The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

429 SelfWork: Seven Good Reasons to Stop Therapy Jan 17, 2025

Show notes

What are seven good reasons to stop therapy? That's the focus of this week's SelfWork!

It’s often a very moving moment when you leave therapy. Here’s someone that you’ve trusted and confided in for weeks or months – or sometimes even years. And it’s time to walk out of their office and do without that resource. As I like to say, it’s my job to do myself out of a job. And I celebrate with people I’ve worked with when they leave to hopefully use the skills learned, and enjoy the feelings of having worked through whatever pain or trauma had been plaguing them.

But there are other good reasons to stop therapy - and we'll talk about seven of them.

Our listener voicemail this week is a bit different; the topic is how to handle your feelings if you’re a caregiver, but the person you’re caring for led a life of self-neglect, which inevitably led to the illness they have now.

Vital Links:

Cathy Sikorski's SelfWork episode

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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428 SelfWork: The Shame and Self-Blame Game Jan 10, 2025

Show notes

The focus today is on what I call "the shame and self-blame game."

One listener told me recently that she wondered for a long time - “Did I allow my abuse?” How many of you feel to blame for your own abuse? And does that very shame and self-blame make it even more important to keep what happened secret? You bet it can. It’s this irrational shame we’re going to tackle. Because you’re looking back on what happened with the eyes of an adult - not through the eyes of the child you were. And that's a very vital distinction.

Our listener voicemail asks a simple question: How can I help my daughter who fits your description of perfectly hidden depression to a tee? I’m so scared for her. It’s a great question because it’s respecting or sensing how difficult it might be for your loved one to look at themselves with compassion.

Vital Links:

SelfWork Episode: Learning how to feel and release difficult emotions –

Check out my YouTube channel !

Good Will Hunting YouTube clip

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

427 SelfWork: The Horrors of Marital Rape Jan 03, 2025

Show notes

We’re talking about sexual abuse today – to be more specific, the horrors of marital rape. Please if you have any kind of history of abuse which many of you I’m sure do – please listen cautiously as the facts of the case could be highly triggering for you. For international abuse hotlines please click here.

You may have heard about the French woman, Gisèle Pelicot, who was the victim of multiple rapes – by multiple men including her husband – while drugged. This occurred over several years. All men were found guilty.

I know many men who voice their horrors of marital rape, or any sexual violence. And I’ve worked with male victims of sexual abuse. Yet women live with fear every day – that the simplest of choices, like turning on a light when you get into your apartment or making a choice to jog a different way home – as now, if someone was watching you, they’d know where you live or they’d get you alone. The fear is constant for girls and women, and often occurs in marriage and families.

Our listener voicemail is from someone who finds that she’s mimicking the very harsh anger she’d heard from a parent - and hated – so what’s going on when you begin to do what you don’t want to do or become who you don’t want to be? She’s taken the first step of awareness and hopefully I can suggest the next ones.

Vital Links:

The Independent (Great Britain) article on the Pelicot case/arrest

HuffPost article by a victim of rape in response to the Pelicot case

Guardian article challenging the idea that "rape is more about power than sex"

Psych Today article in 2022 giving marital rape statistics

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

426 SelfWork: You Only Die Once: A Conversation with Jodi Wellman Dec 27, 2024

Show notes

You Only Die Once, written by positive psychologist Jodi Wellman, has this very important message - being aware of your last moment can help you live this one more fully.

She's a devout believer in not wasting the time you have, not spending this moment in dread or apathy. Statistically speaking, we're given four thousand Mondays in our lifetime to live. So savoring those moments, realizing that every minute of every day holds meaning, is vital to your happiness.

Both in her book, You Only Die Once, and her TEDxtalk, she uses her quirky humor and very welcome common sense to urge each one of us to live more deeply and die with no regret.

Advertiser's Link:

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425 SelfWork: Six Steps Out of Loneliness Dec 20, 2024

Show notes

Today we’re going to talk about loneliness – and how one article I read drew some conclusions about it that made a lot of sense to me. One major point – we can’t or shouldn’t harken back to older times and think we need to create those now. That’s not the answer. Cell phones, virtual meetings or classes, working from home, pandemic hangover – none of that is going to go away. We’re not suddenly going to help a neighbor raise a barn or birth a baby. So we’ve got to understand there’s no going back and instead look forward to new ideas and solutions to address thie epidemic of loneliness. .

So, what is that solution? I’ll put in my two bits per normal here on SelfWork. And it has to do with not believing your thoughts but realizing that they may be painting a reality that’s simply not true.

Our voicemail today is from a listener in Australia – although her home is the US – and she describes going through a hard time – feeling alone – and how one of my podcasts on the good enough parent was helpful to her.

Vital Links:

The New York Times article by Matthew Shaer

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

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424 SelfWork: The New Feeling Great App! Talking with Dr. David Burns Dec 13, 2024

Show notes

We're announcing a new CBT app, the Feeling Great App! ! It's founded by one of the forefathers of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, David Burns MD. He's a renowned psychiatrist, and as we learn in this episode, a doctor who fought the odds to create a technique to treat depression that actually worked.

Dr. Burns is the best-selling author of the books Feeling Good and Feeling Great, which have sold over 7 million combined copies worldwide. Users of the Feeling Great App, have reported a reduction in depressive feelings, on average, a whopping 55%, with similar reductions in anger, loneliness, and other difficult emotions.

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

423 SelfWork: The Gifts of Saying No Dec 06, 2024

Show notes

What are the gifts of saying no?

The word that’s often used to talk about this is ‘boundary.’ Do you have trouble saying no? Or can you identify the how, when, where, and why to say no? Or put another way, when to say yes? We’ll focus on how much of your decision-making is affected by depression or anxiety, or even personality disorders that have a huge bearing on how you decide to say no.

Our voicemail today is from a young woman whose mother is highly volatile at home – but who can be quite loving and wonderful at other times. She’d read my article on borderline mothers, and it strongly resonated with her – I’m sure some of you can also relate. It’s a very confusing family dynamic but one that’s more common perhaps than you might think. I’ll have the article in the show notes.

Vital Links:

My YouTube Channel! Click here.

SelfWork episode on people pleasing

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

422 SelfWork: Acknowledging Emotional Abuse Nov 29, 2024

Show notes

Acknowledging emotional abuse can be difficult but it's just as much "abuse" as its physical and sexual counterparts.

I received an email recently that again brought to life the emotional cruelty that can be the reality of some children. In fact, his story reminded me of many others I’ve heard – of how someone in authority can be not just manipulative but emotionally abusive. The harm is intentional. The power exerted over that child is meant to demean – to assert complete dominance.

One of the hardest things about being a therapist is hearing the stories of what parents do to their children. Their stories stay in your mind and your heart, with images popping into your awareness when triggered by something you see on social media or in a movie. Because you know this stuff is real – what can go on “behind closed doors” as they say can be horrific.

So today on SelfWork, we’re talking about emotional abuse and the damage it causes. I’m going to ask that if you have severe trauma in your background, that you listen to this episode carefully. It may bring your own memories back into focus – and you might not be ready for that. I’ve included international help line numbers for you to use if needed.

Vital Links:

International Crisis Help Lines

Dr. Margaret's YouTube Channel

Link for self sabotage article in Psychology Today

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

421 SelfWork: How Couples Therapy Began: A Conversation with Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt Nov 22, 2024

Show notes

In this episode we learn exactly how couples therapy began.

When you’re called “the couple from hell” by your own therapist, that’s something to think about. But Harville Hendrix and his wife of several decades, Helen Hunt, took that all in stride. They're the authors of the book “Getting the Love You Want” which sold millions of copies and put them, when it was published in 1988, on the top of the world of relational or couples therapy.

In this intriguing interview, they talk about how working through their own conflict led them to defining the stages that they’re now famous for identifying. And what’s even more refreshing – Harville especially gives credit to his own couples for coming up with the language to ask for what you want. Then Harville took their words and transformed them into concepts like mirroring, validation, and showing empathy, which were new to the field, as most clinicians had only been trained in individual psychotherapy. And at the time, couples work was mostly parallel psychotherapy. They were instrumental in couples finally facing each other in therapy – and listening to each other in a totally new way.

Their new book, “How to Talk With Anyone About Anything ” is their new passion. They teach how to build safety into conversations between all kinds of people, even those that vehemently disagree with one another. They both hope to guide people in how to actually listen and literally, talk with anyone about anything.

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

420 SelfWork: How to Manage Your Emotions Nov 15, 2024

Show notes

Today we’re going to talk about how to manage your emotions. Sometimes you might feel as though you can’t feel anything, other times that you feel too much and your emotions are leading you to the choices you’re making. Or you can feel that you’re stuck in a feeling – or you’re portraying an emotion to others that perhaps you don’t recognize or mean to (usually a case of ‘how’ you’re saying something than ‘what’ you’re saying). I found the work of Eric Barker, a best-selling author (his last book “Plays Well with Others,” released by HarperCollins in May of 2022), who writes about how to manage your emotions. He offers four steps: Realize, Recognize, Refine, and Reframe to Regulate.

Our listener voicemail is from young woman, 20, who says she lives in an ethnic household, and after reading an article I wrote about borderline personality disorder – that she sees her mother as suffering with BPD. I’ll include the article in the show notes so that you can read it as well – and you might find yourself in the same boat as this young woman.