Show notes
Tired of repeating yourself over and over…and over? Can’t figure out why your child doesn’t listen? This is the episode for you!
I’m talking about why it's not effective to repeat yourself, why you do it anyway and how you’re using it as a way to rescue your kids (and yourself) from negative consequences.
Because repeating yourself and reminding your kids over and over again isn’t just infuriating - it actually prevents them from developing responsibility.
Your kids don’t listen to you when you tell them what to do because you haven’t trained them that it’s in their best interest to listen to you.
You haven’t shown them the impacts of their decisions, so they aren’t learning how to make better choices.
This is totally normal, and it makes sense. You want to protect your kid. You don’t want them to fail.
But protecting them in the short-term also means that they aren’t learning the bigger lessons that will serve them in the long-term.
What’s the alternative? Teach your kids to THINK . Make decisions. And then experience the impact of those decisions.
Being cold because they forgot a jacket, getting a low grade because they forgot to turn in an assignment, having to sell a toy or game to pay for a lost coat, that's how kids learn responsibility.
Kids who are rescued from those impacts don't build resilience.
Kids become resilient when they fail, and are taught how to fix their mistakes.
In a results based model of parenting like I teach, you lay out the expectations, tell your child what might happen based on their choice and then let them choose.
Inside my parenting programs, I give you everything you need to set limits, connect behaviors with the impacts they cause and guide your children through fixing their own mistakes.
What stands in the way of teaching kids responsibility is when parents rescue their kid from experiencing the consequences (aka results) of their actions.
- Repeating your rules and limits in order to prevent the consequence is rescuing.
- Repeating yourself and reminding your kids of your limits and consequences is rescuing.
- Resolving your kids' conflicts for them is rescuing. (This includes apologizing on their behalf.)
- Reminding your kids to do things so they don't forget is rescuing.
- Giving in/negotiating so your kid doesn't have to 'suffer' the results of their actions is rescuing.
Repeating yourself and reminding your kids of the limits you've set and the consequences that might happen if they don't listen is RESCUING.
The bummer is that kids learn responsibility by being irresponsible.
What I notice with parents is that we often get mad about our kids' irresponsibility, while at the same time rescuing them.
We say things like "When are you going to learn to put your clothes in the hamper?" while we gather up the clothes and do their laundry.
We say "when are you going to learn how to get up on time for school?" as we remind and nag them to get up.
"When are you going to stop losing your jacket?" as we pay for another one.
Unfortunately lectures with a little shame sprinkle don’t teach kids to think before they act and develop responsibility.
When you go back on your own rule or limit, you are either rescuing your kid from the consequence OR you are rescuing yourself from dealing with your kid's protest about the consequence.
Repeating yourself and reminding your kids of your limits and the consequences is a form of rescuing. You are reminding them because you don't want them to fail.
Giving in and going back on your own limit is also rescuing your kid from experiencing the consequence.
When you find yourself going back on a rule, limit, or routine check-in with yourself and ask "What am I preventing or avoiding? Why am I choosing to give in?"
Instead of repeating yourself over and over and randomly making threats of loss of sweets, screens, stories or playdates, why not let your kids make a mistake and learn from it?
Rescuing is often about rescuing ourselves from feeling uncomfortable with someone else's discomfort. It's a little selfish really.
Rescuing also communicates the message of "I don't trust you and your ability to figure this out and walk through this pain and come out on the other side."
Are you rescuing? If yes, why do you think you are?
- Are you uncomfortable with your child's discomfort? Do you make it mean that you're a bad mom?
- Are you afraid a mistake today will be a bigger problem later?
- Are you over-stressed and can't handle the inconvenience of your child's mistakes?
- Are you worried you will be judged by other moms if your kid fails, or makes a mistake?
What are some GOOD things that could happen if you let your kid struggle and fail a bit more?
What's the worst that can happen? A little crying and protest.
What the best that can happen? A kid who learns to think before they act and can overcome disappointment and failure.
Listen to the full episode for specific examples, lots of practical tips and ways to support yourself through uncomfortable learning experiences.
You’ll Learn:
- The commonly-used consequences that don’t really work
- The actual goal of parenting (and it isn’t just doing what you say)
- The ways you might be rescuing your kid (or yourself) from experiencing the true consequences of their actions
- How to notice if you’re rescuing your kid and what to do instead
Free Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
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