The HappiNest Podcast

Latest Episodes:

22: What Happens When a Friendship Turns Toxic Feb 25, 2020

Show notes

Suzanne Degges-White is professor of counseling, adult and higher Education at Northern Illinois University. Her research interests include intimate relationships, friendship and motherhood. Suzanne is also a blogger for Psychology Today. She is author of Toxic Relationships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends who Break Them.

In her book Toxic Relationships, Suzanne shows how broken friendships can be mended and bad friendships ended. What does it take to be a good friend? How can you identify bad friends? How do you move forward when a friendship turns sour? How do you decide when it's time to let go of a relationship that is bringing you down instead of keeping you afloat? Stay tuned as we discuss these critical issues with Suzanne.

21: How to Find Focus, Calm and Joy from Morning to Evening Feb 18, 2020

Show notes

Laurie J. Cameron is the author of The Mindful Day: How to Find Focus, Calm and Joy from Morning to Evening. In her book, Laurie offers practical, step-by-step methods for being mindful–from the morning commute to the dinner table. Laurie is also a leadership coach, teacher and fellow at the Center for the Advancement of Well-Being at George Mason. She is founder of Purpose Blue, a consultancy based on mindfulness.

I've seen many people roll their eyes and shake their heads when they hear the word "mindfulness." They think mindfulness might cause them to lose their edge. They say they don't have time to focus on mindfulness. But scientific research shows mindfulness improves focus, boosts productivity, lifts moods, and helps people develop greater resilience.

I learned this first-hand after my book, HappiNest: Finding Fulfillment When Your Kids Leave Home, received great ratings‚ much to my surprise—catapulting me into a new sphere with a nonstop to-do list. I went to Laurie's home exhausted, bewildered and frazzled and found an unshakable center of calm. I didn't even realize how wound up I was until I listened to the interview a week later. Yikes!

Laurie does not come with incense, candles and a harp. Rather, she boils down ancient teachings and weaves them into practical, step-by-step methods.

What you'll learn about in this episode:

The capacity to cultivate calm in the chaos of our everyday lives, is trainable.
We can train out attitude and mindset.
We can train self-awareness and acceptance.
Why aren't we compassionate toward ourselves? We are designed not to be blissful. We are designed for survival. We've got an inner voice that is hyper vigilant.
We tell ourselves narratives. With mindfulness training, we can separate ourselves from negative narratives. It's just like going to the gym.
Our inner voice is not really us. Rather, it is more like a set of inner tapes that came from our childhood. Those stories can cause us to move through time in a harried, frenetic way.
We can befriend our inner critic and push it out of the front seat and cultivate an attitude of kindness toward ourselves.
Cultivating self-compassion is taking a U-Turn and directing compassion to ourselves.
There are many myths regarding mindfulness. People think it will slow them down and they won't get things done, that they won't be competitive. In reality, mindfulness gives us a competitive edge.
Meditation is simply a set of exercises or practices that train the mind. A goalie might train his mind to win an award by watching a water drop fall. Meditation is about breathing.
Laurie works with CEOs in the United States and Europe to help them return to a calm presence.
She models sitting like a "majestic mountain," and bringing attention to your body breathing. Notice your body breathing. Bring your attention of the popcorn machine of thoughts, the monkey mind and feel air coming into your nose and mouth. You might put a hand on your abdomen. You have begun training yourself to be at ease, to be calm. When your mind wanders during the inhale and exhale, label what the mind is doing, and bring your attention back to breathing. Do this at least five minutes a day.
Mindfulness meditation is highly correlated with well-being.
We are trained in a culture of fear. We are addicted to social media, as we get a dopamine high when we see "likes" on our Facebook or Instagram.
Laurie suggests pausing before we eat to express gratitude. She also recommends setting up a meditation room with symbols or photographs that bring you joy and peace.
Frenetic energy is contagious and affects everyone else in the room. Complaining about others or gossiping is also "like an influenza" and brings everyone down.
Laurie says there is no such thing as healthy venting.
Purpose and meaning are critically important to well-being.

20. Elizabeth Lombardo: Purging Perfectionism Feb 11, 2020

Show notes

Elizabeth Lombardo is a psychologist who is on a mission to free people from their inner critic. She is also Shaquille O'Neal's "Head Coach for Happiness!" And she authored the book Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love in which she writes ramping up self-confidence and gaining skills you need to flourish. Elizabeth says perfectionists are everywhere. And they are often unhappy and unfulfilled. They thrive toward unattainable goals and that hurts their physical and psychological well-being. Elizabeth guides lots of high performing people to excel and find meaning along the way.

If you like what you hear, I'd really appreciate it if you would subscribe, rate and review the show. It's easy to do on Apple Podcasts, or can go directly to the podcast section of my website at judyhollandauthor.com.

What You'll Learn In This Episode:

When you're a perfectionist, you stack every paper clip perfectly.
An all or nothing mentality leads us to believe that anything which is imperfect is a failure.
Elizabeth wrote her book, Better Than Perfect, to rid herself of the perfectionism plaguing her life: "My name is Elizabeth, and I'm a recovering perfectionist."
Perfectionism interferes with our emotional well-being and physical health.
Elizabeth Lombardo tell us this episode of HappiNest Podcast how to get out of our own way if you have the perfectionist proclivity.

19: Adding Spark and Joy to Marriage after your Kids Go Feb 04, 2020

Show notes

Elizabeth Rubin is a psychotherapist who helps couples keep love and passion in marriage. She's also on the clinical faculty at the Yale school of Medicine and advises students at Timothy Dwight Residential college. Elizabeth practices what she preaches: She's been happily married to Dr. Richard Rubin, a psychiatrist, for close to 50 years. That's a lot of know-how about romance in one household!

If you like what you hear, I'd really appreciate it if you would subscribe, rate and review the show. It's easy to do on Apple Podcasts, or you can go directly to the podcast section of my website at judyhollandauthor.com.

What's the Rubins' secret for keeping good energy and passion in their marriage? The Argentine Tango! Tune in to hear all about it!

Elizabeth has great tips to help your marriage thrive. And she's big on the F-Word—How to keep F-U-N in your marriage! In our busy lives, we forget to take time out for fun, a key ingredient in love and life.

18: Finding Power Through Pages: Badass Women's Book Club Jan 28, 2020

Show notes

Gina Warner is founder of the Badass Women's Book Club, which has more than 14,000 followers. Her goal is to prompt women to lead intentionally empowered lives by speaking up and going forward with strength and confidence.

Here's why she launched it: Gina was on her way home from a leadership conference, where she hadn't spoken up for three days, which made her feel terrible and disappointed. She chalked up her silence to suffering from the Imposter Syndrome.

But then, she walked past a book store and a yellow book cover grabbed her attention.

It said: "You are a Badass!" Well, she certainly didn't feel like one.

But that book was a light bulb. The pages empowered her, and they gave her a way to empower others as well. When we set out to serve others, we can end up reinventing ourselves in magical ways! Gina wasn't fearless in launching this project, she plowed past her fear!

Gina launched her book club at Bards Alley in Vienna. Now it has more than 100 bad ass women hosts across the country. She also does online coaching and in-person workshops to empower women. Her message resonates with me, as my motto is "Make it Happen!"

Mom's Empty Nest Gap Year, with Michelle Fiordaliso Jan 21, 2020

Show notes

After raising her son Joe as a single mother then taking him to college to pursue an acting career, writer Michelle Fiordaliso is taking a "Mom's Gap Year." She says she's "utterly thrilled to be alive and for the gift of who mothering made me." And she is taking a sabbatical of sorts. She embarked on a solo eighteen-day pilgrimage along the Camino de Santiago in Spain, hiking 15 to 17 miles a day in the mountains, staying in hostels, and carrying her possessions in a 12-pound bag.

Along the Camino, a spiritual path or retreat for spiritual growth, Michelle was "moved a million times a day by beauty, nature and human kindness." As she walked for miles, Michelle pondered the gifts she has gained from parenthood. She is now able to focus on what she has, rather than what she is missing. While fear still can creep up on her, Michelle no longer lets it consume and control her. She has learned to "relinquish control, let go, trust, appreciate little things, and find what brings joy."

Michelle says she watches fellow parents fret constantly about their young adult fledglings. But through her journey, Michelle has realized that kids are going to struggle and that they must grapple with difficulties in life to fully develop. It's a natural impulse as a parent to want to shield them, Michelle says, but it's also those irritations, the sand in the oyster shell, that helps create the pearl. On her trek through the Camino, Michelle learned that spirituality is about "that which connects all people."

Don't Blame Young Adults for Boomeranging Back Home Jan 14, 2020

Show notes

Parents should stop fretting and moralizing over young adults "lingering" in their parents' home. Today's young adults are not slackers. The main culprit for the boomerang phenomenon has been low wages, which make it tough for young adults to earn the income they need to live independently. In addition, the skyrocketing cost of education and need for a bachelor's degree and even a graduate degree to gain a firm foothold in our knowledge-based economy can be so expensive that young people can't afford to live independently, according to sociology professor Katherine Newman.

Katherine says if young adults are engaging in behavior that will help them in the long run, such as studying, working and saving money, doing internships or a low-paid work experience that is a bridge to a career, then parents who support them "are making a rational, reasonable and honorable investment in the next generation." Don't hold your breath: The Boomerang phenomenon is a trend that appears here to stay.

Face Fear, Take Risks, Find Fun and Get into Gear! Jan 04, 2020

Show notes

Marjorie Schulte is a Scottsdale, Arizona psychotherapist who has counseled hundreds of couples. When I first interviewed her as I was researching my HappiNest book, she stressed the importance of both partners in a marriage pursuing separate interests. When we fully develop ourselves, and partner with someone who similarly complete, it is a far better union.

If you are discovering new things on your own and feeling "nourished, happy and fulfilled, it presents your partner with a happier, more interesting and more involved spouse." Marjorie tells me that many modern-day marriages have been "kid-centric," with couples leading their lives "wedded not to each other, but to the children."

Marriages that revolve around the kids and leave little time for a spouse take a toll on marital bliss. Parents often lose themselves if they become overly involved in "over-nurturing" their kids. "You then become second," she says. "And never in life should you be second."

The Art of Letting Go: Creating Resilience and Self-Reliance in Young Adults, with Michael Kaplan Dec 31, 2019

Show notes

Dr. Michael D. Kaplan is an assistant clinical professor of child psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine. He sees children, young adults and parents at his practice in New Haven. He also is an advisor to professionals and parent groups about issues affecting children and families and a consultant to public and private schools in Connecticut.

He is a fountain of wisdom about relationships with young adults: For example, did you know that adolescents and young adults feel social rejection like it's a death? If they get rejected by a friend, a romantic partner, a fraternity, it registers really high on the Richter scale. For them, "the world feels like it's over."

As seasoned adults, we take social rejection more lightly. We have had relationships throughout the course of our lives and are far less affected by social rejection. When we understand these types of differences, it can bring far greater understanding to our relationships with young adults. Today's HappiNest episode is about letting go.

What you'll learn about in this episode:

Our primary goal as parents is to launch our kids into independent lives so they are resilient and self-reliant. Parents play a major role in the separation and launching of a young adult.
Parents have become far more invested in the lives of their children over the last 20 to 25 years. While kids benefit from these pro-active relationships, the process of separation has become more complicated.
The key is to be "involved" with your kids, but not "enmeshed." If the boundary between you and your child is clearly drawn, separation is easier on the parent and the child. A healthy separation "does not mean you abandon them or leave them permanently." It's a positive result when young adults are still asking for help, sharing joy and asking for advice. Those are "signs of a healthy empty nest."
The goal is to teach your fledglings skills rather than do it for them: For example, you might go with them to a bank to set up an account. Watch them as they are doing the task. If they need to register a car, you might go to the DMV with them the first time. Then make a list and stand back. "Become less of the quarterback and more of the coach on the side."
If your young adult is having trouble in college, you must allow them to advocate for themselves. Help them anticipate questions a dean or professor might have.
When there is a crisis, do three things: "Listen, listen, listen." It is likely your young adult can manage through it. Usually they call when there is a "raging fever." When we have "an emotion mind," we can't think. What you want to do is "bring the temperature down by listening."
Use your "gut" instinct when it comes to your young adult's well-being. Do you sense something is really awry? Are they sleeping and eating well? Are they engaged in normal activities? "If any of those things are going off the rails," it's time to intervene.
Adolescents and young adults feel social rejection like it's a death. If they get rejected by a friend, romantic partner or fraternity it registers high on the Richter scale. For them, "the world feels like it's over." As seasoned adults, we handle social rejection far better. We have the benefit of having navigated a lifetime of relationships.
If your young adult is very upset, "don't meet their level of agitation." When young adults get upset over something, their blood pressure is "boiling." "One way to lower that person's temperature is to speak with a calm, steady voice, looking them in the eye." Actively listen and emphasize. You might say, "that's horrible," or "that's really bad," to break the ice and help decrease the temperature. Don't say "other people have it worse." That's throwing gasoline on the fire.
Once you become an empty nester, remember that you are far from alone. Don't feel guilty if you are secretly happy. "The unburdening of letting your child go is a wonderful feeling…You will feel happy and sad at times…Over time, the separation will begin to feel better and better."
Good news: Young adults become more interesting over time. You get to be an observer in their brain developing. They'll come home and tell you things you haven't learned.

Building Intergenerational "Generation-Gap" Friendships Dec 24, 2019

Show notes

Now that people are living well into their 70s, 80s and 90s, intergenerational friendships are becoming more common. Research into friendships is also relatively new, with studies springing up in the past few decades.
Friendships are unbelievably valuable for human beings as they deal with life's tragedies and crises. If you maintain them, you are far better able to survive and live your best life.
Intergenerational friendships keep us informed: Older adults have much wisdom and experience, while younger ones tend to be more tuned into trends and happenings about town.
Finding common ground, such as through sports, hobbies or arts is the best way to connect with a friend from another generation and stave off the human tendency to stereotype. Steer away from things you disagree on. Listen to what others are engaged in and engage. Seek the opinions of others.
Intergenerational friendships are great for busting loneliness, which has reached epidemic proportions and can lead to depression, drug use, and suicide.
Reach out for relationships beyond your relatives. Focusing too much on achievement or family relationships at the expense of maintaining close friendships is a "losing strategy," Nussbaum says. Smile. Get out there among your neighbors. Look for common ground and engage!

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