Show notes
In this not so light or superfun episode, Hannah and Alexa look at honesty and examine how honesty as a value, a practice, and a skill is kinda "Broken" today. They talk about honesty from multiple angles and give the listener an idea of how honesty can heal brokenness. So what is honesty? The hosts define what honesty means to them and talk about how being totally honest and vulnerable can help reduce feelings of shame. Oversharing and "too much honesty" is also explored. How much is too much? The hosts give their opinions.
Hannah gives a shout-out to Game of Thrones for the awesome visual depiction of shame.
The hosts discuss what happens when we live based on our beliefs about what other people expect and want. School snack mom shame is used as an example.
Brené Brown (Hannah and Alexa's idol, dream guest and all time #therapistcrush) is credited and praised in this episode for her groundbreaking research and writing about the value and power of using honesty and vulnerability to heal shame. The hosts discuss Brené's recent appearance on the Armchair Expert Podcast with Dax Shepard. Things get a little controversial as Hannah and Alexa explore their reactions to Brené's interview and their concerns about the danger of dehumanizing others.
Hannah and Alexa talk about the power, the value and the skill of honest conversations, and the responsibility we all have to break down our walls and to listen. Really listen. They share examples of how they feel, have seen other people feel and how much better life gets when we allow ourselves to be honest with ourselves and with others. They explain that when we find the courage to participate in difficult conversations where everything is on the table, instead of not saying or hearing important things because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, everyone benefits. The hosts show that conversations like these are the building blocks of connection and healthy relationships and a powerful tool to increase trust and respect, both for yourself, and for the other person and the relationship.
Vulnerability and being honest are skills that take practice. Hannah describes how gratitude is often thought of as a "practice" and shows that vulnerability can be thought of in the same way--as something you work on and get better at doing over time, becoming more confident, resilient and secure with practice.
The hosts talk about what gets in the way of all this honesty stuff. They explore our most basic human need for attachment, connection, belonging, and acceptance, and examine how this need drives human behavior and choices. The process of creating a persona--editing ourself to be who we think other people want us to be is explained. Hannah and Alexa talk about how creating this persona and trying to be who we think others want us to be is dishonest. While it is understandable that we want to fit in, when we aren't totally real and authentic about who we are and what we feel and want and believe, other people don't really know us, and we don't really get to be ourselves. Everyone misses out. Nobody knows us, we lose ourselves, and it's not honest.
Hannah and Alexa believe that all people have the capacity and the strength to do hard things and to sit with hard feelings. They give tips and share skills for how to have hard conversations with people even when it's painful and scary. The hosts show that not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, while it seems nice, is actually a major disservice. They talk about the danger of ghosting and blocking and avoiding to protect someone's feelings, as this robs both people of a meaningful opportunity for growth, learning, and connection.
The term "shame resilience" is introduced. Hannah and Alexa explain how resilience creates more honesty and trust and respect in relationships. The more shame resilience we build in ourselves the more people will share honestly with us. As a bonus, this resilience training builds self-worth and self-confidence, which decreases depression and anxiety. Bonus!
Hannah and Alexa share examples from their own lives and acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage to be honest with ourselves and with others. They challenge and encourage listeners to look into their own lives and relationships. To examine something in their lives that might be currently triggering difficult feelings. To identify somethinh in their lives they want to "block" or cut out. Listeners are encouraged to take a risk, to find some compassion and empathy for the person they most want to "block", and to get curious about what is really going and what might be causing the reaction. Listeners are encouraged to consider moving toward that other person, to have a potentially difficult and painful conversation, to get vulnerable, to have empathy, to ask questions, to attempt to understand, to see the other person as a person, to listen, to break down a wall, and to be honest.
Honesty is broken. For any of us to have trust in ourselves, in each other and in the world, and for us to know what is real and true and to have trust and faith, honesty is necessary. It's a mandatory ingredient for this stuff. We have to fix honesty.
Yes, this unfiltered honesty is hard, and Hannah and Alexa believe that hard things are worth doing.
Links and mentions:
Game of Thrones, Cersei's Walk of Shame, Season 5, Episode 10 (originally aired June 14, 2015)
The Power of Vulnerability (Brené Brown Ted Talk) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Listening to Shame (Brené Brown Ted Talk) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
Armchair Expert Podcast with Dax Shepard
"Braving the Wilderness", Brené Brown
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