You Look Nice Today

California King: "What is HØL?" Apr 04, 2020

Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama.

Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried.

Then, one night, we heard a cricket.

Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth.

So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California.

Also, we are out of money.

Links:

California King — A new journal of emotional hygiene. From the makers of You Look Nice Today.

Episode 51: Vintage Vape May 16, 2015

Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.

Episode 50: Scat Academy (Part 1) Nov 01, 2013

Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™.

No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.

In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue:

SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp!
ENGLISH: Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache.

SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot?
ENGLISH: Has this pepper spray you’re selling me been “stepped on?”

SCAT: Babe sop potta womp, bum bop zee bop!
ENGLISH: Your newborn baby is as uninteresting to me as the baking soda pabulum that’s currently passing for heroin.

SCAT: Bomp…zeep…bomp.
ENGLISH: Ha! I’ve once again taken heroin and fallen asleep whilst driving!

SCAT: Stomp dee-domp, stomp dee-domp, squeep bomp—DEE bomp?
ENGLISH: Have you a spare behavior modification helmet and some heroin?

SCAT: Salt PEE nutz!
ENGLISH: This uncut heroin you’ve provided strikes me as both deadly and affordable.

Episode 49: Make a Given Wish Jan 02, 2013

As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need.

So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation.

But, NO: we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers.

In any case. Get well soon, and here’s that brief bedside visit from the late Sargent Shriver you never actually requested.

Episode 48: Schrodinger's Conference Bag Dec 02, 2012

Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™!

Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012!

Join old colleagues and make new friends in an immersive networking environment of blue-sky solutioneering and overcoats! Experience a wide-ranging and impactful offering of Keynotes, Panels, Super-Panels, Breakout Sessions, Birds-of-a-Feathers, Hands-On Demonstrations, and Interactive Receptionettes that will lavish you with a literal bag of pro-active informational materials that you can cuddle with…today!

You will learn about:

Vertical Market Opportunities
Rethinking the Bindles of the Integrated Lunch Solution Space
Etiquette of Toothbrush Dispersal
Spokane Spoons and Sundry Gift Options
Conference Service Conference Service Reselling Services
Green and Sustainable Pamphleteering
“Why Lie?”: The Ethics of Electronic Reverse Panhandling
Far from the Tree: Leaving Your Own Paper Company
The Post-Mortem Aerobic Media Space
FLAC → LAME QR Code Encoding Codecs
Hardtack and Rickshaw: Frontiers in eCommerce Exchange
A Wide Net: Targeting the Stout Man
Upscale Feline Premiums (US and Intl.)
A Charlie Kaufman Multiverse: Retroscripting the Charlie Kaufmaning of Charlie Kaufman’s Charlie Kaufman
Enhanced Social Components of Gamification Engineering
Peanuts Envy: Cracking the Preferred Legume of the Gaul
ROX: Finding New Returns on…Something
“The Remora Feel”: Exploring the Physics of Virtual Viral Piggybacking
Elements of Pipe & Drape Cos-TUME Presentation

Register TODAY!

Early Bird Registration: 10 Wampum.

Platinum Sponsors: MeeBow®, Nostalgex®, CDrivers®, NRG Hookerz!®, and Sandy's Fancy Dance-A-Tron®.

Episode 47: Adam Ruins Everything Nov 02, 2012

Listen. It’s actually very simple.

When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income.

Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and—BOOM—you’re reviving even the most tired franchise.

Mazel Tov!

365/151 — **Episode 46: Poolside** Oct 02, 2012

ATTENTION! POOL RULES!

Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15.

Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool.

This is a “Body Shame Free” zone. You must keep your eyes closed at all times.

Chairs may only be saved with a passport, $50 bill, or a signed photo of Burt Reynolds.

Towels available for a small fee—ask the Towel Troll for details.

Water in the pool is a privilege, not a right!

Just going to be honest here about going #1 and #2: going #1 is way less of a big deal than you think. Going #2 is way more of a big deal than you think.

Do NOT talk to Randy about 9/11.

NO CANADIANS

**Also**: what’s your theme song; Adam the lion; cloggin’ a drain; seeing yourself in a mirror; grits etc.; Burt Reynolds; peeing on Car 17; splashing is not drowning; pool chairs for everyone bro; browsing *TV Guide*; Robin Hood of chaises; an original Playstation; The Meerkats and the Laundry Bag; nipples in a crawlspace; ask Quora; the sausage sweats.

Episode 45: Morning Glory Sep 02, 2012

TO: Paul Polman, CEO
Unilever PLC
London, United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Polman,

I hope you can help me.

You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry about every day, is of dire importance to me.

I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many years.

Specifically, I love your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce.

More specifically, I love to have sex with your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce.

Yes, I am a salsaphile—someone who is stimulated by tomato-based sauces or purées. Yes, it is very real. The DSM-IV-TR (psychiatry’s literal Bible) almost refers to it several times.

For years, I have loved Ragu Six Cheese. A fine purée and creamy balance of cheeses, lovingly microwaved for 45 seconds, has been my companion for so many otherwise lonely nights. In fact, two years ago I broke off my relationships with all other sauces and decided to see Ragu Six exclusively. After a final, lingering kiss with Newman’s Own Cabernet Marinara, I and Ragu Six were free to begin the next stage of our life together.

Then, disaster.

Some bean counter in your accounting department must have decided to cut costs. Suddenly, one Saturday evening, Ragu Six changed. The viscosity was off. The skin-feel was different. I looked down into my specially designed bowl and didn’t recognize the sauce staring back up at me.

You might think that I am an isolated case, some lone “weirdo” with a grudge. Not true! The forum at NoShameTomato.org is on fire with dozens of complaints from folks who also preferred the amorous texture of the previous formula. Those are complaints from many different people who are definitely not me.

Mr. Polman, I understand that you are probably not sexually aroused by a liquified Burpee Super Italian. But, please, I beg that you go back to the old recipe. Give me back the sauce I once loved so much.

Best regards,
Taylor Martin
Grants Pass, OR

Special introduction by Matthew “Frenchish” Latkiewicz.

Also: Hidden Mickey and the eighth dwarf; a new kind of trust exercise and restaurant; Blueberry Morning; untenable stuff; Mexico is full of 200W bulbs and Concord Grape Pop Tarts; Maximum White Creme Pomade; writing to the CEO; ungrippable body wash; Action Line with the Wet Man; Depression-era food; welcome to The Jungle; brokavore gourmet; the CEO of Can; a handful of gravel; generics.

Episode 44: The Rules Aug 01, 2012

Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership!

Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000.

Very nice!

[silence]

Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of man who will do much research! Very nice. Well, for you? My manager approves: I take off $500!

[silence]

Hmmm, in your hand I see a check for the full retail price and a printed out email whose subject line I can clearly read as “FWD: car-buying tips from Dad.” Please dispose of worries—from me only, you get a fair deal! $24,000! Best international price! You check on computer sites. Very nice.

[silence]

You appear to be sweating, my friend. Would you like to sit down? What’s that? Ah, yes. Be well. Our wi-fi password is “N1ssanSux.” One word; no spaces. Very nice.

[silence]

$23,000 is as low as I can go. I pull my babies from school for you.

[silence]

No? No?!? Still too much? Very nice. $22,000 and a copy of the hit board game Scruples! My death like a mere dog is your good fortune, my friend!

[silence]

Argh! Again, you push too hard! Too hard! Very Nice!!!

Okay. Yes yes yes yes yes! $21,000, AND the Scruples, AND a taste of the food you are literally taking from my child’s mouth. Very nice.

[silence]

I do not know how you do it! Please, accept my offer or they will fire me! $15,000 out the door. Scruples, free. Also a very small bust of Bette Midler. And Amish lathe. Many veins. My gift I make for you. Very nice.

[silence]

Yes. Okay. You think about it. Talk to wife. Sure. Good. I bring more coffee and fresh Pop-O-Matic. Yes.

[silence]

Very nice, my friend.

Very. Very. Nice.

[silence]

Episode 43: Gellies Local 416 Jul 01, 2012

Thieving Threesome Nabbed

(California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies Local 416.

“This wasn’t your normal grab-and-go,” said Target assistant manager Charles Monjohnson. “Like what they were wearing: fezzes, vests, and some kind of extremely roomy jumpsuit.”

Also strange, he said, were the items they attempted to steal. A partial list: • King James bible
• Cap gun caps
• Advil
• 60 Minutes box set
• Mossimo Hyper-jacket
• 6 loaves of Wonder bread
• Wine glasses
• A Tivo
• 42 bottles of Beano

One witness, who asked not to be identified, had an up-close view of the incident: “I don’t know how they thought they’d get out of there with all that stuff,” she said. “Sure, they tried to cram some of it into their jumpsuits, but it was just spilling out of their clothes. They walked past the security guard just as nonchalant as can be, making eye contact, smiling and nodding as if they had nothing to hide. And if the store alarm hadn’t gone off, they might have gotten away with it, too.”

The three say they were obtaining supplies for their group’s annual “Doin’ It for the Kids” celebration, in which pediatric burn victims compete in a series of events for the coveted “Gelly” award.

Sources inside the group revealed that the Gellies Local 416 chapter has been struggling financially for years.

Also: Simpson’s Speculation vs. Lisagor’s Constant, the red cloud button, stem of a snifter, the Full Rooney, whiskey for the house, haha that wine label made me laugh just kidding it’s the worst, bodegalier, preemptive delivery service, Adam’s other apartment, don’t really ever wink ever, buddy waiter, guilty innocence, Advil snatch, just to feel something, anything, friendship union, The Tilders, play that back in Latin, a fez and a tiny car, Knights of Caesar, blast that window.

**Episode 42: Druthers, CA** Jun 01, 2012

Welcome to **Druthers, CA**! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us:

• Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, *again*. Faster. Now, pay it forward.
• DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover.
• No sighing in the doughnut line.
• Just stop tapping your goddamned foot fer chrissakes.
• *Uncle Blackman’s Enthusiastic Antebellum Sprinting Adventure* is closed for renovation until further notice.
• Keep a sharp eye out for “Hidden Deppies”
• Climbing on the Leon Uris shelf is strictly prohibited.
• No insie-outsies on “Lock-In Night.”
• Only children under 42 inches in height are permitted to romp in *Erma’s Cherry Bowl*—and each child MUST be accompanied by a non tripping-balls parent.
• SORRY! After June 7, 1998, Arlo’s “Shuck Bux” will no longer be honored.
• Thank you in advance for not discussing disused aspect ratios.
• Cut line early on rides you like. Lines are for babies.
• The Sacristy is **not** there for making-out. Sacristy only likes you *as a friend*—and not actually all that much to be honest.
• PLEASE don’t slam your locker door.
• Q*bert ALWAYS hits on “16.” You may double-down on aces and Robotron.
• The Parade will NOT stop in the event you are injured by a Moog.
• SHAME on you. *Seriously*.

Episode 41: The Stenciled Approach May 02, 2012

The Stenciled Approach | You Look Nice Today on Huffduffer

Summer’s right around the corner, guys. So, let’s get in gear—yes, your gear!

First, make sure you’ve got everything sorted, basketed, washed, dried, pressed, steamed, folded, blocked, shanty-towned, gathered, pinned, stapled, re-steamed, cobblered, new-jacked, and–yes–packed.

To help you get your own Summer bag rolling in style, take a minute to inventory your way through our indispensable You Look Nice Today Packing List:

Cobbler Steam Alarm
501 Peg ’n Spike Kit
Nipponese House Tote
Arm Garters
Retail-Rated Folding Board(s)
Bamboo Clipboard
Sanitary and Diabetes Socks
Banana Smudge
Staple Gun (emptied and locked, per TSA regulations)
Burn Creams, Salves, and Unguents
Functional Parfait
Foster Transformer

Best of luck, have a terrific Summer, and try not to let your legs explode.

Imagine it….

Episode 40: Lobster Farm Apr 01, 2012

We don’t know anyone who loves sushi more than we do. That’s because when we meet someone who loves sushi, we stop talking to them forever. Because we want to be the biggest sushi lovers we know.

To honor that love, we worked with a team of chefs to create signature sushi rolls for each of us. First, we went to Japan and found some masters of the form. Then we taught them English and made them listen to all of our shows, over and over, until they had distilled the essence of each of us into a roll.

Here they are—invite your friends over for a YLNT Sushi Night sometime soon.

The Merlin Roll: copy of Cheri magazine (June 1978), Hüsker Dü T-shirt, mayonnaise.

The Scott Roll: pantyhose, glossy photograph of Harry Anderson, mayonnaise.

The Adam Roll: nunchucks, B♭dim7 chord, mayonnaise.

Also: Sushi DMV, pupu platter, Tuna Corn Mayonnaise, kiwanis roll, the Andrew Jackson with extra hickory, two types of foreigner, $50 squid, lobster drag, dinner theater, is it vegetarian if she throws it away, Tevas, “My mussel’s name is Sandy,” ma, the jute chewers, churn for a living, Andie MacDowell and a Sofia Mini.

**Episode 39: Razzledazzle** Mar 06, 2012

Unpeeling the gunt, extending the brand, and rendering a sidekick polyhedron that really scales.

*It’s a start*.

IceCream — **Episode 38: That's Babies** Nov 03, 2010
“Baby City”
Trad., to the tune of “Tabula Rasa” by Arvo Pärt

Babies are special
babies are tough
babies have smooth skin
NE-VER rough!
Have you been to this place
this magical land
where everyone’s a baby
(baby hearts, baby hands
baby hearts, baby hands
baby hearts, baby hands)
Baby policeman!
Baby D.A.!
Baby court-appointed defense attorney!
Baby bus driver!
Baby hobo!
Incredible babies
Go babies go!

**Also**: No thanks twins, Paregoric, Whaddaburger, Pacific Rims, airplane cures, can you pause it, toy robot, the miracle of childbirth, tubs, dilation-related study materials, music jokes.

**Episode 37: The Magic Number** May 19, 2010
We went, with some friends, into the woods. A few days later we left the woods. Our memory of the time we spent in the woods is a bit fuzzy; fortunately, someone thought to make an audio recording of it.

This episode is about friendship. (And some other stuff. Well, mostly other stuff.)

We never would have had the chance to make this if it weren’t for our friend Jesse Thorn—the brains, gumption, and do-juice behind MaxFunCon. So Jesse, this episode is for you. Throughout the month of May, whenever we make number three, we’ll be thinking only of you.

(Please note: this is the show that Jad Abumrad was at, and he *totally* laughed.)

One last note: print this out & show us your Winston face for 15% off your first Maraschino Isopropyl at Mommy Needs a Minute. Look for a franchise opening soon, in your kitchen, as soon as I find that corkscrew…

Black and white photos by Jon Deal.
Photo #2 by Noe Montes.
Photo #3 by Katie Spence.
Photo #4 by Merlin.

Episode 36: Bubbles Feb 08, 2010

Bankruptcy Liquidation Auction
Beginning @ 9:00 AM-85 Herston Rd.
Long Beach, CA
Feb 8, 2010

Registration 7:30-10:00 A.M.

Auction With Reserve Will Be Conducted By:
Leroy D. Plaavs, III, License #KCL6232

Notice:

LIQUIDATION OF THEIR 15’ x 25’ EXECUTIVE STORAGE UNIT WILL BEGIN PROMPTLY AT 7:30
ALL ITEMS SOLD AS-IS
ORIGINAL OWNERS WILL LIKELY BE PRESENT, DISGUISED AS POTENTIAL BUYERS

Summary:

Sellers are forced, after years of negative cash flow, to liquidate their storage locker as a condition of their bankruptcy claim. Sellers identify themselves as “We Look Nice,” an internet group. Items for sale include memorabilia and other items related to the sellers’ childhoods, including:

Butterfly knives
Player piano rolls
Several boxes of generic LEGO clone called MARGO
Autographed photo of Ira Glass
Autographed photo of Pete Rose (same signature as above)
Museum-quality collection of antique popcorn poppers
Nail parings
Inspirational poster, “CHANGE”
250 copies of self-published book, “The Annotated Penthouse Letters”
…and much more

PAYMENT MAY BE MADE IN THE FORM OF DOLLARS, YUAN, FLOOZ, OR COMPLIMENTS THAT SOUND LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SELLERS, THEY’RE STILL PRETTY SAD ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING

Photo: Boxed-in, by patries71
TLJ Bizcard by JasPer

Episode 35: The Sake Period Dec 04, 2009

Subject: #1228743 “Mann”
Application Date: September 4, 1980

Subject has submitted a new application to the Coolness Review Board. Note that this is Subject’s 12th separate application to the Board in just the past 2 years.

No signs of progress.

Pictured, above, is Subject’s self-declared “Summer Transformation.” No comment is required other than to note the outfit, which includes a web belt, painter’s pants, fake Adidas “four-striper” sneakers, a Dallas Cowboys T-shirt, and, tragically, Mork suspenders.

It is the recommendation of this Coolness Officer that Subject be allowed to re-apply to the Board not less then two (2) years from now, or after the cessation of puberty, whichever is soonest.

APPLICATION STATUS: DENIED (UNCOOL)

ASSOCIATED MEDIA:

cyber goth dreads
Enter the Dragon mirror scene
Hey Baby by Bruce Channel
Sad Eyes by Robert John
Infinity by Journey

PHOTOS:
Merlin Mann (top), Wikia (bottom)

**Episode 34: In Congrefs** Oct 08, 2009

Hop in our decommissioned World War II tank that has been outfitted to look like the Liberty Bell. The You Look Nice Today Tour of Philadelphia Hotspots starts in 5 minutes!

For just a few dollars we’ll take you on an all-day tour of The City with a Nickname. Some highlights:

Discuss fonts n’ ligatures with Merlin Mann at the Benjamin Franklin Museum’s authentic replica printing press.

Stroll briskly through “transitional” neighborhoods with YLNT Gentrification Ambassador Scott Simpson.

Hit the Burlington Coat Factory with your personal shopper for the day, Adam Lisagor. He’ll show you how to cry in the dressing room without leaving unsightly tear stains.

After the tour, go with friends old and new to any local Curves™ franchise. Present a copy of this website for 15% off any CurveBurger or Curvey Fries.

Seriously. Thanks PHL, you were the hottest one-night stand. Our favorite September 17, 2009 ever.

Love,

Youse Look Nice Today

Photos:
Top & bottom photo by Merlin.
All other photos by Scott Troyan. Great work, Scott!

Edutaining — **Episode 34: In Congrefs** Oct 08, 2009

Hop in our decommissioned World War II tank that has been outfitted to look like the Liberty Bell. The You Look Nice Today Tour of Philadelphia Hotspots starts in 5 minutes!

For just a few dollars we’ll take you on an all-day tour of The City with a Nickname. Some highlights:

Discuss fonts n’ ligatures with Merlin Mann at the Benjamin Franklin Museum’s authentic replica printing press.

Stroll briskly through “transitional” neighborhoods with YLNT Gentrification Ambassador Scott Simpson.

Hit the Burlington Coat Factory with your personal shopper for the day, Adam Lisagor. He’ll show you how to cry in the dressing room without leaving unsightly tear stains.

After the tour, go with friends old and new to any local Curves™ franchise. Present a copy of this website for 15% off any CurveBurger or Curvey Fries.

Seriously. Thanks PHL, you were the hottest one-night stand. Our favorite September 17, 2009 ever.

Love,

Youse Look Nice Today

Photos:
Top & bottom photo by Merlin.
All other photos by Scott Troyan. Great work, Scott!

Episode 33: Breakin' In Sep 16, 2009

While under the influence of y, we reveal that:

Merlin once put x in an envelope.
Scott hoped another guy’s x would draw attention away from his own -(x).
Adam = 2x.

If y = “tequila,” solve for x.

Also: Belch alert. Home invasion defense strategies, Breakin’ In to find new friends, the tyranny of drinking glass etiquette, deep in Larry David territory, tip strategies, Adam’s got another ninja sword, Scott’s got a flask, Merlin’s got a cognitive bias.

Episode 32: The Good Part Jul 30, 2009

You’re gonna love it—the guitar does this “Wheeee!” thing while the drums go all “Chukka chukka booda booda.” OK, here it comes. Shhhh!

No wait, that’s not it. Almost there, just after this last chorus. Seriously, I think you’re going to love the song once you’ve heard this part. What’s that, little guy? No, Daddy’s playing his new favorite song for Mommy, so if you could go over there and wait for us. Quietly. Thanks!

Huh? Sure, I don’t care what we have for dinner. But wait, you’re gonna miss the—

…

JESUS. You just made me talk over the good part. GODDAMMIT.

No, it’s OK, whatever. I’m not going to rewind. Really, it’s NO BIG DEAL. It’s not a big, no…it’s really not a problem. It’s cool. I’ll play it for you later.

Pizza sounds fine.

Also covered: the business of High School scared-straight-for-Jesus groups, and our entry into that lucrative space: “The Drain Circlers.” We’re available for all auditorium-based school events. Fees are very, very negotiable.

Episode 31: Lonely Polisher May 22, 2009

Seattle LIVE!: April 23, 2009

We teamed up with our pals Jordan, Jesse, Go! and took the Monsters of Podcasting on the road. Our Pacific Northwest Megatour kicked off in Seattle on Thursday and finally ended in Portland, on Sunday. In between: laughs, tears, exhaustion, roadies, groupies, monkeys…typical superstar stuff.

In this episode, we give a little bit back to our listeners. These are tough times. Money is tight. Luckily, we’re here to help. With Adam and Merlin’s antique appraisal expertise, you’ll be digging treasures out of your crawlspace in no time.

Check out more photos from the Northwest Megatour here.

Photos:
Lonely Polisher by Jason Permenter,
YLNT: Road Monkey by Jason Permenter,
Roadmonkey + lonelysandwichjr by twinch.

Episode 30: Angry Captain May 06, 2009

INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT

The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.

FLEECE
Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this!

CABINTIRE
Put your panties back on.

(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)

FLEECE
First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!

The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his head, chuckling.

RIFFLES
Detective Cabintire.

CABINTIRE
(Sneering)
Yes … sir.

RIFFLES
Would you mind telling me what this is?

(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)

CABINTIRE
I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.

RIFFLES
They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?

FLEECE
Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!

CABINTIRE
Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.

(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)

FLEECE
Where you get all these panties from, man?

CABINTIRE
Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.

(The phone rings.)

RIFFLES
Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.

FLEECE
Who? A jumper?

CABINTIRE
No. A fiddler.

RIFFLES
How’d you know that, Cabintire?

CABINTIRE
NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.

ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite™ as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:

http://birdhouseapp.com/

If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Episode 29: Vachina Mar 26, 2009

Making college affordable, restful, and culturally relevant; the cupping comforts of secondary scholarship; Adam becomes a costumed mascot and buys a new koch; how many greeting cards does it take to change (or not change) Los Altos?; Playing Marco Polo with immigrant labor; sweet corn, fresh from the tank; Leopold Bloom, Herman Blume, and the subtler hermeneutics of dysentery; abrupt Chinese c*nsorship; Merlin gets talk-blocked by a blogless Belizean zookeeper; Kraftwerk speak through a vocoder about “Das Futur”; the suspicious motions of Ad Hoc Tai Chi; still no cream for senioritis; and Scott offers East Arcadia State’s surviving TAs an urgent drum solo.

Photo Credit: The Lion sleeps tonight by law_keven (cc by-sa)

Episode 28: OPN♥WDE Feb 18, 2009

Merlin: Boy Scout
Scott: Boy Scout
Adam: YMCA Indian Guide

Episode 27: Christmas Is Near Feb 03, 2009

Listen as we conduct our exclusive pro gift-giving super-session TED Talk master class webinar. Over $600 in essential GiftWisdom™ is yours for FREE. Topics include, but are not limited to:

Virtual presents
Secret Santa? Secret Sucker!
1978
Holiday photography essentials
Lessons from Guantanamo Bay
Cinco de Nada
A members-only sponsorship opportunity

As a special bonus, Adam reveals his secret “Thought That Counts” method: learn how to give gifts without actually giving them!

But wait, you say, I’ve already completed my Christmas shopping. Heck, I’ve even given out all the presents already! Whatever, busybody. Luckily, these Power Tip Essentials are just as relevant for anniversaries, birthdays, and any other holiday where gifts are expected.

Also Included, Absolutely Free: Holiday letters, a new typeface for a new generation, unnecessary repetition in the 12 Steps, special razors, stoplight entrepreneurs, beard equity, just $250.

Episode 26: Nickelpuss Dec 10, 2008

1930’s wandering troubadour Trinket Pills (? - 1939) scored a brief hit on the Wichita charts with his plaintive Ballad of Joey Nickelpuss:

Th’ evil alley boys taunted him,
But ole’ Young Joe made his way.
Terrible crash of bowlin’ pins
Th’ sound of a long long day.
Rags to riches to rags it went,
Th’ boy would rage and cuss.
“Mama ain’t mama for me no more,”
Spit poor little Joey Nickelpuss.

We’re bringing back ‘ole Young Joey Nickelpuss. A generation of children need a hero for these lean times.

Also: New directions in car horn technology, why does Adam’s car smell so good?, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”: A Synopsis, secular bands, paper swords, ad hoc ninjascapades, what’s on your wall.

Photo: Bowling

Episode 25: Faire du camping Dec 03, 2008

If “penultimate” meant “last,” this would be the penultimate episode of our VSOP series. Thanks again to John Hodgman, Jonathan Coulton, and the sturdy padlocks on the studio doors that prevented their escape.

This episode will be more interesting than average for: farmers, Québécoises, basket weavers, camp counselors, small business owners, and a capella aficionados.

This episode will be less interesting than average for: dancers, hair stylists, carnies, Renaissance buffs, vegans, and criminals.

Original photo by Pete Ryan. (We modified it.)

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

Episode 24: Faux Tog Nov 24, 2008

YLNT VSOP, Part II! The drugs* have kicked in, and we have reached cruising altitude. Stay tuned for the final, gripping conclusion to the VSOP series next week. Or so.

A partial list of works referenced in this episode, and their creators:

“Colonel Heimlich Grows a Beard” (Graham Greene)
Mall, Mini-Mall, Strip Mall (M.C. Escher)
Shut Up, Hick! (George Carlin)
LEGO Group v. Linden (U.S. Supreme Court)
Carnival Displacement (Damien Hirst)
Dream of an Undiscovered Room (René Magritte)
Resuscitation Situation (Jamiroquai)

* Imodium, Dermarest

Photo by frozenmeat (detail)

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

Episode 23: Selfish Express Nov 13, 2008

It’s YLNT VSOP, Part I! We convened a special session in San Francisco, featuring guests John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton. Aided by Hodgman’s expertise and Coulton’s hatred of poetry, we finally got to the bottom of our most lingering questions:

Why is Kevin Bacon famously uncomfortable around FAX machines?
How does Adam save the world by not wearing shoes?
What are the slam poet’s secret romantic techniques?
Why are short films so long? And also: vice versa?
Why do alfalfa farmers know so much about the Renaissance?
What food is best eaten deep-fried?

…and many more. Hodgman’s new book is More Information Than You Require. The YLNT Writers’ Retreat recently purchased 22 copies, one for each bathroom on the estate. The inmates—sorry, the “writers in residence”—seem to be enjoying it very much.

UPDATE: If you enjoyed this episode, you might like to learn more about how we made it. Check out the production journal.

Photo by Ryan Carver (detail). Check out his other great photos from that day here.

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

Episode 22: Who Voted? Oct 28, 2008

Thousands* of you wrote to us asking for Election Day guidance. Sadly, we don’t have time to evaluate every candidate in every race. Instead, we commissioned the handy YLNT Voter’s Guide you’ll find below. We recommend you print it onto waterproof paper, fold it into a tiny square, and hide it in your mouth as you enter the voting booth.

Of course, this simple checklist can’t cover every scenario. But we did try to make our guidelines as broadly applicable as possible:

VOTE FOR:

Yourself. If you are on the ballot, give yourself the vote. Don’t overthink this one.
Any witch/warlock.
A candidate who gained/lost more than 30 lbs. for a role in a movie or play. (Shows dedication.)

VOTE AGAINST:

Anyone who has given you a venereal disease.
John Denver. He is dead. And a folk singer.
A “human beatbox.” Filibuster nightmare.

Listen to the episode for many more helpful voting tips, including some Election Day-specific pickup lines.

Also: Rappy pants and dentures, hats of the Seduction Community, Pascal’s voting wager (Vote for Adam’s dad). No ice cream for the handicapable. After two it’s quote unquote “me”. Love in a voting booth, medieval jewelry vis-à-vis Hypercolor, Adam’s hypnotic sexytime, and push presents.

*”Thousands”: from the Greek, meaning “zero.”

Photo by RS_Joe (detail).

Episode 21: Mr. Owl Oct 16, 2008

FIRST:

Nose harmony, quarters, who’s Capote now?, “He plays you better than you play you,” layers of latex, latchkey ontologies, start shooting your stock scenes now, one water ski or two?

AND THEN:

Out-browed, back when it was called Mr. Owl, shared entendres, the recurring mint, each table represents a different decade, a full sparkly thong, Assumption never gets enough of the churning butter jokes, reverse garage sales.

Photo: Jorge Luis Borges Coin by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

Episode 20: Transitions Oct 08, 2008

You’ve just hopped on the #17 Express and must quickly decide where to sit. In the back of the bus, four teenagers have staked their claim to a dozen seats. An old woman sits next to an open, delicately balanced bag of cat food. Up front, fumes rise from a guy who’s picking his teeth with what might be a knife.

So where do you sit?

If you’ve got your trusty YLNT SeatFinder, decisions like this are a snap.

Also:

Changin’ gears, basic stranger strategy, Adam eats alone, the Sultan of Awkward gives wisdom, pick fruit from your neighbor’s tree, fortune cookie photomat, our new sponsor, that Al Roker, it’s a conversation.

Photo: over used by DanielJames

Episode 19: Man School Sep 30, 2008

Now* accepting applications for the Class of 2016! Sample from our wide range of available courses, including Sociology 102: Shaving, Chemistry 206: Principles of Muskmaking, and Techniques in Silent Disdain. Independent study credit (read: drinking alone) is also available. Listen to the episode for lots of exciting announcements regarding our Guest Lecturer series. Remember: early applicants get the good nicknames!

Also:

Why stereotype when you can monotype? The robot/cameltoe axis, Birth of a Nation(’s Boner), public transportation is not always a thing, how we do it at NYU, old-guy-as-engineer phase of life.

* Should read: “Not”

Episode 18: Tang Tangs Sep 16, 2008

The parenting of negligence, things you didn’t know about gas stations, ancient aphorisms, tethered to a key, you go in and stay there until you have wisdom, They’ve Got It!, blue sky pie in the sky, Adam tries a little culture jam, Sunday morning habits, hot spring best practices, paddle balls, Erotic Rosary II, your first time at Uggo’s.

Photo: twocentsworth, Dubai Skyline No. 2 (Detail)

Episode 17: Where Is the Ham? Sep 09, 2008

Sandwich smiles into the mouthpiece, teenage telemarketing salad days, LonelyWear’s autumn line, the secret of our success (at Macy’s), ham symphony, Karl gets fired from the Geek Squad, acquaintance on final approach, face school.

Important questions raised by this episode:
There were no important questions raised by this episode.

Photo: Photocapy, Canned Ham (Detail)

Episode 16: The Tux Age Sep 02, 2008

We’re back from summer break full of something and something. Expect weekly episodes until it’s time for fall break. Or early September break. Break!

Pilaf games, the myth of women and computers, retroplagiarism can happened to you, young butlers in high demand, 20s sex ed film, prespooling and the origins of the Industrial Revolution.

Episode 15: Rampant on a Field Jul 29, 2008

Down and out in Улаанбаатар (sorry, Mongolia!), remembrance of fights past, rampant on a field of Wheat Chex, stickin’ with the quadrupeds, Adam’s almost assaulted, don’t flog Detroit’s dead horse, the MySpace Generation has nothing to lose, guac attack.

Photo: John Carter, Slow Train (Detail)

Episode 14: Aunt Nancy Jul 18, 2008

Sit back, relax, mix yourself an Aunt Nancy but don’t cross the swords. We’re coloncasting over at bandaid1995.com. ¿Esto debería estar en el recipiente de correo? Body (Not) Movin’.

Episode 13: Expressed as a Vest Jul 08, 2008

Unhealthy ligatures, a course of Prednisone, “I’m not following you!”, obscure chess moves, smoking for the cure, misused orifices, we pass as nosies, Karl Van Hœt.

Episode 12: Live!: Baby on a Dog Jul 02, 2008

Recorded live at the Dark Room Theater in San Francisco. Don’t miss lots of great photos from the event.

Desperate for funds, we explore opening a restaurant. Along the way, Sandwich cries in the bathroom, Merlin sings a song, and Scott gets some information wrong. But, in the end, we think we’ve got a pretty lucrative restaurant franchise on our hands. The first Baby on a Dog will open in Butte, MT, in 2012. Bring the family on Wednesdays for Awkward Discussion of Politics Across Generational Lines Night!

Don’t miss the live episode of the hilarious Jordan, Jesse Go! also recorded that evening. Their show featured special guests, an epic Would You Rather?, and a very special JJGo/YLNT joint press conference.

Photo: Upskirt by Neven Mrgan
Episode artwork photos by Bobby Andersen
Intro music by Petra Haden (iTunes, Amazon)

Episode 11: Guaranteed Morrie Jun 23, 2008

Parental interference and other awkwardtunities, pie vs invisibilty, how Adam will die, Tuesdays with Tom Waits, Wisdom Experience guaranteed, another factory closes (bagpipe soundtrack).

Episode 10: Early Bird Jun 11, 2008

How do your socks feel about it?, a new kind of retail experience, Sandwich knows his Douglas Firs, Farewell to Tight (actually The Sun Also Tights), white shoes, Los Altos Rancho Vista Wi’z, dippin’ dots, our favorite indie bands.

Episode 9: Truck Spank Jun 02, 2008

So sorry!, the oxygen lobby, doin’ the Skokie, Wallet-on-Chain is not a town in England, Sean Connery is Japanese, What’s your latte name?, pre-disposable feminine hygiene, @EffingBoring gets the carnation.

Episode 8: Sacks-Minnelli Disease May 21, 2008

Doing the fishstick, Sacks-Minnelli Disease, on the logical possibility of a cool fannypack, who’s your frelative?, “A Touch of Asperger’s”, social pressure at work (show your support for Dennis), what’s your standing O face?.

Episode 7: Nary a Dude May 12, 2008

Sheriff’s got a posse, Clarence the barber (and his balls), the benenemafits of a Fleet-based regimen, the grapefruit and bacon diet, Neti pots and other 100% legitimate remedies.

Episode 6: Jobbo May 05, 2008

Jamón y jabón, computerized career counseling, nicaragua@nicaragua.nicaragua, Sandwich does the Boogie Oogie, skating to college, Checkin’ Out!, Angus Young-brand smelling salts.

Episode 5: Schadenfunny Apr 29, 2008

On Being Boring, crazy meat, Merlin knows how to build a team, Lonely Spacecamp, Clooney trumps Hill but both beat you, Encounters with Celebrity, nickel bags of chocolate, a fowl deposition, the Tony Danza Story.

Episode 4: Peak Hair Apr 21, 2008

"Oh my God: you GUYS!"; Scott sports vomit; Merlin raises a Predator; Scott has a hair theory about ladies who sing; Merlin calls for a National Day of Goatee Reconsideration; Adam moves into the nascent pubic wig vertical; The Boys crave new custom uniforms; Rocket Scientists come up with stuff; Carnation goes to @Remiel.

Episode 3: Snare! Apr 14, 2008

Sign up for SNARE!, Ol’ Grandpa Mann’s Phlegmatic/Bucolic Humour Balancing Apparatus, the magical beards of junior high, receiving pleasure for money, The Nerdiest Photographs in the World.

Episode 2: Known for His Reach Apr 09, 2008

Merlin looks for cashews, Allan Holdsworth saves a kitten, Scott licks shiny faces, “arrested developments” in Adam’s pants, Elvis gives away trailers like they were moon pies, Scott plugs into the baptismal, and @Moltz wins our first carnation.

Episode 1: Morning Powder Apr 03, 2008

Cosby takes the Queen to a dunk tank, office resources sparingly allocated, sponsors intimidated. Assorted loofah-related incidents.

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