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**Being A Better Man**

This show is about the character of men rather than the trappings of manhood. We will discuss the challenges men face from day to day, relationships, and personal accountability. We will talk about the finer points of manhood, and what it means to be a man in these modern times. It is all designed to lead up to a decision; the decision to be a better man today, than we were yesterday.

Latest Episodes:

065 – Bottoms Up Jun 22, 2016

Show notes

Bottoms up…

Story Time With Alf is here…

Every Wednesday I regal you with a story from somewhere in my unusual and interesting life. It could be funny, sad, serious or disturbing, the important thing is that every story has a lesson.

Even though these are my stories, you can apply these lessons to your own life, or perhaps they will remind you of your own similar story and the lessons you learned from it. Either way, you should be entertained.

As you listen I really want you to consider your own stories, when did you learn these lessons? Can you remember? Sometimes digging up your own past can have great benefit, especially if you are made to remember that one singular moment in time when you learned something vital. It’s almost like learning it all over again. That…is the purpose of these stories.

In fact, I think there is nothing quite so human as the hearing and telling of stories. It’s how our ancestors conveyed critical information from one generation to the next. The stories told around campfires the world over are what eventually shaped our species into what it is today.

Today’s story called Bottom’s Up is kind of embarrassing…in fact it could very well be the most embarrassing thing I have ever experienced. It was hard to find a good title and picture for it as well…I settled on the Pachyderm posterior you see above. I hope you enjoy it, even though it was embarrassing for me there were still some great lessons learned from it.

THE MANTORING PROGRAM: 1 on 1 counseling and Mentorship

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064 – Father’s Day Jun 19, 2016

Show notes

Father’s Day…

Today’s episode is in honor of Father’s day, which is why I am releasing it today instead of tomorrow. There won’t be a Monday episode this week. I had the pleasure of being with my dad today, he is 80 years old and doing great. I also got to spend time with some of my kids and Grandkids

In preparation for this show I went back and listened to the episode I did for Mother’s day, Episode 46. I wanted to be sure I didn’t repeat myself, I didn’t want it to be too similar. But as I listened to that episode I realized that there isn’t much danger of that, because Father’s and Mother’s really are two very different things. Equally important, but different.

I’ve talked a lot about my dad on this show, because he was the major influence in my life when it comes to being a man. He was my model, so it stands to reason he would come up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…he is a great man, the best man I have ever known and I’m so fortunate to have had him for a father, and now…as a great friend as well.

I could easily spend this whole episode talking about my dad and how awesome he is, but I don’t think that would be that helpful to anyone. So instead I would like to just talk about fatherhood itself. The problem is…I don’t want to be too negative, and thats tough.

The reason it’s tough to not be too negative is because when you start talking about the wondrous gift that fatherhood is both to the children and the fathers…it’s hard to ignore the fact that there are tons of guys out there right now making babies and walking away, with no intention of ever being actual fathers…and most of those guys doing that never had fathers either.

So you see my predicament; I would like to make an uplifting inspirational message for fathers day and at the same time my heart is breaking for the thousands of children out there who have been abandoned or mistreated by their fathers.

Tell you what…I’ll narrow my focus and see if that helps. Instead of thinking about the whole world or the the whole country, I’ll narrow it down to just the men in this audience who are listening to this program.

Of the men listening to this program you probably fall into one of five categories;

Guys that had great dads who were always there.
Guys that had OK dads.
Guys that were raised by a step dad or an uncle or a grandfather instead of your biological dad. So you had intermittent father figures
Guys that had a dad but he wasn’t a good guy, he was possibly abusive or alcoholic, he was a bad dad.
Guys that had no father at all.

Of course there are little nuances and differences to every situation, but basically, these are the five categories. You’ll notice I didn’t make a distinction for guys who were adopted, because you will still fall into one of these categories.

As you consider which group you are in, it’s almost automatic that you start making a list of pros and cons in your mind, you can’t really help it. If your dad was abusive you immediately see how that affected you and influenced your own behavior and decisions. If your dad was just ok you might remember the good things he did but also make note of what was missing. If you didn’t have a dad then you start thinking of all the ways that affected you.

The point is…what this illuminates is…the massive impact fatherhood, or the lack thereof has on children, either good or bad. Each one of you can plainly see the impact your experience with fatherhood had in your life. Fatherhood is one half of the parental equation, a full one half. But our court systems and society sometimes acts as though it is a minor role…and that is incredibly unfortunate. I have seen some improvement in this over the past few years, but we still have a ways to go.

Another point to consider when thinking about these five fatherhood categories is that each one of these categories has produced fine, exceptional men in spite of the advantages or disadvantages of each category. Likewise, each one of these categories has produced men that are not even worthy of the title of ‘man’. Some men have rose above their circumstance and prevailed in spite of their situation, while others have become victims of their situation and have used their disadvantage or even their advantage…as an excuse to behave badly.

So what does that mean? Ultimately it all comes down to the individual doesn’t it? Regardless of your situation it all comes down to you, the individual making a decision about what kind of man you are going to be. Wether you had a great dad, or no dad, everyone arrives at the same point when they have to make that decision.

It’s true, the guy with no dad may have to try much harder and seek out mentors and teachers. The child of an alcoholic abuser will have much bigger obstacles than the guy who had a great dad. The world was not designed to be fair and we shouldn’t expect that it will be. There are men who prevail…there are men who make the right decision in spite of how unfortunate their circumstance may be, and as I’ve said before…what one man can do, another can do.

When the time comes for a man to make a decision about what kind of man he is going to be, wether to rise above his circumstance or wallow in victimhood…there are no valid excuses. As men we are wholly responsible for every decision we make. To blame our childhood, our circumstances, our situations or the people in our lives…is an exercise in weakness. Instead it is within our power to make a different choice, a choice born in strength. In order to make that choice you have to first be aware that it exists, and that is one of the purposes of this podcast.

That’s the good news, thats the uplifting part of this episode that I want to focus on…the fact that the choice exists and it is yours to make. When we wake up everyday we have a brand new opportunity to make different choices than we made the day before. It’s completely up to us. It’s easy to lose sight of that and get caught in a rut of behavior but the truth is…we can change direction at any time and chart a new coarse.

The final point I want to make for Father’s day is this…All of you are Father’s or potential fathers. Or, if you never have kids it’s still likely you will fill a fatherhood role at one time or another. In my opinion being a father is perhaps the best thing about being a man, it is perhaps the highest calling of our manhood.

Now consider again the 5 categories I mentioned earlier. Now think of your children or potential children and make a decision on their behalf about which of those categories they will grow up in…because it is completely up to you. This is one area in which the ball is completely in your court. The only person who can determine what kind of father your child has…is you.

Remember that massive impact that fatherhood has on children? You are that massive impact!

I made a ton of mistakes as a father and you will too. We can beat ourselves up about it or we can keep on trying to do better. The past is gone, sure we can learn from it and reflect on it but aside from that it is irrelevant. The only thing that really matters is the moment you are living in and the choices you make in that moment. What you do in the present is the only thing that can affect the future.

Well I think thats it for today guys. Now head out into the world and make a choice to be a great dad. Spend time with your kids, get to know them, teach them what you know, be an example of a man who is constantly being a better man today than he was yesterday. Do that…and your life will be a rich one.

Happy Father’s day!

FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/bettermanpodcast/

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064 – Father’s Day Jun 19, 2016

Show notes

Father’s Day…

Today’s episode is in honor of Father’s day, which is why I am releasing it today instead of tomorrow. There won’t be a Monday episode this week. I had the pleasure of being with my dad today, he is 80 years old and doing great. I also got to spend time with some of my kids and Grandkids

In preparation for this show I went back and listened to the episode I did for Mother’s day, Episode 46. I wanted to be sure I didn’t repeat myself, I didn’t want it to be too similar. But as I listened to that episode I realized that there isn’t much danger of that, because Father’s and Mother’s really are two very different things. Equally important, but different.

I’ve talked a lot about my dad on this show, because he was the major influence in my life when it comes to being a man. He was my model, so it stands to reason he would come up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…he is a great man, the best man I have ever known and I’m so fortunate to have had him for a father, and now…as a great friend as well.

I could easily spend this whole episode talking about my dad and how awesome he is, but I don’t think that would be that helpful to anyone. So instead I would like to just talk about fatherhood itself. The problem is…I don’t want to be too negative, and thats tough.

The reason it’s tough to not be too negative is because when you start talking about the wondrous gift that fatherhood is both to the children and the fathers…it’s hard to ignore the fact that there are tons of guys out there right now making babies and walking away, with no intention of ever being actual fathers…and most of those guys doing that never had fathers either.

So you see my predicament; I would like to make an uplifting inspirational message for fathers day and at the same time my heart is breaking for the thousands of children out there who have been abandoned or mistreated by their fathers.

Tell you what…I’ll narrow my focus and see if that helps. Instead of thinking about the whole world or the the whole country, I’ll narrow it down to just the men in this audience who are listening to this program.

Of the men listening to this program you probably fall into one of five categories;

Guys that had great dads who were always there.
Guys that had OK dads.
Guys that were raised by a step dad or an uncle or a grandfather instead of your biological dad. So you had intermittent father figures
Guys that had a dad but he wasn’t a good guy, he was possibly abusive or alcoholic, he was a bad dad.
Guys that had no father at all.

Of course there are little nuances and differences to every situation, but basically, these are the five categories. You’ll notice I didn’t make a distinction for guys who were adopted, because you will still fall into one of these categories.

As you consider which group you are in, it’s almost automatic that you start making a list of pros and cons in your mind, you can’t really help it. If your dad was abusive you immediately see how that affected you and influenced your own behavior and decisions. If your dad was just ok you might remember the good things he did but also make note of what was missing. If you didn’t have a dad then you start thinking of all the ways that affected you.

The point is…what this illuminates is…the massive impact fatherhood, or the lack thereof has on children, either good or bad. Each one of you can plainly see the impact your experience with fatherhood had in your life. Fatherhood is one half of the parental equation, a full one half. But our court systems and society sometimes acts as though it is a minor role…and that is incredibly unfortunate. I have seen some improvement in this over the past few years, but we still have a ways to go.

Another point to consider when thinking about these five fatherhood categories is that each one of these categories has produced fine, exceptional men in spite of the advantages or disadvantages of each category. Likewise, each one of these categories has produced men that are not even worthy of the title of ‘man’. Some men have rose above their circumstance and prevailed in spite of their situation, while others have become victims of their situation and have used their disadvantage or even their advantage…as an excuse to behave badly.

So what does that mean? Ultimately it all comes down to the individual doesn’t it? Regardless of your situation it all comes down to you, the individual making a decision about what kind of man you are going to be. Wether you had a great dad, or no dad, everyone arrives at the same point when they have to make that decision.

It’s true, the guy with no dad may have to try much harder and seek out mentors and teachers. The child of an alcoholic abuser will have much bigger obstacles than the guy who had a great dad. The world was not designed to be fair and we shouldn’t expect that it will be. There are men who prevail…there are men who make the right decision in spite of how unfortunate their circumstance may be, and as I’ve said before…what one man can do, another can do.

When the time comes for a man to make a decision about what kind of man he is going to be, wether to rise above his circumstance or wallow in victimhood…there are no valid excuses. As men we are wholly responsible for every decision we make. To blame our childhood, our circumstances, our situations or the people in our lives…is an exercise in weakness. Instead it is within our power to make a different choice, a choice born in strength. In order to make that choice you have to first be aware that it exists, and that is one of the purposes of this podcast.

That’s the good news, thats the uplifting part of this episode that I want to focus on…the fact that the choice exists and it is yours to make. When we wake up everyday we have a brand new opportunity to make different choices than we made the day before. It’s completely up to us. It’s easy to lose sight of that and get caught in a rut of behavior but the truth is…we can change direction at any time and chart a new coarse.

The final point I want to make for Father’s day is this…All of you are Father’s or potential fathers. Or, if you never have kids it’s still likely you will fill a fatherhood role at one time or another. In my opinion being a father is perhaps the best thing about being a man, it is perhaps the highest calling of our manhood.

Now consider again the 5 categories I mentioned earlier. Now think of your children or potential children and make a decision on their behalf about which of those categories they will grow up in…because it is completely up to you. This is one area in which the ball is completely in your court. The only person who can determine what kind of father your child has…is you.

Remember that massive impact that fatherhood has on children? You are that massive impact!

I made a ton of mistakes as a father and you will too. We can beat ourselves up about it or we can keep on trying to do better. The past is gone, sure we can learn from it and reflect on it but aside from that it is irrelevant. The only thing that really matters is the moment you are living in and the choices you make in that moment. What you do in the present is the only thing that can affect the future.

Well I think thats it for today guys. Now head out into the world and make a choice to be a great dad. Spend time with your kids, get to know them, teach them what you know, be an example of a man who is constantly being a better man today than he was yesterday. Do that…and your life will be a rich one.

Happy Father’s day!

FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/bettermanpodcast/

Get on the weekly newsletter:

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063 – BEING SICK…Like A Man Jun 17, 2016

Show notes

BEING SICK…Like A Man…

This isn’t a super fun topic today, but it happens to be one that is relevant to me at the moment…because I am sick. I have some kind of chest congestion, upper respiratory infection.

Like everybody, I hate being sick. I hate being taken out of my regular routine and everything you do is more difficult and uncomfortable…it sucks, plain and simple.

But, there are a lot of things about life that suck that are also unavoidable; people getting sick from time to time is one of those things. So I was thinking about the inevitability of being sick occasionally and I started remembering a lot of things I’ve heard all my life.

What I’m talking about specifically is remembering people…mostly women, complaining about how the men in their lives act when they are sick.

Some women complain that their man acts like a huge baby when he is sick…like he’s going to die or something. Women seem to take an especially dim view of this behavior and I can’t say I really blame them, because of all the physical things they go through that are expected of them…like pregnancy, menstruation, and cramps in addition to all the regular sickness they get as humans and are still expected to keep the house clean, make dinner and take care of kids.

It really is pretty unfair and its no wonder they roll their eyes when their big brave man acts like he’s on his death bed every time he gets a cold.

The other complaint I’ve heard is that a man will simply isolate himself when he is sick. He doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone or anything and gets grumpy when people try to help him. I confess that I have been guilty of this one. Like I don’t want anyone to see me in my weakened state.

Then you have the guys that just try to ignore the fact they are sick and believe if they just keep acting healthy then they will be healthy. They wind up going into work when they shouldn’t, infecting other people with what they have, and not allowing their bodies to get well…so they keep getting more sick until they have a real problem. I was also guilty of this in my younger days…I didn’t have time to be sick, and I almost killed myself one winter by continuing to go to work in the elements everyday for a month with a high fever. It caught up with me eventually and luckily before I died from stupidity I wound up on my back for several weeks facing a much longer recovery that I would have had if I was smart.

The point of all this is that it’s much easier to be a better man when you feel good, when everything is going your way. It’s much more difficult when you face some kind of adversity…and illness is an adversity. Lots of guys seem to think that when they are sick they have a free pass to either a.) Revert back into a child. b.) Become kind of a jerk and take it out on everyone else in the household, or c.) Become an idiot and almost kill their self.

The purpose of this episode is to put you on notice that your free pass has been removed, it doesn’t exist anymore. My hope is that the next time you get sick you will remember this episode and try even harder to be a better man.

The next question is…how should we act when we are sick? Well, in a perfect world I think a guy would acknowledge he was sick…then accurately assess what his limitations are…then he would consider the impact on everyone else in his household and figure out what he can do to minimize that impact. In other words…stay focused on being a better man even though you feel like crap. Don’t take advantage of peoples kindness and don’t take out your frustrations on them either.

It’s really not rocket science…once you remove the free sick pass, it becomes pretty obvious that your job is to try to be the best sick guy you can…you owe it to the people around you, but you also owe it to yourself.

I was wondering about why so many guys act like this…especially the guys who turn into big babies. I think some of us were extra pampered when we were sick kids, and it created an expectation in our minds…the thing is, we aren’t kids anymore. We are men. It’s time to develop some new expectations for yourself.

I kind of get why a guy would just want to isolate himself until he feels better…because I’ve done it. But it really isn’t fair to the people who care about you. We should never shut people out. Some people get a lot out of caring for others…and if we don’t let them we are robbing them of something they need. The trick is to not take advantage of this, to be vigilant about how much the people around us want or need to help.

The other guys…the guys who are like I was when I ignored that I was sick…well, that’s just stupid. Thats a matter of misplaced priorities. I had my own business at the time and I was trying to fulfill obligations to my customers and my employees and my family and I really felt like I didn’t have time to be sick. My health was not the priority…and it should have been. Because what good would I be to anyone dead, or hospitalized? Your health has to be at the very top of your priority list, it’s really an obligation as a man to make your health important.

You know…this is all kind of common sense stuff, but sometimes it just takes hearing it put into words. If you have one of the three behaviors I mentioned (and you know which one you are) this might be the first time you heard anyone speak about it. Maybe no one ever called you on it. Maybe you were so used to using your free sick pass at everyone else’ expense that you never even noticed.

Whatever the case…now you have heard it. Your free sick pass has been removed, and I challenge you…the next time you’re sick to remember this and make a conscious effort to be a better man in spite of what you might be going through.

FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/bettermanpodcast/

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062 – Look Before You Leap Jun 15, 2016

Show notes

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP…

Story Time With Alf is here…

Every Wednesday I regal you with a story from somewhere in my unusual and interesting life. It could be funny, sad, serious or disturbing, the important thing is that every story has a lesson.

Even though these are my stories, you can apply these lessons to your own life, or perhaps they will remind you of your own similar story and the lessons you learned from it. Either way, you should be entertained.

As you listen I really want you to consider your own stories, when did you learn these lessons? Can you remember? Sometimes digging up your own past can have great benefit, especially if you are made to remember that one singular moment in time when you learned something vital. It’s almost like learning it all over again. That…is the purpose of these stories.

In fact, I think there is nothing quite so human as the hearing and telling of stories. It’s how our ancestors conveyed critical information from one generation to the next. The stories told around campfires the world over are what eventually shaped our species into what it is today.

Today’s story called Look Before You Leap is not funny, or fun. This story is quite serious, but then, the lessons I learned from it were quite serious too.

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061 – Marriage…A Mans Perspective Jun 13, 2016

Show notes

MARRIAGE…A Mans Perspective

Last weekend I had the honor and privilege of not only attending…but also officiating the wedding of two very dear friends; Matti and Betsy, they are a great couple and I am really proud of them. It was an awesome weekend, I got to see lots of other friends too…but the whole undertone of marriage got me thinking that it is something I should address here.

Should you as a man aspire to become a married man? It’s really a loaded question and the answer depends a lot on who you talk to.

Relationships can be super tough, they can make you want to fake your own death and leave the country…I know because I was in a relationship like that once. They can make you miserable beyond your wildest imaginations.

However…a relationship with the right person can also enhance your life, and make it great. A relationship with the right individual can actually make you a better person than you have the capacity to be on your own. I know some of you are rolling your eyes, and to be honest if someone told me that 4 years ago I would have rolled my eyes too.

By the time I met my wife I was completely committed to being single for the rest of my life, I was a committed, confirmed bachelor and you know what? I was super happy about that! I had had my fill of horrible relationships and I was done. I had come to believe that the “right one” was a complete myth fabricated only to ensure the propagation of our species. I was really looking forward to going through the rest of my life only caring about me, doing whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to without considering what someone else thought of it. I felt unshackled and liberated from the emotional anchor of a relationship. I felt like this right up to the second that I met my wife.

So…what happened? Well, I met my wife. I met her, spent a few hours with her, and my life hasn’t been the same since that day. I can’t explain it really. I spent the next three days arguing with myself about my bachelor status and wanting to be single…but it was stupid and I knew it. I had met the mythical ONE that I had given up on.

So why am I telling you this? I am telling you this in order to establish for the record, that it is possible…it does happen. A lot of you listening may have given up like I did, others of you never did believe in it in the first place…still others of you listening might be locked into a horrible relationship with the wrong person right this second and what I’m saying sounds like science fiction. Thats ok…I get it. Wherever you are, I understand…because I have been there.

OK, so lucky me…I met the perfect woman and married her. Actually what I am here to tell you is that it wasn’t luck. If I would have met her right out of high school that would have been luck. I wish I could make you understand what hell I went through before I met my wife.

I had so many lessons to learn. I had so much crap to wade through. I’ve had girlfriends that stole my car and all my money, I’ve had girlfriends that had serious substance abuse issues, and mental illness, and some more that were just plain mean. There might have even been a couple that were born without a soul…not sure.

After each one I would assess the damage and make note of what lessons I learned that I would never repeat. Then…I would throw myself back out there thinking optimistically that the next one might be the one I was looking for. Time and time again I would repeat this cycle. It sounds crazy doesn’t it?

Why did I keep doing this? Well, partly I was looking for what my dad found, I was looking for the bliss I got a chance to witness first hand in the marriage between my parents. I decided at a very young age that I was going to get married and be just as happy as my dad. So I ran out and married the first girl I could find when I was 19, got married…and, it didn’t turn out so well. After that I couldn’t let go of that perfect image I had in my head of what marriage was supposed to be like, so I kept trying again and again and again.

It’s true, we all have lessons to learn in life so all these failed relationships aren’t a complete waste of time…but they sure are not very fun either.

It’s also true that every once in a while two people meet when they are young and it turns out perfect, they live happily ever after the first time around…I’m not talking about the people that put up with each other until they die…I’m talking about the ones that are truly happy.

It might sound like I’m telling you that you are destined to endure a lifetime of misery before you ever meet the right person, if you get lucky…well, it just sounds that way, because that’s not what I’m saying.

I’m going to share with you something I learned, something my wife and I both learned. Because she was in the same boat as me, she was also resigned to being single the rest of her life.

Here is what we learned…it’s kind of a short cut to happiness if you can pull it off. For both me and my wife, nothing changed until we got to a place that we were completely happy with ourselves just the way we were. We stopped looking for a wife or a husband and instead were just working on ourselves and being happy with what we had.

There was a magic moment when I became completely content with the idea that I was happy just being me. In that moment, with that peace came the ability to recognize the right one when she showed up. Because I didn’t have an agenda, I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything, I wasn’t considering my next move. I was just being happy me and she was being happy her…and we were just getting to know another human.

In case you didn’t know it…happiness is very attractive. We were irresistible to each other because we both met the happiest person we had ever met.

So the shortcut I talked about is a theory of mine. In my theory it says that regardless of your age if you can somehow became completely content with yourself, if you can arrive at a place where your emotional health is self sustaining and not dependent on another person, if you can become genuinely happy…then you will be in the best position to meet the person that is right for you.

You can disagree if you like, but I’m speaking from the position of a person that did just that.

So back to the question I asked earlier;

Should you as a man aspire to become a married man? I think the answer is yes. Because a good marriage is a great thing, and if you want to have children it is such a better experience when you have two loving parents working together on it…because it isn’t easy. So Yes, I think you should aspire to it, but I don’t think it should be a goal, or even an objective. It should not be something that you measure your worth against.

Instead make being happy your goal. Make being content with yourself and who you are as a man your objective. Commit to your own personal improvement in all areas because it’s not until you can do that…that you will have anything worth committing to someone else.

To sum it all up…in other words. Be a better man today, than you were yesterday.

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060 – Muhammad Ali Jun 10, 2016

Show notes

Muhammad Ali…

The man, the legend.

This episode is being released on Friday, June 10th, 2016. Exactly one week ago today I got the news that Muhammad Ali had died. You may or may not know…but I was a boxer, and I was keenly attuned to the fighters of my day, and when I was growing up Muhammad Ali was the Heavyweight champion of the world.

Hearing of his death made me feel many things. He was a piece of my life after all. He was an icon during a very influential period of my growing up. News of his death caused me to ponder my memories of this man, this legend…and as I sat there reflecting my admiration for him was rekindled and it occurred to me that I should honor his passing with an episode devoted to him.

Because there are examples and lessons this man gave the world both in and out of the ring that we should all pay attention to, especially if we are committed to being better men. I never talk about sports on this show, but I’m making an exception here.

If you hate boxing…just bear with me, this isn’t so much about boxing, as it is about the man. So…this episode is in memory of Muhammad Ali.

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059 – First Date Jun 08, 2016

Show notes

FIRST DATE…

Story Time With Alf is here…

Every Wednesday I regal you with a story from somewhere in my unusual and interesting life. It could be funny, sad, serious or disturbing, the important thing is that every story has a lesson.

Even though these are my stories, you can apply these lessons to your own life, or perhaps they will remind you of your own similar story and the lessons you learned from it. Either way, you should be entertained.

As you listen I really want you to consider your own stories, when did you learn these lessons? Can you remember? Sometimes digging up your own past can have great benefit, especially if you are made to remember that one singular moment in time when you learned something vital. It’s almost like learning it all over again. That…is the purpose of these stories.

In fact, I think there is nothing quite so human as the hearing and telling of stories. It’s how our ancestors conveyed critical information from one generation to the next. The stories told around campfires the world over are what eventually shaped our species into what it is today.

First date is a coming of age tale about a young awkward kid (me) working up the nerve and resources for his first date, who discovers in the process that things might not be that way he thinks the are…things might actually be better than that.

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058 – PORN 101: The Problem Jun 06, 2016

Show notes

PORN 101: The Problem

This is an episode I have been trying to prepare for for some time. A few weeks ago I got a suggestion from a listener who calls himself Dr. J. He suggested that I do an episode about pornography…in particular what has become the phenomena of pornography in our modern age and the ill effects it has on individuals, families and communities, and what might be done about it.

I personally didn’t really know that much about it, so I had to do some research. Oh man…the more research I did the more I realized the magnitude and scope of the issue. I’ll tell you right now that it’s not something I will resolve in this episode. More likely this will be the first of several episodes about the topic because it has so many layers…and because it is something that directly affects the ability of men, to be better men, which is what this show is all about.

So In this episode I’m going to share with you some of the things I have learned. Please note that I am not reporting this from any moral position. Your personal morality is between you and whatever belief system you subscribe to…I am reporting from a position of facts, statistics, and the evidence of cause and effect, and some of my own opinions as well.

I’m providing this information to make you aware. Even if it doesn’t affect you personally it’s likely that someone you know struggles with this issue.

Below are some of the statistics I mention in the episode, and a link to several websites that I got information from:

The average age of first exposure to Porn is 11. (about the same time a lot of kids get cell phones)
12% of all internet websites are pornographic
25 % of all online search engine results are pornographic
35% of all internet downloads are pornographic
70% of men aged 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once a month. 70% is a lot.
The largest consumer group of internet porn is men between 35 and 49 so they would have been between 27 and 41 at the time of the Digital explosion.
The most popular day of the week for watching porn is Sunday
the most popular day of the year for watching porn is…believe it or not, Thanksgiving. That’s kind of weird.

Those statistics are just from America. But America doesn’t even show up in the top 10 countries that watch Porn online. I was really surprised by this; the top 10 countries are:

Pakistan
Egypt
Vietnam
Iran
Morocco
India
Saudi Arabia
Turkey
Phillipines
Poland

Also surprising, just like the top ten countries are known for being very conservative. The top 10 states in America are also some of the most traditionally conservative. The top ten American states for porn use are:

Mississippi
Hawaii
Arkansas
Alabama
Louisiana
Georgia
Maryland
Oklahoma
District of Columbia
South Carolina

What this shows us is that it is a global issue of massive proportions that crosses all ethnic, religious, and socio-economic barriers.

Website links:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2013/05/the-prevalence-of-porn/

http://www.edsmart.org/pornography-stats/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_of_pornography

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125382361

https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2054rank.html

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcome-porn-addiction/

http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/pornhub-data-usage-duration-search-interactive-map/

http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/brief-totally-fascinating-history-porn

This is a link to a website about stories from guys who have beat their porn addiction, what they went through, and why their life is better:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-recover-1

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057 – Mind The Big Things Jun 03, 2016

Show notes

MIND THE BIG THINGS…

As humans we tend to take things for granted, especially the little things, but bigger things too. It’s kind of unavoidable, after all…if we responded to everything as though it was the first time we’ve seen it, we wouldn’t get anything done, we would just wander around being awe-struck by everything we saw.

So, it’s good that we have the capacity to take some things for granted, it free’s up our brain so we can focus on the things in front of us that need our attention.

Water going down a drain, our car starting when we turn the key, electricity, our cell phones working, our computers, etc., etc. We all take these things for granted until the second they stop working…then it becomes a big deal. Thats normal though, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that.

Here’s the thing though; There are these types of things, and then there are other types of things that we should make an effort to never, ever take for granted. I’m thinking of two things in particular; One is our health, and the other is the people we know and love. When I say mind the big things, I’m talking about things like this.

So what does all this have to do with being a better man? I think it’s kind of obvious…Look you can be the wealthiest, most successful man in the world but if your body is falling apart in your 40’s what good is it? Or you can be super fit, successful, famous, and have everything you want…but if all your relationships fail, if you aren’t close to anyone and you don’t have a true friend in the world…what good is all that other stuff with no one to share it with in your solitude?

Being a better man is about constantly striving to improve in all areas of your life, all the parts that make a man. That includes your physical, mental, and emotional health as well as your career and financial health. It includes being a good friend, brother, husband, father and son and being true to your responsibilities, how you act when no one is watching, and your personal relationship to the guy you see when you look in the mirror.

The past is gone, it doesn’t even matter…what you have is the present; this moment you are living in…and what you do with that will determine your future.

I’m not telling you what to do. One of the reasons I do this show is to help make you aware of these things…what you do with the information is completely up to you, because you are the man and it’s your job to run your life.

If you ever have a question about anything I say here, I’m an email away. If you need specific help with anything I’ve talked about…I’m also an email away. Just reach out to me if you need to, that’s why I’m here. It’s easy, just hit the button that says contact Alf in the menu bar.

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Being A Better Man

Bottoms up…

Story Time With Alf is here…

Every Wednesday I regal you with a story from somewhere in my unusual and interesting life. It could be funny, sad, serious or disturbing, the important thing is that every story has a lesson.

Even though these are my stories, you can apply these lessons to your own life, or perhaps they will remind you of your own similar story and the lessons you learned from it. Either way, you should be entertained.

In fact, I think there is nothing quite so human as the hearing and telling of stories. It’s how our ancestors conveyed critical information from one generation to the next. The stories told around campfires the world over are what eventually shaped our species into what it is today.

THE MANTORING PROGRAM: 1 on 1 counseling and Mentorship

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Father’s Day…

Today’s episode is in honor of Father’s day, which is why I am releasing it today instead of tomorrow. There won’t be a Monday episode this week. I had the pleasure of being with my dad today, he is 80 years old and doing great. I also got to spend time with some of my kids and Grandkids

I could easily spend this whole episode talking about my dad and how awesome he is, but I don’t think that would be that helpful to anyone. So instead I would like to just talk about fatherhood itself. The problem is…I don’t want to be too negative, and thats tough.

So you see my predicament; I would like to make an uplifting inspirational message for fathers day and at the same time my heart is breaking for the thousands of children out there who have been abandoned or mistreated by their fathers.

Tell you what…I’ll narrow my focus and see if that helps. Instead of thinking about the whole world or the the whole country, I’ll narrow it down to just the men in this audience who are listening to this program.

Of the men listening to this program you probably fall into one of five categories;

Guys that had great dads who were always there.

Guys that had OK dads.

Guys that were raised by a step dad or an uncle or a grandfather instead of your biological dad. So you had intermittent father figures

Guys that had a dad but he wasn’t a good guy, he was possibly abusive or alcoholic, he was a bad dad.

Guys that had no father at all.

Of course there are little nuances and differences to every situation, but basically, these are the five categories. You’ll notice I didn’t make a distinction for guys who were adopted, because you will still fall into one of these categories.

Remember that massive impact that fatherhood has on children? You are that massive impact!

Happy Father’s day!

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Father’s Day…

Today’s episode is in honor of Father’s day, which is why I am releasing it today instead of tomorrow. There won’t be a Monday episode this week. I had the pleasure of being with my dad today, he is 80 years old and doing great. I also got to spend time with some of my kids and Grandkids

I could easily spend this whole episode talking about my dad and how awesome he is, but I don’t think that would be that helpful to anyone. So instead I would like to just talk about fatherhood itself. The problem is…I don’t want to be too negative, and thats tough.

So you see my predicament; I would like to make an uplifting inspirational message for fathers day and at the same time my heart is breaking for the thousands of children out there who have been abandoned or mistreated by their fathers.

Tell you what…I’ll narrow my focus and see if that helps. Instead of thinking about the whole world or the the whole country, I’ll narrow it down to just the men in this audience who are listening to this program.

Of the men listening to this program you probably fall into one of five categories;

Guys that had great dads who were always there.

Guys that had OK dads.

Guys that were raised by a step dad or an uncle or a grandfather instead of your biological dad. So you had intermittent father figures

Guys that had a dad but he wasn’t a good guy, he was possibly abusive or alcoholic, he was a bad dad.

Guys that had no father at all.

Of course there are little nuances and differences to every situation, but basically, these are the five categories. You’ll notice I didn’t make a distinction for guys who were adopted, because you will still fall into one of these categories.

Remember that massive impact that fatherhood has on children? You are that massive impact!

Happy Father’s day!

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BEING SICK…Like A Man…

This isn’t a super fun topic today, but it happens to be one that is relevant to me at the moment…because I am sick. I have some kind of chest congestion, upper respiratory infection.

Like everybody, I hate being sick. I hate being taken out of my regular routine and everything you do is more difficult and uncomfortable…it sucks, plain and simple.

But, there are a lot of things about life that suck that are also unavoidable; people getting sick from time to time is one of those things. So I was thinking about the inevitability of being sick occasionally and I started remembering a lot of things I’ve heard all my life.

What I’m talking about specifically is remembering people…mostly women, complaining about how the men in their lives act when they are sick.

It really is pretty unfair and its no wonder they roll their eyes when their big brave man acts like he’s on his death bed every time he gets a cold.

The other complaint I’ve heard is that a man will simply isolate himself when he is sick. He doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone or anything and gets grumpy when people try to help him. I confess that I have been guilty of this one. Like I don’t want anyone to see me in my weakened state.

The purpose of this episode is to put you on notice that your free pass has been removed, it doesn’t exist anymore. My hope is that the next time you get sick you will remember this episode and try even harder to be a better man.

It’s really not rocket science…once you remove the free sick pass, it becomes pretty obvious that your job is to try to be the best sick guy you can…you owe it to the people around you, but you also owe it to yourself.

Whatever the case…now you have heard it. Your free sick pass has been removed, and I challenge you…the next time you’re sick to remember this and make a conscious effort to be a better man in spite of what you might be going through.

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LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP…

Story Time With Alf is here…

Every Wednesday I regal you with a story from somewhere in my unusual and interesting life. It could be funny, sad, serious or disturbing, the important thing is that every story has a lesson.

Even though these are my stories, you can apply these lessons to your own life, or perhaps they will remind you of your own similar story and the lessons you learned from it. Either way, you should be entertained.

In fact, I think there is nothing quite so human as the hearing and telling of stories. It’s how our ancestors conveyed critical information from one generation to the next. The stories told around campfires the world over are what eventually shaped our species into what it is today.

Today’s story called Look Before You Leap is not funny, or fun. This story is quite serious, but then, the lessons I learned from it were quite serious too.

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MARRIAGE…A Mans Perspective

Should you as a man aspire to become a married man? It’s really a loaded question and the answer depends a lot on who you talk to.

Relationships can be super tough, they can make you want to fake your own death and leave the country…I know because I was in a relationship like that once. They can make you miserable beyond your wildest imaginations.

OK, so lucky me…I met the perfect woman and married her. Actually what I am here to tell you is that it wasn’t luck. If I would have met her right out of high school that would have been luck. I wish I could make you understand what hell I went through before I met my wife.

It’s true, we all have lessons to learn in life so all these failed relationships aren’t a complete waste of time…but they sure are not very fun either.

It’s also true that every once in a while two people meet when they are young and it turns out perfect, they live happily ever after the first time around…I’m not talking about the people that put up with each other until they die…I’m talking about the ones that are truly happy.

It might sound like I’m telling you that you are destined to endure a lifetime of misery before you ever meet the right person, if you get lucky…well, it just sounds that way, because that’s not what I’m saying.

I’m going to share with you something I learned, something my wife and I both learned. Because she was in the same boat as me, she was also resigned to being single the rest of her life.

In case you didn’t know it…happiness is very attractive. We were irresistible to each other because we both met the happiest person we had ever met.

You can disagree if you like, but I’m speaking from the position of a person that did just that.

So back to the question I asked earlier;

Instead make being happy your goal. Make being content with yourself and who you are as a man your objective. Commit to your own personal improvement in all areas because it’s not until you can do that…that you will have anything worth committing to someone else.

To sum it all up…in other words. Be a better man today, than you were yesterday.

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