The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

379 SelfWork: What's the Better Way of Saying "My Feelings Are Hurt"? Feb 02, 2024

Show notes

“My feelings were hurt” is a phrase very commonly used. We even use it when we talk to our children. “Did someone hurt your feelings?” It’s kind of interesting when you think about it. Instead of asking, “What happened and how are you feeling about it?” and helping your child sort out their exact feelings, we lump them all together.

Many of us carry that lumpy mess of “hurt feelings” into our adulthood. Instead of saying, for example, “I want you to ask me what I think, or what I’d like, instead of assuming you know," you might say, “You hurt my feelings all the time and you don’t even realize it.”

So today we'll focus on how to clean up those " hurt feelings" and express them in much clearer, healthier ways - that hopefully can lead to much better results.

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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378 SelfWork: Tina Turner Takes A Seat: How to Accept Change In Your Family Jan 26, 2024

Show notes

I’ve pulled what is the most downloaded episode of SelfWork’s history today because I've had to step off the stage again in my work to allow my body and mind to heal. Two weeks ago, I was in a huge hurry, bounding down my staircase, talking to my husband over my shoulder, in my clumsy Uggs boots – and I managed to pull off a head over heels tumble down the steps, eight or nine of them – and landed on a slate floor. Broken collarbone, mild concussion, and so many bumps and bruises... we won’t even go there.

I’m doing okay. Having some nightmares – which I suspected I would. My body is healing. My husband has been incredible. But I obviously got way behind – and so today I turn to Tina Turner who died this past year for a little inspiration for all of you.

This episode is about a night in my own life, when I realized that I needed to take a different role in my family. It’s what happens in healthy families. The change felt odd. But I realize now that it was the beginning of what should have been and needed to be. I think I love this concept so much because it uses a stage analogy. Roles change in families. And accepting those changes is part of being healthy in your own role, both on your own stage and the stage of your family.

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377 SelfWork: Recognizing When Worry and "What If" Questions Paralyze You Jan 19, 2024

Show notes

So many of us are living "what if" lives, meaning that we're not looking at the present and for opportunities that might be right in front of us. Instead we're worrying about the "what ifs" or "what if nots" of the world. And that can keep you in a constant state a perpetual indecisiveness. Of course, foggy thinking is a part of depression and worry is typically a huge part of anxiety. So we'll weave all that together on this episode of SelfWork.

Our SpeakPipe voicemail for today is also about anxiety; she's talking about anticipatory anxiety as she stutters and experiences fear of ridicule because of that. Understandably. So, I'm going to include her excellent question in our discussion of anxiety.

Vital Links:

Excuse Me As I Kiss The Sky - a book of poetry by Rudy Francisco

Link to A Guest House by the poet Rumi

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

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376 SelfWork: Three Unexpected Facets of Grief Jan 12, 2024

Show notes

Norman Lear is someone whose work, talent, and creativity I’ve admired for a long time. I've used an interview that he gave before he died as my inspiration for this episode, when he said about his own mortality, "It's not the going... it's the leaving that's hard."

So today on SW, we’re going to focus on endings and grieving and three facets of grief that may be surprising:

When grief is harder the second year and facing the future is hard
When your grief means that you fear risking loving again
When grief is characterized by "counterfactuals" - "what if's" for example - that keep you paralyzed and living the same life you did when the deceased was alive

Our Speakpipe voicemail today is from a daughter who’s looking for answers for her mom – after her mother has moved in with her own mother (the listener’s grandmother). “She feels a heavy energy…”. And asks how I can help…

Vital Links:

What are counterfactuals and how do they keep you stuck in grief?

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

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375 SelfWork: Knowing You're 'Mom Enough": A Conversation with Author Rachel Marie Martin Jan 05, 2024

Show notes

When I heard the name of the book my SelfWork guest - Rachel Marie Martin - has written, I knew I wanted her on the show. What's the title? Mom Enough: Inspiring Letters for theWonderfully Exhausting but Totally Normal Days of Motherhood (Dexterity, September 26, 2023). In it you'll find greatly affirming letters written for moms at various stages of motherhood, from the melancholic to the "tear your hair out" to the poignant.

Mom enough. It reminded me of an early psychological researcher, Winnicott, who was the first guy to stop blaming moms for all their children's psychological problems. He called it, "the good enough mother." And I know that's what I tried to be. Good enough. A

Rachel is also the founder of the popular social media community FindingJoy.net, as well as an author and host of the very popular FB page also called Finding Joy where millions of readers learn from her. I loved having her on SelfWork - and I know you'll enjoy her thoughts about everything about motherhood. And realizing just how hard it is.

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Vital Links:

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374 SelfWork: How to Stop Chasing The Next Best Thing: Moving from FOMO to JOMO Dec 29, 2023

Show notes

You’re getting back (or will be soon) to the office or to work or school.. and you start hearing about what everyone else did over the holidays. Maybe you’ve already seen stuff on social media that seems to tell their story. Maybe you’ve scrolled Instagram reels or watched hilarious TikToks. Your own life may shrink in comparison - especially if you're living in fear.

That's the topic for today. How to confront your fear of missing out (FOMO) or how to stop chasing the "next best thing" and instead, to live in joy (JOMO) or at least contentment. Here's Lauren Cook's and Dr. Cathy Sullivan Windt's definition of JOMO: "JOMO is the satisfaction one feels in the current moment, with accompanying acceptance of what one doesn’t have in that moment.” (their article is linked below...).

Vital Links:

Lauren Cook and Dr. Cathy Sullivan-Windt's wonderful article on JOMO:

An earlier SelfWork episode on FOMO

Advertiser’s Links:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

373 SelfWork: What's Inner Child Work? And Why Do It? Dec 22, 2023

Show notes

Today we’re going to focus on how the inner child model of therapy has been used and what exactly does it mean. Simply put (which to me is always the best way), how much does a client realize and connect with the idea that their past is influencing their present. I’ll offer a story about how that connection is made in therapy if it has not been so far. It’s definitely something that many struggle with – as they battle the belief that what happened years ago might be impacting who they think of themselves now.

The listener voicemail for today is one I somehow missed last year – and I apologize for that! Because it’s an excellent comment: How do therapists experience their own struggles with what the listener called “moral injury,” compassion fatigue and burnout? I’ll look forward to talking about my own struggles and way of trying to achieve, or I should say maintain, my own stability as a therapist.

Advertisers' Links:

We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

VeryWell Mind article on inner child work

Forbes article on Internal Family Systems therapy

SelfWork Episode on Dissociative Identity Disorder with Lynn Barrett

Differences in moral injury and burnout

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372 SelfWork: Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone: A Conversation with the "Failfluencer" Erin Diehl Dec 15, 2023

Show notes

I've never laughed harder than in this interview with the self-proclaimed "failfluencer" Erin Diehl!

Erin is a Top 1% podcast host, Founder & CEO of improve it!, and one of the most electric keynote speakers in the world, using her work as an improvisational actor to teach you and me how our bodies are trying to give us messages about the healing that needs to happen. She's been on global stages with companies like Amazon, LinkedIn, and The Obama Foundation.

As a graduate from Clemson University, a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional, and a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago--including The Second City, Erin can speak to anything from how every day of your life is an "improv scene" to the moment she discovered her chronic back pain was a result of unresolved emotional trauma.

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Vital Links:

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371 SelfWork: Hopelessness and Helplessness: When Depression Seems Impossible to Heal Dec 08, 2023

Show notes

I received an email from one of you that saddened me. It opened with, “Listening to today’s podcast has left me feeling more hopeless than ever.”

Hopelessness. Feeling despair. And its counterpart – helplessness, which is believing that nothing can be done to prevent what’s happening - are two of the worst feelings of depression, and two of the ones non-depressed people often can’t seem to understand. Maybe even my own mantra that I repeat in almost every episode, “Look for what you can do about," for those who are fighting these two demons – sounds like I’m skimming the surface of deeper depressions and not talking about the heavy burden and darkness that you might feel.

Since I’ll be using much of this one listener’s email, we won’t feature another for today. I promise you this listener’s life holds much to be understood, and to have compassion for.

She did say toward the end, “I felt the need to write this. Much of it has never seen the light of day. Perhaps that alone might help?

I can only hope that featuring her email might help as well.

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Vital Links:

Dr. Margaret's podcast episode on "stinkin' thinkin'

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370 SelfWork: Finding Resilience: Can You Learn to Enjoy Life After Tremendous Loss? Dec 01, 2023

Show notes

One of the reasons why many people suffer during the so-called “holiday” season is because it’s the first - or one more of many holidays - that they’re actively grieving a loved one’s death within the last year or even farther away – and they cannot seem to work through their grief enough to want to step back into life. Into living this moment that’s right before them.

I tuned into a Hidden Brain episode this week that discussed a recently researched concept of grief in a very personal way, as resilience researcher Lucy Hone told the story of her own nightmare - the death of one of her children. So, I wanted to pass her ideas on to you – as you might be one of those people who are struggling with grief – and not knowing how to get out from under its shadow.

Our listener email is a from a listener who says he’s been diagnosed with what’s called “schizoaffective disorder” – and wonders if I know much about – or can help him with – intrusive thoughts that he can’t seem to rid himself of.