The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

448 SelfWork: Watching My Mother Disappear May 30, 2025

Show notes

Today's episode is about watching my mother disappear.

She wasn't a magician; she didn't physically leave all of us. She disappeared after she very bravely went into rehab and got off the massive amounts of prescription drugs she'd been taking for decades.

My mother would've been 100 years of age this week, a feat she wouldn't have liked as she hated aging. I think of her a lot but decided that, in an episode that I hope honors her, I wanted to describe how addictions to prescription drugs can happen so easily.

She was beautiful, very thin, and smart - all the things women were supposed to be in the 1960's. And when she sought help for what were panic attacks, she was handed her "nerve pills." And that was it.

This is a repeat episode. And her story bears repeating. She once said, "I wish I'd known what these meds were doing to me."

And I want you to know. Please share with anyone who might be struggling.

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

YGTG SelfWork: AI and Therapy: Are You Chatting With A Bot? May 27, 2025

Show notes

Do you chat with a bot these days? Is AI feeling like therapy to you?

Here's a new "You get the gist" segment of SelfWork!

I was surprised the other day by someone saying that – in their battle with an upcoming divorce and ongoing separation – that they’d been talking with an AI chatbot. And that it was helping in its own way.

It reminded me a little bit of the first time a new client told me that they’d met their spouse or dating partner online. It was said with some embarrassment or certainly hesitation. “I know it’s kind of weird, but we were both on Match and it just worked out.”

What's it like to use AI to chat?

The guy that told me this wasn't, to me at least, a likely candidate to use AI. But he was very happy that he had "someone" to share his ideas and get feedback. Right in his own apartment after work.

Then I began wondering. “Maybe more do than they’re letting on. Maybe you listeners have tried it out.”

So I thought I'd ask! And will talk about your answers more in an upcoming episode of SelfWork!

Thanks ahead of time for your feedback!

Advertisers Links:

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

447 SelfWork: Seven Ways Conflict Can Work For You May 23, 2025

Show notes

Conflict can work for you and help you create more intimacy in your relationship.

I’ve worked with so many couples on how to work through conflict. And there are definite things to do and things not to do. As I said in the last episode (which you might want to listen to if you haven’t..) a relationship that avoids conflict, where one or both people don’t talk about the elephant in the room, is also avoiding (or not creating) intimacy. If they sense conflict, one or both will change the subject. Or there’ll never seem to be time for “that thing we’ve been saying we need to talk about.”

Today we’re going to address seven excuses or justifications (or what may be wrongly called “reasons”) how conflict sticks around – and doesn’t get worked through. And we’ll also focus on how to realistically approach conflict in ways that promote greater understanding and intimacy.

Vital Links:

Difficulty with apathy in a relationship

Harvard Article on conflict resolution

The Visibility Gap Podcast

Advertisers Links:

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

446 SelfWork: If You're Avoiding Conflict, You're Avoiding Intimacy May 16, 2025

Show notes

In this episode, we’re going to focus on nine very real consequences or dangers of avoiding conflict in partnerships, in marriages, and in committed relationships. It’s a response to a listener’s question – and I’ll read a part of her email. In general, conflict-avoidant relationships also become intimacy-avoidant relationships. Avoiding the conflict can stem from fear of the loss of the relationship or defensiveness. And it can lead to everything from bitterness and resentment to affairs.

Next week, we’ll focus on how you can learn to handle and cope with conflict in relationships where it’s safe to express it. It's a skill that you can practice and learn with each other - and grow your emotional and even sexual intimacy even further.

Content links...

YouTube video on affairs

SelfWork episode on talking with someone you love about suicidal thoughts

Advertisers Links:

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

445 SelfWork: Fighting for Ella: A Conversation About Suicide Preventionwith Martha and Chris Thomas May 09, 2025

Show notes

Today on SelfWork, we're talking with a mother and father whose beloved daughter Ella, at age 24, died by suicide. And how they've dedicated their lives to suicide prevention.

I was introduced to Martha and Chris Thomas through a family member who told me about their daughter’s suicide. They’ve chosen a path, along with their son Solomon, an NFL football player, to try and keep any other family from living through the horrific pain they've experienced. And more importantly, to keep others who might be going through what Ella was experiencing to consider suicide.

The Defensive Line...

First and foremost, they've created a non-profit suicide prevention website as well as offering many programs through it; It's called The Defensive Line. And they are reaching coaches, teachers, families - anyone who might not understand the pressure that young people, especially young people of color, are trying to handle.

Not only are they incredibly transparent about their own individual struggles. Solomon, who plays professional football battled suicidal thoughts himself after Ella’s death. Martha went to his NFL team leadership to help her help her son, “I can’t lose another child.” She realized that he might greatly resent her for that. But had to take the chance.

And Chris - drowning himself in alcohol to cope – and realizing that was far from the way he could honor Ella. Now he's sober and working alongside Martha and Solomon to reach more young people, especially young people of color. Ella’s struggles were complex, but some were rooted in the fact that she was biracial. She also experienced a brutal rape, which she kept a secret for years.

Working toward suicide prevention...

I’m honored to introduce the SelfWork audience to this family. Their ongoing mission is to speak anywhere and do anything they can to stop anyone from dying by suicide. Martha says quite fervently, “Ella should be alive.” Sadly, the way she is alive is through the dedication and love her family have for her.

I almost feel as if I know Ella. And hopefully, you will too. And realize that you can never take for granted that someone is “okay” because they seem “okay.”

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

444 SelfWork: How to Heal Your Mind Through Your Body: A Conversation with Karden Rabin May 02, 2025

Show notes

If you want to find out how to heal your mind through your body, this interview with the very kind and compassionate Karden Rabin is a must-listen.

Drawing on decades of research in neuroplasticity, psychology, trauma, behavior, clinical experience with clients, and their own personal journeys of recovering from chronic illness and pain, Jennifer and Karden teach readers how to learn and ‘speak’ the language of the nervous system. Following a simple yet powerful approach called A I R, readers are guided through three stages of regulation:

Awareness: Listening to the messages in your body through breath, action, sensations, emotions, and language.
Interruption: stopping the unhelpful patterns in your nervous system and modifying the responses to achieve regulation
Redesign: rewiring the habits that have been keeping you stuck in order to settle and heal your nervous system, mind and body.

How to heal your mind through your body...

Complete with helpful illustrations of somatic exercises, THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF THE BODY offers a revolutionary look at how we can treat chronic mental and physical illness and empowers us all to unlock the secret language of the nervous system.

Advertisers Links:

Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

443 SelfWork: What to Do About Emotional Manipulation Apr 25, 2025

Show notes

Emotional manipulation can be hard to figure out. But when you do, it's also hard to know what to do about it.

So today, I’m going to use two such questions from listeners to give you some ideas. First is from a mom who took care of her granddaughter a lot early on – and now feels that her daughter and her relationship has become toxic and the daughter is withholding her child from her.

Second is from a woman who has “lots” kids with a man she’s been married to for many years. But she also writes that he's intensely enmeshed with his parents, choosing to spend much time with them over her, their kids, and/or her parents. And then blames her for not supporting him. What she seems to be describing is not having any true trust or shared goals with her husband.

Here are three helpful questions to ask yourself is you're the victim of emotional manipulation:

How do you figure out you’re being manipulated?
What are you afraid will happen if you confront the manipulation? .
If you choose to act, what’s a healthy way to move forward?

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!
Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

442 SelfWork: How to Get Over the Feeling That You're Not Important Apr 18, 2025

Show notes

Today we’re going to focus on the feeling that you're not important - a feeling likely created by how you were parented.

How does this happen? Your parents' careers came first. The parents themselves came first for one another, only caring for the child as a secondhand and almost bothersome activity. Your being wasn’t celebrated – instead what you could achieve got some notice, as long as you continued to be successful. Your parent was overly self-involved because of their own trauma or mental illness – and never was it explained to you what was truly going on – so you believed you weren’t enough.

At its worst, the dynamic of not feeling that you're important is rejection. At the best, it can feel like conditional love. And in between, the now adult child could feel a deep sense of emptiness and insecurity that they may seek to fill up in a myriad of ways.

Our listener voicemail is a shocking reminder of what can happen when a parent doesn’t guide a child (no matter how old) to separate from them – to encourage them to live their own lives. But rather, instills in them at a young age that their job is to stay close to the parent. And an emotional codependence is encouraged.

Vital Links:

Bob Waldinger's interview on the Harvard study of happiness

Seven steps out of enmeshment: SelfWork episode

Advertisers Links:

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

441 SelfWork: How to Grow From Self-Doubt and Failure Apr 11, 2025

Show notes

Today on SelfWork, we’re focusing on self-doubt and how to grow from failure. Or what you’re calling failure.

But labeling something as a failure can be used in several different ways , can’t it? It can be motivating, or it can stop you in your tracks. It can cause tremendous embarrassment, even shame, or you can use it to grow. What you tell yourself about failure has such a strong impact on whether it leads you into depression, even apathy, or whether you take that failure in stride and integrate it – make it a part of your learning and keeping on keeping on.

The power of self-doubt or what you tell yourself about failure is very important to whether you let those failures define you and cause you extreme self-doubt and paralysis. Or whether you accept failure – but not define yourself by it.

The listener voicemail for today is asking about a topic that I’ve already begun as another episode! So, I’m doing some research on it as we speak. But his questions were so good – and I’m pretty sure there are many of you with similar questions about AI Companions… so let’s hear his message!

Vital Links:

SelfWork episode on imposter syndrome

Jeff Haden's article on self-doubt in Inc. Magazine

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

440 SelfWork: Raising Good Humans: A Conversation with Hunter Clarke-Fields Apr 04, 2025

Show notes

One of the hardest tasks we take on as humans is raising children.

Many of us do a pretty good job of raising children. But many of us don't. Sadly, our kids are often left to become adults themselves and bear the scars of our anger, our addictions, or our neglect. And if they don't do something differently than we did, they can perpetuate the problem.

Raising children poorly can then be passed on. It's called transgenerational trauma. And it's very real.

Hunter Clarke-Fields didn't want to do that. And she tells us how she recognized that her anger with her children was something she needed to change, and how mindfulness and meditation helped her do that.

Now she wants to help you learn what's been so healing for her. Hunter is the host of the Mindful Mama Podcast, number #1 bestselling author of Raising Good Humans and her newest, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and creator of the Mindful Parenting Course. She has over 20 years of experience in meditation and has taught mindful parenting to thousands worldwide.