333: Are you addicted to porn? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Nov 01, 2024

Do you ever feel ashamed of your porn use, or wish you could stop or cut down? Ever had trouble getting it up and wondered if that's connected to porn use? Ever compared dating partners to women you see in porn, and wondered if that was negatively impacting your sex or love life?

Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.

Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?

Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

332: Ever gone into freeze? Here’s what’s actually going on. (ft. Stacy Matulis) Oct 25, 2024

If you've ever felt anxious around a woman you were attracted to, gone rigid when you tried to flirt, or completely shut down during a fight with your partner, you know what it is to go into freeze.

When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.

Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?

Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)

We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.

Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, dating and relationship life. Fortunately, there's a way through.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (childhood neglect)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I felt neutered as a human.”
“When we grew up without safe others, we can learn that there are no safe others.”
“What would bring me into a life that I wanted to live?”
“Attunement is just as much an essential need as food and shelter is.”
“Your feelings and needs are all right with me.”
“A traumatized brain is programmed to look for the problem, and stay focused on the difficult energy.”
“Who I am makes love go away.”

331: GirlTalk: Relationship lessons, growth work, and memorable men Oct 18, 2024

Ever wondered what different women say when they get really real about their last relationship?

How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?

Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:

What’s the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?
What’s a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?
Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?

---

When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here’s to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

330: GirlTalk: How to go down on her so she loves it! Oct 12, 2024

If you love having sex with women and want to be known as a great lover, being good at going down is an important part of your repertoire. ;)

But it’s not easy to talk about this with anyone, so here we’re laying it bare. Four of us ladies share openly about what really works for us in oral sex -- what we desire, long for, and what holds us back in terms of receiving deep pleasure.

Whether you're married and wanting to know how to excel at cunnilingus on your wife, or you’re dating and want to how to go down on a woman such that she craves seeing you again, it’s all here.

—

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

329: How do you stay grounded when she's dysregulated (upset, stressed, anxious, angry, etc.)? (ft. Jason Lange) Oct 04, 2024

When your partner gets anxious or upset, do you feel like it's your fault or that you have to fix it immediately? How able are you to stay grounded and feel your own self, even amidst her storm/upset?

Ever found yourself doing anything to calm her down -- because your sense of being OK was contingent upon her feeling OK? (We find this common in the men with whom we work.

Here, we talk about how to stay grounded even when she's going through it. We outline how to know what's actually going on for you in those moments, how to "interrupt" the sense of compulsion around fixing it, and what a deep offering it is to maintain your own, separate nervous system instead of merging with hers.

As Jason says, now that he has become more skilled in this area, “I can be connected to her without being swallowed up by what’s going on for her.”

Whether it's in sex, dating, or a committed relationship, you will be more stable, reliable, and frankly sexy partner when you learn to master this.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“When she would get dysregulated, I would get dysregulated."
“Avoiding conflict often tends to create more conflict.”
“If my partner isn’t feeling well, it feels like it’s my fault.”
“Oh wow, her nervous system is not my nervous system.”
“I’m here with it, whatever it is — and I’m being impacted.”
“It’s OK to be messy and imperfect.”

328: Betrayal trauma. How do you recover? (ft. Rosanne Delaney) Sep 27, 2024

"For so long I felt like, ‘this is only happening in my marriage.’"

If you've ever experienced something dark, difficult, or deeply challenging in your love relationship, *and didn't feel like you could talk about it with others,* you'll relate to this episode.

Few topics bring up wounds as deep as betrayal. Whether you've experienced a partner cheating (physically or emotionally), abuse of some kind, or some other kind of damaging withholding or acting out in a relationship, you're familiar with the deep feeling of aloneness that often comes with that experience.

Or as my guest this week put it, it can feel like "we’re fighting this war in our own little intimate relationship."

How do you rebuild trust when you've betrayed an intimate partner? If you're the betrayed, how do you overcome the PTSD that you've developed in response to this? Here, we delve into all of that and more -- and celebrate what's possible on the other side. The depth of healing and restoration that my guest and her husband have attained is truly remarkable.

The fact is, isolation is when all the bad stuff happens. When we're isolated, we're often judging ourselves (as well as our partners). We can feel hopeless, despairing, or trapped.

I put out this podcast in large part to combat isolation, and bring us together. To know in our bones that we are not alone -- that our story is echoed in the stories of others, and vice versa.

Healing is always possible. You are not alone.

---

Mentioned on this episode:

SAlifeline.org

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

“Addiction lives in silence and isolation.”
“I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive him fully.”
“He was moving at his pace.”
“All of a sudden I no longer felt batsh*t crazy.”
“He loved me the very best that he could.”
“I did base a lot of my OK-ness on how he felt.”
“I never knew that marriage could be so fun!”

327: Transforming shame into power. Yes, it’s possible. (ft. Jason Lange & Luke Adler) Sep 20, 2024

What are you most ashamed of? Is it your sexuality -- how much you want and need sex, or your deep-down cravings that you fear others would judge if they knew about? Is it your yearning for love, your desire to be held or seen or known in some fundamental way?

Many of the biggest breakthroughs we've witnessed in clients have come when they've headed directly into shame, been witnessed with compassion, and come out the other side.

It is almost inevitable that releasing shame builds power, which is often electrifyingly transformative. Shame around sex, relationship, love, need, weakness, neediness, and desire is normal. It's human. But it doesn't have to be paralyzing; in fact, it can be catalyzing.

Here, Jason and Luke share personal stories of shame, and we outline the process of transforming shame into power. Learn about the Heart of Shadow men's group and retreat at heartofshadow.com - use coupon "dearmen" when you register!

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“If we don’t feel strong or powerful or directive in our lives, we will feel the tinge of shame.”
“I was terrified to be asked to do something that I didn’t know how to do.”
“What wants to be said to your ex-wife? What’s incomplete there?”
“Whatever you’re not feeling is where all your vitality is stuck.”
“I got to feel a boyish curiosity come back!”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

DM 305 GuyTalk: Overcoming religious trauma

326: GuyTalk: How do you overcome a sexual challenge (like premature ejaculation)? [REPLAY] Sep 13, 2024

Ever experienced porn addiction (and had that affect your love relationship), contended with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or been worried about what your cock looks like? Then you'll feel right at home with this episode.

Here, several men in our community share their unvarnished truth with their own voices. They forthrightly and vulnerably answer 3 questions:

What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?
What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?
Why do you choose to do consciousness work?

I believe you'll find the raw truth from other men on the path to be illuminating, inviting, and reassuring all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of these men, and all of you men who are out there learning, transforming, and growing.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

325: What if *every* woman had a self-pleasure practice? (ft. Violet Lange) Sep 06, 2024

Do you wish your woman was more open to sex? Not just intercourse, but the fun of the whole sex thing -- kissing, making out, foreplay, getting hot and heavy, doing the dirty.

Ever longed for more from your wife/girlfriend/partner when it comes to sexuality -- and not just "from her" but with her? Ever wished she had more fun when it came to sex, that she enjoyed it more, was more expressed and into it?

Many of our clients feel a yearning to connect more with their woman, but aren't even sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex is sensitive, and even more so if sexual trauma is part of the picture. And masturbation can be even harder to discuss, especially in partnership.

Here, we talk all things sexual opening and awakening when it comes to the feminine. We draw from our own personal journeys as well as countless stories from other women who've learned how to connect to their own erotic essence (separate from a partner), and the myriad benefits associated with that. We cover the many health benefits of masturbation, yoni eggs, cervical wands, breast massage, G-spot de-armoring and more.

To close this out, I'm gonna drop some slang terms for women getting themselves off, because they're all kinds of fab:

Ménage à moi
Auditioning the finger puppets
Womansplaining yourself
Fanning the fur
Checking the undercarriage
Buttering your muffin
Diddling Miss Daisy
and my personal favorite ... Paddling the pink canoe

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men 153: Her sexual healing: How to support her *and* get your needs met (ft. Violet Lange)
Dear Men 191: Supporting a woman in her sexual pleasure & healing (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) -- the one about jade eggs
Jaiya's erotic blueprints
Please Her In Bed (my streaming course for men who have sex with women)
Evolutionary Couples (Violet & Jason's new course for couples)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I’m in a relationship, I’m finally happy! Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner?!”
“I hear this from moms all the time: sex is not a priority for me.”
“Even if your libido feels like it’s dormant, you can still work with responsive desire.”
“I really miss the closeness I feel with your body … I long for you.”
“Let’s swim in the sea of erotic energy.”

324: What does it mean to open a woman? (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 30, 2024

Ever been around a woman who was closed down, shut off, or emotionally unavailable? Ever felt like your partner wanted to say something but was holding back, and if you'd somehow shown up in a different way, maybe she'd have let you in?

Perhaps you've felt some version of, "I can’t handle that anger right now so I need to remove that anger from her." Or if your partner is upset with you, you've expressed something like, "You don’t need to feel that way because here was my *intention* in doing that."

Dating, sex, and relationships can feel like a huge mystery. Hell, women and feelings themselves can feel like a huge mystery! But there are certain principles that hold true, and grasping the nuances of polarity can help you navigate everything with more grace and clarity.

Here, I share personal stories of feeling opened by a man (as well as times I've felt closed by one), and we outline what it takes to become the man who can open an available woman.

—

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Instead of acknowledging what she was feeling and getting curious, it triggered my wounding around not being enough as a man, so I would try to explain to her why she was wrong."
"Can I allow the person who hurt me to then be the person to hold me?"
"The deeper trust we form is, 'Oh, we can do this. We can move through conflict.'"
"This is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to another human being."

323: How do 12-step programs connect to healthy relationships? (ft. Mark Wilde) Aug 23, 2024

"When I was at my worst, I didn’t know there was a way out."

Sometimes in life we get stuck. We don't know how to deal with big feelings, so we self-medicate -- with alcohol, or porn, or weed, or food.

But often the self-medication gets in the way of things we really want -- love; intimacy; healthy, connected sex; joy.

You may think of 12-step programs as solely for alcoholics, but they're far mroe comprehensive. There are programs for porn addiction, codependency in relationship, sex & love addiction, and for those who are loved ones of an addict (or adult children of parents who were addicts).*

Addiction and recovery profoundly affect your sex and love life, and here, speaker and 12-step mentor Mark Wilde delves into his own story, and how his journey has positively impacted his marriage.

In his words, as he grew and healed and learned to lead: "When I became more vulnerable and expressive, I had reciprocation and energy from her that I’d not experienced before ... our relationship began to ascend dramatically."

If you want to feel inspired and uplifted, listen on.

*These groups are: Codependents Anonymous (CODA), Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA), Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), Al-Anon (for the loved ones of those who struggle with addiction).

---

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Ready to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 1 slot left.

Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.

To sign up or learn more, go here.

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

"My parents passed away, my marriage ended, and it got bad."
"Alcohol became a solution to deep-seated issues that had carried on since childhood."
“I still felt myself wearing lots of masks and building up lots of walls.”
“How am I going to placate and keep the peace and make her happy?"
“When I did work with my body, I felt the unlocking of everything.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

What Happened to You?

322: 5 ways to polarize a powerful woman (ft. Jason Lange) [Replay] Aug 16, 2024

Has your woman ever been in her masculine, and you wished she was in her feminine? Here's something that doesn't work: "Hey, could you drop into your feminine already?" ;)

So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.

I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."

The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.

Here we lay out five practical ways to polarize a woman partner into her feminine, helping her to drop into her heart and soften. If you've ever wondered why certain evenings with your wife or girlfriend were magical, while others felt like pulling teeth, this may help.

And if you're a man who has sex with women and you want to help your woman soften, receive more of your love, and relax into even deeper levels of trust, this one is for you.

Quick note: We talk about this on the podcast and wanted to include it here: If you suspect your partner may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (i.e. nothing you do ever seems to make a difference with her), polarity work won't cut it.

You may also want to listen to our episode on that subject: 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder.

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321: 'I’m afraid to show interest until I’m willing to commit' (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 09, 2024

Have you ever been concerned about getting involved with a woman because you didn't want to hurt her feelings if it didn't work out?

Ever felt like you shouldn't go deeper emotionally with a woman you were dating because you weren't sure you wanted to put a ring on it?

Does it ever feel like all women want a long-term, committed relationship, so if you're not available for that, you're somehow doing something wrong?

The fact is, sex, dating and relationships are complex. There are a lot of possibilities, and the best kind of relationships are the ones that feel good to both parties.

Here, we explore how to date ethically, share what you're available for, and how to be aware of what's underneath your fear of upsetting a woman. We also outline the immense value of short- and medium-term relationships, and what some women really want when it comes to those.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“There are a LOT of men who have so much care and concern, it causes them to not fully engage.”
“I’m here for this; let’s see what’s here.”
“You cannot be in relationship with someone and never hurt them.”
“A successful relationship doesn’t always mean life partnership.”
“Experience is always more valuable than theory.”

320: From breakdown to breakthrough: how to recover from trauma (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 02, 2024

If you’ve become aware that you experienced developmental trauma (and/or attachment wounding), you may wonder how to heal from it.

Where do you go to move through stuck parts of yourself that are holding you back? How do you get things moving and release blocks so you can finally get what you want in sex, dating, and relationships?

Jason was a self-proclaimed late bloomer Nice Guy with developmental trauma — he had sex for the first time at 26, and still had a lot to learn around dating. Plus, he was often numb and felt like life was sort of happening to him. He wanted more, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he went to a men’s work workshop where a mentor took just twenty minutes to get him to a place he hadn’t touched in 3 full years of talk therapy.

It was transformational.

(And now he’s married to a beautiful, self-aware, radiant woman with whom he has a thriving relationship.)

Here’s the story of how he got there — and how you can, too

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Ready to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 5 slots left.

Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.

To sign up or learn more, go here.

319: 'My relationship is war.' (What do I do?) (Ft. Jason Lange) Jul 26, 2024

Ever felt like when it comes to your relationship, you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or that when you come home, you don't know what (or who) you're going to get? Or that every moment is, "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?"

Reality check: It is not normal to be constantly on guard or anxious in your relationship. That kind of chronic anxiety is highly dysregulating -- and yet it's the "norm" for many of the men with whom we work. Whether they're in sexless marriages, struggle with overwhelming anxiety in dating, or yearn for more closeness with their partners, they're suffering. Are you?

Here we discuss the difference between an unhealthy and healthy love relationship. A healthy love relationship is one in which the relationship GIVES you evergy, rather than draining it from you. Or as we put it, “It’s not a healthy relationship if it requires you to abandon yourself over and over.”

And: “Our relationship should co-regulate us, not dysregulate us.”

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“There’s a sense, if I don’t keep making my partner OK, they won’t make it.”
“We definitely see the toxic loyalty play out with Nice Guys.”
“I’ve got to pay attention to survive here.”
“Being with you in our dynamic is actually causing me self-harm. I’m hurting myself just being in relationship with you.”
“Most importantly, I feel safe with you.”
“Your relationship becomes a generator!”

---

Other episodes related to this one:

Episode 106: What does it mean to 'do the work'?
Episode 196: Are you a child of neglect?

318: GirlTalk: Role play in sex. What's it like!? Jul 19, 2024

Ever wanted to explore role-play in sex? If so, you're not alone! According to research, one in three people in North America alone wants to try some kind of role-play in the bedroom, whether that's doctor/patient, professor/student, cop/detainee, pirate/wench or some other sexy dynamic.

Why is sexual role-play so intriguing? Is it different from kink/BDSM? How do you bring it up in a fun and respectful way with a partner? What are your hesitations, and what might your partner's hesitations be? And what's your pleasure? What would you want to explore?

Here we delve into all of it: sexual taboos, our own personal experiences with role-play, how to talk about sexual role-play with a partner, and more.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"We had both had experiences of being in shut-down sexual relationships."
“I don’t want to be the director; I want to be the actress."
"These aspects of our psyche are more than just entertainment."
"Relationships can evolve."
"It’s a basket of possibiities!"

317: What exactly IS codependency? (How do you know if you’re codependent?) (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 12, 2024

"It felt kind of like a trap, but at the same time felt like a soothing warm blanket to feel safe and ruminate within."

"The codependent relationship is filled with drama. There is blaming, a victim and the rescuer/protector. That rescuer is filled with needing to be needed. That’s where it began for me."

"It was years of trying as hard as I could to make things better but never being good enough to matter how hard I tried."

The word "codependence" gets thrown around a lot, but it's not always clear what it means. How do you know if you're codependent? How do you know if your partner is codependent? Can one person be codependent while the other isn't?

Here we delve into our own personal experiences of codependency, as well as the experiences of some of our clients. We aim to provide clarity on codependent dynamics and how to overcome them.

In Jason's words, "Too many men stay in a place of perpetual suffering." If your love relationships have never felt quite right -- if they've always felt off, or you've felt like you were just taking care of your partner (she couldn't take care of herself), or you've never felt like you could get it right with your partner (nothing was ever enough), this will be relevant for you.

A lot of the men we work with are aching for MORE, and I just want to say -- that's available. You don't have to stay stuck. Growth is always possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“We’re deeply entwined with each other where there’s almost no agency or independence.”
“While the relationship was ‘safe’, we were both suffering deeply inside.”
“As long as my partner was approving of me, there was a sense of, ‘I’m OK.’”
“There was a fear — if I’m not with her, I’ll be alone.”

316: Where do you find quality masculine role models? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Jul 05, 2024

Did you have a deeply present, emotionally aware father who took the time to attune to you and teach you how to be a trustworthy, integrated man?

If so, you're in the minority. ;) Most of our clients had far-less-than-ideal role models when it came to the masculine -- which makes becoming a trustable adult man challenging.

For example, do you feel equipped to lead hard conversations with your woman partner, and help the two of you navigate repair? Are you able to stand up for yourself in a deep, grounded way without getting defensive or shutting down? Did you ever see any of those things role-modeled in your family of origin?

The fact is, we learn how to be in the world from our caregivers. If you were raised by people who were abusive, alcoholics, neglectful, or just not emotionally attuned to you, then there are gaps in your understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.

If you're someone who wants to grow beyond how he was raised -- this one is for you.

Themes from this episode:

The impact of having an emotionally volatile dad vs. absent/passive dad
If you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable -- how do you act instead?
How do you reclaim your manhood if you grew up with women who badmouthed men? (i.e. "Don't be like your father")
The power of men's work

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

315: What happens once you’ve recovered from Nice Guy Syndrome? (ft. Dr. Robert Glover) Jun 28, 2024

There's a lot out there about Nice Guy Syndrome. But what happens after? What is the magical land of Boundaries, for example?

If you’ve figured out you’re a Nice Guy, you’ve likely been in a love relationship or two (or five) where you felt like your partner walked all over you, or where you developed resentment after overextending yourself. Or perhaps you've consistently felt used in your relationships.

If you’ve ever had thoughts like, “When’s it going to be my turn? Why doesn’t she want to have sex with me?” or, “I’ve done so many good things, nobody should ever be mad at me.” — then you’re plenty familiar with Nice Guy Syndrome!

But what happens after you’ve recovered? What’s the dream? What happens once you’ve mastered things like asserting yourself, knowing what you want and need and how to speak up for it, and how to set healthy boundaries?

Here, Dr. Glover and I go through the before, during, and after states of Nice Guy Syndrome. It gets spicy in places, so get ready for a fun ride!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“Nobody ever taught me, ‘Say what’s on your mind.’ In my family, that was actually punished.”
“You begin to realize that a lot of the patterns in your life are triggered by unconscious toxic shame, and deep anxiety states.”
“In the process of having good guy friends, my love relationship has improved dramatically.”
“This is the most productive, satisfying year of my life.”
“We’re healing for humanity.”

314: Can microdosing help you develop better relationships? (ft. David Romero) Jun 21, 2024

Ever contended with anxiety, depression, chronic pain, ADHD, or OCD ... and had that affect your sex or love life?

Ever suspected that you have generational trauma, or thought you were broken?

Ever felt like there was something wrong with you because you just can't seem to get it together when it comes to relationships?

Spoiler alert: There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not broken. Sometimes we just all need some support to break through big blocks.

Here, I talk with David Romero, psychedelic integration coach, about how microdosing psilocybin can help human beings live fuller, richer lives -- including in relationship.

So-called "magic mushrooms" have huge potential when it comes to healing. And with all the stresses of modern life, we can use all the advantages we can get when it comes to helping us to have more regulated nervous systems, heal attachment issues, and overcome chronic pain.

If you've ever been curious about microdosing psilocybin as a therapeutic modality, you won't want to miss this one.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"More often than not, the root causes of physical pain are deeply psychological."
"We’re byproducts of the stress that took place before we even arrived in this world."
"These things do amazing things because they help give you a different perspective."
"It allows us to take a step back from the crisis our mind is putting us into."
"I can confidently say it has made a profound impact on my life and my love relationship."

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

How to Change Your Mind -- mini-series on psychedelics used for healing, streaming on Netflix
Fantastic Fungi -- excellent documentary on mushrooms (psychedelic as well as other kinds), streaming on Netflix

313: GuyTalk: Life after being with a BPD partner (Borderline Personality Disorder) Jun 14, 2024

"I took responsibility for things that wasn’t mine to take."

So begins the brave stories of four men who share their personal experiences of what it was like being in relationship with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (or with traits of it).

If you've ever been unsure about whether your partner may have traits of BPD, this is a good one to listen to. For example, ever felt like your role in your relationship is solely that of a caretaker? In one man's words, "I felt like a caregiver and she was my responsibility."

Thrillingly, this episode is about more than just the intensity of being in an unhealthy relationship. It's also the story of freedom, expansion, and joy. It's how these men got out, and the brightness, love, and peace that's possible on the other side.

In one man's words, a turning point was interacting with someone who treated him with kindness and respect: "It was a healing moment and I began to imagine a different life for myself."

What does it take to get out of an unhealthy relationship? What is life like after you do personal growth work and heal? Sex, dating, and relationships are complex, and here we delve into all the dynamics at play from beginning to end.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“Anything I shared about myself was eventually used against me, and sometimes in cruel ways.”
“My life in the relationship was like being on a rollercoaster with no safety harness.”
“My self-worth started to come back, and that’s what made me think, ‘What am I doing in this situation?’”
“In my current relationship, I feel grounded, safe and loved. It’s a world of difference.”
“Now life is pretty fucking great.”

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Other resources mentioned on this episode:

National Domestic Violence hotline (includes a live chat feature, if you don't want to get on the phone yet): TheHotline
Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
Dear men episode 289: Do Nice Guys attract volatile women?

312: GirlTalk: How much money do you make, and how much does that matter? Jun 07, 2024

Have you ever felt like you needed to make a lot of money to impress women?

Ever had a dynamic shift around money in a relationship, and not known how to deal with it (for example, she starts making more than you, and you have unexpected feelings about that)?

Have you wondered who should pay on a date (do you offer to? Is that considered sexist now?)

If you've wanted to be a fly on the wall and hear the unvarnished truth about how women feel about men, money, and masculinity, then this one's for you! Of course we don't represent all women, but you'll likely appreciate the diversity of perspectives. Get ready for vulnerability, depth, and some good laughs along the way.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

311: What does it really mean to be emotionally available? (ft. Violet Lange) May 31, 2024

Ever chased emotionally unavailable women? Ever dropped a connection because you felt overwhelmed, or like something was "off" but you couldn't quite name what it was? Ever been uncomfortable with the "mess" of dealing with someone else's emotions, or been hesitant to share your own out of a fear of rocking the boat? Then this episode will resonate.

Here we talk directly about avoidant attachment traits -- including what they've been like for us personally. For example, finding something small but unappealing about someone (like what kind of shoes they wear), and having that get in the way of relationship.

We do this to bring these patterns to light, so that we can learn to work with them. When it comes to the different attachment styles, including anxious, avoidant, and anxious/avoidant (aka disorganized attachment), we also want to be clear that we can always move towards secure attachment, and that learning and growth are more than possible.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

310: How do I initiate sex without coming off as demanding? (ft. me) May 24, 2024

Sexy time, pickers, and dating, oh my! Here I answer the following three common client or listener questions:

"I’ve heard women say it’s a red flag if the man has not had relationship experience. What do you say?"
"One issue I've had is selecting the right female partner. What is a good way to guide myself to go about doing this?" (My picker is off)
"How do I initiate sex without coming off as demanding? I come from a relationship where I think I pressured her into sex, or I wrongly felt sex was owed to me … how can I now be bold in initiation without coming across as pressuring?"

---

I want to give a shoutout to the men who asked these questions. It's brave to put yourself out there and ask about what you really want to know.

Got a question you want me to cover? Hit me up at dearmen at gmail.com.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

309: How do you know when it's time to get a divorce? (ft. Jason Lange) May 17, 2024

When is it time to stay and work on things in your marriage, and when is it time to let things go? Perhaps you can relate to scenarios like these:

You're worn out and exhausted because you're always the one reaching out to your wife and never getting anything back
You're great co-parents but your sex life is DOA
As a couple you rarely or never openly fight, but there's constant, underlying tension
You feel like you can never get it right with her, and often feel hopeless about experiencing the intimacy you so deeply crave

---

The truth is, sometimes it's clear that a relationship isn't working, but sometimes it isn't. If you're unsure and trying to figure it out on your own, you're not alone.

Many of our clients have been through the muck and confusion of trying to figure out their marriage, and here they share the depth of their hearts in that process.

Both marriage and divorce can be sources of great pain, shame, and longing. They can also be sources of transformation, spiritual growth, awakening, and freedom.

Here we delve into what to do when you don't yet have clarity around your marriage. We also touch on what it takes to improve your relationship, and how to make the determination with as much grace as possible.

And remember: "There can absolutely be miraculous turnarounds in relationships when both partners are committed and willing."

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"It’s very easy for men to fall into a place of isolation in life."
"If one person is not willing to step into the growth, there’s not much you can do."
"I keep inviting my partner into that and she’s unwilling."
"Sometimes the greatest act of leadership is to stop tolerating mediocrity."
"When there’s a vibrant, passionate sexual connection between the couple, it lights up the whole family system."

308: Are you staying together for the kids? There may be another way to go. (ft. Jason Lange) May 10, 2024

If your marriage isn't working, you're suffering. Maybe you're fighting all the time (whether aloud or not). Maybe you're great co-parents, but you don't connect in an intimate way anymore. And when I say "intimate" I'm not just talking about sex; I'm talking about warmth, closeness, and connection.

Should you automatically stay in a relationship because there are children involved?

The fact is, kids are perceptive and intuitive. They're aware when there's distance or discord between parents, even if they don't talk about it. And whatever you're doing in your relationship, you're role-modeling what a romantic relationship is. Is yours one you'd want your kids to have?

Here, we go over "making it work" and relationship dynamics that do affect the kids -- and not in a good way. Sometimes it's possible to repair a marriage, and sometimes it's not. Put more frankly, sometimes the best thing to do is to separate for both you and the kids.

Growth always requires getting uncomfortable, and if you want your family to truly thrive, sometimes delving head-on into discomfort is the brave and loving thing to do.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old, often intergenerational trauma patterns, and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

307: What's the difference between feminine storm and feminine rage? (ft. Shana James) May 03, 2024

Have you ever been scared of your wife / woman partner? Ever been harmed by her? If yes, it's likely you never felt like you could talk to anyone about it because you were afraid of what they would say, or whether they would shame you.

In polarity work, we often talk about feminine storm. But where's the line between feminine storm, feminine rage, and abuse? We want to break the silence and go into this.

According to the CDC, one in seven men in the U.S. has suffered severe physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner. But physical violence isn't the only thing that can happen; emotional abuse is also deeply harmful, and very common for some of our clients.

The truth is, there is a way to work with strong emotions without harming a partner. Here, we, as two women who are attracted to men, share our own personal stories of the difference between our feminine storm and our feminine rage. Healthy relationships are predicated on being able to handle conflict well, and that's a skill many of us still need help with.

We also help you know: As a man, how do you know whether your partner is within the realm of normal -- if what you're going through is normal?

Know that it's always possible to recover from a toxic relationship, and that more is possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Allowing women to be emotional and have emotions like anger, rather than shutting down and being intellectual."
"Can we work this through together in our shared nervous system?"
"Many of us shove our anger inside and then we’re tense and anxious and depressed."
"It’s masterful to be able to feel an emotion, witness, and communicate about it."
"We’re sharing feelings, not dumping feelings."
"I want to blame you! I want to make you wrong!"

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Statistics on intimate partner abuse (aka domestic violence) against men
Domestic violence hotline for men
Borderline Personality Disorder

306: Boner shame! Let's talk about it. (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 26, 2024

"I’m getting a boner — what’s she going to think??"

So begins the conflict for a lot of boys and men have around their cock. From a young age -- basically from the time boners start to be a thing, "It’s like a lot of men are constantly tracking, ‘Am I having an erection and if I do, how do I hide it?’"

The thing is, hiding and secrets go hand-in-hand, and they generally don't go anywhere good. The fact is, especially during teenage years, boners aren't even always about turn-on. As one man put it, "NRBs are a thing!" (No Reason Boners).

We're on a streak here talking about how to overcome sexual shame (see what I did there?). Here we delve into the complex relationship many men have with their sexuality, and in particular to their erections.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. (We've worked with a lot of men who grew up LDS or with other religious backgrounds, so if that's you, we're here.)

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Our turn-on is visible from the outside."
“It’s like what my body is doing is wrong.”
"Men mocking men when they get hard creates a deep inner conflict."
"The antidote to shame is connection."
"Men having an erection is a sign of health."
"What that shame is teaching is us to be in opposition to what we are."
"‘If he gets a boner, he’s going to try to fu**.’"
"I have a choice in what to do with my sexuality."

305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming Apr 19, 2024

Did you grow up with a religious background? Then congrats, you likely experienced sexual shame! Perhaps you still do to this day.

The truth is, it's deeply confusing to grow up having completely natural sexual urges, but be told you're bad or wrong for having them. In the words of the panelists:

"For a long time I thought, 'What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this?'"
"I was taught, 'Don’t touch, don’t look, don’t think, don’t act.'"
"As a teenager I thought, 'I’m going to go to hell and there’s no way to get around it.'"

Here, a panel of four men, three of whom grew up in the Church of Latter-day Saints (LDS, aka the Mormon Church), and one who grew up Catholic/Christian, discuss their journey from religious programming to a more full, rich, and healthy sexual expression in the world.

But it doesn't stop with healthy sex. Because one of the effects of feeling blocked, ashamed, or perverted for having natural sexual desires is that you tend to have a lot of trouble relating with those with whom you want to have sex.

This begs the questions: What is healthy sex and sexuality? What is healthy connection? According to one married man, "It took us 32 years of our marriage to be able to unravel and untwist this trauma."

Religious deconstruction from LDS and other religions is real, and it's doable. You can overcome sexual shame, religious indoctrination, and more.

If you want to go from being afraid to connect with women to having the healthiest relationship of your life, listen on.

If you're looking for inspiration, hope, and dare I say an experience of transcendence, listen on.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. (We've worked with a lot of men who grew up LDS or with other religious backgrounds, so if that's you, we're here.)

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"As a child, we were taught that sex-related sins were worse than murder."
"I grew up with a daily sense of guilt and shame, and, 'I’m so dirty or gross, why would they want me?'"
“I felt like God set me up to fail.”
"The sexual experiences I’ve had since my divorce have been unbelievably healing for me."
“The more we talk about it, we expand ourselves and it does something in our own nervous system.”
“Now I can find some freedom in it. It’s OK to have sexual needs.”
"I’m horny as hell and excited to have a fun Friday night!"

304: What happens if you or your partner needs space? (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 12, 2024

"Needing space within a love relationship is crucial for maintaining my identity ... It’s not merely about taking a break; it’s about preserving a sense of self that can slowly wither in the absence of such space."

So says one of our clients, eloquently speaking to the need and also the cost of not getting space when it's required.

Here we discuss both sides of the need for space -- what it's like to need it (and how to ask for it), as well as what it's like when a partner names that need. It can be confronting or even scary when a partner needs space, especially if we have a fear of abandonment. We delve into this, and how to reframe giving space as an act of love (it's said that space is the sixth love language).

We also touch on the fact that some people know when they need space, while others aren't even necessarily aware that that's what they're needing; they just know something is missing, or that they feel lackluster.

Romantic relationships tend to have certain unwritten or unspoken rules or norms, and one of my goals is to bring these into the light. I want to facilitate conscious relationship, and meta conversations (meaning talking about how we relate to one another). I hope this one sparks something in you, and look forward to hearing about it. You can always get me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"It was hard for me to ask for space because I felt like I’d be hurting her."
"Having a space of no demand on our attention is deeply restorative."
"They have no space for themselves and wonder why they’re not feeling alive."
"What do we want the culture and the values of our relationship to be?"
"I trust that you’ll come back."

303: 'Boys have as rich an inner life as girls do.' (ft. Nat Damon of Reach Academy for Young Men)) Apr 05, 2024

When you were a boy, did you feel comfortable being your full self?

Did you feel at ease around becoming a man -- like you knew what that meant and smoothly moved into that identity?

We live in a world where boys and young men often feel like it's not safe to be themselves, and where it can be confusing to grow into manhood.

According to Nat Damon, who runs Reach Academy for Young Men, "what boys need is to be seen and heard." And for boys who need healthy role models in terms of what it means to be a mature, healthy man, places like Reach are lifelines.

Reach Academy gives boys a place to learn, grow, express themselves, bond with peers, and learn about leadership in a grounded way. Mentors there ask themselves questions like, "How can we help them to see the positive elements of being a man, while at the same time addressing the roots of toxic masculinity?" And, "How do you create a hope-filled atmosphere?"

It's more important than ever to have places where people who identify as boys and young men can take the pressure off. Where they can get attuned support, and experience healthy leadership. And where they can be witnessed in whatever it is they're going through.

If you're raising a son or sons, or if you have someone who identifies as a boy or young man in your life, you won't want to miss this.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Boys are growing up feeling more self-conscious and seeking more ways to escape the judgment put on them."
"Being a mature man is this ability to be listen and be non-judgmental."
"Being interested in other people is fundamental to leadership."
"The topic of loneliness is something that we’re trying to address head-on."
"We were able to exhale."

Mentioned on this episode:

Reach Academy: reachyoungmen.org

302: 'I ask for stories about the sex that changed you.' (ft. Carly, creator of Aurore) Mar 29, 2024

What if you could read about the sex that affected someone so profoundly they were never the same? What if you wrote about the sex that changed you in that way?

If you're turned on by audio porn, ASMR, or sexy stories (either reading them or them being read to you), you're not alone. While we seem to be fixated on men being obsessed with visual porn, according to research nearly one in three listeners of erotic audiobooks are men. According to another poll, men now account for 18% of romance readers.

This is a good thing for several reasons, including the fact that so much romance is written by women. If you're a man who's attracted to women and want to know what gets them hot, reading or listening to erotica makes a lot of sense! Bonus: It's likely to get you going as well.

Here I interview Carly, creator of Aurore, a collection of literary erotica. The twist? All the tales are true. In Carly's words, "These are stories mostly written by women about what turns them on and what gets them off."

Intrigued? Listen on.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“In each city in Europe, I decided to go on Tinder and interview people about sex.”
“I wanted him, but first I had to leave the marriage that I was languishing in, bored and ignored.”
“Even though I loved reading erotica, I was turned off by the aspects that weren’t relatable.”
“We women were having interesting sex, and were profoundly affected by a lot of the relationships we had.”
“Write your own story; that’s the only one you can truly tell.”
“I find that writing this kind of real erotica is a lot like therapy.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Aurore: readaurore.com

301: What's the difference between therapy and coaching? (ft. Jason Lange) Mar 22, 2024

"As men, it often feels like we should just know how to succeed in a relationship, how to be great in bed, how to be successful in life, all under the counterintuitive expectation that we figure it all out on our own and never ask for help."

Part of our my intention with this podcast is to help men succeed in sex, dating, and relationships with women. And a large part of the gap that I seek to fill is due to exactly what this client of ours shared -- the unfair and often unnamed expectation that men should "just know."

You shouldn't! It's totally normal to not know. And in my opinion (and that of most of the women I know), the most mature, healthiest, and sexiest men are the ones who are leaning into learning.

In the learning and growth process, you're likely to come across both therapy and coaching. They're similar but not the same, and it's an art to know when you need which.

Many of the men with whom we've worked have experienced both therapy and coaching, and I polled them before this recording so I could include their lived experiences. Here, we go over the differences between them, and share some real-world examples.

Whether you're working on your sex, dating, and relationship life, or becoming stable during or after a period of anxiety and depression, there's something for you here.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I couldn’t take certain forward-facing actions because I had these wounds from my past.”
“I might always have some of these old injuries or tender spots, so how do I move forward working with that?”
“Coaching in the community normalizes my experiences instead of isolating them to ‘it must just be me.’”
“I needed both, and one is not better than the other.”

300: What's it like to do MDMA therapy with your wife? (ft. Lucas) Mar 15, 2024

A lot of our clients crave more intimacy or closeness with their wife/relationship partner. Often this includes a longing, or a sense of something missing. As Lucas, our guest here, put it, "The feeling I recall most strongly was a sense of loneliness."

Have you ever felt lonely in your relationship? If you’ve wished you and your partner were closer, or yearned for a breakthrough but didn’t know quite how to get there, you’re going to want to listen to this.

Psychedelics like MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin (the active component in magic mushrooms) are in the process of being re-legalized. And for good reason —they have incredible potential when it comes to alleviating suffering and boosting connection. Paired with quality guides (the right mentors or therapists), they can help us gain a deeper sense of love, trust, and belonging in the world.

But it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Doing medicine (which is how we phrase it, rather than “doing drugs”) is only truly responsible when it’s combined with quality inner growth work. One of Lucas's realizations, for example, was "I was the source of some of my own pain." While in a way upsetting, this was also liberating, because it meant he had control over addressing the pain. "It was a letting go of my conviction that I was right, and being open to something new."

It's worth noting, as well, that these kinds of therapies don't have to be reserved for relationship distress. As Lucas put it, he and his wife sensed "There's an opportunity for even more for us."

So: Can you use MDMA therapy to deepen love with your wife, regardless of where you're at in terms of level of fulfillment already? Yes. Listen to hear more.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"My need to be loved by my wife was preventing her from loving me the way she wanted to love me."
"She was aware of a certain graspiness from me."
"What kind of life could I live if I were never afraid of being alone?"
"I didn't feel a sense of, 'I need to solve this right now' or 'I'm a bad person for having done this.'"
"Suddenly everything came into play because we'd touched on the scariest thing."
"It was really meaningful to feel her move towards me."
"The difference is that now it feels really good to do the work together."

299: Matchmaking: Is it still relevant? (ft. Anika Rashaun) Mar 08, 2024

Would you ever consider using a matchmaker? In a world of dating apps (and let's be real -- those are rough for a LOT of people!), not to mention a whole lotta ghosting, matchmaking is an appealing notion for many.

Plus, matchmakers play a unique role in that they speak to both parties, before and after dates. They're able, therefore, to give people honest feedback about how they're coming across, and help them make adjustments.

Here I chat with Anika, a matchmaker for Three Day Rule, about how we can all get more honest in dating. We also talk about how men and women differ when it comes to their must-haves and dealbreakers -- as someone who has spoken to hundreds if not thousands of people by now, that's actually quite interesting. She also shares some memorable matches she has made over the years. This is a sweet one!

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"There are women who wonder why they’re not being approached, but they don’t have an approachable aura."
"Success means different things to different people."
"Dating really is a numbers game … the more conversations you have, the higher chance you’re going to find someone you want to move forward with."
"Some people have told me, 'I’ve gotten deeper with you than I’ve gotten with my therapist.'"

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Anika's site: askanika.com
Anika's Instagram: @nikarashaun

298: Becoming skillful at sexual communication -- let's talk about it. (ft. Kristen Carney of Ask Women) Mar 01, 2024

This episode is pulled from the podcast Ask Women, where I myself was the guest! We delve into my sex research here, in which I asked over 1,065 women about the men who were best in bed.

But this isn't just about finding the clit. It's a deeper conversation about how to talk about difficult subjects. Why is hard to talk about what we actually like or want in sex? Why is it so hard for a woman to tell a man that something isn't working sexually? It's actually the same reason it's hard to tell a colleague that something they do bothers you.

If you want a woman to open to you sexually, and make sex great for her (whether you're dating someone or in a committed relationship), it's helpful to know how to set things up. Among other things, you want to know how ask the right questions in the right way. And it's always helpful to hear from women themselves about what they crave, what delights them, what turns them on, and what works for their specific body. Learning to be skillful in asking is part of becoming the unstoppable, sexually empowered divine masculine.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I was like ... what?!"
"Sex is important to human beings."
"I almost feel like telling a man the sex isn't good is a mortal sin."
"He played me like a fine instrument."

297: The problems with polarity (ft. Jason Lange) Feb 23, 2024

Polarity can help you have a hot sex & dating life, not to mention a stronger love relationship overall. And like many things in life, it's not a perfect concept; there are issues with it.

"In what ways have you found polarity to be useful in your sex and relationship life? In what ways have you found it to be off or problematic?"

I posed these questions to our clients in an effort to help shine a light on the problems with polarity. I believe polarity can be hugely helpful in understanding sexual attraction and heat, as well as trust and fulfillment, in both short- and long-term relationships. I also believe it can help us understand ourselves better as human beings in our own rights, not just in interpersonal dynamics.

Becoming skillful with polarity is a valuable goal, and including its flaws in the conversation is important. Here we delve into what we see as the top three problems with polarity, and how to use it as a force of good in sex, dating, and relationships.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Alpha is often observing and omega is being observed."
"Things can be in opposition without being in conflict."
"Polarity is not an excuse for abusive behavior."

---

Other helpful episodes on polarity:

296: What does it actually mean to step into your power? (ft. Jason Lange) Feb 16, 2024

As a woman, I sometimes feel like saying to all the Nice Guys out there: We need you!

We need you on the court, in the game, on the field of Life. We need you not just as romantic partners (though we do desperately want you there), but as fathers, as colleagues, as teammates.

And we need you to be in your power. We need you to be able to speak up for yourself, to tell use the truth (even if it's uncomfortable), to come towards us sexually, to set healthy boundaries. We need your full self.

If you identify as a Nice Guy, it's likely that you're working on stepping into your power. And we want to support you in that. Here, we don't just talk about what it means to step into your power, but share success stories of men we've worked with who've gone from feeling disempowered/unable to take up space ... to asserting themselves in healthy and deeply satisfying ways.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"When I’ve been out of my power, it’s when I’ve lost connection to myself."
"It was easier to just let her control everything, and not assert much agency, let alone power. This worked for a while, but eventually blew up in my face."
"I’m happy to interrupt people now (in a way I did not used to)."
"I often used to fall into others people’s desires or wants."
"In relationship it’s, 'Here’s my truth, what’s your truth, and then how can we empower each other?'"
---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Other episodes related to this one:

Episode 239: Realized I’m a "Nice Guy." Now what do I do about it?
Episode 6: From "Nice Guy" to Confident With Women & Married to a Goddess

295: Ever 'fallen into' a relationship? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Feb 09, 2024

Here's a pattern we've noticed in a lot of the men we work with:

They've never gone after the women they really wanted. As one man put it, "A lot of times the girls that I’ve attracted have come to me … and haven't been the most stable."

For some men, these dating relationships have even turned into marriages -- without the man necessarily wanting things to go that way. He has felt swept along by the current, often going along with what she wants rather than deeply considering his own wants and needs.

If a lot of the sexual or romantic relationships you've been in have been because a woman approached you, rather than you taking the lead, you might fall into this category. Or if you've been too intimidated or scared to pursue women you find really attractive, this could be you. (We also cover super-crushes here, which you may relate to.)

Fortunately there are things you can do to interrupt the pattern, and stand up for what you truly want. We've worked with countless clients who've learned how to stop being passive and become active agents in their own sex, dating, and relationship lives -- and it has absolutely changed the game.

Remember: It’s always possible to heal trauma, grow as a person, build community, and enjoy a thriving love and sex life. Listen on to hear more!

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I was getting hung up on partners that weren't really interested or available."
"There was this other thing going on is that the women that liked me, I didn't want. So I felt stuck."
"It turns out, it was me!"
"The hidden thing was that having a supercrush was very safe."
"I never actually had to confront my edges of intimacy."

294: How do I rebuild trust with a partner? (ft. me!) Feb 02, 2024

It's a solo episode! I pulled together some questions from clients or listeners, and go into depth on them.

Remember that you can always send me your question or questions -- just email me at dearmenpodcast@gmail.com. Everything is on the table, from sex and dating to relationships and repair. I want to hear from you!

Here are the questions I answer on this episode:

How do I rebuild trust with a partner after a rupture, or a lack of leading over time?
How do I date someone in the same friend group without it getting weird?
I went on a date with a woman and it went pretty well, but we didn't kiss at the end. I got the sense (especially in thinking back) that she wanted me to kiss her when we were outside waiting for her ride. It's tough because it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. How do I know when it's time to kiss her on a date??

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 238: How do I approach a woman at the gym? How do I approach a woman at work?

293: Give it to me whining! (Ft. Jason & Violet Lange) Jan 26, 2024

Does it feel exiting for your woman to be fully open with you, feel deeply cherished, and want to f*** your brains out?

Then you’re going to want to listen to this one.

You’re likely familiar with polarity — that sacred dance between alpha & omega. It’s a potent force that shows up in dating, sex, love relationships, and beyond (and helps explain the mystery of attraction).

But polarity also includes the 3 stages of relating. As we mature in relationships, we can graduate from stage 1 (we’re in rigidly-defined roles), to stage 2 (we talk through everything), to stage 3 — the topic of this episode.

Stage 3 relationships are cutting-edge. They go beyond societal norms. Stage 3 is exciting, pioneering, and embodied. And in Jason’s words, “it tends to *wake us up* as men.”

This kind of relating makes things sexy in relationship, and it also makes things deeply safe — if you know how to work it. The truth is, most omega partners deeply yearn to be fully, truly expressed, and in stage 3, that's the name of the game. In Jason's words, “Through your direction, you can invite expression.”

If you want to lead your woman in ways you’ve never even considered — if you want to provide a space within which she can both deeply relax and feel even more of her heart, and even soul, listen on.

Note: Credit to David Deida’s work on polarity and the stages of relationships.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I used to try to explain why what she was feeling was wrong.”
“I had so much resistance to the Hot Mess archetype because I was punished by my parents for being that.”
“In stage 2 it’s about wanting it to end — I want to release and get us back to peace. But in stage 3, it’s like, ‘Bring it all. Let’s ride this wave.’”
“Tell me that again, but like a hippo.”
“Once we welcome the expression of energy fully, it often resolves itself … you don’t have to do nearly as much as you think.”

292: Sex life with your wife not where you want it to be? This could be the culprit (ft. Violet & Jason Lange) [replay] Jan 19, 2024

If you want a thriving sex and relationship life, you'll benefit from knowing about polarity. Polarity, shorthand for the healthy dance between omega energy (aka feminine) and alpha energy (aka masculine), is both life-affirming and hot, whether it's in the context of dating or a long-term relationship.

In man/woman relationships, when a man embodies alpha and a woman embodies omega a good amount of the time (not all the time, but in certain key moments), the result is a thriving sex life.

But the opposite is also true -- when a woman is more in her alpha energy and a man is more in his omega, you can get "reverse polarity." This can, among other things, damage your sex life as a couple.

We see this a lot in our work, and explore the concept in more depth here. It may be a bit confronting to hear about the pattern in such detail, and it's important to keep in mind that nothing is fixed. Human beings, including couple and those in love relationships, can always grow.

Even if you're experiencing reverse polarity, you can both grow in different ways and generate polarity again. We can always expand our consciousness and capacity -- it just takes some work and sometimes some skilled guidance to get there. The good news? Figuring this out can lead to the most satisfying sex and connection of your life.

Note: The concept of polarity comes in part from David Deida's work, and in addition to reverse polarity, here we also delve into the concepts of first-, second-, and third-stage relationships.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

291: Want to get better at dating? Here are 3 ways to practice with women (ft. Violet Lange) Jan 12, 2024

As a client recently put it, where do you go to "scrimmage" with women? How and where do you practice relating, flirting, and connecting with the feminine? It can feel like the stakes are high once you're on an actual date (not to mention getting to sexy time and beyond).

Here we talk all about that! We cover communities where relating (and practicing relating authentically) is the name of the game. We give you concrete suggestions on where to go during your week to get practice in with women, as well as what kinds of events to prioritize.

This is doable. You can join communities where there's a regular partner practice, find spots where women are but someone else sets the container so you can focus on relating to her, and more. We want to support and encourage healthy relationships, and practice around dating can help. It's the new year -- LFG!

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes

"Online dating can be crushing."
"Structure in your life can lead to other structures."
"Half my female clients meet their partners in real life."
"Creating a structure in your week where there are opportunities to be around new women can be a game-changer."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Violet's program: Radiant Love
Jaiya's community work with the erotic blueprints
Londin Angel Winters & Justin Patrick Pierce's work

290: Teaching healthy masculinity in schools! The Inspiring Men Project (ft. Scott Kaltenbaugh) Jan 05, 2024

When you were growing up, did you have a host of great role models when it came to how to be a good man?

No, probably not. The vast majority of men with whom we work lacked solid role models for healthy masculinity, both at home and at school. This damaged their ability to succeed in dating, relationships, and sex, and led to a lot of suffering.

Scott Kaltenbaugh is working to change that. He's in the school system working in the classroom as well as doing one-on-one mentorship with boys and young men. The goal is to teach them how to be "a calm but assured version of masculinity."

But how do you do that? What do you teach, and how do you describe what it is to wield power? Listen for a fascinating view into an inspiring potential future for us as a culture. (Also, if you have sons or may have sons in the future, this one will be of particular interest to you.)

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I was starting to see so much toxic masculinity I started to devalue my own masculinity.”
“These boys don’t get shown possibilities — it’s just, ‘Don’t be these things.’”
“I started to see how much harm our boys are facing.”
“I can’t control what the world does to me, but I can control how I meet that.”
“Emotion are tools. They’re important.”
“Power is our ability to meet and shape the world around us.”
“Sometimes it’s important to bond shoulder-to-shoulder; sometimes it’s important to bond face-to-face.”

---

Mentioned on the episode

Scott's program, the Inspiring Men Project, and his own site
This is Your Moment (program to stop rape)
RAINN (Rape & Incest National Network) -- free, confidential chat-based support for anyone who has experience any form of sexual assault
Sacred Sonz -- virtual and in-person support for boys and teens

289: Do Nice Guys tend to attract volatile women? (ft. Jason Lange) Dec 29, 2023

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like it started off GREAT, but over time it became really hard? Ever felt like you had electric sex with someone, especially at the beginning, but then you were often put in the doghouse for doing something "wrong," and that eventually you ended up constantly walking on eggshells to try not to trigger your partner? Then you'll likely resonate with this episode.

If you're someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you've ended up with.

In our work with men we've often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around ... and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows.

Fortunately, we've also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes:

“One of the hallmark traits of Nice Guys is overextending.”
“It’s often the volatile person’s nervous system that gets centered.”
“If you don’t see reality their way, you’re the enemy.”
“There’s a fear that if I end this, I’m going to be alone."
“At an early age, the Nice Guy had to regulate one of his parents, or the family system itself.”
“Maybe me speaking up isn’t aggressive.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 239: Just realized I'm a nice guy. Now what?
Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

288: GuyTalk: What dating is like after getting divorced Dec 22, 2023

Divorce is a complex and often sensitive topic. For many, there are questions of success and failure, grief and loss, as well as the question of what we’re role-modeling to our children.

Questions can come up like, “Is it honoring of myself to stay in this relationship? Should I stay because I made a vow, even if it sacrifices my well-being? And if we do get divorced, will I ever find another partner?”

Here, three men reveal their truth around their process of getting divorced, as well as their experiences dating, having sex, and getting into new relationships post-divorce.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I didn’t feel safe to voice my needs with my partner.”
“I felt like my identity was being snuffed out in my marriage.”
“It was a deep-dive back into my passions.”
“Am I worthy? Will a quality woman say yes to this?”
“We’re both doing work and we support each other.”

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

287: GirlTalk: The either/or conundrum in sex, dating, and relationships Dec 15, 2023

This episode is kinda edgy! Here we (a small group of women who are attracted to men) give you a peek behind the curtain in terms of what we really crave from the masculine. The thing we rarely outline so starkly.

The truth is, many of us human beings limit ourselves when it comes to having it all. We think we can either have a job we like, or one that pays us well ... we can either settle down and become 'boring,' or have an exciting life without stability.

This pattern of thinking is especially obvious when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. A lot of people struggle with believing they can have a partner who is BOTH one thing and another thing. And for women who are attracted to men, that is frequently: I want to feel claimed/ravaged AND respected/cherished.

There's more to it than that, and here we get down and dirty with it. Listen on for insight into the light and dark masculine, fuckboys at Da Club, the shame we hold around this pattern, and how to embody everything a woman yearns for.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men Episode 269: The heart/cock matrix

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I can either have fun … or be married.”
“I liked the feeling of being respected, but I didn’t feel juicy.”
“This is the best sex that I’ve ever had with anybody.”
“I could trust that he would show up, and see parts of me that I wasn’t necessarily proud of.”
“It’s not something you do or say. It’s a vibe!”

286: How do I “do” dating apps well? (so I don’t get discouraged) (ft. Jason Lange) Dec 08, 2023

Online dating can be hard! As a hetero man on the apps, you're statistically likely to get far fewer matches than a hetero woman. If you're on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, eHarmony, Match, MeetMindful, and/or OKCupid and you're not finding what you're looking for ... you're not alone.

Dating apps can be crazy-making -- for real! That said, online dating does NOT have to suck for you. We have 5 concrete tips for you to maintain your sanity and actually have a good experience.

These are things we've seen work for our clients, and they can work for you. Take a listen if you want more hot sex, dating, and relationships in your life.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"A lot of times we see men limiting themselves because they assume a woman won’t be open to a “less serious” relationship."
“Everybody is navigating different phases of life.”
“For it to be a successful relationship, it doesn’t have to last forever.”
“Turn the notifications off!”
"I have an ability to impact my life (vs. I feel like a victim).”
"When we’re doing the work, we’re getting our power back.”

285: Depression, Anxiety, and Nice Guy Syndrome (ft. Tony Endelman & Dr. Glover’s work) Dec 01, 2023

How do depression & anxiety intersect with sex & dating?

If you’re one of the millions of people who’ve experience anxiety, clinical depression, and/or dysthymia — low-grade, chronic depression — then you know how easy it is to spiral. When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, it can feel daunting to even get started. Negative self-talk abounds! This can be exacerbated if you identify with Nice Guy Syndrome.

The fact is, human beings (especially in the modern world) are prone to anxiety & depression. So how do you work on it and respectfully get laid at the same time?

Here, Toby Endelman, who collaborates closely with Dr. Glover (author of No More Mr. Nice Guy), discusses his own personal journey around overcoming depression, and practical steps you can take if you’re in the same boat.

This is a big subject and there are no quick fixes, but the important thing to know is that there *is* hope, and things can get better.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“My father’s passing really knocked me on my ass.”
“I grew up thinking I was deeply unattractive.”
“I couldn’t believe this woman was going out with me!”
“Changing my environment was a great start.”
“Every relationship is a choice, and you always have the choice to walk away.”
“You cannot do this work alone. We need other people to become who we are.”

284: Is cheating (including emotional affairs) correlated with Nice Guy Syndrome? (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 24, 2023

Cheating is both a sensitive and complex topic. It lies at the intersection of sexuality, betrayal, needs, wants, and power.

Here we explore something we've noticed in our work: the correlation we’ve witnessed between the pattern of cheating, and not being in your power as a man. We go over both the experience of cheating as well as being cheated on.

In Jason’s words, “One of the shadow sides of a lot of Nice Guys is tolerating not being treated well, and in a weird way this has partners treat them even worse.”

To be clear, cheating is wrong and causes harm, and we are not condoning it. What we are doing is discussing questions like:

What happens when your needs aren’t met in a relationship?

How do you handle feeling stuck when it comes to sex and relationship?

Whether you're dating or in a committed partnership, how do you effectively communicate with a partner when were never taught how to do so?

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I wasn’t taught to attune to myself, or advocate for myself.”
‘“Life just happening to us’ (as Nice Guys) vs. ‘I have the power to impact my life.’”
“Confrontational tolerance is critical.”
“It tends to bring guys alive.”

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 128: Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
Dear Men episode 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything -- this is the one I reference, where we talk about emotional neglect
250: How do you re-polarize a relationship (bring back the spark)? ft. Jason Lange -- this one explores the concept of polarity as well as reverse polarity

283: How to go from stuck ... to unstuck ... to THRIVING (ft. Brian Johnson of Heroic) Nov 17, 2023

"What should I do with my life?"

It's a question most of us ask ourselves (sometimes on repeat!), and one many of us could use more guidance around.

Knowing the answer matters for several reasons, and one is that it naturally generates polarity with a partner. In sex, dating, and relationships, you, as a man, will polarize women far more when you know who you are and what you're about. It will bring you energy and give you direction, which is naturally polarizing.

But how the hell do you figure it out?! It isn't always easy. Enter Brian Johnson, who has worked with elite athletes, Navy SEALs, the CEO of Whole Foods, Phil Stutz (psychiatrist to the stars), and thousands more. He's successful, driven, and very passionate about helping everyone know how to answer the question, and go from stuck to unstuck to thriving.

Traditional sex and relationship advice won't cover this, but if you want women to desire you on a deep level -- sexually as well as in a relationship -- this isn't one to miss.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"You’re supposed to enter the forest at the darkest spot, and sometimes Life throws you into that spot."
"It’s laser tag; do I really need instructions??"
"The most elite performers in the world have the most coaches."
"Love is the hero’s secret weapon."
“Action drives creativity.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Brian's book: Areté

282: Anal sex! Yep, we’re talkin’ about it. (ft. Sara) Nov 10, 2023

Ever wanted to explore the dark side of the moon? ;) If you've ever been curious about anal sex -- or enjoy it already and want to hear what others have to say -- this one's for you.

Here we hear from one woman who really enjoys anal, and another who hasn’t had great experiences with it (yet). We also talk a lot about how to open up a conversation with your partner about it (i.e. how do you say, "I'd like to try anal sex. Would you?"). And we cover the shame that can be inherent in wanting to try a new sex act, whether that's anal sex or something else.

Anal sex isn’t just for women, either! We also discuss men who enjoy receiving anal stimulation, whether that's anal sex or prostrate massage. Yay, healthy, connected sex and pleasure!

Mentioned on this episode:

Please Her in Bed, my streaming course on sex
Maude, the sexual intimacy company with the awesome lube

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Everybody's got an anus."
"Pussy juice!"
"For me to feel safe having anal sex with a man, it would require more trust and intimacy than vaginal sex."
"It takes the most prep and intention going into it."
"We were doing it doggy style and he said, 'Can I stick it in your ass?'"

281: How do I say, 'I need you to have more support outside of just me?' (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 03, 2023

One pattern we've often seen in our clients (and lived ourselves) is feeling like our partner needs us in order to feel OK. This can start to feel like a burden, especially if it's a constant pattern.

The truth is, it is each partner’s responsibility to tend to their nervous systems and be able to regulate their emotions enough to be able to regularly come to the relationship with presence and energy.

But what do you do when someone's going through a hard time, or they've gotten used to leaning on you for support? This kind of thing can affect a dating or long-term relationship, and it tends to impact everything in your dynamic (including the sex).

Here, we go through the ins and outs of this pattern, including its origins and how you can start to address it proactively with a love partner.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“When she was feeling down, she needed a lot of support and attention from me.”
“One partner can often keep giving and giving and giving and get burnt out.”
“One of the benefits of relationship is co-regulation.”
“She felt rejected because I needed to take space.”
"It’s fair to say, 'I need you to have meaningful support outside the relationship in order to feel secure in our connection.'"

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

280: How do I tell my partner I want something different? (ft. Jason Lange) Oct 27, 2023

Ahhh, the conundrum: Your partner does something you don't like but you don't know how to say so, so you just let it ride (and resentment builds). Or there's something you do want from her ... but you don't know how to say it.

This can also sound like, "How do I tell my partner I want something without seeming demanding?" or, "How do I share my needs without being needy?" or, "How do I tell her [something hard] without pissing her off, or having her feeling judged??"

Real talk: Most of us didn't have healthy communication role-modeled to us in our family of origin. So when these kinds of things happen, we don't know what to say:

Your dating partner wants to hang out this Friday evening, but you want alone time
You want to try something new in sex with your wife, but have no idea how to bring it up
Your woman partner is going through a hard time and has been leaning on you a lot, and you need a break

---

The good news? This is doable. You can learn how to communicate your needs skillfully in relationship, and it makes all the difference. Whether it's about sex, dating, or a relationship issue, the freedom to bring up and hold space for challenging subjects is not only deeply masculine, but of deep service in the world.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I guess I’ll just tolerate it."
"Under every complaint is a desire."
"Sharing desire is inherently vulnerable."
"We have to teach our partners how to love us."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

279: "You don’t have to be with someone who makes you feel like sh*t every day!" (ft. Jeff & Allison from the Love & Sex Podcast) Oct 20, 2023

Ever felt stuck in a sexless or passionless relationship? Or craved more in a relationship but didn't know how to get there? Then you're going to love this episode.

Allison and Jeff were both in sexless marriages before they got together. And as is almost always the case, sex is about more than just the sex -- it's also about connection, intimacy, joy, fire, and aliveness. The lack of it can feel stifling, or even soul-crushing.

As Jeff put it, "I wasn’t with someone that made me feel good about myself ... It was like what you didn’t do wasn’t good enough; what you did do wasn’t good enough.” And in Allison's words, "When I say there was no passion ... there was no passion. At some point I realized we really had no relationship that didn't involve our children."

But don't worry! Their story has a happy ending. They went from bad situations to finding one another, and now they have all kinds of wonderful, connected, kinky, delightful sex. :) How'd they do it? Listen on.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“One day I woke up and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’”
"I wasn’t happy but I didn’t realize how unhappy I was."
"I didn’t even feel like I needed sex … until that marriage ended."
"How many dicks did you have out at one point?!"
"Every nerve on my body works."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

278: Need a breakthrough? Try breathwork. (ft. Luke Adler) Oct 13, 2023

In my work with men, I often find that stuck or stagnant energy is blocking success in a man's life. He's not getting what he wants in sex, connection, intimacy, or all of the above -- and he doesn't know what to do about it.

Whether it's a single man struggling with sexual shame, a married man trying to figure out why it's so hard for him to lead his wife, or a man who's dating and noticing that he gets really triggered when he feels criticized by a woman (even if he knows intellectually that she's not trying to criticize him), the root cause is often the same:

Unprocessed "stuff."

Carrying around trauma is like walking through life weighed down by a backpack full of rocks. You don't always realize it's there until you're freed from it.

And the truth is, women are magnetically drawn to men who are relaxed and grounded in their bodies. That kind of relaxed and open state doesn't just happen, and it's not something you're either born with or not. There are things you can do to get there.

When it comes to processing trauma, shame, or just general stuckness, talking has limited efficacy. That's part of why you may not have gotten the results you were looking for through talk therapy or couples counseling. It's usually when we work the body (oh hi, somatic therapy) that we truly experience breakthroughs. Or as my guest, Luke Adler, puts it:

"The beauty of breathwork is that you add tremendous fuel and bypass the mind."

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"We men have been acculturated to be thickened up."
"It made clear where things were really working in my life and where they weren’t."
"Whatever system is stagnant — it’s going to move."
"People’s pace needs to be honored."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

277: Want to maximize polarity? Learn to do this well. (ft. Jason Lange) Oct 06, 2023

Here's some potent relationship advice: Learn to be skillful with transitions!

If you've ever been in a dating relationship or long-term, committed relationship, you've likely experienced the chaos that ensues if you don't handle transitions well. For example, if you come home from work and you're not actually ready to be present with your wife or kids, it's likely someone will be pissed. ;)

Transitions are about more than just that scenario, though. They're relevant in the early stages of dating all the way up to marriage.

Many a married client come to us because he wants MORE in his partnership. He wants to show up well with his wife, and for her to feel good with him. He wants to inspire trust, connect with her sexually in a satisfying way (both for her and for him), and have her be able to truly surrender to him.

This kind of close, sexy dynamic requires healthy, vibrant polarity. And if you're all about that good, good polarity with your partner, you need to know how to handle transitions well. Let's talk about it!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I don’t know if I want to take things deeper, so I’m just not going to talk about things."
"She didn’t want him to be there if he didn’t want to be there."
"I felt safer in the relationship because I knew that I wasn't the only one tracking things going on with us."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

276: I may want an open relationship. How do tell my partner? (ft. Dr. Joli Hamilton) Sep 29, 2023

"I’m curious about open relationships. How do I talk to my partner about it?"

This is one of those thorny sex & relationship topics that a lot of us tread lightly around. We know it's sensitive, and if we're past the dating phase (i.e. we're married/in a long-term committed relationship), it can feel like the stakes are high. Like if we even raise the question, we could jeopardize this relationship that means a lot to us.

If you've ever wondered how to bring up possibly opening up your relationship without hurting or offending your partner, you're in good company. Many people who are interested in the concept of open relationships are at a loss when it comes to talking about it with their partner.

Here, we go over common mistakes people make when bringing this subject up with a relationship partner, and how to do it in a compassionate way -- a way that makes it clear this is an invitation, and not an ultimatum. (And obviously when it comes to good sex, dating, and relationship advice, ultimatums are rarely the answer!)

We also get into an entertaining story of how NOT to do it, which includes a hot night of clubbing followed by the shower from hell. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“Monogamy is all I knew.”
“Some people took this crush thing to another level.”
“The thought, ‘I’m not enough’ exploded in his brain.”
“Sexual autonomy is a thing some people want.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Dr. Joli's work can be found here (www.jolihamilton.com/)

The "done for you" conversation referenced can be found here (www.jolihamilton.com/easy)

---

Work with me

Ready to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

275: What's life like as an erotica writer? (ft. Ruan Willow) Sep 22, 2023

When we think about sexy turn-ons and arousal -- especially when we're engaging in solo play -- many of us think about visual porn. The numbers bear this out: according to Psychology Today, 80% of men and 26% of women have watched internet porn within the last week.

But what about other ways of being turned on? Specifically, what about erotica?

It turns out a whole bunch of men are into audio porn (oh hi, ASMR) as well as story-based erotica and erotic fiction. This week's guest is an erotic fiction author, voiceover artist, and podcaster who writes erotic stories! We talk about turn-ons, the difference between visual porn and erotica, and how a giantess using a man's entire body as a dildo can be a huge turn-on.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“Holy shit, what the F have I been missing?”
“Erotica and audiobooks are immersion, and infinite instead of finite.”
“They got tired of porn, so they started to explore erotic romance.”

Work with us

Ready to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

274: How do you make sure you're not coming off as creepy? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Sep 15, 2023

How do you know if you're being creepy? For many of our clients, the fear of making a woman uncomfortable -- or being seen as creepy -- can be debilitating or even paralyzing. These men are often concerned that they're "bad" just for wanting sex (hint: You're not. You're just human.).

If you've ever been afraid of being perceived as creepy or a pervert, you're not alone -- even men in relationships have this fear. Much of it stems from early childhood experiences, including religious trauma. And fortunately there's a lot you can do about this.

Here, we go into what it actually means to be creepy (including my own personal share of a bad experience I had with a man, vs. ones where I've felt safe and comfortable), as well as how you can start to own your own sexuality in a more healthy and straightforward way.

Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term committed relationship like a marriage, there's something here for you. Sex, self-acceptance, shame, and love are all connected.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I don't want to be a #MeToo guy."
"Healthy sexuality is a part of your humanity."
"There's often a shame match, where a man with shame attracts a shame-inducing partner."
"As men grow and reclaim parts of themselves that have been denigrated, they attract different kinds of women."
"I can have the kind of relationship I want!"

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

273: 3 myths about self-love ... and why it matters *so much* in relationship (ft. Megan Bhatia) Sep 08, 2023

Ever found yourself resentful of a relationship partner? Maybe you feel like you're always giving and never getting much in return. Perhaps you've seen her as selfish, not providing you with the respect, love, attention, or sex you need in order to feel connected.

Everyone has heard, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself," but what does loving yourself actually mean? Hint: It's not just taking bubble baths or treating yourself to fancy pastries.

Self-love is the bedrock of relationship, and it's deeply related to resentment, fulfillment, and -- perhaps unexpectedly -- parenting. It's also linked to healthy sex, dynamic dating, and honest relationships.

Whether you're currently in a romantic relationship, want to be in a relationship, or are somewhere in between, this is a critical skill to build. There are 3 myths about self-love. Can you guess what they are?

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Oh my God, I don’t even love myself, and this could be driving some of our relationship patterns."
"It was like a low-level sadness, like something was missing in my life but I didn’t know what it was."
"Anything I didn’t deem as a positive emotion, I didn’t make space for ... and that translated to my kids."
"We are never the same self; you are always relating to a different self."
"'I’ve got to work harder' is a trigger thought"
“I need novelty.”

---

From this episode:

Megan’s podcast: Amory (amorypodcast.com)
Megan’s mini-course on self-love (
Our retreat, The Nature of Relating, in Costa Rica, Nov 9-14. Use code FRIENDOFMEL for $200 off (https://tinyurl.com/2p2ykrkz)

---

Work with us

Ready to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

More upcoming live events:

The Heart of Shadow program run by Jason & Luke starts Sept 19th and includes a live retreat Oct 18-22. Dear Men listeners get 10% off tuition here: melaniecurtin.com/shadow

272: Your woman wants you to tussle with her. Yes, really. (ft. Dr. Robert Glover) [replay] Sep 01, 2023

Let's be real: For many men, it's often hard to figure out women. Moods change quickly, and often you know something is going on but you're not sure what (or how to find out). It's also hard when you feel like nothing you do is ever enough for her.

Here we talk about feminine testing, and what it means to play with it by tussling. When she pushes your boundaries or overreacts to something seemingly small, what's really going on? Why does she seem to pick fights sometimes, but other times melt in your arms? And more importantly, how do you handle this in a way that actually builds connection for both of you?

Hint: If you don't want negative emotional tension in your relationship, you need to get skilled at positive emotional tension.

Whether you're dating, in a long-term relationship like a marriage, or anywhere in between, positive emotional tension helps with everything from connection to sex to a really hot date night.

We also outline the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension — and abuse. To be in healthy relationship you must know the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how to avoid partners with that patterning. We also delve into loving, conscious dominance -- which frequently leads to smokin' hot sex. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
We all get needy.”
“If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”

Mentioned on this episode:

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

271: GirlTalk: What makes a woman truly trust a man? [replay] Aug 25, 2023

If you want a woman to fully surrender to you, you've got to inspire deep trust in her. This includes sexually -- a woman who deeply trusts her man is infinitely more likely to open up when it comes to sex.

And most men want to be trusted. They want to be satisfying to their partner sexually, emotionally, and physically. They want their partner to feel safe with them. Trust is the basis of safety, upon which relationship thrives, but it's not always easy to grasp what it means to be trustable.

So here we talk about it! Four of us women reveal what it takes for a man to be deeply trustable to us. We share personal stories of times we didn't trust a man (and why), as well as times we felt deep trust and connection. There are a lot of commonalities amongst our stories.

In a world where so many women feel unsafe with so many men, being a trustable man and partner is one of the ways you can stand out. Whether you're dating, married, or starting out in a new relationship, there are quality lessons here.

270: What is shadow work, and how does it make you sexier? (ft. Luke Adler & Jason Lange) Aug 18, 2023

Shadow work is popular in the personal growth community, and for good reason — it can be deeply transformational. Many people report deeper and more lasting shifts with shadow work than with years of talk therapy.

But what’s talked about less often is how sexy shadow work can make you. As a woman who has sex with men, I can attest to this — a man who does real shadow work is hot. Period.

Here, Jason and I join forces with Luke Adler, doctor of Chinese medicine, healer, and men’s coach, to talk all things shadow work, sex, relationships, masculine identity, and the freedom that comes from doing deep work with trustable people.

Dear Men listeners get 10% off registration using the coupon codes in the link below.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Actual table flip!“

Mentioned on this episode:

melaniecurtin.com/shadow

269: What women truly crave from men (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 11, 2023

In our work with men who have sex with women, we've noticed a few distinct categories. There are three specific archetypes of men we see most commonly, and here we outline their patterns.

We do this in part because I want to reveal the deep yearning on the part of a lot of women who relate with men romantically. While the themes discussed in this episode are relayed in the frame of men who relate with women romantically, and vice versa (many of whom identify as heterosexual/straight), I believe there's a universal human longing at play.

Here we talk about the three types of men, their differences, their paths, and the category that a lot of women crave from the depths of their being.

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Join us LIVE for our yearly, in-person retreat. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got 3 slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California. To sign up or learn more, go here.

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

268: A woman’s biggest fear (and how you can help) (ft. Violet Lange) Aug 04, 2023

Want a woman to feel deeply, profoundly, extraordinarily safe with you? Able to surrender fully, relaxing all the way into your arms, allowing her body to open to you in ways you never knew were possible?

Then you need to know about this.

Whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship, there's an underlying fear that, according to Violet, who has worked with hundreds of women and heard from thousands, 99% of women have.

It's a fear you may share. And if it's not addressed, it can block intimacy, whether that's in sex or other relationship dynamics. The good news? You can learn to address it skillfully -- and this can profoundly shift a dynamic within a relationship. If you've been looking for the best relationship advice ever, it might just be this. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I’m not going to be THAT girl."
"I don't care what my fling thinks, but I don't want my partner to think I'm a trashy whore."
"I’m too needy, bossy, driven. I’m too fat, too slutty, too crazy."

---

Evolutionary Men Retreat

It's happening! Come join us. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got 4 slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California. To sign up or learn more, go here.

---

Also mentioned on this episode:

Violet's Wild Sensuality retreat
Dear Men podcast episode 128: Feel like you're always walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

267: What do you do if your masculine role models sucked? (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 28, 2023

How did you learn to be a man? From whom did you learn, and what did they impart? More importantly, if this isn't how you want to be now, how you grow beyond what you learned?

We learn how to be who we are from our parents and other caregivers. If you grew up with men who were absent, alcoholics, abusive, or just not emotionally attuned, then there are gaps in your knowledge. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.

A few things we cover in this episode:

Passive dad/absent dad vs. volatile dad
What do to do if you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable
Growing up with women who badmouthed men ("Don't be like your father")
The power of men's work

---

Not mentioned on this episode but still wanted to mention it here -- there's a YouTube channel called, "Dad, how do I?" and it's great. It's by a man who didn't grow up with a good dad, and it's all about how to do basic things (like shaving).

266: How do you get to breakthrough? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Jul 21, 2023

Do you know you have trauma stuck in your body, but you're not sure how to move it? Perhaps you're aware that your issues are in your tissues, but you don't know what to do about it.

If anyone knows what it's like to feel stuck around sex, dating, and relationships, it's Jason. He was a late bloomer, self-proclaimed Nice Guy, and didn't feel successful with women for a long time -- didn't even have sex for the first time until his late 20s.

Plus, even outside of relationships, for most of his life he felt like something was ... missing. Like his life was just sort of happening to him. He wanted something else, something more, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he went to a live workshop where a men's work mentor rocked his world. In just twenty minutes of in-depth work, he got to a place that 3 full years of talk therapy hadn't touched.

It was transformational.

If you've ever felt stuck or numb as a man, you're not alone. And you can break out of it. Sometimes it just takes some support to get there.

Evolutionary Men Retreat

It's happening! Come join us. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got a few slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California.

To sign up or learn more, go here.

265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) [replay] Jul 14, 2023

If you want a thriving, connected sex life with your partner, but feel like something's in the way ... it could be sexual trauma.

The fact is, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are survivors of child sexual abuse. To put that in perspective, that's 42 million women and 21 million men in the US alone.

The bad news? We don't talk about this nearly enough, so it can feel overwhelming and scary to address. The good news? It is addressable, and no matter who you are or what happened, you can have a beautiful, connected, and deeply fulfilling sex life. It just takes some work to get there.

Here we talk about how you, as a man who has sex with women, can identify the signs that a partner may have a sexual trauma background

If you've ever been with a partner who seems to check out during sex (disassociates), tends to avoid sex altogether, or has certain triggers (like certain lighting or movements on your part that cause her to tense up), it could be this.

We also talk about how to bring it up and talk about it in a way that feels safe and welcoming. It's a sensitive topic and it takes a lot of trust for a woman to tell you this is part of their history (and vice versa — it takes a lot of trust for you, as a man, to let her know if you're a survivor). Knowing more about how to respond well and help to lead and guide the conversation will only help you expand and embody the healthy masculine.

A vital truth is that if your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life — meaning it impacts both of you. We also discuss how you can support your woman and also address your own sexual needs (without coming off as ignorant or insensitive).

Because when it comes down to it, we all want to love one another as best we can. And sex is a big part of that.

Books referenced in this episode:

• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

264: How do we learn about sex? (ft. Yuval Mann) Jul 07, 2023

Was your family skilled at teaching you about sex? Was your school, or your religious community?

HA.

I'm guessing not.

Many families of origin suck at talking about sex, dating, and relationships. And whether you grew up in a religious house or not, sex education tends to also be subpar, especially when it comes to teaching about sexual communication.

How do you ask a partner for what you really want? How do you tell someone they're missing the mark when it comes to something sexual (like oral sex, or something about intercourse).

On this episode we talk about all that, as well as how the #MeToo movement has impacted all of us. And we touch on how to overcome sexual shame. A particularly memorable quote from that section:

“I turned my shame into vulnerability.”

Finally, we touch on porn in this episode, and the other podcast episode I reference is:

DM 112: How this man overcame porn addiction

(If you've felt a little iffy about your relationship with pornography, give that one a listen, as well. You may find it illuminating.)

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

263: 5 ways to polarize a powerful woman (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 30, 2023

Has your woman ever been in her masculine, and you wished she was in her feminine? Here's something that doesn't work: "Hey, could you drop into your feminine already?" ;)

So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.

I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."

The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.

Here we lay out five practical ways to polarize a woman partner into her feminine, helping her to drop into her heart and soften. If you've ever wondered why certain evenings with your wife or girlfriend were magical, while others felt like pulling teeth, this may help.

And if you're a man who has sex with women and you want to help your woman soften, receive more of your love, and relax into even deeper levels of trust, this one is for you.

Quick note: We talk about this on the podcast and wanted to include it here: If you suspect your partner may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (i.e. nothing you do ever seems to make a difference with her), polarity work won't cut it.

You may also want to listen to our episode on that subject: 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder.

---

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

262: Are you lonely? (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 23, 2023

Ever have trouble concentrating, or beat yourself up for not getting more done? Do you give yourself a hard time for watching porn & masturbating? Wonder why you just can't kick that habit you know is unhealthy (smoking weed, playing video games, drinking alcohol, etc.)?

All of this is related to loneliness. Whether you live alone and work from home, are single and dating and longing for relationship, are divorced and missing what you used to have, or are in a relationship but often feel distant from your wife/partner ... life can be lonely.

And according to the US Surgeon General, "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health."

We tend to think of feeling lonely as not that big a deal, but that couldn't be further from the truth. According to Psychology Today, "[c]lose relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than even our genes do."

The other wrinkle here is that loneliness and social isolation tend to hit men harder. A full 15% of modern men report having no close friendships or relationships at all, and 44% of men 18 and up say they feel lonely all the time (that stat still blows my mind. I want to give everyone a hug).

So what do you do about it? How do you get more connected and start to feel more of a sense of belonging? Here, we delve into what it actually means to be lonely, as well as how to start to get more connection in your life on a regular basis. We share our personal experience of loneliness, as well as three concrete suggestions for how to get more connected.

We also talk about how meaningful connection is not just about being around other people; it’s about feeling safe to be your full, true, authentic self. To feel fully seen.

Because when we feel fully seen, we feel fully alive.

---

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

261: If I'm having doubts, does that mean she's not The One? (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 16, 2023

"I just can't make up my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm settling, and that makes me sad. Sometimes I feel blessed to have someone as amazing as this woman who wants to be with me.

The question I have is, if I'm having doubts or feelings that I might be settling, does that mean she's not The One? Or is it normal to have these feelings sometimes?"

If you've ever wondered whether you're in the right relationship or should seek something better, you're not alone! Dating is, in part, about figuring out whether you're with the right partner. But no one teaches us how to know whether it's right, especially if you sometimes have doubts.

Short story? Doubts don't mean everything, and they don't mean nothing. ;) Here, we delve into the fundamentals of "relationship ambivalence," anxious/avoidant attachment and how it relates to this, how porn can affect how you feel about your relationship, and what to truly look for when determining whether partner is the right one for you to build a happy, safe, healthy relationship with.

Mentioned on this episode:

Episode 128: Are you with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

260: How do you make consent sexy? An adult film actress shares! (ft. Tasha Reign) Jun 09, 2023

A lot of the men we work with don't want to be That Guy. The guy who's creepy or pervy or weird. The guy who makes women feel unsafe, whether on a date or in a relationship.

But how do you figure out how to get consent while still maintaining your masculine core? Is it uncool to ask for permission to kiss her? (Spoiler alert: No.) And how does consent work on a porn set? Porn stars still need to navigate the world of what's going to feel good for someone and what's not, and as it turns out, a lot of the process actually goes on off-camera!

Here, we delve into the wild and wondrous world of consent, as outlined by top adult film actress, author, and consent advocate Tasha Reign. If you've ever wanted to know what the differences are between porn sex and real-life sex, give this a listen!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

259: Want her to feel safe with you, and free to be vulnerable? Learn to do this. (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 02, 2023

All of the men we work with, whether married, dating, or single, want women to feel safe with them. It's important to them that women trust them -- that women feel secure around them (even if that's "just" on a dating app).

And women don't tend to feel deeply safe unless they feel claimed.

In one woman's words: “When a man doesn’t claim me, I feel anxious and stressed and find myself not wanting to be vulnerable."

Another said, "When a man doesn't claim me it feels confusing... like, 'Huh?' I'm like, 'Wtf is happening?' I feel anxious and unsettled, and I don't want to open up and be vulnerable. I feel wary and the need to be hypervigilant."

Claiming doesn't mean dominating. It's not about overpowering. Here, we go into depth around what claiming is and isn't, and how you can do it well. The good news? When you know how to claim well, your dating and sex life will improve. Your current relationship will get hotter and smoother.

If you're a man who wants women to feel safe with you, this is one to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"When I feel claimed I feel safe and held. It makes me trust him and his leadership / guidance / direction."
"I can surrender and experience joy and be playful. I'm more willing to come along for the ride without having to worry about all the nitty-gritty details, like whether or not I'll be protected."
"I'd follow him anywhere."

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

258: Should you wait to get into a relationship in order to work on your stuff? & other popular questions (ft. me!) May 26, 2023

Relate to any of the following dating and relationship questions?

In dating, I tend to get attached/excited about someone fast, and then really disappointed when it doesn’t work out. How do I lessen the intensity of this? (This includes if you've just been messaging with someone on a dating app like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OKCupid, etc. and you thought it'd go somewhere but then it didn't)
I brought something to a woman that I thought she'd appreciate, and she didn’t respond. Did I do something wrong?
Should I wait to get into a relationship in order to work on my stuff? (Similar to, "How do I know when I'm ready to get into a relationship/start dating again?")
How do I ‘not take the bait,’ as in get reactive, when someone is baiting me (like my girlfriend or wife)?

Here, I answer all of these questions, which includes exploring what to do when you feel let down around something in sex, dating or relationships; how to know when it's time to work on yourself and not date (take a break from dating) vs. work on yourself while in a relationship; and what to do when you're in the middle of a fight with your partner and want to slow things down.

Learning and growing is a brave act. It's also one of the best investments you can possibly make in your own future. I also believe that every time you grow and expand beyond your family of origin, you're contributing to the good of the species. So good on you!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you want to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

257: Porn sex vs. real-life sex: a woman porn director lays it out (ft. Holly Randall) [replay] May 19, 2023

If you've ever been concerned about erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and looked at male-bodied porn stars with envy, here's a fun fact: Close to 100% of male-bodied porn stars use Viagra/Cialis/other sexual performance enhancement drugs in order to perform on set.

That's not the only thing that might surprise you about sex, love, dating, and the behind-the-scenes truth about pornography. Here, porn director Holly Randall outlines some of the differences between the sex shown in porn versus real sex, and we also get into what the sex lives of porn stars are really like.

Other topics include how to relax about penis size (this part is very interesting), things you might not have known about anal sex, and more.

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

256: How do you support her when she’s having a hard time (and also get your needs met)? (ft. Violet Lange) May 12, 2023

When a woman is going through a tough time (especially for an extended period of time), it can be easy to fall into a codependent dynamic. When she relies heavily on you to help her feel better, this can be taxing on your nervous system. And nobody wants codependence!

How do you stay steady when things like financial stress, fertility issues, job concerns, or hard family dynamics cause a wife, girlfriend, or other woman partner to turn to you more than ever?

Here we talk about what it means to be emotionally regulated vs/ dysregulated, and concrete ways to feel better and manage stress in a healthy, generative fashion. We outline how a woman (or any dysregulated partner) can soothe herself, as well as strategies you can use to support her through a difficult time.

If you've ever felt unsure about how to soothe a woman partner or challenged by feeling the need to hold space repeatedly for something neither she nor you have control over (i.e. her getting laid off, or interacting with a frustrating/difficult relative, etc.), you'll appreciate this one.

Mentioned on this episode:

Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) (https://youtu.be/FeUioDuJjFI)

Network Spinal Analysis (https://tinyurl.com/3assne6v)

Violet's site: (https://violetlange.com/)

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

255: GuyTalk: Fun with cunnilingus! 3 men share their experience of going down on women May 05, 2023

Oral sex can be super hot. In fact, some people consider it even more intimate than intercourse.

As one writer put it, "Sexual intercourse is mostly selfish. Sure, you want the other person to get off, but your own orgasm is your first priority. But giving head is, at the core, a selfless act."

Speaking of orgasm, 70%+ of women who have sex with men don't tend to cum through intercourse ... but many can if you go down on them! Yep, going down on her can be super important in some cases, since it can be a reliable way to help your woman partner to get off.

Whether you're dating women or you're in a long-term relationship like a marriage, oral can be a delightful part of your sexual repertoire. But how do you navigate it and make sure it's good for all involved? What, for example, do you do if a woman is actually uncomfortable receiving oral sex (and if that woman is your wife)?

Here, we delve into all that and more -- the good, the bad the ugly -- of going downtown.

---

Mentioned on this episode:

The GirlTalk episode on how to go down on a woman (episode 152)

The course based on my sex research: Please Her In Bed

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

254: The 3 common traps conscious couples fall into (and how to avoid them!) (ft. Allana Pratt) Apr 28, 2023

Let's say you're doing the work, and meet someone else who's doing the work. Now you're in a conscious relationship! Mazel tov! Now what do you need to know about sex, love, relating, and how it all connects? When you've got two people who are growing, you've got tremendous potential. You've also got some other stuff. ;)

Allana has 20 years of helping both singles and couples with sex, love, and relationships, so she's able to speak to the larger patterns that emerge in the work. According to her, "most intimacy struggles boil down to a few common blindspots that once healed, allow vulnerable, authentic relationships to thrive."

Want to know what the top 3 blindspots are, and how to address them? Listen on!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I played the Wall Street wife and lost myself."
"There's a gift in every crisis."
"The main tipping point was when my son came and said, 'I know what I’m doing.'"
"I believe the universe is on our side."
"Tell me something about you and oral sex…"

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

253: Can you address erectile dysfunction with a science-based sex toy? Turns out yes. (ft. Dr. Soum of MysteryVibe) Apr 21, 2023

Sex is part of life, and major life events affect our sex lives. Here are just a few things you might've wondered about in the course of your own sex life:

How do I overcome erectile dysfunction without drugs? (like Viagra or Cialis)
What do I do if she's less into sex than me? (a difference in libido, which sometimes involves an arousal disorder)
My wife had a baby and now intercourse hurts. Are we ever going to have great sex again??
What if my woman partner has dryness or pain during sex, especially post-menopause? How can I help?

Enter Dr. Soum, founder of science-based sex tech company MysteryVibe. "Childbirth, menopause, recovering from cancer or surgery — in all of these cases, your sex life is affected, and the mystery leaves the bedroom," he says.

But it can come back, people. As one happy couple in their 70s said of using one of their products, "We’ve been married for 30 years and we feel like we’re back in our honeymoon."

Look, the truth is that human bodies are both complicated and simple at the same time. A lot of women contend with anorgasmia, for example, which is just a big word for the inability to orgasm.

But this doesn't have to be a forever state of being. It's totally addressable, as is pain after childbirth. This is especially reassuring given that a whopping 86% of moms have pelvic/vaginal pain, and 50% still have it after 2 years.

None of this has to stay your reality. Pelvic floors are resilient, and so are people. Listen for some serious knowledge-dropping, and sweet inspiration.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I love the intersection of humanness and electronics."
"More and more people are talking about and working on menopause."
"Orgasms improve your mental health."
“In most cases, premium sex toys are bought by men for women.”
"If you make intimacy the only goal, then bringing about change is very easy."

---

To get your hands on the sex toys in question: mysteryvibe.com

The Women's Health article : This is the One Vibrator That Brought Back My Sex Drive While I Was Taking Antidepressants

---

Ready to go beyond the podcast and take action to transform your sex, dating, and relationship life?

Just go to melaniecurtin.com/action and take the leap. We've got you.

252: How to date & have connected sex with a trauma background (ft. Michael Unbroken) Apr 14, 2023

Trauma recovery might not seem like the sexiest topic, but you guys, it is. When it comes to to having healthy, passionate, connected sex, dating, and love relationships, it's everything! You may have become aware (through, perhaps, this podcast) that you've likely got some childhood neglect or other kind of trauma background, and you may be wondering whether that's ever resolvable.

The answer is YES. Even if you've been through the wringer. Which Michael Unbroken has. A survivor of poverty, child sexual abuse, domestic violence, and a whole lot more, he has serious legs to stand on when it comes to overcoming adversity. Now an expert on complex PTSD (cPTSD) and a life coach for trauma survivors, he asserts that:

"The number one shift you can make in your healing journey is asking for help and getting the support that you need and deserve to break free of generational curses, childhood trauma, and the pain of the past."

Amen.

If you or someone you've dated has a trauma background, this is one you'll want to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“You’re better off going in the wrong direction than no direction at all.”
"Fear is the very thing that both keeps us safe and keeps us stuck. That’s a hard thing to reconcile."
"Dating can be like warfare."
"Go to professionals."
"I absolutely love my life now."

---

The ACE survey mentioned on this episode (based on the Adverse Childhood Experiences study)

Michael's site: https://www.thinkunbroken.com/

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

251: Dating lessons from a dating show host! (ft. Alli Goldberg) Apr 07, 2023

"I'm a comedian, and now I’m an accidental matchmaker!"

So says Alli, self-proclaimed theater geek and creator of Love Isn’t Blind — a new dating show where 4 men compete for 1 woman, and the men can’t speak. She's also the creator of the dating show where celebrities read your breakup texts.

What's especially interesting is that as someone reading hundreds of applications to her dating show, Alli has a fascinating breadth of experience when it comes to what men are looking for in women, and vice versa. As she says, "When you ask people what they want in a partner, it's revealing to hear what they lead with."

Here we talk about sex, dating, relationships, being a wingwoman or wingman (hint: if you're in a relationship, your job isn't over! Help out a shy or introverted person and you'll feel great about yourself). We also discuss how hot men are who are openminded, working on themselves and "secretly in men's groups." ;)

You'll want to listen to this fun and lively one!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"In a post-pandemic world, there's a strong desire and real need for people to meet in person."
"Looks are a weird thing."
"There's a certain freedom men feel to talk to me about dating when I’m not on a date with them."
"We’re all making the same mistakes!"
"I wanted something that would get people rowdy and meeting each other."

Mentioned on this episode:

allisongoldberg.com
howtobreakupbytext.com
loveisntblind.co (Love Isn't Blind happens live ever first Friday in LA, and Alli is also launching a tour soon, so if you're interested in being kept up to date, sign up for her newsletter.)

250: How do you re-polarize a relationship (bring back the spark)? ft. Jason Lange Mar 31, 2023

One of the most inspiring things we've seen in our work with men is the rejuvenation of relationships. We've seen clients in long-term, committed relationships that felt flat, off, or just not exciting ... become vibrant and vivid again.

We've seen couples get hot sex back! (often better than ever). We've seen closeness and intimacy be reestablished, often more intensely than had ever been true before.

But before this renewal period, there was suffering. Often in the form of reverse polarity. Especially if you identify as a Nice Guy, you may have experienced reverse polarity in relationship -- where she's more in her masculine, and he's more in his feminine. This can be a painful place to be. Both people suffer.

And the path back is not necessarily what you'd think. For example, men say, "I’ve been doing everything to please my partner, and it just seems to make it worse ... " because as it turns out, pleasing and appeasing her doesn't actually generate polarity.

Or they say, "It's not exactly that there's something wrong, but we're not having sex. We watch movies, we go on walks, we get along ... but we don't have that spark."

Here we talk about polarity, what it looks like when it's going well, what it looks like when it's not, and how to regenerate it when it's lost. Whether you're in a dating relationship or married, if you've ever experienced losing that erotic charge in your relationship and you didn't know how to get it back, this is one to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I wanted to do the right thing in my relationship, but I didn't know how. I was close to giving up. Shutting down. Pulling away."
"Those feelings, that desire ... there’s something enlivening when we feel our partner wanting us."
"We are slowly becoming the couple we dreamed about when we were dating."

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work!

If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here.

249: Feel like you can never get it right with her? This relationship pattern could be behind it (ft. Jason Lange) Mar 24, 2023

Ever experienced the relationship pattern where she essentially says, "I was hurt by this thing you did," or, "I need you to love me better/differently" — and then you feel like you've failed, pull away, and maybe even have the desire to just stop trying altogether?

Whether you're in a dating relationship or a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, this is a very common relationship pattern. It can be easy for women to be critical or share feedback in ways that are not at all constructive (sometimes even bullying). And it can be easy for a man, when he feels he has let down/disappointed his partner, to get defensive or withdraw (or both), which can trigger even more upset. This, then, can affect your sex life as well as your emotional intimacy.

How do two people meet in the middle here? How does she soften and share feedback in an openhearted way, and how does he receive it without collapsing and/or entering into a shame spiral?

The good news is that it is possible to grow here, and for both partners to meet each other in the middle.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"Hearing that nothing was ever good enough for her made me withdrawal into passivity and inaction. Why do anything for her when I’m always going to be shot down for trying?"
"One of the masculine’s main fears: We can’t provide enough, we’re not emotional enough, we’re not communicating enough … we’re not enough."
"I felt deeply met by him when he did that ... it was the first time I'd ever felt fully expressed that way with a man."

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 128: Recognizing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work!

If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here.

248: Hot sexting! How & when to sext, and more on sexual communication (ft. Dr. Tara) Mar 17, 2023

Curious about sexting, or how to bring it up/do it in the context of a new dating relationship? Maybe it's an edge you'd like to push, or maybe you're not even sure what it really is. (Hint: it can also spice up your marriage/long-term committed relationship.)

Dr. Tara grew up in sexually conservative Thailand, and went through her own sexual awakening over the course of years. Here we cover her fun, sexy journey from Catholic schoolgirl to full-on, liberated tenured professor of sexual communication -- not to mention her happy relationship to her current husband.

We also talk about trust and safety in relationship, the 3 questions to include in a "sexual check-in" in a relationship, how a sex store in LA changed Dr. Tara's life, and how to be hot instead of creepy when it comes to dick pics.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I married a resume husband that I never had sexual chemistry with.”
“Shock and awe — there are so many cock sizes!?”
“I didn’t have enough sexual self-esteem to pursue what was right for me.”
“One of the best ways to help women feel more sexually empowered is to encourage self-pleasure.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Dr. Tara's site
Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori Brotto
5-minute sexual meditation on YouTube

247: GirlTalk: Dating apps! What's it like being a woman on them? [Replay] Mar 10, 2023

Real talk: Dating can be hard! So many of us long to connect with one another, but the process can feel ... challenging. Whether you're contending with approach anxiety, not knowing what to text or when to call, when to ask her on an actual date (should you get to know her first via the text thread?), or how to gracefully handle rejection or ghosting ... it's a lot.

And straight men on dating apps also have to contend with the fact that they tend to get far fewer messages and responses and attention overall than women. It can be painful.

We want to make it easier and smoother! There's a lot out there for men about what not to do, but what about what to do when it comes to the dating apps, sex, and building a relationship? Here, we go over how we love to be approached on the apps, with real examples of men who've done it well. Yes, it can be done — and it may be easier than you think.

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a woman on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, eHarmony, or any of the other dating apps, check this one out.

246: Getting to peak masculine vitality (ft. Michael Holt) Mar 03, 2023

Ever feel like you're dragging? Like you don't have enough energy to do all the things you want to do, or just wish you had more oomph in general?

The fact is, when you're healthy and vital, you're more attractive. You also want to have sex more (your libido goes up). You're more likely to go for what you want in dating. And you show up as the best version of yourself in long-term, committed relationships like marriages. You inspire those around you. You've got what you need to go after your goals.

Martial artist and masculine vitality expert Michael Holt has a lived experience of feeling energetically depleted and emotionally down. Yet he turned things around and now helps other men do the same. There are both physical as well as emotional landscapes involved in boosting your energy. The good news? You can be more vital, strong, healthy, and alive than you ever have been -- no matter how old you are.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“The primary regulation strategy in this culture is distraction.”
“Why am I in the desert with a bunch of damn hippies? Oh my God, have I become a hippie?”
“The highest act of service is healing yourself.”

Michael's IG: @savageandsaint

245: What's it like to be swingers? (ft. John & Jackie Melfi) Feb 24, 2023

How do you know if monogamy is right for you? Ever been curious about what it would actually be like to be a swinger, or date other people while still being in a healthy marriage?

Jackie was actually married twice, in two traditional, monogamous relationships (with kids), before she connected with John — or, in fact, reconnected with him, since they actually went to high school together.

By that point, John was running several clubs for swingers, and Jackie was curious to hear more. She went on a deep dive in researching monogamy, ethical non-monogamy (open relationships), how people "do" swinging and/or other sexual exploration in a way that feels authentic and true to them, and more.

The two then built a beautiful relationship based on openness, trust, and true vulnerability.

If you've ever wondered how exactly it "works" in a relationship that's more open, where you can play with other people (i.e. have full-on sex or just to be sexual some way), listen to this. According to Jackie and John, it can actually bring you closer, with tremendous personal growth.

In particular, when you don't have to cut off that part of you that engages with the spark of life, things get fun and fiery. Flirting, ethical non-monogamy, jealousy, fulfillment, love, and healthy relationships can all coexist, and bring even more joy and magic into your world.

Notable quotes from this episode:

“I assumed that once I got married, my partner and I would be 100% satisfied.”
“Monogamy never really felt like ‘me.’”
“If you’re able to walk through your fear you become a stronger person — more whole.”
“One of the greatest gifts was it allowed me to get in touch with how I viewed myself, how I can grow, how I can feel confident in my relationship.”
“We’re very conscious of what we do in our relationship. We want both of us to be operating from the best place.”

244: What if what makes me good at my job makes it harder to date? (ft. Jason Lange) Feb 17, 2023

We work with a lot of men in demanding professions, whether that means long work hours, high-stakes environments (like hospitals), hard manual labor, or being mentally taxing or stressful.

Many of these men have to hide their emotions and/or vulnerability at work, and/or are in jobs like software development or IT that have them at a computer, isolated, all day long. Any and all of this can take a toll, and impact your love life.

When it comes to sex and relationships, it can be challenging to navigate this kind of thing. How do you balance a crazy work schedule with dating, or drop in with your woman relationship partner when you've spent all day in your head?

The truth is, if the very thing that makes you great at what you do makes it harder to connect with women, you've got to make some adjustments. The good news? They're doable, and will lead to healthier, more sustainable and sexier relationships overall.

243: Why are European women more likely to speak up about sex? (ft. Guy Blaise) Feb 10, 2023

Guy Blaise is a Frenchman who has lived in the U.S. for a number of years. As a man who has dated and had sex with both European and North American women, he has an intriguing perspective. Here we delve into the differences between dating in France and the U.S., and the various questions raised by those, such as:

Why are French women more likely to tell a man what they like or don't like in bed? How do you approach a European vs. North American woman, and why does that feel so different? Why is the fear of being creepy so prevalent in North America?

After writing his first book, Love Like the French, Blaise also received hundreds of letters from American and Canadian women asking for dating and relationship advice. We also discuss the fascinating world of what kinds of things the women wrong in about -- and what all men can take from that.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"You go to Barcelona, love is on the subway."
"Treat your partner like she’s your best customer."
"In France, women are very outspoken."
"Sex doesn't start in the bedroom."

Guy's site: The French Perspective, which includes his books Love Like the French and Love Like a Man

242: Stepping off the 'relationship escalator' (ft. Amy Gahran) Feb 03, 2023

When it comes to dating, relationships, and sex, there's a strong cultural norm -- the plotline of what we're "supposed" to want. It goes like this: You start dating, become sexually exclusive, get engaged, get married, buy a house (with a white picket fence!), have kids, and stay together until you die. No sex, dating, or romance with anyone else, ever.

This is known as the "relationship escalator," and it can sometimes feel like the only choice out there.

But what if you got off the escalator? What about the many relationships that fit outside that norm? What if, for example, you want to have kids but your partner doesn't -- and instead of breaking up, you and a close friend become co-parents?

Amy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who've gotten off the relationship escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, you'll want to listen to this.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"More is possible."
"You have options. And even if you want to keep doing what you're doing, make it a conscious choice."
"Cultivate the skill to re-negotiate because I can guarantee that at some point you're going to need to."

---

Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/

241: What if you've ticked the big boxes in life ... but you're still not happy? (ft. Jason Lange) Jan 27, 2023

Ever felt "flat" in life? Like you've done a lot of the things you were "supposed" to do, but you're still not fulfilled? Or perhaps you just have this nagging feeling that more is possible.

This is often a subtle pattern, but it's one we've seen in a number of our clients. Some have got a pretty good relationship with pretty good sex, but the sense that the level of depth and closeness with their partner could be much richer. Others have experienced success in certain aspects of life (i.e. job/career), and are struggling because it almost seems a bit "selfish" to want or expect more. But they yearn for, yes, more.

If you've ever had a gnawing feeling of emptiness, or a growing suspicion that there's MORE to be experienced in your life, you're not alone. And you're not wrong. We frequently find that the men showing up with this kind of pattern do have a way out, and that what's waiting on the other side of the path forward is more glorious than perhaps they were even anticipating.

240: How do we raise good men? (ft. Luke Entrup) Jan 20, 2023

How did you know when you stopped being a boy and became a man (if that's how you identify)? And if you're raising a son, how will he know when he's a man?

Rites of passage are critical to our development as humans ... but they're sorely missing from mainstream culture. Indigenous cultures and first nations have much to teach here.

A big issue in mainstream culture is that there's little guidance for dads on how to guide boys into becoming the healthy masculine. There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity; we know what we don't want, but how do we teach boys what we do want?

Luke Entrup's son is 11 years old, about to be 12. And his question has been, "How do I do my part to raise a good man?" So he's leading a rite of passage retreat for fathers and sons -- specifically, fathers and sons where the boys are aged 10-14.

Here we discuss rites of passage across the ages, the relationship between fathers and sons; how to have a healthy connection with men; what it means to be a healthy dad; how to help teenage boys resist the cultural programming that "Any form of emotion is a sign of weakness, and if you show it you’ll get torn up socially"?; and how to raise good men.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"A fear a lot men have is, 'Your power is dangerous. You hurt people.'"
"Initiation takes a level of bravery."
"As men, pain turns into numbness. Numbness turns into rage. And beneath it all is the pain of the past."
"How do I show up as a good dad?"

For more info on the retreat:

The Father-Son Connection Experience: A Rite-of-Passage for Boys and Their Father-Figures

Luke's website and podcast

239: Realized I’m a "Nice Guy." Now what do I do about it? (ft. Jason Lange) Jan 13, 2023

Ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, or heard about Nice Guy Syndrome and related to it? If you've identified yourself as a Nice Guy, you may have the feeling, "Where do I go from here?"

Jason, a self-proclaimed recovering Nice Guy, goes through the steps related to overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome. Instead of being a Nice Guy, there's a new archetype: the Kind Man.

Overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome includes addressing the pattern of rumination (being in your head a lot, obsessing about what the right thing to do is); addressing the need to please (i.e. not rocking the boat); as well as even figuring out know what you want in the first place. A lot of our clients report having trouble even figuring out what they want at first, which makes it a lot harder to get it!

Fortunately you don't have to stay stuck in Nice Guy Syndrome forever -- there are concrete steps to take to overcome this pattern and feel your sense of freedom and power around sex, dating, relationships, work, and life overall.

238: How do I approach a woman at the gym without bothering her? -- and other common dating questions (ft. me!) Jan 06, 2023

Here are 4 common questions I get from men, whether clients or listeners like you:

How do I approach a woman at the gym or grocery store or other public place?
How do I approach someone I work with to date?
What do I do if I contend with erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE) and find that that blocks me from even approaching women at all?
Which dating app should I use, and how do I regulate myself around the apps (i.e. not checking them all the time)?

Here, I answer all four of these questions. I address the common pattern I find in the men I work with around not wanting to "bother" women, and describe how to respectfully approach a woman in a public environment.

I also cover how to lead a conversation with a coworker around asking her out. There are certain things you can bring up that will have her feel safe and desired at the same time. I also talk about the tricky nature of navigating power dynamics (she's your manager, or you're hers, for example). As I mention in the episode, social science research suggests that one-third of folks who date someone from work end up marrying that person. So there’s definitely something to be said for it.

And if you find yourself not even approaching women at all because you're still looking to overcome erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE), then definitely take a listen! I don't think this needs to block you from dating; you can simply communicate with women about it in a way that feels good to both you and them, and I give you some language on how to do just that.

Finally, I talk about which dating apps I recommend, why, and how we recommend clients handle the use of them (i.e. how to avoid being on them constantly).

Note: This episode is an experiment. I'm testing it out to see if this is valuable, so let me know! If you find it helpful or you have a question of your own you'd like answered, hit me up at dearmenpodcast at gmail.com. I'm listening!

237: Going after the women YOU want (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Dec 30, 2022

If you’ve ever had the experience of being too scared to approach or pursue the women you really want, this one’s for you. (It’s also for you if you’ve ever felt like you were settling for a partner, rather than feeling thrilled and pumped to be with them.)

Many men we work with have found themselves dating or even marrying women who approached them — in other words, they haven’t felt empowered to go after the women they really wanted.

But this often means that they’re not the ones choosing to get into the relationship — sometimes they’ve fallen into it. Here, we talk about sex, dating, relationships, and choice. Because often, when we think we’re stuck or can’t get what we want, we’re really talking about how to work with our anxious/avoidant attachment style. Fortunately it’s more than possible to do so, heal trauma, and enjoy a flourishing sex and love life.

236: GirlTalk: Four women share their hottest sexual experience ever [replay] Dec 23, 2022

Ever wished you could be a fly on the wall while women talked frankly about their sex lives!? We got you. Here, four of us women who have sex with men go into detail around the best sex we've ever had. We talk about dating, relationships, and what made certain men stand out when it came to the sex part.

A few things that made the cut: blow jobs, being tied up, oral sex (him going down on her), intercourse, destination sex, getting wet, anticipation, kink, and "The Jump-Off Guy" (you're definitely gonna wanna hear about that one!).

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"He had me blindfolded so he was like, 'I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to do all the work.'" ;)
"You know when you meet up with an ex and it's like, 'Do we or don't we?'"
"He was very curious and made sure to know what I liked and what I didn't like."

235: "I see a beautiful woman and immediately get triggered. Why?" (ft. Jason Lange) Dec 16, 2022

Ever frozen up around someone you found attractive? It can be exceedingly frustrating — you're fine around other people, but put you in front of a beautiful woman and your system just shuts down. Before you can even get to dating someone, having sex, or being in a relationship, you've got to talk to them, right!?

Many of our single clients want to be confident with women. Yet many men report getting triggered before any kind of interaction at all. Thoughts like these interrupt:

"Why would she ever be into me?"
"I don't even like my body. Why would she like my body?"
"I’m 35 and not married yet. What's wrong with me?"

Underlying all of these kinds of thoughts is the issue of worthiness. We've all heard the adage that you've got to be able to love yourself before you're truly able to love another — but how do you get there? How do you overcome deep-seating self-loathing? The feeling of never being enough is an exhausting one to carry around. Fortunately, you don't have to keep shouldering that burden alone.

For example, here are a few thoughts Jason used to have: "Why would she ever want me? I don't have enough experience. I don't get why she'd pick me over other guys."

Now he's married to a woman who cherishes and respects him, and is a heathy father to boot. The truth is, overcoming the freeze response is related to your own sense of self-image, as well as your bodymind's capacity to hold intensity. And all of that is changeable, workable, and capable of transformation.

If you've ever had thoughts like, "I'm tired of being alone" or, "I'm scared I'll never meet someone," then this episode will also be relevant for you.

The Dear Men podcast episode mentioned on this episode (on children of neglect): Episode 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange)

"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive." - Dr. Brené Brown

234: GirlTalk: Something we crave from men but rarely ask for ... [replay] Dec 09, 2022

There's a critical dating/relationship skill that some men have mastered, and it makes a huge difference on our side. It makes us feel special and also has us relax such that we can show up in our most exquisite, sexy radiance. But we'll rarely explicitly ask for it. Kinda like certain things in sex, we don't always say this out loud, but it's on our minds and in our hearts.

What's great is that it's not even a difficult skill! A lot of our clients say things like, "Wow, this is easier than I was expecting." But it pays dividends in terms of boosting polarity.

It's also a relevant skill whether you're dating or in a committed relationship. If you want a woman to love spending time with you, get this down. Becoming adept at this skill will have women feel more secure with you and more turned on.

The exquisite hotness of a man with a plan cannot be underestimated.

233: Creative monogamy -- how to open up a relationship strategically (ft. Dr. Joli Hamilton) Dec 02, 2022

Ever wondered what it's actually like to open up a relationship -- meaning explore ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as polyamory? Whether you're wanting more or different kinds of sex, or just more connection, love, and variety in your relationships, your desires are valid, and being in an open relationship can be healthy and fulfilling.

But open relationship/polyamory can be a confusing and scary thing to bring up. How do you say, "I want us to stay together and date other people" without triggering your relationship partner? That said, different kinds of relationships can actually be a better fit for many. Maybe even you and your partner?

If you've ever wanted to know how to responsibly transition a marriage or other long-term relationship from monogamy to more, listen to this. We explore Joli's work guiding couples through the process of opening up, including how to navigate "the flip." No, this isn't a sex position ;) -- it's when the partner who brought up opening up sometimes becomes less enthusiastic later on.

This can be worked through, of course, as can all the other anxieties or uncertainties associated with the process. And the truth is, a lot of both sexual fulfillment as well as emotional maturity and health can result in the process of opening up.

A few notable quotes from this episode:

“If my partner wants more, I must not be enough.”
“We expect monogamy to protect us from jealousy.”
“If I’m a people-pleaser and you’re a people-pleaser, how come no one is pleased?”
“I believe that conscious relationships work.”

Books mentioned on this episode:

Polysecure
Open Deeply
Open Monogamy
Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell

Joli's site: joliquiz.com

232: Love languages, conflict, connection, and repair Nov 25, 2022

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like she was nitpicking at you, like you could never do anything right? Or ever been in a phase where it felt like she was never happy with you, and was sharp and poky or picked fights for seemingly no reason?

Real talk: When I feel loved and cherished by my man, little things don't bother me as much. But when I question that love or don't feel cherished, then I feel triggered all the time ... and I don't show up as the warmest, most loving version of myself. (Also we tend to have less sex when we're not in a connected phase.)

This is partly a love language issue. Once we're out of the honeymoon phase during dating, which according to neuroscientists actually lasts close to two years, it can feel like we don't know what went wrong. We used to get along so well; we used to have incredible sex and things felt easy. Now it feels harder.

Our culture doesn't teach this, but a large part of a healthy, conscious relationship involves learning how to love each other well. We're not born knowing that. And love languages are a critical part of this. Love languages are how we feel loved by our partners. We may know intellectually that they care about us, but those warm and safe, connected feelings don't just stick around.

Listen to hear about the five different love languages, the different dialects within them, and how to apply these in a practical way to love your partner better and feel more loved yourself.

Other memorable quotes from this episode:

"Seafood and me are not friends"
"First you need the self-awareness around how YOU feel loved"
"Ultimately we're talking about teaching each other how to love one another well"

231: Her journey from vanilla marriage to BDSM and kink! (ft. Sara) Nov 18, 2022

Ever wished you could explore different kinds of sexy things in your relationship? How exactly does one go from missionary position to consensual flogging? Well, let us tell you!

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, there's a lot of mystery around kink and BDSM. What "counts" as kinky, and how do you talk to your partner about wanting to explore it? How does one even get started in BDSM? Is it all whips and chains, or how does that work exactly!?

We go into all this and more as Sara takes us on her own personal experience going from a pretty vanilla marriage to a full-on kinkster and practiced rope bottom (someone who likes to get tied up). She experiences a tremendous amount of freedom in rope bondage — something that may sound like an oxymoron but actually isn't.

If you've ever wanted to get your freak on or hear an open discussion of exploration and sexual freedom (as well as hear about BDSM for couples), this isn't one to miss. Talking about sexual taboos is all the rage. ;)

Mentioned in this episode:

Shibari: Japanese rope bondage

FetLife — a popular social media site for those interested in kink and/or BDSM

Rigger: Someone who does the tying in a rope bondage situation

Rope bottom: Someone who is tied up in a rope bondage situation

230: How do I inspire my woman to want more sex with me? (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Nov 11, 2022

A pattern we often hear from the men we work with is that it's really hard for them to approach their partner for sex. This could be a dating partner or someone they're in a long-term committed relationship with. Heck, it could be their wife. If you've ever Googled, "How do I get my wife to have more sex with me?" you're not alone.

The fear of approaching a partner for sex is real, and it can actually impact the whole relationship. For example, Jason noticed that after a year of being with a partner, it actually got harder for him to approach her for sex, not easier. Why is this? What's going on?

Here, Jason delves into his own personal experience with trouble initiating sex with partners in the past, and how he resolved it. We also talk about:

How to keep up your confidence if you've been turned down/felt rejected a few times. It's possible, and we also want to validate your experience of it sucking!
The magic sauce you can pour on during the day that'll help a woman want to be sexual with you later that night
How, when you learn how to initiate sex in a more masterful way, it can actually improve your whole relationship, not just the sex

As always, if you've got questions or comments you can get me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com!

229: Men have body image issues, too. (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 04, 2022

When we think about body image, shame, and appearance, we often think about women. And for good reason — there's a lot of pressure on women to look a certain way, and it's easy to feel less-than if you're not in your 20s with a flat stomach, a perfect ass, and a great rack.

But men have all kinds of emotions and self-judgment in this area, too. Ever felt like you're not enough? That you're somehow lacking in terms of your appearance? You're not alone!

Whether it's feeling fat, not having six-pack abs, having body hair, or not feeling like your skin color is welcome, there are all sorts of feelings men have around appearance — and we wanted to talk about that. Especially since self-love, self-image, and self-esteem are all directly related to a man's experience of sex, dating, and relationships with women (and whoever they're sexual with).

In this special episode, some of our brave clients also share their own answers to the following:

Were you ever teased or bullied about your weight or appearance, and how did that impact you?
In what ways has your weight or appearance prevented you from going for what you want?
If you’ve gone through a body transformation (i.e. losing a bunch of weight or somehow altering your appearance), what was your relationship to your body image like before, and what is it now?

The neglect episode referenced in this episode:

196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange)

228: Setting the mood for sensuality ... (ft. Amy Anthony) Oct 28, 2022

What does it actually mean to "set the mood"? Yes, candles are fantastic — they give that soft light that makes everybody look great, and there's something to be said for that when it comes to sexy time. But there are lots of other ways to increase and enhance pleasure of all kinds, including scent.

Aromatherapy is powerful, and here we outline how essential oils can aid in everything from helping you to calm down, as well as to develop self-love. Whether you're in a dating phase or a committed relationship, the fact is that how you feel about yourself impacts the connection between the two of you, and aromatherapy can be a powerful way of keeping you connected to nature.

There are some essential that can even help you boost your prostate health, reduce anger, and assist with nurturing and self-acceptance.

My favorite quotes from this episode:

“Plants are for everybody, and flowers are for men, goddamnit.”
“We want to enhance receptivity.”

227: How a woman can reclaim her erotic essence (ft. Violet Lange) Oct 21, 2022

Want that sizzle, that dazzle, that magical mystique? Of course you do. Everyone does. And if you're in a long-term relationship, it can feel harder to maintain that over time.

We're witnessing an epidemic of sexless relationships -- some studies put it at 15% of all marriages. When it comes to sex, sensuality, and a woman's erotic essence, it can be easy to lose.

One way this can show up is as mismatched desire. A man wants sex with his woman (i.e. wants to know, "How do I get my wife to have sex with me more?"), but she's not feelin' it. Maybe she feels like her libido is low. Maybe she wants to figure out whether there's something wrong with her -- isn't it her wifely duty to "provide sex" to her husband/man?

Here, we delve into the pattern of losing one's erotic essence as well as the delicious ways to reclaim it. YES, it is possible to get that sexy, sassy, soulful passion back -- both in a relationship as well as just in your own body.

If you’re interested in staying in the loop about the program we reference at the end of this episode, email one of us: dearmanpodcast@gmail.com or Violet at: violet@violetlange.com.

Violet's site: https://violetlange.com/

226: GirlTalk: When men do this, we melt. (Yes, really!) [replay] Oct 14, 2022

Want hot sexy polarity in your relationship or dating life? You're gonna want to master this. It's the one relationship skill to rule them all. Here, we get personal and real about the men we've been with who've done this skillfully (and made us want to drop our panties), as well as those who've missed the mark. You can learn from both.

Where many men are taught to be either passive or aggressive, there is a middle way. And it's hot when men do it. What is it? Leading. Leading isn't being a dominant, aggressive asshole and it's not being a pushover or a doormat. It's being assertive in a healthy way. It's having a basic plan for a date and then being willing to adjust if things come up. It's being willing to lead with vulnerability when it comes to attraction. Here, we go into detail about what our experience has been around sex, dating, relationships, and why we've found it so damn sexy when a man can lead.

225: We're talkin' tussling! How positive emotional tension can enhance your relationship (ft. Dr. Robert Glover) Oct 07, 2022

Ever felt like a woman was testing you, pushing your boundaries in annoying ways, or giving you a "shit test" (not a great term, but one you may be familiar with)? Here's a hint: if you don't want negative emotional tension, you may need to become skilled at positive emotional tension.

Whether you're in a dating relationship, long-term marriage, or somewhere in between, the feminine is mysterious. Many men are baffled by how to relate when it seems like what he's doing is never enough. Why can't she just be satisfied? Why does it feel like she's always poking at you, overreacting to something small, or picking a fight? Why isn't sex easier?

Here, we go into what women are often thinking or wanting in those moments. We outline positive emotional tension (aka conscious tension), and how it can actually strengthen your relationship. And we cover the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension, which can actually be fun — and unhealthy abuse. This includes knowing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and how to avoid partners with BPD. We also go into how loving, conscious dominance can lead to hot sex. ;)

A few memorable quotes from this episode:

"Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
“If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”
“We all get needy.”
"How can a man tell, 'Is it ever going to be enough for her?'"

Resources mentioned on this episode:

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

224: What does it mean to have honest sex? (ft. Shana James) Sep 30, 2022

What does it mean to actually be honest when it comes to sex?

A lot of couples never really talk about their sex life in depth. Sure, maybe one person in the relationship says they'd like to be having more sex. But that's different from having real, raw conversations about what's working, what each person wants more or less of, and what their deep-down turn-ons actually are.

Why? Because it's scary to have these kinds of talks! Whether you're new to dating or you're in a long-term, committed relationship (or even married), it's hard to be open about sexual intimacy. And at the same time, not having honest sex comes at a cost. When you're not real with your partner about sex, you're cutting off a part of yourself. Then you tend to feel more distant. More separate.

So how do you overcome this? How do you talk about sex with your partner in a way that's inviting instead of intimidating? Who brings it up and how? What if you wanna explore BDSM? Here we talk about all that — what it means to be truly honest, and how to elicit your partner’s truth and desires and share your own.

Mentioned on this episode:

Shana's site: https://shanajamescoaching.com/

223: Sexological bodywork, somatic sex education, and overcoming trauma (ft. Chris Muse & Alyssa Morin) Sep 23, 2022

Ever wished sex were easier? As in, that you could feel totally comfortable in your body, fearless in your sexuality, easily ask for what you want, and facilitate hot sexy experiences with women you feel attracted to?

Maybe you contend with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or porn addiction. Maybe you're ashamed of how much you want sex or don't even go after women you really want because you're unsure you'll be able to perform sexually. Maybe you're with a partner but feel like you two could have a way better sex life.

If any of this feels familiar, questions can come up like, "Why am I this way?" And, "How do I grow beyond this?"

A lot of the men we work with are survivors of developmental trauma, aka little-T trauma. Big-T trauma tends to be more "obvious" (domestic violence, sexual abuse, war, etc.). But little-T trauma (developmental trauma) can have equally as big an impact on your nervous system and mind.

And it affects not only how you feel about yourself, but how you operate sexually. One thing that can help these kinds of patterns dramatically is sexological bodywork — a modality that specifically helps with sexuality and overcoming trauma. Here we outline what sexological bodywork is and isn't, as well as somatic sex education.

Yep, we're talking about how to overcome erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation. We're talking about how to stop feeling ashamed of wanting sex, or of feeling like a bad man for even thinking about it. Want to overcome childhood trauma and thrive sexually? Listen on, my friends.

Sites mentioned in this episode:

Chris Muse's site: www.chris-muse.com
Alyssa Morin's site: www.alyssamorin.org
The Verdant Collective: www.theverdantcollective.com (for those who identify as women)
Directory: https://sexologicalbodyworkers.org/

222: Are you using your woman for sex? (ft. Jason Lange) Sep 16, 2022

Do you want more sex with your wife (or partner)? Ever wanted to have sex in order to feel better? Do you get really pent-up when you haven't had sex with your woman in a while?

Men these days are overwhelmingly lonely. Over the past 30 years there has been a drastic drop in rates of friendships for both women and men, but the trend is far more pronounced for men. One study showed that nearly one in three men said they couldn't name a best friend, and a full 18% said they had no close friends at all.

What does this have to do with sex? Well, there aren't a lot of places where modern men get to feel closeness, warmth, and emotional safety. For many, sex with their woman is one of the only places where they can. But this comes at a cost. A lot of men don't realize they're using their woman for sex -- that there's a way they actually need sex with her to feel OK. They aren't conscious of how they're using her for sex.

Intrigued? Take a listen. We talk about this trend we've seen in clients, as well as what to do to address it.

221: What's her feminine storm, and what's abuse? (ft. Violet & Jason Lange) [replay] Sep 09, 2022

Ever been abused by a woman partner? Been with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? If so, you're not alone. But you may be confused.

Physical abuse is pretty clear — if someone throws something at you or hits you, you know they're abusive. But what about emotional abuse? The line between her healthy emotional expression and emotional abuse can be blurry sometimes, especially if you're isolated and haven't told anyone about what's going on.

Secrets are rarely healthy, and never when it comes to relationship issues that have you feeling depressed, anxious, or on edge. Whether you're single, in a dating relationship, or married, you should know what's OK to tolerate and what's not. This is also a good episode for anyone who has related with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. We go into the difference between a woman's healthy expression of feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration — and what crosses the line into abuse.

220: How do I tell if she likes me? (ft. Jason Lange) Sep 02, 2022

What are the signs a girl likes you? How do you know whether a woman is interested? If you're a man who has sex with women and you've ever wondered how to tell if she likes you, you're not alone. It can be especially hard to tell when it's a woman in a service role, like a barista, waitress, or cashier. How do you know whether she's just being friendly or she's interested in dating you or being sexual with you?

As a late bloomer, Jason shares his own personal journey around figuring out how women work, what the "open door" signals are, and when to pursue versus stop trying.

I talk about my own personal experience of signaling to a man that I'm into him, and what it looks like when I drop handkerchiefs ("come and get me!" style). We also talk about the importance of striking while the iron is hot when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. Oh, and of course there's a bit about eye contact in Da Club. ;)

219: How do you handle it if one partner's up and the other is down? (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 26, 2022

As a culture we don't talk about this a lot, but what happens when you're jealous of your partner? Not jealous in the traditional sense, but wanting to feel as successful as your partner — say financially, or career-wise.

It can be hard to handle it when your partner is doing better than you in a certain way, because while you want to be happy for them, you may also wish you had that great job, opportunity, money boost, etc. As a man, this may hit extra-hard if you feel like you "should" be the one to contribute more financially. (What if she makes more than you?)

The fact is, if you're in a long-term relationship, each of you is going to go through different seasons in life. Sometimes one of you will be up, and the other will be down in a certain area. So whether you're dating or in a long-term relationship, this dynamic is worth exploring. Believe it or not, it can actually bring the two of you closer together if you remain awake, aware, and are willing to engage in conscious dialogue.

218: Lost that spark? How to get the chemistry back in a long-term relationship (ft. Alicia Davon) Aug 19, 2022

If you've ever been married or in a long-term committed relationship, you know that the sparks that flew at the beginning don't just keep burning over time -- especially if kids are in the picture.

When you're cohabitating, parenting, running a household together, and dealing with life's everyday stressors, sexy time can fall by the wayside. While sex is vital in a healthy relationship, desire can seem to fade.

The good news? It is possible to get that hot sexy spark back. Here, we discuss Alicia's personal experience with that, as well as in her many clients. In her words, "the loss of the chemistry is the primary complaint when people come work with us." But it doesn't have to stay that way.

Mentioned on this episode:

For access to the Pleasure Course, text 415-308-9580 or email alicia@erwandavon.com or go to: https://erwandavon.com/inquire/

217: When sex is about more than just the sex. (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 12, 2022

Ever felt like your wife or partner has sex with you just to fulfill her duty in the relationship? That she's not really into it, but knows she "should" or feels like she "must"?

If so, you're not alone -- for many men, one of the most painful experiences in long-term relationships is feeling like their partner is just "letting" them have sex with them, but doesn't really want to be doing it. It can be immensely lonely, not to mention demoralizing.

Fortunately things don't have to stay this way. Here, we talk about the loneliness inherent in this kind of sexual and relational dynamic, and how to come out of it. If you've ever wanted to be closer with your wife or partner but haven't known how to get there, this is one to listen to.

216: Special GuyTalk: Sexual challenge, consciousness work, and relationship Aug 05, 2022

Ever struggled with porn addiction, premature ejaculation, concern over how your cock looks (for the record, all penises are beautiful, including uncircumcised ones)?

Ever had trouble asserting yourself in relationship, or telling the full truth, or asking for what you really want?

This SPECIAL EPISODE goes into all that and more. Our first mosaic episode, these brave men all share their answers to three questions:

What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?
What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?
Why do you choose to do consciousness work?

If you've ever wanted to hear the raw truth from other men on the path, then get in here. I couldn't be more proud of these men and their vulnerability, growth, humor, and love.

215: Are you intimidated by her emotions? Here’s what to do (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 29, 2022

Ever been scared of your woman's upset? You’re not alone. Perhaps you can hold space for her hurt, anger, or grief if it’s not about you (i.e. she’s upset about work, or a friend). But as soon as it’s about something you did, you want to turn away or you get overwhelmed.

Whether you're dating, married, or somewhere in between, if you’re always at the mercy of your woman’s feelings, your life can feel out of control. And “feminine storm” is not an excuse for her to rail at you. There are both toxic and healthy expressions of upset, and you’ve got to know the difference in order to stay safe (and keep your kids safe).

That said, holding space for a woman’s hurt is one of the most profound ways you can serve her. It’s also deeply bonding. Learn to do this skillfully, and you can experience true freedom in relationship. Your ability to hold space for — and even elicit — her full range of expression also leads to hotter sex. ;) When she feels deeply heard, seen, and known, even in her "big" feelings, she wants to open to you like a big, beautiful flower.

214: How does the father wound affect a man? (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 22, 2022

"Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad," says Roland Warren, former president of the National Fatherhood Initiative. "And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that hole, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed."

If your sex and love life hasn't worked — i.e. you often attract chaotic partners; or you can't seem to screw up the courage to approach the women you really want; or you just keep getting ghosted no matter what— then you may have a father wound.

Here we go over 3 common archetypes around the father wound and what their impact is on a man. This includes dads who either physically or emotionally absent, as well alcoholics and those who had a mental health issue like depression/anxiety.

The good news? It's more than possible to overcome the father wound and grow into the healthy masculine. We specifically lay out the concrete strategy you can use to prevail over this wound. Yes, it takes work to get there, but it's totally achievable — and worth it.

213: “Why isn’t my wife attracted to me anymore?” (ft. Jason Lange) [replay] Jul 15, 2022

Ever had these kinds of thoughts?:

“If I didn’t initiate sex with my woman, we’d never have it.”
“My partner doesn’t want sex as much as me.”
“I sometimes feel like she only has sex with me because she feels like she has to."

If so, you’re not alone. This is a painful problem in a relationship. When you feel like your partner is constantly turning you down, that rejection button just keeps getting hit over and over. It can be excruciating.

Why is this happening and what can you do about it? Here, we break down the pattern, where it can stem from, and steps you may need to take. The truth is, if you constantly feel anxious, depressed, or stressed due to your relationship, it may not be healthy.

If you’re longing for more intimacy — not just sexual intimacy, but closeness — in your marriage or committed relationship, give this a listen.

212: Have you had a disappointing love life? (ft. Dr. Thomas Jordan) Jul 08, 2022

"I was raised by a mom who was dependent, controlling, and self-centered. Then I looked for women like that."

So begins this episode about what it's like to attract the wrong kind of women repeatedly ... and then do something different to get a different result.

The root of the word "familiar" is family — what we learn in the family is familiar. So what did you learn in your family system, and is it serving you now in your ability to form healthy attachments with romantic partners?

If you didn't have good role models, fear not! You can un-learn what you learned in the past. It is possible to grow, heal, and attract healthy partners. If you've ever felt like giving up on love, or you just don't understand relationships, or dating or sex or any of it -- listen to this.

“Living without love in your life” mentioned in this episode: https://lovelifelearningcenter.com/how-to-live-without-love-in-your-life/

211: One of the deepest modalities I've encountered thus far (ft. Jessica Hagan) Jul 01, 2022

Most men I work with want a healthy, happy love relationship. Yet it often feels like there's something in the way -- some kind of block or sense that there's something "wrong." This can even provoke the kind of loneliness that leads to thoughts of suicide.

If this is you, then one thing to include in your awareness is your family lineage. You likely know your parents had a massive impact on who you became. But did you know you can carry legacy burdens from grandparents and even older ancestors?

Family constellations, or family systems constellations, is one of the deepest and most profound modalities I've ever come across. It's a kind of somatic therapy -- a way of healing on a body level, in community. Listen to learn how family constellations can help with chronic and seemingly intractable patterns like attachment issues, feelings of isolation and abandonment, and even the desire to die.

Books mentioned in this episode:

The Constellation Approach: Finding peace through your family lineage

Even If It Costs Me My Life: Systematic Constellations and Serious Illness

---

How to overcome anxious attachment; how to overcome avoidant attachment; how to deal with anxious/avoidant attachment; how to become securely attached; how to get to secure attachment.

210: Dating after 40 -- turns out it can be better than ever (ft. Jade Chang Sheppard) Jun 24, 2022

When Jade got divorced and entered her 40s, she had some fears and uncertainties ... especially after going to The Internet for advice. But her explorations of sex, dating, and relationships after 40 turned out to be both rewarding and hot. And she's sharing them with the world through her brand, Scarlet Society.

Whether you identify as a woman or man or something else, if you're doing the dating thing after 40, things can feel intimidating. Even if you're not divorced and just getting back out there, things can be hard —especially on the apps! Questions like, "What DO I want?" are appropriate. On this episode we cover things like:

What's it like being single again after years or even decades of being married?
What do you do when you've done everything society says you should do, but you still feel empty, or some sense of, "Is this all there is?"
Can I be a feminist and still be submissive in sex (or dominant)?
What exactly is ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and why is it gaining popularity?

Articles mentioned in this episode:

One Woman’s Guide to Feeld, the Alternative Dating App (https://bit.ly/3tYvaMX)
You should date a younger man -- really (https://bit.ly/3yfvDNj)

209: "I knew I wanted something different, but didn't know how to get there." (Jason Lange) Jun 17, 2022

When Jason was in his 20s he felt stuck and kind of numb. He'd never had sex. He'd had a really hard time with dating and relationships. He couldn't put his finger on it, but even outside of dating women it was like there was something missing in his life. Like he knew he wanted something different but didn't know how to get there.

Then he went to an in-person men's workshop. Within twenty minutes of work with a mentor, he got to a place he hadn't gotten to in 3 years of talk therapy. It was a transformative experience that released something that had been stuck in him for decades. In a way, it set him free and set him up for the life he actually wanted to lead.

Why is in-person men's work important? What's different about live personal growth work?

If whatever had the thought, "Whatever I'm doing isn't working," you're not alone. And it doesn't have to stay that way. Give this a listen. It might just change the game.

208: GuyTalk: "I used to suck at girls ... and now I don't." Jun 10, 2022

Ever felt like you suck at girls? Examples:

You just don't know what you're doing when it comes to dating (or sex, or relationships)
Getting along really well with women in general but when it comes to initiating with a woman you like, you freeze up
Wondering how to approach women without being creepy

Whether you're a late bloomer, you feel like you're lagging behind and other guys know how to do this better, or you're just unsure in this area of your life, you're not alone!

Here, four real men get personal with respect to how much they used to not know what to do when it came to sex, dating, or relationships with women.

Then they go into how far they've come! Several are actively dating or in a relationship now, and they get specific about what changed that had them feel more secure.

It turns out things get a lot easier when you figure out how, as a man, to lead in life and love in a way that's genuinely authentic to who you are (not some pickup artist nonsense).

If you're looking for a little hope and inspiration, this isn't one to miss! Also you don't want to miss one man's description in this episode of "somewhat coed situations." ;)

207: Staying together for the kids? There are things you should know. (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 03, 2022

Should you stay together for the kids? It's a critical question. When a relationship/marriage isn't working (say because your sex life is dead) but you're great co-parents, it can be confusing. Should you stay together because that gives the kids "stability"? What does that really mean? Here, we talk about how healthy vs. unhealthy relationship dynamics affect your children, whether "making it work" actually works, and what you role model to your kids daily, without even saying a word. Growing often requires getting uncomfortable, but if you want your family to truly thrive, sometimes facing discomfort is the bravest thing of all.

206: “Our first sex was terrible ... and here's why I married him” (ft. Anna Rova) May 27, 2022

Ever wondered whether you can have a passionate marriage even if the beginning was rocky? Ever wanted to know what powerful, sexy women really want from their partners? Here, Anna Rova shares her experience of moving from a less-than-stellar first sexual experience with a man, to saying YES to marrying him a year later. How does that work!? The answer is pretty great ("Oh, he definitely didn't have game when we met."). We also cover what it means for strong, successful women to "do the work," stories about men, the role of dating & relationships in the modern world, and the future of fully awake, alive partnerships.

205: So an introvert and an extrovert walk into a bar… (ft. Jason Lange) May 20, 2022

… and get into a relationship. ;) What then!? How does being an introvert or extrovert impact your sex, dating, and relationship life? How do you make sure to get enough alone time while also getting enough connection? Negotiating things like how much time you spend together is critical in maintaining a healthy & loving partnership, and knowing yourself and how to support your partner makes you masterful at relating (which, let’s be honest, makes you sexy). As Jason is a strong introvert and I’m a strong extrovert, this is a fun episode with lots of personal stories and meaningful questions.

204: GirlTalk: Gettin' down and dirty. We're talking blow jobs! [replay] May 13, 2022

If you're a man who has sex with women, chance are you'd love to know how women really feel about going down. We got you. In this frank discussion, we talk about how we feel about giving blow jobs in casual dating scenarios vs. committed relationships, what makes a BJ particularly awesome to us, and the differences between engaging in oral sex on someone else vs. receiving oral ourselves. We also touch on power dynamics, porn, sexual satisfaction, and how giving a BJ can be a very hot experience -- for both the giver and receiver. If you've been wanting to improve your marriage or help your sex life, you may also find some valuable tips here. Fellatio-my. ;)

203: Let's Get Real Bro: Is the missing piece in your relationship life bros? (ft. Weston Karnes) May 06, 2022

When you think of the success of your relationship, or how to improve your marriage, the first thing you think of might not be how close your male friendships are. But if you're lonely (and you can definitely be lonely while you're dating someone or with your relationship partner -- hell, you can even be lonely during sex itself if it doesn't feel connected), then everything in your life is impacted.

Weston Karnes created the game Let's Get Real Bro to help make it really accessible for guys to connect with each other. Questions like, “If you were dating yourself, what parts would really suck?” -- are not ones you'd normally pose to your guy friends, but they can make conversations deeper, richer, and, well, funnier. If you've been feeling like there's something "off" in your sex, dating, or love life but can't put your finger on it, take a listen. There may be something here.

202: 'Our sex life isn't working, but other things in the relationship are. What do we do?' (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 29, 2022

What do you do when aspects of your long-term relationship work, but your sex life is DOA? Sex therapists define a sexless marriage as one in which the couple has sex 10 times a year or fewer — in other words, just under once a month. If you're in this position, it can feel hopeless. You can feel deprived and helpless and lacking in intimacy, unsure of what to do or where to go. What if, while your sex life sucks, you're great co-parents, raising wonderful children together? The fear of what could happen in a breakup (which might be a divorce) can often lead to a certain kind of paralysis. Here we discuss the hope behind the heartbreak; what to do if you're in this position and the elements of polarity that can bring a couple's sex life back from the brink; and what we've seen in the clients who've made it through to the other side.

201: 'Life was one big party I wasn't invited to': Overcoming social anxiety (ft. Ryan Black) Apr 22, 2022

Ever felt like you're either left out or somehow behind everyone else when it comes to sex, dating, or relationships? Is it hard for you to be around someone you're attracted to without freezing or feeling like you're somehow messing it up?

Social anxiety, including the common, sometimes crushing anxiety that comes from being around women you're attracted to, is extremely possible. Here, one man describes his experience overcoming such social anxiety, which included delving deep into the pickup artist community (PUA). We talk about why pick-up "techniques" didn't work for him, and what worked a whole hell of a lot better. Within months of engaging with women in the new way he learned, he was ethically dating multiple women, and is now in a relationship with a girlfriend he cares about deeply. It can be done, and the path there might not be what you expect.

200: GirlTalk: What makes a man trustable? Apr 15, 2022

For many men, there's nothing better than knowing that you're deeply trusted. And for many women, a man who inspires profound trust also inspires deep, embodied surrender — including sexually. Combine polarity and trust, and you've got a powerful relationship. So what does it take for a man to be deeply trusted by the feminine? Here, we reveal the traits that are the most important to us when it comes to how trustable a man is, whether we're dating, in relationship, or simply having sex with him. Whether you're looking to improve your marriage, inspire a new dating partner, or become the man you've always longed to be when it comes to being trustworthy, you'll get something out of this candid discussion of the men who inspired our deep trust, and to whom we wanted to gratefully and gracefully surrender.

199: Want to overcome trauma quickly? De-armoring can help (ft. Sunny Ju) Apr 08, 2022

The core of most attachment issues, relationship problems, and sexual dysfunction (like not being able to get it up, keep it up, or cum when you want) is often trauma. When you address your childhood trauma, whether that's neglect, abuse, or just poor role models when it comes to relationship patterns, you fundamentally transform yourself and your experience of sex, dating, and relationship. Somatic modalities like de-armoring, outlined here, can help drastically in letting go of trauma, and can specifically help those who wish to overcome erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and more. Here we cover somatic de-armoring, including cervical de-armoring and anal de-armoring, but also body-based de-armoring, such as helping the psoas muscle release tension (this is known to sometimes hold repressed memories and/or emotions). Men, women, non-binary folks, and all human beings can benefit from this practice.

198: Want a harder cock more of the time? Screw Viagra. Do this. (ft. Brian Ayers) Apr 01, 2022

Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects about 30 million men in the US alone; a whopping 30-40% of men report struggling with premature ejaculation (PE) during their lives; and delayed ejaculation affects 1-4% of men. So if you've struggled with some kind of sexual performance issue as a man, you're not alone. It's no wonder, then, that a lot of men turn to things like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, Stendra, etc. But what if you really don't want to take drugs? Brian works with men from all different walks of life, helping them boost their overall sexual health -- and change can happen quickly. If you want to overcome erectile dysfunction, handle premature ejaculation, or just have more control over your erections and boost your overall sexual health, you'll want to listen to this.

Brian's YouTube channel (mentioned in this episode): https://www.youtube.com/c/BrianAyers23

197: How does fatherhood change a man? (ft. Tripp Lanier) Mar 25, 2022

One of the most pivotal moments in a man's life is becoming a father. How do you prepare for it? If you're already a father, how do you reconcile mistakes you've made? How does parenthood affect a couple's sex life? There are both immense joys and challenges in the process of becoming and being a father, and Tripp breaks down his own journey as well as insights from his experience coaching hundreds of men. We also touch on meaning, purpose, career and fulfillment, in addition to sex, love, dating, and relationships.

196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange) Mar 18, 2022

Ever pushed someone away in a relationship without even realizing it -- or known you were doing it but couldn't stop? Ever felt needy or anxious in dating to an outsized degree (i.e you're more anxious than most when it comes to sex, going on dates, or connecting with a dating partner)? When you're seeking to improve your romantic relationship, or just improve your relationship to dating and sex, you need to know about behind-the-scenes emotional "stuff" that could be in your way -- including childhood neglect. As sex and relationship coaches, many of our clients experience the patterns we talk about here, and if you identify with this, this is an episode you don't want to miss.

Article mentioned in this episode: https://www.lovemyanxiousbrain.com/childhood-emotional-neglect-romantic-relationships/

195: Good vs. bad couples counseling -- what to know (ft. Figs O'Sullivan) Mar 11, 2022

There's a difference between good and bad couples therapy. When you're trying to understand how to improve your marriage/romantic relationship, you often need help. Fighting about sex, money, or who picks up around the house can get exhausting, especially if you're going in circles. Couples counseling can help, but you need the right help. Here we cover Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), which Psychology Today calls "The Most Effective Couples Therapy, by Far." According to a meta analysis, 90% of couples who go through EFT significantly improve their relationship, and 70-75% no longer fit criteria for relationship distress. The next leading modality has a 35% success rate. Both men and women (and everyone in between) will be able to identify with the patterns discussed here. Oh, and we also talk about naked mole rats. ;)

194: The "Orgy King" who overcame crippling sexual insecurity (ft. Kenneth Play) Mar 04, 2022

Ever felt like your cock wasn't big enough, or worried that because you don't know how to please a woman in bed, she'll shame you in some way? Kenneth Play used to be so terrified of sexual performance and concern over his cock being too small that he wouldn't even really approach women. But that all changed at a single, fateful sex party. This episode isn't one to miss!

Kenneth's site: https://kennethplay.com/

193: Want freedom from attachment? You can get there. (ft. Tracy Crossley) Feb 25, 2022

You can be an expert on your anxious, avoidant, or anxious/avoidant attachment style, but that doesn't necessarily help you actually get to healthy attachment. What does it actually take to get there? Tracy Crossley and I break it down, and in a fascinating twist we cover the link between healthy attachment to other human beings and your attachment to life itself. Tracy also shares her own in-depth experience of moving into healthy attachment over time — the work we each need to do solo, and then the work we must do in relationship.

To find Tracy's podcast: https://tracycrossley.com/podcast/

192: Opposites attract, but can they repair? (ft. Azrya & Benjamin Bequer) Feb 18, 2022

When you're in a relationship, how do you navigate the really hard conversations — the ones where you know you could be risking everything by even engaging the topic. Like, for example, "I want kids" when you know the other person doesn't. Coordinating moments or even long periods of tension in a relationship with grace is part of what a healthy relationship is about. But it turns out you need to have a strong relationship with something else to even be able to do that in a romantic partnership. Listen for what that is.

Benjamin & Azrya's site: https://www.beqoming.me

Their IG: @beqoming

191: Supporting a woman in her sexual pleasure & healing (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) [replay] Feb 11, 2022

Sexual trauma shows up in different ways — both physically and emotionally. For example, some folks may not have undergone sexual abuse or assault, but have experienced religious trauma that actually impacts their physical body and experience of sex. If you've ever had a woman partner who struggled with vaginismus, vaginal dryness, sexual trauma, or other issues with ladyparts, you'll appreciate this non-judgmental, open conversation about sexual pleasure on the feminine side. Topics include vaginal steaming, the jade egg, sexual healing, and more. Plus shifts in levels of libido (what if hers is higher?) and how lubrication changes over time.

Violet's site: https://violetlange.com/

190: Responding to a woman's criticism masterfully (ft. Jason Lange) Feb 04, 2022

Ever wished you were better at receiving feedback in dating or relationship? For many men, it's a challenge to respond with grace instead of defensively when getting hard feedback – especially from a woman. Here, Jason shares how he has grown in his own marriage around feedback, criticism, and expression. (We also acknowledge that there's a difference between a woman shaming you and offering you a heart-based message.) When you can skillfully incorporate feedback, it's extremely nourishing to women. Master this, and you'll often have a woman who wants to open herself to you in a number of ways, including sexually. Who doesn't want hot, openhearted sex?

Jason's site: https://evolutionary.men/

189: GirlTalk: Does size matter? Jan 28, 2022

Yep, we're talkin' about cocks! When it comes to penises, there are all different kinds, and as women who have sex with men we've seen a whole variety. Sex, dating, and relationships with penis-owners wouldn't be the same without that magical appendage. Your cock is sacred and we love it. Here we discuss whether size matters in sex, and what kind of cock play we enjoy. ;)

My sex research and course mentioned in this episode: www.pleaseherinbed.com

188: Want to date well? Getting to the "hard stuff" fast can help (ft. CanWe founder Russ Haywood) Jan 21, 2022

Ever been frustrated by the dating apps? If so, you're not alone -- studies show 40-50% of people using them are frustrated! Maybe there's a better way to evaluate your fit with someone, and be guided through the "hard" questions that can make or break a relationship (even if it's casual). CanWe is a dating/relationship guidance application that helps potential new couples get to know one another in a new way. Imagine being able to see how your new dating partner actually feels about having kids, critical political issues, sharing finances, or polyamory in a smooth way, without having to "pry" or ask questions that might feel too personal too soon.

187: Sex worker talks virgins & threesomes & brothels, oh my! (ft. Alice Little) Jan 14, 2022

Ever wondered what it's like to work at a high-end, legal brothel? Alice Little, attuned sex worker and essentially intimacy coach, discusses her work with men, women, and everyone in between — including neuro-divergent men who are first-timers when it comes to sex, as well as what it's like guiding a couple through their first threesome. We also talk about sex toys, legalization, and what Alice's dating life is like!

186: GirlTalk: Approaching us in the wild (the "cold approach") [replay] Jan 07, 2022

Ever seen an attractive woman at a coffee shop, grocery store, or just on the street who you'd love to get to know -- but don't know how to approach her? It can feel challenging to "cold approach" in a way that feels safe to her. Here, four of us women who have sex with men share stories about times a man approached us that didn't feel so great, and times when it was fantastic! Dating and relationships can feel daunting but can actually be smooth; it always helps to get an insider view.

185: A Sex Journal for Couples (ft. Levina Li & Caleb Spaulding) [replay] Dec 31, 2021

Both men and women want even better, more connected sex (for that matter, who doesn't)? Whether you're having casual sex, in a dating relationship, or married, all couples can use a boost when it comes to high-quality communication about sex. This is a great episode for those who want an easy way to deepen their sex life.

184: GirlTalk: Men, money, and masculinity Dec 24, 2021

What if she makes more than you -- or vice versa? Should you pay for dates or go Dutch, and is one of those somehow rude/sexist? How do women really feel about the connection between finances and masculinity? Here, we reveal how we feel about men, money, connection, vulnerability, and love.

183: "I'm fine." Handling passive aggression with grace (ft. Jason Lange) Dec 17, 2021

Mixed messages in your relationship can be one of the most frustrating elements of communication. Whether it's about sex, love, or something in between, what do you do when you think your partner is upset but they say everything's fine? How do you handle little jabs -- and what do you do when you're the one issuing them? Here we discuss the ins and outs of passive aggression, as well as what healthy anger looks and sounds like (yes, healthy anger is a good thing). Grasping the dynamics of passive aggression and how to handle things instead could just save your relationship -- or help you build a better, healthier, and more rewarding one in the future.

182: Is your partner a survivor of sexual trauma? What to expect & how to help (ft. Violet Lange) [replay] Dec 10, 2021

If you're a man who has sex with women, chances are extremely high you've slept with a woman with sexual trauma. Signs can include: she avoids sex (even if she used to want it); she dissociates during sex (she's checked out, not into it, or it feels like she's not really there); she physically pushes you away; and more.

It takes a lot of trust for someone to let you know this is part of their history. And if she does tell you, or the two of you discover this, what then? When your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life. For example, how do you balance your own need for a vibrant, healthy sex life if she clearly doesn't want to talk about it? Here, we discuss how to navigate this dynamic, including both supporting your woman and speaking up about your own sexual needs.

Books referenced in this episode:

• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

181: What exactly is polarity? We break it down. (ft. Violet Lange) [replay] Dec 03, 2021

How do you keep sex hot in your relationship over time? How do you generate attraction on a date without feeling like you're forcing it (whether a date with a new person you met while online dating or your wife of many years)? How can you encourage your woman partner to relax, soften, and receive without saying a word? You've probably heard us talking about polarity before -- here, we start at the beginning and discuss what it is, isn't, and everything in between. Polarity is heat, fire, attraction, and magnetism, and it's something you can consciously learn how to work with. Let's do this.

180: Top 3 things we’ve learned after coaching men on sex & relationships for years (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 26, 2021

'Tis the season for reflection, and here Jason and I each share our top learnings when it comes to hearing from -- and coaching -- hundreds of men on dating, relationships, marriage, love, sex, separation, devotion, divorce, infidelity, personal growth, dedication, longing, and more. Whether it's wanting or needing more sex in a long-term relationship, surviving domestic violence, moving from feeling insecure about performing well in the sack with a new person to looking forward to it, the joy of connecting with a woman who's receptive to his gifts, overcoming sexual trauma, or navigating the vulnerability of online dating, we've witnessed our guys move through immense challenges and not just "make it," but thrive. We're grateful to our men for their openness and willingness to grow and transform, and giving us the opportunity to share these kinds of stories. To expansion and the alchemy of change. To life!

179: Why’s it so hard for me to approach my wife/partner for sex? (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 19, 2021

It might seem like a paradox: You're in a long-term relationship with a woman, yet it's actually harder to approach her for sex. You might think it's more difficult to approach a new sex or dating partner, but in fact it can be even more challenging to initiate sex with your wife/spouse. Here, Jason gets personal in terms of his experience having trouble initiating sex with partners in the past, and how he overcame that in his marriage now. Other things we cover:

How do you maintain your confidence to keep approaching even when you've been turned down a few times? (Rejection can be a bitch.)
What helps a woman open up sexually during the day that has her want to get down and dirty with you later that night?
How you can improve your relationship by initiating sex more skillfully

If you've ever wondered, "How do I get my wife to have more sex with me" you'll want to give this a listen.

178: What's it like to have non-ejaculatory orgasms as a man? (ft. Cam Fraser) Nov 12, 2021

In the world of advanced sexual mastery for men, the non-ejaculatory orgasm (aka "energetic orgasm" or "full-body orgasm") looms large. In this episode, Cam Fraser, Australia's leading sex coach for men, gets into the details around this. Because if this kind of sexual mastery is interesting to you as a penis-owner, you may wonder: How do you actually get there? What do you have to develop (and how) in order to be able to come without actually ejaculating? And what does this kind of mastery have to do with how good you are in bed? The answer might surprise you. Other topics we cover here: semen retention, what it was like for Cam to overcome his own experience with erectile dysfunction/premature ejaculation, how he got on the personal growth path, and what it means for sex with a partner when you take ejaculation off the table. Hint: it can be great in both dating and relationships.

177: What's it like being a "wing girl" to thousands of men? (ft. Marni Kinrys, of the Wing Girl Method) Nov 05, 2021

How good are you at gauging whether a woman is interested in you? How 'bout how to "escalate" in a titillating yet ethical (non-creepy) way? YouTube personality Marni has been a "wing girl" to thousands of men over the years, and in this lively discussion we get personal. We cover how she got her start, what she has learned about men, dating, and sex over the years; how her work has been informed by her relationship (married with children); and what she's excited about now.

176: Men, weed, alcohol, and love. (ft. Jason Lange) Oct 29, 2021

Ever wondered whether you have a normal or healthy relationship with weed, alcohol, or another substance? Here's a related thing to consider: I've dated a number of men who used marijuana or alcohol to regulate (i.e. they were functioning alcoholics or weed addicts), and I was scared to tell them how it affected our relationship. It's hard to tell someone you care about that their unresolved trauma and subsequent connection to a substance is a problem for you. Here, Jason and I get real about what it means to have a conversation about this, and what the feminine truly craves from the masculine around this. (Hint: it's not perfection.)

175: Repair conversations, MDMA, and love (ft. Jayson Gaddis) Oct 22, 2021

When your partner triggers you, how do you respond? Do you have boundless patients and flawless boundaries? Or do you struggle to know how to get your needs met while also ensuring that your partner feels respected, cherished, and seen? Jayson Gaddis, author of Getting to Zero, and I get real in this conversation that includes how to "out" ourselves with vulnerability skillfully, and how that can help with repair (i.e. conflict resolution). We also touch on the deal with addressing trauma patterns with plant medicines like MDMA. This episode will spark some ideas about how you show up in relationships in your own life, whether sexual or not. Practicing repair is just as valuable in dating and committed relationships as it is with friends, colleagues, and family members, and it's worth it to learn how to become more masterful at it.

Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships: https://www.gettingtozerobook.com/

174: How knowing your "hottest sexual movie" can make for smokin' sex (ft. Celeste Hirschman) Oct 15, 2021

Nope, we're not talking about your favorite porn video -- we're talking about what your particular psyche finds sexy. It turns out your hottest sexual movie is a fundamental part of your sexuality you might not even know about yet. Celeste has worked with thousands of both men and women to discover their core desires, and we discuss themes that arise around them (i.e. women often want to feel desired, special, and seen in sex, while men often want to feel powerful and competent). Whether you're single, in a dating relationship or committed, long-term partnership, you knowing about your own core sexual movie as well as how to elicit that from your partner can up both your pleasure and your mastery when it comes to doing the dirty. ;)

Mentioned on this podcast:

Somatica Institute: https://www.somaticainstitute.com/

Books: Cockfidence, Making Love Real, and Coming Together

173: Conscious Cock. What is it and how can it help you? (ft. Kristopher Lovestone) Oct 08, 2021

When you think of a sex educator, you probably think about school. But the truth is a lot of us need sex education as adults (even married folks!), and Kristopher Lovestone is a passionate advocate of healthy, fun, and informative sex ed for men who have sex with women. His new book Conscious Cock provides a wealth of info, which we discuss. We also cover his own fascinating story of going from a child who survived six divorces (yes, six!) to a happily married husband and father himself. We also talk about a "yes, no, maybe" sex list (it's very cool -- you'll want to know more) and how you as a man can make sex even more pleasurable for both you and your partner on a regular basis. Hot sex, dating, and relationships for all!

172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer) Oct 01, 2021

What has a woman who has sex with men want to sleep with a man again and again? What, according to sex research, makes a man great in bed? It's not what you might think. I was recently on Robbie Kramer's podcast Leverage discussing findings in my sex research. Thousands of women revealed what, to them makes a man a great lover. Interestingly, less than 5% of women talked about a man staying hard all the time; less than 2% talked about penis size, and less than 1% talked about a man having a good body. But over 70% of women mentioned one specific trait that the men who are best at sex cultivate. Whether you're dating, in a committed relationship, or somewhere in between, you're likely to get something out of this lively back-and-forth on sex, communication, polarity, male/female dynamics, and more.

171: Adventures in cross-cultural dating (ft. Robbie Kramer) Sep 24, 2021

Ever dated someone from a different background, or from a different country? What's sex and relationship like with a language barrier? Robbie and I get down and dirty in terms of our experiences as North Americans dating in Western and Eastern Europe, South America, Japan, the Caribbean, and beyond. If you've ever had sex or dated someone abroad (or wondered what it's like) you'll enjoy this lively discussion.

170: How do you overcome sexual shame? (ft. Becky Carter) Sep 17, 2021

Ahhh, sexual shame. Most of us have it to some extent, and it can severely limit your sex and relationship life if you don't get it handled. Fortunately, integrating sexual shame is more than possible when you put attention on the right things. Whether you're in a dating relationship, having casual sex, or you're in a committed relationship, becoming sexually confident results in more fulfillment and joy. Here we go through some of the blocks or obstacles to living a fully sexually expressed life, and how we've seen clients move past these into sexual freedom.

169: Making after-sex cleanup awesome, one couple at a time (ft. Frances Tang) Sep 10, 2021

“In short, the idea for Dripstick started at the intersection of baking and laziness.” Frances Tang is the founder and CEO of Awkward Essentials, and an all-around awesome human being. In the world of sex tech, she's also unique -- her product makes it easy for women to clean up cum (yep, you got that right) after sex. That might not sound like a big deal, but for many women it's unpleasant to have the good stuff leaking out for hours after doing the dirty. In the world of sex, dating, and relationships, personal hygiene is always a win -- and hers is a fun story of rising above while cleaning up down below.

168: From Christian pastor to stripper! How she overcame religious trauma (ft. Nikole Mitchell) Sep 03, 2021

Ever felt guilty or ashamed of your sexuality because of your religious background? Nikole Mitchell started life as a Baptist ... and is now an OnlyFans star! Along the way to reclaiming her full, passionate sexuality, she set boundaries with family members and learned how to be right with her own sex drive. She's also a sex-positive mother of three, has been through divorce, and knows what it means to leave the church. If you've experienced religion trauma or find yourself shaming yourself over your authentic sexuality, you'll be inspired by her story of rising above, getting laid, and finding meaning. To good, healthy sex for all!

167: How do I meet women to date in real life (instead of on dating apps)? ft. Camille Virginia Aug 27, 2021

Sick of getting ghosted or having other not-so-great experiences on dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, etc.? While the apps are an important part of the sex and relationship landscape these days, there are lots of other stimulating ways to meet dating and relationship partners. Camille Virgina, author of The OFFline Dating Method: 3 Steps to Attract Your Perfect Partner in the Real World, breaks it down. We also get into how to overcome by social anxiety and loneliness — two common obstacles to dating. Whether you're looking for a new sex or dating partner after a divorce or other breakup, wanting a new polyamorous connection, or just to make new friends, you'll get something out of this candid and uplifting convo on connection.

166: Can psychedelics help heal you? (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 20, 2021

Ever wondered what it's like to do ayahuasca, MDMA (molly), or psilocybin (magic mushrooms)? Are they right for you (can they help boost your sexual confidence, feel less anxious overall, and/or let go of old trauma)? Here, we share our experiences with different "medicines," as well as their huge advantages and drawbacks. People with relationship issues, including anxious/avoidant attachment now have even more ways of healing and moving forward. Psychedelics like ayahuasca, psilocybin, ketamine, MDMA, and more are increasingly used therapeutically, and have a lot of potential to help boost and accelerate personal growth, recovery from PTSD, and more.

Mentioned on this episode:

MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies): https://maps.org/

Johns Hopkins Center for Psychedelic & Consciousness Research: https://hopkinspsychedelic.org/

165: From Air Force Captain to personal growth leader (ft. Bryan Reeves) Aug 13, 2021

"When I got out of the military, I couldn't feel a damn thing." While technically ending his military career as a success, Reeves' internal experience was totally different. He felt miserable and disconnected -- and this was the place from which he dated, had sex, and got into relationships. What happened? Nothing good! His partners were unhappy, he didn't understand why they weren't happy with what he was providing, and arguments ensued. This is a riveting account of one man's journey moving from "traditional," perhaps limited masculinity into its full expression. Breakdown to breakthrough has its illuminating moments. Author of Choose Her Every Day or Leave Her, Reeves

164: What exactly *is* tantra? (ft. Devi Ward Erickson) Aug 06, 2021

Ever wondered what tantra means, exactly? You're not alone. If you picture a bunch of people having a massive sex orgy, or a married couple attempting to spice up their sex life with tantra, you're also not alone. When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, conscious sexual expression is often something to which we aspire but don't always attain. It turns out tantra has a lot more to it than what you might think -- it could be the gateway to profound transformation not only in relationship, but to unlocking your own vibrant, individual aliveness.

163: Ever had red-hot sex with someone who's bad for you? (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 30, 2021

Often the people who are the most sexually attractive to us are the ones who trigger all our "stuff." We call this "trauma sex," and quite frankly, it's hot. It's heavy. It's intense. It's addictive! And it happens to both men and women. Whether in a dating or relationship context (i.e. a marriage) you've ever felt like you couldn't stop sleeping with a woman who was toxic for you (perhaps even a narcissist or someone with Borderline Personality Disorder), you'll appreciate this candid discussion of red-hot sex with someone who's bad for you ... and how to break free of the pattern.

162: What's the difference between porn sex and real-life sex? A woman porn director explains (ft. Holly Randall) Jul 23, 2021

Holly Randall grew up in a household where both parents were in the adult industry (as photographers/producers). Eventually she herself became an adult film director (and podcaster!). In a world where free porn is ubiquitous and affects all of us in our dating and relationship lives, it's worth exploring the differences between porn as depicted onscreen and sex in real life. Here's one gem: She says 90%+ of male porn stars use Viagra, so if you're judging how hard your cock gets or your performance on them ... stop. We also discuss penis size, the hidden truth about anal sex, and much more.

161: 3 common ways women try to control men in relationships (ft. Simone Milasas) Jul 16, 2021

Ever felt like your partner was trying to control you, whether in dating or a committed relationship — for example by withholding sex, subtly shaming you, or making you feel guilty if you needed space? Simone Milasas, author of Relationship: Are You Sure You Want One?, breaks down several common ways women who have sex with men often try to control their partners (sometimes unconsciously). If you've been in a relationship where you didn't really feel like you could be just yourself without triggering your partner, you may find this one validating.

160: She went from not wanting sex at all to deep, fulfilling sex (ft. Irene Fehr) Jul 09, 2021

Irene and her husband started out hot and heavy, but that sexual chemistry didn't last. Eventually sex was painful for her and she sought out help from OBGYNs and other experts ... to no avail. She, like many women, thought she was broken. This took a heavy toll on her marriage, and it was years before she was able to truly enjoy sex again. Now she coaches other women and couples hoping to regain intimacy and achieve a thriving sex life. Whether you're currently dating, in a relationship, or married, you'll get something out of this riveting story of sexuality, relationships, redemption, and how the healing process can seem circuitous but eventually always leads to wholeness.

Mentioned in the episode:

Why Sex Dies and How to Make Love & Sex Work in a Long-term Relationship: www.irenefehr.com/start-here-sex-coaching
Website: www.irenefehr.com

159: It happens to boys, too. Somatic therapies to heal from sexual abuse (ft. Rahi Chun) Jul 02, 2021

Got sexual issues like not being able to get hard when you want to (aka erectile dysfunction), premature ejaculation, or being unable to keep an erection when you want to? Or relationship issues like pushing away a woman you like without not knowing why, getting nervous when things are going towards sex, or disruptive anxious/avoidant attachment dynamics? Trauma -- including sexual abuse or other sexual trauma -- could be at the root. Healing from sexual issues and connection problems is possible when you get the right kind of help. Here are some highly effective trauma recovery modalities that work -- often quickly. Somatic Sex Educator and certified sexologist Rahi Chun breaks it down.

158: How "radical authenticity" can transform your dating & relationship life (ft. Connell Barrett) Jun 25, 2021

Imagine going up to a woman you don't know and saying, straight up, "You're sexy." Can you picture it? Does it give you anxiety? Connell used to be a "nice guy," constantly relegated to the friend zone. But he didn't stay that way — his story is a fun and compelling example of what happens when you reclaim your sexuality and lean into your edges. If you want to become more powerful in your sex, dating, and relationship life, there are valuable lessons here. (And yes, his journey did involve going up to women and just putting it out there: "You're sexy!") As the author of Dating Sucks But You Don't, Connell also lays out some practical dating app profile advice for men here.

157: How to talk dirty during sex -- while making her feel safe (ft. Ashley Manta) [REPLAY] Jun 18, 2021

Ever wanted to spice up your sex life with some dirty talk? Connected sex leads to a happy, healthy relationship, and that can be enhanced by adding in elements like dirty talk during sex. But how do you actually do it? What do you say, and how do you bring it up with a partner? We cover all that, plus a super fun, sexy exercise you can do with your partner to kick things off (hint: it involves a blindfold, but not in the way that you think ... and all clothes can stay on). Whether you're single or in a dating relationship (or relationship or married), there's something here for you.

156: The new dating app that gets you more dates! (ft. Zach Schleien of Filter Off) Jun 11, 2021

Most dating apps for straight folks have about 90% men and 10% women on them -- so the experience for men is often one of scarcity. (If you have trouble getting matches as a man, that's normal.) So wouldn't it be great if there were an app where you could go on 8 mini-dates in an hour and a half? Filter Off is a video-first dating app that helps you meet more people faster, and actually see and hear them before meeting up in person (you'll know if they actually look like their photos!). It's modern dating, streamlined. P.S. Based on this episode, I may run my very own dating event through Filter Off! Want to get in on that? Email me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com to get on the list.

155: How to overcome anxious/avoidant attachment in relationship (ft. Dr. Matt Kreinheder) Jun 04, 2021

If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you'll need to address your attachment wounds. We've all got 'em to one extent or another -- and yours may be more pronounced depending on your childhood. If you've been wanting to overcome anxious attachment (or avoidant attachment) because you're suffering in relationship (or dating), you'll appreciate this episode.

Processing trauma as efficiently as possible requires you to include the body. Healing happens in the body, not just the mind. Somatic therapy like the one we discuss here (Network Spinal Analysis) helps your nervous system heal from anxious attachment, and more. Remember that you don't need to be perfect; you just need to be willing to grow so you can be present in sex, dating, or relationships now. Personal growth DOES work when you do the work. <3

DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP COMING UP: Monday, June 14, 7:30pm PST $20 evolutionary.men/events

154: Can I have female friends when in a relationship? (ft. Jason Lange) May 28, 2021

How do you stay in integrity when you have women friends, as a man in a monogamous relationship. How do you handle it if your partner gets triggered over you meeting up with a female friend, and how can you take steps to prevent that? Some men naturally have more female friends than male ones, or find it easier to connect with women in life than men (not just sexually, but emotionally). There's room for everyone in this conversation, and it's important to know how to get your own needs met and also honor those of your partner.

153: Her sexual healing: How to support her *and* get your needs met (ft. Violet Lange) May 21, 2021

Many couples start out hot and heavy when it comes to sex, only to see that sexual heat fade. One of the sources of this can be unresolved sexual trauma in one or both partners ... which can be hard to talk about. How do you bring up your own need for a dynamic and fulfilling sex life when she clearly doesn't want to talk about it? Here, we look at the dynamic when your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), how it affects your sex life, and what to do about it. If you're a man looking to figure out how to both support your woman in her sexual healing work, and how to speak up about your own need for a thriving sex life (which trauma is getting in the way of), you won't want to miss this.

Books referenced in this episode:

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness, by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

152: GirlTalk: How to go down on a woman so she *loves* it May 14, 2021

If you're a man who has sex with women, going down on women is not a topic you'd necessarily feel safe bringing up with other women in your life. So here's a peek behind the curtain in terms of what women want from oral sex -- what we love, what we crave, what gets us hot. Whether you're wanting to know how to go down on your wife or how to go down on a woman you just met, all the sexy cunnilingus gold can be found here.

151: Curious about consent? Intimacy Coordinators for sex scenes break it down (ft. Jenifer Yeuroukis & Sarah-Jane Hill) May 07, 2021

"How do I get consent?" is a common question men who have sex with women have when it comes to sexy time. Even movie stars need help when it comes to presenting "sex" with consent and healthy boundaries. Did you know Intimacy Coordinators are a thing? They help actors, directors, and others shoot smokin' hot sex scenes that include healthy communication, consent, boundaries, and teamwork. Hearing from these two Intimacy Coordinators is both illuminating and encouraging, especially as they outline common differences between men and women when it comes to their needs and desires around sex, boundaries, and consent.

150: Want a happy, healthy relationship? This could be holding you back. (ft. Ben Goresky & Mark Wolynn) Apr 30, 2021

If you desire a fun, healthy relationship with hot, connected sex and harmonious teamwork, you can have it ... but it takes consciousness work to transcend the wounding of the past. You know you must become aware of how your parents shaped you, but did you know patterns from your grandparents and other forebears can also be involved? Here, Mark Wolynn of The Family Constellation Institute and author of It Didn't Start With You, But It Can End With You breaks down how to heal ancestral trauma. Whether you're married, in a relationship, dating, or single, this is a powerful episode that proves two things: 1. The wounding from our past will repeat itself until it's healed. 2. It absolutely can be. [Note: this episode was originally aired on Ben Gorski's podcast, The Evolving Man.]

DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP THIS MONDAY, MAY 3 (referenced in the episode): https://evolutionary.men/event/drop-in-mens-group-5-03-21/

149: "My wife doesn't want sex anymore." It could be time for this. (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 23, 2021

"My wife doesn't like sex." "Why isn't my wife attracted to me?" "How can I fix my marriage?" These are common questions for men in sexless marriages (psychologists a sexless relationship as one where sex happens 10x/year or less). If you're in a sexless marriage, it's likely taking a heavy toll on you. It's also hard to know what's normal, since we don't get a window into other people's relationships. But if you regularly find yourself anxious, depressed, stressed out, or numbing out due to your relationship -- it may not be normal. Listen for more on what kinds of boundaries are needed in a situation like this. Real talk: Not all marriages or relationships are healthy, and if you're in an unhealthy one, it may be time to end it.

148: Being a male virgin in your 20s, 30s, or beyond (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 16, 2021

Are you a late bloomer? When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, there's a perception that if you're a straight man, you should have sex ASAP, and with as many partners as possible. But the truth is, a lot of men in their 20s, 30s, and beyond are still virgins (or sexually inexperienced), and we don't talk about it enough. If this applies to you, there's nothing wrong with you. And you can move forward sexually if you want to — here's what to know in terms of overcoming shame, anxiety, or uncertainty around sex — and how to bring it up in an inviting way with a partner.

147: Are you afraid of her emotions? Here’s what’s important to know (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 09, 2021

Ever been scared of your woman's anger, sadness, grief, or rage? It can be overwhelming and hard to handle when a woman fully expresses her feminine storm. The truth is, there are both toxic and healthy expressions and it's critical to know the difference. It's also important to know how to skillfully welcome even more emotion in your partner -- an advanced relationship practice that will lead to hotter sex, more intense intimacy, and ultimately a more free and joyful relationship.

146: Special GuyTalk/GirlTalk: Ghosting. Let's break it down. Apr 01, 2021

Whether you're on Hinge, Bumble, OKCupid, Match.com, eHarmony, Coffee Meets Bagel or any of the other multitude of dating apps, you've likely experienced ghosting. Many of us have both been ghosted and been a ghost. Why? What's the motivation, and how does it affect dating and relationships? We get into all the sticky questions here around integrity, sexual desire, emotional dialogue, and honesty (& dishonesty).

145: How to "do" attachment well, according to a couples therapist (ft. Ryan Ginn) [REPLAY] Mar 26, 2021

How do you actually apply attachment theory to relationship, and how do you know when to get outside help (i.e. a couples therapist or coach)? The 2 top things couples argue about are sex and money, and handling that kind of conflict skillfully is challenging. Fortunately, while relationships (whether you're married or not) are complex, but they're not impossible. Here, we discuss uplifting research on attachment, and how it can provide more safety, comfort, and sexy time in romantic relationships.

144: Should you stay together for the kids? (ft. Jason Lange) Mar 21, 2021

It's a common relationship question, especially when a marriage isn't working: Should we stay together for the kids? Should I stay in this for the kids ... even if our sex life is dead? ... even if we fight all the time? Here, we explore the line between "making it work" and unhealthy relationship dynamics that do affect the kids. Sometimes the best thing to do is not to stay together, and there's an art to knowing when it's time to choose to exit in order to thrive -- and to role model thriving to your children.

143: GirlTalk: Dating apps: Our experience (as straight women) Mar 12, 2021

Modern sex, dating, and relationships often Hinge on dating apps (see what I did there?). Whether you're on Bumble, Tinder, Match, eHarmony, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, or, of course, Hinge, your experience will vary depending on a number of factors. Here, we get personal in terms of what we, as women, experience on the apps, and how men can get our attention in a good way.

142: Afraid of being called creepy? This could be why (ft. Jason Lange) Mar 08, 2021

The fear of being called creepy or viewed as a pervert, whether in a sexual scenario, while dating, or even in relationship, runs deep. It can reach levels of terror, especially for men who have gotten messages about their sexuality being "bad" or "wrong" since they were young. What do you do when the fear of being creepy prevents you from approaching women, and how do you address the fear proactively?

141: GuyTalk: Bullying, resilience, and relationships Feb 26, 2021

How does being bullied early in life affect your ability to trust and connect in sex, dating, and relationships later on -- and how can it actually make you more resilient? Three men share their powerful personal stories of not just surviving bullying, but how that experience has since shaped their relationships (with both men and women) as adults. Hint: You've heard of post-traumatic stress, but did you know post-traumatic growth is a thing?

140: The line between her being abusive and her feminine storm (ft. Jason Lange & Violet Lange) Feb 19, 2021

Women want to feel fully emotionally expressed around men, but where's the line between expression and abuse? Here, we take on the issue of women sharing their truth with full power (whether that's their rage, disappointment, desire, or hurt) -- when it's healthy expression, and when it's abusive. Whether you're in a committed relationship like a marriage, a dating relationship, or a sexual one, this is important to know to be a healthy, aware, and conscious man.

139: How to Not Die Alone (ft. Logan Ury & Kristen Berman) Feb 12, 2021

Ever wished you could apply scientific principles to dating? Then you'll love this episode. Behavioral scientist and author of recent Amazon best-seller How to Not Die Alone, Logan Ury draws from social science on sex & relationships, as well as best practices from behavioral science to answer questions like:

Should I give up on someone if I don't feel the "spark" right away? (i.e. not even go on a second date)
What are the most important attributes I should look for if I want a healthy, happy relationship?
How do I sort through all the many choices on the dating apps to find worthwhile matches? (This is especially interesting, since Ury now works for dating app Hinge)

All this, plus Ury outlines the 3 different categories she has repeatedly seen in different daters (essentially the "3 types" of daters.) Which one are you? Whether you're single or in a couple at the moment, you'll get a lot out of this lively scientific discussion on sex, dating, relationships, and love -- and you might even learn How to Not Die Alone.

138: GirlTalk! When should you text her vs. call her? [Replay] Feb 05, 2021

In the age of modern dating, it can be hard to know when to text vs. call vs. FB message vs. Instagram DM her... women and men, guys and girls, everyone differs when it comes to HOW they like to be communicated with. Sex, dating, and relationships are better when communication is clear and easy.

137: Should you stay friends with her? (ft. Jason Lange) Jan 30, 2021

Say you've gone on a date or two with a woman you're interested in sexually and then she lets you know she's not interested in you romantically. Do you stay connected with her even though she doesn't want the same thing as you? If not, what does that say about you -- and if so, what impact does that have on you? Here, Jason and I both share personal experiences around handling crushes, sex, dating, relationships, and true friendship.

136: GuyTalk: Dating after divorce Jan 22, 2021

Getting a divorce can be both freeing and terrifying at the same time. Who you are post-relationship? How do you let go of guilt or a sense of failure if that's part of your experience? And what's the dating scene like now (including sex)? Here, three men share the ins and outs of their experiences during marriage, divorce, and their love lives after divorce -- including what they learned they really wanted and needed.

135: How being 'disrespectful' could help your sex life (ft. Jason Lange) Jan 15, 2021

As a sex researcher, I've repeatedly noticed a trend when men share with me about their love lives: Some men are more comfortable using overly sexual words, while others appear to solely be comfortable using euphemisms (i.e. "being intimate" instead of "having sex"). What does this choice of words have to do with having a healthy sex, dating, and relationship life? Jason outlines his own journey around reclaiming his own sexual power -- and the effect on not only his sexual partners but his life in doing so.

134: Feel let down by your partner a lot? This might be why (ft. Jason Lange) Jan 08, 2021

If you've ever felt like you're constantly the one giving in a relationship and never receiving, this is for you. If it seems like you're always doing for the other person and then feeling used and/or cast aside, this is for you. There's this thing that happens in most sexual, dating, and committed relationships at some point, and we rarely talk about it openly. This is one of those episodes. Take a listen.

133: GirlTalk: Masturbation! Jan 02, 2021

How do girls and women learn to masturbate? How does that different from boys, and how does that then inform the sexuality of each? Here, we get down and dirty, sharing our own personal stories around what self-pleasing sex is for us (masturbation), and how that intersects with our dating and relationship lives. We also discuss a surprisingly fun way that several of us have found of empowering ourselves sexually, especially around speaking up for what we want in sex.

132: What if she's not doing the work? Can it work? (ft. Jason Lange & Violet Lange) Dec 25, 2020

If you've ever wished your partner would open up more or grow in a certain area (i.e. sexual openness or emotional intimacy), you're not alone. Where's the line between wanting someone to "change" vs. to grow, and how long should you "wait" if your partner isn't showing up in the way you need them to? Here we get real about what to do if you don't feel she's doing the work, whether in sex, dating, or a relationship context like marriage.

131: Feel like you can never get it right with her? This dynamic could be why (ft. Shana James) Dec 18, 2020

There's a frequent pattern in male/female relationships where he feels like she wants him to read her mind, he feels like he can never get it right, and she emasculates him. Here, we discuss the deeper, underlying reasons for it, how to address it, and what it means for your sex life as well as the relationship (hint: it's not good! But it can get better). We also touch on reverse polarity and what it means to lead in relationship. The goal is always for you to feel respected, her to feel supported, and for both of you to be able to get your needs met.

130: GirlTalk: The best sex we've ever had :) Dec 11, 2020

I'm talkin' about that good good lovin': that can't-wait-to-have-you, make-the-mattress-jump, happy, good sex. Whether it's in the context of a casual dating relationship, a committed partner, or something in between, we dish our stories of the men who've given us immense pleasure. (We also cover stories of sex that was less than great, and what made the difference.)

129: Setting boundaries with family. 'Tis the season! (ft. Violet Lange) Dec 04, 2020

The number one indicator of whether a marriage will succeed or fail is not about the quality of the match or anything else you might predict; it's whether each person has individuated from their family of origin. In other words, when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships -- especially long-term relationships like marriages -- your ability to set boundaries with your family is absolutely mission-critical.

128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange) Nov 20, 2020

Ever been in a relationship where little things set your partner off? Ever gotten the silent treatment (or had sex withheld from you) because you did something "wrong", even though it was hard to figure out what the "rules" were from day to day? Ever spent a lot of energy trying to please your partner and apologizing just to keep the peace ... even though it wasn't really logical that you'd have to apologize for what happened? You might have been relating with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a must-listen episode for anyone who can relate.

127: The secret to inspiring your woman to want more sex with you! (ft. Becky Wells) [replay] Nov 13, 2020

Ever been with a partner where you wanted more sex than she did? It can be more than just frustrating -- it can kill a relationship. It's not always about libido, either -- often it's a pleasure & communication issue. It's really hard for a woman to tell a man that something he's doing hurts, or isn't working. In fact, 10% of women say it's "impossible" to speak up when something isn't working in sex. Whether you're dating, in a relationship, or married, learning to skillfully talk about sex (and how to make it insanely pleasurable for her) makes things better both inside and outside the bedroom.

126: If you don't want sex with tons of women, is there something wrong with you? (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 06, 2020

A lot of men feel like they're "supposed" to want to bang every woman they possibly can, and that if a woman makes herself sexually available, they "have to" have sex with her. But what if you're not attracted to her, or you don't feel safe in some way? We talk a lot about safety for women (which is critically important), *and* there are dynamics around safety for men that are also vital. Here, we talk about the dynamics of attraction, culture, and dating when it comes to men, women, sex, pressure, and relationship.

125: 2 sex coaches open up about men, love, and growth (ft. Shana James) [replay] Oct 30, 2020

When it comes to men, women, and sex, things can feel complicated. But when you zoom out, a lot becomes clear. My friend Shana James and I have collectively coached thousands of men, and seen several patterns emerge again and again. Here are the top 5 things we've learned as sex, dating, and relationship coaches for men who relate with women.

124: How to have the women YOU want, want you back  (ft. Jason Lange) Oct 23, 2020

Ever felt like the women you really want don't want you back? It's exceedingly frustrating (and not good for your sex, dating, or relationship life) when you feel like you're settling instead of going for what you really want in terms of attraction and the feminine. Here we delve into the personal, lived experience of anxious/avoidant attachment style, and how to overcome it to have the flourishing sex and love life you've always wanted. There's also some solid relationship advice about navigating trauma.

123: The best therapy to help your sex & love life (might not be what you think) (ft. Z Zoccolante) Oct 16, 2020

If you've ever repeated patterns in your sex, dating, or relationship life, you know how frustrating it can be. Keep attracting unavailable women, or women with severe trauma? You probably want to stop doing that. And while talk therapy (traditional psychotherapy) can help, somatic therapy can be more effective. Here, a somatic therapist takes us behind the scenes to explain what somatic therapy entails, and how it can help you to have a thriving sex and love life. Whether you're married, dating, or single, this is relevant AF.

122: The 3 different kinds of female orgasm! (ft. Melanie Scott) [replay] Oct 09, 2020

Yes, sexuality is mysterious, but I'll bet you didn't know there were 3 different kinds of female orgasm! A lot of women don't even know about all 3. Whether you're a man or woman, and single, dating, or in a relationship (including married), knowing about these orgasms is both fun and informative. Your sex knowledge is about to expand. ;)

121: A brilliant & inexpensive alternative to couples therapy! (ft. Mark & Ayesha) Oct 02, 2020

When it comes to talking openly about sex and relationship, couples are often strangely isolated. You don't usually discuss the intricacies of your life as a couple with friends, and a couples counselor can sometimes be overkill for what's needed. So if you're in a committed relationship (like a marriage) that's good but you want it to be great, you want it to feel even more intimate, exciting, uplifting, sexy, and inspiring, Couples Coaching Couples will be very interesting to you.

120: What if you're still a virgin (or sexually inexperienced)? (ft. Jason Lange) Sep 25, 2020

Will she still want to have sex with you if you're still a virgin at 26 years old (or 29, 34 or older)? What if you're divorced or getting divorced and you've only had sex with 1-2 women your whole life? You don't have to be sexually experienced to satisfy her, whether you're dating or in a relationship. Here we talk about how to overcome the anxiety, shame, and uncertainty if you haven't had a lot of sex with women before -- and how to even bring it up in an inviting way with a partner.

119: GirlTalk: Blowjobs! What we like and don't like in oral sex on men Sep 18, 2020

Do you give blow jobs at Da Club, during casual sex, or only in a committed relationship? Do you prefer to spit or swallow? We get into all the dirty details as we explore blow jobs in sex, dating, and relationships. We touch on power dynamics as well as how porn informs our sexual scripts. There's also a LOT of laughter.

118: GirlTalk: Cheating. We get personal. Sep 11, 2020

Cheating is complicated. The effect of sex with someone outside your relationship (or emotional cheating in some cases) can be devastating and cause immense harm. It can also prompt immense healing, or post-traumatic growth, as we cover in this episode. The nuances of sex, dating, relationships, trust, and betrayal are covered as we reveal our personal stories around cheating.

117: What does it look like for *women* to "do the work"? (ft. Violet Lange) Sep 04, 2020

Men aren't the only ones who struggle with dating, relationships, and sex. Women of all ages, including those just out of a divorce, have insecurities around sex, dating, and relationships, including around trust, dating etiquette, and more. We discuss what it means for women to do the work in terms of personal growth as well as growth in a relationship, and how when women bring sexy back (to themselves), they grow in their own personal power, which deeply serves the masculine, as well.

116: Dating during COVID-19: how does it work? (ft. Violet Lange) Aug 29, 2020

Sex, dating, and relationships (including marriages) have all been affected by the coronavirus pandemic of COVID-19. There are unique challenges as well as opportunities to grow here, and people are definitely still meeting, dating, falling in love, and deepening their relationships right now. We discuss dating during COVID (How do you meet people? When you go on a date, do you Zoom first or just do in-person with a mask?), as well as how it has impacted people who were in relationships when the pandemic first hit.

115: Is it easier for men or women to get into a relationship? (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 21, 2020

Is it easier for men or women to get into committed relationships? What about to get a first or second date, have casual sex, or find The One? In the world of man/woman heterosexual dynamics, there's a lot going on, both culturally as well as personally (including your attachment style). Here, we explore both our own views as well as yours, as I work in your survey responses to this question.

114: GirlTalk: The 1 relationship skill to rule them all Aug 14, 2020

A lot of dating relationships start out in the honeymoon phase -- lots of sex; fun, engaging dates; fantastic natural polarity. Then comes the first disagreement, maybe even an argument or fight. How do you deal with conflict well? How do you have a quality repair conversation, where both people feel heard and loved? How you deal with conflict, tension, and repair is basically what separates a healthy & safe relationship from a toxic one. This is one relationship skill you want to master, whether you're single, in a relationship, or looking to improve your marriage.

113: The sexiest vacation you can take (ft. Mario Cruz) Aug 07, 2020

It's not always easy to find fun, sex-positive environments where women feel safe to be fully expressed and men also feel totally welcome. Whether you're polyamorous, curious about more open relationship-style connections, or just want a sexy, flirty vibe on a trip, there's something for you here. Temptation and Desire are the name of the game -- and can lead to growth and joy in sex, dating, and relationships.

112: How quitting porn supercharged this man's sex life (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 31, 2020

A multi-billion dollar industry, porn and porn addiction have a massive impact on our sex, dating, and relationship lives. Both men and women are affected, but porn has an outsized impact on men in terms of contributing to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases. How do you quit porn, and why should you quit porn? Here's how one man overcame porn addiction and the ways he grew both as an individual and in terms of sexual mastery in his relationship with his woman.

111: GuyTalk: 3 black men talk sex, dating & relationships (ft. Jules, Graze, and Ahmad) Jul 24, 2020

What's it like to be a black man in the world of dating and relationships? What role does emotional safety play in a healthy sex and relationship life, and what is that like for men vs. women? We experience sex, dating, and relating in different ways depending on our race, sex/gender, and sexual orientation (among other things). The sometimes overlapping and sometimes distinct experiences of these 3 different men touches on themes around love, connection, racism, allyship, and the ways we experience our humanity through romantic relationship.

110: GirlTalk: 3 black girls talk dating (ft. Ivy, Nina, and Amber) Jul 17, 2020

What's it like to be a black woman on dating apps? What does allyship look like in dating and relationships? What kinds of gifts do you get when you date inside your race vs. outside of it? Sex, dating, and relationships are intimate parts of our lives, and we experience them differently depending on our sex/gender, sexual orientation, and race (among other things). This fascinating, lively, and poignant discussion is deeply personal, illuminating, and a beautiful portrait of the intersection of 3 women's experience of being black and the world of dating.

109: The secret to attracting the right women (and not the wrong ones) ft. Jason Lange [replay] Jul 12, 2020

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we tend to repeat patterns until we break them. Many men report attracting women who are emotionally volatile (hot or cold); seemingly selfish (always take but don't tend to give); or sort of narcissistic. But there's a secret when it comes to attracting the right women. Hint: It's not about the woman herself as much as the man attracting her. Here's how to be a skillful picker and attract what you want -- a healthy, loving relationship.

108: The key to dating with ease & overcoming anxiety in sex & relationships [replay] Jul 06, 2020

It's easy to feel alone and lonely, even when there's not a global pandemic on. These three men inspire with their stories of going from stress and anxiety around sex, dating, and relationships to genuine ease. The path to deep, fulfilling, and healthy relationships with women is a meaningful one -- and doable, even if you've never gotten there before.

107: Race, Privilege, and Healthy Masculine Leadership (ft. John Wineland, Preston Smiles, Dr. Siri Sat Nam, and Connor Beaton) Jul 01, 2020

How can men help? This thoughtful panel discusses race, racism, privilege (including white privilege), and healthy masculine leadership. Sex, dating, and relationships all unfold against the cultural background we are raised in, and we can only be good partners when we fully grasp our part in the culture. In other words, racial justice matters on both a personal and systemic level. #blacklivesmatter [Please note that this is a replay of John Wineland's June 5, 2020 Community Support Call, and can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwjSCvVmT74]

106: Getting sex back in a sexless relationship (ft. Ken Blackman) [replay] May 31, 2020

Polarity is complex and involves a number of dynamics, including men leading and women surrendering (both in sex and outside of it). But it also involves relationship "landmines" -- topics you both avoid because you're afraid it'll blow up your relationship. Here we delve into that, and the surprising sexual energy released when you both finally tell the truth.

105: GirlTalk: When men do this, we get wet! (Yes, really) [replay] May 24, 2020

Polarity is HOT when men do this in relationship! Whether you're dating or in a long-term relationship like a marriage, the dance between the masculine and feminine is smoother, easier, and sexier when men have developed this fundamental sex and relationship skill.

104: What does it mean to "do the work"? (ft. Jason Lange) May 16, 2020

We repeatedly see that men and women who "do the work" are the ones who get into (and sustain) healthy relationships. Doing the work almost always improves your sex, dating, and relationship life. So what exactly does it mean to do the work? (Hint: it's not always easy, but it's always worth it.)

103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this (ft. Violet & Jason Lange) May 10, 2020

What happens in a romantic relationship when a man is more in his feminine energy and a woman is more in her masculine energy? Hint: not a lot of hot sex. Here, we go into David Deida's concepts of stage 1, stage 2, and stage 3 relationships and how each side of a couple can grow into even deeper, hotter, and more satisfying sex than ever.

102: BONUS GirlTalk - on men being in their power May 04, 2020

Whether in sex, dating, or relationships, both men and women grapple with how to be in their power. If being powerful doesn't mean being controlling, what does it mean? A woman in a relationship with a man is profoundly impacted by how much he's owning his own sense of self, boundaries, and attraction. We cover all this as well as the importance of the phrase, "Maybe it's a bath night."

101: First-ever listener panel! on owning power as a man (ft. Ben, David & Mark) Apr 24, 2020

What's a memorable time you owned your power? How about a time you didn't? Three loyal Dear Men listeners drop wisdom on sexual confidence, freezing up with a girl, how to cultivate a quality marriage, and more in this first-ever listener panel on our topic for the month: owning your power as a man in the modern world.

100: Being masculine & having emotions: how to "do" it well (ft. John Schinnerer) Apr 17, 2020

Men are often shamed for having emotions, which is holding back men, women, and culture as a whole. As a man, how do you deal with your anger, sadness, and also your joy? How do your emotions impact your sex? It turns out a man being emotionally skillful is part of what has him feel SAFE to the feminine. Healthy women *want* a man knows how he feels and can process those feelings. Here's how one man navigated getting there while being present to his masculinity.

99: A power couple talks about power in their relationship (ft. Jason & Violet Lange) Apr 12, 2020

How does a man being in his power affect his woman? Whether in sex, dating, or relationships, the way WE show up affects how the OTHER person shows up -- whether it's a man impacting his woman, or vice versa. This is a cool exploration of how Jason and Violet's relationship unfolded, the obstacles they navigated together, and a description of the resilience of their love.

98: How to boost your sex appeal by owning your power (ft. Kevin O'Malley) Apr 03, 2020

Women love a man who's in his power. Power isn't dominance (a point that a lot of men and women get confused). Sex, dating, relationships, and love are all served when the masculine owns his power -- and here's one man's story of going from a man who held back and waited and was passive, to one who owns his power as a leader and a lover.

97: Using a matchmaker: what to know (ft. Matchmaker May) Mar 27, 2020

Both men and women have used matchmaking for centuries in cultures all over the world. Here we talk about the world of modern matchmaking, its relationship to sex, what men and women look for, and more.

96: How do you date if you have a mental illness? (ft. Jim of NoLongerLonely.com) Mar 21, 2020

How do you date if you've got a diagnosis like schizophrenia, an anxiety disorder, clinical depression, or bipolar? You can always use NoLongerLonely.com, a dating site specifically designed for you! Founder Jim goes through his impetus for creating the site and his experience with sex, dating, and relationships with a clinical diagnosis.

95: How NLP can dramatically help your sex & love life (ft. Mark Sing) Mar 06, 2020

Unconscious & subconscious beliefs about sexuality, dating, relationships, and women can block men from what they want. Beliefs that were installed in childhood (like, "Don't bother anyone" or, "I'm not enough") can prevent you from going for what you want in sex and relationships as an adult. In this episode we discuss how your beliefs may be affecting your dating and relationship life, and how to un-install beliefs that aren't helpful anymore. Gamechanger! Featuring NLP dating coach Mark Sing.

94: Real-life sexual healing (ft. Melissa Davison, Certified Sexological Bodyworker) Feb 28, 2020

A lot of men and women need sexual healing. Dating and relationships can bring up old issues, and sexual healing can happen with a sexual partner, but it can also happen with a compassionate professional. Sex issues like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and more do NOT have to be your permanent reality. Sexual healing can take place in just a few sessions with a clinical sexological bodyworker, which is both inspiring and exciting.

93: An unexpected way to improve your dating life quickly (ft. Feb 21, 2020

This simple practice can also improve your sleep, help you focus, calm your nervous system, and keep you grounded in a world where you may frequently feel overwhelmed. It can also be an important element of an ongoing healthy relationship with your partner.

92.5: Dr. Robert Glover: 5 essential dating tips for men [REPLAY] Feb 14, 2020

Dating women, as a man in the modern world, can be a challenge. Here, we cover 5 practical tips on how to ask her out, handle sex, and relationship dynamics you need to know about.

92: How to do dirty talk! (ft. Ashley Manta) Feb 07, 2020

Ever wanted to get freaky in bed but worried what your partner would think? Here, we get down and dirty about sex, dating, safe words, trust, relationships, and how to bring things to the next level in bed with words. Men and women alike will benefit from this sexy education in how to do dirty talk well.

91: Need more touch in your life? Try this (ft. Soleiman) Jan 31, 2020

Modern men and women are both touch-deprived, but especially men. Sex, dating, and relationships are easier and smoother when you have ways to get your touch needs met along the way. This is an important and worthy discussion about one solution to get more touch into your life (and learn boundaries along the way).

90: 2 simple hacks to improve presence in sex (ft. Ashley Manta) Jan 24, 2020

Want to be an extraordinary lover? Sex, dating and relationships with women all vast improved when you, as a man, cultivate these skills. Men who know how to make her feel safe, sexy, and wanted win in all kinds of ways.

89: Tantric dating: What is it & how can it help you? (ft. Catherine Auman) Jan 17, 2020

Dating and relationships between men and women are complicated -- you're looking for The One, but what do you do about those you meet along the way? Do you ghost them or discard them? Tantric dating suggests there a way to value dating relationships and keep an open mind (and heart).

88: The Truth About Marriage (ft. Roger Nygard) Jan 10, 2020

Why is the divorce rate so high? What can couples do to increase their odds? One concrete thing is premarital counseling. Filmmaker Roger Nygard interviewed dozens of sex, dating, and relationship experts (including psychologists and social biologists) to come up with some other interesting answers.

87: A fun way to help your woman feel super sexy (ft. Vixen DeVille) Jan 03, 2020

If you want a fun date idea (whether you're dating or in a relationship), listen to this! We talk about healthy sex, sexual expression, and how you as a man can help women open up even more. (Spoiler alert: burlesque, striptease, and sexy dance may be involved!)

86: How do you to tell someone you have an STD? (ft. Adrial Dale) Dec 27, 2019

Sex, dating, and relationships are challenging -- especially when you add an STI (aka STD) into the mix. Here, Adrial shows how having an STI like herpes can actually be an opportunity for greater intimacy between men, women, and any other sexual and relationship partners.

85: GirlTalk: Men & Money -- an honest dialogue Dec 20, 2019

As a man, do you need a lot of money to be successful with women? Who should pay on a date, or the hotel on a weekend getaway when you're in a relationship? Here, we get honest about how we feel about men and money when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships.

84: How alcohol affects your relationships with women (ft. Omar Pinto) Dec 13, 2019

When it comes to men, women, dating, relationships and sex, alcohol is frequently part of the equation. But what do you do when your drinking starts affecting (or compromising) your relationship? One man's exploration of his own alcoholism is illuminating.

83: What's it like to host a sex party? (ft. Emma Sayle) Dec 06, 2019

Killing Kittens is a woman-run sex party company that also hosts sex-positive mixers and events for both men and women. Founder Emma Sayle takes us through what it was like to create the organization and how it can improve your sex, dating, and relationship life all at the same time.

82: If you cultivate this 1 quality, you'll magnetize women (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 29, 2019

Whether you're single, dating, or in a relationship, if you're a man who has sex with women, you're going to want to listen to this. This skill is make-or-break in terms of attracting women and setting the feminine on fire, both sexually and romantically.

81: Overcoming erectile dysfunction & premature ejaculation (ft. Ruwan Meepagala) Nov 22, 2019

The penis: it's miraculous and can also prove frustrating for some men when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. What do you do when you can't get it up or you come too soon? Ruwan shares his personal journey overcoming erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

80: Ethical porn: what is it? Why should you watch it? (ft. Liz Lovely of GoodPorn) Nov 15, 2019

If you're talking about men & women, sex & dating, relationships & turn-on, eventually you're going to talk about porn. A multi-billion dollar industry, it's both polarizing and perpetual. Respect for performers (porn stars) is just one part of the equation. Ethical porn is sexy ... and important.

79: GirlTalk: How to "cold approach" well (hitting on women you don't know) Nov 08, 2019

If you see an attractive woman at Whole Foods, a cafe, or just on the street, how do you talk to her without being creepy? Four of us girls share our favorite stories on times men have done this well. Dating, sex, and relationships are easier when you get the inside scoop. :)

78: GuyTalk: Going down on women! Nov 01, 2019

Oral sex, cunnilingus -- it's a part of sexuality, dating, and relationships that can help two people be very connected ... or disconnected, depending on the circumstance. Here, three man get real about going down on women and its impact on their relationships, including married life.

77: A brilliant invention to help your woman feel FREE during sex! (ft. Emily Sauer) Oct 25, 2019

When a woman feels pain during sex, a man can often feel helpless. Alone. Whether in a dating, relationship, or marriage context, painful sex can be very damaging - but doesn't have to be! Sextech CEO Emily Sauer talks about her personal experience with this issue and her brilliant invention to help with it.

76.5: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain (ft. Z Zoccolante) [REPLAY] Oct 18, 2019

What do you do when sex hurts? What if it hurts for your partner, but not you? A woman describes her life as a newlywed and then a young married woman for whom sex was painful ... and how she and her husband negotiated that.

76: Sex: what do you do when your woman stops wanting to have it? Oct 11, 2019

Sex is critical to both men and women in marriages and relationships of all kinds (including dating). What do you do when one partner -- husband or wife -- stops wanting to have sex? This episode covers one man's personal journey of sexual difference in relationship.

75: GirlTalk: How to NOT be creepy as a dude (and help women feel safe) Oct 04, 2019

Men and women have different experiences in the world, including around sex and safety. We talk through times men have done things that felt creepy vs. things that have had us feel safe, whether in dating, relationships, or otherwise.

74: How to generate sexual attraction skillfully: polarity in practice (ft. Jason Lange) Sep 20, 2019

Men and women often want to turn each other on, especially in the context of sex, dating and relationships. But how do you keep sexual attraction hot in longer-term relationships, like marriages? The evolution of modern relationships suggests that polarity plays a key role.

73: GirlTalk: Going down on women -- how to make it exquisite Sep 13, 2019

When it comes to sex for women, going down on her is one of the most pleasurable acts. Oral sex can bring immense pleasure ... or it can be meh. Whether in dating or committed relationships, men who are skilled in this sexual act stand out.

72: PeopleTalk: When are you 'ready' to be in a relationship? Aug 30, 2019

We get real and personal in discussing whether we feel "ready" to be in a relationship. Whether you're a man or a woman, and whether it's just sex, dating, or a marriage you're wanting, there's an art to understanding whether you're prepared physically, emotionally, and spiritually for relationship.

71: A real couple reveals what it's like to go to counseling [REPLAY] Aug 23, 2019

What is it really like to go to couples counseling? A real couple shares their personal journey of navigating sex and partnership, and how a couples therapist has been an invaluable addition to their relationship. Both men and women will get a lot out of this one.

70: GirlTalk: This skill makes us *fall in love* with a man Aug 09, 2019

In both dating and long-term relationships, there's a skill that some men have honed that makes us women fall in love. If it's not present, it's also frequently a deal-breaker. A woman who gets this from her man swoons.

69: Why talk therapy doesn't always work for men, and what does (ft. Brooke Bergman) Aug 03, 2019

Both men and women need relationship support, but the default couples counseling session and talk therapy overall can have limited success for men -- and there's nothing wrong with men who've been through that. Whether we're talking about sex, dating, marriage, or other things, we need to support and understand men in order to support lasting transformation.

68: Overcoming porn addiction: one couple's story (ft. The Couple Cure) Jul 26, 2019

Porn addiction has become a major issue in modern dating and relationships. Both men and women are affected, and it can destroy a marriage or relationship if it's not handled properly. Here, one couple shares openly about their journey through porn addiction and out into the other side.

67: 'GuyTalk' response to the skill that makes us wet (ft. Jason Lange) Jul 19, 2019

Men, women, sex, dating, and relationships -- it's complicated. One thing that simplifies it is this relationship skill that, when guys do it well, makes girls swoon.

66: GirlTalk: When men do this, we get wet. Jul 12, 2019

Men and women want to connect, and this relationship skill rises above the rest as critical when it comes to feminine turn-on. When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we women LOVE when men *drive.*

65: The secret to attracting the right women (and not the wrong ones) ft. Jason Lange [REPLAY] Jul 06, 2019

There's a secret to attracting the right women, whether for sex, dating, or relationships. Hint: It's not actually so much about the women as about the man attracting them. Here's how to be a skillful attractor and picker.

64: How to inspire your woman to want more sex with you! (ft. Becky Wells) Jun 28, 2019

Sex in a relationship is critical, but often really hard to talk about. One in ten women say it's "impossible" to tell a man what's not working sexually. Whether you're dating or in a marriage, learning to discuss sex and improve in the bedroom makes everything better.

63: 5 science-backed ways to boost your testosterone (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 22, 2019

Testosterone in men helps with sex drive, motivation, focus, hair growth, and more. Low testosterone is linked to depression, low libido, and more. These are 5 easy, natural ways to boost your testosterone, which will help with dating, relationships, and women, as well as in life.

62: What do you do if you're not sure she's "The One"? (ft. Dr. Laura Kasper) Jun 15, 2019

Whether you're a man or woman, it's hard when you're dating or in a relationship but aren't sure that person is the one you want to commit to. Attachment theory (anxious/avoidant attachment) reveals interesting concepts around how to be ready to commit to the man or woman of your dreams.

61: Dr. Robert Glover -- 5 essential dating tips for men Jun 07, 2019

Dating women, as a man in the modern world, can be a challenge. Here, we cover 5 practical tips on how to ask her out, handle sex, and relationship dynamics you need to know about.

60: Masculine/Feminine Polarity (ft. Violet Lange) [replay] May 30, 2019

Men and women, or male- and female-bodied people, experience attraction based on difference, or polarity. Here's how to use polarity to your advantage in sex, dating, relationships, and more.

59: Do you want more touch in your life? (ft. Adam Lippin) May 24, 2019

Cuddling, physical affection, and touch: both men and women need it, and not just in the context of sex, dating or relationships. As human beings, we need touch to feel connected. Cuddle party and connection expert Adam Lippin and I discuss how you can get your touch needs met outside a relationship.

58: The future of online dating (ft. Eve Peters) May 17, 2019

Men and women meet, date, have sex, and get married from online dating. Eve Peters created her own dating app to help make the dating process feel easier and smoother, and has some brilliant insights about the future of both online and dating "in real life."

57: How to get hot sex back into a sexless relationship (ft. Ken Blackman) May 10, 2019

Approximately 15-20% of couples are in sexless relationships (including marriages). Both men and women want satisfying sex and fulfilling dating and relationship lives -- so how do we get there? Ken Blackman, relationship expert, breaks down how to get the sex & orgasms back.

56: Helping your woman have more sexual pleasure! (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) May 03, 2019

Whether dating or in a relationship, if a man and woman are having sex, both are affected if she can't get wet (natural lubrication). If you've ever been with someone struggling with vaginal dryness or other ladyparts issues, listen to this! We delve into the jade egg, vaginal steaming,

55: A Sex Journal for Couples (ft. Levina Li & Caleb Spaulding) Apr 26, 2019

Both men and women want even better, more connected sex (who doesn't?) Whether you're dating or in a long-term relationship (or married), all couples can use help around communication in sex. This is a great episode for those who want an easy way to deepen their sex life.

54: Behind the scenes with a couples therapist (ft. Ryan Ginn) Apr 19, 2019

What do most couples argue about? When "should" you go to couples counseling? Men and women can use support when it comes to dating and relationships, and couples therapists can help. Here, we go over encouraging research around attachment, and how it can provide more safety and nourishment in romantic relationships.

53: How to get over your freaking ex (ft. Jason Lange) Apr 12, 2019

Going through a breakup is difficult. Jason Lange and I talk through how men with women who are ex-girlfriends or ex-wives can reenter the sex and dating even more resilient than before the breakup.

52: GuyTalk: Have you ever led a woman on? Mar 29, 2019

Men, women, sex, dating, and relationships: things can get complex. Dating advice is often to be clear and direct, but the reality of leading a woman on is complicated.

51: GirlTalk: We'd love for men to do this differently Mar 22, 2019

What does it mean to lead someone on? Where's the line between dating and sex and rejection? When women and men connect, it can be beautiful. It can also lead to suffering. We'd love for men to approach this one thing differently when it comes to dating.

50: One man's experience of polyamory (ft. Pierce Delahunt) Mar 15, 2019

Sex, dating, relationships, and man/woman dynamics are complex. Polyamory can make it even more so--or simplify things. One man's journey into love beyond monogamy reveals unexpected dating dynamics.

49: The key to dating with ease (for men) Mar 08, 2019

Three men share their journeys from stress and anxiety around dating, sex, and relationships to ease in both dating and in life. Their truth is refreshing on having deep, healthy, and fulfilling healthy relationships with women (and dating advice).

48: Who Should Pay On A Date? (ft. Jason Lange) Feb 22, 2019

Who should pay on the first date - men or women? What about after you're dating, or in a relationship? How does paying affect the sex? Money, dating, and relationships: let's talk about it.

47 - A love poem for you Feb 15, 2019

On this, the week of Valentine's Day, whether you're a man or a woman, single, in a relationship, dating, or any of the rest of it -- here is a love poem just for you. Xoxo.

46: GuyTalk: Men's sexual fantasies Feb 08, 2019

Three men get real about their sexual fantasies and how they fit in with real women, sex, dating, relationships, and more. We also go over the top ten most popular male fantasies.

45: GirlTalk: Real women share their sexual fantasies! Feb 01, 2019

What's *your* sexual fantasy? We talk about whether we fantasize about the men we're dating or in relationships with, and what our ideal sex is in our fantasies (including the taboo ones).

44: How a "Nice Guy" Found His Power ... and Got Into the Best Relationship of His Life (ft. Jim Cruzen) Jan 25, 2019

Most men aren't raised to be able to access both their heart and their power, and their dating lives suffer. This is one man's riveting journey of transformation around power, that led to healthier relationships not only with women, but relationships of all kinds.

43: How One Man Found His Purpose (ft. Neil Gordon) Jan 11, 2019

Finding your purpose: both men and women want it. Here's how one guy did it. We also touch on how does doing what you love (and getting paid for it) affects your sex, dating, and relationship life.

42: How to Intentionally Attract Your Ideal Partner (ft. Jason Lange) Jan 04, 2019

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, can you intentionally attract a healthy, giving, loving partner? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this episode, which outlines a 2-step process to magnetize the man or woman (or men/women ;)) you really want.

41.5: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain (ft. Z Zoccolante) [REPLAY] Dec 21, 2018

What do you do when sex hurts? What if it hurts for your partner, but not you? A woman describes her life as a newlywed and then a young married woman for whom sex was painful ... and how she and her husband negotiated that.

41: GirlTalk! When should you text her vs. call her? Dec 14, 2018

In the age of modern dating, it can be hard to know when to text vs. call vs. FB message vs. Instagram DM her... women and men, guys and girls, everyone differs when it comes to HOW they like to be communicated with. Sex, dating, and relationships are better when communication is clear and easy.

40: Men and purpose: what's the deal? (ft. Jason Lange) Dec 07, 2018

The personal development world is obsessed with men being "on purpose," and there's a lot out there about how that impacts the guy's sex, dating, and relationship life. But what purpose really mean, and is it really realistic for the masculine to "find" it?

39: Navigating Personal Space vs. Togetherness in Relationship (ft. Jason Lange) Nov 30, 2018

Both men and women need alone time in a relationship, but how do you get it without hurting your partner's feelings? It's a critical dating and relationship skill--and impacts the sex in a surprising way, too.

38: GuyTalk: Casual sex -- a male perspective Nov 16, 2018

In addition to casual sex, we talk about catching feelings, play the "how single are you on a scale of 1-10" game, and discuss men, women, sex, dating, and relationships outside monogamy ones.

37: Secrets of a Sex Researcher Nov 09, 2018

Ever had a hard time communicating about what you like (or don't like) in bed? Maybe you didn't want to hurt your partner's feelings or didn't know how to say it. Men, women, sex, love, dating, romance, and partnership are complicated -- here's the best of my sex research so far to help.

36: GirlTalk: Casual Sex! Nov 02, 2018

Casual sex, friends with benefits, and hookup culture between men and women: what does it feel like when it goes well, and what happens when it doesn't? Prepare for some entertaining and sometimes cringe-worthy stories of sexual escapades and the surprising love that can come along the way.

35: Keeping sex hot in a long-term relationship (ft. Violet Lange) Oct 26, 2018

Maintaining the sexual passion in a long-term relationship is one of the more important and most challenging parts of the equation. We break down the barriers to hot sex for men and women and how to remove them, so the sparks keep flying.

34: Men Being Awesome: 9 More Stories Oct 21, 2018

The Big Sexy Data Set delivers, with 9 women sharing personal stories of times men were allies to them, whether in a professional, dating, sexual, or safety context. This one is an acknowledgement of the masculine. <3

33: 10 Times Men Have Been Allies to Me Oct 12, 2018

In light of everything going on between men and women, right now, I wanted to share personal stories of times men have been allies to me. Whether in dating, friendship, sex, relationships, or professional contexts, I've loved how these men showed up.

32: What to say if your woman was assaulted Sep 28, 2018

What's the best to support a woman who tells you about sexual abuse/assault? Here, two women share their personal stories of men who've done it poorly, and those who've done it exceedingly well. Not to be missed.

31: A real couple reveals what it's like to go to counseling Sep 21, 2018

What is it really like to go to couples counseling? A real couple shares their personal journey of navigating sex and partnership, and how a couples therapist has been an invaluable addition to their relationship. Both men and women will get a lot out of this one.

30: GirlTalk: How to Flirt Like a Boss ;) Sep 14, 2018

Flirting is an art ... and one we adore! Here we discuss the men who've flirted well, and what they did. Whether in dating, sex, or a relationship, flirting is one of the best parts of life and should be celebrated!

29: What it's actually like to be polyamorous Aug 31, 2018

Monogamy is the default in most relationships, but is it what's really best for couples, or men & women individually? This week's guest says polyamory (aka non-monogamy) feels the most freeing for her, and she experiences even more fulfilling sex and love as a result.

28: The Day I Outgrew Pickup (ft. Jason Lange) Aug 24, 2018

The pickup artist scene (PUA) is the entry point for a lot of men looking for how to get better with women in sex, dating, and relationships. Here, we explore the positive and darker sides of the pickup scene.

27: Hacking Masculine Presence (ft. Johnny Blackburn) Aug 17, 2018

Masculine presence is like catnip to women. Whether on a date, in a relationship, or during sex, the more present a man is, the hotter it is. Here, we discuss how a man can quickly but permanently get more present -- a state that's not only more relaxing for him, but is super sexy to her.

26: How Men & Women Communicate Differently (ft. Rob Kandell) Aug 10, 2018

Sometimes it feels like men and women speak different languages. Masculine and feminine communication is distinct, but it doesn't have to break us (up). Strong, healthy relationships - including the sex part - rely on good communication.

25: GuyTalk: Dating apps - a male perspective Aug 03, 2018

What's it like to be a man on Bumble, versus a woman? How do you respond as a guy when your date starts telling you about her possible Tinder threesome sex? All that plus the question of what we're all doing on the apps in the first place. Is it really about hookups, love, and relationships, or something else entirely?

24: GirlTalk: Dating Apps -- The Good, The Bad, The Ugly Jul 27, 2018

Tinder, Bumble, and J-Date, oh my! We get down and dirty on our thoughts & experiences with sex, hookups, men, women, relationships, and the rest when it comes to the dating apps. Whether it's MeetMindful, Hinge, or Match, we leave no online dating stone unturned.

23: The 3 types of female orgasms (ft. Melanie Scott) Jul 13, 2018

Betcha didn't know there were 3, did ya? ;) Both men and women typically only know about clitoral orgasms, but there are several more pleasure-filled adventures to go on. We delve mostly into a third (and more unknown) one in this especially sexy episode.

22: What's really up with "fear of commitment"? (ft. Dr. Laura Kasper) Jul 06, 2018

It's a phrase we throw around a lot, but what does it actually mean? The fear of commitment is intimately related to a fear of something else that's both unexpected and critical to address when it comes to having healthy sex, dating, and relationships.

21: GirlTalk: How to Soothe an Upset Woman Jun 29, 2018

What do you say when a woman tells you she has been assaulted? What's the right way to respond when she's going through something difficult? In this special GirlTalk episode, we women share how we want men to respond, and what brings us closer to them.

20: How to Attract the Right Women (and Not the Wrong Ones) (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 22, 2018

A pattern Jason and I see over and over in our work with men is exposed here, and it's critical to having and maintaining healthy relationships. Whether it's for dating, sex, or relationships, the kinds of women you attract aren't random; it's important to know how to get the women who are good for you, and avoid the ones that are bad for you.

19: Sex Talk With a Former Professional Dominatrix Jun 15, 2018

Kink and BDSM in dating & relationships is both fascinating and misunderstood. Somatica therapist and sex expert Harmony shares her insight as a former professional dominatrix, including what we should all know when it comes to sex, power, and personal growth.

18: The secret to being masculine isn't what you think (ft. Jeffrey Platts) Jun 08, 2018

There's a cool hack we come to in this episode about how to become more masculine. The fact is, traditional views of masculinity are outdated in sex, dating, and relationships. We need a new model for what a sexy AND mature man looks like in the world. Men's coach Jeffrey Platts shares an easy way to do this in a powerful and exciting way.

17: How to pursue women correctly (ft. Josh Klaasen) Jun 01, 2018

There's a wrong way and a right way to go after women -- what's the difference? YouTube personality and men's educator Josh Klaasen joins us to discuss his journey from sucking with women, to becoming a douche-wagon (his words), and finally an alpha gentleman.

16: The top 5 things we've learned about men (ft. Shana James) May 25, 2018

My good friend Shana James, men's coach extraordinaire, and I discuss the top things we've learned as women coaches for men! It's both fascinating and revealing to see the common patterns in sex, dating, relationships, and more.

15: GirlTalk: We crave this from men, and love when they provide it! May 18, 2018

My friends and I get together to celebrate this one thing some men provide that is both sexy and thoughtful. It has us relax, feel special, and want to surrender to him even more. Don't miss this episode!

14: How to be a Man in Relationship Instead of a Boy (ft. Martin Hannon) May 11, 2018

Women crave MEN, not boys, to have relationships with. But what does it actually mean to be a man instead of a boy in that way? Men's coach Martin Hannon specifies what it takes to be a man who can truly meet his woman where she's dying to be met, and how to get there.

13: Advanced Sexual Practices for Men May 04, 2018

Ever wondered how to experience more pleasure as a man in sex, last longer, or satisfy your woman more? Tantra teacher Meta Tara outlines sexual practices men can do in to deeply satisfy and delight women in bed ... and have even hotter experiences themselves.

12: How to Help a Shut-Down Woman Open Up Apr 27, 2018

Whether in dating or a relationship, being sexually and emotionally shut-down is painful. Here's one woman's story of how she became more open, and how her man played a significant role along the way.

11: What can male strippers teach us about relationships? Apr 20, 2018

In this super-special episode, I interview 4 male strippers from The Hollywood Men, asking them about their own dating and sex lives, as well as how you sustain a relationship while you're in such a sex object role (2 of the 4 are married!). This isn't one to miss.

10: Ghosting! We've gotta talk about it. Special GirlTalk/GuyTalk episode Apr 13, 2018

Ghosting is by far one of the worst byproducts of the digital age of dating. It impacts both men and women in short- and even medium-term relationships. In this combined GirlTalk/GuyTalk episode, we break down why we ghost, when we ghost, and how to put a stop to the madness.

9: How to date powerful women (ft. Ken Blackman) Apr 06, 2018

Want to date and be in relationship with beautiful, successful women? Ken Blackman drops some compelling wisdom and advice on how to be confident around powerful femininity.

8: How to Deal With "Issues" Fast (ft. Dr. Matt Kreinheder) Mar 30, 2018

Emotional baggage. We all know it. A lot of us carry it. But what if a therapeutic modality like Network Spinal Analysis could help us let go of it quickly and easily? How graceful CAN dating and relationships be when we're clean and clear of the past?

7: How Does a Man Get to Balance? (ft. Eivind F. Skjellum) Mar 23, 2018

How can a man balance his inner masculine and feminine, and why does that matter so much in relationships with women? Men's coach and author Eivind Skjellum outlines the struggle a lot of men face when it comes to looking at the two energies within.

6: From "Nice Guy" to Confident With Women & Married to a Goddess (ft. Jason Lange) Mar 16, 2018

Jason shares his fascinating journey from being a "nice guy" late bloomer who wasn't great with women, to dating, getting his first girlfriend, and finally marrying and having great sex with the woman of his dreams.

5: Masculine/Feminine Polarity (ft. Violet Lange) Mar 09, 2018

Want to have (and maintain) hot sex in relationships? You need to know about polarity. Violet Lange, sexuality mentor for women, joins us as we discuss the masculine, feminine, and beyond.

4: GuyTalk: 4 Men Respond to GirlTalk Mar 02, 2018

I get together with 4 male friends to hear their thoughts on confidence, approaching women, and tales of sex after bottomless mimosas.

3: GirlTalk: We love when men do this! Why don't they do it more?! Feb 23, 2018

I get together with 3 of my girlfriends to talk about 1 specific thing we love that men do ... and how we wish they'd do it more often.

2: Pleasurable Sex: A Few Creative Solutions Feb 16, 2018

Pieter holds the voice of the masculine as we go over your survey results, hearing from both men & women about sex, pain, and pleasure. Plus a few concrete suggestions for how to make things feel even better in the bedroom.

1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain (ft. Z Zoccolante) Feb 14, 2018

How do you connect with a dating or relationship partner when sex hurts? And how do you get from the pain to the pleasure? Z Zoccolante shares her personal story of sexual transformation.

Intro: What is this and why should you care? Feb 10, 2018

What to expect, who we're going to interview, and other sexy things. Sex, dating, relationships -- we give you a peek behind the curtain into what the feminine really craves from the masculine ... and how to give it to us. Don't just be a good guy -- be a good man who's great with women.

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