Freedom from Attachment

Latest Episodes:

Journey of Attachment: Liars, Cheaters and Lack of Trust Jul 23, 2019

Show notes

You don’t trust your partner. He/she is lying and cheating… or you’re afraid they are. Maybe you have an ex who cheated on you so you are hyper-aware of certain behavior. Like if you see your partner acting flirty with someone, which sends you into that crazy, anxious paranoid mode. This reaction, however, is more a reflection of your negative beliefs and how you don’t trust YOURSELF. You don’t trust that you would be able to handle the disappointment of the relationship ending. What if you never recover? What if you just attract another cheater? Staying in a relationship like this allows you to play the victim while assigning your partner to the role of perpetrator (can you say drama triangle?). You get to blame him/her while taking no responsibility for why you stay… and you may be doing this without realizing it. Being a victim feels strangely secure, but it’s a prison that you choose to be in. If you remain, pain and anxiety will be constant companions. To break the chains of disrespect, distrust, and lack of love for yourself, you have to connect with the buried feelings you are trying to avoid. Because staying in a relationship where there is a lack of trust is less about your partner and more about you. But that means you can do something about it. If you're really ready to make a change, please check out my new group: https://www.tracycrossley.com/the-love-addict-bootcamp/

Stop Chasing Happiness Jul 19, 2019

Show notes

Do you believe happiness exists outside of you? That once your partner FINALLY gets a clue, or you lose 10 pounds, or you get that promotion, or you buy that house, you’ll be happy? You think if you work hard at achieving your goals, you’ll be rewarded with happiness. Sure, you may get to where you’re going, but does that mean happiness will follow? Nope. Happiness is not a butterfly. It’s the caterpillar, the cocoon and the chrysalis; it’s the whole transformative journey. If you feel like happiness is elusive, you’re probably chasing a butterfly. It doesn’t come from trying really hard or projecting a certain image or acting as-if; it comes from letting go and being present. You can spend years doing things that are “supposed” to be fun without ever experiencing it. I look back with regret on girls’ trips and relationships that I wasn’t truly present for. I thought they would be game-changers when it came to finding happiness, but they never were. Now I have learned to slow down and open up instead of rushing through life and disconnecting from my feelings. Your happiness is your responsibility, so instead of chasing something externally and waiting for the universe to reward your hard work, take an active role to seek out what you feel connected to.

Journey of Attachment: Staying Too Long And Making Excuses Jul 16, 2019

Show notes

Your relationship isn’t going well. Perhaps your partner is verbally or emotionally abusive, threatening to leave or causing you harm. But there are good sides to him/her too, which you don’t want to discount, so you focus on that and make excuses for their bad behavior to yourself and others. Or you complain about your relationship to your friends, but act as if nothing is wrong when with your partner. You know you should leave, and part of you wants to, but deep down you believe this is all you deserve. Your bar for acceptable behavior is frighteningly low. When you don’t value yourself or your emotional well-being, you teach others it’s ok to treat you poorly. And this doesn’t just apply to women. In fact, in this episode, I share a story about a male client whose wife throws things at his head and constantly belittles him. When he does threaten to leave, she does something nice to keep him hanging around. Staying in a relationship like this and “hoping” it will get better is to your own detriment. What are you afraid of losing? Why do you think you deserve this? You do NOT deserve it and you have the power to do something about it.

I Look Like the Jerk Jul 12, 2019

Show notes

Most of us act like a jerk at times—that’s just life. Some work really hard to prove they are not a jerk by overcompensating while others double-down on their behavior and defensively say, “I don’t care what people think!” Both are avoidant, fearful reactions based on how others perceive you. When you truly accept who you are (the good and the bad), how people label you does not drive your behavior or affect how you view yourself. And very often who the “jerk” is in a given situation depends on who you ask. Let’s say you recently ended a relationship where your ex was cheating on you. Clearly, he/she is the jerk, right? But then you hear this person is telling others that YOU are the asshole, always talking about yourself and wanting him/her to change. You’re appalled that people feel sorry for your estranged mate who is clearly the bad guy in this scenario. Focusing on how people perceive you or your ex is a great distraction from your own feelings. It also allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your actions in the relationship—including why you chose to be there. Life isn’t black and white. Instead of playing the “who is the jerk today?” game, wouldn’t it be nice to remove the labels and just allow everyone to be who they are… including yourself?

Journey of Attachment: I’ve Been Working on Myself Forever and Still Attract Jerks Jul 09, 2019

Show notes

You’ve done some work on yourself and have achieved a certain level of self-awareness, yet your relationship status doesn’t reflect that. Each time you dip your toe back into dating to see if things have changed, you say, “Yep, just as unsuccessful as before!” Then you go back into your cocoon hoping the next time you emerge you’ll find that perfect person. Unfortunately, personal growth isn’t suddenly rewarded by the universe. No one pats you on the back and says, “Good work, you deserve a relationship now!” You actually have to put your learnings about yourself into practice. And to do that you need to throw away your old checklist and open yourself up to different experiences, which is emotionally risky and uncomfortable. You have to stop playing games, hiding out, being mysterious and all the other avoidant behaviors that haven’t worked. The reason you keep attracting jerks is that you’re not DOING things differently. If you say you want a relationship, you actually have to get in the ring and practice breaking old patterns… with another person. Ready to turbocharge your growth and leave attachment behind? Check out my new group! https://www.tracycrossley.com/the-love-addict-bootcamp/

I Don’t Like That! How Not to be a Hater Jul 05, 2019

Show notes

Ever notice how quick you are to say, “I don’t like X” or “I can’t stand it when people…”? Whether the subject is food or a person’s behavior or how something looks, you probably respond negatively on autopilot. This can be as simple as calling someone an a-hole for cutting you off on the freeway or as damaging as dismissing someone outright because you disagree with something they believe. Hate begets hate so the more you try to banish those unsavory people or situations from your life, the more they crop up. A hater mentality also allows you to remain in your comfort zone, avoiding what you fear. It leaves you disconnected from yourself because all of your focus is on what you don’t like or disapprove of. It robs you of your own wellbeing. Instead, what if you were to be curious about what you don’t like and why? What if you put proverbial duct tape over your mouth whenever you felt like vocalizing your dislike for someone or something? When you acknowledge you can’t control what is outside of you, you are able to let go and allow for a more peaceful existence. Remember, you get to choose what you focus on and how you respond.

Journey of Attachment: Letting Others In Jul 02, 2019

Show notes

This podcast was inspired by an email from a listener. After getting out of a toxic relationship, she noticed her knee-jerk reaction of throwing up emotional walls when someone expressed interest in her. As someone who wants a healthy, committed relationship, she knows she needs to work through her fear, dismantle those walls and let people in… but how? Walls go up when your head takes control and runs amok with fear-based stories. For me, this happened when comparing my dates to someone I was still hooked on, or to an on-again-off-again relationship. Basically, I compared them to what was familiar: my unhealthy insecurely attached relationships. My walls also went up when someone appeared too available because I would look into the future and imagine being stuck in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted. When toxic relationships are what you know, healthy ones feel foreign. Fear leads every step you take, making it almost impossible to let someone in. Breaking down those walls comes from surrendering to your fear and standing in it. Each time you stop yourself from running, hiding or disconnecting from your emotions, you pull a brick down. As you do this, you give yourself the space to handle the GOOD instead of staying stuck in pain, which then creates an opening to let others in.

I Don't Want to be in Trouble Jun 28, 2019

Show notes

If you stopped for a moment and asked yourself about the unrest you feel about a mistake. What would you hear in your head? Could it be something like: "I cannot and will not take the responsibility for having made a mistake, misjudged someone, upset someone or anything else which could make me in trouble with myself." Add to that in trouble with anyone ever. The thought of responsibility feels like a loss of control, as though you are nothing. Now, this is a "feeling" not necessarily reality. But when I look back at the feeling, it could feel like a black hole I was falling into. Something else I would obsess about in terms of "mistakes" is in a situation when I used to think someone else "thinks I did something wrong," because I always tried to do the right thing. It is something that haunted me from childhood forward. I would ruminate for hours about how I should have done it differently so as to avoid trouble. But to say I did something out loud, as though I am responsible? No way. If you find yourself doing the same thing, there is another way to live. Yes taking responsibility for what you do and say is part of it, but dealing with the shame that comes up when you have made a mistake. Or you fear being judged about it. Those fears unchecked make you act in unnatural ways, walk on eggshells and just feel bad. Want to learn how to undo the grip of shame on your life? Check out my podcast.

Journey of Attachment: Stop Fighting Your Attachment Jun 25, 2019

Show notes

When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but never does, so you keep looking externally for answers. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and just perpetuates the struggle. Instead of fighting the anxiety and frustration of your current situation, stop. Struggle is a choice, so give yourself permission to be right where you are. You can continue going in circles or you can surrender to where you are right now and accept all of your feelings around it. It’s ok to feel stuck, it’s ok to feel frustrated, it’s ok to feel crazy. Allow all of it, then be curious about what you can learn. When you are able to say, “Ok, I am tied to this person right now but I’m going to dig deeper into what I am attracted to and why,” you will move away from struggle and eventually outgrow the situation.

It's All About Me, Me, Me Jun 21, 2019

Show notes

You may walk around with the fear of being called out or criticized. You want to be seen how you think you are, it's a lot of work to try and control what you cannot. It's as though you are constantly playing Monopoly, making it a mission to buy all the properties and negotiate for what you need. So tiring when your life is this way too. Self-protective and self-absorbed--I need to take care of me, me, me through working on my image, so I cannot be faulted. Ugh. Self-absorption—everything outside of me is about me—its how I define myself. I assume and I personalize, so that I am above anyone thinking I have done wrong. I need to stay one step ahead. Even if this seems unfamiliar to you, as in you do not see yourself operating this way (but maybe you see it a teeny bit--that's okay--listen in), do you know anyone like this? You cannot handle for anyone to think poorly of you. This is what it looks like when you are looking for others to help you to feel whole, because you do not feel that way just being you. You will stop obsessing about yourself when you realize you are just okay being you. Not easy to do, but very rewarding. So, what can you stop worrying about when it comes to the fear of the opinion of others? Tune into my podcast and get some tips on how to drop this schtick and enjoy your life without worrying what others have to say about you.

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