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Atomic Julie - MAKE ME AN OFFER by Con Blomberg Dec 20, 2022

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With a city manager (much like alexa/amazon prime - it delivers anything ordered) handling all New York City's needs, how can things go wrong?

oh, and it's Julie's birthday...

Three Exes For Xmas by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week) Dec 15, 2022

Show notes

[warning - mature language and violence] Carla Skray, CEO of Tammuz Inc., chief exploiter of hordes of unliving workers, finds herself "haunted" by her ex husbands - returned as the same zombies she employs... Cast List Carla Skray - Julie Hoverson Robbie - Scott C. Wentworth Monica - Melissa Pang Tick - Frankenvox Amy - E. Vickery Phil - Ayoub Khote Rick - Reynaud LeBoeuf 911 Operator - Jacquie Duckworth VOICE BOX - Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) Stock Reporter Marianne Coleman-Hipkins Kathy - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fred, on the phone, Newscaster - Russell Gold Additional zombies: John Lingard Sidney Williams (Fear on Demand) Michael Hudson Robyn Keyes and the zombie chorus... Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a corporate office, can't you tell?" ****************************************************************************************** THREE EXES FOR XMAS Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] CARLA Skray (posh 50s), rich industrialist ROBBIE (20s), her fourth boytoy husband AMY (20s), his girlfriend MONICA (30s), Carla's personal assistant TICK (30s), Carla's go-to guy ZOMBIE PHIL (dead but 20s), Carla's first husband ZOMBIE RICK (dead but 20s), Carla's second husband Emergency OPERATOR (any) NEWSCASTER (any) FRED (any), on the phone KATHY (any) businesslike VOICE BOX OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a mansion in a very posh part of humantown, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1. CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND LOW MUSIC CARLA The zombies in agricultural sector eight are refusing to comply with the new work orders? [incredulous] Refusing? You mean they're - they're going on strike? FRED [on monitor] I know it sounds wild, but-- CARLA Wild? Wild! It sounds like they've lost what little is left of their tiny maggot ridden minds! FRED They're asking for a slight wage increase-- CARLA Never! And to think I was kind enough to create jobs for those rotting bastards in the first place! FRED They want-- CARLA I don't care what they want! I want a twenty-year old's ass, but that's not gonna happen either! FRED I'll tell them-- CARLA Nothing. Don't even bother. Seal off sector 8 and turn off the chum. [note: chum, from the word for "minced up meat poured in the water to attract sharks", is basically what zombies "eat".] FRED There's hundreds of-- CARLA [venomous] Decaying dead bodies. Nothing more. The fact that they have volition is utterly inconsequential. The council has held they have no rights. Who am I to go against the law? FRED That might change sooner than you think. CARLA Just do it. Off. SOUND SCREEN GOES OFF ROBBIE [teasing] A twenty year old's ass? Does that mean mine's not good enough any more? CARLA [completely different] You've still got a coupla good years in you, Robbie honey. Come and give me a neck rub. ROBBIE Absolutely, boss lady. CARLA [grrrow] You know what it does to me when you call me that. ROBBIE Of course. SOUND BEEP MONICA [on monitor] Ma'am? The massage therapist is here. CARLA [exasperated noise] Give me a minute, I need to freshen up. ROBBIE [sexy] Does that mean what I think it does? CARLA Not today, sweetass. [walking away] You run along and make sure to have a nice hot bath ready for me - say in about an hour? SOUND HIS FEET LEAVING, WE FOLLOW HIM ROBBIE Right. CARLA [off, calling] Make it an hour and a half. SOUND DOOR SHUTS ROBBIE [quietly, fuming] Yes master. SOUND HE WALKS AWAY, OPENS ANOTHER DOOR NO MUSIC TO CHANGE SCENE 2. MONICA'S DESK MONICA Is she ready? ROBBIE A couple minutes. AMY [surprised] Robbie? ROBBIE Shh. [loud, hearty] Hey, Amy. Nice to see you. AMY Robbie, what--? ROBBIE [worried, rushed undertone] What are you doing here? AMY Outcall. Do you think I bring the table along for social visits? ROBBIE Are you nuts? AMY [shrug] Agency sent me. It's good money. ROBBIE That's my - my wife in there. AMY [teasing] Oh! I thought you just worked here. ROBBIE I do, but-- MONICA [calling] She's ready for you now. ROBBIE Shit. You should get outta here. AMY [reassuring] She can't know. Why should she? ROBBIE Please... AMY Don't worry! CARLA [on intercom] Monica, wrap it up out there and take the rest of the day. MUSIC SCENE 3. TICK'S OFFICE SOUND NEWS IN OVER MUSIC NEWS PERSON Stock in Tammuz National went up three points today with the announcement of yet another advance in preservation technology. Keep your zombie workers fresher longer! [note: Tammuz was a Mesopotamian god of rebirth or on-going life] SOUND COMMERCIAL STARTS, TV TURNS OFF TICK [talking on phone] I received your package yesterday. I appreciate your promptness. Did you want to add anything to the instructions? [listens for a minute] [chuckles] Don't worry. "Accidents" happen every day. MUSIC SCENE 4. CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY CARLA [moans] SOUND MASSAGE NOISES, PATTING, FINAL BIT, SMOOTHING AMY There. Sit up slowly. CARLA [deep breath, stretching noises] You're quite good. SOUND THINGS BEING PUT AWAY IN A CASE AMY Thank you. I hope you'll call on my services again. CARLA Oh... I don't think so. AMY Hmm? CARLA And neither will anyone else in my... household. I hope you understand? AMY [slightly worried] No...? CARLA [sigh] Come. You need to see this. SOUND DOOR OPENS AMY The bathroom? CARLA [chuckles] SOUND LIGHT SWITCH ON CARLA I think you'll find it very interesting. AMY [sigh] Ok, but I should get going... Why are we in here? CARLA Easy to clean. AMY Huh? CARLA [grunt of effort] SOUND THROAT SLIT AMY [gurgling, dying] SOUND OPENS CABINET, LARGE METAL THING BROUGHT OUT, SET DOWN ON TILE, GARBAGE BAG OPENED AND FLUFFED OUT CARLA Pity really. You've got excellent hands. Ah well. I'm sure someone will make good use of them. [NOTE: AMY's body is the body Tick gives to Ben in Zombi to dispose of.] SOUND HORRIBLE JUICY SAWING NOISES BEGIN MUSIC SCENE 5. ROBBIE AT HOME AMY [on filter] Leave a message! Now! Wait, no, leave it now! SOUND BEEP ROBBIE Call me soon-- [cuts himself off suddenly] SOUND DOORKNOB SOUND PHONE SLAMS SHUT SOUND DOOR OPENS ROBBIE Got your bath. Let me run a bit more hot. CARLA Oh, that. [dismissive] I showered in my office. ROBBIE [trying to hide his disappointment] Oh? CARLA A little problem came up. SOUND POURING A DRINK ROBBIE [very anxious] How was... the massage? CARLA [sighs, then casual] You stupid boy. ROBBIE Huh? CARLA You think I don't know every little thing you do? ROBBIE What do you mean? CARLA It wasn't an accident that I ordered that particular young woman for my massage. ROBBIE Oh. CARLA And you won't be seeing her again. Ever. ROBBIE But-- I... I don't-- CARLA She's on the next train. Out. ROBBIE Where--? CARLA Unimportant. Whatever's leaving. It's amazing what a large sum of money will do to motivate people. ROBBIE [bereft] But... why? CARLA You're mine, Robbie darling, and I don't share my toys. When you're my ex-, you can sleep with any piece of tail you can catch. ROBBIE [very down] Right. CARLA [spitefully seductive] Now come over here and give mama some sugar. MUSIC SCENE 6. TICK'S OFFICE SOUND COMPUTER KEYS SOUND BEEP TICK [annoyed sigh] Who the--? SOUND CLICK TICK Figures. SOUND CLICK, OPENS FEED TICK Madame chairwoman. Every time I see your face, I hear the sound of money. CARLA Doesn't everyone? [dry chuckle] It's a week til christmas. You know what that means? TICK Hmm? [snide] And I didn't get you anything. CARLA Hah! [urgent] Only two weeks until the New Year, and the vote on zombie rights. TICK Ah. I knew it couldn't be peace on earth, good will to man. CARLA Good will is precisely my problem. Things have been very good - very peaceful - recently, and people are feeling ...chummy. Generous. TICK [mock concern] Are you melting yet? CARLA There's a point where even you get tiresome, Tick. TICK Well, let's speed this up, then. Tick tock tick tock. [TICK is his nickname because of his tendancy to push people by saying "tick tock" - this might need to change] CARLA I need an incident. [sarcastic] Am I speaking to the right person? TICK [derisive snort [duh]] What are you looking for? MUSIC SCENE 7. MONICA'S OFFICE ROBBIE [bored sigh] Is she in? MONICA Just a moment. [to phone] Read that back? ROBBIE It's a simple question! MONICA Shh! [to phone] Yes, that sounds perfect. Both packages. Good. I'll be expecting delivery. SOUND PHONE CLICKS OFF MONICA Sorry about that. A supplier who's very hard to get ahold of. [change subject] She's out right now. ROBBIE I'll wait inside. MONICA I'm sorry. Ms. Skray left specific instructions-- ROBBIE [whining a bit] I'm her husband, dammit. MONICA Very specific instructions. MUSIC SCENE 8. ZOMBIE WAREHOUSE SOUND LOW VAGUE MOANING NOISE OF MANY ZOMBIES CARLA [going down a line] No. No. Maybe. Hmm. [dubious] Maybe. No. No. No. No. [sigh] Is this everything? KATHY They're the freshest we've got. [joking in poor taste] It's not like we can make them to order. CARLA [as if she's considering it] Hmph. Have those two cleaned up and put in jumpsuits. Make sure they get muzzled and thoroughly shellacked. I dislike finding bits lying about. MUSIC SCENE 9. CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND DOOR SHUTS ROBBIE [whining a bit, slightly drunk] Where've you been? CARLA [cold] Working. Keeping you in that expensive brandy. ROBBIE Only [checks] half a bottle. CARLA How... highbrow. You really should take better care of yourself, Robbie dear. You're starting to lose your charm. ROBBIE [breaking down] You don't love me anymore. CARLA I didn't marry you for love, little boy. You're eye candy and good in the sack. Nothing more. And nothing at all, once you stop fulfilling those functions. ROBBIE You bitch! You said I was special! CARLA [maddeningly calm] I made you special. Now you're being common. You think you're the first? ROBBIE What? CARLA I've had others before you. And I'm sure there will be more after you're gone. ROBBIE [panicky] Gone? Where? CARLA [dismissive] Wherever broken toys go. MUSIC SCENE 10. TICK'S OFFICE TICK [on phone] Yes. I found the two you requested. [listens] Very lucky. You have what I need? Good. [sighs, listening] Yes. That's the day. Just call me santa claus. MUSIC SCENE 11. MONICA'S OFFICE MONICA Merry Christmas. CARLA [passing through] Whatever. Have there been any calls from Tick? MONICA [slightly worried] From... Tick? [note: monica is behind the appearance of the two dead husbands, and tick is working for both of them. This just hints at that] CARLA He's handling something for me. MONICA [relieved] Oh! For you. No. Not yet. CARLA Get him. SOUND DOOR OPENS, CARLA MOVES INTO HER OFFICE MONICA [calling after her] Robbie was looking for you. Again. CARLA [dismissive noise] SOUND DOOR SHUTS CARLA [musing] Seems it's just about trade-in time. SOUND CHAIR PULLED OUT, COMPUTER OPEN MONICA [on SCREEN] Tick. For you. CARLA Good. You can go. [beat] Leave. MONICA Merry Christmas! TICK She's a bit early. CARLA I've already given her tomorrow off. Where is my incident? TICK Open the news. SOUND CLICK, SCREEN COMES UP NEWSCASTER --near-riot when a guard fell off the wall near treadmill sector 5. A crowd of mobiles were subdued only after a protracted assault. The guard was not recovered. CARLA [satisfied] Ahhhh. TICK And my money? SOUND CLICK CARLA Open your account. TICK [very satisfied] Merry Christmas. CARLA Are you "doing something" for the holiday, or can you take on another little disposal job if I need you? MUSIC SCENE 12. CARLA'S HOME ROBBIE [distant, calling out] Hello? Hello? Where is everyone? CARLA I've given them the holiday off. ROBBIE [coming in] Look, I've been thinking, and if you want me to go, I'm fine with that. CARLA Go? Just when I thought we might spend the weekend "reconnecting?" ROBBIE Really? CARLA Of course. I have something very special planned for you. ROBBIE Oh. [ashamed] And all I got you was chocolates. SOUND OPENS BOX, MUSIC BOX PLAYS CARLA How... cute. [guarded] Why does that remind me of... something? ROBBIE I don't know. Monica said you would like it. SOUND SHUTS BOX, SETS IT DOWN CARLA [brisk again] Well. Don't worry - I'll think of something you can do to make it up to me. [chuckles] SOUND GUNSHOT CARLA Like... go quietly. ROBBIE [gurgles] SOUND BODY DROP CARLA Damn. You moved. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS ROBBIE [trying to make words] No, no! please! SOUND HAND GROPES ACROSS FLOOR CARLA It'll be easier if you don't fight it-- SOUND DOORBELL CARLA Oh, bother. If they heard the shot.... [determined hmph] ROBBIE [gurgling] CARLA [brightly] Don't go anywhere! SOUND SHE STRIDES AWAY MUSIC SCENE 13. CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND DOOR OPENS CARLA Yes? [quizzical] Hello? SOUND SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS PHIL [zombie moaning] CARLA [annoyed noise] euch. [talks very slow] You go. Not hiring. SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH PHIL [moan ends on a quizzical note] CARLA [recognizing him] What the--? Phil? [freaking, but trying to talk slow] Go. Go now. Calling security! SOUND DOOR SLAMS CARLA [breathing a little heavily] Poor bastard. [deep breath, then snide] And poor Robbie. SOUND SHARP FOOTSTEPS CARLA Robbie, dear, are you dead yet? SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND GUN COCKS CARLA [a bit worried] Robbie? Damn it, it wasn't that bad a shot. ROBBIE [distant scream] CARLA Ah. Better than a blood trail. SOUND CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS SOUND DOOR PUSHED OPEN SOUND NASTY CHEWING NOISES RICK [mushy zombie moan] ROBBIE [weak] Help me! CARLA [disgusted] Sorry Robbie. Tiny gun like this is only good on soft tissue. Won't even crease a skull. I'll go get something bigger. RICK [LOUD MOAN] CARLA [dismissive] Filthy rotting thing. SOUND DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS CARLA How in blazes did it get in, anyway? SOUND COMPUTER TURNS ON, TYPING CARLA What the-- [offended] No connection! Some bastard's hacked my system! Fine. You think you can screw with me? SOUND SLAM HAND ON KEYS CARLA [dangerous] You've got another think coming. MUSIC SCENE 14. CARLA'S HOME, WHERE THE ZOMBIE IS VOICEBOX Now she will find her guns are useless. RICK [moaned] What about him? VOICEBOX Were you in time? RICK [moaned] Don't know. VOICEBOX We'll soon see. MUSIC SCENE 15. CARLA'S HOME, UPSTAIRS SOUND DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, SEARCHING CARLA What the blazes? SOUND DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, PULLED OUT ON FLOOR CARLA Who's been in here? SOUND COMPUTER OPENS, TAP A FEW KEYS CARLA Shit! Nothing! SOUND SLAMS THE KEYS CARLA [deep breath] There's always an answer. SOUND OPENS PHONE, PUNCHES NUMBERS TICK [on phone] Yes? CARLA [intense, trying for calm] Need help now. TICK Bit early for cleanup. CARLA There are... mobiles... on my property. TICK [indifferent] Call security. CARLA What? How can you--? TICK I make deliveries. I push things into place. I don't ride up on a white horse and save anyone. Call the cops. SOUND HANG UP CARLA Bastard! SOUND DIALS AGAIN SOUND BUSY SIGNAL CARLA What the‑‑? SOUND DIALS AGAIN SOUND RINGS OPERATOR [weary] What is the nature of your emergency? CARLA Zombies! OPERATOR [bland, sigh] Of course. Are they in your house? CARLA How can you be so calm? They're after me! OPERATOR Ma'am. It's my job to be calm. Now why don't you take a deep breath and get some calm, yourself. CARLA Do you know who I am? OPERATOR Carla Skray, 118 north ridge road-- CARLA I am the CEO of Tammuz. OPERATOR I'm very sorry madame…

Full show notes at the publisher

The Gift of the Zombi by Julie Hoverson (with a wink and a nod to O. Henry) 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week Dec 08, 2022

Show notes

Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead. Cast List Mia - Brenda Dau Ben - Derek M. Koch of Mail Order Zombie Geek - Glen Hallstrom Tick - Frankenvox Chuck - Bob Noble Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Doris - Julie Hoverson Sheri - Crystal Thomson Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson Voicebox - Beverly Poole Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich & Rish Outfield of Dunesteef Audio Magazine Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson Other zombies: Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson. Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************************************** GIFT OF THE ZOMBI Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor Andy, henpecked zombie (40s) Doris, Andy's wife (40s) Geek, a broker (30s) Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s) Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s) Fred, a zombie (any) Bob, another zombie (any) Chuck, overseer zombie (any) Voicebox - mechanical translator ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other. /n = normal"mind voice" /z = "zombie voice" There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice. Exceptions: DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice. NOTE: The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less. Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside. Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand. Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so. That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand. OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1. MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF SOUND FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT MIA/Z [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically, punctuating the narrative] MIA/n I hate Mondays. SOUND ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING SOUND STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE MIA/n It doesn't help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven't got Ben his present. MIA/z [roar of anger] SOUND SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS. MIA/N The holidays just bring out the worst in me. SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE MIA/N [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night. I love the hot pink against my pale skin. [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang. They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me. SOUND SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES MIA/n A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day. SOUND [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS. MIA/n Ben's gift is the big problem. I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap. There just aren't that many floating around out there. MUSIC SCENE 2. OUTSIDE SOUND NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS. SOUND STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY BEN/z [moans, fighting his way to his feet] BEN/n [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night? BEN/z [shake head noise] BEN/n Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me-- SOUND SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP BEN/n For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into. I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it. Went whole hog and did the handfast. It's like always having a piece of her with me. [note: in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands. zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another] ANDY/z [morning] BEN/z [yo! How's it going?] ANDY/z [falling moan, ending in a squeal] BEN/n Don't I know it! Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy. He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night. Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now. MUSIC SCENE 3. MIA'S STAIRCASE SOUND BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE. MIA/z [distraught moan] MIA/n Darn stair carpet. Darn heels. SOUND FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON MIA/n Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap. Ben loves my little foibles. He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him. Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do. SOUND SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON TED/z [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive] MIA/z [dismissive moan] MIA/n Not today, Ted. I don't have time for any of your nonsense. TED/z [moan ending in a squeak/question] MIA/n I'm with Ben, Ted. You know that. I'm not giving up what I have with him. He has my hand, and my promise. He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way. TED/z [mournful and pissed moan] MIA/n Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe. MIA/z [roar/moan as she brushes him aside] SOUND STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH MIA/z [roar of triumph] MIA/N First time!! [made it on the first try!] This is gonna be a great day! MUSIC SCENE 4. OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN ANDY/z [cursing groan] ANDY/n Come on, Ben. Doris likes you! If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it! BEN/z [dismissive groan] SOUND SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER ANDY/z [dude] ANDY/N Dude! Come on-- DORIS/z [distant strident squeal] ANDY/n Oh, crap! SOUND SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING ANDY/z [strange gurgling warble] ANDY/n [sigh] I lose more tongues that way. DORIS/z [strident squeal, closer] MUSIC SCENE 5. OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING SOUND HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE MIA/z [low moan] GEEK/z [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!] MIA/z [quizzical] MIA/n Yeah, what's it to you? GEEK/z [you got any to spare?] MIA/n No! I like mine right where they are. GEEK/z [get you a good price. Fingers are always top value.] MIA/z [sharp moan of anger] MIA/n Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says-- MIA/z [fuck you] GEEK/z [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!] MIA/n Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues. MUSIC SCENE 6. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note: throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under] MIA [calling] Hey babycakes! BEN [off] Yo sweet thang! SOUND PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER MIA Mm. Missed you! BEN Double that. SOUND DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES MIA [mild slurp, then hot] You are such a good kisser. BEN Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to. MIA [giggles] BEN Let's walk. Want to show you something. MIA Oh? Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill. BEN You know I'd support you if I could-- MIA I like looking after my own needs. [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants. BEN Ooh! MUSIC SCENE 7. OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE SOUND PLODDING FEET MIA I should have worn more convenient shoes. BEN Sorry! Almost there. MIA What is...it...? [awe] Oh! BEN I thought you might say that. Just saw them. Of course, they're not cheap. MIA [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off! BEN The heels aren't too high, are they? MIA [sigh of ecstasy] I love stacks... MUSIC SCENE 8. OUTSIDE, Later BEN [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots. ANDY And how much did you say they were? BEN More than I've had in living memory. ANDY At any one time? BEN EVER. ANDY Woah. Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate. BEN [scoff noise] The mills? It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then. ANDY What, then? Go out snatching? That's pretty much your only other option. BEN [sighs] I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow-- ANDY Woah, there! You know Doris holds the purse strings! BEN If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three. ANDY [musing] You know... That's not a bad idea. BEN [disturbed] Serious? ANDY Nah. I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving. I guess that's love. BEN [agreeing hmph] MUSIC SCENE 9. TREADMILLS SOUND HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER. DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS MIA Hey! OTHER ZOMBIES [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia! Looking good!] SOUND MANY PLODDING FEET MIA Hey Chuck! Got a space? CHUCK For you? Always, babe. Wanna lose the heels first? MIA Brought my work shoes. Just need a moment at the bench. CHUCK I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles] Thank god for velcro, eh? MIA Hah! I have all my fingers. CHUCK [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...? MIA [chuckles] Jealous? MUSIC SCENE 10. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk] GEEK [Psst.] BEN What? GEEK [heard you were having some money troubles.] BEN What's it to you? GEEK [I might be able to help you with that.] BEN I don't think so. I don't have anything I feel like selling. GEEK [You got some extra fingers. An entire hand that looks... spare] BEN No way. Man! That's - that's Mia's hand! I should smack you with it just for suggesting that! GEEK [Hey! I don't want no trouble! I'm just a businessman!] BEN [spits out the word] Businessman. You're a parts broker. GEEK [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.] SOUND SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE BEN Wait. GEEK [what?] BEN What - what's in high demand? GEEK [What?] BEN I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for? GEEK [[chuckles] See? When you need me--] BEN Cut the crap and tell me. GEEK [Appendages are always good. Fingers, noses, ears. And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.] BEN [gulp] GEEK [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition. Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.] BEN What about parts that - aren't mine? GEEK [Stolen parts? What makes you think I trade dirty?] BEN Your type always does. GEEK [[pissed again] My type? My type? I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.] BEN Shit, I-- GEEK [incoherent roar, as he leaves] MUSIC SCENE 11. TREADMILL AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet MIA [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think. You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head. Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right? SOUND SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL [vocals have zombie noises under again] TED Hey Mia! MIA [sigh] Hi Ted. TED Funny running into you here. Shove over? MIA Right. Like I don't do this every day. No room. SHERI Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted. TED [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little. There's space next to you if you make room. MIA Sorry, Ted [she's not]. Been saving that for... Sheri. SHERI Huh? TED Sheri won't mind - will you? SHERI I - I guess not... MIA Oh, no Ted. We have girl talking to do. Bye-bye. Hop up Sheri. TED Fine. See you at end of shift? MIA [muttered] Not if I see you first. SOUND TED FLOPS OFF MIA [up] I don't know what you see in him, Sher. SHERI Neither do I. Pheromones I guess. MIA Well, he does smell. SHERI [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes. MIA [ugh] Hey, Sher, I gotta problem. SHERI Oh? [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben? MIA No! Why would you say that? SHERI Nothing. MIA Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound? SHERI Um. The second one. MIA Kinda thought so. O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem? SHERI [relieved] Sure! MIA I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it. SHERI You mean...um...what you said he's missing? MIA Yeah. All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up. Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage. SHERI You live in a cage? MIA He means an apartment. SHERI Oh. Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one. You see plenty of missing ones out there every day. [NOTE: they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive] MIA I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one. Make him feel like a new man. I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic? In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones. SHERI They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones. I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement. And some of them get freakishly big. MIA Well, I found a place to get something real high quality. Won't look fake at all. They'll even tint it to match his skin. And it won't rot or fall off. Guaranteed to last. Not even a nibble. SHERI It won't make him smell any better. MIA No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for. SHERI Someone with all their parts? MIA Oh, heck. I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose. SHERI [hmm] I could maybe loan you a little-- MIA No, this guy charges a bunch. I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know? SHERI Don't go there. Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila! You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left. Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone. MIA [sigh] You're probably right. MUSIC SCENE 12. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE AMB SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE SOUND FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER [note Tick speaks slowly…

Full show notes at the publisher

Quail Seed (adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Saki) 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week! Dec 02, 2022

Show notes

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy) Quail Seed A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones. Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper Jimmy, Assistant Lucy, Jimmy's girl Boy Man/Beard Miss Fritten Mrs. Greyes Mrs. Gordon Miss Jones Miss Smith Gloria Mrs. Lipping SAKI OPENING MUSIC SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY Hello? Helloooo? JIMMY [close] Morning, Lucy! LUCY [startled gasp] Jimmy! There you are. Bit... empty in here, isn't it? JIMMY [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY Shh! Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick. You'll quite set him off. LUCY Oh! JIMMY It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY [heavy sigh, morose] Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY That bad, eh? JIMMY Quite. SOUND DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS Miss Smith Hello? SOUND QUICK STEPS JIMMY Yes? How may I assist you? Miss Smith [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable? I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY Sorry. Clean out. Perhaps next week. MISS Smith Ah. Thank you. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY You might have made a sale! JIMMY She just wanted to look. LUCY You don't know that. JIMMY [bitter admission] She's the fourth today. Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND DOOR BELL MISS Jones Hello? JIMMY ...and that's five. MUSIC SOUND PUB SCARRICK The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND POURING DRINK SCARRICK These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves. In fact, I've left him in charge. I've never done that before. BOY I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too. I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN We shall simply wait for the next-- SCARRICK May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES Oh! [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about-- MISS FRITTEN Bootlaces. MRS. GREYES Bootlaces! Yes! I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK [hearty] Of course. Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES Of course. [whispering] You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here! Bootlaces indeed. I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES Shh! SCARRICK Finding everything? MRS. GREYES Oh, yes. This is the best ... um... anchovy paste. Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN Just lovely! SCARRICK Perhaps you ladies could help me. I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES Oh? SCARRICK I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK What? SOUND ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES Shh! Shh! Look at that! MISS FRITTEN What an odd looking boy. Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES And those clothes. Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND CLANG BOY [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES Allergies? Shh! SCARRICK [business as usual] Here you are. We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES The boy must have been here before. SOUND COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday. Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK [formal and serious] As you wish. SOUND BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK [final] A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES Does he shop here often? Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK It takes all sorts. SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN [gasp] MRS. GREYES Oh! [covering her consternation] Oh, I forgot those bootlaces! [hissed] Come on! SOUND THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MISS FRITTEN Who do you think he is? MAN [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES Oh! [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN [whispered] How could he! SCARRICK [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN My servant will fetch the coffee as usual SOUND COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SCARRICK [unhesitating] No. we don't stock it. SOUND FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man. Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES Don't let's bother about the 3.12. Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN Perhaps we should buy a few things first. Since we're here. MUSIC SOUND TEA MISS FRITTEN [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is. Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN It is a simile and hardly matters. Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON And the boy? MRS. GREYES I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN Unrelated? And both asking for "quail seed"? Mark my words. There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop. Mark my words. [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SOUND DOOR, BELL SOUND BROOM LUCY Jimmy? JIMMY Here. LUCY Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY But, what happened? JIMMY This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers. LUCY Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to? LUCY Come on! It's all over town. People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper. I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak. The dark young man and the Beard. JIMMY Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC AMBIENCE SHOP [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY Miss? I suppose so. MISS SMITH It looks a little dusty. JIMMY That would be my fault-- SCARRICK [commanding] Jimmy! JIMMY So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed. MISS FRITTEN [getting it] Ah! SOUND REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND COINS MRS. LIPPING I'm looking for something interesting for a savory. Have you any-- SOUND GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK [as if nothing is amiss] I have some pickled olives. Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING Yes, anything. SOUND JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND BOY WALKS IN. SOUND BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK [normal] What can I get for you today? BOY I require a pound of honey. SOUND BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK Very good, sir. SOUND CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES Hush! Listen! SOUND THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges. Around behind here. SOUND QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND GASPS SCARRICK [unperturbed] What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN Halva? What is that? MRS. GREYES It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING Hush. SCARRICK There you are. MAN hmm [evaluating noise] Yes. SOUND COINS DROPPED MAN Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA [stifled squeak of excitement] SCARRICK We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND [gasps] MRS. GREYES [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN It's too too terrible. MUSIC TEA MRS. GREYES It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN More quail seed! Those quails must be voracious! [realizing] or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING I don't. I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah. The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA [exasperated] Only as a miracle. [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA I can't imagine that that boy is the guilty party here. Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND DOOR, BELL JIMMY [calling from off] Closed! LUCY I know, mutton head. JIMMY Oh, Lucy! SOUND BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY Another busy day? JIMMY The busiest. Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND KISS LUCY [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY [uneasy] Oh? LUCY [indulgent] You were quite the hero. Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY [pouty] Jimmy. Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY You, Lucy? I don't think so. LUCY Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY I didn't mean that-- [sigh] No. No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY Let me in, then! Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC PUB SCARRICK It was quite marvelous! And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN It looked crowded, but were they actually buying? SCARRICK They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger. BOY "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK exactly. Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN What do you think? Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES Nonsense. His is brass. Or bronze, perhaps. That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON Ducks? SCARRICK [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON Ducks? I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH MRS GORDON oh! SCARRICK You'll excuse me. SOUND BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM SCARRICK Sir? BOY Yes? SCARRICK [overtly confidential] I must warn you-- SOUND [gasps] SCARRICK [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. MRS GORDON Oh nO! BOY [shocked and disappointed] Oh. I should-- I must-- SOUND SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY [excited] We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY [dramatic gasp] SOUND BOY RUNS MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Watch the door! SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. SCARRICK [very tense] Ah. Coffee again today sir? Perhaps figs? MAN I am looking for-- LUCY [in disguise, foreign sounding] Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN What? MRS GREYES [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN [suspicious] I order the things myself. I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN [voiceover] How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here. [tinkling laugh] SOUND HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN [considering] Hmph. MRS. GORDON [gasp] MAN You! SC…

Full show notes at the publisher

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TELEGRAM TO SATAN! Nov 17, 2022

Show notes

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey's Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** A Telegram ...to Satan! Cast: Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell? MUSIC Scene 1. SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight. REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting? REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor... REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair? Scene 2. CHIEF Shut the door. SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO Where's Leona? CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us. THEO [a little worried] Yeah? CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo... THEO [starting to panic] Uh... CHIEF You seeing anyone right now? THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news. CHIEF I know the feeling. THEO Uh...! CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can't let the news rule your life, sweetheart. THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here? CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night? THEO Uh... Uh... I ... CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get. THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night. CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida. THEO Who? CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me. SOUND DOOR OPENS THEO Dickman? DICKMAN Yeah. THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business. DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here. THEO Oh. Is that good? CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA Oh. SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN THEO Leona--? She left. CHIEF Musta forgot something. DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something. THEO Should I ...go? CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you. DICKMAN I hope you have something good. CHIEF Oh, are you staying? DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying. MUSIC Scene 3. AMB ROOF SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING THEO [off] Leona? LEONA Are you alone? THEO Uh, yeah. LEONA Come on up, then. THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it? LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke. THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment. LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of? THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone? LEONA [sigh] I'll come down. MUSIC Scene 4. SOUND IN CAR LEONA What's the story? THEO I was about to ask you the same thing. LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get. THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive. LEONA And Dickman? THEO No. He's got a story of his own. LEONA Which is? THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer. LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts. THEO Well, it's actually-- LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost. THEO Sounds like you have a history. LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum. THEO Huh? LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama. MUSIC Scene 5. AMB FARM LEONA Bucolic. THEO I've never been on a farm before! LEONA I've worked hard to avoid them myself. HADLEY Hallooo! You must be the folks from the World Bugle! THEO Must we? Ah, yes. We must! I mean, that's us! LEONA [flat] Show us the cows. HADLEY I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu. LULU [goat] Maaaa. LEONA Don't try and tell me that's a cow. HADLEY No, no. Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs. They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal GOAT Maaa. LEONA You tell him. Show us the cows. HADLEY She can even fetch – here. THEO A ball? Should I throw it? HADLEY Nah – just hold it up. Fetch Lulu! LULU MAAA! SOUND THUMP THEO Ow. HADLEY And now she gets the ball. Just a little goat humor. SOUND BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP THEO [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated. LEONA Cattle is already plural. HADLEY Come along and you can see for yourself. THEO Ew? I mean - it's been a couple of days. Won't they be a bit ... ripe? LEONA [musing] Really quick shutter. THEO What? LEONA Catches all the flies in mid-flight. THEO Ewwww.. HADLEY Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead? Oh. No. Come on. MUSIC Scene 6. LEONA [stunned] And WHEN did this happen? THEO How many are there? HADLEY Five. Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred. LEONA You have a cow named Fred? HADLEY She's had a hard life. THEO And all five of them have these... HADLEY Big tattooed triangles. Yep. LEONA Does it go underneath, too, or just end there? HADLEY Nope. Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink. THEO And it's not just paint? HADLEY Nope. LEONA Humh. Punk cows. Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings. THEO That would really be -- LEONA [trying not to laugh] An udder mess. THEO Ew. This doesn't look like something that happened overnight. HADLEY Nope. Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it. LEONA And they got THIS much done before you noticed? HADLEY What can I say? I'm a right-sided milker. MUSIC Scene 7. SOUND WALKING IN MUD THEO Ah, nature. LEONA One thing you can say for nature. It stinks. THEO That's the smell of life! LEONA No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in. THEO Ew. Hey look! Someone's coming! LEONA Is it Lulu? THEO No! [excited] It looks like a girl! LEONA Can't you tell? DAISY [off, calling] He-ey! THEO Hiya! LEONA [hissed, hinting] Interview. Witness. Stay on task. THEO What? SOUND SLAP THEO Right. Hello, miss--? DAISY [running up, panting] I'm Daisy! THEO Yeah? LEONA [hissed] Does she live near here? THEO Do you--? DAISY I'm just one farm over. THEO Oh. Good. LEONA Does she know anything about the cows? DAISY Huh? THEO HuH? LEONA Tell you what. We're gonna play blindfold questions. DAISY That sounds like fun! THEO What? [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now! LEONA That's the idea. DAISY Who are you folks anyway? I never got a chance to-- THEO We're from the World Bugle. Investigating the cows. DAISY Oh! The tattoos? THEO Yeah. Are they happening at your farm too? LEONA Turn to the left, just a bit. THEO Huh? LEONA You're talking to her shoulder. THEO Ah. DAISY Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem. And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow! THEO No one knows how he's doing it? DAISY He? Do you know who it is? THEO Just reporter shorthand. Playing the odds. [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male. 82%, in fact. LEONA Nice fake. DAISY Wow! THEO Not that we rule anyone out. You could even be the one doing this. DAISY Not me! I can't even draw a cow. [sudden interest] Who's that? LEONA Who? Shit! My turn for the blindfold. SOUND WHIP OF FABRIC THEO [Baffled] Leo? What? Why are you tying that over your whole face? LEONA [muffled] Shut up! DICKMAN [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands. DAISY I dunno where hinter's land is. Is he new around here? THEO [getting it] Oh! Hi, Mr. Dickman. DICKMAN You can call me Ace, kid. THEO [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace. LEONA [muffled] "Smoothie" THEO Shh. DAISY Can I call you Ace too? You look kinda familiar. Have we ever met? DICKMAN So, kid, who's the chick in the turban? THEO Oh, she's my new ... intern. Uh, she's -uh- devout. Can't show her face. DAISY But she had it off-- LEONA [zhagareet - high pitched warble] THEO [running over] We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see. DAISY Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood. Are you related to Clint Eastwood? DICKMAN [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least? THEO Only to people she's been... properly introduced to. It's very ...protective. DICKMAN Doesn't make for much of a reporter. THEO [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead. [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now? Show? LEONA [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you-- THEO [snap] Jasmine? Take picture! LEONA [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess. Picture take i. SOUND SNAP DICKMAN Hey! You didn't need a flash! It's broad daylight! Right in my damn eyes. SOUND SNAP LEONA Many apologies! DAISY Wanna take a picture of me? DICKMAN [stalking closer] Hey! That camera - it looks kinda familiar. THEO [covering] Oh! They all look alike. LEONA [panicking] uh -- No more talk. Time to pray. SOUND DROP TO THE GROUND LEONA [muttering, muffled] THEO You better not bother her now. She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day. It's freedom of religion, man. DICKMAN I'm sure I've seen her before. And she ain't no -- THEO ACE! Don't use that kind of language! [whispered] You could get us sued! LEONA [MUTTERS LOUDER] DAISY Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up? MUSIC Scene 8. AMB QUIET HOTEL ROOM THEO That was kind of... LEONA Mortifying? THEO Well... You don't know much about other cultures, do you? LEONA I only had to fool him, and he knows less. [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you. THEO Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh... [moment of awkward silence] LEONA I suppose you're wondering about all this. THEO No. LEONA It's the most embarrassing episode of my life. THEO Oh. I wouldn't want to pry. LEONA Back when I was young and foolish. THEO [astonished] You were young? LEONA And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet... THEO [getting a bit weirded out] girlish? LEONA He was so confident... THEO Uh, Leona... LEONA So self assured... THEO Come on, Leona. LEONA And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears... THEO Please stop. LEONA [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had. THEO [relieved sigh] Oh! LEONA That's why you can't tell him anything about our story. Not one iota. THEO Why would I, I don't plan to-- LEONA He'll knock on the door any minute now. SOUND KNOCK THEO Wow! LEONA Take him to the bar. THEO But what do I do? LEONA Get him drunk. Keep him talking. SOUND DOOR CHAIN LEONA [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you're distracting him— THEO Distracting? LEONA Yeah. See if you can steal his story! MUSIC Scene 9. AMB BAR DICKMAN This is the life, eh? Just us guys. Us reporters. No one understands the loneliness… THEO Uh, yeah. DICKMAN The mantle of responsibility we don every day-- THEO Really? DICKMAN Our responsibility to the public! To keep them informed. THEO Oh! Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle? DICKMAN Nah. Grandad just loves Ratboy. THEO Oh. [trying to be subtle] So...how goes it with the weed-whacker? DICKMAN [suspicious] Hey – you trying something? THEO No! Just thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help? DICKMAN I don't need any help. THEO But I might have heard something. A lead. DICKMAN [skeptical] Reeeeally? THEO Oh, yeah. [warming to it] I overheard something. Recently. About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers! DICKMAN Really? And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker? THEO He? DICKMAN Playing the odds. 82% of these perps are male, you know. THEO Oh, yeah. I know. DICKMAN [intimidating] But what made you say that? THEO Its just what I heard! Really! DICKMAN [relenting] Cuz that's a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public. THEO Oh! MUSIC HOTEL CLERK May I help you? LEONA [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam. What room is he in? HOTEL CLERK I can accept that for him. LEONA No. uh – it's special delivery. From the head office. HOTEL CLERK I can page him. LEONA Can't wait. Must stay… refrigerated. Plus, he's probably out on assignment-- HOTEL CLERK I think he's just over in the bar. LEONA [sigh, drops the voice] Fifty bucks? SOUND MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP HOTEL CLERK [low response] Here's the spare key. Have a nice day! MUSIC Scene 10. AMB BAR THEO --And he woke up with a donkey's head! DICKMAN What, like in the bed next to him? THEO No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather! Like his head was a donkey's head. DICKMAN [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather. I think you might have a story there. THEO Still not as good as yours! DICKMAN When you been in the biz as long as I have… SOUND PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED BARTENDER No, sorry. We don't serve those here. DICKMAN [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your "sidekick." THEO Ew! BERTENDER Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie. I'll check. [up] Is there a-- THEO [quick, sharp] It's for me! DICKMAN Smoothie? THEO Code name. Top secret. [to phone] Yeah? Yeah! Oh yeaaaaahhhhh. SOUND HANGS UP DICKMAN Yeah? THEO Yeah. Gotta go. The –uh- cows came home. MUSIC Scene 11. AMB NIGHT, PASTURE THEO We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people. LEONA That's where the stories are. THEO Did you find out anything? LEONA Just that he's got nothing. [chuckles] THEO Isn't that bad for the paper? I mean, they still need stories! LEONA Puppy. [gasp] Look! THEO Lights! Is it aliens? LEONA Coleman. THEO Who's Coleman? LEONA A lamp. It's just the farmer. He must have the same idea we do. THEO We do? LEONA To keep watch until the vandal shows up. THEO Would this fall under vandalism? Hmm… I guess cows count as property. LEONA Shh! Look! THEO He's just going in to check on them. SOUND Mooooo THEO That didn't sound happy. LEONA They're cows. They don't really "do" happy. THEO Hey, where's Lulu? LEONA Lulu? THEO The goat- he said she follows him everywhere. LEONA I dunno. Sleeping? THEO Let's get closer to the barn. MUSIC Scene 12. AMB BARN THEO [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind! LEONA If I had a nickel for every time I've heard… SOUND Bzz. Mooooo! THEO [standing up] How dare you! LEONA Oh, boy. HADLEY/DEMON Who dares disturb me at my work. THEO Uh… does he sound different? LEONA I'll be in the bushes – uh – stall. HADLEY/DEMON Come forward, mortal. THEO uh-- LEONA He means you. [uh - pushing him] SOUND PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD THEO […

Full show notes at the publisher

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue episode of the week: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY DALI? Nov 10, 2022

Show notes

Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!) Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?" **************************************************************************** Whatever Happened to Baby Dali? Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Chief Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Leona Pope Dali 1 Other Dalis Melody Harmony Waitress Larry Four Reporters OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1 SOUND bullpen REPORTER 1 So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER. REPORTER 2 Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to-- REPORTER 3 Fourteen people just vanished? Were you on any mind-altering substances? REPORTER 4 Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word-- SOUND DOOR CLOSES THEO Chief? I - uh-- [breaks off in horror] SOUND RUSTLE OF TAFFETA CHIEF Whaddaya think? THEO [freaked out] Are you... getting married? [squeak] In white? LEONA [quiet] Are you really asking? THEO Uh-- CHIEF Nah - scared ya didn't I? THEO Uh-- CHIEF Don't worry. I'm still eligible. THEO Uh--? LEONA Back away. Don't take your eyes off her. CHIEF Whaddaya think? It's a little tight in the gut. Gonna have to cut some of them carbs. THEO [trying] Yeah. That would do it. CHIEF At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless. Hey, where you going? THEO Uh--! LEONA Eager to get to work. You know these young pups. CHIEF Good attitude. Interview room 3. THEO Oh, good! LEONA [side of her mouth] Quick. SCENE 2 SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO what was that? LEONA It's June. THEO And? LEONA Happens about this time every year. THEO Why? LEONA Bridal feature pull-out? I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask! [commanding] Room 3. THEO Oh, right. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA You go first. THEO Right. [a beat] Holy cow! It's her! LEONA Chief doesn't move that fast. Especially in a train. THEO No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it? DALI 1 Is it safe here? THEO Why does everyone ask that? LEONA Who does he think you are? DALI 1 I'm - I'm Baby Dali. THEO I knew it! I love your music. LEONA We don't do publicity stunts. C'mon, Smoothie. SOUND HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS THEO We don't? LEONA Of course we do. When we arrange them. Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity. THEO Oh. But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days! LEONA Probably in rehab. THEO No! No one knows where she's been! If we could break the story-- SCENE 3 LARRY Hey! You'll never guess who I just took a call from! THEO Ratboy? LEONA State mental health board? LARRY [gloating] Baby Dali. She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story! THEO Wait, but she-- SOUND SLAP LEONA [covering] When did she call? LARRY Just now. THEO Where did she say she was? LARRY Hah! No way. This is MY scoop! [running away, laughing] My ticket out of the bullpen! [stops, turns back] Hah! THEO That's ... sad. LEONA Yeah. Send a stripper. Come on. THEO Where are we going? LEONA [exasperated] Room 3? THEO Aha! SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA Sorry about that. Had to do some quick fact checking. THEO Yeah! Make sure you're really.... [melting] Really her. DALI 1 Precisely the problem! Proving I'm her! I mean me. LEONA [muttered prompt] Oh? THEO [gasp] Oh? DALI 1 I'm plagued with posers! LEONA [sigh] Aren't the solid black sunglasses and white fright wig a bit of a giveaway? THEO [infatuated] I knew who you were the moment I saw you. DALI 1 You have a nice face. THEO I do? LEONA My colleague will now take notes. SOUND PEN, PAPER, SLAPPED DOWN THEO Yeah.... MUSIC SCENE 5 SOUND IN CAR THEO Where are we going? LEONA Following Larry. THEO Who? LEONA [disgusted sigh] THEO [getting it] Oh, him! How do we find him again? LEONA He hasn't left yet. THEO How do you know? LEONA I ordered donuts. DALI 1 Oh! LEONA Shh. You're not here, remember? DALI 1 [singing] I swear! THEO Why is she hiding in the back seat under your gym bag? LEONA One - so she won't be seen, since she won't take off that wig. DALI 1 It is my own hair! LEONA Like hell. I saw it shift. DALI 1 It is a wig - but it IS my own hair. LEONA [shudder] uhhhhh. THEO And two? LEONA Two what? THEO You said that was reason one. What's two? LEONA So you can focus, dumbass. THEO Oh. LEONA There he goes! Keep your eyes on the green Camaro. THEO Camaro? LEONA [growl] Green car. Coming out of the parking garage! THEO Gotcha. MUSIC SCENE 6 AMB PARK LARRY [giving a code phrase] The dog flies in the springtime. DALI 2 [squeaky] Yellow is the color of my true love's eyes. LARRY You sound... different. DALI 2 I use a voice modulator on stage. LARRY Ah. So. The world is listening. Tell me your story. DALI 2 Listening? Aren't you from the print media? LARRY Oh. Yeah. I was speaking figuratively. DALI 2 I see. Anyway... I have a really big story, but I have to be certain it will see print! LARRY Of course! SOUND FOOTSTEPS STORM UP DALI 1 Imposter! DALI 2 Imposter! LEONA [off, whispered] I thought you were watching her! THEO [vague] Uh-huh. LEONA Go get the story dumbass. THEO But you? LEONA I can take photos from here. THEO [vague] Okay. SOUND SLAP LEONA Did I mention I'm not giving warnings any more? LARRY [angry] You? No way! The tale of two Dalis is all mine! THEO I - we - brought one of them. LARRY Then dance with the Dali you came with! It's only fair! DALI 1 She's a fake! DALI 2 She's a fake! THEO Waitaminute. You don't even sound like-- BOTH DALIS Autotune!! DALI 3 [chiming in] Autotune. THEO Oh. Huh? Three? MUSIC SCENE 7 WAITRESS All, righty then - that will be 3 orders of waffles, three fruit cups- ALL DALIS It's the only thing vegan on the menu. WAITRESS And two pots of coffee. Comin right up! SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND DINER NOISES SOUND DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE SOUND LEONA [prompting] Ok, this isn't going to last forever - someone will say something, eventually, and then these three won't be an exclusive any more! LARRY Exclusive to all three of us. I get my credit, too. THEO Of course! Fair is fair. LEONA [muttered] I got your credit right here. DALI 1 Can we get on with this? DALI 2 I have a recording session in two hours. DALI 3 No, I do. DALI 1 How can they be so much like me? LEONA Ask them some questions - figure out which is the real one. THEO Right. Ok. Which of you is the real Baby Dali? ALL DALIS I am. DALI 3 Or should I say [singing] I am me and no one else is. LARRY Sounds convincing to me. LEONA I think that one's a guy. THEO That doesn't help... there's been "speculation" about Dali. LEONA [disgusted noise] Ugh! At least let me get some snaps while you think. SOUND TAKING PHOTOS THEO Gee, they even pose alike. LARRY I guess it will all come down to DNA. THEO I don't think so. Dali is a notorious germophobe, and a compulsive clean freak. [nervously over explaining] According to her official web page, which I only browsed for informational newspaper business reasons. LARRY Yeah, me too, but I didn't read much. Those costumes are pretty skimpy. THEO Don't be so creepy, not right in front of her - uh, them. SCENE 8 SOUND DOOR KICKED IN THEO Whoa! LARRY [faints] Uhhh... LEONA I'll be in the... uh... Corner. THEO Stop right there! MELODY You're not giving orders here! HARMONY Yeah. Get those hands up where we can see them. LEONA Keep them talking, this is great. THEO Talking? LEONA Find out what they want. THEO They're dressed like ninjas. MELODY What did you say? THEO Nothing! MELODY I heard you, and I have perfect pitch. THEO oh. Nothing ... uh... uncomplimentary. MELODY [getting closer] Do you know who we are? LEONA Say no. THEO Uh, no? and - and I don't want to, because that way I can never identify you or even report you for robbing a waffle house! MELODY [scoffing] Waffle house! HARMONY We care nothing for your waffles. THEO Uh, ok. ALL DALIS We're having the fruit cup. MELODY No. No fruit cup today. You are coming with us. Just you three. LEONA You can't just leave us here. We might-- [prompting] might--? THEO Uh, what? LEONA We might [prompting] do something? Ugh! THEO We might tell [heavy import] THEM. MELODY [horrified] How do you know about THEM? LEONA I'm actually impressed. THEO oh... Everyone knows about THEM. But only a select few know how to reach THEM. LEONA Smoothie. MELODY [grim] right. You will come with us as well. HARMONY What about the sleeping one? Does he know THEM? LEONA Oh, him? He doesn't know anyone. MUSIC SCENE 9 SOUND WALKING, ECHOEY MELODY Stop! THEO Can we take off the blindfolds now? MELODY Harmony! Take off the blindfolds. And search them. We don't want any messages getting to THEM. SOUND RUSTLING ALL DALIS [general interjections of annoyance like Hey! Stop! Ouch! Ooh!] HARMONY Give me your phone. LEONA Here. SOUND ZIP HARMONY What's this, in your bag? [confused, examining a camera] It has a lens like a phone, but it's awfully big. And it doesn't even have a keypad. LEONA Hmph. It's an antique. Keepsake. I keep meaning to have it mounted on a keychain. HARMONY It's big for a keychain. LEONA [exasperated] I'll never lose my keys. Besides, I still use the flash... uh - flashlight function sometimes. See? SOUND CAMERA SNAPS HARMONY Oh. Ok then. And you. THEO Be gentle. LEONA [sarcastic aside] Be careful. At least she left on the ninja mask. [up, to Theo] find out what's going on. THEO Harmony, is it? A codename, I'm sure, since you and your partner there are clearly too smart to use your real names in front of your victims - I mean in front of civilians. HARMONY [noncommittal grunt] Hmph. THEO All right. I'm not asking for me, but what do you plan to do with the Baby Dalis? I worry that something bad is going to happen. HARMONY Nothing bad. To them. THEO That's a lower case "them," right? Not a THEM them? MELODY Enough chit-chat! You probably know why we brought you here-- LEONA Not a clue. THEO No. MELODY We are the Secret Protectorate Aligned to Reduce or Control Leaching of Entertainers. THEO Leaching? Huh? MELODY We needed an "L". LEONA Sparcle? [snort of almost laughter] THEO Tell me more. I'm a good listener. MELODY You don't know it, friend, but there's a celebrity crisis happening every 20 minutes, and no one else is trying to help! THEO No? Really? MELODY That - those three - are proof of the latest perfidy the government has in the works. ALL DALIS We are? MELODY [definite] Cloning. THEO Wow. ALL DALIS Uh... DALI 3 [panicked] I need to use the bathroom. MUSIC SCENE 10 [Whispered conversation] DALI 1 Yes, my disappearance was a publicity stunt, and yes I am the real Baby Dali. LEONA Heh heh - just like To Tell The Truth. DALI 2 What? LEONA God I feel old. THEO And the other two - you and ... her? DALI 2 Professional Dali impersonator. I was just taking advantage of the vacuum left by her-- SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER DALI 3 [crying and running in] MELODY Do not worry, Baby Dalis, we are only here to liberate you and facilitate your re-entry into society. LEONA Like a celebrity dogpound. THEO Wait! MELODY What? THEO Uh-- LEONA Better make it truly, monumentally good. DALI 2 Way to take the pressure off. THEO Uh, what if I were to tell you I'm a reporter for the Weekly World Bugle? MELODY I would be forced to kill you. HARMONY We're not yet ready to reveal our manifesto to the world. THEO Ah. Good thing that would have been a ruse, then, eh? LEONA We're gonna die. THEO But you have to ask yourself, then, how DO I know about THEM? Moment of silence MELODY [cold] I don't have to ask anything. HARMONY [shocked] Melody! You know that we can't do that! [cut off] MELODY Shh!!! How do I even know that you know about THEM, eh? LEONA I do not want to die at the hands of bimbos named after the bugaloos. THEO [ominous but vague] Do you know about the government connection? MELODY [shocked] You know? THEO But it's not who you think it is. They want us to believe it's this department, or that [hinting] bureau, when ultimately... [trails off suggestively] HARMONY He does know! THEO The officials in question might just find themselves a little less able to sleep at night, if they knew that you knew that I know that THEY know just what's behind it all. MELODY Do you know the countersign? THEO Like that incident last month. [breaking his train] The what? LEONA [muttered] Bugaloos. THEO What? MELODY [suspicious] It almost sounds like you're one of us. Do you know the countersign? LEONA [muttered] Benita Bizarre? THEO Uh... Josie and the Pussycats? LEONA [exasperated] Damn! MELODY Welcome brother! LEONA [impressed] Damn! MUSIC SCENE 11 AMB DIFFERENT ROOM SOUND STEPS MELODY Don't speak yet. SOUND MUSIC TURNED ON MELODY It jams any listening device. THEO I love this song. MELODY It seemed fitting. [suddenly brisk] So. What do you know about the cloning project? THEO Uh... nothing specific. We've had our eye on suspicious activity for quite some time. MELODY Damn. I was hoping. THEO But-- MELODY What? THEO Well... I don't think they can be actual "clones". Don't they take years to grow? And Baby Dali only really got famous with her song "Treehouse victim" last year. MELODY You underestimate the cloning process. The technology is there. THEO Oh. But they're not... perfect copies...? MELODY That is the trickiest part. They are clearly mixing DNA. THEO Clearly? MELODY Yes. The squeaky one is probably mixed with that creepy chick from Poultergeist. THEO Ri-i-ight. And the other? MELODY [definite] Morgan Freeman. THEO Uh, yeah. SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN HARMONY (breathless) We've found more! There must have been a breach at the Baby Dali containment center! THEO Containment Center? MELODY They had to breed them some place. THEO Tell me, do you guys see a lot of Elvises? MELODY How many? THEO Thousands. MELODY No, I mean how many Babys have we found? HARMONY Four more, and another 8 possible sightings. THEO That's a lot of Dalis. MUSIC SCENE 12 SOUND DOOR OPENS, SCUFFLE SUDDENLY STOPS SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS THEO What are you doing? DALI 2 I want to take this all off and get them to let me go! But they won't let me! LEONA Naked? That'll be a photo op. DALI 2 Just the makeup and wig! DALI 1 Never tarnish the illusion. THEO Don't! Their belief in this clone thing might be the only thing keeping us all alive. DALI 3 Besides, I can't take it off - I've had surgery. THEO [creeped out] Oh? DALI 3 For my FACE. Not down there. That's probably what started all the rumors. DALI 1 I love the rumors. DALI 3 [starstruck] You do? Really? LEONA Shh! SOUND SILENCE, DOOR OPENS HARMONY Get in there! SOUND SEVERAL PAIRS OF FEET LEONA More? THEO Oh, yeah. They've been finding more of them. SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS DALI 4 They took me right off the stage! DALI 5 I was on a date. DALI 7 Busking…

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19 Nocturne Boulevard's reissue of the week: CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! Nov 03, 2022

Show notes

Rookie newshound Theo Walsh is sent on his first job for the World Bugle (provider of hard-hitting news about Elvis, aliens, and the paranormal) Oh, my! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo Walsh - Henry Mark Leona Pope - Robyn Keyes Selena Hempstead - Karena Fredrick Chief - Julie Hoverson Child - Chandra Wade Truth - Melissa Pang Justice - Jerry Bennett Hygiene - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Bruce, the Bounty Hunter - Joel Harvey Sidekick - Reynaud Leboeuf Awesome Guest appearance by Bryan, Dave, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie Podcast as the other reporters!!! Episode Music: Josh Woodward (www.joshwoodward.com) 19 Nocturne theme - Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bullpen - this is where the NEWS happens. *********************************************************************** CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Selena Hempstead, the mother Theo Walsh, cub reporter Leona Pope, jaded old hand photographer Justice, older male cultist Hygiene, stern female cultist Truth, sweet female cultist Chief, Editor of the Monthly Bugle Reporters Bryan, Dave, Randy and Wes Bruce the bounty hunter Thug, his sidekick Child OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a bullpen, can't you tell? This is where the news happens. MUSIC SOUND PASSING THROUGH A NOISY NEWSROOM REPORTER BRYAN [on phone] We can't do anything about that unless Elvis actually spoke to you. He did? Can your dog verify that? REPORTER WES [on phone] Right, I got that, but the beans - you have to eat them raw for the diet to work? Isn't that kind of crunchy? REPORTER RANDY Do you have any pictures? Was the alien wearing the leather bunny suit while it was impregnating you? REPORTER DAVE How do you know the post-it was placed on your fridge by aliens? SOUND DOOR OPENS, NOISE CONTINUES UNDER THEO Hello? Boss? LEONA Come on in. THEO Cool! SOUND DOOR SHUTS, NOISE CUT OUT THEO Hey! I'm super excited to have this chance to-- LEONA Save it. I'm not the guy. Editor'll be back in a moment. THEO Oh! Well, I'm Theo. SOUND FLUSH LEONA Whatever you do, don't stare. THEO Stare? SOUND DOOR OPENS, HANDS WIPING ON TOWEL CHIEF All right - oh you're here, good. THEO Um - yeah, I'm so excited to have this chance to-- CHIEF Save it. I got your resume. Right, Theo - Theo.... SOUND PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED THEO Walsh? CHIEF You don't sound all that sure. Not a bad name, though kinda normal. How about we give you a nickname - Flash! No, that doesn't work with Walsh. Zip? LEONA I'll see what fits. What's the job? CHIEF Yeah, yeah. Ok, Theo Walsh with a journalism degree from West Podunk Community College, meet Leona Pope - she'll keep you from hurting yourself or making the Bugle liable. LEONA Mostly I just take your photos. THEO So, what are we going to be working on--? CHIEF Theo. Leona. E-O. There you go. You're the E-O team now - no, no - even better - Team E-O. LEONA Whatever. CHIEF All business, eh, doll? Right, then. Look, Theo, my family has run this magazine for three generations. THEO [eager] Oh, yes - I know! LEONA [heavy sigh] Newb. THEO This newspaper brings the most cutting edge stories to life every week! LEONA You actually believe that? CHIEF Shut it. Go on. THEO Well, I've followed the World Bugle for years - and I do realize that a lot of the material in here is puff - or straight out made up stuff-- CHIEF What!? THEO [backpedaling] No! no - let me explain! I understand completely - to be able to print the hard cold truth about the really controversial topics, like UFOs and the paranormal, you have to fill in the bulk of the magazine with implausibilities, just so that the real truth only reaches the people who already understand! CHIEF Hmph. Yeah. Something like that. LEONA [wicked chuckle] CHIEF Anyway. I've got a sauna and massage, followed by a mani-pedi at noon, so let's get you moving-- I have an informant in room 3. Have fun. THEO I'm so excited about this-- LEONA Come on. SOUND PHONE PICKED UP CHIEF Yeah, Sergei? Oh yeah, that sounds real nice... SOUND DOOR OPENS, NEWSROOM NOISE LEONA Left. SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO Wh-what did you mean, don't stare? LEONA At the Chief. THEO He looks just like any other big newspaper editor. LEONA You missed it? THEO You mean the comb-over and five o'clock shadow? The mole? The flabby man-boobs? LEONA Woman-boobs. THEO [shuddering] Oh.... SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP THEO After you. LEONA You're the reporter. You go first. [ominous] Always. THEO You make that sound like a bad thing. LEONA I've been in the biz for 20 years and I've been teamed up 73 times. You do the math. THEO Oh. SOUND DOOR OPENS THEO Hello. Um, I'm Theo-- LEONA Wink. THEO [boggled] What? LEONA Trying out nicknames. THEO Not right now. SELENA Hello? THEO Yes, sorry. I'm Theo. This is Leona. SELENA Is it safe here? THEO Um-- SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO [shrug] Yeah. [brightly] So you have a story for us? SELENA Yes, but - there's a life at stake. THEO [eager] Really? SELENA [trying not to cry] My... baby. THEO Oh! Here-- SOUND TISSUE BOX GRABBED AND MOVED, TISSUE PULLED SELENA [blows her nose] They took him--! THEO Aliens? SELENA No. Worse. THEO Scientologists? SELENA [dry, not crying] Oh, please. [sniffling again] Cultists. THEO Other cultists? SELENA [annoyed] Yes - are you--? Um, is there another reporter I can talk to? THEO Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure I get my facts straight. LEONA [musing] Straight. Arrow. Shooter. THEO What? LEONA Nothing. But I think you got your first headline right there. THEO I do? LEONA [important] CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! MUSIC, BUT SELENA [over music] Did you say his first? MUSIC ENDS SOUND CAR NOISES THEO [narrating] So team E-O made their way to the lair of the cultists. LEONA Town. THEO They have a whole town? LEONA Were you narrating? SOUND TAPE RECORDER TURNED OFF, HIDDEN THEO Me, no. Why? Is that bad? LEONA I worked with a guy who narrated once. Once. THEO [gulp] Oh. Well. What's the name of this town? LEONA Where were you during the interview? THEO I was there - I even took notes. LEONA How many shirt buttons did she have open? THEO [dreamy] four. LEONA [sigh] THEO Right, um-- SOUND FLIPPING PAGES THEO Wow. [reading] I don't remember any of this. LEONA Automatic writing? THEO How do you think I got through college? SOUND FLIPS ONE MORE PAGE THEO Aha! Sorry - nope. I didn't get the name. Just wrote "Town." LEONA Yup. THEO What? LEONA The name was "town". Apparently they're big on using the "true names" of things. THEO Bet that's easy to find on a map. MUSIC LEONA [flat] Wow. [sucks in air] Just... wow. THEO It's so...clean. And everyone looks kind of ... normal. LEONA What were you expecting? Black robes and facial tattoes? THEO Um... yeah. TRUTH May I help you? THEO um--? LEONA All yours. THEO [gulps] Right. [deep breath, blows out] Right. We're ...uh... LEONA Smooth. That should be your nickname. Smoothie. THEO ...scouting for a new smoothie bar. Our Smoothie bar company...um... Groovy Smoothie ...is looking for new locations. LEONA Not too dusty. TRUTH Wow. That would be lovely. But you'd have to use all natural ingredients. We're very back to nature here. THEO I noticed. The all-cotton clothes. The non-synthetic shoes and accessories. LEONA Metrosexual. TRUTH Are you sure you just noticed, or have you been doing your homework? THEO Um... While I'd love to say I was bright enough-- LEONA So would I. THEO --to look ahead, I really just noticed. TRUTH That's still good. Why don't we walk and you can tell me more about your smoothies? LEONA I'll just snap some pics. For the folks back home. You two kids talk. THEO Yeah. Sure! MUSIC AMB IN CAR, DRIVING LEONA [exasperated sigh] I sure hope you were taking notes. She was too cute for your ears to work. THEO If she's an example, I can't believe they're any kind of BAD cult. LEONA Dickhead. THEO What? LEONA Just addressing your thinking end. THEO No, I'm not... that kind of guy! She's sweet. [beat] I'm really not! LEONA Yeah, yeah. What did miss pretty poison have to say? THEO Truth. LEONA Pushover. THEO No, her name's Truth. They go in for-- LEONA Those literal names, right. THEO Yup. Anyway, I couldn't ask about kidnapped kids, being in the smoothie business, but I think I got some good notes about the layout of the place. LEONA Where do they keep the kids? SOUND FLIPPING PAGES THEO Well, they actually take in a lot of foster kids in this town. Apparently, they think of it as a holy cause - working with troubled children. LEONA Vulnerable and open to manipulation. Or already so messed up, they can't complain. THEO No! They work on healing their psychic wounds. LEONA Her words? THEO Yes.... LEONA Did she try and sell you on the religion? THEO [trying to change the subject] Uh, is it much further to the motel? LEONA [resigned, commanding] Show me. SOUND PAMPHLET PULLED FROM POCKET THEO It's research. LEONA Right. Cuz they'd want a smoothie shop run by a non-believer. THEO I actually told her that the company's policy was to bring in a manager, but hire everyone else locally - then, if someone local was able to take over, the company would be happy to-- LEONA McDoggies? THEO What? LEONA Where you worked your way through college? THEO Oh. Yeah. Actually ...um... let's just say I can't stand the smell of coffee any more. LEONA Oh-ho! MUSIC [whispered conversation] SOUND CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES THEO Thanks for coming along! LEONA Are you joking? This is how I get my best pictures. You go first. THEO Right. This should be about where the orphanage office is-- LEONA Shh! SOUND INDISTINCT VOICES THEO [whispered] Just a bit closer. HYGIENE [normal, but off] ...utterly unruly. We have had to use... very stringent techniques. THEO [whispered] Brainwashing! LEONA [whispered] Listen now - talk later! JUSTICE [normal but off] You have all my faith, Hygiene. You know how vital your part in this is. THEO [whispered] I wish I had a tape recorder. LEONA [whispered] Hand. THEO [whispered] Huh? SOUND SLAPS SOMETHING INTO HIS HAND SOUND THUMP ON MIKE as it segues into a recording. EVERYTHING NOT NOTED IS ON THE RECORDING LEONA [whispered] It's already running. THEO [whispered] But it's so small-- LEONA [whispered] I'm gonna slap you. THEO [whispered] Right! SOUND FUMBLING WITH THE MIKE LEONA [now] I still plan to slap you. THEO [now] Um, OK. [bracing himself] Go on. LEONA [now] Uh-uh [no]. More fun if you don't see it coming. BACK TO THE TAPE unless noted THEO Which end do I-- Ow! SOUND SLAP LEONA See? Just get it near the window. [fading out] It picks up everything. THEO [off] okay. HYGIENE [fading in] running all over the place, breaking things, and causing havoc. JUSTICE That WOULD be more predictable. HYGIENE But Lucifer just sits and stares wrathfully! He is completely placid when you move him, but he won't respond to commands! THEO [real] Lucifer? What happened to the whole true names thing? JUSTICE Docility has its place. LEONA [real] Maybe he has to graduate first or something. HYGIENE It is unnatural in a child this age. JUSTICE Perhaps it is time for... extreme measures. HYGIENE Give me one more week before we subject him to that? JUSTICE There isn't time. We have to break him, Hygiene. Make him ours. HYGIENE Very well, father justice. Your word is my command. SOUND TAPE CLICKS OFF, BACK TO REAL AMB HOTEL ROOM. THUMPING NOISES AND BEDSPRINGS FROM NEXT DOOR THEO Wow. LEONA Yeah. [beat] They've been at it for nearly an hour now. THEO No, I mean the tape. [beat] It sounds horrible. LEONA Course it does. THEO Can you imagine the leg cramps you would get? LEONA The tape? THEO Right. So, we have to get that kid out of there! LEONA And you've been smoking, what? THEO Huh? LEONA We report the news. We don't make it. THEO But how can we leave a poor defenseless child in the hands of ... those people? LEONA Easy. We drive away, file the story, and then come back in a year to file another story about how the kid is growing up in the cult. Then a five year follow up, a tenth anniversary... THEO No. How about this - intrepid reporter bravely rescues child from abductors? You can't say that's not a prime story! LEONA Hmph. Yes, but-- THEO But? LEONA [evil sweet] How about this? Dumbass rookie newshound shot dead trying to break into secret cult enclave. THEO Oh. MUSIC AMB BAR THEO What do I do here? LEONA Mingle. Try not to get carded more than once, peach fuzz. THEO Shouldn't we be getting ready for the drive home? LEONA [sigh] Local color. Trying to see what the nearby folks think of the people up in Town. THEO Really? LEONA And half price jello shooters. It IS ladies' night. [commanding] You're driving. THEO Leona? Leo? Oh, crap. TRUTH Smoothie man! THEO Uh, yeah. Yes. Truth. Nice to see you - not the kind of place - um - TRUTH [teasing] Where you usually find much truth? THEO Right. [laughs unconvincingly] Yeah. Aren't you supposed to be all holy or something? I mean - darn it - I mean, not drinking and carousing or anything? TRUTH Carousing? I didn't think anyone used that word any more. THEO Writers do. I mean, I write. Stuff. TRUTH Like? THEO Like? TRUTH Stuff like what? THEO uh [wobbles] Greeting cards? TRUTH Lots of...carousing... in greeting cards. THEO [fumbling, but gaining strength] I don't plan to write greeting cards forever. [shakes himself back to the present] But why are you here? TRUTH We believe in being as real as possible. Having fun is very real. And no, we don't drink, but we do dance and occasionally even sing karaoke. THEO [terrified] Karry-[gulp]-oke? TRUTH Thursdays. You're in "no danger, Will Robinson." THEO So you don't believe a sense of humor is wrong either. TRUTH Nope. SHIFT THROUGH THE BAR, MUSIC GETS LOUDER AT THIS END LEONA [slurry, drunk] Jes one more - green's my flavorite. BRUCE One more and you're gonna be flat on the floor, babe. LEONA On top o' you. BRUCE [chuckles] This floor is dirty - we gotta perfectly nice carpet back at our hotel. LEONA [a bit sharper] "We?" BRUCE Me and my partner. LEONA I don't shwing that way. BRUCE Nah - not like that! We work together. That's him over there with the redheaded triplets hanging on his every word. LEONA The viking? What kind of work you do? BRUCE [sexy whisper] Promise you won't tell? LEONA Crosh my heart. BRUCE That's not your heart. LEONA Oh yeah? I got hearts all over the place. BRUCE Ooh. Well, we're-- [glances around] Bounty hunters. LEONA Like the guy on TV? BRUCE Well I'm single, but yeah. LEONA You gonna apprehend someone? BRUCE Something like that. But the only one I want to get my hands on tonight is you. LEONA Mmm. I gotta hit the catbox. Be back after I scratch. BRUCE I'll get you more .... green. LEONA Oh, yeah. MUSIC SWELLS FOR A SECOND, THEN SLOWS TO A DANCE TRUTH You're a very nice guy, Smoothie. THEO It's ...Theo. TRUTH We like names that describe people. THEO I'm really not all that... smooth. TRUTH Feels like it from here. LEONA [not sounding the least bit drunk] We're going. THEO What? TRUTH At least let us finish this dance. LEONA Sorry, babe. Duty calls. THEO Smoothie duty. TRUTH What--? SOUND DOOR SLAMS MUSIC CUTS OUT AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT THEO What was all that? LEONA We need to get out of here. [moving slightly away] THEO Out of town? LEONA Out of the line of fire. SOUND CAR DOOR DOOTS LEONA It's a setup. SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS THEO Wha…

Full show notes at the publisher

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: GHOST OF A CHANCE Oct 27, 2022

Show notes

A girl living in a haunted house must find a way to protect her way of life.. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Eden - Jaiden Douwes Henry - Danar Hoverson Callandra - Julie Hoverson Frederick! - Reynaud LeBoeuf Ethan - Scott Douwes Mrs. Sherman - Angela Kirby Garth Sherman - Luke LeBoeuf News - Suzanne Dunn Henry's Mom - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Sound mastering: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Dennis Hager "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an old brownstone home, can't you tell? Where else would you expect to find ... a couple of ghosts? *************************************************************** A Ghost of a Chance Cast: Eden Anderson, precocious 11-year old Ethan Anderson, her dead father, 47 Callandra O'Doul, dead Irish maidservant, 20 Henry Torrence, burglar, 23 Frederick Ferryman, dead actor, 40s-50s Ms. Sherman, CPS, 32 Garth Sherman, her son, a bully, 13 News [anything] OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a big old brownstone, can't you tell? Where else would you find a ghost or two? SCENE 1 – coming home MUSIC SOUNDS MODERN STREET NOISE. SOUND WE FOLLOW THROUGH A CREAKY GATE. STREET NOISE QUIETS A BIT. FOOTSTEPS ON LEAVES, THEN ON WOOD PORCH. KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS PASS THROUGH. SCENE 2 – HALLWAY AND KITCHEN EDEN Hey! I'm home! SOUND BACKPACK FLUNG ONTO TABLE. DOOR SHUTS AND IS CAREFULLY LOCKED. CALLANDRA You're going to have to do some shopping soon, miss. We're almost out of soap powder. EDEN [sigh] I'll put it on the list. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, THEY HESITATE, THEN STOP EDEN What? Move it. I'm tired. CALLANDRA [evasive] You're looking a mite peaked. You could use a bite to eat. Come into the kitchen and have some soup. EDEN [slightly suspicious] O-kay... SOUND MODERN JAZZ, PLAYED LOW, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED EDEN Dad's not at the videos again is he? SOUND OPENING CUPBOARDS, CANS BEING PULLED OUT AND PLACED ON THE COUNTER CALLANDRA [not quite convincing] No. EDEN Then why don't you want me to go upstairs? SOUND POP TOP ON CAN, SOUP INTO BOWL CALLANDRA Whatever gave you that idea--? EDEN Oh, please. CALLANDRA Can I not just be concerned about you? Someone has to be! SOUND MICROWAVE OPENS, FOOD IN, SETTING TIME EDEN I'm fine. SOUND TURNS ON MICROWAVE MUSIC SCENE 3 – A BIT LATER AMBIANCE TELEVISION PLAYS LOW IN THE BACKGROUND News ....was stolen from the J.J. Holdings museum at the university today. The vase is attributed to the school of Cellini, and has been valued at nearly half a million dollars. SOUND CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP EDEN Hey Ariel. ... Nothing. Look, I've been thinking about-- SOUND THUMPING ON CEILING EDEN --trying out... for... Can you wait a minute, Ariel? SOUND HOLD BUTTON IS PRESSED SOUND DOOR OPENS. STEPS INTO FOYER, SLIGHT ECHO SOUND THUMPING FROM ABOVE. A COUPLE OF RAPID STEPS. SOUND [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] CALLANDRA Oh no, miss. EDEN Yeah? Stop me. It's not dad - I can hear his computer going, and it's not you, since you're right here. Maybe Frederick? [yelling] Frederick? CALLANDRA [worried] Oh... SOUND [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] FREDERICK [overly theatrical, as always] Enter stage right. Yeeeees? CALLANDRA See, it's all gone now-- SOUND THUMPING FROM ABOVE CALLANDRA [dismay] Ooh! EDEN [grim] What is it? FREDERICK Shall I make a recon, my young commander? EDEN Oh! Shoot! SOUND BEEP ON PHONE EDEN Gotta call you back, Ariel. Yeah, it's dad. SOUND PHONE HANGS UP EDEN Callandra? You want to explain-- SOUND DOORBELL RINGS. WHOOSH [GHOSTS LEAVING] EDEN [exasperated sound] Uuh! SOUND STAMPING FEET, CHAIN LOCK GOES ON EDEN [sighs] SOUND DOOR OPENS EDEN [sweetly] Yes? SHERMAN Good evening. Are your parents around? EDEN My father is asleep. He hasn't been feeling very well. SHERMAN I think he'll want to speak to me. FREDERICK [whisper] Why? Is she covered in chocolate? EDEN [gritted teeth] Maybe when he's feeling better. Can he call you? SHERMAN Here's my card. EDEN Oh. CALLANDRA What's C-P-S? Does that mean she's with the coppers? EDEN What's this about? I would invite you in, but-- SHERMAN No, I understand. Safety first. [serious] There's been a complaint. EDEN By who? FREDERICK [booming voice] Whom. EDEN I mean - by whom? SHERMAN I'll discuss all that with your father. Please do have him call me. [going off] All my info's on the card. EDEN [calling] Thanks - uh - Ms. Sherman. SOUND DOOR SHUTS EDEN Oh, shoot! CALLANDRA Now, it's not that bad. Is it? FREDERICK Of course it is. CPS are the child police service. They arrest bad little children. CALLANDRA The devil you say! Oh, Eden, tell me darling! They won't arrest you! EDEN They don't - but they do take children away from the wrong type of home environment. CALLANDRA [relieved] Ohhh! We're safe enough then. EDEN [as if] Ri-ight. SOUND THUMPING EDEN Are you going to tell me, or do I just get to find out for myself? CALLANDRA Oh, my stars... MUSIC SCENE 4 - UPSTAIRS SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS HENRY [gasps] Jeez! About flipping time! You ever hear of unlawful imprisonment? EDEN I've heard of burglary. HENRY You're kinda small for a cop. EDEN [exasperated noise] Dude. You can come out now, but just so you know, I've got a taser. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS EDEN [gasps, shocked] You look like--! HENRY Got my hands up, all that. [quoting] Don't tase me, [ending lamely] uh, bro. SOUND A COUPLE MORE STEPS, THEN HENRY [grunt as he lunges at her] SOUND SCUFFLE. FALLING FURNITURE, SOMETHING BREAKS, THEN... FREDERICK [unearthly wail] HENRY [screams, then gibbers until noted] SOUND SOMETHING SMALL CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR EDEN I hate when you do that! That is so gross! [tsk, annoyed sigh] You coulda left your head on... FREDERICK [huffy] It was effective. EDEN [sigh] You. What's your name? HENRY [gibbering] ...head came off, and cold, so cold! SOUND SLAP HENRY [sharp intake of breath] Wha-ah-ah? EDEN Your name, mister burglar. HENRY Henry. Henry Torrence. [whispered] What the heck was that? EDEN A ghost. Now, Mister Torrence, I suppose I'm gonna have to tie you up or something, so you don't try and jump me again-- HENRY Howzabout just letting me - ya know - go? EDEN You broke in. I have to do something, and I really don't want to have to deal with the cops - they'll bother dad. HENRY Look, I never hurt no one, I ain't the type. I swear! EDEN Still... I think you need to stay locked up for a while. CALLANDRA Can I keep him? Please? I caught him! FREDERICK Shut up woman, we may be able to use this fellow's services. EDEN [ordering] March! I'll put you somewhere better than that closet, but you better stay put or - FREDERICK Boooooo! HENRY [gasps] EDEN [unenthusiastically] Yeah, that. Boo. MUSIC SCENE 5 - DOWNSTAIRS CALLANDRA What do you plan to do with him? Please say I can have him for me own - he's such a fine specimen of a man. EDEN If you keep him, I have to feed him. CALLANDRA Well... not necessarily... EDEN No. No. No. I'm not having any more ghosts around here. CALLANDRA You never let me have any fun! EDEN Besides, didn't you notice the resemblance? CALLANDRA To a man? SOUND WHOOSH, FF ENTERS FREDERICK Our dear Callandra never looked above his [mocking her accent] "luuuvly broad shoulders!" CALLANDRA Bite your tongue, Frederick! I still have those clippings of yours, and you will sorely regret having a jape at my expense-- EDEN Shut up! MUSIC SCENE 6 – BREAKFAST IN BED SOUND MORNING BIRD NOISES SOUND MUFFLED THUMP, RATTLE AT DOORKNOB HENRY [yawns, waking] SOUND CHAIN RATTLES, BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE EDEN [muffled] Are you awake? HENRY Yeah, sure. Whatever. SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH DIFFICULTY SOUND EDEN ENTERS WITH TRAY EDEN I hope you like bacon. HENRY Uh, yeah! [surprised and enthused] SOUND SHIFTING AS HE SITS UP IN BED, CHAIN MOVES HENRY Thanks. Breakfast in bed. Almost like a dream, except-- SOUND RATTLE OF CHAINS CALLANDRA [snarky] Well, we can't have you wandering around the house like some sort of ... burglar, can we? HENRY Does she need to be here? SOUND SETS DOWN TRAY, DISHES RATTLE EDEN She's my backup. I need to talk to you. HENRY [annoyed] Go ahead. I don't eat with my ears. SOUND EATING NOISES EDEN [snort of laughter] This is going to sound really dumb, but... [thinks hard] I have a kind of proposition for you. HENRY [offended] You are way too young, and she's dead. EDEN Huh? CALLANDRA Shame on you! HENRY Nothing. [eats noisily] EDEN Ew! [angry sigh] Look, no. My dad is out of town, and I need someone to pretend to be him and talk to CPS. HENRY CPS? The CPS? Hell no. I hate those bast‑‑ uh-- buttheads. EDEN Why? You got kids? HENRY Never mind. No way you can talk me into-- EDEN We'll pay you. HENRY --into-- How much? EDEN Dad said we could give you a thousand. For staying here for two weeks and pretending to be him. HENRY He's not coming home for two weeks? [truly offended] What the hell is wrong with him, leaving you all alone? CALLANDRA Language!! HENRY I don't give a flying rat's patoot about my language! If your dad is so flipping negligent to leave you all alone for weeks at a time, [losing steam] then maybe you'd be ... better off-- EDEN [anguish] In foster care? No way!! HENRY Well, no, but... don't you have any other family? EDEN [mumbled] Not anywhere around here. HENRY [sincere] That sucks! EDEN Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but my dad... He [whispers importantly] he works for the government. Top secret. HENRY Seriously? EDEN Uh-huh! So he can't always control when he'll be back. HENRY Why would he - why would you even trust me? EDEN You won't get paid until after the two weeks is up. Besides... I'm a pretty good cook? HENRY Okay, but I have to be able to tell my mom. She'll worry if I don't get home. EDEN You live with your mom? But you're like a grownup. That's weird. HENRY Why do you think I don't have a real job? MUSIC SCENE 7 – MEETING CPS FREDERICK [sharp whisper] Now you just behave now, my lad, or I'll give you what for again. HENRY [trying to be flippant] "Boo." I get it. This makeup itches. EDEN Sorry. You had to look a little older. HENRY It is kinda creepy how I look so much like your dad. EDEN Yeah. [fretting] Where IS she? SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR CALLANDRA Eep! EDEN [to the ghosts] Scat! [quiet] Ready? HENRY Guess we'll find out. SOUND FEET, DOOR UNLOCKS and OPENS EDEN Hello? Ah. Right on time. SHERMAN Your father--? EDEN Right here. Come on in. HENRY [trying too hard to sound old] Ethan Anderson. Pleased to meet you. You're Ms. Sherman? EDEN [warning] Dad! [explaining] He's had a cold. SHERMAN [warm] Ah! I hope you're on the mend? HENRY [clears his throat, sounds more normal] Yes, yes. Much better. MUSIC SCENE 8 – WAITING IN THE KITCHEN SOUND FLAP OF KITCHEN DOOR, FEET CALLANDRA [very nervous] How goes it? EDEN Seems OK, so far. HENRY [off, furious] What? EDEN Oh no! SOUND RUNS OFF, FLAP OF DOOR EDEN [breathless] What? HENRY [grim] Tell her. SHERMAN [sweet] My dear, um, Eden. I was just telling your father that your school has raised issues about your father's involvement-- EDEN Why? He emails them all the time. They understand how busy he is. SHERMAN We still have to take it under advisement. Now, off the record, and with the understanding that you, sir, are a fairly wealthy man, I might ask why you haven't engaged a nanny or other similar household staff-- EDEN [QUIET, prompting] DAD! HENRY [angry] What business is it of yours, lady? SHERMAN Perhaps you should step out and leave us alone again, dear. EDEN No. I may be too young for my opinion to count, but I want to hear what you plan to do to me. We don't need anyone to look after the house. I can do that. SHERMAN But you shouldn't have to - you are a child, dear, and you have better things to do. EDEN Like what? Play Xbox and get fat? MUSIC SCENE 9 – AFTER SHE LEAVES SOUND FRONT DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS HENRY You have 20 million dollars? EDEN And a half. Not like I can spend it. They don't trust me - that's why they call it a trust fund. HENRY [snort] SOUND SHE STARTS UP THE STAIRS HENRY Hey, we're talking here. EDEN [upset] You're only my dad while there's an audience. HENRY [calling] Why don't you want a nanny or something? SOUND RUNS UP THE STAIRS CALLANDRA Poor child. HENRY [gasps] Oh, right. CALLANDRA Pity you're not much of a father. HENRY [offended] You're not much help, either. CALLANDRA Oh? And what do you expect from me? I've been dead over a century, boyo. HENRY How's that work, anyway? CALLANDRA [pouty] Don't know. Wouldn't tell you if I did. HENRY Fine. Whatever. You have anything to drink around this place? CALLANDRA [rolls eyes] Oh, yes. That would look terrible good to Ms. Sherman, wouldn't it? HENRY I'm going out for a while. Don't worry - I'll sneak out the back. I'm good at THAT. MUSIC SCENE 10 – HENRY'S HOME SOUND DOOR OPENS, MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND HENRY [sigh, then calling] Hey mom! MOM [bleary drunk] Baby? That you? HENRY [resigned] Yes, mom. MOM Where you been? HENRY I gotta job, mom. Been working. MOM You bring me back a little something, baby? Medicine? HENRY [down] Tomorrow. I promise. MOM [sarcastic] Such a good boy. You gon' expect me to bail you out again? You need to get you some better friends, baby. HENRY I'm not a baby, mom. I'm thirty-five. MOM You'll always be my baby, Henry, won't you? You know how much I count on you. How much it hurts every time you been taken away from me. What would I do if you were in jail? Do you ever think about that? HENRY Yeah. [under his breath] All the time. MUSIC SCENE 11 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND COMPUTER KEYS SOUND DOOR OPENS HENRY Eden? EDEN [gasps] What? Oh! You're back! SOUND FOOTSTEPS HENRY You shouldn't sit in the dark like that. EDEN [sarcastic] Thanks dad. [serious] I've been chatting with my real dad. HENRY I didn't hear anything, if that's what you're worried about. EDEN Duh. Computer chatting. HENRY Typing. Right. I'm not much for the whole computer thing. EDEN That could be awkward, if Ms. Sherman decides to quiz you on what you do for a living. Dad's a programmer. HENRY For the government? EDEN [scornful] No! [realizing] Oh, I mean... uh... he's a programmer for real, but he doesn't program for them. HENRY [suspicious] Can I type something to him? EDEN Sure. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, CLUMSY, SLOW TYPING EDEN Is this a secret, or can I type it for you? HENRY Yeah, go on - at this rate I'll be here all night just to say Hi. Um... [thinking] Mister... uh ... can I call him Ethan? EDEN [responding to dad] All right. He says let's turn on the microphone. SOUND CLICK EDEN Now you can just talk. He still has to type, though. His mike is broken. HENRY I don't know you, so maybe I'm not the one who should be saying this, but - here goes. Dude, leaving your kid alone makes you a bad dad. So what if the government needs you! EDEN You're... serious? HENRY Hell yeah. You're gonna grow up robbing banks and stuff. EDEN Hmm. He says, just because your dad was a deadbeat, doesn't mean -- HENRY What the hell do you think you know? EDEN He says-- HENRY I can see what he says. Background check, my ass! EDEN I told you he's a computer guy. HENRY Fine. You need to take care of-- EDEN Don't tell me how to raise my daughter. Oh, and he says "watch"-- SOUND [some CCTV video comes on the computer] HENRY [shocked] How did he get that? EDEN Is that you? Breaking into a building? Wow. Wait, is that the museum? HENRY So th…

Full show notes at the publisher

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: THE PERFECT PIGEON Oct 20, 2022

Show notes

A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold Music by Laché Swing (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers) with help from Steve Guy "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?" *********************************************************************** THE PERFECT PIGEON Cast: Announcer Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon Butler, discreet and very well trained THE PERFECT PIGEON MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ OLIVIA What do you mean what kind of place is it? Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1 THE CLUB ROOM SOUND RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM ALGY Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD. BART [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third? "Had"? Hold on, shh! [beat] No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly-- ALGY Hush! Do you want to hear the story or not? BART [teasing] I dunno - do I? ALGY You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to. BART [knowing smirk] "Art"? ALGY Yes. I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness-- BART Male or Female? ALGY Female, of course! You know which direction my loveliness runs. A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse. BART There is something to be said for centaurs. ALGY She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings. BART [chuckles expectantly] A-ha! ALGY Well, I am! And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs. BART Someone with no affiliation to bat for. ALGY Correct. [sigh] She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse? There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land! BART Better you than me. I loathe the country. ALGY You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club. BART Very true. [arch] Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club. That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand. Shall we? ALGY I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind. I may have ...work... to do later. BART Oh-ho!! SOUND GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS BUTLER Sir? BART Drinks, please. G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of. BUTLER Excellent selections, sir. SOUND DOOR CLOSES ALGY [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for. BART True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice. Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does. ALGY Indispensible. BART I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl? ALGY Harriet Carter-Nelson. Last heir of some family or other. Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder. Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place. BART Items in the "canvas" line, I assume? ALGY Precisely. SOUND TAP AT THE DOOR BART Come in. SOUND BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES ALGY [sips] Perfect. Gem of a man. BART Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance. ALGY Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you? BART Certainly. [drinks] Now, the canvasses. ALGY After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset. BART You paint such pictures with your words. ALGY I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that. Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived. More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door. BART NOT a butler, then? ALGY No. There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival. BART Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn't make one wait an half hour for her entrance? I like her already. ALGY [rueful] As do I. She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again. Everything about her seemed so natural. So genuine. MUSIC TRANSITION SCENE 2 OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND FROGS, NIGHT NOISES HARRIET I'm so pleased you found it! Come in, come in! Oh, no wait - sorry. You should turn your car around before the light goes. Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark. ALGY I'll be perfectly fine. HARRIET [mock sigh] Your funeral. Come along. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS ALGY I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands. HARRIET Oh, there isn't. Not really. But I love it out here. The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year. Between mold season and mosquito season. ALGY [laughs] BART [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings. ALGY [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you? BART [VO] One more moment, then. Proceed. HARRIET There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation. [drops the banter] I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house. [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy? ALGY I shall do the best for you that I can. ALGY [VO] And I would. Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it. BART [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot? HARRIET It's very kind of you. ALGY Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course. HARRIET Of course. Right through here. MUSIC SCENE 3 THE CLUB ROOM SOUND ALGY DRINKS ALGY [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic. BART Strong word. ALGY Strong feeling. The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes. BART Limp? ALGY Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty". BART Good night. And after such a long drive! ALGY And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face. The light going out in her hazel eyes. MUSIC SCENE 4 INSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK HARRIET That bad? ALGY I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American. Not more. HARRIET Oh. ALGY It happens to the best of us. ALGY [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes. BART [VO] Reading her shoulders? On a first date? [chuckles] ALGY I-I-- Perhaps I should... go? HARRIET No. [coming to a decision, almost teary] I... Can I trust you? ALGY Goodness, would anyone say no to that? HARRIET [burst of laughter] Goodness be blowed! I'm going to take a chance. People have said good things about you. Come along. SOUND WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO ALGY [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room. I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open. SOUND CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS SOUND HOLLOW MOANING WIND HARRIET There's a family ghost, but it's benign. ALGY Spirits have never bothered me. ALGY [VO] And in this room - by gad! BART [VO] Yes? ALGY [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters. Undiscovered, possibly unknown. BART [VO] Real? ALGY Real? HARRIET Yes, but. Problematic. ALGY How so? HARRIET Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit. ALGY Bandit? HARRIET Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones. He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here. Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago. Gold, jewels, things like that. ALGY Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership. HARRIET [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just... ALGY Yes? HARRIET [pitiable] There's no money. Not a sou. I can't possibly defend even the slightest case. A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything. ALGY I see. HARRIET And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these. Tragic, isn't it? ALGY There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no. You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent. HARRIET [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them! ALGY I would. HARRIET [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What? ALGY I know all the right people. If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar. HARRIET But why would you help me? And how can I possibly trust you? ALGY Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course. And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest. HARRET [worried musing] It's a big step. The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me. It's not as if I have insurance or anything. If the worst should happen - I'd be lost. ALGY If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit. But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance. HARRIET A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it. Could you - manage something in a down payment? Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything! ALGY Oh, I don't think we need go that far. But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two. HARRIET [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back.... ALGY [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash? HARRIET Am I that transparent? [sweetly] I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin. And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit. ALGY I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance. If you'll let me take that small one. HARRIET A thousand? You think this is worth so much? ALGY Ten times that, at least. HARRIET My hero! I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right? ALGY Certainly. MUSIC SCENE 5 THE CLUB ROOM BART You didn't. ALGY I did. BART And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds? ALGY [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb. BART [laughs heartily] And what do you plan to do about it? ALGY What do you think? BART Can you find your way back in again? ALGY I believe so. I truly would have played fair with her, but... BART What can she expect? Swindling a notorious art thief like "The Badger"? MUSIC - TIME PASSES SCENE 6 THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY SOUND DOOR OPENS ALGY [entering melodramatically] Oh, Bart! Bart, my old chum! All is lost! SOUND DOOR SHUTS BART Sit, dear boy. Sit and tell! Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren? ALGY Enchanting! Enchantress is more like it! BART Why? Don't tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room? ALGY [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho. It's far worse than that. BART Ah. Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable. Drink up. ALGY [drinks] There's really not much to tell. BART I hope you have more than that! This is expensive stuff! ALGY I got into the house. Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she'd pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that? BART So she knew you were watching? ALGY [sighing admission] Yes. She's frightfully brilliant. BART Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her? ALGY I admire her because she has fooled me twice. BART And her loveliness has nothing to do with it? ALGY Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt. BART [beat] So... you got into the room. ALGY Yes. Yes. I got in. BART [exasperated] And? ALGY Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes! BART THE landscapes? ALGY For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things! [sudden realization] By Jove! BART What? ALGY I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first? BART Whatever do you mean? ALGY What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other so-called art dealers? BART [chuckles] Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn't pick you first? ALGY There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly! BART I can see why you admire her. ALGY The beast! BART I can't wait to meet her. ALGY Wretch! BART You'll have to bring her around sometime. ALGY What? BART Well, you are going to see her again, aren't you? ALGY You old dog. You know everything. [beat] She should be here any minute. BART Then I expect it's a good thing I've dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn't it? ALGY I don't know why I even try-- SOUND KNOCK AT DOOR BART Yes? SOUND DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS BUTLER Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop. I told her merely that I would inquire...? BART Proper, as always. Don't give her any definite answer, there's a good chap, but bring her on up. BUTLER [slightly miffed] Very good, sir. SOUND DOOR CLOSES BART That. That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard. ALGY I say, Bart, hide me, would you? BART What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches? ALGY I know you'll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn't realize I'm here. BART [indulgent] That door there. It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor. I'll ferret out whatever she's hiding. You'll get your hands on those paintings yet. ALGY Oh, I already have plans for that. BART Oh? What--? SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR. SOUND SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES SOUND HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT BART [calling] Come in. SOUND HER DOOR OPENS SOUND BART POURS DRINK BUTLER [introductions] Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson. Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS [NOTE: from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting] BART [suddenly stern] Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson. I pray you won't take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week. HARRIET [uncertain] But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop? BART I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference. HARRIET Business? BART Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimenta…

Full show notes at the publisher

Atomic Julie - JABBERWOCK, BEWARE By Richard A. Sternbach Oct 20, 2022

Show notes

An alien encounter with a battle of wills.

And a bunch of stereotypical accents!

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