Become A Calm Mama

Latest Episodes:

The Art Of Thriving Online with Amelia Knott Oct 31, 2024

Today on the podcast, registered psychotherapist, art therapist and author Amelia Knott is helping us discover the art of thriving online and sharing ways to reconnect with yourself, your thoughts and your sense of wellbeing.

You’ll Learn:

Common challenges that result from the online space and being constantly connected
How to reconcile the good and bad of the internet and social media
What art therapy is and how it helps us connect with ourselves and our needs
Ideas for starting your own creative practice

Even (or especially) if you don’t think of yourself as an artist, stick around. This is not like your middle school art class!

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Amelia Knott is a Registered Psychotherapist + Art Therapist. She's also an artist, content creator and author. Her book The Art Of Thriving Online was recently published. Her mission is to support people in their mental health by combining psychotherapy, counseling and art making.

Art as Therapy

Amelia’s passion for this work came from profound experiences as a young person who was given the opportunity to use her creativity to work through significant grief and trauma.

She explains that, for many of us, language can feel quite limiting. It can be difficult to put our feelings into words. But art, whether it be writing, collaging, painting, drawing or any other creative medium, allows us to tap into our intuition and deeper parts of ourselves.

Art creates another access point to emotional regulation, communication, self soothing and self awareness. It has the capacity to surprise us when we look at something from another vantage point and helps us grapple with two things being true at the same time.

Art gives us agency in what type of art we create, what materials we use and what we choose to do with them. It allows us to practice being imperfect without consequences.

Whereas a drawing or painting class is focused on teaching a technical skill (and may end up making you feel like you aren’t a creative person at all), art therapy is much more about how the process feels. The final product isn’t so important. It’s about finding meaning in creating it.

Challenges in the Online World

In her new book, The Art of Thriving Online, Amelia helps us bring awareness to how our online existence might be impacting us.

While we both agree that there is a lot of value to the online space, it also comes with a lot of challenges. In many cases, it messes with our attention, sets an unrealistic standard and gives the sense that the world is more divided, scary and dangerous than it actually is.

Pretty much all online platforms, from social media to ecommerce and news websites, are designed to keep us engaged for as long as possible. They’re also designed to make it hard to stop. There’s no limit to what you could discover or feel inspired by, which means there’s also no limit to the things you could miss out on. You could scroll forever, but it often pulls us away from what we truly want and need.

Because of this pull and easy access to a screen that is distracting us in 10 different ways at once, our attention is fractured. It becomes hard for us to focus and actually get stuff done, which leads to overwhelm. We’re no longer accustomed to spending time getting a task or set of tasks done all at once.

Our nervous systems get activated by the type of information we’re fed online. In an effort to hold our attention, more “captivating” content (i.e. content that is inflammatory, divisive, negative or scary) is usually pushed out more readily than positive and hopeful posts and articles.

Comparison is also a huge challenge in the online space, particularly on social media. We’re not just comparing ourselves to people we see in real life (which can be unhealthy already). We’re comparing ourselves to curated, filtered feeds. The pressure we feel to do things differently or better can be devastating. This is a big one in motherhood, especially if moms are isolated.

Defining Wellness

Wellness means something different for each of us. Amelia talks about helping people become the author of their own definition of wellness. She doesn’t believe in a one-size-fits-all solution. Rather, it’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves.

A lot of what we see about wellness online are things that can be sold, performed or shown. But what about creating metrics like how many books you read with your kids this week or how many times you got out into nature?

What does it mean for you to be well? How will you know if you’re well? She says, “if we don’t author those definitions for ourselves, then the default is gonna be whatever performs well in an algorithm.”

It’s also important to be flexible, give ourselves grace and know that our definition will evolve and change. It’s not a failure if you can’t keep up with a new habit. It might just be a sign that you’re paying attention to what is and isn’t useful for you.

The Art of Thriving Online

Amelia likes to start conversations about the internet by validating that your time online is harmful AND it’s also deeply meaningful. Our lives are so entangled in these tools that our goal should really be to collaborate with them. The challenge is in how we hold the messiness - the fact that it’s not all good or all bad. It’s both.

The challenges are real, but there is also potential for so much discovery, inspiration and connection. There are great conversations happening around mental health and the challenges of parenthood, helping to reduce stigma and calling out some of the toxic parts of our culture.

But when we pick up the phone at every possible moment to avoid ourselves or boredom, we miss out on the chance to let insights and meaning come at a natural pace.

When people dedicate time to an art experience, it gives their minds a chance to wander and daydream. Amelia says that in that space, ideas and reflections really start to get integrated into the brain. For example, after a therapy session, rather than jotting down some notes and moving on to the next thing, Amelia likes to block off 20 minutes or so to create something with no plan. It gives the brain a chance to make sense of what just happened.

You don’t have to make a giant abstract painting or detailed drawing to experience the benefits of art. There are so many ways to create moments of delight in your daily life. Explore with art, nature, journaling, music, cooking, homemaking or anything else that interests you. It can be as simple as picking a flower from the yard and putting it in a cup where you’ll see it throughout the day.

One of Amelia’s favorite ways is to do a creative practice where the decisions are already made, like paint-by-number, a coloring book or crochet. These activities are tactile, rhythmic and repetitive, so you’re not having to analyze or problem solve.

The Art of Thriving Online is more than just a book you read. In this interactive guide, Amelia has combined research, personal stories and lots of art and writing prompts to help you learn about yourself and reconcile your relationship with the time you spend online.

You’ll look at how it impacts your attention, how you feel about productivity and privacy, comparison, fear, anger and disinformation. You’ll end up with a better sense of what feels true and needed for you, which you’ll describe in a final statement Amelia calls the “gentle manifesto”.

As moms, we get so focused on taking care of our kids that it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves as individuals. Tapping into your creativity is a wonderful self care practice to understand who you are and what you like.

Connect with Amelia Knott:

Learn more about Amelia and her work on her website at: https://www.arttherapyinreallife.com/
Follow her on Instagram and Tiktok @art_therapy_irl
Buy Amelia’s book: The Art of Thriving Online: A Workbook: Creative Exercises to Help You Stay Grounded and Feel Joy in the World of Social Media

Resources:

Episode 144: Get Your Brain to Do More and Rest Better

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Get Your Brain To Do More And Rest Better Oct 24, 2024

Just like the rest of the body, your brain needs times of attention, focus and activity as well as times of rest. Today, I’m talking about two different networks within the brain and how to toggle between them. It will help you understand how to get your brain to do more and rest better so you can feel more focused and less overwhelmed.

You’ll Learn:

What the Task Positive Network and Default Mode Network do in your brain and why they’re both important
When and how to toggle between the two networks
Differences between neurotypical and ADHD brains
Why screen free default mode is important
Strategies for getting more high quality rest for your brain

You can apply this to your own life and also use it to understand what’s going on for your kid when you’re trying to get their attention. You’ll learn how to create better quality downtime for yourself and how to help your kids get back on task when it’s time.

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Understanding The Networks in Your Brain

The two networks we’re talking about today are called the Default Mode Network and Task Positive Network.

Default Mode Network (DMN). This network is exactly what it sounds like - it’s our brain’s default. You can think of it as wakeful or active rest. You’re not really thinking about or focusing on anything in particular. Your mind gets to wander. It’s where we daydream and let our imaginations go free.

This is the part of the brain that helps integrate what you've learned and take it from short term memory into long term memory. The DMN is not present minded. It helps you relive the past, reflect on things that happened, and also imagine the future. It’s linked with bigger picture thinking.

However, this part of your brain can also be a little like a toddler in a toy store. Without any boundaries, it’s going to go everywhere and be really scattered. For many of us, our unchecked brain defaults to a negative perspective. We get into fear-based and anxious overthinking or ruminating. You might find yourself over-processing the past and anticipating the future. So instead of the daydreaming creating a happy, relaxed state, you end up spiraling into negative anguish.

The DMN can be a very positive place if we harness it a little bit. We can train our brain to make this network a really safe, fun place to be (more on that later).

Task Positive Network (TPN). This is the network where your brain is very active, and you’re doing tasks that require your conscious attention. Here, you’re processing sensory input, working with your short-term memory, thinking abstractly and solving problems.

As a parent, you spend a lot of time in the Task Positive Network throughout the day. You’re focused on all sorts of tasks - scheduling, meal planning and preparation, keeping up with homework and school papers, and so many other pieces. Your brain goes into overload, and you end up feeling overwhelmed or burned out.

At its best, TPN is sometimes also called “flow”. It’s when you are really focused on what you’re doing and tuning out everything else. The brain loves to be in TPN and this flow state, but it takes a lot of work to stay there, and it’s easy to get distracted.

If you see a person with ADHD, anxiety or depression, they often say things like, “I can’t even think straight,” “I can’t seem to get anything done.” This is probably because they aren't able to stay in TPN long enough to achieve something.

This distractibility is becoming more and more common, even in people without ADHD, because as a society, we’re spending less time in the TPN. It’s like a muscle that we need to train so that we can stay on track.

Some things that pull us out of TPN are boredom and input from the environment like phone notifications or kids interrupting your flow.

Get Your Brain to Do More and Rest Better with Toggling

The neural network in your brain works a little like a seesaw. It toggles between on-task and off-task or between inattention, default attention and intentional attention.

Our goal is to have a little more control about when we go back and forth between the two networks and to be able to spend longer periods of time in each. We want to be in control of what our brain is doing and regulate ourselves.

In a neurotypical brain, when one network is up, the other is down. With an ADHD brain, the Default Mode Network is more powerful. It shouts louder than the Task Positive Network, so it is much harder to switch into TPN and stay there. However, if the ADHD brain is able to get to TPN, they can stay there much longer.

The first step in gaining more intentional control over your brain is noticing and being more aware.

Getting into TPN is more difficult when you’re mentally overloaded, fatigued or stressed. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or easily distracted, it’s a good sign that you need to focus on getting some quality rest time before trying to get back to tasks.

Kids are also terrible for TPN. The amount of input that children bring in is overwhelming, and the brain just kinda gives up sometimes. It works best to be mostly in DMN when the kids are around. This way, you can be distracted, but in their world.

Shifting into Task Positive Network. Next time you notice that you’re anxious, ruminating or can’t think straight or stop scrolling on your phone, recognize that you’re in your default mode.

Focus on something outside of your brain - look out the window, look at the colors in the room, stand up and move your body. Getting your body involved is super helpful when you’re stuck in rumination.

Another good strategy is creating a small, doable task. Your brain can use these tiny tasks, like cleaning off your desk or getting a cup of tea to shift into TPN. You can help your child do this by breaking things down into smaller tasks.

Shifting into Default Mode Network. When you are able to shift into DMN without the Internet or a device, you start to daydream and let your mind wander in a little more free flowy way.

When you can do this without going into a negative thought spiral or relying on your phone, you will learn a lot about yourself, which is super cool. It increases your self-awareness about what you think about, what you pay attention to naturally.

When you are inside your own brain, it helps you become more creative. I love to think of my mind as a playground, and I love to be in it. Writing out all of your thoughts can be a really helpful way to get to know yourself and figure out what you’ve learned from past experiences.

Strategies for Getting High Quality Rest

Sometimes, the things we choose to do when we try to rest our brains aren’t high quality. You might take a break from thinking, but not actually feel rejuvenated.

The phone has become the default mode for many of us, but it doesn’t actually give your brain the rest it needs because it isn’t coming from inside of you. You’re focused on something external that is being fed to you, telling you what to focus on. Your mind doesn’t get to truly wander free. It can feel like an easy way to reset, but it’s low quality active rest.

The first step is to notice when you have gaps in your day, like the checkout line at the store or the pickup line at your kid’s school. A good clue is a time when you would usually reach for your phone.

Make some time to do nothing every day. Be intentional with this “non-thinking” time. Try blocking your calendar so you know when so that you know when your task/flow time will be and when you’ll let your brain rest.

Set aside your digital devices. Turn off your notifications or put your phone on “do not disturb” (or even in a drawer like one of my friends does). You’ll notice that you will get more done, feel calmer and more present and be better at connecting with others during that time.

Don’t worry about not doing anything. Sometimes, we think we should be busy all the time. But it’s okay to just do nothing for a while. You don’t have to fill every minute of your day. When my kids were little, I tried to stop work or other activities 30 minutes or so before pick up and rest or zone out for a little bit because I knew that as soon as my kids were home, I’d be in task mode again.

Figure out how you want to fill your downtime. Some of my favorite ways to rest my brain are:

Read fiction.
Look at photos of your family or past experiences (not photos of other people’s families on Instagram).
Go for a walk or move your body in some other way. Leave the headphones at home.
Observe nature. You can even do this out your own window. Look for birds, flowers, colors or listen for sounds.
Come up with a prompt, like “When was the last time I laughed really hard?” or “What was my favorite family vacation?” and let your mind wander.

I hope this has been helpful for you to understand why it’s so difficult to get your kids into task mode, how to get them motivated with tiny tasks and ways to care for yourself by getting more quality rest for your brain.

Resources:

Episode 142: Rethinking ADHD
ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction - from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

The Screentime Dilemma Oct 17, 2024

In this episode I'm talking about what I call the screentime dilemma - basically the overwhelm and frustration you feel around figuring out screens. I’m helping you understand why it feels so hard and why it actually falls outside of your wheelhouse as a parent.

You’ll Learn:

Why figuring out screentime is so confusing
How screentime is following in the footsteps of driving, smoking and dietary recommendations
Current best practices for kids and screens
What I’d do about screens if I ran the government

With tech and screens, we’re all making it up as we go along. And - news flash! - it’s not working out very well. Listen to learn how to handle this confusing topic in your family.

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There are a lot of areas of parenting where you know what’s best. Adults need about 8 hours of sleep every night. You shouldn’t eat a bunch of sugar at every meal. Your kid can’t drive until they have a license. For these things, there are laws or guidelines that give you a mental map for how things should go.

The Screentime Dilemma

In my opinion, screentime limits are a little above our pay grade as moms. It’s kinda the Wild West of parenting, because there aren’t a lot of guidelines or oversight. So, you have to be the sheriff in a house full of robbers that want it all the time.

You don’t really know what the rules are supposed to be or how to enforce them. There’s no Surgeon General’s warning or food pyramid of screens. And you’re (probably) not an expert on childhood development and the human brain.

So we, as regular people, are left trying to figure out what’s normal and what’s best for our kids. No wonder you’re overwhelmed!

Guidelines in Our Society

In this little history lesson of rules and guidelines in our American society, you’ll see that when something new comes around, it takes almost an entire generation to set clear rules around it. And until the government realizes that something is causing a problem or that our kids need to be protected, we’re pretty much on our own.

Here are a few examples…

Cars. The first car was invented by Carl Benz in 1886. It was 20 years before states slowly started to require a driver's license, and it was even longer before age restrictions came into play. It was 30 years before the first stop sign was installed and 66 years until the seat belt was created. 70 years after the first car, driver’s licenses were required nationwide in the United States.

In the beginning, there were no rules or restrictions, and now there are a lot. As a society, we agree that an 8-year-old shouldn’t drive a car. We’ve decided that somewhere around 16 or 17, people are mature enough to handle a vehicle, but we don’t yet know how old someone should be to handle the internet.

Food. Prior to the 1960s, most food was prepared at home with basic ingredients. After World War II ended, manufacturing shifted from creating machinery and supplies for the war to machinery for the home and agriculture. The way we processed, stored and distributed food changed. More cheap, processed foods solved the problem of there not being enough food to go around, but we also created poorer quality food in order to get it to more people.

20 to 30 years later, the Surgeon General started to notice that nutrition and health were decreasing in our society, and chronic diseases were on the rise. Mandatory nutrition labeling on all packaged food went into effect in the 1990s, but a lot of consumers didn’t really know much about carbs, fiber, sugar or calories, so they created food guides.

When I was a kid, we had the 4 basic food groups as our guideline. Then came the pyramid, which was just confusing, and now we have the simplified “My Plate” model. The purpose of these is to help you, the consumer, make an informed decision about what food you are serving to yourself and your family.

I think that this is what technology guidelines will ultimately look like - the “My Plate” of screentime. The government essentially says, “Here’s all the food at the market. You can have it all, but these are the best practices for your children.”

Smoking. The technology and agricultural revolution also made cigarettes easier to get, so more people started smoking. Again, the government started to see the impact on health in the form of a lung cancer epidemic. When the evidence became so clear it could not be ignored or denied, more rules came in.

First, we saw the Surgeon General’s warning published in 1964 and added to labels the following year. TV and radio advertising were banned and age limits were put into place.

Screentime Best Practices

The Internet has been around for about 20 years now (more intensely since smartphones became common), and we’re starting to see that there is foundational harm to kids. They are deprived socially, sleep is impacted, attention is fragmented and it creates addictive tendencies.

The good news is that answers are coming. The Surgeon General of the United States is creating recommendations, and we are moving towards having guidelines.

U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, states, “The mental health crisis among young people is an emergency, and social media has emerged as an important contributor.”

Until then, here are some best practices to help you decide how to handle screentime in your own home.

Wait Until 8th. No smartphone until 8th grade. I would take this a step further and say no personal devices of any kind, including iPads, etc.
No social media until age 16.
No screens before school. This will help your morning routine go more smoothly and help your kid be in their body before they go sit in a classroom.
On school days, I recommend no screentime. If you decide to give some, wait at least an hour after they’ve been home.
Collaborative or social viewing. Rather than each kid being on their own device, learning to compromise and watch or play something together creates a shared experience.
Challenge social norms. If our schools and communities could come together on some of these commitments, we could normalize more responsible screen use.
Demand government action. So much of the change we need will have to come from regulation or changes on a government or platform level.

Out here in the Wild West, you get to decide and you get to enforce those limits. Your kids hate limits, but deep down, they love them. Rules make us feel safe. Think about your own rules and what works for you.

I hope you walk away from this episode feeling a little better about yourself. You’re not a failure as a parent because you struggle with screens. In fact, you’re a trailblazer - a 1st generation parent in this new tech environment.

Imagine me giving you a big hug (‘cause this shit is hard) and a pat on the back. You’re doing great, Mama!

Resources:

Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt
Episode 129: Screen Free Mindset
Episode 130: How To Do a Digital Detox

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Rethinking ADHD Oct 10, 2024

One of my kids has pretty severe ADHD. When he was younger, it showed up a lot in the form of hyperactivity and impulse control. The challenges have evolved as he’s gotten older. Today, I’m talking about my experience of parenting a kid with ADHD and sharing what I’ve learned along the way.

You’ll Learn:

Why ADHD is about way more than behaviors
What it’s like to experience our modern world with an ADHD brain
How societal expectations for order can clash with the spontaneous and creative nature of those with ADHD.
What ADHD brains need and how to give it to your kid

I’m not an expert on ADHD. I’m a parent who’s been there, and I’ve helped lots of other parents navigate life with a neurodivergent kid, too. Listen in to learn strategies you can use to help your kid and work with their unique brain.

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Rethinking ADHD

My goal is to help you understand ADHD more, because the more you understand, the more you can help your child understand. The more you understand what's going on for them, the more compassion you'll have and then the less critical you will be.

When someone is neurotypical, it simply means that their brain is developing in a typical way, they’re hitting common milestones, etc. With a neurodivergent brain, a child will hit milestones at a different pace, and different challenges will come up. Their development is diverging from the typical path.

It's important that you don't compare your child's development with their peers who are neurotypical. Instead, you want to compare your child's development to themselves - their past self to their present self and their future self.

The sooner you're able to recognize that they're on their own timetable, the less frustrated you'll be when you see some of the traits and behaviors that come up with ADHD.

The ADHD Experience

The main three features of ADHD are attention deficit, impulse control issues and hyperactivity.

Imagine being in a really crowded room, and everyone around you is talking all at once. No one's talking to you, but you're hearing everybody talking. Then, somebody suddenly asks you what the person next to you just said. You would have no idea, because you weren't listening to that one person. You were listening to the entire room speak.

When there’s a lot of stimulation, noise or activity, an ADHD brain can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be paying attention to. This is the “attention deficit” piece. Overstimulation is very overwhelming for someone with ADHD.

Attention deficit can also look like someone putting their attention on the “wrong” thing. And it’s difficult for an ADHD brain to change direction once it gets going. It’s like a train stuck rolling down a track, but it’s not the track that we want it to be on. We want them to slow down or change direction, but the braking system is very difficult to activate.

Impulse control is also common with ADHD. These kids might have more trouble with delaying gratification, procrastinating, understanding how time works or creating a plan or sequence of events.

Hyperactivity can also be thought of as hyper-arousal.

In daily life, you might notice behaviors like:

Missing details or making careless mistakes
Not staying on task
Seeming to not hear when spoken to
Trouble organizing tasks or creating order
Losing things easily
Being easily distracted or forgetful in daily activities
Restlessness, getting out of their seat, always on the go
Talking excessively, interrupting or blurting out answers in school
Trouble waiting to take turns
Avoiding tasks that take a lot of mental effort

All of these behaviors are common, to some degree, in young kids. When we see traits that are atypical for their age (i.e. most other kids their age have outgrown them), that’s when we think something else might be going on.

Encouraging Positive Self-Concept

A lot of kids who grow up with ADHD end up with a negative self concept. They might be labeled as lazy, stupid, a troublemaker or problem child. They’re told that they aren’t reaching their full potential or that they’re too much. The child then often feels isolated, misunderstood, broken or like they just plain suck. They go into adulthood with a collection of negative thoughts about themselves.

I don’t want your kid to spend their 20s and 30s healing from that (and I know you don’t either). Instead, we want to give them the awareness, positive mindset, tools and coping skills they need to grow into emotionally healthy adults.

The way Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt is a helpful example here. Guilt is recognizing that you did something wrong. It’s external. Shame is when you internalize that and make it about who you are. It is internal.

It’s the difference between, “I did something wrong,” and “I am wrong.”

The same concept can be applied to the ADHD brain. We want to help our kids understand that their brain is driving their behavior, but ADHD is not who they are. We separate identity from behavior.

In my opinion, ADHD brains are actually pretty cool if we can accept the way they are, the way they think and what they need. Because they aren’t focused on time, they have a lot more spontaneity, creativity and flow available to them. Of course, this freedom can become a challenge in a society that often demands order.

Cultivating Understanding and Compassion

As the mom of a kid with ADHD, your role is to be the warmly supportive adult that your child needs in order to learn how to regulate their emotions, their attention and their energy. Work with the ADHD brain instead of judging, criticizing or fighting against it.

Sometimes, your kid needs to “borrow” your nervous system in order to calm themselves and your prefrontal cortex to think things through, process their feelings and communicate their thoughts.

This is true for all kids. But if you’re raising a kid with ADHD, they’re going to need to borrow those skills from you for a longer period of time. You are the one who creates order out of the chaos that they’re experiencing.

There are a couple of phrases that have been really helpful for me to understand what’s happening with my ADHD kid.

Boredom is kryptonite. Unless there's high interest in the topic or activity, the ADHD brain has a lot of trouble creating motivation to pay attention. When they’re bored, their brain is so hungry for something more exciting to think about that it starts to wander and play on its own. They tune out from whatever you’re saying. It’s not intentional, but you can use this as a signal that they’re restless and bored.

They lack a template for order. Some brains (like mine) are wired for order. Some (like my son’s) are wired for disorder. When you understand that your kid is having trouble creating a sequence of steps or a process, you can come alongside them and help create order from the chaos in their brain.

ADHD is like having a racecar for a brain with bicycle brakes. Their brain is moving at 200 miles an hour, and the brakes are not very strong. When you're trying to shift them from one activity to another or get their brain to focus on something else, you are probably going to need to work extra hard to really grab their attention. Creating a little game, challenge or short-term distraction can help motivate them.

ADHD brains only experience 2 times - NOW or NOT NOW. This is often called time blindness or time illiteracy. If you tell a kid with ADHD that you’re leaving in 2 minutes, it falls into the category of “not now”. In their mind, they have infinite time. When something is in the “now” category, it becomes urgent for them. They can hyperfocus and get a lot done at one time, as long as there is motivation and/or something that they’re interested in.

This now/not now way of thinking also means that there’s no future, so it’s really hard for an ADHD brain to plan for the future and stay motivated toward a long-term goal. You can help by breaking down their long term goal into smaller steps and shorter term goals.

Strategies for Parenting an ADHD Kid

Once you wrap your mind around what’s going on for your child, what do you DO?

Give a small constructive task to help your child shift between hyperfocus, inattention and active attention. This easy dopamine hit from completing a task helps toggle their prefrontal cortex. This might look like saying, “Lincoln, you can get in the car once you have your shoes on, and it’s time to put your shoes on now.”

Work at creating sequences, routines, habits and patterns. Split the process into smaller steps, create urgency (put the task in the “now” category) and support them with the sequencing of events. You won’t have to walk them through these routines forever, but it will take some time for their brain to create that pathway.

Find a support system. If you're raising a kid with neurodivergence, you might be talking to another mom about your kid and realize that your experience is vastly different. What you're dealing with is very different from what they're dealing with because your child is delayed.

The Calm Mama Club has plenty of moms who are raising kids with ADHD or other neurodivergences and can relate to what you’re going through. And as your coach, I’ve been through it myself. I've raised a kid with ADHD, and I'm happy to share my experience with you.

When you think about your ADHD kid, I want you to remember that their brain just works differently. They need your support, and they're going to need it longer than you think is necessary or typical. If you make that shift and rethink ADHD in that way, I promise you'll have an easier time in your relationship with your kid.

They will feel closer to you, you will get more compliance and they will feel better about themselves long term.

Resources:

ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction - from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey
Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder by Gabor Maté
ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide to (Mostly) Thriving with ADHD by Penn and Kim Holderness
Episode 90: Understanding ADHD with Lainie Donnell

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

A Parenting Manifesto Oct 03, 2024

A manifesto is a list of principles to help guide you how you want to live each day. Maybe you’ve made one before and didn’t even realize it. Today I’m sharing my parenting manifesto and showing you how to create one of your own.

You’ll Learn:

What a manifesto is and why it is so helpful in parenting
The commitments behind my parenting manifesto
What I would add or change if I wrote mine over again
How to create and use your own parenting manifesto

I first went through the process of creating a manifesto in a business coaching program years ago. And I realized that, if raising my children is the most important thing in the world to me, I also wanted to have a list of principles to commit to as a parent.

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The Calm Mama Manifesto

This manifesto is included in the Calm Mama Handbook that all of my clients get. You can also click here to download a printable PDF.

This particular manifesto is not our family’s. It is mine. This is what I wanted to commit to as my kids’ mom. It’s also represents what I help other moms do inside my programs.

Parenting is my opportunity for growth. I wanted to look at this experience of raising children as an opportunity to become a more whole and healed person. To invite learning in and not fight against the obstacles that come with parenting.

Demonstrate love without condition, no matter what they say or do. I didn't want to be a parent that only showed love, kindness or care to my kids when they were being good. I would not just love my kids. I would demonstrate that love, and I would never pull it away.

Listen with curiosity and compassion. I wanted to commit to listening to my children and being curious about their lives, their thoughts and their interests. I chose to think that they are really interesting people and to listen to them because I want to get to know them. I also wanted to listen with compassion to understand what is driving their behavior.

Model work, play and rest. I wanted to be a parent who showed them what hard work looked like. I also actively chose to be a playful parent and bring in strategies that teachers would use to connect and play with kids. And I let my children see me rest.

Provide. I always say that you can give your kids access and opportunity, but you can’t make them take the opportunity. My manifesto includes providing food, shelter, education, opportunity, support, advice, guidance, modeling and love.

Take care of myself so they don’t have to. My mom didn't always really take good care of herself, and she allowed her health to deteriorate, which created problems for me in adulthood. I decided I was going to be healthy and strong. I would eat well, move my body, manage my stress, have a good social life and have meaning and purpose in my life.

Be comfortable with my kid’s discomfort. No matter what is going on for them, no matter how overwhelmed or stressed or sad or mad or hurt or confused they are, I am going to be okay with the mess that they bring to me. I'm not going to let it rile me up or tip me over. I’ll be the anchor in a storm of their life.

Show up for them, not for me. I didn't want to make their life about myself. I wanted to parent for them; not because I got something out of it. They have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I actually don't control. I'm letting myself be okay with that.

Respect myself and my boundaries. I believe that what I want is valuable and important, and I am worthy of my boundary. I don't have to wait for my children to respect me in order to feel respected.

Be forgiving, and admit when I am wrong. I will forgive my kids when they make mistakes and not hold it against them. When I’ve done something wrong, I will admit it.

Speak kindly. I don't swear at my children. I don't insult them. I don't criticize them. I'm not mean. I wanted to speak kindly and patiently and lovingly as much as I possibly could.

Be 100% honest. I still let my kids believe in fantastical childhood things, but I wasn’t a sneaky mom. I decided to tell it like it is when tough things were going on in our lives. If they ask me a question, I give them an honest answer.

Radical love, radical grace, radical listening. I am willing to go above and beyond to show love where it doesn't even make sense anymore. I'm willing to give grace, the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and mercy. I listen on a deep level to what my kids are saying (and not saying) without judgment.

Let them make mistakes. I actively chose to let my kids fail (and they have). I let them make mistakes and then let them fix those mistakes.

See them as they are and allow them to change. It’s hard for a lot of parents to parent the kid in front of you - not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. Meet them where they are. Observe the behavior rather than judging. Then, leave space for them to grow and change without pigeonholing them or assuming they’ll become a certain way.

If I wrote this manifesto today, I would also commit to holding my kids to a high standard. I thought this would happen inevitably because my husband and I both have really high standards for ourselves. But I think that in trying to be so gracious, loving and compassionate, I didn’t hold them to the same standards I hold myself to.

If we had a set of family values, it would also include things like being generous, kind, open and loving. We hold these values as a family, and I trust that my kids are going to catch those values. I trust that they’ll become whoever they’re meant to be.

Create Your Parenting Manifesto

What you focus on is what you create. What you spend your time thinking about is what you end up doing. I encourage you to create a parenting manifesto of your own and put it somewhere you’ll see it often.

Of course, you are welcome to borrow my parenting manifesto. But it becomes even more powerful when you make it your own.

Remember, these are the guiding principles you want to follow, but none of us is perfect. If you make a mistake or don’t show up the way you want to, forgive yourself. Then revisit your manifesto and try again.

Grab a pen and paper, and let’s get to it!

Here are some prompts to get you started:

Make a list of 10-20 things that you are committed to as a parent
What's important for you to model for your kids?
What kind of parent did you need or want? What did you love that your parents did? What do you wish they had done differently?
What kind of parent do you want to be?
What kind of parent does your kid need you to be?

I still look at my manifesto quite frequently because it reminds me of my values as a parent.

I’d love to see what you come up with. Send me an email at hello@calmmamacoaching.com with your parenting manifesto.

Additional Resource:

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Navigating A Teen Mental Health Crisis with Tracey Yokas Sep 26, 2024

Today on the podcast, I am interviewing Tracey Yokas, the author of Bloodlines: A Memoir of Harm and Healing. She is here to share her experience of navigating a teen mental health crisis with her own daughter, including the struggles and what she learned through the process that helped them both cope and heal.

You’ll Learn:

The true cause of eating disorders (it goes much deeper than you might think)
A mindset flip to help you navigate hard times
Why addressing the behavior is not a long-term solution
How to support yourself so you can show up for your child when they’re struggling

Today, 10 years later, Tracey’s daughter, Faith, is healthy, and they have a beautiful relationship. I think you’ll love this conversation about compassion, sitting with your child in the struggle, hope and much more.

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Prior to writing her recent book, Tracy earned her master's degree in counseling psychology, and she lives in Newbury Park, California with her family, her cats and her fish. And when she's not writing about mental health, she can be found playing with paint, glitter, and glue. She loves to bring people together through art in order to help women in their journey towards authenticity.

A Teen in Crisis

I’ve described Tracey’s book as a story about healing from grief. In this case, Tracey’s mom passed away suddenly. Her daughter, Faith, had been close to her grandmother, and her grief showed up in the form of eating disorder, self harm, depression and anxiety.

Faith’s first symptom appeared about three weeks after Tracey’s mom died. She suddenly wasn’t as hungry as she usually was. She began eating less, and that quickly escalated into not wanting to eat anything at all. Tracey knew pretty quickly that she was not consuming enough food to stay healthy. Faith also started doing self harm in the form of cutting.

Tracey describes the overall experience of this time as devastating. Their lives were “normal”. Then, it was like a switch was flipped and it no longer was. It was isolating, terrifying, as if the rug had been pulled out from under their feet.

Tracey withdrew from her friends and activities and committed (to an unhealthy degree) to her daughter’s recovery. She did the research, read the books, went to the appointments - did everything she could to try to solve the problem.

She now sees that she was operating under a lot of false assumptions about what she was supposed to do and how she was supposed to be. And wounds from earlier in her own life were exacerbated by this perceived loss of control over her family’s well being.

There were so many pieces that came together to heal Faith, Tracey and the rest of their family, including residential treatment, individual, couple and family therapy. Tracey says that, for them, learning to truly understand compassion between human beings was a “hugely life changing” part of the process.

Unhealthy Coping Strategies

As we talk about so often on this podcast, all behavior is a strategy to communicate, cope, or change our circumstance. Tracey’s story is no different.

Through this crisis, she learned that eating disorders are really about someone struggling in their own life with powerlessness, control issues and low self esteem. It’s much deeper and more complicated than wanting to look thinner. In the book, she says, “Eating disorders are an unhealthy attempt to change low self esteem, and their coping mechanism for being terrified of not measuring up.”

Often, eating disorder and self harm behaviors like cutting go hand-in-hand. You might see someone get into healthier eating habits, but then the cutting resurfaces, or vice versa. It’s an attempt to replace one coping strategy with another. Symptoms keep popping up because there is a deeper root cause that hasn’t been healed.

When you understand that disordered eating, self harm or other symptoms are a strategy for something that's going on inside, you can realize that it's not against you as the parent. It's not personal. It's not because you did something wrong.

Tracey shares that, looking back, she thinks it did her family a disservice to be so hyper-focused on the behavior. This is easy to do because the behavior is what you see. It is what scares and overwhelms you. But it’s also easy to get lost in the behavior (the symptom) and lose sight of compassion for the deeper struggle.

Navigating a Teen Mental Health Crisis

When Tracey saw her daughter suffering in this way, she says she hit an emotional rock bottom. The baggage she’d been carrying with her throughout her life came to the surface. She realized that she couldn’t actually control anyone but herself.

As a mom, you’re going to want to eliminate the pain for your child. You want to fix things for them. But you can only actually do your own work.

Tracey breaks down her healing journey into three parts: self care, self trust and self love.

Self care. Tracey shares that for nearly two years, she was missing the point that her therapist was asking her to do the same thing that she wanted her daughter to do - take better care of herself.

She thought that everybody else had to be okay first. But she learned that , while she needed to facilitate the best treatment she could for her daughter, she also had a responsibility to take care of herself and heal herself.

Tracey believes self care is totally misunderstood by many people. It’s not just about the external stuff. It really comes down to understanding our own patterns, tendencies and coping mechanisms, and choosing strategies that move us toward connection rather than away from it.

Her own experience of self care looked like a return to a creative practice. She says, “I could never have imagined where, ultimately, creativity would lead me and all the benefits I would get from it.”

Self trust. When you don’t trust yourself, you don’t have an inner guide for making decisions in your life. When things don’t go the way you envisioned, what will you draw from?

Tracy says self trust is about staying connected to yourself, being okay with each step of the process and trusting the reasons behind your decisions.

Self love. This one is really hard, especially if you haven’t had a loving relationship with yourself in the past. But when we heal, our kids inevitably heal because we interact with them differently. I love what

Moving Toward Compassion

Tracey writes in her book about becoming a compassionate witness of Faith and of her pain and struggle:

Instead of reacting in fear, despair, and confusion, now, at least on the outside, I could respond differently. Calmness, concerted, and focused had required discussion with the therapists, input from Faith, trial and error, and lots of practice for which life afforded me opportunity.

Over time, I improved. I learned to sit on the floor, breathe, remain quiet and very still, preventing my own body and my own emotions from being hijacked.

I could witness Faith's pain without trying (at least most of the time) to intervene or to fix. Without floating away on waves of my own anxiety. Without being swept up in currents of fear.

This is really what compassion looks like. Sitting on the floor, breathing. This is what your kid needs.

Tracey goes on to write: Sweaty and spent, Faith would calm down because she would always eventually calm down. The big feeling cycle always ends. You're just there to be a witness. The problem solving, dealing with the behavior, talking about it can all wait until later.

I am so thankful to Tracey for writing this beautiful and sharing her story with us on the podcast. She is a wonderful example of what becoming a calm mama is all about.

If you or your child are struggling, please reach out to get the support you need. Get in touch with a therapist, Tracey, me or a trusted family member or friend. You are not alone.

Connect with Tracey Yokas:

Read the book: Bloodlines: A Memoir of Harm and Healing
Visit Tracey’s website to learn more about her work
Connect on LinkedIn
Follow Tracey on Instagram and

Neurobehavioral Conditions with Eileen Devine Sep 19, 2024

Today on Become A Calm Mama, you get double the parent coaches! My guest, Eileen Devine, specializes in supporting parents who are raising kids with neurobehavioral conditions.

Signs that your child might be struggling with a neurobehavioral condition
Common challenges for kids with neurobehavioral conditions and their parents
Eileen’s favorite mantra for difficult moments
3 key factors to find strategies that work for your kid’s brain

Listen as Eileen’s shares her “brain first” approach to parenting, along with practical strategies to support your child and yourself as you figure out what works best for your kid’s unique brain.

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If your child is experiencing a neurobehavioral condition or if you’re seeing behavior that seems really out of bounds, extreme or scary, this episode will give you hope and tools for a calmer future.

Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. Eileen has over 15 years of clinical experience and is the adoptive mother of a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), a serious neurobehavioral condition.

She believes that when we understand the way a child's brain works, we then understand the meaning behind challenging behaviors. You’ve probably heard me say that feelings drive behavior. Eileen will show you how the way your child’s brain interprets the world influences their behavior, too.

What Are Neurobehavioral Conditions?

Simply put, neurobehavioral conditions happen when someone’s brain works differently. As a result, a person experiences the world differently than society expects, and it can show up in behaviors.

There are a lot of reasons why this can happen (sometimes we know the reason, and sometimes we don’t). There might be a medical diagnosis of ADHD, autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or prenatal or postnatal trauma. Neurobehavioral conditions can also show up in kids with neuroimmune conditions, brain inflammation or rare seizure disorders.

Eileen explains that, while some parents get a clear diagnosis or explanation of the cause of their child’s condition, not all do. And it can be discouraging for parents to relentlessly search for a diagnosis, thinking it will tell them everything they need to know.

The fact is that all of these diagnoses point to the brain, and no matter the cause, you need to work with the symptoms to see behavioral change.

Parenting Mindset Shifts

The behaviors that come with neurobehavioral conditions can be really challenging for parents.

You might struggle with deeply held beliefs about what it looks like to parent a child of a certain age.

It’s easy to become reactive when your child is rigid in their thoughts or lacks tolerance for minor frustrations or can’t understand other people’s perspectives.

You might even make that leap that these are more than behaviors - they are your kid’s character. It’s scary to think that your child isn’t growing into a good person.

But your child is not their behavior. And with these brain-based differences, it will be necessary to make certain accommodations.

A major mind shift that Eileen helps her clients make is realizing that these behaviors are not because your child doesn’t care. They’re not lazy. They’re not manipulating you. They might simply be in an environment or have expectations on them that they don’t have the skills to meet right now.

Some other mindset shifts that Eileen loves can also be used as mantras when you’re in a difficult moment:

My child would be doing better if they could.
This is as hard as I think it is. And also, I’m going to be okay.
Stay soft.
I am dealing with this.

Another major shift comes when you can fully accept who your child is. From this place, you can begin to set yourself up so that you have the endurance to parent your unique child for the remainder of their life, even when many people in our society won’t understand.

A Brain First Approach to Parenting

It’s one thing to understand that your child’s brain works differently. It’s another thing entirely to figure out how to manage your relationship and their behaviors on a daily basis.

The brain first lens is really two sides of the same coin. One side is about your kid’s neurobiology, how their brain works differently and their fragile nervous system. The other side is about regulating your own nervous system.

Just as we start with Calm and taking a pause break in the Calm Mama world, Eileen encourages parents to take a second between their initial, visceral reaction and what they do next. As long as everyone is safe, focus on calming yourself.

She says, “It really is a waste of a parent's precious and limited energy to try to do anything else except to regulate their own nervous system.”

Stop talking, stop reacting. Give yourself permission and however much time it takes to regulate yourself so that you can come back and lead from a place of empathy and compassion.

Once the storm has passed, you can start to think about what skills are lacking and how to make accommodations and fill those gaps in a way that works for your kid’s brain.

Start with a real, honest evaluation of your expectations, as well as your child’s ability to meet them. Knowing that their brain works differently, are your expectations still appropriate? Ask yourself what the brain has to do in order to be successful in meeting your expectation or completing that task? Does your child have that skill?

Often, there is a mismatch there. You kid might have a lag in executive function, language, communication, emotional regulation, sensory processing or other skills. That gap leads to chronic frustration for your child and might show up as explosiveness, shutting down or extreme anxiety.

When you see this connection, the behavior starts to make a lot more sense, and you can start looking at ways to accommodate for your kid’s differences.

Just as I say with compassionate parenting, using a brain-first approach is a long game. You might not see immediate results, but short compliance isn’t really what we’re after. This is a bigger transformation that won’t happen overnight.

You are not alone in this parenting journey. There are other families struggling in the same ways that you are. And support is available to you.

I want to leave you with Eileen’s encouragement that by changing your approach, you won’t be working any harder at parenting. You’ve already been working so hard. That energy is just going to be put somewhere different - that will actually create progress.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect with Eileen:

Learn more about Eileen and her work at https://www.eileendevine.com
Connect on Facebook
Follow her on IG @eileen.devine_brain.first
Register for the free “Brain First” workshop

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Surgeon General Says Parents Aren’t Ok Sep 12, 2024

Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory saying that parents aren’t ok. There’s a lot that goes into raising emotionally healthy kids, and a huge part of it is your own mental health, including how you handle stress and negative emotions.

In today’s episode, I’m breaking down this 36-page advisory and sharing some of the highlights (or lowlights) of the report in simple terms.

You’ll Learn:

Why parents are so stressed out (it’s not just you)
The problems with parent stress
The Surgeon General’s recommendations for supporting parents in our society
What you can do to better manage your stress

I find it encouraging that someone in a position to make change is acknowledging this problem. And I hope that as I talk about the issue of parent stress, you feel seen and it helps you understand what’s going on for you.

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Why is Stress a Problem for Parents?

Your mental health affects the well-being of your children. When you have a lot of stress in your life, particularly if it is severe or prolonged, it’s going to have an effect on you. And the way you handle it is going to affect your kid.

If you’re dumping your stress or negative emotions on your kid, emotionally checking out or not doing things that need to be done because you’re overwhelmed, it might create a problem for your child.

The Surgeon General says, “The stresses parents and caregivers have today are being passed to children in direct and indirect ways, impacting families and communities across America.”

We live in a society and parenting culture where stress is pervasive. And this stress on parents impacts the health and well-being of our entire society.

The Parents Aren’t Ok

As I outline these different types of practical, mental and emotional stress, you might relate to some and not others. Notice what is causing you the most stress right now.

Parenting itself is stressful. We’ve known this forever, right? You’ll experience different stressors during different developmental stages, but they all have their own challenges. I talked more about the 3 stages of parenting on the podcast a few weeks ago.

Money and financial strain. Financial worries continue to be a top stressor among parents. We likely all feel some level of financial insecurity, if not for ourselves then for our kids’ futures. And if your family struggles to even meet your child's basic needs, pay for child care costs, and provide for health and education expenses, the stress is more intense.

Time. The amount of time parents spend directly caring for their kids has increased significantly in the past 40-ish years, but we still have the same number of hours in the day. When you’re trying to balance work, kids, aging parents, and other responsibilities, of course you’re feeling conflicted, guilty and burned out.

Mental load. There's a significant amount of mental labor involved with parenting - Balancing complex schedules, anticipating your kid’s needs, making hundreds of decisions a day on behalf of them, monitoring their progress. When so much mental capacity goes to your kid, there isn’t a lot left to focus on other things.

It can negatively impact your own cognitive functioning and psychological well-being. Because when you are consumed by thinking about someone else's well-being, you're not thinking about yours. This is one of the big reasons why self-care is so hard for moms.

Fears about your kid’s mental and physical health & safety. We see that our kids are vulnerable, and it’s scary. From gun violence to drugs and alcohol and bullying. There are a lot of safety concerns. Plus, the report shares that “nearly 3-in-4 parents are extremely or somewhat worried that their child will struggle with anxiety or depression.”

Concerns and confusion over tech & social media. According to the advisory, “Nearly 70% of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media as the top two cited reasons.”

Cultural Pressure. It’s very common for parents to perceive that everybody else is doing it right, and you're doing it wrong. You might think there’s some standard or expectation that you aren’t meeting. These might come from culture, comparing yourself with other moms, your own parents, etc.

Our children’s future. We don’t understand the future. Things are changing so quickly, and we don’t know how to set our kids up for success. You cannot prepare your child for everything in the future, and trying to do so leads to burnout.

Parental Isolation and Loneliness: The Surgeon General states that, “Social isolation and lack of social support can lead to heightened stress.” When you are alone and you feel like you're not doing a good job, you're going to feel more stressed. You’ll think you need to do more, do better, and this just leads to burnout.

Let me be clear: If you're feeling stressed as a parent, it's not because you're not doing it right. It's not because there's some magic formula that you haven't figured out yet. It's not because all the other moms know how to do it and you don't.

Your stress is because of the expectations put on you by yourself and society, fears and worries that you're not managing well, and strain from overcommitting your time, energy or money.

The Big Picture

The Surgeon General recommends four primary action steps for our society as a whole.

The first is a societal shift in the perspective on parenting. Basically, he says that we should value parents more, give them more support and see them as a vital part of our society.

Second is societal support, including investing in education, the health and safety of our children and creating communities for parents to find friendships, practical assistance and emotional support.

Next comes talking more openly about the stress and struggles of parenting. We need to talk about the evolving demands of parenting and where we’re having a tough time. We need to say, “I need help.” Doing this more often will combat the feelings of shame and guilt that come with our struggles.

Finally, we must foster a culture of connection among parents to combat loneliness and isolation. He says, “Creating opportunities for parents to come together, share experiences and ideas and support each other can strengthen parental well-being.” This is exactly what I’ve worked to create in the Calm Mama Club.

Ultimately, the more we can support parents, the more our kids will be supported.

How You Can Manage Parenting Stress

These huge social changes sound great, but it isn’t actually the world we’re living in today. So what can YOU do to feel better?

The first step is to understand why you are feeling so stressed. Then, you can start to find ways to manage that stress better. As you read these suggestions, think about which ones might be most impactful for you right now.

Take care of yourself. Prioritizing yourself can be difficult, but it is a key part of how you care for your family. Some examples include getting as much sleep as you can, exercising, balancing your diet and doing things that bring you joy.

Even small investments of time can make a meaningful difference. You don’t need massages and mani/pedis. Sitting quietly drinking my coffee and playing my Wordle is self care. Spending a few minutes outside with the sun on my face, going on a walk, reading a book or talking to my best friend on the phone are some of my favorite ways to care for myself.

Holding boundaries around your time and energy is also a part of self-care. I like to teach moms to take a Calm Mama Break and do something for themselves.

In addition to caring for your body, caring for your heart will help you manage your stress. Love yourself deeper. The Surgeon General agrees. He says, “It is impossible to get parenting right all the time. So being compassionate and forgiving with oneself is essential.”

Nurture connections with other parents. Join a parent group, get involved with the PTA or other organizations, go to a playgroup. If you’re a working mom, connect with other working moms you can relate to. Get together just to have some fun.

Pay attention to your mental health. Realizing that you need help and support and asking for it is not just ok - it’s vital. Talk to your doctor, a therapist or a coach.

I hope this has made you feel more seen and understood. Yep, you’re stressed. There are good reasons for it, and there are steps you can take to reduce that stress. Look at your personal stressors and make a plan of how you’re going to deal with them.

If your mental load is intense and you’re overscheduled, you can make changes. If you’re feeling the financial strain, you can work on a budget. If you’re worried about social media, create a tech plan for your family.

I created my programs to be a place of hope, love and support for moms. You can’t shock me. And if you’re in one of my groups, you’ll experience the feeling of validation from other moms saying, “Yep, I’ve been there, too.” You don’t have to figure this all out alone.

If you’re struggling, raise your hand and say, “Hey, I need some help here.” Say it to me or a family member or friend. There are people in your life who love and care about you.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Mentioned in this Episode:

Read Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Venmo Moms & Volunteer Moms Sep 05, 2024

Today I’m talking about Venmo moms, volunteer moms and everything in between.

If you haven’t heard of a “Venmo mom”, it’s a term that’s been going around on TikTok and Instagram lately. Essentially, a Venmo mom is someone who isn't really interested in being a hands-on volunteer with their kid’s school, team, etc. They wanna just send some money to support those programs.

You’ll Learn:

Why Venmo moms and volunteer moms may not be so different from each other
The good, bad and ugly of volunteering
Why there’s so much mama drama, especially in the elementary school years
How to start showing up as whatever kind of mom you want to be

In my opinion, one is not better than the other, but we can learn something from both approaches.

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Venmo Moms

I recently saw a TikTok from @nealfamilychaos, who was talking about how she doesn’t want to do all the hands-on stuff, but when she just sends cash, she feels judged by other parents who volunteer a lot. She said, “I don't want to be on PTO, PTA, room mom, team mom. I don't want to do any of that.” And she said that she feels really stressed when they start asking for volunteers.

Her video went viral, and there were a lot of comments from other moms who felt the same way. Even moms who do volunteer shared how much they appreciate the moms who send in money. There’s a place for everyone.

It's easy to compare yourself to other moms and to judge yourself or think that other people are judging you. But the truth is that there are so many ways to be a mom, and we all have different capacities and amounts of time, energy and money.

I love this TikTok mom for owning her own story and reality. She’s okay with who she is and the way she’s willing (and not willing) to contribute.

You can let your no be no - No, thank you. I'm not interested. I'm not available. I'm not open to volunteering this year. That's not gonna work for me. And just let that be okay.

You're doing your best. You're doing what is right for your family, what works for your kids or you or your finances or your time or your energy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Volunteer Moms

There are benefits to being involved, on the inside and having some influence, but it can also come with a lot of demands, pressure and time.

I’ve been the volunteer mom at certain stages. The first year my oldest son was in elementary school, I really didn’t know anything about our Parent Faculty Association, and I didn’t want to do anything. Over time, I started to get more involved. I became a room parent, started to take on some leadership roles and eventually became the president of our PFA.

There’s a lot of unpaid labor in the mom world, and this video really made me think about all the things we’re paying for - either with our money, our time or both. It brought up some questions for me that you can use to determine where you want your time, energy and dollars to go.

Is it necessary? Maybe we don’t actually need to be doing all this stuff for our kids. Maybe we don’t need a special treat after every soccer game. Some of the things that have become expected or the norm really might not be necessary at all. And by overparenting, we’re creating too much work for ourselves.

How can we distribute the workload? Of course, some things are necessary. It’s not fair for the stay-at-home parent or the primary parent to be giving all of their time and energy to the school. It’s a huge sacrifice.

Can we outsource or do things in a different way that puts less burden on the parents? It’s not really cool that we’ve built a society that is dependent on the unpaid labor of parents. If there’s a group of parents who are willing to give money but don’t want to volunteer, can they hire someone to do what needs to be done?

What are you getting out of it? Personally, I got a lot out of volunteering when my kids were in elementary school. I got to know the teacher really well, along with the other kids in the class. I met some of the other parents and got to connect with them. I grew in my leadership, relational skills, problem solving, decision making and conflict resolution. I learned Google Docs and how to manage a huge budget.

Ask yourself what you want from your volunteer experience (if you choose to get involved). Maybe you want a challenge or to meet new people. There are growth opportunities there if you’re willing and able to pay the cost in time and energy.

Creating a No-Judgment Zone

The ugly parts come in when the drama begins. This can be true of any organization, but seems even more intense with elementary school moms because there are so many expectations, hopes, dreams, needs & fears they have for their kids and the school experience. When you put a lot of that anxious, perfectionist energy together, there’s going to be some drama and chaos.

Venmo moms aren’t the only ones who face judgment. There are plenty of other stereotypes out there of the PTA mom, the anxious mom, the perfectionist mom, the gossipy room mom.

We don’t have to buy into any of these. As much as possible, stay out of the gossip, remain neutral and be compassionate when someone is expressing an idea or hope.

You can also be a voice of love and hope and compassion, not just in your family, but in the communities that you find yourself in.

Whether you are a Venmo mom or a hands-on volunteer mom or a mix between the two, let's commit to not judging each other. Let's commit to loving each other and appreciating each other. Let's commit to not judging ourselves. Let's commit to loving and appreciating ourselves.

No matter how you show up as a mom, you get to believe that you're doing a good job.

You get to trust yourself. You get to take excellent care of yourself, whether that means volunteering or not volunteering.

You have the permission to show up as the mom that you want to be, and you get to create what that looks like. You get to try things. And if they don't work, you get to stop doing them. You get to quit things. You get to say yes, and you get to say no. You get to change your mind.

You get to be you in whatever way you show up as a mom, and you are good enough exactly as you are.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

My Roomier Nest Story Aug 29, 2024

I’ve just dropped off my youngest son at college. And rather than focus on my home being an empty nest, I like to think of it as my roomier nest.

You’ll Learn:

How to find the wisdom in procrastination
The different ways feelings show up in our bodies and minds
My take on an empty nest
What I want out of this next stage

I hope that by sharing my story and perspective, you’ll feel less alone and understand what we’re really going through during this time.

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My Roomier Nest Story

On Sawyer’s drop-off day, I really didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t start the day in my big feelings, but I recognized that I’d been finding ways to procrastinate and avoid this day all summer. I really didn’t want to even think about him leaving. Even as the time grew closer, I kept myself busy with the practical pieces, the shopping, the planning.

When move-in day came, I noticed that I was grumpy and testy, which is unusual for me. When I got in my car after a physical therapy appointment, I suddenly felt so sick - nauseous and heavy, like I’d been punched in the stomach.

The closest name I could give the emotion was dread. But it wasn’t in my head. It was fully in my body. Something in my very core did not feel good. As soon as I got home, I started to cry really hard.

I pulled it together for an amazing call with the Calm Mama Club, and when I got off of Zoom, I went numb. I kept going through the motions of running errands, packing up the car and riding to Santa Barbara.

But through the whole drive, I could tell that my nervous system was on fire. I didn’t feel safe. I was anxious and on edge. I was breathing quickly and sweating. Again, it was such a physiological reaction.

We got him moved in and met up with my older son for dinner. Afterward, it was time for Sawyer to go to an orientation meeting and start his dorm life. There wasn’t really a reason for us to go back with him, so we said goodbye in front of the sushi restaurant and he drove away.

It wasn’t how I pictured it. I thought we’d go back to his dorm, I’d take some pictures, we’d have some more time. As my husband and I started driving home, I wasn’t having a ton of feelings and I got really chatty (the opposite of my reaction when we left Lincoln at school the year before).

But as we took the exit toward our house, my body went haywire. I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach. Without getting too graphic, I made it home and spent the next 2 hours in the bathroom. It was like a physiological grief. I wasn’t thinking my feelings. I was feeling them fully in my body.

To be honest, all of this was a bit of a shock to me. I hadn’t been feeling much. I thought I was okay. But the body never lies. We store stress in our bodies, and our bodies communicate with us.

Finally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt like someone had died. It was a deep, deep grief. My past experiences of grief have been physiological, too. I get very tired and achy. I need to be cozy in my bed. So that’s what I’ve been doing - getting up for the must-dos of my day and then retreating back to my bed.

All of this to say, your reaction to this change may not be what you expected. It might sneak up on you or show up in a surprising way. Whatever you feel and however those feelings come up are okay.

A New Stage

My youngest son moving out marks the end of my motherhood years. Some part of my identity and my existence has ended. I need to allow this chapter of my life to come to a close.

I loved raising kids, and the experience changed me on a deep level. I’ve used this opportunity to become aware, heal, evaluate and grow.

Of course, I’m still a mom. But my kids are adults. They’re grown, and I am about to embark on a new journey.

In order to move on, we have to allow ourselves to grieve. To let go of motherhood as we’ve known it so far and make room for the next stage. You can grieve and feel sorrow while also holding hope for what’s next.

I’m calling my next stage the roomier nest. With more room in my home and my life, I’ll have more time, energy and capacity to love my children and love myself more deeply.

To use the metaphor of our kids’ lives being a sporting event, I no longer have a courtside seat, but I can’t wait to hear the recap. I love hearing their stories and what’s going on in their lives. And I’ve realized that I want even more than that.

I want them to come to me before the game and share their strategy. Tell me what they’re thinking and the decisions they’re going to make. I want to be their sounding board and mentor.

In order to make that happen, I have to step back further and further. I have to let go and be okay with the transition we’re experiencing so that I can create space for what’s next.

I think this is what we all want. The end goal isn’t just to launch our kids into adulthood. We also want to have amazing relationships with them when they’re grown.

There is life on the other side of motherhood. I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve, and the next best thing is also right around the corner.

My belly is upset, but my heart is so full of love, hope and excitement.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Surviving the 3 Stages of Motherhood Aug 22, 2024

Over the course of my experience being a mom and coaching hundreds of other moms, I’ve noticed 3 distinct stages of motherhood. No matter what stage you’re in right now, I want you to feel seen and understand more about why you feel the way you feel.

In this episode, I’ll explain these stages and give practical advice for surviving the 3 stages of motherhood.

You’ll Learn:

The 3 stages of motherhood
How to get a break when your body is exhausted and your brain is overwhelmed
My favorite tool to soothe your heart during the tween and teen years

None of these stages lasts forever, and there are things you can do to support yourself along the way.

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The Body Stage

In the first 6 years of your kid’s life, parenting is very, very physical. Your kid is all over your body, wanting to be held, holding your hand, just wanting to be close to you.

You’re using your body a lot so you’re physically drained, but you might also feel really bored at times because it’s not that mentally stimulating. When I was in this stage, all I wanted was a place where I could lay down and not have anybody touching my body.

If you’re in this stage now, the goal is to take excellent care of your body. I’m not talking about fitness or the size or strength of your body. The key is thinking about how to rest your body and take care of it in a way that feels really good to you.

Maybe it’s taking a long shower or bath, getting a massage, watching TV or laying down in the afternoon while your kid is napping. Be gracious with yourself. Of course you're tired. Of course you need rest.

If you have the resources, you can also think about getting a babysitter for just a few hours a week so that you have a bit of a break. A family member or friend might be willing to help you out with this, too.

The Mind Stage

When your kid is between 6-12 years old, you move into the mind stage. These years feel like a jigsaw puzzle of scheduling. You're trying to figure out how to get dinner on the table, get homework done, manage appointments and schoolwork and get your kids to the practices or activities that they need to get to.

With your kids, this is also a time when you’re doing a lot of teaching and talking. They have questions. They want to complain and problem solve with you.

The mental load during these years is huge. Your mind is going to be taxed during these years, so you need to figure out how to take mental breaks. What can you do to just relax and have fun?

This is a great stage to spend more time with other moms. Maybe you love to read or want to do something creative or artistic. Maybe you just want to mindlessly watch Love Island for hours. No judgment here!

If you’re at home during the day, taking a break before the kids get home from school will help you feel recharged and ready for the problems, sibling squabbles, homework, activities, etc. that start when they come in the door.

The Heart Stage

When your kid gets into middle school and high school, you enter a stage where your heart is concerned for them all the time. It feels existential. It feels scary. It feels like you don't have as much power or control. Your kid is making decisions. They're creating new friendships. They're away from you a lot more, often for longer periods of time.

This is the stage that I’m reaching the end of right now. My heart is so tender. I feel for myself. I get scared sometimes. I get overwhelmed. I get angry. I get worried. I have a lot of emotions. And I also feel for my kids as they go through all these hard stages of life.

It feels like the only thing that’s really left at this stage is your heart connection with your kid. It’s beautiful, but it can also be heartbreaking. You’ll need to soothe your own heart a lot through this period of time.

My favorite strategy in this stage is to practice a Positive Parenting Vision. Think about the future, and imagine the best case scenario that you want for your child. Hold a vision that they are going to grow and overcome and become whoever they're meant to be.

If they're making mistakes right now, imagine them overcoming and learning from these mistakes. If they're struggling with something socially, emotionally or academically, imagine them getting the resources they need and overcoming, becoming that next version of themselves.

It used to feel like I had a front row seat to my kids’ lives. Now, I’m not even in the building. I get the highlight reel after the game is over. When I start to worry, I go back to that positive parenting vision.

Other ways to support yourself during this stage are to rely on friends and create hobbies or interests outside of motherhood. Focus on things that bring you satisfaction and joy so that when the “empty nest” time comes, you won’t feel so empty.

Take care of your heart. Tend to it. Talk about it. Get support. Talk to other parents who are going through it. Find new interests and hobbies so that you aren't so brokenhearted.

Surviving the 3 Stages of Motherhood

The truth is that motherhood will always be hard. The period of time that you’re raising children is intense.

Sometimes, there might be overlap in the stages, especially if you have more than one kid. The physical exhaustion and mental overload you feel are normal.

Whatever stage you’re in right now, it won’t be like this forever. The physical exhaustion will lessen when you’re through the body stage. You’ll get your brain back when you’re through the mental stage.

And while I may not yet know what comes after the heart stage, I know that it won’t always be this hard. My kids are going to grow up. We’ll still have an amazing relationship, and my heart will be full of joy for them as they become the next version of themselves.

Motherhood is a brutiful thing (brutal and beautiful). As much as it's challenging, I encourage you to savor it and recognize that it is temporary. It won't always be this hard, but it also won't be this kind of beautiful again.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

5 Back To School Tips Aug 15, 2024

It’s that time of year, so I’m back with an encore episode sharing my top 5 back to school tips. In this episode, you’ll find strategies (and a few reality checks) for a smooth transition into the new school year.

You’ll Learn:

5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle them
Thoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transition
What your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school year
An exercise to help you prepare your mindset

The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks.

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I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening.

My Top 5 Back To School Tips

Understand that your kid may not like their teacher. Especially in the beginning and with younger kids, they might feel shy or not want to talk to their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.
Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Going back to school is really tiring for kids. They’re sitting still, having a lot of sensory input, learning new rules or routines and meeting new people. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.
Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing. Your kid really needs time to connect with you when they come home, and it is the antidote to sibling conflict and annoying behavior.
Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort. When you believe that they’re going to be okay, it’s easier for them to believe it, too.
Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more Big Feeling Cycles (aka tantrums or meltdowns) are likely to happen.

Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly.

Helpful Back To School Thoughts

Feeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).

This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary.
It will take time to figure out our rhythm and routine. These first couple weeks are a time of curiosity and exploration. What feels difficult? Where’s the friction? What’s working well?
I have plenty of time. As you’re figuring out your routines, it might take longer to get out the door in the morning. Dropoff and pickup lines might be long and slow. Give yourself time and permission to figure it out.
I don’t have to be perfect today. If you’re stressed because you’re trying to reach an unreasonable “perfect mom” standard, you’ll put pressure on your kids and they will feel it - which leads to acting out and big feelings.
My kids are 100% going to master the back to school routine. There’s no timeline here. It will take as long as it takes, but they will get there.

Take a few moments to write out a list of thoughts that you want to be thinking during the first week of school. Feel free to borrow mine or come up with your own.

I also want to leave you with the idea that your job is to deliver the calmest, most emotionally regulated kid you can to school in the morning. I call this a gentle handoff.

In order to do this, you need to be calm yourself and have realistic expectations for the morning. Your stress is contagious. But so is your positive thinking and calm.

You are the leader in your home, in both mindset and operations. Your family WILL figure this out.

Free Resources:

Episode 30: Make Mornings Easier
Easy Mornings With Kids: The Ultimate Morning Routine Roadmap

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your Job Aug 08, 2024

It can feel really hard when your kid is unhappy or uncomfortable. It’s easy to blame yourself and feel like you should have done something differently. But your kid’s happiness isn’t your job.

In this episode, I’ll explain what I mean by that and how you can help your child process their emotions without trying to solve all their problems for them.

You’ll Learn:

How much responsibility you have for your kid’s happiness
Why making your kid’s happiness your job might actually be creating other problems
How to support your child through negative emotion in a way that empowers them to soothe and regulate themself

We all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.

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Motherhood is confusing. There are so many different stages and phases. Babies are so vulnerable. They rely on you for everything. But as kids get older, we have to figure out how to back away, give them more responsibility & freedom, let them grow, change & make mistakes so that they build the skills and resiliency that they need in order to launch into adulthood.

One of the biggest skills you can teach your kid is emotional literacy - understanding what they’re feeling, how to express it and what to do with their emotions.

Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your Job

Often, when your kid is upset or uncomfortable, you go into problem solving mode. You try to figure out how to help them feel better and how to prevent that kind of discomfort in the future. It’s normal not to want your kid to be unhappy, but there are a couple things that happen when you work so hard to prevent it.

First, it might keep you from showing up the way you want to and being the emotional coach for your kid. When you think it’s your responsibility to make your kid happy, you might end up thinking negatively about yourself. You might think you’re not a good mom, that you should have planned/done/said something differently. You might see your child’s struggles as being your fault. Or think that you have to work harder and be better.

This is a really hard place for you to be. And I want you to know that you don’t have to take on that guilt.

Second, you end up paving such an easy path for your child that they don’t have the opportunity to work through problems on their own, which is how they develop resilience and emotional literacy.

It simply isn’t possible to prevent all problems and discomfort. Even the most “perfect” parent (not a real thing anyway) cannot prevent unhappy situations from happening. None of us feels happy all the time.

Your kid is going to have hard things happen. It’s a part of life. We don’t want them outsourcing their happiness to you or anyone else. Instead, we want them to believe that they have the power to make themself happy even when shitty stuff happens.

Your job isn’t to eliminate discomfort for your kid. It is to teach them how to handle it and move through their emotions in a healthy way. Guide them when they are unhappy. Allow them to see that they can handle their feelings, that they know how to feel unhappy and how to shift to a different emotion.

How To Support Your Kid’s Emotions

Before you can coach your kid, you have to shift your own thoughts. If you are thinking, “It’s my fault. I have to fix this,” or other bad thoughts about yourself, you’re going to get dysregulated. You won’t be able to stay calm.

If you are judging or blaming yourself for their feelings or you are anxious about their negative emotion, you will likely try to shut down their emotion or rush them through it. You want them to feel better quickly so that you can feel better.

But trying to soothe your kid so that you feel better is backwards. Start by soothing yourself so that you can show up for your child as that calm, neutral, compassionate witness.

A more helpful thought than, “It’s my job to make my kids happy,” is “It’s my job to make sure my kids can handle all their feelings.”

When your kid is upset, sad or disappointed, give time and space for them to feel those uncomfortable feelings. Be in the Big Feeling Cycle with them. Be neutral, show compassion and trust that they will shift out of the negative emotion.

Shifting between different pieces of the nervous system takes a little longer for kids because they don’t have the same perspective and experiences that adults have. As an adult, you’ve been through hard things. You know that you can overcome them, and you have a different perspective.

It may take a little time and support, but kids’ nervous systems are designed to do this. Let go of the responsibility for your child’s happiness, be a calming presence for them and trust that they will be okay.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Why Threats Aren’t Great Aug 01, 2024

If you’ve ever thought, “But my kid only listens when I yell,” this is for you. Today, I’m explaining why threats aren’t great when you’re trying to change behavior and what to do instead.

You’ll Learn:

Why threats might work short-term but aren’t great in the long run
The difference between threats and limits
How to set limits that work
What to do when your kid doesn’t stay within your boundaries

In traditional parenting, fear is often used to pivot a child's behavior. We get mean and harsh and threaten that something bad will happen if they don’t comply. But when you want to raise emotionally healthy kids who think for themselves, you need a different approach.

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Why We Threaten

One reason parents use threats with their kids is simply because it’s what they know. It’s how they were raised.

But even for those of us who are practicing a more compassionate approach, threats still creep up.

The reason is that when your kid misbehaves, you get into your limbic (emotional) center. You feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Changing the behavior feels like an urgent need, even an emergency. You get into “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy.

You want your kid to listen to you and do what you tell them - right now. And when they don’t you might use threats to trigger fear in them and get them to comply.

Why Threats Aren’t Great

The truth is that when we use threats to trigger fear in our children, they are more compliant. It’s effective in changing behavior. However, there is a long-term cost to that short-term gain.

Threats put your child into their fight, flight, freeze or fawn instinct, where they are driven by emotion. They feel vulnerable When you’re really upset with your kid and threatening them, it not only triggers a fear of the threat. It can trigger a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment.

I don’t want your kids to respond to you because they’re afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally.

The other problem with the command-threat model is that when you tell your kid to stop doing something, their brain doesn’t really know what to do instead.

We want to help them move from the limbic center (where everything is driven by emotion) to executive function (where they’re actually thinking). We want them to choose to do what’s in their best interest.

By communicating limits, we tell them what we want them to do and help guide their brain toward the behavior we want.

Shifting from Threats to Limits

A limit helps kids understand what is expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations.

In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct, you set clear boundaries and then let your child experience what happens when they don’t keep that limit.

The goal of limit setting is not to get compliance in the moment. It is to get your kid to think about their actions and start to connect the dots between how they behave and what happens when they behave that way.

Here’s how to get started with limits.

Step 1: Flip the threat into a limit. Often, when a limit is needed, you’ll see a pattern of behavior that you want to change. Identify the problem and the limit you want to set around it, and communicate it clearly to your child.

When you’re first practicing limits, it can help to start by saying it the “wrong” way - like a command along with a threat or a bribe. You might tell them that they need to stop doing something or else something bad will happen. For example, “If you don’t stop fighting with your brother, I’m turning this car around and going home.”

Then, shift it slightly to focus on what the child can do or have and what conditions they must meet. For example, “We can go to the park for a playdate as long as there are no problems in the car on the way there.”

Step 2: Don’t rescue. Rescuing looks like reminding your kid over and over again or not following through on the limit you set. You are trying to rescue them from the consequence by giving them more chances to comply.

Step 3: Follow through on your limit. Let your child experience the impact of their behavior.

The first few times you set limits, your kid probably won't believe you. They’ll think it’s just a threat, and they probably won’t listen. In the short term, the behavior might not change. That’s kinda the point. We want them to experience the negative impact of their behavior, because that is how they learn.

Step 4: Ride out the big feelings. When you follow through on a limit, your kid won’t like it. They might be sad, mad or disappointed, they might cry or yell. It’s normal for them to have a negative emotion when they experience a negative consequence. Don’t be afraid of their feelings. They will pass. Hold firm on your boundary.

After a few times of experiencing the consequences within the limit, you kid will start to realize that it's in their best interest to listen to you.

They won’t need to be afraid of you. They will trust you. And they will know that what you say goes.

Limits are the way the world works. As adults, we navigate limits all the time. Teaching your kids this now will help them make connections in their brain, understand that things happen in a sequence and learn how to function in the world.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Late Summer Pep Talk Jul 25, 2024

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer.

If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode.

You’ll Learn:

Why this late summer with kids feels so tough (it’s totally normal!)
How to get what you want out of the rest of the summer
What to do when your kid’s behavior has gotten out of control
How to fit mini breaks into your busy day

I’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you.

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Believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one feeling this way. We’re in the doldrums of summer, where the initial excitement has worn off but it’s not back-to-school time just yet.

Whatever You’ve Done Is Enough

It’s easy to look around and think that other families have it easier, other moms seem happier and other kids are having more fun.

But whatever you’ve done is enough.

Whether your kids are home or at camp, no matter what they’re doing, they’re probably going to look back on their summer as being pretty great. Because they’re not at school.

Summer is magical for children. There’s fun and late nights and ice cream and maybe a vacation. You don’t have to create some unicorn magical experience for your kid in order to create a good feeling for them.

So whatever you've done or whatever you've planned, I want you to sink into the fact that it's enough. Your kids are having a great summer because it's summer. That is enough.

Late Summer Strategies

That being said, there’s some summer left to go, and you might need a little boost to help you through it.

This time of the summer can be a great time for a reset. I’m sharing 3 different strategies you can try.

Option #1: Mindset Reset

This reset will help you figure out what you want out of the rest of the summer and make it happen.

I often talk about chasing feelings, and this is exactly that. How do you want the rest of your summer to feel? How do you want to feel while it’s happening?

Personally I have been feeling a bit discouraged, sad and disappointed lately, thinking things like, “This summer was wasted,” and “I didn’t plan well. I didn’t do it right.” So I’m working to shift to a more positive mindset.

For the rest of my summer, I’m chasing connection. I want to feel really close to my kids. I’m practicing thoughts like, “I can make family time happen,” “My kids love hanging out with us,” “My kids want to be part of a family,” and “Connection happens in simple ways.”

From these thoughts, I’ll decide on some actions I want to take to feel that connection. Then, I’ll ask my kids if they’d be interested in or willing to do those things. If not, we’ll brainstorm together and come up with some new ideas.

Choose the feeling you want to chase, come up with some thoughts that will help you feel that way and make a list of actions that will help you get the thing you want for the rest of the summer.

Option #2: Limit Reset

If your kids seem super dysregulated or you’re seeing a lot of sibling squabbles or out-of-bounds behavior, it might be time for a Limit Reset.

A big thing that happens during the summer is that we go outside of our boundaries and get loosey goosey on limits around bedtime, sugar or screens. It’s fun in the summer to let some of the structure go and be a bit more free.

But healthy diets, good sleep habits and limited screen time help our kids’ nervous systems stay regulated (and they behave better). If you feel like things have gotten out of balance, take a beat and reset to your typical family rhythms.

Build the normal rules you have during the school year back into your day. Take a day or a few days to get back into that old routine.

A thought that might help with this (especially if things don’t go quite as planned) is, “I can always get back to our rhythms and limits.”

You can also think of this as a “breathe in” day. We’re out and about a lot in the summer. When there’s a lot going on, it’s a lot of stimulation and can be hard on kids’ nervous systems.

During a “breathe in” day, you just chill and recharge. Do quiet activities, relax at home, bake some cookies or make popsicles. Settle everyone down and let their nervous systems get back to a baseline.

Option #3: Reset Your Body

This one is about managing your own burnout. If your body is crying out for a break, you need to take one. You get to take breaks.

Ideally, you can get at least a couple of hours to rest. Swap childcare with a friend, take an afternoon off from work while your kids are at camp, do what you need to do to get yourself a break.

I also love to take mini breaks. A mini break can be as simple as pouring yourself a glass of iced tea and sitting somewhere comfortable or beautiful. Sit, observe and drink your tea. Even a 5-10 minute break like this can be so powerful.

Let your nervous system settle, connect with your body, breathe slowly and let the racing mind settle down. Slow down, be present and pay attention.

You might be thinking that this isn’t possible for you because your kids are always around. You can teach your kids about your mini breaks and invite them to practice with you. Say something like, “Mommy’s doing her mini break. I’m going to sit here for 5 minutes. You’re welcome to get your own drink and sit near me as long as you’re quiet.”

Some other ideas for mini breaks:

Put on your headphones and listen to music or a podcast while you cook dinner
Take a walk alone after your partner gets home
Do a yoga class on YouTube
Take a night off the bedtime routine and read a book

If you have a partner, ask for help with this. If not, reach out to friends, family or a babysitter.

I want for you to finish this summer feeling empowered, confident, content and hopeful. To look back at the end of it and think to yourself, “Good job, Mama. We did it.”

So give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far. Then, take a moment to figure out what you need. Whether it’s more limits and rhythms, mindset and an action plan or a break (or all three), go get it for yourself. Take care of yourself, Mama. You’ve got this!

Mentioned in this episode:

The Mama Attorney on Instagram
Episode 19: Stress-Free Summer Mindset
Episode 21: Avoid Summer Burnout
Episode 76: Summer Reset
Get my free Summer Toolkit

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

How To Do a Digital Detox Jul 18, 2024

Today, I’m talking about how to do a digital detox, why you should consider trying it and the benefits to your kids. Plus, I’ll give you tips and some ideas of what your kids can do when they aren't on screens.

You’ll Learn:

What a digital detox is and why you might do one
How to know if now is the right time for a detox
Ways a digital detox can benefit your kids
Tips for doing a digital detox in your family

I always say my life’s mission is to heal the next generation in advance. One of the ways I want to help you do this is by giving you strategies to avoid overexposing your children to the virtual world while underexposing them to real life opportunities.

A digital detox takes screen time limits to another level. It is an intentional period of time (usually 2 to 3 weeks) when you’re taking screens off the table and resetting your child’s brain and nervous system.

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When our kids spend a lot of time in the virtual world on screens, the big opportunity cost is that they aren’t spending that time doing real life stuff.

Before we really get into it, I want to remind you that just listening to this podcast or reading this blog shows that you care about being a parent (and you’re already a really amazing one!). No need to judge or criticize yourself if you realize that there are some things you’d like to change.

Does Your Kid Need a Digital Detox?

Kids’ brains were not built to be exposed to high levels of stimulation and dopamine all the time (which is what they get from screens). Digital entertainment can overload children’s nervous systems, increase their cortisol (a stress hormone) and make everything else seem boring.

In our family, we introduced tech pretty slowly to our kids. They had really limited access to screens, and we didn’t give them video games until they were 10 and 12 years old. When the video games started, I immediately noticed intense dysregulation, more fighting and agitation.

So, one summer, I decided to do our first detox. The first couple of days were a little rough, but I very quickly noticed that the intensity, dysregulation and frustration in our house cooled down. The kids started to play together more. They were more compliant. They were happier. So every once in a while over the next few years, we did a 2 or 3 week detox.

Tantrums and Big Feeling Cycles are normal, but these are some signs that there could be some screen overuse going on:

Screen time is getting in the way of real life connection
Behavioral concerns after screen time ends (tantrums, outbursts)
Loss of interest in non-screen activities
Child seems sad, anxious or withdrawn
Difficulty expressing themselves or making eye contact
Intense sibling fights
Constant complaints about being bored
Child feels difficult to get along with
Struggling in school or camp
Child has low-frustration tolerance
Child’s ability to concentrate has decreased or not expanding

Each kid’s nervous system and tolerance to screens is different. Ultimately, if your kid seems a little off-balance, I invite you to consider a digital detox.

Benefits of a Digital Detox

One of my clients recently shared with me that she thinks the reason they’re having such a good summer is because they’ve pulled back all devices, and the kids are just playing all the time.

When you do a digital detox and your child knows in their mind that they don't have the option of getting a device, it forces their brain to find other solutions. If you give the brain the chance, it will rise to the occasion.

Here are some of the biggest benefits.

You’re giving your child the gift of time. This creates a giant opportunity for other real life experiences and skills. They play more, read more and use their creativity. They can get into drawing, practice an instrument or basketball or swimming, ride a bike.

They get to practice failing. In play, kids experiment and try things. Some things work and some don’t. They have the opportunity to problem solve and figure it out. They build resilience to frustration and learn to work through challenges. Your kid will learn that they can handle things, that they're smart and creative, which boosts confidence.

Behavior improves. Without digital entertainment, the nervous system gets a chance to balance itself. When your child is not stressed by ups and downs in dopamine and cortisol, they aren’t as frustrated, irritated or anxious. They behave better because they feel better. Sleep and mood can also improve.

How To Do a Digital Detox

A digital detox can be hard, but it’s probably not as hard as you think. 2 weeks might sound like a long time, but it actually goes by pretty quickly.

Step 1: Look at your calendar and choose 2 weeks for the digital detox. Choose a time when you feel capable and ready to handle it, to give it your attention. If your kids are in camps this summer, starting on a Monday might make the transition easier. Personally, I think the 2 weeks before school starts are great, because your kid will be really well regulated when school starts.

If there are stressful things happening in your life, it’s not a good time for a detox. Events like changing jobs, having a baby or dealing with challenges in your marriage or partnership will make it difficult to bring the intention you want to the detox. It’s hard to help your child reset when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Step 2: Remove all portable individual screens and devices. You can take them to their office, stash them in the car, put them in a safe, whatever works for you.

Step 3: Talk to your kids. Sit around the table during a meal or treat and say something like...

“We're gonna try something new for a little while. We've read about the benefits of taking a technology break. And as your parent, I wanna help you have the strongest brain and strongest body possible. I want our family to enjoy time together without screens, so we're going to take a screen break. It will not be forever, but for now, you won't be using any electronic devices. I know it can be hard to take a break from something you enjoy, but we believe (or I believe) this is gonna be good for our family. We start tomorrow.”

Don’t present it as a punishment, but as something that is good for them. Let them know that you have a plan and you’re going to work through it together.

Step 4: Start the detox. On day 1 or 2 it can be helpful to make a list together of screen free fun ideas.

Here are some ideas for boredom busters you can try:

Bake or cook
Play a board game
Play cards
Build an indoor fort
Look for bugs outside
Go to the library and get new books
Have mom/dad read aloud
Make a robot or other creature with household items destined for the trash
Print fun coloring pages
Stuffed animal party
Play school.
Send Grandma a letter or make her a card
Play & decorate with a large cardboard box.
Write a story/graphic novel
Build a Lego scene
Start a club
Memorize something
Have friends over
Go on a nature walk

There will be times when your kid’s big feelings come out. They’ll be upset because they aren’t getting what they want, something they really love. This can be hard, but it doesn’t last long. When you trust that you're doing this for a good reason and that you stay committed, you can have compassion for your child without changing the circumstance for them.

You might also worry that you’re going to lose your “off” time or breaks. This is short-term work for a long-term payoff. Teaching your children how to deal with frustration, how to be told no and how to deal with boredom have long term benefits to you.

Here are a few final tips:

Recruit a friend to do the detox with you. The kids can play together and bond over how terrible their parents are. 😂
Help your kids get started on an activity or project. Then, let them continue working on it on their own.
Go easy on yourself. If you give up or give in partway through, don’t worry about it. Don’t judge yourself. Reset and decide where you want to go from here. Do you want to put some new limits around screens? Try the detox again in a few weeks?

Maybe your family needs a digital detox right now. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’ve read all of this and think it sounds cool, but maybe later. All of those are okay. There doesn’t have to be urgency here. More like curiosity about if it is the right thing at the right time for your kids and family.

More than anything, I want to remind you that you are the parent, and you get to make decisions in the best interest of your kids. It sometimes feels like technology takes hold of our families. It can feel out of control. I want you to know that it is possible to decrease the amount of digital entertainment your kids have access to, and they will be better off for it.

Related Episodes:

Episode 127: Create a Play Based Childhood
Episode 128: Encouraging Boredom
Episode 129: Screen Free Mindset

Resources:

Get my free Summer Toolkit (including 80+ boredom busters)
Digital Detox by Molly DeFrank (her website also has tons of great tips, strategies and screen free activities)
Reset Your Child's Brain by Dr. Victoria Dunckley
Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Screen Free Mindset Jul 11, 2024

Cultivating a screen free mindset is the first step to helping your kids develop a healthy relationship with technology. Today, you’ll learn what it means to have a screen free mindset (it doesn’t mean no screens ever!) and how to get started setting new limits with your family.

You’ll learn:

The problems with too much screen time
Screen time best practices for kids of all ages
How I managed screen time for my kids from the early days through the teen years
Guidelines to help you adopt a screen free mindset
Examples of limits around screen use (including what to do when they won’t turn it off)

While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be.

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As a parenting coach, I’ll never tell you what your values should be or what you should or shouldn’t do. My goal is to help you understand what your values are and give you strategies to help your life align with the values you choose.

Ultimately, what I stand for is raising kids in a way that does not cause harm. As more research comes out about technology and screen use, we’re seeing that too much screen use actually does harm children.

There aren’t a lot of protections for kids in the virtual world. Tech companies aren’t interested in limiting children's use because they get more money and data from that use. This means that it falls to parents to create those limits.

Today, I’ll provide some best practices for kids and screens. While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be.

Screen Use Best Practices

When it comes to things like sleep and nutrition, most of us have a general idea of what kids need. You can use those guidelines as a baseline ideal. You know how you want your kids to eat and how much sleep you want them to get, but you also know that some days will be closer to that ideal than others.

The Centers for Disease Control, Pediatrics Magazine and the Journal of Adolescent Health (among others) are starting to establish similar guidelines for kids and screens. For our purposes, screens include tv, phone, tablet, computer or any other devices.

Here’s what they’ve laid out by age:

0 to 3 years old - no screens
3 to 7 years old - 30-60 minutes per day
7 to 12 years old - about an hour a day
12 to 15 years old - 1.5 hours per day
16 and older - 2 hours per day

Currently, most kids ages 5 and up are getting around 5 hours per day of discretionary screen time - far beyond the recommended amount.

And studies have shown that kids who have more than the recommended amount of screen time tend to have worse executive functioning, declines in academic performance, delayed language development and detrimental effects on social and emotional growth. They are also more likely to have obesity, sleep disorders, or mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.

Screen Free Mindset

If this is a little overwhelming to you, you’re not alone. Kids love screens, and you’re a busy mom. It’s hard to manage the time and boredom and all of it. But you can start with small changes, including the way you think about screens and your family.

Screen free mindset means that you make an intentional decision that your child's free, unstructured time should be screen free as the default choice. For example, if you’re waiting at the doctor’s office or in a restaurant, rather than handing them your phone, you decide that it will be screen-free time.

The idea is that, instead of automatically giving screen time as the default, you are being intentional about when people are allowed to use screens in your family.

Try thinking about it like this: When you think about your child’s diet, you plan meals, and dessert is a bonus. With a screen free mindset, devices are the dessert - not an essential.

There is an opportunity cost every time your child uses a device. That means they could be using that time to do something else with their brain and body, including:

Moving their bodies
Free play
Outdoor time
Reading, writing or drawing
Interacting with people face-to-face

Screen free time gives kids opportunities to find other ways to entertain themselves and cope with hard moments or feelings without using technology as a pacifier. It also allows them to practice waiting, impulse control and attention to their bodies.

Kids are wired to create and explore and be bored. Your work is to cultivate the mindset that most of your child’s life is going to be screen free.

Managing Screen Time

If your child has been using screens more than the recommended amount, I don’t want you to stress out or feel ashamed. You’re a great parent, and you have lots of time. They are still developing.

The goal now is to work on that screen free mindset and create more screen free, unstructured time for your kid.

Here are some guidelines and strategies to follow:

Set new boundaries, including physical boundaries. Decide what limits you want to put in place. When will your kid have access to screens - how often and for how long? What devices are allowed? What limits will you set on maturity ratings? Are there conditions they’ll need to meet before screen time (e.g. homework or chores done, have played outside and moved their body, etc.)?

When it comes to physical boundaries, think out of sight, out of mind. One way to avoid kids sneaking screens is to keep them in a locked safe or cabinet during screen free times.

A few other things to consider are:

Parental controls. Get familiar with how you can block certain content or sites, including social media and YouTube.
Don’t allow screens in bedrooms. If you do, make sure devices are turned in before bedtime.
Be aware of your own screen use. You might be looking up a recipe for dinner or responding to an important message, but to your kid, device use all looks the same. You might even decide to set limits for yourself when it comes to scrolling social media or other discretionary screen time.

Communicate the new limits with confidence. Commitment and confidence are the keys to success. Let them know that this is how your family will be doing things from now on, and stick to it. There will be some resistance, frustration and complaining. You can handle it.

Show compassion. When your kid is complaining or arguing, you might be tempted to punish them. Try to allow for those big feelings and realize that they are a part of the boredom gap. If problems are created during that big feeling cycle, you can follow up with consequences as usual.

The truth is that creating these new limits can be really challenging, especially if you are resetting from some overuse. Your kids will probably resist these new rules, but I want you to know that that difficulty is temporary.

Your child will be able to overcome that need for quick satisfaction. Let them work through it and trust that on the other side is more peace and ease.

Trust that your values of creating an emotionally healthy kid are the most important. It can be hard, but it's worth it.

Free Resources:

Episode 128 - Encouraging Boredom
National Institutes of Health - National Library of Medicine

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Encouraging Boredom Jul 04, 2024

During the summer, kids have the opportunity for more leisure time, free play and creativity. But as a parent, you might not like the way your kid acts when they’re bored.

In this episode, you’ll learn why encouraging boredom is a good thing and how you can feel more at peace when your kids are bored, dysregulated and frustrated this summer.

You’ll learn:

Why kids act out when they’re bored
How to handle your kid’s boredom
Why encouraging boredom is great for the whole family
How to create opportunities for your kids to practice being bored and working through it

When we give our kids opportunities to be imaginative, creative and overcome boredom, they also develop resilience, grit and confidence. It is powerful for your child to realize that they can deal with discomfort and figure out a solution.

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The Boredom Gap

It can help to think about boredom as the time between activities. I call this the “boredom gap”.

Kids are used to having most of their day filled with structure and adult-directed activities. But the way they act when they’re bored is often an obstacle to giving them more of that free unstructured time that kids need.

When kids are bored, they get dysregulated. Basically, they feel out of balance and uncomfortable. They don't know what to do with that discomfort, so they start acting out. They start bugging their sibling, complaining, being grumpy, having a big feeling cycle, or doing something naughty.

Your tendency might be to jump in and give a bunch of suggestions of things your kid can do. I love having some ideas for boredom busters handy, but you have to offer them up at the right time.

Often, we jump in with suggestions before our kids are ready. There’s a cycle that your child’s brain needs to go through when it is dysregulated, and they might not be ready yet for solutions.

When your kid is bored and dysregulated, their brain is uncomfortable. It is looking for the easiest way to soothe that discomfort.

Screens are a really common request when kids are bored because it’s an easy dopamine hit. It’s the quick fix that makes them feel better in the short term, but it isn’t going to truly satisfy them. Think of it as being hungry and choosing a brownie over broccoli. Plus, the more time kids spend on devices, the more their brains crave that fast, easy stimulation.

How To Handle Boredom

Wait. You have to get comfortable with your kid’s discomfort. Be compassionate and acknowledge what is happening. Look at your child and think, “Oh, they don't know what to do with themselves. They're bored, and they haven't figured out something to do with their brain yet.”

If you need to calm yourself during this time, try thoughts like, “I can handle this,” or “I know they’re going to find a solution.”

Connect. If your child is acting dysregulated, you can use the Connection Tool to ask them if they’re having a rough time or feeling frustrated. Instead of trying to shut down their complaining, recognize that they are struggling and give them space to release some of that stress juice.

It’s important to soothe before you solve. Narrate what you’re seeing. Help them name what they’re feeling. The mental discomfort of boredom can also bring up feelings of loneliness, frustration or annoyance. Offer strategies for them to soothe themself.

Encourage problem solving. Once they are a bit calmer, say, “It’s normal to feel bored. That makes sense. I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution.” You can ask about their ideas or if they want suggestions from you. Invite them to think about what comes next and allow your kid’s brain to find its own solution. .

Encouraging Boredom

How long the boredom gap lasts depends on how often your child has experienced boredom.

The more your kids are bored, the better they get at overcoming and moving quickly through the boredom gap. With practice, their brain gets trained to solve the boredom problem.

Decreasing reliance on screens is one part of this. The brain is naturally going to crave screens, sweets and other easy solutions. When you take these options off the table (at least sometimes), the brain has to work harder, but it’s better for it.

Essentially, the more screen breaks you create, the easier it will be for your kids to shift from restless protest to creative exploration. There will be resistance. Allow for some of that, be compassionate and trust that your child will figure it out.

Allow longer blocks of unscheduled time. In the summer (and even during the school year), many families have gaps of 30-45 minutes between planned activities. This isn’t really enough time for kids to figure out an activity and really get into it and enjoy it. When you have these smaller gaps, it can help to have a plan in mind, like quiet reading time, coloring or some chores.

When you can, block out longer periods of time for your kid to practice working through boredom.

Free Resources:

Summer Toolkit
Episode 127: Create A Play-Based Childhood
Episode 15: When Kids Are Bored
Episode 4: Setting Limits that Work

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Create a Play-Based Childhood Jun 27, 2024

We know that play is fun, but there is so much more to it than that. Today, I’m talking about the importance of play-based childhoods, why our society has moved away from them and some strategies to bring play back into your family and create a play-based childhood for your kid.

You’ll Learn:

The importance of play for our kids
Why play is a challenge in our current society
The key elements of play
How to create a play-based childhood for your kid
Ideas for child-led, open-ended games and toys

One of the most important things to understand is that learning happens through experience, not information. Play allows kids to struggle and learn in ways that feel fun, interesting and challenging.

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Kids want to play, and they need to play. They have a lot to learn before they become adults, and experience (i.e. play) is the key to emotional, psychological, physical and cultural development.

Why Play Is Important

The true purpose of play is for kids to learn how to be adults. They have to learn to move their bodies in a variety of ways, navigate a complex environment, develop fine motor skills, learn to interact with others and build lots of brain skills (both neurological and psychological).

One of the most important things to understand is that learning happens through experience, not information. I like to joke that if lectures worked, I would not have a job. Kids don’t listen when we tell them how to act. They have to go through hard things, experience the impacts and figure it out for themselves.

Play allows kids to struggle and learn in ways that feel fun, interesting and challenging. It works best when kids have unstructured time to explore their creativity, relationships, conflict, responsibility, and lots of other valuable skills. When we provide this open time, our kids learn faster and they start to understand how the world works.

Play in our Society

As a society, we have moved away from play-based childhood and more toward structured, academic enrichment environments or screen-based childhoods. There are several reasons this has happened.

Sometime around the early 90s, a lot more kids started applying to college and it became much more competitive. So, as a society, we started to work more to prepare kids for academic achievement and college admissions, even from a very young age.

This led to more academic enrichment activities and a lot more structure. Don’t get me wrong - learning a foreign language, practicing an instrument, playing sports and taking art classes are cool, but when we fill kids’ schedules with more and more of these adult-led activities, there’s less time left over for unstructured play, curiosity and creativity.

Sometimes, even families who want that unstructured time struggle because their kids’ friends are unavailable to come over to play or go to the park. So they end up enrolling their kids in more activities because that’s what their friends are doing.

We are also living in a car-centric society. Many of us live in cities or areas where our kids can’t really get places on their own. There aren’t open spaces to explore, and they rely on parents to take them places.

And many of us have lost some social connection. Maybe you don’t know your neighbors very well or your kids don’t go to the same school as other neighborhood kids.

Finally, 24-hour news channels and constant alerts on our phones and social media feeds are putting negative news stories in our face that are meant to alarm us. Because of this, we don’t trust other adults as much, and we want to protect our kids.

I share this because I want you to see that you are parenting in a system that makes a play-based childhood hard to achieve. But there are ways that you can opt-out of some of this stuff and provide your child with more unstructured playtime.

The Value of Risk in Play

In his book, The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt explains two different modes that we have as humans - discover and defend.

Discover is about curiosity, learning and trying new things. This happens when your brain detects an opportunity - something interesting. You feel excited and motivated to do something. It activates behavior.

Defend inhibits behavior. When your body or brain detects a threat, you’re flooded with stress and negative thinking, so you pull back. When we are in this mode too much, it can create chronic anxiety.

We want discover mode to be our kids’ default. Here, they come up with mini challenges. Can I climb that branch? How many blocks can I put on my tower before it falls? These experiences train their brain to what their body can or can’t do. It helps kids learn to judge risk for themselves (a skill you’ll definitely want them to have when they’re older).

We want them to have real world experiences and make affordable mistakes that they learn from. This way, they learn their limitations and how to handle it when things go wrong. They develop the ability to process and get past frustrations, minor accidents, teasing, exclusions and normal conflicts without going into defend mode.

Ultimately, we want our kids to know that they can figure things out and handle whatever comes their way.

How To Create a Play-Based Childhood

The best kinds of play share a few key features. This play involves:

Free play that is unstructured and loosely supervised. You are available but not deciding and structuring every piece of the game or play.
An element of physical risk. Climbing low trees, turning over heavy rocks and jumping off swings help our kids learn how to be in their natural environment and test their physical limitations. They get to have experiences in real life with their bodies. This level of risk should not result in costly or permanent mistakes.
Outdoor settings. Being outside provides the opportunity to practice moving through the complex natural environment. Being in nature also supports our kids’ emotional health.
Child-led play. When kids make up and enforce their own rules for a game or activity, it helps them deal with boundaries that exist in the natural world. Statistics actually show that the risk of injury is lower in child-led versus adult-guided sports and games.
Being attuned to others' emotions. Once kids are involved in a game or activity, they have to figure out how to keep it going. They’re taking turns, resolving conflict and sharing emotions.

Where to Play

Your own yard can be the perfect spot for this kind of play, if you have one. Some other great places to let kids experience free play are parks, open spaces, campgrounds, trails, beaches, lakes or community pools.

You don’t need to go somewhere with any kind of purpose. In fact, I want this to be purposeless. You’re just going, and you’ll see what happens when you get there.

Activities Kids Love

Some types of thrills and challenges that kids love are heights, high speeds, dangerous tools, natural elements (like fire and ice), rough and tumble play, disappearing and wandering away.

So, we want them to climb trees and play structures, go on the swings and fast slides, use hammers, drills and kitchen appliances with supervision.

Ideas for child-led games include freeze tag, statue, sword fighting, hide and seek, rolling down hills, foursquare and hopscotch. These are embodied games where kids can decide and change the rules.

There are also toys that foster free play. These allow kids to move around and transform with their imaginations. Loose Lego bricks (not sets), Hot Wheels, stuffed animals, dolls made of natural materials, animal figurines, dress up items, art supplies, clay, sticks, buckets, bubbles and scoops, just to name a few.

Challenges

If your child have not had a lot of opportunity for downtime and free play, they're not going to know what to do at first. Boredom is very uncomfortable, and your kid will resist it.

But if you allow it long enough without interruption by screens, sweets or a solution, your kid will struggle through it and find play.

You can help initiate it if you want by offering little challenges like, “Let’s see how heavy this rock is,” or “I wonder if you can get your arms around this big tree,” or “How long do you think you can swim underwater?”

As a parent, free, risky play can feel scary or unsafe at times. Do what feels good to you and try to allow as much as you can.

There is a place for both structured and unstructured time, and unstructured play doesn't mean that you don’t make plans. You might meet up with other families or schedule an outing. Or you might have your kids in camp during the week and block out unstructured time on the weekends.

Do what works for you. If you value this idea of free play, you can find a way to make it happen.

Mentioned in this Episode:

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Strategies For Grandparents Jun 20, 2024

Who better to talk about strategies for grandparents, than one of the best grandparents I know? I’m so excited to have my mother-in-law, Judie Childress, on the podcast with me today talking all about how parenting has changed over the years and what happens when the worlds of parenting and grandparenting collide.

You’ll Learn:

How my mother-in-law learned about compassionate parenting as I raised my sons
Why it’s sometimes hard to be a grandparent
How to communicate your parenting approach to your parents or in-laws
Strategies for grandparents to be a supportive part of your parenting journey

In most cases, grandparents likely aren’t trying to control you and your family. They love you and your kids. They worry about you and want the best for all of you. Learn how to include them in your parenting journey.

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A Different Way of Parenting

Judie and her husband raised their kids with a more traditional parenting style. She explains that in those days, there was no parenting class. You parented your kids the way that you were parented. It truly was a tradition that was passed down from generation to generation.

As parents, we’re all doing the best we can with what we know. And for the most part, kids raised with a traditional parenting model turn out okay. The problem comes in when it works on the outside (managing behavior), but the inside sometimes doesn’t get the same support. You might grow up to be successful and know how to function in the world but still lack emotional awareness. It can also erode the relationship between parent and child and the relationship your child has with themself.

When my kids were young and I was starting to get into compassionate parenting, Judie says there were a few incidents, times when her traditional parenting style was not working, that made her a believer. She realized that she needed a new way of communicating that wouldn’t lead to explosive episodes with the kids. She also shares that she would get really triggered when the kids blew up because she still had things to work through herself.

Judie says that our feelings “don't just evaporate. They get buried in us, and they stay with us until we can deal with them, or they come up again somehow.” She sees how, even as adults, people try to keep their feelings below the surface because nobody ever taught them what to do with them.

Grandparent Struggles

Often, grandparents struggle because they still feel the need to parent their child (you) to teach you how to parent your own child. They’re still thinking that it’s their job to teach you how to be, what to do and how to live.

If you’re seeking advice or trying things that are outside of your parent’s experience or values, they might feel that they’re being disrespected. They might fear that you’re being too permissive or that you and your kid are going down the wrong path.

And it’s true that traditional and compassionate parenting look different from each other. Behavior modification is quicker with traditional strategies of rewards, bribes, threats, disconnection or fear. With compassionate parenting, you often don’t get immediate compliance. It’s a slower, longer game.

Strategies For Grandparents

In Judie's view, if you want your parents or in-laws to understand this new way of parenting, the best thing is to live it out in front of them. Let them see the way you interact with your kids and how you handle big feelings and behaviors when they come up.

Another thing that can be helpful for grandparents to understand is that this is not a feelings-only model (aka permissive parenting). We address feelings first and behavior second. After getting calm and using connection, we bring it back to limits and consequences. The child isn’t “getting away” with misbehavior.

Trust is huge in these situations. Judie says that her relationship with her son and me was more important than winning an argument or proving a point. Instead, she tried to trust that we were present and figuring it out. She had to trust that we would all be okay.

Having conversations about your parenting approach and strategies you’re trying is also helpful to let grandparents feel involved. When you share your plan and intention, they see that you are making an effort, both with your child and with them.

One statement that I love is, “It might look like I’m being permissive, but I’m not. I’m delaying consequences.” This helps the grandparents feel more calm about the situation at the same time that you’re parenting your kids.

Remember the power of love. Judie says, “I think as long as you can keep loving, whether it's loving the grandparents or loving the kids, it's gonna work because you're caring more about the relationship than you are how it's done.”

We can all give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume that we’re coming from a place of love. When grandparents have concerns, you can say something like, “I know you love me. I know you love my kids. I know you want what's best for us, and I'm taking everything you're suggesting in love. I'm switching gears a bit, and it might look weird to you.”

In most cases, grandparents likely aren’t trying to control you and your family. They love you and your kids. They worry about you and want the best for all of you.

I’m so thankful for the relationship Judie and I have and her support as we’ve gone through this parenting journey together.

If you’re struggling with your parents or in-laws, my challenge to you is to jot down some of the sentences above and say them or email them to the grandparents this week. Start opening the lines of communication and trust.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Shift Any Mood Jun 13, 2024

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes find yourself feeling grumpy, discontent or dissatisfied. And you’d rather be feeling joy, hope, trust or safety. Today, I’m sharing my step-by-step process for how to shift any mood.

You’ll Learn:

My step-by-step process to shift any mood
Why we tend to slip into negative moods
How your thoughts help create the feelings you want
When to use this mood shifting practice

Whether you’re gearing up for a beach day, a long drive or a visit with your in-laws, I’m going to teach you how to feel the way you want to feel during that experience.

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How To Shift Any Mood

First, it’s important to understand that your brain is like a muscle. Whenever you have a thought or an emotion that gets repeated in your brain, a neural pathway is formed and reinforced.

Maybe you’ve gotten into a pattern of looking for problems or feeling discontent. By using more intentional thinking, we can reroute those pathways.

As Robin Sharma says, “What you focus on grows, what you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny.”

Decide what mood you want to be in. Ask yourself, “How do I want to feel during this experience?”

Define the feeling. Go a little deeper into what the feeling that you’re chasing really means. For example, if you want to be present, what does being present look like? If you want to feel joyful, calm, grateful or trusting, what does that mean to you? By focusing on the feeling and defining what it actually looks like and feels like in your body, you’ll be more able to experience it.

Identify obstacles. What might come up that would prevent you from feeling the way you want to feel? Your brain will probably come up with these pretty naturally. It will tell you that you can’t feel joy, belonging or ease for all kinds of reasons. Now, challenge those obstacles by soothing and reassuring yourself against that fear. If you want to be present, but you’re worried about the future, remind yourself that you don’t need to worry because you’ve overcome a lot of obstacles in the past.

Be intentional with your thoughts. Ask, “What thoughts help me feel the feeling I want?” List them out and choose a couple that feel good to you. You’ll use them a bit like a mantra. This is intentional thinking, and it’s how you stay in the feeling that you want and shift back into it.

Reinforce the new thoughts. Chasing a feeling often feels like exactly that - it's not easy to catch. It's right in front of you, and when you grab it, it pulls away again. Your brain is resisting this new neural pathway, so it takes work to keep getting back to the feeling you want. When you notice yourself slipping into more negative feelings (getting grumpy, short-tempered, etc.), use your intentional thoughts to bring yourself back.

You can use this process at any time (I love it as a daily practice), but there are a few situations when I find it especially helpful:

Before a vacation
Before visiting family or in-laws
Before holidays
When you’re struggling with how you feel in your body

I invite you to do this practice and decide, on purpose, how you want to feel this summer. Chase the feeling, be intentional with your thoughts and shift any mood.

Free Resources:

Get the free Summer Toolkit

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

7 Family Essentials This Summer Jun 06, 2024

Summer Break can somehow be both easier and more stressful for parents. Create a rhythm and make sure your kid’s (and your) needs are met with these 7 family essentials this summer.

You’ll Learn:

The 7 essential ingredients every family needs to thrive
Why boredom is super important and how to deal with it
How to troubleshoot when your kid is complaining, grumpy and over-tired
What to do to calm all the nervous systems in your home this summer

If you start to see your kids fighting or complaining a lot, seeming lethargic or unmotivated, this episode will help you to know what to work on to get them back on track and enjoying summer again.

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7 Family Essentials This Summer

During the summer, we tend to get out of balance as a family. The kids stay up later. We travel a lot. There's a lot of extra screen time. And so we get out of our rhythms and routines.

In some ways, there’s a bit more ease, but it’s also a lot of work for parents. When you are able to give your kids access to the types of things they need in order to stay self regulated, you'll have a lot less misbehavior.

It’s impossible to meet every single one of your kid’s physical, emotional and mental needs all the time. But what we can do is build a framework that helps you know what it is that you should be working on if your kids seem off balance.

#1: Family Touch Points

These are real, in-person moments when everyone in your family puts down the devices and does something together. This could be eating a meal, watching a movie together, going for a walk or bike ride, doing a craft or whatever you enjoy doing as a family. The point is that everybody is doing the same thing at the same time.

Research shows that when families enjoy activities together, kids develop a higher self esteem because they feel important. They feel like they matter to the grown ups in their life. It also strengthens your communication with them, and you get better behavior because you’re filling their cup. Plan these times and be intentional with them.

#2: Boredom

Boredom is good for kids’ cognitive and emotional development. They will resist it because it’s uncomfortable. The brain wants fast, easy sources of input. But if you don’t try to solve that problem for your kid, if you let them struggle through the boredom, they will get to the other side - and often come up with really creative ideas.

One way to give kids the opportunity to have boredom is through screen-free breaks. This is a period of time when your kid doesn’t have access to technology. Once their brain realizes that the quick dopamine fix from screens isn’t available, it will solve the problem.

#3: Time In Nature

Children desperately need to be in nature in order to grow up with good physical and emotional health. Kids who spend a lot of time outdoors are less distracted and have a higher ability to focus. They are also less likely to be depressed.

Create as much time as you can to be outside. And when you are in nature, try to move slowly. Look at the sky. Notice the clouds. Look at the birds. Try to find out which one is making which noise. Notice the different colors of green. Let them take their shoes off and dig in the dirt a little bit.

#4: Movement & Rest

Kids need to move their bodies more than adults. I call this big body movement. They need to be running and swimming and throwing and jumping. This movement helps to grow their brains, bodies and nervous systems.

Kids under 10 need 2 rounds of big body movement each day - preferably before noon and again about an hour before you start the bedtime routine. And because movement leads to better quality sleep, kids who are really active during the day also tend to sleep faster and better.

Rest is equally as important as movement. If you’ve had a busy day and a lot of activity, your kid will need to rest their body (and it doesn’t have to be with a screen). They can read a book, snuggle with a stuffed animal or lay and listen to music.

#5: Solitude

As a mom, you are going to need time without your children so you don’t burn out. Build some alone time into your daily rhythm. This is a time to recharge your batteries. Anything you can do to get some help from a partner, spouse, babysitter or friend is really helpful here.

Your kids also need alone time, so plan for breaks when they can have time to themself.

#6: Socializing

Kids need to play with their peers. Often, we over-rely on siblings, cousins or neighbors for social time in the summer, but it’s also important for your kid to see their school friends. It makes the transition back to school easier in the fall.

Ideally, they’ll socialize in an unstructured environment, without adults telling them how to behave or video games telling them what to do. This helps them to learn self governance. This is when we see kids make up games, make up rules and figure out how to enforce them. Summer is also a great time for healthy risk taking, like climbing a tree or jumping off the diving board, and they’re more likely to do these things when other kids are around encouraging them.

#7: Productivity / Creativity

When your kid has a project or a goal, it can be very motivating and create a lot of positive emotion inside of them. Talk to your child and ask them if there’s anything they want to learn or work on. Find something they’re interested in and guide them through it. A sense of accomplishment is super healthy for kids.

As you look at these 7 essentials, think of at least one that you’re already great at. Then, think about where there might be a gap, an area you’d like to add some more of for yourself and your family. Try things and explore in that area and see what happens.

Focus on making things a bit slower. Take really good care of yourself. Let your kids learn some new skills. Enjoy your summer!

And grab the free Stress-Free Summer Toolkit to use as your guide!

Resources:

Get the free Stress-Free Summer Toolkit here.
Last Child In The Woods by Richard Louv
Episode 15: When Kids Are Bored
Episode 21: Avoid Summer Burnout
Episode 67: Screen Time Strategies
Episode 78: When You’re Too Tired To Deal
Episode 87: The 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

3 Unavoidable Aspects of Parenting May 30, 2024

Inspired by the Netflix documentary “Stutz”, these 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting are actually unavoidable aspects of life. They’re universal truths that we all have to deal with as humans.

You’ll Learn:

The 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting (and life)
The lies we tell ourselves that keep us doing more, more, more
How to cope with pain, uncertainty and constant work as a parent
Why the inevitability of these 3 things is actually a huge relief

We will all experience pain, uncertainty and constant work. It’s part of life as a human. If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace. I’m sharing tips to help you do just that - and guide your kids to do the same.

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This podcast was inspired by a Netflix documentary I watched recently called “Stutz”. In it, therapist Phil Stutz explains three unavoidable experiences that we will all have: pain, uncertainty and constant work.

3 Unavoidable Aspects of Parenting

As I was watching, I realized that these 3 things are also true of the parenting experience. I actually found it to be a relief that no matter what you do or who your kids are, pain, uncertainty and constant work are unavoidable.

If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace.

Pain

In this context, I think of pain mainly as emotional pain or psychological discomfort. It might look like grief, anger, anxiety or a combination of emotions. Pain can be brought on by actual situations of loss, rejection, disappointment or trauma. It can also come about simply through the nature of being a child’s caregiver.

Your kid is also going to experience pain. We can’t protect them from all painful experiences, but we can give them the tools to be able to handle the discomforts and pains of life.

And while pain is inevitable, it is not constant. It’s a short-term experience. Suffering is when we dwell on that pain and keep bringing it back up. We don’t need to create this unnecessary suffering for ourselves.

Uncertainty

There are a lot of unknowns in parenting (and in life). We can try to plan or predict what’s going to happen, but we never really know.

The real underlying fear with uncertainty is that something will happen that you won’t be able to handle. So you try to predict and plan and run scenarios through your mind. But this puts you in an anxiety spiral, because you’re trying to solve an imaginary problem.

Constant Work

This isn’t about your job, though that is one part of it. Just to live as a human, you have to take care of your body - eat, drink, clean yourself, etc. Caring for your emotional and spiritual health and your relationships also takes work. Plus, there’s the caregiving aspect of parenting.

When your kids are little, it can feel relentless. You are using your body to care for them all the time. You’re picking them up, carrying them, cleaning up messes.

Then between the ages of 6-12, the work shifts to your head. You’re problem solving, managing schedules and so many details.

In the tween and teen years, the work moves to your heart. During this time, there is a lot of worry and feeling for your kid as they go through tough times. This is also where a lot of uncertainty comes into play.

The Brain’s Tricks

I bought into a lie that I could avoid uncertainty with constant work. My brain tricked me into believing that if I was really, really productive and managed everything, that the future would be settled. So I was hyperplanning, overworking, controlling and not letting others do things. But the truth is that uncertainty still happened, and when it did, I would get really overwhelmed.

I also thought that constantly working would help me avoid pain. I was overworking and overperforming in parenting and life because I was so afraid of pain in the future. And when pain did come up, I tried to fix and solve it immediately.

The problem with buying into these lies is that when uncertainty and pain happen (which they will), you blame yourself. You think that bad things happen because you did something wrong or didn’t work hard enough.

But it’s not your fault that bad things happen, even to your kids. You can’t prevent it, and you don’t even actually want to.

Coping with Pain, Uncertainty and Constant Work

If we can’t get rid of these 3 aspects of life, we have to find hope in changing our relationship to those things. Instead of resisting, fighting and avoiding pain, uncertainty and constant work, we can allow, accept and embrace them. Our work is in changing the way we think and feel about these things when they happen.

And if we can teach our kids to handle these 3 inevitable things while they’re young, they’ll grow up to feel really capable and resilient.

Here are some strategies to try:

Make friends with pain. We need to become less afraid of hard things happening - to us and to our kids. Because when you're working so hard to avoid pain, you miss out on the pain-free moments of life. Be present to enjoy the moments of delight.

Model dealing with pain. When you become okay with pain, your kids will become okay with it too. They will learn how to deal with it. They will learn how to process the pain, which is the essence of resilience. Instead of rejecting, avoiding or denying pain, they’ll be able to allow for it, move through it and know that it's temporary.

Be in the present. This is the key to dealing with uncertainty. Wherever you are, can you see what is okay about this particular moment in time? If you're out for a walk, look around at the colors, the sky, the shapes of the plants. If you're in your car, feel your hands on the steering wheel. If your kids are around you and you're making dinner, smell the smells of the spices you're about to use.

Know that you can handle anything. Yes, the future is uncertain. And you can handle it. Your kids can also handle pain and disappointment. You’re entitled to feel frustrated or disappointed. Then, let your brain soothe itself and start to problem solve. Anchor back into the present and trust that you will all be okay.

Make the work more manageable. Creating routines, teaching your kids expectations and how to listen will all help you, the parent, to not have to do as much work. I also encourage you to say no to things that don’t work for you and let go of people-pleasing. When you know that uncertainty is inevitable, you can lower your standards a little bit, relax and trust that you can handle whatever comes up.

Create less work for yourself. You don’t have to do all the things. Get clear on your priorities. What is truly important to you? Don’t want to give all your weekends to travel sports? You don’t have to. You get to make your life work for you.

Give yourself radical grace. Give yourself so much love and compassion when things feel hard. This looks like saying to yourself, “I'm okay. I'm good enough. I'm gonna mess up, and I'm gonna not always show up perfectly and that's okay. It's okay for me to struggle. It's okay for me to not always 100% know how to handle all this stuff. It's okay for me to be on a learning journey. It's okay for me to grow. ”

If you’re feeling pain and uncertainty as a mom, if it feels like a lot of work, there’s nothing wrong with you. These are all part of parenting.

Even the mom who looks like she has it all together is experiencing these 3 things. We are all struggling and learning and figuring it out as we go.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

What's Your Parenting Style? May 23, 2024

There are 4 primary parenting styles out there, but they aren’t all completely separate from each other. Like so many other things, they exist on a spectrum. You might fall into different parenting styles in different stages or situations.

You’ll Learn:

The 4 main parenting styles, and how to recognize when you are using each one
The benefits of authoritarian parenting
How to shift away from being overly strict, permissive or detached and get to a more connected and healthy space with your child

In this episode, I hope you’ll become more aware of your own parenting style, be a little more understanding of where other parents are coming from and learn to shift your approach closer to where you want it to be.

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It can be easy for us to judge parents with a different style from our own, but you’ll notice as we go through them that, while we may have tendencies that match most with one style, none of us fits into just one of these categories.

What Is Your Parenting Style?

3 of these parenting styles were identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s. The neglectful parenting style was added later on.

There will be moments in your parenting where you fall more into one of these styles than others. There will be moments when you will act controlling, permissive or unengaged. It happens to us all.

These periods of time do not make you a bad parent. Our goal is to be aware of how you’re showing up so that you can bring yourself back to where you want to be (the authoritative style).

Authoritarian parenting is like being a dictator or a drill sergeant. This is what I think of as “traditional” parenting. This parent wants a high level of control over their children. There are rules that you must obey, and if you don’t, there are consequences. It’s very direct and doesn’t really take the child’s feelings and emotions into account. There isn’t space for conversations about what is underneath the behavior.

In this style of parenting, we often see yelling, screaming and spanking, which triggers a fear response in the child. This can change behavior but damage the relationship. Kids raised with this style also tend to have a lot of repressed emotion because they don’t know how to process their feelings. It can show up as hostility, aggression or poor self esteem.

I don’t believe that any of us really want to act this way. We do it because it’s what we saw when we were growing up. And often, there is some kind of worry or fear beneath it. We worry that a behavior will continue or get worse, that our kid won’t change or grow, that they will somehow not be okay.

Indulgent parenting is also known as permissive parenting. It’s really common for parents who don’t want to be in the dictator role to go a little too far in the other direction. In this style, you might have rules, but you don’t really enforce them. Being liked by your kid takes higher priority than being their parent. The truth is, when you follow through on a limit or consequence, your kid is probably going to get upset. That makes it really hard for these parents to enforce consequences.

In this style, your child might be really connected to you, but they aren’t getting the rules and experiences they need in order to grow. Being too permissive can even impact their health and safety when it comes to things like getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, brushing their teeth or wearing shoes so they don’t hurt their feet. And if they aren’t expected to do school work, practice their instrument, stick to a sports team, etc. they might also miss out on opportunities to grow, learn and become who they’re meant to be.

In a child-centered style like this one, kids also often struggle with disappointment, boredom, working with others and not getting their way. They’re missing out on the chance to build emotional resilience and learn to self soothe and self regulate.

Neglectful parenting sounds pretty harsh, but this is where the parent is uninvolved and disengages or detaches from the child. It’s an attitude of, “I don’t care what happens.” This can come up when a parent is overwhelmed and they think that the situation or behavior is too much for them to handle. There is no connection and no limits or consequences.

This can also happen when there are other intense emotional experiences, like deaths, happening in the parent’s life. It can stem from illness, mental health issues or struggles with drugs or alcohol. These parents are rarely uninvolved because they don’t care. They are simply struggling to take care of themselves, and they don’t have the capacity to take care of someone else.

Authoritative parenting is the gold standard. This is what we’re working toward. It combines boundaries and consequences with connection. It’s less about being the authority and more about having the authority with your child and being a leader.

We want our kids to feel really safe with us and to know that we are guiding them. They want to feel like you understand the world and that you’re going to take care of them. For this to work, you have to believe that their thoughts and feelings matter and that your relationship with them. is important. These parents approach limits and consequences thoughtfully and respectfully.

When something isn’t going the way you want, you can take a step back, get clear on where the breakdown is and set boundaries with more confidence. You start to feel like you can handle it. You can help your children learn and grow.

The benefits of this style are huge. Your child has a good relationship with themself because they understand their thoughts and feelings. They have a good relationship with you because you have nurtured that connection and validated their feelings. And they have good relationships with others because you've taught them how to consider the effects that their behavior has on other people. Your kid becomes respectful and responsible, manages their aggression and develops high self esteem and self regulation.

How To Manage Your Parenting Style

The first step to a more authoritative parenting style is to simply notice what style you are using in different situations. If you catch yourself being controlling, mean or detached, just notice it.

Below are some ways to start shifting away from authoritarian, indulgent/permissive or neglectful parenting and toward a more connected authoritarian parenting style.

If you find yourself getting more strict or harsh than you want, focus on connection. Ask yourself, “Why am I acting this way? What am I worried about?” When you figure out what you're worried about, the limits, boundaries and consequences become more clear. You can slow down a little and come at it from a more calm, authoritative place.

If you find yourself being consistently permissive, look at where the gap is for you. Are you tired and overwhelmed? Do you need practice with setting limits? Are you uncomfortable following through on consequences? Find the source of the issue, and you can work on it. You can make a plan to take a break and take care of yourself. And I can help you learn how to set clear limits and follow through on consequences that make sense.

If you’re going through a really tough emotional time or illness, and you’re feeling detached, put your energy toward caring for yourself and getting calm. Allow other people to love you and your kid. This was a big one for me when 3 people very close to me died within 3 years. I let my husband step in and do more of the parenting. And my kids became more resilient for it. Reach out, get some support and get back to where you are okay so that you can care for your child. Start by focusing on connection without as much concern for limits and consequences in the beginning. Heal, connect and the rest will follow.

I invite you to reflect on where you are right now on this spectrum, and use your observations as hints to where you can put your energy to get back to that authoritative style.

If you are in a detached space, I want you to get some support. Reach out to me. Reach out to a therapist or your partner or somebody in your life who can help. Your kids need you. They love you, and they want you to be well.

Mama, be gentle with yourself. Be curious about how you’re showing up without judging yourself. I know that you’re doing the best you can.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Stop Blaming the Mothers May 16, 2024

I’m a little fired up on this one, so get ready! Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve read a few different headlines that have gotten me really mad, because these articles want to blame parents for pretty much every societal problem.

I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. There are much larger issues at play here.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why so many of the issues being blamed on parents are really not your fault
The difference between individual and societal issues when it comes to raising our kids
How to filter which information is helpful or true and when someone is just looking for a scapegoat
Why I believe we’re all going to be just fine

As someone who works with moms (and parents in general), I see how much time and energy you are investing, how hard you are working at parenting your kids. You don’t have to be a scapegoat.

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As a mom, you’re making a lot of decisions about your child’s health and education, making appointments, looking at different schools and figuring out enrichment activities.

You probably internalize that it is your job to have “good” kids, and it’s easy to view your child and their behavior as a result of the work you are putting in.

I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. You can just ignore them and move on.

There are much larger issues at play here than individual parents and families.

The Articles

One of the articles I read on ScaryMommy.com titled A Teacher Says The Problem With Kids Today Is A Parenting Problem shares a statistic that 23% of teachers left their school in 2023.

In the article, a teacher of 24 years is interviewed and says, “We have raised children to think that they are absolutely the most important person in any room. They are so special that whatever they want to do, or whatever they think, or whatever they say is the most important thing in that moment.”

Throughout the interview, she seems to be holding parents responsible for classroom behavior, but she also goes on to say, “Let’s reevaluate our family cultures, our community cultures, and our larger society cultures.”

Another article from the LA Times, Millennials gave birth to ‘Generation Alpha.’ Are these kids already doomed?, says that this next generation (born between roughly 2010-2024) are already widely being called “feral”, “illiterate”, and “doomed”. The article goes on to blame bad parenting by millennials, tech companies or both.

These kinds of headlines are so discouraging to parents who are doing the best they can, often under really challenging circumstances.

There are so many things outside of our control. For example, tech companies and the decisions that they make or curriculum and use of technology in schools.

We also had no control over the pandemic. Of course there is going to be an effect and a delay in social and academic skills when much of society was shut down for 18 months during the early years of these kids’ lives.

Sometimes, no one is truly at fault. It’s just a crappy situation that we’re trying to work through and figure out. And it’s not fair to put that blame on the parents.

Screens in Our Society

The LA Times article also references, “the iPad kid is a child who cannot sit through a restaurant meal or a brief ride on the bus or whatever without mainlining YouTube from a tablet in a plastic case,” and wants to blame parents for overusing technology and screens.

Moms often ask me how much time their kid should have on screens. And while I have so ideas about what I think are healthy rhythms for screens, I can’t make that decision for you. I can’t tell you not to give your kids screen time when you’re busy, overworked and just trying to get dinner on the table.

It comes down to your capacity. Because when you set limits, you have to also be able to follow through on them. You have to be ready to handle the big feelings that come when it’s time to turn off the device or when you say “no” to more screen time.

Maybe you need better screen time limits, and it’s also true that there is a ton of programming designed for children, it’s easy to access, parents are overworked and overstressed and screens are used more and more in the classroom, too.

Ultimately, we cannot take a societal issue and turn it into a personal one, putting the blame on individual parents.

If we want to change the way our kids use screens and interact with social media, we have to start making pledges as a society to wait to give kids access to these things.

We don't let kids drive cars until they're 16. We don't let kids drink alcohol till they're 21. We have decided, as a society, that certain things are okay for grown ups and not okay for kids. We have figured out some of these problems in the past.

Screens are something we’re still figuring out, and some of these choices need to be made at a community or societal level in order to work.

Stop Blaming the Mothers

The issues that we see with kids in school, public settings, etc. are, in my opinion, not really about parenting. They’re more about our society and the situations that we are experiencing as a culture.

It’s possible that some of these issues come from permissive parenting or an overindulgence in emotional coaching without limits and consequences.

But I think most of it has to do with the almost existential stress and burnout culture we have in our society. We're saying that the kids aren't okay; the kids are a mess. Well, adults and parents are also a mess.

We're living in a society that's very overwhelming and puts a lot of pressure on parents to make money and have a nice house and have well-behaved kids and give them all the opportunities so that they can get ahead. We’re worrying about our kids getting into good colleges before they even start preschool.

And this type of parenting we’re doing - emotional coaching our kids while allowing for big feelings and still holding them accountable for their behavior - is challenging.

We’re in an experimental stage of figuring out how to raise emotionally healthy, responsible kids without fear and shame. It requires a lot more bandwidth than more traditional parenting models. It requires you to be calm, which is hard when you’re overwhelmed and stressed.

In the end, being told it’s your fault is not helpful.

When you see articles like this and headlines that blame parents, check in with yourself. Ask, “Is this valid? Is this an actual parenting issue? Or is this more of a societal issue that someone is trying to find a scapegoat for?” You do not have to be society's scapegoat.

I want to leave you with this: People have been saying this stuff about kids for generations. Every generation is worried about the generation that's coming up, and somehow every generation figures it out, finds their way and becomes responsible.

Every generation has something to offer and every generation struggles with something. It's not parents' faults. It's the way that society works and moves forward. We can trust the big picture that it will work out.

Do your best, Mama. That’s all any of us can do. Give yourself lots of compassion and grace and love as you work toward your parenting goals.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Your Best Mother's Day Plan May 09, 2024

Mother’s Day is coming. And if you've had a few Mother's Days that end with you getting into bed feeling totally wiped out and resentful, this podcast episode is for you. I’m talking all about how to create your best Mother’s Day plan for a day you actually enjoy!

You’ll Learn:

Why Mother’s Day can be so hard
Steps for creating your best Mother’s Day plan
How to process the “Mother’s Day Hangover” of disappointment, resentment or sadness on Monday morning

This Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.

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Mother's Day has a way of ending up the OPPOSITE of ideal for most moms.

A lot of times, moms spend Mother's Day cleaning up the kitchen after a messy breakfast in bed, followed by a lunch that's focused on their mother or mother-in-law, and then capped off by a rushed take-out dinner with all the regular bedtime routine shenanigans.

Taking Back Mother’s Day

I’m just going to say it - Mother’s Day is FOR moms!

Usually, two things keep moms from creating their ideal day: guilt and not asking for what they want.

I want you to know that it is okay to not want to spend every minute of Mother's Day with your kids. Getting breaks from your kids is actually super important, so if you want a few kid-free hours on Mother's Day, it’s okay.

You might also feel guilty about balancing how to honor your mom, mother-in-law, etc. with getting what you want from the day, too. It can be a lot of people to please, especially if you live in the same town. People-pleasing is not what Mother’s Day is about, and you might not be able to satisfy everybody. Think about what you want from the day and take it from there.

I want Mother’s Day to be amazing for you, so I’m going to help you work through these common obstacles and make a plan and design a Mother’s Day that actually feels good to you. One where you get what you truly want from the day.

Make Your Best Mother’s Day Plan

It is your job to figure out what you want and then ask for it. Here’s how…

Step 1: Decide what you want

What does your ideal Mother’s Day look like? Take a few minutes to really think about this or journal on it. What do you really want? How do you want to spend your Mother’s Day?

Is it a break from kids? Time with your friends? Alone time? A visit with your own mom? A special family activity?

Do you want to sleep in? Shop? Go out to lunch? Spend time outdoors?

Step 2: Communicate your plan

If it's going to be a day where we honor and celebrate our experience as mothers and let the people around us honor and appreciate us, then we need to figure out a way to communicate what we want.

Talk to your partner (if you have one) about your vision for the day. Ask them if they think that plan will work. Are they willing to try something new if that’s what you want?

If there are other mothers involved, reach out to them and see what they have in mind for the day. If you’re hoping for a more relaxed day, ask if you can have a shorter visit or if they’re open to celebrating together on Saturday or a different weekend. If they aren’t willing to change their plans or expectations, can you take your ideal day a week later?

Having these conversations in advance is really, really helpful because it helps you get on the same page and make a real plan.

The Mother’s Day Hangover

If Mother’s Day can be hard, the day after can be even harder. Even if you manage to have a wonderful Mother’s Day, you’ll probably still have what I call the Mother’s Day Hangover.

On Monday morning, when you walk into the kitchen and start packing lunches, getting kids up and off to school and doing your other regular parenting and work tasks, you might feel a little disappointed that life is back to normal. Your special day is over.

Or you might feel resentful that you didn’t get the Mother’s Day you wanted. Maybe your partner wasn’t supportive or your family left a big mess in the kitchen waiting for you.

This is the time to reset. Acknowledge and recognize those feelings. Sit down with a journal and write them out. Be honest about what happened and how you’re feeling. Let it pass through you. Take care of yourself and give yourself some compassion.

I also know that some of us are sitting with feelings of grief and loss on Mother’s Day (myself included). If this is you, give yourself a little tenderness and consider this when designing your day.

This Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.

And I’m wishing you YOUR most ideal Mother’s Day yet.

Previous Episodes Mentioned:

Episode 9: Pause and Reset Your Emotions

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Being On the Same Page (Part 2) May 02, 2024

Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page as your coparent with limits and consequences.

You’ll Learn:

Why learning to regulate your emotions is like learning to read and write
3 coparenting scenarios and how to navigate them
What to do when you’re not on board with your coparent’s limits & consequences
The good news about your relationship with your kid

Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.

But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?

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In last week’s episode, we talked about what it means to be on the same page as your coparent, particularly when it comes to self-regulation and connection with your kids. Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page with limits and consequences.

But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?

3 Types of Coparenting

You and your coparent will fall into one of three scenarios. Based on your situation, there are different conversations, approaches and tools you can use to guide your parenting.

Scenario #1: Two people who live together and have a mutual commitment to calm and conscious parenting

Once you’ve determined that you’re on the same page with your parenting values, goals and approach, you also have to figure out how you’ll stay on the same page.

Getting on the same page. The first step here is talking about your values as parents, which you can learn more about in last week’s episode. Next, talk about what happens if you notice that your kids are off track, especially if you find yourself arguing about the behavior.

When you notice off track behavior, have a connection conversation about the pattern that you’ve seen. It’s really important that neither of you are judging or getting defensive in this conversation. Lean into curiosity - What do you think is going on? Why do you think they’re acting this way? What’s happening underneath? What do they need?

You might realize that this is more of an emotional issue. Maybe your child needs some more skills around managing their feelings or there is an emotional need that isn’t being met. A lot of times if you meet the emotional need of a behavior, you can kind of the behavior lessens. You might also find that you need to set a limit around the behavior.

Staying on the same page. What will you do when your coparent gets off track? I recommend that, as long as the coparent isn't being explosive or hurtful, you let it play out. Be a compassionate witness, notice what’s going on with your coparent and with your kid and get curious about why.

Then, later on when everyone is calm, talk to your coparent about what happened. Again, you aren’t bringing it up to criticize or blame. The goal is to evaluate, problem solve and troubleshoot. Go through the steps of the Calm Mama Process (Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct) and pinpoint where the issue was and how you can solve for it.

These conversations are what help you do the fine-tuning to move you closer to your parenting goal of raising emotionally healthy, personally responsible kids.

Scenario #2: Two people who live together and have different parenting approaches

Your coparent may not be on board. In this case, it’s important to remember that each person is in an individual relationship with another person. Your relationship with your kid might be very different from the relationship they have with their other parent.

Ultimately, we all want to have a good relationship with our kids. We want our kids to grow up and like us. Strict, firm, authoritarian parenting (the way most of us were raised) tends to lead to emotional disconnection. The child grows up feeling like their parent cares more about what they do than who they are.

Start by asking your coparent, “What do you want your future relationship with our kid to look like?” It’s a good way to get them thinking and open up conversation about connection.

It’s also possible that you won’t come to an agreement on this. And that’s on them. They get to make a choice about how they interact and the relationship they’re creating.

If you’re not on the same page with the parenting approach, and you’re each doing your own thing, then you each have to take responsibility for the way you want to parent, and follow through on it.

It doesn’t mean that your kid is messed up forever. You can still emotionally coach them, set limits, follow through on consequences and teach them how to be in a connection relationship with you.

Scenario #3: Two or more people who don’t live together but have kids in common

In this scenario, you may or may not be on the same page with parenting values and approach. And when it comes down to it, you don’t have control over what’s happening when your kid is at their other parent’s house. It might be really hard, but it’s okay.

You get to choose the way you interact and your relationship with your kid, and so do they. It only takes one person to teach them the skills for emotional health.

Being On the Same Page with Limits & Consequences

A common situation I see come up is when one parent is being harsh or punitive with consequences and expecting the other parent to follow through on them.

For example, your coparent says, “If you don’t listen to Mommy, you can’t watch TV all week,” but you’re the one who’s home in the afternoon and has the kids watch TV so you can cook dinner.

You don’t want there to be no follow-through at all, because the kids will see that there is no consequence to the behavior, and you don’t want to have to change your plans or rhythm for something your coparent said.

This can be hard, but you need to communicate clearly with your coparent that if they set a limit and consequence that the follow-through is on them.

It’s okay for you to let your coparent know that you’re not on board. It might sound like, “It is okay for you to set up consequences in this family that you can follow through on. It's not okay for you to set consequences that I then have to follow through on. That doesn't work for me. I don't agree with this consequence. I don't agree with how you handled it, and I'm not going to follow-up on it. You need to find a consequence that you can enforce when you're around.”

When you’re on different pages, make a plan privately of how you’re going to work through it. You still want to present an aligned approach to the kids. No pitting one parent against the other.

Whatever parenting scenario you fall into, I want to normalize for you that not every moment with your coparent will feel good. They’ll get off track sometimes, and so will you.

You don’t have to have a million conversations, but make it intentional when you do. When something doesn’t feel right, sit with it, think about it and bring it up in a really focused, specific way.

Ultimately, we all have agency in how we parent our kids. Each parent gets to choose how they behave with their kid. Each parent can set boundaries and limits the way they want to, but the follow-through is also on them. Each parent has to take responsibility for how they parent and the relationship they create with their child.

You can commit to emotionally coaching your kid, giving them tools to manage their emotions in healthy ways, setting boundaries and following through without shame. Your coparent does not need to make the same commitments for it to work.

When you keep your commitments, your kid benefits. You’re moving forward, even if your coparent isn’t on the same page. So trust yourself, trust your kid, and keep going.

Previous Episodes:

Episode 102: 5 Emotional Needs of Kids
Episode 118: Being On the Same Page

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Being On the Same Page Apr 25, 2024

I’m often asked, “How do you handle it when your husband or your coparent isn't on board?” or, “How do you handle it when you're divorced and you don't know what's going on with the other parent?”

In this first episode of a two-part series, I’ll start answering these questions and share some essential conversations to have with your coparent.

You’ll Learn:

Why I know your kid is going to be okay.
How to determine if you and your coparent are on the same page (and where to start if you’re not).
Essential conversations for before, during and after explosive incidents - with scripts!
Using the “hard no” with other adults.

The parenting you're doing is not in vain if your co parent isn't on board. Your child's other parent isn't unraveling all of your hard work. What you are doing is not pointless. You can give your child everything they need to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.

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The Real Question

The real question at the root of these concerns is, “Is my kid going to be okay if my coparent doesn’t practice compassionate parenting?”

There is fear of what will happen in the future if your coparent is harsh, too permissive or just on a different page when it comes to parenting your kid.

But what does it really mean to be okay? The way I think about this in my programs is that we are setting our kids up for success by teaching emotional literacy - knowing what they’re feeling, how to talk about it and what to do with it.

This is the key to raising kids that are confident, self-aware and love themselves.

No matter what happens in your child's life, there's going to be pain and struggle. Things won’t always go their way.

In the long-term, when they know how to process that pain, they can handle anything. You’re giving your kid the resilience that they need for the future.

Being On the Same Page

For our purposes, being on the same page means two things:

You and your coparent agree on the same parenting philosophy. In this case, that means agreeing that compassion and helping your child process negative emotion are important to you.
You share the same approach to the philosophy. You’re using the same strategies and tools.

For example, compassionate parenting is a philosophy. The Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct is the approach.

A beautiful place to start is by asking your coparent (whether you live with them or not) what they value when it comes to parenting.

You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I'm learning a lot, and I want to make sure that you're on the same page with me. I believe that feelings matter and that it's important for our kids to have a safe place to express those feelings and learn how to deal with them. Do agree?”

When You Aren’t On the Same Page

I know that you want to have a good relationship with your child, and you want them to have a good relationship with themselves and with the world. You get to decide how you show up. You can put in the work to make sure your relationship is connected and loving.

Your coparent also has a relationship with your kid, and it’s their job to decide how they want that relationship to play out and take action to create the relationship they want.

It is not your responsibility to preserve your child’s relationship with their other parent. Ultimately, your responsibility is only to the emotional health of your child.

If you’re struggling with your coparent, look at where the disagreement is. Is it about the philosophy or the approach?

Maybe you agree on the philosophy, but your coparent struggles to manage their stress and calm themselves. Or they’re avoiding following through on consequences. When you understand where the disconnect is, it is easier to problem solve.

Dealing With an Explosive Parent

If your coparent is dysregulated and not calm, it might look like being explosive, needlessly critical, aggressive, insulting or using shame for discipline. They might shut down or walk away in steely silence.

This parent is probably overwhelmed and stressed. They’re in their own ego or fear. Maybe they’re scared that their kid is getting away with something or being disrespectful.

I want you to recognize that this parent is dysregulated. It's not that they're a jerk or they don't care. And you won’t be able to support them if you’re coming from a place of judgment and criticism. Compassion for your coparent will help your whole family.

Your responsibility is not to try to change your coparent and their behavior. It is to emotionally coach your kid and help them process what’s going on. There are a few different ways you can do this.

Preventative Conversation. This conversation happens outside of an emotional moment. You’re discussing the pattern that you’ve been seeing and telling your coparent in advance how you will intervene if you see it in the future.

You might say something like, “Hey, I want to talk about this explosive behavior that you do. I understand you get overwhelmed, you get frustrated with the kids, you get angry with them. That makes perfect sense. I do it too. But my goal for this family is that everybody stays safe, and that includes emotionally safe. Dumping your big feelings or blaming the kids or being explosive with them doesn't work. So when I see you acting this way, I'm gonna intervene and ask you to take a break.”

If you have a good relationship with your coparent, you can even come up with a plan for letting each other know when you’re overwhelmed and need to tap out for a minute.

Intervention Conversation. These conversations happen when you are in the middle of an explosive incident. The goal with these interventions is harm reduction.

Option #1: Intervene with your coparent. If they are having an explosive incident, like yelling, shaming, threatening, being physically aggressive, name calling, swearing, insulting your child, etc. I want you to confidently say, “Everyone stays safe here. Your behavior is not working. Please take a break.”

Option #2: Intervene with the child(ren). If asking the other person to take a break will escalate the situation (or if they’re just not able to reset at that moment), you can move your child away. Say, “Daddy/Mommy/whoever is very upset right now. We're gonna let them have a break,” and move the kids into a different room.

Resolution Conversation. Often, the reason events become traumatic is because the person experiencing it doesn’t ever process it with someone else. They personalize it and mull it over. There is no real resolution.

In a resolution conversation, we separate the coparent’s actions from the child. We help the child understand that these behaviors that their parent did are about the parent, not the kid.

Maybe your child acted poorly or made a mistake, but the parent’s reaction was about their feelings and not knowing how to handle them.

Start by narrating what happened. Then, pick one emotion they might have been feeling. Say, “I wonder if you were feeling a little scared?” and give them time to respond. This gives them a place to dump some of those thoughts and feelings so that they don’t internalize it.

If they don’t want to talk much, that’s okay. The goal is really to talk about this incident as a circumstance that they experienced and not let it get mixed up into “I’m a bad kid” type of thinking.

Good News

Your child only needs one person in their life to help them learn emotional literacy and grow up to be emotionally healthy.

When you’re coparenting alongside someone who is explosive, overly permissive, harsh or emotionally disconnected, it can be easy to look at how they’re acting and think, “they’re gonna mess up my kid.”

But this thought only creates fear of the future and resentment toward your coparent. Instead, remember that they only need one person to help them understand their inner world.

The parenting you're doing is not in vain because your co parent isn't on board. Your child's other parent isn't unraveling all of your hard work. What you are doing is not pointless.

You are the only person that your child needs in order to become the human that they are meant to be. You are enough. What you're doing is enough. Keep at it. Your kid is going to be okay.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Coparenting With an Abusive Ex Apr 18, 2024

We all know that parenting is enough of a challenge on its own, but what about when you’re coparenting with an abusive ex, someone who may be acting more for themselves than the best interest of your kid?

My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. We’re talking all about:

The goodness and peace that are on the other side of the pain and struggle.
What to look out for when it comes to coercive control, loyalty conflict and reacting to your ex.
Ways to support your kid and help them navigate difficult situations.
How to get the support you need to care for yourself and your child.

If coparenting with an ex has been a struggle for you, or if you are making a decision to leave a relationship, this real-talk conversation will give you the information you need to make the best choices for you and your child and support them through it all.

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My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. She works alongside her co-founder and romantic partner, Chris, to help people who are dealing with high-conflict separation and divorce, custody battles, and coparenting hell so that they can have the best outcome in family court and beyond.

Lisa’s Story

Of course, there is much more to Lisa’s story than what we could cover in this conversation, but there are some elements she experienced that she has seen to be pretty common with her clients, as well.

When Lisa was making the decision to leave her previous marriage of 18 years, her now-ex-husband made her feel like if she left, then she would be responsible for breaking up their family, which included two kids. She would be to blame for destroying their kids’ lives.

So she did everything she could to stay and keep the family together. Ultimately, she realized that one person can’t make both people better. They wanted two different things, and it just wasn’t working.

Like so many others, Lisa knew she had to leave her marriage for herself. She didn’t know what would happen with the kids. She would figure that out later. But for her to survive, she had to go.

She describes the feeling of carrying a ball of pain inside of her trying to keep it all together. And when she admitted that it wasn’t working, and her ex left, there was such a sense of relief. A weight had been lifted.

She didn’t know what would happen next, but she knew she couldn’t try to control it, and letting go was so freeing. Now, she’s on the other side, has found the love of her life and created her business to help others through those same kinds of struggles.

Coparenting With an Abusive Ex

Lisa’s clients are often dealing with ex-spouses who are not handling things with maturity and who are trying to take back control. There are a lot of hurt feelings and, often, a history of abuse.

In many of these cases, Lisa sees instances of coercive control, which means that some freedom has been taken away from one person in the relationship. It might look like financial abuse, where one person doesn’t have any control over the family’s money. It can also show up as social isolation or other types of verbal, psychological or sexual abuse.

Although they’re now in different living spaces, the parenting relationship is not over. Lisa says that the three main areas where conflict and abuse come up after a divorce are money, kids and court.

Legal abuse related to money and court conflicts go hand-in-hand. It’s all about winning and losing. The abusive partner wants to take everything - kids, money, time and control. Conflict around the kids lasts the longest and is the most painful.

In these situations, the child is often put into something called loyalty conflict, usually by the abusive parent. Kids are expected to choose sides and be loyal to one parent over the other. They’re then rewarded for rejecting the parent who's often the target of the abuse, often the safe, healthy, protective parent. The child may also be punished for showing affection or love to that parent.

This often starts even before the relationship ends. One parent might try to undermine the other or grill the child on everything that happened while they were at the other parent’s house. One of the most common things that they do is send poisonous messages about the other parent to the child, wanting them to believe that that other parent is unsafe, unloving or unavailable (even though the opposite is usually true).

This feels so scary and dangerous, because sometimes your kid will absorb these messages. They’ll be angry and confused and lash out at you. You feel triggered the same way you are by your ex, because you see that same behavior coming through your child.

We talk about this behavior as “poisoning the well”. As the parent, your challenge is to take the perspective that, no matter what, your well cannot be poisoned. You built it right. You are replenishing that well with clear, clean water, because you have nurtured a strong, connected relationship with your child. You’ll continue to tell them how much you love them and how safe they are with you, and that is enough.

Taking Care of Yourself

When someone leaves an abusive situation, there is often a realization of, “Wow. I can start making decisions for myself.” Sometimes, they don’t even realize it’s been so long since they had that ability.

In this next stage, you’re working to find your center and your voice again.

Learn to self-regulate. As a parent, you have to be able to separate your fear and pain so that you can be a loving, compassionate presence. When you are calm, you can help your child process their own emotions.

It’s the same principle that makes Calm the first step in the Calm Mama Process. You cannot help your kids when you’re in pain. You have to heal and calm yourself before you can fully show up for your kid.

Get support. Lisa’s son is an adult now, but when asked what helped him get through his parents’ divorce, he says, “my mom kept it together.” She had a wonderful support system including her attorney, her father, good friends and an Al Anon group.

Focus on how you can set yourself up for success in this transition. Make a plan for how you will get the support you need to make the choice to leave, navigate the legal system and take excellent care of you and your kid. Open up to family or close friends that you trust, find a local group or work with a therapist or coach to get the support you need.

Be careful with your responses. Sometimes, when kids come home from the other parent’s house, they’re angry or they say things that trigger you. It’s human nature to want to defend ourselves and set the record straight, but Lisa says that’s actually a big mistake.

An abusive ex might say something to your kid, knowing that they’ll repeat it to you. They’re almost baiting you to get a reaction that they can use against you.

Plus, by trying to argue what they were told or correct the record, you’re basically doing the same behavior as the abusive person. You’re telling your child what to think. Give them space to figure it out on their own. Actions speak louder than words.

Taking Care of Your Kids

Lisa says one of the biggest questions that comes up with her clients is - How are my kids going to be okay?

In a divorce, the kids are often the ones whose lives change the most.

When you have experienced an abusive relationship, it’s easy to think, “My kids are screwed.” You might feel worried about the patterns repeating themselves.

We’re here to tell you that being a neutral, loving soundboard for your kid, emotionally coaching them, and healing on your own will heal your child.

Lisa has seen kids come out of these situations with extraordinary social and emotional intelligence. They learn at a younger age how to establish boundaries and develop resilience when dealing with difficult people in the world.

Here are some ways to support your child.

Allow your child to have their own experience. You may be experiencing a lot of pain, guilt or fear because of what’s going on in the relationship. But, often, our kids just want to live their lives. They might not be feeling everything that you are. They want to be with their friends, do their sports and activities, just be kids. And it’s good for them to do that.

Teach critical thinking skills. This is an important part of parenting, especially in these situations, because when kids can think for themselves, they don’t just have to take in what one person says and accept it as truth. They can ask questions like, “Who is saying this?” “Why are they saying it?” “Could it be true?” “Is there another way to look at this?”

You can practice these skills with your child outside of emotional moments, like when you’re reading a book together or watching a movie. Ask them what they thought of a situation in the story and talk about it. How would they have dealt with that situation? This way, you’re showing respect for their opinion and encouraging them to exercise the critical thinking muscle.

Be intentional with conversation. Especially when raising teens, make time for curiosity and casual conversations. We spend so much time talking about homework and cleaning their room and taking out the trash, not to mention any conversations about the other parent, that there isn’t time and bandwidth left for actually relating and connecting with each other. Create space for your relationship with your child to blossom.

Help your kid build self-awareness and identity. Use the Connection Tool to help them check in with how they’re feeling. Help them build and trust their own inner voice and guidance. Let them know that they get to choose how they want to think and feel about the people and situations in their lives. Support them in doing their own thinking and feeling. Give them space to figure it out.

If you are reading this and know that you are in a toxic relationship. If you’re terrified of leaving because you’re worried about your kid. I want you to know that you can figure it out. It’s going to be okay.

There is support out there for you to navigate this process. Reach out to Lisa or someone else that you trust. You are not alone.

In the long-term, love, generosity and compassion will win when it comes to your child. Healing and caring for yourself will heal them and teach them the emotional literacy skills that are so important.

Connect with Lisa:

For ALL the information about Been There Got Out (including the weekly Legal Abuse Support Group), visit Lisa and Chris’s website at https://beentheregotout.com/
Follow along on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and X
Listen to Been There Got Out on Apple Podcasts (or wherever you do podcasts)
Get the book: Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High Conflict Divorce, And How To Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances by Lisa Johnson and Chris Barry

Previous Episodes Mentioned:

Episode 40: Codependency in Parenting
Episode 84: Better Conversations With Teens & Tweens

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Parenting The Kid In Front Of You Apr 11, 2024

I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become.

Today, I’ll explain three thoughts that you’ve probably experienced when you don’t like your kid’s behavior or parts of their personality, why judgments about your kid aren’t helpful and what to do instead.

You’ll Learn:

The parenting advice I give the most
Why behavior is really just information - and what to do with it
How raising a kid is like baking a special kind of cake
The long term benefits of unconditional acceptance.

It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid.

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I just got home from a trip to Paris with my newly-turned-18-year-old son. I got to spend a lot of time with him, getting to see and know who he is right now. We had an amazing trip, and there were also times where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, sad or disappointed about his views or attitude toward certain things.

I’m continuing to work through some of those feelings even after we’ve returned home, and I hope my experience will help you parent the kid in front of you, too.

Why Parenting The Kid In Front of You Is Important

When we’re in a relationship with someone and we make their behavior mean something negative, then it is going to sour the relationship and the way that we interact with them.

When you perceive your kid in a certain way, thoughts and feelings come up, and these drive your actions. It's really important to work on how you think and feel about your kid and not put that negative attitude or judgment on their behavior.

This can be really hard because as a parent, it is your responsibility to help your kid learn how to be in relationship with themselves and others. You’re trying to teach values like politeness, generosity and kindness.

But sometimes, you see your kid behave in ways that are opposite to those values. What often happens is that you get so caught up in the behavior and what it means that it prevents you from actually parenting and teaching them the skills they need in order to become who they’re meant to be.

Your child is on a journey of development. In order to help them grow, you have to accept how they are right now, from a neutral place, and see it either as a part of their personality that hasn’t fully developed or a skill that they haven’t yet learned.

3 Negative Mindsets to Avoid

When your kid behaves in a way you don't like, it's easy to make their behavior mean something negative - either about you as a parent, them as a person, or their future.

All of these negative stories impact how you show up as a parent; and have a negative impact on your child.

These are the three negative mindsets I see causing the most long-term harm.

#1: Making your child’s behavior mean something about you. If you look at your child’s behavior and think, “I’m a bad parent,” it makes it feel really personal. It puts you into your own story and takes you out of what’s going on with your kid.

You might find yourself overparenting, being overly strict, harsh or mean. Often, this is where I see parents skip past calm and connection and go straight to correction and consequences.

Behavior is a coping strategy, and the behavior you’re seeing is just information, data about where your child needs support, tools and skills.

Instead of thinking, “How does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect on me?”, try asking, “How is this behavior going to affect my child? What skill is missing here? What do they need to learn?”

When you see that they’re acting the way they are because they’ve overwhelmed and don’t know how to cope, you can show up with compassion and help them problem-solve.

#2: Making their behavior mean something about the future. This is where you find yourself jumping to the worst-case scenario. You assume that this negative behavior will play out long into the future and become a part of their identity. One example is that your kid lies to you, so you think, “they are going to become a liar.”

Instead of giving them this negative self-concept, acknowledge that this is where they are right now, and they have so much time to learn and grow.

Think back to when you were in middle school or high school. I’m guessing there were times when you (like me) said or did “bad” or inappropriate things that you didn’t necessarily know were wrong. You needed to be taught. Think about how much you’ve changed since that time.

We all go through different versions of ourselves, and we learn through mistakes. But our core self is true and lovable and worthy and wonderful.

Your child’s core is unconditionally worthy of love and acceptance. And some of their behaviors might need work. Your job as a parent is to help your kid learn so that they can grow into the person they’re meant to be.

#3: Making their behavior mean that something is wrong with them. You think they’re rotten to the core or disturbed somehow. That they aren’t “good”. We need to separate their actions from their core self. It’s the idea of, “I caused a problem, but I am not a problem.”

We cannot grow when we’re feeling judged, unworthy or bad. But when kids feel safe in their relationship with you, when you love who they are at their core, they can grow in the world.

You can speak into your child's life what you want them to believe about themselves. For example, instead of saying, “You’re rude,” you can say, “You're being rude. Are you okay? What do you need right now? Do you need to take a break? Are you overwhelmed? Because I know you're not actually a rude, mean person.”

Our kids (girls especially) need to be told that they are worthy, lovable and good exactly as they are. Even when they act badly, they are not bad.

If you’re reading these and realizing that you’ve done all three, I want you to know that I have, too. We all have. When your kid misbehaves, it’s normal for your first instinct to be to catastrophize the future or to make it mean something bad about you as a parent or to think, “My kid is just an asshole.”

The challenge is to catch yourself when you slip into one of these traps. When you can become more aware of the thoughts, you can start to shift them into something more helpful. It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid.

Recognize your child’s lovable, essential, worthy, perfect core self. Parent the behavior of the kid in front of you, and let the rest of the worry go.

Additional Resources:

Episode 37: 5 Things I Say The Most
Episode 101: Parenting 101 - The Basics
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When Kids Lie Apr 04, 2024

When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw).

In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.

You’ll Learn:

Common lies kids tell and what might be behind them
Why getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpful
How to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior
What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to cope

You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on!

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Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.

We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways.

Why Kids Lie

When you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.

Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true.

The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.

To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument.

To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.

They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid.

To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time.

To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention.

To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t trust that you won’t tell someone else about it.

Little kids, in particular, lie a lot. Especially under age 6, they want you to believe they’re good. They’ve found this strategy to avoid discomfort, so they go all in on it.

If they see that you can handle their behavior and believe they’re a good kid, they’ll grow out of it. Connect with them, set a limit, give a correction and move on.

What To Do When Kids Lie

When our kids lie to us, we tend to have a lot of negative thoughts about them. We get really angry, so we're not neutral or curious about their behavior. That’s why, as always, getting calm is the first step.

Get curious about their reason for lying. This is really helpful, because then you can tap into compassion and soothe that underlying fear that they have. Your response might change based on the need they are trying to get met with the lie.

Don't corner your child. This is more challenging than it sounds because we feel strongly that we want our kids to confess. Especially as they get into the teenage years, it can feel like the decisions and behavior that they're lying about are dangerous. We get really worried, and we want them to tell us the truth so that we can problem solve with them.

We might try to trap or trick them into telling us the truth, but this really isn’t helpful.

Think about it from your kid’s perspective. If they admit to the lie, they're busted for two things. They're busted for the problem behavior, and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the lie. There’s no benefit to them to confess.

Assume that they’re struggling, and that the lying is part of their coping. Don’t make it mean something terrible about them or about your relationship.

Deal with the behavior, not the lying. When we get caught up in the lie and mad at our kid because they’re lying, we make it more difficult for them to feel safe with us.

Telling the truth isn't a necessary part of the solution. When you have the information, you don't need to wait until your child confesses. You can just explain that this is what you believe to be true, and this is how we're moving forward. This is the consequence.

Another way you can approach this is by using preview. Say, “I'm gonna ask you a question, and you might not want to tell me the truth. You might want to lie to me. But whatever you did, I know it's not who you are. I love you, and it's totally okay to make mistakes. I just wanna help you improve your behavior. Do you think you can be honest with me?”

If they tell the truth, great. If not, you can let them know the information you have that you believe to be true and what’s going to happen next.

Be in your leadership energy. State the issue and what you believe to be true. Communicate what’s going to happen next (limit, consequence, etc.) and move on. Let them know you can handle their behavior, and that you’re not going anywhere.

Give your child language to describe the outlandish stories they’re telling. Ask them, “Is this a tall tale or a true story? Is this something you wish happened or is this something that actually happened?”

Stories are fun and imagination is great, but we do want to help our kids understand the difference and give them the opportunity to tell us the truth.

Give reassurance. A lecture about why lying is disrespectful and they need to tell the truth doesn’t help. It actually makes it worse because you’re piling on the shame. It increases, rather than decreases, their insecurity (which is why they’re lying in the first place).

Say something like, “You know what, sweetie? Situations like this happen all the time. You're still learning. You're still growing. I love you, and I'm not worried about you. It's okay to make mistakes. You’re going to fix this mistake and we’re going to move on.”

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Handling “I Hate You” Mar 28, 2024

Hearing your kid say, “I hate you” can be one of the hardest things to hear as a parent. Today, I’m giving you tangible, easy to apply strategies for handling “I hate you,” including ways to feel less upset by it and change the pattern.

In this episode:

Why kids say, “I hate you,” even though they don’t really mean it
How to protect your feelings
Why saying, “I hate you” hurts your child, too
How to change this pattern of behavior

Your child doesn’t actually hate you. They just don’t have the skill or language to describe their feelings in a healthier way (yet). Listen to learn how to give your kid better strategies for dealing with their big feelings and coach them toward emotional literacy.

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What Are They Actually Saying?

When your kid tells you they hate you, it’s easy to jump to thoughts about how disrespectful, embarrassing and hurtful they are being.

For the most part, kids don’t hate their parents. So, when they say, “I hate you,” what they’re usually trying to say is, “I hate this,” or “I hate this rule,” or “I hate this situation.”

Your child is communicating their frustration, disappointment, anger or hurt about the circumstance they are in. The strategy they’re using is to blame you because, in their mind, you are what is blocking them from getting the thing they want.

Handling “I Hate You”

Of course, saying, “I hate you,” when they are disappointed is not how we want our kids to cope with negative emotion, so we will work to change the pattern. But we’re not trying to change the pattern because it’s disrespectful and rude.

We want to change it because it hurts our child to communicate their emotion this way. It is not a healthy way to cope. What we may not always see is that after the “I hate you,” they also have to deal with guilt and confusion over saying that to someone that they really love.

Our goal is to give them better tools to deal with discomfort and disappointment.

Step 1: Get neutral (CALM)

Start by reframing the statement. Remember that they are using that sentence to cope with discomfort or pain - a feeling that they don’t know how to deal with. Letting yourself know that it really isn’t about you will help you feel calm.

Next, find the pattern that you want to change. Is there something that seems to trigger the “I hate you”? Maybe it has something to do with screen time rules or when you tell them they can’t have a treat.

Step 2: Talk to your kid about the words (CONNECT)

Your child might not have the words for what they’re feeling or why they are upset.

Have a connection conversation with them outside of the “I hate you” moment. Share the pattern that you’ve noticed, and help them name the anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, hurt, or whatever they might be feeling.

Here’s an example:

Hey, honey, I've noticed a pattern that when you get really mad about something, you say, “I hate you.” And saying, “I hate you” makes a lot of sense because you are really angry and you want to tell me that. Listen, I know you don't actually hate me because we love each other so much. I think you’re trying to say, “I hate this. I don’t like your rules. I don’t like when you say no to me.”

Give them some time to talk here, to complain a little about their life. Create space for their thoughts and feelings to come up. Just listen. Don’t try to defend yourself or convince them of anything. If there is something you do in that situation that is really causing a problem for them, take responsibility and apologize.

Step 3: Problem solving (LIMIT SET)

This is where we teach a new strategy. Set a limit with the goal of raising a kid who is able to communicate their real feelings with their parent (and others in their life). This is a kid who doesn’t have to show up in ways that don’t work and then feel bad about it and carry that guilt and shame.

We want our kids to be able to talk about the situation and separate the situation from the person. We’re giving the message that it’s okay to be mad about a rule or a situation, but it’s not okay to make it personal and tell someone you hate them.

Ask your child what they can say instead when they want to say, “I hate you.” Preview the situation and get their brain to think and problem solve in advance. They probably won’t always remember to use this new strategy, but you can practice and remind them of the plan.

Example:

I am not going to let you say, “I hate you” anymore because I know you don't hate me. I know you feel bad about it. I want you to be able to say, “I don't like the situation,” or “I hate this thing.” When you say, “I hate you,” I’m going to tell you to try again.

Step 4: Delay the conversation (CORRECT)

A big part of the parenting process is letting our kids make mistakes. They’re not always going to get this right and be able to self-correct in the moment.

When things get heated, delay the conversation and consequences. Give some time to let the emotion fizzle out. They’re already caught up in their negative emotions, and they don’t know what to do with those feelings. Threats will only create more negative emotion in both of you.

When things have calmed down, come back and talk about it. Remind them what happened, and let them know that it hurt your heart. Together, come up with something kind that they can do to make it up to you or something you can do together that you both enjoy.

They probably feel pretty yucky after saying that to you, and giving them a way to fix it feels better. You’re giving your kid an opportunity to repair so that they can make things right and so that they learn that their behavior has a consequence.

Example:

Remember earlier today, you said you hate me? Remember I had said I want you to say, “I hate this” instead? Listen, honey. I know you don't hate me, but when you say, “I hate you” to me, it does hurt my heart. And I know it hurts your heart too, because I know you love me. So why don't you do something that repairs the hurt that you caused? Would you be willing to do something kind for me to make that right? I'd love to do something together with you so that we can show how much we love each other.

Your child doesn’t actually hate you. They just don’t have the skill or language to describe their feelings in a healthier way (yet). As parents, we can give our kids better strategies for dealing with their big feelings and coach them toward emotional literacy.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Get Out of Mom Guilt Mar 21, 2024

I want you to feel really great as a parent. I want you to get out of mom guilt and instead feel a deep sense of calm. This calm leads to confidence, compassion for your kids, clarity on what you should do, and so many other good things.

What I've noticed, though, is that when moms first come to me, they often feel really embarrassed that they are not already calm. This mom feels ashamed that she yelled at her kid or emotionally checked out or was a little bit too physical. She thinks she should know better or that something is wrong with her.

Listen to learn:

Why it’s hard for you to feel calm (and it’s totally normal!)
How getting calm is like learning to drive a car
What to do after you lose it on your kid
Why shame is not the way to change your behavior

If you can relate to that embarrassed mom, I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you. Today, I’ll help you learn how to feel more calm and less guilt.

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When You Don’t Feel Calm

You're human. You have a human nervous system and stress response.

And raising children is stressful. Especially in the first 11 or 12 years, parenting is relentless. The waves keep coming and coming, and it feels like you never get a break.

Sometimes, you might be able to catch yourself before you totally lose it on your kid. This is a great time for a Pause Break.

When you notice that you’re starting to take your feelings out on your child, just stop. Like you’re slamming on the brakes. It’s going to feel weird and sudden. You can say, “You know what? I love you, but I don't want to yell at you. So I'm gonna go wash my hands.” Then, go and reset.

Other times, we don’t even realize that we are overwhelmed or frustrated until we find ourselves yelling and losing our sh!t. We act our feelings out on our kid. And then later, we feel really bad about it.

The truth is that, eventually, you always regulate yourself (or else you’d still be yelling hours later). Your brain comes back online, and you stop. The goal is to stop earlier and come back to calm more intentionally.

How To Get Out of Mom Guilt

I see a lot of moms go into self-criticism with thoughts like, “I'm hopeless. I'm not like other moms. I'm not good enough. I'm not cut out for this.”

We have this subconscious thought that if we’re mean enough to ourselves about how we acted, we can shame ourselves into behaving better.

But shame doesn’t motivate. Shame creates pain, which just continues the cycle. That’s why we don’t do it for our kids, and I don’t want you to do it to yourself, either.

As a woman, and especially as a mom, it is so easy to be so mean to yourself. But all that ends up happening is that you feel really hurt, sad and discouraged, and then you take those feelings into the next encounter with your child.

When things escalate and you find yourself yelling before you pause, you don’t need to judge yourself for it.

Instead, offer yourself the same compassion you offer to others. Just like we teach our kids, your feelings are okay. You might just need new strategies to handle your emotions.

What To Do When You Lose Your Cool

Self-compassion is so important after you lose it on your kid. It's time to step back and give yourself a bunch of love. You always have permission to pause. Literally just stop parenting for a moment, and go take care of yourself.

Compassion is the way to move towards better behavior. It's a deep understanding of what was happening for you and a validation of that emotion.

You can use the Connection Tool on yourself the same way you would use it with your child.

Narrate the situation for yourself. Give words to what was so hard. What was the circumstance that triggered your big feelings? Instead of criticizing yourself, you can just say, “So, this morning sucked. That's not how I wanted my day to go.”

Name the feeling. For example, “I'm feeling really disappointed.”

Now what do you want to do next? How can you take excellent care of yourself? How can you soothe your disappointment? How can you feel this feeling and let it move through you?

Find a small, soothing thing you can do for yourself that will make you feel a little bit better. When you take care of your emotions, you won’t dump that disappointment or frustration onto your kids.

Becoming More Calm

Becoming calm is a process that requires a set of skills. It’s not something you are born knowing how to do.

In the beginning, you may not be able to pause and reset until after the fact. That’s okay. You don’t need to judge how fast you were accelerating or how long it took you to put on the brakes.

You can still give yourself compassion, soothe yourself and then think about how you want it to go next time. How do you want to handle it differently? What limit do you need here? Is there a routine you need to fix?

After a while, you might catch yourself when you’re in the middle of yelling or lecturing. If you notice this, stop, and pause, that’s incredible. As you practice, you’ll notice the acceleration earlier and earlier.

The long-term goal is to get to a place where you’re not needing to slam on the brakes. You can just ease off the gas and level things out more easily. This kind of calm is a deep sense of emotional regulation where your nervous system is really in balance and you’re able to move through your stress response without as many intense ups and downs.

I want to free you from the shame spiral. It does not help you. It only hurts. And when you feel hurt, you’re more likely to hurt others.

I want to offer you the gift of self-love. It’s okay to be kind to yourself, Mama. And things will get better when you do.

Previous Episodes:

Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause Break
Episode 8: Pause & Reset Your Body
Episode 9: Pause & Reset Your Emotions
Episode 10: Pause & Reset Your Mind

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Make Any Relationship Better with Maggie Reyes Mar 14, 2024

My guest, marriage coach Maggie Reyes, and I are talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship, how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better.

You’ll learn:

How to shift your thoughts when you’re bored with your partner
What to do when you feel like you don’t matter to your partner
How to reconnect (and it’s not just more date nights!)
Where to look for clues about your values so you can be more intentional with your energy

Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life.

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Today’s guest, Maggie Reyes, is a marriage coach who is sharing her advice to make any relationship better. Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life.

We’re talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship and how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better.

4 Essential Elements of a Great Relationship

If you’re in a relationship with someone that’s not feeling amazing, you might not even know where to begin. The four elements Maggie shares give us a starting point to narrow down where the issue(s) might be and offer possible solutions.

They each come with their own question to get you started.

Perspective. Is there a different way to look at this? For example, if you feel you aren’t getting what you need in a certain situation, is it possible that your partner is trying but not doing it the way you would want?

Partnership. Are we on the same team? Do we have collaboration and rapport? This works like an emotional bank account. You need to make a lot of deposits into the partnership in order to make the withdrawals you want.

Pleasure. Are we having fun and enjoying our connection? In a marriage, this also includes having a sexual connection. This is where tools like the Delight List I often teach come into play.

Personal Power. Am I thinking that I matter? This allows you to explore what is and is not okay with you. You have to believe that you matter enough to even ask for what you want and need in the relationship. You get to ask for things that you find pleasing or delightful, and you get to say “no” to things that don’t fit your priorities and values.

These elements are often connected. For example, if you’re enjoying each other’s company, you likely also have a strong rapport and partnership. If there is one that really stands out as you ask yourself these questions, that is a great place to focus your attention.

Give and Get What You Both Need

Maggie believes that people love us the best they can, but it isn’t always the way we want to be loved. You and your partner might express your feelings and what matters to you in completely different ways.

Sometimes we miss each other or we miss the mark on what the other person wants or needs. We're trying to do things, and the other person isn't seeing them. It’s easy to tell ourselves, “Oh, they don’t care. They’re not thinking about me.” But often, this isn’t the case.

A shift in perspective can help us see things that we weren’t noticing or looking for before, or we might see that they are expressing love in a different way that we would.

Try asking what is meaningful to the other person. What would they like? What would be delightful when they get home? You may be scared of asking these questions because we think they’re going to want something that's beyond our capacity, but sometimes what our spouse needs from us is much simpler than we think.

And because you matter, you can give feedback, too. I’ve experienced situations with my own husband when I had to tell him, “I love what you’re doing, but I don’t like the way you’re doing it.”

Reconnect With Your Spouse

Busy schedules, work, kids activities and chores fill our days and often leave us feeling disconnected from our spouses.

In her work, Maggie sees a direct correlation. The people who struggle the most in marriage are the people who spend the least time together. The people who are thriving spend the most time together.

The natural inclination in any relationship is to drift apart. So you have to choose to turn toward each other on purpose.

Maggie’s suggestion is to build in small pockets of “together time”. This can be 5 minutes of coffee together in the morning or 20 minutes together to check in and just breathe after the kids are in bed.

If you love date nights, that’s great, but they’re not required (thank goodness!). Making a plan to curl up on the couch, eat snacks and watch Netflix works, too. It’s about doing more of what works for you.

Daily check-ins also create space for connection and conversation, even just a few minutes each evening.

Get Clear On Your Values

The best way to understand what you value, Maggie says, is to look at your calendar and your bank account. With busy lives and limited amounts of time and money, it’s easy to feel like there isn’t enough to go around. But we choose where our resources go, and we can be more intentional so they better reflect our values.

Sometimes our values aren’t clearly articulated, but you can look to your life for clues. I noticed that as a family we visited a lot of National Parks, which highlights the value we place on spending time in nature.

When you look around and see where you are spending your time and money, the next step is to ask yourself, “Is this actually important to me in this chapter of life or is it just a habit?” and “What if I valued it on purpose?”

You can make your values even more clear with a simple conversation as a couple or as a family. What is important to you, as individuals and as a unit?

For example, if you are telling yourself that your weekends are all filled up, ask if there is another way you can look at it (shifting your perspective). Why is every weekend filled?

If you say that your family and your relationship are important to you, how do you want your weekends to look and what can you say “yes” or “no” to in order to create that?

There will always be an opportunity cost - something you have to give up in order to get something else. Make the choice that gives you what is most important to you and your family.

The Best News of All

Your spouse doesn’t have to change in order for you to be happy or to have the marriage you want. You don’t need to keep hanging your happiness on changing your spouse. Your peace and joy are not conditional on what they do or don’t do.

This is great news because if you’re waiting on someone else to change, you might just end up sitting and waiting for a long time. It also means that you can take action towards what you want…right now!

Ask yourself, “What do I want to be different? What do I want to prioritize?”

You can start doing the things that engage you in the world, and your spouse can simply respond to what you're presenting in front of them. This can be as simple as making an invitation. Saying, “This is what would delight me this weekend. Would you like to join me for any part of that?”

If your spouse doesn’t want to do something that you’re doing, it’s okay. You don’t have to make them wrong for it. It doesn’t have to mean anything about your relationship. Instead, you can try a different approach of how it could be fun and work out for both of you or find a friend who would love it.

And if they extend an invitation to you that you’re not thrilled about, you get to choose whether to decline or be a little uncomfortable and do something that’s not your favorite out of love service and love to this person that you care about.

Especially with kids, it’s a bit of a dance between making an effort to prioritize our relationships while also exploring the things that matter to us as individuals. But there can be space for all of it. There's a space for you to do things that you’re interested in. And there is also space where you and your spouse (with or without the kids) can do things together that are fun for both of you where you can connect.

Maggie and I had such a great time recording this episode for you. We are cut from the same cloth and share so many of the same views in what we teach and how we help our clients.

Her intention behind her group program, The Marriage Breakthrough Accelerator, is that once you go through the program, you will always be able to create your own breakthroughs. You’ll be able to use the tools you learned to handle any situation that comes up in your relationship with confidence and with grace. Learn more about working with Maggie at the links below.

Connect with Maggie Reyes:

Visit Maggie’s website
Listen to The Marriage Life Coach podcast
Learn about the Marriage Mindset Breakthrough Activator (Maggie’s group coaching program) and other ways to work with Maggie
Follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest @themaggiereyes

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

A New Way To Parent Mar 07, 2024

If you’re tired of repeating yourself, yelling, punishing and keeping up with the dreaded sticker chart, I want you to know that there is a new way of parenting - one that actually works.

Listen to learn:

Why your kids don’t do what you tell them to (and you end up yelling)
The 4 steps of the Calm Mama Process
My favorite sentence for validating feelings
How to get help and learn a new way to parent

When I became a parent, I realized that I didn't like the way it felt to be punitive. I didn’t want to yell, criticize or spank. I had to find a different way, but I didn’t really have any other tools in my toolbox to manage my kid’s behavior.

So I learned a TON about different parenting styles. And I created my own toolbox. In this episode, you’ll learn the steps of the Calm Mama Process and what sets it apart from other parenting models and tools.

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I’ve been a mom for almost 20 years. And in the beginning, I thought I just needed to manage my kids' behavior and teach them how to be good people. I didn't really know much about it.

I was raised with a traditional parenting model that used punishment or praise to keep kids in line. Nobody talked to me about feelings. Nobody cared about that. The adult world was the adult world, and the kid world was the kid world.

Parenting Styles

There are four main parenting styles out there.

Authoritarian parenting, which is very strict. This is where we hear a lot of, “Do it because I said so.”

Authoritative parenting (this is what I teach), where there is a balance between respecting feelings while also holding boundaries. A mixture of being strict and connected.

Permissive parenting in which there are no boundaries.

Neglectful parenting, which is also thought of as uninvolved or detached parenting.

A New Way To Parent

When my kids were young, I was trying to do traditional parenting stuff, like time outs and sticker charts, and my kid’s behavior was escalating rather than improving.

Then, I learned about what we now call gentle parenting. You may also hear it referred to as nonviolent or compassionate parenting. I learned that feelings drive behavior, and behavior is a form of communication of emotion or unmet emotional needs.

When I started using these gentle parenting tools, my son’s long, intense tantrums became less intense, happened less often and were over more quickly. And it didn’t take long for me to notice a change.

I see this over and over with my clients. As soon as the parent starts to practice genuine connection, the child's Big Feeling Cycles decrease.

The Calm Mama Process

Over time, I created the Calm Mama Process, a parenting approach that includes both emotional coaching (helping your kids with their feelings), as well as how to set boundaries and follow through with consequences.

The process is made up of 4 steps: Calm, Connect, Limit Set & Correct.

Calm is the first step of the process, but it was actually the last one to come about. I saw my clients getting amazing results with the other three steps, but I was also hearing the same problem come up over and over again.

The process worked…except when they were mad. In those moments, they couldn’t remember the steps and the scripts or what to do. Their stress and inability to manage their own emotion was standing in the way.

Calm has to come first. It is all about YOU - managing your stress, your nervous system, your mindset (aka your thoughts about situations, your kids and yourself as a parent) and your self-care. When you are calm, you’re able to stay in your thinking brain (instead of being reactive) and follow through on the other steps.

Connection is where you get curious about what feelings are behind your kid’s behavior. You narrate what you see, name what your child might be feeling and coach them through it.

Isn’t possible to always emotionally coach your kids. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t really give them motivation to change their behavior.

Commands also don’t create motivation, and threats and bribes use fear to motivate (which feels yucky for you and for them).

So we need some other tools.

Limits help you create structure and routine so that your kid knows what to expect and what you expect from them. They also deliver the “rule” in a way that makes your child think.

The limit setting formula goes like this: You are welcome to _______ as long as _______.

Correction (or consequence) then helps kids see and understand the impacts of their behavior. I teach a restorative model of restitution, which teaches kids to make amends and go back and repair any problems they created.

The four steps together create a complete parenting model that allows you to connect with your child while still holding them accountable for their behavior.

Which area do you want to work on most?

Do you want to feel less burned out and overwhelmed with parenting?
Do you want to feel more connected to your kids and be more comfortable with their feelings (even when they’re hard)?
Maybe you’re really having trouble getting your kids to listen.
You’re repeating yourself and yelling and punishing, and you don’t want to be.

I help you with ALL of these things (and a lot more) inside my programs. We solve whatever problems you’re dealing with - morning routines, bedtime, screens, picky eating, you name it.

Head to my website to learn more about upcoming parenting classes or book a free 25-minute parenting chat with me to find out which program is the right fit for you. www.calmmamacoaching.com

Previous Episodes:

Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause Break
Episode 3: Connection is Key to Improving Behavior
Episode 4: Setting Limits that Work
Episode 5: Rethinking Consequences

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

The Accidentally Permissive Parent Feb 29, 2024

When I first became a parent coach, I talked a lot with moms about how feelings matter. Over the past 15 years, I’ve seen a shift. Now there's a lot of awareness about emotions and validation, but I find myself talking more and more about how important it is to have consequences and teach kids that their behavior has an impact.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why gentle parenting information is often incomplete
Why it’s not enough just to stop yelling and talk about feelings
How we experience real-life consequences as adults (and how we can use it as a model for parenting)
How to protect your own energy

This confusion over, “Ok, I validated their emotion. Now what?” is why I teach the limit setting formula and the concept of restitution.

When you’re calm AND you put limits, consequences and connection all together, you are teaching your child how to integrate all the parts of their brain. It’s a complete parenting model to raise emotionally healthy humans. Listen to learn how.

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Parenting culture in the US has come a long way in terms of recognizing and validating our kids' emotions. And at the same time, we’re seeing more instances of the “accidentally permissive parent”.

Why Permissive Parenting Happens

In a recent study of parents who were practicing gentle parenting principles, 40% said that they actually don't know what they're doing.

Many of these parents have values around staying calm during a conflict, not yelling, identifying and naming their child’s emotions and trying to help their kid cope with those emotions.

They’re trying to break cycles of shame and punishment and pain.

This is amazing and beautiful. But it is incomplete, because they don’t know what to do with the misbehavior. There isn’t really language around setting limits or having consequences.

This confusion over, “Ok, I validated their emotion. Now what?” is why I teach the limit setting formula and the concept of restitution.

When you’re calm and you put limits, consequences and connection all together, you are teaching your child how to integrate all the parts of their brain. It’s a complete parenting model.

Over time, you end up with an emotionally healthy person who knows how to manage their feelings in ways that work for them and others. That is our goal.

How to Avoid Being an Accidentally Permissive Parent

Many moms who are interested in gentle parenting (also called compassionate or nonviolent parenting) are familiar with the first two steps of the Calm Mama Process: Calm and Connect.

In CALM, you regulate your own emotions. This might include healing from past trauma and definitely includes managing your stress levels. In CONNECT, we name, validate and emotionally coach our kids through their Big Feeling Cycles.

I believe we need to take connection a step further, and help our kids manage their big feelings within limits.

When your kid is struggling with a big feeling, you might feel like you can't set a boundary. You might want to let the misbehavior go because they’re already upset. You don’t want to bring on more big feelings by dealing with the misbehavior.

You can be firm while still recognizing your kid’s feelings. In a situation where a kid is throwing things or hitting, this might look like The Hard No. “Everyone stays safe here. You can have your big feelings, but you cannot hit me.”

LIMIT SET is the third step. Here, you set clear limits and what your child may do (or what you’re willing to do), and hold your boundaries.

For example, you tell your child they can play outside after they’ve finished their homework. They aren’t doing what they’re supposed to do, and time’s up. We’re not going to play outside.

When you hold a limit, your kid is going to have feelings about it. They’re going to be uncomfortable, disappointed, mad or sad.

When your kid is upset because you’re holding firm to your limit, they might try to negotiate with you to get what they want. If you can hold the line and let them struggle a little bit, they will find a way to move through the emotion.

Finally, we CORRECT any misbehavior that happened. When your kid makes a mistake, they fix it. Consequences don’t have to involve pain and shame. You can practice empathy and compassion while following through with a consequence.

Consequences are not about threats or fear. It’s about teaching our kids to think through their actions and the result of those actions. To recognize when their behavior has caused a problem for someone else and fix their own mistakes.

It takes a long time to parent a child to become an adult. So we bring in small ways to show them that their behavior has an impact. “Hitting your brother causes a problem. Here’s how you can fix it.” “Not cleaning up your toys causes a problem. Here’s how you can fix it.”

You might be thinking, “Darlynn, this sounds like an awful lot of work.” And you’re right.

It can be exhausting to always ride every emotion out with your kids. And you don't have to. If you spend all your time emotionally coaching your kid, you’ll never get anything else done.

I want you to know that it’s okay for our kids to process their negative emotions alone sometimes. It's okay for them to process their negative emotions with someone else.

Not every meltdown or big feeling needs to be evaluated and discussed. You also don't have to attend every Big Feeling Cycle that you're invited to. Sometimes, we have to move on with our day.

This isn’t about you doing something to make your kid feel differently. It's about acknowledging the emotion and letting your kid learn for themselves that they can handle it. You can be empathetic and also trust that your kid can handle the feeling.

The good news is that the more you practice limit setting with connection, the better and faster your kid will be able to move through their negative emotion.

Ready to go deeper and learn the strategies and tools to raise an emotionally healthy kid, tween or teen? Check out my upcoming programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com.

Resources:

Episode 79: Therapeutic Parenting
Article from “The Cut”: The Rise of the Accidentally Permissive Parent

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Why Parenting Is Confusing Feb 22, 2024

I’m just gonna say it. Parenting is confusing! There are a lot of decisions to make, and you want to be an amazing mom for your kid. In this episode, I’ll explain why parenting is so confusing and offer some words of encouragement that I hope will make you realize that you’re already doing a great job.

We’ll talk about:

Why parenting is confusing (it’s not just you!)
How parenting is like learning to drive
What it looks like to be a beginner and how to advance your skills in parenting

If you are struggling in your parenting and you are confused and overwhelmed, I want to say that's normal. Nothing's wrong with you. Listen to learn how to embrace being a beginner and build confidence in your parenting skills.

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As a parent, there are a lot of times when you don't know what to do. You think you should know, so then you feel bad because you don't know. You judge your confusion, and it's a whole messy spiral.

Especially in the beginning, you might think, “What is wrong with me? I have no idea how to do this. I'm so overwhelmed.”

I want you to know nothing is wrong with you.

Why Parenting Is Confusing

The reason parenting is confusing is simply because you have never done this before. It's normal to feel confused in the beginning of doing something new.

Parenting is a long line of decisions and things you need to learn how to do, from when and how to introduce solid foods to signing your kid up for sports to teaching them how to drive.

There are lots of opinions out there, from friends, family and, of course, the internet, but YOU are the one who has to decide. It feels like you're flying blind.

You make the best decision you can with the information you have and see what happens.

This doesn’t always feel great, but it’s the same with anything new that you’re learning how to do.

Being a Beginner

I’ve taught three teenagers to drive (both of my sons and my nephew), and I was struck by how little the kids actually knew about how to drive.

They thought they knew because they'd been in a car a lot. They'd watched their parents drive. But when they got in, they barely knew where the brake was and they had no idea how much pressure to use on the pedals or how far to turn the steering wheel.

Parenting is the same. You had parents or other adults who raised you. You’ve seen other people parent. Maybe you’ve even read books about it. But doing it yourself is a whole other story.

I want to release you from the guilt or the shame around thinking that you should know better and give you permission to be a beginner, especially in the first 7 or 8 years of parenthood.

This is not something that you should be great at right out of the gate.

You’re already a great parent because you’re a wonderful human, but these unique experiences of parenting are new. You have not dealt with this before.

For now, I want you to adopt a beginner mindset in parenting like you would with any other skill.

Right now you’re looking for answers, figuring things out and deciding what areas you should seek out help with.

Building Your Parenting Skills

Every time we want to we do something new, especially if it matters to us, we learn. We get help, we find a teacher.

The cool thing is that as you do something, you learn the basics and start to get better at it. Some of those basic things that you used to feel confused about no longer feel so confusing.

You get to know your kid a little bit more. You make some decisions and build up experience and wisdom. You start to realize that you’ve already figured out a bunch of things, and you’re not necessarily a beginner anymore. You’re more of an advanced beginner.

Not everything feels so heavy and hard and weighted, and not everything feels like it's going to matter for the long term.

You realize that parenting is about making choices, and when they don’t work out, it’s not a problem. We can pivot. Not everything you or your child does at 4 years old is what will be happening at 14.

And as you move into the intermediate stage, you use your beginner skills to problem solve and build even more confidence as a parent.

An Instruction Manual for Parenting

Parenting isn’t confusing because you don’t have the intuition for it or you're not cut out for it or because something’s wrong with you. It's an actual skill gap.

Just like someone taught you how to drive and to deal with obstacles along the road when they came up, sometimes you need actual teaching in parenting.

You need new skills and “advanced” level parents who have gone ahead of you, who've seen a lot of obstacles, who've gone through these scenarios and can give you perspective and can tell you what's coming down the road.

People often joke, “I wish this kid came with an instruction manual.” And it's not a joke. It's a legit desire. Because this stuff is hard!

That's why I have spent the last 12 years trying to create the instruction manual for parenting. A big part of what I teach you in my programs is what's developmentally appropriate at every stage, what parenting strategies work and how to implement them.

Your kids think you're an amazing mom. They love you to pieces, and they want you to teach them, guide them and show them how to grow up and be an adult. They need to believe you're capable, because that makes them feel safe.

If you are struggling in your parenting and you are confused and overwhelmed, I want to say that's normal. Nothing's wrong with you. And I want to invite you to the skills and support you need. Learn more about my upcoming programs or book a free call with me here.

You’ll Learn:

Why parenting is confusing (it’s not just you!)
How parenting is like learning to drive
What it looks like to be a beginner and how to advance your skills in parenting

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When You Don't Like Your Kid Feb 15, 2024

If you’re a mom, you know there are times when you don’t like your kid. Of course, you always love and care about them and want what’s best for them, but there are also tough stages or times when they’re showing up in ways you just really don’t like. This happens to parents all the time, but it’s something we hardly ever talk about (because we’re ashamed of feeling this way).

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why only you can control the way you think and feel about your kid (no more waiting for them to change)
Examples of how to reframe behavior and use it as information
2 simple exercises you can do right now to shift to a more positive view of your child
How your feelings toward your kid are like an Instant Pot

Listen in to learn how to change your thoughts and feelings about your child so that you can shift out of that yucky place of judgment, anger and resentment, find compassion and improve your relationship.

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This happens to parents all the time, but it’s something we hardly ever talk about (probably because we feel ashamed for feeling this way). We think we aren’t supposed to have these negative feelings about our kids.

When You Don’t Like Your Kid

The truth is, there are stages of parenting that are really hard. Little kids fight for more power. Teenagers try to define themselves and might show up with values that don’t feel good to you. Personalities clash. Your kid has big feelings that they don’t know what to do with. These challenges can be even bigger if your child is neurodivergent or has experienced trauma in their lives.

I want you to know that, no matter what is going on, your kid is not just an asshole. They’re not wired to be a jerk. They are a human struggling with their negative thoughts and big feelings, and they don’t know how to handle it.

These are hard things to be around, so it’s normal if there are periods of time when you don’t really like your kid that much.

It becomes a problem when you stay stuck in that place and start to harbor resentment, frustration and anger.

When you bring that “dislike” energy and all of your negative opinions and thoughts into your relationship, the dislike (and even disgust) grows. You act unkindly toward them, they get defensive or attack you back, and you can end up in a really yucky place.

And if you feel overwhelmed by the frustration and hurt and want to emotionally check out, you’ll lose that connection, too.

It’s easy to think that your child needs to change their behavior or personality in order for you to feel differently about them. But this is pretty much completely out of your control, and as you wait for them to change, the relationship gets worse and worse.

How To Shift From “Dislike” To “Like”

There is a better way, and it starts with you.

The strategies below will help you to change how you are thinking and feeling about your child so that you can shift out of that yucky mindset and improve your relationship.

So much of parenting is about your mindset, which is great because you have control over how you think about something (including your kid and their behavior). Your thoughts then create your feelings, and your feelings drive the way you show up and act with your kid.

You get to choose how you think and feel about your child. You can also reframe the way you think about their behavior, remembering that behavior is always an expression of how that person is feeling. What’s going on inside of them is showing up on the outside. This idea can help us be more curious and compassionate, and it is the root of gentle parenting.

The Delight List

This is one of my favorite tools for building closer connections between moms and their kids (or really anyone in your life).

It’s an exercise that helps you train your brain to look for the good things about your child.

Here’s how to create your Delight List:

Write a list of 30 things that you like about your child
Read this list aloud to someone - your partner, your friend, your mom, or your parent coach
Commit to reading your list once a day.
Think "delightful thoughts" while you are near your child.
Tell your child one thing you enjoy or like about them each day.

If you need some help, here are a few prompts to get you started:

I like [blank] about my kid.
My kid is really good at [blank].
I feel the most happy when my kid does [blank]. I
I know my kid is great because [blank].

Write your delight list in a journal, on your computer, in the notes section of your phone, speak it in a voice memo, or add it to your journal. Do it in a place where you can look at it a few times.

The more you practice delight, the more you’ll feel it.

The “I'm Mad at You” Letter

Sometimes, you can’t find the delight. You’re just mad and you need to get out of that part before you can get to delight.

This is a letter that you will never give to your child or show to anybody, but it is a way for you to dump some of that negativity out on paper and get it out of you.

When you do this, you can be as honest and mean and spiteful as you are feeling at the time.

I know that you don’t actually hate your child. You’re mad and you love them - both of these conflicting thoughts and feelings are inside of you at the same time.

The purpose of the exercise is to get the bad out so you get to a place where you soften and uncover some more positive thoughts and feelings. Releasing some of the tension creates space for the deeper feelings of love, hope and connection that are underneath.

I often recommend that you pull out a piece of paper. On one side, you write the “I’m mad at you” letter, and on the other side, you write a Delight List. This allows your brain to sift through and sort all the different thoughts.

The goal of the Calm Mama Process is connection and raising emotionally healthy kids. This starts with compassion for your child. The best thing you can do for them is to learn how to release the judgment and resentment you’re feeling and find calm and compassion.

I want you to know that if you’re ever on a call with me or in one of my programs, I am never judging you. All I feel is your pain. All I want to do is be that journal page for you to let out those negative thoughts and process the emotion.

Because here’s the truth - Your core self is a loving and kind person. You are a mom who cares deeply and loves your children. The thoughts and feelings that are rising to the surface are rooted in love and fear, desire and hope that they will become who they are meant to be.

This week, I challenge you to notice when you are having negative thoughts about your kid and give yourself some space to journal and process those thoughts and feelings. See what delight is underneath and let it come through.

Trust yourself, Mama. Trust that underneath all of that pain is something really beautiful - love.

You’ll Learn:

Why only you can control the way you think and feel about your kid (no more waiting for them to change)
Examples of how to reframe behavior and use it as information
2 simple exercises you can do right now to shift to a more positive view of your child
How your feelings toward your kid are like an Instant Pot

Previous Episodes:

Episode 22 - What Kids Want From Their Parents

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

The Value of Play with TJ Matton Feb 08, 2024

You’ve probably heard about the value of play for kids, but did you know that it’s just as important for adults? Today, I’m joined by TJ Matton, who helps people find enjoyment in the everyday, playful ways to manage stress, and empowering ways to greater fulfillment.

You’ll Learn:

The value of play - for kids and adults alike
Why we stop playing in the first place
How embracing play affects your parenting
Where to start if you’re feeling stuck

Listen in to hear playing in your own way helps you organically manage your time, feel embodied and find purpose and meaning in everyday life.

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TJ Matton is a social worker, psychotherapist, coach, and educator. Through her business, The Playful Revolution, she helps adults learn to liberate their minds and bodies through play.

Most people automatically associate play with children (or playing with kids). But play is a primal need of all humans, and TJ’s goal is to help adults re-engage their natural drive for play.

Why Do We Need Play?

Besides the fact that it’s enjoyable, play is a tool that we can use to regulate our nervous systems and manage our stress responses.

In her work with moms, TJ has explored how mom rage is related to a play-deprived state. When we yell and scream at our kids, it gives us a feeling of power and control. It puts us back into our bodies.

But we can get these same feelings from play…without the wave of guilt, shame and embarrassment that often comes after an episode of mom rage. Play helps us release the pent-up energy in our bodies and shift out of an activated state more easily.

We often think of being playful as silly or humorous. And while it can look this way, play is really about being interested, engaged, curious and connected. It can be physical, intellectual or in our imaginations.

Even tasks like cooking can be playful, if you’re feeling engaged and creative in the process.

Why Do We Stop Playing?

As kids, play is everything! So, what happened?

Vulnerability

For adults, play can bring up feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness or fear of failure.

It requires us to abandon power dynamics. We might have to change rules or adjust a game to even the playing field and make it playful and fun for everyone involved.

And there is often some risk taking involved. The point of play is to test limits, like when you build the tallest tower you can, knowing that it will fall.

This limit testing means that we are going to fail pretty much every time (and that’s what’s supposed to happen). But the older we get, the less acceptable we see failure to be.

Instead, we can look at life from a place of curiosity and resilience. “My tower fell over, but that’s what’s supposed to happen. I didn’t do anything wrong. Now I get to try again. I wonder how tall I can get it next time?”

Previous experiences

Our learned response to play also plays a role in how we approach it as adults.

As a child, were you often told that your play was too loud, big, chaotic or messy? Were there gender expectations put on your play?

Gender differences

The majority of girls lose play between the ages of 8 and 11. 70% of girls drop out of sports between 7 and 10 years old.

They start to shift focus to peer and family relationships and behavioral expectations of being well-mannered and kind. They are encouraged to get out of self-connection and prioritize others instead.

Types of Play

Most of us have an idea of what play “should” look like. TJ tells us that play isn’t something we have to go out and do. It’s more of a state we try to achieve. An experience that we feel within ourselves of feeling interested and engaged.

Our play is like a blueprint of ourselves, and it is continuous throughout our lifetimes. This is so powerful because it means that the playful part of you is not gone. It is still there, waiting. And reconnecting to your preferred style of play feels like coming home to yourself.

TJ introduces the 8 play personalities outlined by Dr. Stewart Brown and what play typically looks like for some of these common personalities.

Some examples are kinetic play, which uses the body; competitive play, which challenges the player to accomplish something within a set of rules; exploration; collecting things; and jokers who are drawn to humor and vibrancy.

She also highlights that some of us thrive as solo players, while others prefer parallel play or collaborative play.

Obstacles to Play

If play is so good for us (and it’s enjoyable), why aren’t we doing it?

TJ says that the biggest obstacles she sees are the expectations that we put on ourselves and expectations we feel from others.

Those expectations are stressors that push the body down. Many of us have a story in our minds about how we “should” be. But where did that story come from? What if you weren’t always that way? What’s the story you would tell yourself (or think that others have about you) if you didn’t meet that expectation?

When it comes to parenting, there’s so much external pressure and powerlessness. It can feel heavy, hard and restrictive. But parenting can really be a place of play.

A good place to start with overcoming this obstacle is asking yourself:

What expectations am I holding of myself
What expectations do I think other people have of me in this moment?
How can I give myself a little space here?

And when you’re feeling that pressure, there are also ways to make tasks on your to-do list feel more playful. Depending on your play style, that could look like moving your body, putting on music, organizing your to-do list, setting a timer or creating a story in which you are the hero.

How to Embrace Play as an Adult

If you're feeling stuck, that is super normal. TJ assures us that the first step is the hardest. As soon as you start to connect with your play bone, it will feed itself.

She believes that reigniting play for adults is really about finding the lowest hanging fruit and figuring out which type of play is the easiest for us to access.

You can start by thinking about what you connected with as a kid. Maybe a favorite color or activity. What is a way you could connect with that today?

TJ gives the example of blue being someone’s favorite color as a child. Challenging them to notice how many blue things they see at the grocery store today can be a practice in curiosity and noticing that helps awaken the playful spirit.

When you understand what type of play comes most naturally to you, you can start to use small actions to soothe your nervous system (like during a Pause Break). Then, once you’re calm, it becomes a practice of self expression. Now that you’re feeling better, what does it mean to step into the world as a fuller and more embodied version of yourself?

Play is something that we can use to self-regulate and co-regulate, and it is also a practice of what it means to be a more liberated, expressive and authentic version of ourselves.

At the end of the day, all we have is time and energy, and we want to use those in a way that is meaningful to us so that we feel more fulfilled in our lives and we can offer a more fulfilled version of ourselves to our kids.

TJ believes that learning your own inherent ways of play and engaging in playfulness helps you learn organically how to manage your time, feel embodied and find purpose and meaning in everyday life.

As you think about adding more play to your life, I’ll leave you with one of TJ’s favorite questions for moms she meets. If you had a free day where your kids were safe and everything in your home was taken care of, what would you do with it?

You’ll Learn:

The value of play - for kids and adults alike
Why we stop playing in the first place
How embracing play affects your parenting
Where to start if you’re feeling stuck

Connect with TJ:

Learn about TJ’s programs on her website at theplayfulrevolution.com
Follow her on Instagram @theplayfulrevolution

Additional Resources:

8 Play Personalities by Dr. Stewart Brown and the National Institute for Play: https://www.nifplay.org/what-is-play/play-personalities/

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Leadership Energy in Parenting Feb 01, 2024

You know how some moms’ kids seem to listen to them and others don’t? What is it that makes some kids listen and follow directions more than others? What is it that allows the parent to have more ease in those moments?

I believe leadership has a huge impact. In today’s episode, I’m talking about leadership energy in parenting and how it can shift the dynamic of your home (in a good way!).

We’re getting into:

The benefits of bringing leadership energy into parenting moments
How to get more compliance and ease in your family (and less chaos and arguing)
How to build the leadership traits of clarity, commitment, confidence and calm

This episode is an invitation to you to see the value of leadership and the value of connecting with your own leadership energy.

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What kind of energy are you bringing to your parenting, the decisions you make and the way you show up with your kids?

I believe leadership has a huge impact on how well your kids listen to you, the ease you feel and the overall dynamic of your home.

Individuals with leadership energy seem to be able to get people to work together and motivate people to follow their vision and plan. What I’ve seen with parents is that when you bring that leadership energy, there is a lot more compliance and ease and less chaos and arguing.

Why Is Leadership Important in Parenting?

You may not be a leader in your job, but inside the four walls of your home, someone has to be in charge (and it’s not the kids). As the adult, you know what’s best. You understand time and money and nutrition and sleep. Your kids don’t. Plus, kids are wired to look to the adults around them for safety and to be guided and taught.

The energy that you bring to that role will impact the way your kid responds.

Imagine a situation where you ask your child to do something (get dressed, clean up their toys, get in the bathtub, etc.).

When you tell your kid what to do, they will have some kind of response to it. They’re humans, after all, with their own personalities, desires and interests.

If they don’t want to do what you’ve asked, you’re going to see some resistance and protest. This might look like ignoring you, saying “no”, complaining or negotiating.

What happens next can go a couple different ways…

Without Leadership Energy

Your kid’s resistance makes you feel powerless, overwhelmed, angry or resentful. You might think, “I don't have any control over this kid.”

Often, the parent then tries to get the kid to buy in and agree to what they’re being asked to do. It turns into convincing or coercing them to behave a certain way.

You might notice yourself explaining why something is important (and they usually start arguing back). Or maybe you try to bribe them with a promise of some future reward (which they’ll also try to negotiate). Or the threats of punishment come out and you use fear to try to get them to comply. Shame or comparison might even make an appearance. “Other kids get to school on time. Why can’t you?”

When we get into these convincing strategies, we’re communicating that we feel out of control and we’re not sure how this is going to go. And it actually makes your kid feel unsafe because they’re looking to you to be the grown-up. On some level they know they shouldn’t be the one in control.

These ineffective strategies come out when you feel like you’re backed into a corner and you don’t know what else to do.

I want to offer that you DO know what to do. You have tons of evidence from times when your kids have listened to you. Maybe not always on your timeline or without protest, but you do know how to get what you want from your kids.

With Leadership Energy

The opposite of convincing is confidence.

When you are in your leadership energy, you show up like, “100% these people are going to school” or “This kid is 100% going to bed.” You have clarity about what needs to happen. You’re committed because you know the outcome is inevitable.

You may not know how long it’s going to take, but that kid is going to put their pajamas on and get into bed.

Let yourself notice that, in fact, most nights your kid does put on their pjs and go to bed. Look for the patterns and evidence that you DO get the result you want. You ARE capable. You are the grown-up and you know best.

4 Traits of Leadership in Parenting

There are four common traits that make a strong leader, and they are skills you can learn and practice.

#1: Clarity You see the big picture of how you want something to go. You are the grown-up, you have a lot of experience and you know what is best. If you aren’t feeling clear on what needs to happen, start by asking yourself what you want it to be like.

Your kid might protest, but you know that feelings come and go, and feelings are okay. You can acknowledge feelings without changing your goal, having to negotiate, bribe, threaten or coerce them in any way. Connection is so much more powerful than coercion.

#2: Commitment You are committed to the outcome. Yes, this kid is going to school. They are going to practice or whatever it is. It’s okay to allow yourself some flexibility here, but be careful about being too permissive or rescuing your kid.

Sometimes, you might decide that you really cannot take them somewhere you were planning on going. But sometimes, you just don’t want to deal with the situation and the big feelings. Rescuing happens in all families sometimes. But if you are consistently going back on your commitments, it might mean that some confidence and leadership energy are lacking.

#3: Confidence I think of this as having “done” energy. You trust that the thing you want is going to happen. Use past evidence of other times you’ve been successful, and remind yourself that you’ve got this. You’ve put a kid to bed many, many times. You’ve fed them, you’ve gotten them in the car and to school. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again.

You can also look to the future and see that it’s all going to work out. When your kid is potty training, look ahead to when they’re 8 or 18 and see that they totally know how to use the bathroom and clean themselves up. It’s going to happen no matter what.

#4: Calm Calm comes from having thoughts like:

I've got this. My kid has got this.
We're fine. This isn't an emergency.
I can slow down and connect here.

It's so cool what happens when you actually sit with a child (or teen or adult) and ask, “What's going on here?” And you get to soothe whatever comes up and help them calm down, too.

I know some of you aren't quite sure if compassion is really enough or if it really works. And the truth is it does. It soothes the nervous system. It helps shift emotion. We're not bypassing emotion. We're digging in, and we're riding it out. This is leadership energy.

When things go off the rails, that energy will let you respond with, “No problem, I know how to steady this ship. I know how to reset.”

This episode is an invitation to you to see the value of leadership and the value of connecting with your own leadership energy.

Being the leader in your home is a process. Parenting is an opportunity for growth, to learn more about yourself and to grow as a person and a leader in your own life and family.

If you want to learn more about using the Calm Mama Process to connect with your kids so they actually listen to you, check out my programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com

You’ll Learn:

The benefits of bringing leadership energy into parenting moments
How to get more compliance and ease in your family (and less chaos and arguing)
How to build the leadership traits of clarity, commitment, confidence and calm

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Teaching Kids To Love Their Bodies with Victoria Yates Jan 25, 2024

Victoria Yates is back on the podcast today to talk with me about teaching kids to love their bodies and have a great relationship with food and their bodies. We’re addressing some of the challenges and fears that we face as parents, how society has told us to view our bodies, and then she’ll share some strategies to help you support your kid’s health in a positive way.

Victoria is an intuitive eating and body image coach for women. She is also a former labor & delivery and pediatric nurse.

The last time she was here, we talked about how we, as women, can heal our relationships with our bodies and move toward body acceptance and self love at a deeper level. Today, we’re taking it a step further to develop a body positive dynamic for the whole family.

If you’ve been here for a while, you know that my mission as a parenting coach is to heal the next generation in advance. To help our kids get to adulthood without a bunch of trauma and insecurity that they need to heal from.

One of the things that women (myself included) are healing from is our relationship with our bodies and with food. What would it be like if our kids didn’t need to heal these wounds?

What is Body Positivity?

Recent culture tells us that a small body = health. And there’s pushback against body positivity by people thinking this means that accepting our bodies means that health isn’t important anymore.

Victoria explains that her idea of body positivity is not that there are good or bad bodies. Everyone has a different body. It’s a part of human diversity. Body positivity is really about saying, “This is the body that I was given,” and being a little more neutral and accepting of it.

We aren’t all made to be one specific size, and there are a lot of factors that go into our size and weight. Some are things we can control, like our eating habits, movement, sleep and stress. But a large component also comes from our genetics.

And our bodies are always changing. You can think of your relationship with your body like a relationship with another person (e.g. your kid or your spouse/partner). You’re always learning new things about them. You might be frustrated with them at times, but the acceptance and love is still there.

What Our Culture Says About Bodies

There is an anti-fat bias in our society. On the flip side of that, there is privilege that comes with being thin.

Society uses our bodies to decide what is beautiful, healthy and even moral. And this translates into seeing a fat body and labeling it as not beautiful or healthy, like they’ve done something wrong.

Living in a body that isn’t accepted by society comes with the risk of being made fun of or passed up for opportunities. As parents, this can feel scary. We want to keep our kids safe, and they are more likely to be valued in society if they are in a thin body.

You might jump to thinking, “I’ve gotta put my kid on a diet,” or “I’ve gotta make sure they move.”

I see these concerns about weight and body shape come in often around age 9 or 10, as kids are entering puberty. Their bodies are changing in a lot of ways, and kids seem to put on weight before they have growth spurts (not a doctor here, just an observation).

It can be scary for parents to see those changes, and I sometimes see diet culture start to creep in. Victoria shares that most of her adult clients first started dieting in their teenage years. This can be generational, starting with a girl going to a Weight Watchers meeting or doing a diet plan with her mom.

The truth is, people might judge your kid by the way they look. We can’t control that. They might even judge your parenting based on how your kid looks. It can be really hurtful.

So how do we own the idea that their body is the right size, they’re in a relationship with their body and food and that they’re learning and figuring it out?

It starts with the question, “What are you actually worried about - health or fitting in?”

Victoria shares a few strategies parents can use to help their kids develop body positivity.

Teaching Kids To Love Their Bodies

When it comes to food and bodies, instead of focusing on weight and size, here are some emotionally healthy frameworks to consider.

Focus on health-promoting behaviors: movement, nutrition, sleep hygiene, being outside, and spending time with others. (Instead of focusing on weight loss.)

The book Health At Every Size explains that the things we do, not our weight, determine our health. Eating intuitively, moving our bodies regularly, sleeping well and managing stress are the factors that actually impact health. Our weight is secondary.

Ultimately, we want to cultivate a home environment that promotes a healthy relationship with food and body. Look at what your kid is doing and what habits are encouraged in your home. Are you bringing nutritious foods into the house? Are you moving as a family?

Practice the division of responsibility with food. The parent is in charge of what food is served and where it’s served and when it’s served. The child is in charge of how much is eaten. (This facilitates intuitive eating.)

Kids are born as intuitive eaters. Babies cry when they’re hungry, and they pull away when they’re full. This instinct is their default.

This can be as simple as asking a young child, “Is your belly full or is your belly still hungry?” It prompts them to check in with how their body is feeling. For older kids who no longer seem like intuitive eaters, there are ways to bring them back to it.

Combat anti-fat bias by adopting the belief that bodies come in a lot of sizes and that’s ok. There are non-size-2 bodies that are healthy and strong, and there are thin bodies that aren’t healthy. There is a lot of research now showing that weight does not determine health.

Communicate that food is there to give us energy, not to control our size. Encourage your child to eat healthier “power foods” because they’ll power them up and make their bodies strong. It’s not about them needing to be thinner.

Convey that the purpose of movement is to keep our bones and muscles strong, and because it feels good. (Not for weight loss or body sculpting.) When kids have more regular movement, they can run around at the park, jump on the trampoline and do the things they want to do.

Be aware of how you speak about bodies in the world, including your own. Moms often ask Victoria how they can help their kids have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.

Her answer: It starts with you. Kids are like mirrors. If they see and hear you talking negatively about your body or food or going on diets, they will pick up those tendencies.

Make a commitment to not talk badly about your body in front of your kids nor to talk about the size of your child’s body to your child.

If we can decide to stop looking at our kids’ bodies as a problem and instead look at our society’s values (fat bias, thin privilege, diet culture, etc.) as the issue, it frees us from having to participate in it. It frees our kids from being defined by it.

Our kids are borrowing our values and beliefs while they’re figuring out their own. Some of us have a little work to do ourselves before we can really teach our children how to have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. That might mean working on your own body positivity or relationship with food and diet culture.

If you are healing your own relationship with body and food, connect with Victoria at the links below.

Teaching kids to love their bodies is just like bringing more peace into your home. It starts with a calm, confident mama. Learn more about my programs to help you become a Calm Mama here.

Connect with Victoria:

Visit Victoria’s website.
Follow her on Instagram @nondiet_rn
Listen to the Redefining Health podcast
Watch the free masterclass: Stop When You’re Full

Resources:

Episode 51: Your Body with Victoria Yates
Episode 66: Peaceful Dinners & Picky Eaters
Fat Talk; Parenting In The Age Of Diet Culture by Virginia Sole-Smith
Women, Food, & God: An Unexpected Path To Almost Everything by Geneen Roth

You’ll Learn:

Messages we get from society about our bodies that aren’t actually true
Emotionally healthy ways to promote physical health and positive body image in your family
How to handle kids’ desire for sweets and treats
Why teaching kids to love their bodies starts with you

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Why Consequences Matter Jan 18, 2024

Over the past 15 years, I’ve seen a shift in our society’s approach to parenting. We’re moving away from punishment and shame and toward compassion (I love it!!). But gentle parenting has its pitfalls, too. Today, I’m talking about why consequences matter and how you can use natural and logical consequences to help your child understand and take responsibility for the impact of their behavior without hurting your relationship.

A Shift From Traditional To Gentle Parenting

I've spent the last 15 years advocating for a shift in the way we approach discipline and consequences with our children. In the early days, it was revolutionary to me to learn that I didn't have to use pain, punishment, shame, spanking or time-outs to get through to my kids. Teaching parents this new, more compassionate approach was an uphill battle.

These days, more and more moms are aware of gentler parenting philosophies. I’ve been able to see firsthand the shift that has happened over the last decade and a half.

In working with moms of different generations, I’ve seen that Gen X struggles a lot more with trying to release themselves from those punitive measures and lecturing and shaming. It’s a lot of work. We didn’t have a model or map for this, but you’re here listening. You’re doing the work.

In millennial parents, there is a deeper desire to show up for your kids with compassion. You’re connected and committed, and I love it. I also want you to see that permissive parenting is a pitfall of gentle parenting. We need to still parent our children, which means we need to help them understand that their behavior has a result.

We’ve reached a point where parents are so aware of not wanting to hurt their kids that they’re often afraid to say no, to acknowledge that a behavior is causing a problem or to follow through with consequences.

Why Consequences Matter

This shift to a gentler parenting approach can even go so far as not wanting our kids to experience any kind of discomfort and doing whatever we can to prevent that from happening. We try to rescue them from their own choices and behavior, from the results of their own actions.

What I find myself teaching more and more now is that consequences aren’t mean. They’re necessary. It isn’t wrong to teach your kids that their behavior has an impact that is not okay.

I completely understand the desire to protect your kids from discomfort. But the truth is, if you constantly rescue your kids and don't let them experience the negative impact of their behavior, their behavior will not change.

The way that we teach our kids that their behavior causes problems is by showing them the problems and letting them experience the impacts of their behavior.

If you don't bring impacts to your kids, how do they learn? What alternative do you have? You can talk and explain, but experience is the teacher.

You can be firm. You can be strong. You can be the leader in your family. And you can do these things without being harsh, mean or hurting your relationship with your child.

We do this by using natural and logical consequences, rather than punitive ones that focus on punishment, pain and shame.

Natural and Logical Consequences

Natural and logical consequences are two ways to let your kid experience the impact of their behavior.

With natural consequences, the impact comes to your child. It is a direct result of their choice.

For example, you provide breakfast before school. Your kid chooses not to eat, so they’re going to feel hungry later. You did your part by giving them the opportunity to eat. A hungry belly is a good lesson. They’ll feel a little uncomfortable, but they aren’t going to starve because they’ll have other chances to eat later in the day.

With logical consequences, you bring the impact to your kid so that they see the connection between their behavior and the result of their behavior.

Sometimes a natural consequence takes a long time to play out (e.g. hitting and insulting their sibling now might mean they don’t have a good relationship later) so we, as parents, need to bring the impact a little closer to our kids. Experiencing that impact is the motivating factor for them to change their behavior.

The difference between a logical consequence and a more traditional punishment is that it isn’t our goal to make them feel pain or shame.

Logical consequences usually start with a limit. For example, “You’re welcome to go play or use screens after your homework is finished.” So logically, if they don’t finish their homework, playtime or screentime doesn’t come.

I also often teach the concept of restitution - restoring back the impact and fixing the mistakes that your behavior caused. Sometimes we have to get a little creative with these impacts.

If you’re stuck, think of the three main resources we have: time, energy and money. Which of these is your kid’s behavior affecting? There is always a way you can transfer that impact back to your kid (and I teach tons of examples of this in my programs).

Using Consequences Effectively

Our kids’ feelings are valid, their feelings make sense, and their feelings show up in their behavior. When they don't know what to do with big feelings, sometimes it shows up in off-track behavior. They are responsible for making it right and getting back on track.

Delivering a consequence, or CORRECT, is the final step in the Calm Mama Process. The first three steps set the stage for making sure those consequences are effective.

CALM is all about you. When you practice Calm, you’ll be able to ride out meltdowns and big feeling cycles, communicate clear limits and remain neutral and compassionate with your kid.

CONNECT is where we help our kids understand what they’re feeling and how it is showing up in their behavior. All behavior is driven by feelings, so when we skip straight to limits and consequences, we’re missing the underlying cause.

On the one hand, we say, “Your feelings make sense,” and we also let them know, “Your behavior (the way you’re showing those feelings) has an impact that we need to repair.”

LIMITS are the foundation of your consequence - especially with logical consequences. “I’m happy to ________ as long as you _______.” Or, “You’re welcome to _________ as long as _________.”

When the impact is built into the limit, it is not a surprise to your kid. They make a choice and see how it plays out.

Finally, in CORRECT, we combine all of the first three steps to show them why their coping strategy didn’t work, the impact of their actions and talk about how they’re going to make it right. Then, we follow through on that plan.

You’re still going to yell sometimes. I want to normalize that. We’re all human. But if you’re doing it because you feel lost and confused about what to do instead, I am here to help. Check out my programs or go back and listen to the previous episodes listed below.

This week, I want you to just notice if it seems like your kid’s behavior is out of control and they aren’t experiencing any consequences. If you feel lost, ask yourself what impact their behavior is having (i.e. time, money or energy) and how you can bring that impact back to them.

You’ll Learn:

Why consequences matter and how you can use them without causing pain and shame
The difference between traditional and more gentle parenting approaches
How consequences fit into compassionate parenting
Examples of natural and logical consequences

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Resetting Crappy Moments Jan 11, 2024

We all have them, those days when things are going well, you’re having a nice day with the kids and things feel easy…But then a switch gets flipped and everything goes to crap. In this episode, you’ll learn my process for resetting crappy moments so you can get back to feeling calm and connected (and maybe even have a little fun!).

I know firsthand the challenges that come with managing unexpected meltdowns and dysregulated behaviors. Maybe your kid has a tantrum and you have no idea why or you hit your threshold before you even realize you’re starting to feel overwhelmed. Bonus points if you’re at the grocery store, out to eat or visiting someone else’s home.

When Happy Turns to Crappy

This scenario of things escalating quickly is so common. I see it sometimes at restaurants. A family comes in and orders food. The kids are doing fine. They’re occupied while they wait for the food to come and eat it really fast because they’re hungry. Then, they start to act out.

Mom’s thinking, “All I wanted to do was sit here and enjoy myself. Now my kids are super wild, and I don't know what to do. Do we leave? Do we not leave?” She’s about to lose it (and maybe she does).

The problem here is that the kids now have full bellies. They have energy to burn and don’t know what to do while they sit and wait for everyone else to finish eating. And when mom runs out of patience and becomes harsh or starts to make threats, the situation escalates.

Why Crappy Moments Happen

In these moments, your child's amygdala, the part of their brain that activates the stress response, is sounding an alarm. At the restaurant, it might be triggered by boredom or restlessness. This discomfort causes your child to become dysregulated, so they come up with strategies to communicate or cope with that uncomfortable feeling (like getting noisy or wild with their body).

They’re feeling a certain way and showing it with their body. But we tend to bypass the emotion and jump straight to “fixing” the behavior.

When your child is dysregulated and acting out, your brain is going to tell you to start threatening and punishing. To discipline the behavior and get them back in line. It sees their behavior as a threat. But this is not the time for consequences. It will only escalate the situation even more.

Resetting Crappy Moments

The first step is to simply recognize that these moments happened. At first, you might only realize it after the fact, but with practice you’ll learn to see it while it’s happening.

When you feel like things are going off the rails and your kids are escalating and things are just really hard and feel awful, I want you to take a pause break with everyone.

When you notice that your child is having feelings about something, take a moment to address it. This might mean pausing a conversation or activity. In the restaurant scenario, you could take the child aside or go sit next to them and calmly say, “We need to talk here for a second.”

Taking this pause to calm yourself and your child comes from a leadership energy of believing that you are actually in control here. You know what to do. You know how to reset.

Rather than making commands or threats, turn to your child and connect with them. Either in your own mind or with your kid, narrate what is happening and name the emotion that might be causing it. Then ask them what they’re going to do next. Empower them to make a decision about the next steps.

Set some limits, and if they can’t hold them, you’ll have to pivot. If that pivot costs you anything (time, money, energy, etc.), it has an impact that you’ll pass back onto your kid later (aka a consequence).

We don’t let our kids get away with bad behavior. Your child’s feelings are valid, their behavior makes sense, and they're still responsible for the impact of their behavior.

I want your kid’s nervous system (and yours) to calm down before you deliver the consequence. This is what I call delaying a consequence.

When you take a beat to regroup, pause, connect and limit set, you are actually teaching your children how to pause and reset themselves. The long-term goal is that our kids will be able to notice when they’re getting dysregulated, they’ll have words for what they’re feeling and they will have healthy ways to cope with those feelings. It’s a life skill that will benefit them forever.

The process is always the same. You and your kids can learn and practice it right alongside each other. Head to my website to learn more about upcoming programs and how you can get the tools and support you need.

As you move through this week and challenging moments come up, ask yourself, “Can I choose my peace in this moment? Can I choose my kid’s emotional well-being in this moment?”

You’ve got this, Mama! Take a pause, give yourself a chance to reset and start again.

You’ll Learn:

Common scenarios when things get off-track and why it happens (I KNOW you’ve experienced some of these!)
Why commands and threats usually make things worse
My step-by-step process for resetting crappy moments

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

5 Emotional Needs of Kids Jan 04, 2024

In compassionate parenting, we talk a lot about emotions. In today’s episode I’m explaining the 5 emotional needs of kids, how unmet needs show up in behavior and how you can support your child’s emotional health.

In last week’s Parenting 101 episode, I talked about the core needs of attachment and authenticity for humans, including how we can teach better coping strategies while validating our kids’ emotions and authentic selves.

This week, we’re diving deeper into what is really going on when your child is misbehaving. Remember, feelings drive behavior. As parents, we can use our kids’ behavior as information to help them deal with the emotions underneath.

5 Emotional Needs of Kids

These five needs are essential for all of us, and anytime we have a need that isn’t being met, we’ll look for a strategy to cope or try to get what we want. The same is true of our kids.

Please don’t judge yourself as we go through these. It is not your responsibility to meet every one of these needs at all times, but it is important to recognize that when your child has an unmet need, they will have feelings about it (fear, worry, sadness, etc.) and these will show up in their behavior.

Attachment

For humans, attachment means safety. Kids need to feel safe, secure and connected in their relationship with their parents. An unmet need for attachment feels unsafe, insecure, worried, anxious, scared or hurt.

Acceptance

This relates to our core need for authenticity, the ability to be accepted for who we are, without conditions or expectations. Your child doesn’t want to believe that they have to earn your love. They want to feel like, at their core, they’re great and there is nothing wrong with them. When kids start to sense that they aren’t being accepted for their authentic self, they might feel rejected, unwanted, neglected or abandoned.

Affection

Our children thrive on physical touch and affection. This physical affection can serve as a symbol of your connection and attachment. Unmet affection needs show up as feelings of loneliness, fear or sadness.

Appreciation

We all have work to do in the world. We have a primal need for our lives to matter and to feel like we have purpose. Even kids need to feel seen and that they matter. They need to feel valued and recognized for their efforts and achievements. Feeling unappreciated can also look like feeling unworthy, disapproved of or even unlovable.

Autonomy

Kids crave a sense of independence and control over their lives (as becomes obvious when they learn the word “no” as toddlers). The need for agency and autonomy is there at all ages, but becomes especially true during the teen years. In order to go out into the world, they need to believe that they have power over their lives and be trusted with that power. When this need isn’t met, we feel powerless, trapped and scared.

Supporting Your Kids’ Emotional Needs

I sometimes call this therapeutic parenting, because you’re learning how the brain and psychology work so that you can become your child's emotional coach, guiding them through navigating their emotions and understanding their needs.

When you see arguing, blaming, stalling, hitting, kicking, spitting, complaining, intense crying, hiding, lying or other challenging behaviors, you can get curious about what feelings and unmet needs are underneath.

Step 1: Tune into your child’s emotional state.

Be present, listen actively, and offer empathetic responses. Our kids need to feel seen, heard, and valued for their emotional experiences. We need to be present and attuned to their needs, but it doesn’t mean we have to solve every problem for them.

Step 2: Recognize the need.

Get curious about what need isn’t being met. As you look at your child’s behavior, ask yourself what is going on under the surface? What is the unmet emotional need here? Then, narrate to your child what they might be missing. This will help them start to understand themselves more and communicate their needs.

Step 3: Offer solutions.

Try to give them a little way to get that need met. Sometimes, our kids don't need us to solve the problem. They just need us to acknowledge their feelings and provide a supportive presence while they figure it out. They need to know their grown-ups have their back and they can trust them.

When a child feels that deep sense of safety, then they can take risks, problem solve, be creative, play and feel good. When they are able to be themselves, express their feelings and get their needs met, they are less anxious and irritable. There are fewer behavior problems because your kid feels good.

This attachment comes from having a warm, attuned interaction with you.

When you do this over and over, your child starts to learn that they can handle their feelings, they know how to take care of themself and that they can trust their parent. They grow up to be more content and know how to get their needs met.

We want to give our kids the beliefs that they have power in their lives, they can be creative and solve problems, they can trust their attachments and that they matter.

What did you wish you heard from your parents when you were little? Practice saying those things to your kids now.

This might look like, “The feeling you have right now is because you’re feeling powerless, but you always have power and choice in your life.” Or, “The feeling you have right now is because you’re feeling lonely, but I want you to know that we’re always connected even if we’re not together.”

By recognizing and meeting their emotional needs for attachment, acceptance, affection, appreciation, and autonomy, you lay the foundation for your child’s emotional health throughout their lives.

You’ll Learn:

The 5 emotional needs kids (and all of us) have
How unmet needs show up in behavior
What to say and do when one of your kid’s emotional needs isn’t being met
How noticing patterns in your child’s behavior can highlight unmet needs

Additional Resources:

Episode 87: 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Parenting 101: The Basics Dec 28, 2023

As we kick off 2024, it seemed like a good time to return to the basics of compassionate parenting. Plus, “Parenting 101” is a really fun title for our 101st episode! Today, I’ll walk you through some foundational principles and invite you to think about what you want to focus on as a parent this year.

The Basics of Human Needs

In his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté talks about the two essential needs of humans - attachment and authenticity.

Attachment is what drives human behavior. It’s primal. Our nervous system is wired to seek physical and emotional closeness with other humans because we are safer when we are in a community.

This need is even stronger in children, because they are completely dependent on their caregivers for a pretty long period of time. The attachment between child and caregiver is vital to their survival. This attachment looks like physical safety, biological needs being met and emotional safety.

Ultimately, if I feel attached, I feel safe.

The second primal need is authenticity. This means being able to know yourself and express who you are inside. This is a more individualized drive to understand ourselves, and includes building our intuition, trusting our gut and knowing what we’re capable of. It is at the root of self-esteem and self-concept.

Ideally, we want to feel unconditional attachment with the freedom to express our true selves.

The Struggle Between Authenticity and Attachment

Tension arises when being our authentic self threatens our attachments. This can happen a lot during childhood.

Kids (and all humans) express their thoughts and feelings through behavior. What often happens is if the caregiver finds the behavior unacceptable, they detach from the child or do other things that threaten their sense of attachment and safety.

In parenting, this might look like:

Time outs
Spanking
Ignoring our kids
Only giving them our attention when they’re behaving the way we want

Time outs are often used as a punishment, rather than the original intent of providing a break for the child to calm themselves. The message is that your behavior (and therefore you) is not acceptable, and you cannot be here with us until you can act right. It tells them that your attachment is conditional on behavior.

Spanking is another example where attachment is broken. The message is that you are going to hurt their body in order to teach them how to behave. Ultimately, they learn that they are not safe when they misbehave.

You can threaten attachment to get control over your kids and manipulate them into behaving a certain way, but they’ll likely develop a low self-concept in the process. The child only learns to be performative. They try to figure out how to get their needs met through behaving a certain way, which leads to suppressing emotion, people pleasing and insecurity. It turns into a feeling that, at their core, they are not okay.

Kids are constantly looking for reassurance that they are safe in the relationship and that they can rely on the adults around them.

Attachment should never be conditional. The process I teach allows you to acknowledge that your child is struggling, set limits around the behavior and help them handle their feelings in a way that works for everyone. You can think of this more as a “time in”.

On the flip side, when we reassure our kids of our unconditional love, they grow into adults who are secure and feel safe and worthy. They’ll be able to take risks, work toward big dreams and overcome obstacles.

If you’re using any of these strategies I’ve mentioned, I don’t want you to freak out, blame yourself or think you’re a “bad” parent. These are traditional strategies designed to get compliance.

Realize that you do these things because you don’t know what else to do with misbehavior. You aren’t intending to hurt your children. You just don’t have the tools and skills (yet). By reading this blog or listening to this podcast, you are learning a new way.

Parenting 101: The Strategies

The strategies I teach are meant to give you the skills for parenting in a way that your kids won’t have to heal from. We do this by strengthening our kids’ feelings of attachment, safety and authenticity.

The most important thing to remember about behavior is that it is always driven by feelings or unmet needs.

There are behaviors that we need to work on, but we’re not going to use attachment as a way to control our kids. Instead, we reassure them that the attachment and our love is never in question as we guide them toward better behaviors.

Communicate Your Unconditional Attachment

When misbehavior happens, your kid will be upset when you follow through on a consequence. Younger kids, especially, might worry that you don’t love them.

You can hold your limit while still reassuring them. “Listen, you’re safe. You’re okay. I’m not mad at you. This is just part of learning and growing. I love you exactly as you are. You can make mistakes in this family. It's not a problem.”

Let them know that you are the grown up. You’ve got this, and they can trust you. We want to have a sense of leadership inside of us and know that we are strong enough to handle it.

To support authenticity, practice communicating to your kids, “I unconditionally love, welcome and want you. No matter how you feel, act or think, nothing can threaten my love for you. I will always have your back.”

They don’t have to do or be anything different to win your love, and nothing they do can ever threaten the relationship you have.

Validate Feelings

We can also show unconditional acceptance by validating our kids’ feelings. Letting them know that their feelings make sense (even if the behavior still needs work).

As you validate feelings, beware of falling into the permissive parenting trap. Feelings do not excuse misbehavior. We’re still going to set limits and follow through on consequences. We’re just going to do it in a way that maintains the connection with our kids.

This looks like, “Your feelings make sense. I understand why you’re behaving that way, but let’s work on it and try some new strategies.”

If you’re new to this type of parenting, you probably need support, modeling and guidance. I’d love to see you in one of my upcoming programs.

In a small group setting, I teach you how to calm yourself, validate your kid’s emotions, set boundaries and follow through on consequences that aren’t painful. There are lots of specific strategies, tools and scripts, along with a ton of individualized support.

Let’s build the relationships in your family in 2024 and strengthen your authenticity and attachment. Learn more here.

You’ll Learn:

Two things that all humans need
Why authenticity can be squashed in the search for attachment
Traditional parenting strategies that don’t really work long-term
Ways to support your child’s emotions while improving behavior

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

How Trauma Informed My Parenting Dec 21, 2023

Welcome to our 100th episode of Become a Calm Mama! Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past.

I also have my best friend, Tiffany Howsam, here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey.

Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself.

How Trauma Informed My Parenting

When my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time.

There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help.

One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked.

As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control.

I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe.

This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance,

When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow.

As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do.

There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for.

How I’m Healing From Childhood Trauma

There are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress.

A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it.

As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me.

I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust.

I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it.

Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my mental health to coach my kids through their feelings. I practiced being more honest with my kids, narrating circumstances and helping them name the emotions (what I now call the Connection Tool).

When I think about the things that have healed me, it’s radical listening, radical honesty, radical self-love and radical action. I’m willing to be honest with myself, trust my love for myself, listen to what I’m saying and then take new action.

Tiffany thinks of this as showing up for yourself how you want to show up for your kids. I see it as showing up the way you wish adults had shown up for you.

How You Can Heal From Trauma

Our bodies and behavior give us clues when we are not well. If you find yourself being aggressive, yelling, being physical, emotionally checking out, looking at your phone all the time, not paying attention…these are all signs that something is off.

But instead of jumping to self-judgment, we can have compassion for ourselves and get curious about where it’s coming from. What is happening underneath? What are you protecting yourself from or running away from? What are you trying to create that is lacking?

Be gentle with yourself, Mama. Doing something new is not easy. Learn to speak to yourself kindly. Bring gentle curiosity to how your childhood might be showing up in parenting and in other strategies you use in your life.

Then, get some support from a therapist or through one of my parenting programs. Find someone who can give you a different perspective, awareness and the support to work through it.

It is never too late to start working on this stuff - to figure out how you want to parent and work on your mental health and stress so that you can show up the way you want to.

Additional Resources:

Learn more about adverse childhood experiences here
Take the Adverse Childhood Experience survey here
Episode 81: The Inner Child
What Happened To You? by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté

You’ll Learn:

How trauma in your childhood can impact your parenting
My story of childhood trauma and healing
How learning the language of feelings is like talking about water
Why healing your trauma and taking good care of your nervous system is so important for your kids
How to start your own healing journey

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Winter Break Tips for Moms Dec 14, 2023

In today’s episode, I’ll give you 4 winter break tips for you and 4 tips for your kids. You’ll learn strategies to take better care of yourself, feel less overwhelmed, be compassionate with your kids and reduce meltdowns.

Winter break can be hard for us and our kids. What often happens is we sort of just start going into the holiday season and winter break without a plan or being prepared.

Today, I hope you’ll feel empowered to put the brakes on if you need to so that you can actually enjoy this time with your kids and have fun doing the things you want to do this holiday season.

Make Your Life Work For You This Winter Break

When you are overwhelmed and you have no time or energy to take care of yourself, it's gonna take away from enjoying the season with your kids. These four strategies will help you to be more calm and present this winter break.

Tip #1: Be realistic about your schedule and to-do list.

Before you jump into a bunch of activities, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I actually handle right now? What’s been going on for my kids, and how are they doing?” Think about how much time, energy and mental capacity you have.

If you’re really depleted (or if you just know it’s always a disaster when you go out to eat in a restaurant) I want you to opt out and say no. Change your plans rather than push yourself.

Tip #2: Stop people-pleasing.

Similar to the first tip, this is about not doing things that are outside of what you want to do or what you can handle.

When you try to please others by going outside of what you have capacity for, you end up feeling like crap. You don’t enjoy the thing or you feel resentful or you get home and dump all your overwhelm and feelings on your kids.

It is okay for you to disappoint people, change your plans or decline invitations. Friends or family might feel a little sting when you say no, but that negative feeling will likely pass quickly.

Tip #3: Ask for help.

This is a hard one for moms. We feel like it’s our job to do all the holiday stuff, but sometimes there are people in our lives who actually want to help and be involved in the holiday preparations.

When we do it all ourselves, we usually end up really tired and sometimes resentful (again). It’s okay to invite your partner into it if you have one. It’s okay to ask guests to bring something to the dinner or take your neighbor up on their offer to watch your kids.

Your people want to help you. So let them.

Tip #4: Decrease the noise.

This is something I’ve really been trying to practice in my own life. It might look like keeping clutter down around the house, turning off some notifications on your phone, reading less news or taking a break from social media.

Hearing our phones ding all the time actually upsets the nervous system and activates cortisol.

When we spend less time listening to and responding to these other things, it opens up time and space to connect with yourself, your kids or in nature. Maybe you’re laughing, playing games or going for a walk as a family.

The goal with all of these tips is that you feel better and more calm this holiday season. Not frantic, rushed, too busy or overwhelmed. I want you to enjoy it and remember the feelings.

How To Support Your Kids This Winter Break

These strategies will help you be more attuned to where your kids are (mentally and emotionally) this winter break, how to support them and how to create better scenarios that decrease misbehavior and meltdowns.

Tip #1: Know that kids are feeling stressed, too.

Believe it or not, winter break can be pretty stressful for our kids. Their routines are disrupted and they’re more easily dysregulated. They get bored and are spending more time than usual with siblings, if they have them. Adults are often distracted or busy doing other things, so kids might feel left out. There’s also a little bit of a letdown when Christmas and all of the anticipation is over.

You might see your kid’s complaining and dysregulation as them being selfish or spoiled. I want to offer the idea that your kid is not an entitled, indulgent brat. They’re having an emotion.

What they really need is compassion. You can think things like, “They had something in mind that didn’t work out,” or “Wow, they’re not used to staying up this late,” or “This is a really different kind of day.”

Tip #2: Let your kids know what’s going on.

When routines are disrupted, kids don’t know what to expect. One fun way to include them is to create a calendar where you/they can write down or draw pictures of activities that are coming up. Knowing what’s happening helps us feel more safe.

Sometimes, people don’t like to tell their kids what’s going on because they’re afraid they’ll be disappointed if plans change. I disagree. Yes, there might be a meltdown and you need to be able to handle that. But in general, it's better to prepare your children and teach them how to handle disappointment than to protect them from ever feeling disappointed.

Tip #3: Preview challenging situations.

We often tell kids where we’re going, what we’ll be doing there, that we’re leaving in five minutes, etc. But we don’t often talk about what situations might be challenging for our kids.

There’s an opportunity here to pre-problem-solve. What might come up? Maybe you’re getting ready to open some gifts, and they might get something they don’t like or a duplicate. Talk to them in advance about how they could handle that situation.

You can even give them specific language to use. How should they respond when someone gives them a gift? What should they do when they want to leave the table? What if they don't want to hug a family member?

Tip #4: Keep it simple.

During winter break, some days will be exhale days (when you have a lot of activity and it takes a lot of energy) and inhale days (when you rest and recharge). The goal is to balance play and rest.

Many families have a lot of breathe-out days in a row. There are lots of activities and events, and you might start to see more misbehavior.

This is a good clue that you need a rest day. It’s almost like a sick day, but without being sick. Your breathing day might look like staying in pajamas, eating soup and snuggling up to watch movies.

It is also helpful to stick to your routines as much as possible (eating the foods they normally eat, sleeping when they normally sleep). Of course, you’ll be less strict during the holidays. Kids will stay up late, eat more sweets, etc., but too many days in a row of this can throw off your kid’s nervous system and lead to more meltdowns.

When kids know what to expect with schedules, activities and challenges that may arise, they’ll feel safer and more prepared…especially when they know that you’re on their side.

Mama, you don't have to do it all. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to say yes to everything. You can say no to extra noise, extra activities, stress and overwhelm. You can take really good care of yourself. And when you do, you’ll be more present for your kids and it will be easier for them to manage their emotions during the break.

I promise, slowing down to take care of yourself and connect with your kids will be worth it.

I am wishing you just the absolute best winter break, and if you need help implementing these tips or you just want to meet me to talk about your family, learn more and book a call at www.calmmamacoaching.com

You’ll Learn:

How to get through winter break without feeling exhausted and sick by the end
Ways to support your kids and decrease meltdowns
What to do when your kid is disappointed by a change in plans or something not going the way they hoped
How to find more “sparkle” and delight this winter break

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

How To Handle A Meltdown Dec 07, 2023

Whether it’s during the holidays or just on the drive to or from school, meltdowns and tantrums are part of parenting life. In this short and sweet episode, you’ll learn why tantrums happen and get tools and tips for how to handle a meltdown, help your kid deal with the impact of their behavior and cut down the frequency, duration and intensity of big feeling cycles.

Why Is Your Kid Having A Meltdown?

You might call it a meltdown, a temper tantrum or a fit. I like to call it a big feeling cycle. I like to use this term for a couple of reasons.

First, it reminds you that this situation is temporary. Cycles typically have a beginning and an end, and your child’s big feeling cycle is no different. This can be really helpful when you’re in it and it feels like it’s going to go on forever.

Second, I want you to recognize that feelings are the root of this behavior. Sometimes, your kid has really big, overwhelming feelings that they don’t know what to do with. And the strategies they use to cope with those feelings (like hitting, kicking, yelling, blaming, etc.) might not be ideal.

Their brain has thoughts about some circumstance that they don’t like or that is uncomfortable. This triggers the big feelings. Meltdowns are often triggered when you tell your child no or correct their behavior.

They don’t know what to do with the big fear, anger, sadness or other feelings they’re experiencing, so their body takes over and they do anything they can in order to soothe themselves.

Of course, we don’t want our kids to hit, kick, and throw things when they get upset, so what’s a mama to do?

How To Handle A Meltdown

The first priority during a meltdown is to keep everyone safe. If your kid is doing some kind of behavior that hurts others, step in and use the Hard No. Say something like, “It’s okay to feel sad. It’s not okay to hit.” Be firm here. Separate kids if you need to.

The Hard No is just about facts (no moralizing, lecturing or logic). Your feelings are okay. Your strategy isn’t working. That’s all.

In most cases, everyone is safe. You just have a kid who is melting down. Maybe they are complaining, whining or crying. The two things that calm and soothe a big feeling cycle most are connection and moving the body.

Step 1: Recognize that your kid is in a big feeling cycle

Your brain might see your kid’s behavior as a threat, so you’ll need to remind yourself that this is a big feeling cycle. It’s happened before, and it will end.

Step 2: Validate the emotion

Come alongside your child to validate and help name their emotion, either out loud or inside your own heart. This is the Connection Tool. You can say something like, “Honey, you’re kicking and screaming. Are you feeling sad? Okay, that makes sense.”

Just your connection and validation will be soothing to them. It’s important to recognize that you can’t use the Connection Tool to end a big feeling cycle. You have to ride the wave and let the cycle complete itself.

Our goal in validating and naming the emotion and offering solutions is not to interrupt the big feeling cycle but to decrease the length and intensity of it.

Step 3: Offer solutions

Next, you can ask them to tell you more about how they’re feeling and what’s happening. Or, they might need to show you.

The idea is to replace the strategy that they’re using with one that is more “acceptable”. We’re giving them a way to move through the emotion and push it out through their body. If they want to hit, offer them a pillow to punch. If they want to kick, tell them they can stomp their feet on the ground.

Look at how they’re naturally using their body, and use this as a clue to find a healthier way to process the emotion.

Step 4: Repair

Sometimes during a big feeling cycle, your kid might hurt someone, break something or cause another type of negative impact. Big feelings don’t excuse the impact of our behavior. So if your child used a strategy that impacted someone else, they will need to go back and repair it.

Parents often try to deal with these impacts while the big feeling cycle is still happening, but this only triggers deeper levels of overwhelm for the kid. Adding threats and consequences will intensify the meltdown and make it last longer.

Instead, wait until they’re through the cycle and feeling calm again. With kindness and compassion, remind them of what happened and what the impact was. Then, ask them how they would like to fix it.

We’re not trying to punish or shame them. The purpose is to show your kid that their behavior has an impact and that they are responsible for their behavior.

We want our kids to feel really loved, supported and validated in their big feelings, but we don't want them to use strategies that hurt others. Their emotions are part of our life, and it's our job to teach them strategies to cope with those emotions.

I know that this process will have a huge impact on your family. You’ll have way fewer big feeling cycles, and when they do happen, they’ll be shorter and less intense.

You’ll Learn:

Why meltdowns happen
A different way to think about tantrums
My 4-step process to handle a meltdown
What to do after the big feeling cycle is complete

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Your Nervous System Explained Nov 30, 2023

As we head into the holiday season, I want to give you some ways to prepare your nervous system for ALL the things coming your way. With all of the holiday buildup, family visits and kids being home for winter break, your nervous system is going to get activated and you're going to need to work harder to reset it.

You’ve probably heard me talk about your stress response. As a parent, your stress response gets activated pretty often. Your brain interprets misbehavior or another everyday situation as an emergency, your brain sounds the alarm and your body gets flooded with “stress juice”.

Today, I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly.

Your Nervous System Explained

There are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve.

The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased.

Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body.

If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger.

When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play.

The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger.

It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own.

When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting.

Chronic Stress

Your stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them.

This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm.

This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated.

As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between.

Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can more easily recover from stress. We want that teeter totter to go easily up and down so that we flow smoothly between the two states of stress and non-stress.

The way to do this is to intentionally activate your parasympathetic nervous system in times of calm. This helps strengthen the response so it’s easier for you to access when you do get stressed.

Strengthening the Parasympathetic Nervous System

Regulating your nervous system is like digestion - stress juice comes up and it’s got to get out somehow.

The best way to do this is to preset or reset your nervous system most days through rhythm, relationship or reward.

In general, I think the best thing is taking 20 minutes of movement a day. If you don’t have a 20-minute chunk of time, the goal is still to focus on soothing yourself, but those 20 minutes can be spread throughout your day. Some of my favorite stress reset exercises take less than a minute to do, but it’s enough to let your nervous system see that you’re safe and okay.

Some examples of resets during your day include:

Taking a walk before dinner
Doing a YouTube yoga class
Calling a friend to chat
Lighting a candle
Hugging a pillow while taking some deep breaths, noticing the sensations in your body and observing what is around you
Think back to a moment in the past when you felt safe and connected
Listen to some music or a podcast you love while your kids are watching a show

I also encourage you to reframe the time you spend doing these reset activities. You’re not ignoring your kids. This is also parenting. You’re recharging so that you show up the way you want to as a mom. The cool thing is that your kids will probably start doing it with you, and they’ll learn to reset their own nervous systems from a young age.

Your stress response isn’t going away (and we don’t want it to). What I want for you is to not get stuck there. You don't have to stay stressed and activated all the time.

This holiday season, I hope you’ll spend time thinking about your nervous system and taking care of it as much as you can. Go for walks, connect with other adults, nurture healthy sleep habits, spend time in nature and be KIND to yourself.

You’ll Learn:

The two parts of your nervous system and how they work together
Why managing your stress is so important
Signals that you’re in a stress response
Some of my favorite mini stress resets (and where you can get a list of them for free)

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Navigating Grief as a Parent with Leslie Gelfand Nov 23, 2023

This episode is coming out on Thanksgiving Day, and the holiday season is officially here. But sometimes, as humans, we’re in pain even when we are doing celebratory things. Today, my friend and grief coach, Leslie Gelfand, is here to talk about navigating grief as a parent, especially around the holidays.

As a grief recovery specialist, Leslie helps her clients navigate through many different kinds of grief and become complete with the pain associated with the loss. I’m so grateful to Leslie for all that she’s taught me and helped me to work through in my own life, and I am so glad she is here to share her expertise with you, as well.

What Is Grief?

Leslie explains grief as “the normal and natural reaction to a loss” that is caused by an end or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. It is the end of how things were.

We can feel grief over a loved one dying, losing a relationship, pet or job. In fact, Leslie shares that there are over 40 different kinds of loss that people can experience that cause grief.

Of course, grief shows up differently for different people and situations, including the type of relationship you had with someone you’ve lost. And we often have conflicting feelings. For example, a combination of sadness, relief and guilt.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief comes up when you know that a big loss is coming.

I know that a lot of you are in a stage of life where you have children in your home, and you’re also caregiving for aging, ill or dying parents. I call this the “Panini Place” because it isn’t just a sandwich. It’s hot, you’re feeling pressed and there’s a lot of pressure.

This is also a time when you’re likely experiencing anticipatory grief. It’s almost as if we’re pre-grieving. We’re anticipating that the loss and pain is coming.

In some ways, this anticipation brings the pain to us early. But it can also aid us in helping to prepare for the loss. It can make the pain a little easier to digest by spreading it out over time.

It can also help us to be more present, because we’re aware that each time we see that person it may be the last time. And anticipatory grief gives you a little bit of a preview of how you're going to manage this loss and how you're going to come through it.

Navigating Grief as a Parent

As parents, there are two main concerns that come up with grief: How can I take care of myself and mourn while still caring for my kids? And how do I talk to my kids about what is going on?

Many kids’ first experience of death is with a pet, but with any loss at a young age, it feels really, really intense. When my kids were young and experienced the death of a pet, they really followed my emotional lead. They took a cue from me, how I was responding and the emotions I was showing.

Our kids don’t have the capacity to take care of us, and they’re looking to us to see if they’re going to be okay. This means that we want to process some of that emotion before bringing it to our kids so that they understand the feelings without it being overwhelming.

Kids start to understand the concept of death around age 5. When talking to kids about loss and grief, Leslie says that the details of diagnosis, treatment, etc. don’t really matter. She recommends that for kids up to age 12, explaining death as “the person’s body stopped working,” is a simple explanation they can process. Older kids will ask more questions. They might want to know how or why their body stopped working.

She also explains that it’s important to use the terms “death” or “died” rather than more abstract phrasing like “passed away” or “moved on”. We want to use language that is clear and that kids can understand, not nuanced terms that might be confusing.

Many of us were taught by our parents to not show emotion. Stay busy, stay strong for the kids, push through (maybe even eat or drink your way through it). We weren’t taught to grieve in a healthy way. This is an opportunity to model healthy grief for your kids.

Coping with Grief

When there are a lot of big feelings coming forward, we naturally feel a need to distract our mind and body. Your brain and your heart both need a break.

Many of the coping mechanisms we use, like exercise, eating, drinking, binge-watching TV, scrolling social media, gaming, shopping, working, etc. are okay in moderation. Sometimes we need to decompress and check out to get that break.

When it becomes a problem is when we take these behaviors to an extreme. When we’re trying to fill that hole in our hearts with other stuff and the behaviors take the place of actually dealing with the emotions.

As Leslie says, “There is no wrong way to grieve. What you’re feeling is what you're feeling, and it is 100% valid.”

A few healthy strategies that most of us need are:

Talking to others and letting them help you
Finding ways to honor your loved one
Talking about your feelings and how the experience has been for you

Navigating Grief During the Holidays

It's normal to feel more sad than usual around the holidays, especially if you are grieving the loss of a family member or close loved one.

The holidays (and not just winter holidays but all kinds of holidays, birthdays etc.) can bring up unresolved grief. They remind us of when we would spend (or didn't spend time with) particular people. Traditions may be different or missing.

It’s a busy time of year, and we might want to numb out our feelings or put on a performance that everything's okay.

Leslie says, “It’s uncomfortable and painful to sit in the grief. And I promise if you allow that for yourself, you're able to move through it better and more quickly.”

And if someone close to you is grieving, there are simple ways you can support them during this time, too.

Leslie shares two things you can say to someone who is grieving: “I can’t imagine what this is like for you,” and “I’m so sorry.”

She says that if you find yourself starting a sentence with, “At least…”, close your mouth and just stop. The intention might be to be kind and soothing, but it doesn’t feel that way to the grieving person.

More than anything, grievers want to be heard. In my experience, having someone be willing to just be with me and let me talk was so comforting. I found that I needed to tell the story of each loss many times to fully process it.

Sitting with someone, listening and letting them know they aren’t alone is such a gift.

You can even ask questions like: What has it been like for you? What kind of memories are you having about this person? Share a memory of your own if you knew them.

Grief Recovery

Often in grief, there is a period of mourning before the period of recovery. Before you can recover, you need time to process the pain and grief.

Leslie explains this early stage as grieving the physical loss. She says that people are still really in the story of what happened. This period of time is different for everyone. It can last 2 weeks or 2 years.

Then, there comes a shift where you start to feel a bigger gap between the waves of grief. But at this point, we often feel stuck and unsure of how to move forward.

When someone starts to think, “It’s been long enough. I’m ready to move forward,” that’s when it’s time to begin the work of recovery. Their broken heart still needs to be repaired, and there is still often unresolved grief that needs to be processed.

Leslie’s program takes people who are grieving through a specific series of steps to process the grief and heal their heart so that they can enjoy fond memories of that person without their heart breaking again every time.

There is so much freedom and peace in her process. I’m so thankful to Leslie for being with me on the podcast today and for her work in helping us all to be human in a painful world and learn to move through deep pain and loss.

You’ll Learn:

My personal journey with loss and grief (and how Leslie has helped me to move through it)
All about grief and anticipatory grief
The line between showing emotion and leaning on our kids to take care of us
How to talk to kids about death
Healthy strategies for coping with grief
How to know when you are through mourning and ready for recovery

Connect with Leslie:

Learn about Leslie’s program and book a call with her at https://www.griefrecoverywestlosangeles.com/
Find her on Facebook

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

A Calm Thanksgiving With Kids Nov 16, 2023

Thanksgiving is about a week away here in the U.S. This is a day that can be challenging for kids and adults alike, so today’s episode will help you to prepare yourself and your family to have a calm Thanksgiving with kids.

Think back to the past few Thanksgivings. How did they go? Were there some things you’d like to change (or was it just a complete shit-show)?

Whether you’re hoping for small or large changes this Thanksgiving, I’ve got four strategies to help you prepare yourself, feel connected to your kids and enjoy the holiday more.

Why Thanksgiving is Challenging for Kids

There are a few things I see come up often (and that I experienced myself with my two boys and ten nieces and nephews).

First, kids seem to get into a lot of mischief during Thanksgiving. There’s a lot going on and, especially if you’re at someone else’s house, they might feel confused about their boundaries. They get into stuff they shouldn’t and go into spaces where you don’t want them to go.

Plus, they’re bored. Thanksgiving is a long day, and all the adults are focused on other things. Kids are often left to their own devices, but they also probably don’t have access to all their favorite toys and activities.

When it comes to mealtime, parents often feel embarrassed by their kids’ table manners. This is something that takes kids a long time to learn. Even just fork food versus finger food is a confusing concept to kids. Sometimes, they act out at the table, don’t want to eat the food or can’t seem to sit still. They may not want to participate in all the traditions, which can feel chaotic, disappointing or embarrassing as a parent.

Ultimately, for kids, Thanksgiving is just a bit overwhelming. They might look to you to see if everything is okay. But if they sense that you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it might make them feel more anxious, too.

Strategies for a Calm Thanksgiving with Kids

As moms, holidays can come with a lot of pressure. We want ourselves and our kids to be seen in a certain way and are afraid of being judged. But if this overwhelm builds up you might be the one who has a meltdown and has to leave the table (that’s not what we want!).

Have A Plan

Through your Thanksgiving celebrations, you're exposing your kid to some traditions, values and cultural experiences that you care about. You don’t need them to buy in and participate in every aspect (this idea alone can relieve a ton of pressure).

What your child really needs from you throughout the day is connection and co-regulation. Having a plan in mind to do this makes things feel less chaotic.

Spend some time thinking through the day itself (almost like how a teacher would map out a school day). What will the day be like? What time are you leaving? If you’re hosting, what will your kid’s morning look like? Which parent or adult will help move the kids in and out of activities? Who will co-regulate with them when they need it? If you’re the host, you’ll probably need to ask for some help here.

Think about which parts of the day might be difficult for your child and decide on 2-3 times you will intentionally connect with them. While you might not want to do this because you’d rather be talking with the other adults, connecting with your kid throughout the day often means that you actually get more uninterrupted time in between.

A little bit of focused time with you early in the day will go a long way, and a little connection can buy you a lot of compliance. Connect again in the middle of the day for some kind of structured activity. Then, do some big body movement to get the wiggles out before the meal. Jump on a trampoline, go for a walk or do a dance party.

Know what you’ll do if your kid has a meltdown. Instead of pressuring your child to participate or act a certain way, take a pause break together. Go co-regulate with them and spend some time reconnecting. Let them feel safe with you, and then offer a solution and a plan.

Preset Your Nervous System

Spend some time preparing your nervous system in order to calm your stress response. You can actually train your system so that you don’t stay in a stressed state as long. And it’s kinda fun! It looks like taking time to go for a walk, listen to music, sit and drink your coffee…doing small things that delight you.

Ask yourself, “How can I take excellent care of myself this week?” The goal is to proactively get that stress juice out so that you can lower your set point.

Imagine Future You

Think about yourself 10 Thanksgivings from now.

You’re not gonna say, “I wish I had spent less time with my kids. I wish we had done fewer things as a family. I wish I had been more stressed about my turkey and how the table looked. I wish I would’ve yelled at my kids more.”

You’re probably going to say things like, “I wish I had been more present. I wish I laughed more. I wish I savored and enjoyed my time as a mom. I can't believe how fast it went.”

I want you to choose right now how you want to reflect back on this time and how you want to show up.

This perspective will help you get out of thinking that things need to be perfect in order to be good.

Problems are coming. Meltdowns and chaos are coming. And when it happens, I want you to think about how future you might think of this moment. Will it make a great story someday? Find the lightness, laughter and joy in it. Because it’s only one day.

Chase the Feeling

Before any event, I always ask myself how I want to feel while I’m in that experience. What feeling am I chasing? For me, it’s usually joy. But sometimes it’s ease, safety, empowerment or contentment.

Whatever feeling you’re chasing is just right. Name it. Because the truth is you cannot get something unless you know what you want.

Then, decide what you need to be thinking in order to feel that feeling. If you want to feel joy, you might think things like, “I enjoy being with my family. I like this meal. This is fun.”

Write out 5 thoughts that you want to think during Thanksgiving. I recommend writing them in the notes app on your phone or in Google Keep, screenshot it and make it your wallpaper so you can look at it whenever you're looking at your phone.

If you need some ideas, here are a few of my favorite thoughts:

I choose peace and harmony over stress and perfection.
I always have permission to pause.
This is temporary.
Kids misbehave, and that’s normal.

This last one is especially helpful if you come from a dysfunctional family where your emotions were not allowed or validated - I am a cycle breaking parent, and that is hard but important. I can do it. I will not dump my feelings on my kids. I am an amazing mom right now exactly as I am.

This week, I hope you’ll take some time to think through your Thanksgiving day, figure out when you're going to support your kids, preset your nervous system, imagine future you, and then chase the feelings that you want.

You’ll Learn:

Why kids misbehave on holidays
Strategies to prepare for a calm Thanksgiving with kids
Ways to connect with your child throughout the day
What to do if your kid has a meltdown during Thanksgiving dinner
5 of my favorite thoughts for you to borrow

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Social Engineering in Parenting with Jennifer Delliquadri Nov 09, 2023

Today’s episode is a collaboration with my friend, Jennifer Delliquadri, and her podcast Raising Happy Teens. We’re diving into the concept of social engineering in parenting and the urge we often feel to shield our kids from discomfort and keep them on the “right” path.

My guest, Jennifer Delliquadri, is a life coach for teenagers and their parents. With over 14 years of experience working as a classroom teacher, Jennifer is an expert at connecting with teens. She’s also a certified yoga instructor with years of experience teaching meditation and mindfulness to all ages. When she’s not coaching, you’ll find her volunteering at a local dog shelter, spending time outdoors, and hanging out with her husband and two teenage daughters.

Join us as we talk about what social engineering is, what it looks like in parenting, why it’s a problem and how to put more trust in yourself and your child. We’ll challenge the idea that discomfort is bad and look at how it actually provides our kids with valuable experiences and opportunities for growth.

What Is Social Engineering in Parenting?

You may not have heard the term social engineering before, but I bet you’ve seen it (in other families or in your own). Social engineering is purposely orchestrating your child's environment for maximum popularity and success and minimum disappointment.

Social engineering seeks to create a situation where a kid is never put in the position to be hurt or disappointed. The parent tries to inoculate them from social harm.

It’s kinda like putting bowling alley bumpers on your kid’s life so that they stay in the lane that you want for them and don’t fall into the gutter.

It creeps into academics, athletics, other extracurriculars and even kids’ social lives. And it can cause a lot of problems for kids, even though that’s exactly what parents are trying to avoid.

Where Does Social Engineering Come From?

There are few common sources of this desire to control and engineer a child’s life, and most are based in fear. Guilt, insecurity and societal pressure often come into play, as well.

The parents that Jennifer and I see in our coaching practices are often so afraid. They fear that their kids will be uncomfortable, they won’t be in the right social groups or have all the advantages other kids may have. They fear their kids will fall behind and not have access to opportunities. And they fear that others will judge their parenting.

It’s likely that you’ve experienced some (or all) of these fears, too.

Between school, sports and other enrichment activities, kids these days are so busy. Parents see what other families are doing and think it’s normal, or even expected. Moms, especially, think they’re not doing enough for their kids. They think they could (and should) be doing more.

We also want our kids to be successful and happy. So when we see them disappointed, it feels bad to us. If you felt left out or like you didn’t belong when you were younger, you might want to protect your kid from feeling that same hurt and insecurity. Or maybe you want to give your kids things you didn’t have -experiences or opportunities that you felt you missed out on in your own childhood or adolescence.

Basically, we feel like it’s our responsibility to make sure our kids are okay. And this pressure leads to overparenting.

Why Social Engineering Is Harmful

There’s an energy in mom culture right now, an undercurrent of anxiety and scarcity. From an early age, we’re already worried about our kids going to the right school, getting good grades and getting into college.

From working with teens, we’ve seen that even when the path is paved, it doesn’t guarantee that a kid gets into their dream school. The path a parent paves for them might not be their path at all.

Often, social engineering comes from the parent wanting more for their kid than the kid actually needs or would benefit from.

We can’t truly know which experiences and relationships are going to be in the best service of our kids. When we over-engineer and manipulate their social circle and activities, we could be denying them valuable experiences.

The deeper problem with engineering the outside is that we’re not actually building them up from the inside. Without the opportunity to explore and find their own way, kids don’t know who they are, they struggle with identity or they’ve worked so hard to achieve that they end up in a mental health crisis.

When parents do everything for their kids, it robs them of the opportunity to develop a good work ethic and positive self esteem. Confidence comes from overcoming challenges. Good relationships with others begin with a good relationship with yourself.

What To Do Instead

You cannot orchestrate perfection. And even if you could, perfection doesn’t prevent pain. Your kids are going to go through hard things. They’re going to feel sad, disappointed and lonely at times.

Supporting Yourself

Supporting your child starts with you being able to handle your own feelings so that you can then hold space for your kid when they are experiencing difficult things.

Start by putting less pressure on yourself and knowing that you are good enough. You can feel sufficient, trust yourself and know that you’re still good enough as a parent even when your kid is misbehaving or they make a poor choice or are not included or don’t make the team or fail a test.

Next, practice pausing. Pause before emailing the teacher. Pause before reaching out to ask another parent why your kid wasn’t invited to the party. And while you’re paused, ask yourself, “How could this circumstance serve my kid?” This will help you calm your nervous system and reframe the situation.

Supporting Your Kid

I believe that the antidote to fear is unconditional acceptance. I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you - just as they are, right now. When you can let go of the expectations of what you thought parenting would be like, what you thought your kid would be like, you can hold space for who they’re actually becoming.

You’ll also need to get comfortable with your kid’s discomfort. Parents often think that something has gone wrong if their child is sad, lonely or disappointed. But if you can come alongside and hold space for their feelings, it lets them know that their feelings are real and valid and gives them time to move through the emotion.

Embrace curiosity. How might they be feeling? What’s really going on here? Let them problem-solve with you about how to handle a difficult situation.

When you believe that your kid is (and will be) okay, they can borrow your belief. Think of your thoughts and feelings about your kid as a gift that you can give them. This becomes their self-concept.

Supporting Your Family

Step into your role as the leader of your family. Look at the big picture and ask yourself, “What is it that works best for my family? What does emotional well being actually look like? What do my kids really need? What does success in parenting look like for me?”

Look at it through the filter of what you want to make room for, rather than just trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing.

I define success in parenting as emotional health because I believe that if you are emotionally healthy, other successes become easier. You’re willing to take risks, have good relationships, develop passions and interests, set goals and overcome obstacles.

The parents we talk to (and we’d venture to say the majority of parents out there) don’t really care about the shiny gold medal. They just want their kids to be happy.

That happiness isn’t going to come from the outside. It doesn’t come from being invited to all the parties or getting all the recognition. It comes from that feeling that, no matter what, they’re okay.

You’ll Learn:

What social engineering looks like in parenting, where it comes from and why it’s a problem
How a Positive Parenting Vision can help you let go of fear and trust that your kid will be ok
Questions to ask yourself when you think about your child’s future
Strategies to help you trust in yourself and your kid

Connect with Jennifer:

Learn about working with Jennifer at https://www.jenniferdelliquadri.com/
Follow Jennifer on Instagram @jennifer.delliquadri and TikTok @jennifer.delliquadri
Listen to Jennifer’s podcast episode on Letting Go Of Expectations: The Key To Better Parenting for Teenagers

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When Kids Are Sick at Home Nov 02, 2023

Cold and flu season is here, and it’s just a reality that kids get sick a lot (which can be really stressful for parents). Today, I’ll help you manage when kids are sick at home.

While taking care of sick kids is a part of parenting, it is also a big disruption to your life. And if they’re not sleeping well, it can be pretty exhausting, too. In this episode, I’m sharing ways to manage your mind and energy when kids are sick, how to create a sick day plan and what to do with them while they’re home.

Before we really get into it, there are a few thoughts that I think really help when your kids are sick at home.

Thought #1: This is normal. As I researched this episode, I came across a statistic that small children routinely get 8 to 10 colds or viruses per year. That's nearly 1 per month! I don’t share this to worry you, but to let you know that it is totally normal for your kids to get sick (and it does get better as they get older).

Thought #2: It is not your fault that your kid is sick. It's not because you're not a good mom. It's not because you aren't feeding them right or they're not good about handwashing. Even in a “perfect” scenario, kids are going to get sick sometimes.

Thought #3: You are not powerless. You may not have control over the timing of your kid’s sickness, but you are not powerless in how you handle it.

Manage Your Mindset When Kids Are Sick

There are two parts that are frustrating when it comes to having a sick kid at home: The disruption to your routine and the exhaustion and energy drain.

You are entitled to feel that frustration, but I don’t want you to stay stuck there.

There are strategies you can use to manage your mind and feel better about the situation when your kid is sick at home.

Adjust your schedule

Maybe you have a big meeting at work, plans with a friend or a doctor’s appointment on the calendar. Look at the calendar and see what you can be rescheduled or put off to make the next few days as simple as possible.

Shift your priorities

Imagine a Ferris Wheel. Each bucket or seat holds some part of your life - physical health, mental health, social life, hobbies, work, your kids, etc.

When things are flowing and the Ferris Wheel is turning, everything has a place and moves along beautifully. But there are also times (like when the Ferris Wheel is loading or unloading) when things stop, and only the bucket at the top is getting the good view.

When your kid is sick, for instance, you aren’t going to be able to take care of ALL the other things on the Ferris Wheel. I like to remind myself that the things at the bottom of the Ferris Wheel are still there and that I trust myself to get back to them once the wheel is turning again.

Remember, this is a temporary adjustment. When your kid is feeling better, you can readjust your priorities again and do a little catch-up.

Lower your standards

You probably have some rhythms and routines around the things that are important to you. As a mom, you take care of a lot of things. And there are times when you can't take care of them all.

Maybe you only allow your kid to sleep in their own bed, and they want to sleep with you. Maybe you have rules around screentime, but you decide it’s okay for them to lay and watch Daniel Tiger all day when they’re sick. Or they don’t have much of an appetite and don’t eat their vegetables.

Changing the routine for a few days is okay! You can still set boundaries around what they’re watching etc., but know that it’s an unusual circumstance that won’t last forever.

Rest when they rest

When your kid is first sick, they might nap a lot or want to snuggle up with you more than usual. You do not need to spend this time running around and trying to get a bunch of stuff done.

Taking care of a sick kid is not easy. It’s work. Rest so that you can have patience with them. Rest so you can keep yourself healthy.

Use the 3 Rs to regulate your nervous system

What we really want to avoid is you dumping all of your frustration and fatigue onto your kid. Compassion fatigue is real, so you have to work extra hard at regulating your nervous system and stress response so that you have the capacity to keep showing up for them.

Rhythm: Move your body. Do a little stretching or a workout. Put on some music and dance. Get your energy up and out of your body.

Relationship: Talk or vent to your partner, friend or family member. Get some emotional support.

Reward: Get a little dopamine hit. Sometimes getting a small task done can make you feel good, but make sure you’re doing it with the intention of helping yourself (not just powering through a to-do list).

Get a break if you can

Take a break to shower, lay down, go for a walk, meet up with a friend, etc. If you have a partner, ask for their help so that you can step away from nursing duty for a little while. Be clear and communicate your need for support. Then follow through.

Often, moms (especially stay-at-home moms) think it’s our job to be on duty ALL the time. But if you have a partner, it is their job to take care of their child, too. They might say no, but it is still important to invite them to participate in that parenting with you.

Prepare For When Kids Are Sick at Home

Being prepared can help us feel less overwhelmed when things get thrown off. Here are a few simple ways to be ready for the next time your kid is sick.

Create a sick day kit

This doesn’t have to be super Pinterest-y. It’s meant to be practical. Keep this kit in its own bin or bag and away from kids - sick days only!

Some ideas of things to put in your kit are new coloring or activity books, stickers, a new stuffed animal, puzzle, craft kits, fresh Play Doh, a “sick day” cup, bath bomb or special snacks. You’ll also want a box of Kleenex, throat lozenges for older kids and medicines like Tylenol. A humidifier, throw-up bucket and plastic bags are also good to have on hand.

Make a sick day plan

Decide with your partner in advance who will take care of the kids if they are sick. How many days is that parent expected to take care of the kid? Is there a point when the other parent will need to tap in? It’s usually not realistic for this to be completely equal, but there should be some sort of balance so that it feels respectful of both people.

If you aren’t partnered, or your partner is not able to take time off, think outside the box about how you can get a little extra support from another family member, neighbor, babysitter etc. Even just someone who can come over while your kid is napping so you can take a shower.

Talk to your supervisor and colleagues at work about what will happen if you need to stay home with sick kids. Can you make a plan to work remotely or create some other backup plan?

Think about activities for sick days

These are meant to be activities you can do while your kids are sick that aren’t exhausting for you. A few ideas:

Make a pillow fort (it also gives them a cozy little place to rest)
Have a bubble bath
Have a tea party
Do a simple craft
Watch a movie together
Serve breakfast or lunch in bed
Play a board game or cards
FaceTime relatives
Sit outside on a blanket if the weather is nice (or just look out your window at cars going by, birds, clouds, etc.)
Go for a walk

The last day of illness is the worst day. They’re too sick to go to school, but they’re not sick enough to rest all day. You’re also probably a little worn by this point, but if you let them watch TV all day, they get wild.

This is the day you go for a walk or to the park. Run a couple of errands. Start having them catch up on school work they missed. You can start to treat it like a normal day with more normal rhythms and limits.

Maybe you can even celebrate a little because, deep down in your heart, you know they're going to school the next day, and you're almost done!

I hope these tips help you feel prepared as we head into the winter season and all the gunk that comes with it. It's okay to take care of your kids and yourself if you're sick. And it’s easier to manage when you have a plan.

You’ll Learn:

3 thoughts to help you calm yourself when your kids are sick at home
6 tips to adjust to kids being home sick
Why life is like a Ferris Wheel
How to create a simple sick day kit to have at the ready
Conversations to have as you create your sick day plan

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Parenting With The Enneagram Oct 26, 2023

I admit, I’m a little obsessed with the Enneagram. And, of course, I’m also obsessed with tools that can help you in parenting. Today, we’re combining the two (along with some expert advice) on parenting with the Enneagram.

The Enneagram is a personality test that explains how we react to and relate with the world. In this episode, my guest TJ will share a little bit about the Enneagram and how you can apply this tool to parenting.

TJ Teems is a counselor, teacher, Certified Enneagram Educator and mom to three teenagers. She is passionate about pursuing personal growth throughout life, and has found the Enneagram to be especially helpful in this goal.

What Is The Enneagram?

TJ explains the Enneagram as a personality theory that describes how we see the world. It’s like we each have our own set of binoculars, and depending on our Enneagram number, there are certain things that we see and understand very well, while we miss other things that are sort of like blindspots.

The goal in learning your number is to celebrate what you see well and open your mind to what you might be missing, what is still there for you to learn.

She says it’s a tool that is used for personal growth, self-awareness and relationships. It has a ton of different applications, and it’s been around for over 2,000 years!

Parenting With The Enneagram

TJ reminds us that no Enneagram number is better than another. No number is good or bad. It’s just information that encourages you to notice your strengths, blindspots, what you tend to focus on and why you do things the way you do.

Each Enneagram has a “superpower” and a “downfall”. It’s often when we over-use the superpower that things can get distorted and become a downfall.

As we work through each of the 9 Enneagram types, TJ shares how they show up in parenting, how you can use your strengths to better support your kid and what to look out for. She also helps us to simplify it further by grouping the 9 types into three “stances”.

Note: If you want to find out your number before going any further, you can take a test here and, as usual, there are even more details and tips in the full podcast episode.

The Dependent (or Earning) Stance includes Enneagrams 1, 2 & 6. These types make sense of the world through relationships. They tend to be emotionally intuitive, compassionate and concerned with the greater good.

While they are all caretakers, 1s care more for their environment, 2s for individual relationships and 6s for the group.

Enneagram 1 is "The Perfectionist/Reformer" They seek a perfect world and work diligently to improve both themselves and the world and people around them. They are often very organized and driven to make the world a better place. The downside is that they can be overly critical and focused on details that don’t really matter to others. This parent might be concerned with needing to do it all and do it almost perfectly. This might show up in homework, grades, chores or extracurricular activities.

Enneagram 2 is known as "The Helper/Befriender". They want to be liked, try to meet the needs of others, and attempt to orchestrate the people and events in their lives. Enneagram 2 parents can be really warm and encouraging. They tend to be very intuitive and relational and connected with feelings. On the flip side, because they also want their kids to be liked, they can tend to micromanage their kids and overdo things in an effort to “help” them. A good question for Enneagram 2 parents (like me) to ask themselves is, “Is my helping helping?”

Enneagram 6 is "The Questioner/Loyalist". 6s have insightful minds, are prone to worry, and create worst-case scenarios to help themselves feel prepared in case something goes wrong. This makes them vigilant and protective parents. However, they can tend to communicate to their kids that the world is unsafe. Loyalists are also the do-ers. They’re very group-minded, show up and get stuff done.

The Independent (or Aggressive/Assertive) Stance includes Enneagrams 3, 7 & 8. These types make sense of the world through action. They tend to be high-energy, direct and persuasive.

This group is really future-oriented. They are about forward motion and energy, but often struggle with feelings. Feelings can slow progress down and make things confusing. They must work to balance feelings with actions.

Enneagram 3 is called "The Succeeder/Achiever" . They're really focused on being seen as successful and organize their lives to achieve specific goals. Notice that the focus is not just on being successful, but appearing successful in order to gain the respect and admiration of others. 3s have a lot of energy and capacity and can get a LOT done in a day. They’re great cheerleaders and encouragers to their kids, but problems can arise when their kids are not interested or able to do things to the level the parent expects.

Enneagram 7 is "The Adventurer/Enthusiast". 7s crave the stimulation of new ideas, people, and experiences. These parents are great at having fun, being spontaneous and thinking outside the box. They can really open their kids’ eyes to what is possible. However, because 7s avoid pain, they might also avoid discipline. They can also struggle to deal with sadness, boredom and other unpleasant feelings - in themselves and in their kids.

Enneagram 8, or "The Asserter/Challenger", pursues truth, wants to make important things happen and tries to keep situations under control to suppress their vulnerability. 8s value strength and justice and see things in black-and-white terms. They fight to protect their kids (like 6s), but it is from a viewpoint of having full confidence in their kids, rather than their kids needing their help. They’re supportive parents, but it can often be a little intense and alienate their kids. 8s might also struggle with emotions and push for action, no matter how their child is feeling at the time.

The Withdrawn Stance includes Enneagrams 4, 5 & 9. These types make sense of the world through ideas. They tend to be curious, observant, self-aware, imaginative and insightful.

When problems arise, people in the withdrawn stance go deal with it, then retreat back inside to their safe place. They often need a lot of that “inside” time alone.

Enneagram 4 is "The Individualist/Creative". They desire deep connections both with their own interior worlds and with other people, and they feel most alive when they authentically express their feelings. They want to be unique and different, rather than settle for the status quo. As parents, 4s are great at giving the gift of creativity and imagination, as well as talking about life and feelings with their kids. However, if they have a child who wants to fit in, they might feel like they’re letting the parent down. These parents can also tend to focus and dwell on sad or negative feelings.

Enneagram 5, "The Observer/Investigator'', has a thirst for knowledge. They’re driven by a need to understand things on a deeper level. These parents might have knowledge on a ton of different subjects. Because 5s tend to be unemotional, these parents can be very calm problem solvers. On the downside, they can get bogged down with information and details and overexplain things to their kids (who usually just check out). They can also detach emotionally from others, including not valuing their kids’ emotions.

Finally, Enneagram 9 is known as "The Peacemaker/Mediator". 9s seek harmony, and positive mutual regard. They give off a vibe of peace, and they don’t want anything to disrupt their equilibrium. These parents are able to be accepting, nonjudgmental and inclusive. Wherever their kids are coming from, whatever they’re dealing with, they are truly seen. 9s are also really good listeners. Because they want to maintain peace, they try to avoid conflict, tension and ill will. This makes it difficult for 9s to advocate for themselves, and they struggle with disappointing their kids because they want to protect that connection.

With any Enneagram number, there are a few questions you can ask yourself to use your number to your advantage in parenting:

What are the positive ways my Enneagram shows up in my parenting?
What unintentional message might I be sending to my kid?
What expectations am I sending to my kid?

Keep in mind, TJ cautions us about trying to type our kids (or anyone else, for that matter). She says that the Enneagram is not just about behavior, but the motivation behind it. Assuming who someone is based on their behavior alone can be harmful, and just feels really yucky. We want our kids to experience the journey of self-discovery for themselves.

Knowing yourself is the priority with the Enneagram. It’s a framework for understanding all these different viewpoints, and that is what will give you compassion for your kids.

As we bring the Enneagram into our families, it’s an opportunity to be curious about the behaviors we see and the thoughts and feelings that are driving them.

You’ll Learn:

My Enneagram number and why I was a little embarrassed about it at first
How to learn your Enneagram number
Strengths and weaknesses of each number when it comes to parenting
3 questions to ask yourself related to parenting with your Enneagram

Connect with TJ & the Enneagram

Learn more about TJ’s upcoming retreat, private and small-group coaching and speaking engagements at tjteems.com
Follow her on Instagram @growingwiththeenneagram
Learn more about the Enneagram
Take the test

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Bullying Oct 19, 2023

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re diving deep into the topic of bullying. Bullying can be a difficult and painful experience for kids and parents alike.

None of us want our kids to be the bully, and we also don’t want them to be bullied.

Today, I’ll describe what bullying actually is (and what it is not) and help you learn to spot the risk factors and signs that your kid is being bullied or that your kid is doing the bullying. And, of course, I’ll help you figure out what to do about it if you find your kid in either situation.

What Is Bullying?

StopBullying.gov explains bullying as unwanted and aggressive behavior among school age children, middle schoolers and teenagers that also involves a real or perceived power imbalance.

There are really three parts to bullying: the behavior being unwanted, the imbalance of power and repetition of the behavior.

We know how to recognize when a behavior is unwanted. The kid being bullied doesn’t like it. They ask the other person to stop or try to get away from the behavior.

The imbalance of power is a little trickier. It can be physical strength, access to embarrassing information or social status. Some of these are easy to see, while others are not obvious. Whatever the advantage, it is then used to control or harm someone else.

The power dynamic is also not permanent. Kids go through growth spurts, social circles change and it can be different from one setting to another.

Repetition tells us that bullying is not a one-off thing. It has the potential to happen more than once, because the other person is vulnerable in some way. In order to stop the bullying, we need to change something about the circumstance.

4 Types of Bullying

Within this definition, there are four main types of bullying .

Verbal Bullying involves saying or writing mean things. Teasing can become bullying if it’s paired with an imbalance of power and repetition. Name-calling, inappropriate sexual comments, taunting and threats are all examples of verbal bullying.

Social Bullying or relational bullying involves hurting someone's reputation or relationships. This can look like intentionally leaving one kid out, telling other kids not to be friends with someone, spreading rumors, calling attention to differences or embarrassing someone.

Physical Bullying involves hurting someone’s body or their things - hitting, kicking, punching, spitting, taking or breaking someone’s things, making mean hand gestures, etc.

Cyberbullying is any type of bullying that happens digitally on phones, computers, texts, social media or other devices or online forums. Cyberbullying is really hard to get away from and can be even more persistent than other types. It’s a 24-hour a day risk. It’s also more permanent because there is a digital footprint. These, combined with the fact that we often aren’t seeing it happen makes cyberbullying especially scary for parents because it feels harder to protect our kids.

Early Childhood and Bullying

At some point both of my kids were accused of bullying other kids. I also see this come up with my clients, especially when their kids are younger.

Around preschool, ages 3 through 5 or 6, we often start to hear about bullying. But that’s not actually what is happening in most cases.

At this age, kids are learning how to cooperate and share. They're learning how to understand their feelings. And in that process, they might be aggressive or act out and get angry when they don't get what they want.

But that is not bullying. It is normal developmental stuff.

Our challenge here is to continue teaching them how to manage their emotions and how their behavior impacts others so that we prevent them from becoming bullies later on.

We don’t ignore the behavior, but we also don’t need to start labeling them. Instead, help them regulate their emotions, set boundaries around what’s allowed at school or home and let them deal with the impact of their behavior.

Children At Risk of Being Bullied

Unfortunately, kids who seem different from their peers are a bit at risk. Perceived differences like being new to the school, looking different or not dressing the same as their peer group can create a risk factor.

However, kids who are really confident in the way that they’re different are a lot less at risk because they aren’t perceived as weak or vulnerable.

So it’s really a combination of factors that put a kid at risk, including perceived difference, not defending themselves, low self esteem or inability to read social cues.

The solution is not changing the way kids look to help them fit in. The real solution is helping them to love themselves and feel good about who they are and how they show up in the world…whatever that looks like for them. That confidence is almost like a shield against being bullied. And if they do experience some bullying behavior, being able to stand up for themselves is likely to shut that behavior down.

Children More Likely to Bully Others

There are typically two scenarios in which kids participate in bullying behavior.

The first is a kid who has a lot of social power and wants to keep it that way. At the core, this child doesn’t feel secure in their social standing, so they push others down in order to protect their position. This looks like a popular kid who is bullying.

On the other end of the spectrum is a kid who feels very isolated from their peers. This child has likely already experienced some bullying themselves and has felt separate from their peer group. They might struggle with anxiety, low self esteem and be less involved in school and other activities. They‘re trying to show that they don’t care about being left out by being mean and trying to get some power over others.

Some of the signs that your kid might be bullying others are that they are aggressive or easily frustrated. They may take that anger and dump it onto another kid. Or they might hold it inside, which leads to poor self esteem.

Kids who don’t know how to handle their big feelings might put down other kids, not follow rules or think the rules don’t apply to them.

Bullying is often an emotional regulation problem. They don’t know what to do with their anger and frustration. Bullying isn’t a character defect. It’s a sign that the child is struggling.

Signs a Child Is Being Bullied

On their own, many of the signs on this list are normal kid behavior. If you’re seeing several signs grouped together, though, it might indicate that your child is experiencing bullying.

Loss of friends or avoiding social situations
Frequent headaches, stomachaches, feeling sick or faking illness (anxiety showing up in the body)
Difficulty sleeping, nightmares or night waking
Declining grades of lack of interest in schoolwork
Not wanting to go to school, sports or other activities

These types of insecure behavior might point to social bullying.

You might also notice signs of physical bullying, like:

Unexplainable injuries
Destroyed clothing
Lost or damaged books, jewelry, electronics or other items

Tips for Dealing With Bullying

If you notice some of these signs or feel in your intuition like something is off, the first step is just to be curious and wonder what could be going on. Then, you can try some of the tips below.

Talk about bullying with your kid

Let them know that bullying happens sometimes. Talk about what to do if they see it and how they can help a kid who is being bullied.

One way is to walk over next to the person who’s being bullied and say something like, “I’ve been looking for you. Come over with me.” or “The teacher sent me to find you. Come with me.”

And they don’t have to go it alone. A bystander can gather a group of kids to walk over, say, “You’re being mean. We don’t like this,” and all walk away together. Of course, they can also ask a teacher or parent for help.

Practice responding to bullying

Talk about what would happen if they were the one being bullied. What would they do? What would they say? It can be as simple as saying, “I don’t wanna talk to you right now,” and walking away.

Not engaging or showing emotion is the best way to respond, because the person who is bullying is looking for a reaction (which only fuels the situation further). Have your kid practice staying calm, looking you in the eye and saying what they’d say.

Teach your child respectful self-assertion

You can also teach your child that they can be assertive and stand up for themself. They don’t have to always be nice. Teach them to say, “Hey, stop that,” or “Hands off my body” or “I don’t like being called that.”

Teach your child basic social skills

Kids who bully often prey on kids who are perceived as vulnerable. We want to teach them lots of social skills, which will give them more confidence.

You can role play and practice lots of scenarios. If you see a group playing and want to join in, how do you ask? How do you want to introduce yourself to new kids at a party? How do you want to invite a friend over to play?

If your kid is being bullied

Go to the supervising adult in the situation, like their teacher or coach. Talk about what’s happening, how you can protect your child and separate from the other kid until everybody is safe.

Ultimately, there are a few things that can make a huge difference when it comes to bullying: Your child having a good relationship with themself, a good relationship with you and emotional regulation skills.

Help your child develop a positive self concept (the collection of thoughts they have about themself). Use Kind External Parent Talk (KEPT) to offer them thoughts like, I am strong, I am capable, People like me. I belong.

Nurture a good relationship with your child so that they feel safe enough to share with you what's happening.

Teach your kid emotional regulation skills. My programs are designed around raising emotionally healthy kids of all ages. When a child feels good about themself and can see the impact their behavior has on others, they’re much less likely to bully. We’re inoculating our kids and boosting them from the inside out so they don’t fall into the traps of being bullied or bullying others.

Resources:

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Understanding ADHD Oct 12, 2023

Understanding ADHD in kids and how to best support them can be pretty overwhelming (I know from experience), so today I’m so excited to have an expert here with me to help you through it!

Lainie Donnell is an educational therapist, a college counselor, and the cofounder of Lila Learning. For the past 16 years, Lainie has been in private practice as an educational therapist and college counselor, bringing to her clients an empathic, enthusiastic and pragmatic approach to their educational journeys.

Her philosophy has been to meet her students where they are currently functioning and help to develop their skills, providing them with a “toolbox” to meet their challenges head-on.

She’s here today to share her expertise on ADHD - from how it might show up in kids to ways you can address challenges related to ADHD and find support for your child.

Lainie’s own experiences with dyslexia, auditory and visual processing issues and ADHD led her to this work. During college, she fell in love with teaching and the classroom and got her Masters degree in special education.

She says that as a child, even though she had a lot of support, she continued to struggle. Finally being diagnosed with ADHD in the 10th grade gave her a new understanding of herself and how she functions (in her case, meds helped a lot, too).

Lainie’s children also have ADHD, so it is both a professional and deeply personal topic for her that is infused into all areas of her life.

Parents of kids with any kind of neurodivergence often feel fear around their future and ability to be successful.

Lainie says, “There are so many success stories, and I just think it's a matter of approach and attitude and a willingness to embrace.”

What is ADHD?

ADHD refers to issues with self-regulation, working memory, sensory integration and the self-management part of the brain.

Beyond the general diagnosis of ADHD, there are also three subtypes: inattentive, hyperactive and combined.

The inattentive subtype is actually over-attention. The child is paying attention to too many things at a given time. There is too much stimulation, and they can’t prioritize where their attention should go. These kids may not have a lot of behavior issues because they sit quietly, drifting off. Think of a classroom setting with many other students around, stuff hanging on the walls, sounds out in the hallway, etc. all competing with the teacher’s voice.

The hyperactive-impulsive subtype is what it sounds like. The child doesn’t think before they act. They understand consequences but just don’t think about them ahead of time. These are the kids who are often labeled “bad” early on because their hyperactive and impulsive behavior is much more obvious.

The combined subtype combines elements of both. Inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity might show up at different times and in different situations.

ADHD affects many areas of executive function. Think of executive function like the conductor of an orchestra in your brain. It tells you when to get started with a task, when to manage your time, when to shift to another task, etc.

Working memory is one piece of executive function. It allows us to hold on to information while we’re manipulating it and doing something else. It shows up in so many areas of life, including math, writing and social interactions.

In kids, this might look like interrupting or not responding to social cues. It doesn’t mean that they don’t understand those cues. It’s simply a challenge for them to notice the cue, pay attention to the other person and also hold on to what they want to say.

In the ADHD brain, development of executive function is delayed 3 years, on average. This is one reason why kids with ADHD struggle in relation to their neurotypical peers.

Understanding ADHD Challenges and Self Esteem

Between the ages of 2 and around 5 or 6, the developmental question kids are trying to figure out is, am I good or am I bad? It’s very black and white at this age. And at this age good/bad is largely based on behavior.

As they grow between ages 6 and 12, the question they’re answering is, am I capable?

If the answer is no, they don’t think they’re capable, it creates more struggle in academics, learning and trying new things.

As Lainie explains, school can be a challenging environment for kids with ADHD. Their self esteem gets wrapped up in recognition, success and benchmarks - academic and social. If they aren’t getting the stars, stickers and check marks, it starts to tear away at kids’ self esteem and there becomes a clear divide between ability levels.

And the cycle perpetuates itself, because when kids have low self esteem and are unhappy, the learning stops.

To parents and caregivers, ADHD can look like a disorder of choice or motivation. They might even view it as laziness. But in the vast majority of cases, no kid wants to fail or let down their teachers or parents. Kids are motivated to please and do well. If they’re not meeting the expectations, it’s because something is in their way.

Signs of ADHD

With little kids, we (the parents) act as their executive function, but you might notice issues with impulse control or dysregulation, hyperfocus at some times and inattention at others.

During adolescence, the signs might become more clear. Some common observations include:

Living in the gap between intention and follow through
Not writing down school assignments
Piles of wrappers and stuff in their backpack
Sensory integration issues (when combined with other signs)
Procrastination

As moms, it’s often hard to know what’s “normal”, especially since there is such a wide range in development among kids. But you might have a feeling in your gut that something is off.

Your pediatrician is a great place to start the conversation. You can also seek out a developmental physician specializing in ADHD, a neuropsych evaluation or other experts.

If a diagnosis comes, it can actually be a gift to your kid. The challenges they’re facing aren’t their fault, and it takes that weight off of them. That doesn’t mean they don’t have to pay attention or do homework. It just means that you can work together to figure out a different way that works for them. The diagnosis will help inform what skills you need to be teaching and what support will help your child most.

Tips for Parenting a Kid with ADHD

Lainie shared some of her top tips for parents of kids with ADHD.

Teach using the “I do, we do, you do” approach. We can’t expect to go totally hands off as our kids get into middle school and high school and expect them to manage their time, schoolwork and other responsibilities all on their own. We have to teach it so that they can do it.

Stop “shoulding” your kid. Instead of thinking they should know this already or they should do something differently, meet them where they are and help them along to where they can be.

Create structure and routine. The ADHD brain thrives on structure but is unable to create it.

Start early working with kids on due dates and planning. Include them in the planning process and choose a paper planner or calendar.

Create a workspace that feels calm, clear and spacious.

Keep morning and afternoon routines very simple and limit the amount of toys, clothes, shoes, etc. so it isn’t overwhelming.

There will likely be resistance, but it is so worthwhile to help your child learn these skills that will support them throughout the rest of their life.

If you’ve been nodding along, this all sounds SO familiar and you want more support, Lainie offers lots of great resources, including the planner, binder, workshops for parents and students and college counseling (links below).

You’ll Learn:

Why understanding how your kid’s brain works can be so helpful in parenting
When you might see intense attention or hyperfocus in your kid, even if they often struggle to focus
Common signs of ADHD and what to do if you think your kid may have ADHD
How to support your child with ADHD and give them the skills they need to thrive

Connect with Lainie:

Learn more about Lainie’s work and services on her website.
Get the LiLa planner or binder system (created by Lainie and her business partner) and check out workshops at www.lilalearning.com
Search for an educational therapist near you through the Association of Educational Therapists

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Mamas Tell Their Stories Oct 05, 2023

Today (for the first time ever!) I’ve invited a couple of mamas onto the podcast to tell their stories of taking the Emotionally Healthy Kids parenting class.

I am so excited for you to hear straight from other moms who have been exactly where you might be right now. They’ll tell you all about why they signed up, their experience in the class and the impact it had on their parenting and beyond.

Be sure to listen to the full podcast episode to hear Nicole’s and Kristin’s stories in their own words.

Nicole’s Story

“If you could give your class to every parent ever, I think we actually could change the world for generations.”

When Nicole first found me, she felt like she was totally failing as a mom. Everything was a little out of hand and overwhelming, and she wasn’t showing up as the mom she wanted to be.

She was trying to run a business, be a spouse, maintain friendships and care for herself…all while her daughter was starting to show some behaviors that Nicole wasn’t prepared for, like bedtime defiance and outbursts.

What she was doing wasn’t working. She was wasting her energy and upsetting her daughter even more. She wanted a better way, but she just didn’t have the tools. Like many parents I work with, she just wanted me to tell her how to get her kid to behave.

Nicole’s first “aha” moment came when she learned to reframe her daughter’s behavior. Her daughter isn’t a bad or defiant kid. She’s having really big emotions. Nicole realized that she was having a lot of big feelings, too, and she wasn’t dealing with it. She was the one who had to do the work.

The class shined a light on ways that she and her husband were showing up on default - generational things they hadn’t been aware of before. Now, they’ve shifted them into more intentional ways of responding, and it’s brought so much more peace to their household.

The second big realization was that she was not taking good enough care of herself physically or emotionally, and it was impacting her ability to get regulated, stay regulated and help her child through her big feelings.

She says, “As I have shifted a lot of that for myself, I'm showing up the way that I want to, and [it’s] magical, exactly how I want to actually be as a mom.” Learning how to connect with empathy for her child has given her so much more confidence.

An unexpected result of the class is that Nicole has also seen her marriage improve because of the way she can regulate herself and tune in to how her husband is feeling.

Nicole says the simple structure of the 4-step Calm Mama Process, along with clear tools and scripts are what helped her make a change and share what she was learning with her husband.

Her goal is for her daughter not to need a class like this when she grows up, because Nicole can learn it, practice it and do it now and teach her daughter these emotional regulation skills when she’s young.

“That's what I think is so beautiful about your model,” Nicole shares, “is we have room for our emotions as humans, which we all are (news flash!). And then there are still also strong boundaries, consequences when there need to be, lessons learned, but with much greater impact than any of the yelling or lecturing or frustration or blow ups were ever doing. And it's just so beautiful how it's impacted our family.”

Kristin’s Story

"Working with you…each time, I get more clarity. I feel more confident, empowered."

Kristin is a mom of five kids, ranging in age from 7-11, including twins and kids with sensory issues. She also owns and runs multiple small businesses, some of which are childcare centers and preschools.

Despite her professional experience with early childhood education, Kristin struggled in parenting. It just didn’t come easy for her. She says she spent a lot of years being really frustrated and overwhelmed as a mom.

Before the class, Kristin experienced a lot of shame and guilt. She admits, “I’ve always felt like kind of a fraud…I’m the person who owns preschools. I’m working with kids, and I’m losing my mind at home with my own children.”

Parenting felt complicated, and as her oldest entered middle school, she was afraid she’d wasted too much time or spent her energy on the wrong things.

She’d read in parenting books before that she needed to be calm...but that just made her more angry because it wasn’t clear how to actually do it.

The small group format in the Emotionally Healthy Kids course felt like a safe space to Kristin . It helped her see that she wasn’t alone. Other moms could relate to what she was going through, and she was able to learn from the other families in the group, too.

And the realistic, compassionate approach of the CALM step in the Calm Mama Process gave her practical, actionable tools to manage her stress response.

Now, she is more confident and able to connect to her kids. She knows what to do. It feels clear, simple and easy.

Her family has also benefited from more structure, smoother routines and transitions.

Kristin says that, in the past, talking to her friends or her husband about parenting often felt like “the blind leading the blind.” She needed a teacher she could trust to walk her through it.

As a busy mom and business owner, Kristin appreciated the simplified, easy-to-understand approach and time commitment of 1 hour a week for 6 weeks. She could show up, learn the material and immediately start applying and practicing it.

“I feel like I’ve won the jackpot…I cracked the code. I spent so many years being frustrated and confused and really stressed out. And I think as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser and realized, no - find your teacher and use those tools and just make it simple. So this really has been really wonderful.”

Will You Be Next?

There are two things that really stood out to me from Nicole’s and Kristin's stories.

The first was how much confidence they each had after taking the Emotionally Healthy Kids class.

That feeling of not knowing what to do, how to handle challenging situations with your kids and not being sure if you’re doing it “right” is so exhausting. It makes you feel fatigued and confused, and you can’t show up the way you want to.

Having a clear process and steps to follow, with personalized guidance for your unique situation takes away the uncertainty and confusion, so you can show up as the mom you wish you could be.

The other thing that struck me was how much these mamas believe that what they learned in the class is going to help their children long term. I loved hearing how inspired and hopeful these moms felt. This goes WAY beyond the 6 weeks of group classes.

The transformation, confidence and hope that Nicole and Kristin shared is possible for you, too. You don’t have to be in the worst possible scenario for this class to take you to the other side of peace, ease, joy and having the family that you’ve always wanted.

If you connected with either of these stories…

If you felt compelled by the things that these amazing moms said…

If you had thoughts of, “Oh, that’s me,” or “I want that,” or “Wow, I didn’t realize it was so easy”...

Then I invite you to join us in the next round of the Emotionally Healthy Kids course.

We meet as a small group, once a week for 6 weeks. I go through the whole Calm Mama Process, you can ask me questions directly and, after the class ends, you get to continue working with me for 6 months while you practice your new tools and skills.

It’s a great way to get the foundation you need in order to create the peaceful home that you deeply desire, feel calm and confident in your parenting and have a clear plan that’s easy to implement.

Click here to learn more and sign up. I would love to see you there.

You’ll Learn:

Stories of two mamas from the Emotionally Healthy Kids course (in their own words)
Their experiences before and after the class
How what they learned has changed them and their families

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Co-Regulation During a Meltdown Sep 28, 2023

Whether you call it a tantrum, meltdown or big feeling cycle, I think we can agree that these moments are overwhelming and stressful (for you and your kid). On today’s episode, we’re talking about what to do during a meltdown and the steps to co-regulation, which allows you to calm yourself and your kid at the same time.

If you're like most parents, you've had moments when your kid hits their sibling, they won't do their homework, they constantly ask for more screentime and won’t get off their device. Or you say “no” and it triggers a meltdown.

These moments can feel totally overwhelming. You might feel angry, resentful or like you are out of control and powerless in the situation. Your thoughts and feelings about your kid’s reaction can set off your stress response.

You have no idea what to do, so you yell and threaten. Then, you feel guilty and second-guess yourself as a parent.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a great parent. Let's get you out of that spiral and back on the road to parenting with peace using the power of co-regulation.

Regulating Your Stress Response

When your stress response is triggered by a meltdown, you might feel like you have to do something about it right now. Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. Your brain interprets your child’s behavior as an emergency and floods your system with a mix of hormones I like to call “stress juice”.

Your reaction might show up as yelling, threatening, talking too much, emotionally checking out or disconnecting. These reactions are all totally normal. They’re signals that you are becoming emotionally dysregulated.

Dysregulation, simply put, is a temporary emotional and physical state in which you’re struggling to understand and express your emotion in an appropriate way. We’ve all been there!

And it happens the same way for our kids.

The big challenge comes in when your kid’s dysregulation or big feeling cycle puts you into a dysregulated state, too. When you’re in your stress response, you can’t think straight. Your brain only wants you to react as quickly as possible to get out of danger.

As humans, we are going to get dysregulated. There are going to be temporary moments when we feel overwhelmed. The goals are to not get as dysregulated and to learn to calm yourself when you do.

This is self-regulation, and it’s all about calming yourself and your own stress response.

Steps to Co-Regulation During a Meltdown

My programs teach you how to regulate yourself and how to give your kid the tools they need to self-regulate. We want our kids to grow up to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about it and what to do with that feeling.

So, how do kids learn these emotional literacy skills? Through a process called co-regulation.

Most moms are experts at co-regulation when their kids are babies. We swaddle and shush and soothe because we understand that they’re newborns. They’re going to cry, and they need soothing from us. They need to learn that they are safe and okay.

This starts to become more difficult as we reach the toddler years. When we start to see tantrums and meltdowns in 2, 3, and 4-year-olds (and beyond), we think “they should know better.” But they don't. They don’t know how to deal with their feelings yet.

In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set and correct. Co-regulation falls into those first two steps. First, you calm yourself. Then, you connect with your kid.

When your kid has a big feeling cycle, it is not your job to fix anything or change the circumstance. Nothing has gone wrong. Take a pause break to calm your stress response, and then co-regulate.

So, what do you actually DO in co-regulation?

Step 1: Get calm. Co-regulation starts with you being calm and present. This means that you must self-regulate before you approach your child.

Step 2: Name and validate their feelings, using the Connection Tool. Narrate what you see and wonder how they might be feeling. Help them name the emotion. They may not have words for it yet. Let them know that whatever they’re feeling makes sense and is okay.

Step 3: Listen. Maybe they want to complain or protest.

Step 4: Offer ways to manage their big feelings. If they want to hit, offer them a pillow or your hands. If they want to kick, offer to take them outside to kick a ball.

Step 5: Trust that your child can handle their feelings. Our kids’ big feelings can seem pretty scary to us sometimes. Deep down, I want you to believe that even when they’re sad or scared or mad…that they’re okay. The emotion is temporary.

Your kid might cycle through the same big feelings over and over again (which can be exhausting for you), but the goal is to decrease the frequency, intensity and duration of those cycles.

Think like a scientist and look at the facts. How many meltdowns were there today? How intense were they? How long did they last? If you start to see these numbers go down over time, that’s your clue that you’re giving them the tools to self-regulate.

Look at it as a learning strategy, a long-term parenting goal. Just like learning the alphabet and learning to read, you are helping your kid learn emotional literacy. And it’s one of the greatest skills you can give them.

You’ll Learn:

The real reason you’re stuck in a parenting spiral of repeating yourself, yelling, threatening, guilt and second-guessing yourself
How to know if you or your child is dysregulated
A powerful thought shift to help you feel less overwhelmed by tantrums
The difference between self-regulation and co-regulation
5 steps to co-regulation with your kid

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

The 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation Sep 21, 2023

This is the podcast where you learn how to become a calm parent and raise emotionally healthy kids, but what do emotional health and emotional regulation actually mean? Today I’m sharing a framework from the book, “What Happened To You?” and outlining the 3 Rs of emotional regulation.

You can start using these simple concepts right away to help calm yourself and coach your kid when they’re having big feelings.

What Is Emotional Health?

When I talk about emotional health (which is the goal of all my programs), I'm really talking about emotional literacy.

Emotional literacy is made up of three parts:

I know what I'm feeling

I know how to talk about what I'm feeling

I know what to do with my feelings

We all have an emotional life, with lots of messy stuff inside. We're constantly responding to experiences and stimulation from the outside world. As things happen around us, we have thoughts and feelings about it. And those feelings show up as behavior.

When we are overwhelmed by a circumstance or it feels like we're in danger or something bad is about to happen, we get flooded with a lot of big feelings. When our kids act out these feelings, it often looks like temper tantrums or meltdowns. I call it a Big Feeling Cycle. When an adult gets overwhelmed, it looks like them freaking out, losing their shit and being a hot mess.

In these times, we are dysregulated. Our brain is flooded with hormones and chemicals that are meant to help us deal with a stressful situation and keep us safe. The brain wants us to respond FAST. But it ends up looking like someone who is out of control, wild or raging.

I want to help you see that that behavior is really just somebody who's struggling to manage their emotions. They're doing their best to move through their big feelings. They're in a dysregulated state, and they're doing things to regulate themselves.

Knowing what to do with feelings is the biggest thing I help parents learn - for themselves and for their kids.

Three Rs of Emotional Regulation

When you find yourself yelling at your kids, lecturing or grabbing their bodies, you are dysregulated. Your stress response is activated and you are seeking regulation.

In kids, dysregulation often looks like crying, kicking, punching, threatening or yelling. It is helpful to remember in those moments that your child is using those behaviors as tools to cope with the overwhelm.

They are trying to regulate themselves, but they don't really know how to do it in an acceptable way yet.

These 3 Rs come from the book "What Happened To You" by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey.

Rhythm

Rhythm involves moving your body in some kind of rhythmic way. It is what we do during a Pause Break. You take a break to move your body and your mind. Stomping your feet, jumping up and down, going for a walk or doing a shimmy shake are all ways that we use rhythm and movement to calm ourselves.

Relationship

This can mean your relationship with yourself or with others. In your relationship with yourself, this looks like self-compassion. Being able to put your hand on your heart and say, "Geez, this is hard. I'm very overwhelmed. These kids are a lot. I'm having a hard day." In relationship with others, it might look like calling a friend or talking to your partner for support.

Reward

Rewards are the things we do to distract ourselves and get a little dopamine kick. We might have a treat, scroll Instagram for a few minutes or get something checked off our to-do list.

All of these things are good and healthy. The key is to start having more awareness around yourself in the process. Notice when you are doing something because you are dysregulated. When you can identify it and intentionally calm yourself, it happens more quickly.

Emotional Regulation in Kids

When kids are dysregulated, they need support from the adults around them. And in order to help your kid through their big feelings, you have to be calm and regulated yourself.

Once you're calm, your child needs you to validate their emotion. Help them figure out what the heck they're feeling and let them know it's okay for them to feel that way. You may not think that whatever they're going through is a big deal, but compassion requires us to get out of criticism and judgment and get into the heart and mind of the other person.

You can validate their emotion and understand that they're mad/disappointed/sad, listen to their complaints and offer them other ways to deal with their big feelings. I call this the "Now What?" and it's where the 3Rs are really helpful.

What does your kid need?

Do they need rhythm (movement, looking at a fountain or fish tank, rocking)? What do they naturally do with their body when they're dysregulated? This can be a clue to the type of movement that will be helpful.

Do they need relationship (kindness and compassion from you)? This can be a bit confusing when you're the one who upset them by saying no, giving a consequence, etc. You can be both the adult who is helping them regulate and the adult who is helping them become responsible.

Do they need a reward? Reward in this context is a little different from how we usually think about it. Picture the reward as the feeling of relief we all feel when our Big Feeling Cycle ends. There’s a little bit of pleasure that is created from being regulated after being distressed.

Relationship and the feeling of being soothed can be a reward in and of itself.

We’re also seeking a little dopamine kick. Screens give us this, but they don’t allow us to release the built up stress hormones that are pumping through the nervous system. I love little tasks as a reward tactic. A tiny, simple task can give a little distraction and pleasure or satisfaction when it is complete.

You don’t want to always distract your kid from negative emotions (or they won’t learn to self-soothe), but these rewards or tasks can be a helpful tool at times, especially when they also involve rhythm or relationship elements.

I want to invite you to see their behavior as a strategy that they are using to cope with overwhelm or discomfort, to see their behavior and think, I think they might be dysregulated. What do they need? Rhythm, relationship or reward?

When you use the framework of seeing the behavior as an expression of unmet emotional needs or struggle, you will shift into compassion faster, and you will co regulate faster, which is amazing!

You'll Learn:

The 3 Rs of emotional regulation, and my signature Calm Mama Process that helps you regulate your own feelings and help your kids with theirs
How to show compassion, even while following through with consequences
Why distractions and screens might help end a Big Feeling Cycle, but they don’t have the long-term reward we’re looking for
The basic reward strategies I teach in my programs

Additional Resources:

My 3-part podcast series on Parenting Stress Cycles:
Part 1 - What a stress cycle is and how it shows up in parenting
Part 2 - How to get out of a parenting stress cycle
Part 3 - Reframing your child’s behavior (so you don’t get as stressed in the first place)
What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

The Adolescent Brain Sep 14, 2023

What’s going on in the adolescent brain? SO much! Between ages 12 and 24 (give or take a year or two), the brain goes through a major remodel.

Last week, I talked about how puberty is triggered by changes in hormone levels. Today, we’re diving into another process happening within the adolescent brain called pruning. I’ll help you understand the brain science behind what’s happening, why pruning happens and how it affects development.

Changes in the Adolescent Brain

The essence of adolescence can be attributed to the changes in the brain, and one of the biggest changes happening during this time is pruning.

Pruning is when the brain keeps the connections that are used frequently and discards those that don't seem to be needed anymore. It's the process that takes us from being open to anything as an elementary aged kid, to becoming an expert at a few things as an adult.

Just as you would prune extra, unneeded branches from a fruit tree to increase production, the brain is pruning extra brain cells (neurons) and connections (synapses) that are no longer needed.

As a young child, there is SO much to learn, and the brain is constantly creating new neurons to adapt to all of these new experiences and stimuli. At a certain point, it becomes too much, so the brain begins to prune unneeded neurons and synapses.

Benefits of Pruning in Adolescents

Pruning helps to make the brain more efficient and adaptable. It allows us to think and process faster, make decisions and understand things like cause and effect, time and big-picture planning.

It actually makes it easier to learn because the brain is no longer so full of things that it doesn’t need anymore. And with more space, the brain lays down new connections and circuitry toward the prefrontal cortex, where cognitive function happens.

You’ll start to see your tween or teen thinking about things differently and making better decisions as this process occurs. They are more able to think for themselves and become more responsible.

The prefrontal cortex is also where empathy lives. Our kids will have the ability to be more empathetic when they can take on the perspectives of other people.

Stress response will begin to improve. As we talked about last week, puberty creates a lot of work for the stress system in adolescent bodies, but the new circuitry in the brain will then help your kid access better coping mechanisms.

Finally, pruning can affect language and communication abilities, making it easier for your teen to express themselves. This helps maintain open lines of communication, which is crucial for healthy parent-child relationships.

Challenges of Pruning

If you think of your kid’s brain like a house, their primal fight or flight response is the basement, the emotional limbic center is the main level and the upstairs is the part of the brain that does all the thinking.

During the pruning process, the staircase is being built. But it isn’t always built in order. Some sections might be built separately or there might be stairs that lead to nowhere and need to be remodeled. It’s not always a clear, straight pathway. As you can imagine, climbing a staircase that’s missing some parts can be challenging.

And sometimes the brain overprunes (like an over-eager gardener). It might cut back too many neurons and need to rebuild them.

Some challenging behaviors you might see during this time are:

Emotional dysregulation and mood fluctuations.
Learning and academic challenges (e.g. difficulty concentrating, organizing information or adapting to new challenges). This can sometimes even look like ADHD.
Identity and self-concept. As they “try on” new identities or traits to see what fits them, it can affect their self-worth or self-esteem.
Risk-taking behavior spurred by changes in dopamine and less adult supervision.
Social issues with peers (whose brains are also going through all these changes).

Kids this age don't know who they are. They don't feel good about themselves, and they might take that out on other kids or try to people please by acting in ways that we don't approve of or even recognize.

It’s important to remember that these disruptions are completely normal AND they’re temporary.

Create a Positive Parenting Vision for Your Adolescent

Kids have to go through this process of adolescence, but it is hard to be around. Here is one simple exercise that can help you not feel so overwhelmed.

I always tell parents to parent the kid in front of you, not the one you wish they were or the one you're afraid they'll become. Fear of what they’ll become is what I see most in parents of teens.

The kid in front of you right now might be pretty challenging, but it’s normal, it’s natural and they’re struggling through this massive brain remodel.

With that in mind, I want to offer you a tool I teach in all my classes called the Positive Parenting Vision. It’s a way to get out of worst-case scenario thinking so you can show up for your kid in a supportive way.

Your kid is freaking out. They’re looking at you to see if they’re going to be okay. The Positive Parenting Vision tool helps you to trust that your kid is going to get through this and move into best-case scenario thinking. Then, they can borrow your belief in them.

Think about 10 years from now, and imagine the best scenario possible for your child’s life. Picture where they live. Picture their friendships, their relationships, the way that you connect with them. Make it fantastic (and ignore your brain when it says you can’t).

Does that make you smile? Are you so excited for them?

This is such a powerful tool because feelings are contagious. If you are worried about your kid, they’re going to be worried and feel stuck. But if they see that you believe they’re going to get through it, they can believe that, too.

This exercise, along with the other mindset exercises I teach are the ones I use all the time to get myself out of fear and into trust and hope. These exercises saved my relationship with my kids, and they’ll do the same for you.

If you want to shift your perspective so that you can show up differently, learn more about my programs here.

You’ll Learn:

What the process of pruning means for the adolescent brain, why it happens and why it’s so important
Short term problems you might experience during this developmental stage
Why pruning unneeded brain cells actually makes learning and decision making easier
One simple tool to help you not feel so overwhelmed

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Parenting Through Puberty Sep 07, 2023

Today we’re talking about puberty. If you have a tween or teen (or even a slightly younger kid), this episode is going to be so helpful. Our kids go through a lot of changes during puberty, so I’m helping you to understand what is actually going on in their bodies and with their hormones and how you can support your child through it all.

What Is Puberty?

Puberty is the name that we give to the combination of hormone-driven changes that happen inside the body right before and during adolescence. It’s the process of a child’s body growing, changing and maturing (pretty rapidly!) into an adult body.

Puberty is triggered by the release of sex hormones. For girls, this can happen anywhere between ages 8 and 13, but is most common around age 10 or 11. For boys the range is closer to ages 9 to 14, with the most common onset between 11 and 13 years old. Note that as we are discussing biological processes, I am referring to gender assigned at birth.

Just as the age of onset varies from person to person, the length of puberty varies, too. It can last a really long time, or it can go by quickly. Just as with other developmental milestones, everyone is on their own timeline.

What To Expect During Puberty

Common signs of puberty for both boys and girls include oily skin and hair, increased perspiration and body odor and growth spurts. In girls, you’ll also notice breast development, growth of pubic and underarm hair, changes in their figure (e.g. widening hips) and the start of a menstrual cycle. Additional signs of puberty in boys include growth in the penis and testicles, growth of pubic, underarm and facial hair, ejaculations and changes in their voice.

These physical changes are the ones we tend to be more familiar with. But there are also a lot of changes that happen with the brain and the stress response.

In all of my programs, including the Emotionally Healthy Middle Schooler and the Emotionally Healthy Teen, we talk a lot about stress management and how to help kids regulate their emotions in a healthy way.

During puberty and adolescence, there are two main things that are happening in the brain: Hormonal changes (which we’re going deep into today) and a process called pruning, which I’ll cover in next week’s episode.

Hormones and the Stress Response During Puberty

As a quick refresh, a stressor is anything (physical or psychological) that your brain views as a threat, and hormonal systems within our body get activated to help us cope.

The initial reaction comes from epinephrine (aka adrenaline) through our sympathetic nervous system. This is the fight or flight reaction. The second response is a bit slower and more regulated. Multiple glands and parts of the brain work together, using hormones like cortisol and dopamine, to respond to the stress response and calm our body back down.

Basically, you get an energy boost so you have the ability to protect yourself against the threat. Once the threat is gone and we’ve moved through our stress response, our body sends the brain a message that we’re ok and the hormone production stops.

During puberty, things get a little thrown off, because the system that is responsible for responding to stress is also responsible for creating all of the sex hormones (testosterone in boys and estrogen and progesterone in girls).

Up to age 10, your kid is already working pretty hard to manage their stress response because they’re young. Then, we throw a whole influx of new hormones in the mix. The brain and body need to learn how to regulate these new hormones, and it takes a while. Completing a stress cycle can take 45 to 60 minutes longer in adolescents than in adults.

Your middle schooler or high schooler may not have more stressors in their life, but they are actually more stressed inside their body. They’re experiencing a heightened, overactive stress response, and they’re struggling. This is why we see unpredictable, volatile moods during puberty.

Tips For Parenting Through Puberty

What are you supposed to DO with this hormonal, moody person? Here are a few tips to navigate this time of your child’s life.

Don’t take things personally

The behavior that you’re seeing isn’t really about you. It’s about what your kid is going through internally. Set boundaries when you need to, but don’t shut them out or shut them down. It’s time to lean in and get curious about what they’re struggling with.

Listen without judgment

When you see off-track behavior, you’ll want to jump in with criticism or advice. But if you really want to create a safe place between you and your tween or teen, you need to let them get some things out.

Decide which boundaries are most important to you

It can be really confusing as a parent to decide which limits you’re committed to holding, so follow your instincts.

Know that this is a stage

The way your kid acts during puberty is not how they’ll be as an adult. This is not a crisis of character. They are going through a transition, a developmental stage.

Manage your own stress

This is a stressful time for your kid, which means it’s going to be a stressful time for you. That means you’ll need to be really careful with your own stress and decrease it as much as possible so that you can be present for your kid during this process.

I go way deeper into each of these tips in the Emotionally Healthy Middle Schooler and Emotionally Healthy Teen classes. If you want to show up with more compassion, understanding and tolerance during the emotional shit storm of puberty, this is the place for you. Learn more here.

You’ll Learn:

How the physical changes of puberty cause more stress for your kid
The brain-body feedback loop of stress and hormones
Why we see big mood swings during adolescence
5 ways to care for your kid and yourself through puberty

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Better Conversations With Teens And Tweens Aug 31, 2023

Today, we’re talking about having better conversations with your teens and tweens. How can you continue to feel connected to your kid during this time when it’s so easy to drift apart?

I know that you don’t want your relationship to be adversarial and to feel really disconnected, but this often happens in the middle school and high school years.

You end up talking about school, chores, grades, their attitude…and the ways they’re not measuring up. You’re not sure how to set limits and follow through with appropriate consequences, so you’re constantly reminding them of things they need to do. And this nagging and criticism creates a lot of disconnection.

So when you have only a limited amount of time to talk with your teen or tween, how do you want to spend it?

In this episode, I’ll walk you through four different types of conversations to check in, get to know your kid, connect with them in a deeper way and hold them accountable when they mess up.

And even though I’m focusing on teens and tweens, these four conversation types are important for all ages and relationships. You can adapt them for your younger kids, too.

4 Types of Conversations to Have With Your Teen or Tween

The Casual Conversation

I like to call this the “shoot the shit” conversation, talking about regular, everyday things.

There are no expectations or agendas. You’re just getting to know your kid - what’s on their mind, what they’re interested in, etc. Engage with them and get a peek into their world. Just keep it light, like how it feels to hang out and chat with a friend.

If they brush you off, don’t give up. Don’t make it mean anything. Just keep trying and be a regular human being with your kids.

The Curiosity Conversation

Remember how you could watch your kids for hours when they were first learning to walk and talk? Big developmental milestones are still happening in your teen, but they’re internal.

Our kids have things in their heads that we don’t know are in there. Curiosity can coax some of it out.

The approach is less, “I’m going to teach you something,” and more about figuring out what they know. What are they learning and thinking and doing and planning?

Your teen or tween actually does want to talk about what they are thinking and feeling. They just don't want to be told what to think or feel, so you have to leave your agenda at the door. Often, they’ll even start the conversation. You just have to recognize the cues.

A couple of warnings…

#1: The topics your kid is interested in might be boring to you.

#2: They might say things that surprise (or alarm) you. Remember, they’re trying on different ideas as they continue to grow, mature and create their identity.

Set boundaries or politely end the conversation if you need to. You can say "I love talking about things with you, but I'm not open to this conversation right now."

If you want to build more connection and warmth between you and your kid, these conversations are how you get it. Get curious, ask questions, let your kids tell you what they know and what they think.

The Connection Conversation

These are a little bit deeper. Here, you get to learn more about the emotional life of your child.

Your teen or your tween desperately wants to feel safe with you. They want to feel seen and soothed by you and secure in your relationship.

They also don’t really want you to know all of that. They don't like the vulnerability of still being a kid. They want to act older, show up differently, be mature and not really need their parents.

So, while your kid really wants to have these conversations with you, it’s also really difficult and uncomfortable to talk about hard things and be that vulnerable.

As the parent, you can provide the opportunity for them to share those hard things with you, but you might need to be a little stealthy and they’ll participate when they’re feeling really, really safe. You can start a conversation by simply narrating what you see (e.g. you’re quiet today, you’re complaining quite a bit today) without any snark or assumption. Then ask, “I wonder if there’s something on your mind?” or, “are you feeling frustrated?”

Whether or not they choose to engage in the conversation with you has very little to do with you, and a lot to do with how much vulnerability they can tolerate in the moment. Either way, they will see that you are holding that space for them and are there to listen.

Sometimes, these conversations are completely silent. I call this quiet compassion, and it is often enough. You can recognize that they are hurting, connect with that situation and feeling and move into a compassionate place all in your own mind. You will soften toward your kid, and they’ll feel that safety and connection with you.

The Correction Conversation

Correction is what needs to happen when your teen or tween messes up (because they will). How do you handle it when they don’t keep a limit you set?

In a correction conversation, you pull back some freedom from your kid and give them responsibility to build trust. The goal is to communicate this without breaking the relationship.

Our tendency is often to go into a big lecture, but the truth is, that’s not going to help.

Instead, just tell them the consequence and let them have a big feeling cycle about it. That’s it. If they want more explanation, you can give it once everyone is calm. If things get heated, take a break.

This is a huge part of what we talk about in The Emotionally Healthy Middle Schooler and The Emotionally Healthy Teen courses. I’d love to help you have more of these quality conversations with your teen or tween, so be sure to check out the courses and sign up if you want all the coaching, scripts, conversation starters, workbook and support that come along with it.

No matter the age of your kids, I hope you have some beautiful conversations with them this week.

You’ll Learn:

Why your kid spends so much time in their room (it’s not usually about you)
4 types of conversations you should be having with your teen or tween
How to have better quality conversations with your kid
Scripts and prompts for each type of conversation

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

2 Keys To My Parenting "Success": Lessons Learned from Taking My Child to College Aug 24, 2023

What does “success” really look like in parenting? What is the end goal? What are we doing all this for? In this episode, I’m debriefing a huge step in my parenting journey and sharing two keys that have shaped my experience as a parent and my relationship with my kids.

Yesterday I dropped off my oldest son for his first year of college – and transitioned him one step further on his journey towards independence.

Then it hit me: THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN PREPARING FOR ALL ALONG. That point of graduating from high school and launching into adulthood is, in many ways, the finish line of parenting.

I’ve been slowly moving Lincoln towards independence, responsibility and emotional health since he was 4 years old.

That meant working on myself and calming my own emotional reactivity, so I didn’t dump all my crap on him.

It meant learning how to teach him emotional regulation through the practice of compassion, so he would learn what to do with all of his feelings too.

I had to have firm limits with him. Let him make mistakes. Not rescue him.

I’m still processing a lot of the thoughts and feelings around this big step, but I realized two key factors that made this transition easier for me and I wanted to share them with you right away.

2 Keys to Parenting Success

Years and years of work have led us to this moment. It’s why he’s going to be ok. And it’s why I know how to process all of this in real time – no stuffing, dumping, avoiding, projecting, or over-dramatizing any of it.

Parenting Key #1: Embracing and processing your emotion is so important

Learning to process emotion, especially negative ones, is probably the single most valuable gift I’ve given myself over the past 19 years of motherhood. Being able to feel all my feelings has allowed me to truly be present for the experience of parenting and raising my boys.

I was here for it. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’m so grateful for my willingness to get help when I needed it. To learn. To grow. To become.

This is really where self-coaching begins. It’s about noticing, allowing and soothing your emotion, and then finding new thoughts to help you move forward.

Parenting Key #2: Celebrating your parenting achievements is a good thing

The hard work of “gentle parenting” is worth it.

When you do the personal development work along with compassionate parenting, the result is a kid who feels very connected to you and has a lot of emotional health for themselves - Especially if you combine that connection with firm limits and restorative consequences.

Years ago, I chose 3 parenting goals:

My kids’ emotional health and wellbeing
My relationship with my kids
My own mental and emotional wellbeing

As Lincoln steps out on his own, I can honestly say I’ve achieved what I set out to do as a mom.

And I’m letting myself be proud of it. I’m not skipping over it to the next thing or pushing myself for more or better. I’m just here in this moment, savoring and enjoying it.

When you reach the “finish line”, it’s okay to celebrate, to be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

What Will Parenting Success Look Like For You?

Ultimately, we want our kids not to need us. We will still be in a relationship, but as two adults who are able to manage their own emotions, move through obstacles and take care of themselves and their responsibilities.

I invite you to explore these 2 takeaways yourself, by reflecting on the following questions.

Are you letting yourself feel the feelings as they come up? Do you allow yourself to feel fully sad or mad or scared? Do you trust yourself to feel it all and let the feeling pass through you?
Are you letting yourself feel proud of your hard work as a parent? Do you quiet your inner critic, at least sometimes, and tell yourself good job?

I also want you to know that you have permission - Permission to feel your feelings and permission to be proud of yourself. When you do these things, you’ll show up more often as the mom you want to be.

As a parenting coach, my goal is always for you to improve your relationship with yourself, improve your relationship with your child and improve your child’s relationship with themself. And we do all that through the lens of self compassion, compassion, connection and healthy boundaries.

One of the main things I teach in my Emotionally Healthy classes is how to fully feel and process your feelings. Because, as parents, we have a lot of them. and we don’t want to dump them on our kids. You have to be able to process your negative emotion first before you teach your kids how.

Thank you for celebrating this milestone with me, and know that I’m celebrating with you as you launch your own kids into kindergarten, middle school, high school or whatever step is next.

You’ll Learn:

All about my “anxiety nest”
Why “mom mode” is a way to escape our feelings
How to feel your feelings and be ok with whatever comes up
The small and simple ways I feel proud of myself as a mom

Listen now! 🌈💕

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Simplifying Your Life Aug 17, 2023

As we gear up for a new school year, I’m sharing some of my own tried-and-true routines and rhythms for simplifying your daily life. We’re talking mornings, afternoons, dinnertime and more, with tips geared toward families with elementary and middle school age kids.

You’ll hear tips that worked for our family, why I made those decisions and how they helped me to establish a peaceful and easy rhythm for our home. These are nuts and bolts, actual HOW of creating your own daily routines so you can get places on time (without forgetting a bunch of stuff) and feel less stressed.

Your days will look different than mine did, and you definitely don’t need to use every tip I share here. I do hope you’ll get some ideas for how to structure your days and simplify your life. Start with one or two favorites, and take it from there!

Simplify Your Mornings

My goal in the morning was to create the most peace and ease possible, so that my kids would go to school feeling calm and grounded. I noticed that on days we were rushed, stressed and I was yelling or barking at them, they often ended up having a hard day at school.

I started by spending a few minutes to connect with each kid while they were waking up.

Then, we transitioned into getting dressed and brushing teeth. We did not use any devices in the mornings or have playtime once I was up.

Breakfasts were super simple: instant oatmeal, yogurt or frozen waffles (with a little protein if possible). I really just tried to get something in their bellies. I rarely (if ever) made breakfasts I had to cook, like eggs or pancakes, during the week. I didn’t eat breakfast with them but made lunches during this time and was there to connect and be present with them.

I made a choice to not really discipline or teach my kids anything in the morning. There just wasn’t time for a big conflict or conversation. I would move through the situation as best I could using limit setting, take note of any off-track behavior and come back to later.

The goal was what I call a “gentle handoff” - delivering a well-regulated human to school - so I was always looking for ways to move things along in the morning without anyone getting upset.

Creating a timeline helped us arrive on time or early to school. Start with what time they need to be at school, what time you need to leave the house and count backwards from there to figure out the rest. Remember to leave yourself some wiggle room for spills and last-minute bathroom breaks.

There are also a few little hacks I discovered to help us get out the door more easily:

Keep a shoe bin downstairs
Store socks and backpacks near the shoes
Simplify the stuff: Each kid had one backpack, one lunchbox, one sweatshirt, one pair of school shoes, and we kept their wardrobes pretty small and simple, too

Simplify School Lunches

I made very simple lunches. Sawyer was a picky eater, so I sent him pretty much the same lunch every day. For Lincoln, I had a rotating schedule.

My mind was blown when a friend of mine with four kids pointed out to me that I can just give my kids a sandwich everyday. That I didn’t have to make personalized, fancy lunches for my kids.

Many parents like to make lunches the night before, and this works for a lot of families. It wasn’t really for us. Lincoln liked more warm foods for his lunch, so I chose to prep lunches in the morning (I’m also a morning person, so it wasn’t a big deal).

And I didn’t send water bottles with my kids. At some point, I stopped doing this and they didn’t really seem to miss them. If you want your kids to take a water bottle to school, it can be their responsibility to fill it up and put it back into their backpack each day.

Every afternoon, the boys would put their lunch boxes on the counter. I’d load containers into the dishwasher and run it every night so we had clean containers ready to go each morning.

Simplify Your Afternoons

My goal in the afternoons was to give my kids my full attention at the time of reunion. School pickup (or coming home on the bus) is one of those transitional points in the day that can feel hard for our kids.

Even if I was talking with another mom at pickup, when my kid came out I’d pause and say, “Excuse me, let me say hi to my kid.” I would turn to them, give my full attention and tell them, “Hi, I really missed you.”

I believe this set the tone for our afternoon.

Most days we came straight home after school, even if we had activities later on. The boys did chores, like bringing their lunchboxes to the counter and unloading the dishwasher, while I prepped a snack.

And we typically only did one sport at a time. I even tried to get my kids on teams with my friends’ kids so we could help each other with carpools. I only signed the boys up for enrichment activities or scheduled play dates if it worked for me, my schedule and our budget. I didn’t really want a super busy life and didn’t feel the pressure to put them in every activity.

Early on, we decided to have no video games or TV on weekdays. It often felt like there just wasn’t enough time between getting home and dinner/bedtime, and it was so hard to get them off the devices. From time to time, we’d watch a movie or I’d let them watch a show, but it wasn’t expected. It felt like something special and allowed me to take a real break when it happened.

If we didn’t have sports, afternoons were structured around play - at home, at a park or with friends, which provided a slower pace for the kids.

Simplify Dinnertime & Evenings

Dinnertime can mark the end of the afternoon, the end of playing and the beginning of evening time. Cleaning up toys was also part of this transition for us.

I created a general meal plan every week, and had several go-to meals that we ate often. These were simple meals I could make without a recipe and that my kids would eat. Some favorites were tacos, burgers, pasta, teriyaki stir fry, fajitas, roasted chicken and potatoes or enchilada casserole.

I trained myself to think about dinner as I was getting breakfast together in the morning, so I could thaw meat or prep anything else I’d need.

And some nights, I didn’t make dinner at all. I’d serve “calories” for dinner, which meant that we’d just eat enough of something to feel full. Sometimes it was popcorn, cereal, sandwiches or fruit.

After dinner, it was usually straight to bath and bed. If I could tell they had a lot of energy, we’d walk to the nearby park or jump on the trampoline for a little while - something where they could use their bodies and get that energy out.

While my preference was to get the dishes done before the kids went to bed, it didn’t always happen. We have a lot of guilt or pressure around keeping our homes perfectly clean, but leaving some pans for tomorrow is really okay.

The whole point of my sharing this with you is that I want you to see that I built a rhythm that worked for me and that matched my energy and my family's dynamic. And I just decided that that was okay. That whatever I did was fine.

You can also decide that. You can decide to have simple food, or you can decide to not do sports at all, or you can decide to do play dates every day and take out every night.

Whatever you do is up to you. If something is stressing you out, take time to figure out what isn't working and find a better solution.

And in that process, you'll learn how to let yourself off the hook and do what works for you and your kids, because what your kids ultimately need is for you to be calm, regulated and peaceful.

You’ll Learn:

Three key times of day when your kid needs your full attention
Why it’s okay to let yourself off the hook sometimes (and ideas of what to let go of)
How to adjust these rhythms to work for you and your family

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

The Inner Child Aug 10, 2023

Today, I want to introduce you to (or bring you deeper into) the transformative world of inner child work. By soothing and addressing the pain and unmet needs from our own childhoods, we can discover profound healing and self-compassion.

I’ll walk you through some simple exercises you can try to be kinder to yourself and explore how the concept of your child's inner child can help you bring a more nurturing and loving approach to parenting.

What Is The Inner Child?

Maybe you’ve heard of the concept of your inner child. It’s a really great way to see yourself through a lens of kindness, love and compassion. I’m extending this idea further today and talking about your child’s inner child.

A lot of our work in adulthood is about going back and healing our inner child from experiences that hurt us or things that we needed but didn’t receive in childhood.

My life mission is to heal the next generation in advance. What if our kids didn’t need to heal from childhood? What if we could raise them with compassion and give them the tools they need to be emotionally healthy adults? I believe that, while we can’t prevent pain, we can prevent trauma in our kids.

In order to do this, we need to heal ourselves now, too.

How To “Heal” Your Inner Child

I’m not a therapist, but I am a life coach, and I’m sharing some tools I’ve learned along the way to help you on your path to healing.

The first comes from my life coach, Martha Beck. It is called KIST - an acronym for Kind Internal Self Talk.

To heal from our pain, we have to love ourselves through it. But our self-talk is often very critical, and we tell ourselves a lot of negative stories. Instead of letting our inner critic tell us we’re not safe, we’re not good enough, nobody likes us, we can shift to positive statements that support and encourage us.

In my programs, I often call these “thoughts to borrow”. Here are a few you can try out:

I can handle this.
This moment is temporary.
I can figure out how to make this moment more peaceful.
I'm doing my best.
I have plenty of time.
I choose peace and harmony over stress and perfection.
I know what to do.
This isn't that hard.
I can figure this out.

The second strategy I want to share with you is writing a love letter to yourself. It starts simply with, “Dear [your name], I am writing to tell you I love you."

Next, fill in each of the prompts below:

I love you because...
I appreciate you because...
I am proud of you because...
You should feel accomplished because...
_____makes me feel happy because...
You are awesome because...
You are beautiful because...
You are unlike anyone else because...
I’m thankful to you because...
What I wish for you is...

Sign it, "I love you. Love, [your name]"

You can extend this activity by also writing a letter to your inner child, speaking kindly and tenderly to your younger self.

Your Child’s Inner Child

This concept is a little funny, because your child is living their inner child self right now. Our goal is to imagine their adult self and think about how we can support this inner child now so that they don’t need to heal later.

As you think about your own inner child, you’ll think about what you wish your parents had said to you back then, what you wish they’d done or how you wish you’d been cared for. Through this lens, you can also imagine your kid 20 years from now.

Your child’s internal self-talk will be inherited from you. We can use Kind External Parent Talk (KEPT) to speak more kindly to our kids. As parents, we often feel rushed or stressed, and we speak impulsively or shut our kids down without even realizing it. That’s why getting to CALM is so important. Speaking more kindly goes so far in your relationship with your kid, and it helps them develop kind internal self talk for themselves.

Finally, you can adapt the love letter exercise again and write it or speak it out loud to your child (or write it to their inner child).

What do they need to hear from you? Where are they longing to be seen? How do they want you to view them? 10 years from now, what are they going to wish you would have said or done?

Of course, we can’t know these things for sure, and you won’t do it perfectly. But you certainly won’t do any harm by being extra kind and loving and acknowledging and appreciating who your child is.

I know you love your kid so much that it hurts. I also know they make you absolutely bonkers and that sometimes you don't like them at all. That's okay. You’re a totally normal human. But the deep love is what we want to communicate to them, not the dislike.

How can you have more kind external parent talk this week? How can you show your love and heal your child’s inner child in advance and love them as you wish you were loved?

The takeaway I want to leave you with today is that you are ALL the parts of you, from all the ages and stages of your life. Thinking of the way you would speak to 8-year-old you will help you to be kinder to adult you. And you can give those kinder words to your own children for them to store inside their hearts.

You’ll Learn:

Why healing ourselves is the first step to healing our kids in advance
How to shift your negative self-talk into a more positive message, even when you’re feeling stuck
A simple way to get comfortable with speaking to your inner child
How to see your child’s inner child and give them what they really need from you

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Back To School Checklist Aug 03, 2023

The new school year is starting soon, and I want you to be ready! In this episode, I’m sharing my back to school checklist - not for school supplies and new clothes, but to set you up for more peace this school year.

I hope this will help you to feel like the leader in your life and give you more room in your life for fun, ease and joy.

Your Back To School Checklist

This is my 3-step process to help you figure out what truly matters to you and how to make the decisions to get it this school year.

Step 1: Intentional Focus

You’ve probably heard people talk in January about their word for the year. I like to also choose a word for the school year. It might be a feeling that you want to chase or a theme or mantra.

It gives us an opportunity to ask, “What do I want to focus on this year? What is important to me?”

If you’re struggling to answer these questions, start by looking back on the previous year. What worked for you? What didn’t?

This intention will give your brain a place to focus, and your brain will actually start looking for evidence that it is happening (yay!).

It will also point out to you when it’s not happening, when you’re off track from where you want to be, which gives you a chance to reset and refocus.

Step 2: Intentional Priorities

In order to get that feeling you’re chasing, your priorities and goals need to be in line with your intention.

I often think of priorities in categories, like home life, academics and social emotional health.

Each category can be pretty complex, and you can’t work on it all at one time. Priorities help you narrow down what you want to focus on right now. In the home life category, for example, you might want to prioritize chores, family time or better balance with screens.

Again, looking back at the past year is a great place to start if you aren’t sure what to prioritize. Is there an area where your kid is clearly struggling? What skills do you want to help them learn this year? What goals will help you get closer to that feeling you’re chasing?

These priorities will help relieve some of the sheer overwhelm of parenting. There is so much pressure to make sure our kids know how to do everything. But it is all a process, and kids have a lot of years to develop and learn.

Step 3: Intentional Routines

Routines help you actually create the thing that you want. They are the “how”.

At the beginning of a school year, I really like to think about how I want our days to flow. I look at our schedule and my priorities and figure out where these things are all going to fit.

There will always be basics that need to happen - meals, sleep, school work, bathing, chores, etc. Once these things are done, what is left in terms of time, energy and money?

This is where you can add in some enrichment activities or free screen time. Remember to also account for your own activities. Will you volunteer this school year? Are there hobbies or groups you’re involved in?

Looking back to your intention and priorities will help you determine which activities are a good fit, and the rhythms and routines will be a lot easier to figure out.

It also means you’re going to have to say “no” to some stuff. Your brain will start to do the “uh-oh” story. It will tell you that your kid is missing out or falling behind in some way. But saying “no” is not bad. It's not going to hurt your kids.

So much of what we want our kids to learn can be taught in regular, everyday life. They don’t need ALL the enrichment activities to learn how to build relationships, take risks, overcome obstacles, achieve goals or practice personal responsibility. Anything you do with your kids is valuable.

My goal for you is that you feel calm this school year, that you love the decisions you make and that you feel really clear and confident about what you're saying “yes” to and what and what you're saying “no” to and why.

You're empowered. You get to decide, and you can do it from a place of leadership, intention and by prioritizing what is truly important to you.

You’ll Learn:

My word of the year for this school year (and how you can choose your own)
Example priorities for home life, academics and social emotional health
Thoughts you can borrow when you’re feeling the pressure to do it all right now
How not to be a victim to an overloaded schedule

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Therapeutic Parenting Jul 27, 2023

We hear a lot of names for parenting philosophies (e.g. gentle parenting, positive parenting, compassionate parenting), that all share the same foundation of compassion and connection. Today, I’m sharing the concept of therapeutic parenting - what it is and how it relates to the parenting style I now teach to moms like you.

I first heard the term “therapeutic parenting” when I was really struggling with my then-4-year-old son. His temper tantrums, hitting and kicking were triggering and overwhelming to me.

I felt so reactive toward him, and the way I responded made me feel terrible. So, I started to get some support. I found a therapist to help my child and me, and I began learning how to help him get out some of those big feelings and process that negative emotion.

After these sessions, I would tell my best friend (who’s also a therapist) about everything I was learning, and she said, “That sounds like therapeutic parenting all the time…You know that's impossible. Right?”

But I felt like I had no choice. All I knew was that I needed to help my son with his big feelings, and Lincoln needed so much support.

Along the way, I realized that I needed a lot of help with my big feelings, too. I needed to heal my trauma response and decrease my stress.

So what do we do when the thing our kids need is so hard? In this episode, I share a little background on therapeutic parenting, common challenges parents face and my own therapeutic parenting hack.

What is Therapeutic Parenting?

Therapy is defined as a way to get help with a mental health problem or get extra support if you're going through a tough time. In therapy, you learn skills to cope, to feel better and get help with the problem that you're having.

So when we apply this concept to parenting, we are helping and supporting our children when they’re having a tough time.

When you’re a preschooler, a tough time might be having trouble getting your shoes on or your brother looking at you funny, but when we look at it through a compassionate lens, we see that our kids are acting out their feelings (of frustration, anger, sadness, etc.) through their behavior.

Someone who hits their brother is having a tough time. Someone who screams at their mom is having a tough time.

While you are not your child’s therapist, you can recognize that when your child is struggling or misbehaving, they need support (not judgment, criticism or lecturing). You can learn to see your kid’s behavior as a form of communication.

When you think to yourself, “This is a person who's having a tough time. This is pain. This is someone struggling,” you can take on the role of a compassionate witness.

When you validate and identify your kid’s struggle and support them, they are more able to move through that negative emotion, feel stronger and solve problems.

Challenges in Therapeutic Parenting

As my bestie told me all those years ago, this style of parenting is hard. There are some common challenges that I see come up often (and that I experienced myself).

Challenge #1: This only works when you are calm.

You can’t show up with compassion and patience if you are dysregulated yourself.

When I realized this, I knew that I needed to improve the way that I took care of myself so that I could support my kids in this way. I spent more time by myself and started to do some healing work to deal with my own trauma. I simplified our home life, and brought in rhythms and routines that worked for our family.

If you can set your life up in a way that gives you greater capacity for this emotional coaching and connected parenting, then your whole family will benefit.

Challenge #2: Not knowing what to do after the big feelings pass.

You’ll be amazed at the change you’ll see in your kids simply by getting comfortable with them riding out their big feeling cycles - they decrease in intensity, frequency and duration. But then what?

This is not a permissive parenting model. So after the compassion and connection, we still need limits and impact-based consequences - just without the yelling, judgment and shame.

We set clear limits and boundaries. And if those boundaries are crossed, we hold our kids accountable and ask them to repair whatever was damaged by their behavior. They have the opportunity to fix the problem.

My Therapeutic Parenting Hack

As I learned the therapeutic parenting model, along with many other tools, I felt like I needed to find a way to make it easier.

This stuff is complicated, and it requires a lot from us as parents. I wanted to make this way of parenting more accessible for myself and, later, for the parents I was coaching.

So I created the Calm Mama Process. I think of it as my therapeutic parenting hack. It’s a four-step process that includes:

CALM: You can’t do anything until you are calm.
CONNECT: Be the compassionate witness.
LIMIT SET: State what is allowed in your home and under what conditions.
CORRECT: Follow through with an impact (aka consequence).

This process will help your kids grow up with better coping skills. We all have stress. We all get dysregulated. That is what it is to be human and have a human brain.

We want to give our kids the tools to regulate themselves so that they can be emotionally healthy adults with healthy relationships.

You’ll Learn:

The role therapeutic parenting played in my own parenting (and coaching) journey
My favorite phrase to see frustrating behavior through a compassionate lens
Common challenges with compassionate parenting (and how to overcome them)
The difference between shame and guilt

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When You’re Too Tired To Deal Jul 20, 2023

I see a lot of moms burnout by the end of the summer, and while this episode isn’t specifically about burnout, it is about our capacity as parents and what to do when you’re too tired to deal with what’s going on with your kids.

As humans, we have limited capacity. Think of it like a 2-liter bottle. When the bottle is full, there isn’t capacity to add anything else to it. If it’s only half full, there is some space to add more liquid.

When we think of this same concept in motherhood, it applies to all of the demands and pressures there are on us. Sometimes, we simply don’t have the capacity to take on any more. And if we have too much going on, it’s going to overflow.

Today, I’ll give you some tools and tips on how to handle it when you don't have the amount of capacity that you wish you had, or you are not able to show up as the mom you want to be.

My Therapeutic Parenting Hack

My own parenting transformation began through working alongside my older son with an amazing therapist. She introduced me to the concept and tools of therapeutic parenting.

This type of parenting requires a very high level of intention and self regulation. And the truth is that it just isn’t possible to parent this way all the time.

The Calm Mama Process that I know teach and coach with is basically a therapeutic parenting hack. You calm yourself. You emotionally coach your kids. You're firm with your limits, let your kids make mistakes and let them experience the impact of their decisions with consequences.

When You're Too Tired To Deal

Even with a simplified process, there are times when you know what to do and you still can’t do it. Your capacity is low and you just don’t have it in you.

Maybe you’re busy. Maybe you have a big event or change happening in your life. Maybe you’re going through something emotional, grieving or healing. Maybe you’re ill or exhausted from parenting a newborn.

Whatever it is, I want you to know that there are periods of time when you won’t have the capacity to parent the way you want to parent. You just can’t show up. And that’s okay.

Here are some strategies to use to help you navigate that place.

Strategy #1: Be honest with yourself

Take a close look at what’s going on for you. If you find yourself yelling at your kids, ignoring their big feeling cycles or being really permissive, realize that it probably means that you don’t have the capacity to show up in the way that you want to.

Be honest with yourself in naming and labeling that feeling. Narrate back to yourself that you have low capacity, then go through and get clear on what you can and can’t do in that moment.

Strategy #2: Be kind to yourself

After you get honest with yourself about what you do or don’t have capacity for, be kind with yourself about the answer.

Accept where you are right now and remind yourself that it is temporary (all things are). If you want to serve cereal for dinner tonight, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to serve cereal every night for the rest of your kids’ lives.

Remind yourself: This is where I’m at right now. This is what I can do. This is all I’ve got, and that’s okay. There’s no need for guilt or judgment toward yourself.

Strategy #3: Communicate with kind compassion

If we want to hold our boundaries, we need to be able to communicate those limits and what our capacity is.

Moms often wait to communicate how they’re feeling until they’re very angry, overwhelmed or frustrated and end up dumping that negative emotion on their kids.

Then, boundaries often come out sounding fast, heated or harsh. I think this has a lot to do with not being honest with ourselves earlier on or giving ourselves permission to say no.

We can communicate boundaries more slowly, with love and understanding of other people’s disappointment.

You are allowed to say “no” to a request - whether it’s from your kid, partner or a friend. We often say yes when we really want to say no because we can’t handle the other person’s big feelings. The more you go outside of your boundaries, the more you’ll feel bitter and resentful towards your kids or partner.

It is okay for people to be angry with you, even though it can be hard to accept. You're not actually responsible for other people's feelings, and you don’t have to go outside of your capacity to make sure other people are happy.

It's okay to feel burned out right now, it's okay to say no and it's okay not to have capacity.

If you don't want to take your kids to the mall, don't. If you don't want to read books, don't. If you don't have the patience to ride a big feeling cycle, don't.

I want for you to have a lot more grace, kindness and love towards yourself. I want you to take excellent care of yourself so that you have capacity later.

You’ll Learn:

How my own parenting transformation began
What to do when other people aren’t happy with your boundaries
How to use neutral listening when you don’t have the capacity to handle your kid’s big feelings
Scripts for communicating your boundaries with kindness

Resources:

Get to know my amazing therapist, Jeanette Yoffe

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Summer Sibling Squabbles Jul 13, 2023

It’s summer - kids are off school, they’re spending more time together and you’re probably seeing a lot more sibling squabbles and fights.

And it’s frustrating, right? You spend all this time thinking of fun activities and outings, you do the planning and prepping. Then, when you get them to the location, they’re fighting, arguing and bickering.

I know that this is a problem for most parents, especially in the summer months, so this episode is meant to help you understand why it’s happening (which is a game-changer all on its own) and give you more clarity when you go to solve the problems.

Why Kids Fight More in the Summer

I don’t know about you, but when I understand why something is happening, it frees me from the feelings of guilt and responsibility and helps me think clearly about possible solutions.

In general, kids have less capacity to self-regulate and manage their emotions in the summer, and there are quite a few reasons for this.

There’s less routine and a different pace and rhythm to their days. When they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing at any given time, it shows up in their behavior.

Extra downtime in the summer also leads to boredom. When kids don’t know what to do with that unstructured time, they get restless and dysregulated.

Summer is more physical than the school year, too. During school, they spend more time indoors, sitting and learning. In the summer, they use their bodies a lot more, which is amazing and also exhausting.

And let’s not forget about travel. We tend to place pretty high expectations on our kids when it comes to long car rides or lines to stand in at the airport, amusement park or museum. There’s a lot of waiting around, and this also feeds into the boredom and dysregulation.

Another factor in summer behavior is the way they connect with you. During the school year, there are rhythms to this, too. There’s predictability and you probably have some time built in where you connect with each kid one-on-one. When this gets thrown off in the summer, our kids are missing that one-on-one connection. They miss us even though we’re spending so much time together.

At the same time, we are spending SO much time together, that we get burned out on each other.

The way this all shows up is that when a kid feels restless or uncomfortable, they dump that discomfort onto their sister or brother. It’s a coping strategy they’re using to try to balance out or express some emotion.

It's a way to get some stimulation if they're bored. It's a way to get connection if they're feeling disconnected. It's a way to express their discomfort or frustration.

Typical Responses to Sibling Fighting

What most parents tend to do is ignore the behavior until it escalates. Then, all of a sudden you have a huge problem. You yell, you threaten and create extra stress in the situation.

This might work in the short term, but it’s kinda like putting a lid on a boiling pot of water - it will boil over again.

Another common strategy I see is protecting the victim. This often looks like shaming the kid who was hurting or poking at the other kid. The problem with this is that you’re creating even more disconnection with the aggressor.

Consequencing everyone in the fight also tends to create more problems. Sometimes the conflict isn’t about all the children. It may be one kid who needs a limit or more connection. If you take away privileges for everyone, it makes the impact of one person’s behavior impact everybody, and you’re not addressing the emotional need of the kid who is creating the conflict.

What your kids are seeking in misbehavior is regulation and support. They want to feel better. They need some help.

What I want for you is to be able to pay attention and provide guidance, rather than checking out emotionally, disconnecting or jumping in and solving all their problems for them. It’s a fine balance.

A Better Way to Deal with Summer Sibling Squabbles

First, I want to say that you cannot take on every problem. It’s exhausting, and it’s not serving your kids. So when you do intervene, I want you to intervene in a way that is actually helpful, solves the emotional situation and helps your kids feel better so that they show up better.

The foundation here is this: Pay attention, but be slow to intervene.

Look at the behavior. What is happening between these people? What is this conflict even about? Then ask yourself what they need. Do they all need some support, or is it one kid who needs a limit? Look for clues before you respond.

When you decide to intervene, start with the Connection Tool. Narrate what you see, name the emotion and set a limit.

If they're able to be calm and talk to you, you can guide them through a conversation about the conflict, as long as they both speak kindly and one at a time. Narrate and name the situation. Then ask them what they want to do about it. How do they want to solve this problem?

You are the leader and the guide, not a participant in the conflict.

There are lots of ways to set limits within conflict, and you’ll hear several examples in the full episode.

While we internally help them with their feelings, we want to also externally show them that their behavior has impacts, which can be great or not-so-fun.

With conflict, these impacts (aka consequences) might look like missing out on activities or privileges. It can also look like restitution to you when supporting your kids in conflict drains you of your energy.

Ultimately, limits and consequences help your kids see that it is in their best interest (and the family’s best interest) for them to get along. Because when they do, Mom has more energy, capacity and patience to do fun stuff.

Your kids are going to fight this summer. So when it happens, I don’t want you to feel surprised or like you're doing something wrong. The more connection and emotional support you can offer to them, the easier your day will be.

When you guide your kids to solve the problems (instead of doing it for them), they learn to solve conflicts for themselves and there is less sibling fighting.

You’ll Learn:

Why siblings argue more in the summer
More helpful ways to respond to sibling fighting
How to guide your kids through solving their own conflicts
Examples of limit setting during sibling squabbles

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Summer Reset Jul 06, 2023

We’re a few weeks into summer, and you might be starting to feel like you’re in the doldrums. If you’ve been feeling frustrated, disappointed or sad that your summer isn’t going quite the way you hoped it would, this is the episode for you. I’m talking about how to do a summer reset and get things back on track.

Why Your Summer Sucks

We have a lot of ideas about what summer will be like, and then we get into it. We’re completely out of our regular rhythm, we’re spending a lot more time with our kids and they’re spending a lot more time with us and each other. And summer doesn’t feel so easy anymore.

Before you can reset, it helps to understand what the actual problems are that you’re facing. Then, we can solve for them. Here are some top reasons you might be feeling like your summer sucks right now.

Weather. When it’s hot, humid and sticky out, people get grumpy. When we’re physically uncomfortable, it’s harder to regulate our emotions.

Your kids are fighting all the time. Your kids are spending a ton of time together, so you start to see patterns where they’re bickering, picking on each other or just annoyed with each other all the time. (Come back next week for an episode all about summer and siblings.)

Your kids are resistant to summer camp. We think of summer camp as being so much fun for our kids, but it is still a lot of work for them - being physical, spending time outside and being in new social groups can be hard. If they hate it or resist it and are crying and having big feeling cycles everyday, it can feel really frustrating for you.

Your kids are missing school and their friends. There’s a rhythm and predictability to school that helps kids feel safe. Kids know where they’re supposed to be and what they’re supposed to be doing. And they have their school friends, who aren’t always available to them in the summer, so they might feel a bit lonely, too.

Expectations. Kids create a “Disneyland” version of summer in their minds (and so do we). They want the fun, the freedom and the all-summer vacation feeling. But the reality is that you’re still going to tell them to eat their veggies, clean up, take a bath and go to bed. Those unmet expectations of nonstop fun can lead to disappointment and grumpy moods.

Sleep (or lack thereof). Sleep is whacked in the summer. You want to let kids stay up late to do fun things, but then they wake up even earlier. Tired kids are grumpy kids, and the tiredness often shows up as adrenaline, so they’re running wild.

Junk food. We tend to give our kids a lot more treats and quick, easy snacks in the summer. So while they get a quick burst of energy, they then burn out pretty quickly. Even if they’re not hungry, their brain starts to crave more of that energy from sugar or fast carbs, rather than foods that stay and sustain energy longer in their bodies.

Screens. Lots of kids have extra screen time in the summer. There are a lot more hours to fill. And this isn’t wrong. But what happens is that they often end up feeling more grumpy and dissatisfied afterwards.

Do A Summer Reset

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of fun things about summer. But you’re much more likely to enjoy them when everyone is pretty well regulated. Here are some strategies to get your family back on track.

Build back some rhythm. This is a great strategy if you feel out of balance with sleep, food or screens. There are no fast rules about what these limits should be. If you had a pretty good rhythm for this during the school year, start by having a day or two each week where you go back to your old routine.

You might choose a day where you focus on your routine around meals or have an at-home night so you can get back into your evening and bedtime routine.

Get a break. Go do something fun without your kids. Plan a mom’s night out, get a babysitter for a date night or do a kid swap with another mom so you both get a little time off. Do some things to take care of yourself.

Plan a “breathe-in day”. Summer is busy. There’s a lot of movement and energy and stimulation (the breathing out). A breathe-in day lets you chill and recharge. Think about easy, quiet activities like going to the library or to a movie or throwing a stuffed animal party.

Check your mindset. When you have a day or a week this summer that’s not going great and you're feeling super grumpy, I want you to actually process that negative emotion. I call this Calm Mama Thinking.

Reset your mind to the thoughts that you want to have, so you can feel the feeling you want to have.

Step 1: Do a thought dump. List out what you’re feeling and why. Let yourself vent and be frustrated.

Step 2: Think about what feeling you are chasing. How do you want to feel instead?

Step 3: Do a thought swap. What thoughts do you need to think in order to feel the way you want to feel?

The mindset will help you shift out of that grumpy feeling and get you into a place where you can have more compassion for your kids. And when they experience your compassion, they’ll be more able to calm and regulate themselves.

There are a lot of reasons why summer goes off the rails, and it has very little to do with you. When you see a lot of off-track behavior, remember that ALL behavior is driven by feelings and your kid is probably overwhelmed in some way.

When you’re off track, let’s reset. Reset our rhythms, reset our routines, reset our connection and start fresh.

You’ll Learn:

Common challenges with kids in the summer
4 strategies to do a summer reset and get things back on track
Some thoughts you can borrow to create the feelings you want this summer

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Tips for Vacationing With Kids Jun 29, 2023

Traveling with kids can feel more like a business trip than a vacation sometimes. You get excited for a break and a change of scenery, but you’re not necessarily off duty when it comes to parenting. In this episode, I’m sharing why vacation feels like so much work sometimes and my top 5 tips for vacationing with kids.

Why Is It So Hard?

Your Expectations

Often, when we plan a trip, we think of it in its most idyllic way. We anticipate that it will be lovely and fun and relaxing. We can’t wait for the adventure, the squeals of fun and laughter.

Then, reality hits. You’re taking your actual children with you on this trip (not some imaginary unicorn children you made up in your mind).

Maybe things fall apart pretty quickly, you start to feel discouraged and think things like, “This always happens,” or “They’re going to ruin our vacation.”

Your expectation of how things “should” go is different from the everyday, but the behavior struggles and emotional dysregulation are the same.

Emotional Dysregulation

When you go on a trip, you’re also taking your kid out of their normal rhythm and routine, so even if it’s really fun the situation will likely cause some stress for them.

Excitement can cause dysregulation. Basically, when our emotions go faster than our nervous system can handle, we get thrown off balance.

Add long lines, bad weather, sitting for long periods of time, sleeping in new places. possible time zone changes and all sorts of new food to the mix, and you’re facing quite a few challenges.

Big Feeling Cycles

Kids cry a lot and have a lot of big feeling cycles, whether you’re at home or on a trip. Their emotions are not on vacation.

The location or the circumstance isn't what triggers their behavior. It's actually their thoughts and feelings that trigger their behavior.

Even in what seems like a fun situation, kids can have thoughts that trigger feelings like disappointment, frustration or jealousy, so they end up complaining, pouting or shoving their sibling.

When behaviors come up, many parents are quick to make threats, criticize or overparent in an attempt to get the vacation back on track. But while these approaches might work in the short term, they’re not long-term solutions and may suck even more of the fun out of your vacation.

Tips for Vacationing With Kids

The tips I’m sharing today are meant to get you out of the command-threat model and help you know how to handle behaviors and situations that come up.

Mindset

Decide what you want to think and feel on your vacation. We often spend a lot of time planning specific activities but don’t take the time to think about what feelings we are chasing.

Why are you going on this trip? How do you want to feel while you are there? What memories do you want to capture?

Your memories will reflect the way you felt while you were on vacation. You might look back at the pictures and look so happy, but you won't remember feeling happy because you actually weren't.

Here are a few of my favorite thoughts you can borrow to shift your feelings:

Wow. They’re really immature (and they’re supposed to be).
They’re really struggling right now.
This is a temporary moment.
My kid’s just having some big feelings.
I really love my children.

Pause When You’re Mad

When you find yourself activated, overwhelmed, angry or frustrated or in any other negative emotion that you don't wanna be feeling on your vacation, I invite you to pause and reset.

You want to reset both the stress response in your body and the thoughts in your mind.

Move your body to get out some of the stress juice. Take a deep breath, shake your hands, jump up and down, put some lip balm on, stand up or get a drink of water. You can also try putting your hand over your heart as a form of compassion and comfort for yourself.

To reset my mind, I like to do a mini thought dump. Recognize and validate the emotion you are feeling and the thoughts you have.

Then think about how you DO want to feel. What do you need to think in order to feel that way? This is the mindset shift.

Be a Flexible Leader

Your leadership is even more important for your family when you’re traveling than when you’re at home.

As the leader, I want you to feel entitled to change your mind, to decide that maybe something isn't going well and to switch gears.

It's okay if something doesn't go as planned. It's okay to skip a planned activity or leave early because if you keep your kids well rested, well fed and give them enough big body movement, they're gonna have more ability to regulate themselves at the next adventure or activity.

Your kid's behavior will improve when you can do this with calm confidence. The kids will feel that the grown-ups around them are in charge and are taking care of things, and this helps them to feel safe. Step into that leadership energy.

Connect Before You Correct

What most parents tend to do when they see misbehavior is to try to fix it, change it, stop it, solve it.

But misbehavior happens when your kids have some big feelings that they don’t know what to do with. The first step is to look at what emotion might be driving the behavior and address that emotional need.

Make a guess as to what might be going on emotionally. Name the emotion and ask if that’s how they are feeling. Allow them to feel however they are feeling without trying to logic them out of it.

Then, address the behavior with a limit. “Your feelings make sense. You can’t hit. You’re welcome to keep eating your ice cream as long as you don’t hit.”

Be Ok With Giving Consequences On Vacation

Consequences come as a result of your child’s decision. This is following through on the limit you set.

For example, you set a limit that you will go down to the pool as long as everyone has their sunblock on in ten minutes. If one of your kids doesn’t have sunscreen on when the timer goes off, they will stay in the room with your partner.

If they choose to pivot their behavior and put on sunblock, you can offer to help them or let them do it themselves.

Don't add lectures, criticisms, comparisons, bribes, yelling, hurting your kids, rejection or anything else. Losing the swim time or the ice cream or whatever is all that's needed to create the learning moment.

Traveling with kids does not have to be an endless stream of conflict and grumpy feelings. And conflict and grumpiness are normal. You and your kids are still humans, even when you’re on vacation, and you’ll continue to have a range of emotions.

Your kids are allowed to feel happy, grumpy, annoyed, delighted, surprised and exhausted. If you can be calm and confident when their big feelings come up, your children will also be calmer.

You’ll Learn:

Why vacationing with kids doesn’t really feel like a vacation for you (the parent)
What most parents do first when behaviors come up on vacation (and what to do instead)
Thoughts you can borrow to shift to towards the feelings that you want
Examples of limits and consequences on vacation

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Compassion Is Not The Same As Permission Jun 22, 2023

There is a trend in families right now to be more compassionate with their kids. I love it. But compassion is not the same as permission. There’s a big difference, and the two approaches create different results.

In this episode I’ll explain the difference between compassion and permission in parenting, why you might find yourself slipping into permissive parenting and how to get out of that pattern.

Benefits of Compassion

Behavior is driven by emotion. When your kid misbehaves, they are acting out something that they’re feeling inside.

There are lots of ways to cope with our feelings, and some of them harm others or ourselves. These harmful coping strategies happen when a person is uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to do with their feelings. They don’t know how to process them in a healthy, safe way.

When we experience and show compassion, we recognize how someone else is feeling and acknowledge that their feeling is valid.

I believe deeply that we can give our kids the tools of emotional health by helping them name their feelings. When we show up with compassion, we let our kids know that we understand their feelings and help them figure out what to do with them.

Why Permissive Parenting Happens

With this trend toward compassion, we’re also seeing a lot of parents who aren’t setting boundaries or following through with any sort of consequences. This is when we cross the line into permissive parenting.

Often, this happens because parents are simply confused and don’t know what to DO. They get through the feelings part, but then what? They don’t know how to set limits while still validating feelings. They’re not sure how to deliver consequences without shaming their kids.

You might also feel like you’re being mean for following through on consequences or feel overwhelmed by your kid’s discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to handle their big feelings.

Many moms in our society hold themselves to extremely high standards that don’t leave room for you to emotionally regulate yourself, which leads to reactivity in your parenting.

Or you might find yourself giving in because you just want things to feel easier in this moment. But rescuing is a short-term solution, and solving your kid’s problems for them ends up hurting them in the long run.

If you see yourself in these scenarios, you are not alone! There are strategies you can learn to regulate your own emotions, connect with your child, set clear limits and follow through on consequences without shame and blame.

How to Parent With Compassion and Boundaries

The antidote to permissive parenting is validating the feelings, not the behavior.

The approach I teach is a feelings-first model, but it is not feelings-only. We address feelings first and behavior second.

When a behavior arises, approach it from a place of curiosity. How is the child feeling? What feeling is driving this behavior?

Narrate what you see, guess at the emotion behind it and validate their feelings. This is where parents often stop with gentle parenting, but the work isn’t done yet.

Next, you talk to your kid about the impact of the behavior and what they can do to make things right (aka consequences).

When there are no consequences, kids don’t feel personally responsible for their own behavior.

The truth is that letting your kid feel the impact of their actions is a good thing. We want our kids to be emotionally healthy AND we want them to be personally responsible and to understand that their behavior has an impact.

Our kids need to learn to deal with their feelings, recognize that their behavior has an impact on others, and make things right when they make a mistake.

Through this process, they develop a strong self-concept and know that when they make a mistake, they can fix it.

As compassionate parents, we're gonna validate the emotions. We're gonna set limits and follow through on them. We're gonna be okay with our kids' discomfort.

And we're gonna take really good care of ourselves so that we have more capacity for compassion.

In my programs, I teach you how to manage your feelings and know what to do when you’re upset so that you don't lose your shit and feel terrible.

I teach you how to emotionally coach your kids so they learn how to manage their own feelings. I also teach you to use the Limit Setting Formula and a kind and effective way to follow through on consequences that isn't bribing, threatening, or punishing.

You can talk to me directly and ask your questions so you get support on the exact behaviors you’re working through in your family. Learn more here.

You’ll Learn:

The difference between behavior-first and feelings-first models of parenting
The problem with permissive parenting and why it happens
Strategies to hold boundaries and deliver consequences in a compassionate way
Examples of neutral consequences

Previous Episodes:

Episode 12: When Your Child Is Aggressive: The “Hard No”

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Parenting Is A Long Goodbye Jun 15, 2023

This episode is coming out on the day of my oldest son’s high school graduation. I’ve been thinking, writing and feeling a LOT of feelings lately.

And some of what came out was a poem that I’d like to share with you, titled A Very Long Goodbye. You can hear it in the episode or read it on the blog.

My son is about to arrive at the threshold. We’ve been walking this path together for a really long time, and our relationship is about to change. If you are also in this place of transition, this episode is for you.

Preparing Your Child for Adulthood

I like to think about what it means to be an adult as having all the freedom and all the responsibility at the same time.

When kids are little, they don’t have a lot of freedom or responsibility. You have the power and you are taking care of them.

As you parent your kids, you’re teaching them how to be responsible - with their bodies, their physical wellbeing, their social life, their finances and a ton of other practical things.

And as they learn, you slowly give them pieces of freedom. The two are tethered together.

As freedom increases, responsibility also increases.

When we are parenting a child, we have a lot of control over their environment and circumstances. In the teen years, we start to lose a lot of this control. They begin to make more of their own decisions about what they do and how they show up in the world.

I like to challenge parents instead of doubling down on trying to regain that control, double down on the relationship with your child. Get to know who they are becoming. That connection is what will be left when they walk through that threshold from childhood to adulthood.

The End of Parenting

Parenting is a verb. It is the actions we take when we’re raising our kids. The things we do in order to help them learn to handle the responsibility of being an adult.

We teach our kids with the idea that someday they won’t need us anymore. Ultimately, you should parent yourself out of a job.

Parents sometimes forget that their job of parenting ends when their child becomes an adult. And I think it’s because we confuse the role of parent with the responsibility for parenting.

Adults don’t parent other adults. Soon, life will give consequences to my son, not me.

The tasks of parenting will end. Being a parent will not.

I am a mom. You are a mom. That relationship we have with our kids doesn’t end, even though the act of parenting does.

What Comes Next

I sometimes think about being a mom as being invited to be in the front row, the best seat in the house, to the best show on earth, which is your kid's life. It's a privilege, it's an honor.

And I don't know about you, but I want to continue to have that front row view. We're going to keep showing up. We're going to keep inviting them in.

It's so easy as a parent to see all the areas that our kid isn't performing well or showing up in a good way. But if your adult kid feels like every time they're around you that you're just parenting and teaching and pointing out stuff, it will feel kind of bad. They don’t want to be scrutinized.

They want to be in a relationship with someone who's delighted by them and sees their strengths and all the ways that they are good.

My goal for you is that your kid grows up, and they want to be in a relationship with you because that relationship feels so safe. They feel seen and understood. You unconditionally love and accept who they are.

When everything is said and done, when they walk through that threshold and they step onto the path of their own life, what’s left is the relationship.

Cheers to all of you parents going through transitions right now. I’m in it with you. I’m here for you.

You’ll Learn:

The relationship between freedom and responsibility
The difference between parenting and being a parent
My ultimate goal for you and your kids

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Fix It, Change It, Stop It, Solve It Jun 08, 2023

“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried.

It’s an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation.

Your Kid’s Big Feelings

The most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle.

When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you.

The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too.

The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion.

What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” looks Like

Here are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion.

Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.”

This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it.

Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified.

We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings.

Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different.

This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.”

Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them.

Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion.

You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective.

Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards.

Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling.

Logic-ing. This looks like giving lots of facts, trying to logic them out of their feelings or explaining why the situation is their fault.

Facts are facts, but giving people more information doesn’t solve feelings. We can’t think our way to a new feeling. We have to feel our way through it.

Shutting down. When your emotion (anger, fear, sadness) gets bigger or more intense than your child’s, it’s common to try to shut them down. You have a big reaction to their big feelings.

This often shows up as yelling or other big noises or movements to try to shift your kid’s behavior. It triggers fear, freeze or faint response or people-pleasing. It might work in the short-term, but it isn’t effective in helping your child become an emotionally healthy and self-regulated person.

What your child actually needs from you is co-regulation. They need help soothing their big feelings. They need somebody to recognize and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.

I know you might be thinking, “Oh no, I do all of these things.” Believe me when I tell you that I am so familiar with them because I’ve done them all myself.

We do these things with the best of intentions. We want to protect our kids and ourselves. There’s no need for guilt. It’s an opportunity to notice what you are doing and try a different approach.

What to Do with Big Feelings

Here are a few alternate strategies to try. Take them one at a time (not all at once) and see what works.

Name it. Help your child name the feeling. This is a huge part of emotional literacy, which is made up of: I know what I’m feeling. I know how to talk about it. I know what to do with the feeling.

Move it. Rhythmic body movement regulates our nervous system. It brings our brain back to balance and lessens the intensity of the emotion.

Show it. Ask your child to act out their feeling. How big is it? They can show you with their face, their body, on paper or with a toy. This helps take something that feels really complicated on the inside and puts in on the outside.

Describe it. What color is the feeling? Is it heavy? Is it tight? Is it in your belly? Is it sinking? Is it a buzzy feeling? Is it a hot, burning feeling? Is it murky or is it clear?

Describing feelings using adjectives is incredibly powerful. Then you can play with and manipulate the feeling. Can you change it to a different color? Can you take that tightness and pop it like a balloon?

Distract it. We still want to name and acknowledge the emotion first with this strategy. But sometimes, we just get stuck. We need to go outside, look around, have a snack or a hug to shift gears.

What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings.

When they see that you can handle their emotion, they learn that they can handle it, too. That their feelings aren’t scary. Feelings come and go, and it’s not a problem.

You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them.

You’ll Learn:

How to view your kid’s big feelings as an opportunity instead of a threat
The question to ask yourself as you move your child through their day
How to validate feelings in the midst of out-of-bounds behavior
5 ways to help your kid manage their big feelings

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

How To Be A More Playful Parent Jun 01, 2023

We don’t often talk about fun ways of improving behavior, but today’s episode will give you some strategies to do just that. I’m talking all about how to be a more playful parent so that you actually enjoy your kids more.

We also all want to feel connected and create joyful memories with our kids.

The moments we remember most are the ones that were emotionally charged. The memories aren’t about where you are or what you’re doing. They’re about how you FEEL.

How do you want to feel this summer? Do you want to feel joy? Delight? Do you want to create memories that are filled with laughter and positive emotions?

If so, you’re going to want to chase play and decide in advance that you want to feel more joy.

Playful Parenting

Good memories happen when we are enjoying our kids. when we stop trying to get things done and instead be in the moment and just sit and enjoy something with them.

Being playful doesn’t require that you crawl on the ground playing with cars, dolls or building blocks. If you enjoy doing that, great! If you don’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t be a playful parent.

Being playful is more of an energy. You might be quick to smile, think delightful thoughts about your kids or notice something silly.

As adults, we are so focused on tasks, time and productivity. Kids don’t care about time.

They only care about play. So if we can bring a little bit more playful emotion and energy into a scenario, it goes a long way.

Benefits of Playfulness

Supports learning and growth

Through play, kids try and fail. They explore, create and develop mastery.

If you have a kid who has a tendency toward perfectionism or is a bit more strict with themselves, bringing in a little silliness frees them (and you). They don’t have to do everything “right” because there are no rules in playfulness.

Behavior

We get so serious about behavior sometimes. I talk a lot about limits, boundaries and consequences. But when our goals are for life to be easier, for things to go smoother and to have more joy and fun in our lives, play is a great way to do it.

When you’re playful, you’re close and in connection with your kid. It makes them feel safer and in a better mood.

Processing negative emotions

Play is also helpful for releasing emotional distress for some kids. It isn’t about discounting their feelings, but more about testing to see if they’re open to a smile or a giggle.

Playfulness can be the release valve that turns tears into laughter, which is also a great way to process negative emotion.

Attention

When you’re playful, it naturally brings your kid’s attention to you, which gives you an opportunity to set your limit or say whatever it is you want them to hear.

Your kids are craving for you to play with them. They are craving your joy. They're craving your delight. They can't wait to see you at the end of the school day. They want your eyeballs on them.

We love being in connection with our people, and our kids want that, too.

11 Ways to Be a More Playful Parent

Follow giggles and smiles

Notice when your kids are smiling or giggling and come alongside and join in that playful energy.

Be exaggerated

It’s hard not to smile when you see someone being goofy. Singing, pretending to fall, pretending they’re really strong or doing a silly dance are all great ways to make kids giggle (or roll their eyes if they’re a little older 🙄).

We want to watch the line here so we don’t cross over into mocking. But you can join in with them in a funny voice, going alongside their emotion and making it a little lighter. The key is to be attuned to their emotions and whether or not they want to engage in this way.

Simon Says

This is a great one to move your morning or evening along. Remember that the goal of these games is connection and positive emotion between you and your kid, not manipulating them into compliance.

Simon Says is also a great attention grabber once your child is familiar with it. Kids get really distracted, and this can help bring them back to what they’re supposed to be doing.

Freeze Tag

Run around and play tag. If you get tagged, you have to freeze for 5 or 10 seconds.

Walk Like a ______

Call out an animal for kids to move like on their way to the bathroom or wherever you want them to go.

Gamify Everyday Things

A few examples of this are, “Hey everybody, let’s see if we can beat this song - Finish breakfast and get our socks and shoes on before the song ends!”

Or, “Yesterday, you put your shoes on in 20 seconds. Let’s see if you can do 18 today!”

Mystery item

Put some items on a tray and cover them up. Have kids take turns guessing. They can hide items for you, too.

Love notes

Write a little love note or draw a heart on a slip of paper and casually drop it as you walk by. This is a great way to create appreciation, love and gratitude.

Pillow “fights”

Pillow fights or stuffed animal fights can be a great way to get some of that big body movement out before bed.

Kid sandwich or burrito

Imagine a sandwich with pillows or cushions for bread and a kid in the middle. For a burrito, wrap them up in a blanket and gently roll them back and forth.

This little bit of compression can really help release emotional tension in their body, too.

Let them be the boss

Ask your child to be in charge of where everybody sits at the dinner table tonight or where everything goes on the table. Reverse roles for a little while and let them play pretend.

When Play Goes Wrong

We’ve all had those moments where a game is no longer fun or playful, either for you or for one of your kids.

I want you to feel, as the parent, that you have the freedom to set some boundaries around the play. For example, “We can only play this game if everybody's having fun. It doesn't look like sister’s having fun anymore.”

Or you can shift gears and say, “We can do this for one more minute, and then time’s up.”

Having to shift from play into a leadership energy doesn’t mean that playtime was ruined or that it wasn’t effective. And you don’t have to wait until things get out of hand.

Notice if you're not having fun anymore or if it starts to feel off, and make a plan to end it and move on to something else.

Playfulness looks different for different ages, but a smile goes a long way no matter how old your kids are.

The goal is to have a little bit of lightness in your relationship and bring as much delight as you can into your life. Go give it a try!

You’ll Learn:

The difference between playing with kids and being playful
Benefits of playfulness - for your kids and for you
How to shift into emotional coaching when your kid is not in the mood for play
11 ways to be a more playful parent

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Parenting On Your Own Terms May 25, 2023

On this episode of Become A Calm Mama, we’re going beyond the problems with modern motherhood from last week’s episode and into the details of parenting on your own terms.

There is a lot of pressure to fit into society’s expectations, but the way we’re told to measure performance in motherhood can actually be harmful to our kids and to us as moms.

The goal isn’t to “perform” as a mom or to prove to others that you’re a “good” mom. This is what leads us to burnout, overwhelm and guilt.

Instead, I want to help you prioritize your child's emotional health, focus on building strong relationships with them and create a family and community that aligns with your values.

Parenting Fears

There is a lot of fear and worry in parenting. Things like…

I don't want my kid to grow up and not like me, not like themselves or not be liked by others.

I don’t want my kid to not know how to be in the world or how to be successful.

My kid isn’t going to be okay.

To alleviate our fears, we often try to do everything “right”.

We think that if we do everything perfectly, our kids won't experience pain or discomfort. They won't have any negative experiences, and you will have done your job as a mom.

But that's not how the world works. You cannot prevent pain or discomfort.

Your job as a parent is to give your kids the tools to navigate negative emotions and negative circumstances when (not if) they happen.

And one of the best ways we can do this is by letting them know they’re okay exactly as they are.

Parenting On Your Terms

Rather than parenting from fear, let’s parent from a place of leadership.

The first step to parenting on your own terms is deciding for yourself what is important to you.

I frame my parenting experience in terms of three goals:

My kids’ emotional health and wellbeing
My relationship with my kids
My own mental and emotional wellbeing

So when I make parenting decisions or decisions about how we spend our resources (i.e. time, money and energy), I always look at them through these three lenses.

There are times that I’ve had to drop some expectations on fitting in or showing up in a certain way in order to protect my kids’ emotional health or my relationship with them or my own mental wellbeing.

Sometimes, this looks selfish from the outside.

But it also allows me to go back to what matters to our family. The goals I’ve chosen for myself help me to look at a situation and ask, “Where are my kids right now, and what do they need help and support with?”

External v. Internal Validation

There are all these external ways that society judges our performance as moms. Things like your kids getting good grades, being kind to everyone, dressing well, being athletic, creative or funny.

These are things that society and our communities value. The reward is fitting in, being able to obtain resources and favors and connections because we (and our kids) show up in a way that is socially acceptable.

And if you don’t perform in these ways, there is a cost.

The fear of not being accepted or our kids not being accepted brings up major insecurities, and it can feel really scary to choose our goals over these social norms because we may not be accepted.

The problem is that when you work really hard at earning that social capital and acceptance, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and on your kids to perform at a certain level.

We’re afraid of how our kids’ emotional health will be affected by not being accepted. But true emotional wellbeing is internal. It comes from deep self love.

What your child really needs from you is to feel unconditional acceptance from their parent. Inoculate them from social harm by giving them the belief that they are okay exactly as they are.

When you find yourself comparing your kid to some standard in your head, it is an opportunity to pause, reset and reframe back to your standards and what is important to you.

Selfishness in Parenting

The underlying message we’re trying to avoid giving our kids is that they have to conform in order to be acceptable. They need to change in order for people to like them. They need to be better in order to be worthy.

And if we don’t want our kids to get that message, we have to get rid of it for ourselves, too.

It requires us to heal and gives us the opportunity to work out some of our own insecurities.

In our society, women are rewarded for being sacrificial. We are given social capital if we show up in this way.

And, unfortunately, we sometimes have to choose to give up some of this social credit or validation in order to gain emotional health. But taking care of your own wellbeing is the way you teach your kids to take care of themselves.

You get to decide what's most important to you as a mom, and you get to make decisions based on those things.

And yes, there might be some cost to it, but in the long term, the best thing you can give your child is that they like themselves. And you can give them that gift.

You’ll Learn:

*The challenges of societal pressures and expectations in parenting
*How to redefine success in parenting
*Some of my favorite thought shifts and mindset tricks to come back to what’s most important

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

The Problem With Modern Motherhood May 18, 2023

Why are modern moms so burned out? What is the problem with modern motherhood that has us feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and guilty?

In this episode, I’m talking about the big picture and the expectations around motherhood to help you understand why you feel so overwhelmed.

Because it's not just that your kid is spitting out their food or not cleaning up their room or didn't put their shoes on or got a bad grade or hit their friend or did something wrong at school. That's not actually why we're so overwhelmed.

We have created a dynamic in our society where the expectations are too high on moms.

Guilt in Motherhood

I’ve had a few conversations recently with moms about guilt. May is a crazy month when it comes to kids. There are extra activities and school events that parents are expected to be at. Some of these pop up last minute or happen in the middle of the workday.

Of course, you get to feel sad if you’re missing something, but there’s this other layer of guilt that seems to come along with it.

And I think this is often where the burnout and overwhelm begin. Unrealistic expectations lead to sadness and guilt. Then, we criticize ourselves for feeling that way. And we don’t take the time to process any of those negative emotions, so they kinda hang around.

Our society has created an ideal mother and a dream of motherhood that has been presented to us primarily through social media. And the standards just keep getting more and more intense.

Unrealistic Expectations in Motherhood

In modern society, as a mom, you're responsible for SO MUCH, and it wasn’t always this way.

Education

Modern moms get the story that your child's education and academic achievement is on your plate. Parents have been told that there's an ideal standard that you should strive for. And if you don't strive for it, you aren't helping your kid reach their potential.

If you didn’t get them into the “right” school and you're not doing homework with them and reading with them every night and monitoring their schoolwork and checking their grades, then that means you're not a good mom.

Previous generations didn’t have access to most of this information. But now that we do have access, it becomes our responsibility to monitor it.

Most parents are not child development experts or teachers, but we’re expected to know and do all this stuff anyway.

Food

You know the story…feed your kids healthy foods, watch their sugar, have family dinners, but also only feed your kids things they like.

We feel bad because our kids like junk food, but they’re offered it all the time. And then if you don’t want them to have junk, you get labeled as “that mom”.

It’s too much to manage. We can’t compete with our society all the time.

Screens

The same thing happens with screens. Everyone is telling you not to let your kids do too much screen time, but no one is telling us what is too much and there are all these other “rules” we’re supposed to follow when they do use screens.

Our kids love screens because they’re fun and interesting and great. And you know what? So do we.

Setting limits and boundaries around screens is a challenge on its own, and then they bring tablets and Chromebooks home from school anyway.

All the activities

We’re already trying to balance academics, education, diet and screen time. But they shouldn’t just do school! Kids should also…

Play sports to develop social skills and leadership and move their bodies.
Do something creative, like art or music.
Have some kind of religious education (if your family is religious).
Learn another language, especially if you speak a language other than English in your family.

But then your kids don’t have time to play and you find yourselves overscheduled and doing too much. 😭😭😭

But when the pressure to do things is so intense, how are you supposed to opt out?

Self Care

I want you to take excellent care of yourself, move your body and see your friends.

But the message we often receive is that you should prioritize yourself, but also get everything else done - work, making appointments, tidy up, volunteer at school, drive your kids around, organize your house, feed your family healthy food and get them to bed.

Work

There’s also the idea that working is helpful, so if you love work (or need to work), you should…

But don’t work too much or your kids will feel neglected. So you better do it right and find the right balance.

Gentle Parenting

This is a new one in the last 20 years or so, and I do teach gentle, connected parenting.

But sometimes the message becomes that you are supposed to not just manage everything, but you’re never supposed to be unhappy about it.

You’re being told to let your kids have all the temper tantrums and big feelings, but you don’t get to express any of yours.

I teach you to manage your nervous system in the midst of misbehavior. Then, set limits so that you’re not permissive. Teach your kids how to express their feelings within a limit.

We were not raised this way, and it is not easy.

You might be putting pressure on yourself to be the perfect gentle parent. None of us is going to be perfect. I’m a human being. You’re a human being. We lose our cool sometimes.

Unrealistic Expectations of Mothers

We have a lot of models of different ways moms organize their homes and feed their families, and some of them are really beautiful. It looks like these moms have it all together - the perfect houses, perfect bodies, perfect kids, perfect everything.

There’s a lot of pressure on you to achieve all of that.

The message you’re getting as a mom is be super chill while you get all the shit done. If you don't get all the shit done, you're going to fuck up your kids, and it's going to be your fault. And if you're overwhelmed and frustrated, it's probably because you're doing it wrong.

What I want to help you see is that if you’re finding yourself feeling overwhelmed, guilty and burned out, it’s time to look at what you are trying to achieve. Is it that perfect (and unrealistic) Instagram version of motherhood?

How To Avoid Burnout in Motherhood

There are a lot of expectations in modern motherhood, and those expectations are built around other people's goals.

The standards are simply too high, and all of this leads to burnout.

Burnout is when you have a lot of stressors, expectations and demands in your life, and those demands are greater than the time you have to recover from them.

Reset

It's 100% okay to have stress and be busy. That's inevitable, right? But you want to make sure you're building in periods of time where you get your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul back to a new baseline.

At the end of an intense week, it’s okay to take Saturday and not do anything. Rest, do screen time and takeout. Be gracious with yourself without the guilt.

Decide what is important to you

Over the years, I’ve had to decide what I care about the most and what my goals are. When I’m clear on what I want to focus on and why it’s important to me, I can weed through all those other expectations and decide if they fit the big picture vision and goal for my family.

The three goals I prioritize for my family are:

My kids’ emotional health and wellbeing
My relationship with my children
My personal mental and emotional wellbeing

When you prioritize your family and what you and your kids need at any given time, it will mean saying no to something else.

You get to be in charge of your life. You get to say yes, and you get to say no. People are going to be annoyed. People are going to have opinions and feelings.

The way out of burnout and guilt is by defining what motherhood means for you and what you want from this experience. What matters the most to you?

Your perceived failings in motherhood have nothing to do with you.

You are great. You are an incredible person. You are an incredible mother. You measure up in 100,000 ways. I want you to enjoy your life, your kids and this experience of motherhood.

You’ll Learn:

Why we feel so overwhelmed as moms
My trick for deciding whether something is right for my family, my kids or myself
How parenting is like a Ferris wheel

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

How Mother's Day Changes Over Time May 11, 2023

As we move through the journey of motherhood, the way we experience Mother’s Day, and what we need from it, changes. Today, I’m reflecting on my own experience of how Mother’s Day changes over time and connecting to different stages of motherhood.

Different stages of parenting are challenging in different ways. When they’re younger, what we want most might just be a break from our kids, but as they get older we might crave more time with them.

Very early on, I realized that I wanted to create a day that worked best for me, so I started to create an intentional Mother's Day.

And I want to give you permission (and tools) to create whatever it is that you want for your Mother's Day experience.

Mother’s Day Over Time

My oldest son, Lincoln, is almost 19 years old. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, including thinking back to the past 18 Mother’s Days I’ve experienced.

My needs have changed over the period of time that I've been a mom. And what the caregiving to my kids looked like had a lot to do with what my emotional needs were at that time.

And I can look back at the different Mother's Day choices that I've made and I can see how those different needs showed up.

When I first became a mom, it was really important to me to create some sort of family dynamic. I wanted to have this idyllic version of our family. I wanted to create a cherished memory on Mother’s Day, and I was trying to create this Instagram-worthy Mother’s Day that I had in my mind (before the actual days of Instagram).

A few years in, I realized that this Mother’s Day thing wasn’t working for me. I wasn’t getting my needs met. So, I started to think about what I actually wanted and needed out of this day? How did I want to feel?

In those early years, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to shop, get a cup of coffee, lay in bed and be in my house by myself.

And I know it might feel strange to you to have a Mother’s Day where you don’t spend time with your kids, but if they’re little, you might be spending a LOT of time with them every other day.

Once the kids were in school, I started to notice that I was really craving time with my friends, with other mothers. So maybe we’d do something as a family in the morning, and I’d go have coffee or dinner with friends.

I also noticed that I wanted to be more active, doing things like going for hikes or to the beach. I wanted to get outside and move my body. There was also a season when I wanted to spend time with each kid alone on Mother’s Day.

And as my kids got into middle school, I started to notice that my experience of Mother’s Day, and motherhood in general, was a little bit less about my needs because my needs were already being met pretty well.

This year, I want to go on an adventure and do something totally different with my teenagers. We spend less time as a full family lately. Our kids have jobs and school and social lives. I want us all to be together just having fun.

I share all of this not because you need to do the same things that I did, but because sometimes as moms, we’re not even tuned in to what it is we want and need.

If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, what would that look like?

Your answer will give clues to what kinds of activities you’re craving or missing.

Mother’s Day Boundaries

Now I’m guessing you are not the only mother in your life. Maybe your own mother, mother-in-law or other women close to you are celebrating Mother’s Day, too, and they want you to be a part of it.

This becomes a little complicated once you’re a mom yourself. It’s hard to satisfy your own needs AND you mom’s needs.

My maybe unpopular opinion…The person who is currently raising children should have dibs on Mother’s Day. You can celebrate with your mom or mother-in-law on Saturday or next weekend.

This might be hard. You might feel guilty.

But I want you to feel like you have the right to take excellent care of yourself in whatever way you need and want. You’re not responsible for designing the perfect Mother’s Day for your mother. You can advocate for yourself and find a solution that will work for everyone.

What I don’t want is for you to make it work for everyone but you. I don't want you to spend Mother's Day celebrating and honoring everybody, all the other mothers, and then not and not honoring yourself.

It is 100% okay for you to say, I'm tired and I have some needs here. I'm lonely and I have some needs here. I'm bored and I have some needs here. And use Mother's Day as a way to get those needs met.

I wish you the most precious Mother’s Day. I hope that you fill your cup and have a really wonderful, intentional day. Decide what you want, ask for it and make it happen.

You’ll Learn:

How our needs as moms change over time
Questions to figure out what your ideal Mother’s Day looks like
How to balance your wishes for Mother’s Day with celebrating your own mother (or the other mothers in your life)

Previous Episodes:

Episode 14 - How To Enjoy Mother’s Day https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/how-to-enjoy-mothers-day

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Screen Time Strategies May 04, 2023

Today I'm tackling the topic of screens, screen time limits, devices, all of it. And I am going to help you feel better about your kids’ device use. This is a master class on managing screens in your family. So grab a pen and paper and get ready.

Let’s be honest - we all love screens.

I love lots of things, like nature, my friends, my kids, my dogs. And I really like being on my phone and watching TV.

But the fact that our kids also love devices drives us crazy as parents. We know devices are fun for them, but we’re annoyed when they won’t put them down. We worry about them getting too much screen time, and we don’t like the way they act when it’s time to stop.

Why Screens Are Hard

I see a lot of parents that are really worried that their child is addicted to screens. They ask for device time frequently, and then they don’t want to stop. We use this as evidence that they’re addicted.

Parents also have conflicting feelings around screen time, which can be really confusing.

We feel compassion because they want to connect with their friends and have something to do. But then we feel guilty because we don’t know if we’re doing the right thing or how much screen time is too much.

When you’re feeling worried, frustrated, annoyed, guilty and confused, you aren’t going to make the clearest decisions.

What We All Want When it Come to Screens

When it comes to our goal for parenting with screens, I’m guessing that you want your family to feel balanced and connected to each other. You want screen time to be a part of your life, but not completely consuming your life. You don't want it to be everything your kids do.

I bet you also want there to be less fighting when you say no to screen time or when it’s time to stop.

And you also probably want to feel really clear about your rules around screens and to see that it is possible to implement them with more ease.

5 Obstacles Parents Face Around Screen Time

You judge your kid’s desire for the device

When they ask for screen time, you feel upset by their desire.

The truth is, we all love our devices, and screens are an easy way for the brain to be entertained or distracted. It helps us get rid of that uncomfortable bored feeling.

Their inability to put down the device on their own does not mean your kid is lazy, unmotivated or anything else. Video games and social media are designed to keep the viewer engaged and keep them coming back.

The pull of the device is natural.

Thinking your kid is “addicted”

This is one that I hear a lot. Not only is it not true in the vast majority of families, but this thought creates fear in you and makes the situation more emotionally charged.

If you are thinking that your kid is addicted, you're going to look for evidence of that being true.

Evidence like:

They ask for it all the time
They don't like to get off
They seem physically affected by screens
They prefer screens over being with people
They don't know how to stop

But instead, I want you to think that the desire for devices is normal. It doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong.

Kids like things that are fun, and being on a device is fun. Wanting something doesn’t mean someone is addicted.

Your kids not being okay with being bored

When you start setting limits around screens, your kid is going to have big feelings. If your child isn't okay with being bored, it's going to be a big issue for you at the beginning because their brain does not know quite yet how to shift into something new.

When kids are bored, they feel uncomfortable. I call this the Boredom Gap.

The good news is that the more time they spend away from devices, the more comfortable they will become spending time away from devices.

Confusion around what is the right amount of screen time

This is one that you need to figure out for yourself (but I’m here to help!) What do you want balance to look like in your family?

Think about all the things happening in a 24-hour period: sleep, school, meals, homework, chores, sports, play, family time, etc.

How much is left of open or discretionary time? Do screens fit into that time?

Another approach is thinking about if your kid seems off-balance at all. If so, you can set a limit to create more time and opportunity for the things you think are most important for them.

You get to create any rule or limit that you want in your family. The more committed you are to the limit, the more you love your reasons and the more comfortable you are with your child’s big feelings, the easier it will be to set the boundaries that you want.

Not having a plan

Parents often feel like they don’t have a lot of power over their kids’ screen use. They need it for schoolwork, all their friends are online, etc. It leads to a lack of parental leadership.

Ultimately, I think we’re worried that our kids are being left out or that our kids are going to get behind.

You are strong enough to set limits and handle the discomfort that comes with it.

Step into your role as the leader of your family and make a plan, write it out and create an ideal week for you and your kids’ screen use.

How to Set Limits Around Screen Time

Until they’re through middle school, your kids are not going to be able to manage their screen use on their own. They just aren’t capable yet of setting their own boundaries and being accountable to them.

There are three steps to setting a limit around screens.

Figure out what you want

Think about your family, your week and your days.

When do you want your kids to use devices? How much time can they use it? Which devices or games can they use?

Communicate the limit

Communicate to your kids the rules and limits around screen use, using the Limit Setting Formula.

For example, “You’re welcome to watch one show as long as your chores are done first.”

You’ll also need limits around when screen time is over. Something like, “You’re welcome to use screens as long as there are no problems when it’s time to get off.”

Hold the limit

Here's what's going to happen. You’re going to tell them the limit, and they are absolutely going to do all the shenanigans that they always do when it’s time to get off the device. There is definitely going to be a problem because until now, there's been no reason for them to change their behavior.

I want you to avoid rescuing them from the consequence by reminding and nagging them to turn it off. Stand patiently.

Then, the next time it’s supposed to be device time, you say, “no screens because of what happened last time.”

They’ll promise to be good, they might blame a sibling (or you) or beg for their device.

Hold your ground. Let them respond and show compassion and connection. Let them know you understand they really want their device and that’s okay. Let them get through the Big Feeling Cycle and trust that their brain will find a solution.

You get to make the rules in your family. Be confident in your reasons, but don't feel the need to explain them to your kids. You don't need to argue or explain or justify or lecture.

It's okay if your kids don't like your limits. It's okay if they're mad at you. It's okay if they're disappointed. It's okay for your children to have negative emotion.

Stay committed to your limit. Be compassionate in that limit, and they will be able to overcome their discomfort.

You’ll Learn:

Why our kids are so drawn to screens (and it’s not because they’re addicted)
Ways to reframe your thoughts around screen time
Examples of screen time limits
How to be the leader of your family

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Peaceful Dinners & Picky Eaters Apr 27, 2023

Are you struggling with picky eaters at your dinner table? Do you find yourself making separate meals for yourself and your kids? As a parent, mealtime can be stressful, especially if your kids refuse to eat the food you serve them.

Mealtime can be more enjoyable for everyone - including you.

On this episode of Become A Calm Mama, we’ll explore why some kids are picky eaters, while others are not and common struggles and mistakes when it comes to feeding your kids. I’ll also share strategies for transitioning into dinnertime and for encouraging kids to try new foods and become healthy, well-rounded eaters.

Your Responsibilities

Before we dive into specific situations and strategies, let’s get clear on your role.

The fact is, you can’t make your child eat. This is the same idea with any sort of behavior. Our kids will make their own choices. So what part of this equation is under your control?

As the parent, you are responsible for providing food and deciding what food will be available, when and where. You provide access to food and the opportunity for them to eat.

You are the leader. You can certainly be considerate of other family members’ likes and dislikes, but you ultimately decide what foods are available.

Your child is responsible for whether they eat and how much.

Creating Peaceful Family Dinners

Having your kids constantly say things like, “I don’t like that”, “I don’t want to eat that”, “That’s not what I asked for” can wear you down.

If you want to make one meal, sit down as a family and have everyone eat the same thing, start with the family table.

The Family Table

The family table is not just about getting fed; it's also about social, emotional, and cultural values regarding food. It’s about sharing, connecting with others and creating memories.

Serving food on platters instead of plating it can strengthen the family table. Think family-style rather than single-plate restaurant-style. This allows each person at the table to decide for themselves what they want to eat and how much. Your child feels a sense of control over what and how much they’re eating.

As usual, your state of mind plays a huge role here, too. When your feelings about your child’s eating habits are more neutral, it creates more emotional freedom for your child. It becomes less charged and they will be able to follow their own cues and learn to eat for themselves more easily.

Getting Kids to the Table

One of the biggest challenges parents face is the transition from playtime to mealtime. Kids may not want to stop playing and sit down to eat, which can lead to behavior issues at the table.

I really like to involve children in setting the table, filling up water cups or other simple tasks to help them transition into the expectations of mealtime.

This often works even better when you give kids a choice between setting the table now or in five minutes. It requires them to think and make a decision and gives the brain time to shift into the new activity.

Limits for Peaceful Dinners

Practicing Good Manners

No mom wants to hear that the dinner she prepared is “disgusting”, so we can set limits around how our kids express their preferences.

For example, “It’s okay to not want to eat something. You can say ‘No, thank you’ and choose something else from the table.”

Sitting at the family table

This ties into a limit of when food is available. Maybe when they leave the table, that’s it for the night. Or maybe you include a small before-bed snack in your evening routine.

You can also set a limit around how long they are expected to stay at the table. I love using a candle to signify the beginning and end of family dinnertime.

I want you to know that it’s okay for your child to feel a little hungry sometimes. This is a big way to learn that it’s good to eat when food is available.

Behavior

You can set limits or rules around behaviors or other things that might be disruptive during dinner. No toys at the table was one of my rules when the boys were younger.

Other limits might look like, You are welcome to sit at the table, as long as…

Your bottom is on the chair
You’re using your fork
There is no fighting at the table
There are no problems at dinner

Strategies for Picky Eaters

Here’s what I know: If you always serve a separate meal to the picky eater, they won’t have the opportunity to grow and become a more adventurous eater.

I think of this as consider, don’t cater. You can always have something on the table that your picky eater will like, while still making them a part of what is available to everybody.

Children will learn to like new food by seeing it on the table again and again. Kids are naturally inquisitive, and when they are exposed to a lot of different foods, they tend to become less picky.

You can even start with a single food that you want them to grow into eating. Plan to have this food on the table consistently and serve it up on a family-style platter.

Encourage them to explore it. They don’t have to eat it, but maybe they can put it on their plate, pick it up, touch it to their mouth, etc. They’re getting used to it little by little.

Another strategy is to have your child create a “never ever” list. What foods would they never ever want to try?

The idea is to give them a sense of control over what they eat, while continuing to expose them to new foods and giving them the opportunity to try them.

Getting Help For Your Picky Eater

Some picky eaters have a genuine food aversion. Struggling with the texture, smell or sight of food is a good clue that sensory issues are at play. You can also look at whether they have sensitivities to things away from the dinner table, like tags, socks, wind, or sound.

If you suspect that your child is struggling with sensory issues, it's important to speak to a doctor and explore this further. Similarly, physical limitations such as difficulty chewing and swallowing (it takes 26 muscles to swallow!) may also be a barrier to trying new foods. Seeking help from a doctor or occupational therapist can be beneficial in addressing these issues.

You’ll also want to check with your pediatrician if your child’s eating habits are affecting their social development, they aren’t gaining weight or they are experiencing gastrointestinal problems.

One of my sons was a very picky eater. I tried a lot of approaches that didn’t work, and I felt like a failure. There was so much anxiety around this issue for me, and I often felt mad, frustrated or afraid that he would be unhealthy, underweight and not socially accepted.

Ultimately, I decided that our relationship was more important than his diet. I decided that my goal was just to get enough calories in him. I redefined what success looked like for me in that situation.

If you have a really picky eater, I challenge you to become more neutral about it and find a little more trust that it will work out. Eventually, your kid is going to figure out how to eat.

You can decide that your job is to give access and opportunity and the rest is up to your kid.

You’ll Learn:

What you are and aren’t responsible for when it comes to feeding your kid
How to create a more peaceful and pleasant mealtime experience
Tips for getting your picky eater to try new foods
When to seek help for your child’s picky eating
My story of raising a picky eater

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Sleep Struggles Helping Kids Master Self-Soothing Skills Apr 20, 2023

Getting your child to bed (and asleep for the night) is often easier said than done. And while it can be super frustrating for us as parents, it’s pretty hard for our kids, too. One of the best ways to overcome common sleep struggles is by helping our kids master self-soothing skills.

Today, you’ll learn why getting to sleep and staying asleep is so challenging for kids at different ages and stages and strategies to help make bedtime a little smoother.

Our goal is to help them fall asleep on their own, stay asleep, and then put themselves back to sleep if they wake up. There are a lot of ways to do it, and there is no timeline.

Why Kids Resist Bedtime

You may not be surprised to hear me say that kids’ ability to self-soothe and fall asleep on their own at bedtime has a lot to do with regulating their emotions.

There are a few common emotional situations that come up at bedtime.

For many kids, it’s as simple as this: Bedtime means the end of everything good. It’s the end of playtime, time with you and all the fun things.

They might also experience fear, disconnection and loneliness being on their own in the dark and quiet.

Sometimes, our kids have too much energy. Maybe they didn’t get enough movement during the day or spent a lot of time on screens. They’re just not feeling tired.

And even though it sounds counterintuitive, kids who are overtired also have a hard time at bedtime. When they’re overtired but still awake, the brain kicks into a state of alertness, and it can be really difficult to settle the nervous system.

Common Sleep Struggles

When your child is feeling lonely, sad or afraid (or just disappointed the fun had to end), those feelings come out in all kinds of behaviors.

Not wanting you to leave, jack in the box, calling out, taking a long time to fall asleep, night, waking and being afraid of monsters are all really common challenges between the ages of 2 and 5 years old.

Then maybe you get to a point around age 4 or 5 where your kid is sleeping great…but then something changes. They start waking up again in the night. What happened?!

Between ages 5 and 7, dreams start showing up, and kids can remember their dreams after they wake up. So not only do they have the fear from the dream they just had, they are afraid that they will have those nightmares again if they go back to sleep.

This is also the age where kids start to be more aware of the world around them and understand that there are things out in the world that can hurt them and that you can’t always be watching them (including when they’re sleeping).

How To Help Kids Self-Soothe

The first thing I encourage you to do when your kid is struggling to fall asleep on their own is to validate that this is hard for them.

Learning to fall asleep is hard. Being separated from your parents is hard. It’s dark, they’re alone, they don’t get to play or be with you. Bedtime is hard.

You don’t have to change this circumstance. You can just acknowledge it and validate how they are feeling.

Then, you can set limits. This looks like saying, “Your feelings make sense, but what are you going to do about it? You have to stay in your bed, so what can you do to help yourself feel safe? What can you do to help yourself feel less scared?”

Maybe it’s a simple fix like a night light or a noise machine, or leaving something of yours with them for comfort.

I love the option of inviting your child to sleep in a little bed made of blankets in your room as long as they don’t wake you up.

With kids that are a little older, especially around ages 5-7, remember that they might be experiencing fear of things like robbers, a house fire, etc.

In this case, talk to them about those fears and share the ways that you are keeping them safe. Remind them that their bad dreams aren’t real. You can use a worry jar or some visualization to help them calm their minds for sleep.

Other Sleep Strategies

Regulate your own emotions

You know what doesn’t help your kids fall asleep? Guilt trips, lectures, yelling and threats.

Rather than teaching your kid to self-soothe, these strategies actually activate their stress response and make it even harder to fall asleep.

Kids who are feeling afraid, worried or stressed need calm parents. So working on your own emotional regulation is going to be really helpful.

Routines

Your family’s bedtime routine can be whatever you want it to be. Keeping that routine the same as often as you can signals to the brain that we're going to sleep soon.

New Sleep Disruptions

If your child has had a good sleep routine, and suddenly they start to get up a lot or resist going to sleep, it’s probably temporary.

These disruptions can happen for lots of reasons, like a developmental leap, changes in the family (e.g. new baby, moving, divorce, etc.) or at school.

Look for clues of what else could be going on when they are having sleep trouble and having a curious conversation with them about it.

Consider what they’ve been watching. Is there a new storyline in their favorite show that might be bringing up fear or other big feelings? When possible, set a limit of no screens in the hour leading up to bedtime.

Try big body movement before bed. As a mom of two rambunctious boys, this one saved me! They needed to get those wiggles out.

Remember, sleep is complicated. Don’t judge yourself when new struggles pop up. Try some different approaches and get curious about what will work for your family and your child at their current stage of development.

You’ll Learn:

Why kids resist bedtime at different ages
Why you might see disruptions in sleep after things have been going well
Examples of what to say to your child when they struggle to fall asleep
Ideas for limit-setting at bedtime
Lots of ideas for how to calm your child’s fears and teach them to self-soothe

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Discontentment & Motherhood Apr 13, 2023

I recently got back from traveling across the country to visit New York City with my two teenage sons. There was one moment in particular on this most recent trip that sums up the experience of discontentment and motherhood and how I’ve been able to start moving toward more contentment.

I hope that this story and the tools I share today will help you move toward more satisfaction with your own experience of parenthood, as well.

Discontentment & Motherhood

Before we jump into the story, there’s something about my past self that you need to understand.

I have this old belief hanging around that things are never good enough. I always thought that things should be better. That I should do more to make our moments better. I have a general dissatisfaction with things and it shows up in parenting, as well as in the rest of my life.

This constant feeling of being a little bit dissatisfied with so many things in my life is one of the big reasons I got into life coaching for myself.

This is an ongoing struggle for me, and one of my 2023 goals is to cultivate more contentment.

Shifting Out of Discontentment

My sons and I recently flew across the country from L.A. to New York, checked into our hotel and went to get some dinner.

While I was sitting there, I noticed that I felt unhappy, disconnected from my kids and disappointed.

So I got curious and started to coach myself through what I was feeling and thinking.

I noticed some negative thoughts coming up about my kids, so I made a shift.

I looked at them and thought to myself, “These are my kids. These are the people I raised.”

And I felt satisfied and content.

They’re not perfect. They’re humans. They’re just regular people, but they’re MY people. I’m their mom.

I have big dreams, big plans and big desires for my life. And they've happened.

But there’s still this tug of, “but it's not good enough”. It’s the thought that I don't have the right to feel settled. If I do, I’ll never achieve anything.

But in that moment at the ramen restaurant with my boys, those weren’t the first thoughts that came through. It was, “These are the people you raised. You did it.”

Finding Contentment

My parenting journey is in a transitional period with one kid going to college and another learning to drive and going into his senior year.

These teen years are tricky.

On one hand, you need to let them go. To give them more freedom and responsibility. You’re handing them their life so they can go out into the world and be whoever they're supposed to be.

And on the other hand, you're scared that if you let go, they'll get hurt, they'll get in trouble, they'll fuck up.

You're also afraid that if you let go, they'll leave and not come back, and you won't have a relationship.

My goal has always been for them to have the emotional tools and skills to manage their own feelings and thoughts, to move through negative emotion, to be resilient in the midst of hard things and to take personal responsibility.

When I look at my kids I see those goals and values I’ve held around being a mom, and I see that they’re on their way.

I feel that I've moved from being the leader of their lives. They're making most of their decisions. I am now the guide while they become the leader.

Watching us go through this transition has been hard, painful and difficult. But I can look at our relationships and see that I did it. We stayed close. We stayed connected. I have a really genuine relationship with each of the kids, and I am so grateful for that.

I’m thankful that I am not looking at my life now, or my children with regret or dissatisfaction.

And I’m glad that I’ve done the personal work I’ve done so that I could enjoy it.

There was a moment at that table when it felt like my old habit could easily have slipped in. I could have been dissatisfied. I could have criticized or lectured them. But instead, I just slipped into contentment. And the rest of the trip, I was so delighted.

This trip was the end of an era of traveling with my children, because now I'm going to be traveling with my adult children.

So if you have little kids and you’re listening to this, here’s what I want you to know: Enjoy the ride.

It happens in the small moments. If there’s any part of you that can pause and just say, “yeah, these are the people I’m raising. I’m doing it.” Be in the moment as much as you can, even if it’s hard.

The feeling I’m chasing right now is contentment, satisfaction, gratitude.

What do you want to think and feel about what’s happening right now? How do you want to remember this time? What feeling are you chasing?

You’ll Learn:

The tricky thought that keeps sneaking up on me
A simple thought shift to find more contentment in parenting
How to see the moments of today in a way that you’ll want to remember them in the future

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Developmental Stages Birth To Teens Apr 06, 2023

In today’s episode, I’m walking you through all of the developmental stages of your child’s life, all the way from birth through adolescence to 18 or 19 years old. This is going to help you really understand what's normal at different stages or ages, what kids are struggling with and how you can support your child's development.

Developmental Stages

The information I’m sharing today is based on the work of psychologist Erik Erikson, who outlined eight psychosocial stages of development.

Birth to Toddlerhood

During the first year and a half of life, your child is trying to figure out if they can trust the people around them. Am I safe? Are the people around me safe? Are they taking care of me?

This is where trust is built with the primary caregiver. It’s also the time when they are struggling and learning to self-soothe.

As you can probably guess, the child needs a lot of support in this stage. As a parent, your role is to meet their basic needs in a loving environment. Showing that you are trustworthy and helping them to sleep, stay warm, stay clean, feed them and help them self-soothe.

When you can show your child that they can count on you, they will form a secure attachment and feel safe in the world.

Late Toddlerhood

From about 18 months to 3 years, the question becomes something more like, “Can I do things myself?”

They are working to develop control over their body. This shows up in areas like toilet training, picking out their own clothes, deciding what they want to eat, what cup they drink out of, etc.

It can sometimes seem like they’re being difficult, but they’re really just trying to assert control over their body and their choices. They also tend to move very slowly at this stage - struggling with getting dressed, putting on their socks and shoes, buckling their seat belt, etc.

As the parent, you want to help them get to the answer of, “Yes, I can do things myself.” This helps them build self-confidence. The challenge for you is to slow down and let them do it.

Preschool Years

During the preschool years, from about three to five years old, kids start to ask themselves, “Am I good or bad?”

They use play as a way to experiment with this in different environments. And it’s an interesting balance because they want to feel like they have some power over their environment but also want boundaries to help them learn what is and isn’t okay.

They might act very bossy and powerful, but they also feel very sensitive to our feedback. They can’t really tell the difference between their identity and their behavior. So when we say, “I don’t like when you do that,” they hear, “I don’t like you.”

The goal in this stage is avoid excessive criticism and to speak the identity we want for them: You are a good listener, you follow directions well, you are a good kid, etc.

It can be challenging to give them power over their environment while still keeping them safe, so we can give them lots of choices. This way, you can limit the options they have while giving them the power to choose.

As a parent, you don’t have to change the environment for them. You don’t have to fix their problems. You’re giving them power and choice, so they learn how to live within their environment.

Elementary School

Once kids get into elementary school, they start to ask, “Am I good at things?”

Of course, we want them to answer “yes”. At this stage, they start to figure more things out outside of the home - in school, sports, enrichment activities, church, etc. They also start being evaluated on their performance through grades and scores.

Their goal is to develop a sense of competency in learning and doing things. They’re trying a lot of new things and figuring out all the rules.

So it makes sense that kids this age struggle with self-doubt. They might start to compare themselves to their peers and where they fall in the levels of competency and achievement.

You might also see them not working as hard, saying they can’t do it or wanting to give up. This can be hard to witness. But it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or that they won’t be successful at something. Don’t make their struggle mean anything except that they’re learning.

As a parent, adopting a growth mindset for your kid is one of the best things you can do. This looks like letting them be beginners and work up to higher skills, normalizing that they won’t be good at everything and that’s okay.

Middle School & High School

The primary question as our kids move into middle school and high school becomes, “Who am I?” This is much more open-ended than the big questions they’ve worked through in previous stages. It is not a yes or no, and there are a lot of different factors that go into developing that identity.

Identity is a complex concept that includes all of the beliefs, ideals, and values that help shape and guide a person's behavior. It’s our personal identity that exists within the social framework of society.

Your child largely answers this question through their social relationships. They might “try on” different identities and explore different friends and activities to see what fits them best.

They’re trying to figure out how to both express their individual self and where they belong in society.

A powerful thing you can do as a parent in the teen years is to start talking about what they’re good at and point out their strengths. This can be really challenging, but it also helps them to build a positive image of themselves.

Ask them about their interests and what they’re drawn to. So much of adolescence is spent on school, but their identity is so much more than that.

Teens also need plenty of time to spend alone as they try new things and new identities. This feels really scary for us as parents, but it is really good for them from a developmental standpoint.

Giving more independence and responsibility and practicing trusting your teen are other important pieces of them building their identity.

Our kids struggle in every stage. And that’s okay. You are there to guide them, and I am here to help you through it every step of the way.

You’ll Learn:

The questions that define each stage of your child’s development
Common struggles at each stage and how you can support your child
Extra tips and strategies for navigating the teen years

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Parenting Stress Cycles Part 3 (Reframing Behavior) Mar 30, 2023

Today’s episode is part three of a three-part series all about parenting stress cycles. If you haven’t listened to parts one and two, be sure to go back and check them out.

In this episode, I’m teaching you how to reframe the way you view your child’s behavior so that you don’t get as stressed in the first place.

What are you making it mean?

It’s very common in our society to judge kids and their parents based on behavior. But when we do this, looking only at the external, it actually creates more stress for us.

It is a normal human response to take a completely neutral situation and attach greater meaning to it. And we do the same thing with our kids’ behavior.

You might make the behavior mean something about you…

I’m such a bad mom because my kid has bad grades.

I’m such a bad mom because my kid is sad.

Or you make it mean something about your kid…

My kid hit another kid at preschool. If they keep this up, they’re going to end up not having any friends and be a jerk.

My kid loves screens so much they’re going to be addicted. Then, they’ll probably end up addicted to drugs and drop out of school and no longer achieve anything in their life.

These interpretations leave you feeling insecure, doubtful, angry, disappointed or fearful.

When we take a behavior way far into the future and make it mean something negative, it is going to create stress in us. And your brain is quick to jump in and send you all the stress hormones so that you can deal with the threat.

The more often this happens, the more often you have to deal with the stress juice, reset and work on calming yourself. It’s exhausting.

But you can help yourself to not get activated in the first place by learning to reframe your kid’s behavior.

Why kids misbehave

For all humans (not just kids), behavior is a way to communicate our thoughts and feelings.

Your kids misbehave because…

They are communicating their feelings to you through their actions.

They are trying to cope with a circumstance they don’t like.

They are working to change the situation to make it work for them.

They don’t like to stop having fun because having fun is the best.

Behavior becomes misbehavior when your child acts out their feelings in a way that causes a problem for someone else (this includes you).

Reframing behavior

I want you to be able to see that behavior differently, reframe it and view it from a different lens. So that rather than being activated by your kid’s behavior you can either remain neutral or even show up in compassion.

You have to understand that your kid’s behavior is not about you.

It is 100% about their own thoughts, their own feelings, and how they are processing those thoughts and feelings and communicating them. It is about what is happening for them in this moment, right now.

It doesn’t mean anything about you as a parent or what their future will look like.

You can look at their behavior as an opportunity to see their thoughts and feelings in action.

First, take a Pause Break. In order to show up the way you want, you need to calm your stress response first.

Then, get curious. This is where we find the neutral situation and can move through curiosity to connection and compassion.

Ask yourself, “Why does this behavior bother me? What am I making it mean?”

Really what you want to know is…

What does this behavior say about my kid right now?

What are the thoughts and feelings that are driving this behavior?

As you practice this curiosity, it will help you get out of the stress cycle. And getting to the root of what is driving their actions is where you find connection.

The beautiful thing about this is that you’ll feel more compassion towards other people in your life, too. And you’re modeling it for your kids. They will learn to be compassionate through your example.

You’ll Learn:

Clues that you’re parenting from stress
What misbehavior really means
How to see your behavior from a different perspective
Why learning to reframe your kid’s behavior can make you more compassionate toward others, too

Listen to Part 1 of this 3-part series: www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/parenting-stress-cycles-1

Part 2: Ending a Stress Cycle: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/parenting-stress-cycles-2

Episode2: Getting to Calm with the Pause Break: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/getting-to-calm-with-the-pause-break

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Parenting Stress Cycle Part 2 (Dealing With Stress Juice) Mar 23, 2023

Today’s episode is part two in a three-part series. Last week, I talked about what a stress cycle is and how it shows up in your parenting. If you missed it, you can listen here.

Today, we’re taking it to the next step: When you’re in a parenting stress cycle, how do you get out of it?

The first step is to deal with the stressor, and this is the one that most of us are already pretty good at. We deal with the situation. But that isn’t the end.

Ending a stress cycle

To complete the stress cycle, you also need to deal with the stress juice - that cocktail of hormones and chemicals flowing through your body.

Sometimes, this happens naturally, but sometimes you need to take intentional actions to move through the stress and release it.

One example of completing a stress cycle naturally is when you drop your kids off somewhere where you feel that they are safe. It’s that “ahhh” feeling. You can exhale, you feel your shoulders relax and your body lighten. You can breathe deeply.

For me, these are all signs that I’ve completed my stress cycle. It feels like relief.

Bedtime might be another one. That moment when things are finally quiet, you slip into your pajamas and get your Netflix on. You’re off duty.

The moments when this happens for you might be different, but it comes down to the feeling of relief and relaxation.

The mama stress spiral

Often, we take internal stressors with us. So while the situation may have calmed down, our minds have not. Worries, fears and criticisms continue swimming around in your head, creating even more stress juice in your body.

If you’re living in a chronic state of stress, you may not even know how to give your body the signal to relax.

Your stress juice may have been building up for days, weeks, months or even years of a stress cycle. I think of this as a mama stress spiral, because it feels like there is no end. And this makes it really difficult to be calm and think clearly.

Here are a few signs that you might be stuck in a stress spiral:

You find yourself in stress-activating situations that OUTPACE your ability to process them. There is so much coming at you that you don’t have a chance to reset.
Simple tasks or requests feel overwhelming.
You suffer from 'Mad Mom' syndrome.
You engage in self-destructive behaviors on a consistent basis (overdrinking, drug abuse, binge watching, excessive news checking, scrolling social media, overeating, over-exercising, restrictive dieting, obsessive thinking, picking at things or your body).
Avoidance & checking out; aka ‘hiding from your life’. Not returning texts or phone calls. Declining invitations. Not working on projects.
Your body is out of whack. You feel sick all the time. You have chronic pain, injuries that won’t heal or recurring infections.
Sadness that won’t go away, rage that feels out of control or negative or anxious thoughts that you can’t shake.

How to release stress juice

Sometimes, you have to work a little bit to move through the stress cycle and release the stress juice.

The cool thing is that just being aware of your stress cycles is enough to help your brain start paying more attention.

Getting out of a stress cycle is similar to digesting or metabolizing food that comes into your body. Your body has to process the stress juice, just like it has to process the food that you eat.

And if you have to do this more than once a day, that’s ok. When you have more coming at you, you’ll need to reset more often.

The most effective way to complete a stress cycle is with movement. Moving your body for 20-30 minutes a day is going to reset your stress cycle and give that stress juice a place to move.

This doesn’t have to look a certain way. Any kind of movement, including with your kids, will help.

Some other strategies are:

Connect with an adult who cares about you
Do something that delights you
Do a thought dump
Sleep or rest

This can happen in the evenings, in small chunks throughout the day or whatever works for you.

Calm Mama Breaks

Ideally, we’re resetting our stress cycles every day. We deal with stress a little at a time so that it doesn’t build up.

But sometimes, we need a little more - a bigger chunk of time where you’re not on kid duty. I call this a Calm Mama Break.

No matter where you are on the spectrum of stress, I encourage you to plan one of these breaks.

First, decide when it will be and for how long. Who will take care of the kids while you’re taking a break to rest and reset? Ask them for help in advance and get it on the calendar.

Next, what do you want to do? What recharges you? What did you enjoy doing before you had kids? Will you go alone or with someone?

Remember, mama, when you are in a stress cycle, there is nothing wrong with you. Being a mom is HARD, and feeling stressed is normal.

It’s good for you and for your family to take breaks to rest and reset so you don’t lose your shit.

Next week, we’ll wrap up this series with ways you can deal with stressors - the stressful circumstances in your life.

You’ll Learn:

Signs that you’ve completed a stress cycle
The difference between a stress cycle and a stress spiral
Strategies to release stress juice
How to plan a Calm Mama Break

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Parenting Stress Cycle Mar 16, 2023

I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation.

In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting.

Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN.

You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system.

Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY!

Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you.

2 key parts of the stress cycle

Notice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after.

The stressor.

The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc.

The stress response.

This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response.

And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe.

But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking.

The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset.

Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge.

Parenting stress cycles

Think about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself.

So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated.

Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy.

These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from others.

The type of threat might be different, but your stress response works the same way.

The cycle usually looks something like this:

Behavior → Reaction → Guilt → Nothing Changes → Same Behavior → Reaction → Guilt

3 ways to get out of the parenting stress cycle

There are a couple of places where we can interrupt the parenting stress cycle.

#1: Decrease the stressors

One of the best ways to create less misbehavior (and therefore fewer stressors) is to teach your kids better ways to deal with their feelings. To give them the tools to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about those feelings and what to do with their feelings in ways that don’t cause problems.

Creating routines and setting better limits also decrease stressors by removing some of the friction around regular, everyday things.

#2: Deal with your stress juice

The more frequently you reset your stress juice, the less it builds up over time. This is where the Pause Break and Calm Mama Break come in. Think of it as stress hygiene.

#3: Reframing behavior

Often we add meaning to a behavior, and this creates even more stress. We regret not doing things differently, feel fear around what the behavior means for our kid’s future or look for someone to blame.

If you can think about the behavior differently, you will feel less stressed about it.

This week, I want you to practice noticing when you are in a stress cycle. And instead of judging yourself for it, get curious about why you got so stressed in the first place. Noticing is step 1. Next week, we’ll get into more tools on how to break out of your stress cycle.

You’ll Learn:

How stress shows up and why we feel activated even if we’re not actually in danger
What the parenting stress cycle is and how to know if you’re in one
3 ways to get out of the stress cycle

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Three Challenges To Gentle Parenting Mar 09, 2023

Did you know that gentle parenting is one of the most popular hashtags on TikTok? It’s a philosophy that many parents are attracted to, and I’m excited to talk more about it today - what it is, my experience with it and the common challenges to gentle parenting that you might have experienced.

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is an approach to parenting where you validate your child's emotion while also setting appropriate boundaries for their behavior. The foundation is that feelings drive behavior.

I like to think of it as - Your feelings make sense. And you have to express those feelings in ways that work for everybody.

You may have heard me talk about this as connection (validating the emotion) and limits (the appropriate ways to express the emotion).

And when your children don't stay within those boundaries, then we want to help them learn through correction. This is a form of discipline that uses shame-free and pain-free consequences, where the focus is on your child fixing the problem that their behavior caused.

When we fix that mistake, it actually feels good, and we learn from it.

Benefits of gentle parenting

I also like to call this connected parenting because the way we approach our child is based on our connection with them, and we help them to build a better connection with themselves.

Practicing gentle parenting helps us feel more connected to our kids and helps them feel more connected to us.

They learn to regulate their own emotions and have self compassion. They have a healthier self-esteem.

And when you teach your kids appropriate boundaries, they develop communication and social skills which help them build better connections to others.

The ultimate result we’re after is for your child to grow into an emotionally healthy adult. One who will be responsible for their emotions and know what to do with their feelings; who can overcome challenging circumstances and speak kindly to themselves and others; who has healthy, collaborative relationships.

3 common challenges in gentle parenting

Unfortunately, parenting this way is not easy, especially in the beginning.

You might quickly go from being calm to absolutely losing your shit and screaming at your kid.

Or you might go the other direction and figure they’re not going to listen to you anyway, so the consequences go out the window.

Maybe you’ve tried all the sticker charts and broad strategies, but they just haven’t worked.

Here are the 3 hurdles most parents encounter when they first try to do gentle parenting:

#1 Staying calm in the midst of misbehavior.

It’s really hard to regulate your own emotions while your child is screaming, hitting, out-right refusing to listen, and totally melting down.

It’s easy to be compassionate if you see that your child is sad and crying. It’s much harder when their feelings come out as aggression.

Your stress response kicks in, and you can’t even think clearly enough to use the parenting tools you know. To show up as a compassionate, connected parent, you have to deal with your own emotions first.

This is why the first step in the Calm Mama Process is to PAUSE. You take a break to calm your own nervous system and process the negative emotion that you are feeling before you go back to your child.

#2 Knowing how to help kids express their feelings in appropriate ways.

Most parents don’t know what to do after they ask their child “Are you feeling mad?” and the kid screams “YES!”.

Teaching kids how to manage their big feelings is hard to do when you don’t know what to teach them.

Sometimes, it might feel like you’re indulging in the feelings without actually teaching your kids any skills. Or you might jump in to rescue them because their feelings make you really uncomfortable.

In The Emotionally Healthy Kids course, I give you about 100 different ideas for what your child can do with their big feelings. This way, you can actively teach them what to do instead and how to regulate their own emotions.

#3 Setting firm boundaries without yelling or repeating.

When you don’t use fear or manipulation to get kids to listen, it can be really confusing to know what to say instead.

Getting kids to listen in the gentle parenting approach requires that you set limits in a way that makes the consequences logical. These types of limits make your kid actually think about what they’re doing.

Then, you follow through in a shame-free, punishment-free environment. When the consequence is a more natural result of the behavior, it isn’t about making your child feel like they’re bad.

These three challenges are the same hurdles I struggled with when I started to practice gentle parenting 15 years ago. And they’re the ones I see my clients struggle with in the beginning, too.

And to overcome them, you just need a new set of skills. You can learn how to be the gentle parent that you want to be.

You’ll Learn:

What gentle parenting is
Why I choose to teach the approach and use it with my own kids
3 common hurdles you might encounter and how to overcome them

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Traditional Parenting vs Connected Parenting Mar 02, 2023

What are the differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting, and how can you become more compassionate with your kid?

I’ve been thinking about the goals and outcomes of different parenting styles lately, and here’s how I think of it.

Traditional parenting is focused more on the external - the way somebody looks, presents themselves to the world and the way the world views them.

The goal is for your child to be socially accepted and fit into the world we live in. This is driven by values like compliance, obedience, conforming, productivity, perfectionism and people-pleasing.

But often, this approach leaves the individual feeling disconnected from themselves.

Connected parenting puts more focus on the internal world of the individual.

The challenges of traditional parenting

Most people were raised in a traditional parenting environment. This is largely the norm in our society.

The goal is to look good, behave well, be accepted. And the tools often include fear, shame and comparison; the threat that if you don’t perform or conform, you won’t be accepted in the world.

When you learn to look for external validation, you stop listening to yourself. You don't have trust in your own ability to make decisions, and you can end up disconnected from your internal guide.

But the truth is that when you feel terrible on the inside, it doesn't really matter what other people think because you don't feel good about yourself.

Feeling disconnected from ourselves can lead to anxiety, depression and causes challenges in our relationships with others.

What is connected parenting?

Connected parenting (the method I teach) goes by a lot of names. Gentle parenting, conscious parenting, feelings-first, compassionate or non-violent parenting. But the underlying goal is the same. We, as parents, want to create an environment that helps our kids grow up to be emotionally healthy.

We want our kids to have good relationships with themselves, with us and with others. We want them to trust themselves and know that their worth as a human is not based on performance.

The goal is to help our kids understand what they are feeling and why they’re behaving the way they are. Because their thoughts and feelings are what drives behavior.

We use the tools of compassion, emotional regulation, clear boundaries and limits and personal responsibility.

Obstacles to connected parenting

I’ve been parenting this way for 14 years and teaching connected parenting for 10 years, and I’ve seen a few common obstacles that parents face.

Lack of knowledge

Simply put, you don’t have a model or map for parenting this way. If your parents used a traditional parenting style, that is the style you know.

Maybe you know you don’t want to raise your kids the same way, but you don’t know what to do instead.

This is a revolutionary parenting style. Most of us didn't grow up with anybody helping us with our feelings. We don't know how to do it.

That’s why I created the Calm Mama Process and the tools I teach - to give you a framework that outlines exactly what to say and do so that you can show up as a compassionate parent and give your kids the tools to manage their emotions.

Inability to manage your own emotions

Based on the first obstacle, this makes perfect sense, right?

If you weren’t taught to manage your emotions when you were younger, you’re learning to do it now.

It’s almost a process of re-parenting yourself so that you can teach your child the same thing.

I think of this as healing the next generation in advance. And it’s why CALM is the foundation of everything I teach. This is where you practice soothing yourself, processing negative emotions, dealing with disappointment, overwhelm and stress in a healthy way.

You may not have grown up learning this, but you can learn it now.

Societal pressure

The third main obstacle I see is the societal pressure for kids to be obedient. There’s a judgment that if your kid is misbehaving, it must be because you are a bad parent (which is totally not true, btw).

This can show up in a lot of different communities and contexts, but the message is that “we don’t want to see your kids melt down or make mistakes.”

Kids start out not knowing how to manage their big feelings. They don't know how to process anger, sadness or frustration in ways that don't create problems. They’re going to hit, kick, punch. spit, throw, yell, disagree, argue, negotiate, protest and complain.

None of these behaviors are because they’re bad kids or you’re a bad parent. They are all because of their feelings.

They have to figure out what works and what doesn’t, and they’re going to make mistakes as they learn these new skills. That’s how learning happens.

But when they're in the middle of misbehaving and making mistakes, and you can feel everyone around you judging your kid and your parenting, it can stand in the way of you connecting with and helping your kids.

In that moment, you have a choice. You can default to traditional parenting methods of fear, control, threats and bribes, or you can use compassion, clear boundaries and allow your kid to make mistakes

There is no perfect parenting

Connection takes more time. It's going to be messier. It’s also how you reach the long-term goal of emotional health and your child learning how to deal with whatever feelings come up.

It is impossible to practice connected parenting at all times. We're human beings, and we have our own emotional experience and our own feelings, thoughts, overwhelm and stress.

The goal is not 100%. The goal is to do it as often as you can. When you find yourself yelling, threatening or showing up in a way that you don’t want, catch yourself and pause. Reset and try again. Get curious and connect with your child.

The more you do it, the closer you move toward making compassion your new default.

You’ll Learn:

The differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting
What connected parenting looks like
3 common challenges in connected parenting
How to start making the shift to connected parenting

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

The Value of Delaying Consequences Feb 23, 2023

Delaying your response, the conversation, the consequences when it comes to misbehavior is a valuable tool. In this episode, you’ll learn why delaying helps you stay calm and how to use this tool in your parenting.

Misbehavior is rarely an emergency. This is a concept I come back to with my clients again and again.

When you think that misbehavior is an emergency, your stress response is activated and you want to deal with it right away. Your brain tells you that you are not safe until you get rid of this behavior.

When you’re in your stress response, your reaction might look like:

Anger, frustration or disconnection
Yelling, shaming or criticizing
Struggling to think clearly or set appropriate limits
Threatening or bribing

My goal is for you to get to a place where you are not activated by your child’s misbehavior. A place where you can be calm even when they are not.

By delaying consequences, you give yourself time to reset your stress response so that you can show compassion for your kid and teach them new strategies for dealing with their feelings…which ultimately leads to less misbehavior.

Why delaying feels hard

Delaying can feel really hard to do sometimes. During the delay, your kid might still be misbehaving. Your mind tells you that they’re getting away with it, and this can feel pretty terrible.

You might think that they’re not going to learn from their mistakes, they’ve got to experience the impact now or it won’t matter.

On top of that, you’re trying to put the brakes on your reaction after it’s already started.

And, we feel social pressure to parent in a certain way.

Many of us have been taught that our kids have to have an immediate consequence for it to work. In fact, the opposite is often true. Our kids can’t learn something new when they are in their big feelings or when they’re just so caught up in what they’re doing that they aren’t hearing you or thinking clearly.

How to delay consequences

In the full episode, I share what I call “the popcorn story” which demonstrates how reacting to behavior right away can actually undermine our goals and what we are trying to create within our families.

You have a choice about when and how you will respond to a behavior.

Just because you are not delivering a consequence right away doesn’t mean you have to ignore it completely.

You can delay simply by saying something like, “Hmm, I notice you are _____. I’m gonna have to do something about that later.”

You’re letting your kid know that you noticed the misbehavior and that you’re doing something else right now, but they’re not off the hook.

This gives you the time you need to calm yourself down and think about what the lesson is you want to teach. What skill is missing, and how are you going to help them practice it?

Here are few questions to help you decide if you need to delay:

Do I have the capacity to manage a consequence right now? Am I calm enough?
Have I done connection yet?
Do I have time to deal with the big feelings cycle that is going to come along with the consequence?

Telling yourself “I’m going to deal with this, just not right now,” reminds your brain that you’ve got this and you’ll figure it out. It’s not an emergency.

The difference between delaying and avoiding consequences

Your child is not getting away with misbehavior when you delay, because you actually go back and revisit the incident and follow through with the correction conversation.

When we avoid consequences, we don’t follow up. We make a command or threaten a consequence to get our kid to comply. If you keep doing this and don’t follow through, your kid is not going to listen to you.

And I get it. Parenting is exhausting. Revisiting all these misbehaviors takes a lot of energy.

Find a way that works for you so that you can commit to following through on consequences. One way is to note the behaviors you want to follow up on, then choose a time to review the week and share with your kids how they can make it up to you (i.e. consequences). I call this Restitution Saturday (or whatever day you want it to be).

The takeaway from this episode is that it’s okay for your kids to “get away with it” for a short time. You don’t have to respond to most behaviors right away. As you learn to pause and delay, you're going to be able to handle all the situations that come up with way more calm.

You have a lot of power over how things go, and delaying consequences can bring so much peace to your family.

You’ll Learn:

How delaying helps you stay in the present

“The popcorn story” and what it teaches us about getting what we really want
My favorite phrase for delaying consequences
How to use the “hard no” when the misbehavior is hurting someone else

Previous Episodes:

Episode 3: Connection is Key to Improving Behavior

Episode 12: When Your Child is Aggressive

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Being A Good Mom Doesn't Prevent Pain Feb 16, 2023

One of the reasons that being a mom is so hard is because of the pressure we put on ourselves to do everything right. We believe that if we can just be a “good” mom, we’ll prevent pain for our kids and ourselves.

There's a belief that if we do everything right and we plan it all out, we can prevent our kids from having hard things happen to them. This is everywhere in our society. We’ve all bought into this idea that if a kid is struggling, it must be the parent’s fault.

In this episode, you’ll learn why you can’t prevent pain for your kids (and you shouldn’t anyway) and what you can do instead to support them through hard times.

Perfectionism in parenting

We have this belief that there is a right way to parent and that we should do it that right way: naptime schedules, feeding habits, routines, school environments, activities, friend groups…the list goes on and on.

There is so much pressure to have it all figured out and to do it all correctly.

The thought underneath it all is that if we do everything “right”, then our children will not experience pain or discomfort.

But a lot of life is outside our control, and bad things sometimes happen to all of us.

When we’re in this trap of trying to do it “right” and bad things happen, we feel GUILTY. We judge ourselves. We think that when hard things happen to our kids it must be our fault. We think that if our kid is struggling, that means we haven't done something right.

That’s just not true.

All the social engineering, micro-managing, hyper-planning, and bulldozing a smooth path for your kids, means you’re working super hard to prevent something you can’t stop. It’s exhausting and will lead to burnout.

We can’t prevent pain

As parents, we naturally want to protect our kids and make sure they’re okay, but we can’t control every aspect of their lives.

Preventing shitty circumstances from happening to our kids is not possible, because life is full of hard things despite our best efforts.

Our kids are human beings, and they are going to experience all the emotions of being human. They’re going to have conflicts, failures and mistakes.

None of us has a pain-free life.

The good news here is that we shouldn’t even try to prevent it. Through these challenges, our kids will learn how to go through pain and hardship.

And as a connected parent, your relationship with your child will even be strengthened by these hard things.

Mom guilt

When we blame ourselves for our kids’ pain and decide that we must be doing something wrong, panic and mom guilt set in and make it really hard to show up for your kids in the way that you want to.

You feel even MORE pressure to work harder, work more, be a better mom.

That pressure is suffocating and can be brutal on your identity as a mom and as a woman.

Berating yourself (even a little) doesn't actually help your kids. Because then you are making the hard thing about YOU and not helping THEM with the hard thing. You’re stuck in how this thing impacts you and your identity as a mom, more than how this hard thing is impacting your kid.

Getting comfortable with discomfort

Often, when we find ourselves micromanaging, worrying and feeling anxious about our kids’ circumstances or choices, it is because we are uncomfortable with their discomfort.

It’s hard to watch your child struggle or suffer, so we try to prevent their pain to avoid our own discomfort.

Instead, you can learn to be a compassionate witness to their pain. Rather than trying to prevent and solve all the emotional problems, you can acknowledge that the pain is there and help them through it.

You can narrate what is happening and offer strategies to help them get their big feelings out and cope with the emotion.

This way, you make it about your child and what they are going through.

What I want you to take away from this episode is this: No matter what is going on with your kid, you might not have done anything wrong.

My hope is that when you understand that the hard things in life are often outside your control, you feel a little bit more free to be in the present moment, rather than looking back at what you did or didn’t do. You can relax a little. You can back off a bit.

Hard things happen. No matter what you do or don’t do as a parent. Trust that you and your kids can do hard things. It’ll be okay.

You’ll Learn:

Why we shouldn’t even try to prevent pain for our kids
How to use curiosity as a tool if you are concerned about a behavior
Examples of common painful situations and ways to address them

Next Steps

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Worst Case Scenario Thinking (☆1 Year Anniversary☆) Feb 09, 2023

In motherhood, it’s normal to sometimes look at our kids’ behavior and imagine the worst case scenario.

We’re afraid that if we don’t stop a certain behavior, our kids will struggle with it forever. For example, when my son was hitting a lot at age 4 or 5, I thought if I didn’t change that behavior he would grow up to be violent.

In this episode I’ll walk you through how to play out that worst case scenario to figure out what you’re actually afraid of and teach you a tool to move out of that scenario.

How worst case scenario thinking affects your parenting

When we are super worried about our kids, we tend to go one of two directions with our parenting.

We either over-parent, which looks like being too strict, harsh or controlling.

Or we under-parent, where we rescue, bribe, don’t hold limits and we don't hold our kids accountable.

These responses are because of our own fear and anxiety, and neither of them serve our kids.

When we try to control their decision, behaviors and outcomes, they end up not learning the thing we want them to learn.

In some ways, we create our own worst case scenario because we're not actually giving the kid the skills they need in order to change and grow and become the person that we want them to become.

When you’re afraid that the behavior in this moment means that your child is going to have a terrible outcome in the long term, it’s pretty hard to be calm.

What are you actually afraid of?

Sometimes, our minds spiral into fear and anxiety, and we aren’t even really sure what it is we’re so afraid of.

This exercise is for when you’re spiraling and you want to uncover the deeper root of the fear.

Is it that…?

Step 1: What are you worried about?

What is the behavior or situation that is making you scared?

Step 2: If this happens, what will happen next?

What are all the bad things I think will happen if I don’t solve this problem? Be specific and go deep. Keep playing it out step by step until you get to the end of the line - your actual fear.

Note: Stop before you get all the way to “they would die.” This is not a scenario we can solve for, and it is just further than we need to go.

The goal here is to fill in the blank: The thing I’m actually afraid of is ____________.

Moving past the worst case scenario

Once you’ve identified the fear, it’s time to move into the next stage and start solving for it in advance.

Step 3: Solve for your fear.

If one of the bad things you listed above happens, then what? How would you handle it? How would you solve for it? What can you do between now and then to make sure this doesn’t happen? What skill is your child missing?

Another approach is to ask yourself, “what would I do if my worst thing happened?” In this exercise, you go all the way to the end and think about how you could solve it.

This process allows you to put some space between what’s happening right now and your fear. It shows you that your worst case is probably unlikely, and that you still have time to do something about it.

What you’ll start to realize is that you have plenty of time until the worst case happens, you have the ability to take action in the present moment, and you also know that in the future you'll still be an amazing human who can solve stuff.

Some thoughts that often come up for me as I work through this are:

The likelihood of this worst case scenario actually happening is not very big
No matter what happens, I will always be there for my kid. My relationship with my child is stronger than this worst case.
I can trust myself. I have solutions in my mind and I can problem-solve for this scenario.
The worst case is pretty far away. There is no imminent danger, and there is a lot of time between this moment and the worst case.

My hope for you is that you walk away from this exercise feeling a little lighter, more confident, relaxed and hopeful.

And from these new feelings, you’ll show up in the present moment differently.

You’ll Learn:

How worry shows up in your parenting
My 3-step process for working through your worst case scenario
Examples of how to solve for your fears

Past Episodes:

Episode 42: Perfectionism, Motherhood and Me

Episode 40: Codependency in Parenting

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Your Home with Robyn Reynolds Feb 02, 2023

Robyn Reynolds is a certified professional organizer. If organization skills are a genetic trait, it is a dominant gene for Robyn who was found organizing stuffed animals by size, shape and color before she could walk . Robyn has been quoted in the Huffington Post, Real Simple magazine, Yahoo.com, Woman’s Day magazine and numerous other publications. She has also worked on the television show “Hoarders.”

Her book, “A to Zen: 26 tips to inspire organization” offers easy-to-follow tips for homeowners to build a life based on organization, routine and simplicity all leading to greater personal fulfillment. When Robyn is not organizing and harmonizing her clients, she is spending time with her teen daughter, whom she treasures.

FB - Organize2Harmonize

Instagram - @Organize2Harmonize

https://organize2harmonize.com/

https://organize2harmonize.com/organizing-courses

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Your Money with Erin Harmon Jan 26, 2023

Struggling with budgeting, saving or paying off debt? Ready to reach your money goals? This episode is for you! I’m talking with financial coach Erin Harmon all about your money and how you can use it effectively to create the life you want.

Erin is the founder of Tranquil Finance. She helps individuals and couples get ahold of their finances and manage their brain so they can create the life and money of their dreams!

When Erin became a mom in 2013, she started to feel a lot of pressure to provide all the things her child would need. They had student loan debt, car payments and wanted to save for emergencies and her kid’s college fund.

It all felt overwhelming and confusing, and it created a lot of stress. On top of it all, she and her husband had very differing views on how to manage their money.

She convinced her husband to take a financial course at a local church. It helped them get on the same page, pay off debt and create an emergency fund.

A couple more kids later, Erin discovered coaching. Her experience working with a weight loss coach combined with her friends’ interest in her own financial journey led her to start her own financial coaching business.

Your budget

Erin says many people dislike the term budget because it feels restrictive, when it is really just a spending plan.

She teaches zero-based budgeting, which means that your income and expenses should equal out each month. You give every dollar you have a job. Because if we aren’t intentional with our money, it tends to disappear.

Maybe you’re overspending or living on your credit card. Or maybe you just want to know where your money is going or have goals to save up for something big. No matter what your situation, a clear budget is essential.

A budget not only helps you reach your goals, but it also removes the stress of not knowing what you can spend money on. It is a decision-making tool. It can even turn emergencies into mere inconveniences.

Start with your highest priorities and basic needs, like housing, utilities, transportation, food and clothing. The order of these priorities will be different for different families. There’s no one right way.

Erin and her husband each get their own “fun money” every month that they can use on whatever they want, which brings a sense of freedom to their budget.

Having money conversations

The first conversation you need to have when it comes to your spending plan is with yourself. What is important to you when it comes to spending and saving?

So much of our view on money is related to our values and priorities, the things or experiences we find valuable. And your values may be different from your partner’s.

Erin says that it’s actually very common to have one person in a relationship who is all about the numbers and practicality, while the other is a little more free-spirited.

It can be hard to get on the same page. In these situations, it can be helpful to have a neutral person (like a financial coach) mediate the conversation.

Some common conflicting values are:

Material things vs. experiences

Quality vs. quantity

Status or wanting to “match” up with others in your neighborhood or circle (e.g. cars, clothing, etc.)

None of these values or priorities is wrong, but understanding where you fall will help you plan for what you value most.

The emotional side of money

We all know that unexpected things (and lots of thoughts and feelings) come up around money.

Money can be a major source of stress, for individuals and in relationships, especially when you feel there isn’t enough to meet your needs and goals.

Having a money plan removes so much of the stress and anxiety because it gives you more control.

When you have the data you need, you are empowered to make decisions that line up with your goals.

And if you feel guilty about spending on something you want, you can remind yourself that you already decided and made a plan for it.

You can bring a sense of calm to your finances, and getting clear on your priorities, goals and budget is the first step.

Erin says you can get intentional about your finances in less than an hour a week, and start to see clear patterns in your spending after about 3 months.

You’ll Learn:

Why you need more than just strategies and tools to manage your money well
How to budget without feeling restricted
Why it is important to have a goal for your money
Fun ways to involve your kids in the process

Connect with Erin:

Learn more about Erin and how you can work with her 1:1 at www.tranquilfinancecoaching.com

Follow Erin on Facebook and Instagram

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Your Marriage with Dr. Chavonne Perotte Jan 19, 2023

Today on the podcast, I’m continuing the series of conversations with experts in all areas of life. This week, Dr. Chavonne Perotte is here and we’re talking all about your marriage.

Dr. Chavonne is a life and marriage coach who helps couples develop the mindset and skills they need to create happy marriages and partnerships. She also has a doctorate from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, where she focused her research on communication and intimate partnerships.

In 25 years of marriage, I’ve been through a lot of different stages - no kids, babies, young kids and now the teen years. We’re diving into it all.

If you’ve experienced a moment in your marriage where you thought, “I really don’t know if we’re going to make it,” you are not alone. Dr. Chavonne calls this the secret thought that everyone sometimes has but is afraid to say out loud.

She teaches her clients that there will be seasons and stages to marriage where you might question things. But that doesn’t have to be a problem. It’s what you do with those thoughts that matters.

Why you aren’t getting the help you need from your partner

In a relationship, both people are likely operating from models that they had growing up. Often, in couples with young or school-aged children, this looks like a dynamic of over-functioning and under-functioning.

One person is doing more and (intentionally or not) creating a situation where the other person then does less.

As women, we often feel uncomfortable asking for and getting exactly what we want. When it comes to asking for help from our partner, we might make it mean that we aren’t good enough as a wife or mom. We might feel guilty for accepting help.

Somewhere along the line, we learned that it’s not ok for us to have the things that we need.

To have the dynamic and support you want, you first need to define what you really want and what partnership looks like to you. Then, make requests and advocate for what you want.

What do you need?

As a mom, when you’re feeling overwhelmed with all the things - parenting, home, work - it can be hard to define exactly what it is you want and need from your partner.

A request and a complaint are not the same thing, but sometimes we complain to our partner and want them to just fix it without us ever asking for what we really need.

The first step is figuring out what it is you want. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be the one thing that solves everything.

Start by looking for your trigger moments. These will be good clues to where you need some support.

What are the things that constantly trigger me? Where am I feeling agitated?
What would I need in this moment?
What feels off in this partnership?
What's a reasonable request that is honoring for both of us?

How to make requests of your partner

Dr. Chavonne teaches her clients a simple formula for making a request. Share what you’re feeling, state what you would like instead and make a request.

Sometimes, your partner will say no to your request. And that’s ok. It’s a conversation between the two of you to figure out what works for you both.

Don’t make assumptions about why they said no or didn’t follow through in a certain way. Get curious and continue the conversation.

Try to assume the best about your partner. Assume that they’re in it with you, that they want to support you and for you both to be happy.

Go back to what you want out of it. What is the need that you’re trying to get met?

Maybe your request doesn’t need to be executed in a certain way to get the benefit you’re looking for.

Are there other solutions that will still give you what you need and that your partner is willing to do?

Dr. Chavonne and I could have talked for hours. There are so many amazing tips in this episode, I want you to hear them all!

You’ll Learn:

Where many couples get stuck in their relationships
Three reasons why one person in the relationship often ends up doing more than the other
How to make requests of your partner that allow you both to have your needs met
A foundational belief that changes relationships
Why everything doesn’t have to be perfect 50/50 split

Connect with Dr. Chavonne:

Podcast: Love Marriage Again with Dr. Chavonne

Website: https://drchavonne.com/

Email: chavonne@berelateable.com

Book: Voices in Your Ear: New Conversations to Transform Your Mind and Renew Your Marriage.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Your Body with Victoria Yates Jan 12, 2023

This week on the podcast, I’m talking with certified intuitive eating and body image coach, Victoria Yates. We’re diving into diet, body, what we eat, how we take care of our bodies and how we think about our bodies.

As a coach for moms, my focus is on helping you become calm and care for your children the way that you want to. But I also see a lot of the other issues that affect women’s daily lives - and body image and diet are big ones!

Why moms struggle with body image

Body image is simply how you think about your body. It has nothing to do with the physical reflection in the mirror. It is all about your thoughts.

We live in a society where “skinnier is better” and those messages can be hard to ignore.

For moms who have experienced pregnancy and postpartum, you find yourself in a whole new body after your baby is born. There’s a feeling of unfamiliarity in your own body, on top of societal pressure to get your pre-baby body back.

We’ve also been conditioned to believe that we have to take care of our kids all day and prioritize their needs over our own, so many moms just aren’t taking good care of themselves.

But many of our body image and eating issues go back much farther than that - to the teenage years or even younger.

Your thoughts about your body

Experiencing changes in our bodies is totally normal, throughout many different stages of life. It may be uncomfortable at first, but accepting those changes and developing a respectful relationship with your body leads you to care for it well.

When you’re coming from a place of self-criticism and even hatred, you might believe that if you can just lose weight, you’ll feel better about yourself. But this is backwards.

Being at war with your body is a choice. Restrictive diets may feel like a way to regain control (especially if you feel out of control in other areas of your life), but these approaches are often unsustainable and even harmful to our bodies.

We can choose instead to work on our relationships with ourselves. To respect and love ourselves so that we take action to care for our bodies in a healthier way.

What is intuitive eating?

The intuitive eating framework was created in the 1990s by two dietitians. Victoria explains it as a “non-diet approach” that involves building trust with your own body’s cues to hunger or fullness.

Traditional dieting typically includes a set of external rules to follow about what, when or how much you eat. Someone else is telling you how to feed your body.

Intuitive eating is about relearning how to listen to what your body truly needs.

It’s based on a few simple concepts. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, eat foods that are satisfying, and just pay attention to how food makes you feel.

It allows for more intention and connection with your physical body.

Intuitive eating also goes deeper into healing the root of the problem when it comes to unhealthy eating habits like overeating, emotional eating or mindless eating.

Victoria says, “It’s never actually about the food. It’s always about something more, like that need of control…or perfectionism or a lack of trust in yourself.”

Building self-trust

Victoria encourages her clients to focus on how they want to feel more than the number on the scale. To focus on what will bring more joy into their lives and make them feel more confident and energized.

Here’s a quick exercise to try. Pick a word that describes how you want to feel. Then, think about the actions you can take that will help you to feel that way.

In the full episode, I share my own experiences with body image and intuitive eating, and Victoria answers common questions about intuitive eating and how it works and addresses common obstacles.

You’ll Learn:

Why traditional dieting may not have worked for you in the past
Why we still feel drawn to restrictive diets anyway
What intuitive eating is
How your thoughts affect your body image

Connect with Victoria:

Visit Victoria’s website: victoria-yates.com

Follow on Instagram: instagram.com/nondiet_rn

Get the Free Intuitive Eating Journaling Guide: (bit.ly/starteatingintuitively)

Listen to the Redefining Health Podcast - available on all podcast platforms

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

5 Things Every Kid Needs For Emotional Health Jan 05, 2023

One of my life missions is to heal the next generation in advance. So today, I’m sharing the 5 things every kid needs for emotional health.

I want to give a whole generation of moms the tools that they need in order to raise emotionally healthy kids.

I imagine a generation of kids who grow up and already know what to do with their feelings. A generation of young adults who feel like their parents get them and who find support in their family instead of finding pain. And eventually a generation of adults who know how to communicate and be in healthy relationships.

We’re starting this process today.

This episode is an invitation to gently open your mind and think about where your family is, where you want to be and which gaps you want to work on this year.

What is emotional health?

Simply put, emotional health means that I feel good inside, I feel good in my relationships and I feel good in the world.

Of course, we can’t feel good or happy all the time, but an emotionally healthy person can feel their way and move through the hard things that come up in life.

An emotionally healthy person doesn’t need to DO things to feel better, like overeat, overdrink, overwork, overshop, etc.

It means that we know what to do with our feelings.

5 Things Every Kid Needs for Emotional Health

Raising a healthy adult starts with creating an environment where your child can grow and learn the tools they need to cope with their emotions.

Here are five things they need.

A parent who is committed to their own emotional health. This is why my program begins with CALM. It’s about how we, as the adults, regulate and process our negative emotions.

Because the truth is that most of us didn't grow up learning how to feel our feelings.

Learning tools and strategies that help you cope with your emotions in a healthy way then allows you to be compassionate, patient and present toward your kids (and others in your life).

Emotional literacy. The four pieces of emotional literacy are:

I know what I am feeling.

I know how to talk about or communicate that feeling.

I know what to do with that feeling.

I can do that for someone else. I can recognize feelings in someone else and help them cope (aka empathy).

A set of skills and tools to cope with their emotions in healthy ways. This is all about teaching your kid what to do with their feelings. How to process it, move through the feeling and and feel a new feeling.

This one involves a little trial and error. There are a ton of ways people can move through a feeling, and you can problem solve for which ones work best for your particular kid.

Limits and boundaries that are clearly communicated to your child and held. It is common for parents to threaten consequences to change a kid’s behavior (I’m even guilty of it myself sometimes).

Limits flip it so that you tell your kid what they can do, or what you’re willing to do, and under what conditions.

When you communicate and follow through on these limits, your child learns what behaviors work in a community (like your family) and what behaviors don’t.

A shame-free environment where it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them. In order for your kids to learn, grow and become healthy, they have to act out. They have to make mistakes and show up in ways that don’t work.

Yes, you will enforce your limits. There will be consequences for misbehavior.

Shame-free simply means that your kid isn’t made to feel that they are a bad person for making those mistakes. Shame says there’s something inherently wrong with you or bad about you.

We don't need to attack their character or their personality. Instead, we can validate the emotion that drove their behavior, and then say, “Well, that behavior has impacts and here are the impacts. You made a mistake. How do you think you can fix it?”

The most important thing I hope you take away from this episode is that you get to focus on your emotional health.

Because every time I watch a mom heal or grow in her own emotional well being, it has a huge impact on her kids and the whole dynamic of her family.

You’ll Learn:

Why emotional health is such a valuable goal for your kids, your family and yourself
My journey to emotional health
What emotional literacy looks like in everyday life
Examples of healthy and unhealthy coping strategies
The difference between a threat and a limit
How to enforce limits without shame

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Parenting Goals Dec 29, 2022

It’s the last episode of 2022! And the New Year is a time when many of us think about goals for the coming year. But have you ever set parenting goals?

Learn what parenting goals are and how to use them to pivot behavior and teach your kids new skills and values.

What are parenting goals?

A parenting goal is a goal that you set for your kids based on something that you see as a gap that they need to learn.

There are a LOT of things that kids need to learn between the time they're little all the way until the time that they're grown.

Kids need to have skills like time management, social competency, conflict resolution, personal hygiene, understanding money, how to cook clean, how to pack for a trip and (eventually) how to drive.

You also have values that are important to you as a parent. You might want your child to learn values like kindness, generosity, gratitude, self reliance or work ethic.

It can be overwhelming when you look at all these different areas and see where your kid isn't meeting the standards you envision in the long term.

Rather than judge yourself or your kids for these gaps in knowledge, you can think about where your kid is now in a certain area, where you want them to be and set a goal to help them get there.

And we can’t tackle them all at once. The goal setting process allows you to identify what is most important to you that your child learns now.

How to set your parenting goals

Selecting one or two parenting goals at a time will help you be intentional and strategic.

And the more intentional we are about our children and what they need to learn, the more likely we'll reach each parenting goal.

Step 1: Name your parenting goal

When you look at your child right now, what specific skill or value would you like to help them learn?

Think about where their behavior seems off-track or problematic. Then fill in the blank: If my child had _______ skill/value, they wouldn’t act like this.

Often when I talk about limits, I say that when a behavior is driving you crazy, it’s time for a limit. This is also a great clue to your parenting goals. It probably means your child is missing a skill or hasn't had enough practice with a value that is important to you.

Step 2: Create a plan

What limits do you need to put into place to reach the specific goal that you have in mind?

What will happen if they don’t follow through on their part of the plan or hold your limit?

Step 3: Follow through

We set limits in order to create a container for our kids to pivot a behavior or learn a new skill. And they have to be allowed to fail until they realize they don’t want to mess up anymore.

Remember, when your kid experiences the impact of their behavior, they learn from it and the behavior will change faster. Sometimes, we need to bring those impacts into our family because we can’t always wait for natural consequences to take place.

Doing this isn’t mean. And we can do it without criticizing, lecturing or comparing them to others.

You’ll Learn:

What to do when the goal you set isn’t having the result you wanted
How to use parenting goals to help your kids learn the skills and values that will serve them (and your whole family) long term
Which goals you should focus on first
How to create a goal plan - with super detailed examples

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

[☆BONUS EPISODE☆] Mama Day Holiday Dec 23, 2022

MAMA DAY HOLIDAY is December 26!

About a decade ago, I declared the day after Christmas to be Mama Day Holiday. It was my official day off.

On Mama Day Holiday, I do NOTHING. I don't cook, clean, play with kids, or do anything I don't want to do. It's mama's day off.

Kids eat cereal for several meals, watch a lot of TV, and hopefully, happily play with all of their new toys.

I made this up because the holiday season is a LONG HAUL. It's exhausting. All of the brain-work required to plan gifts, food, photos, cards, is super draining. Plus the extra housework, gift wrapping, errand running, and cooking-cooking-cooking, is tiring!

Mamas - you deserve a day off. And no one is going to give it to you. So you have to CLAIM it.

So I hereby officially announce MAMA DAY HOLIDAY is December 26th.

Enjoy your day off!

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Siblings & Big Feelings Dec 22, 2022

In this episode, I’m talking about two of your favorite topics - meltdowns (or what I call Big Feeling Cycles) and siblings.

In more than 10 years as a parenting coach, these come up again and again as things that are the hardest for moms.

They are the core issues that lead moms to yell, then feel guilty and wind up stuck in a cycle of guilt, resentment, overwhelm and confusion. We want to get out of that cycle and make real improvements in the way our kids behave, manage their emotions and take personal responsibility for their actions.

Think of the episode as some basic tools for managing meltdowns and sibling fights that you can come back when things feel tough and you need a little reminder.

Big Feeling Cycles

You might call this a meltdown or a temper tantrum. I like to think of it as a big feeling cycle. And I especially like to call it a cycle because this reminds us that it will end.

It all starts in a moment when your child feels completely overwhelmed. And that overwhelm, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional, shows up in an extreme way like screaming, hitting, throwing, running away, etc.

They happen when your child doesn't know how to express their feelings in ways that work.

Your role as a parent is to become the observer. When you can see your child’s behavior from a different perspective and understand that it is pain or discomfort that they don’t know how to deal with, you will feel less panicked and it will be easier for you to help them through it.

When you soften your heart, your child will sense that softening and feel more calm.

So, how do we do that? By using the Connection Tool.

Narrate what you are seeing (one simple sentence - just the facts)

Name the emotion that might be driving the behavior (I wonder if you’re feeling…)

Validate their feelings (That makes sense)

What are we going to do next? (This where you can address the behavior and make a plan or set a limit with your kid)

First, we let our kids feel heard and seen. Then, we help them express their big feelings in ways that work.

This tool can only work when you are calm, but the cool thing is that thinking through the steps will help to calm you down, too.

Sibling Conflict

If you have more than one child, I’m sure you’ve experienced times where multiple kids are in a big feeling cycle. Or one kid is having big feelings and another is trying to show how much better they are in that moment. Sometimes you are also having big feelings yourself.

It’s a lot to handle.

The most important thing for you to do in this situation is to get calm.

Take a pause break.

Stop - stop talking, stop interacting, stop doing anything for a second

Delay your reaction - don’t talk to anybody or take any action

Reset - soothe yourself and calm your nervous system

There are a few different reasons that siblings fight. They might be having big feelings about something (that may or may not have anything to do with their sibling). They might be competing over something like space, possessions or attention. They might just be bored and looking for some quick entertainment (so fun, right?).

I often encourage parents to start by letting the sibling conflict go a little bit longer and see if they can solve the problem themselves.

Then, if you do need to step in, your role is to guide them through the conflict. You are not the judge, and it is not your job to solve their problems for them.

Your focus is not on the back story and all the details. It's on the future - you are looking for the path forward.

You can use a combination of the connection tool and limit setting to help the figure out what is next.

There will be sibling conflict in your home. There will be moments when your kids don't listen. And I want you to know that it's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom. It doesn't mean your kids are on a bad track.

Just get yourself back to that calm place, smile, look at them as a loving observer and find lightness where you can so that you can enjoy yourself and enjoy your kids this holiday season.

You’ll Learn:

My favorite tool to decrease the intensity and duration of meltdowns
How to take a pause break when you need to calm down
Scripts to help guide your kids through conflict

Next Steps

Using the Connection Tool may feel a little clunky or awkward at the beginning. It doesn’t come naturally, but it does get easier with practice.

And it will help your kid’s big feeling cycles to be shorter and less intense (who doesn’t want that?).

If you want to learn more about the Connection Tool, how to set limits, what to do with big feelings (yours and your kid’s) and just want to stop yelling and being so reactive, you really should be in The Emotionally Healthy Kids parenting program.

It’s 6 week parenting course, taught live on zoom in a small group. You learn every single tool and concept in my Calm Mama framework - in bite-sized chunks with time for you to ask specific questions about your family.

The first step is to book a call with me and find out if it’s a great fit for you and your family. Schedule your free call here.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Holiday Limits For Kids Dec 15, 2022

Around the holidays, everything sort of gets unstructured and chaotic. We get really busy. We get overwhelmed. Our kids lose the sense of routine that we've been establishing. And it stresses us out!

As parents, it's good for us to stop and think about how we want our winter break to go and how we want this holiday season to feel.

And a big part of creating the break you want is getting clear on some of the things that you want to set limits around over the next few weeks.

When you pre-decide how you want things to go and set routines and limits around them, you’ll be less confused (and so will your kids). You’ll also have less overwhelm, conflict and yelling.

In this episode, we’re talking all about holiday limits for kids - with lots of examples and ideas you can make your own.

Why set limits?

Limits are good for our kids and good for us. They help our kids learn to think for themselves, take personal responsibility and believe that we're going to follow through.

Limits also help us as parents to feel really calm about communicating our expectations and confident that we know how to handle misbehavior when it happens.

In the beginning, this might feel pretty hard. Your kids aren’t going to suddenly start complying all the time because you’ve laid out a limit.

This is because up until now, your kids may have been trained to believe they don’t have to comply.

It’s totally normal for your kid not to do what you ask right away when they have their own plans and no motivation to change their behavior.

The “traditional” command-threat model often plays out like this…Request. Repeat. Command. Threat. Yell. Guilt.

This is really a fear-based model. And it may get compliance in the short-term, but our goal is to stop yelling and to help our kids learn the social and emotional skills to manage themselves in the long-term.

This is where limits come in. A limit outlines both what your child can do or have and under what conditions. The consequence is built in without making it sound like a threat.

For example, you’re welcome to stay sitting here and watching the play as long as you are quiet. So, the implied consequence is that if your child is not quiet, you will leave the play.

With limits, we’re activating desire, rather than fear. We’re motivating them to get something instead of trying to get them to stop something (which is much harder).

The cool thing about limits is that regardless of the choice your child makes, they are going to learn from it. They’ll learn what they need to do to get the things they want and that it’s really in their best interest to listen to you because it benefits them.

Following through

Just because we aren’t yelling and threatening doesn’t mean there are no consequences for misbehavior. Remember, it’s built right into the limit.

But if you want limits to work, you have to be willing to follow through.

Often, a parent avoids following through on a consequence because they don’t want to deal with the meltdown. You want to avoid those big feelings because they are uncomfortable for your child and for you.

But I see these big feeling cycles as a GOOD thing, because it allows you to teach your kid how to deal with their emotions in better ways. So they can handle disappointment, hurt, anger and sadness.

Setting Limits

As the leader of your family, you have a lot of control and power over the dynamic in your household.

Getting clear on what is important to you and what you are willing to commit to following through on is the first step.

If you’ve struggled with following through in the past, it may be in part because that limit - whether it’s sweets, screentime or whatever - just wasn’t actually that important to you. And that’s ok.

My favorite way to figure out what limits to set is to think about what behaviors you are annoyed or angry about. This is a great clue that you need a limit.

Then, decide what you want to happen and use the limit setting formula to put it into words.

In the full episode, you’ll hear a ton of examples related to sweets, screens, sleep, hygiene, cleaning and more that you can borrow or adjust to use in your home this holiday season.

You’ll Learn:

Why your kids don’t listen, and the early challenges of limit setting
The difference between and limit and a request
How to use the limit setting formula to create a calmer home

Mentioned in this episode:

Episode 4: Setting Limits That Work

https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/setting-limits-that-work

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

How To Set Boundaries (Step By Step) Dec 08, 2022

This week on the podcast, I’m diving into boundaries - How to say no, how to set boundaries with kindness, and how to communicate your boundaries in a way that works. I’m giving you my detailed, step by step process that you can use with the teens and adults in your life.

Why do we need boundaries?

Ultimately, we set boundaries because we want to feel better. We want our life to work better for us. We want to have better relationships with people. We don't want to feel angry, resentful or overwhelmed.

Showing up as the mom you want to be and helping your kids grow into the people that you want them to become takes capacity and energy.

Without clear boundaries, we end up feeling drained and it takes us away from being present with our kids.

What’s bothering you?

Before you communicate and hold your boundaries, you have to know what they are.

You need to figure out what you actually want or how you want to fix or improve your relationships with others. You can even think about behaviors you want other people to change. Remember that we can’t control what anyone else does, but we can make a request and ask them if they're willing to show up in a different way for us.

A good clue that you need a boundary is if you often feel annoyed, frustrated, angry or resentful with a certain behavior or situation.

Get curious and try to figure out why it bothers you the way it does.

How to set boundaries - step by step

Step 1: Make a request

The first step in setting a boundary is communicating what you are or are not willing to do.

This is a request that we make to someone else. We either ask them if they're willing to do something or we let them know what we are willing to do and under what conditions.

Start by asking yourself:

What do I want?

What works for me?

What is going to make my life better?

What is going to make this situation work?

Step 2: Wait for the answer

Making a request or setting a boundary doesn’t mean that the other person will agree. They can respond any way they choose. It might bring up some feelings for them, and that’s ok.

Your job is to be open and curious about what comes up.

You can let their response just be words and sentences that are coming out of their head. You don't need to justify your request, defend yourself, or fix that uncomfortable, awkward moment.

You just listen. Then circle right back to the original request and say, “Yes, I hear you on all of that. And I'm asking you, would you be willing to do this?”

Step 3: Observe the situation

This is where you wait and see what happens. How will they show up? Will they hold the boundary you set?

Pay attention and notice whether or not the person is staying within your boundary or whether you’re crossing your own boundary to avoid uncomfortable situations or conflict.

What I see with moms sometimes is that we actually give up on ourselves before letting the person respond. You decide that your boundary doesn't matter. But what you’re really telling yourself is that you don't matter, that what you want doesn't matter.

You actually do really matter. Your energy, your time, your brain and your body.

Step 4: Acknowledge what’s happening

It's important for your own sense of self worth that you acknowledge what is happening to you. Acknowledge whether someone is holding or crossing your boundary. Acknowledge your experiences and feelings.

And if you want to (and feel safe), you can acknowledge it aloud to the other person.

Step 5: Decide to take action or not

It’s up to you whether or not you take action when a boundary has been crossed.

Ask yourself, “How can I take really good care of myself right now? What do I need here?”

Sometimes that means not doing anything but noticing what is happening and making note of how you want to be in the future.

Action can look like removing yourself from the room or turning down the invitation next time.

Or you can choose to talk to the other person about it. Explain that your boundary was crossed and what you want to do next.

This is hard, but the more you teach yourself that you matter and take action to care for yourself, it gets easier.

It can even improve your relationships over time when you clearly communicate and hold your boundaries. It becomes more nurturing, supportive, loving, kind and safe.

Listen to the full episode for lots of examples and scripts you can use to practice setting your own boundaries.

You’ll Learn:

Why we need boundaries
The hardest thing about setting boundaries (and how to work through it)
My 6 step process to setting and following through on boundaries
How to say “no” and communicate boundaries with kindness (with scripts)

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Holiday Overwhelm Dec 01, 2022

Overwhelm often comes from thoughts like…

I have so much to do. I don't know what to do. I'm so behind.

I don't know where to start. I'll never get this all done. I suck.

These are just thoughts. They are sentences in your head. They aren't necessarily true.

But thinking them can lead you to become overwhelmed and self-critical.

Sometimes the simple act of writing all the things down that are in your head can help you feel less overwhelmed.

In this episode I’m walking you through a simple exercise called “The Holiday Thought Dump”

Doing a holiday thought dump helps you clear out all of the jumble of junk in your mind, leaving space for your brain to work out solutions.

Sometimes the key to overwhelm is just about giving your brain one task to solve at a time.

The other cool thing I teach you in today’s episode is the YES list.

What happens when you dump out all the things you “have” to do, is that you can start thinking about the things you want to do!

Kick off December 2022 with hope and clarity, instead of overwhelm and grumpiness.

You’ll Learn:

✅ Where overwhelm comes from

✅ How a holiday thought dump helps give you clarity

✅ Prompts to get you thinking about what you WANT to do this holiday

✅ Permission to stop worrying about other people’s feelings.

NEXT STEPS

I want to invite you to start next year off with all the support you need to become the mom you want to be, and raise kids who are emotionally healthy.

That’s why I’m inviting you to schedule a discovery session with me.

This is your chance to share your parenting struggles with an expert, who has heard it all, and helped moms just like you become calm and confident.

During the call I listen as you share what's going on with your family, what you've tried, and what's not working.

You share with me what you want to see improve in your family.

We talk about your "blind spots" and what it would be like to work together.

I answer your questions about my parenting philosophy and the 3 ways you can work with me.

Book your free discovery session with me here.

Weaponized Gratitude Nov 24, 2022

With this podcast episode released on Thanksgiving, I’m talking all about gratitude, how it relates to children, how it relates to parenting, and what I'm calling weaponized gratitude.

What is gratitude?

In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”

So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation.

This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice.

The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings.

Gratitude and kids

Gratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why.

First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10.

Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it.

In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them.

But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for.

I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development.

The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them.

Weaponizing gratitude

Something I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.”

This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings.

Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you.

What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to.

We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful.

The other side of gratitude

Now don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief. All any feeling ever wants us to be felt

Gratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great.

It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all.

Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on the other side.

3 strategies to cultivate more gratitude

There are three practices that have helped me access gratitude faster. When I use these strategies regularly, they help me shift towards gratitude with greater ease, so that once I move through my negative emotion, gratitude is easy for me to find.

You can use these on your own or with your kids to cultivate more gratitude within your family.

#1 As part of my daily journaling, I complete this sentence, “I am grateful for _____ because ______.” I love adding the “because” to this sentence. Adding the benefit or reason I am grateful for what I’ve focused on for that day deepens my appreciation of it.

#2 Write a list of 10 things you really really wanted in the past and now you have. This is a great exercise for perspective and finding genuine gratitude!

#3 Switch the focus of the holiday season from 'getting' to 'giving': Bring your kids into the gift giving process and allow them to pick out gifts for others. Set a budget and talk about the reason you chose that amount for each gift.

Let the kids pick gifts within the range. Have them wrap them. The more invested they are in giving, the less focus they will have on receiving.

You’ll Learn:

Why we have to practice gratitude (it doesn’t come naturally)
How to help your kids be more grateful
Why “good vibes only” isn’t actually so good
3 strategies for cultivating more gratitude in your family

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Perfectionism, Motherhood & Me Nov 17, 2022

Today, I’m getting a little personal and sharing my story of perfectionism - how I realized I was struggling with it in the first place, where it came from, what it looked like in my life and some of the strategies I’ve used to get out of my own perfectionism.

Of course, I’m also talking about how it relates to being a mom and what happens when we, as women and mothers, try to do everything perfectly.

What perfectionism looks like

For a long time, I didn’t identify as a perfectionist. I thought I was someone who just gets stuff done. But it turned out that getting everything done all the time was what I wanted to be perfect at.

What that meant for me is when I didn't do all the things that I had said I was going to do (either commitments to myself or others), I would feel like absolute shit. Even if I was sick. If there was something I couldn’t get done, I felt terrible.

And then I would use that crappy feeling to push myself to be more and more productive.

Not that long ago, I realized that I actually wasn’t okay. And I wasn’t okay with beating myself up this way.

I would wake up in the morning feeling pressure, feeling like I was already behind, immediately running through in my mind all the things I had to do.

I thought that getting it all done is what would make me feel better. When really, I was using productivity as a coping strategy for my own insecurity.

Where perfectionism comes from

Perfectionism is a coping strategy. The root of it will be a little different for everyone, and figuring it out starts with curiosity.

I developed this strategy early in life to cope with a difficult childhood.

I was worried that if I didn’t get everything on my list done, people would be mad at me. I felt like I was one mistake away from full abandonment by everyone who was important to me. And I felt so much responsibility for everybody else's emotions towards me.

I was trying to keep myself safe from being left or hurt.

This pressure is also built into our society. We’re taught that sacrifice is a virtue, especially in motherhood. That the best mom is also the most tired mom. And that our value is based on how we perform.

The problem with perfectionism

There's this pressure on women to do it all, do it all well, and smile while you're doing it.

It breaks my heart.

My coping strategy of high productivity was hurting me. It was putting so much pressure on me. The overplanning, checklists and hyperproductivity were a way to protect myself from the feeling that I wasn’t safe, good enough or lovable. It was like my drug.

But I didn't want that pressure anymore. I wanted to find a way to feel lovable, worthy, relaxed and peaceful.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to love myself and trust myself. And I didn't want to keep using that old coping skill of shoving it down and getting it all done.

I wanted to explore the question, “Even if I don’t do everything, can I still be okay?”

Beyond perfect

What I’ve learned about myself is that I am not a lazy, horrible, mean person - even when I’m not doing all the things.

I’m still really lovable, and my family and friends still care about me. I'm not as at risk of abandonment and rejection as I thought I was.

I also learned that even if I don't follow my own rules of life for days at a time, I still don’t become my worst fear. I still take care of myself, work hard and achieve goals.

I realized that when I listen to my body, my heart and soul, when I take excellent care of myself…the pressure lessens, or even goes away.

Because I know that I can trust myself even if I don't follow my own list of rules one day. I’m not a lost cause. I can just give myself what I need and get back to my goals the next day. When I care for myself, I have more capacity to be productive later.

This is what self care really has become for me - deep listening and deep trust, letting go of that pressure to be perfect.

I’ve also identified different tools to help me cope with my insecurity, anxiety or overwhelm. Things like taking a walk, reading, going to the beach with my kids, calling a friend or just laying down.

This stuff is pretty uncomfortable to share, but I think it will help you in your own journey toward deeper self love, self acceptance, and self trust.

You are worthy of love and have the right to call yourself a good mom, no matter how your kids behave.

You're worthy of love and have the right to call yourself a good mom, even if you prioritize your wellbeing over your children's schedule, diet, schoolwork, sports events, social life, and whatever else society tells you is the most important thing.

You are worthy of love purely because you're here in the world right now.

You’ll Learn:

Why perfectionism is so common with moms - and how it’s hurting us
How our society pressures us to do it all
What I’ve learned through my own struggle with perfectionism
Strategies to find more peace and self love

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Boundaries And Limits Nov 10, 2022

In this episode, I’m talking all about boundaries, limits and rules. What is the difference between them? And how can you best utilize them, especially as we go into the holiday season?

Rules, Boundaries & Limits - What’s the difference?

A rule is when you say what your child can or can’t do. Rules are a first step in teaching your kid how to listen, be responsible and think

A limit takes it a step further. It communicates to your child what they can do and the conditions that they can do it under.

A boundary is what you are or are not willing to do, and under what conditions. It’s a lot more about what you are comfortable with as a person.

So, rules and limits tell your child what they can or can’t do, and boundaries tell them what you are willing to do.

Setting effective rules, limits & boundaries

Rules, limits and boundaries all have a place and a purpose.

The most important thing is to be intentional about why you are setting them. You have to think in advance about what you want and what results you hope you see.

In addition, your rules will become more effective when you can turn them into limits.

When your child doesn’t follow a rule, you might be left feeling confused about what to do next. With a limit, that step is built in.

Inside my coaching programs, I teach a six-step limit setting process that includes:

Choose what you want.
Commit to the result.
Check your capacity.
Communicate your limit or boundary.
Check back in.
Consequence (follow through on your limit or boundary).

Following through on Boundaries & Limits

Boundaries are more about what you as an individual are okay with, and they come into play not only in parenting, but in our adult relationships as well.

Remember that you cannot control what other humans (kid or adult) are going to do or say. You can only control the way you respond.

Even if you can clearly state what you are or are not comfortable with, following through when people don’t respect your boundaries can feel really hard.

Because when you enforce or you maintain your own boundary, other people are going to have thoughts and feelings about that. They might get upset, argue with you, blame you, defend themselves, or rage.

They are resisting the consequence or impact of their actions.

In people-pleasing, we try to avoid this discomfort. We want to make everybody happy and we don’t want others to be upset with us.

But then YOU end up being the one who’s unhappy and uncomfortable. And that’s not what we want.

Holding people accountable to their behavior doesn’t have to include shame, lectures or convincing the other person that our boundary or limit is ok.

And they are entitled to their thoughts and feelings. They are allowed to have that experience of you or think negative thoughts about you. It's okay. That's the way that they are processing their experience of you holding the boundary.

You often only have to really get serious about a limit or boundary a few times before the limit becomes much more clear with your kid and they begin to be more compliant. This is training, discipline - it’s what parenting is all about.

You’ll Learn:

The difference between boundaries, limits and rules (with real-life examples)
Strategies to decide what you want your rules, limits and boundaries to be
How to know you need a limit or boundary
My 6-step process for setting effective limits

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Codependency In Parenting Nov 03, 2022

Today on Become A Calm Mama, I'm talking about a concept called codependency and how it shows up in parenting.

Our children are naturally dependent on us to care for them. In this episode, I’ll help you understand the difference between healthy dependency and a less healthy codependent model.

I’ll also give you some guidelines to figure out if codependency is a struggle for you and what to do about it.

What is codependency?

As parents, we are responsible for meeting our children's physical, practical, financial and emotional needs that they can't meet for themselves because of their developmental stage. And the goal as they get older is that they become more and more capable of meeting their own needs.

Healthy dependency looks like taking care of our kids because they can't take care of themselves yet. This type of parenting is guided by our big picture vision of helping our children become adults who are dependent on themselves.

In a codependent relationship, you need something from the other person in order for you to feel good about yourself.

You lose sight of yourself and decide that the needs of someone else are more important than your needs.

How does codependency show up in parenting?

Codependency in parenting is when you, as the parent, need something from your kid in order to feel good. Your identity or self worth as a person gets woven into your role of caregiving, and it creates an unhealthy dynamic in your parent-child relationship.

There are three areas where I see this come up a lot in parenting.

You need your kid to need you. You are dependent on them to have your emotional needs met. You need to be needed in order to feel valuable and to feel that your life has purpose. This often leads to a lot of rescuing, extreme helpfulness and wanting to make decisions for your child.

You need your kid to be happy in order for you to feel happy. Of course we want to have compassion and connection with our kids, but the problem arises when you are not able to shift your own emotion until your child shifts theirs.

You need approval from others (your kids or other people) in order to feel secure. You look outside of yourself for validation of your self-worth. This typically shows up as people-pleasing. In parenting, you might put a lot of pressure on yourself and your family to present yourself in a certain way. It can also look like you needing your kid to like you or approve of you, which leads to struggles with setting limits, holding boundaries or allowing your kid to experience discomfort.

If you identify with any of these situations, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s super normal to struggle because we are socialized to be codependent (especially as women).

5 strategies to help you shift out of codependent behavior

You don’t need to utilize all 5 of these strategies. Just pick one thing that you want to work on and come back later when you’re ready for another.

Detach. Rather than detaching from yourself, we're going to detach from the other person and our need for them to be to feel good or our need for their approval. Instead, we're going to begin to look for happiness inside of ourselves.

Self-soothe. Learn how to feel your feelings, and find ways to allow those emotions to move through you. Catch yourself and take a pause break.

Speak kindly to yourself. Stop being so mean to yourself and learn to coach yourself into new ways of thinking.

Cultivate self-trust. Build the belief that you can handle anything that happens.

Set better limits and boundaries. Hold your kids and others accountable when they don’t keep within your limits.

If some of this feels really heavy to you, I want you to really take care of yourself and give yourself a lot of love and kindness.

Beating yourself up and criticizing yourself is not the pathway to change. Awareness is the pathway to change.

Let's shift. Let's grow, Let's heal.

You’ll Learn:

How to tell the difference between healthy dependency and codependency in parenting
3 areas where I see codependency come up for parents (and why it happens)
Why it is so common to struggle with codependency
5 key strategies to release yourself from codependency

Resources:

Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More”

Episode 4: Setting Limits that Work

Episode 9: Pause & Reset Your Emotions

Episode 10: Pause & Reset Your Mind

Episode 36: Overcoming Fear With Raising Teens

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Respect Vs Disrespect Oct 27, 2022

Parents often say to me that their child “is being disrespectful” or that “their behavior is disrespectful”. But is it? And if so, what can you do about it?

In this episode, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between respectful and disrespectful behavior, why not everything falls into one of those two categories and how to create mutual respect in your family.

What is mutual respect?

One of the concepts I teach in my program, The Calm Mama Club, is this idea of mutual respect.

This means that as a parent you are cultivating community within your family. This looks like: I care about you. I will help you. I am willing to be uncomfortable for your benefit. I'm willing to delay gratification so that you will be more comfortable or have your needs met. AND you are willing to do those things for me.

We all have different needs, desires and expectations, and we can come together and figure out how to meet everybody's needs. This won’t be perfect. You won’t make everyone happy every time. The important part is talking about it and considering if it could be possible and how to do it.

Between respect and disrespect

I share a few different definitions of respect in this episode. Essentially, it means that we are willing to pay attention to and have concern for another person. We look at what is in their body, mind and heart, and we are willing to see it all as important.

Parents often think that their child is disrespecting them because the child is not being considerate of their feelings, wishes, rights or traditions.

But having disrespect goes beyond just not considering. Disrespect is a way of thinking, an attitude of not caring about another person’s feelings, wishes and rights. It even goes so far as having ill regard for somebody else's feelings or desires.

I want to offer another perspective, one that lies somewhere between respect and disrespect. Something more neutral.

Non-regard or non-respect.

In non-respect, the child is in their own needs, feelings and wishes and they are simply not able to hold your feelings, wishes, thoughts and desires in mind.

It's not an active attempt to disregard what you want or need. It's just a non-regard. You're just not part of their thought process in that moment. And this is developmentally normal for kids.

How to cultivate mutual respect

Now of course you're going to want your kids to learn this concept of mutual respect. We want them to grow and be able to have high regard for us. To have respect for us. To consider our feelings and wishes and rights. We want them to be able to think about our time and our resources and consider the impact that their behavior or request might have on us.

We want to give our kids this ability to grow and to respect others. And we can do it in two ways.

Model self-respect

Your children will look to you to show them how you want to be treated. You can teach them what it means to be in a relationship with you.

That means you must think of yourself with high regard, consider your feelings and wishes and prioritize your own emotional wellbeing.

Limit setting is a great tool to hold your boundaries and show your child what respectful behavior looks like.

Show respect

This looks like being considerate of your child’s wishes and holding their feelings in high regard. It doesn’t mean that you need to give in to every wish.

It looks like recognizing and validating your child’s needs and emotions.

This is connection.

It's a lot easier for someone to give respect when they feel respected. They know how good it feels and are more willing to do that for other people. That's how you cultivate mutual respect in a family.

You’ll Learn:

What disrespect really looks like (and what it doesn’t)
Why showing respect is challenging for kids
What you can do to encourage respectful relationships in your family

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Are you a mean mom? Oct 20, 2022

The difference between being mean and being firm can be confusing.

A lot of moms think that when they are firm with their children, they are being mean.

For example - when you have one of your kids pulling your other kid’s hair, it’s not mean to say “Stop that. Or Don’t do that. That’s not safe. ” with a firm voice.

Or when your child is hitting you or spitting on you. It’s not mean to say “No. Don’t hit me. My body stays safe.”

Moms will say to me “i was so mean. I’m such a terrible mom.”

And I’ll say “tell me what happened” and often as they share the story, they tell me things like i’ve just described. They’ve used a firm voice when their kid was doing something unsafe. Or they set a boundary with their body. Or when they’ve clearly communicated to their child that their behavior doesn’t work.

When your 3 year old is screaming in a restaurant, It’s not mean to take them outside and with a very clear voice say “Screaming in a restaurant isn’t ok. We will go back inside when your body is calm. Let me help you by jumping up and down together.”

When your 8 year old is using swear words, it’s not mean to say “Those words are not ok. You can stay here with us as long as you use kind words”. It’s also not mean to say “Looks like you are using potty words, you can go into the bathroom and say those and come out when you’re ready.”

It’s not mean to let your child know that because they made you late for work 4 times this week you aren’t willing to drive them to the mall on Saturday.

It’s not mean to leave your 7 year old at home with mom or day when you go to target (even if you promised) if they called you a stupid wicked woman earlier that day.

It’s not mean to hold a 4 year olds hands when they are hitting you or their sibling.

It’s not mean to not give your teen their allowance or let them drive the car or buy them a new dress or tie for homecoming if their room is a mess.

Using a firm voice isn’t mean.
Keeping people safe isn’t mean.
Having limits isn’t mean.
Enforcing your boundaries isn’t mean.
Following through on consequences isn’t mean.

Don’t confuse being firm with being mean.

Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away.

There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage.

And right now, if you are hearing me say these examples, you might be flooded with shame and guilt.

The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it.

I want to model this for you. I’m going to share with you - right now- a moment when I was too physical with my child. A moments when instead of being firm, I was mean. And this is are hard to admit. But I also know that when we keep moments like this in the dark, we are strangled by the shame of those moments. We get stuck in that shame of feeling like we are bad and wrong. And being stuck in shame is the opposite of becoming calm.

Ok, so there was this moment when Lincoln was around 18 months. We were on a camping trip and it was hot and dusty and I was pretty overwhelmed by it. Keeping a baby safe around a fire and with dirt and all of that was hard for me. We hadn’t slept much. It was the morning, and it was just lincoln and I in the tent and he needed a diaper change. While I was changing his diaper, he kicked me in the stomach. I have no idea if it was a hard kick or not, but it hurt. And without a second of pause, I slapped his leg. It was kick/slap. Like that fast.

And I saw that red handprint on his little leg and I was filled with GUILT. Guilt is a normal emotion and it makes sense to feel it when we do something wrong. When we hurt someone. When we are mean.

Then, almost immediately, I was flooded with shame. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says there’s something wrong with me. In that moment I was like “I am a terrible mom. I shouldn’t even be a mom, If other moms knew I did this they would hate me. I hate me” Then I catastrophized the moment and made it mean a lot about the future “Im going to fuck up this kid. He’s going to be such a mess. I’m ruining him”.

In that moment I didn’t admit I needed help. My shame kept me trapped. I didn’t really address my rage. My reactivity. The trauma response I was acting out.

Let me say a quick note on what I mean by trauma response – As a child I experienced a lot of abuse and neglect. One of my coping strategies was to be hypervigilant and protective of myself to make sure I didn’t get hurt. Those protective strategies worked until I became a mom. Cuz kids hit, they kick, they spit, they scream, they do all sorts of “out of bounds” behaviors because they are young and don’t know any better. They are just acting out all of their feelings and it’s our job to teach them how to act those feelings out in ways that work for everybody. But my brain saw their behaviors as an actual threat to my safety and core identity. So I got bigger, louder, stronger, meaner, colder, hotter - basically I did all sorts of mean things to shut their shit down so I could feel better.

Was it mean to hit my kid? Yes. It was. But here’s the thing. We have to talk about the mean things in order to get help to change. If shame would have kept me stuck, I would have stayed in the “i’m a mean mom” story,

I would never have learned how to be a calm mama.

I didn’t get help with my rage until Lincoln was 4. And even then, it took me a few years before I was able to regularly stop being mean with my body.

It has taken me longer to stop being mean with my mouth.

Being mean with your mouth is when you personalize your kid’s behavior or mistakes and say something about them as a person.

What is wrong with you? You always do this. People aren’t going to like you if you do things like this. You’re mean. You’re a liar. You never change. Keep eating like that and you’re going to be fat. Don’t be a cry baby.

You get the point. I don’t want to go too far with these, because it feels awful to hear them.

Lectures are often mean.

Insults are mean.

Name calling is mean.

Physical aggression is mean.

Threats are mean.

Sometimes rescuing your kid from a mistake is mean…

If you are in a pattern of being mean, the first thing you want to do is admit it to someone. Either to your partner, your sister, your best friend. Or book a complimentary session with me and we can talk about it. That’s the reason I started working as a parent coach. To help you understand WHY you act the way you do, and get tools to change. And to help you understand WHY your kids act the way they do, and get tools to teach them.

As I’ve done this work over the past 10 years, I’ve learned just how valuable it is to un-shame our experiences as moms in a community. With other moms who are healing and learning and growing alongside of you.

So here’s your takeaway for this week.

When you have the thought – I’m so mean, Look at what you actually said or did. Maybe you were being firm? Maybe you were being very clear with your limits and boundaries? Maybe your child needed to experience the impact of their behavior and choices so you followed through on your consequences.

If you think good-ole parenting and being the leader in your family is MEAN, your kids will definitely pick up on that energy. They will decide that there aren’t any grown ups around and maybe they should be in charge. They won’t know when the rules matter and when they don’t. Then you’ll feel super frustrated that they don’t follow your rules or keep within your boundaries, and you might slip into meanness in order to get back control.

The best thing you can do is find your firm, strong, leadership voice as a mom. Get clear on what is and what is not allowed in your family. Be firm, without being harsh.

I’ll leave you with this quote from one of my clients who said “Firm limits are the shortcut to the behavior you want without making your kid feel like shit in the process”. Yep. Firm, but not mean. You’ve got this. Have a great week.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Things I Say The Most Oct 13, 2022

After 10 years of coaching parents, I’ve said a lot of things. But there are certain pieces of information, advice and mindset shifts that I come back to over and over again.

In this episode, I’m sharing the five things I say the MOST as a parenting coach.

And even if you’ve heard me say some of these before, they’re always worth hearing again.

#1 Be comfortable with your kid’s discomfort.

It’s in the tough moments of life where real learning and growing happens. And this can be hard for us to witness as parents.

Comfort with their discomfort looks like compassion without blame, shame, rescuing or saying “I told you so”.

#2 Feelings drive behavior.

All behavior is a result of thoughts and feelings, including your children's misbehavior.

When kids don't know what to do with their feelings, they show up in ways that don't work (hitting, shouting, complaining, whining, name-calling, refusal, ignoring, etc).

But what if these behaviors don’t mean anything about our child’s character? What if these behaviors are just a form of communication? A way for your child to express their feelings?

#3 Parent the kid in front of you.

I like to say parent the kid in front of you, not the one you think you should have or the one you are afraid they'll become.

If your kid makes a mistake or misbehaves, that's information and insight to what your child already knows and what they still need to learn.

#4 Consistency is bullshit. Commitment is key.

Parents are always told that they should be consistent. Consistency is based around the idea to do the same thing every time, every day, in the same way.

Being consistent isn't possible, really. Because life isn't consistent.

I teach my clients to focus on commitment. When you are committed to a new limit, when you really want something to happen (like bedtime, chores, screen rules, no toys at the table, whatever), and it doesn't work out right away, you won't get so discouraged. You won't need to blame yourself.

Instead, you will reset and keep showing up for yourself, no matter how many times life gets in the way.

#5 Motherhood is a relationship, not a job.

When moms feel guilty, it's usually because they are trying to solve problems that aren't theirs.

This happens when you think being a mom is your "job".

In a job, you are responsible for a specific outcome. You have to complete certain tasks to get a result and if you don't do those tasks, the job doesn't get done and it's your fault.

You aren't responsible for your children's outcomes. And that can be a hard thing to accept.

I encourage you to pick one of these ideas and practice it this week. And listen to the full episode for a deeper dive.

You’ll Learn:

5 game-changing parenting concepts

How different coping strategies show up in your kid’s behavior

The difference between consistency and commitment

How the way you view your role as a mom might lead to guilt or disappointment

If you want help with any of the concepts I talked about on the podcast this week, I encourage you to join Calm Mama Club.

There's so much cool stuff happening in that group. You’ll have access to weekly live group coaching calls, a new support group for parents of teens and Calm Mama Happy Hours and Coffee Mornings.

You’ll connect with like-minded mamas in the private Facebook group and there are tons of course materials and resources available to you on demand.

It’s everything you need to get calm and be more connected to your kid. Join us now.

Overcoming Fear Oct 06, 2022

I keep thinking of the image of a tightrope walker with a safety net below them.

Your kids are on the tightrope, up high, navigating the distances between one development stage to another.

You aren’t on the tightrope. You are the net holder.

When your kids are little, your net is really close to the tightrope because you are literally keeping your kid alive.

But as your kid gets older, your net needs to drop lower and lower.

Dropping your net can be scary.

Especially when your teenager starts making very adult decisions and maybe those decisions aren’t so great and you are terrified they will fall off the tightrope and your entire body is tight with panic.

Falling is normal.

The drop from the tightrope to the net is where all your kid’s learning happens.

The falling is the learning. Not the walking across.

Most of us do anything we can to prevent the fall.

Watching your kid fall is HARD because it feels SCARY and RISKY.

That’s why parents yell, threaten their kids, lecture, monologue on the worst-case-scenarios, give them extreme consequences, or bribe their kids not to mess up. Because we don’t want to feel the discomfort that comes when our kids make mistakes and “fall”.

It’s also why we rescue - which I talk a lot about in episode 20 called Why your kid doesn’t listen.

Even as I talk about this I recognize just how absolutely difficult this can be. I’m living it right now.

That push/pull of motherhood as I grapple with dropping my net.

The conflict is between trusting my kids will be ok, while also desperately wanting to prevent them from experiencing any pain, discomfort, or failure.

I choose trust.

This is what you can take comfort in.

You are down below; watching, waiting, holding your breath, trusting them, hoping they don’t fall but knowing it’s ok if they do…because you always have your net ready.

Parenthood is one long journey of dropping your net and trusting your kid.

I’m going to talk a little bit about what I mean when I say Trust.

1st: Trust yourself. You are a mom and won’t ever stop being one. You’ve trained your brain and heart to pay attention to your kid for years. You can trust that you will continue to show up for your kid. Help them solve problems.

Think about things that you have solved in the past - when your kids were younger. For me,

When kindergarten was an absolute disaster for Lincoln, I pulled him out and waited a year until he tried again.
When traditional school environments weren’t working for him, we found an alternative school that was a better fit
We signed up for things and kept doing them until they didn’t seem to fit. Knowing when to start and when to quit.
When I needed parenting support, I found our family a parenting coach and got us help.
I’ve survived stitches and broken bones.
I’ve watched my kids struggle with bad grades, friendship hardships, emotional pain,
I mean we all survived ZOOM school and months of quarantine!!!

Recognize and honor your past self. All the intuition she has shown, and all the wisdom she has gained. Be grateful for her and what she’s done or overcome to get you here.

Now, think about future you. You from 5 years from now. How will she look back on this time of your life? She’s going to think you’re amazing. She’s going to be proud of you. She’s going to be grateful.

That’s what self-trust is about. Trusting past you for doing her best. Being kind to you in this moment. Trusting yourself that you are doing your best right now and that you can handle anything that comes your way.

Trusting that you will always have your net out.

You’ve already survived and overcome a lot. And you’re still here. So I know you can figure out how to raise a teen!

#2 Trusting Your Kid

This is a little harder. When you look at your kid right now, it might be hard to trust them. Because your kid has an undeveloped brain. They don’t have a lot of life-experience because they haven’t lived a ton of life. You might look at your teen and think they don’t have a great track record. That’s ok.

Trusting your kid is not about finding evidence in the present moment to calm your fear.

Trusting your kid is about knowing them deeply. Who they are at their core. Their strengths. Calling on the things that delight you. What they are capable of. What is possible for them. Anchoring your beliefs in what you know is true about your kid.

Trusting your kid is also about looking towards the future and creating a POSITIVE vision for their life. When you spend a lot of time thinking about all that could go wrong, you are fueling the fear. Which cuts off your creative and compassionate thinking. Fear lives in the limbic center of the brain. Too much fear triggers your stress response and puts you into a reactive state. Fear makes it hard to access the higher parts of the brain where all of your best problem solving and planning come from.

Your teen needs you to be doing your BEST thinking. Solving from hope, and possibility. Their brain is freaking out. They are relying on you to steady the ship. Be the captain. Let them know you can ride these storms. That this is temporary. You’ll get through it.

That means you have to have a vision of the future that is GOOD. One that your teen can borrow from you.

I call this creating a Positive Parenting Vision. Push out 5 years and think/dream/write about what is possible for your child. A few prompts are: What do I know is true about my teen that helps me believe they will get through this? In 5 years from now what is possible for them? What will success look like in 5 years?

Quieting your fear makes it possible for you to get into your intuition. When you look at the kid in front of you, and don’t look at them from fear, what do they need right now? More limits? Maybe. Or maybe they need more connection? More curiosity? More space to grow?

Is it time for you to lower your net just a little?

This topic of fear & trust is so important. Cultivating trust in yourself and your kids makes it much easier for you kids to believe in themselves! They borrow your belief.

If you are raising a teenager right now, then you will love the Raising Teens without losing your shit masterclass. When you understand WHY your teen acts the way they do, and can manage your mind around their behavior and struggles, you will start showing up with less fear, listen better, have better conversations with your teen, and not feel so worried and angry…and sad.

After this 90 minute class, you’ll walk away with a bunch of “AHA’s! I get it” and you’ll feel so much better. You’ll know why your teen acts the way they do. You’ll know why it activates your stress response. And you’ll know how to navigate these years without losing your shit.

It’s $25 for the recorded class, and includes the Raising Teens Guidebook. Download it here

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Developing Responsibility In Teens Sep 29, 2022

**Raising Teens Masterclass!** Details below.

This episode is all about raising responsible adults and, more specifically, developing responsibility in our teenagers. It’s all about the tension between what teenagers want (freedom) and what they don't want (responsibility).

Today, you’ll learn how to navigate this tension by using limits and boundaries to give freedom and teach responsibility.

The Relationship Between Freedom and Responsibility

Teenagers want FREEDOM. They want to live in a rule-free house. They want to be trusted. They want independence.

They want to sleep when they want, game when they want, eat what they want, talk to who they want, leave when they want, come home when they want…

What they don’t want is RESPONSIBILITY. They think they do, but they don’t really know what that means.

This is the underlying tension of it all. Your teenager wants freedom, but they can’t quite handle all of the responsibility that comes with the freedom they desire.

Can Your Teen Handle More Freedom?

Giving teenagers freedom is REALLY HARD for us because we feel afraid that our kids won't make good decisions. And as kids get older, the stakes seem higher.

This feeling of powerlessness can be scary. Especially when your teenager starts making very adult decisions and your entire body is tight with a feeling of terror.

When we feel afraid for our kids, we tend to put on more rules, more restrictions.

We decrease freedom.

We take away their right to see their friends. We cut off the use of their phone. We don’t let them go to things.

In the short term, it seems like this is the best plan. Take away privilege and they’ll learn to think before they act.

Being super strict is also a way for you to get back control so you feel safer.

But decreasing freedom in adolescence isn’t actually serving you…or your teenager.

It can hurt your teen’s self concept, hold back their social development, breed disconnection between you and lead to communication problems and resentment.

But possibly the biggest impact is that decreasing freedom also deprives your teenager of the opportunity to develop responsibility.

So how do you prepare a teenager to become an adult who can successfully manage ALL the FREEDOM and ALL the RESPONSIBILITY?

Give Your Teen More Responsibility

As your teen increases in freedom, they should also have more responsibility.

Instead of taking away freedom and privilege, what responsibilities can you add?

Here’s the thing. Eventually your child will become an adult. They will have the freedom. You will have no control.

And the reason you won’t have any control is because you will no longer be responsible for your child. They will be responsible for themselves.

That’s why giving them age-appropriate boundaries that honor their need for freedom within a structured limit that fosters responsibility is super important.

Listen to the full episode for examples and tips.

You’ll Learn:

Why more rules and restrictions are not serving your or your teen
Real-life example of how to use freedom as a test of responsibility
How to set effective limits without being extreme, harsh or removing all privileges

In the Raising Teens Masterclass, I walk you through the social and emotional stages of adolescence, helping you understand what’s normal, what they need and why they act the way they act.

What you learn in this class will help you manage your mind, set limits that work, get closer to your teen during this time (yes, it's possible) AND not lose your shit in the process.

The Masterclass is on demand. It's only $25 for a 90-minute class, plus the Raising Teens Guidebook

Get The Raising Teens Masterclass Here

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Parenting Teens What It's Like Sep 22, 2022

Today we are going to focus on the PARENTS! Yay! The thing you want.

Parenthood is a journey from feeling like you have a lot of control to feeling as if you have none.

You go from being “in charge” of a tiny human to being not “in charge” of an adult.

Yelling, threatening and bribing are ways you try to get your power back. Using fear to get your kids to listen is your attempt to feel in control.

The thing is, you never had power or control in the first place. And no other time in parenting does this feel more true is when raising teens.

Darlynn

Common Struggles

Confusion about your role - Knowing what you are responsible for and what you aren't. Being unclear about what limits/boundaries to set.
Fear about their future - When we are afraid they won’t reach their potential we constantly intervene in order to “teach” our kids how they should behave. The problem is that failure is the real teacher. Whenever we intervene we deprive our kids of opportunities to learn.
Uncomfortable with their discomfort - Teen years are full of hard moments. This can be hard for parents to witness.

Failure creates discomfort. Either emotionally or practically. If we are uncomfortable when our child is sad or frustrated, then we will have a tendency to stop negative consequences from happening. We end up in rescue mode - which ultimately results in us feeling resentful and our child feeling entitled.

Feeling distant and disconnected. Not being sure how to talk to your kids about their lives.
Not trusting your kids - feeling powerless

This feeling of powerlessness can be scary. Especially when your teenager starts making very adult decisions and your entire body is tight with a feeling of terror.
Sometimes we don’t really trust our kid’s judgment or thought process. We don’t have confidence in their thinking, so we do all the thinking for them. We end up being controlling. This can go one of two ways - either our kid rebels against our control, or they end up lacking self-confidence and live in fear of making mistakes.
This also erodes your child’s self concept

Not processing your own grief around the shifts in your role as a mom.

There is an inherent loss that accompanies raising a teen. If you don’t recognize and talk about the loss, your feelings might show up as hypercontrolling or checking out as a way to cope with your own grief.
Strategies
Define your limits: What works for you. What is your teen allowed to do and under what conditions. What are you willing to do for your teen and under what conditions. If you aren’t willing to respect your boundaries, your teen won’t respect them either. And they won’t learn how to hold boundaries for themselves.
Boundaries aren’t the problem. It’s holding our boundaries and dealing with the emotional/practical impact of holding your boundary. (Examples: Lincoln with use of car
Positive Parenting Vision: Push out 5 years and write about what is possible for your child. A few prompts are: What do I know is true about my teen that helps me believe they will get through this? In 5 years from now what is possible for them? What will success look like in 5 years?
Process your negative emotions (This will help you be ok with your child’s struggle) Label the actual emotions you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel them. If you need to be sad, be sad. If you need to be mad, be mad. If you need to do some worst-case scenario thinking and feel scared, go for it. Just be in it. Avoid telling yourself you shouldn't feel what you are feeling.
Solve for worst case scenario - Play out the scenarios of unprotected sex, failed grades, drugs and alcohol, vaping, social isolation, extreme video gaming,

What It's Like To Be A Teenager Today Sep 15, 2022

Today’s teenager is a complicated being.

That’s why I’m so excited to have Jennifer Delliquadri with me on the podcast for the next 2 episodes! Jennifer is a life coach for teenagers and their parents. With over 14 years working as a classroom teacher, Jennifer is an expert at connecting with teens.

Over the next 2 weeks, Jenn and I are talking about all things teenagers and all things parenting teenagers. We’re speaking from our experiences as coaches, and we are also both moms of teens, too.

Today, she’s sharing the common struggles she sees among teens today, what your teen really wants you to know and how you can best communicate with and support them. We also dive into generational differences in how we experience, process and communicate our emotions.

If I do say so myself, her passion for coaching teens and mine for coaching moms just might be a match made in heaven.

Common Patterns and Struggles in Today’s Teenagers

Increased sense of anxiety. Though most teens are not clinically anxious, they still experience anxious feelings. Social anxiety, in particular, is a big one for teens - and it’s been increased by the effects of the pandemic and the isolation that we’ve experienced over the past couple of years. They missed a very important part of their development in being social with other teens and their peers.

Now, they doubt their ability to converse, they're nervous to go up to talk to people they don't know, make phone calls, so a lot of them avoid it. As a result of this overwhelm, they often need more time to recharge after social interactions.

Inability to effectively process and express their emotions. The generation of teens that are growing up now are much more aware of their feelings, but that doesn’t mean that they always know what to do with them.

Many teens also have a perception that feeling bad or anxious is a problem, when it’s really just a part of being human. They may try to push those feelings away, hide them or shove them down, but the feeling doesn’t go away. When it eventually comes out is when we see explosions and meltdowns.

Self doubt and low self esteem. Teenagers focus on peers, and they often feel like they’re being looked at under a microscope. They're thinking of all the ways they don't measure up to others, and constant interaction and social media magnify this. That self doubt can then lead to making poor decisions or doing things that they wouldn't normally do to fit in.

How To Support Your Teen

Jenn shares a few key things that your teen really wants you to know and how you can support them during these years.

It all comes down to listening, creating a safe space for them to communicate, setting boundaries that make sense and then trusting that they will figure it out and they will be okay.

There is so much good stuff in this episode. Listen now to hear it all!

You’ll Learn:

Common patterns in today’s teeangers
Additional challenges of being a teen in the time of social media and constant interaction with peers
Differences between the preteen/early teen and later teen/early adulthood years
5 things your teenager really wants you to know
What makes today’s teens so great (‘cause it’s not all bad!)

Connect with Jenn:

Jennifer Delliquadri offers 1:1 coaching for preteens to young adults. You can learn more about her programs at www.jenniferdelliquadri.com and follow her on Instagram at @jennifer.delliquadri

If you have a teenager and want to raise a responsible adult without losing your sh%t, this masterclass is for you.

In this Masterclass you'll

Find out what's normal for teens...and what's not
Figure out how to set rules and limits for teenagers
Get clear about your role and know what you are responsible for and what you aren't
Stop lecturing and get new tools to talk (& listen) to your teen so you feel closer and don't drift apart
Learn practical ways to manage your own mindset around the worries and grief that comes with raising teens.

**INCLUDES "PARENTING TEENS" GUIDEBOOK

Get an immediate download of the masterclass and workbook. https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/teen-masterclass

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Adolescence & Identity Sep 08, 2022

Today I’m talking about the evolution of self concept and identity, and specifically, how that develops throughout adolescence.

The onset of puberty and adolescence (usually around the age of 12), is when we really start to see our kids starting to figure out who they are and what they think and feel about themselves. They begin the process of creating a self concept.

In this episode, we’ll go on a little tour of the different stages of self concept and how you can best support your teen through it.

Childhood Identities

Prior to middle school, your child has inherited their self concept from others. They start out with the thoughts and feelings that you and others have about them.

Some of these may be positive, like I’m a good student, I’m a kind brother, I’m an artist. Others may not be so great - I’m a troublemaker, I’m bad at math, I don’t have friends.

You can set your child up to build a strong self concept by exposing them to lots of positive thoughts and identities when they are younger.

As they approach adolescence, they begin to develop self consciousness - simply being conscious of themselves as an individual within the group.

The Middle School and High School Years

The middle school years are when your kid begins to build their own self concept.

At first, they are really sorting through those inherited thoughts and feelings and deciding for themselves which ones they want to keep and which to let go of.

Along the way they’re constantly bumping up against new self concepts and trying on different thoughts to see if they fit.

And of course there’s the added challenge of being surrounded by a bunch of other kids who are trying to figure this all out at the same time.

As parents, we sorta have to watch from the sidelines, and it can be really hard to see your kid trying out a self concept that you don’t want for them.

They may choose their friends based on similarities in their thoughts and self concepts and they might also pick up new thoughts and identities from people they hang around with.

When you’re in it, you might feel pretty panicked as a parent sometimes. You want to engineer and manage the whole thing. But you can’t.

Ways You Can Support Your Adolescent Child

Become a witness. You still have a lot of influence over them, even if you no longer have a lot of power.

Actively choose thoughts and beliefs about your kid that you want them to believe about themselves. When you keep exposing those positive ideas to them, they're more likely to pick those pieces of their self concept. Those are going to feel really easy for them to try on and identify with if they’ve been hearing them their whole lives.

Focus more on who you DO want your child to become rather than who you are afraid they’ll become.

Remember, self concept is always evolving and changing (our entire lives!). Just because your kid has picked up an identity you don’t love, doesn’t mean it’s permanent.

You’ll Learn:

A helpful exercise to guide your teen’s self concept
Some of the biggest, most powerful thoughts you can think about your child
What to do when you’re stuck in a negative thought loop about your kid

Resources:

Podcast episode 31 - Self Concept

If you’re feeling worried about your kid’s self concept. You think you don’t know who to shift your thoughts, what to say to your kid or how to help them, I want to invite you to download the Raising Teens Masterclass.

You'll find out all the things you need to know about raising teens right now. We’re talking about your mindset, practical skills to build self concept in kids, what kids are thinking, what they're struggling with and how to help them.

It’s $25 and you can sign up right now.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Guiding Your Kid’s Self Concept Sep 01, 2022

What is self concept? How is it different from self esteem? Is it your responsibility as a parent to help shape your child’s self concept?

In this episode, I’m talking all about self concept - what it is, why it matters and how it forms.

What Is Self Concept?

Self concept is a collection of thoughts you think about yourself. It’s different from self-esteem because esteem is more how you feel about yourself.

How Does Self Concept Form?

Children inherit their self-concept from parents, grandparents, teachers and other adults. They compare themselves to their siblings and create thoughts about themselves based on how they relate to their siblings. They also absorb ideas from our culture - what it means to be a girl or a boy, how bodies should look, ideas of what success looks like, etc.

Your Role as a Parent

As a parent, we have control over some of the factors that influence our kids, like the communities we live in or what social media influences we allow.

But there are also many influences that are outside our control, and some of these don’t align with what we want our kids to think and feel about themselves and others.

It’s your child’s job to find the pieces of their self-concept, choosing which thoughts to keep and which to throw away.

What can you do as a parent to guide them in the process?

Share your values with your kids, have conversations with them.
Practice thinking positive thoughts about your kids - things that you really want them to believe about themselves.
Speak those positive beliefs out loud to them - over and over again.

Your collection of thoughts about your child is the story they inherit. The more lovely and compelling it is, the more likely those are the thoughts they will pick up.

Believing that your kids are OK exactly as they are and believing that they are lovable, acceptable, and that they belong in society - even if they present in ways that go against social norms - has a HUGE impact on how kids think about themselves.

Listen to the full podcast episode for specific examples and some of my favorite tools to help you along the way.

You’ll Learn:

The 3 parts that make up a person’s self concept
My favorite exercise for thinking positive thoughts about your kids
How to “trick” your kids into thinking amazing things about themselves

When a kid feels good and has a positive self concept, they are much more likely to reach their academic potential.

That’s why I teach my clients how to emotionally coach their kids and help their kids develop a kick-ass self concept that has nothing to do with their external performance and everything to do with the collection of thoughts they have about themselves.

Join one of my coaching programs now and find out exactly how to support your kid’s self concept. https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/programs

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Make Mornings Easier Aug 25, 2022

With the start of a new school year, your morning routine may be a little rusty. You and your kids may kind of forget how mornings work, or you expect it to go really smoothly and it doesn't, or maybe you’ve never really had a consistent morning routine at all.

If you’re struggling to get your kid out the door on time without a lot of stress and conflict, this is the episode for you! I’m giving you really practical tools and strategies to help create more calm in your mornings.

I’ll walk you through a 3-step process to help you figure out what needs to get done, how much time it takes to get those things done, and when to do them.

After this episode, you’ll know exactly how to create your morning to-do list, estimate how long each task takes and work backwards to create a realistic timeline.

You’ll even figure out how to build in time for yourself, so you’re set up for a good day once the kids are out the door.

And if you notice that your to-do list is going to take much longer than you’d like…I’ve got tips for that, too.

Finally, we dive into the biggest secret of all…Being on time doesn’t actually matter all that much. You’re a great person and a great mom, even if your kids are late.

While getting to school on time is a good goal, it's not worth sacrificing your peace and your connection with your kids.

Things happen, and stress, worry (or full-on panic) and rushing around are not going to make your kids move faster. Most of the time, it just leads to more meltdowns and forgetfulness, which costs you even more time.

Peace and Harmony are always more important than stress and perfection.

Be kind to yourself as you build your new routine, Mama. You’ve got this!

You’ll Learn:

My 3-step process to make your mornings easier
5 strategies to simplify your morning routine
Tips for getting your sleepyhead out of bed and on the move
One tiny thing that saves my family a ton of time getting out the door
The only 3 things that actually matter in the morning

Links:

Get your free Morning Routine Roadmap: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/easy-morning

Episode 29: Back to School Shit Show: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/back-to-school-shit-show

Episode 4: Setting Limits That Work: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/setting-limits-that-work

Ready to get started creating your own morning routine? I’ve got you covered!

My free Ultimate Morning Routine Roadmap will help you build peaceful mornings, every day, so you can get your kids out the door...on time and without stress.

It includes the process and strategies I talked about in this episode, PLUS worksheets and templates for your morning to-do list, time log and timeline, so you have everything you need right at your fingertips.

You deserve a peaceful morning. Get the free guide now.

Back To School Shit Show Aug 18, 2022

In this episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind).

5 Things You Need To Know As School Starts

1 - Your kid may not like their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.

2 - Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.

3 - Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing.

4 - Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort.

5 - Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more big feelings cycles are likely to happen.

Remember, this is a transition, and transitions are temporary. Your family WILL figure this out. Listen to the full episode for the how-to and plenty of real-life examples to prepare for the weeks ahead.

You’ll Learn:

5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle them
Thoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transition
What your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school year
An exercise to help you prepare your mindset

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Emotional Coaching Your Kid Aug 11, 2022

I bet you’ve been here…

Your kid comes to you with a situation – there’s something happening they don’t like, maybe they’re having an issue with their teacher or a friend at school – and you respond with something like, “it’s not that big of a deal,” “you’re overreacting,” or “don’t worry about it, it’s gonna be fine.”

You may have the best of intentions and even say these things in a really sweet way in an attempt to soothe your child or give them a new perspective.

But instead your kid may end up feeling like you don’t understand them or care about their problem.

This type of response is called minimizing. We’re minimizing our kid’s problems, complaints or fears. We’re trying to skip over the negative emotion rather than supporting them through it.

The truth is we can’t skip over feelings. The way to get to the next emotion is to feel the one you’re in.

And once the feeling has been felt and moved through, you can help your child to shift their perspective. This is emotional coaching.

The tools you’ll learn in this episode will help your child feel that you actually see and understand them, and they will experience the empathy that you are offering to them. And I’m sharing lots of real-life examples to help you become your kid’s emotional coach.

You’ll Learn:

What it means to minimize your kid’s complaints and why it isn’t effective
What compassion looks like in these conversations
Why naming the emotion is so powerful
What to do when your child resists being coached or when you are not calm enough to be compassionate with them

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Dealing With Complaining Aug 04, 2022

There are times when your kids are going through something hard or they have something on their mind, and the way they process it is by talking to you - aka complaining.

They get stuck in their big feelings. They’re afraid that the discomfort they’re experiencing is going to last forever. So they take all those thoughts and feelings and dump them on you.

It’s like the big-kid version of a temper tantrum and it can go on and on…and on.

When it comes down to it, your child is just looking for support in moving through their negative emotions.

And sometimes this goes on for a long time. I share a story in the episode about a time I went through this with my son, and that night I was in a place to be patient and compassionate and stick it out with him. But that doesn’t always feel easy.

There are times you may need to calm yourself before you can show up with compassion. There are also times you may need to set a limit or boundary around the complaining when it gets to be too much.

In this episode, I walk you through three strategies for dealing with complaining: staying neutral, being compassionate and coaching your kid through their big feelings.

We’ll dive into all three of these with plenty of real-life examples, questions you can ask and my all-time favorite phrase for validating someone’s feelings.

You’ll Learn:

Why kids complain
3 strategies to deal with your kid’s complaining
What to do when you’re done and you really can’t talk about it in a compassionate way anymore
Two ways to coach your child through the situation they’re struggling with
Why changing their circumstance is usually not the best approach

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

My Kid Saw Someone Get Hit by a Bus Jul 28, 2022

In this episode you'll learn

How to care for your own emotional needs while being there for your kid
The tendencies parents have when their kids are suffering
The healthy way to support your kids through hard things

I’m sharing a story about something that happened with my son just this past week.

It’s still pretty fresh, but it was just so powerful and also a huge learning experience for me so I’m telling you about it now.

Last Friday night, my 16-year-old son was riding the public bus home from the mall when a woman walked in front of the bus on the freeway and was fatally struck.

When he told me this over the phone, my mind could not catch up to the words that I was hearing. I didn’t even know what questions to ask.

I’m sharing this story with you for a couple of reasons.

#1 is is that Being 100% calm isn’t the goal

You are a human being. Your nervous system is going to get activated in moments like this. You're going to feel stressed and scared and you're gonna have a lot of feelings.

The goal in these overwhelming moments is simply being as calm as your nervous system will allow. Which might look like a lot of sliding between calm and chaos in hard moments. And that’s ok.

I wasn’t a cool cucumber for every second of this. I was confused as I spoke with the highway patrol. I mixed up freeway exits. I felt panic at moments. I snapped at my husband.

I asked my son too many questions and second-guessed his actions. I listened to him and I also zoned out.

Perfection is not the goal. Being 100% calm isn’t the goal. The goal is to thread the needle between what you need and what your kid needs.

The real work is learning how to navigate the periods of time when we aren't calm. Remembering to catch yourself and reset when your fear makes you feel like controlling or avoiding or stuffing things down or checking out.

Modeling happens when things are hard. Be gentle with yourself and show your kids what taking excellent care of yourself really looks like.

#2 Your kids are going to go through hard things

Listen, Mamas. Your kids are going to go through hard things. No matter how “good” you are as a mom. It’s just life.

They will feel disappointment, sadness, fear, hurt, anger. These are totally normal, healthy, natural emotions.

But trauma does not have to turn into some sort of catastrophic, terrible thing. It only does when it gets shoved down.

Your role is to calm yourself as best you can and show up as a connected and compassionate witness of your child’s emotion.

It doesn't mean trying to change the emotion. All it means is just allowing for what actually is there. Be super curious about it, help them make sense of what happened to them, let them tell the story.

That's how healing happens. Things happen. We talk them through, we give words to the thoughts and the feelings that they are experiencing. Then we feel all the feelings and slowly the emotion shifts.

By modeling healthy ways to deal with stressors, you not only show up better for your kid, but you teach them those tools, too. You show your kids how to manage themselves when they have their own big emotions.

---

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Why Do I Still Get So Mad? The 3 Stages of Becoming Calm Jul 21, 2022

One thing moms struggle with is feeling bad about their progress in becoming calm and showing up calm with their kids. Whenever they have an mad mom episode and act in a way they don’t think they should, a lot of criticism, guilt, and doubt pours in.

They think they should know this already. They think they should be getting there faster.

What they don’t understand is that becoming calm is a PROCESS. It’s a PRACTICE. It’s something you work on over time. Some days it’s easy, and some days it isn’t. All all of that is ok.

I wanted to give you some real understanding of what it ACTUALLY looks like when you are changing your brain and the way you show up as a parent. The actual process of becoming calm – so you don’t feel so bad when you lose your shitola with your kids.

How To Calm Down

We all know we aren’t at our best when we’re stressed, overwhelmed and reactive. But knowing how to calm down in the moment isn’t always as easy as it sounds.

I’m walking you through my 3-step process to catch yourself, pause and get back to feeling calm.

Mom Stress

With summer in full swing, I’m sure you’ve had some really tough moments over the past few weeks. Moments when you’ve been stuck in what I call Mad Mom Syndrome

You know what I'm talking about.

Moments when your child is a bit off track and you get upset and all of a sudden you are yelling, threatening, and lecturing, followed by guilt and rushed apologies.
Moments you are worried that the behavior you see in the present is a predictor of the future, so you act super strict and controlling.
Moments when you are frustrated and say a snide or mean remark to your kid.

These types of moments are a clue that you are in your stress cycle and feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Your brain is convinced that the circumstance is an emergency. Then, the brain activates a BIG, INTENSE STRESS RESPONSE.

You become super reactive and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger.

Then they escalate their stress behaviors and the next thing you know you are in a chaotic argument with your kids.

How Do I Stop Reacting?

To get out of Mad Mom Syndrome and get back to feeling calm, you need the Pause Break. This is the thing you do when you feel yourself spiraling. You CATCH YOURSELF AND PAUSE.

There are three steps to the Pause Break:

Step 1: STOP

Don't Talk. Don't Engage. You can stop yourself at any point when you notice you are in your stress response and are seeing signs of Mad Mom Syndrome.

Step 2: DELAY

Don’t decide. Don’t act. Don't do anything about the situation (unless it’s a true emergency). Give yourself time to think and get calm.

Step 3: RESET

Actively do something to calm your stress response. During a "Reset", you will move your body, your mind or both.

When you’re first starting out, you may only catch yourself after you've yelled or gotten upset. After a while, you’ll catch yourself while you are yelling or acting upset. Eventually you start to catch yourself before you yell or act out your frustration/overwhelm.

Learning to pause is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself.

Pause is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this episode, I hope it’s this: You can always PAUSE.

You’ll Learn:

Why you become reactive and yell, threaten or ice your kid out
Three steps to pause and get back to calm
Clues you need a Pause Break
What to do after you’ve reacted in a way you don’t love

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

How To Stop Criticizing Your Child Jul 14, 2022

Ever find yourself criticizing your kid…and then feel really terrible about it? You’re not alone. Parenting is hard and there’s plenty to complain about. In this episode you’ll learn how to tell the difference between complaints and criticism and how (and why) to stop criticizing your child.

Let’s face it. Kids are really annoying. They don’t really think before they act. They don’t use a lot of logic to make decisions. They are reactive, emotional, and dramatic. They don’t manage their emotions well. They aren’t usually very tidy. They definitely like to play more than work. They don’t keep track of time or their belongings well.

Complaining about the annoying things your kid does is totally normal. What we want to look out for is when your complaining becomes criticism.

Complaints vs. Criticism

Complaining about a specific behavior or event can be productive in parenting. A complaint can help to highlight a problem, which then allows you to come up with a solution.

Criticism, on the other hand, can lead to powerlessness and overwhelm for you, a negative self-concept for your child and disconnection between the two of you.

Think about how you might respond to dirty dishes in the bedroom:

Complaint = I hate finding dirty dishes in the bedroom.

Criticism = You’re such a slob. There are always dirty dishes in here. So gross.

How To Stop Criticizing Your Child

Criticizing can become a pattern and a habit, so the first step is noticing when you are complaining or criticizing.

From there, you can identify the actual problem and set clear limits around it.

In this episode, I walk you through examples of HOW to do this, and I also share one of my very favorite tools for resetting your thoughts about your kids.

You’ll Learn:

The differences between a complaint and criticism
How your complaints can actually guide your parenting
3 steps to get out of the pattern of criticism

P.S. I’m so sick of mom-shaming. It’s a trap. Don’t fall into it. Everyone has moments when they think shitty thoughts about their kid. It's normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t a bad mom.

The problem is when those thoughts become a habit. If you are stuck in a negative thought spiral about your kid and can’t get yourself out of it, that’s what coaching is for. Join my parenting program and get practical parenting support, so you never get stuck again.

Join now.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

When You Lose Your Temper Jul 07, 2022

When you lose your temper with your kid, it doesn’t feel great. But it IS totally normal.

Perfection is not possible, in parenting especially. All parents lose their temper and speak or act harshly towards their kids from time to time.

In this episode, I’m sharing what’s really going on when you lose your temper and what to do after the dust settles.

Losing Your Temper

First, let’s get clear on one thing.

No one can make you angry. Not even your kid.

Anger is an emotion that comes from your thoughts about a situation or behavior.

And getting angry isn’t actually the problem.

What really matters is how you handle the moments when anger takes over and you lose your temper.

These moments are sometimes called “ruptures”, because they interrupt the connection between parent and child.

When you speak or act harshly towards your child, you create a negative impact and disconnection in your relationship.

How To Say Sorry To Your Kid

When you do lose your temper, it’s time to take responsibility for your actions and repair the rupture (in the same way we would guide our kids to take responsibility for the impacts of their behavior).

"Repair" is the conversation you have with your child in order to mend the disconnection between you.

These conversations teach your kids how to resolve conflict, empower them to make mistakes and repair them and create more emotional safety and connection in your home.

A repair conversation has three parts:

Acknowledge what happened
Recognize the impact your behavior had on them
Repair your mistake

And in between, you hold plenty of space for your child to process and respond.

I’ll walk you through these three parts in more detail and show you how to have a repair conversation with your kids that actually restores connection and strengthens your relationships.

There is no "right" outcome for these conversations. They can be awkward and don't always go smoothly. But, I promise, the benefits outweigh the discomfort.

Listen in to learn how so that you’ll be ready the next time you lose your cool.

You’ll Learn:

Unhealthy ways parents often handle a rupture
10 benefits of repair conversations for kids
How to lead a repair conversation with your child (and what to expect when you do)
Know what's even better than repairing a rupture after you lose your temper?
Losing your temper less in the first place.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

3 Things Kids Want From Their Parents Jun 30, 2022

What do your kids want from you?

We put a whole lot of pressure on ourselves as parents sometimes, when the things our kids really need from us are actually pretty simple.

Kids love to look at their parents and see DELIGHT in our eyes.

They want to feel they are the most important thing ever.

And I know you want to give that to them. But it’s easier said than done, right?

Sometimes it’s hard to feel those warm, fuzzy feelings toward your child.

When you don’t like your kid’s behavior and you are feeling resentful, angry, unheard, alone, discouraged, or irritated, it can be really hard to feel empathy.

In this episode, we’re talking about how to clear up those feelings so that you can feel (and show) love, compassion and delight for your kids.

The Practice of DELIGHT

I once heard a coach say that disappointment is the opposite of delight. And I can see how that could be true.

If I am thinking of all the ways that my children disappoint me - all the ways they don’t measure up to some sort of standard that either society has said or I’ve created in my mind – I will be cultivating disappointment in them.

And that will be the energy that we exchange between us.

Yuck.

Why not choose to think great thoughts about your kids? What is the harm in delighting in them? None! It only makes things better.

You get to decide how you think about your kids.

I call this "The Practice of Delight", and it is truly a practice. A discipline of thoughts. You’ll learn the whole process, step by step, in this episode.

Listen in to hear more about how to give your kids what they really want and create more joy, peace and connection in your home.

You’ll Learn:

3 things your kids want to hear from you
How to create your own “Practice of Delight”
How to incorporate delight into key moments of your day
Simple questions to help you shift into a more joyful mindset

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Avoid Summer Burnout Jun 23, 2022

Let’s face it. Summer is great. And it’s a lot.

A lot of time with kids. Traveling. Extra meal prep. Day trips with snack bags. Feeling like there’s not enough time to get work done. Long days. Late nights. Sibling fights. Loneliness.

You’re going to need a plan to enjoy the season - and avoid burnout.

SUMMER BURNOUT

Summer Burnout is a real thing. So many decisions to make. So many mental demands. So much emotional labor.

When you don’t have time to re-charge, you are going to be more reactive and less patient.

To show up as a calm mama this summer, you are going to need time alone. Your body, heart and mind will all need a break.

TAKE A BREAK

How would you feel if you had a few hours “off” each week where you reset your body, heart, and mind? Who would you be? What would change in your life if you felt less burned out? Less exhausted? Less overwhelmed?

My guess? You’ll come back feeling better and more calm. Feeling rested will improve your relationships, make you more effective at work and bring more peace and joy to your home.

It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s not something you earn. It’s not something you have to prove you need.

Taking care of yourself is vital to being a human. It’s vital to being a woman. It’s vital to being a mom.

In this episode, I’m teaching you how to plan for breaks and self care - in a way that ensures they actually happen!

I call it the Calm Mama Break, and we’re going step-by-step through creating your personal plan.

We’re also talking about how to fit “mini-breaks” into your daily rhythms.

When you decide that taking care of yourself this summer and avoiding burnout is a PRIORITY - you will be creative and find a way to make it happen! And I’m here to help you do it.

Listen now for all the details.

You’ll Learn:

Why burnout happens
Signs that you are approaching burnout
The benefits of taking a break
How to plan your Calm Mama Break

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Why Your Kid Doesn’t Listen Jun 16, 2022

Tired of repeating yourself over and over…and over? Can’t figure out why your child doesn’t listen? This is the episode for you!

I’m talking about why it's not effective to repeat yourself, why you do it anyway and how you’re using it as a way to rescue your kids (and yourself) from negative consequences.

Because repeating yourself and reminding your kids over and over again isn’t just infuriating - it actually prevents them from developing responsibility.

Your kids don’t listen to you when you tell them what to do because you haven’t trained them that it’s in their best interest to listen to you.

You haven’t shown them the impacts of their decisions, so they aren’t learning how to make better choices.

This is totally normal, and it makes sense. You want to protect your kid. You don’t want them to fail.

But protecting them in the short-term also means that they aren’t learning the bigger lessons that will serve them in the long-term.

What’s the alternative? Teach your kids to THINK . Make decisions. And then experience the impact of those decisions.

Being cold because they forgot a jacket, getting a low grade because they forgot to turn in an assignment, having to sell a toy or game to pay for a lost coat, that's how kids learn responsibility.

Kids who are rescued from those impacts don't build resilience.

Kids become resilient when they fail, and are taught how to fix their mistakes.

In a results based model of parenting like I teach, you lay out the expectations, tell your child what might happen based on their choice and then let them choose.

Inside my parenting programs, I give you everything you need to set limits, connect behaviors with the impacts they cause and guide your children through fixing their own mistakes.

What stands in the way of teaching kids responsibility is when parents rescue their kid from experiencing the consequences (aka results) of their actions.

Repeating your rules and limits in order to prevent the consequence is rescuing.
Repeating yourself and reminding your kids of your limits and consequences is rescuing.
Resolving your kids' conflicts for them is rescuing. (This includes apologizing on their behalf.)
Reminding your kids to do things so they don't forget is rescuing.
Giving in/negotiating so your kid doesn't have to 'suffer' the results of their actions is rescuing.

Repeating yourself and reminding your kids of the limits you've set and the consequences that might happen if they don't listen is RESCUING.

The bummer is that kids learn responsibility by being irresponsible.

What I notice with parents is that we often get mad about our kids' irresponsibility, while at the same time rescuing them.

We say things like "When are you going to learn to put your clothes in the hamper?" while we gather up the clothes and do their laundry.

We say "when are you going to learn how to get up on time for school?" as we remind and nag them to get up.

"When are you going to stop losing your jacket?" as we pay for another one.

Unfortunately lectures with a little shame sprinkle don’t teach kids to think before they act and develop responsibility.

When you go back on your own rule or limit, you are either rescuing your kid from the consequence OR you are rescuing yourself from dealing with your kid's protest about the consequence.

Repeating yourself and reminding your kids of your limits and the consequences is a form of rescuing. You are reminding them because you don't want them to fail.

Giving in and going back on your own limit is also rescuing your kid from experiencing the consequence.

When you find yourself going back on a rule, limit, or routine check-in with yourself and ask "What am I preventing or avoiding? Why am I choosing to give in?"

Instead of repeating yourself over and over and randomly making threats of loss of sweets, screens, stories or playdates, why not let your kids make a mistake and learn from it?

Rescuing is often about rescuing ourselves from feeling uncomfortable with someone else's discomfort. It's a little selfish really.

Rescuing also communicates the message of "I don't trust you and your ability to figure this out and walk through this pain and come out on the other side."

Are you rescuing? If yes, why do you think you are?

Are you uncomfortable with your child's discomfort? Do you make it mean that you're a bad mom?
Are you afraid a mistake today will be a bigger problem later?
Are you over-stressed and can't handle the inconvenience of your child's mistakes?
Are you worried you will be judged by other moms if your kid fails, or makes a mistake?

What are some GOOD things that could happen if you let your kid struggle and fail a bit more?

What's the worst that can happen? A little crying and protest.

What the best that can happen? A kid who learns to think before they act and can overcome disappointment and failure.

Listen to the full episode for specific examples, lots of practical tips and ways to support yourself through uncomfortable learning experiences.

You’ll Learn:

The commonly-used consequences that don’t really work
The actual goal of parenting (and it isn’t just doing what you say)
The ways you might be rescuing your kid (or yourself) from experiencing the true consequences of their actions
How to notice if you’re rescuing your kid and what to do instead

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Stress Free Summer Mindset Jun 09, 2022

To have a stress-free summer (or at least something close to it), you’ve got to create the right mindset. And that’s exactly what I’m teaching you to do in this episode of the Become A Calm Mama podcast.

Zero stress obviously isn’t possible because in life there are so many little stressors happening all the time.

I’m walking you through how to reset stressful moments when they pop up so you can get back to creating the summer experiences that you really want to have.

It’s so easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole of overwhelm, burnout, anger, frustration and other negative emotions that can build up in moms over the summer.

This is NOT what I want for you!

I’m going to teach you really practical tools, so that you can figure out what it is that you want to create this summer, and then what to do when things go sideways.

And because we know that feelings are what drive memories (and we want your memories to come from happy, loving feelings - not anger and frustration), we’re diving into what feelings you want to create and how to do it.

We also have some fun talking about how to create your summer bucket list and design your ideal summer day.

This can be the summer that you feel good, actually enjoy the extra time with your kids and create some incredible memories.

You’ll Learn:

How to design an ideal summer day
How to create your summer bucket list
5 new thoughts to practice this summer
How to shift out of a grumpy mood

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

How To Raise An Adult: An Interview With My Son On His 18th Birthday Jun 02, 2022

It’s easy to look at a sweet little baby and completely forget that that they’re going to grow up one day. That you are actually figuring out how to raise an adult.

Stages of parenting

When your kid is really little, there are so many things you can’t imagine them doing. Like walking, sleeping through the night, feeding themselves, being out of diapers, starting kindergarten.

Then when they are in elementary school you can’t imagine them being a teenager, driving, having a first kiss, graduating from high school or turning 18.

It all feels so far away and impossible. Then by the time they do those things, it all seems normal.

That’s kind of how I feel about having an 18 year old. I couldn’t imagine ever getting here, and now that I’m here it all seems normal. (Well almost normal. I mean, I definitely have moments when I’m like “Wait, What? How did we get here?”)

On today’s episode I’m interviewing my 18-year old son, Lincoln Childress. You will love getting to know Lincoln because he is honest, insightful, and also dishes out some dirt.

How to raise an adult

Turning 18 means being on the cusp of adulthood. Still close enough to your childhood experiences that they are tangible, while also reaching forward to an unknown future.

During this episode Lincoln talks about what it was like being a kid, his struggles and the things he’s grateful for. He shares what his dad and I did right, and what we don’t understand about him. We get into sibling stuff, and also the pressure he feels at this milestone.

Our conversation is filled with honesty, connection, and laughter. It will give you new insight into childhood and you’ll see the benefits of emotional coaching in real time.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Why Siblings Fight & What To Do About It May 26, 2022

Ever wonder why siblings fight (like all the time)? And more importantly, what to do about it?

Sibling fighting can be arguing, physically fighting, saying mean things to each other, shouting or bickering - any of that.

We’re getting into it in this episode, and you might be surprised to learn that a lot of the “problem” isn’t even about the fight. It’s about how your kids’ fighting makes you feel and what you make it mean.

Why Siblings Fight

While it may be unpleasant and stressful for you as a parent, Sibling conflict is TOTALLY NORMAL. In fact, it’s actually healthy. Sibling relationships are one of the safest relationships to try out different things to see how relationships work.

I’m going through the top 5 reasons kids fight so you can start to see some patterns with your own kids.

The biggest culprits? Boredom, big feelings, resentment, habit…and boredom again.

How to Handle Sibling Conflict

So what do you do when things start to escalate?

Our focus here is not just on the interaction happening between your kids, but how YOU interact with your kids when they fight.

When you intervene and solve the conflict for your kids, they are not learning how to think and solve conflicts on their own. So fighting becomes an easy way for them to get attention, entertainment and release their big feelings.

When you guide your children to think and solve their problems, fighting becomes something that requires effort FOR THEM.

I’ll walk you through exactly what I mean and how you can show up as a guide (rather than a judge or referee) for your kids.

You’ll Learn:

One simple question to uncover your true thoughts about sibling conflict
The top five reasons kids fight
Your role in handling conflict between kids
What to do and say when your kids are fighting

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

10 Things to Make Parenting Easier May 19, 2022

10 years ago this May, I taught my first parenting class. TEN YEARS AGO! In this episode I’m sharing reflections and 10 observations to make parenting easier.

Celebrating 10 Years

Over the last decade, I’ve privately coached over 200 moms, taught over 500 hours of group classes to more than 1000 parents. I’ve written 4 parenting handbooks, at least 700 emails, thousands of social media posts and gave away over 20 different free parenting toolkits.

It’s been SO much fun!

I've learned A LOT about parenting, kids, mothers, families and the experience of motherhood and have done my best to create simple concepts, tools and scripts to help moms and dads create more peace and connection in their families without resorting to anger, threats and lectures.

This milestone has brought up a lot of memories, and I’m sharing the highs and lows with you today - including reading some passages from my journals in 2008 and 2009 - when I was feeling so lost as a mom.

3 years after opening up to a friend about my anger and fear and attending my very first parenting workshop, I wrote:

“Nothing is perfect. But there is peace and love in our home. I am a different person because of all I’ve gone through with Lincoln and learned in the process. I have come through the trenches and have a great foundation. And now I teach parenting classes!”

This is how I still feel today. In awe that I’ve created the peaceful home I deeply desire, healed myself along the way, and have the privilege of sharing what I’ve learned with you.

You and I Are Alike

We both love our kids and want to show up for our kids with kindness, compassion, confidence and a deep inner calm.

We both want our kids to be respectful and make good choices. and we both feel terrible when we yell or shame them into obedience.

We want really good relationships with our kids and we are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

10 Observations to Make Parenting Easier

To help you take the first (or next steps) in your parenting journey, I've gathered 10 tried-and-true rules to live by in parenting.

If you practice these 10 things in your family, you will 100% have less yelling, more listening, more peace and feel a lot more calm.

And it won’t take 10 years to see these results! It’s almost instant!

Listen in to hear them all.

You’ll Learn:

What it was REALLY like for me when my kids were younger
The parenting goals I set for myself (and the fears that kept coming up)
10 of my favorite observations about parenting

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

When Kids Are Bored May 12, 2022

Hearing kids say "Mom, I'm bored" might be the most annoying phrase of all time. In this episode of the Become a Calm Mama podcast, I’m sharing what to do (and what not to do) when kids are bored.

What do you usually say after your kid says “I’m bored”?

I’m guessing you offer a bunch of suggestions and say "Why don't you do [blank]?"

Of course, your kid rejects them...and the cycle of them complaining, you problem solving and them not liking your ideas continues until you get mad and cut them off or just give in to screen time.

If this happens to you, you are not alone in this struggle.

The good news? Boredom is temporary, and it can even be a good thing!

Benefits of Boredom

Boredom is simply a gap between activities, but it feels super UNCOMFORTABLE for your kid.

This gap (which I call the boredom gap) is also where your child's growth happens.

Among other things, boredom:

Encourages imagination and creativity
Boredom teaches 'grit'
Boredom develops problem-solving skills

Your job is not to solve the problem for them, but to support them as they figure it out on their own.

A Word About Screen Time

Let’s face it: Screens are super entertaining.

It's a really easy way to satisfy the brain's need for fun, novelty, connection and distraction - and get rid of that uncomfortable bored feeling.

Screens by themselves are not a problem. The problem is our reliance on technology for stimulation, entertainment and quick-hits.

It’s hard for kids to shift away from easy entertainment, and they will resist your limits.

But there are ways you can help re-train their brains to move through the screen cravings and relentless protest to creative exploration - more quickly and easily.

You’ll Learn:

Why boredom is actually important for your child’s development
What your job is when your kid is bored
How to handle “the boredom gap”
How to deal with your kid’s resistance to screen time limits

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

How to Enjoy Mother's Day May 05, 2022

Mother's Day has a way of ending up the OPPOSITE of ideal for most moms.

A lot of times moms spend Mother's Day cleaning up the kitchen after a messy breakfast in bed, followed by a lunch that's focused on their mother or mother-in-law, and then capped off by a rushed take-out dinner with all the regular bedtime routine shenanigans.

It’s time to take back Mother’s Day!

I’m just going to say it - Mother’s Day is FOR moms!

I want to help you design a Mother’s Day that actually feels good to you.

One where you get what you truly want from the day.

How do you get what you want on Mother’s Day?

Usually, two things keep moms from creating their ideal day: guilt and not asking for what they want.

I’m sharing tips to get past them both.

You also need to get clear on what your ideal day looks like and make a plan for it.

This will look very different based on your daily life, family structure and what feels right to you.

I also know that some of us are sitting with feelings of grief and loss on Mother’s Day. If this is you, give yourself a little tenderness and consider this when designing your day.

This Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.

And I’m wishing you YOUR most ideal Mother’s Day yet.

You’ll Learn:

Steps for creating your ideal Mother’s Day
How to process the “Mother’s Day Hangover” of disappointment, resentment or sadness on Monday morning

Previous Episodes Mentioned:

Episode 9: Pause and Reset Your Emotions

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Dealing with a Grumpy Mood Apr 28, 2022

A grumpy mood is totally normal - for you, your kid, and sometimes everyone at once!

In this episode of Become a Calm Mama, I’m giving you a few strategies for handling moments when you’re dealing with a grumpy kid, grumpy parents or when the whole family is in a grumpy mood.

When You Have a Grumpy Kid

Your kid is entitled to their moods.

It’s actually their job to learn how to manage their own thoughts and feelings.

Pain, discomfort, and grumpiness are inevitable. It's not the avoidance of pain that is the goal...it's the work of processing emotional pain that we want to help our kids with.

Don’t try to fix it. Just observe. Be their compassionate witness. It’s just a moment. Let it be what it is and wait for it to pass.

When There are Grumpy Parents

Just as it’s normal for your kids to be grumpy, it’s also normal for you.

You can just be grumpy and you don’t have to actually do anything about it (but you can if you want to).

I’ll walk you step-by-step through my process for shifting into a better mood.

When Everyone is Grumpy

Ever planned a "really fun" thing for you and your kids and it turns into tears, fights and disappointment?

Grumpy moods, sibling fights and stressed parents can make even the most fun activities feel terrible.

If no one is “feeling it” and you push through anyway, you might end up feeling more angry than if you would have stopped earlier.

When you decide on an activity or event, be flexible. Forcing something or continuing to do an activity even when everyone is “done” will leave you all feeling frustrated.

You'll Learn:

How not to let your kid ruin your mood
How to support your grumpy kid
How to use my Connection Tool to shift your own mood
How you can plan family activities and outings to accommodate moods and avoid disappointment

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

When Your Child is Aggressive: The “Hard No” Apr 21, 2022

When your child is being aggressive, it can be hard to know what to do.

In this episode of the Become A Calm Mama podcast, I’m teaching you how to keep your family safe when your kid is hitting, breaking things or calling names.

A foundational principle I teach is this: EVERYONE STAYS SAFE in your house.

That means the bodies and hearts of the people in your house don’t get hurt. By you. By their siblings. It also means YOU don’t get hurt either.

What to do if your kid is hitting

I'm often asked "What do I do if my kids are physically hurting each other??"

Kids hurting other kids (or you) is a behavior that can feel really overwhelming. And it can trigger a lot of stress for you.

The "hard no" is the perfect strategy for those kinds of tricky parenting moments.

It is a firm communication that your child’s feeling is ok but hurting others isn’t.

If your kid is hitting another kid or won’t stop hitting you, the “hard no” is how you stop them. I’ll walk you through what to say and do in the moment, including what to do if they don’t stop right away.

If your kid is name calling

Words can hurt, too. So, the “hard no” is also perfect for times when your child is insulting or threatening others (including you).

Name calling is a strategy they are using to communicate and cope with their feelings.

But if they are using hurtful or violent language or cursing, you will want to do a “hard no.”

A “hard no” doesn’t need to be harsh. You don’t have to be angry or activated to do a “hard no”.

Instead, put your focus on keeping everyone safe and calming yourself. Then, you can try to help your kid regulate their emotions and find safer ways to cope.

Listen to the full episode now for real-life examples and scripts you can use with your own kids.

You’ll Learn:

How to use the “hard no” - and exactly what you can say in some common situations
What parents usually do instead (and why it doesn’t work)
What your kid really needs from you in these moments - it’s not another lecture

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Post Pandemic Parenting: Is Your Kid OK? Apr 14, 2022

Whether we’re technically post pandemic or not at this point, we can all agree that parenting has some additional challenges now - especially when you’re not sure if your kid is OK.

Our kids are out and about in the world, quarantine is over, schools are open, mask requirements are ending, and sports and other activities are a thing again.

But getting “back to normal” isn’t that simple.

In this episode, I’m talking about the after-effects of quarantine on kids, the worries and frustrations parents are having and giving you some strategies to cope.

Parenting in a pandemic

Among other things, quarantine had a big effect on our kids’ development.

Think of child development like a train on a track, chugging along toward adulthood.

But in March 2020, all the trains stopped. And kids got out at whatever station they were nearest to.

Your child’s development and growth continued - but in isolation. They weren’t developing in community with others.

When school, sports and other activities started up again, kids got back on the developmental train, but they’d been propelled forward, passing stations along the way.

The catching up they’re doing now creates a lot of stress.

Post pandemic life

Stress shows up in our kids in a lot of different ways.

And their stress creates a stress response in parents, too.

When you feel worried, overwhelmed and uncertain about how to help your child, you may find yourself signing them up for all the things, pushing them harder and trying to get them back on track.

Without realizing it, you’re putting even more pressure on your kids.

Listen to the full episode now to for ideas on how to support your child through this new stage.

You’ll Learn:

What stress looks like in kids
What your kid actually needs from you right now
How to offer activities and opportunities without overdoing it
What to say when your child is feeling stressed

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Pause & Reset Your Mind Apr 07, 2022

Today we are talking about how to pause & reset your MIND and what I like to call “mama mind drama”.

When I talk about resetting your mind, what I mean is that you’ll move from default negative thoughts to intentional positive thoughts.

And this shift will change the way you show up and respond to your child.

It's not your kid's behavior that is driving you crazy.

It's your thoughts about your kid's behavior that are driving you crazy.

It's what you are making that behavior mean.

When you think thoughts like…

My kid doesn’t have the right to be this mad. He/She/They are the one who did the wrong thing in the first place.

They should know better.

If I was a better mom my kid would be happier and better behaved. This is my fault.

I can’t handle anything right now because I have so much pressure on me and I can’t ever get a break.

I must deal with this behavior right now or else it's going to get worse.

My kid will never learn.

You’ll notice feelings of anger, resentment, fear and overwhelm come up.

When your thoughts about a situation or behavior are negative, your stress response is WAY more likely to kick in.

Once stress juice takes over, you find yourself yelling and doing all the mom things you don’t like.

If you want to feel calm, peace, confidence, and compassion, you’ve got to choose thoughts that help you feel that way.

And in this episode, I’m teaching you how to do it!

You’ll Learn:

How your thoughts affect how you show up as a mom
What default thoughts are and how to shift your thoughts so you change your behavior
How to move through the stress response
My favorite thoughts that you can borrow when you need a reset
Real life examples for kids of all ages

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Pause & Reset Your Emotions Mar 31, 2022

Today we are talking about something that might not seem related to parenting. Your feelings. Specifically, how to pause & reset your emotions.

One of the goals of Calm Mama Parenting is practicing compassion with your kids and teaching them what to do with their feelings. But first, of course, you have to know what to do with yours!

I define Emotional Literacy as:

You know what you’re feeling
You know how to talk about those feelings
You know what to do with those feelings

Most adults have no idea what to do with fear, sadness or anger. They stuff the feelings down and bury them under scrolling, binge watching, glasses of wine and gossip.

The most important thing you can do as a mom is process and manage your own emotions.

Because the more emotionally literate you are, the more emotionally literate your children will become.

And if you teach your kids what to do with their feelings, then when they grow up they won’t have to do destructive things with their feelings (like drugs, porn, over eating, over working, excessive shopping, over dieting, etc).

I think of this as healing the next generation in advance.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through what is really going on behind your feelings, a simple process to work through negative emotions and a personal example of what this looks like in real life.

You’ll Learn:

The 2 emotions I see parents struggle with the most
What happens when you “stuff” your feelings down (and clues to look for when you’re doing it)
3 simple steps to process a negative emotion so you can move through it

Also mentioned in this episode:

Episode 8: Pause & Reset Your Body

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Pause & Reset Your Body Mar 24, 2022

In this episode, I'm' talking about how (and why) to pause & reset your body when you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed. And why it's so important!

I’m sure you’ve had some really tough moments over the past few weeks. Moments when you’ve been stuck in what I call Mad Mom Syndrome.

You know what I'm talking about -

Moments when your child is a bit off track and you get upset and all of a sudden you are yelling, threatening and lecturing…followed by guilt and rushed apologies.
Moments you are worried that the behavior you see in the present is a predictor of the future and you act super strict and controlling.
Moments when you are frustrated and say a snide or mean remark to your kid.

Those types of moments are a clue that you are in your stress cycle and feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

You become super reactive and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger.

The rage kicks in, your body takes over and you do all sorts of yelling.

Or, instead of exploding, you implode and check out with a cold icy stare at your kid.

When this surge of stress juice ends, you start to feel calmer and think more clearly…

But if you showed up as a 'mad mom', you probably also end up feeling bad and beating yourself up for not being calm.

Today I’m helping you understand why this happens in the first place and what you can do to reset when you feel the stress starting to take over.

You'll Learn:

Why ‘mad mom’ moments really happen (it’s not just about your kid’s behavior)
The one tool you need to shift from stressed and reactive to CALM
The benefits of taking a Pause Break
Why you need to move your body to quiet your mind
Practical actions you can take to reset your body quickly, in the moment
What to say to your kids when you lose your cool

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Tantrums, Meltdowns and Outbursts At Every Age Mar 17, 2022

In this episode, I'm talking all about tantrums, meltdowns and outbursts (at every age)!

I call these Big Feeling Cycles.

By the end of this episode you will know why they happen, and how to handle them without losing your mind.

Typical parenting strategies that focus on stopping the behavior don’t address the root of the problem. Lectures, timeouts, taking away privileges, etc., don’t give your kid the actual tools and skills they need to process their emotions.

The strategies you learn today will bring better connection in your relationship with your kid AND give your kid better tools to manage their emotions.

Managing a BIG FEELING CYCLE means drawing attention to the emotion that might be triggering that behavior.

Your job is not to FIX anything. Nothing has gone wrong. Your job is to be a compassionate witness.

Listen to the full episode to learn shifts and strategies you can use to support your child through their feelings - and help those Big Feeling Cycles run their course more quickly.

You’ll Learn:

When and why Big Feeling Cycles happen
Why they can be so hard to handle as a parent
How to use “The Hard No” to keep everyone safe when behavior is really out of bounds
A simple thought to help you ride out the next Big Feeling Cycle
How to find clues inside a Big Feeling Cycle so that your child can move through the next one faster

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

The #1 Reason Misbehavior is Hard for Parents Mar 10, 2022

Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents.

Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell.

You’ve probably thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!”

And maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict.

Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm.

The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior.

In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming.

Surprise! It all starts in your brain.

As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response.

Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety.

It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you.

It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away.

And that can make it hard to remain calm.

But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation.

You’ll Learn:

Why misbehavior often feels like an emergency (even though it’s usually not)
How to recognize your body’s stress response and be aware of your reactions
Different ways to think about misbehavior - and prevent your stress response from kicking in
Simple steps to use limits and rules to effectively manage behavior

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Rethinking Consequences Mar 03, 2022

In this episode we’re diving into step 4 of the Calm Mama Process - CORRECT. We’re rethinking consequences and learning how to use them effectively.

I covered the first 3 steps of the Calm Mama Process in previous podcast episodes. If you missed them, be sure to go back and listen.

Step 1: CALM

Step 2: CONNECT

Step 3: LIMIT SET

We all want our kids to become thoughtful and responsible humans.

Kids who can think for themselves, make decisions that don't harm themselves or others, and take personal responsibility for their actions.

The way kids learn these things is by EXPERIENCING the impact of their choices.

In the Calm Mama Process, we use consequences to teach our kids that when you have a behavior, it's going to create a result.

Effective consequences teach your kids to think without having them experience pain, shame or disconnection.

To do that, we need to start out by thinking like our kids:

They don’t think about the future and are very in the moment.
They don’t really understand cause and effect.
They don’t want to stop what they’re doing or wait for what they want.
And they don’t really know how to think about other people’s feelings yet.

This is simply the journey of childhood. It doesn’t mean anything about your child or who they will grow up to be.

We understand that feelings drive behavior, and we use Connection to help our kids learn strategies to communicate and cope with their big feelings.

So we don’t shame our kids for their feelings or even judge their behavior.

Instead, what we do is help our child see the connection between their behavior and the impacts of the behavior.

Even though we have compassion for their feelings, it doesn't mean they're excused from the result of their actions.

So when your kid has an action that creates a problem for someone else, they have to fix it. Restore what was damaged.

With CORRECT, you give your child the opportunity (in a loving, logical way) to repair, restore or resolve the impact of their actions.

You’ll Learn:

The difference between consequences and punishment
Why lectures and time outs aren’t working
The 3 types of impact a behavior can have - and how to respond to each of them
How to hold your kid accountable without shaming or disconnection
Simple questions you can ask yourself to create effective consequences

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Setting Limits That Work Feb 24, 2022

Have you been looking for the magic formula to get your kids to listen? In this episode, we’re walking through step 3 of the Calm Mama Process - LIMIT SETTING. This is going to be different than anything you’ve heard before. You’ll learn all about setting limits that actually work.

In past episodes, I talked about the first 2 steps of the Calm Mama Process. If you missed them, be sure to go back and listen.

Step 1: CALM

Step 2: CONNECT

Now, let’s get into it.

For years I went to parenting workshops trying to discover the secret limit-setting formula.

I always left disappointed.

Most of those parenting programs taught that limits are when we firmly state what we want our child to do. That was it. That was their secret, magic formula.

So I'd go home and try their formula. I'd say "brush your teeth, kids" in a very sweet voice. And they would ignore me.

I'd say it again a little more firmly, "It's time to brush your teeth." Still no action.

I'd repeat myself for a third time, "Brush your teeth NOW." And this time they might look at me but still continue playing.

That's when I could feel myself getting angry and my tone would get harsh. I'd say, "Brush. Your. Teeth. Now." And my teeth would clench, eyes glaring. Sometimes this squinty-eye/harsh tone thing would work; sometimes not.

By the FIFTH time, I would yell and say, "Brush your teeth right now or I will not read books to you tonight!" And this would typically get them moving.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Listen to the full episode to learn my limit-setting formula, so you can stop repeating yourself 5x and using commands and threats. I'm giving you lots of real-life examples so you can start practicing with your kids today.

You’ll Learn:

How commands, threats and limits are not the same thing
Why threats don’t work
How your kid’s brain is set up to ignore you
My limit setting formula (with real examples)

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Connection is Key to Improving Behavior Feb 17, 2022

Connection is THE key to improving your child’s behavior. So, in today’s episode we are talking about the CONNECT step of the Calm Mama Process.

Note: This is the 2nd step in the Process. If you missed last week’s episode on getting to CALM, go back to listen now.

If you’ve ever wanted to help your kids manage their emotions by “using their words” then you will love this episode.

I’m teaching you how to teach your kids to ‘use their words’ by giving them the words they need to express their big feelings.

If you take nothing else away from this episode, I want you to hear this:

Feelings drive behavior.

All behavior is a result of thoughts and feelings, including your children's misbehavior.

Whatever your child is doing, they're behaving that way because of how they're feeling about their circumstances.

Not because they are bad.

Kids misbehave when they aren't feeling great.

When kids don't know what to do with their feelings, they show up in ways that don't work (hitting, shouting, complaining, whining, name-calling, refusal, ignoring, etc).

So, If you want to change misbehavior, you need to help your child understand what they are feeling and help them learn how to express those feelings in ways that work.

As the parent, you are responsible for developing your child’s social and emotional skills, just as much as you are responsible for developing their cognitive skills.

In fact, I think the greater responsibility of parents is to develop the social and emotional skills, because the greater those skills the more likely your child will have future success.

Parenting through connection is revolutionary. It’s NOT doing it “the way it’s always been done”.

When you get the side-eye from your mother in law, or your dad makes that “we never let you kids talk like that” comment, just remember you’re practicing the “feelings first” model. Remind yourself that you’re part of a new generation of parents. You are part of a revolution!

You’ll Learn:

Why the “behavior first” model of parenting we were raised with doesn’t address the root of the problem
What a “feelings first” model looks like
Why curiosity is such a powerful parenting tool
How “feelings first” is not the same as “feelings only”

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Getting to Calm with The Pause Break Feb 10, 2022

In this episode I’m sharing with you my definition of CALM and giving you my go-to strategy for getting to calm using a tool I call The Pause Break.

The Pause Break allows you to access calm, even in the middle of a moment when you feel overwhelmed or angry.

Before we get to that, let’s talk about what the absence of calm looks like.

I know you’ve been there, and so have I.

Showing up when you aren’t feeling calm looks a little different for everyone, but you might find yourself:

yelling
saying mean things
making threats
rescuing
bribing
being rough with your kid's body
giving in to your kid's demands
feeling exhausted
lecturing
talking a lot
shutting down
not following through on consequences
not taking care of yourself
sleeping poorly
grumpiness that you can't shake
escalating things when your kid gets upset
shutting your kid down

…generally acting in ways you don’t love.

When you have a mad mom episode, it’s easy to beat yourself up and tell yourself things like I’m a bad mom or I’m messing up my kids. Which makes you feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated and confused.

The more negative thoughts you have, the more defeated, discouraged, and guilty you will feel. And when you feel bad, it’s hard to change your behavior.

So you end up yelling again.

I call this Mad Mom Syndrome, and it is a vicious cycle of negative thoughts leading to negative feelings leading to negative actions and then back again.

So how do you break that cycle?

That’s what we’re diving into for these 30 minutes.

The Pause Break is the single most important tool I teach. It is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs.

If you only take one thing away from this podcast episode, I hope it’s this: You can always take a PAUSE BREAK. It’s the first, and most important, step towards CALM.

Listen to the full episode now for all the details.

You’ll Learn:

Why Mad Mom Syndrome happens
Why your kid’s behavior triggers such strong feelings
How your stress response influences your actions
The 3 simple steps of The Pause Break that you can do anytime, anywhere

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

My Story of Becoming a Calm Mama Feb 03, 2022

Welcome to the “Become a Calm Mama” podcast!!! In this first episode I’m sharing my own story of becoming a Calm Mama.

Let me just start by telling you that I wasn’t always a calm mama. In fact I was the opposite of that. I was a MAD MAMA.

There was a time in my parenting when I yelled with such fervor that spittle shot from my mouth.

Quiet afternoons replaced with anger-filled threats. Boys sent to their rooms with an edge in my voice that pierced their hearts with fear. Icy stares. Cold shoulders. No goodnight kisses.

This was especially true when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers.

One night, while tucking my 4-year-old son in bed, I gently said to him, “I love you so much.” And he replied, “I know you do, but I just don’t think you like me very much.”

My heart broke into a million pieces.

It was at that moment that I knew I needed to find a new way to parent.

These are hard moments to talk about. But they are true and real and normal.

I’m getting real in this episode because I want you to know that I’ve been where you are and that peace in your home is possible.

Listen now to hear the full story.

You’ll Learn:

Where I started my Calm Mama journey
The process I followed to create the peaceful home I have now
A sneak peek at what we’re going to talk about over the next couple of episodes

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Want to connect?

Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
Book a free consultation session

Become A Calm Mama Podcast Premieres Thursday February 3, 2022 Jan 21, 2022

Become a Calm Mama is a parenting podcast where you learn practical parenting tools and strategies so you can stop yelling, feel more calm, and show up as the mom you want to be.

Darlynn is the top parenting coach for moms who want to know exactly how to handle misbehavior without yelling or lecturing and create a peaceful home. Darlynn is known for her practical strategies and a down to earth understanding of what it’s really like to be a mom raising kids in the 21st century.

Over the past 14 years, Darlynn has dedicated her life to becoming the mom she wanted to be for my kids. In that process, she created a parenting model called “The Calm Mama Process” that helped her navigate every tricky parenting moment that’s been thrown her way. From hitting to bullying, from toddler meltdowns to teenage shenanigans, from missing assignments to college admissions, from getting kids to bed to getting kids out of bed, from kids not wanting to get out of the bath to middle schoolers that don’t want to take a shower, from kids fighting in the car to kids who drive their own car, she’s seen it all.

Darlynn has taught her model to hundreds of moms since 2015 and when they apply the Calm Mama Process to their tricky parenting moments they have calm and peace in their homes. Their kids' behavior improves, their relationship with their children gets so much better, and they enjoy motherhood (most of the time!).

Darlynn teaches her process inside her coaching program, Calm Mama School, a lifetime membership program where you learn how to master your reactivity, teach kids how to manage their big feelings, and set limits that work. Each week she brings practical and simple strategies to the podcast so you can stop yelling and create a peaceful home.

This podcast releases every single Thursday with 30 minute episodes designed to give you big AHA’s about parenting and simple concepts with actionable takeaways that you can apply right away in your family.

You can find this podcast on your favorite podcast app, including Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google podcasts and amazon. And if you’d like to subscribe you can do so by going to https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/subscribe

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