The Family Lab: Experiments in Parenting and Home Management

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How She Teaches Kids to Clean Jul 01, 2019

Show notes

Teaching children to clean is a daunting task, whether we have one child or 13. In this episode we talk about how to teach kids to clean, with an emphasis on what jobs different moms expect their children to do, how they train their children to do these jobs, and what systems they use, including Emily's system. Links mentioned in this episode Why My Kids Don't Have Chores Why I Don't Make My Kids Do Chores Books: The Parenting Breakthrough, by Merrilee Boyack Blog Posts: Power of Families: Two Tips for a Clean and Happy Home Mentoring Our Own: The Remedy to Chore Wars Podcasts: Edit Your Life Podcast, episode 149: How to Teach Kids Life Skills Moms Who Know Podcast, December 17, 2017: Donna Goff: Family Work NPR, Weekend Edition: How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores (Without Resenting It) Family Looking Up, Episode 41: How To Raise Kids to Be Independent Adults, with Merrilee Boyack Other Links: Song For a Fifth Child 100 Life Skills You Can Teach Your Kids in Five Minutes or Less Full text: At the moment, Emily Widdison is a mother to 13 children. This number fluctuates, because she is a foster mom, but nine of those 13 are permanently hers. Mothering this many little people has a whole host of logistical challenges, not the least of which is keeping the house clean. And yet she does—for the most part. Or more accurately, they all do. She started her current chore system about six years ago, when she went from four children to eight, all nine years old and under, including a brand-new baby. One morning after the kids left the house for school, the kitchen was just trashed, and she realized she couldn't do this herself. So later that day, she sat her kids down and said, "I need help. It can't be just one little job or just your room." And the kids stepped up." Today's episode is "How She Teaches Kids to Clean," a daunting task whether we have one child at home or 13. Once I started researching, I realized what a monumental topic this is, so I'm actually splitting it up into three episodes: this one, about teaching kids to clean, another about how to teach kids to be tidy, and a third entitled "How She Motivates Kids to Work." In this first episode we'll talk about how to teach kids to clean, with an emphasis on what jobs different moms expect their children to do, how they train their children to do these jobs, and what systems they use, including Emily's system. As always, I love a good controversy, and there's plenty here. I have run across several articles written by mothers who don't believe in giving their kids chores—even one that said that making children clean is tantamount to child abuse. I'll link to a few of those articles in the show notes, if you're interested, but for now I'll just give a brief rundown of their arguments: Let kids be kids. They have the rest of their lives to work. Mundane household tasks are much easier to learn when kids are older. They'll figure it out. Kids should still have to pick up after themselves, clean up toys, and bring their plates over, just not do extra things like washing dishes, doing laundry, and scrubbing toilets. Many of these moms in the no-chores camps were raised with no chores themselves, and they not only turned out alright but they run a household capably now. If this is your philosophy, I still love you, but it doesn't make for a very useful podcast episode, because the only tip for that strategy is: Don't make your kids clean. So the rest of this episode will be based on the assumption that kids shouldbe doing work around the house. Strategy First let's talk about strategy. If you're new here, I always start each topic by talking about strategy and objectives. What are you trying to accomplish here? When it comes to teaching kids to clean, some obvious objectives are to: Train kids to take care of themselves and a home Teach kids the satisfaction of hard work. Combat entitlement. Lighten your workload. Have a clean house. Clean the house efficiently. The problem is, some of these objectives are diametrically opposed. At least at first, putting kids in charge of household chores does not lighten your workload, and does not result in a very clean house. It's a lot more work to teach a kid how to sweep the floor, for example, than to sweep it yourself. Even once the kid has the skills, it often takes you much less time to do it yourself than to actually get them to do it. And it takes kids a long time for a child's cleaning skills in any given area to match your standards. So, when you're defining your personal strategy for teaching kids to clean, be very honest about how you prioritize these objectives, or any others. You also have to decide where you draw your cleanliness line. If you have pretty high standards for how clean you want your house to be, you might be more careful about what type of jobs you assign to kids. If you're okay with a fair amount of chaos, you might want to delegate more to the kids. For example, I grew up in a house with a fairly relaxed standard of cleanliness. This was intentional on my mother's part. Framed on our wall was an excerpt from Ruth Hulbert Hamilton's poem, "Song for a Fifth Child": "Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep." I'll link to the full text of the poem, in my notes. http://aboverubies.org/index.php/ar-blogs/womens-daily-encouragement-blog/entry/song-for-a-fifth-child As a result of this philosophy, our house was clean but cluttered. My mom taught us how to scrub our bathrooms, clean the kitchen, do our laundry, etc., but we all tolerated quite a bit of daily clutter. A common phrase my mom would sing out when someone came to the door was, "Come in if you can get in!" On the other hand, my friend Lisa's house is generally clutter-free and gleaming. I thought that to achieve that kind of clean, a mom would have to be yelling at her kids all the time, but Lisa's motto is "Calm and Kind," and she actually follows that motto. But that doesn't mean she doesn't have to work really hard to achieve this kind of lofty objective. Especially when her kids were younger, her high standards required a lot of hands-on training. This work is worth it to Lisa, because when the house gets messy, she gets anxious and unsettled. It's a great idea to be realistic and figure out where you fit in along this continuum. What kind of clean are you hoping to achieve? Division of Labor Part of figuring out your cleaning strategy is figuring out how you want to divide the labor. What tasks are you going to leave to the parents and what will the kids be in charge of? One way to divvy up chores is to write up a list of all the chores that need to be done on a daily and weekly basis to keep the house running smoothly, and then have the kids help figure out who should do what. I have done this a few times, and it's a great way for them to see visually how much work it requires to run a house—and how much of it I usually do by myself. With a bit of creativity, you can think of chores that allow even the youngest members of your household to help. Young children are great at sorting clean silverware or dirty laundry. Sarah Fedotov created a great daily chore for her 6-year-old. His job is to collect any shoes he can find and line them up neatly in the closet. Be careful about your expectations here, though. Before kids, Lisa had big plans for how she was going to start teaching her kids to clean as early as possible. This led to some very unnecessary power struggles with her three-year-old. She says, "Eventually, I learned to have pretty low expectations for cleaning skills for kids younger than eight. Their efforts are about the process rather than the product. Until age eight, my strategy for teaching my them to clean is to encourage them and make cleaning fun, with low expectations for the actual quality of the work. The goal is to let them practice working and get in the habit of helping." Another way to decide what your kids could or should be in charge of is to see what other kids are doing at their age. You don't have to start from scratch here, and it's often better if you don't, because often other people will think of jobs that hadn't occurred to you. I have found many lists of age-appropriate chores online, and over the years I've cobbled together my own list based those lists. My favorite list is the one Marilee Boyack, author of "The Parenting Breakthrough" created for her kids. She calls it The Plan, and in addition to cleaning jobs, it includes life skills such as making and keeping your own appointments and opening a bank account. It starts at age three with things like, "dress self," "use toilet independently," and "pick up toys," continues through each age with things like learning to load and empty a dishwasher at age six, and mopping floors and baking cookies at age nine. By the time they're teenagers, they should be able to do adult things like manage their money, maintain a car, and do minor household repairs. She used this list as a checkpoint with her kids, checking in often to make sure she taught the age-appropriate chores by the time her children reached the next year. Another great list of chores and other life skills for chores is from Asha Dornfest and Christine Koh, hosts of the Edit Your Life Podcast. I'll link to their list of 100 Life Skills You Can Teach Your Kids in Five Minutes or Lessand to their podcast episode about teaching kids life skills. Donna Goff's answer to the question of what kids should be in charge of is "everything"—eventually. For about 20 years, she used a traditional chore system, in which her seven children rotated through individual chores, complete with various iterations of charts and wheels. She realized that this system of individual chores was isolating her kids and isolating the jobs themselves, so the kids could clean a toilet, but they didn't understand how to clean a bathroom from start to finish. So she called her kids into the living room for a family meeting and ripped up the family chore chart. She told them they had a new system now, which she calls "Family Work." She started this new plan of "Family Work" by going through and refining her household systems. Then she taught her children how to run each of those systems, according to their age and maturity level. Her young children became her shadows, making the daily household rounds with her, helping in whatever ways they could. For example, if she was doing laundry, she'd have a little one come along and help with the sorting, folding, and putting away. Eventually, this became more of an apprenticeship, with the child doing most of the work, under her guidance. Eventually, the children rotated through each of the systems, taking complete ownership of one system at a time, from deep cleaning to meal planning and prep. Then, when they left home, they had all the skills they needed to run an entire household. You can hear Donna talk about her Family Work system on the Moms Who Know Podcast. You'll have to go back a ways to the episode that aired on Dec. 27, 2017: Donna Goff: Family Work. Donna also runs her own website, mentoringourown.com. Training For most families, teaching kids to clean works like an old-fashioned apprenticeship. We can't expect kids to jump right in and know how to sweep or start the washing machine. It usually starts with the child observing, then helping, then eventually taking over, like Donna Goff's system. This training can begin earlier than we think, if we're willing to follow the example of indigenous Mexican and Guatemalan families. My brother sent me an amazing article from NPRabout researchers who studied a fascinating phenomenon. Children in these cultures not only did the chores their parents asked them to do, but they also were also self-motivated to see what needed to be done and do it without being asked. Every parent's dream! What was their secret? "Embrace the power of toddlers." Often parents tend to shoo two-year-olds away so they can get work done. But toddlers are really eager to help. In the Mexican and Guatemalan cultures from this study, parents encouraged their toddlers to help and work alongside them. We could learn a lot from this, and start harnessing the power and enthusiasm of our two-year-olds. Of course it will be messy and take more time. But it's an investment, and the payoff in relationship building, confidence, and gradual skill building is big. The whole article is just fantastic. I'll include a link in my show notes. My favorite system for training kids to work is from Merrilee Boyack again. We already talked about her list. She uses this list as a guideline for her training program. First, she makes sure the kids know what skills they're going to be learning. They become kind of a right of passage. Then she chooses who will train that child in each skill. She does a lot of the training herself, but she also likes to enlist other people to help train, like grandparents, teachers, church leaders, neighbors, or older siblings. For example, a neighbor taught one of her sons to change a bike tire. Of course she was careful not to have the trainers be people she knew and trusted and her kids were not alone with these other adults. She then makes notecards with detailed instructions on them so the kids can practice after they've been trained. She sometimes supervises those practice sessions. Saren Loosli, who runs the website poweroffamilies.comand has five children, trained her children to do specific chores, then actually certified them with a test and a bona fide certificate to prove their competence. Once they were certified, THEY became trainers for their younger siblings. Mary Price utilizes her older children as well. They're in charge of making the list of Saturday chores and assigning them out so they take ownership. Then they choose a younger buddy to work with so the younger siblings can learn how to work. They love working with the big kids. In the summer, Lisa likes to assign a "special helper" each week from among her four daughters. The daughter of the week helps her deep clean the kitchen, do the laundry, grocery shop, and plan and prepare the meals. It has worked really well because it's easy for Lisa to remember who to call on for help, they enjoy spending time together that week, and the girls enjoy the extra attention. It's also a great way to fill in the gaps if there are any skills her daughters haven't yet mastered. To check the quality of their kids' work, Nanieve French and her friend used to dress up as cleaning fairies, complete with white gloves, and swap houses to inspect the the cleaning their friend's children had done in their houses that day. The kids worked extra hard so they'd pass inspection. Chore systems OK, so now that the children have some training, it's time to talk about work systems—how teaching kids to clean actually works on a day-to-day basis. This is usually where charts come in. The moms I talked to have differing thoughts about charts, and most of us have cycled through lots of them. This doesn't mean they didn't work. Most charts do work—until they don't. They lose their novelty, kids grow out of them, or they need some tweaks. I collected photos of several different charts as I researched this topic, which you can find at howshemoms.com on the page for this episo…

Full show notes at the publisher

An Island of My Own Jun 17, 2019

Show notes

Solitude is a precious commodity for moms, especially when the kids are little. Sometimes entire weeks go by without a minute alone. This is the time of life when going grocery shopping alone or even going to the dentist can feel like a big vacation. Yet setting aside some time and space for yourself is an important way to recharge and help you feel like a real person. Over the years, I've figured out several strategies for sneaking in some islands of precious time and space for myself, even if it's just a few minutes here and there. In this episode, I split them up into two categories—Mom time and Mom space—with six ideas apiece. Links from this episode: Extraordinary Moms Podcast, episode 213: Self-Date Night 3 in 30 Podcast, Episode 29: Making the Most of Everyday Moments to Connect with Our Kids The Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod Full text: Seven years ago, my husband and I went to Costa Rica with his family and left our then three children (ages 5, 3, and 1), with my parents. This was the first time we'd been on a trip without our kids, and it felt both luxurious and strange to get on a plane without them. Navigating the airport was a breeze, and I actually read a book on the plane! When we arrived at our vacation rental, we were amazed. We could see the ocean from the pool patio. Monkeys were just hanging out in the tropical trees and iguanas sauntered across the lawn. It was paradise. And I was a crazy person. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the view or heading to explore the beach, I was running around to all the bedrooms, taking it upon myself to help figure out where everyone should sleep, especially the family that had brought their young son. I had this nagging worry that no one had started to cook the dry beans that we had bought for dinner— and you know how long beans take to cook!! I ran to start simmering the beans, and then set about unpacking and settling into my room. I was in full-on-mom mode, even though no one there needed to be mothered—especially not by me. And then I burned the beans. Appalled and embarrassed that I had burned dinner, I retreated to my bedroom for a little navel gazing. When had I become this person? Was I even capable of enjoying this amazing vacation? Had motherhood turned me into a micro-managing freak? Happily, a good night's sleep and a little time at the beach transformed me from Mom with a capital M into a real person. In a few more days, I was not only a person, I was Whitney. I laughed out loud at my book ("Good Omens" by Terri Pratchett and Neil Gaiman), quoting annoyingly from it to anyone in the vicinity. I woke up early to read my scriptures and write in my journal by the pool. I hiked, explored, and frolicked in the waves. And then came the most astonishing moment of the trip. Everyone else walked down to the beach and I stayed behind to grab my beach gear. Soon I looked around me and realized I was alone. Alone! I felt so weird and wonderful, and that feeling made me realize how long it had been since I was completely alone, with no obligation to anyone else. My family at the beach was going to have fun whether I was there or not. So I decided not to go. I grabbed my book and hopped on a pool float. I read until I got hot, jumped into the pool, and even practiced my diving because no one was there to judge. I sang out loud. I read and wrote some more. It was one of the best moments of my life, a moment in which I felt completely myself. It was like I was on my own little island—alone. That day helped me realize how rare and wonderful solitude can be for moms, especially in those early years of motherhood, before any of your kids are in school and before any of them are old enough to babysit. In her book, "All Joy and No Fun" (perhaps the best title ever written about parenthood) Jennifer Senior referred to this time of parenthood as "The Bunker Years." You spend a lot of time at home, yes, because of naps and such, but even when you're out and about, you're out and about with kids, so the trips are usually short and hectic. Not only that, but for much of the time, you don't even have your body to yourself, between breastfeeding and pregnancy. This subset of the Bunker Years is what I call the Body-Sharing Years. Someone is always touching you. The intensity of the Bunker Years may be a bit more acute for moms who don't have another job elsewhere, but even for moms that do, they're usually around people all day at work and then around people at home after work. Sometimes entire weeks go by without a minute alone. This is the time of life when going grocery shopping alone or even going to the dentist can feel like a big vacation. I'm sure I'm not the only mom who identified with Flynn Rider on Tangled when he sang his dream: "On an island that I own, tanned and rested and alone, surrounded by enormous piles of money." I'm also pretty sure I'm not the only mom who makes Disney-movie references even when talking to other adults. The other fantasy I think many moms share is that fleeting idea, when you find yourself actually alone in a car: "What if I just kept driving…" Of course with no real intentions of doing so. Jessica Dahlquist admitted on a podcast episode that that she once drove by a hospital and thought, "If only I could have a little something wrong so I could just go in there and rest." The crazy part is, I bet most of you who are listening can relate. A word about mom guilt here. It's OK to feel a little desperate for some time to yourself. And it's OK to actually schedule in that alone time. It may feel selfish or ungrateful to take time for yourself when there's so much on your to-do list and so many people on your to-be-with list. But in my experience with moms, especially moms of young kids, it's rare to find a mom who takes too much time for herself. If the balance starts to tip that direction, you'll feel it, and you can scale back. I am two years past the bunker years, and I'll tell you, it's pretty great. Once my oldest son was old enough to watch the others I could leave them with him to go shopping, run errands, or even just go on a bike ride. But there are still times—ahem, Summer Break—when it's hard for Momma to get a little space. Over the years, I've figured out several strategies for sneaking in some islands of precious time and space for myself, even if it's just a few minutes here and there. I'm going to split them up into two categories—Mom time and Mom space—with six ideas apiece. Mom Time 1. Plan a weekly Mom date. One of my favorite strategies comes from one of my favorite podcasters, Jessica Dahlquist, of Extraordinary Moms. In episode 213, she talks about how she goes on a weekly self-date night. This was actually a solution her husband came up with, when she was talking about how she just needed some time alone. He said, "Why don't you just go on a date night by yourself every Thursday night." He puts the kids to bed while she goes out to do whatever she feels like doing that night, whether it's shopping without kids, going to a movie, getting some good food, or just going on a walk. So simple, yet so smart. And so refreshing. 2. Designate a Mom weekend. Weekends are supposed to be a break to recharge from the stress of the week. Not so much for moms. Several years ago I found myself feeling resentful about weekends. My husband and kids wanted to use the weekend to recharge and relax from a busy week of school and work. But someone still has to do the work of feeding and cleaning up, etc. And with everyone home, that work multiplies. That meant the weekend was actually my busiest time of the week. I could have laid down the law and insisted that we all split the work, or that we spend every Saturday doing chores together. But I believe in weekends! I wanted them to enjoy their days off. I especially didn't want to spend every Saturday cleaning. I wanted to be out spending time and going on adventures together. Finally I found a solution. I needed a weekend too, and the actual weekend was not my time. I started picking one day a week, usually a Wednesday just to break things up, and I designated that day as my personal weekend. Now I never miss it. Most of what makes a day a weekend is a mindset. I just kind of take it easy on my weekend, fixing slacker meals or serving leftovers, taking time to read, exercise, hike, or whatever else I feel like doing. Sometimes I get a babysitter, other times I just involve whichever children aren't in school in my leisurely day. And I usually let them watch a bit more tv than usual. The best result of this change in routine is that I'm no longer resentful of actual weekends. Now that I have my own, I'm eager to help the rest of my family really enjoy theirs. If you have another job in addition to being a mom and can't pick a weekday, you could split the weekend up or just designate a set amount of time over the weekend for yourself. Karlee Rehrer, a mom and dental hygienist, takes a two-hour mom weekend every Sunday afternoon. Her kids and husband know that this is her time and they entertain each other. She usually just spends the time in her room, napping, reading—whatever she wants to do. 3. Go for an occasional night away. To take alone time a step further, if you can swing it, treat yourself to an occasional night away—even once a year—all by yourself. Often we think of planning a getaway with our spouses, but it can be even easier to figure out a night by yourself, because you don't have to find a babysitter. And sometimes it's just what you need. This doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. You could get creative here—maybe you just ask a good friend if you can housesit for a night while they're on vacation. But just a night or two where you don't have to put anyone to bed, make food for anyone else, and you can sleep uninterrupted for as long as you want can be priceless. A great example of a mom who did this is for a while, April Perry, founder of Power of Moms and Learn, Do, Become, got a hotel room for herself one night a month so she could make the time to write a book about her mother, who had Alzheimer's Disease. She would then read chapters of that book to her mother and father each Thursday when she went to visit them. Because of those weekends away, she was able to finish her beautiful book, Thursdays with Zoe. She talks about this book on Episode 29 of the 3 in 30 Podcast. 4. Get a babysitter. I don't know why, but with my first few babies, I thought I could only justify getting a babysitter if I needed one—if I had an important appointment that I couldn't bring them to or if I was going on a date with my husband. But I'm giving you permission right now to get a babysitter even if you just want to go throw rocks in a lake by yourself for an hour. This doesn't have to be expensive. Most of my babysitting, especially on weekdays when teenagers are in school, comes in the form of babysitting swaps. I was part of an official babysitting co-op for a while, but usually I just find a friend or two whose kids are compatible with mine and we set up a swapping system. This past year, my friend and I alternated Thursday afternoons. I'm also a strong believer in the power of threes—teaming up with two other friends for a babysitting swap, so you get two-out-of three babysitting sessions free. 5. Embrace the morning—or night. This next idea doesn't really apply to moms with teensy ones. When you have little babies, you just grab every bit of sleep you can. I definitely wasn't savoring any sunrises during the Bunker Years. But, incredibly, those baby years do pass, and one day you wake up and realize you just had a good night's sleep. This is when you can start claiming part of each day as your own. For me, it's the morning. I can vividly remember a time in high school when I decided I wanted to be a morning person. I started waking up early on my own and enjoying some time to myself as I got ready for the day. As the oldest of five myself, alone time was rare then too. I still love waking up before everyone else and having that time to myself to relax, be alone, and prepare myself for the day ahead. It's also when I do my best writing. Last year, I read the book Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod, which gives a great blueprint for starting your day with a rejuvenating morning. He uses the acronym SAVERS to guide his morning routine: S—Silence A—Affirmations V—Visualization E—Exercise R—Reading S—Scribing On the other hand, you can gain a lot of freedom by being strict about bedtime and designating a specific time of night as "adult time." Notice how I say this as if it's a simple thing. To me it is not. Perhaps it's because I wake up so darn early, usually around 5 a.m., but am not very good at firm bedtime boundaries. It tends to drag on and on at my house. But I do know moms who are really good at getting their kids to bed early and consistently. My friend Rachel Beckstead's kids go to bed by 7:00, and they know not to mess with adult time. Even if they're still awake, they stay in their rooms. This gives Rachel the whole evening to spend some time with her husband and by herself as well. For lots of moms, this is their best time to carve out some alone time. 6. Capitalize on nap time/quiet time. Nap time is a naturally occurring break or two in your day when you have young kids. It's easy to get in the habit of scurrying around during this time, trying to get work done that is difficult to do when kids are awake. I definitely fell into this trap for a long time. I'd work so hard during nap time that I was exhausted when the babies woke up. But then, a few babies in, I realized that I could use this time to recharge too—either to catch up on sleep, just relax and breathe for a minute, or even sit and read a book. Some moms are really good at enforcing "quiet time" for their kids even after they're done taking naps—a great way to prolong this time for everyone to recharge. Mom Space 1. The Shower The shower is a magical place where a mom can be alone with enough white noise to drown out most of the other noise in the house. I have gotten some of my greatest inspiration in the shower. I once wrote a poem about how this tiny shower cell was actually the most liberating space in my house. I have no idea where that poem went, but it was a masterpiece. I wrote it in the shower. Granted, there are some times in a mom's life where you really can't take a shower without a baby seat in the bathroom with you. Often this means an entire shower with a screaming or whining child. That certainly doesn't count as alone time. But once your child is past that baby stage, the shower or even a nice soak in the bath can be a great place for a quick dose of solitude. I know it might not be popular with some, but I've found that the only way to keep my small children from walking in and out of the bathroom at will while I'm taking a shower is to put on a show for the duration of the shower, and usually while I'm getting ready too. I do not feel guilty about this. I often use the time while I'm getting ready to catch up on some podcasts or audiobooks. 2. The Table I believe in sharing family meals. But there are three a day. You can afford to have at least one to yourself. Breakfast and lunch may be the best opportunities, because they're usually less formal than the family dinner. Sometimes I eat before the kids eat, sometimes after, but never while they're eating, because then I would surely be interrupted. When the weather's nice, I love a good breakfast alone on my back deck to ju…

Full show notes at the publisher

How She Travels Jun 03, 2019

Show notes

Traveling when you have kids takes patience, planning, and creativity—even if you're leaving them home—but it can be done! And, usually, it's worth all the pain. In this episode, we talk about family travel strategy, packing, flying with kids, road trips with kids, and more.

Here are links to some great blogs and podcasts that I mention in this episode:

Podcasts

Extraordinary Moms Podcast: "Tips for Packing with Jennica Woodbury"

Jessica Dahlquist interviews Jennica Woodbury of mommyconvos.com and they both share great family packing ideas for both air and road trips.

Family Looking Up, Episode 31: "Traveling as a Family"

My favorite podcasting trio talks to Kam and Shani of Our Family Passport about how and why they travel to exotic (and some not-so-exotic) places as a family. It's a fun listen, and packed with great ideas. It will inspire you to be adventurous.

Family Looking Up, Episode 79 "How To Travel as a Family and Actually Enjoy It"

If you're hesitant about traveling with kids this interview with Jessica Dabelich may just change your mind. Yes, it's a lot of work, but the memories are worth it!

The Mom Hour, Episode 185: Road Trips and Air Travel with Babies, Toddlers, and Kids

Sarah has flown a lot with kids, and Meagan is an expert at road trips. Together, they created a great podcast episode full of great traveling hacks.

What Fresh Hell, Episode 20: Vacationing with Kids: What to Pack

Great packing tips with a dose of humor and a slight ziplock obsession.

Travel Blogs

Flyingwithfour.com: Jessica Dabelich shares her family travel adventures with four small children, including lots of great articles with travel tips, packing lists, and great destinations.

Our Family Passport: A family of ten that has traveled to over 40 different countries together. They share tips for the logistics of traveling, plus location-specific, family-friendly recommendations for what to do once you get there.

Power of Moms: If you haven't yet discovered Power of Moms, you'll thank me for hooking you up. Saren Loosli has written the definitive family road trip article here. It also links to several other great travel posts from the site.

CSGinger.com Candice is an intrepid traveler with her twins, now three years old. She has great tips for traveling domestically and abroad with littles.

3kidstravel.com One of the best parts of this site is the interviews with other families that travel. Elise has great insights of her own and a knack for finding other intrepid traveling families.

Adventure Together Christina McEvoy and Rachel Von share fabulous tips and destination-specific travel guides for families.

travelmamas.com A great resource for traveling with kids, including some fabulous packing lists.

thepointsguy.com Go-to resource for travel deals and navigating credit card, airline, and hotel points.

I'm Turning Into My Mother (At Least I Hope So) May 12, 2019

Show notes

A Mother's Day tribute to my funny mom. She shares some great stories!

How She Strategizes May 07, 2019

Show notes

Every mom is a career mom. Some moms have another career on top of their mom gig, but it doesn't diminish the fact that this is a long-term, strategic career. It's a challenging career, but the perks put health plans and 401Ks to shame—the first smiles and giggles, that indescribable feeling of having your baby fall asleep in your arms. And that newborn smell…. Then there's the first joke they tell that is actually funny, that adorable dance recital, the late-night heart-to-hearts. It's the most rewarding career.

In this post, we're going to talk about several different moms, and how they strategize in their own motherhood careers. Specifically, we'll talk about how they create deliberate family cultures, often complete with a family mission statement, how they set goals, and how they include their families in their big-picture planning.

Here are links to more in-depth articles about the moms featured in this episode, as well as podcast episodes and books I mention.

Profiles

How Josie Strategizes: The Lauducci family lives a life of simplicity, togetherness, and global awareness—on a 40-foot sailboat. Family blog: afamilyafloat.com; Instagram: @afamilyafloat.com

How Kelli Cultivates Curiosity: Kelli's kids ask a lot of questions—which is precisely what she was hoping for. Instagram: @raisingcuriousminds

How Andrea Strategizes: Andrea loves to think big and make ambitious goals for her future. Her husband—not so much. Here's how they've built a family culture that works for the whole family. Website:betterscreentime.com

How Leisle Strategizes: Leisle and her husband Vinh dedicate a weekend each year to plan out their life and family goals. By sticking to their vision, they have created a value-driven, generous family culture.

How Jessica Strategizes: This year, Jessica decided to schedule monthly family fun days, each with a different purpose. Instagram: @flyingwithfour

How Sarah Strategizes: Sarah Nielsen chooses one word as her personal theme each year, and then paints the word into a beautiful piece of art to hang on her wall as a reminder. Website: sarahnielsonart.com

How Jen Plans Meals: (This post is not what I talked to Jen about on this podcast, but if you liked her ideas here, you'll also like what she had to say about family meal planning.)

Jodi Chaffee: Our Modern Heritage Podcast

Jillian Johnsrud: montanamoneyadventures.com

Podcasts

Family Looking Up Podcast

Episode 47: Doing Less to Have More, with Jillian Johnsrud

Books

The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack

Mom's Secret Identity Apr 29, 2019

Show notes

Links to podcasts mentioned in this episode:

3 in 30 Podcast, episode 16: "How to Be the Mom You Are Instead of the Mom You Think You Should Be"

The Women With Fire, episode 51: "Jamie Cook of Wander and Scout"

One Mother's Day, Lori Brescia's kids came home from church with questionnaires they had filled out about her. Under "Favorite Food," they had answered "hot dogs," "pizza," "macaroni and cheese." Under favorite color, they wrote, "orange," "blue," "red." The same pattern emerged for her favorite activities and even hair color: they had no clue.

Lori fed them lunch so they'd have some stamina, and sat her family down in a row on the couch, including her husband. "Today is Mother's Day," she said, "and I can't help noticing that these questionnaires you filled out today are really about you, and not me. I am not just an extension of you. I'm my own person."

She spent the next 45 minutes telling them stories about her life. She paced up and down the room, explaining what makes her laugh, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. She told stories from when she was a child and when she taught high school. She shared what she loves about being a mom, but also all the other things she loves to do. They laughed together at the funny stories, and Lori even cried a few times talking about some of her more emotional experiences. At one point, one son said, "This is all about you, mom." "Exactly," she replied, and kept going.

That Mother's Day has itself become part of the Brescia family lore. They laugh about it every year. But you better believe those kids are really good at filling out those questionnaires now.

Mahatma Ghandi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Many mothers are really good at the "lose yourself" part and the "service" part, but forget that the goal in the first half of the sentence is to "find yourself." Depending on how you approach it, motherhood can help you develop, discover, and refine who you really are, or it can usurp your identity until you define yourself only by that role. Then when the kids leave the house, they leave you with an identity crisis, no discernible hobbies or interests, and a lot of time on your hands.

Last summer, I hiked my first 14er (a mountain above 14,000 feet) with my husband. Wading through wildflowers and streams, burning my lungs and my legs, and looking out at endless peaks and valleys, I felt a sudden explosion of joy and thought, "This is who I am." I almost needed to reintroduce myself to this person. In high school, I defined myself by mountains. Not a week went by that I wasn't fishing in them, hiking in them, rock climbing in them, or at least gazing at them with wonder. Now here I was living in Colorado and maybe making it up to the mountains every other month.

That day on Mt. Harvard made me think about the other things that define who I am. Yes, I am a mother. And that is a huge part of my identity. But I am also a writer, reader, pianist, singer, chef, cyclist, dancer, hiker, climber, tennis player, teacher, public speaker, and a believer in God. I've gone through long periods of time where I haven't done some of these things, but they're still part of who I am.

I have also spent a lot of my life feeling like an imposter. When I discovered rock climbing in high school, I didn't call myself a climber, even though I went once a week. I wasn't an expert, so I didn't think I could claim the title. For years as a young mother, I didn't call myself a writer, even though I had worked as a professional writer for years, because I wasn't currently writing. I didn't claim to be a singer, even though that is a huge part of my everyday life, because I rarely performed and because it sounded like bragging.

But I've come to believe that you can and should claim anything you love and that defines who you are, no matter how skilled or professional you are. Even someone who can't carry a tune should be able to claim that they're a singer if they love it and do it a lot.

This especially applies to motherhood. Who doesn't feel like an imposter when they bring that first baby home? Suddenly you're in charge of this needy little creature and you're supposed to have all the answers. Little by little, we gain the required skills, but we get that title, Mom, right away.

At every stage, with every new child, I feel imposter syndrome again. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. But I am Mom, and I claim that title wholeheartedly.

It's also OK not to claim stuff. I am not a crafter, painter, stylist, shopper, interior designer, or aesthetician. I don't decorate my house for any holiday besides Christmas. My children's church doodles have far surpassed my own. I'm fine with that.

There are infinite versions of both Woman and Mom. We all get to create our own version. In an interview on the podcast "The Women with Fire" Jamie Cook, said, "I can be whatever kind of mom I want to be. I can be really fit, I can be really clean and organized, I can be an amazing cook, I can be a really fun mom, but I can't be all those versions of a mom at one time." (Jamie's fabulous Instagram account is @wanderandscout.) As our version of motherhood evolves and changes to meet different phases of our lives, we pick up new interests and talents that enrich our lives.

One of my favorite podcast episodes is "How to Be the Mom You Are Instead of the Mom You Think You Should Be," an interview on "The 3 in 30 Podcast" with Julie Bastedo. She made a list of all the things she does not do as a mother, including organizing playdates, skiing, camping, blogging or podcasting, and doing anything (including exercise) excessively and gave herself permission not to do them.

She does not feel bad about this list at all. She says, "I realized, well of course those are things I cannot do, or never do, or do not enjoy doing, because those things have nothing to do with who I am.... We are constantly reading on social media or reading in parenting books or following on television all of these things as mothers that we are supposed to be. And very infrequently do we recognize who we really are."

Julie then made a list of all the things she does do well as a mother to contribute to her family, including patience, reading good literature (and applying what she learns from it to motherhood), reading aloud, and teaching. We all have things to add to both lists, and we might as well embrace those lists.

I'll end with a list of some of the amazing mothers I know and the things that things that give them that "This Is Who I Am" feeling, to get you thinking about the unique attributes you bring to your version of motherhood:

Juliana is a painter. She paints when she can, and teaches her kids (and other people's kids) to paint. This spring, she left her five kids with her husband for a weekend and went on an art retreat with her sister.
Molly is good at family finance. She likes to have her own finances in order and likes to help others do the same.
Jennifer is a teacher and a swimmer. Even though she could easily argue that she doesn't have time for it with her six children, she teaches swim lessons every May and June to share both of these gifts with others and to feel like herself.
Sarah feels most like herself when she is baking. This year, she opened up a cookie shop from her home.
Ashley is a crafter and inventor. She has turned this talent into a hugely successful website and business called Make It and Love It, with brilliant ideas and tutorials.
Susan, my mom, is a genealogist. She dabbled with this hobby while she was raising us, but now that we're grown, she treats it as a part-time job and is really good at it.
My sisters, Hayley and Cassie, are singers, and now sing together professionally in a trio while raising their young families.
Sandy is an accomplished dancer who now cultivates that talent by sharing it with students at the gym. (I am one of the lucky beneficiaries.)

Whatever your brand of motherhood, embrace it, cultivate it, and spend time doing those things that make you feel like you!

Brataphobia Apr 08, 2019

Show notes

Entitlement is a first-world problem. And it's an embarrassing problem to admit, because it sounds like we're whining about our good fortune: "It's just so hard to raise kids when we have enough money to buy them things...." But just because we're embarrassed that we spoil our children doesn't mean we should ignore the fact nor let it persist.

This month I went on a quest for an antidote to the raging entitlement epidemic. I gravitated to four main books on the topic, though there are many more great ones out there:

The Opposite of Spoiled, by Ron Lieber

The Entitlement Trap, by Richard and Linda Eyre

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel

Smart Money, Smart Kids, by Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze

As I was researching, I compiled a list of 12 things we can teach our children so they don't turn into spoiled brats:

Scarcity
Contentment
Gratitude
Generosity
Perspective
Hard work
Ownership
Patience
Thrift
Consequences
Transparency
Good Role Models

To read the article this podcast was based on, click here.

How She Teaches Her Kids About Money Apr 01, 2019

Show notes

Learning how to manage money wisely is one of those lessons that has to be learned from experience, and watching our kids make money mistakes can be painful. This episode discusses brilliant examples of how moms are teaching their kids about money, from establishing family economic systems to setting up bank accounts, to having kids help manage family finances.

Here are some links to additional resources on howshemoms.com:

The Great Allowance Debate — A cheesy mock debate between a commission-based system of paying children, an allowance-based system, and no system at all.

Brataphobia — Afraid of raising spoiled brats? Here are twelve antidotes to the entitlement epidemic, from four great books.

How Lisa Teaches Her Kids About Money — Lisa pays her daughters a weekly allowance, independent of chores.

How Sarah Teaches Her Kids About Money — Beginning at age 9, Sarah's kids earn money for completing their daily chores, and buy most of what they need or want for themselves.

How She Connects With Her Kids Mar 04, 2019

Show notes

Connecting with our kids is the big "why" of motherhood—the payoff for all the hard work and sacrifice. Sometimes it comes naturally and easy, sometimes it's more complicated, and sometimes it's unspeakably hard. But even then, we keep trying, because that's what moms do.

In this episode, I share ideas about how moms connect with their kids, organized into eight main ideas:

1. Plan Connection Opportunities into Your Routine

2. Make Time to Talk

3. Show Interest in their Interests

4. Play Together

5. Work Together

6. Carve Out One-on-One Time

7. Tell Them You Love Them

8. Identify Pain Points and Find a Workaround