The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

221 SelfWork: Getting To Happiness Thru Gratitude Mar 05, 2021

Show notes

We're killing two birds with one stone on this episode of SelfWork, one again sponsored by BetterHelp. I talk about a recent Ted Radio Hour interview I heard with A.J. Jacobs. He's the author of the recent new book Thanks A Thousand. He did a fascinating and arduous life study of how to make himself happier - and wondered if expressing gratitude would get him there. What did he do? He chased down everyone that even had a minuscule amount of responsibility for providing his morning cup of coffee - and thanked them.

He was using - whether he knew it or not - the "as if" method that can be very effective in therapy to move toward changing your behavior. You basically make choices "as if" you already had the trait you're trying to learn - or try on for size. You act "as if" you believed in yourself. You act "as if" you're relaxed or not anxious. And lo and behold, your actions lead you to feel like you do believe in yourself or you're not so anxious. It's a matter of focus.

The listener email this week is from a woman who states concern over someone whose lost a parent that they were enmeshed with, but have never recognized the enmeshment. And now that parent is gone. How can she help and what can she expect?

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A.J. Jacobs episode of The Ted Radio Hour

Dr. Margaret's blogpost on enmeshment.

Psych Central Article by Sharon Martin on traits of enmeshment

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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220 SelfWork: Careers That Kill: A Conversation with Dr. Adam Hill Feb 26, 2021

Show notes

This is the first in a series here on SelfWork about careers that can kill. Over the next few months, we're going to interview people who are led to careers that hold within them the ever-increasing danger of suicidal ideation or suicide itself. Doctors, police officers, the military. We are losing the people that we, as a culture, expect to do very difficult jobs psychologically. Yet the professions themselves don't encourage mental health treatment, or even disparage those that reveal struggle.

Sometimes you don’t know why, but you’re drawn to someone or to their story. Adam Hill is one of those people for me. Adam presented himself as a thoughtful guy as well as being a doctor who’d trained as a pediatric oncologist at some of the finest schools and research centers the USA has to offer. And then came the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic. He's the author of Long Walk Out of The Woods – which when you read the book, you totally get that he’s not simply talking metaphorically, but quite literally -as he nearly ended his own life in a deep, sheltered place in the woods.

So I wanted to talk to this man who’d risked everything career-wise to reveal his struggle with severe depression and alcoholism – and become not only a doctor, but now a mental health advocate whose fighting to change how his profession’s licensing boards and entire medical community views seeking help for mental illness or substance abuse.

So I present to you Dr. Adam Hill. His story is riveting and may carry within it something important for you or your loved one to hear.

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SelfWork YGTG: Do Empaths Actually Exist? Here's The Debate Feb 24, 2021

Show notes

Today I’m sharing the work of Stacey Wright, a psychotherapist in Georgia whose work is frequently featured on The Mighty. She specializes in the treatment of highly sensitive people. I thought what she had to say was very clear in her latest article on The Mighty. And she further distinguishes those who are highly sensitive (HSP) people to those she terms true "empaths."

And yet there's debate about the term and even the concept of an "empath" being a noun is disputed as an appropriate label for someone who's simply highly empathetic. We can hear the other side as it's voiced by Rick Cormier, a retired psychotherapist and author of Mixed Nuts, He says the term was lifted from Star Trek, in fact was made up by its creators, and doesn't exist other than in science fiction. It's a hot debate!

Whatever you believe, you can make up your own mind – But I hope you get the gist.

Important Links:

Contact Stacey Wright through her blog!

The Mighty's new podcast!

Judith Orloff’s newest book on thriving as an empath

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219 SelfWork: Four Tips On Avoiding Pandemic Burnout With Your Pandemic Partner Feb 19, 2021

Show notes

"I want this over!!" is being shouted from the rooftops by many after this round of holidays held little release from the sacrifices we are all making. But pandemic fatigue can easily morph into pandemic burnout, meaning that whatever skills you’d been using to dig a little deeper or find some laughter or hope – those skills are maxed out . It's easy to take frustration out on the person who's your pandemic partner. And the three facets of burnout - excessive fatigue, detachment and cynicism, and a feeling of lack of accomplishment - can too easily be focused on your relationship. So in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll also focus on four considerations that might help you realize that the pandemic is dramatizing what are fairly normal facets of long relationships.

What are these four considerations?

Realize the problem could lie with you as you might've become clinically depressed.
Be aware of how others might be negatively impacting how you think about your partner.
Consider which of your disappointments in your partner are tied in with things you love about them. You don't get one without the other.
Recognize that you might not be "in sync" with one another, living almost parallel lives, and try to listen and respond more kindly and lovingly.

The listener email is from a mom who’s confused about her children saying she’s coming across as needy when she feels all she’s doing is letting them all know she’s thinking of them and praying for them. So I’ll answer her as best I can – and you can decide what you think as well!

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

. An article in EveryDay Health talks about pandemic fatigue

Find out how pandemic burnout is defined in this article in New Scientist

Article on Intimate Partner Violence and how the pandemic has affecting hotline use

From Mom to Me Again: Wonderful book on managing empty nest .

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218 SelfWork: Explaining Hypnosis Feb 12, 2021

Show notes

Today in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re talking about hypnosis. Not only will I try to debunk the various myths there are out there about it, but help you understand exactly how it can work. I’ve been hypnotized several times myself and I’ll explain what I experienced. I’ve also been trained in hypnosis so I can explain what it’s like to actually do hypnosis; what you’re watching for in the client, how you set the process up for the most success. I’ll draw heavily on the work of Michael Yapko, whose trainings I’ve attended and who’s an international expert on hypnosis and its effectiveness with depression. It’s truly a fascinating experience – both to use it in therapy and to participate in it. And I'll include the most dramatic example I've had thus far in my practice of it helping my client tremendously with PTSD.

Our listener email today is from a woman who’s talking about something we touched on in last week’s episode about sexual abuse; that one of the lingering issues can be the strong association of sex with danger or dominance or even pain. Just how do you break that kind of connection so that normal healthy sexual intimacy can be enjoyed?

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Wikipedia description of hypnosis

Dr. Michael Yapko's definition and explanation of hypnosis

Harvard's brain scanning research using the brains of 57 people during guided hypnosis.

Article on the myths of hypnosis

A great article by psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Kheriaty explaining the mind/body connection in BDSM.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

A wonderful summary of Dr. Van Der Kolk's book

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SelfWork You Get the Gist (YGTG): Why Exactly Did I Write A Book? Feb 10, 2021

Show notes

Writing a book is the hardest and most labor-intensive task I've ever accomplished. And sometimes, while I was deep in the throws of its creation, I would wonder why I was doing it, even though I was so passionate about its message. What did I really hope would happen as a result? Well, two things have happened this week that remind me of why the topic of perfectly hidden depression is vital for our mental health culture- and you - to understand. The first was from a conversation I had with psychologist Lindsay Weisner, who was interviewing me and was reading Perfectly Hidden Depression. The second was an email from a middle-aged man who was shocked at his own identification with PHD - and what that realization was leading him to do.

Such an honor. None of us ever know how others will perceive what we do or what we try to offer, do we?

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

217 SelfWork: When Brothers and Sisters Abuse One Another Feb 05, 2021

Show notes

Trigger Warning: If you choose to listen to this episode on sibling sexual abuse, please keep your own self-care in mind. I’ll have international sexual abuse hotline numbers in the show notes: But the US hotline is 1-800-656-4673.

Sibling sexual abuse is a complex and painful subject that's vastly underreported. And it can happen in any home, anywhere. How is it different than normal sexual curiosity between siblings? What sets the environment up for it to occur? Why don't they tell a parent? How does it affect its victims? What if they themselves repeated or even forced sexual activity on others in the family? I'll use a case from my own practice to talk about how and when it can occur - and as always, what a parent or loved one can do about it. What's important to know from the beginning is that sexual abuse isn't only about sex; it's much more about control and grabbing power.

In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll go over in detail a very moving email I received – and I'll point out the language used by the writer, a victim of sibling abuse. You'll be able to hear for yourself her confusion about blame, responsibility, shame, and fear.

Listener Email: (Bolded sections created by Dr. Rutherford)

What do you do if you're carrying the guilt and shame of being sexually abused as a child, but also the guilt of taking part in the abuse? My abuse started when I was probably 2 years old by my sisters and cousins who were all older than me. Then I was taught to do things as a child and my first and only sexual experiences were us kids doing sexual acts to each other. This went on until I was about 11/12. Family member's were involved and no one talks about it to this day but I suffer mentally with it. I feel like it was my fault, mostly because my sister's (the two who abused me would say this to me, and that I didn't speak up. And when I was 7 I was raped by a male family friend. I never told. Now as an almost 40yr old woman I still feel ashamed, like someone should have stopped it.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Facts about sibling abuse from a VeryWell Mind

SelfWork episode on the Karpman Triangle

Article on the cycle of sexual abuse and outcomes for victims; Article in VeryWell Mind

SelfWork episode on the shame associated with sexual arousal during sexual abuse

Facts about sexual offenders

Sexual anorexia: What is it?

Healing the Shame That Binds You

Sexual Abuse Hotlines

https://www.childhelplineinternational.org/child-helplines/child-helpline-network/

https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html

https://www.rainn.org/

https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

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216 SelfWork: Is Your Life Picture Perfect or Truly Happy? Jan 29, 2021

Show notes

How much do you count on people "liking" or "following" you or the videos you put on Instagram, FB or TikTok? And are you really happy or does your life appear to others as happy? Is your self-esteem found in the present or does it lie in the amount of positive attention something gets on social media? This of course is part of creating the persona of perfectionism that I stress in my work on perfectly hidden depression. But today, we focus on the three components of true happiness and how to add happiness to almost any experience you have: Positive psychologists say that all you have to do is add pleasure, challenge or meaning - and happiness will arrive.

The listener email today is from someone who suffered childhood neglect and knows it’s affecting her relationships in her adult life. I’ll hope to help out where I can.

Hope you enjoy this episode on true happiness - sponsored by BetterHelp.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Victoria Garrick's TedX Talk “The Hidden Opponent”

Anuschka Rees' Article on three components of true happiness

Episode 124 of SelfWork: Learning From The Voices of Childhood Neglect

Psychology Today article by Dr. Grant Brenner:

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215 SelfWork: Ten Fears You Choose to Face When You Risk Giving Up Control Jan 22, 2021

Show notes

Today’s podcast is one that, if you’ve been listening to SelfWork for a while, you know that this topic has been my own personal passion – as it’s closely aligned with my work on perfectly hidden depression. We’ll talk about ten fears you face when you choose to give up or ease out of being or looking as if you're in total control.

Those ten fears are:

The fear of vulnerabilty
The fear of uncertainty or unpredictability
The fear of facing the past
The fear of your anger exploding as it's been long suppressed
The fear of not being able to forgive yourself/your imperfections
The fear of there being no other way to succeed
The fear of rejection
The fear of not being needed
The fear of being wrong
The fear of intimacy

The listener email comes from a graduate psychology student whose experiencing greater and greater insecurity as the end of her training approaches. She wants to know if I felt the same way and what recommendations I could make. How do you bolster your self-confidence when you can’t measure the success of your efforts?

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Episode 214 with Lewis Howes

Elliot Cohen Psychology Today article

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214 SelfWork: Three Ways to Govern Your Emotions (Rather Than Them Governing You) Jan 15, 2021

Show notes

If there’s ever been a time when we need to manage our emotions, it’s now. None of us are sure what these next few months will bring – or even 2021 – and that’s true on many fronts. So this week’s podcast is on managing your feelings. The term for doing this in psychology is emotional intelligence, aka EQ. Here's the definition: the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

Here are the three questions you'll find the answer to today!

1) Does one emotion govern you more than others? And if so, how that might be leading away from actual regulation and more toward instability?.

2) What are some actual things you can do to self-soothe or to learn how to not to react to your emotions, but to respond to them?

3) What to do if you don’t like the way you feel and want to change it.

The listener email today is from someone who strongly related to the fairly recent podcast on trauma bonding. She wanted to know a little more about it – and so I’m answering her question and telling about what I’ve learned both personally and professionally.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on leadership and emotional intelligence

SelfWork podcast on understanding and recognizing triggers

SelfWork podcast on becoming an emotional grownup

Dr. Michael Yapko's book Hand Me Down Blues

Daphne Kingma's book Coming Apart

An article in Well And Good about signs that a trauma bond is forming

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