Show notes
The Sex Episode
Hannah and Alexa talk about sex and how it's broken in many ways.
Disclaimer: much of the content in this episode focuses on heterosexual, traditional, cis-gendered married couples. This is because Hannah and Alexa primarily with these couple configurations and both identify as heterosexual, cis-gender women. This episode covers a lot of material and is an overview of several issues. Other configurations, identities, sexual orientations, and preferences were not intentionally excluded. Future episodes will expand the conversation and will be more inclusive of others.
Hannah begins the episode by sharing her reasons for why she thinks this is an important topic and why it was so important to her that Broken cover sex. As someone who has been a therapist for 15 years, a woman for 41 years, and someone who was married for 10 years and is now divorced, Hannah shares that over the years she has noticed many people (clients, friends, herself) struggle with sex in many ways. She admits that for many people, while sex is a good thing, it's also messy and confusing, and not something many people feel comfortable discussing. Because sexuality is an important part of our selves, our relationships, and our health, even though it's uncomfortable and difficult to talk about, it's important, and so we dedicate this episode to looking at sex and how it's broken.
Observations
Hannah and Alexa share trends they've seen in couples they've worked with. Hannah says that often, what's going on in a couple's sex life is a good indicator of what's happening in the relationship in general. A couple's sex life is often a barometer for the relationship, and is often a predictor of the relationship's level of communication, connectedness, intimacy, trust, openness, comfortability, honesty, adventure, sharing and ability to ask for and meet each other's needs.
Alexa shares that she's been surprised to learn that many married couples do not have frequent sex. She says that she sees sex as a tool to stay connected, and an important feature of marriage. Hannah points out that couples differ on how important sex is within their specific relationship and can negotiate their own rules and boundaries about frequency of sex, and that it's different for every couple. Hannah also shares that sometimes sex stops in relationships without the couple talking about it, because it's vulnerable, uncomfortable, and difficult to talk about sex. She says that when sex stops, it's often hard to get it back. She says sex is often "use it or lose it", if a couple is not having sex, it sometimes falls off and then is very hard to start again.
Couples don't often have the tools, words, language, or skills to talk about sex.
This episode is about helping to give people some of those tools, words, and skills.
Statistics:
The average American adult has sex 103 times a year.
Couples living together, but not married, have sex 146 times a year.
Married couples have sex 98 times a year.
Single adults have sex 49 times a year.
Married couples are having less sex. On average, married couples are having sex 9 fewer times per year than they were in the 1990s.
Hannah shares statistics about sex in America, but cautions listeners from giving too much weight to statistics because each couple, person, and situation is different. It can be dangerous to compare yourself to others, and there is an amount of bias in studies that measure sexuality since people tend to filter or edit their responses.
Hannah and Alexa discuss these statistics and share that they are consistent in their work with couples and from reports they've heard anecdotally from others. Married people seem to be having sex less often, not enjoying sex, viewing sex as a chore, and normalizing these experiences. Both Hannah and Alexa assert that sex in marriage seems to be broken.
So, what is happening in marriage? Why is sex broken?
Hannah educates listeners about the mixed messages we all receive about sex, from very young ages.
Sex Ed
Sexual education in schools is discussed. Sexual education in school is more common today, and Hannah shares that this is important and good, as it's the only way some kids learn about sex and their bodies, especially if they have parents who don't talk about sex. Schools are also teaching about consent and boundaries and respect. And these are good things, and important messages for everyone.
Americans are uncomfortable talking about sex, and sex education in this country lags far behind other countries. Other countries begin sex education at age 4, while most schools in America start with a very limited sexual health program at age 10, when students are in fourth grade.
Sexual education in America is often focused around the dangers of sex. Kids learn that they can get diseases and babies from sex. Kids learn that sex can kill you. Sex is often presented in a scary way that does discuss any of the positive things about sex.
Hannah says that teen pregnancy rates have decreased in America thanks to better sex education and information.
Rates of teens having sex in general have decreased as well. Hannah discusses reasons for this including increased time using devices and communicating with other online instead of in person. Because of this increased use of devices, children are learning fewer social skills and not learning to interact in person.
Children who grow up in religious environments often receive additional messages about sex—that it is sinful, dirty, wrong, bad, and can lead to hell and damnation.
Messages
Hannah and Alexa also discuss the mixed messages girls and boys receive about sex, from society, culture, their peers, the media, and their families.
Girls and Women
Girls receive messages that you should wait until you are married, having sex outside of a relationship or marriage means you are a slut, you should "save yourself", cover up, don't dress in a way that could lead a boy to take advantage of you, if you get pregnant your life is over, don't be a bad girl, sex is dirty, sex is shameful, sex is secret, a gift you give your husband.
They discuss the word "slut", and the messages girls receive that if they have sex outside of a relationship, they are labeled as a "slut", "bad girl, or "damaged goods".
Women also struggle with internal conflicts about reconciling multiple roles, such as desirable sexual creature and mother.
Alexa and Hannah share realizations and conversations from their peer groups about birth control, the fear of pregnancy and the shift in expectations and messages that occurs after marriage, or once someone is in a loving relationship or partnership.
Boys and Men
Hannah identifies that boys and men receive very different messages about sex. Boys often are given permission (implicit or explicit) to look at pornography and sexually provocative images in sources such as Playboy, from early on. Many boys are raised to learn that they aren't really a "man" until they are sexually active. There is pressure for boys and young men to have many different sexual partners, to "get their numbers up", "male slut" is not really even a thing. Many men receive messages from a community called the "Pick-up Artists", and a book called "The Game". "Hookup culture" and spring break, Greek life in academic settings, and the current culture encourages boys and men to express their sexuality and to sleep with many women. Boys feel this pressure to perform. Many boys also grow up concerned about issues like size and find themselves in a constant battle of comparing themselves with others.
On the other hand, recently, following the #metoo backlash, men and boys are receiving messages about consent and respect and boundaries. These messages are good and important, for both men and women, and they also are contributing to some men feeling conflicted and confused.
Hannah discusses the "Madonna-Whore Complex", a term coined by Freud about a century ago, to describe an internal conflict many men experience when separating sexual desire from friendship and respect.
For some men, they can feel desire and arousal with sexual objects ("whore") such as a stripper, porn star or casual hookup partner, but then find it difficult to feel desire or passion or arousal for ("Madonna") their spouse, the mother of their children, and their best friend and life partner.
This complex can translate into lack of desire, confusion and shame.
Mindset Shift
Hannah says, you spend half your life learning that sex is bad and dangerous and hope to avoid pregnancy, and the other half of your life having sex to become pregnant, have babies and to connect with your spouse.
Alexa points out that the flip that is expected is drastic and is supposed to happen overnight.
Women sometimes "save themselves", and are virgins at marriage, and then on their wedding night, are expected to give themselves to their husbands, be sexual, be comfortable, know what to do, please their husband, and consecrate the marriage.
This is a mindset shift that is expected to happen overnight, or suddenly, once someone is in a partnership or long-term relationship or marriage. It's a difficult transition for many people.
Hannah observes that many people have a hard time making this shift. Alexa observes that, as with many mindset shifts, it's difficult because our mindset is driven by deeply held and firmly entrenched beliefs that are often unconscious.
The difficulty in shifting mindset is often compounded by couples not often having the words, skills, tools, or language to talk about sex or beliefs, or to help each other process conflicting feelings without fear of judgment or shame.
Therapy and coaching is suggested as a tool to help address mindset issues around sex.
The Pressure to find "The One"
Hannah discusses the tremendous pressure and expectations many people put into marriage today.
Marriages are more egalitarian today. Women and men share roles and responsibilities. Most marriages include partners who share financial responsibilities and incomes. Most are dual-earning partnerships.
There is pressure to find "THE ONE". Marriage is seen as a partnership where you merge lives with another person who becomes your best friend, intimate partner, trusted companion, keeper of secrets, protector, provider, nurturer, and sexual partner.
While the average age of marriage is increasing, so is life expectancy, so marriages, and the potential for marriage longevity is longer than ever in history.
Additionally, couples are less connected to extended families and are more mobile, often living miles from extended families and support. This distance often puts additional pressure on the marital relationship to provide support that may have once been provided by family members.
So today, marriage is expected to provide nearly all of the love, friendship, support, trust, financial responsibility, childcare responsibility, intimacy, desire, passion, and fidelity that a person needs in his or her life.
That is a lot of pressure on one relationship. A relationship that may last 80 years. For life. Monogamy.
Hannah and Alexa discuss lack of sexual desire and low sex drive, and things that can contribute to this.
They also discuss issues that can lead to infidelity. Hannah shares trends and statistics about infidelity.
Hannah also shares information about ways sex benefits health and well-being.
Suggestions and Resources:
Hannah and Alexa share resources for help with all of this. Hannah says that some therapists and other thought leaders are helping couples rethink some of these expectations and rules, and helping couples and individuals to adjust expectations.
- Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and sex expert who hosts a podcast, "Where Do We Begin", and has authored two helpful books, "Mating in Captivity", and "The State of Affairs".
Hannah talks about some of the suggestions shared by Esther Perel, including creating some distance, relying on other supports, the use of the "other" through fantasy, and tools for reigniting desire and passion.
Hannah and Alexa discuss some of the other pressures common in current-day marriages including infertility, financial stress, the pressure to reproduce, parenting, over-programming, competing with neighbors and friends and social media.
When couples are faced with these stresses and pressures, they don't often feel "in the mood", sexual desire wanes, and frequency of sex and intimacy decreases.
- Take responsibility for your sexual well-being
Alexa shares her thoughts and beliefs about the responsibility and opportunity we each have as individuals to figure out our wants and needs, and to maintain sexual health and wellbeing.
Hannah shares her frustration with the lack of available resources for women to learn about sex. She says, men have porn, which is typically made by men for men. But women aren't encouraged to learn about sex and aren't provided with many tools or resources to educate themselves about the possibilities of sex and desire.
Hannah shares that each of us have different parts of our selves. Our sexual self is a part of us. Some people stop having sex and let that part of themselves die. Many people don't prioritize sex and think it's not important or necessary. But in doing that, they lose a part of themselves that can be very helpful to people.
Staying in tune with our sexuality is a way for people to feel alive, stay connected, find power, decrease anxiety and depression, sleep better, be healthier, and feel good. It's also a way for people to connect with certain aspects of femininity and masculinity. We can look at sex as an untapped resource that might help us feel better and be better.
Learn about your anatomy and your body. Explore and find the parts of you that "feel good". Learn more about types of orgasms and about the possibility of sex.
- Get more comfortable talking about all of this
Find people and ways to start talking about this. Find people to start practicing even talking about sex.
- Talk to your children about sex in positive, age appropriate ways.
- Think about the opportunity to find passion in your life.
Resources:
Coaching with Hannah Mirmiran or Alexa Thiesen: (402) 715-9710 or hmirmiran@omahapsychotherapy.com
Esther Perel: "Mating in Captivity": https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence-ebook/
Esther Perel: "State of Affairs-Rethinking Infidelity": https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity-ebook
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