Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Latest Episodes:

232: Love languages, conflict, connection, and repair Nov 25, 2022

Show notes

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like she was nitpicking at you, like you could never do anything right? Or ever been in a phase where it felt like she was never happy with you, and was sharp and poky or picked fights for seemingly no reason?

Real talk: When I feel loved and cherished by my man, little things don't bother me as much. But when I question that love or don't feel cherished, then I feel triggered all the time ... and I don't show up as the warmest, most loving version of myself. (Also we tend to have less sex when we're not in a connected phase.)

This is partly a love language issue. Once we're out of the honeymoon phase during dating, which according to neuroscientists actually lasts close to two years, it can feel like we don't know what went wrong. We used to get along so well; we used to have incredible sex and things felt easy. Now it feels harder.

Our culture doesn't teach this, but a large part of a healthy, conscious relationship involves learning how to love each other well. We're not born knowing that. And love languages are a critical part of this. Love languages are how we feel loved by our partners. We may know intellectually that they care about us, but those warm and safe, connected feelings don't just stick around.

Listen to hear about the five different love languages, the different dialects within them, and how to apply these in a practical way to love your partner better and feel more loved yourself.

Other memorable quotes from this episode:

"Seafood and me are not friends"
"First you need the self-awareness around how YOU feel loved"
"Ultimately we're talking about teaching each other how to love one another well"

231: Her journey from vanilla marriage to BDSM and kink! (ft. Sara) Nov 18, 2022

Show notes

Ever wished you could explore different kinds of sexy things in your relationship? How exactly does one go from missionary position to consensual flogging? Well, let us tell you!

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, there's a lot of mystery around kink and BDSM. What "counts" as kinky, and how do you talk to your partner about wanting to explore it? How does one even get started in BDSM? Is it all whips and chains, or how does that work exactly!?

We go into all this and more as Sara takes us on her own personal experience going from a pretty vanilla marriage to a full-on kinkster and practiced rope bottom (someone who likes to get tied up). She experiences a tremendous amount of freedom in rope bondage — something that may sound like an oxymoron but actually isn't.

If you've ever wanted to get your freak on or hear an open discussion of exploration and sexual freedom (as well as hear about BDSM for couples), this isn't one to miss. Talking about sexual taboos is all the rage. ;)

Mentioned in this episode:

Shibari: Japanese rope bondage

FetLife — a popular social media site for those interested in kink and/or BDSM

Rigger: Someone who does the tying in a rope bondage situation

Rope bottom: Someone who is tied up in a rope bondage situation

230: How do I inspire my woman to want more sex with me? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Nov 11, 2022

Show notes

A pattern we often hear from the men we work with is that it's really hard for them to approach their partner for sex. This could be a dating partner or someone they're in a long-term committed relationship with. Heck, it could be their wife. If you've ever Googled, "How do I get my wife to have more sex with me?" you're not alone.

The fear of approaching a partner for sex is real, and it can actually impact the whole relationship. For example, Jason noticed that after a year of being with a partner, it actually got harder for him to approach her for sex, not easier. Why is this? What's going on?

Here, Jason delves into his own personal experience with trouble initiating sex with partners in the past, and how he resolved it. We also talk about:

How to keep up your confidence if you've been turned down/felt rejected a few times. It's possible, and we also want to validate your experience of it sucking!
The magic sauce you can pour on during the day that'll help a woman want to be sexual with you later that night
How, when you learn how to initiate sex in a more masterful way, it can actually improve your whole relationship, not just the sex

As always, if you've got questions or comments you can get me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com!

229: Men have body image issues, too. (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 04, 2022

Show notes

When we think about body image, shame, and appearance, we often think about women. And for good reason — there's a lot of pressure on women to look a certain way, and it's easy to feel less-than if you're not in your 20s with a flat stomach, a perfect ass, and a great rack.

But men have all kinds of emotions and self-judgment in this area, too. Ever felt like you're not enough? That you're somehow lacking in terms of your appearance? You're not alone!

Whether it's feeling fat, not having six-pack abs, having body hair, or not feeling like your skin color is welcome, there are all sorts of feelings men have around appearance — and we wanted to talk about that. Especially since self-love, self-image, and self-esteem are all directly related to a man's experience of sex, dating, and relationships with women (and whoever they're sexual with).

In this special episode, some of our brave clients also share their own answers to the following:

Were you ever teased or bullied about your weight or appearance, and how did that impact you?
In what ways has your weight or appearance prevented you from going for what you want?
If you’ve gone through a body transformation (i.e. losing a bunch of weight or somehow altering your appearance), what was your relationship to your body image like before, and what is it now?

The neglect episode referenced in this episode:

196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange)

228: Setting the mood for sensuality ... (ft. Amy Anthony) Oct 28, 2022

Show notes

What does it actually mean to "set the mood"? Yes, candles are fantastic — they give that soft light that makes everybody look great, and there's something to be said for that when it comes to sexy time. But there are lots of other ways to increase and enhance pleasure of all kinds, including scent.

Aromatherapy is powerful, and here we outline how essential oils can aid in everything from helping you to calm down, as well as to develop self-love. Whether you're in a dating phase or a committed relationship, the fact is that how you feel about yourself impacts the connection between the two of you, and aromatherapy can be a powerful way of keeping you connected to nature.

There are some essential that can even help you boost your prostate health, reduce anger, and assist with nurturing and self-acceptance.

My favorite quotes from this episode:

“Plants are for everybody, and flowers are for men, goddamnit.”
“We want to enhance receptivity.”

227: How a woman can reclaim her erotic essence (ft. Violet Lange) Oct 21, 2022

Show notes

Want that sizzle, that dazzle, that magical mystique? Of course you do. Everyone does. And if you're in a long-term relationship, it can feel harder to maintain that over time.

We're witnessing an epidemic of sexless relationships -- some studies put it at 15% of all marriages. When it comes to sex, sensuality, and a woman's erotic essence, it can be easy to lose.

One way this can show up is as mismatched desire. A man wants sex with his woman (i.e. wants to know, "How do I get my wife to have sex with me more?"), but she's not feelin' it. Maybe she feels like her libido is low. Maybe she wants to figure out whether there's something wrong with her -- isn't it her wifely duty to "provide sex" to her husband/man?

Here, we delve into the pattern of losing one's erotic essence as well as the delicious ways to reclaim it. YES, it is possible to get that sexy, sassy, soulful passion back -- both in a relationship as well as just in your own body.

If you’re interested in staying in the loop about the program we reference at the end of this episode, email one of us: dearmanpodcast@gmail.com or Violet at: violet@violetlange.com.

Violet's site: https://violetlange.com/

226: GirlTalk: When men do this, we melt. (Yes, really!) [replay] Oct 14, 2022

Show notes

Want hot sexy polarity in your relationship or dating life? You're gonna want to master this. It's the one relationship skill to rule them all. Here, we get personal and real about the men we've been with who've done this skillfully (and made us want to drop our panties), as well as those who've missed the mark. You can learn from both.

Where many men are taught to be either passive or aggressive, there is a middle way. And it's hot when men do it. What is it? Leading. Leading isn't being a dominant, aggressive asshole and it's not being a pushover or a doormat. It's being assertive in a healthy way. It's having a basic plan for a date and then being willing to adjust if things come up. It's being willing to lead with vulnerability when it comes to attraction. Here, we go into detail about what our experience has been around sex, dating, relationships, and why we've found it so damn sexy when a man can lead.

225: We're talkin' tussling! How positive emotional tension can enhance your relationship (ft. Dr. Robert Glover) Oct 07, 2022

Show notes

Ever felt like a woman was testing you, pushing your boundaries in annoying ways, or giving you a "shit test" (not a great term, but one you may be familiar with)? Here's a hint: if you don't want negative emotional tension, you may need to become skilled at positive emotional tension.

Whether you're in a dating relationship, long-term marriage, or somewhere in between, the feminine is mysterious. Many men are baffled by how to relate when it seems like what he's doing is never enough. Why can't she just be satisfied? Why does it feel like she's always poking at you, overreacting to something small, or picking a fight? Why isn't sex easier?

Here, we go into what women are often thinking or wanting in those moments. We outline positive emotional tension (aka conscious tension), and how it can actually strengthen your relationship. And we cover the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension, which can actually be fun — and unhealthy abuse. This includes knowing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and how to avoid partners with BPD. We also go into how loving, conscious dominance can lead to hot sex. ;)

A few memorable quotes from this episode:

"Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
“If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”
“We all get needy.”
"How can a man tell, 'Is it ever going to be enough for her?'"

Resources mentioned on this episode:

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

224: What does it mean to have honest sex? (ft. Shana James) Sep 30, 2022

Show notes

What does it mean to actually be honest when it comes to sex?

A lot of couples never really talk about their sex life in depth. Sure, maybe one person in the relationship says they'd like to be having more sex. But that's different from having real, raw conversations about what's working, what each person wants more or less of, and what their deep-down turn-ons actually are.

Why? Because it's scary to have these kinds of talks! Whether you're new to dating or you're in a long-term, committed relationship (or even married), it's hard to be open about sexual intimacy. And at the same time, not having honest sex comes at a cost. When you're not real with your partner about sex, you're cutting off a part of yourself. Then you tend to feel more distant. More separate.

So how do you overcome this? How do you talk about sex with your partner in a way that's inviting instead of intimidating? Who brings it up and how? What if you wanna explore BDSM? Here we talk about all that — what it means to be truly honest, and how to elicit your partner’s truth and desires and share your own.

Mentioned on this episode:

Shana's site: https://shanajamescoaching.com/

223: Sexological bodywork, somatic sex education, and overcoming trauma (ft. Chris Muse & Alyssa Morin) Sep 23, 2022

Show notes

Ever wished sex were easier? As in, that you could feel totally comfortable in your body, fearless in your sexuality, easily ask for what you want, and facilitate hot sexy experiences with women you feel attracted to?

Maybe you contend with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or porn addiction. Maybe you're ashamed of how much you want sex or don't even go after women you really want because you're unsure you'll be able to perform sexually. Maybe you're with a partner but feel like you two could have a way better sex life.

If any of this feels familiar, questions can come up like, "Why am I this way?" And, "How do I grow beyond this?"

A lot of the men we work with are survivors of developmental trauma, aka little-T trauma. Big-T trauma tends to be more "obvious" (domestic violence, sexual abuse, war, etc.). But little-T trauma (developmental trauma) can have equally as big an impact on your nervous system and mind.

And it affects not only how you feel about yourself, but how you operate sexually. One thing that can help these kinds of patterns dramatically is sexological bodywork — a modality that specifically helps with sexuality and overcoming trauma. Here we outline what sexological bodywork is and isn't, as well as somatic sex education.

Yep, we're talking about how to overcome erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation. We're talking about how to stop feeling ashamed of wanting sex, or of feeling like a bad man for even thinking about it. Want to overcome childhood trauma and thrive sexually? Listen on, my friends.

Sites mentioned in this episode:

Chris Muse's site: www.chris-muse.com
Alyssa Morin's site: www.alyssamorin.org
The Verdant Collective: www.theverdantcollective.com (for those who identify as women)
Directory: https://sexologicalbodyworkers.org/

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