Show notes
Did you know that the #1 longevity factor is not your diet or the quality of your sleep, but the health (or dysfunction) of your long-term romantic relationship? Yes, according to Dr. John Gray, it doesn’t matter how much you’re exercising or how healthy your lifestyle is - if your romantic relationship is a source of stress or unhappiness in your life, then that will inevitably take a toll on your health and affect your longevity.
You can trust John knows what he’s talking about, as does happen to be the #1 best-selling relationship author of all time, and of course wrote the iconic bestseller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The Classic Guide To Understanding The Opposite Sex. He has even more radical insights to share, and some of it might throw you for a second because his ideas are so fresh and alternative. But as you’ll hear, there is always a good explanation and/or scientific fact behind why John says what he does. As he noted during his previous show appearance, culture has changed, society has changed, but we as humans, biologically and hormonally, have remained pretty much the same. This is what usually creates issues between couples - the external factors we all have to deal with because of modern life.
Interestingly, John points out that most women lose their attraction to men when they start to open up about their feelings. But wait, aren’t women always saying they want men to be more open and share more? Sure...but what happens with this dynamic is, the more hurt feelings the man shares, the more the woman wants to protect him. It’s not the sharing of emotions that is necessarily bad, it’s the timing of it. John strongly cautions men to not share their feelings when they are feeling emotional because the change of this dynamic - the woman becoming the protector, not the man - is what results in the woman losing her attraction to the man. John says, “part of intimacy is revealing what is inside of you,” so how do you achieve intimacy - how do you share in a way that keeps the balance of your relationship, instead of throwing it way off? It’s simple: men should wait to reveal what’s going on inside of them until after the woman has done this first. Once she has shared, then that’s the appropriate time for the man to open up about what’s been on his mind.
John also talks about the importance of the unconscious mind, and not letting it “rule” or “control” us, and then we delve into a discussion about hormones. Did you know that for males, a high sex drive is directly correlated with high (or normal) testosterone levels? And whenever you do something dangerous, or something that gives you a thrill, or even something successfully, testosterone goes up. But what makes testosterone go down? When a man feels like his partner does not appreciate or value him. As John points out, life happens, and when it does, it can really knock you down. And it’s in those moments that couples will behave in a way that will either make or break the relationship. As a man, having a supportive partner who loves, appreciates, and admires you for what you provide/bring to the relationship, is a testosterone booster. But when the man has more needs than the woman, she becomes the man, and her testosterone will go up!
The goal is for everyone to have a healthy balance of female and male hormones in their body because an imbalance in hormones will seriously affect your relationship. When a woman starts to slide into the “male” role in the relationship, her female hormones decrease as her male hormones increase, which changes her behavior: women get more stressed, feel more dissatisfied, and find it difficult to express appreciation, love, and acceptance for their partners. They will also start to project all their frustrations onto their partner because when they are testosterone dominant, this indicates that they are stuck in a place of doing things that cannot bring inner satisfaction. Inner fulfillment for women comes from being in alignment with female hormones - and as John explains, tenderness, vulnerability, intimacy, and love all stem from feminine energy. But men nowadays are being told to embrace being more emotional, which John sees as part of the problem, because any time men are emotional expressing their feelings, they’re making female hormones. It’s not the presence of female hormones that’s a problem, it’s just that the male hormones always need to be higher for a healthy balance - because when a man’s female hormones start to increase, his testosterone lowers. Basically, too many emotions for men lowers testosterone, which causes “female” emotions like love, tenderness, and happiness, to become negative, and so men who have dominant female hormones instead feel anger, hurt, fear, and anxiety when they connect with their emotions.
“Anytime you’re arguing with a woman, you’re afraid,” John says. Women do not feel this fear, but it’s there, and it really manifests as defensiveness for men. This causes their estrogen levels to rise, and men often go into the default reaction of, “Well, whatever, I just don’t care anymore, I don’t give a -” etc. And as John clarifies, it’s not that men don’t care (even though they’re acting like it), it’s just that they have to detach in order to deal with these overwhelming emotions. But as John also points out, the fact that men can be closed off emotionally is terrifying to women, and it also makes them feel unsafe and worried. John then lays out two integral pieces of advice: Men need to watch the way they exit to their “cave,” while women have to watch out for how they pursue their man into his cave! A lot of his advice is actually quite simple: mostly, don’t take things personally, because even though it feels personal, it’s usually not. We have to honor the natural balance of our hormones in order to honor our partner, because, otherwise, it’s impossible to sustain a healthy relationship!
Enjoy this stimulating conversation with the always interesting and inspiring John Gray, and remember these wise words: “Don’t let your fears control your behavior. Look at them, listen to them. Try to understand them...then take action, without letting your fears control you.”
TIMESTAMPS:
The health of your long-term romantic relationship contributes to longevity. [03:29]
The point is to find balance with all the forces in the culture. [06:47]
Don’t let your fears or anger control your behavior. [10:22]
Sex drive is all unconscious. [13:42]
Success stimulates testosterone and danger stimulations testosterone. [16:20]
Too much emotion lowers testosterone. [20:02]
If a woman is rational and logical, they suppress their emotions and can’t be orgasmic. [22:34]
When a guy gets a negative emotion and goes off to do testosterone boosting activities, it really works. [24:28]
The problem with relations is we men feel controlled and women don’t know it. [27:24]
Women, you can’t look to your man to be responsible for your happiness. [31:56]
If you are having communication problems, then you are not having great sex. [37:39]
We love you but we want you to change. Really? [40:06]
Nobody wants to be criticized. [41:59]
There always has to be a problem to solve. It’s human nature. [48:08]
We all have unprocessed feelings from childhood. [50:47]
Women cannot hear men unless they feel heard first. Listening is the most masculine thing you can do. [53:28]
When the man undresses the woman, it is very exciting for her. [54:42]
How can we “not take things personally?” [56:15]
The trouble with video games is they overstimulate your dopamine production in the brain and you become addicted. [58:55]
You have to regulate your sexual energy. [01:01:51]
How does a woman regulate her sex drive? [01:10:16]
We need to find a balance between yin and yang. [01:12:25]
Some people don’t know how to grieve properly. [01:18:38]
LINKS:
QUOTES:
- "Women, your job is to be happy; his job is to make you happier."
- "Ninety percent of the things we get emotional about are an overreaction."
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