Show notes
Do your children exhibit good character and values? What is the difference? We struggle occasionally to instill good behavior in our children; in this podcast, we will discuss how you can demonstrate and discuss good behavior in a way that sticks.
Values and Children ~529
Many families are planning for back-to-school. Even though summer is still in full swing, there is an eye to school in the near future. For homeschoolers, it is important to teach academics, but many of us focus on virtues and good character as well. When my two little ones fought (it seemed 24/7), it alerted me to a problem that needed to be addressed. One time, I stopped school, placed them each in a chair facing the other, and said, “You two need to work out your problem. You are the only ones in your “class,” and if you don’t get along, this is going to be a miserable year.” I appealed to them to work together instead of against each other. I also told them that while “school” and “academics” are essential, their getting along was more important to me, and things needed to change.
I then walked away (within hearing distance) and listened to them work it out. Sure, voices were raised, and tears flowed, but eventually, they agreed to stop fighting. One of my children said, “If you just listened to me, things would be easier.” Insert head smack here!
That sounded like something I would say, and it brought home the truth. My children modeled my behavior and mirrored my words to them.
We all want our children to exhibit good values, and if you are like me, you’ve spent many dollars on books on character qualities. While we are told good character is to be caught and not taught, a balance must happen in this thought process.
Virtues – Character – Value
Which are important to you and your family?
What are Values?
I once heard a sermon on values and the ones most important to leading a good life. Values are the building blocks of the Christian moral life, but there is more. Values are habits that help us choose what is right and good, basically doing the right thing. Being good. Easier said than done!
What are good habits? These are things that are demonstrated and exhibited.
Values and Character
First, character qualities are core values instilled in our children through example or lack of example and reinforced. Character is then exhibited in actionable traits or values that manifest in different life incidents. Sometimes, we look at our children (I know I do) and are amazed that they exhibit qualities we didn’t know they had — for example, I have a son who is very quiet. He doesn’t say much in a family of talkers unless it is really important to him. Yet, recently, at my daughter’s wedding rehearsal, he asked the person in charge (at the church) if they could practice processing down the aisle again. It was haphazard the first time; the wedding coordinator provided by the church was not in the back of the church telling people when to process down and when to wait, and it was disorganized.
He took charge, and truly, it was a good thing. He did this not because of a sense of righteousness, or I know better than you, but more so for a sense of justice, determination, and competency. He felt the entire first trial was a mess. What surprised me was his determination and fearlessness about what others might think. My husband and I chuckled slightly to see this in our son, who is 28 now.
Our children have watched my husband and I start our own businesses and watched good times and struggles. They have watched us budget and work around obstacles that happen from time to time. Once, the three youngest wanted a dog, and when I told them there was no money in the budget to buy one, they pooled their resources, looked online, and found a rescue. It still cost them $100 combined, but they pooled their money, lots of it loose change, and raised the money for the dog we had for over sixteen years.
Simply put, children learn values by observing what you do and drawing conclusions about what you think is important in life. Regardless of what you consciously teach them, your children will emerge from childhood with clear views of their parent’s values and a well-developed value system.
Many adjectives describe values, and I will probably use the words value and character interchangeably. Still, my shortlist, for the sake of focussing on behavior, includes the following alphabetically—this is not the order of importance, just how my list looks.
*Take some time to research a list of values and character traits that you would love to see your children exhibit, and make your own top 10 or 20.
- compassion
- competency
- determination
- faith
- honesty
- justice
- kindness
- loyalty
- peace
- reputation
- respect
- responsibility
- self-respect
- service
- trustworthiness
So, how will this be implemented? Kids learn values by watching those around them; they draw conclusions. What are these conclusions? We won’t know unless we talk to them and learn how they process the information. A child’s idea of righteousness typically surrounds how things affect them. It doesn’t matter how you purposely teach them. They will form their own ideas of what is right and what is wrong. If you demonstrate your values in a clear way, it will have an impact on them as well.
For example, have you walked out of the grocery store only to find a jar of jam stuck in the corner that was not charged on your receipt? How difficult is it to load everyone back out of the car, and walk in the store, and go to customer service and pay for the jar of jam? Very. Yet, if a parent does this, it will set an example of how important it is to be honest, even when it is highly inconvenient. I remember one incident where I was leaving the bank, and a car was parked incorrectly, and when I backed up, I nicked the number. No one was in the parked car, yet I pulled over and left a note on the windshield with my name and phone number to exchange insurance information. Again, while it was difficult and upsetting (my SUV tank had no damage), I had to show my children that even when something happens and it is wrong and “no one sees,” doing the right thing is so important.
I watched a friend do a similar thing. I saw them run into another car, look around–apparently to see if anyone was looking, and take off from the parking lot. My estimation of this person and my respect went downhill. Why didn’t I report it to the car owner? Because the car was mine. There was a small dent, and again I was driving a seven-year-old large SUV, yet whether or not my car was old or new it was not right to take off and leave without letting me know. I never had the dent fixed; only my children knew about it.
What do you think? Should I have approached this “former friend?” That is something, perhaps, I should have done.
Or what about learning that my curriculum had been used verbatim in another science textbook without obtaining my permission? I contacted the large company, whose answer was, “We put a link to purchase your book on your website.” Yes, they did in the footnotes at the back of the book, where no one looks. At the time, I didn’t have the money or resources to hire an attorney and fight it. However, I did ask them to take it out of future reprints, and they did unless they wanted to obtain my permission and give me a footnote within the body of the text. They declined and removed it from future printings. This was a Christian company.
Sadly, as a Christian, I’ve noticed that that alone does not mean the person is honorable or just. Does Judeo/Christian faith increase a person’s chance of having good values? Yes. Unfortunately, we all know people who break that rule, and sadly, some of them are former close friends or, even tragically, within our own family.
We can “preach” without words, and I will be the first to admit that it is not easy. Truthfully, it is a painful lesson for all of us to be the main people our children look toward for what is good, righteous, honest, and just! You can buy the best curriculum in the world; demonstration is still the best. I created a 24-book series of activities for parents to use with their children (and I’m working on 12 more for the future) that include a list of questions you ask your children and have them answer or demonstrate in a small group. These are activities I did with my own family as a homeschooler. Check them out! Character 12 pack here and another 12-pack here.
The goal is to have enjoyable children who we enjoy having around us. Are all five of my children enjoyable? No, and from time to time, even as young adults, we share our displeasure over behavior, but it is minimal. They are now adults, and I am very proud of the people they have become.
Don’t lose heart if you feel it is an uphill battle. Keep at it. Demonstrate to your children, and have them demonstrate to you the ways they can improve their character. Role-playing works! Even with older teens. Ask them questions or discuss real scenarios. Situations happen all the time, especially if your children are involved in outside activities, sports, and lessons. These situations are perfect for discussing justice and injustice.
My young son and I traveled out of town while he played on a travel baseball team. He was a pitcher, and one of the coaches who was a dad also had a son who was a pitcher. My friends kept coming up to me and asking why they were not putting Mike in as he was a better pitcher, and I shrugged and didn’t have a good answer. Yet, another mom approached me and commented, “I’m amazed at your son’s character; look at him!” I had not noticed, but he was rooting on his team, pulling waters out of the cooler for players coming in, and encouraging those who sat there discouraged. Ultimately, we lost the game, and the team was disheartened walking to our cars.
I hugged my son and suggested we go to Cracker Barrel on the way home for dinner as a celebration. He was surprised, but I shared what I noticed (after it was pointed out – because this was behavior I had come to expect from him, caring for others). We had a great time. We purchased a mini checker set and a triangle puzzle and played while we waited for our dinner. It took longer to get home, but when we arrived, my husband, who had taken our daughter and another son to games in town that weekend, applauded him for his good sportsmanship. This son is currently a First Luitenant serving in the Army.
Friends, we can only do our part, and it isn’t easy. Demonstrating values, good character, and good sportsmanship, especially when we feel our children have been slighted or wrong, is not easy. We have taken drastic steps when necessary. My daughter played softball on a team at a college in Missouri, where she received a full academic scholarship. After her home run on her birthday, she rarely played again. There were too many girls on the team, and there were favorites, and she was not one of them. It happens. But that, combined with the toxic anti-Christian atmosphere on campus, caused us to encourage her to try out at another school (a university where my youngest son attended). She made the team and received a much lesser scholarship, but it was a fabulous move for her in the long run. She graduated Summa Cum Laude with a master’s degree, all the while playing softball, a game she enjoyed.
I could share so many other stories. We are not a perfect family. My Italian temper came out more times than I am proud to admit, but I want to encourage you in this podcast as you plan a strategy for your homeschool year. We keep moving toward the goal of kids who listen at home because they will listen outside the house and be responsible citizens and valued members of our society. We desperately need this, and our homeschool community is the hope I see for our humanity!
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