Dad University Podcast

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The Biggest Parenting Mistakes Dads Make – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 131 Sep 05, 2017

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Believe it not, we as dads are not perfect. Of course, it's important to identify our mistakes so we can fix them. Here are 10 parenting mistakes dads make: 1) Leaving the parenting up to mom 2) Trying to solve problems instead of showing empathy 3) Not providing enough affection 4) Not spending enough quality time with their kids 5) Doing too much for the kids not thinking they are capable (ie. getting them dressed, cleaning up after them) 6) Living through their children (music, sports, education) 7) Aggressive punishment (yelling, spanking) 8) Expectation is too high 9) Underestimating their child 10) Not regulating the food/candy they eat (too much sugar)

Is Wanting Time Alone Considered Being Selfish? – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 130 Aug 29, 2017

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In Episode 130 Alan and Jason have a discussion about Dads managing their time and having alone time. There seem to be 3 different scenarios: Dads with No Time - These dads need to make time for themselves. If they are wanting time, how do they carve it out? If they are happy, does that mean it's not a problem? Dads who don't need a lot of time - These are people in which they don't have a lot of requirements for their own time. Or they may carve out time that the balance is currently ok. Jason explains how this is how he currently lives. He gets up early in the morning to get his own time. Dads that take too much time - These dads go on golf trips and spend a lot of time away from the family. The wives may be feeling neglected. The guys who are doing it don't know or care. Do they not appreciate their wives? Some people may consider alone time selfishness but it really depends on your attitude around it and the people around you. If the people around you are bothered by it, you might want to re-evaluate the time you are spending away.

Teaching Your Child Time Management – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 129 Aug 22, 2017

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This podcast episode 129 was inspired by an article found on TheSpruce.com written by Apryl Duncan. While plenty of adults struggle with time management, it's important for us to pass this education on to our kids. Here are some tips: Start Early - Don't wait until they are teens to teach them time management. Toddlers and pre-schoolers can learn skills to begin understanding time management. Make it fun - If you stress out badly with time, they may too. You'll want to make the exercises fun. We'll talk about some things to do and you will want to keep it light. Teach Them About Time - How to read a clock. Help them understand what 5 minutes mean. This takes some time. Make a family calendar - This calendar should have everyone's general schedule and what is going on with the family. Let them have their own calendar - In addition to the family calendar, they can have their own. This can tell them when to get and get ready for school, when to attend their sports activity, or when an event is happening. This gives them a sense of ownership Establish Set Meal Times - This is ideal for eating together and for example, they know to come inside because dinner is at X time. In the mornings, they know they need to eat by 7:15 to be on time for school. Don't Overschedule - Don't have them participating in every sport or after school activity. Don't book 3 parties on a Saturday. It's very easy to fall into this trap. Schedule downtime - While adults need downtime, so do kids. If time is feeling limited, put free time on the calendar as well. Teaching them priorities - First. Next Last. This is a good method for learning priority. Positive reinforcement - When you see them doing something good with time management, be sure to make a big deal about it "You were ready on time for school today. It was greatly appreciated"

7 Ways to Motivate Your Kids Without Bribing Them – Dudes To Dads Ep 128 Aug 15, 2017

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Rewards can motivate people, but it's short term. If the reward stops, then the behavior stops. If you stopped getting paid for work, would you still go? We see rewards and bribes everywhere: including schools and in homes. For true motivation, it has to come from within. For example, if you take anyone who is at the top of their game: athlete, musician, businessperson. The motivation comes from within. Nobody has to stand over them telling them to practice every day. If they did have that, they will surely get burned out of doing it. So how do we motivate our children? Well, it's certainly important to first have a strong relationship with them. Let's go over 1) Talk to Them - Talk about the importance of the activity. "It's important to have your room clean so you can find things when you need it. Or so that nobody gets hurt while walking through it. Don't use words like "have to" must" or " should". 2) Positive Reinforcement - When they do something that may require motivation, make a big deal about it. Be sure it's unsolicited. "Wow son, I really appreciate you taking out the trash this morning." or "I saw you put away your dish after dinner. That was really helpful" 3) Offer choices - Kids like being in control and when they are young, love to test it. Offer them choices to help motivate them in the right direction: "Would you rather take a bath or a shower tonight?" Would you like to do your 15 minutes of homework reading with me tonight or by yourself? It gives them a sense of control but still requires them to do the activity 4) Set Goals - Make sure they are realistic but setting goals on individual accomplishments can be helpful. Make sure the child is setting their own goals. It will be more powerful and it's important for them in the learning process. 5) Understand their capabilities - If they are having difficulty with something, don't always assume it's a motivation issue. They may simply not have the skills or yet developed the skills to do it. For example, homework. They may find it difficult to do math. Not understanding something can be discouraging. Try to understand if it's a non-motivation factor that is affecting performance. 6) Make it a Competition - Healthy competition is good. Make sure they understand not to be negative toward the other person but being competitive is a good trait. 7) Model the behavior - Monkey See - Monkey Do - You can't expect your kids to clean up after themselves if you are not doing the same. You want them to eat healthily, you better be doing the same. Overall it's really about what feels good inside. It's important for us to communicate with our children, understand their perspective, and respect where they are coming from. Maybe your son doesn't want to play sports and would rather play music. Maybe your daughter prefers reading to doing math. Be mindful of what is important to them and what motivates them internally.

How To Stop Kids Talking Back – Dudes To Dads Ep 127 Aug 08, 2017

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In episode 127 we cover how to stop kids from talking back. There are a few other terms for "talking back" or "back talk. These can be: - smart mouth - being snappy - sassy - giving lip Every parent will experience some form of this. It seems to happen when they get around grade school age - 5 or 6. They want to engage you whether it's positive or negative. Remember our discussion about negative discipline in Episode 109 You can't give in to this. Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline says that "when a child talks back, what he's really expressing is anger, frustration, fear, or hurt." So the reality is they are probably feeling something and don't know how to express it. So they do they by talking back. What can we do about it? Here are a few tips: - #1 tip - Ignore them. If you are in a situation where that is possible, simply don't engage with the behavior. Be prepared they may escalate it so ignoring is not always the ideal answer. - Don't take it personally - As Jane Nelson say, something else is going on. It may have nothing to do with you. If you approach it that way, you will be more inclined to not be negative yourself. - Show empathy - Because there could be something else going on, showing empathy may help diffuse the situation. "You are really mad about not being able to watch TV. I can understand how that can be frustrating." - Offer Options - Instead of TV, you can read a book in your room or play with your legos. Which one do you prefer? - Give warnings on time - A lot of battles are over time: coming inside for dinner, only playing a video game for so long, etc. Provide warning of how much time is left for the activity. - Connect with Them - It may simply be that they need your attention. Check in with yourself and them and see if it's something you can provide. If not right at the moment, schedule it with them and let them know when it will happen. "After dinner, do you want to play some cards? I'd love to play with you." - Set Clear House Rules - If speaking respectfully is a house rule, make sure you are doing the same. You'll want to make sure they aren't learning the snappy attitude from you. - Positive discipline - Be sure to re-enforce good behavior. Listen to episode 109 if you need some pointers for that. Pushing back is a part of growing and will serve them well as adults. The key is us teaching them how to push back. We need to teach them how to communicate effectively.

Learning Patience For Your Own Sanity – Dudes To Dads Ep 126 Aug 01, 2017

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Episode 126 we discuss patience. We learn why we lose our patience and what to do about it. I think it's important to understand why we lose our patience. What is it about situations that cause us to go wacky? Here are a few I have witnessed: 1) Expectations - You set yourself up for failure. you think something should be going a certain way and it doesn't happen that way. Expectations can be a killer. 2) Tired - Sleep is essential. When you are sleep deprived it's really easy to be irritable and lost patience. 3) Hungry - Some people get hangry. But low blood sugar or being hungry can cause some people to act abnormal. 4) Displaced Anger - Are you really mad at your wife, co-worker, or friend? Being in a bad place certain shows up with us acting out on someone else..often times our children. 5) Stress - Are you feeling financial stress? Is there family drama that you have to deal with? These stressers can certainly cause you to have low patience. So how can we learn to be more patient? 1) Express gratitude - When their room is a complete mess 24 hours after it was cleaned, you can think about how they live in the moment. They are active and adventurous. 2) Choose your battles - Think about how important or not important the situation is. If you are 5 minutes later than you want is it going to cause a big problem? Is this life and death? 3) Take a break - Simply walk away from the situation and give yourself some time calm down. 4) Take 5 deep breathes - Breathing can help slow your heart rate and gives you the time to pause. After you take 5 deep breathes you typically are much more calm than before. 5) Count to 10 - Like breathing, counting gives you a small break to think before you act. This short break can help provide some calmness to a potential chaotic situation. 6) Face your anger - The displaced anger that may have caused you to be impatient probably needs to be dealt with. Don't let it linger. Figure out what is causing it and deal with it. 7) Put your hand on your heart - This allows you to connect with your heart. Instead of always thinking your way through a situation, try feeling. When you put your hand on your heart and feel the heartbeat, it has an effect of slowing you down and approaching the situation potentially with empathy. 8) Re-set your expectations - Realize your expectations may have been too high. Were you trying to get to 3 different birthday parties in one day? Maybe 2 would have been enough. Are you running behind on getting the kids to school? They aren't going to jail for being late. you can plan better next time. 9) Plan ahead - A perfect example of this is the morning routine to get the kids to school. Make lunches the night before, have them set out their clothes the night before. Post a schedule.

The Art of Apologizing – Is Saying Sorry Enough? Dudes To Dads Ep 125 Jul 25, 2017

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Let's admit it, most people aren't very good at apologizing...especially kids. We teach them to talk like a robot reminding them "what do you say?" Apologizing is simply something you are supposed to do when you do something wrong. However, apologies are pointless unless people feel that the offender meant it. This can be tone of voice or even body language. I had read about a formula for apologizing that I thought was good. I don't know who the original creator of it is. It's starts out with: 1) I’m sorry for - "I'm sorry for hitting you when you took my toy" It's important to be specific and not just a broad "I'm sorry". The child needs to understand what they are apologizing for. 2) This is wrong because - "I could have hurt you when I hit you". They need to understand the reason why it's not acceptable or why it is wrong. 3) In the future, I will - "Ask you nicely to have my toy back". It is really important for the child to learn how to do it correctly. what are they learning from this? 4) Will you forgive me? - Be prepared they could say no, but at least ask. This helps restore the relationship. I think for many situations, this formula can work...especially with young kids. The most important thing is to lead by example. You need to apologize when you do something wrong and your kids need to see and hear it. This is the best way for them to learn. While I like the formula, I would add some elements to it that i think are important. for example 1) You must have Empathy. I think empathy needs to be deployed all around. As the parent, the offender was feeling a certain way and didn't know how to act. They are still learning what is correct behavior. "When you took your brother's toy and broke it, how were you feeling? So you were angry? And you felt angry so you hit your brother? Of course we need to empathize with the victim as they be be hurt. Ask the offender: "How do you think your brother felt when you hit him? Would you want to feel like that? 2) Make Amends - While sorry is good, what could you do to fix the situation or help? For example, "You hit your brother, how can you fix the situation"? This could be in the form of go and getting an ice pack, a hug, or even having the child do something for their brother to make up for it. 3) Next Time - What is the learning experience? We all make mistakes and mistakes are ok. If you are to be in this situation again, what would you do differently? Saying and being sorry isn't easy. However if we model this behavior for our kids and help them through the process, they are going to be better equipped to have empathy for others and admit when they have done something wrong. They will probably be better off afterward as well.

Sibling Rivalry – Reducing Conflict Between Kids – Dudes To Dads Ep 124 Jul 18, 2017

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There is no doubt that kids yelling at each other and fighting can be a big cause of anxiety and stress for parents. What are we to do? As with any mis-behavior, there is a root of the problem that needs to be addressed. Does one child feel the other is favored? Is one child simply just being selfish? Is there different expectations put on different kids? Or are the same expectations put on two different aged kids? All of these are probably true. Is this episode 124, we talk about reducing conflict between kids. Alan, did you have a lot of sibling rivalry in your house growing up? When we have more than one child, we think we are treating them the same but that’s nearly impossible. When it was only one, they simply got more attention than when the second one came along. Then if there is three, the attention gets even further reduced. What about expectations with age? I know that we may start implementing something with our children?> Let’s say some responsibilities around the house? When my son was 2 years younger (the same age as my daughter), he may not have had to do things like that. My purpose with all of this is showing that while multiple children grow up in the same environment, it may be very difficult to actually treat them equal, for their age. Also gender differences may come into play. While not fair or right, it can easily happen when you are not mindful of it. You may allow your son to do something that you don’t allow your daughter to do. So what are some ways we can reduce conflict: 1) Have them make friends before birth – Let the older child be a part of the pregnancy and get familiar with the unborn baby, preparing for the role of big sister or big brother. Seeing pictures, feeling the tummy, etc. 2) Have the older child feel important – give them jobs, let them be involved in the process of opening gifts. Even possibly give them a present when the baby comes home. My wife did this with great success. 3) Stress the importance of the family – “We are a team”, “”we work together, “we help each other”. These are words that should be consistently hear in your house. 4) Establish rules of the house – Before you can enforce rules, they must know what the rules are. For example, “we must respect each other at all times”. This may mean no hitting, kicking, or even yelling. If yelling is a rule, be sure it’s a rule you are not breaking either. 5) Never compare your children in front of them – Saying how one is better or worse at something is not helpful. “You know your brother never does that” is not a statement that should ever be said. 6) Allow them to solve their own disagreements – If nobody is getting hurt, can you allow them to solve it? If one of my children comes to me complaining about the other, I simply ask, “What did you brother/sister/say when you told them this?” or “Did you talk to your brother/sister about this? Did you ask them nicely?” This is typically followed up with “I have complete confidence that you guys can work this out and find a solution that works for both of you”. 7) Make all children your favorite – My mother was great at this. Each child thought they were her favorite 8) Be empathetic and listen – Be sure to listen to your kids and hear about how they feel. By being empathetic, you may get the opportunity to learn about what is troubling them and figure out a way to fix it.

13 Things to Stop Doing For Your Kids Now – Dudes Ep 123 Jul 12, 2017

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The last episode brought up some points about teaching our kids to be independent. That episode inspired us to create this episode. Episode 123 covers 13 things to stop doing for your kids now: 1. Getting them dressed – By 3-4 they can dress themselves. 2. Getting undressed – Between 13-24 months. You should not be taking your 4 year old’s shirt off. 3. Carrying their backpack – If they are old enough to have a backpack, they should carry it. 4. Tying their shoes – Usually by kindergarten (about age 5) they should know how to do this. Stop tying their shoes because you are in a hurry. Give yourself extra time and let them become independent. 5. Throw their trash away – Old enough to walk, old enough to throw it in the trash. 6. Feeding themselves – Use utensils by 18 months. By age 4 they should be able to hold utensils like an adult. 7. Getting themselves breakfast – Most can do it by 4 1/2 but many do it much earlier. Make it child friendly. you may experience a few spilled milk episodes. 8. Brushing Teeth – 3 or 4 to do it themselves but can do it as early as 16 months with your help. 9. Cleaning up their toys – They use them, they clean them up. We still are learning the “put one away before you can grab another. 10. Cleaning up their dishes – If your child can walk, they can carry a dish over to the sink. 11. Cleaning their rooms – Just like anything else to clean, if they can walk, they can typically put things away. 12. Making separate meals – You or your wife is not a short otrder cook. Sure you may want to consider something …

13 Things to Stop Doing For Your Kids Now – Ep 123 Jul 12, 2017

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