Freedom from Attachment

Latest Episodes:

Journey of Attachment Identity Crisis: Can't Be Alone or Only Want To Be Jun 18, 2019

Show notes

Most insecurely attached people have an identity crisis going on that either they are aware of or completely checked out of. Many identify as introverts that are avoidants or anxious avoidants, but really they are isolationists. The clock says 5 and they are looking for the sanctity of their home. Sometimes being the isolationist lets them come out and play for a bit in a group—but do not get too close and do not bring them drama, they will run once again. On the other side of the coin are the more extraverted insecurely attached peeps—the ones who cannot be alone and go from relationship to relationship. Being around others keeps them from dealing with what is going on inside…yes, they avoid too, but their outer actions to do it look different than those who lone wolf it. Both are emotional isolationists. Both are two sides of the same coin. Where one may run for cover from a group the other will make the group their thing. Both need validation, but have different ways of gaining it. One needs it covertly and the other overtly. Being in a group or avoiding them is a symbol of where you can do work with yourself. If you need to be in one or do not know who you are or you avoid them like the plague, there is a deeper reason. There are grey areas, as we are all individuals, the point is there is an identity crisis here and it is okay to cross the line into the things you would never do. Perhaps that is something to look at? As you grow into valuing yourself you actually find a balance between the extra and intra. You find that your voice wants to be heard where you were quiet and where you were loud you have gotten quieter, speaking up when it really matters. Insecure attachment has a huge impact on our choices and how we see ourselves. As you grow, be prepared to enter more of the middle ground rather than either extreme.

Please Go F**k Up Your Life Jun 14, 2019

Show notes

Some kind of advice, right? Having permission to do what it is you fear will f**k up your life is usually what will actually give you the life you want. It won’t destroy you, fear is the very element that holds us back from moving forward, moving on and making the change you want to happen. Emotional commitment is truly unmatchable. When you step outside of your head, stop asking for advice from others, you are taking steps toward f**king your life up as it feels like you are free-floating unsure of where you may land. And that is ok! Sure, life's not exactly problem free, but if you choose to do nothing then whatever situation you're in will continue to remain static. Most of the reactions you'll get from people are based on their own life experiences, so how is that relevant to you? Exactly. So go f**k up your life and it will, inevitably un-f**k your life. True change lives outside of your comfort zone. It's to see, feel and know your fear, and go through it like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride (and don’t hold on, let it take where you it takes you). So here's your chance. It's time to stop asking for outside opinions and asking others what you should do and just do it for yourself. The outcome will not only un-f**k your life, it will build confidence to trust yourself. Join me for this podcast I'll discuss the best steps for taking that narrative stick of dynamite and letting er’ rip to create the change you really need and want.

Surviving to Thriving: Andy J. Pizza Jun 12, 2019

Show notes

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Andy J. Pizza, an American illustrator from Columbus, OH and creator of the multi-million-viewed Creative Prep Talk podcast series. As a child, Andy's mother abandoned two families and slipped into drug addiction. To escape from what he describes as a "curse" he began illustrating and eventually began working with his dream client, Nickelodeon. After a series of ups and downs, he eventually lost this dream opportunity and eventually won them back. Andy discusses how his journey was the only way he could slay his dragon and reflects on how seeking out new role models played a pivotal role in allowing him to find himself. Nowadays Andy is the creator and host of Creative Prep Talk, a podcast series that offers-up his expertise on how to turn your passion into your job through marketing and business strategy. Learn more about Andy's podcast at www.soundcloud.com/creativepeptalk

Journey of Attachment: Love Your Anxiety Jun 11, 2019

Show notes

Anxiety isn’t the enemy—it’s just trying to do its job. It sounds the alarm when fear comes up, stepping in to take care of things. It provides a clue to your internal workings: where you lack trust, what you fear, what you don’t accept, etc. It is wrapped up with self-judgment and the fear of being seen. Trying to fix it by solving external problems won’t work. Even if the situation stops causing anxiety, that sleeping bear still lives inside you. Anxiety grows when you hate it, disown it, try to reason with it and push it away. Instead of running from it, sit with it. Listen to what it tells you. It can lead to some eye-opening truths that may be hard to see. Being whole means accepting the dark and the light, the negative and the positive. These are all parts of you that need to be embraced. Trying to ignore the dark and disowning those parts of yourself will leave you stuck in resistance. Start by reintegrating the “negative” aspects of yourself you have abandoned; the parts that are shameful or make you cringe. When you stop hiding your imperfections and accept ALL parts of yourself, anxiety will stop controlling you. To be happy is to be whole, and you can’t be whole when you only accept your positive attributes. We are all flawed. Embrace it. Love it.

Rules in Relationships: WTF is Compromise? Jun 07, 2019

Show notes

Do you think other people should bend to what you want? To satisfy your way of doing things or perform the way you want? You may have this expectation without realizing the rules you are creating: it’s too late to make plans, we can’t talk on the phone more than once/week, etc. In relationships, this usually creates pain. Rules are related to control because you don’t trust yourself to be in a flow with your partner. They also result from a lack of healthy boundaries. Needing things to be a certain way creates a false sense of security. Instead of relying on rules, allow for compromise. This isn’t about compromising your values or who you are; it’s about finding a middle ground that works for both of you. When you find yourself putting your foot down, unwilling to compromise, ask yourself what your goal is. Are you trying to control the other person? If so, why? What are you trying to protect yourself from? If you feel like you have to be strict with how you interact with someone because you’re afraid of being taken advantage of, ask why you choose rules over honesty. Rules are not the path to developing deeper connections with people. When you are authentic and speak your truth, you can compromise without sacrificing yourself or your values.

Journey of Attachment: Being An Anxious Pursuer In Relationships Jun 04, 2019

Show notes

**See freebie link at the bottom. “I attract avoidants” has almost become a mantra for anxious pursuers who are convinced they are only attracted to people who shun them. They believe relationships require a lot of effort, thus feeling a deeper connection to partners who reject them. If it comes easy, something must be wrong. This anxious pursuer is always focused on their partner, pushing, pulling and waiting for that “wake-up” moment that never comes. Let’s say you start dating someone who checks a lot of your boxes, but they rarely contact you so you do all the work. You create excuses to contact them, enticing them with sex or whatever carrot you think will prove irresistible. You live in the fantasy of feeling close to them, making the reality of rejection both painful and comfortable. The irony is that if they DO get close to you, you’ll distance yourself. This push/pull dance is a pattern, with fear of abandonment at its core. To break it you need to connect where it hurts, accessing those deep feelings you avoid like the plague. Instead of running from pain and anxiety when they strike, sit with it. Be with it. Do not react or discharge your pain on someone else. It is SO HARD to do and feels like walking through fire, but it will set you free. Want to take a deeper dive into changing your attachment issues? Click for my meditative release on this link: https://tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

The Grey Area of Emotional Change May 31, 2019

Show notes

As much as we want life to be black and white so we can keep things neat and tidy, it’s not. That is your intellect trying to run the show. Everything is a shade of grey, especially when it comes to emotions. When you put your mind in charge of your emotional state, you make fear-based choices. There is no deep connection to yourself so you rely on rules rather than trusting yourself. Emotions are esoteric; they cannot be easily described or labeled because words are a mental construct. Stop trying to separate the black paint from the white when they are all swirled together. Let them mix, it’s ok! When it comes to emotional change there are no absolutes. You have to feel your way through, make mistakes, and keep on going. Needing a bunch of black and white rules means you don’t trust yourself. If you wait for a sign that it’s ok to step into your fear, you’ll be waiting a long time. It’s ok to live in the grey and not know how things will turn out. In fact it’s the only way to emotionally grow. When you find yourself making decisions from fear, stop looking for rules about what you should or shouldn’t do. Instead, walk through the grey zone of emotional uncertainty and trust yourself you’ll be ok.

Journey of Attachment: Emotional Unavailability--What’s the Cure? May 28, 2019

Show notes

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to fill an internal void, it won’t work. You will continue to struggle with your relationships if you do not become emotionally available to yourself first. So how do you become more emotionally available to yourself? Start owning and valuing your own feelings. This will be uncomfortable because you’ve probably spent your life avoiding and/or discounting them. But if you don’t value your feelings, no one else will. You will continue looking for people who give you breadcrumbs of love and attention because it’s what’s familiar. Your feelings matter—even the ones that seem silly, stupid or wrong. Accept and embrace ALL of them. Do that and you’ll build your value, which in turn will make you more open, loving and emotionally available.

I Need To Understand, Then I Can Keep ‘Em! May 24, 2019

Show notes

BUT WHY? You think if you can just understand what happened in your relationship, you can manage your emotions and put things back together. You won’t have to deal with loss or disappointment because you will make it work. If you can just understand why you were cheated on, broken up with, or treated badly, you can become the person he/she needs you to be. The problem with “understanding” is it is mental in nature, and a way of avoiding your emotions. Instead of sacrificing yourself to be what the other person wants, look at the feelings you’re afraid to deal with. Let’s say you’re walking on eggshells in your marriage, never asking what’s wrong because you’re afraid your spouse will ask for a divorce. Then you learn he/she has cheated on you. You fight back tears in an effort to understand so you can save your marriage. You’re terrified of loss and think that if you can figure out what happened, you can fix things. But at what cost? If you alter your behavior to be someone you’re not, you’ve sacrificed yourself for a dysfunctional relationship. You can understand all you want, but it doesn’t put you in control of the situation or give you what you want. The more you sit with your feelings and embrace what you’re afraid of losing, the better you will feel.

Journey of Attachment: I Can’t Let Go! My “Best Friend” Connection to My Ex. May 21, 2019

Show notes

**Freebie at the bottom. Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day they will finally wake up and get it. Does that happen? No, but you aren’t able to detach. It’s hard to commit to your own well-being when you can’t let go. No matter how many times this person has hurt you, you may still feel this “best friend” connection to them, which is a painful place to live; especially if they have moved on and are in a relationship with someone else. Don’t fight against your feelings—they are real and should be acknowledged—but look at what is actually happening. The more you see what’s true, the more clarity you’ll have around what you’re actually attached to. Ask yourself if you were putting this person on a pedestal and giving the relationship more meaning than it deserved. You want to matter enough to yourself to be able to move on so you’re not stuck in a situation where you receive breadcrumbs. Click here to get your free tool on banishing insecure attachment: https://tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

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