Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption, Foster & Kinship Care

Latest Episodes:

Should I Hide My Tattoos If I Want to Adopt? - Weekend Wisdom Aug 17, 2024

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Question: My husband and I want to adopt a baby. We are working with an adoption attorney, and we have to make a book about us and our lives to be shown to women and girls who are considering adoption for their baby. My husband has full-sleeve tattoos on both arms and on his neck. I am worried that it might be a turnoff for a girl choosing a family. Should we use pictures where his tattoos don’t show to up our chances?
Resources:

Preparing an Adoptive Parent Profile (video)
Creating Your Adoptive Parent Profile (article)
How To Create a Compelling Adoption Profile (1 hr. CreatingaFamilyEd.org online course w/ certificate of completion available)

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Please leave us a rating or review. This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.
Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

Weekly podcasts
Weekly articles/blog posts
Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Maintaining Connection with an Angry Kid Aug 14, 2024

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Does your child struggle with anger, and do you struggle with how to help them? Tune in to our discussion today with Jessica Sinarski, a certified adoption therapist and author of the picture books Riley the Brave and Your Magic Backpack series. She also serves on the editorial board for The Journal of Child and Adolescent Trauma.
In this episode, we cover:

All kids get angry, in fact, all people get angry, so how do we know if our kid has bigger issues with anger management?
Why do kids who have experienced trauma often struggle with anger?
Does it matter the type of trauma: abuse, neglect, adoption?
Does the prenatal environment that is not ideal (maternal stress, alcohol or drug exposure, poor nutrition) impact a child’s or youth’s emotional regulation?
Why do kids seem to overreact—big feelings for what feels like a small issue?
What are some typical triggers that elicit big responses?
Steps for managing natural feelings of anger.
- Name with few words.
- Working our way back to calm. Co-regulate back to calm. Suggest a break, model deep breath, let’s stop and think, etc.
- Give a chance to re-do. Fixing the thing that they broke.
- Read books about regulating emotions.
- Lots of physical activity.
Steps for maintaining connections with big angry feelings.
- Compassion for yourself. It feels hard because it is hard. They have a lot to be angry about.
- PACE-playful, acceptance, curious, empathy (from Daniel Hughes)
What do you mean by upstairs and downstairs brains? (from Dan Seigel)
How do we help our kids understand why they are reacting the way they do and how to handle their feelings better?

Resources:

Brave Brains
Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi (ages 0-6)
My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss (ages 0-6)
Ravi’s Roar by Tom Percival
Grumpy Monkey by Suzanne Lang
Gorilla’s Muscles
The Riley the Brave series (including Riley the Brave’s Big Feelings Activity Book)
Hello, Anger (age 7-13)
Samantha Snowden’s Anger Management Workbook for Kids (age 7-13)
Your Amazing Brain: The Epic Illustrated Guide (age 8+)
“Unpacking Anger” (blog post with additional recommended reading)
“Climbing Out of Chronic Stress” (blog post with downloadable cheat sheet)

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How Can I Get Paid Leave for My Adoption? - Weekend Wisdom Aug 10, 2024

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Question: My husband and I are starting the adoption process, and so I recently reached out to Human Resources at my place of employment and learned that I do not qualify for short-term disability (STD), so I am not eligible for any type of paid time off when baby eventually comes. Are there any advocacy groups working on getting something similar to short-term disability for adoptive parents, where at least some portion of their salary is paid during the leave? I mean, there is research out there on the importance of bonding and attachment for the future health of children!
Resources:

Dave Thomas Foundation's Adoption-Friendly Workplace program
5 Ways Leaders Can Support Adoptive Parents (Article)
Movement Advancement Project - State Family Leave Laws
Creating a Family Online Support Group

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Navigating Conversations About Body Image With Your Teen Aug 07, 2024

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Does your teen seem overly concerned about how they look? Do they seem to overeat or restrict their food intake without worrying about the consequences? This interview with Dr. Charlotte Markey will help. Dr. Markey is a professor of psychology and chair of the Health Sciences Department at Rutgers University, and a research scientist who has published over 100 scholarly articles and chapters about mental health issues. She has been conducting research on eating behavior and body image for over 25 years. She is the author of The Body Image Book for Girls, Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys, and most recently, Adultish: The Body Image Book for Life.
In this episode, we cover:

What do you include when you speak of body image?
I think of it now more about weight, but wouldn’t it include having straight teeth, fewer pimples, and a cute haircut?
Have young people always struggled with body image, or is this something new to our modern times?
When should parents begin to worry that a teen’s concern over body image is becoming too much?
My 17-year-old is beginning to gain quite a bit of weight, and her doctor is concerned. She doesn’t seem to be worried about it, but I am worried that she is establishing bad habits. We eat “normal,” relatively healthy food at home and have some “treats,” but not a huge amount, so she’s not gaining weight from what she is eating at home. She is driving now and stops frequently to eat fast food and then doesn’t eat much of what we serve for our meals. She also buys a lot of chips, sodas, and cookies and eats them in her room all evening. This is beginning to feel like disordered eating to me.
Parents worry that if they say anything, they are drawing attention and casting too much emphasis on weight.
I have a 16-year-old girl who is very aware of her weight. I think some degree of that is normal, but I see that she is adding more exercise to her routine even though she has always been active in sports. I also see that she is eating less and less at our meals, but then she eats an entire pint of ice cream. She loves clothes and is very pleased when she drops a size. Should I be worried?
What is intuitive eating?
Are the body image issues for boys different than for girls?
What teens are at the greatest risk of developing an eating disorder?
Are youth who have experienced trauma or food insecurity at greater risk?
Are teens with ADHD at greater risk for eating disorders, especially overeating?
What protective factors should we add to our kids' lives when we see them struggling?
Where do you go first for help when your teen is in trouble?
The impact of GLP-1 medications such as Ozempic and Wegovy on body image of teens.
What are the impacts of social media and mainstream media on body image and identity development?

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How to Handle Cell Phone Use With a 14-Year-Old Foster Child - Weekend Wisdom Aug 03, 2024

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Question: I just became a foster parent of a 14-year-old girl. She came with a cell phone paid for by her prior foster family. I told them I wanted to take over payments. I also want to sit down with her periodically and spontaneously and ask her to show me what she’s been doing on her phone while I show her what I do on my phone. I hope she will realize she can tell me anything and that I won’t hide things from her. Is this a good idea? How should I approach it? Do you think it will build trust, or will she resent it?
Resources:

Managing Technology & Screens (Resource page)
Welcoming an Older Child to Your Home (Resource page)
Raising Foster Children (Resource page)

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Predicting and Coping with Failed Adoption Matches Jul 31, 2024

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If you are considering domestic infant adoption, you need to listen to this show to better understand the possibility that the expectant mom may change her mind. Our guest is adoption attorney, Lila Bradley, who has practiced law relating to adoption and child welfare law for the past 20 years.
In this episode, we discuss:

Distinction between failed match and adoption dissolution or sometimes known as disruption.
What is the “typical” process for domestic infant adoption whether the adoptive parents are using an adoption agency or an adoption attorney?
When do the adoptive parents legally become the baby’s parents?
When can a mom change her mind and decide to parent the baby?
Keep in mind that what prospective adoptive parents see as a “failure” very well may be seen as a “success” by the biological parents.
Creating a Family resource: Failed Adoption Matches: How Common? How Costly? How to Survive
What are some signs that an adoption match may fail and the mom will decide to parent?
When is the most common time for a mom to change her mind and decide to parent?
Does it matter what stage of pregnancy the match was made?
How often do biological moms change their mind about placing their baby for adoption?
Do adoptive parents lose money if the adoption match fails?
Suggestions on how adoptive parents can cope when an adoption match falls apart?
Do adoption matches with foster children disrupt?
Do adoption matches in international adoption disrupt?
Do adoptions disrupt after finalization?

Resources:

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My Son Is Struggling Because His Brother Has Contact With His Birth Mom and He Doesn't - Weekend Wisdom Jul 27, 2024

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Question: I’m a foster-to-adopt mom. I have 3 children. Two have already been adopted, and we are in the process of adopting one. My oldest son, who is 5 years old and turning 6 in Aug, had parental visits, but they were terminated when the parental rights were terminated, and he no longer sees them. It's been a year since the last visit. My daughter never had visits and doesn’t see her bio family, but I send the family a twice-a-year email with photos and updates. My current foster child, who is 4 years old, has once-a-week phone calls with his mom, who is in prison. My 5-year-old son is really struggling with seeing his younger brother getting phone calls with his bio Mom since he no longer sees his bio parents, and it’s hard for him to understand why his brother talks to his mom, but he does not. Each one of my child's stories is very different, but my oldest one notices the differences and doesn't understand why they're in the same family but have different relationships with past foster families and biological parents. How do I navigate this as he gets older?
Resources:

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Raising Capable Kids (Regardless of Their Label) Jul 24, 2024

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Does your child have a disability or have some label? If so, you need to listen to this interview with Dr. Deborah Winking, an educational psychologist and a special education teacher. She is the author of Capable: A Story of Triumph for Children the World Has Judges as “Different” and Raising Capable Kids. She is the mother of four, including one adopted child and one child with a neurological disorder.
In this episode, we cover:
Many of our kids have hidden disabilities caused by trauma. These disabilities can look like so many different things, including behavior problems.

You say these 12 habits are to change yourself, not your child. Why?

Habit 1: Believe that effort creates ability
Habit 3: Set a vision of capability with your child and adjust it over time
Habit 6: Send capable messages: Use words and act in ways that let your child know that you think they are capable
Habit 8: Challenge your child in ways that regularly take them (and you) outside your comfort zone.
Habit 10: Allow your child to make choices and experience the consequences of those choices
Habit 11: celebrate your child’s persistence to build a narrative of strength

Order your copy of Raising Capable Kids&use code: Capable20 for a 20% discount and free shipping.

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Should I Take in a Spanish-Speaking Foster Teen With a Baby? - Weekend Wisdom Jul 20, 2024

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Question: I was just asked to take on a Spanish-speaking teen with a baby. Do you have any resources to address fostering a teenager with a language barrier, as well as supporting her in developing adult skills and independence? She comes with a complicated history involving immigrating here on her own.
Resources:

Welcome an Older Child to Your Home (Resource)
Former Foster Youth Voices (Resource)
Helping a Child Heal from Trauma (Resource)

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How Do Teachers Understand Adoption (and What Can Parents Do About It?) Jul 17, 2024

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What do teachers understand about adoption? What are the misperceptions? We talk with two researchers on this topic: Dr. Hal Grotevant, the Rudd Family Foundation Chair in Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, and Dr. Abbie Goldberg, a Professor of Psychology and current Director of Women’s & Gender Studies at Clark University.
In this episode, we cover:

How knowledgeable were teachers in understanding the impact of trauma?
How knowledgeable were teachers in understanding the impact of attachment?
How knowledgeable were teachers in understanding the impact of adoption?
How knowledgeable were teachers in understanding the impact of prenatal exposure?
Was there a perception that adopted kids were “troubled”?
What did they know about open adoption?
How accepting were teachers to the idea of modifying assignments to reflect diverse families, including those formed by adoption?
Do teachers know whether kids are adopted? Do they need to know? Do they feel comfortable asking for this information?
Did teachers present lessons that included the diversity that adoption represents?
Does teacher training, either formal or in-service, often include information on adoption?
What can parents do to help their child’s teacher be more adoption-aware or adoption-sensitive?
Where can listeners get more information on your research?
- The “Teachers and Adopted Children” Survey and the Factsheet for Teacher can be found here.

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