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    Comedy

    The Topical

    The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

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    Copyright: © The Onion

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    Latest Episodes:
    The Final Episode Of The Topical May 20, 2021

    Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce Feb 05, 2021

    Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird Feb 04, 2021

    It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees Feb 03, 2021

    Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted Feb 02, 2021

    Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God Feb 01, 2021

    It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command Jan 29, 2021

    Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan Jan 28, 2021

    Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’ Jan 27, 2021

    Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids Jan 26, 2021

    And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters Jan 25, 2021

    Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law Jan 22, 2021

    We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden Jan 21, 2021

    Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club Jan 20, 2021

    For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse Jan 19, 2021

    It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant Jan 18, 2021

    Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal Jan 15, 2021

    Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue Jan 14, 2021

    Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second Jan 13, 2021

    Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines Jan 12, 2021

    Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get Jan 11, 2021

    Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash Jan 08, 2021

    Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom Jan 07, 2021

    Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room Jan 06, 2021

    Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname Jan 05, 2021

    Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken Jan 04, 2021

    Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’ Dec 24, 2020

    On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021 Dec 23, 2020

    Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle Dec 22, 2020

    Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day Dec 21, 2020

    Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad Dec 18, 2020

    Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame Dec 17, 2020

    Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It Dec 16, 2020

    Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List Dec 15, 2020

    Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology Dec 14, 2020

    Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month Dec 11, 2020

    Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals Dec 10, 2020

    Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama Dec 09, 2020

    Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud Dec 08, 2020

    Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt Dec 07, 2020

    OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape Dec 04, 2020

    Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside Dec 03, 2020

    Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved Dec 02, 2020

    Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year Dec 01, 2020

    From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell Nov 30, 2020

    Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger Nov 26, 2020

    On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving Nov 25, 2020

    Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy Nov 24, 2020

    Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit Nov 23, 2020

    Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire Nov 20, 2020

    Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years Nov 19, 2020

    Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site Nov 18, 2020

    If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon Nov 17, 2020

    Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night Nov 16, 2020

    Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets Nov 13, 2020

    Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope Nov 12, 2020

    Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom Nov 11, 2020

    On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider Nov 10, 2020

    Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus Nov 09, 2020

    Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream Nov 06, 2020

    Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants Nov 05, 2020

    Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow Nov 04, 2020

    Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results Nov 04, 2020

    Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 Election coverage throughout the night.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters Nov 03, 2020

    Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins Nov 03, 2020

    Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name Nov 02, 2020

    Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out Oct 30, 2020

    A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly Oct 29, 2020

    And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President Oct 28, 2020

    Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks Oct 27, 2020

    Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids Oct 26, 2020

    OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps?

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator Oct 23, 2020

    Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End Oct 22, 2020

    Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison Oct 21, 2020

    Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group Oct 20, 2020

    Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama Oct 19, 2020

    Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus Oct 16, 2020

    L’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true?

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Oct 15, 2020

    Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure Oct 14, 2020

    Because, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks Oct 13, 2020

    Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’ Oct 12, 2020

    The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good Oct 09, 2020

    Oh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day Oct 08, 2020

    Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School Oct 07, 2020

    Like, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America Oct 06, 2020

    Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Small Town Ravished By Alejandro Oct 05, 2020

    We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds Oct 02, 2020

    New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet Oct 01, 2020

    Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line Sep 30, 2020

    Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October Sep 29, 2020

    Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park Sep 28, 2020

    Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit Sep 25, 2020

    Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value Sep 24, 2020

    It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards Sep 23, 2020

    After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.

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    National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine Sep 22, 2020

    Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.

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    Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers Sep 21, 2020

    Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.



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    Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want Sep 18, 2020

    Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.

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    Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation Sep 17, 2020

    On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.



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    Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal Sep 16, 2020

    Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters.

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    NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape Sep 15, 2020

    Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.



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    New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji Sep 14, 2020

    The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.



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    Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds Sep 11, 2020

    Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky.




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    Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life Sep 10, 2020

    Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage.



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    Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover Sep 09, 2020

    Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen.

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    Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet Sep 08, 2020

    Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act.


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    Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here Sep 07, 2020

    The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.


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    BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window Sep 04, 2020

    And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah.

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    Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity Sep 03, 2020

    Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.



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    Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent Sep 02, 2020

    Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.



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    Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree Sep 01, 2020

    Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.



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    Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens Aug 31, 2020

    Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked?

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    Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins Aug 28, 2020

    OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.



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    Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere Aug 27, 2020

    Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster.




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    Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties Aug 26, 2020

    Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people.



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    ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half Aug 25, 2020

    Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel.

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    Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide Aug 24, 2020

    A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy.

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    New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail Aug 21, 2020

    From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate.



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    Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri Aug 20, 2020

    We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago.



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    Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans Aug 19, 2020

    Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before.



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    Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry Aug 18, 2020

    We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.



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    Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office Aug 17, 2020

    What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable.



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    New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’ Aug 14, 2020

    It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film.

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    As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There Aug 13, 2020

    Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break.



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    TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids Aug 12, 2020

    The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students.

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    Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds Aug 11, 2020

    We have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign.



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    Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt Aug 10, 2020

    Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way.

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    NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun Aug 07, 2020

    The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core.

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    Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security Aug 06, 2020

    OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together?

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    Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement Aug 05, 2020

    Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night.

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    Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People Aug 04, 2020

    The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?

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    Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee Aug 03, 2020

    Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.

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    Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake Jul 31, 2020

    Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.

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    Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 Jul 30, 2020

    Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.

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    Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies Jul 29, 2020

    They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap?

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    U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline Jul 28, 2020

    The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.

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    Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans Jul 27, 2020

    OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.



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    Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex Jul 24, 2020

    More couples are being forced to move in with other family members to cut costs, but how is it affecting their sex life? Hear how residing along the putrefying remains of Mother can result in a noticeable down turn in your desire to get it on with your partner.

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    Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do Jul 23, 2020

    In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.

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    Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy Jul 22, 2020

    Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear.

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    CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools Jul 21, 2020

    The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture.



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    Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival Jul 20, 2020

    It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe.



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    Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice Jul 17, 2020

    Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better.



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    Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years Jul 16, 2020

    Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye.

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    IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year Jul 15, 2020

    Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family.

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    New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible Jul 14, 2020

    Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.

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    Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading Jul 13, 2020

    Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

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    New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth Jul 10, 2020

    Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean?

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    FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide Jul 09, 2020

    OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.



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    City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims Jul 08, 2020

    Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.



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    Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes Jul 07, 2020

    Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?

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    Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place Jul 06, 2020

    The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.

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    Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs Jun 26, 2020

    We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry.

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    Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House Jun 25, 2020

    FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers.



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    IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger Jun 24, 2020

    Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it.

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    Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type Jun 23, 2020

    Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.

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    Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday Jun 22, 2020

    Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.

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    Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked Jun 19, 2020

    It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.

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    Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction Jun 18, 2020

    Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.

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    Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option Jun 17, 2020

    The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?

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    NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint Jun 16, 2020

    Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.

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    Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote Jun 15, 2020

    Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.



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    Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony Jun 12, 2020

    For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior.




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    New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway Jun 11, 2020

    More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all.

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    NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 Jun 10, 2020

    Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.

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    Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr. Jun 09, 2020

    Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.

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    New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure Jun 08, 2020

    It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.

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    Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality Jun 05, 2020

    Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.



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    Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography Jun 04, 2020

    Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.

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    Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants Jun 03, 2020

    Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.



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    Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land Jun 02, 2020

    Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.



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    Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters Jun 01, 2020

    State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.

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    NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot May 29, 2020

    All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it.



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    Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus May 28, 2020

    Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.



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    What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited? May 27, 2020

    More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.



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    Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up May 26, 2020

    The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.

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    Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All May 25, 2020

    Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.




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    Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps May 22, 2020

    In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.


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    Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season May 21, 2020

    Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.

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    U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country May 20, 2020

    The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.



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    Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret May 19, 2020

    The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American’s could give about the new discovery.



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    Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents May 18, 2020

    An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.



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    Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are May 15, 2020

    He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.

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    New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds May 14, 2020

    The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.




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    Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January May 13, 2020

    Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.



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    Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot May 12, 2020

    Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.



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    Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus May 11, 2020

    Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.




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    Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World May 08, 2020

    Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.

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    Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights May 07, 2020

    With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.

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    Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers May 06, 2020

    In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO.




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    Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister May 05, 2020

    Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.


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    The Topical Wins A Pulitzer May 04, 2020

    It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work.


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    Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm May 01, 2020

    The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.

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    This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money Apr 30, 2020

    When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.

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    Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines Apr 29, 2020

    And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.

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    Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away Apr 28, 2020

    More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.



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    TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet Apr 27, 2020

    Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the

    coronavirus.

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    Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked Apr 24, 2020

    With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh.

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    Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine Apr 23, 2020

    Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.



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    Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination Apr 22, 2020

    He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.


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    Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work Apr 21, 2020

    Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work.

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    CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask Apr 20, 2020

    The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.

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    Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators Apr 17, 2020

    The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking.

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    ‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity Apr 16, 2020

    The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?

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    Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It Apr 15, 2020

    It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?

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    Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes Apr 14, 2020

    Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.

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    Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores Apr 13, 2020

    Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough?

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    European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End Apr 10, 2020

    While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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    European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera! Apr 08, 2020

    Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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    European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price Apr 06, 2020

    Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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    CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price Apr 03, 2020

    After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.

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    CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls Apr 02, 2020

    After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all?

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    CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door Apr 01, 2020

    Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked?

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    CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices Mar 31, 2020

    Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.

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    CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic Mar 30, 2020

    OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.

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    Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants Mar 27, 2020

    It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.

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    NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars Mar 26, 2020

    It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.

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    National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose Mar 25, 2020

    His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?

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    Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020 Mar 24, 2020

    The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?

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    God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass Mar 23, 2020

    The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.

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    NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid Mar 20, 2020

    A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.



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    Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near Mar 19, 2020

    But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?

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    Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist Mar 18, 2020

    Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.

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    Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough Mar 17, 2020

    The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.

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    Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time Mar 16, 2020

    The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.

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    An Alarming Crime Scene In New England Mar 13, 2020

    What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.

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    Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence Mar 12, 2020

    The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.

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    Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building Mar 11, 2020

    Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame.

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    Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond? Mar 10, 2020

    A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy.

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    Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems Mar 09, 2020

    Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him.

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    FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground Mar 06, 2020

    New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air?

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    CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus Mar 05, 2020

    New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.

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    Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church Mar 04, 2020

    Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?

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    White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Mar 03, 2020

    On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.

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    DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine Mar 02, 2020

    Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.

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    Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog Feb 28, 2020

    This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?

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    CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad Feb 27, 2020

    Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”

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    CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels Feb 26, 2020

    It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly?

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    Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park Feb 25, 2020

    The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds.A really big bear, too.

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    Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment Feb 24, 2020

    Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.

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    Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person Feb 21, 2020

    It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    God In Critical Condition Feb 20, 2020

    The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.

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    Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success Feb 19, 2020

    Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.

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    Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’ Feb 18, 2020

    A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.

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    Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist Feb 17, 2020

    The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.

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    Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow Feb 14, 2020

    On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.

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    Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes Feb 13, 2020

    The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.

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    FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam Feb 12, 2020

    It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.

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    Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’ Feb 11, 2020

    The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?

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    Oscars Ceremony Ruined Feb 10, 2020

    Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.

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    A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion Feb 07, 2020

    Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.

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    Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower? Feb 06, 2020

    The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.

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    Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is Feb 05, 2020

    Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?

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    The EPA Takes A Stand Feb 04, 2020

    EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.

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    A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa Feb 03, 2020

    His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?

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    Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart Jan 31, 2020

    Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors.

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    A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein Jan 30, 2020

    The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break.

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    A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa Jan 29, 2020

    The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.

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    The Onion Presents The Topical Jan 11, 2020

    The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its last dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 p.m. Eastern time.

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