Grief Out Loud

Latest Episodes:

Ep. 21: Turning Points In Grief Sep 08, 2015

Show notes

Have you ever struggled with the idea of finding closure in grief? Given grief's ongoing and evolving nature, the search for final closure can be a misguided pursuit, one that leaves us disheartened and even ashamed. In this episode you'll hear from a variety of grieving young adults as they break open the idea of closure and identify significant turning points in their process. You'll learn about moments of clarity, confusion, new understandings, and what it's like when the sharp emotions rise up again. Thank you so much to everyone who contributed to this episode.

Ep. 20: Grief And Developmental Disabilities Aug 07, 2015

Show notes

When someone dies, it creates upheaval in the support system, leading to unfamiliar territory in terms of how to help those with different perceptions and expressions of grief such as language, repetitive gestures or patterning, emotional disconnect, and searching behaviors. Although the outward expression of someone's grief may be difficult to recognize, the need for their grief to be acknowledged and supported is universal. In this episode, Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children and adults with developmental disabilities in their grief

Suggestions for supporting children or adults with developmental disabilities in their grief:

Acknowledge the loss by being present and responsive to their verbal and behavioral cues.
Affirm that they are not alone, name the support people they have.
Maintain a consistent routine as much as possible. Give a lot of advanced notice for when their daily routine may change or be unusual.
Facilitate activities or rituals that will acknowledge the grief. This can help children and adults to develop coping strategies and find ways to remember the person who died.

Resources:

Finding Your Own Way to Grieve: A Creative Activity Workbook for Kids and Teens on the Autism Spectrum by Karla Helbert, 2012

Everyone Grieves: Stories about Individuals with Disabilities and Grief by Marc A. Markell, 2013

Helping People with Developmental Disabilities Mourn: Practical Rituals for Caregivers by Marc A. Markell, 2005

Lessons in Grief & Death: Supporting People with Developmental Disabilities in the Healing Process by Linda Van Dyke, 2003

Ep. 19: Advanced Serious Illness Jul 24, 2015

Show notes

How do we help children when a family member is dying? The diagnosis of a terminal illness brings uncertainty, fear, and heartbreak into their lives, leaving the adults who love them unsure of what to do or say. In this episode, Jana talks Tony Grace about how to best support children when a family member has an advanced serious illness.

Here are some suggestions for ways to talk with them about the illness and activities to help them process their reactions, fears, and concerns.

Children need space, time, and language to understand the changes that are taking place and that will take place in the future. If you have multiple kids of different ages, it is important to use words and phrases that are age appropriate for each of them. When communicating as a family, a good rule of thumb is to engage in conversation on a level so that the youngest child can understand, Have separate conversations with the older children and invite each child to have an individual conversation through the weeks and months ahead.
In those conversations mentioned above, share what is happening, why it is happening, and what is most likely to happen if that is known. Be specific with names and diagnosis, but give simple explanations. It is ok if you don't know the answers to their questions or even to your own questions. You can make a list of questions for the next doctor's visit or visit a local library. Librarians are a tremendous resource and they can help you and your child look for age-appropriate materials, videos, and references. Additionally, many hospitals now include a family resource center or a patient medical resource center. Ask your doctor or nurse if your facility has one.
Don't be afraid to mention the word death; it is not giving up on hope but a recognition that we are all mortal beings. If we are alive, our death will be inevitable at some point. Being able to talk about death, whether it be about our own, someone else's death, or the death of an animal, can actually provide a very deep and lasting connection between family members.
In mentioning hope, it is good to be reminded that hope can and will be redefined over and over and over again. Hope may go from wanting to live long enough to you see your children's children to hoping that your children will grow up to be an emotionally healthy and capable adult having being taught by your role modeling.
It is also helpful to be reminded that our stories don't end when we die, they continue in the lives of our loved ones...including our children. The illness and perhaps death of this family member will be part of that story, but it won't be the final chapter.The current story that is being created is being "authored" not just by the illness, but by you, your family, and the people in your life. There is an opportunity for the story to be written in a way that can be beneficial for each person involved. Families will need to determine what that specifically looks like but generally, it looks like each person feeling informed, connected, valued, and able to express themselves.
Many children and teens have vocalized the need to have a tangible connection to their sick family member throughout their lives. Some have asked for a memory box where they can put pictures, clothing, and other personal items. Others have wished for letters, videos, or tidbits of advice they can access as they get older. One family collected stories of the person who was ill so that their children can learn about who their father was from others. Another family had children videotape and interview the person who was ill, so in the future, they can be reminded of their interactions.
Children with a sick family member often exhibit a lot of energy and in need of a lot of attention…and paired with a home that typically needs quiet 24/7 and focuses on the person who is ill, can often leave children feeling isolated and their energy stifled. Help identify positive ways to daily release that energy...running, sports, martial arts, gardening, dancing, etc… Neighbors, friends, and extended family members can be a great resource to help keep children active when a primary caregiver's attention or energy is needed elsewhere.
No one likes to feel helpless, including children and teens. Many will want to be able to care for the person who is ill, including young children. Exploring ways that can demonstrate they care, can be really helpful it helping ensure that each person feels valued. Contributions can be as simple as the drawing of a picture to hang in the person's room, to getting water, reading a book, or massage lotion onto the person's skin.
For friends and family, it may be hard for families with a person who is ill to ask for help, but getting through all the challenges of a serious illness without any support is unlikely. The illness takes away many choices families have, so for those who want to help, offering to help with a menu of possible activities, rather than offering advice, or just doing something, is often advisable. Once something has been talked about, ask how the person would like it done. This also provides another opportunity for the family to have agency over their lives.

Ep. 18: Grieving The Death Of A Sibling - Tips For Supporting Children Jul 10, 2015

Show notes

Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children who experience the death of a brother or sister. The loss of a child shatters assumptions parents hold regarding their role as protector and their beliefs about the natural order of children outliving their parents. A child's death can cause tremendous upheaval in families as a parent's overwhelming grief pulls them away from their surviving children, often leaving siblings alone to deal with their own grief. Children and teen siblings grieve a unique relationship, one of friend and foe, a companion that will travel alongside in life's adventures. After a sibling death, children and teens may question their own importance, wondering, "Am I not enough?"

Suggestions for supporting a grieving sibling:

Grieve together as a family, allowing space for the individual expression of grief.
Celebrate together, choosing important days and rituals of remembrance.
Talk with each other about anything and everything.
Be together. It's easy for parents or kids to isolate from each other. Try to find things to do together.
Seek out support.

For additional suggestions, check out our Tip Sheet about siblings.

Ep. 17: Grieving A Suicide Death Jun 26, 2015

Show notes

Jana talks with Erin Shuster about the death of her brother from suicide. A former young adult group participant and volunteer, Erin talks openly about the unique aspects of grief when someone dies of suicide and how she learned to identify her needs and advocate for herself. For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/

Know a child who is grieving? The Dougy Center Workbook: After a Suicide Death: an Activity Book for Grieving Kids is designed for those ages 5-12. Other great resources for suicide grief support:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.afsp.org
Suicide Bereavement Support NW: www.sbsnw.org

Ep. 16: Grief And Father's Day Jun 12, 2015

Show notes

Jana and Joan Schweizer Hoff talk about navigating Father's Day while grieving. Joan, a long-time staff member at The Dougy Center, shares both personal and professional experiences in constructing new ways to approach the holiday. Whether you're grieving the loss of a father, or parenting a child who is, some of these suggestions may be helpful:

Know that for many, the lead up is the worst part.
If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them ahead of time about what they would like to do or not do.
Let children know that it's okay to still want to celebrate and it's okay to not want to celebrate. Don't force a child to pick another adult to honor, unless that's something they want to do.
If you are a grieving parent, consider whether and how you want to engage with the holiday - perhaps you recreate a tradition you shared with your child or do something new for yourself.
Come up with a plan - even if that plan is to do nothing. If you do want to do something, consider doing something that connects you with who the person was and what they meant to you.
Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post.
Identify others in your life who feel fatherly - and - it's okay if you don't feel this way towards anyone. Don't pressure yourself to put someone in that role if it feels inconsiderate, impossible, or dishonoring of your father.
Plan something for yourself - hike, brunch with friends, a trip out of town. …. decide what environment you want to be in, knowing that you are likely to run into dads and families.
Get together with others who are grieving.
Focus on a category - say food, movies, activities, color, or music - choose a few from one or all the categories that your dad or child loved. If you don't know, and many people don't, go with your best guess or pick the ones you love.
Volunteer - doing for others can often take us out of our own experience and create a sense of contribution, belonging, and connection.

Ep. 15: Language, Suicide, And Stigma (Part 2) May 29, 2015

Show notes

Jana and Donna Schuurman discuss terms to avoid, and what to say instead, when talking about suicide. Here is a link to download our Tip Sheet on how to support children and teens who have had someone die of suicide.

Terms not to use (and why):

1. "Committed Suicide"

Committed suicide,' with its implications of criminality, is a carryover from the Middle Ages, when civil authorities, finding the victim beyond their reach, punished the survivors by confiscating their property. Victims were forbidden traditional funerals and burials, and suicide was considered both illegal and sinful by the laws and religions of the time.

2. "Completed Suicide" or "Successful Suicide"

These terms make it seem like something to celebrate: He completed this! She was successful!

3. "Suicided"

We don't say someone "cancered" or "car accident-ed"...

4. Using "suicide" as a noun (as in "he was a suicide")

This reduces the person to the mode of their death.

Better terms:

1. Died by Suicide

The Compassionate Friends was the first to officially adopt the terms 'died by suicide' or 'died of suicide. '

2. Died of Suicide

Here's a general Rule of Thumb: If you can't substitute the word "Cancer," you may want to reconsider how you're using the word "suicide." He died of cancer: He died of suicide.

3. State how the person died (jumped off a bridge; took an overdose); of course, this is the personal preference of family members, something not all will choose to do)

4. "Suicide Death"

Advocated by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. (Some find it repetitive in that suicide IS by definition a death. (Whereas, for example "cancer" by definition does not always mean a death.)

Ep. 14: The Death Of Both Parents: Grieving As A Young Adult May 18, 2015

Show notes

Jana talks with Jenna, a participant in The Dougy Center's group for young adults, about the experience of losing her mom when she was a child and then her father, just before the start of her senior year at college.

For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/

Other great resources for young adults who are grieving:

Websites

www.modernloss.com

www.whatsyourgrief.com

Books

Wild, by Cheryl Strayed

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers

The Long Goodbye, by Meghan O'Rourke

Ep. 13: Grieving Through Mother's Day May 01, 2015

Show notes

Tips for grieving through Mother's Day

Whether you want to acknowledge the day or want to ignore it, know that the lead up, for many people, is the worst part. It can help to make a plan for the days leading up to Mother's Day.
If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them and their teacher ahead of time about possible activities at school. Work with the teacher and the child to come up with alternatives and options.
Let children know they can still celebrate Mother's Day - and that it's okay if they don't want to. Don't force children to pick another adult to honor, unless it's something they want to do.
Know that there will be an inundation of advertisements in many places. If needed, come up with some strategies to navigate shopping and social media.
Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post. Maybe choose a favorite picture and think ahead about what you want to write.
Identify other women in your life you would like to celebrate- and - it's okay if you don't want to. Don't pressure yourself to put someone in that role if it feels inconsiderate, impossible, or dishonoring of your mom.
Plan something for yourself - massage, hike, brunch with friends, etc. Decide what environment you want to be in, knowing that you are likely to run into moms and families.
Get together with or reach out to others who are grieving the loss of their mom.
Focus on a category - say food, movies, activities, color, or music - choose a few from one or all the categories that your mom loved. Plan part or all of the day to do something with those elements. Maybe it's eating a favorite meal while watching a loved movie and wearing their favorite color. This is a great one to include children.
Volunteer - doing for others can often take us out of our own experience and create a sense of contribution, belonging, and connection.

Ep. 12: Helping Children And Teens Cope With Fear After A Death Apr 17, 2015

Show notes

After a death, it's not unusual for children to have an increased sense of fear and anxiety. (It's not unusual in adults, either.) When bad or sad things happen, it's natural to be afraid more bad things will happen. The questions and concerns are normal: How will we live without the person who died? Who will take care of me? Will someone else die? Where do people go after they die? Will I die too?

There's PDF tip sheet included with the podcast. The tipsheet can also be found here: http://www.dougy.org/docs/TDC_Fears_Tip_Sheet_10_14.pdf

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected