The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

294 SelfWork: The Alarming Jungle of Mental Illness Misdiagnoses: A Conversation with Author and Activist Sarah Fay Jul 29, 2022

Show notes

If you've listened to SelfWork, or read my book Perfectly Hidden Depression, you know that I've cautioned about doctors and clinicians' overdependence on the DSM-V (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). In this riveting conversation with the author of Pathological: The True Story of Six Misdiagnoses and activist Sarah Fay, she tells her story of being labeled with six different diagnoses during three decade of treatment, all accompanied by prescribed medications with, at times, very difficult side effects, and numerous therapy techniques. Until finally, one psychiatrist told her - after the typical 30 minute initial visit - "I don't know what you have." His humility and caution changed her life, and she began looking into exactly what this "DSM" was and learning how subjective mental health diagnoses can be.

She's also quick to say that she's developed a healthy respect for mental health providers, as the field is a complex one to navigate. And as a provider myself, I know that there are many facets to "diagnosing" that have to be considered. That said, an accurate diagnosis takes more than 30 minutes to determine.

So, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I hope you'll learn more about how mental illness diagnoses are made - and how you can have a conversation with your provider or clinician to make sure that you are truly seen and understood, not "labeled."

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

293 SelfWork: Ten Common Birthplaces of The Shame You Never Deserved... But Carried With You Jul 22, 2022

Show notes

Shame. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Today, we’re going to focus on the shame that you may carry around – that doesn’t belong to you. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently, because they're flawed and were absorbed by you as a child.

You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and he’s become overly reclusive. But it sounds as if his biggest impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them which is self-sabotaging to the work. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

So please come with me today in this episode sponsored by AG1, as we discuss 10 sources of shame – and of course, what you can do about it…

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

SelfWork YGTG: When Too Much Self-Help Is... Too Much Jul 20, 2022

Show notes

Today's YGTG (You Get the Gist) is focused on self-help; can you seek out too much help? The answer is yes. Self-help can actually make some people feel inferior and ashamed, rather than better about themselves - especially if you inundate yourself with it, or are almost addicted to seeking out articles and TikTok's and Instagram reels. And... podcasts.

Even though I'm one of those people who are trying to offer my experience as a psychologist, I've often suggested to people that they need to stop looking outside of themselves for answers or waiting for just one more piece of information before they act. You can get into analysis paralysis - and time passes, and passes, and passes. And you do nothing - because you're so afraid of making a mistake.

So... if it will be helpful - truly helpful - please listen in to the wisdom of Mel Robbins and Mark Manson. But know you and only you can learn to trust yourself.

Vital Links:

Mel Robbins' five-second rule.

Great article by Mark Manson on the one thing that self-help cannot help you do.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

292 SelfWork Do You Stay In Emotional Chaos? How DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Can Help Jul 15, 2022

Show notes

Back when I was busy creating my own emotional chaos, my therapists used CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) and family systems therapy – both of which were very helpful to me. But today, we’re taking a dive into a therapy I wish had existed then ... DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Why? Because DBT teaches distinct tools for those whose decision-making is highly governed by their intense emotions. And those tools are not only practical, but practice-able.

What I learned when I took that dive was that the tools of DBT are immense! And there are way too many of them for one episode! So, we’re going to focus on one aspect of DBT – the role of distress tolerance - which is one of the four modules of DBT.

The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’s confused because her husband has told her he no longer has feelings for her -especially sexual feelings – and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll do my best to offer some ideas..

This episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp, consistently rated as one of the best online therapy opportunities out there. And I checked and here’s an article by BH on finding a DBT therapist – and they offer tremendous ideas! But today, they have an offer for SelfWork listeners!

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Follow along with this episode by clicking on the info from this DBT great website to learn more about DBT!

A wonderful article on BetterHelp on how to find a DBT-certified therapy near you!

General information from Psych Central on DBT.

A SelfWork episode on radical acceptance… and wow, it’s from almost 100 episodes ago!!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

291 SelfWork: The Elephant In The Room: Five Tips On Caring For Someone Who Won't Help Themselves Jul 08, 2022

Show notes

What's one of the most frequent questions I get from SelfWorkers?

What do you do when you care about someone who’s depressed or destructive or anxious or ill and they don’t seem to be able to or even want to help themselves? Maybe from your perspective they’ve given up, are in denial, or are extremely defensive about how they’re living or how their struggles are impacting you, the family, them, their job – their entire life. Part of many mental and emotional problems – especially those that involve seeming distortions in thinking – are hard to recognize by the person who has those very beliefs or behaviors. Or maybe they don't see their depression – or their impulsivity – or their hypervigilance – as something that could be helped and/or treated.

When you're trying to love them, you can feel confusion, helplessness, self-righteousness, anger, sadness, irritation, disappointment – so many emotions. So today, we'll focus on five tips of what to do – or try to do about it. And a quick hint… sometimes the “it” isn’t how to get your point across to the other person. Sometimes it means looking at yourself and reevaluating your own choices.

The listener email today is from a young woman who found my book PHD on Audible recently and she’s giving me what the book has meant to her. You might find yourself in her story… and if so, I hope the book could help you as well.

And in response to hearing from many of you these past few weeks about the meaning of Perfectly Hidden Depression for you - and for a little summer kick, here's a giveaway for you!!! Email me at askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com or send me a voicemail.via SpeakPipe … and for the 10th email and the 4th Speakpipe, I’ll send you a free signed copy of my book PHD! So two ways of winning!

Here are the five tips:

Make sure you check your own agenda.
Remain available but know you may have to emotionally detach.
Recognize your loved one may not have the capacity to make the desired change at this time. Maybe they're learning something they need to learn.
Take care of yourself, and by so doing, you're acting as a role model as well.
Keep watch over your own mental and emotional state. Find a trusted friend or therapist to confide in.

So in this episode of SW, also sponsored by AG1, let’s focus on how you can approach or cope with depression and anxiety disorders in someone you love – when they themselves can’t seem to try or don’t agree with you that something is a problem.

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Wonderful Tiny Buddha article on what to do when someone you love won't help themselves.

Excellent article on Boardwalk Recovery: about Al-Anon

YouTube video on recent rise of young female suicides in Japan

Perfectly Hidden Depression Questionnaire

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

290 SelfWork: Relentless Courage: A Conversation with Doc Shauna Springer and Veteran Police Officer Michael Sugrue Jul 01, 2022

Show notes

Trigger Warning: Suicide and Violence

You may not know that suicide kills more first responders each year than die in the line of duty. This is one of many things that need to change.

This book, Relentless Courage, was written with this fact in mind. It's co-authored by Doc Shauna Springer and Michael Sugrue, formerly a member of an elite Air Force squad and a veteran police officer It was only during his police experience and after that Michael was pummeled by the incessant nightmares and flashbacks of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. Relentless Courage tells his story so that other first responders can know they are not alone in their mental and emotional struggle.

Doc Springer and Michael also want you to know that this story and its powerful message has nothing to do with choosing “sides” - or the belief that you either side with the police or with the protestors. That does not need to be. Instead, there can be compassion for all – so that solutions – ideas for positive change – can emerge from compassion for all.. In fact, their efforts are trying to help those of us who aren’t first responders to feel – to recognize – the trauma that those that serve face every day. And to build into the police culture that their personal trauma and injury needs to be recognized – so that there can be support while they’re serving as police.

If you have trauma or violence in your past, please listen with caution. Yet I offer this episode for this patriotic weekend – as we all move forward to understand the pain of all trauma - and strive for compassion and understanding, instead of distrust and disdain. And if you are or know a first responder, this might be the episode they most need to hear.

BetterHelp is the proud sponsor of this episode, and is readily available to help anyone and everyone who needs it.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

289 SelfWork: Your Body Your Mind and Their Amazing Connection Jun 24, 2022

Show notes

I’ve long been fascinated by the connections between our minds and our bodies, so much so that I wrote my dissertation (the original research you must complete before they give you a Ph.D.) on pseudoseizures. What are those? They look like actual seizures - which are bursts of uncontrolled electrical activity between neurons that can cause all kinds of movements and abnormalities in muscle tone, sensations, or states of awareness. But they’re not. Pseudoseizures are seizure-like activity that’s apparently caused by emotional/psychological factors.

So today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders - but what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy.

The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how to leave or get other help. This could be something called “munchausen’s syndrome by proxy” which is a very complicated dynamic – but it might also be that this daughter’s mom has been part of her trauma. I’ll offer suggestions for both..

So in this episode, sponsored by AG1, let’s learn together about just how your body and mind are interconnected – which of course is what AG is all about! Settle in and I’m so glad you’re here.

Scads of Important Links!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A recent Forbes article… discussing how your brain processes physical and social pain.

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part One (SelfWork Podcast)

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part Two (SelfWork)

An article on somatic disorders found on VeryWellMind.

How To Become An Emotional Grownup I don’t have time sadly to discuss all of it – but here’s a

A recent Psychology Today article about different techniques that you can try to "get at" your body's holding on to trauma. And encouraging it to let go.

Article on FDIA. Facticious Disorder impoased on another

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

288 SelfWork: 14 Signs of Envy and The Quest for Celebrity Jun 17, 2022

Show notes

What risks do you run when you follow a quest for popularity or even celebrity? Envy is right at the top of the list, and today I'll offer 8 different signs that your need for external validation is running too high, and 6 more that reflect that envy has taken hold of your mind and heart. Envy is defined as believing yourself to be worthy of what you perceive others getting and your behavior then can become governed by that poisonous belief. We'll talk about the need for all of us to have a balance between what validation we receive externally with what we're able to give ourselves internally - and when those are out of balance, what you can do about it!

Then the third thing we’ll focus on is celebrity. Does being well known have a downside? Here’s what Tim Ferriss, whose podcast has been downloaded 700 M times, has to say about the fame he’s achieved, like it or not. "If you suddenly had 100,000 or 1,000,000 or 10,000,000 more followers, what might happen? I thought I knew, and I was naive".

The listener voicemail this week is from a man whose brother is depressed but will do nothing about it. You can hear his concern and sense of helplessness in his voicemail – and I’ll do my best to try to offer some ideas.

So today in this episode sponsored by the #1 online therapy provider, BetterHelp, , we’re talking about the quest to be known – to be recognized by many – how you can know that you’ve become envious - the difference between internal and external validation (and how a balance of both is really great) – all of that! And what megapodcaster Tim Ferris might say… welcome to the 288^th episode of SW!

Here are the signs of being too needy or dependent on external validation:

You scroll through others FB/tiktok/Instagram and compare their feedback to yours.
You are almost constantly checking your own numbers or ‘likes’
You bring up your own work with others without being asked.
You begin to alter your life so that it ‘looks’ better on social media – or if social media isn’t involved, you spend time worrying that your life doesn’t seem “special” enough.
The bulk of your time is spent trying to meet or exceed the expectations of others (this is very true in what’s called socially-prescribed perfectionism and is highly destructive.”
You discount or deny your fear of disappointing others. Or being seen as having made a mistake.
You begin to hide your insecurity by drinking more or using drugs.
You’ve had tough – very tough – childhood experiences or traumas that you don’t disclose or you’ve never worked through.

And here's now it can move into very ugly envy.

You aren’t happy for others when they achieve success.
Another person’s success makes you feel unhappy. I’ll take this even farther.
You feel the need to diminish someone else’s success. You’ll say something about them that’s harsh or belittling.
You judge others negatively.
You’re happy when others face setbacks.
You surround yourself with other envious people so you get validation.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Interesting interview with the actress who plays Lady Whistledown/Penelope in Bridgerton.

A blogpost by Tim Ferriss about what you may really get from fame

SelfWork Episode 010 on loving someone with depression

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

SelfWork YGTG: This Short Poem Describes Incredible Change and How To Make It Jun 14, 2022

Show notes

I use all kinds of stories and metaphors in therapy to help people actually remember a point. I’m not sure when I started doing it, but there’s something about a story or a picture that cements or anchors an idea in your mind. Just think about in Forrest Gump, the famous “Life is like a box of chocolates” and you’ll understand.

So today, I want to read you a poem that I use all the time in therapy. The author, Portia Nelson was an American popular singer, songwriter, actress, and author. In 1965, she portrayed the cantankerous Sister Berthe in the film version of The Sound of Music,and on TV's All My Children Nelson played the long-running role of nanny Mrs. Gurney. Her book of poetic musings, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery, became a mainstay of twelve-step programs.

Here's Portia's poem that can act as an anchor for you!

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

287 SelfWork: Changing Your Chatter: A Conversation with Researcher and Author Ethan Kross Jun 10, 2022

Show notes

If you like SelfWork because we talk about "what you can do about it," this interview will be incredibly helpful to you! As a therapist who focuses a lot on how to move from negative, destructive thinking to much more positive, motivating self-talk - I've learned that HOW you talk to yourself highly influences what you actually do. I've asked people who are fighting viciously with one another to imagine what they want their relationship to look like in five years - and all of a sudden, their communication improves or is less vitriolic. In order to distance from pain, someone will move from saying "I feel..," into referring to themselves in second tense. "When something like this happens, you feel...". It's good emotional management.

It turns out these "techniques" have names or labels! Ethan Kross is a highly respected researcher from the University of Michigan - and his new book Chatter; The Voice In Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It identifies, verifies, and organizes these techniques for you! He's one of the world’s leading experts on controlling the conscious mind and as an award-winning professor in the University of Michigan’s top ranked Psychology Department and its Ross School of Business, he's the director of the Emotion & Self Control Laboratory. His research and teachings can show you how you can very purposefully change the way you talk to yourself so that you find more calm, resolution, creativity, and empowerment. And he tells animated stories of how that chatter can lead to struggle, giving Simone Biles as a recent example. She opted out of the last Olympics due to her awareness that her own thinking was negatively influencing her performance and in so doing, honored the idea that your mental well-being and inner life has to be considered when making decisions.

So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, I know you'll be fascinated by his inspiring and useful ways of changing your inner conversation!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!