag learning experiences.

Today we talk about artificial intelligence, robots, capitalism, and sexually transmitted infections. That’s a fair first conversation as friends, right?

Are We Proud of Pride (Jazz Goldman) Apr 04, 2020

Show notes

Jazz Goldman and I just went to Pride. Jazz is a friend of mine, an ocassional sex partner of mine, a professional cuddler for cuddlist, all about the performing arts, and all about community building.

Jazz and I have in common being some flavor of gender non-confirming and also being mixed race humans. In Jazz’ case, they are a Black Jew, and in my case I’m a British Indian. Very, very different backgrounds, and yet the experience of being a quote “third culture” end quote child has its similarities. Jazz is most importantly a sexuality intellectual. We sometimes get lost on tangents as we both find each other so interesting even when we’re off topic.

Back on topic: did I say we two mixed race, queers of colour were just at Pride?

Well it turns out some queers, especially some queers of colour, have strong feelings about Pride sometimes and we want to present some thoughts that might currently be less common in the mainstream while remaining as polite and kind to current organizers as possible as they still fill an important role or niche - but we’ll say more about that in the podcast.

Jazz mentions the Pink Triangle (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_triangle).

Jazz mentions Ericka Hart who you can find here: http://www.ihartericka.com/bio/
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/youth-incarcerated-indigenous-half-1.4720019
https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2018001/article/54972-eng.htm
Jane Philpott in an Interview in 2017
https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2019001/article/00010/tbl/tbl10-eng.htm
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/youth-incarcerated-indigenous-half-1.4720019

Overcoming the Good Girl Within (Kat Stark) Mar 28, 2020

Show notes

Kat’s back for another session. This time, we talk about their experience of people pleasing and worthlessness. Kat describes the ideal of being a “wantless angel” that spends their time satisfying other people’s needs and wants. It may sound awful, but sometimes I think the body can be a traumatic place to be and focusing on someone else can sometimes be a relief, and a great way to get needs for validation met… and of course, sometimes a place of avoidance that many of us visit regularly or vacation in occasionally.

I bring up the idea of slowing down the process of reliving trauma or “titrating” it, allowing someone to control how much they process at once. We talk about mental health and therapy. Finally, we make it to giving or getting permission to ask for what you want.

Resources

https://askingforwhatyouwant.com
I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (Terrence Real from 1998)

What does it mean to be a ‘good girl’? [“Among those socialized as girls, however, there’s a often particular extra-strong need to be nice, to put others’ needs before your own, and to follow the unwritten expectation that you must be compliant and self-sacrificing to be of value.” - Marcia Baczynski]
What are your early experiences with being a ‘good girl’
Have you always been a people pleaser?
Where do you think your ideas about self-sacrifice came from?
How has people pleasing negatively affected your life?
Do you think people pleasing can have physical as well as psychological effects?
Do you see benefits to being a people pleaser?
How has people pleasing affected your relationships?
What steps have you taken to overcome the good girl conditioning?
How has shaking off the good girl conditioning (or at least trying to) benefitted your life?

The 5 Dollar Burger Boy (Kris Perry) Mar 21, 2020

Show notes

Kris Perry is back to talk about parents, trauma, fear of intimacy, and the boy from the Wendy’s parking lot. She came to the recording session directly from his house.

I mention my partners in this session. I talk about the importance of trying again and again when it comes to getting hurt in intimacy. My position is you can’t choose not to be hurt in life, but you can choose who gets to hurt you. I think if you make a good choice, you won’t regret it. Let’s go to the session.

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