Freedom from Attachment

Latest Episodes:

I Am Not Getting My Way! I Am Going To… May 17, 2019

Show notes

Do you want people to act a certain way, treat you a certain way or do things the way you want them done? Do you expect them to live up to your standards of what is acceptable, or who you think they should be? The problem with expectations is they lead to disappointment. So when someone inevitably lets you down, do you blame them or nag them until you get your way? Do you threaten to leave? What is your favorite flavor of ultimatum, and how far will you go to get your way? The root of these expectations and the need to have things your way is based in lack. If you were filled with love for yourself, it wouldn’t matter what other people did or didn’t do. The problem isn’t the person who doesn’t live up to your expectations—it’s your need for those expectations in the first place. If you are constantly irritated by what your partner eats and you nag him/her to make different choices, ask yourself why. What does it trigger inside of you and what meaning do you give it? Until you account for what drives you, you will continue creating expectations to compensate for your feeling of lack and live in a cycle of disappointment.

Surviving to Thriving: Alyssa Aubrey May 15, 2019

Show notes

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Alyssa Aubrey, Founder and Director of Medicine Horse Ranch, an experiential learning center that incorporates horses into human development. Growing up, Alyssa was the daughter of an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. At 8 years old she remembers a fight ensuing after the police brought home her drunk father. Unable to listen, she climbed out her bedroom window and ran as fast as she could, stopping short at a horse ranch where a Palomino greeted her at the fence. Alyssa felt something pull her to the horse so she hopped on. It carried her around all night leaving her with an overwhelming feeling that she was safe, she wasn’t alone and she would survive the storms of her life. Years later when Alyssa lost her boyfriend in a freak accident, she would draw from that strength. Today Alyssa incorporates horses into her leadership development programs where her curriculum has earned her the AIA Meritus Award. She is also co-chair for the Certified Board for Equine Interactive Professionals, president of the Novato Horsemen’s, Inc., and co-author of the bestselling book “The Road to Success” with Jack Canfield. Learn more about Alyssa and her Medicine Horse Ranch at www.horsedream.us.

Journey of Attachment: Making a Decision? Fear is Not the Place to Start May 14, 2019

Show notes

For many people, fear motivates their decision-making; particularly the fear of loss. They think choosing this way will somehow circumvent struggle, but it just entrenches them further. Coming from fear always costs more than coming from happiness, peace or love. So why do you do it? Emotional baggage creates a negative perspective from which you view your choices. You falsely believe making a decision from this fear-based state will somehow save you. It won’t. If you’re in a dysfunctional relationship and want to leave because you’re unhappy, fear may keep you stuck in it. Letting go of that relationship could mean your partner finds someone new while you remain alone. Or you fear your partner is the best you’ll have and no one will come close. You make your decision to stay based on the fearful stories you tell yourself, but this means more painful struggle, not less. You will continually find yourself faced with the same problems you’re trying to escape unless you sit with your feelings, connect with your inner truth and make choices from a peaceful place instead.

The Struggle is Real May 10, 2019

Show notes

We all have stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how life should be, even if those stories are subconscious. To keep those stories alive, you expect everything outside of you to cooperate. If your story is that you’re creative, can’t sit still and need a lot of variety, you may expect your jobs and relationships to adjust to your changing whims. And when they don’t cooperate, you cling even tighter to your story and push against reality. This results in struggle: when reality doesn’t match your story and you choose to believe your story (mostly unconsciously). Struggle is painful, but it’s also painful to give up the struggle because you’ve done it for so long; it feels safe and familiar. A common story is “I’m alone, nobody wants me, I’m not good enough.” Then what happens is your actions support it so you keep creating your single status. Dating is a struggle because it goes against your “I’m alone” story. Instead of choosing reality (there are available people out there and you can have a relationship), you cling to your story, keeping you in struggle. The alternative to struggle is ease and happiness, and it happens through surrendering to reality. When you let go of your illusions about yourself and how life should be, you’re free. Challenging your stories, opening yourself up and surrendering to what’s possible gives you a one-way ticket out of Struggle-ville.

Journey of Attachment: Unspoken Rules, Agreements and Promises May 07, 2019

Show notes

Do you live your life based on rules, promises and agreements you made as a kid? Maybe you think things need to be a certain way, but you’re not sure why. Promises can influence many areas of your life without you even realizing it. It could be something as simple as why you don’t like broccoli. Maybe your dad hated it so you thought there was something wrong with it. To please your dad, you decided not to like broccoli either. Years later you still don’t eat broccoli because you think you don’t like it, but you haven’t tasted it since you were a kid. The problem with these unspoken rules and promises is they have NOTHING to do with what you actually want. They are like a bunch of road signs that push you in a certain direction, keeping you from experiencing life. If you grew up with parents in a dysfunctional relationship, you may have equated marriage with yelling and pain. As an adult, you might have trouble with long-term relationships without knowing why. You don’t realize your younger self made a promise never to get married, which has prevented you from getting close to anyone. But once you identify the unspoken promises that no longer serve you, you can break them. And once you do that, all sorts of opportunities open up.

Validating vs. Invalidating Conversations May 03, 2019

Show notes

How do you react when someone says they have upset you? Perhaps they took something personally that you didn’t intend. Do you get defensive or accuse them of overreacting? Or do you actually listen to how they feel? When in a defensive state, all you hear is blame and shame for what you have done, believing you’re the bad guy. To prove you did nothing wrong, you invalidate them by saying they are being overly sensitive. It’s hard to take responsibility for causing pain so you want to make it their problem, not yours. Listening with empathy instead of defending your position or shaming them for how they feel is the difference between validating and invalidating communication. Let’s say you text someone a snarky comment that hurts their feelings. You didn’t mean to upset them (it was a joke!), but you did. First, acknowledge they are hurt and allow them to feel that way without judgment. You can say you didn’t mean to upset them, and you’re sorry it had an impact—even if you don’t understand their feelings. Conversely, if you’re on the receiving end of the text, you can explain why it upset you without making them the bad guy. Having this kind of open communication where you are both sharing without personalizing or getting defensive will bring you closer. Invalidating conversations create resentment and distance. You always have a choice in how you respond, so the next time you unintentionally hurt someone (or vice versa), open up, sharing and listening without judgment, rather than shutting down. Closeness is created when you give importance to other people’s feelings.

True Feelings vs. Reactions Apr 30, 2019

Show notes

It’s hard to speak your true feelings. When asked, you may talk about what is happening externally: you’re stressed from work, worried about your relationship or upset about something a friend said. But those aren’t your deeper feelings; those are actually reactions. To understand what’s really going on, you have to dig beyond those surface emotions. Waiting for the situation to change or resolve itself may help temporarily, but it will resurface because you’re not getting to the root. This pattern of waiting for the external to change rather than dealing with the underlying emotions is learned… so of course it can be unlearned. And it takes a willingness to sit with discomfort. If you are angry that your partner ignores you while telling him/her about your day, dig below the anger. Why does it make you angry? What does it trigger inside? Maybe you’ll find a fear of rejection or abandonment. Connecting with those underlying feelings and sharing them with your partner is the road to emotional freedom. Or you can resign yourself to feeling this way whenever you talk to your partner about your day, hoping one day he/she will change. But where is the power in that? Feeling your ACTUAL feelings will keep you out of a reactionary state, and out of the victim zone, for a greater sense of well-being.

Ruminating vs. Feeling Your Feelings- What’s the Difference? Apr 26, 2019

Show notes

People tend to confuse feeling your feelings with ruminating. Rehashing the same story over and over is not processing your feelings—that’s ruminating. It’s a way of staying focused on stories and the meaning you give them. It’s also a way of avoiding your deeper feelings. You think you’re “processing,” but you’re really just marinating in your juices. Sitting with your feelings WITHOUT attaching stories is a different experience. When you ruminate, you need to solve a problem and often need something from someone else to come to a resolution. When you feel your feelings, there is a peaceful end; a feeling of calm. You don’t need anything external. Feeling your feelings is hard and people will perform all sorts of acrobatics to avoid doing it. But when you go around in circles with the same problem and rehash old stories, you don’t make any movement. Instead of feeling resolved, you’re frustrated. You are in a constant state of reaction where you remain stuck. Connecting with your deeper emotions will get you out of your head and out of the swirling toilet bowl where you can come to a peaceful resolution.

Journey of Attachment: Why Do You Allow Yourself to be Treated Badly? Apr 23, 2019

Show notes

Do you constantly feel disrespected by your partner, friends, colleagues, etc.? Do you think they are the mean ones and you are the poor one who is made to suffer? Well, what if they were just following your lead? Everything you say or don’t say; do or don’t do teaches people how to treat you. If you say you won’t tolerate liars, why do you look the other way or make an excuse for someone lying to you? When you cross your own boundaries you give other people permission to do the same. Also, when you accept behavior but get angry about it, the other person picks up on that. Let’s say you buy lunch for co-workers because you want them to invite you to their after-work happy hours. Even if it’s not conscious, they may feel they’re being manipulated by your inauthentic gesture, so they continue not inviting you. You feel used and label them as mean but you’re the one not respecting yourself. Seeking validation by putting up with bad behavior will never lead to a positive sense of well-being. You’re putting your emotional state in someone else’s hands. It’s not about changing other people and how they treat you—it’s about treating yourself with the level of respect you want from them.

How Rules Rob You of Happiness Apr 19, 2019

Show notes

Rules are important for safety and for functioning in society, but you probably have a laundry list of rules you aren’t even aware of; ones that don’t serve you. If you spent today noticing all the rules in your life, you may be surprised by how much they operate your existence. Rules feel safe; they provide a road map. Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t follow them, all hell will break loose and you’ll feel utterly out of control. Rules create a limited way of life because you miss out on the joy of experiencing and allowing. Maybe you only eat organic produce, or have to be in bed by 9pm every night, or need to wait for someone to smile at you before you smile back, or only date someone of the same race. Preferences are fine, but these can easily become stringent guidelines you follow without questioning them, which can keep your world small and controlled. They become a crutch when you don’t trust yourself or your choices. When you allow life and live in the present moment, you take action from your heart rather than the traffic cop in your head. Happiness isn’t built on rules, and when you let them go, you may just find a better way of doing things.

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected