Hand in Hand Parenting: The Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Getting Past a Child's Perfectionism: What Drives Children's Rigid Behaviors? Jul 10, 2018

Show notes

Have you noticed that sometimes your child just becomes rigid?

Say he is building a tower and decides the next block for the tower "has to be" the red block. The one after "has to be" blue?

Or, he wants the cars all lined up the "exact same way"

Or she cannot allow any cups on a table while she is coloring?

This week we're looking at the times a children's behavior becomes rigid and what's at the root of a child's "perfectionism."

We look at how these behaviors form. How the brain perceives and codes danger and how this plays out in a child needing to do things in a very.exact.way over and over again and how placating this can propel the behavior.

On this week's Hand in Hand podcast:

Sorting rigid behavior from particular behavior
Why we end up walking on eggshells when behavior gets rigid and how we can avoid this
We talk about two tools you can use to re-write those codes
Supporting the child through the feelings they have about a situation and letting them know if life turns outside differently.
Establishing a growth mindset and modeling resilience yourself around your child rather than teaching it
What messaging about mistakes are your passing down, and how can you get past your own perfectionism?

When a child decides that things have to be perfect, there are often big feelings lurking behind. Getting to the point where the code is revealed can also help it get rewritten. Listen in this week and get ways to help your child past the perfectionism.

Listen to Getting Past a Child's Perfectionism here

More resources for Getting Past a Child's Perfectionism

Here's the video from Carol Dweck on growth mindsets and building resilience.

This e-book on How Children's Emotions Work helps you understand your child's emotional life and shares practical solutions for support

keep connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

Don't forget to subscribe!

Wish Parenting was less stressful? Join Hand in Hand's Parent Club for support and community. Your own Parent Club with moderated forums, live call-ins and resources.

"Let's NOT talk about the kids": What Can You Do When Parenting Feels Lonely Jul 03, 2018

Show notes

How did you feel when you found the Hand in Hand Parenting approach? Most of us feel a sense of relief when we try one of the tools and have a positive outcome. We read the blog posts, listen to the podcast. Try a few more tools. We see changes.

That's exciting! Things feel pretty good.

You can't wait to tell the people you love most that you have found a breakthrough in your parenting.

Except, when you try, they don't want to know.

Your partner has no time for listening to a child cry. Your friends don't understand why you'd want to devote time to Special Time. Your parents have no idea why you want to understand what's behind your children's whining, when you could issue a timeout and send them to their room.

These are generalizations, of course, but very often we can feel removed when we are parenting differently.

And that's when parenting can feel pretty lonely.

On this week's episode, Abigail and Elle discuss those times and the practical tools you can use to overcome parenting loneliness:

How to make space for your feelings and take the heat off your relationships
Why accepting how we all come to parenting with our own stories can help us gain a better understanding of why others may be resistant
How you can use Hand in Hand's parenting tools in new ways to involve others (without them even knowing!)
Why noticing what is going well helps you come to relationships with a sense of warmth

When you use these tools, you can feel less lonely in your parenting.

Listen to "Let's NOT talk about the kids": When Parenting Feels Lonely now

More resources on what to do when parenting feels lonely:

Listen to this replay of a call-in with our instructors When Friends and Family Don’t Understand Your Parenting

Read Parenting from Different Pages

Get this download on 5 Revolutionary Ideas That Make Parenting Less Stressful

keep connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

You can listen to this episode and every episode on iTunes. Don't forget to subscribe!

Wish Parenting was less stressful? Join Hand in Hand's Parent Club for support and community. Your own Parent Club with moderated forums, live call-ins and resources.

Celebrate Your Microwins: Learning to Let Your Kids Win a Little When You Set Limits Jun 26, 2018

Show notes

The title of this podcast is Celebrate Your Microwins: Learning to Let Your Kids Win a Little When You Set Limits

But what's a microwin?

Although this sounds like a good piece of business advice, the art of the microwin is a nuance of Hand in Hand's Setting Limits tool, and can make the tool even richer when you set limits with your kids.

Taking Setting Limits to New Heights

Hand in Hand comes from the stance of being on your child's side when you set a limit, and you can read more about this listen, limit, listen approach to setting limits here.

Despite this, we parents often find ourselves becoming "limit agents" - we take the limit's side to ensure whatever we want to see gets done, get's done.

What's the problem with that?

Immediately, we're in conflict with our child, and that is not a climate that sets a child up to win. It's not a climate that lets them succeed at the limit.

Join us this week as Abigail reveals a new approach to limits that does set a child up to succeed in getting things done. Together.

Learn how to use the microwin, and let your kids win a little when you set limits.

Celebrating the Microwins:

Join us on Celebrate Your Microwins: Learning to Let Your Kids Win a Little When You Set Limits and find out:

How to shake up the usual perspective on setting limits
How to approach a limit with your child
How to reset a limit gently
Why a child flushes out feelings that helps them achieve the limit
How to listen as your child expresses those feelings
And how to handle negotiation calmly

Abigail shows how the art of the microwin works using a recent stand-off Elle found herself in with her child as a model and that proves very revealing.

And we discuss why limit setting can bring up big feelings for us as parents as well as for our children.

Listen to: Celebrate your Microwins now

If you've ever been stuck about setting limits that kids listen to, if you find it hard to keep calm when you set limits, or get confused when your child tries to negotiate a limit, this episode will help reveal a useful technique for helping to keep you and your kids close and connected while setting limits.

Come listen and learn how to set up and celebrate your microwins!

Yay! If you want to celebrate your microwins you can print this microwin certificate as a PDF

More About Setting Limits the Hand in Hand way:

Here is the self-guided online course on Setting Limits and Building Cooperation that Elle mentions.

You can check the full list of Hand in Hand online courses here

This post talks about the different limits you can set with children and when to use them

https://www.handinhandparenting.org/2017/03/types-of-limits-kids-need/

Keep Connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

You can listen to this episode and every episode on iTunes. Don't forget to subscribe!

Your online parenting village! Join Hand in Hand's Parent Club for support and community

Kids and the Art of Travelling With Them Jun 19, 2018

Show notes

Packing Schedules Meltdowns New foods, new people, new places, new things

Traveling with kids brings a whole suitcase full of the unexpected!

It's easy to forget how special traveling with kids can be, amid the chaos and confusion of going away, so much so it can feel easier to say "we'll just stay at home."

Yet it's these times away that can prove so special. They can really come to shape a family and bring parents and kids so much closer.

So how can parents prepare for traveling with their children?

Listen to: Kids and the Art of Traveling With Them

This week on the podcast Elle and Abigail talk about practical tools and strategies you can use with your kids before going away and while you are on the road.

From helping children express their big feelings about traveling to what to do about parent judgment, Abigail and Elle talk about the big causes of upset when families travel and how to handle them smoothly.

If you are venturing beyond the front doorstep even once this summer, we hope this podcast will be useful.

More Resources for Kids and The Art of Traveling With Them

This article explains why kids lose it when they are having a good time offers an insightful way to approach upsets on holidays Why Does My Kid Lose it When We Are Having the Best Time

And here's a great idea for Keeping Connections Strong on Vacation

keep connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

You can listen to this episode and every episode on iTunes. Don't forget to subscribe!

Handling Parenting Stress: Why You Can't Give What You Didn't Have Jun 12, 2018

Show notes

No matter how well we try and prepare for parenting, this role does lots to point out what feel like failings. We might not be able to comfort our kids as we imagined we would, we might find ourselves yelling, or stressed and in moments of complete overwhelm.

This happens to all of us from time to time. Even child therapists, teachers and nannies and child carers can find themselves lost in handling their parenting challenges with their own kids.

This week on the podcast Elle and Abigail talk about why.

Why You Don't Always Have the Right Map

And the answer is simple: You can't give what you didn't have.

When we butt up against something in our parenting it's most often because there are gaps from our own childhoods when it comes to that challenge.

If you weren't allowed to cry, how can you know how to listen well when your child cries. If your parents were permissive, how can you set effective limits? If your parents shouted at you, how do you learn how not to yell, even when you really want to?

Finding new ways to handle these challenges can feel incredibly hard when you have no past reference to get you there. No guide, no roadmap, no community, no support.

Why You Can't Give What You Just Didn't Have: Finding and Filling the Gaps

This week, Elle and Abigail tell stories about the gaps they found in their parenting and they show you how you can pinpoint what you didn't get in your childhood and how to change it.

Because if there's one thing we do know, once you parent the way want, intentionally, you imprint a whole new set of skills to your children to use in life and as parents.

If you have stressors in your parenting and aren't sure how to find new, workable ways to deal with them join us this week talking about why you can't give what you didn't have.

Find Your Parenting Village Online

It goes without saying that our website is chock-full of resources for learning new ways and leaning into them. Please use search to get tips on just about any parenting challenge.

Here is some great information on Listening Time and Partnerships:

Welcome to the Club!

And here is everything you need to know about finding your online village with the Hand in Hand Parent Club.

With private group moderated by instructors, weekly call-in live sessions and a lively community you can get the support you need every month to be the parent you want to be.

Opening June 19th, 2018.

Get your Special Introductory Price.

Keep Connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

You can listen to this episode and every episode on iTunes. Don't forget to subscribe!

Angels Away, Hellions at Home: Why Do Some Kids Save Their "Bad" Behavior for Home? Jun 05, 2018

Show notes

Has anyone ever told you what an angel your child was? A school teacher, a parent after a playdate?

And you thought? Huh??? An angel? Certainly not at home!

This week on the Podcast we are chatting about why our children can be hard to deal with at home even when he or she is seen as an angel outside.

Why the screaming, defiance and tantrums?
Why the backtalk, squabbling, and drama?
Why is all this anger and fire coming right at you?

Why, oh why, oh why?!

Why Kids Save Their Big Feelings and "Bad Behavior" for home?

Abigail and Elle talk about why kids save their big feelings and "bad behaviors" for home, and how hard it can be to see all these behaviors when no-one else does. Plus they reveal secrets to turning things around so that you can enjoy and appreciate your kids as much as the teachers and other grown-ups in their lives that praise them.

During the episode we chat about:

How to see the good in your child daily - even when the going gets tough
Embracing your kid's wilder side as part of their whole self
Finding ways to check your boundaries and as a parent to keep a balance on behaviors

Join Abigail and Elle for this week's podcast to find out why kids might be angels away even if they are hellions at home, with tools and advice to help find your peace when kids save their big feelings just for you!

More Resources on Kids That Lose it At Home

This week Elle mentioned this awesome Setting Limits and Building Cooperation online class. The awesome news is you can also get it free when you join Hand in Hand's new Parent Club.

Find Your Parenting Village Online! Join the Hand in Hand Parent Club. With private group moderated by instructors, weekly call-in live sessions and a lively community you can get the support you need to be the parent you want to be.

Opening June 19th, 2018.

Get your Special Introductory Price.

Keep Connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

How Much is Too Much? Tools to Help Children that Need Constant Attention May 29, 2018

Show notes

How much attention does your child need?

Have you ever heard the phrase "You can't pour from an empty cup?" When we spend time with our children, do Special Time, listen and care for them, we naturally fill their cups with warmth and love. When a child has a full cup of your warmth and attention, they are less clingy. They are connected and confident.

Attention-seeking kids have "Leaky Cups"

Except for a child with a "leaky cup". These are the children that, no matter how much time, how much love and how much attention you seem to pour in STILL NEED MORE. Their cups are always leaky!

They want more of your love. More of your attention. Or else you'll know about it!

They need everything to go their way. They become rigid and controlling when it doesn't. They will whine, they will cry, they will throw themselves down on the floor in tears. They may become aggressive.

Pretty soon, life can become a riddle of trying to divide time between all you need to do, and all they need to feel good.

Exhausting? Yes.

Everlasting? No!

Tools for a Child Who Needs Lots of Attention

There are things you can do to love these kids just the way they need it, to teach them how to fill their own cups, and for you to have enough energy for your other kids, family members, and even, yourself.

If you have ever wondered:

How much attention is too much attention?
How to help my child become more confident and resilient
How to balance out my time and emotions in parenting
or just screamed (silently or otherwise) "I can't give anymore!"

Join Abigail and Elle this week for some lively banter and good solutions for attention-seeking, leaky cup kids and their families.

More Tools for Attention-Needing Children (and stressed-out parents!)

Read more about kids and attention-seeking behaviors in When Your Kids Will Do Anything to Get Attention

You can find out more about the Listening Partnerships that Elle and Abigail mention here Building a Listening Partnership: Easing the Stress of Parenting

Keep Connected

We'd love to hear about the issues affecting you and your family. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message. If you are familiar with Hand in Hand Parenting and your children are 10 or under join our Hand in Hand Parents Support Group on Facebook for daily support

You can contact Abigail Wald about parenting courses and consultations at realtimeparenting.com

Rethinking Tickling: Why You Might Want To Rethink Tickling Kids May 22, 2018

Show notes

Tickling seems like a good, reliable route to laughter and fun, so why might we suggest rethinking it?

Today on the podcast the Elle and Abigail talk about Hand in Hand's approach to tickling and how they tackled it in their own families.

Elle remembers the good and the bad of tickling in her house when she was a child and Abigail recounts times her sons begged her to tickle them, and how they found good alternatives. They also discuss power play and boundaries in the #metoo era.

Why Do we need to Rethink Tickling?

Listen in for this lively and light-hearted chat around tickling. Find out how Hand in Hand Parenting views tickling, and get tools for when:

You want to laugh with your child without turning to tickles
Why your child might ask to be tickled and how you can respond
When tickling has been a connecting force between you and your kids but now you'd like to transition
Your child begs to be tickled and you aren't sure what else to do

More Tools and Resources Around Laughter and Tickling

Get more understanding about Hand in Hand 's approach to tickling from founder Patty Wipfler in Tickling Kids Can Do More Harm Than Good

And hear how one, real-life mom moved on A Mother Graduates from Tickling to Listening

Want to make the most of play with your child, get all you need to know about Hand in Hand's Playlistening tool and learn the art of taking the less powerful role to promote laughter with our Playlistening PDF

Get closer with your child and build their confidence through rough-housing and horseplay with this audio collection: The power of laughter: connecting through play collection. Download and listen right away.

keep connected

We'd love to hear about the issues affecting you and your family. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

You can contact Abigail Wald about parenting courses and consultations at realtimeparenting.com

Raising Boys and Girls Differently According to Brain Science May 15, 2018

Show notes

Today Elle and Abigail are talking to New York Times bestselling author, neuro-biologist and family counselor Michael Gurian. We're talking boys, girls and their differences, and raising boys and girls so each thrives.

All over the world boys in schools are failing and girls are succeeding, why?

Why Boys Need Special Attention

On the podcast today, Michael sheds some light.

Known as "the people's philosopher," he breaks down the fascinating differences in how boys and girls brains process information, and what boys need more of in class.

Michael addresses the commonly distorted gender paradigms that we as a society have come to believe about what boys and girls need and shares practical strategies to set girls up to do better in STEM subjects and boys to excel in reading, writing and speaking.

We also take a look at how Michael's work with The Gurian Institue dovetails into Hand in Hand Parenting through playlistening, roughhousing and Staylistening.

On today's episode:

The four elements of difference between males and females
How boys and girls process information differently and why schools need to teach according to these brain differences to help both sexes
Why schools need to move away from verbal-centered teaching towards styles that activate the brain's visual and spatial-kinesthetic centers
Mother's raising boys: What male emotional intelligence looks like

Join us for a fascinating talk into raising our boys and girls to thrive.

More Tools and Support for Raising Our Children According to Science

You can read more about Michael and his work at www.michaelgurian.com and The Gurian Institute.

The two books mentioned in this podcast are Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy and Resilient Boys and The Minds of Girls: A New Path for Raising Healthy, Resilient, and Successful Women

You might also like to read the science behind the Hand in Hand Tool of Staylistening and if you'd like to find out about all of our five tools you can read our book Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges or take the Hand in Hand Starter Class online or in-person with an instructor over 6 weeks.

keep connected

We'd love to hear about the issues affecting you and your family. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message

You can contact Abigail Wald about parenting courses and consultations at realtimeparenting.com

Why Telling Your Birth Story Can Help In Your Parenting May 08, 2018

Show notes

This week Elle and Abigail are telling their birth stories...

Now, why would they want to do that?

Birth can engulf us with emotions that linger way beyond the time our children are babies, but we rarely have an opportunity to talk about the feelings we had. And what we felt then, how it shaped up to our friends' experiences or our own expectations, can often linger and impact how we find parenting, and even how we relate to our children.

Why Telling Your Birth Story is Important for Your and The Relationship You have with Your Child

Talking about your birth story, from pregnancy, and right into the fourth trimester - can unlock real insights into the issues we find challenging as parents.

Listen in, as Elle and Abigail talk about their own experiences having babies, and how those early experiences impacted their parenting.

In this episode, find out:

How the birth of your children can trigger rushes of feelings later on in your parenting
Why telling your birth story can help you find new and creative ways to handle your big parenting challenges
Why should you tell the story of your child's birth, even if you have a teen now
How your birth experience can affect you today and the relationship you have with your child

More Resources for New Parents

Here is the self-guided course on Building A Listening Partnership. Learn how to set up and share listening partnerships that help you melt your parenting stress

Elle mention's our book Listen: Five Simple Tools To Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges.

Keep Connected

We'd love to hear about your parenting challenges. You can follow Hand in Hand on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. Be sure to drop Elle and Abigail a message