Show notes
If you’re feeling like your family could use a break from screens and a reset, this is the episode for you. You may remember a podcast I recorded last year about how to do a digital detox. Well, that episode was based on an amazing book called Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids, and I am so thankful to have the author, Molly DeFrank, here with me today.
You’ll Learn:
- Why letting go of control can actually help you find solutions
- Our real-life experiences with digital detoxes in our own families
- How to help kids manage their boredom and big feelings without screens
- The 4-step method to a digital detox
Molly normalizes tech overuse (it’s not just you!) and lays out a simple, accessible way for you to give your kid a break from digital input, reset their nervous system, and allow your family to become a bit more whole and integrated. You’ll love our conversation and hearing Molly’s perspective.
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Molly DeFrank is a mom to six children, ages 8 to 15, and the author of two parenting books, including Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids. She lives in California and has helped thousands of families break free from digital dependence.
The State of Screen Use
I often think of the pandemic as “letting the cat out of the bag” when it comes to screens. Even for slow tech families, school was online and our kids were spending way more time on screens. So now, 5 years later, our kids are struggling and we’re seeing a lot of families doing some course correction.
Molly shared that the vast majority of parents say that their kids’ screen use is their biggest parenting struggle and that “8 to 12 year-old kids are spending 40 hours per week on digital entertainment…13 to 18 year-olds are spending 50 hours a week. Our kids are spending the same amount of time as having a full time job being digitally entertained.”
Molly was heavily influenced by Dr. Victoria Dunckley, who coined a new condition called Electronic Screen Syndrome that is brought on by too much digital entertainment. It can disguise itself as ADHD, bipolar disorder, or OCD, when it’s really just the adrenaline, cortisol, and dopamine that is hijacking their brains. She saw so much of this that she decided to no longer diagnose a new client until they had undergone a digital detox. And most of the time, symptoms were resolved and medication was not needed. That’s how powerful this is.
Some of these symptoms that come with screen overuse include irritability, aggression, low frustration tolerance, problems sleeping, and inattentiveness.
Parents know that something needs to change, but they don’t want to deal with the fallout and tantrums of reducing or taking away screens.
I know you’ve experienced this. The timer goes off, and the monster comes out. The negotiations (just 5 more minutes, pleeeease) and big feelings begin. This is purely dysregulation from the transition from stimulation from that device to non stimulation. I call this the boredom gap, and believe it or not, there is so much hope and freedom on the other side.
Benefits of a Digital Detox
Molly wants us to know that a detox doesn’t mean you’re signing up for 2 weeks (or forever) of screen tantrums. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. She says, “You’re actually getting your kids back.” A detox comes with benefits to your child's creativity, mental health, social life, and academics, as well as your relationship with them.
In fact, every parent she knows who has done a detox has been pleasantly surprised by the transformation in their family. Here are some of the things your child gets out of a digital detox.
Opportunities for skill development
What you’re doing with a digital detox is “giving your kids a chance to reawaken interest in real life activities and other people. You're helping to awaken their creativity and their boredom negotiation skills.” They learn how to deal with things like waiting at a restaurant and develop grit, stamina, and problem solving skills.
Kids also get a chance to practice healthier self regulation strategies. When they can’t numb out with screens, they might do things like talk to someone about how they’re feeling, take some deep breaths, or move their bodies to calm themselves.
Molly says that our culture is "allergic to struggle.” We’re used to seeing perfectly curated Instagram feeds, but she goes on to say, “Anything worth doing, anything great that happens…There’s so much struggle behind the scenes along the way.”
Molly explains, “Sometimes, as parents, we want to skip the struggle. But that’s really where the seeds are planted. That’s where everything good grows.”
Reset dopamine levels
Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that is released when we experience something pleasurable and enjoyable. Video games and apps are designed to release dopamine in way higher levels that we experience naturally.
When our brains are overloaded on dopamine, receptors start dying, and we numb out. Like with any addictive cycle, it takes more and more dopamine to experience the same level of pleasure. And it gets to a point where pleasurable real-life experiences don’t even register for us.
Basically, screen use jacks up the dopamine levels in our brains, and a detox allows your kid’s brain to reset. Activities like playing outside, jumping in the pool, blowing bubbles, or running around with a friend actually start to feel more enjoyable for them.
Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline also come into play, especially with video games.
Molly also recently learned that people who work for Silicon Valley tech companies often give themselves these detoxes over weekends or long holidays for exactly this reason. And we’ve heard many instances of technology executives having some of the strictest limits when it comes to their own kids having access to screens.
Confidence
I believe that a lot of anxiety we see in kids comes from a lack of belief in themselves that they can overcome obstacles. When kids don’t think they can handle frustration or hard things, it creates anxiety. Screens have become a tool for soothing themselves. Removing screens creates space to learn and practice different coping strategies and develop more belief in themselves.
How To Do a Digital Detox
Molly’s typical detox looks like 2 weeks of no digital entertainment for your kids. That means no TV, no video games, no social media. Here’s how to get started.
Get clear on your values and intentions. Keep your big picture goal in mind. What do you want for your kids in the long term? What do you want to instill in them before they leave your home as an adult?
It’s easy to get caught up in the nitty gritty day-to-day challenges, but when you have that zoomed out vision, you can ask yourself, “Does our daily life support these big goals?”
The truth is, any change is going to be messy at some point. Keeping your larger intention at the forefront can give you a better perspective on challenges and be really freeing.
Connect with other moms. I did a 3-week digital detox with my sons when they were about 10 and 12 years old. And I did it along with two other moms during the summer. It made it so much easier because my kids had playmates who were going through the same thing (aka complaining buddies), and the other moms and I could encourage each other and problem solve together.
Follow the UNDO method. Molly says that every successful detox has 4 things in common (remember it with the acronym UNDO).
- Unplug. Go cold turkey for 2 weeks (or longer if you want).
- Notice your kids like never before. Observe your children. Where are the weak spots or skill gaps? What do they show interest in?
- Develop a list of screen-free fun ideas (there are a ton of these in Molly’s book). Show kids they have everything they need in their brain and imagination to have fun.
- Open the books. Molly says, “You can make a bookworm out of any kid.”
The second half of Molly’s book goes beyond the initial detox and helps families develop a long-term plan for screen use. You get to be intentional about how you bring devices back into your lives.
In Molly’s words, “There are absolutely ways to use technology in redemptive and purposeful uses. For me, it’s all about putting technology in its right place.”
Dealing with Obstacles
This is one of those cases where overcoming short term challenges leads to long term gains.
Molly says that, yes, there might be a day or two of hardship during this process, but there are also practical ways to get in front of that and manage it.
Breaking the news, Molly says, is one of the hardest parts. Your kids aren’t going to like this idea. They might lose it. You have to be the calm parent in the room. So make sure you’re ready for it. Explain by saying things like, “You’re not in trouble for anything. This is just something we’re going to try for a little while.”
Boredom (and the complaining that comes with it) is a big one that parents worry about. I love Molly’s step of creating a screen-free fun list. The other key is compassion. Don’t try to solve your kid’s boredom problem (they’ll probably reject your ideas anyway). Instead, acknowledge that it’s hard for them. Let them struggle a bit, but let them know that they can handle it. Or try Molly’s solution of offering a chore to do. She says kids usually find something to do real quick after that.
When we hand over the tablet because a kid is throwing a tantrum, Molly says, we’re essentially “handing over the problem and pretending that it’s a solution.”
Social norms are another obstacle that we’re constantly dealing with. Screens are everywhere, and it’s not unusual for kids to have their own smartphone before they hit middle school. You get to make decisions about your family, just like every other parent gets to decide what works for theirs.
Guilt can come into play when your kids are asking to use a device, and you feel bad saying no because playing that game (or whatever they’re doing) makes them happy. Molly talked about research done by Dr. Jean Twenge that showed while every screen-based activity did make kids happy, every non-screen activity they tested made them even happier - including chores and homework. It goes to show that kids think they need screens to feel happy, but we know that’s not actually the thing that gives them the most joy.
We know there are a lot of “shoulds” in parenting, and the ideas we talked about today are not meant to shame or overwhelm you. But if your gut is telling you that something is off, it’s an invitation to assess how things are going in your home and try something new.
Molly’s parting words:
If you're filling the nudge, just give it a shot. Just give it a try. I've helped thousands of parents do this, and every response I've ever gotten has been, “This blew us away. This changed our family. I couldn't believe how great this was for our home.” There's nothing to lose. You can do it.
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