Show notes
Connor Beaton: Winning your battles through facing your shadow
I’m pleased to host Connor Beaton as today’s special guest on the show. Connor is a male relationship and mindset coach.
Alongside his wife, Vienna Pharoan, Connor has been making a positive impact in the lives of many couples throughout the world.
The current pandemic that we’ve found ourselves in as a result of covid 19 has undoubtedly caused havoc in many relationships. Relationships not just with our partners, but ourselves too.
Connor helps us unravel why so many individuals are having a hard time right now and how we can use the power of self-awareness and conflict management to live a better life with ourselves, and other people.
Facing your shadow.
Our mind consists of three parts. The conscious, subconscious, and unconscious mind.
Also referred to as the Hurt Locker, The Shadow is the part of our mind where we lock up all the past events of our lives that we don’t like.
The shadow is part of the unconscious mind, and it’s where we store our insecurities and things that we tend to avoid or hide from the world.
What’s interesting about the Shadow, is that it’s not only the place where we store our painful past experiences but also where we lock up a lot of our potential too.
For example, imagine a small boy who has an abusive parent who constantly tells him that he’s stupid or not smart enough. This will have a psychological impact on the child. The child will not only adopt a personal story of not being smart enough, but he’s also going to take part of the potential of who he can be and lock it away in the unconscious mind.
It’s only through facing these past demons and shadows, that we allow ourselves to move into a space where we are psychologically complete.
Why men need more of shadow facing
We all have moments where life showers challenges in our lives.
And this has a major impact on men than it does on women.
As a result of cultural pressure from fellow men and society, a lot of men have adopted a natural philosophy of handling problems in isolation, without seeking help or guidance from anyone.
We’ve been taught as men that our highest value is in our ability to perform and solely find solutions to problems.
Connor’s rock bottom.
Growing up Connor lacked a sense of self-worth. He wasn’t very sharp in academics, he was average in sports, but excelled when it came to women.
With time, Connor built a sense of self worth around the attention that he got from women. This turned him into a womanizer and an infidel partner who casually slept with other women for fun.
All of this took a turn when Connor’s partner found out about his cheating ways after finding him with another woman. It was at this moment that Connor fully realized the impact of his actions.
Having led a double life of hiding the truth and only showing what a happy and successful life he was living; Connor was too ashamed to face the world. And so, he took all of his shame and guilt and stored it in his shadow.
This went on for a few weeks up until Connor got to his breaking point. He was living at the back of his car; sad, lonely, and depressed. That is when he decided to reach out to his friend and ask for support; leading to a self-discovery journey of facing his shadow.
Through the process, Connor was able to focus on his insecurities and the part of him that was constantly seeking validation from women in order to be happy. The part of him that was using sex and porn as a distraction to get through his days and get through life.
The time is never right to make a change.
The narratives that we tell ourselves about our lives are very important, as they dictate the trajectory that we’re going in life.
After working with men, women and couples for close to a decade now. Connor has noted that so many people believe change won’t happen unless we hit rock bottom. Unless we’re completely destroyed.
A lot of individuals live under the mentality that growth can’t happen in a consistent and substantial way unless we’re bartered, beat and broken.
In contrast to this belief we actually tend to hide our feelings and escape from reality when we feel pain, suffering, or insecurities.
Our brains have been naturally designed to resist change because it can’t predict the outcome that will result from the change.
And just like in Ryan Holiday’s book The Obstacle Is The Way, we should learn to accept and live by the universal truth that facing our challenges, especially when we least feel like it, is when we absolutely need to do it.
Dark and Light Motivation
There are two types of motivation.
Dark motivation is fuelled by shame or the belief that we are not good enough. And most people build their lives, businesses, relationships and families based on this motivation. The sad truth is that this motivation will wear out with time.
Light motivation on the other hand is a result of us moving into and facing the darkness in our lives. Even though we’re naturally designed to run away from troubles and challenges, light motivation is about facing your inner critic and conquering it.
It’s at this moment we realize that true freedom can only come when we decide to face what we’ve desperately been trying to escape from.
Handling the stress and conflict that’s a result of the current pandemic.
How you’re acting right now to cope with your troubles, is an amplification of what you normally do when faced with the unknown or things that are out of your control.
Right now is the perfect time to lean into the discomfort you’re feeling and do the things you normally wouldn’t do in order to change your lifestyle for the better.
A lot of relationship routines have been destroyed by the covid pandemic. These routines are normally what hold the continuity of connection and communication in relationships.
So if you’re having a hard time with your partner, don’t worry, you’re not the only one. So many people are experiencing the same globally.
To help manage this, you can;
- Create a personal routine that helps you build intimacy with yourself
- Create a couple routine that helps you build intimacy with your partner
Since conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, you can do the following to build a great conflict management system with your partner.
- Know your personal relationship towards conflict.
- Get familiar with how you react in a moment of conflict.
We all react differently to conflicts in relation to our character and personality. Label your reaction, eg. I get too angry or manipulative during a conflict.
This will help you set boundaries with yourself and your partner. This way, you’ll know when to take a pause when either one of you is at their most reactive during a conflict.
Once you’ve taken a pause, you can regulate yourself to solid ground as you wait for your partner to do the same (or reach out if they’ve already cooled off)
All couples have conflicts, but the best couples are the ones that can navigate through conflict and find a way to turn it into a connection.
Connect with Connor Beaton
Website - https://connorbeaton.com/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/connor.beaton.1
Twitter - https://twitter.com/connorbeaton
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/mantalks/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2exoyYcKLknC5IWiwdAihQ
Connect with Doug Instagram: @dougbopst Facebook: Doug Bopst Website: www.dougbopst.com/gift
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