Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Latest Episodes:

Ep 312: Helping Teens Break Through Personal Growth Barriers Oct 27, 2024

Sean Grover, author of Shortcuts to a Happier Life, dives into the psychology behind teenage behaviors and how group therapy can significantly aid in their personal growth, offering insights into handling teen anger, breaking toxic patterns, and understanding parental roles in teen development.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers can sometimes feel akin to navigating an emotional rollercoaster; the highs are exhilarating, yet the lows can leave us questioning everything we thought we knew about being a parent. At times, we may unintentionally become an obstacle to our children's growth rather than a catalyst for their development. When teens repeatedly find themselves stuck or struggling, it might be the environment—including our own behaviors—that's keeping them from forging a path forward.

Our guest this week, Sean Grover, a seasoned therapist and author of multiple books including "Shortcuts to a Happier Life," brings an illuminating perspective on how adolescents navigate their formative years. As an advocate for group therapy, Sean explains how it stands out as the most effective method for helping teenagers, with studies showing it to be 73% more effective compared to other therapies. Adolescents thrive when they have a community; group therapy provides a unique space where teens can relate, share, and learn from each other’s experiences, fostering personal growth.

The Power of Group Therapy

Adolescents naturally form groups as they search for their place in the world. Yet, not enough therapists focus on group work for teens due to its rowdy, sometimes chaotic nature. Sean discusses how group therapy can help teens identify and articulate their feelings by observing peers in similar situations. This peer interaction demystifies their perceived unique struggles, allowing them the emotional freedom to grow without the isolation that individual therapy may bring.

Feeling physical pain or discomfort may often indicate emotional unrest among teenagers. Sean highlights how psychological struggles can manifest as physical symptoms in teens who might not have the vocabulary to express their distress. Encountering such signs should prompt consideration of underlying emotional issues.

Balancing Expectations and Growth

Sean speaks candidly about the importance of setting realistic dreams with teens. Encouragement is vital, but so is cautioning against creating pressure through high expectations. Praising teens with broad superlatives like "you're so smart" might hinder their motivation, as the fear of failure becomes daunting. Instead, fostering a growth-oriented mindset, where perseverance is emphasized over perfect outcomes, empowers teens to navigate life's inevitable roadblocks and adjust their paths as needed.

Recognizing Parent Burnout

Parental burnout doesn't receive the attention it deserves. The strains of parenting often result in exhaustion, irritability, and strained relationships. Sean shares personal stories and effective strategies for managing these stresses, emphasizing the importance of self-care and maintaining a healthy partnership with the other parent to ensure a balanced home environment.

Addressing Anger and Toxic Patterns

Sean challenges parents to self-reflect before labeling their children with anger issues. Oftentimes, children reflect the negative emotions they see in us. Our task is to break toxic cycles by being aware of our behaviors, and understanding what might be behind a teenager's outburst—feelings of shame, hurt, or isolation.

In the Episode…

There's much more to discover in this insightful episode with Sean Grover. We also discuss:

How group therapy normalizes adolescent emotions
The role of physical activities in managing teen anxiety
Spotting and addressing toxic caretaking
Helping teens navigate peer pressure and find mentors
Breaking free from toxic relationships and mindsets

To explore Sean's profound insights further, make sure to grab a copy of "Shortcuts to a Happier Life." If you found this conversation enlightening, consider subscribing and sharing this podcast with others tuning into the evolving journey of raising teenagers.

Ep 311: Highly Gifted Teens Need Support Too Oct 20, 2024

Dr. Matthew Zakreski, author of The Neurodivergent Playbook, joins us to discuss the unique challenges of raising gifted and twice exceptional teens, emphasizing social-emotional learning, handling failures, and fostering authentic connections.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Raising a gifted or exceptionally intelligent teenager sounds like a dream come true. However, studies reveal that when teens exhibit extraordinary abilities in one area, they often face challenges in other aspects of their lives. Managing these disparities while ensuring your child thrives remains an intricate part of parenting that requires careful strategy and understanding.

Our guest for this episode, Dr. Matthew Zakreski, brings invaluable insights into this balancing act. As a clinical psychologist specializing in neurodivergent children and teens, and the author of The Neurodivergent Playbook, Matthew has both personal and professional experience in dealing with giftedness and twice exceptionality. Identified as a gifted child himself, Matthew understands the highs and lows that come with high intelligence paired with conditions like ADHD—an understanding he now incorporates into his work with neurodivergent teens.

In the episode, Matthew and I delve into how parents can nurture the potential of their teens while addressing their struggles. We discuss the phenomenon of skill transfer and how balancing advanced abilities with areas where teens might lag can be challenging but manageable with the right approach. Matthew emphasizes fostering a deeper understanding of neurodivergence, granting children the permission to embrace their uniqueness.

Social-Emotional Learning and Authentic Connections

One of the poignant topics discussed is the concept of social-emotional learning (SEL). Matthew notes that while it might seem natural for all teens to navigate social interactions, gifted children often miss out on learning important social skills because they float through academic challenges without needing these coping strategies. Educating kids on these skills systematically allows them to develop into more autonomous and socially-aware individuals, ready to face the tumultuous teen years with resilience.

Authenticity plays a crucial role in these interactions. Teens often crave genuine connections, and as parents, showing your true self can help bridge any perceived gaps. Sharing personal stories, initiating honest conversations, and validating their experiences can significantly impact their social development.

Handling Failures and Building Resilience

Failure is inevitable, but it is also an essential part of growth. Matthew shares insightful anecdotes about allowing teens to experience failures and learn from them. The key is finding the balance between guiding them through their mistakes and letting them navigate their challenges. This includes understanding what it means to fail and planning how to respond when things don't go as planned. Providing a supportive environment where teens know they are not alone in their struggles can help mitigate the emotional fallout from failure.

Matthew's approach involves recognizing replacement language teens might use to mask their true feelings. Phrases like “I hate school” or “Everyone hates me” often conceal more profound emotional states. By addressing the feelings behind these statements, parents can better support their teens through their emotional upheavals.

The Power of Pro-social Behavior

Matthew sheds light on the importance of teaching teens pro-social behaviors—balancing their needs with the needs of others without leaning too far towards selflessness or selfishness. Real-world scenarios like navigating peer pressure, handling social dynamics, or making ethical decisions at parties highlight the need for such skills. Encouraging mutual respect and understanding can significantly improve teens' social interactions and emotional well-being.

Additional Insights in the Episode

How living authentically connects to social development
The concept of 'body doubling' as a motivational tool
Strategies for motivating bored and disengaged teens
The balance between embracing passions and managing practical responsibilities

By implementing strategies that enhance social-emotional learning, encourage handling failures gracefully, and foster authentic connections, we can better support our neurodivergent teens in navigating their unique journeys.

If you loved this conversation and want more from Matthew Zakreski, be sure to check out his book, The Neurodivergent Playbook, which offers a treasure trove of advice, stories, and research tailored for parents of neurodivergent teens. Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and tune in to our podcast for more insightful episodes!

Learn more about Matthew’s work at the Neurodiversity Collective or follow his speaking engagements at drmattzakreski.com.

Ep 310: Helping Teens Develop Positive Body Image Oct 13, 2024

Charlotte Markey, author of Adultish, joins us to discuss teen body image and well-being, sharing research-based strategies for fostering body gratitude and combating diet culture.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

As a parent, you want your teen to feel confident, secure, and comfortable in their own skin. However, in today’s image-conscious society, this is no easy feat. From advertisements filled with unrealistic standards to the pressures of social media, teens face significant challenges that can negatively impact their body image and overall mental health.

Even the most well-meaning parents can inadvertently contribute to their teens' body image issues. The messages we send through our own actions and words can sometimes do more harm than good. Understanding these subtleties is crucial for promoting a healthier self-view in our teenagers.

Today, we’re diving into the science behind teen body image with Dr. Charlotte Markey, an expert in body image, eating behaviors, and weight management for over 25 years, and author of four books, including the latest, "Adultish: The Body Image Book for Life." Charlotte is here to provide valuable insights into how body image develops during the transition to adulthood and shares practical advice on how parents can guide their teens through this vulnerable period.

The Power of Body Gratitude

One of the fundamental strategies Charlotte emphasizes is practicing body gratitude and appreciation. Rather than focusing on our perceived flaws, we should highlight the aspects of our bodies that we like or appreciate. Charlotte discusses the importance of reversing the negative internal narratives that many of us - and our children - have internalized over the years.

By fostering a culture at home where positive body talk is normalized, parents can help their teens develop a more affirmative and appreciative relationship with their bodies. She shares simple, research-backed exercises that parents and teens can do together to promote body gratitude, which can have immediate positive effects on body image and general well-being.

Battling Diet Culture

Diet culture is pervasive and often sends harmful messages about body image and self-worth. Charlotte takes a firm stand against these messages, arguing that most popular dieting methods are not only ineffective but can also be harmful. Instead, she advocates for intuitive eating - a philosophy that encourages individuals to listen to their body’s hunger and fullness cues and to eat in a way that feels natural and satisfying.

She breaks down ways parents can combat diet culture at home by modeling intuitive eating and creating a positive food environment that doesn’t demonize certain foods or glorify others. Charlotte also gives pointers on how to talk to your teens about diet culture critically, helping them recognize and resist its harmful influences.

Social Media and Body Image

Social media can be a double-edged sword. While it offers incredible connectivity, it also exposes teens to continuous comparisons and unrealistic body standards. Charlotte elaborates on research showing the negative impacts of social media on teen body image and mental health, and she offers practical advice for mitigating these effects.

She suggests having open, critical discussions about the content teens interact with on social platforms, encouraging them to follow positive and inspiring profiles while unfollowing those that focus on unrealistic beauty standards. Limiting daily social media use can also lead to significant improvements in mental health and reduce anxiety and FOMO (fear of missing out).

Fostering Resilient Body Image

Parents play a pivotal role in shaping their teens’ body image and self-esteem. Charlotte discusses the importance of open communication and creating a home environment where body positivity and self-acceptance are the norms. She shares tips on how parents can better support their teens by offering non-judgmental spaces for discussion and by validating their feelings and experiences.

In the Episode...

Listening to this episode will equip you with effective strategies for promoting a healthier body image in your teens. You'll learn about:

The role of body gratitude in improving self-image
Combating diet culture and promoting intuitive eating
The impact of social media on teen body image
Developing a supportive home environment for positive body image
Identifying maladaptive appearance investments
Teaching teens how to support peers struggling with body image issues

This conversation with Charlotte is an enlightening look into the science behind teen body image and how parents can make a significant positive impact. For more insights, follow Charlotte on Instagram and TikTok at @char_markey. Don't forget to share and subscribe to Talking to Teens to catch all our upcoming episodes.

Ep 309: Rethinking Anxiety and Panic Attacks Oct 06, 2024

Nicole Cain, author of Panic Proof, discusses how anxiety can be a helpful messenger and shares holistic approaches parents can use to help their teens understand and manage anxiety and panic attacks.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

As parents, watching our teens struggle with anxiety can be heartbreaking. Our instinct is often to help them alleviate the discomfort or make their anxiety stop. But what if the anxiety isn’t just an obstacle to overcome, but also a clue? By understanding and interpreting anxiety, we can address its root causes and help our teens find lasting wellness.

This week, we’re diving into a revolutionary way of thinking about anxiety and panic attacks with Dr. Nicole Cain, a pioneer in integrative approaches for mental and emotional wellness. Nicole is the founder of the Holistic Wellness Collective and the author of Panic Proof. She aims to show us how anxiety can be seen as a helpful messenger rather than just a disrupter.

A Paradigm Shift on Anxiety

Nicole’s journey began with her own struggles with anxiety and observing anxiety in her loved ones. Traditional messages suggested that anxiety was a life sentence, often treated with medications that did more harm than good. Nicole set out to challenge this narrative, exploring how anxiety could actually be understood and managed holistically.

One of the key takeaways from Nicole's research is that anxiety is not simply a condition to be eradicated but rather a signal from the body that something is out of balance. By understanding these signals, we can address the underlying issues instead of just managing the symptoms.

Four Steps to Managing Anxiety

Nicole breaks down her approach into four actionable steps, making it accessible for parents and teens alike.

Calm the Nervous System: Using practical tools like the panic pack, which can include fidgets or chemical freezer packs, teens can learn to soothe their immediate physical responses to anxiety. This step takes them out of a high-stress state and prepares them for deeper reflection.
Onboard the Logical Brain: Once the immediate panic has subsided, reinforcing logical thinking becomes essential. Brain games and educational activities about mental health can strengthen the connection between the body and logical brain, enabling teens to process their feelings more effectively.
Integrate Back into the Body: By practicing interoception and developing awareness of their bodily sensations, teens can start to notice patterns and triggers in their anxiety. This step involves becoming familiar with how their body responds to different stimuli, fostering a sense of control and understanding.
Reprogram the Nervous System: This involves systematic desensitization or exposure therapy, where teens are gradually exposed to anxiety-provoking situations in a controlled manner. This step aims to expand their comfort zones and empower them to face their fears head-on.

Recognizing Different Types of Anxiety

Nicole has identified nine distinct types of anxiety, each presenting differently in the body. From gut anxiety showing up as digestive issues to chest anxiety marked by heart palpitations, recognizing these variations allows for more targeted interventions. Parents can use these insights to identify which type of anxiety their teen may be experiencing and find tailored strategies for relief.

Environmental Factors and Holistic Treatments

Environmental factors such as diet, mold in the home, and even parental anxiety can influence a teen's anxiety levels. Nicole stresses the importance of a balanced diet rich in fiber and nutrients to support gut health and overall mental wellness. Additionally, addressing external factors like a cluttered home or noisy environment can significantly improve a teen’s mental state.

In the Episode…

Beyond the steps and types, Nicole shares insights on:

The role of the gut-brain axis in anxiety
How interoception can provide early warning signs
The importance of creating a supportive home environment
Practical ways to incorporate holistic treatments into daily life

If you’re curious about further resources and tools, you can find them in Nicole’s book, Panic Proof, and on her website. For ongoing tips and community support, follow her on Instagram @drnicolecain.

Listen to this episode to transform how you and your teen approach anxiety. Don’t forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for future episodes with more experts and their insights!

Ep 308: Empowerment Beyond Perfection Sep 29, 2024

Dr. Abbie Marono, author of Work in Progress, joins us to explore the science of true empowerment and resilience. We discuss how parents can help teens handle shame healthily, build resilience, and develop a realistic sense of self-worth.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Empowerment is a term we often throw around, imagining it means feeling good about ourselves no matter what, or disregarding others’ opinions entirely. But the truth about empowerment is much deeper–and sometimes even a little messy. For teens facing pressures from all sides, understanding and practicing true empowerment is essential for long-term resilience and self-growth.

In this episode, we’re exploring how parents can really foster genuine empowerment in their teenagers. It’s not about ensuring teens never feel bad but about teaching them to build resilience by properly processing difficult emotions such as shame. Our guest, Dr. Abbie Marono, a renowned psychologist and speaker, delves into these concepts in her book, Work in Progress.

Recognizing and Embracing Shame

Shame often gets a bad rap–it’s something we’re inclined to avoid or suppress. However, as Abbie explains, shame is not inherently bad. It’s a signal from our brain indicating that something about our actions or behaviors isn’t aligning with our values or self-image. By understanding and addressing this emotion, we can actually move closer to empowerment, rather than hiding from ourselves.

In our conversation, Abbie debunks the myth that empowerment is the absence of negative emotions or the armor that deflects all criticism. Instead, true empowerment comes from accepting our flaws and using our emotions as a guide for self-improvement. We explore how parents can observe their teens for signs of emotion suppression or escapism and gently guide them towards healthier coping strategies.

Resilience Through Emotional Awareness

Helping teens navigate their feelings and emotions is crucial, but understanding how to do this effectively can be challenging. Abbie introduces us to the concept of interoception–being in tune with our bodily sensations–and how this awareness can actually support better emotional regulation. For teens, learning to acknowledge their emotions without being overwhelmed by them is a key step towards building resilience and maintaining mental health.

We also discuss the pressing issue of helping teens handle the emotional toll of striving for success. Abbie highlights the importance of setting goals without tying our self-worth to them and provides insights on how to coach teens through this nuanced process. Teaching teens to focus on personal growth, rather than chasing an unattainable ideal of perfection, can cultivate a healthier, more sustainable mindset.

Creating A Supportive Environment

One of the most critical aspects of fostering genuine empowerment in teens is creating an open, supportive home environment where emotions are discussed openly and honestly. Abbie encourages parents to model emotional awareness by talking about their own feelings and handling life's stresses transparently. This, in turn, offers teens a blueprint for their own emotional expression and resilience.

We also touch on the role of teachers, mentors, and other important figures in a teen’s life. If a teen lacks a supportive home environment, these other adults can step in to provide a sense of security and guidance. Abbie shares her own experiences of relying on a supportive teacher during her tumultuous teenage years and how that shaped her path to psychological resilience and her eventual career.

In the Episode...

In addition to the topics discussed above, Abbie and I cover:

The real definition of empowerment
How perfectionism sabotages true resilience
Why escapist behaviors can signal deeper issues
Techniques to help teens process and accept their emotions

If you want to learn more about fostering genuine empowerment and resilience in your teen, you won’t want to miss this episode. For more from Dr. Abbie Marono, you can find her book, Work in Progress, The Road to Empowerment, the Journey Through Shame, and follow her on Instagram at @drAbbieofficial or visit her website at Abbiemarono.com. Tune in and don't forget to subscribe for more insights on parenting teens.

Ep 307: Teen Parenting Mistakes and Wisdom Sep 22, 2024

Amy Betters-Midtvedt, author of You'll Make It, and They Will Too, joins us to share her experience raising five teenagers and offers practical advice on effective communication, handling dating and social media, and fostering mental health and responsibility.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Parenting teens can often feel like navigating a minefield, fraught with miscommunications, emotional upheavals, and a constant barrage of new challenges. Many parents find themselves at a loss, longing for the days when their greatest worry was whether their child would eat their vegetables or play nicely with others. When it comes to teenagers, the stakes often feel much higher, and the navigation significantly murkier.

How do you maintain open lines of communication with your teen? What should you do when they break the rules or need direction? How can you help them deal with the pressures of social media, or the heartbreak of their first serious relationship?

We’re joined this week by Amy Betters-Midtvedt, an author and seasoned parent who knows these challenges all too well. Amy is the author of the new book, You'll Make It, and They Will Too: Everything No One Talks About When You're Parenting Teens. With five teenagers of her own, Amy has seen and experienced the multitudes of teenage tribulations and triumphs. Her engaging narratives and insightful advice have garnered her over a million readers and appearances in publications like HuffPost and Parents Magazine.

The Inspiration Behind the Book

Amy reveals that the idea for her book came from personal moments of loneliness and confusion, wondering if other parents dealt with similar struggles. She highlights that conversations about parenting teens often fall silent, creating isolation for parents. Her goal with the book is to provide guidance and camaraderie, sharing wisdom and commiserative anecdotes in an easily digestible format.

Effective Communication with Teens

One of the standout strategies Amy discusses is the power of noticing and naming positive behaviors. Highlighting what children are doing right can help reinforce those behaviors, whereas constantly pointing out what they’re doing wrong can tear down their self-esteem and create friction. As an educator, Amy understands the profound impact that language can have on shaping a child's self-perception and her approach has been both simple and transformative.

Different Kids, Different Rules

Amy’s experience with five unique children underscores the necessity of individualizing rules and expectations. She compares this to how different injuries require different treatments rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. This strategy is respectful of each child’s individual journey and needs, rather than trying to enforce uniformity. This personal touch helps keep the lines of communication open and reinforces trust within the family.

Handling Dating and Romantic Relationships

When it comes to teenage dating and relationships, Amy underscores the importance of being a supportive, non-judgmental, listening ear. Navigating teenage heartbreak is about empathy and presence, rather than rushing in to solve or fix their problems. She also emphasizes the importance of knowing when professional help is needed for mental health issues, drawing parallels to how we wouldn’t hesitate to seek medical help for a physical injury.

Welcoming the Teen Coming Home from College

A special chapter discusses the unique challenges and joys of welcoming home a college student. Amy talks about managing expectations and understanding that the child who comes back from college may be different from the one who left. Supporting their newfound independence while maintaining house rules requires a delicate balance, but it’s a rewarding experience.

In the Episode…

Amy Betters-Midtvedt shares invaluable advice that any parent of a teen can benefit from:

How to maintain open and effective communication with teens
Balancing different rules for different kids
Empathizing and supporting teens through heartbreak
Understanding the importance of professional help for mental health
Navigating the dynamics when college kids return home

This episode is packed with practical tips and heartfelt advice that make it a must-listen for anyone parenting teens. Amy’s experiences and insights offer a reassuring reminder that you’re not alone in the journey and that with understanding and love, you and your teen will indeed make it.

For more of Amy's wisdom and updates, you can follow her on her blog at AmyBettersMidtvedt.com and connect with her on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @AmyBettersMidtvedt.

Tune in to this enlightening episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on navigating the teenage years!

Ep 306: Mathematical Confidence for Parents Sep 15, 2024

Ben Orlin, author of Math for English Majors, joins us to share how parents can understand and teach math effectively. We explore how mathematics can be approachable and enjoyable for both parents and teens.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Math can often feel like an insurmountable challenge, especially for parents trying to help their teens with homework. Many parents remember their own struggles with math or may feel unqualified to help, particularly if they excelled in non-numerical subjects like English or history. It’s easy to feel lost when faced with the task of supporting a teen in a subject that stumped us years ago.

However, the world of math doesn’t have to be daunting. Often, the barrier isn't the complexity of the subject itself, but the way it's been traditionally taught. Being able to assist and guide teens through their math-related challenges can create not only better academic outcomes but also strengthen your relationship with them. Shifting the way we understand and approach teaching math can have a tremendous impact on our teens' confidence and capabilities.

This week, we’re diving into how parents can gain the mathematical insight they need to support their teens. We're joined by Ben Orlin, a seasoned math teacher, and author of the popular blog, Math with Bad Drawings. Ben's new book, Math for English Majors, focuses on making math accessible, even for those who have historically found the subject challenging. His unique approach, which includes the use of humorously "bad" drawings to explain mathematical concepts, aims to demystify math and make it more engaging for everyone.

Math and Its Misunderstood Nature

Ben explains how math is often abstract and how its inherent structure can put people off, especially when taught in a rigid, one-size-fits-all classroom. His insights touch on the disconnect many feel when they believe they are "bad at math", and how the educational system's approach often heightens this feeling. He emphasizes the importance of leading with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to explore the subject differently.

Bridging the Gap with Analogies and Language

One of the key strategies Ben discusses is drawing parallels between math and language. Just as language has structure and rules, so does math. By relating mathematical concepts to linguistic structures that are already familiar to many parents and teens, he opens new avenues for understanding. A key idea shared is the notion of thinking of equations not as rigid commands but as dynamic structures that can be "paraphrased" much like sentences in a story.

Games: A Gateway to Mathematical Thinking

Ben also delves into the use of games as a tool for making math more approachable. Games inherently involve strategic thinking and problem-solving, which are core components of mathematical thought. He suggests incorporating board games and puzzles into learning routines to help teens develop a natural comfort with mathematical reasoning without the pressure of formal education settings.

Embracing the 'Bad Drawings' Philosophy

A significant part of Ben's teaching philosophy is embracing imperfection. His "bad drawings" method aims to lower the stakes and create a more inviting atmosphere for learning math. This approach removes intimidation and encourages teens to view mistakes as part of the learning process rather than failures.

In the Episode….

My discussion with Ben Orlin offers valuable insights and practical tips for parents looking to better support their teens in math:

How to use everyday language to explain complex math concepts.
The importance of shifting from a right-or-wrong mindset to understanding the process in math.
Ways to incorporate games into learning to foster a fun and enriching math environment.
Practical examples from Ben’s book and classroom experiences that demonstrate how math can be engaging and accessible.

Additionally, Ben shares his broader thoughts on the essential role parents play in shaping their teens' educational experiences.

For listeners interested in further exploring Ben’s methodologies and drawing some inspiration from his lighthearted yet effective approach, you can visit his blog at MathwithBadDrawings.com or follow him on social media platforms like Twitter (@BenOrlin) and Instagram (@MathwithBadDrawings).

Tune in to this episode to revolutionize your approach to teaching math and build a more math-friendly household. Don’t forget to subscribe and share if you found this episode helpful!

Ep 305: The Science of Teen Resilience Sep 08, 2024

Tovah Klein, author of Raising Resilience, explains how parents can help their teens develop the resilience needed to overcome life’s inevitable setbacks, emphasizing the importance of anchoring, containing emotions, and fostering self-acceptance.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Your teenager is bound to face setbacks. Whether it’s failing a test, missing out on a sports team, or experiencing heartbreak, every teen encounters hurdles. But what differentiates teens who rebound from those who falter? The science of resilience provides some answers.

Resilience isn’t just about bouncing back; it’s about how we cope with adversity, manage stress, and maintain emotional stability amidst challenges. Parents play a pivotal role in helping their teens develop resilience, supporting them through everyday setbacks and larger life crises. Understanding this, we delve into how parents can shape resilient teens who can navigate life's ups and downs.

We’re joined by Dr. Tovah Klein, a psychology professor at Barnard College and author of the new book Raising Resilience: How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty. With extensive background in developmental psychology and firsthand experience from working in New York’s homeless shelters, Tovah offers practical insights for parents striving to build resilience in their children. Her work spans from understanding everyday stressors to handling major life events, providing a comprehensive framework for fostering resilience in teenagers.

Anchors and Containers: Providing Security and Stability

Tovah emphasizes the dual role of parents as both anchors and containers for their teens. Acting as an anchor means providing a consistent, reliable presence that lets teens know they have a safe space to return to. This is crucial as they navigate the world, testing their independence and coping with new challenges.

As containers, parents help manage their teens’ emotional intensity. Adolescence is marked by heightened emotions and volatility, requiring parents to absorb and help regulate these feelings. Tovah explains that parents don’t need to solve every problem but should aim to provide stability and a calming presence.

The Importance of Routines

Routines offer predictability, countering the inherent unpredictability of life. Consistent family routines, like regular dinners or bedtime rituals, provide teens with a secure structure. These routines also help parents notice when things are off—behavioral deviations can signal that something is wrong.

When routines are disrupted, it’s an opportunity for parents to check in, offering support and understanding. Tovah discusses how creating these structured environments allows teens to feel more in control and less overwhelmed by external stressors.

Effective Communication: Listening Over Fixing

One of the key themes in Tovah’s approach is the importance of empathic listening. Teens often express their struggles through behavior rather than words, indicating that something might be wrong through irritability or withdrawal. Instead of trying to fix issues immediately, Tovah advises parents to validate their teen’s feelings and offer a listening ear.

This doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries. Tovah suggests maintaining clear limits but being flexible and understanding about why a teen might be pushing against them. An example from the book involves a scenario where her son snapped at her about laundry, which symbolized larger underlying anxieties. Offering empathy and allowing space for teens to process their feelings can lead to more meaningful resolutions.

Building Self-Acceptance Over Self-Esteem

Tovah differentiates between self-acceptance and self-esteem, noting that unbridled parental enthusiasm for achievements can make teens feel their worth is conditional on success. Instead, parents should encourage self-acceptance—helping teens appreciate who they are, including their imperfections and setbacks.

True resilience involves facing failures and learning from them. Tovah emphasizes the need for teens to sit with their negative emotions, understand where they feel them physically, and process these feelings. This approach helps teens develop inner strength and emotional regulation skills, crucial components of resilience.

In the Episode…

My conversation with Tovah was filled with actionable insights for parents looking to foster resilience in their teenagers. We also cover:

The concept of the “adolescent dilemma” and why it’s significant.
Practical methods for helping teens process and manage failures.
The distinction between controlling and supporting teens.
Building a strong parent-teen relationship through everyday interactions.

If you’re interested in raising resilient teens capable of facing life’s adversities, this episode is a must-listen. For more from Tovah Klein, you can visit her website at tovahklein.com or follow her on social media. Don’t forget to subscribe and share our podcast. We’ll see you next week!

Ep 304: Overcoming Unconscious Sexism as Parents Sep 05, 2024

Jo-Ann Finklestein, author of Sexism and Sensibility, joins us to discuss the pervasive nature of unconscious gender biases, how they shape our daughters' lives, and what parents can do to raise empowered, resilient girls.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

In our ever-evolving society, we like to believe that we’ve made significant strides in overcoming sexism. Despite our good intentions and progressive outlook, many of us unknowingly carry unconscious biases that we inadvertently pass onto our children. These gender biases can deeply affect our daughters, shaping their self-esteem, their future aspirations, and their interactions in ways we might not fully comprehend.

It’s crucial for parents to recognize and confront these seemingly invisible biases, not only for the sake of their daughters’ futures but for the overall health of our society. So how can we ensure that our biases don’t shape our daughters’ perceptions of their own capabilities? What steps can we take to foster a generation of empowered, resilient girls who can shatter the age-old stereotypes holding them back?

To help us navigate these questions, we’re joined by Dr. Jo-Ann Finklestein, a clinical psychologist whose work has been highlighted in major outlets such as the New York Times and Harvard Business Review. Jo-Ann’s new book, Sexism and Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, is an essential guide for parents striving to combat gender bias in their homes. Armed with her insights, we hope to provide practical strategies for breaking the cycle of unconscious sexism.

Understanding Hidden Biases

Dr. Jo-Ann Finklestein shares her personal experiences of growing up with three brothers where she first encountered gender bias. A simple gift like a pink hockey stick became a symbol of ingrained stereotypes. These early experiences shaped her understanding of gender norms, which she later explored academically at Harvard. Jo-Ann’s journey helped her understand how pervasive these biases are and how they subtly, yet adversely, affect girls from an early age.

Jo-Ann explains how societal expectations shape our perceptions of boys and girls differently. Citing fascinating research, she reveals that parents often underestimate their daughters’ abilities from infancy. These biases, even when unintentional, lead to a lifelong impact on girls' self-esteem and confidence.

Redefining Feminine Traits

Jo-Ann discusses why traditional "feminine" traits are undervalued and how parents can help their children appreciate these qualities. She underscores the importance of valuing emotional intelligence, empathy, and cooperation just as much as traditionally "masculine" traits like assertiveness and competitiveness. By changing our perspective on these traits, we can help our daughters develop a more rounded and fulfilling sense of self.

Shifting Relationship Narratives

One pivotal aspect of Jo-Ann’s book is how cultural narratives around romance and relationships often place girls in passive roles. She argues that this dynamic not only stunts emotional growth but also impacts future adult relationships. Jo-Ann encourages parents to teach both their daughters and sons the importance of mutual respect and shared responsibility in romantic relationships.

Discussing practical case studies, Jo-Ann provides insight into helping girls maintain their agency and assertiveness, even within a dating context. She emphasizes the need for open communication about love being an action, rather than just a feeling.

Handling Appearance and Objectification

Jo-Ann tackles the complex issue of appearance and self-objectification. She discusses the importance of helping girls understand that their value is not determined by their looks. By focusing on what their bodies can do rather than how they look, parents can nurture their daughters' body confidence. She offers actionable advice on dealing with comments about appearance and encourages parents to emphasize their daughters' abilities and intelligence.

Navigating Anger and Emotional Expression

One of the recurring themes in Jo-Ann’s book is anger and its suppression in girls. She explains how societal norms discourage girls from expressing anger, leading to internalized pain and health problems. Jo-Ann shares stories from her practice to illustrate how repressed anger manifests physically and emotionally. She provides tips on teaching girls to express their anger healthily, encouraging them to stand up for themselves without feeling shame.

In the Episode…

Jo-Ann and I delve into a rich array of topics that will help parents better understand and support their daughters. Some of the key themes we discuss include:

How to empower girls while combating unconscious gender biases
The impact of everyday sexism from early childhood through the teenage years
Practical steps for fostering assertiveness and self-confidence in girls
Strategies for teaching boys to respect boundaries and view girls as equals
The hidden dangers of self-objectification and how to counteract them

We also touch on topics like preparing girls for unfair societal scrutiny, teaching financial literacy equally to boys and girls, and the complexities surrounding modern-day relationship dynamics.

This episode is packed with insights and practical strategies from Jo-Ann’s vast experience and research, making it essential listening for any parent looking to raise empowered, resilient daughters. Don’t forget to subscribe, and we’ll see you next week.

Ep 303: The Secret to Raising Securely Attached Teens Sep 01, 2024

Eli Harwood, author of Raising Securely Attached Kids, dives into connection-focused parenting, exploring how parents can maintain strong bonds with teens, even as they become more independent.

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Full Show Notes

Parenting teens can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s also a time fraught with challenges and rapid changes. Just when you think you’ve got a strong connection, everything can start spiraling out of control seemingly overnight. Emotional outbursts can replace casual conversations, and mutual understanding can feel like a distant memory. So, how can parents keep their relationship with their teens strong and resilient during these tumultuous years?

One key to maintaining this bond lies in understanding the science of attachment, a concept that is critical not just during infancy but throughout childhood and adolescence. Teens are transitioning, sharing more attachment needs with peers, and carving out their own identities. How can parents navigate this landscape without losing their pivotal role in their children's lives?

To unravel these questions, we turn to expert Eli Harwood, a therapist, writer, and the force behind the online community Attachment Nerd. Eli is the author of Raising Securely Attached Kids, a must-read for parents eager to foster secure bonds with their children. Eli brings her own experience of overcoming an insecure attachment and turning it into a lifelong mission to help other families.

The Science of Teen Attachment

Eli enlightens us about attachment, the instinctive drive we all have to form close relationships. While young children rely mostly on their parents for attachment needs, teenagers start to transfer these needs to friends and romantic partners. This shift can be emotionally taxing for parents as they feel their central role diminishing. However, Eli reassures us that while teens seek independence, the parental bond remains crucial, especially in moments of high distress.

Mastering Emotional Regulation

The teenage years are a roller coaster of emotions, and as Eli explains, parents must be the grounded, stable force. She emphasizes the necessity of responding to teenagers' changing emotional landscapes with maturity and empathy. Eli offers strategies for parents to practice emotional management, which involves recognizing and naming emotions accurately—a skill termed as alexithymia when absent. By modeling and encouraging a rich emotional vocabulary, parents can significantly improve their teens' ability to navigate their own feelings and form healthy relationships.

Consulting, Not Controlling

Eli introduces the concept of parents becoming "consultants" rather than controllers. Teens are more likely to seek advice and support from parents who respond maturely to their growing independence. It's important for parents to calm their fearful, possessive instincts and reposition themselves as sources of wisdom and encouragement. When teens trust that their parents are secure in their roles and non-threatening, they are more likely to maintain open lines of communication.

Addressing Problematic Behaviors

When it comes to problematic behaviors such as lying or substance use, Eli advises a balanced approach of boundaries without punishment. Drawing a clear line between setting boundaries for safety and punitive measures, she champions an approach based on empathy, understanding, and mature dialogue. Eli’s emphasis here is on understanding the underlying emotional turmoil causing such behaviors and addressing that rather than solely focusing on behavioral correction.

Fostering Gratitude and Empathy

Another important aspect Eli discusses is the practice of empathy math—giving empathy to elicit empathy. She tackles the common parental concern of their teens being ungrateful or selfish, explaining that these traits are a normal part of the developmental stage. Instead of expecting gratitude, parents should model it. Showing appreciation for the little moments can inspire teens to mirror this behavior.

In the Episode…

Eli's insights bring a refreshing perspective on readjusting our parenting strategies for the teen years. Her advice is practical, compassionate, and grounded in psychological research. Tune in for a deeper dive into:

Recognizing and responding to catastrophic thinking
The importance of body language and mirroring emotions
Advocating for connection before correction
Handling life transitions and significant changes in teens

For more tips from Eli Harwood, visit her website attachmentnerd.com, or follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. Thank you for listening! Don’t forget to share and subscribe for more insights on parenting teens.

Ep 302: Debunking Gender Myths for Parents Aug 25, 2024

Michelle Jurkiewicz and Diane Ehrensaft, co-authors of Gender Explained, join us to dismantle common misconceptions about transgender and non-binary youth, address the impact of misinformation, and highlight the importance of thoughtful, gender-affirming care.

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Full Show Notes

In today's digital age, the flood of information—both accurate and misleading—about gender can be overwhelming for parents. Understanding the real science and nuanced truths behind gender diversity is essential, not just for parents of transgender or non-binary teens, but for any families navigating the complex landscape of modern gender identity. Misinformation can exacerbate anxieties, perpetuate harmful stereotypes, and hinder the emotional and psychological development of our teenagers.

Regardless of whether your child is cisgender or part of the LGBTQ+ community, becoming well-informed about gender identity issues is crucial. Misconceptions can lead to unintended harm, fostering environments where biases and myths thrive. Ensuring we respond with understanding and backed by research can make a world of difference in how our children perceive themselves and their place in society.

To shed light on these issues, we're joined by Dr. Michelle Jurkiewicz and Dr. Diane Ehrensaft—co-authors of the new book, Gender Explained. Diane is the co-founder and director of mental health at the Child and Adolescent Gender Center at UCSF, an esteemed expert with numerous publications on gender. Michelle is a clinical psychologist and gender specialist in Berkeley, California. Together, they bring a wealth of knowledge about gender identity and equity, highlighting how gender-affirming care can profoundly impact mental health positively.

Addressing Misconceptions

One of the most harmful pieces of misinformation is the belief that gender-affirming care lacks a scientific basis and is merely politically driven. Michelle and Diane emphasize that gender-affirming care is indeed evidence-based and involves a diligent, thoughtful process, contrary to the notion of rubber-stamping treatment requests. They also point out that contrary to some accusations, gender diversity is innate and cannot be instilled by external influences or by medical professionals.

Another issue they tackle is the myth that a transgender identity in children is just a phase or that it is contagious. Michelle highlights the essential point that gender, much like other aspects of identity, manifests uniquely in each individual, and invalidating these identities can have damaging effects on young people.

The Importance of Proper Care

Diane passionately debunks the "rubber stamping" myth—instead explaining that gender-affirming care is a collaborative effort involving mental health professionals, endocrinologists, parents, and the children themselves. This multifaceted approach ensures decisions are made carefully, supporting the child's well-being at every step. She also introduces the concept of "social gender dysphoria," which acknowledges that external societal pressures often exacerbate the discomfort felt by gender-diverse youth.

Particularly insightful is how they address the emotional journey parents may face, including moments of grief or confusion. Understanding that gender identity is about honoring children's dreams and realities—rather than the expectations we may have—is pivotal in fostering a healthy family dynamic.

Handling Emotional Responses

Our discussions also delve into how to manage personal discomfort as a parent when confronted with non-conforming gender expressions. Diane offers personal anecdotes illustrating how initial discomfort can transform into acceptance and understanding over time, emphasizing the role of love in this process. Michelle adds practical advice on slowing down and reflecting on our gut reactions, encouraging compassion and self-awareness as tools for overcoming bias.

Furthermore, Michelle explains the necessity of sports participation for transgender youth in fostering mental health, community, and personal development. Excluding children from sports teams, she warns, can have detrimental impacts on their well-being.

The Broader Picture

The book also tackles broader societal issues, such as rapid-onset gender dysphoria (a concept Michelle thoroughly discredits), the impact of restrictive legislation on transgender youth, and the importance of creating inclusive environments. By redefining misunderstood concepts and emphasizing evidence-based research, Diane and Michelle aim to replace fear and misinformation with understanding and support.

By the episode’s end, it becomes clear that thoughtful, gender-affirming care benefits children profoundly, reaffirming their identities and promoting healthier, happier lives. Michelle and Diane continuously advocate for gender literacy, reminding parents of the continual evolution of gender understanding, underlined by humanity and empathy.

In the Episode…

Want to dive deeper into these critical issues? Here’s what else you’ll find in our enlightening conversation:

The psychological impact of sports inclusion for transgender youth
How to navigate rapid-onset gender dysphoria accusations
The role of patience and understanding in affirming your child’s identity
Addressing the balance between parental authority and adolescent independence
Practical advice on handling name changes and social transitions

Don’t miss this episode for expert insights and compassionate advice. Listen in to be part of a conversation that promotes equality and understanding for all youth. Remember to share, subscribe, and join us next week for more insights on parenting teens!

Ep 301: Raising a Politically Engaged Teen Aug 11, 2024

Lindsey Cormack, author of How to Raise a Citizen, joins us to discuss the importance of teaching teens about civics and political engagement, and provides actionable strategies for parents to help their kids become informed and empowered citizens.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

In today's hyper-polarized world, talking about politics can seem more like navigating a minefield than having a meaningful conversation. As parents, we often shy away from these discussions to avoid conflict. However, if we want to raise teens who understand their power as citizens and feel confident engaging with political issues, it's imperative that we find ways to bring these topics into our homes.

Our guest today, Lindsey Cormack, is here to help us do just that. Lindsey is a professor of political science who has conducted extensive research on how civics is taught across the United States. She's the author of the new book, How to Raise a Citizen and Why It's Up to You to Do It. Lindsey shares her wealth of knowledge on the subject, revealing why so many young people are left in the dark about our political system and what we can do about it.

Lindsey's research shows that civics education in schools is often inconsistent and inadequate, with a general trend of decreasing emphasis over time. With many students only receiving a brief overview in their senior year of high school and varying state delivery methods, it’s no wonder teens feel unprepared. Additionally, political conversations in classrooms have become fraught, with teachers fearing backlash from parents over anything perceived as too political.

But politics doesn't have to be controversial or divisive. Lindsey suggests that instead of relying on schools, parents can take an active role in encouraging their kids to engage with politics. This can be as simple as having regular conversations about current events, exploring the importance of local government, and recognizing the impact of political decisions on their daily lives. Lindsay recommends starting by discussing things your kids are already noticing in your community and taking these observations to your local representatives.

Understanding and Experiencing Government

The episode delves into the disconnect between what is taught in schools and the political engagement colleges look for in applicants. Lindsey emphasizes that parents can bridge this gap by teaching their teens about the levels of government and how each impacts their community directly.

To demystify government for our kids, Lindsey suggests getting involved in local community boards or even setting up meetings with local officials. Through real-world experiences, teens can learn about civic engagement and understand the role they play in shaping their community.

Action Civics: Learning by Doing

Lindsey argues for the importance of "action civics"–projects where teens identify issues in their communities, research solutions, and learn the process of effecting change. This hands-on approach to civics can help kids see themselves as participants rather than spectators in the political process. From advocating for school policy changes to organizing clean-up projects, these activities empower students and teach them valuable skills.

Cultivating Healthy Political Dialogue

In an era where political conversation often means confrontation, Lindsey offers practical advice for parents on how to facilitate respectful and productive political discussions at home. She provides a framework with specific questions to guide these conversations in a non-combative manner, seeking to understand rather than to win an argument.

Lindsey also notes the value of petitioning and discusses how even younger teens can organize and influence their schools and neighborhoods with petitions on issues they care about.

In the Episode...

My conversation with Lindsey was incredibly insightful. Beyond the main topics discussed above, we also dive into:

Why teaching to the test has squeezed out civics education.
The importance of understanding federalism and different levels of government.
Practical steps parents can take to introduce their teens to active citizenship.
Why reviewing sample ballots before elections can empower first-time voters.
Strategies to help teens have respectful political debates and discussions.

If you enjoyed listening, you can find more from Lindsey at howtoraiseacitizen.com, lindseycormack.com, or on Instagram @howtoraiseacitizen. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 300: Favorite Clips in Review! Aug 04, 2024

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Welcome to Episode 300! For this week’s episode, we’re sharing some of our clips from our favorite episodes. This is material previously reserved for members, but we liked it so much we want to share it with everyone.

Thank you to all our listeners for sticking with us over the past six-plus years! We are grateful for your support and look forward to the next hundred episodes!!

Ep 299: Addiction Through a Sociological Lens Jul 21, 2024

Patricia Roos, author of Surviving Alex, explores the complexities of addiction, advocating for a shift from punitive measures to a public health approach and sharing deeply personal insights from her son's battle with substance use disorder and eventual overdose.

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Full Show Notes

Addiction is a complex and often misunderstood issue, frequently discussed in simplified terms that do little justice to those who struggle with it and their families. Many hold onto unhelpful myths about addiction, focusing on perceived moral failings or simplistic disease models. But what if these views miss the broader picture? What if we could better understand the root causes and contexts surrounding addiction, ultimately providing more effective support and interventions?

In this episode, we delve into the intricate dynamics of substance use and addiction, highlighting not just drug addiction but also related behaviors like anorexia, bulimia, and self-harm. We uncover how these issues are often deeply intertwined with individual psychology and broader societal factors.

Our guest today is Patricia Roos, Professor Emerita of Sociology at Rutgers University and author of Surviving Alex: A Mother's Story of Love Loss and Addiction. Patricia’s personal connection to this issue, through her son's battle with substance use disorder and his eventual overdose, lends a poignant and compelling perspective to her scholarly insights.

Understanding Addiction Beyond Myths

Patricia argues that prevailing models of addiction—the moral model and the disease model—fail to capture the full scope of this issue. She points out that a purely individualistic approach overlooks the critical role of societal and contextual factors. Instead, she proposes a more nuanced understanding that considers how context shapes individual choices. This shift in perspective opens up new avenues for addressing addiction in more empathetic and effective ways.

The Hidden Battles With Anxiety and Control

In recounting her son Alex's journey, Patricia reveals how his struggles began in adolescence with anorexia and later evolved into substance use. She emphasizes that these behaviors were coping mechanisms for underlying anxiety and a relentless drive for perfection—a theme that resonates with many adolescents today. Patricia offers insights into how parents might spot early warning signs of such struggles, encouraging a compassionate and proactive approach.

The Role of Treatment and Societal Stigma

Patricia sheds light on the stigmas associated with addiction within the medical community and the criminal justice system. She shares her advocacy for a paradigm shift towards treating addiction as a public health issue rather than a criminal offense. This change, she argues, could reduce the damaging impact of stigma and open up more supportive and effective treatment options.

Patient Trafficking and the Rehab System

In a particularly eye-opening segment, Patricia discusses the concept of patient trafficking within rehab systems, especially in areas like Florida. She describes how some rehab centers exploit patients for financial gain, pushing them into cycles of relapse and readmission without providing genuine support. This exploitation exemplifies the need for systemic change in how we handle addiction treatment, ensuring it is truly geared towards recovery.

In the Episode...

- How societal stigma and punitive measures exacerbate addiction.

- The connection between early anxiety, mental health issues, and later substance use.

- The need for a public health approach to replace the current criminal justice focus.

- The shady practices of patient trafficking within the rehab system and the importance of ethical treatment options.

Join us for a compelling discussion that seeks to unravel the complexities of addiction and offers a call to action for more compassionate and effective responses. Listen now to understand the broader contexts of addiction, equip yourself with knowledge to support your teen, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insightful episodes.

Ep 298: Maximizing Teen Potential Jul 16, 2024

Scott H. Young, author of Get Better at Anything, joins us to demystify the true essence of learning, improvement, and mastery, shedding light on how parents can guide their teens to excel both academically and personally.

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Full Show Notes

Parents face the continual challenge of helping their teens become proficient learners. With teens constantly navigating the realms of academics, sports, and personal interests, understanding how they can master new skills is invaluable. So how can we, as parents, support our teens in their quest for mastery—whether it's in school subjects, sports, or their personal hobbies?

This week we have the privilege of speaking with Scott H. Young, author of Get Better at Anything. Scott is an expert in the domains of learning and mastery, best known for his pioneering research and practical guides on how individuals can achieve excellence in various life fields. With a background deeply intertwined with education due to his parents being teachers, Scott’s insights are grounded in both personal and professional realms.

In this episode, we uncover effective strategies to help teens become better learners and improve their skills more efficiently. Scott shares fascinating insights about retrieval practice—a method that solidifies memory retention better than repeated exposure. While traditional beliefs suggest problem-solving without guidance builds deep understanding, Scott reveals how observing and emulating can often yield better results.

Mastery Through Examples

For Scott, learning isn’t just about trial and error; it’s about studying examples and getting comprehensive practice. The perfect balance involves ‘See, Do, and Feedback’—a cycle that ensures effective learning. Scott also touches on cognitive load theory, explaining how our limited working memory plays a role in learning and offers practical advice for leveraging this understanding to aid teens in their academic endeavors.

Failing Forward

Facing challenges is essential for growth, but Scott emphasizes the need to strike a balance between challenges and successes. Early failure without appropriate support can demotivate teens. Instead, Scott advocates for building confidence through small wins before presenting more complex challenges. This method not only helps teens stay motivated but also prepares them to handle tougher problems with resilience.

Creating Practice Loops

A significant part of Scott’s methodology is designing practice loops. Ensuring that teens get enough variability in their practice sessions is crucial for long-term retention and generalization of skills. Rather than sticking to blocked practice where the focus is on one type of problem, Scott encourages mixed approaches to help teens become flexible and adept problem solvers in various contexts.

Fear and Learning

Fear is another major obstacle in the learning process. Whether it's test anxiety or fear of public speaking, these emotions take up cognitive resources that could be better used for problem-solving. Scott discusses exposure therapy as a way to help teens gradually face their fears, thereby reducing their anxiety over time. He underscores that persistent effort in overcoming fears is key to long-term mastery and success.

In the Episode…

Our conversation with Scott yields numerous actionable strategies that can be beneficial for parents looking to boost their teens' learning potential. Beyond the highlights mentioned above, we also delve into:

- Why early assessment in classrooms can be demotivating and how mastery learning can help.

- The importance of creativity and productivity in achieving mastery.

- Strategies for unlearning bad habits and adopting better techniques.

- Real-world examples of how small adjustments in teaching techniques can lead to big improvements.

For those interested in diving deeper, you can explore more of Scott’s insights at scotthyoung.com where you can also find his books and podcast.

Tune into this episode to learn how to foster an environment conducive to mastering new skills and to encourage your teens to reach their full potential. Don't forget to share, subscribe, and review so more parents can benefit from these insights!

Ep 297: Raising Skeptical Thinkers Jul 08, 2024

Alex Edmans, author of May Contain Lies, delves into how confirmation bias and belief polarization skew our perceptions, offering tips for parents to help their teenagers navigate misinformation and think critically.

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Full Show Notes

In today's digital world, misinformation spreads faster than ever. Even as adults, we often find ourselves believing things that aren't true or are more nuanced than we think. The issue becomes even more critical when considering how we raise teenagers to be discerning and truth-seeking individuals.

How do we guide teens to differentiate fact from fiction in a sea of misleading information? How can we teach them to critically evaluate the plethora of claims they encounter daily—whether in social media, news, or even school? The ability to critically question and analyze data is a vital skill, and it’s more crucial now than ever.

To delve into the complexities of misinformation and how to tackle it, we're speaking with Alex Edmans, a professor of finance at London Business School. Alex's TED Talk, "What to Trust in a Post-Truth World," has resonated with millions, and his book, May Contain Lies, explores how biases impact our understanding and decision-making processes. With a keen focus on both finance and everyday life, Alex offers deep insights and practical advice on how to navigate a world filled with skewed information.

Understanding Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias is a significant issue that affects how we process information. Alex highlights that we often accept information that aligns with our pre-existing beliefs uncritically, while scrutinizing information that contradicts our views. This is prevalent not just in finance and economics, Alex's fields of expertise, but also in everyday topics like parenting and healthcare.

For instance, Alex describes how widely accepted recommendations like exclusive breastfeeding may not be as beneficial as we think. While these claims are backed by reputable sources like the World Health Organization, they may overlook other contributing factors like socio-economic status and family support systems. By critically examining the research and understanding its context, we can make more informed decisions and avoid unnecessary guilt.

Tackling Black and White Thinking

Another prevalent bias Alex addresses is black and white thinking, where we categorize things as entirely good or bad with no gray areas. This kind of thinking is aided by simple, extreme messages that go viral on social media but often lack nuance. Alex illustrates this with the example of the Atkins diet, which gained popularity for its extreme stance on carbohydrates, even though it oversimplifies the role of carbs in a balanced diet.

For parents, understanding and combating these biases can help in guiding teenagers to see beyond black and white categorizations. Encouraging them to reason through their beliefs and understand the nuances can foster more critical and balanced thinking.

Solutions: The Ladder of Misargument

To help teenagers and parents alike navigate misinformation, Alex introduces the "Ladder of Misargument," a framework that breaks down common types of misinformation into four categories:

A statement is not a fact: Understand the context and accuracy of the information.
Facts are not data: Ensure the facts are representative and not isolated.
Data is not evidence: Look for causation, not just correlation.
Evidence is not proof: Recognize that evidence may not be universal or applicable in all contexts.

Creating a Culture of Inquiry and Dialogue

Encouraging skeptical thinking in teenagers isn't just about teaching them to question authority but creating a culture where it's safe to ask questions and express doubts. Alex discusses how a high-power hierarchy can stifle honest communication and the flow of ideas. By reducing hierarchical barriers and fostering open dialogue, whether in families or workplaces, we can create environments where critical thinking thrives.

Parents can also model this behavior by openly discussing their thought processes and demonstrating how to critically analyze information. Encouraging teenagers to explain their viewpoints in detail can help them see the limitations of their own understanding and foster a habit of thorough investigation.

In the Episode…

Alex shares a wealth of insights on how to cultivate critical thinking and avoid common pitfalls of misinformation. Tune in to learn about:

How sports results can mysteriously affect the stock market
The importance of asking detailed questions and listening
Ways to foster healthy debate within families
How to identify and mitigate common biases in everyday decisions

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Alex on his website, alexedmans.com, or follow him on LinkedIn under the username A Edmans. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 296: Redefining Public Education Jun 30, 2024

Cara Fitzpatrick, author of The Death of Public School, joins us to discuss the history and implications of school choice in America. We delve into how school vouchers, charter schools, and education savings accounts redefine public education.

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Full Show Notes

The structure and definition of public education in America are changing rapidly. With more states adopting programs that allow parents to divert public funds to private and charter schools, the idea of what constitutes a public education is being fundamentally reexamined. These changes have far-reaching implications for our communities, teachers, and children.

To explore this critical topic, we’re joined by Cara Fitzpatrick, editor at Chalkbeat and Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. Cara’s deep dive into the origins and effects of school choice is encapsulated in her book, The Death of Public School. Her work offers a comprehensive look at how we've arrived at the current state of education and what it means for the future.

Origins of School Choice

Cara traces the beginnings of school choice back to Florida, a significant testing ground for charter schools and voucher systems. The concept hinges on the principle that public money should follow the student, whether they attend a public, private, or charter school. This notion became particularly contentious with the introduction of education savings accounts, offering unprecedented flexibility in how public funds can be utilized for a student’s education.

Navigating the Varieties of School Choice

School choice programs can take various forms, such as school vouchers and charter schools. While charter schools operate with public funding but independent management, vouchers allow parents to use public money for private school tuition, including religious institutions. Cara breaks down these different models, highlighting the nuances and controversies associated with each.

Historical Context and Its Implications

Understanding the history of public education helps contextualize today’s debates. From the vision of early American leaders like Thomas Jefferson to the contentious battles over school integration in the 1950s, Cara illustrates how the definition of public education has evolved. She emphasizes that this isn't just a new debate but a complex issue with roots in America's early history.

Where Are We Now?

School choice has grown significantly, with programs now available in over half of the states. However, this growth hasn’t come without challenges. Cara explains how the initial waves of school choice, such as those in the 1950s used to resist desegregation, differ significantly from today’s initiatives. She also addresses the legal battles that have shaped the current landscape, including key Supreme Court decisions that have supported the use of public funds for religious education under specific conditions.

Future of Public Education

The future of public education is uncertain but seemingly headed towards more choice and less traditional public schooling. As Cara discusses, the recent push towards universal programs – accessible to all students regardless of income or need – indicates a shift supported by current political and judicial climates.

In the Episode…

In our conversation with Cara, we explore various other topics, including:

- The economic arguments for and against school choice

- The potential for discrimination within choice programs

- The role of competition in improving public schools

- Historical and contemporary court rulings impacting school choice

- Predicting the future landscape of American public education

Cara’s deep research and thoughtful insights offer a balanced view on a complex issue. For a more detailed understanding, grab a copy of her book, The Death of Public School, and consider attending local school board meetings to stay engaged with how these changes might affect your community.

For more thought-provoking conversations and expert insights, make sure to listen to this week’s episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens.

Ep 295: Raising Teen Change-Makers Jun 24, 2024

Kate Parker, author of Force of Nature, joins us to discuss how to cultivate teen activism and empower them to raise their voices about vital issues. We explore the impact of authenticity in photography, the importance of encouraging teens to speak out, and practical tips for capturing meaningful moments with your camera.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

In today’s digital age, teenagers are constantly bombarded with idealized images and messages on social media. Often, these images are meticulously curated and edited, setting unrealistic standards for beauty and success. For parents, this raises a crucial question: how can we help our teens rise above these false ideals and find their authentic voices?

This week, we’re speaking with Kate Parker, a renowned photographer and author of several influential photo collections, including Strong is the New Pretty and her latest, Force of Nature. Kate’s work focuses on capturing the real, raw moments that highlight the true strength and beauty of young girls. By putting forward authentic and unpolished images, Kate encourages both teens and adults to embrace their genuine selves and to celebrate their unique voices.

In our discussion, Kate shares the insightful journey behind her first book, inspired by her desire to present her daughters in a true and unfiltered light. The project started with personal portraits but grew into a celebrated movement as her authentic representations resonated globally. Kate’s book, Strong is the New Pretty, has been translated into multiple languages, proving that the message of unyielding authenticity transcends cultural boundaries.

Fostering Teen Activism

One key theme in Kate’s latest book, Force of Nature, is empowering teens to raise their voices and advocate for change in their communities. Divided into sections—Find Your Voice, Use Your Voice, Sustain Your Voice, and Amplify Your Voice—the book showcases young girls who have taken impactful actions, from writing op-eds to suing the government, to advocate for causes they believe in.

Kate underscores the importance of parents actively encouraging their children to speak out. When kids come to us with complaints or concerns, we should nudge them toward advocacy by asking how they might change things and offering our support. Parents can play a crucial role in providing the initial push that helps teens realize their potential for making a difference.

Capturing Real Moments

Kate’s photography captures the essence of real experiences, whether it’s a girl fully immersed in her sport or kids engaging in community advocacy. To achieve this, she uses techniques that facilitate authentic expressions, like giving kids fun tasks or making them laugh naturally during a shoot. This approach not only makes for compelling images but also reinforces the idea that genuine, unfiltered moments are the most beautiful.

Speaking on giving advice for at-home photography, Kate recommends avoiding posed and forced smiles. Instead, she suggests crafting moments that elicit genuine joy and interactions. She also shares technical tips, such as shooting during the golden hour or using natural light from windows, to elevate the quality of photos.

Encouraging Passion and Inclusivity

Throughout the episode, Kate offers insights into how diverse backgrounds and experiences contribute to the rich tapestry of voices showcased in her books. Stories of girls who faced challenges—whether due to disabilities, societal norms, or personal adversities—highlight the resilience and ingenuity required to advocate for change. For parents, this serves as a potent reminder to foster an inclusive environment where every child feels valued and capable of making a difference.

In the Episode…

Our conversation with Kate Parker dives deep into multiple aspects of raising confident, outspoken teens. Here’s a glimpse of what we cover:

- How to encourage teens to find and use their voices

- The impact of authentic photography on self-esteem

- Practical tips for capturing meaningful photos at home

- Stories of girls making significant changes in their communities

- The importance of passion and confidence in teens

If you’re looking to inspire your teen to become a proactive changemaker or want to improve your family photography skills, this episode is a goldmine of insights. For more from Kate Parker and to follow her ongoing work, visit her Instagram at @katetparker. Don’t forget to subscribe to our podcast for more enlightening interviews and parenting tips. Thanks for tuning in!

Ep 294: Understanding Gender Beyond the Binary Jun 16, 2024

Diane Ehrensaft, author of "The Gender Creative Child," joins us to discuss the complexities of gender identity and expression in today's teens, offering parents insights on how to support their children through gender exploration and creativity.

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Full Show Notes

When it comes to raising teenagers, one of the most complex and delicate topics parents may face is the evolving concept of gender. In today’s world, many young people are exploring gender creativity, challenging traditional norms, and seeking to express their true selves in ways that might be daunting for their parents to understand. Navigating this landscape requires empathy, open-mindedness, and reliable information to help ensure that teens feel supported and validated in their journey.

For parents, the idea of kids thinking beyond the male-female binary or even the spectrum can seem overwhelming. Gender today is more like a web, interwoven with threads of nature, nurture, and culture. Each child's gender identity and expression are unique and evolving, often influenced by their experiences and interactions. How can parents help their teens weave these complexities into a coherent and authentic sense of self?

To shed light on this, we’re joined by Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, a developmental and clinical psychologist, the co-founder and director of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center, and an associate professor of pediatrics. Diane’s work has been featured across numerous reputable platforms, including the New York Times and NPR. She’s also the author of "The Gender Creative Child." Diane is here to offer her expert insights on how teens and their families can navigate gender creativity.

Understanding the Gender Web

Diane introduces the concept of the "gender web," a more dynamic and multi-dimensional way to think about gender, beyond linear spectrums and binary boxes. Using three major threads—nature (biological aspects), nurture (environmental influences), and culture (societal norms)—Diane suggests that every person's gender web is uniquely woven, constantly evolving over time. This web model helps us appreciate the complexities of gender and underscores the importance of allowing space for this evolution in our children.

Breaking Away from Boxes

Instead of confining identities to rigid categories like "boy" or "girl," a more flexible approach can be incredibly liberating for kids. Diane shares fascinating anecdotes of children who have described themselves using terms like "gender hybrid" and "gender smoothie." These self-descriptions reflect an understanding of gender that goes beyond traditional norms. Diane emphasizes the importance of respecting both the fluid and stable aspects of a child's gender identity.

Apples, Oranges, and Fruit Salads

Diane explains different gender identities through her "apples, oranges, and fruit salads" metaphor. Children who have a clear, stable gender identity from an early age are the "apples." "Oranges" are those who explore their gender creatively but without a persistent disconnect from their assigned gender. "Fruit salads" mix both gender identity and expression in unique ways. Understanding these distinctions can help parents better support their teens, regardless of where they fall on this spectrum.

The Role of Parents: De-centering and Support

Parenting a gender-creative child also involves self-reflection and emotional intelligence. Diane discusses the importance of "de-centering," where parents set aside their own ambitions and expectations to better listen to and support their child’s expressed needs and identities. Recognizing and addressing our own unconscious biases and microaggressions is also critical to fostering a supportive environment.

Medical Interventions

For parents considering medical support for their gender-creative teens, Diane provides clarity on the types and timing of medical interventions, including puberty blockers and hormone replacement therapy. These interventions are carefully considered and catered to each individual, with a rigorous assessment process to ensure they are in the best interest of the child's welfare.

In the Episode...

Dr. Diane Ehrensaft’s expertise offers a valuable guide for parents seeking to support their gender-creative children. In our conversation, we also discuss:

- The importance of understanding and using the right terminology

- How teens can explore their identities safely and responsibly

- The cultural shifts influencing how we see gender today

- The role of online communities and how they impact gender exploration

If you found this conversation enlightening, don’t miss out on Diane’s forthcoming book "Gender Explained," co-authored with Michelle Jerkowitz. Stay connected with Diane via her website, dianeehrensaft.com, for more insights. Thanks for listening! Don’t forget to share, subscribe, and join us next week.

Ep 293: Breaking the Stigma of Mental Illness Jun 09, 2024

Roy Richard Grinker, author of Nobody's Normal, How Culture Created the Stigma of Mental Illness, joins us to discuss the cultural history of mental illness stigma and how parents can create supportive environments for their teens to talk about their mental health.

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Full Show Notes

Talking about mental health can often feel like walking on eggshells. Despite growing awareness, there remains a significant challenge in how comfortably and openly people address issues surrounding mental illness. For parents of teens, understanding and navigating this intricate subject is crucial to ensuring their children feel supported and understood during such formative years.

If we want to foster environments where teenagers feel safe discussing their mental health struggles, we must first understand the roots of the stigma surrounding mental illness. Historically, mental health problems have been shrouded in shame and secrecy, which has deeply embedded these stigmas into our culture. But where did this stigma originate, and how can we begin to dismantle it in our families?

To delve into this topic, we are joined by Roy Richard Grinker, a professor of anthropology and international affairs at George Washington University and the author of several insightful books, including Unstrange Minds and his latest, Nobody's Normal, How Culture Created the Stigma of Mental Illness. Richard brings a unique perspective on how societal and cultural factors have shaped our views on mental health.

In this episode, we explore the history of mental illness stigma, examining why mental health issues have been viewed so negatively. Richard explains how the intersection of culture, historical events, and societal norms has contributed to this pervasive problem. We learn about surprising instances from history, like the unexpected origins of common breakfast foods created to prevent masturbation, and how these reflect broader societal attitudes towards mental health.

Changing Perspectives On Mental Illness

One of the eye-opening stories Richard shares is about a student who described the best day of her freshman year as the day she was diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis provided her validation and understanding of her struggles, leading us to discuss how diagnosis can both liberate individuals and unintentionally place the burden solely on them, overlooking societal and environmental factors.

Richard draws attention to the limitations of viewing mental health issues through a purely biological lens without considering the broader social context. He sheds light on the "social model of disability," emphasizing that many challenges attributed to personal failings are often exacerbated, if not created, by societal structures and cultural expectations.

The Dual Illness of Mental Health Stigma

A crucial point raised in our conversation is the "double illness" experienced by those with mental health issues. Not only do they suffer from the symptoms of their condition, but they also bear the additional weight of societal judgment and stigma. Richard highlights sobering examples, such as politicians avoiding therapy to not appear weak, which perpetuates the stigma and discourages honesty about mental health struggles.

We also touch on historical perspectives, including how mental health was perceived during slavery and the impact of differing care models between the North and the South. These insights help illustrate how cultural and systemic factors have long influenced the treatment and perception of mental illness.

The Evolution of Mental Health Terminology

Our discussion then moves into how the terminology around mental health has evolved, sometimes reflecting shifts in cultural attitudes. From outdated terms like hysteria to more contemporary ones like conversion disorder, we see how language both shapes and is shaped by societal understanding.

Richard and I delve into the implications of more recent changes, such as the removal of Asperger's syndrome from the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual. He argues that these changes are often driven more by cultural needs than by new scientific discoveries.

Creating an Open Dialogue in Your Home

To conclude, we focus on practical steps parents can take to create a supportive environment where their teens feel comfortable discussing mental health issues. Richard emphasizes the importance of normalizing these conversations and being proactive in asking teens about their emotional well-being, just as one would inquire about physical health.

In the Episode…

Richard's insights are invaluable for anyone looking to understand and dismantle the stigma around mental illness. In addition to the topics discussed above, we also cover:

- How wars have historically progressed mental health care

- The impact of societal norms on the perception of gender and mental health

- Modern approaches to diagnosing and treating mental health issues

- How historical and cultural contexts can influence mental health labels and treatments

Richard’s book, Nobody's Normal, offers a profound look into how culture shapes our understanding of mental health, and our conversation provides practical advice for parents striving to support their teens. Listen to the full episode for more!

Don’t forget to share and subscribe to Talking to Teens, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 292: Why Your Teenager Drives You Crazy Jun 02, 2024

Todd Baratz, author of How To Love Somebody Without Losing Your Mind, explains how parents can navigate conflict in their relationships with their teens and partners, fostering true intimacy and realistic expectations.

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Full Show Notes

Navigating relationships with teenagers can be incredibly challenging. There's often conflict, emotional rollercoasters, and moments when parents feel like they might lose their minds. But what if these hardships are an essential part of genuine intimacy? What if the idea that relationships should be free of conflict is setting us up for disappointment? Understanding these dynamics can transform the way we interact with our teens and partners, helping us build stronger, more connected relationships.

In today's episode, we delve into these questions and more with Todd Baratz, a renowned sex therapist and author of How To Love Somebody Without Losing Your Mind. Todd's expertise is grounded in both professional practice and personal experience, making his insights relatable and actionable for parents looking to improve their relationships.

Unrealistic Expectations and Their Origins

Todd points out that many of us grow up with unrealistic expectations about relationships, often rooted in fairytales and media. These perfectionistic ideals lead us to believe that true love should be effortless and devoid of conflict. When reality inevitably doesn't match up, we feel deeply disappointed. Todd explains how understanding and adjusting these expectations can make a significant difference in our relationships, whether with our partners or our teenagers.

The Importance of Open Conversations

Through conversations with his own parents, Todd learned that many of the relationship patterns he struggled with were inherited, rooted in intergenerational trauma. He emphasizes the importance of openly discussing family histories and personal stories with our teens, helping them understand that love and relationships are shaped by cultural and familial contexts. By fostering open and honest communication, parents can equip their teens with a more realistic view of relationships.

Addressing Unrealistic Relationship Expectations in Teens

Many parents wait until they notice their teens becoming sexually active or entering relationships to start important conversations about love and sex. Todd argues that it’s crucial to begin these discussions early, providing comprehensive education about relationships before issues arise. He suggests creating a relational environment where curiosity and open dialogue are encouraged. This proactive approach helps teens develop a healthy, realistic understanding of intimacy and relationships.

Healthy Communication and Emotional Management

Healthy communication is about more than using "I statements" and validating emotions. Todd and I discuss how real, healthy communication often involves discomfort and conflict, which are essential for growth. We talk about the concept of being "flooded" or overwhelmed with emotions and how parents and teens can learn to tolerate these intense feelings. By acknowledging and understanding these emotional experiences, we can navigate them more effectively and deepen our relationships.

Differentiation and Developing Independence

Differentiation is the process of becoming more distinct as individuals while maintaining a close connection. Todd explains how encouraging teens to develop their own identities and fostering their independence is crucial. This process helps teens grow into confident individuals who can manage their relationships healthily. He also discusses how parents can model differentiation by maintaining their own interests and identities outside of their roles within the family.

Addressing the Realities of Intimacy

True intimacy requires a willingness to be uncomfortable and to hear what we might not want to hear. Todd emphasizes that healthy relationships involve work and are rarely perfect. By embracing this reality, parents can set a more realistic example for their teens, teaching them that good relationships are built through effort and resilience, not through seeking perfection.

In the Episode...

Join us to uncover insights about:

- How pain and conflict are essential for intimacy

- Realistic vs. unrealistic relationship expectations

- The importance of open, honest conversations about family history

- Techniques for managing emotional overwhelm

- Encouraging teens’ independence while maintaining strong connections

- Redefining healthy communication in relationships

Don’t miss this enlightening episode with Todd Baratz, and remember to share and subscribe!

Ep 291: Parenting a "Problem Child" May 26, 2024

Kristina Kuzmic, author of I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child, shares personal insights on handling teen depression, substance use, and the importance of connection over control in parent-child relationships.

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Full Show Notes

Parenting a struggling teen comes with challenges that can often feel insurmountable. Whether you're facing issues like lying, substance use, tantrums, or even violence and aggression, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and at a loss for solutions. Understanding how to foster an environment where your child feels seen and supported—despite the chaos—can make a significant difference in both your lives.

When Kristin Kuzmic's son began showing signs of severe depression and substance use during his teen years, she embarked on a journey to understand, support, and ultimately help him heal. Her story, detailed in her latest book, I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child, offers a wealth of knowledge for parents in similar situations.

Joining us on the show today, Kristina explains how her initial reluctance about sharing her journey turned into a powerful testimony of the strength and resilience required to parent a struggling child. With her son’s blessing and contribution, the book became a crucial resource for parents dealing with similar issues.

Identifying Signs of Struggle

Kristina noticed her son's change in behavior around age 12—what began as typical teenage mood swings escalated into serious signs of depression. From isolating behaviors to violent outbursts, Kristina's home became a battleground. Persistent therapy sessions seemed futile until the deeper issues at play were properly identified as clinical depression. Recognizing that these behaviors are symptoms of deeper issues, not simple teenage rebellion, was a vital step in addressing his struggles.

Connection Over Control

A theme that permeates Kristina’s approach is the necessity of connection over control. She emphasizes that the first instinct of many parents—controlling behavior—is often counterproductive. Instead, she advocates for a connection-driven approach, focusing on truly understanding your child’s individual struggles and needs. Practical steps like using grounding techniques and calming your own responses to their actions can open up channels for genuine communication and support.

The Power of Showing Up

Throughout Luca’s most troubling times, Kristina maintained a constant presence in his life, even when he tried pushing her away. This persistent showing up helped build a foundation of trust that eventually allowed her son to turn to her in his moments of deepest need. This approach is a testament to the importance of being physically and emotionally present, even when it feels like you're not making a difference.

Navigating the Maze of Mental Health Support

From psychiatric care to residential treatment centers, Kristina and her family navigated the complex mental health system. She shares valuable advice on making these decisions and finding the right support systems while emphasizing the importance of consent and involvement from the struggling teen.

The Overlooked "Good" Child

While dealing with a struggling child, it’s easy to overlook siblings who appear to be coping well. Kristina warns parents against this oversight, sharing how her daughter suffered silently while maintaining a facade of stability. Ensuring that all children in a family receive the attention and support they need, regardless of apparent signs of distress, is crucial.

Self-Care is Not Selfish

Kristina discusses the often neglected topic of parental self-care. Facing the immense emotional toll of supporting a struggling teen, parents might feel guilty for any self-indulgence or personal time. However, Kristina argues that taking care of oneself is also an essential part of being an effective, compassionate parent. Both her anecdotal experiences and the transformative advice from her friend Zach highlight that parents maintaining their personal well-being inadvertently lift a significant burden off their children.

Communicate Clearly, Even with a Spouse

Another key element Kristina found beneficial was maintaining open communication with her spouse through daily emails. This practice allowed them to express emotions and concerns without confrontation, resulting in a stronger partnership and a united front in dealing with their son’s struggles.

In the Episode...

Throughout our conversation, Kristina offers profound wisdom and practical advice for parents dealing with similar challenges. Other topics we cover include:

- How to address violent behavior stemming from depression

- Strategies for creating a trust-based rather than control-based relationship

- How enforcing too much consistency may actually be counterproductive

- How to spot signs of hidden depression in “good” kids

If you are a parent, guardian, or anyone concerned about a struggling teen, you won't want to miss this episode. Kristina Kuzmic’s book, I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child, provides a deeply personal yet universally valuable account. For more updates, Kristina can be found on social media under @KristinaKuzmic. Don’t forget to share and subscribe for more insightful episodes like this one!

Ep 290: How to Be an Ally to Your LGBTQ Child May 19, 2024

Heather Hester, author of Parenting with Pride, joins us to discuss the essential do's and don'ts for parents when their teenager comes out as LGBTQ, offering practical advice on supportive communication, unlearning biases, and addressing mental health and substance use concerns.

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Full Show Notes

Every parent wishes to be a source of unwavering support and love for their children. However, when a teenager comes out as LGBTQ, many parents find themselves unprepared and anxious about how to respond appropriately. Initial reactions can be critical, as negative responses may have lasting repercussions on the teen's mental health and self-esteem.

Introducing Heather Hester

Our guest today is Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and the host of the podcast Just Breathe. Heather is also the author of the newly released book, Parenting with Pride: Unlearn Bias and Embrace, Empower, and Love Your LGBTQ+ Teen.

With years of experience providing guidance and education to parents and allies of LGBTQ young adults, Heather is here to help us understand how to navigate this sensitive yet profoundly important process of supporting our LGBTQ teens.

Why Initial Reactions Matter

Coming out is usually the culmination of a long and often painful period of internal conflict for teens. Heather explains that parents must recognize this journey and approach their teen's coming out with an emphatic and supportive response. Contrary to instinctive reactions like "Are you sure?", which can undermine a teen's confidence, parents should focus on affirmations such as "I love you," "Thank you for telling me," and "I've got you."

Heather shares that parents often inadvertently project their own fears and biases into the conversation, which can be damaging. Instead, she advises parents to work through their own uncertainties separately and to avoid placing these burdens on their child.

Understanding the Process and Stages of Coming Out

It's a common misconception that coming out is a single event. Heather clarifies that it’s a process composed of several stages, ranging from internal acknowledgment to public declaration and ongoing self-acceptance. By the time teens come out to their parents, they have typically already gone through significant internal struggles and are well past the initial phases of questioning and doubt.

Recognizing this can help parents offer more meaningful support and understand the continued journey that lies ahead for their teen. This perspective also highlights the importance of ongoing support, as coming out is a recurring event each time a teen enters a new environment, such as changing schools or starting a new job.

Different Identities and Orientations

Heather also emphasizes the importance of understanding the diverse range of identities within the LGBTQ spectrum. These include not just lesbian, gay, and bisexual orientations, but also gender identities like transgender and non-binary, as well as terms like intersex and asexual. She encourages parents to ask open-ended questions like, "What does that mean to you?" to foster a supportive and educational conversation.

Addressing Mental Health and Substance Use

Statistics show that LGBTQ teens are at a higher risk for mental health issues and substance use due to societal pressures, bullying, and a lack of affirmation. Heather explains the importance of proactive dialogue about these issues and remaining vigilant for changes in behavior. It's essential for parents to provide a safe and accepting home environment while also being prepared to seek professional help if needed.

Emphasizing Present Acceptance

One of the most impactful ways parents can support their LGBTQ teen is by expressing unconditional love and acceptance for who they are right now. Often, in an attempt to be encouraging, parents may focus on their child's future potential, inadvertently sending the message that who they are currently is not enough. Heather advises celebrating the teen's current strengths and acknowledging their journey to date.

Episode Highlights

- The critical impact of initial reactions when a teen comes out
- The process and stages of coming out for LGBTQ teens
- Distinguishing between sexual orientation and gender identity
- Addressing mental health and substance use concerns in LGBTQ teens
- How to express unconditional love and acceptance for your teen

In the Episode….

Heather's insights are invaluable for any parent navigating the complexities of their teen coming out. On top of the topics covered above, we also discuss:

- Strategies for unlearning personal biases
- The role of professional support in addressing mental health
- How to create an affirming home environment
- The importance of critical thinking in processing societal messages

You can find more from Heather Hester on her website, chrysalismama.com, or listen to her podcast, Just Breathe. Don’t forget to share and subscribe to the podcast for more insightful conversations on parenting teens.

Ep 289: The Art of Detecting Teen B.S. May 12, 2024

John Petrocelli, author of The Life Changing Science of Detecting Bullshit, explains how parents can identify when their teens are bullshitting and how to raise teens who critically evaluate the information they encounter.

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Full Show Notes

As teenagers grow and seek more independence, they can sometimes wield sophisticated tactics to avoid responsibility or twist the truth to their advantage. This behavior, often dubbed “bullshitting,” can make the challenging task of parenting even more complex. But how can parents distinguish between harmless exaggerations, outright lies, and simple bullshit?

In today’s fast-paced and information-saturated world, parents must not only navigate their teen's emerging independence but also teach them to identify and resist bullshit from other sources. Teens today are bombarded with information from social media, peers, and other influences, making it crucial for them to develop robust critical thinking skills. But how can we ensure that they are equipped to navigate this complex landscape effectively?

Enter John Petrocelli, author of The Life Changing Science of Detecting Bullshit. John is not just a researcher but an expert who has delved deeply into the concept of bullshit, differentiating it from lying and studying its impacts on individuals and society. With over a decade of empirical research under his belt, John’s work provides invaluable insights into how parents can better detect bullshit and teach their teens to be critical thinkers.

Understanding Bullshit

John introduces us to the nuances that differentiate bullshitting from lying. While both bullshitting and lying involve deception, the bullshitter often doesn't care about the truth—they aim to sound knowledgeable or impressive irrespective of the facts. This indifference towards the truth can have severe implications, influencing our beliefs, memories, and critical decisions.

John shares fascinating findings from his research, including how people are more prone to bullshit when they believe their audience lacks expertise or won’t scrutinize their claims. This is where parents can start: by fostering an environment where claims are questioned and critical thinking is actively encouraged.

Why Bullshit Matters

Many parents might underestimate the significance of their teen’s bullshit, thinking it’s benign or non-malicious. However, John highlights how unchecked bullshit can cloud judgment, lead to poor decision-making, and have lasting negative impacts. It’s essential for parents to stay vigilant and model skepticism, not to erode trust, but to nurture an atmosphere where truth and logical evaluation are paramount.

Teaching Critical Thinking

In the episode, John shares actionable tips for parents to encourage their teens to become critical thinkers:

Ask Questions: Encourage teens to think through claims by asking them, “Is that true?” or “Why might that be incorrect?”
Model Skepticism: Show by example how to question information and sources without being cynical.
Create a Safe Space: Allow your teen to discuss their ideas and beliefs openly, ensuring they understand it’s okay to be wrong as long as they’re committed to finding the truth.

John also emphasizes the importance of teaching teens to recognize their own susceptibilities to bullshit, which can come from a desire to fit in, sound knowledgeable, or alleviate awkwardness. By making critical thinking a fun and engaging activity, parents can help teens sharpen their bullshit detection skills without feeling attacked or dismissed.

Tackling External Bullshit

Teens today are also vulnerable to external bullshit from influencers, social media, and even certain educational resources. John encourages parents to:

Discuss Case Studies: Go through dubious claims seen on social media together and break down why they might be misleading or false.
Encourage Fact-Checking: Teach teens how to verify facts, check sources, and look for credible evidence before accepting claims as true.

Daily Practice

To make critical thinking an integral part of daily life, John suggests engaging in exercises that involve scrutinizing everyday statements and testing claims. This can start with simple issues—like evaluating advertising claims—and build up to more complex discussions, such as analyzing political statements or media reports.

In the Episode…

John and I explore a host of additional topics, including:

Why experts aren’t always right
How to constructively challenge bullshit without causing conflict
The relationship between confidence and bullshit susceptibility
The role of personality traits in bullshitting tendencies

By the end of this episode, you'll have gained valuable insights into fostering a bullshit-free environment and empowering your teenager with the critical thinking skills needed to navigate today’s world effectively. Don’t forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert parenting insights!

Tune in to this enlightening discussion and share it with fellow parents to help them navigate the tricky waters of teenage bullshit and critical thinking.

Ep 288: The Balance of Power in Parent-Teen Relationships May 05, 2024

Tiziana Casciaro, author of Power For All, joins us to explore the intricate power dynamics between parents and their teenage children, shedding light on effective strategies for sharing power, preventing power abuse, and empowering teens to make constructive choices in their lives and communities.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers presents a unique challenge in the realm of power dynamics. As children enter their teenage years, the once clear-cut power balance between parent and child begins to shift. Teens seek more independence, making decisions that parents may not always agree with, and sometimes even rebelling against parental authority. This shift can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and power struggles within the family.

This week on Talking to Teens, we dive deep into the world of power dynamics between parents and teenagers with Tiziana Casciaro, a professor of organizational behavior at the University of Toronto and co-author of the insightful book *Power For All*. Her extensive research and work provide a profound understanding of how power functions and can be used positively within relationships, making her the perfect guide for parents navigating these turbulent waters.

The Essence of Power in Parent-Teen Relationships

Tiziana breaks down power as simply the ability to influence others' behavior and explains how this concept applies universally—from the teen wishing to gain more freedom to the parent hoping to guide their child towards certain behaviors. Power dynamics within the family evolve as teens grow, seeking validation and influence beyond their parents, which can dilute the parents' direct influence over them.

Empowering Versus Controlling

One key to maintaining a healthy relationship with your teenager is understanding the difference between exercising power over them and empowering them to make their own decisions. Tiziana discusses how sharing power and responsibility with teens can lead to mutual respect and better decision-making. By recognizing and validating their growing need for independence and control over their own lives, parents can foster a relationship based on trust and shared goals rather than on authority and rebellion.

The Impact of Power on Relationships and Identity

Tiziana illuminates how power can change people, often leading to overconfidence or inattentiveness to others' needs and desires. This phenomenon applies to both parents and teens as they navigate their changing relationship. Parents must balance their authoritative role with their child's growing need for autonomy, while teens must manage their newfound power without completely rejecting parental guidance.

Educating Teens on the Use and Abuse of Power

An essential part of parenting is teaching teens about the implications of power in wider societal contexts, including the importance of democracy, collective action, and moral responsibility. Encouraging teens to critically evaluate the leaders and influencers they choose to follow can empower them to contribute positively to society.

Strategies for Positive Power Dynamics

The episode concludes with practical advice for parents on fostering positive and productive power dynamics within their family. By understanding what their teens value and strive for, parents can position themselves as allies in their teenagers' pursuit of happiness, security, and self-esteem.

Additional Topics Covered:

- Identifying and supplying what teenagers value as a strategy for shared power.
- The role of democracy and collective action in teaching teens about power.
- The dangers of unchecked power and the importance of accountability.
- Encouraging teens to voice their opinions constructively, even in disagreement.
- Real-life examples of power dynamics reshaping family relationships for the better.

Listening to this episode will provide parents, educators, and anyone involved in a teenager's life with a deeper understanding of how to navigate and negotiate power dynamics for healthier relationships and positive development. Don't miss this insightful discussion on empowering our teens and ourselves.

Listen to the episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on parenting teenagers.

Ep 287: The Science of Raising a Genius Apr 28, 2024

Craig Wright, author of The Hidden Habits of Genius, explores the patterns and habits behind history's greatest minds, discussing curiosity, risk-taking, and why genius doesn't always equate to happiness.

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Full Show Notes

Raising a teenager comes with its unique set of challenges, and one of the most daunting tasks for any parent, teacher, or guardian is nurturing the inherent potential within each young adult. Whether it's about encouraging academic excellence, supporting extracurricular passions, or simply guiding them through the trials of adolescence, the aim is often the same—to help them excel and perhaps, uncover a touch of genius along the way.

But what really makes a genius? Is it an IQ score that soars off the charts, an unyielding talent in arts, or perhaps something deeper, something nestled within the folds of daily habits and choices? This week on Talking to Teens, we are thrilled to welcome Craig Wright, a Professor Emeritus from Yale and the esteemed author of The Hidden Habits of Genius: Beyond Talent, IQ, and Grit. Unlocking the Secrets of Greatness. With years of experience and research backed by travels across the globe to study history's most remarkable minds, Craig brings a new perspective on what truly cultivates greatness.

Craig offers a fascinating breakdown of what defines genius, rebuking the traditional confinements of IQ scores and talents as sole indicators of a masterful mind. Instead, he introduces us to the equation G = S * D (Genius = Significance * Duration), opening a dialogue on how significance and duration play into the legacies of known geniuses and how these metrics can apply to our understanding of achievement and brilliance.

Curiosity Over Scores

Craig emphasizes the paramount importance of curiosity and broad interests as foundational elements of genius. The quest for knowledge and the eagerness to engage deeply with various topics can often outweigh the benefits of scoring perfectly on standard tests or focusing solely on specialized subjects. He argues that the SATs and academic grades, while important, should not be the be-all and end-all of a teenager's development.

Embrace Risk and Learn from Failure

The discussion delves into the idea that true geniuses are not only risk-takers but also individuals who see failure as a springboard for further exploration and discovery. Craig shares insights on how geniuses, despite their unparalleled contributions to humanity, often lead tumultuous personal lives, suggesting a degree of self-centrality required to push the boundaries of convention. Yet, it's this very ability to confront the unknown and recover from setbacks that fuel innovation and exceptional achievement.

Cultivating Genius at Home

For parents, the goal isn't to mould their children into the next Einstein or Da Vinci forcibly but to encourage an environment where learning, curiosity, and resilience are valued above all. Craig provides practical advice for fostering a safe space for intellectual exploration, emphasizing the importance of allowing teens the freedom to pursue their interests widely.

Nurturing Tomorrow's Innovators

In a world where specialization and immediate gratification often overshadow the virtues of patience and exploration, Craig's insights are a refreshing reminder of the values that truly nurture greatness. He advocates for a broader educational experience—encouraging teens to immerse themselves in liberal arts and humanities to develop empathy, critical thinking, and a broader understanding of the world.

In this Episode...

Join us as we discuss more hidden habits of genius, touching upon:

The importance of moving and exposure to cultural epicenters
The distinction between prodigies and geniuses
Strategies for improving concentration and productivity
The role of constraints in fostering creativity

Don't miss this enlightening conversation with Craig Wright and discover how you can support the teens in your life in unlocking their potential for greatness. Who knows? The journey might just reveal a budding genius ready to change the world.

Listen to the episode now, and don't forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights and strategies on navigating the complexities of teen parenting.

Ep 286: Embracing Self-Compassion in Parenting Apr 21, 2024

Kristin Neff, author of "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself," sheds light on the pivotal shift from cultivating self-esteem to fostering self-compassion in our children, especially through the tumultuous teenage years.

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Full Show Notes

Parenting teenagers is an odyssey filled with highs and lows, during which we often focus on bolstering our kids' self-esteem and ensuring they excel. Yet, emerging research pivots our attention towards the essence of self-compassion, a force equally potent yet profoundly different.

We're joined by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the realm of self-compassion. As the author of "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" and a mother to an autistic teenager, Kristin introduces us to self-compassion not just as a concept, but as a transformative practice. Through her own journey and extensive research, she's unearthed how self-compassion can be a beacon of hope and resilience for parents and teens alike.

The Self-Esteem Trap

Often, our parenting journey is underscored by a drive to boost our kids' self-esteem. However, an overemphasis on self-esteem can entangle our teens in a web where their worth is contingent on accomplishments, appearance, and external validation. Kristin sets the stage for a conversation on why shifting our focus from self-esteem to self-compassion can lead to healthier, more fulfilling adolescent years.

How do we cultivate an environment of self-compassion in the midst of teenage turmoil? Kristin delves into the practical applications of self-compassion, from understanding its components—mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness—to embracing exercises and strategies that foster an inner sense of unconditional worth.

The Ripple Effects of Self-Compassion

Drawing from her personal experience with her son, Kristin illustrates the profound impact self-compassion has on parenting. She discusses how embracing our own imperfections as parents and fostering an attitude of kindness and understanding towards ourselves can profoundly influence our children's sense of self-worth, resilience, and overall well-being.

In a world where teens grapple with identity, societal pressures, and the quest for belonging, self-compassion emerges as a compass guiding them towards authenticity. Kristin explores how self-compassion empowers teenagers to navigate these challenges with grace, encourages genuine self-exploration, and cultivates a robust, unwavering sense of self-worth that isn’t tethered to accomplishments or external approval.

In This Episode...

Understanding the distinction between self-esteem and self-compassion.
Strategies for integrating self-compassion into daily life and parenting.
The transformative power of self-compassion on teenagers’ mental health and self-worth.
Practical exercises to foster a self-compassionate mindset in both parents and teens.

Join us as we unravel the potential of self-compassion to revolutionize how we parent and empower our teens to lead lives marked by kindness, resilience, and unconditional self-acceptance.

Listen to this episode, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into navigating the complexities of raising teenagers with empathy, understanding, and compassion.

Ep 285: Breaking the Cycle of Teen Drama Apr 07, 2024

Louis Weinstock, author of "How the World is Making Our Children Mad and What to do About It," explores toxic communication patterns, the impact of societal pressures on teen mental health, and strategies for fostering emotional empowerment and resilience.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Today's teenagers are navigating an increasingly complex world. With the rise of social media, economic pressures, and an overabundance of information, it's no wonder that parents are seeing an uptick in mental health issues among their teens. From anxiety and depression to learned helplessness, the challenges are myriad, but understanding their root causes is the key to effective parenting in modern times.

Joining us on this episode is Louis Weinstock, a therapist, co-founder of the charity *A Part of Me*, and author of "How the World is Making Our Children Mad and What to do About It." Louis uses his extensive experience working with troubled kids and teens to discuss the deeper issues affecting our children's mental health and how parents can navigate these challenges to foster resilience, emotional empowerment, and healthier communication.

Understanding the Impact of Modern Society on Teens

Louis kicks off our conversation by delving into how society's ever-increasing demands and pressures have contributed to a rise in mental health issues among teenagers. He explains the importance of looking beyond labels and diagnoses to understand the root causes of our children's struggles. The first step toward change, Louis suggests, is for adults to do the inner work required to support our children through these tumultuous times.

The Power of Emotional Empowerment

One of the key themes in our talk with Louis is the concept of emotional empowerment versus resilience. He challenges the traditional notion that teens should simply "power through" adversity, advocating instead for a balance between acknowledging one's emotions and finding constructive ways to manage them. Louis offers insights into how parents can encourage their teenagers to be emotionally empowered, rather than resigned to their circumstances or overly reliant on parental rescue.

Redefining Success and Navigating Social Media

We also explore the crucial topics of success, social media, and the disconnection from our bodies. Louis presents an alternative view of success that goes beyond competition and material gains, emphasizing the importance of instilling values like kindness and compassion in our children. Additionally, he shares strategies for helping teenagers navigate the complex world of social media and reestablish a healthy connection with their bodies.

Practical Exercises and Insights

Throughout the episode, Louis shares a variety of practical exercises and strategies for parents and their teens. From defining family values to engaging in meaningful conversations about uncomfortable topics, these tools aim to challenge toxic patterns, encourage critical thinking, and promote a healthier, more balanced lifestyle.

In the Episode...

Exploring the Drama Triangle and its impact on family dynamics
Strategies for breaking the cycle of learned helplessness
The importance of unconditional love and slowing down in parenting
Practical exercises for fostering emotional empowerment and resilience in teens
Recommendations for navigating social media and redefining success

Join us for an enlightening discussion full of actionable advice on how to support your teenager through the challenges of modern society. Don't forget to share and subscribe to "Talking to Teens" for more insightful episodes on the art and science of parenting teenagers.

Ep 284: Understanding Your Tween: The Journey of Growth Mar 24, 2024

Tanith Carey, author of What's My Tween Thinking?, returns to discuss the distinct challenges and opportunities of parenting tweens, focusing on identity development, handling changing family dynamics, navigating peer influence, and fostering emotional awareness and introspection in 8 to 12-year-olds.

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Full Show Notes

As parents, witnessing our child morph from a carefree kid into a tween can sometimes feel like navigating uncharted waters. The tween years, traditionally seen as a quiet phase before the storm of the teenage years, are now understood to be a crucial period of identity development and emotional growth. It's a time when children start to question their place in the world, develop deeper peer relationships, and often begin to seek independence from their families.

This week on Talking to Teens, we’re joined by Tanith Carey, a renowned author and educator known for her insightful books on parenting, including the highly-praised What's My Tween Thinking?. Tanith offers her expertise to unravel the complex emotional landscape of tweens and provides practical advice for guiding them through this pivotal stage.

Identity Exploration and Peer Influence

The tween years are marked by a significant exploration of identity. Tanith explains that as children move through this phase, they start to compare themselves to their peers, which can lead to new insecurities and doubts. The establishment of more defined friendship groups also introduces tweens to the complexities of social hierarchies and conflicts. Tanith stresses the importance of preparing tweens for these experiences by discussing the broader picture, helping them understand the nature of social dynamics and encouraging self-reflection and emotional awareness.

Navigating Family Dynamics and Independence

As tweens seek more independence, family dynamics can shift dramatically. Tanith shares how parents can manage these changes, from the tween's desire for private space to their evolving way of relating to family members. She emphasizes respect for the tween's growing need for autonomy while maintaining open lines of communication and connection.

Tackling Tough Topics and Social Media Influence

Tanith and Andy dive into some of the more challenging aspects of parenting tweens, including handling exposure to negative societal messages and navigating the digital landscape. Tanith offers advice on discussing sensitive topics like appearance, peer pressure, and the impact of social media, highlighting the importance of encouraging tweens to critically evaluate the messages they receive and to develop a strong sense of self-awareness.

Encouraging Emotional Awareness and Introspection

One of the key themes throughout the episode is the importance of fostering emotional awareness and introspection in tweens. Tanith shares strategies for helping tweens tune into their feelings and bodily sensations as a way of understanding their emotions, making healthier choices, and developing resilience. This focus on introspection is particularly vital in an age dominated by digital distractions and societal pressures.

In the Episode…

Apart from the topics mentioned above, Tanith and Andy also discuss:
- The implications of early puberty and the impact on tweens' self-image.
- Strategies for encouraging open discussions about difficult topics, including misogyny and consent.
- The importance of modeling healthy emotional regulation and empathy.
- Ways to support tweens in finding their "spark" or passion.
- Techniques for balancing screen time with real-world activities and social interactions.

Tanith Carey's work provides invaluable insights into the tween mind, offering practical tips and compassionate guidance for parents navigating these formative years. Her evidence-based approach emphasizes the importance of understanding, communication, and emotional intelligence in fostering healthy development and strong parent-tween relationships.

Don’t miss this enlightening conversation on what it means to parent a tween in today's world. Tune in to learn more about how you can support your tween’s journey of self-discovery and emotional growth. Subscribe to the Talking to Teens podcast for more expert advice on the art and science of parenting teenagers.

Ep 283: Soothe Anxiety with...Food? Mar 17, 2024

Dr. Uma Naidoo, author of "This Is Your Brain on Food" and "Calm Your Brain with Food," discusses how dietary choices can significantly impact anxiety levels and overall mental wellness, highlighting the critical connections between gut health, inflammation, and the brain.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers is no easy feat, especially when dealing with the complexities of their mental health. In today's fast-paced and stress-filled world, an increasing number of teens are facing anxiety. While therapy and coping strategies are essential tools, there's an often overlooked component that could be contributing significantly to your teenager's anxiety: their diet.

Our guest today is Dr. Uma Naidoo, a renowned psychiatrist, nutrition specialist, and author. Dr. Naidoo has made groundbreaking strides in the field of nutritional psychiatry, showcasing the profound effect food has on our mental state, specifically anxiety. Through her work, she uncovers the intricate connections between what we eat, the health of our gut, and how our brain functions.

Understanding the Gut-Brain Connection

Dr. Naidoo takes us through the fascinating gut-brain axis, explaining how these two seemingly disconnected body parts communicate through neurotransmitters and hormones. Foods with high glycemic loads, artificial sweeteners, and certain fats can cause inflammation not only in our bodies but also in our brains, exacerbating anxiety and other mental health issues.

Nourishment for Mental Health

Transitioning to healthier eating habits can seem daunting, but Dr. Naidoo provides practical advice and easy-to-follow steps for gradually making these changes. Focusing on whole, unprocessed foods rich in fiber, omega-3 fatty acids, and magnesium can have a positive impact on mental well-being. She also warns against the overconsumption of caffeine and the importance of avoiding foods that can interfere with medications prescribed for mental health conditions like ADHD.

Nutritional Psychiatry at Home

For parents, implementing Dr. Naidoo's advice means taking a more active role in food choices at home. She offers suggestions for incorporating more nutrient-dense foods into family meals and explains how simple swaps can lead to significant improvements in a teenager's mood and anxiety levels.

In this episode, we also cover additional topics, including:

- The effects of sugar and processed foods on mental health
- Simple dietary adjustments to combat stress and anxiety
- How certain foods can impact sleep quality
- The relationship between diet and cognitive functions

Dr. Naidoo's unique perspective on nutritional psychiatry provides a fresh outlook on managing anxiety through diet. It's a reminder that sometimes, the best medicine comes not from a prescription bottle, but from our own kitchens.

If you're intrigued by the powerful connection between what we eat and how we feel, make sure to subscribe to Talking to Teens and look into Dr. Naidoo's work for more insights into harnessing the power of food to foster better mental health in your family.

Listen to this enlightening conversation and start making those small, yet impactful changes in your and your teenager's diet today.

Ep 282: The Opportunity Gap - How Schools Perpetuate Inequity Mar 10, 2024

Tiffany Jewell, author of Everything I Learned About Racism I Learned in School, joins us to expose the myriad ways racism is embedded in the education system. We discuss the opportunity gap, biased disciplinary practices, problematic tracking, predatory military recruitment, and more - and what teens and parents can do about it.

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Full Show Notes

Today's teens are facing unprecedented challenges - from pandemic recovery to economic uncertainty to navigating an increasingly complex digital world. But one of the most pervasive and overlooked issues affecting young people is the systemic racism baked into the very institutions meant to uplift and empower them - our schools.

Students of color are more than twice as likely to be suspended or expelled. They're underrepresented in advanced classes and overrepresented in special education programs. Their schools are more heavily policed and their lockers more frequently searched. The curriculum largely sidelines their histories and the works of authors who look like them.

How can we as parents, educators and advocates ensure that the school system is providing an equitable education and environment for all students? To unpack this crucial question, we're joined by Tiffany Jewell, anti-bias anti-racist educator and author of the new book Everything I Learned About Racism I Learned in School.

In our conversation, Tiffany sheds light on the often subtle ways racism manifests in schools, and provides actionable guidance for teens and parents to question the status quo and advocate for change.

The Opportunity Gap

Rather than an "achievement gap," Tiffany argues what we're really seeing is an opportunity gap. Schools serving predominantly students of color are chronically under-resourced, understaffed, and overcrowded. Low expectations and biased perceptions from teachers limit students' potential. The result is a self-perpetuating cycle of inequity.

Tiffany explains how parents can reframe the conversation around student success and advocate for more equitable allocation of resources and opportunities. She also shares tips for empowering teens to recognize and call out unfairness when they see it.

Discriminatory Discipline

Black students are four times more likely to face suspension than their White peers, often for minor infractions like "disrespect" or "defiance" that go unpunished for other students. Meanwhile, schools with majority students of color are far more likely to employ invasive tactics like suspicionless searches.

Tiffany unpacks the biases and power dynamics driving these disparities, and offers strategies for parents to protect their teens' rights and dignity in disciplinary situations. She also discusses the importance of restorative justice models that address root causes of behavior rather than criminalizing students.

Predatory Recruitment

Military recruiters aggressively target low-income schools and students of color, capitalizing on the lack of opportunity in these communities. Federal law requires "failing" schools to turn over student contact info to recruiters, who use coercive tactics to enlist teens with few other options.

Tiffany shares eye-opening data on the military recruitment machine and its exploitation of the opportunity gap. She advises parents on how to opt out of recruiter contact lists and encourages teens to critically examine the risks and realities of military service.

Curriculum & Representation

From history to literature to STEM fields, the standard curriculum is overwhelmingly White and male. Students of color rarely see themselves reflected, and are implicitly told their stories and contributions are less important.

Tiffany calls on parents and students to demand more representative, culturally-responsive content in every subject. She shares tips for supplementing classroom learning with diverse perspectives at home. Even small acts, like recommending a great book by an author of color to a teacher, can make a difference.

Throughout our discussion, Tiffany emphasizes the power of an individual to question the status quo and gradually shift the system. As she puts it: "School could be a place that is so joyful and empowering...I know we can do better. Let's keep [our children's] amazingness and encourage them to continue being amazing."

From practical advocacy strategies to empowering pep talks, this episode is full of wisdom and inspiration for anyone who believes in building a more just and equitable future for all students. Additional topics include:

The myth of the "good" school and how it upholds segregation
Recognizing and rejecting tone-policing and respectability politics
Modeling allyship and using privilege to uplift others
Rebuilding a school system that honors all students' brilliance

For more from Tiffany, visit her website tiffanymjewell.com or follow her on Instagram @tiffanymjewell. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week!

Ep 281: Empowering Teen Girls Mar 03, 2024

Chelsey Goodan, author of Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls, shares invaluable insights into empowering teenage girls through listening, validating their emotions, and encouraging a broader sense of self beyond societal expectations, while also addressing body image, feminism, and the struggles teens face today.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenage girls often feels like navigating a minefield of societal pressures, emotional upheaval, and misunderstood conversations. Parents strive to empower their daughters but find themselves grappling with how to breach topics on body image, confidence, feminism, and independence without exacerbating the situation. Today, more than ever, teenage girls are facing unprecedented challenges, from the pressures of social media to confronting traditional gender roles, leaving parents questioning how they can support their daughters through these tumultuous years.

Our esteemed guest, Chelsey Goodan, brings a wealth of experience and insights to this conversation. With 17 years under her belt as an academic tutor and mentor for teenage girls, Chelsey has also lent her expertise as the mentorship director of the non-profit DemocraShe and the founder of the Activist Cartel. Her book, *Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls*, unveils the untapped potential and profound insights of teenage girls, urging us to listen more and to foster meaningful conversations that validate and empower.

The Power of Validation and Listening

Chelsey emphasizes the importance of allowing teenage girls to express their feelings without hurriedly offering solutions or dismissing their emotions. By simply validating their experiences and emotions, we can help them process their feelings healthily, building a foundation of trust and open communication. Chelsey provides practical insights into "holding space" for these conversations, demonstrating how we can encourage girls to find their solutions and gain confidence in their decision-making abilities.

Breaking Cycles and Expanding Identity

Through Chelsey’s stories and examples, we learn how to break the cycles of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and negative self-talk. Chelsey discusses expanding a girl’s sense of identity beyond academic achievements or singular interests, urging a multifaceted self-view that fosters resilience and inner strength. Encouraging exploration and supporting their passions can lead to a more balanced and fulfilled sense of self.

Tackling Tough Topics with Radical Honesty

From discussing feminism to confronting the unrealistic beauty standards perpetuated by the media, Chelsey outlines strategies for having radical, honest conversations about the issues that matter most to teenage girls today. She offers advice on how parents can engage in these discussions, not by dictating but by opening up dialogues that respect and value the girl's perspectives and unique voices.

Cultivating a Culture of Compliments

Chelsey highlights the intricacies of giving meaningful compliments that resonate with teenage girls, illustrating how specificity and authenticity in praise can make them feel seen, heard, and genuinely valued. This approach not only bolsters their self-esteem but also encourages a closer, more understanding relationship between parent and child.

In the Episode:

- How simple acts of listening and validating can transform your relationship with your teenage daughter.
- Strategies to break the cycle of people-pleasing and perfectionism.
- Approaching difficult conversations around body image, feminism, and identity with openness and curiosity.
- The potent effects of detailed and heartfelt compliments.
- Plus, Chelsey takes us through how to engage teenage girls in conversations about their interests, even if it’s about figures like Kim Kardashian, to explore deeper topics such as media influence and self-expression.

Chelsey's insights serve as a beacon for parents navigating the complexities of raising teenage girls in today's world. Her emphasis on conversation, validation, and empowering girls to find their voice demonstrates the transformative power of understanding and support.

Be sure to grab a copy of Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls for more of Chelsey’s invaluable advice. And remember, fostering an environment where teenage girls feel empowered, valued, and understood can make all the difference in their journey to adulthood.

Listen to the episode for a deep dive into empowering teenage girls and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on connecting with the teenagers in your life.

Ep 280: The Surprising Power of Hanging Out Feb 25, 2024

Sheila Liming, author of Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time, explores the underestimated value of unstructured social time for teens, discussing why it's essential for developing negotiation skills, setting boundaries, and fostering creativity.

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Full Show Notes:

In today's fast-paced world, parents often worry about their teenagers' productivity and safety. The idea of teens "just hanging out" can induce anxiety, conjuring images of wasted time or potential mischief. Yet, these unstructured moments play a critical role in adolescents' development, offering unique opportunities for learning and growth unattainable in more structured settings.

Our guest, Sheila Liming, brings a fresh perspective on the art of hanging out. An accomplished teacher, essayist, and author, Sheila has extensively explored the complex dynamics of social interactions and their impact on individual development. Her book, Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time, challenges prevailing notions of productivity, suggesting that these seemingly idle moments are foundational to shaping character and interpersonal skills.

The Value of Unstructured Time

Sheila argues that hanging out offers teens essential lessons in negotiation, boundary setting, and improvisation. Away from adult supervision and structured activities, teens learn to navigate social dynamics, make collective decisions, and, crucially, understand their own limits. This episode delves into why fostering these skills is crucial for their transition into adulthood.

Overcoming the Stigma of Idle Time

The common view of idle time as inherently unproductive overlooks its potential to strengthen relationships and community bonds. Sheila and host Andy Earle discuss how parents can reframe their understanding of what it means for teens to spend time together without a set agenda. They touch on the historical context of hanging out and how digital interactions compare with face-to-face gatherings.

Embracing Risk and Flexibility

One of Sheila's key messages is the importance of embracing risk and being open to the unpredictable nature of social interactions. For teens, navigating this uncertainty is vital for emotional development. The conversation covers practical ways for parents to encourage their teens to engage in healthy social experimentation while maintaining safety and trust.

Making Time for Connection

In our busy lives, making room for genuine connections can be challenging. Sheila shares insights into why dedicating time to hang out—both for teens and adults—is more crucial than ever. She offers tips on how parents can model healthy social behavior and create opportunities for meaningful family interactions.

Episode Highlights

The misunderstood benefits of unstructured teen hangouts
How hanging out fosters critical life skills
Balancing safety with the necessity of risk-taking in social settings
Strategies for parents to encourage healthy teen socialization
The evolving landscape of hanging out in the digital age

Amid a culture obsessed with productivity and screen time, encouraging teens to engage in the simple act of hanging out might seem counterintuitive. Yet, as Sheila Liming articulates, these moments are irreplaceable workshops for life's most valuable lessons. Tune in to learn how to support your teen in making the most of their social opportunities.

Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation—subscribe to Talking to Teens to stay updated on insightful discussions aimed at making the journey of parenting teens a bit smoother.

Ep 279: "What Were You Thinking?" - Inside the Teenage Brain Feb 18, 2024

John Coleman, author of The Psychology of the Teenage Brain, joins us to explain why the biology of the adolescent brain leads to risk taking and emotional ups and downs, and how parents can provide support during this temporary period of development.

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Full Show Notes

The teenage years can feel like an emotional rollercoaster for parents and kids alike. Why does your once sweet child suddenly start acting out and making baffling decisions? What drives them to take risks, rebel against authority figures, and make choices that seem completely irrational?

In this week’s episode of Talking to Teens, we’re getting to the root of teenage psychology and behavior with an expert guide. We’re joined by Dr. John Coleman, a clinical psychologist who has spent decades researching adolescent development. He’s the founder of a research center focused on teens and their families, and is the author of the book The Psychology of the Teenage Brain.

John explains that the ups and downs of the adolescent years can be explained by major changes happening in the biology of the teenage brain. As Dr. Coleman tells us, the teenage brain actually undergoes its biggest developmental shift since infancy, which shapes teen behavior in profound ways parents often don’t realize.

The Teenage Brain: Pruning, Hormones and Development

As John explains, there are two major biological processes unfolding in the adolescent brain: pruning and hormonal changes.

First, he describes the proliferation of gray matter that happens in late childhood. Gray matter contains neuron cells, creating lots of connections in the brain. But in the teen years, the brain eliminates unused neural connections through a process called pruning. This effectively “shrinks” the brain, reorganizing it to become more efficient. However, this leads teens to feel uncertain and confused.

At the same time, John explains that hormone levels are fluctuating more intensely during adolescence than any other life stage. The hormones affecting mood, stress responses, impulsiveness and more vary greatly throughout the day, leaving teens emotionally unstable. This is why an event can make them despair one moment and elated the next.

Understanding the changes happening biologically helps parents empathize with teens during this rocky transition, says John. Even though the period is temporary, it shapes how teens think, process information and regulate emotions in the moment.

Why Teens Act Without Thinking

In our interview, John provides a scientific explanation for why teenagers engage in baffling, risky behavior without considering consequences. As he explains, the brain networks connecting the emotional centers to the prefrontal cortex (the area controlling planning and decision making) are still immature in adolescents. So when intense impulses arise, the thinking part of teens’ brains can’t overcome these urges, leading them to act out without foresight about the outcomes.

Helping Teens Develop Healthy Brains

The good news is there are things we can do to help teens through this period, says John. Having routines, boundaries and open conversations about emotions helps them regulate their moods and behavior. We discuss how parents can model healthy emotional responses for kids, so they can build skills managing feelings that will serve them in adulthood.

John also emphasizes that despite teens’ outward rejection of parents, they still heavily rely on parental support during this challenging developmental window. So staying patiently engaged as a caring guide remains important, even when kids are pulling away to assert their independence.

Ep 278: The New Faces of Teen Addiction Feb 11, 2024

David Magee, author of Things Have Changed, joins us to explain today's teen addiction crisis involving social media, potent synthetic drugs and vulnerable mental health.

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Full Show Notes

Teen substance use has drastically changed in recent years. With skyrocketing rates of anxiety, depression and addiction, today’s parents are facing new and confusing challenges when trying to help their kids. We used to assume teens mainly struggled with peer pressure around drinking or smoking cigarettes. Now, teens face a host of new pressures tied to social media, a lack of sleep, and easy access to dangerously potent substances.

To help parents understand what’s really happening and how we can better communicate with struggling teens, we spoke with David Magee, author of Things Have Changed: What Every Parent and Educator Should Know About the Student Mental Health and Substance Misuse Crisis.

After losing his son William to an accidental overdose in college, David became an advocate for better understanding teen addiction. He now speaks nationwide to students and parents, and started the William McGee Institute for Student Well Being at Ole Miss.

It’s Not The Same Substances

Today’s teens aren’t using their parent’s drugs. While past generations struggled with alcohol, cigarettes or weaker strains of marijuana, today’s kids are taking synthetic drugs, often laced with fentanyl, that are exponentially more potent and dangerous, David explains.

He describes a current epidemic of fake Adderall pills being sold to high schoolers and college students. The counterfeit pills are never actual Adderall, but instead made of unknown substances designed to be addictive. Almost all contain fentanyl, says David. Kids think they’re buying a familiar drug, but it’s actually much more treacherous.

This is just one example of how substances have changed. David explains today’s marijuana can have THC levels of 70-90%, compared to just 4-8% in the 1990s. He says schools are shocked when drug tests come back 6 or 7 times higher than just a few years ago.

Social Media Enables Secret Addiction

David explains that the majority of illegal transactions happen over social media apps and payment platforms. Kids are finding connections on Instagram and Snapchat, then paying through Venmo or CashApp to stay under the radar.

Seeing multiple Venmo payments in and out of a teen’s account every day could signal that something is amiss, says David. He explains that parents needs to understand today’s digital landscape to spot warning signs. Punishment and phone monitoring usually backfires, while asking caring questions can help kids open up.

Focus on Feelings, Not Scare Tactics

Well-meaning authority figures often take a punitive approach, trying to scare teens away from substances through condemnation. But David explains this usually has the opposite effect, making kids feel ashamed in ways that increase their desire to use.

Instead, he suggests leading with empathy, compassion and care. Getting kids the right kind of therapy or counseling is crucial, preferably with someone who specializes in teen addiction. Building teens’ emotional intelligence through ongoing communication within families is key.

Above all, David focuses on helping teens cultivate sustainable joy in their lives, not just harping on what they shouldn’t do. He explains that happy, engaged teens are less likely to self-medicate through dangerous substance use.

If you found this episode helpful, check out David’s website at davidmcgee.com for more resources. His book provides practical guidance for parents and educators struggling with today’s newly complex issues around teen mental health and addiction. Please subscribe for more content that can help strengthen family relationships during the critical teen years.

Ep 277: Understanding Our Kids' Online World Feb 04, 2024

Michael Rich, author of The Mediatrician’s Guide, joins us to explain why we must move beyond fear of “screen time” to have more nuanced conversations with teens about finding balance, meaning and ethics in their digital lives.

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Full Show Notes

Teens today have never known a world without smartphones, social media, and round-the-clock internet access. As digital devices become more and more ingrained into every aspect of their lives, it's only natural for parents to worry about the impact all this technology might have.

We often hear panicked stories about social media causing depression or video game addiction destroying kids' attention spans. It makes us want to snatch the screens out of teens' hands completely! But is going cold turkey really the best approach?

To help parents navigate the digital age, we're talking to Dr. Michael Rich, an expert on kids and media. Dr. Rich is an associate professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and the founder and director of the Clinic for Interactive Media and Internet Disorders at Boston Children’s Hospital.

He's also the author of a new book called The Mediatrician’s Guide: A Joyful Approach to Raising Healthy, Smart, Kind Kids in a Screen Saturated World. As both a pediatrician and a former filmmaker, Dr. Rich has a unique perspective on why we should move past fear-based thinking when it comes to kids and technology.

Rethinking "Screen Time"

Trying to simply limit screen time is an outdated way of thinking, says Dr. Rich. Screens are so embedded into every part of life that trying to quantify daily use is irrelevant. Instead of counting minutes spent staring at a device, Dr. Rich encourages intentionality. This means being mindful, balanced and present in how we interact with technology.

Dr. Rich coins these practices the “killer B’s.” Being mindful means understanding how device use displaces other activities, while being balanced means taking regular screen breaks. Most importantly, being present while using devices prevents us from missing out on real world connections. Trying to upgrade from texting to calling to in-person interactions is key.

Looking Below Problematic Behaviors

It’s easy to blame devices themselves for issues like addiction or bullying. However, Dr. Rich explains that problematic digital behaviors are usually symptoms of underlying issues like ADHD, anxiety, depression or autism spectrum disorders. Taking away teens’ access without addressing root causes may make problems worse.

Dr. Rich notes that teens often see their devices as tools that help them cope with or avoid difficulties in their lives. Complete removal can heighten their distress. Instead, identifying and properly treating adolescents’ mental health is key to curbing unhealthy digital habits.

Fostering Digital Wellness

Rather than seeing devices as inherently bad, Dr. Rich focuses on how we can use them for good. Social platforms and interactive games actually have huge potential for building community, creativity and emotional skills.

However, teens need guidance on using digital spaces ethically. Dr. Rich encourages parents to model intentional digital wellness and have open conversations about pitfalls like compare/despair thinking or internet rabbit holes. Promoting self-awareness and balance helps teens build healthy lifelong technology habits.

Ep 276: Your Teen's Bullsh*t Brain Jan 28, 2024

Lance Burdett, author of Dark Side of the Brain, explains why teens generate unhelpful thoughts and how we can reframe anxious thinking by getting comfortable with discomfort.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers can feel like navigating an emotional minefield blindfolded. Their moods swing rapidly from joyful to gloomy, their friendships feel fleeting, and their interests change every five minutes. Meanwhile, the pressure to get good grades, gain college acceptance and determine their entire future weighs heavily on their shoulders.

It’s no wonder teens get overwhelmed by this cocktail of hormones, peer pressure and looming adulthood. Their brains are firing on all cylinders, trying desperately to make sense of it all. Often, this neural chaos manifests as worry, anxiety, negative thought patterns and even depression.

So how can we help teens move through this rocky passage of life? How can we get them to open up about their mental struggles instead of shutting down? Most importantly, how can we empower them to reframe unhelpful thoughts and take control of their own wellbeing?

To gain some perspective, we’re speaking with Lance Burdett, a former police crisis negotiator turned adolescent mental health expert. Lance has worked extensively with teens and parents to help them understand the “Dark Side of the Brain” – the automatic negative thought patterns that often arise during times of stress.

In his book Dark Side of the Brain and on today’s episode, Lance is explaining the science behind our brain’s threat detection system that generates needless worry. He’s also revealing why it’s okay for teens to admit they’re not okay – as long as they ask for help afterward. We discuss how parents can model self-care, help teens reframe anxious thoughts and teach kids to get comfortable with discomfort.

Why Our Brains Make Sh*t Up

The human brain developed mainly to keep our ancestors alive on the African savanna over two million years ago. This means our brains are wired first and foremost for survival, not happiness, Lance explains.

When our ancestors encountered threats like predators, adverse weather or lack of resources, their brains kicked into high alert, pumping out adrenaline and cortisol to ready the body for fight or flight. Unfortunately, our modern brains can’t tell the difference between a lion attack and a mean comment on Instagram. So teens often experience an exaggerated stress response to non-life-threatening issues like peer drama or academic pressure.

This is why teens frequently catastrophize small problems, assume the worst and spiral into intense worry, Lance says. Their brains are simply acting on evolutionary impulses that once kept humans safe – but now cause needless stress. Understanding the brain’s tendency to “make shit up” can help teens reframe anxious thoughts as just their brains being overprotective.

It’s Okay to Say “I’m Not Okay”

Parents often tell struggling teens that “it’s okay not to be okay” to encourage them to open up about their troubles. But Lance warns that this mantra can be dangerous if left by itself, as it makes mental distress seem permissible. Instead, he advocates adding a second half – “it’s okay to say I’m not okay...as long as I ask for help afterward.”

The most vital step for teens is the help-asking, Lance stresses. Admitting one is not okay is only the first move. What matters next is having teens reach out to friends, family members, counselors or crisis lines to get the support they need.

Lance explains that previous generations hid mental health struggles due to stigma. But today’s teens can be more open about feeling depressed, anxious, overwhelmed or suicidal – on the condition that they let caring adults know they need support. Saying “I’m not okay” is the starting point, not the solution itself.

Running Towards Discomfort

As parents, we often try to smooth out every bump in the road for our teens to give them comfortable, happy lives. But Lance argues that facing difficulty is how teens build grit and perseverance. He uses the mantra “run toward the fire” to illustrate that teens should challenge themselves and even pursue discomfort - not despite their anxiety, but because of it.

Lance encourages parents to step back from constantly intervening on a teen’s behalf with teachers and coaches. By facing problems head-on, teens gain confidence handling difficult situations. Start small by encouraging a shy teen to order their own food at a restaurant, Lance suggests. Taking ownership of tiny challenges gives teens courage to handle bigger hardships down the road.

Discomfort also breeds self-awareness, Lance explains. Trying new things pushes teens outside their comfort zones where they can gain insight about their skills, values and preferences. Lance suggests parents promote diverse activities to acquaint teens with unfamiliar peers and experiences. Pushing boundaries expands their worldviews - which leads to personal growth.

In the Episode...

My conversation with Lance was incredibly eye-opening. On top of the topics above, we also discuss:

Why teens desperately need more sleep
How to reframe suicidal thoughts
Why goals and worry aren’t the enemy
How parents can model self-care

Check out Lance’s website at lanceburdett.com to learn more! Thanks for listening - be sure to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts!

Ep. 275: Empowering Teens to Stay Alcohol-Free Jan 21, 2024

Dustin Dunbar, author of You’re Doing Great and Other Lies Alcohol Told Me, joins us to reveal the false messaging alcohol feeds teens about itself and discusses how parents can model alcohol-free lives to intrinsically give kids the skills to resist drinking culture.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Teenage years come with intense new social pressures – the urge to fit in, make friends, and figure out who you are can feel overwhelming. In the midst of this tumultuous period, teens are confronted with the prevalence of underage drinking all around them. Their peers are doing it, cool kids on social media make it look fun and exciting, and it seems like the “normal” thing to do.

As parents, we want to protect our kids not just from the dangers of alcohol itself, but from falling for the many myths alcohol sells – that it’ll make you happier, more fun, more liked and more confident. The reality is, teens need tools and support to handle their insecurities, anxieties and difficult emotions in healthy, constructive ways.

This week, we’re talking about how we can empower teenagers to develop self-awareness and stay alcohol-free amidst intense social pressures. We’re joined by Dustin Dunbar, founder of The Alcohol-Free Revolution and author of the book “You’re Doing Great (And Other Lies Alcohol Told Me)”.

Dustin grew up surrounded by family members struggling with alcohol addiction. After overcoming his own battle with alcohol, Dustin has devoted himself to smashing the myths and lies alcohol tells young people. He’s here to reveal the tactics Big Alcohol uses to target teens, and explain why drinking culture is declining amongst Gen Z.

Why Teens Are Drinking Less

Despite the messaging bombarding them every day, today’s teenagers are actually drinking less than past generations. Dustin explains how teens are seeing through the deception inherent in alcohol advertising and social norms. More teens are prioritizing their health and wellbeing over fleeting social acceptance.

Dustin reveals the shocking cancer risks of alcohol, and why social media influencers never show the negative consequences the next day. We discuss how parents can prompt critical thinking about the way alcohol is marketed to take advantage of teenagers’ insecurities.

Emotional Tools For Handling Anxiety

Dustin explains why alcohol is so tempting for anxious teens – it suppresses nervous system functioning, numbing difficult emotions. Without alcohol, teens have to learn to sit with feelings of awkwardness, FOMO, insecurity and more.

We discuss tools parents can teach teens to handle emotions healthily, like identifying underlying feelings, de-escalating anger, setting kind boundaries, and expressing needs calmly. Dustin shares how learning these tools transformed his relationships.

Modeling Mindful Drinking

Research shows parental drinking habits have an enormous influence on teens. Dustin implores parents to seriously evaluate their own drinking and model more consciousness. Substance abuse often masks unresolved trauma – Dustin explains why getting vulnerable and giving up numbing aids can lead to self-discovery.

Becoming an Alcohol-Free Role Model

As Dustin explains, parents’ own drinking habits can normalize alcohol for impressionable teens. Showing teens an alcohol-free lifestyle demonstrates better coping strategies for stress and models healthier social skills that don’t require liquid courage. Our interview dives into the surprising interpersonal benefits Dustin has experienced since quitting drinking.

Joining the Alcohol-Free Revolution

Dustin discusses the free global community he created to support people in transitioning to alcohol-free lives. Members find camaraderie in overcoming drinking triggers, guidance in handling new emotions now out of suppression, and inspiration from others navigating the journey. Dustin explains how membership gives lobbying power to eventually ban alcohol advertising, preventing further generational indoctrination.

Ep 274: Escaping the Villain Role Jan 14, 2024

Justin Lee, author of Talking Across the Divide, joins us to explain how parents can have more productive disagreements with teens by overcoming the ego protection instinct and using storytelling to find common ground.

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Full Show Notes

Parenting a teenager often feels like an ideological battleground. Their values, interests and worldviews can seem completely foreign to our own, causing rifts in our relationship almost daily. Navigating these choppy waters requires strategy and finesse so that we don’t widen the gap even further.

This week, we’re learning how to bridge divides from someone who has made connections his life’s work. We’re joined by Justin Lee, author of the new book Talking Across the Divide: How to Communicate with People You Disagree With and Maybe Even Change the World.

Justin has spent over 20 years facilitating thoughtful dialogue between groups that typically don’t see eye to eye. As the founder of the world’s largest LGBTQ Christian advocacy organization, Justin has firsthand experience bringing together people of divergent backgrounds. Now, he’s sharing his tried and tested methods for overcoming conflicts by focusing on shared interests and storytelling.

Even when parents and teens sit on what feel like opposite sides of the ideological spectrum, we likely have more in common than we realize. By approaching rifts strategically instead of confrontationally, we can narrow divides and start effecting real change.

The Ego Protection Instinct

When tensions run high, our first instinct is often to double down on our position. After all, no one wants to look like the “bad guy” or feel embarrassed when realizing they’re wrong. This ego protection instinct kicks in, causing both parties to dig their heels in further in order to save face.

Justin explains that the key to working through this instinct is to approach the conversation calmly and strategically. Making teens defensive will only cause them to reject our perspective entirely. By listening first instead of accusing, we make space for their viewpoint while getting them to lower their guard. This thoughtful approach makes them more receptive later on when we share our own story.

Telling Our Story

When it comes time to share our side, Justin explains that facts and figures often fall flat. What really helps the other person relate to our position is hearing the story behind why this issue matters so much to us.

By explaining our personal experiences, worries, disappointments and more, the other person gains empathy and understanding as to why we ended up with these strong beliefs. Storytelling helps them step into our shoes, seeing our views as reasonable instead of attacking our character. It also allows both parties to recognize each other’s stories as valid without having to denounce the other.

Plotting a Way Forward

Without a plan for how the conversation should end, we risk leaving the other person hurt or resentful. Justin encourages parents to think critically about what they actually want to gain before diving into tense talks. Do we want to “win” by making the teen feel stupid? Or do we want to gain a better understanding between us?

By visualizing a story in which the teen’s past actions were reasonable and our new way forward makes sense, we provide a path that allows them to save face while still growing. With thoughtful compromises focused on shared interests rather than contradictory positions, we stand a better chance of inching closer together.

No matter how far apart parents and teens may feel at times, Justin proves even groups with the most divergent views can find common ground through strategic, thoughtful dialogue. By leading with empathy and storytelling, we model good communication while bridging ideological divides one conversation at a time.

Ep 273: Lowering the Drama in Big Family Choices Jan 07, 2024

Janice Fraser, author of Farther, Faster, and Far Less Drama, joins us to explain how families can have productive debates using decision-making frameworks that increase understanding between parents and teens.

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Full Show Notes

Big family decisions often come loaded with drama. Choosing a high school, making plans for college, or deciding on a family vacation can easily erupt into endless debates. Teens plead their case while parents grow frustrated - and no one feels heard. So how can families have productive talks that lead to real decisions instead of arguments?

This week we’re learning how better family decision-making can increase understanding and reduce drama at home. We’re joined by Janice Fraser, author of the new book Farther, Faster, and Far Less Drama: Make Better Decisions By Working Together.

As an executive coach and startup advisor focused on group decision-making, Janice has delivered workshops and coached teams around the world. She’s here to teach us how we can facilitate productive family meetings by reframing the way we look at big decisions.

Why Family Drama Builds

During adolescence, teens develop their own perspectives - but parents don’t always make space to hear them. Without a framework for discussion, family debates can spiral as power struggles emerge. Parents may value efficiency and feel that their experience gives them authority, while teens want to feel autonomy and self-direction.

To bridge this gap, Janice suggests focusing conversations around understanding rather than winning arguments. She explains that the real root of family drama lies in a values conflict, one that thoughtful discussion and compromise can usually resolve.

Outcomes Over Outputs

A key source of tension, Janice reveals, comes from parents and teens having different definitions of success. We often judge our kids by their outputs - their grades, achievements, sports records. But what teens really care about is meaningful outcomes that equip them for adulthood.

Janice suggests reframing family talks around the outcomes we want for our teens, like confidence, purpose and responsibility. If we make decisions based on what moves us towards those outcomes, we can avoid getting locked into one narrow path forward.

Tools To Organize Perspectives

Of course, gathering different viewpoints is easier said than done. Families need tools to structure productive debates. Janice details facilitation techniques she’s used at home, like writing discussion points on sticky notes before talking.

Organizing ideas visually allows equal participation, avoids dead-end arguments and identifies shared priorities. Janice explains how to use methods like 2x2 matrices to focus on urgent topics and depersonalize debates.

Modeling Conflict Resolution

Through thoughtful facilitation, parents can model critical thinking and conflict resolution - skills teens need to thrive as adults. Janice explains that by creating an open, understanding environment, parents show teens how to handle differences maturely in their own relationships.

Thoughtful family decision-making leads to better outcomes all around. Janice makes it clear that with the right tools, families can work together for everyone’s growth and success.

In the Episode...

My conversation with Janice was packed with insights on facilitating family harmony. We also discuss:

Why radical self-acceptance enables progress
How to balance participation and authority
Why the “right decision” mindset backfires
How to know when a debate should end

To learn more from Janice, visit janicefraser.com or find her on Instagram @janiceleefraser. As always, don’t forget to share and subscribe!

Ep 272: Helping Teens Discuss Anxiety Dec 31, 2023

Cai Graham, author of Fearless and Free, joins us to offer practical strategies for helping teens open up about their anxiety, break through communication barriers, and understand the science of their emotions, guiding them from silent struggles to active coping.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Navigating the turbulent waters of teenage anxiety can often feel like a daunting task for parents. Teenagers, caught in the storm of hormonal changes and social pressures, might close off, leaving us struggling to reach them. When they do grapple with anxiety, many teens lack the vocabulary or the comfort level to express what's happening inside them, and this silence can create a divide between them and the support they need. On the other hand, parents may feel helpless or at a loss for the right words when they notice their teen's distress. But there's hope—and it begins with understanding, communication, and the tools to change the narrative around anxiety.

Enter our guest, Cai Graham, a parenting and teen coach, speaker, podcaster, and the insightful author behind the workbook "Fearless and Free - A Step by Step Blueprint to Conquer Anxiety." Cai brings to light the nuances of teenage anxiety from both parental and adolescent perspectives, delivering frameworks and actionable tactics for starting those necessary conversations.

Understanding Anxiety's Hold on Teens

Cai dives deep into the heart of anxiety, explaining the biology behind it, and destigmatizing the experience for both teens and their parents. She dismantles the shame that can often shroud feelings of anxiety, unpacking why teens might feel a troubling sense of isolation when confronting their worries. By reframing these emotions as natural, Cai enables parents to foster an environment where teens can approach their apprehension without fear of judgment.

Communication Tools for Tough Talks

Cai introduces the 'three questions'—a game-changing tool for parents to get teens talking without overwhelming them. This exercise offers teens the space they need to measure their emotional temperature in a safe space. Through this straightforward approach, the dialogues that once seemed impossible start to flow, creating a foundation for mutual understanding and trust.

The Role of Self-Compassion in Healing

Self-compassion is key in the fight against anxiety. Cai urges both parents and teens to exercise it, arguing that it's crucial in the face of setbacks. By examining failure as feedback, not defeat, teens can learn resilience. Cai's discussion on self-compassion serves as a powerful reminder for parents to lead by example in how they handle their own imperfections, ultimately guiding their teens by showing them that being gentle with oneself is not only okay—it's necessary.

Navigating Panic and Anxiety: KNOW the Difference

Cai brilliantly differentiates between anxiety and panic, illustrating to parents why understanding the distinction matters. She presents methods to help teens address and cope with the sudden onset of panic as opposed to the simmering worries of anxiety, equipping families with the knowledge to tackle each appropriately.

Practical Strategies for Calming the Chaos

Armed with tactics like 'brain dumping' and the THINK framework, Cai teaches teens how to prioritize tasks and address the onslaught of negative internal dialogue that can exacerbate anxiety. These strategies are essential tools for empowering teens to take control of their emotional and practical worlds.

In this episode, Cai Graham guides us through:
- The power of naming emotions to conquer anxiety
- Coaching teens to manage their to-do lists and calm their minds
- Techniques for grounding and self-soothing during anxious moments
- How to model effective coping strategies to inspire anxious adolescents

To discover more about Cai Graham's work in supporting families through the journey of adolescence and anxiety, visit CaiGraham.com, or check out her book "Fearless and Free" on Amazon for a comprehensive guide to help your teen thrive.

Tune in to learn how you can help your teen transition from anxiety to assurance with the expert advice from Cai Graham. Don’t forget to listen, share, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for weekly insights on guiding teens through their most formative years.

Ep 271: Navigating the Teen Loneliness Epidemic Dec 24, 2023

Simone Heng, author of "Let's Talk About Loneliness," joins us to explain why loneliness is reaching epidemic levels among teens, how it rewires the teenage brain, and what steps we can take as parents to help our kids reset and relate.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Loneliness is reaching epidemic levels among today's teenagers. Studies show teens are lonelier than any other generation, with 10 out of 11 feelings of loneliness. As kids withdraw socially, they get caught in a negative feedback loop where loneliness leads to more loneliness.

How can we help pull teens out of this dangerous downward spiral? How can we raise kids equipped for meaningful human connections when devices and social media threaten to replace in-person relating?

This week we’re exploring the teenage loneliness crisis, why it’s happening, and what we can do about it. We’re joined by Simone Heng, author of the new book “Let’s Talk About Loneliness.”

Simone is a speaker and former broadcaster focused on human connection. She’s here to explain why loneliness can be so devastating to the developing teenage brain, how teens end up self-isolating, and what small steps we can take to foster more connectivity at home and beyond.

Why Loneliness Rewires the Teenage Brain

Loneliness isn’t just an emotional experience – it changes the actual structure and functioning of the brain, explains Simone. When we don’t get enough in-person interaction, our brains downgrade the areas meant for processing social cues and relating to others.

Simone describes how chronic stress from loneliness keeps our body in fight-or-flight mode, releasing excess adrenaline and cortisol. This is meant to motivate us to go out and connect. But instead, lonely teens withdraw even further, caught in a vicious cycle.

The overloaded stress response starts to dampen teen’s immune systems, reduce cognition, and make them more prone to disorders later on. At a time when kids need to be developing social skills, loneliness causes their abilities atrophy.

Simone and I discuss how this epidemic of disconnection is intertwined with the digital age, where teens derive a false sense of “connection” from screens and devices. She explains why online interaction will never truly satisfy our brain’s hardwired need for in-person relating.

Escaping the Downward Spiral

The solution for loneliness isn’t one-size-fits-all, explains Simone. Because each teen’s stress response system functions differently, they need personalized strategies for resetting their body to healthy baseline functioning.

Simone suggests getting teen’s cortisol levels tested to find out specifics on their stress response. She then offers individualized nutrition plans, sleep recommendations, and more tailored support. General tips include getting teens outdoors, helping them identify and connect with their values, and limiting time online.

An important step is also examining our own stress, says Simone. Kids pick up on parents’ tension, so we have to model self-care, healthy relating, and good boundaries around technology use.

Fostering Human Connection at Home

When teens isolate in their rooms, it can seem impossible to draw them out. But Simone suggests reframing device use as a privilege to be earned through family connection.

She gives examples like asking teens to put phones away during parts of family dinners or outings. We can challenge teens to go on “silent walks” without headphones, and actually engage with the people they pass. We can also prompt them to observe social dynamics when out together, almost as field research rather than always defaulting to screens.

With some creativity and commitment to disconnecting from devices, we can develop little rituals of relating that help fulfill our human need for community, says Simone. We just have to be willing to model it ourselves.

Additional topics covered:

The rise of social anxiety in youth
Why teens hold friends to impossible standards
The importance of eye contact & micro-connections
How to balance social media use
The power of humility & apology

If you enjoyed this week’s show don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. See you next week!

Ep 270: Parenting Beyond Social Media Dec 17, 2023

CJ Casciotta, author of The Forgotten Art of Being Ordinary, joins us to discuss parenting beyond social media and finding real community. We talk about how to guide teens to separate online fiction from truth, why ordinary existence is profoundly meaningful, and how to foster raw, personal connection.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

In today's social media saturated world, it can feel impossible to raise teens without the influence of the metaverse. Kids are constantly comparing themselves to unrealistic standards set by influencers and celebrities online. The temptation for teens to create a sort of fictional version of themselves for social media is huge.

So how do we parent teens beyond the vortex of social platforms? How can we model authenticity and real human connection for kids distracted by the digital realm?

To help make sense of it all, we spoke with CJ Casciotta, author of The Forgotten Art of Being Ordinary: A Human Manifesto in the Age of the Metaverse. As a media professional himself, CJ has an inside look at the social technology teens are using. But as a parent, he's concerned about the way online personas are replacing real identities.

In our conversation with CJ, we discussed moving beyond the virtual world to find meaning in ordinary human existence. We also talked about the importance of modeling authentic offline experiences for teens.

Escaping the Comparison Trap

Social platforms tempt us to create the best possible versions of ourselves to display to others. But as CJ explains, teens feel pressure to make their lives seem extraordinary in the process. They often feel inadequate when comparing their realities to the fake realities shown by influencers online.

CJ stressed that parents need to clarify the line between truth and fiction for kids. We should have open conversations about the fact that what teens see online is often more acting than real life. As parents, we can model embracing ordinary existence for teens, showing them that a normal life is beautiful too.

CJ suggests that we guide teens in using technology to create art and community that celebrates ordinary humanity. We can prompt them to appreciate the simple miracles of human connection, instead of chasing inflated social media success.

Building True Community

Real community requires showing up authentically, embracing imperfection. As CJ explains, this means resisting the urge to document and publicize every gathering. True connection happens when we put down our devices and engage sincerely with those around us.

CJ is modeling this for his own kids by recently moving to a new city to be closer to genuine friends. He realized his family felt isolated and numb despite living in a crowded urban area. Now they are remembering what real community feels like.

As parents, we can push teens to value in-person experiences over digital ones. We can also limit their technology use at times so real connection isn't constantly competing with the virtual world. Building spaces for teens to bond beyond devices needs to become an intentional priority.

In the Episode...

Diving beyond the world of screens is crucial for families today. On top of the topics above, CJ and I also discussed:

Why teaching kids to separate fact from fiction matters
How to parent the first generation of digital natives
Why poets and artists will be key leaders in the coming age
How parents can model authenticity for teens

If you want to learn more, visit CJ's Substack (bycj.substack.com) or check out his book The Forgotten Art of Being Ordinary. As always, don't forget to subscribe!

Ep 269: Are You a Consistent Parent? Dec 10, 2023

Sheri Glucoft Wong, author of Raising Kids, shares the importance of being a consistent parent, even when raising teens feels like a complicated maze. As a therapist, Sheri has a wealth of insight on how to effectively and consistently communicate with our kids.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

As parents, we all have those moments when communicating with our teen feels easy, and other times when no matter what we say, it leads to conflict. Why is that? What makes the difference between feeling effective vs ineffective?

This week we’re exploring that idea with our guest Sheri Glucoft Wong, a nationally recognized family therapist and author of Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting. Sheri introduces the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent – when you feel aligned in your head, heart, and gut about an issue, communicate it clearly to your teen, and they respond accordingly without a power struggle.

What does it mean to be “on your spot” and why does it create cooperation not conflict? How can we get “off our spot” and start grasping for leverage through threats and consequences? Sheri explains why threats often backfire and how a simple “tweak” using “when/then” language instead of “if/then” can turn things around.

The Power of Being “On Your Spot”

Being on your spot as a parent means you feel clear and aligned internally about an issue, so you can take a firm yet kind stance with your teen. Sheri shares how parents have no trouble insisting kids wear seatbelts in the car – they never threaten or bribe, they just know it’s non-negotiable. But with other issues, like manners or chore completion, they struggle because they’re not fully on their spot.

In our interview, Sheri describes how being on your spot means your head, heart, and gut all align – you intellectually know what your teen needs, you care enough to want that for them, and your instincts tell you it’s the right thing. When all three are lined up, you can stand firm calmly and prevail without resorting to power struggles.

From Threats to Incentives

When we’re off our spot as parents, we often start grasping for leverage over our teens through punishments and consequences. We take away devices or restrict privileges trying to motivate them. But Sheri explains that while limits are fine, threats rarely work and can backfire.

Instead of “if/then” threats, Sheri suggests “when/then” incentives. Rather than saying “if you don’t complete your homework, you lose phone privileges,” say “when you complete your homework, you can have phone time.” This small tweak eliminates the threatening tone and helps motivate cooperation.

Reframing Difficult Experiences

No matter how much we want to shield our teens from pain, they’ll inevitably face disappointments that are out of our control – a pandemic, social conflict, a lost game. But as Sheri explains, what truly shapes the impact isn’t what happens to teens, but rather what they make those events mean.

As parents, we have power to reframe difficult situations and influence how our teens internalize them. We can encourage resilience rather than victimhood by discussing values and modeling emotional management. By focusing on what they can control, not what happens to them, we help teens build lifelong coping skills.

Additional Topics:

Why labeling kids “bullies” or “victims” can backfire
Understanding teen emotions without over-identifying
Indulging tantrums vs. fostering independence
Teaching teens to handle disappointment

If you enjoyed this episode, check out Sheri’s book Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting for more great insights!

Ep 268: How to Convince Stubborn Teens Dec 03, 2023

Michael McQueen, author of MindStuck, dives into the science of persuading stubborn teenagers, and reveals why the tactics parents typically use to influence our kids simply don't work.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Trying to convince a stubborn teenager to see things your way can feel impossible at times. They seem completely stuck in their perspectives, unwilling to listen to reason or logic. So how do we get through when teen minds seem closed off?

According to our guest Michael McQueen, the root of the issue lies in outdated persuasion tactics. When trying to sway teens, most parents rely on giving information, evidence and rational arguments. But as Michael explains, this only taps into one small part of the brain–the rational, thinking prefrontal cortex.

The majority of our decisions and viewpoints are actually shaped by a more impulsive, instinctual part of the brain. For teens, who are still developing cognitively, this portion of the brain wields even more influence. So if we want to change a teen’s mind, we have to learn what truly motivates it.

The Teenage Brain

In his book “Mind Stuck,” Michael refers to the two processing centers of the brain as the “inquiring mind” and the “instinctive mind.” The inquiring mind takes in information and analyzes it logically before coming to conclusions. But for most people, only around 5-10% of decisions happen here.

The instinctive mind is much faster, making snap judgments based on emotions, biases and self-preservation. This is the mind that judges whether someone is in our “tribe,” and causes us to have gut reactions. For teens with underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes, nearly all decisions happen via the instinctive mind.

So when parents offer rational arguments to change teens’ behavior, teens brush them off–because facts and data barely penetrate their instinctive way of thinking. Actually, pushing logic often backfires, causing teens to dig their heels in defensively.

Instead, Michael suggests appealing to the instinctive mind by building trust and rapport. One way to do this is through vulnerability and finding common ground.

Getting on Their Wavelength

Trying to assert authority or superiority when conversing with teens is unlikely to get us anywhere, Michael says. Teens are inherently skeptical of parents’ knowledge and worldliness. The instinctive mind wants to stick with the tribe–and for teens, parents are not members.

That’s why Michael suggests having authentic conversations where we come alongside teens humbly. Saying “I don’t have this all figured out” or “I’d love to hear your take on this” demonstrates that we respect their autonomy. It also diffuses tension so they drop their defenses.

Michael also discusses the importance of developing trust by upping oxytocin levels. The bonding hormone oxytocin determines how much we unconsciously trust someone. Releasing it requires candidness and finding synchrony–walking together side-by-side can naturally build connection.

Matching body language too obviously can feel disingenuous. But according to neuroscientist Dr. Paul Zak, going on walks is an easy way to build rapport with teens by mirroring cadence and getting on the same wavelength.

Asking the Right Questions

Beyond vulnerability and synchrony, the language we use with teens can foster influence and trust, Michael says. Asking questions is more productive than making statements. And there’s an art to framing inquiries that defuse tension and make teens want to open up.

We can preface questions by admitting we don’t have the full picture. And we should ask out of genuine curiosity rather than trying to catch teens behaving badly or evaluate their choices. Our motive should be understanding their perspective.

The way teens interpret our questions depends heavily on body language and tone as well. And the types of questions we ask can steer conversations productively or unproductively.

More Than Logic

While the instinctive mind drives most of a teen’s decisions, the inquiring mind still plays a role too. Particularly as the prefrontal cortex develops, introducing facts, data and personal experience can supplement emotional appeals.

Telling stories makes parents more relatable. And describing our own regrets and mistakes reassures teens that poor choices or failures aren’t abnormal–everyone makes bad decisions in their youth.

While logic alone rarely changes perspectives, when combined with vulnerability, rapport and the right questioning, facts can reinforce the influence parents have. Understanding and utilizing multiple persuasion tactics allows parents to get through even when teens’ minds seem firmly stuck.

In the Episode...

On top of the topics outlined above, we also discuss:

Why isolation impacts teen psychology
How to have high stakes conversations
Why consistency and boundaries breed respect
Picking your battles as a parent

To learn more from Michael and grab a copy of “Mind Stuck,” head to his website at michaelmcqueen.net. Thanks for listening–don’t forget to subscribe!

Ep 267: Neurodivergent Teens and Communication Nov 26, 2023

Chris Martin, author of May Tomorrow Be Awake, speaks on the concept of neurodiversity, and how parents can encourage teenagers to be their unique selves, rather than trying to pass as "normal."

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Full Show Notes

We all want our kids to feel “normal”, to fit in with their peers and the culture around them. But what if normal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? What if we’ve defined “normal” too narrowly, and left a lot of beautiful minds out of the picture?

Our guest today, Chris Martin, is encouraging us to take a closer look at the concept of neurotypicality. As a poet and advocate who has worked with autistic writers for over 20 years, Chris has come to see neurodivergence as a creative superpower rather than a deficit.

So what does it mean to be “neurodivergent”? Why is neurodiversity so poorly understood? And how we can nurture the neurodiverse minds all around us--both in our kids and in ourselves?

Introducing Chris Martin

To explore those questions, we’re speaking with Chris Martin, poet and Executive Director of UnRestricted Interest, an arts organization for neurodivergent writers. Chris is himself neurodivergent, with ADHD.

In his book “May Tomorrow Be Awake”, Chris details his experiences working with nonspeaking autistic poets. He shares their incredible insights while reframing common misconceptions about autism--like the notion that autistic people “lack empathy.”

Drawing on his background, we’ll be discussing:

How autism has unique creative strengths
Why all kids start out neurodivergent
The high cost of “masking” neurodivergence
How to nurture neurodiversity in teens

Autism’s Upsides

Autism comes with plenty of challenges, but also some incredible strengths...if we choose to see them. As Chris explains, many autistic traits have a positive flipside when reframed.

What’s seen as a “restricted interest” can also be viewed as a passionate devotion to a subject, while sensory sensitivity connects autistic people to the environment in profound ways. Chris even explains how synesthesia--common in autistics--may have given rise to metaphor and poetry.

Understanding how autistic minds work differently is key to valuing their contributions. Neurodivergence itself shouldn’t be the problem--the problem is a culture that refuses to accommodate it.

Masking Our True Selves

Many neurodivergent people can “pass” for neurotypical, masking their true selves in order to fit in. But as Chris recounts, this masking process can make people physically ill.

He explains how as a child, he trained himself to perform neurotypicality out of fear of bullying. Monitoring himself constantly to fit in was exhausting, and separated him from his true identity.

The good news is that for the next generation, culture is already changing. Chris’s neurodivergent son hasn’t experienced the bullying Chris once did. But for those of us who grew up masking, unlearning those habits is tough.

Through his work, however, Chris has found his way back to himself--and wants to help others do the same.

Embracing Our Shared Neurodiversity

One takeaway from Chris’s book is that since we all have diverse minds and bodies, disability is a universal human experience. We can’t predict or eliminate it--we have to accommodate for it.

Likewise, we all exist on a spectrum of neurodivergence. Though some people seem more neurotypical than others, it’s partly an act, Chris argues--we’re all suppressing or enhancing certain natural tendencies to conform.

Kids start out accepting of their own and others’ neurodivergence. But at some point, we teach them to hide it. What if instead, we could preserve that spirit of openness, and build a culture that embraces each mind and body?

A world that celebrates neurodiversity is one that would benefit us all--one that’s more creative, more thoughtful and more humane. Chris and his autistic friends are illuminating the path.

Additional Topics:

Why autistic people may have been first to use metaphor
How to congratulate someone on an autism diagnosis
Why disability is ahead for us all
How to nurture tics versus correct them

Don’t miss this thought-provoking discussion! To hear more from Chris, check out his book “May Tomorrow Be Awake” or visit unrestrictedinterest.com.

Ep 266: Is Social Media Making Our Teens Angry? Nov 19, 2023

Tobias Rose-Stockwell, author of Outrage Machine, clues us in to how social media platforms manipulate emotions to keep us scrolling and riles us up. We talk about how the internet influences our beliefs and the pursuit of truth over winning arguments.

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Full Show Notes

It’s hard to deny that public discourse, especially online, has taken an ugly turn over the past decade. Social media sites, which we all once heralded as revolutionary tools for connection and change, now seem to breed anxiety, arguments, and even despair.

So what happened? Is there something inherently wrong with us, or have these sites changed over time in ways we haven’t fully grasped?

This week, we’re here with writer and media researcher Tobias Rose-Stockwell to investigate the psychological underpinnings of sites like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Tobias is the author of Outrage Machine: How Tech Amplifies Discontent, Disrupts Democracy, and What We Can Do About It.

In his work, Tobias has uncovered how social media sites have increasingly capitalized on innate quirks in human psychology to keep us outraged, divided, and always scrolling for more.

The Science of “Doomscrolling”

You may have found yourself getting sucked into heated arguments and disturbing news stories online, unable to look away even when you want to. As it turns out, this phenomenon called “doomscrolling” is no accident.

As Tobias explains, human brains have evolved to rapidly take note of potential threats and dangers. We’re primed to focus our attention on the outrageous, salacious, and emotional parts of our environment — likely because paying attention to hazards helped early humans survive.

Social media sites have now wired themselves to tap into these psychological instincts. Features like personalized news feeds surface the most emotional and provocative content first, since data shows we’re most likely to engage with those posts. The results? We can’t peel our eyes away from our feeds, even when what we’re seeing stresses us out.

Designed for Division

Outrage and disagreement may keep us glued to our screens, but they’re also highly divisive. So how do sites incentivize us to spar?

As Tobias describes, social media platforms highlight content that drives “meaningful social interactions” — comments, shares, likes, and other measurable forms of engagement. As a result, posts showcasing arguments and moral outrage tend to get boosted to the top of our feeds.

We’re also psychologically primed to take sides when we witness fights unfolding and controversy brewing. Tobias explains that even if the topic itself doesn’t affect us, we feel inclined to pick a team, stake our claim online, and stand our ground.

Meanwhile, the platforms continue serving up divisive content, because that’s what keeps pulling us back in.

Escaping the Outrage Machine

If social media sites structurally pit us against each other, is there any hope for nuanced public discourse? How might we escape from the outrage machine?

As Tobias advises, simply being aware of how these sites manipulate us is an important first step. When we understand the psychological hooks they use to capture our attention, we can be more conscious about how and when we engage.

Beyond that, Tobias offers tips for having healthier dialogues both on and offline. He advises focusing conversations around shared truths rather than fixating on disagreements. Ground rules can also help, like assuming good intentions in those we speak with.

If you found this glimpse into the outrage machine illuminating, be sure to check out the full episode. Tobias offers so many more insights that help explain the current landscape of social media. Understanding what’s behind the curtain is the first step to using these sites more deliberately, and combatting their most toxic effects.

Ep 265: Turning Teens Into Savvy Investors Nov 05, 2023

Maya Corbic, author of From Piggy Banks to Stocks, tells us how to turn allowance into financial lessons. Maya dishes on the potential dangers of blindly trusting financial advisors, the future of investing, and investing for generational wealth.

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Full Show Notes

Investing often feels out of reach for teens. The stock market can seem complex and intimidating, and most kids just don’t think about their money working for them. But investing early and shifting teens’ money mindset can set them up for financial success down the road.

This week, we’re talking with Maya Corbic, financial educator and author of “From Piggy Banks to Stocks: The Ultimate Guide for a Young Investor.” Maya has spent over a decade teaching kids and teens how to manage money wisely. After paying off all her debts and realizing she didn’t have to work a 9 to 5 anymore, Maya decided to dedicate her life to helping others improve their financial literacy.

On the show, Maya is breaking down the basics of investing in simple terms teens can grasp. We’re discussing how to switch teens’ thinking from being consumers to being owners and investors. Maya explains what teens should learn about money before they’re ready to start investing. She also reveals common mistakes parents make when introducing kids to investing concepts.

Turning Teens into Investors Instead of Just Consumers

Maya suggests reframing the way we talk to teens about the products they love to use. For example, teens may be huge fans of Apple products. But instead of seeing themselves as consumers of iPhones and Apple watches, Maya encourages teens to think like owners. They can purchase stock and actually own part of the company behind their favorite tech gadgets. This sense of ownership switches teens thinking and gets them excited about investing.

Owning even just one share of a company ties teens to brands in a whole new way. And it opens their eyes to the idea that they can earn money by owning stock, not just by traditional jobs. Maya says this revelation is often the needed spark to get teens interested in investing and understanding market principles.

But teens can’t just jump into the stock market without some financial literacy. First, Maya takes us through some money basics every teen should grasp.

Money Lessons to Precede Investing

While investing early has major advantages, teens still need to learn some fundamental money lessons before they start buying stocks. Maya outlines concepts like:

The difference between wants and needs
How to budget allowance money
Smart spending habits
The power of saving
How interest works

Learning these basic building blocks paves the way for later investing success. They also ensure teens have a balanced relationship with money.

Maya suggests parents invest small sums on behalf of young teens before they’re ready to make their own investment decisions. But by the time teens reach high school, they have the cognitive ability to understand stocks and start directing their own investments, Maya explains.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Eager parents often make mistakes when introducing teens to investing. Investing in individual stocks instead of funds, failing to assess risk tolerance, and picking investments not aligned with the teen’s goals are a few pitfalls Maya sees parents commonly fall into.

She warns that every teen’s investment portfolio should look different based on their objectives, time horizon and risk appetite. Maya advises parents help teens complete free risk assessment questionnaires rather than just telling them what to buy. This empowers teens to understand market dynamics and make informed decisions.

Maya also cautions parents not to overwhelm teens with complex investing jargon. Finding relatable examples and analogies is key to getting teens excited about investing without confusing them. Comparing it to lending money and earning interest is one comparison Maya finds effective and easy to grasp.

On the Show...

My conversation with Maya sheds light on the immense benefits of shaping teens money mindset early on. On top of the topics outlined above, we also discuss:

Getting teens interested in earning passive income
Why investing is important regardless of income level
Different investment vehicles suited for teens’ goals
Resources for educating yourself about investing
Realistic expectations about returns

Maya breaks investing down into understandable language. Her book and community help many parents finally grasp market principles themselves!

To learn more from Maya about teaching financial literacy, visit her website at mayasmoneymatters.ca or find her on Instagram

Ep 264: Overcoming Anxiety, Finding Well-Being Oct 29, 2023

Dr Gregory Scott Brown, author of The Self-Healing Mind, helps us bust myths surrounding mental health and self-care. We discuss the difference between mental health and mental illness and the keys to teen well-being.

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Full Show Notes

As parents, we spend a lot of time thinking about our teens’ mental health. Often, the first things that come to mind are mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. However, there’s a key distinction between mental illness and mental health. While illnesses like depression undoubtedly take a toll, mental health refers to overall well-being - things like motivation, focus, emotional regulation and connection.

So how can we support the mental health of our teens? This week, we’re talking self-care - those small, daily practices that equip us to handle life’s ups and downs. To break it all down, we’re joined by Dr. Gregory Scott Brown, psychiatrist and author of The Self-Healing Mind.

In his book, Dr. Brown outlines what he calls the five pillars of self-care: sleep, spirituality, nutrition, breathwork and movement. He explains how these pillars not only stave off mental illness, but also strengthen the skills and habits teens need to build mental resilience. Things like focus, self-awareness, stress tolerance, healthy relationships and more.

The Healing Potential Of Self-Care

In our interview, Dr. Brown explains that self-care practices have scientifically-proven healing effects on the mind and body. Breathing exercises can stimulate relaxation responses by increasing GABA and alpha brain waves. Adequate sleep allows the brain to replenish and solidify memories. Movement and yoga help us cultivate conscious body awareness and presence. And healthy eating provides the building blocks for neurotransmitters that regulate mood.

Rather than erasing unwanted feelings with medication, self-care helps us sit with discomfort and understand the message behind our emotions, Dr. Brown explains. However, self-care can powerfully complement medical treatment for those facing clinical diagnoses like depression or anxiety. Like a ladder that helps someone climb out of a ditch, meds offer initial relief, but self-care helps sustain mental health over the long run.

Daily Self-Care For Busy Teens

The best part about self-care is that it takes no special skill or money to practice - just intention and consistency. Dr. Brown suggests starting small by choosing one or two pillars to focus on. Teens might start going on nightly walks with a parent or friend. They could set aside 10 minutes before bed to journal. Or challenge themselves to put their phones away during mealtimes.

On top of specific techniques for sleep, eating, breathing, meditation and more, Dr. Brown provides tips for making self-care stick. Like scheduling it into each day or week. Or practicing it preventatively, not just when stressed. He also explains how parents can model self-care, and even make it a shared activity through things like breathwork before bed. By living self-care, not just preaching it, we’ll inspire the next generation to make it a lifelong habit.

There’s so much more from our conversation with Dr. Brown about the remarkable impacts self-care can have - both big and small. To learn more, be sure to check out The Self-Healing Mind wherever you get your books!

Ep 263: Sex, Puberty and Parenting Oct 15, 2023

Dina Alexander, founder of EducateEmpowerKids.org, joins us to share her view on how to talk to tweens and teens about S-E-X and everything that comes with it. Rather than one big “talk” Dina encourages small, frequent talks to get the message(s) across.

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Full Show Notes

Talking about sex with teenagers is notoriously awkward and uncomfortable for parents. But in today's world, where kids have unprecedented access to explicit content online, it's more important than ever to push past that discomfort. Our kids need us to have open, judgement-free conversations to help them build healthy relationships and develop positive views on sexuality.

On this week's episode of Talking to Teens, we're speaking with Dina Alexander, an expert on communicating with kids about sex and relationships. Dina is the founder of Educate and Empower Kids and the author of the 30 Days of Sex Talks book series. With a daughter who is currently a senior in high school, Dina has plenty of firsthand experience navigating tricky conversations about sex.

Dina explains why discussions about sex make so many parents anxious, even as sexual imagery pervades mainstream American culture. Often, our own experiences and assumptions get in the way of having constructive talks with teens. We discuss how to get over those hang-ups so we can have productive dialogues.

Dina has recently released updated editions of her sex talk books, so we explore what has changed in the past few years when it comes to teen perspectives on relationships and intimacy. The proliferation of dating apps and social media has dramatically impacted how kids today approach romance and physical affection. Porn aimed specifically at girls and young women has also grown more prevalent. Dina offers insight into how to address new challenges.

Throughout the interview, Dina provides tips for making chats about delicate topics more comfortable and effective. We talk about starting early, framing discussions around ideals for healthy relationships, and being willing to answer kids' questions without judgement. She explains why no one gets sex talks exactly "right" - the simple act of keeping the conversation going is what matters.

Ep 262: Built to Move: Healthy Teens Oct 08, 2023

Kelly and Juliet Starrett, authors of Built To Move, highlight the significance of physical activity, especially among teens. Being healthy is not only about exercising once per day for 45 minutes—Kelly and Juliet advocate for building movement into your day.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers is exhausting. As parents, we’re often overwhelmed juggling work, household duties, keeping up with kids’ busy schedules, and trying to keep our own sanity intact. Self-care goes out the window, and before we know it, we’re burnt out, injured, or sick.

We know we “should” make time to exercise and eat right — but finding time is easier said than done. However, what if small, sustainable movement habits could give us the energy, focus and durability we need to weather life’s stressors and model healthy lifestyles for our teens?

This week we’re talking all about the power of movement with Juliet Starrett and Kelly Starrett, authors of the new book Built to Move: The 10 Essential Habits to Help You Move Freely and Live Fully. Juliet and Kelly are movement and mobility experts who have spent decades working with elite athletes and organizations. They’re here to breakdown how small movement practices throughout your day can have big impacts on health.

Why We Need to Move More

Here’s a concerning stat: the average American teenager spends just 40-80 minutes per day outdoors. This lack of movement and nature exposure sets teens up for poor health outcomes. As Kelly and Juliet explain, our bodies need regular movement and time outside to function properly. Otherwise, we adapt to live a “sedentary lifestyle”.

In fact, research shows that sitting for more than 6 hours per day can negatively impact how our bodies metabolize fats and sugars, hurt brain function, increase disease risk, and limit our sleep quality. We might make time for exercise, but if we spend the rest of our waking hours inactive, it simply isn’t enough.

The good news? Adding more movement throughout our day doesn’t require intense exercise regimens. Light activity like walking, stretching, squatting and spending more time upright makes a measurable difference. Juliet and Kelly suggest simple habits like walking meetings, family movement breaks, and getting outside in nature more often.

10 Essential Movement Habits

In Built to Move, Juliet and Kelly outline 10 essential habits that families can build to incorporate more movement, like:

Aim for 6 Hours or Less of Sitting Per Day
Schedule Walking Meetings
Take Regular Movement Breaks
Prioritize Quality Sleep
Spend Time Outside Each Day
Incorporate Squatting in Your Routine
Schedule Dedicated Recovery Days
Practice Shoulder Mobility Daily
Drink More Water
Eat Nutrient Dense Whole Foods

These habits might seem basic, but they work synergistically to create energy, improve sleep quality, reduce injury risk and make our bodies more resilient to handle life’s curveballs. They’re designed to be simple, sustainable practices we can fit into our regular routines without added hassle.

In our interview, Kelly and Juliet walk through each habit in more detail, explaining the reasoning and science behind their recommendations. They also share tips for realistically applying these habits as busy parents and professionals.

Modeling Healthy Movement

Teaching healthy movement habits doesn’t stop with us — we need to model these behaviors for our teens as well. As Kelly and Juliet explain, the household is the center of change. We can’t rely on institutions like schools to instill healthy practices in teenagers. Leading by example is key.

Luckily, the movement habits Juliet and Kelly recommend set families up for success. Taking regular movement breaks, walking meetings and getting outside are practices the whole family can do together. Not only will these habits provide health benefits for teens, but they’ll also help families bond.

Modeling healthy movement and self-care shows teenagers that things like sleep, nutrition and activity aren’t just obligations — they can be fun too. Building these habits into family time teaches teens sustainable wellness practices they can carry into adulthood.

In the Episode...

My conversation with Juliet and Kelly gave me simple, sustainable ideas to improve family health through movement. We also discuss:

How movement affects focus, stress and sleep quality
Why teens need time outside and in nature daily
How to realistically apply movement habits as busy parents
Why families should approach wellness together

Check out Juliet and Kelly’s new book Built to Move for even more great insights! Thanks for listening... don’t forget to subscribe!

Ep 261: What Your Teen’s Music Says About Them Oct 01, 2023

Susan Rogers, author of This Is What It Sounds Like, offers insight into what different tastes in music reveal about personality. Plus, how parents and teens can connect more deeply by sharing and exploring music.

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Full Show Notes

Music is deeply personal, especially for teenagers. In this episode, we’re exploring what your teen’s music taste says about them and how you can use music to connect more deeply.

We’re joined by Susan Rogers, a cognitive neuroscientist, award-winning professor at Berklee College of Music, multi-platinum record producer, and author. With decades of experience in the music industry and a PhD researching music perception and cognition, Susan has rare insight into both the art and science of music.

In our conversation, Susan explains that musical tastes are highly individualized, tapping into our inner psyche and self-image. Criticizing your teen’s music taste can feel like a personal attack to them. Instead, Susan suggests having a “record pull” where family members take turns playing music they love for each other. This allows everyone to glimpse into each other’s musical psyche.

What Your Teen’s Taste Reveals

We discuss fascinating research Susan conducted asking people what visuals and memories they associate with their favorite music. Results showed the majority of people see autobiographical memories, allowing them to relive happy moments from their past. For teens, this often means music from when they were younger.

Susan explains music activates the brain’s “default network” tied to our sense of self. So when teens listen to music they relate to, it becomes deeply enmeshed with their personal identity. Lyrics often take a backseat, Susan says, with musical qualities resonating more deeply.

Using Music to Connect

With the teenage brain still developing areas related to identity and self-perception, what teens believe their peers think of them becomes what they think of themselves. Susan suggests asking teens openly about their music, not to criticize their taste but to understand them better.

Playing music you relate to for your teen can also help them understand you, glimpsing into your psyche. Susan proposes a “record pull” where family members share meaningful music with each other.

Additional Topics:

How streaming led to highly individualized musical taste
Dance and musical style reflecting generational culture
Processing lyrics versus musical qualities
Areas of the teenage brain still under construction

Ep 260: How to Turn Setbacks into Success Sep 24, 2023

Michelle Icard, author of Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success, returns to clue us in on what to say and do when our teens stumble and fall. We cover Michelle’s easy three-step method to speaking to your teen about any failure.

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Full Show Notes

Setbacks and failures might seem like the worst things for teens, but they can actually be pivotal moments that build character strengths. In her new book "Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success," psychologist and parenting expert Michelle Icard flips the script on our instinct to shield teens from failure. Instead of seeing failure as something to avoid, Michelle helps reframe these experiences as opportunities for teens to grow.

In this episode, Michelle walks us through the three steps she's identified to help teens leverage setbacks on their way to adulthood: separating emotions from events, identifying lessons and values, and planning next steps. We also discuss common setbacks teens face involving friendships, academics, digital life, values, and more. Michelle shares advice for how parents can respond in helpful ways, have constructive conversations, and model resilience.

Why Failure Matters

It's natural for parents to want to protect their teens from hurt, but experiencing failure is how teens build grit and perseverance. Setbacks teach problem-solving skills that are essential for adulthood. Still, watching your teen struggle can be painful. Michelle explains failure is part of an age-old process of identity formation common to cultures across history. Understanding this developmental path can help reframe our perspective.

Michelle also describes her three-step method to help teens process failures in productive ways. By separating emotions, identifying lessons, and planning next actions, parents can guide teens through setbacks without shame. Avoiding judgment and punishment is key.

Common Setbacks Teens Face

Michelle outlines eight of the most common setbacks teens experience today in areas like friendships, school, social media use, values conflicts, risky behaviors, looks and body image, planning for the future, and more. She shares real-life examples and typical parent reactions, explaining how to reframe these cases as learning opportunities.

We dive deeper into a few specific scenarios. Michelle offers insights into tricky situations like helping teens struggling to make friends, addressing rule-breaking and risky behavior, navigating conflicts over values, and guiding teens anxious about the future. Her advice helps move interactions from blame and anger to openness and growth.

Modeling Resilience

Experiencing failure isn’t just part of growing up for teens, it’s an inevitable part of life for adults too. Michelle describes how parents can use their own setbacks as teaching moments. By modeling resilience, honesty, and emotional management, parents show their teens how to transform trials into personal triumphs.

Ep 259: What’s Your Pronoun? Sep 17, 2023

Dennis Baron, author of What’s Your Pronoun?, takes us on a journey through the evolution of pronouns. Younger generations are boldly claiming their linguistic identities—how do we better understand them?

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Full Show Notes

In recent years, the discussion around pronouns has expanded well beyond the binary he and she, with young people leading the charge in educating themselves and others about the variety of pronouns people use to express their identities. This movement towards a more inclusive language might seem novel, but Dennis Baron, author of "What's Your Pronoun?" reveals that the conversation around pronoun usage has deep historical roots.

This episode explores the fascinating history of alternative pronoun usage, unearthing attempts to reform the English language and fill what have been perceived as gaps in our pronoun set with gender-neutral or common gender pronouns. Through his research, Baron discovered over 200 proposals for alternative pronouns in just three months, many dating back to the 19th and early 20th centuries, such as thon, ze, and even the singular they.

The Quest for a Gender-Neutral Pronoun

Baron's journey into the world of pronouns began over 40 years ago when he researched attempts to reform the English language. He found that alongside spelling and grammar reforms, there was a significant push for a gender-neutral or common gender pronoun. Interestingly, this quest for an inclusive pronoun is not new, with proposals dating back to the 19th century.

The Singular They and Controversies

One significant aspect of the conversation around pronouns is the use of singular they. Baron points out that despite criticism, singular they has been part of the English language since the 14th century. The resistance to singular they highlights broader debates about language, inclusivity, and identity, which are explored in depth in this episode.

The Political and Social Implications of Pronoun Usage

The episode also delves into the political and social implications of pronoun usage, examining how language can both include and exclude individuals. Baron discusses recent legislative attempts to restrict pronoun usage, highlighting the ongoing battle for recognition and respect within the linguistic domain.

In the Episode…

This conversation with Dennis Baron is not just about pronouns; it's a deep dive into the evolving nature of language, identity, and social acceptance. In addition to the topics discussed above, we also cover:

- The impact of social movements on language reform
- The challenges of introducing new pronouns into everyday language
- How language reforms reflect broader societal changes
- The role of language in shaping our understanding of gender and identity

Through Dennis Baron's insightful exploration of the history and present of pronouns, listeners will gain a greater appreciation for the complexity and beauty of language evolution. Don't miss this fascinating episode that bridges past and present to illuminate the path towards a more inclusive future. Listen now, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightening discussions.

Ep 258: Privacy Versus Parenting Sep 10, 2023

Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public, sheds light on the multiple ways we monitor teen’s digital lives and the broader implications of constant surveillance. We also dive into the challenges and opportunities that arise when raising tech-savvy teens.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today’s digitally-focused and surveillance-heavy society can feel like uncharted territory for many parents. The constant monitoring—from social media engagement to academic performance tracking—has transformed the way teens experience their formative years. This digital reality brings a host of new challenges for families, navigating the balance between keeping children safe online and respecting their privacy and independence. But how can parents support their teens without infringing on their autonomy? How can families encourage resilience and kindness in a world that often feels intrusive?

In this week's episode of Talking to Teens, we're delving deep into the complexities of parenting in a digital society. We're joined by Devorah Heitner, an expert in the impact of technology on children and teens, and the author of "Growing Up in Public." Devorah's work has been featured in major outlets such as The New York Times and CNN, and she's here to share her insights on empowering parents to foster resilient and respectful digital citizens.

Digital Surveillance: A Double-Edged Sword

Our kids are growing up under a microscope, scrutinized by both the technology they use and the watchful eyes of their parents. This constant surveillance can have profound implications for their development, sense of self, and privacy. Devorah helps us understand the spectrum of digital monitoring practices—from reading texts to tracking locations—and invites us to question the impact of these actions on our relationships with our teenagers.

The Public Life of Teens: Navigating Mistakes Online

In a world where a single post or comment can have lasting consequences, how can we prepare our teens to navigate their public lives wisely? Devorah discusses the real risks associated with digital missteps and offers practical advice for supporting teens through potential public scrutiny. She emphasizes the importance of leading with compassion and empathy, both for our children and their peers.

Resilience in the Face of Digital Dilemmas

Learning to make amends and move forward from online errors is crucial for building resilience. Whether dealing with minor misjudgments or more severe mistakes, Devorah guides us through approaches to help teens learn from their experiences. She stresses the importance of focusing on character development over punitive responses, encouraging an environment where teens feel safe to seek guidance and share their concerns.

Preparing for Digital Independence

As our teens grow, they will inevitably face decisions about their digital presence and privacy without our direct supervision. Devorah provides insights into fostering discussions about online behaviors, privacy, and consent. She also tackles tough topics like sexting and online bullying, providing a roadmap for open, non-shame-based conversations with our teens.

In this episode, we cover many more aspects of the digital challenges facing teens and their families, including:

- Strategies for teaching digital empathy and kindness
- How to discuss the permanent nature of online actions with teens
- Balancing teen privacy with parental concern in the digital age
- Encouraging critical thinking about social media and consumerism

Listen to the full episode for Devorah Heitner’s expert advice on navigating the digital world with your teen. Whether you’re dealing with minor privacy concerns or confronting a serious online mistake, you'll find actionable tips and compassionate insights to help support your teenager. Don't forget to share and subscribe to Talking to Teens, as we continue exploring the art and science of parenting in the digital age.

Ep 257: From Grieving to Resilient Parent Sep 03, 2023

Jarie Bolander, author of Ride or Die, shares his experience of parenting through grief and the stigma that comes with it as a man. His journey through grief toward resilience is a testament to the power of vulnerability with our teens and others.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Parenting teenagers can often feel like an underappreciated marathon. You pour your heart and soul into managing their lives - from keeping a roof over their heads to navigating their emotional storms - only to be met with what seems like a bottomless pit of demands and indifference. But, is this struggle unique to parenting, or is it a universal sentiment felt by caregivers at large?

Jarie Bolander found himself plunged into an intense caregiving role when his wife, Jane, was diagnosed with leukemia. As he juggled his business, hers, and her complete medical and emotional care, he encountered a profound sense of being unappreciated. Surprisingly, his journey mirrors many elements of parenting teenagers.

Jarie is an author and entrepreneur, brings a unique perspective to the table. With a background in writing business books and a personal journey through tragic loss, Jarie’s recent memoir, *Ride or Die: Loving Through Tragedy, A Husband's Memoir*, offers deep insights into the emotional landscape of care, love, and appreciation.

Insights on Gratitude and Control

Jarie's experience with his wife's illness brought to light how feelings of ungratefulness often stem from a lack of control. This insight resonates with the teen-parent dynamic, where teenagers' striving for independence clashes with parental control, often manifesting as a seeming lack of gratitude.

Standards of Behavior and Aspirations

Drawing parallels between caregiving and stepping into a parenting role for a teenager, Jarie emphasizes setting standards of behavior and providing role models for aspiration. He advocates for open dialogues and rational decision-making that respects the teenager's burgeoning sense of autonomy.

The Lessons of Love and Loss

Jarie's narrative isn't just about the hard times. It's a lesson in gratitude, resilience, and the human capacity for love. His journey through caregiving, loss, and stepping into a stepparent role sheds light on the universal challenges of caring for another and the profound growth it can stimulate.

Topics Covered:

- The parallels between caregiving for a terminally ill spouse and parenting teenagers
- How feelings of ungratefulness can arise from a perceived lack of control
- The importance of setting expectations and standards of behavior for teenagers
- Balancing guidance with allowing autonomy
- The transformative power of facing tragedy and finding love and happiness again

Listen to the Episode:

Jarie's story is both heart-wrenching and inspirational, offering profound insights for any parent feeling underappreciated or struggling to connect with their teenager. His experiences remind us of the importance of understanding, patience, and open communication.

Don't miss this powerful episode. Subscribe to Talking to Teens to hear more enlightening discussions that can help you navigate the complexities of teen parenting.

Ep 256: Tricky Talks: Weight, Food, and Exercise Aug 27, 2023

Juna Grata and Dr. Edward Phillips, co-authors of Food, We Need to Talk, join us to discuss controversial health topics. We cover how parents can skillfully navigate tricky talks on weight, exercise, and dieting.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today's society comes with a myriad of concerns, from academic pressures to social dynamics, but one topic that lurks in the shadows of family life is how we approach the subject of food. For many parents, navigating discussions around eating habits, body image, and nutrition is like walking a tightrope, filled with potential missteps that could lead to unhealthy patterns. Yet, ignoring these conversations isn't the solution either. So, how can parents support their teens in developing a healthy relationship with food?

This week on Talking to Teens, we dive deep into the complexities of food, diet, and metabolism with Juna Grata and Dr. Edward Phillips, co-authors of "Food, We Need to Talk." Juna Grata, a Harvard graduate with a rich background in cognitive neuroscience and a personal journey through the maze of diet culture, and Dr. Edward Phillips, an associate professor at Harvard Medical School specializing in physical medicine and rehabilitation, bring together their expertise and experiences to shed light on how to talk about food in a way that nurtures healthy habits.

Debunking the Metabolism Myth

One of the biggest misconceptions that surround our understanding of food and weight is metabolism. Juna and Edward unravel the science behind metabolism, clarifying common myths and explaining how our body's energy management system really works. They emphasize the role of muscle mass in metabolism and challenge the widely held belief that our metabolic rate dramatically slows down as we age.

The Problem with Diets

At the heart of many family tensions around food is the topic of dieting. With an overwhelming array of diets promising quick fixes, it's no wonder parents and teens find themselves caught in a cycle of restrictive eating. Our guests discuss why diets often fail in the long term and how they can lead to unhealthy eating habits and disorders.

Navigating Conversations About Weight

Juna shares her personal experiences with family comments about weight and how they contributed to an unhealthy relationship with food. Edward, as a parent, provides perspective on the fine line between promoting healthy habits and contributing to body image issues. They provide insights into how parents can foster a supportive environment that focuses on health and well-being rather than weight.

Foster a Healthy Food Environment

Our episode explores strategies for creating a home where healthy eating is the norm, not the exception. From shopping habits to meal preparation, Juna and Edward offer practical tips for encouraging nutritious choices without making food a source of conflict. They advocate for framing food as fuel, emphasizing its role in supporting our body’s needs, including enhancing physical performance and cognitive functions.

In the episode...

Understanding the role of fat in our diet and dispelling the myth of fat as the enemy
Strategies for involving teens in meal planning and cooking to promote healthier eating habits
The importance of modeling healthy habits and creating a non-restrictive food environment at home
How to support teens struggling with body image issues and foster body positivity
The impact of external influences, such as social media and peers, on teens’ eating habits and perceptions of health

Join us for an enlightening conversation that will equip you with the tools and knowledge to have meaningful dialogues about food with the teenagers in your life. Don’t forget to listen to the full episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into the art and science of parenting teenagers.

Ep 255: How Much Should Parents Push? Aug 20, 2023

Jennifer Breheny Wallace, author of Never Enough, shares insight into modern day “achievement culture.” We discuss the hidden consequences of pushing teens too hard, and how to help teens balance achievement and fulfillment.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Parenting teenagers in today's world comes with a unique set of challenges, not least of which is the increasing pressure on teens to excel in all areas of their lives. From school achievements to extracurricular activities, our teens are bombarded with the message that they need to do more, be more, and achieve more just to matter. But what if the secret to raising healthy, happy, and successful teenagers is not about pushing them to achieve more but helping them understand that they already matter?

In this eye-opening episode of Talking to Teens, we're delving deep into the world of high-achieving teens and the often toxic culture surrounding their quest for success. We're joined by Jenny Wallace, a seasoned journalist who has spent the last four years investigating the rise of toxic achievement culture across America. Jenny's work, including hundreds of interviews with teenagers, parents, and experts, culminates in her latest book, Never Enough, which aims to shed light on this pressing issue and offer practical solutions for parents.

Jenny brings a wealth of experience to the table, having worked as a journalist for 60 minutes and frequently contributed to The Wall Street Journal and The Washington Post. As a parent of three teenagers herself, Jenny's insights are not only research-based but deeply personal, making her guidance invaluable for anyone navigating the complex world of teen parenting today.

The Weight of Achievement

Jenny begins by addressing the mounting evidence suggesting that teenagers attending high-achieving schools are at an increased risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. She discusses the pervasive "never enough" mentality that drives teens to prioritize achievements over their well-being, often at a significant cost. By shining a light on this issue, Jenny hopes to encourage parents to reevaluate how they define success for their teenagers.

The Power of Mattering

At the heart of Jenny's message is the concept of mattering—ensuring that our teens feel valued for who they are, not just what they accomplish. Jenny's research reveals a stark reality: many teens believe their parents value their achievements more than their intrinsic worth as individuals. She shares compelling stories and data that illustrate the importance of fostering a sense of unconditional mattering in our children's lives.

Practical Solutions for Parents

Jenny doesn't just diagnose the problem; she offers a pathway forward. She shares practical strategies and personal anecdotes that demonstrate how parents can create a home environment where teens know they matter regardless of their achievements. From simple exercises to meaningful conversations, Jenny provides actionable advice for parents looking to support their teens in healthy and sustainable ways.

In the Episode

Our conversation with Jenny is packed with insights and advice, covering topics such as:

Recognizing the signs of toxic achievement culture in our homes and schools
Strategies for communicating unconditional love and support to our teens
The importance of prioritizing our own well-being as parents
Success stories of teens who thrive within high-achieving environments
And much more!

This episode is a must-listen for parents, educators, and anyone who plays a significant role in the life of a teenager. Jenny Wallace's informed and compassionate approach to tackling the toxic achievement culture offers a beacon of hope for families navigating these challenges.

Don't miss this powerful conversation on how we can help our teenagers understand that they matter—not because of what they achieve, but because of who they are. Listen to the full episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens today.

Ep 254: Life Skills for Connecting with Others Aug 13, 2023

Brooke Romney, author of 52 Modern Manners for Today's Teenagers, takes us beyond basic etiquette to understand how manners shape important life skills and awareness in teenagers. We discover why manners matter more than ever in the digital age and post-Covid world

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today’s world is challenging, with digital distractions and societal pressures complicating traditional upbringing methods. Parents often wonder if they've covered all the bases in preparing their children for adulthood, especially when it comes to social skills and manners that go beyond the dining table.

In today's episode, we sit down with Brooke Romney, a prolific writer, speaker, educator, and connector known for her insightful pieces in The Washington Post and Deseret News. Brooke is here to share her unique approach to bridging the gap between what teenagers know and what they need to know to thrive socially and emotionally.

Bridging the Teenage Gap

Brooke noticed a divide among teens—those who mastered social skills naturally and those who struggled, often due to a lack of explicit teaching or various personal challenges. Observing this, she was inspired to create a resource that would serve as a comprehensive guide, covering everything from initiating conversations to being a considerate guest. Her work, "52 Modern Manners for Today's Teens," provides teenagers and their families with a roadmap to successful social interactions and relationship-building.

More Than Manners: Life Skills for Success

Brooke’s mission extends beyond teaching which fork to use. By defining "manners" as essential life skills, her books delve into the practical aspects of leading a fulfilled life. Topics range from the simple act of introducing oneself to more complex issues like inclusivity and empathy. Through engaging presentations and family discussions, Brooke’s books aim to not only instruct but to connect, providing a shared language for families to address common social scenarios positively.

From Observations to Actions

In an era dominated by smartphones, many teens miss out on learning from real-world interactions observed in their environments. Brooke highlights the importance of being explicit in teaching these life skills, given that observational learning has diminished. Her material serves as a reminder and a guide for teens to learn the social norms that might not be as intuitively absorbed as generations past.

The Power of Connection

One of the central themes in Brooke Romney’s work is the emphasis on relationship-building and connection. By understanding and implementing these 52 manners, teens can unlock doors to more meaningful interactions and opportunities. Brooke’s books not only offer teenagers the "cheat codes" to navigating life's social challenges but also help parents approach these topics in a non-confrontational, supportive manner.

In the Episode…

Discover the inspiration behind Brooke Romney’s dedication to teen development.
Learn about the unique approach Brooke takes to teach manners as life skills.
Explore various manners from introductions to celebration of others, and the impact on teen success.
Find out how these manners can create a foundation for strong relationships and personal growth.
Hear about real-life examples of families and teens who have benefitted from Brooke’s guidance.

Ready to help your teen master the art of living well in a modern world? Tune in to this enlightening episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert insights on teen upbringing.

Ep 253: How to Clean Up a Mental Mess Aug 06, 2023

Dr. Caroline Leaf, author and clinical neuroscientist, shares wisdom from her years of study and practice helping kids develop healthy minds. She offers us practical tips on what parents can do to help their teens build mental resilience for years to come.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

It will come as no surprise to parents up and down the country to hear that we are in the midst of a mental health crisis, and it is our children and adolescents who are bearing the brunt of it.

Every generation faces change, experiencing something completely unique and different to the last - whether that’s technological, political, socioeconomic or something else entirely. Change is life’s constant companion. However, when the pace of change accelerates but we do not adapt our methods for managing life’s chaos along with it, our mental health suffers.

The model our society has in place for managing mental health has remained largely unchanged over the last 50 years and it is no longer keeping pace with our mental health needs. This has left us in a mental mess; one that is felt most acutely by the youngest members of our society.

A change in approach is long overdue, and if we want our children to rise to life’s challenges today, we need to adapt our own thinking so that we can equip our kids with the tools they need to thrive now.

To learn what we can do to help our teenagers manage their mental health and find peace of mind, we’re talking to Dr Caroline Leaf, author of How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess.

Caroline is a communication pathologist and cognitive neurologist who specializes in helping people to see the power of their mind and find mental peace. With over 40 years of research and writing in this area, she is a best-selling author of 19 books, has a top-rated podcast, and currently lectures at academic, medical, corporate, and religious conferences around the world.

In our interview, we’re talking about the impact our mind has on our brain, body and lives and how managing our teen’s mental health starts with managing our own.

The Mind Is Not The Brain

When we talk about the mind and the brain, we often use the two words interchangeably. But the mind and brain are not the same thing, says Caroline - they’re separate. It is our mind that actually processes life. The mind translates life to the brain, and the brain responds on a neurochemical and physical level and directs the bodily response.

In the study of psycho-neurobiology, Caroline explains, we look at how the mind changes both the biology of the brain and the body, and how this mind-brain-body connection impacts us and influences how we show up in life.

If we look at how a person is showing up, how they are communicating, how they are feeling in their body, we can read the signs that tell us the story behind them. Then, Caroline says, we can help that person process the story in a very organized and sequential way to understand its source, reconceptualize it, and influence how it plays out in their future.

Because stuff has happened and will happen, Caroline says, and you can’t change that fact. So, what we need to know is what is happening inside of our minds and what we can do to manage it.

Caroline describes her system, which she calls the neurocycle, as the cyclical process of how life becomes a part of us and how we can, in turn, influence life. She explains that we are all constantly neurocycling and we’re either doing it well and managing, or we’re not and it’s messy. A messy mind means a messy brain, messy body and a messy life.

But over the last 50 years, this mental messiness has been reduced down to a set of symptoms to diagnose, medicate and ultimately eliminate. Ignoring the complexity, the massiveness of a person’s unique story, Caroline says, does not help to clean up this messiness. Symptoms are just the tip of the iceberg.

Experiencing a mental mess is okay, she says, so long as we read the signs and do something about it. We need to take the time to understand our mind-brain-body connection and how we can better manage its impact on our lives. Helping a person manage their mind is absolutely something we can teach ourselves and our children, Caroline says.

Helping Your Teen Manage Their Mind

What does managing your mind even mean?, Caroline asks. In the episode, she shares a simple example of how an everyday interaction can turn into a behavioral pattern and spiral into a messy situation if both a parent’s and a child’s mind isn’t properly managed.

Say something happened that really threw your teen for a loop at school. They come home, throw their bag down, and get frustrated or snap at you. And as a parent, you react to their bad attitude, letting your emotions rule you in a way that can lead to immediate conflict. Let’s say that this happens on a continual basis, and your child starts to withdraw to avoid the conflict and stops communicating with you. So, you take the child to a psychiatrist, who diagnoses them and gives them medication and a label like clinical depression or ADHD.

That is not mind management, Caroline says. What happened in that example is just spiraling into more and more of a mental mess.

Managing this messy situation starts with the parent’s mental health. If we could put a policy in place to help the mental health crisis that we are in, Caroline says, it would be to work on helping parents to help themselves first.

When a parent hasn’t managed their own mind, it impacts their child. Children, especially adolescents, Caroline explains, will look at the level of distress you feel about their distress and feel even worse about themselves. As parents, in trying to protect or connect without regulating our response, we may unintentionally make the situation more messy.

In the episode, Caroline explains the five simple steps you can take to manage your mind if you find yourself facing a difficult situation with your teen. By taking these steps, you can rewire the network that your response comes from. Your neurophysiology shifts to one that you are empowered to control, Caroline says, and you can say the right thing to your child and they can learn how to respond. That is mind management.

Life is not going to be perfect; you cannot insulate your teen from everything. But, Caroline says, bring the five-step process into your lifestyle and you can not only manage your mind but teach your teenager how to manage their own too.

In the Episode…

We have a fascinating episode today with Caroline! In addition to explaining the mind-brain-body connection and her five-step process to manage it, we also talk about:

The oxygen mask principle
How to manage your reaction to distress triggers
Empowering our teens with critical thinking skills

Thanks for listening! If you want to hear more from Caroline, check out her website and follow her on X as @DrCarolineLeaf. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 252: Feeling Blah? Recapture Life's Highs Jul 30, 2023

Tanith Cary, author of Feeling Blah?, clues us in on the science behind anhedonia, the technical term for “feeling blah.” Teens are reporting high levels of depression and anhedonia—we explore what parents can do to combat it.

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Full Show Notes

Tanith Carey, author of Feeling Blah?, clues us in on the science behind anhedonia, the technical term for “feeling blah.” Teens are reporting high levels of depression and anhedonia—we explore what parents can do to combat it.

Does your teenager get into moods where everything just feels “blah”? Where school, practice and hobbies no longer generate the kind of enthusiasm they used to, and it seems like all the joy has been sucked out of life?

It might feel like your teen is struggling with a deep, existential crisis, but it could be related to a condition known as anhedonia. Anhedonia can affect us all but it is becoming increasingly prevalent among teenagers.

Learning to recognize the signs and knowing what to do - and, sometimes, what not to say - is key to teaching our kids to manage their own emotional systems and lead fulfilled, joyful lives.

To explain the neuroscience behind why anhedonia leaves people feeling joyless and how we can help our kids recapture that joy, we’re talking to Tanith Carey, author of Feeling Blah.

Tanith is an award-winning author and journalist with 13 books on psychology, mental health and adolescence that have been published and translated into 35 languages, and has written articles on mental health in adolescents and much more for media outlets all around the world.

In our interview, we’re talking about understanding what anhedonia means for our kids, teaching them how happiness works in the brain, and the practical steps we can take to help our kids build and maintain their emotional wellbeing.

Name It To Tame It

Unless you know the word for it, it’s more difficult to fix it, says Tanith as she explains why she wants to bring the word “anhedonia” out of research papers and into public discourse.

We might be able to recognize that we are in a state of “blah” but without the ability to name this feeling and understand how it works, how can we expect to combat it? We end up feeling stuck and this is a major problem for our teens, says Tanith, as teens don’t think that feeling “blah” is something that you can do anything about.

Tanith defines anhedonia as a state of loss of enjoyment and also a lack of motivation. It is well known clinically as a symptom of depression but more and more research now shows that it is a standalone condition too. You can not be depressed but still feel “blah.”

Anhedonia is on the rise and teenagers aren’t as happy as they used to be, Tanith says. This has been happening in concurrent generations since the 1950s so that we may now think it is normal or acceptable to not be excited about what we are doing. The joy is being squeezed out of our young people, she says, and there are many contributing factors, including the education system and the lost concept of “spark,” which we talk about in the episode.

But as parents we shouldn’t accept this state of “blah” as the status quo for our teens, she says. It’s really important that we show our teenagers how to flourish and not to languish.

As a society, we have a lot of challenges to face, Tanith says, and we need motivated, flourishing young people who understand the pressure that modern life is having on their brain chemistry and know that they are not stuck.

How Does Happiness Work In The Brain?

Tanith and I talk about how when you ask parents, “What do you want for your child?”, by and large the most common thing they say is, “I want them to be happy.” But parents don’t really know how to make their kids happy, Tanith says, and kids don’t know how to make themselves happy, because they don’t understand the work of the reward circuit.

The brain’s reward circuit comes in three parts, as Tanith explains in the episode. The first part is anticipation. Joy is the anticipation, the building up of the dopamine chemical - this is the enjoyment in the moment. Next comes the release of dopamine when fulfilling that anticipation. And finally, the third part is remembering the event, what made you happy, so that you want to do it again.

Because the fact is for adolescents, Tanith says, life is stressful. They are under a lot of pressure and so their brains are overloaded with the stress hormone cortisol. She explains that there are no psychological issues which don’t have raised cortisol implicated in some way, crowding out dopamine and the three phases of the reward circuit.

But the great thing is, Tanith says, that we know more about the working of the brain than at any point in history. We can see how joy is formed in the brain, so it’s time to harness that knowledge against anhedonia.

We need to accept that modern life is difficult and give our kids the understanding of what is actually going on in their brains to help them to push back. Adolescence is a great time to get these ideas in place, she says.

When Saying Less, Is More

Once we identify and understand the state of feeling “blah,” then we can begin to address it in our parenting. In the episode, Tanith shares some of the things parents can do to teach our young people the skills they need to be happy.

And the first thing, Tanith says, may feel counterintuitive. We tend to intensely worry about our children and so lean into actively coaching and guiding; but to the sensitive ears of a teen, they hear it as criticism. We as parents need to spend more time encouraging our teens to notice how they feel and stop telling them how they feel, she explains.

Parents need to be prepared to listen to uncomfortable emotions, to sit with their kids and just let them process. Unless teens have that interception, that noticing of what makes them feel bad, how are they going to know what is going to make them feel good?

One strategy that goes hand-in-hand with encouraging your children to notice how they feel is helping them to develop a stronger emotional vocabulary. Giving kids the words to describe how they feel helps them see the nuance in the “blah” and communicate this to their parents.

Tanith shares more strategies families can use to improve communication and understanding between parents and teens, including tactics she employs with her own children such as taking part in a happiness-inducing activity together, like painting pottery or going for a nature walk, and making it a criticism-free zone.

Parenting teenagers is a lot about what you don’t say, Tanith explains, not what you do say. It’s about equipping your kids with the tools to work it out and having faith that they will.

In the Episode…

We’ve got a jam-packed episode today with our return guest Tanith! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

The pressure of the “cookie cutter” education system
Helping your teen to find their “sp...

Ep 251: Shaping Identity with Values Jul 23, 2023

Sam LaCrosse, author of Value Economics, unveils principles for fostering strong values in teenagers. We also dive into an examination of helping teens build a sense of identity, and the impact of going too far with positivity.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

In today's world, teenagers are bombarded with questions about who they are and where they belong. Social media and a plethora of information sources can often lead them down paths of confusion and identity crises. It’s crucial for parents to understand the role they play in guiding their teenagers towards developing a strong sense of self, built on a foundation of positive values. Sam LaCrosse, a young author passionate about the intersection of economics and identity formation, joins us to unravel how we can apply economic principles to instill strong values in our teenagers.

Sam LaCrosse, at the age of 24, penned "Value Economics: The Study of Identity," aiming to offer a fresh perspective on building one's identity based on well-crafted values. He brings incredible personal vulnerability into his work, making strong arguments against the prevailing winds of self-help that preach unattainable positivism and highlights the necessity of sacrifice and self-awareness in cultivating personal values and identity.

The Factors of Value Production

Sam discusses the necessity of transforming basic experiences into valuable life lessons through "The Factors of Value Production." This concept is broken into four key components: experiences, actions, discipline, and self-awareness. Each plays a critical role in how individuals, especially teenagers, can craft their values. Through relatable examples, Sam ignites a conversation on how parents can encourage their teenagers to engage more deeply with their world, learn from their experiences, and develop a robust value system.

Modeling Strong Values at Home

The conversation dives into how parents can be exemplary models of strong values for their teenagers. By sharing responsibilities and demonstrating mutual respect within the household, parents can set a precedent for how values inform identity and actions in the real world. Sam emphasizes the importance of courage in sticking to one’s values, even when faced with polarization and challenges.

Navigating Excess and Diminishing Returns in Values

Sam and Andy explore the concept of excess in the context of values, cautioning against rigid adherence that can lead to harmful extremism. The discussion pivots to "diminishing returns" on certain values and the importance of recognizing when persistence in a value becomes counterproductive. Through personal anecdotes, Sam illustrates how self-awareness about one’s values and their impacts is crucial for balanced development.

Fostering Self-Awareness in Teenagers

A pivotal part of the episode is dedicated to fostering self-awareness among teenagers—a value Sam holds in the highest regard. They discuss practical strategies for helping teenagers become more introspective and self-aware, from creating quiet spaces to encouraging active listening. By reducing noise from social media and the external world, teenagers can better understand themselves and their values.

Topics Covered in This Episode Include:

Personal vulnerabilities and the power of sacrifice in value formation.
The economic analogy of crafting values: experiences, actions, discipline, and self-awareness.
The importance of modeling strong values and courage in value-based decision-making.
Recognizing when values reach excess and how to adjust for healthy development.
Practical tips for promoting self-awareness and introspection in teenagers.

Parents seeking to guide their teenagers through the complex journey of identity formation will find Sam LaCrosse’s insights invaluable. Through understanding the principles of value economics, parents can equip their teens with the tools needed to navigate life with purpose and integrity.

Tune into this episode to learn more about shaping your teen's identity through values and subscribe to "Talking to Teens" for more enlightening conversations.

Ep 250: Homeschool vs Traditional School Jul 16, 2023

Catherine Read, author of The Genius of Home, helps us compare the advantages and challenges of homeschooling with traditional school, and how to handle the transition from one to the other and vice versa!

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today's fast-paced world means constantly searching for the best ways to nurture their development while keeping up with their educational needs. But what if the key to providing a rounded and enriching education lies outside the traditional classroom setting? That's what we're exploring in today's episode, where we dive into an educational philosophy that ties learning to the natural rhythms of a child's development: the Waldorf curriculum.

Today, we're fortunate to be joined by Catherine Read, a developmental psychologist with a PhD from UCLA and an accomplished author. Over the course of her career, Catherine has embraced the Waldorf curriculum, homeschooling her two daughters through the 11th grade. Her book, "The Genius of Home: Teaching Your Children at Home with the Waldorf Curriculum," sheds light on this journey and the profound impact of Waldorf education.

The Waldorf Difference

At the heart of our discussion with Catherine is the striking contrast between the Waldorf approach to education and the conventional methods found in most schools. Unlike the typical fragmented school day, Waldorf education emphasizes blocks of focused learning, particularly in the morning when students' minds are most receptive to absorbing new information. This method not only respects the student's developmental stage but also encourages active participation and self-exploration.

Catherine shares her firsthand experiences transitioning from playgroups to homeschooling, emphasizing the importance of nature, imagination, and beauty in the educational process. The Waldorf curriculum's emphasis on creating a harmonious learning environment resonates through her anecdotes, showcasing how this approach fosters a deeper connection between teachers, students, and the subjects at hand.

Practical Takeaways for Parents

While adopting a full Waldorf curriculum at home might not be feasible for everyone, Catherine offers invaluable advice for parents looking to incorporate elements of this philosophy into their teens' education. From restructuring the day to prioritize focused learning periods to encouraging outdoor activities and personal exploration, there are myriad ways to enhance our teens' learning experiences outside the classroom.

Catherine also addresses the practical challenges of homeschooling, such as the need for parental involvement and the societal skepticism that often accompanies non-traditional educational choices. Her insights into overcoming these obstacles offer encouragement and practical strategies for parents contemplating a more hands-on approach to their child's education.

Beyond the Classroom

Perhaps the most compelling aspect of our conversation with Catherine is the broader implications of Waldorf education for adolescent development. As teens navigate the complex journey toward adulthood, the values instilled through a Waldorf-inspired education — such as respect for oneself and one's observations, the trust in personal judgment, and the importance of experiential learning — become invaluable assets.

In essence, Catherine's message is one of hope and empowerment: by rethinking our approach to education, we can better equip our teens to face the future with confidence, creativity, and a deep-seated respect for the world around them.

In This Episode, We Also Discuss:

The structure and benefits of block learning.
Techniques for instilling confidence in teens through respectful learning environments.
Strategies for integrating Waldorf principles into everyday learning, regardless of schooling method.
The importance of connecting learning to real-world experiences and the outdoors.
How to support your teen's educational journey in a holistic and meaningful way.

For more insights from Catherine Read, be sure to check out her book, "The Genius of Home: Teaching Your Children at Home with the Waldorf Curriculum." Whether you're a homeschooling veteran or simply seeking ways to enrich your teen's educational experience, there's something in this episode for everyone. Don't miss out on these valuable lessons — listen to the full episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens today.

Ep 249: The Keys to Instilling Confidence Jul 09, 2023

Selena Rezvani, author of Quick Confidence, joins us to discuss misperceptions around confidence and resilience. We learn the counterintuitive role vulnerability and authenticity have in raising confident teens.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today’s world comes with its unique set of challenges - among them, helping our teens navigate the tightrope of self-confidence. Often, society pushes a surface-level idea of confidence, emphasizing a façade of fearlessness and bravado. However, true confidence—rooted in authenticity, vulnerability, and self-expression—offers a more meaningful and resilient foundation for our teens as they journey toward adulthood.

Today, we're thrilled to be joined by Selena Rezvani, a renowned speaker, content creator, and commentator on leadership, and the author of the insightful book, "WIC Confidence." Selena brings a fresh perspective on building genuine confidence that celebrates individuality and encourages connection.

First Impressions and Authenticity

We start with a conversation on the pressures teens face to conform in new situations and how striving for positive first impressions often leads to hiding their true selves. Selena offers practical advice on breaking the ice and forming connections without sacrificing authenticity. The discussion includes actionable tips for parents on guiding their teens through these social dynamics.

The Power of Outfits

Selena introduces us to the concept of a "power outfit" and how attire can significantly influence confidence levels. We explore how teens can identify clothing that makes them feel powerful and authentic, crafting a personal style that boosts their confidence.

Acts of Non-Compliance

In a world that often demands conformity, standing out can be daunting for teens. Selena discusses the importance of acts of non-compliance as a form of self-expression and authenticity. This segment provides parents with strategies to support their teens in embracing and showcasing their unique identities, even when it challenges societal norms.

Handling Toxic Relationships

Navigating relationships is a critical part of adolescence. Selena shares insights into recognizing and dealing with toxic people, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say no. We delve into practical ways parents can equip their teens with the skills to protect their energy and prioritize their well-being in all types of relationships.

Additional Topics Covered

The role of vulnerability in true confidence
Strategies for teaching teens to stop over-apologizing
Encouraging teens to view themselves as experts in their passions
The underestimated power of silence in communication
Fostering a mindset that embraces failure as a growth opportunity

Selena Rezvani’s expertise offers parents, teachers, and anyone involved in a teenager’s life valuable insights on fostering an environment where authentic confidence can flourish. Join us in this enlightening conversation as we dive into practical tools and mindset shifts that support our teens in becoming truly confident individuals.

Listen to the episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into the art of parenting teenagers.

Ep 248: What Would Gen-Z Do? Jul 02, 2023

John Schlimm, author of What Would Gen-Z Do, clues us in onto what’s going on with Gen Z. What does the next generation do well, struggle with, and care about most?

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Full Show Notes

In a world where generations often struggle to understand each other, Generation Z stands out as a group extensively stereotyped and misunderstood. Known for their digital nativity and often misinterpreted through media, Gen Z's authentic voices and concerns are frequently overshadowed. This episode of Talking to Teens delves into the world of Generation Z, shedding light on how to foster deeper and more meaningful conversations between teens and adults.

Our guest, John Schlimm, is a Harvard-trained educator, artist, advocate, and international award-winning author who has been instrumental in unveiling the complex nature of Gen Z. Through extensive research, trusted relationships, and innovative projects like the Gen Z Time Capsule with the Andy Warhol Museum, John has provided a platform for Gen Zers to present themselves to the world beyond stereotypes and stigmas.

The Importance of Listening

The episode opens with a vital realization: when talking about sensitive topics like mental health, are adults being triggered by Gen Z’s openness? They grew up in a time where such discussions were taboo. Understanding this dynamic can transform conversations, making them more open and honest.

Breaking Stereotypes: The World of Gaming

Gen Z’s engagement with video games is often criticized by older generations. John shares insights on how games are not merely a pastime but a way to develop crucial skills like strategic thinking, communication, and social-emotional learning. Understanding and respecting Gen Z's hobbies can bridge gaps between generations.

Navigating Social Media: The Reality of "Finstas"

The concept of "Finstas," or fake Instagram accounts, is often misinterpreted by adults. John clarifies that these accounts are less about secrecy and more about a space for Gen Zers to express their authentic selves without the pressure of judgment. Understanding the personal side of social media can foster better communication.

Respecting Gen Z's Unique Lifestyle: Sleep Patterns and Independence

Discussing Gen Z's unconventional sleep patterns and their quest for independence, John proposes adapting to their lifestyle rather than enforcing outdated norms. Whether it's considering classes at unconventional hours or understanding their late-night habits, flexibility and respect are key.

Embracing Vulnerability and Respectful Conversations

The episode emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and respect in conversations with Gen Z. By sharing personal experiences and struggles, adults can connect with Gen Z on a deeper level, fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding.

Topics Covered in the Episode...

The dynamic relationship between mental health discussions and generational triggers
The educational benefits of video gaming for Gen Z
Understanding the role of "Finstas" in Gen Z’s social media use
Adapting to Gen Z’s sleep patterns and advocating for their independence
The power of vulnerability and respect in bridging generational divides

For anyone seeking to understand and connect with Generation Z, this episode offers valuable insights into their world, challenges, and the beauty of meaningful conversations.

Listen to this enlightening episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights on fostering positive relationships with the teenagers in your life.

Ep 247: The Surprising Benefits of an Idle Summer Jun 25, 2023

Pam Lobley, author of Why Can’t We Just Play?, tells the story of how she got her family’s summer schedule under control and created a stronger bond with her kids by embracing the notion of “doing nothing.”

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Full Show Notes

In today's fast-paced world, the life of a teenager often mirrors the hustle and bustle of adulthood. With a calendar filled to the brim with school, extracurricular activities, and social commitments, the notion of "free time" seems like a relic of the past. But what if the secret to balance, happiness, and creativity for our teens lies in embracing the art of doing nothing?

This week on Talking to Teens, we delve into a topic that's at once revolutionary and nostalgic: the profound impact of stepping back to a simpler time when kids had the freedom to play without agendas or supervision. Joining us is Pam Lobley, a comedic actress turned author, whose intriguing experiment and subsequent book, "Why Can't We Just Play," brings forth valuable insights for modern-day parents striving to raise well-rounded and resilient teenagers.

The Lost Art of Free Play

Pam shares the story of how a casual conversation and the visceral reaction of her own children to an over-scheduled life led her to conduct a summer-long experiment with her family, stepping back into the ideals of the 1950s. This was a time when kids had the license to be kids, roaming free, inventing games, and discovering the world at their pace. The experiment, though challenging in a world that equates busyness with productivity, revealed surprising benefits not only for her children but for Pam herself.

Facing Modern Parenting Pressures

In our discussion, we explore the societal pressures that compel us to keep our teens always "on the go." Pam elucidates how this relentless scheduling might stem from a place of love and fear of them falling behind, yet it strips away crucial developmental opportunities. Learning to embrace periods of unstructured time can be transformative for teenagers, providing them with space to cultivate imagination, independence, and problem-solving skills.

Letting Go of Control

One of the most poignant aspects of Pam's narrative is the realization of how relinquishing control can foster a sense of responsibility and autonomy in teenagers. By allowing her children the freedom to choose their activities and manage their boredom, Pam witnessed an evolution in how they approached their free time and tackled the inevitable challenges of growing up.

Navigating Judgement and Social Norms

Pam and I also discuss the inevitable scrutiny that comes with choosing a less conventional parenting path. She shares her strategies for maintaining conviction in her choices despite societal expectations and the judgment of peers. This segment is particularly enlightening for parents who may feel isolated in their desire to defy the "over-scheduled" status quo.

In the Episode…

Our conversation with Pam Lobley is brimming with anecdotes, reflections, and advice that urge parents to reconsider the merit of downtime in their teenager's lives. If you're curious about the impact of "doing nothing" and the potential it holds for nurturing happier, more imaginative teenagers, this episode is for you.

Also, don't miss discussions on:

The challenge of finding balance in a digitally saturated age.
Practical tips for instituting "free play" time in your family.
How to communicate the value of unstructured time to teenagers.
Long-term benefits of embracing a slower-paced childhood.

Give this thought-provoking episode a listen and discover the unexpected joys of allowing teens to sometimes do absolutely nothing. Subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into the art and science of parenting teenagers.

Ep 246: What to Say to Get Your Way Jun 18, 2023

Jonah Berger, author of Magic Words, teaches us techniques for what to say to get our way. An expert on influencing techniques, Dr Berger clues us in on the six types of language and which to use to get through to stubborn teens.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teens is no small feat, especially when it comes to communication. How often do parents find themselves at a loss for words, trying to guide, persuade, or connect with their ever-changing teenagers? Yet, what if the solution to improving these conversations was hidden in the very words we select? Today, we're exploring the potent impact of language on influencing and understanding your teenager.

In this enlightening episode, we're joined by Dr. Jonah Berger, a renowned expert in language and social influence. Jonah's research and his latest book, "Magic Words: What to Say to Get Your Way," shed light on how subtle changes in the words we choose can dramatically shift the outcomes of our interactions. His insights are particularly compelling for parents navigating the complex dynamics of teenage communication.

The Science of "Speak": Understanding Teenage Brains

Teenagers are complex. Their brains are rapidly developing, leading to unique patterns of thinking and communication. Jonah's framework, the “Speak” model, identifies key strategies grounded in this developmental understanding, helping parents harness the power of language effectively.

One powerful takeaway from our conversation is the transformation of actions into identities. Learn how framing requests or expectations in terms of identity ("be a helper" instead of "help") can motivate teens more effectively and shape their self-perception positively.

"Could" Versus "Should": Empowering Teen Decision-Making

The dilemma of "could" versus "should" in language illustrates how empowering teens to consider a range of possibilities, rather than imposing singular shoulds, can lead to more creative and autonomous decision-making. This approach fosters critical thinking and encourages resilience in facing challenges.

Jonah delves into the intriguing effects of verb tense and perspective on motivation and confidence, revealing that how we talk about the past, present, and future can inspire action and reduce anxiety in teenagers, paving the way for greater self-assurance and achievement.

Navigating Accusations and Responsibility with Care

The discussion also highlights the need for caution in using words like "you," which can inadvertently place blame or create resistance. Understanding this nuance is crucial for maintaining open lines of communication and avoiding unnecessary conflict.

Finally, Jonah discusses the balance between expressing certainty to convey confidence and showing uncertainty to foster connection and empathy. Parents can learn when and how to use each approach to strengthen their relationships with their teens.

In the Episode…

Don't miss these additional insights covered in our conversation with Jonah:

- Strategies for using language to build teen self-esteem
- The role of language in conflict resolution with teens
- How parents can model effective communication for their teens
- Tips for making routine conversations with teenagers more impactful

This episode is a treasure trove of wisdom for anyone looking to improve their communication with teenagers. Jonah Berger's research offers a new lens through which to view our everyday exchanges, making this a must-listen for parents, educators, and anyone who interacts with teens regularly.

Don't forget to share this episode and subscribe to "Talking to Teens." Join us next week for more insights on navigating the challenges and joys of raising teenagers.

Ep 245: The Dyslexic Advantage Jun 11, 2023

Dr. Brock and Dr. Fernette Eide, authors of The Dyslexic Advantage, delve into the intricacies of the dyslexic brain. We cover the incredible, though often hidden, strengths of a dyslexic brain, and advocating for better learning environments for all learners.

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Full Show Notes

Parenting a teenager who's facing learning challenges can sometimes feel like navigating an uncharted map—especially if your teen has been diagnosed with dyslexia. Traditional educational environments often spotlight the hurdles dyslexic students face, such as reading difficulties and slow processing speed. But what if we've been looking at dyslexia all wrong? What if, buried beneath the challenges, there lie incredible strengths and untapped potential?

This week on "Talking to Teens," we delve into a transformative conversation with Brock and Fernette Eide, leading experts in the field of dyslexia and authors of the international bestseller "The Dyslexic Advantage." Both doctors and co-founders of the nonprofit Dyslexic Advantage and the social purpose corporation Neuro Learning, Brock and Fernette bring a wealth of knowledge, research, and personal experience to our discussion. After encountering learning challenges within their own family, they embarked on a mission to understand dyslexia not just as a disability, but as a unique advantage in disguise.

Dyslexia: A Paradigm Shift

We kick things off by challenging the traditional narrative surrounding dyslexia. Far from a simple hindrance, Brock and Fernette illustrate how the dyslexic brain is wired differently, leading to unique strengths that manifest in creativity, three-dimensional thinking, and problem-solving. By understanding these strengths, we can begin to see dyslexia not as a deficit, but as a different kind of cognitive specialization.

Recognizing Hidden Talents

One of the key messages from our guests is the importance of recognizing and nurturing the creative potential in dyslexic teenagers. Too often, their talents can be overshadowed by academic struggles. Brock and Fernette share inspiring stories and research that emphasize the need for parents and educators to support dyslexic teens in discovering their passions and strengths, which may not always align with traditional school subjects.

Creating Supportive Environments

A central theme of our conversation is the critical role of supportive environments—both at home and in school—in unlocking the potential of teens with dyslexia. Brock and Fernette provide practical advice on advocating for accommodations and identifying schools or programs that appreciate the diverse talents within the dyslexic community. They highlight how understanding and empathy can make a profound difference in a teen's educational journey and self-esteem.

The Future is Bright

As we wrap up, our guests leave us with an empowering message: with the right approach and mindset, dyslexia can be a powerful asset. They remind us that many successful innovators, artists, and leaders have harnessed their dyslexic strengths to change the world. By embracing dyslexia's advantages, we can inspire our teens to do the same.

In this episode, we also explore:

- The neuroscience behind dyslexia's unique cognitive profile
- How dyslexia affects working memory and why it may contribute to creativity
- The importance of experiential learning for dyslexic individuals
- Strategies for managing academic challenges while fostering self-confidence

If you're looking to understand and support a dyslexic teenager in your life, this episode offers a refreshing perspective and actionable insights. Join us as Brock and Fernette Eide shine a light on "The Dyslexic Advantage" and how to nurture the incredible potential found within dyslexic minds.

Remember to subscribe to "Talking to Teens" for more invaluable insights into the world of parenting teenagers.

Ep 244: Financial Habits for Savvy Teens Jun 04, 2023

Berna Anat, author of Money Out Loud, helps us unpacks the tangle of personal finance and psychology to better understand our financial habits. It’s never too late to change money habits for the better and pass on healthy financial behaviors to our teens!

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today's complex financial landscape is no easy feat. With an abundance of conflicting advice and the unique challenges presented by the digital age, parents often find themselves unsure about how to approach money matters with their kids. This episode challenges the traditional wisdom around financial literacy and offers parents fresh, actionable strategies for discussing money with their teens.

This week, we're joined by Berna Anat, a financial literacy expert and the vibrant voice behind Money Out Loud. As the daughter of Philippine immigrants, Berna's own journey from silence to education about personal finance forms the bedrock of her approach to financial education. With a philosophy that stresses understanding your money story before attempting to rewrite it, Berna's insights are not just practical—they're transformative.

Understanding Your Money Story

It often begins with us—the parents. Berna encourages us to delve into our own experiences with money, acknowledging that our earliest influences shape our financial behaviors today. By confronting and understanding these narratives, we can model financial mindfulness and resilience for our teens, setting the stage for honest and productive discussions about money.

Budgeting Myths Busted

One-size-fits-all budgeting advice doesn't cut it anymore. Berna debunks the popular 50/30/20 budgeting rule and advocates for a more flexible, personalized approach to managing finances. She emphasizes experimentation and adjustment as the keys to finding a budgeting system that resonates with your family's unique needs and goals.

Strategic Credit Use

Berna unveils a lesser-known strategy for giving teens a jumpstart on building a healthy credit score, stressing the importance of evolving beyond scare tactics to a more nuanced understanding of credit. The episode breaks down how to introduce your teen to credit cards and loans in a way that empowers rather than intimidates.

Fostering Financial Empathy and Activism

Ultimately, our financial decisions ripple outwards, influencing not just our immediate family but the broader community and world. Berna discusses how to instill a sense of financial empathy and activism in teens, encouraging them to think critically about where their money goes and what it supports.

Key Takeaways:

- Insights into unpacking your personal money story and its impact on your parenting.
- Practical advice for moving beyond traditional budgeting norms to find what works for you and your teen.
- Strategies for introducing teens to credit in a responsible and empowering way.
- Ideas for nurturing financial empathy and activism in teens, encouraging them to make thoughtful, ethical financial choices.

Whether you're struggling to find the right way to talk about money with your teen or looking for ways to enhance their financial literacy, this episode offers valuable perspectives and actionable tips. Join us as Berna Anat shares her revolutionary approach to making financial education accessible, engaging, and effective for today's families.

Don't miss this episode—tune in and subscribe to Talking to Teens to stay updated on our latest episodes aimed at helping parents navigate the complexities of raising teenagers in today's world.

Ep 243: Raising Brave Teens May 28, 2023

Leon Logothetis, author of Go Be Brave, speaks about how bravery comes up in all aspects of life. We discuss the interplay of vulnerability, anger, and making peace when raising assured teens.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers is a complex journey filled with highs, lows, and the many moments in between. In today's fast-paced world, where authenticity often takes a backseat to social media facades, how can we encourage our teens to uncover and speak their truth? More importantly, as parents and guardians, how can we provide a safe space that nurtures their bravery and authentic selves?

In this enlightening episode of "Talking to Teens," we delve into these pressing questions and more with the inspirational Leon Logothetis, a global adventurer, motivational speaker, philanthropist, and the author behind the empowering book, "Go Be Brave: 24 and Three Quarters Adventures for a Fearless, Wiser, and Truly Magnificent Life." Leon's journey from a London broker to a world explorer relying on the kindness of strangers is a testament to the power of embracing one’s true self and the courage it takes to step into the unknown.

Leon shares insights on why teenagers, more than any other age group, may find it particularly challenging to be authentic and the hurdles they face in voicing their needs and emotions. He stresses the importance of creating a safe environment for teens to express themselves, even when it involves anger or frustration, and provides practical advice on how to facilitate these crucial conversations at home.

Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity

Leon emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in both teens and their parents. By sharing our own journeys, including the struggles, we can demonstrate to our teens that it's alright not to have everything figured out and that authenticity is more valuable than perfection.

The Safe Expression of Anger

Learn why Leon believes that expressing anger is not only inevitable but necessary for emotional development, and discover techniques to ensure these expressions are safe and constructive. This part of the conversation is especially enlightening for parents navigating the tumultuous teenage years.

Adventures in Bravery

Leon introduces the concept of "adventures in bravery" — practical, actionable steps teens (and adults) can take to challenge their comfort zones and grow in confidence. These adventures serve as a blueprint for embracing life's uncertainties with a brave heart.

Encouraging Open Communication

One of the episode's highlights is the discussion on fostering an environment of open communication. Leon shares strategies for parents to listen actively and respond empathetically, ensuring teens feel heard, validated, and, most importantly, understood.

In this episode, we also cover:

- The psychology behind why teens find it hard to express themselves.
- Tips for parents on modeling vulnerability.
- The importance of owning our mistakes and learning from them.
- How to support your teen in choosing their path while encouraging bravery and authenticity.

Leon's story and insights offer a refreshing perspective on parenting teens in today's complex world. His emphasis on truth, bravery, and kindness as foundations for a fulfilling life resonates throughout our conversation, providing listeners with invaluable guidance on nurturing these values in their teenagers.

Join us as Leon Logothetis inspires us to create deeper connections with our teens through understanding, courage, and, most importantly, love. Don't miss out on this transformative episode that may just change the way you think about parenting in the modern age.

Listen to the episode and subscribe to "Talking to Teens" for more invaluable insights on nurturing resilience, bravery, and authenticity in our teenagers.

Ep 242: What Kind of Parent Do You Want to Be? May 21, 2023

Rachel Rider, author of Who You Are Is How You Lead, talks about getting in touch with how we want to show up for others. We discuss the power of self-regulation and somatic experiencing to help parents break free of ingrained patterns of interacting with their teens.

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Full Show Notes

Parenting teenagers often feels like navigating through a maze without a map. Whether it's constant reminders left unheeded, feelings of being underappreciated, or simply a disconnect in communication, many parents find themselves trapped in a cycle of unproductive patterns with their teenagers. But what if the secret to breaking these cycles begins with looking inward?

In today's episode of Talking to Teens, we are exploring the power of self-awareness and transformation in parenting. Our habits, responses, and interactions with our teenagers often stem from deeper, unacknowledged patterns within us. But how do we begin to recognize these patterns, and more importantly, how can we change them?

We're joined by Rachel Rider, an executive coach and the creator of the MetaWorks Method, a transformative process that promotes radical ease, spaciousness, and meaningful change in leadership and relationships. Rachel, also the author of "Who You Are Is How You Lead," brings her extensive insight into how parents can apply her methodology to foster a deeper connection with their teenagers.

Understanding Your Internal Drivers

The journey to transformative parenting begins with understanding your internal drivers—your deepest motivations for why you parent the way you do. Rachel shares how identifying these drivers can illuminate the patterns that govern our interactions with our teens. By aligning our parenting approach with our core desires and values, we can begin to interact with our teenagers in more meaningful and fulfilling ways.

Recognizing and Disrupting Patterns

Patterns in parenting aren't just about what we do; they're deeply tied to how we feel and react in certain situations. Rachel discusses how becoming aware of our physical responses and the thoughts that arise in challenging moments can reveal the patterns we need to address. Disrupting these patterns isn't about immediate change but about creating space to explore what drives our reactions and how we can approach situations differently.

Fostering Connection through Transformation

The final piece of transforming our parenting approach involves nurturing new habits grounded in awareness and self-regulation. Rachel provides practical advice for parents on how to introduce change in their interactions with their teenagers, emphasizing the importance of patience, self-compassion, and ongoing reflection in the process.

In The Episode...

Our conversation with Rachel is packed with insights and actionable advice. Some additional topics we cover include:

- The role of self-regulation in effective parenting
- How internal conflicts can influence our reactions to our teenagers
- Practical steps for identifying and changing unhelpful parenting patterns
- The importance of aligning your parenting approach with your internal drivers
- Tips for fostering a deep and meaningful connection with your teenager

Rachel's approach to transforming parenting dynamics offers a fresh perspective on the challenges many parents face. By focusing on internal drivers and patterns, we can create a more fulfilling and connected family environment.

Don't miss this enlightening discussion on how self-awareness and transformation can revolutionize the way you parent. Remember, the journey to better parenting begins with you. Listen to the episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into navigating the complex world of parenting teenagers.

Ep 241: Lonely? Master the Art of Social Gatherings May 14, 2023

Nick Gray, author of The Two Hour Cocktail Party, shares his journey from a shy person with social anxiety to building a robust social network. We discuss how to turn your house into a gathering place for your teen and their friends.

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Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers often means your life becomes a rush of school runs, sports practices, and music recitals, leaving little room for your own social life. It's a challenge faced by many parents, where balancing personal and parental duties often leans heavily towards the latter. But what if you could reclaim your social life without sacrificing your parental responsibilities? What if there was a way to model positive social behaviors for your teens while enriching your network of friendships?

This week, we dive into the art of maintaining and even flourishing your social life as you navigate the journey of parenting teenagers. Our compass for this expedition? None other than Nick Gray, a renowned author and the mind behind the transformative concept detailed in his book, "The Two-Hour Cocktail Party."

Nick has sculpted a niche in social generosity and connectivity, transforming his insights into actionable steps for adults seeking to build meaningful relationships amidst their busy lives. His expertise isn't just about throwing parties; it's about weaving the fabric of a community, one gathering at a time. Nick's principles extend beyond mere recreational gatherings, offering a beacon for parents to exemplify balanced life lessons to their teens.

Forging Connections Through Hosting

Nick's approach demystifies the daunting task of hosting, breaking it down into manageable, step-by-step actions. By fostering environments where new connections thrive, parents can showcase the power of community and the importance of nurturing relationships. Nick reveals the secret sauce to his hosting formula, emphasizing the blend of structure and spontaneity that makes gatherings memorable and impactful.

The Power of the Two-Hour Party

Why two hours, and why on a weekday? Nick delves into the psychology behind the timing, explaining how constraint fosters both anticipation and participation. This format not only respects the busy schedules of attendees but also emphasizes quality interactions over quantity. It’s a lesson in respecting boundaries and making the most of the time we share with others—valuable lessons for teenagers watching their parents lead by example.

Modeling Social Skills for Teenagers

One of the silent benefits of embracing Nick’s hosting philosophy is the indirect mentoring parents provide to their teenagers. As teens observe their parents navigate social planning, inclusive conversations, and the art of welcoming diverse groups of people into their homes, they absorb critical life skills. From icebreakers to closing conversations, these gatherings become live demonstrations of emotional intelligence in action.

Topics Covered in the Episode:

- Why parents should prioritize their social lives alongside their parenting duties
- The unexpected advantages of hosting weekday gatherings
- Using icebreakers to create a welcoming atmosphere and stimulate engaging conversations
- Tips for creating an inclusive environment that encourages new connections
- How parents hosting parties can serve as role models for their teens, teaching them valuable social skills

Nick's insights are a reminder of the joy and fulfillment that come from nurturing our social lives, even in the midst of parenting.

Discover more about Nick and his work at https://nickgray.net/ Don't miss this invigorating discussion on how to balance being a great parent with being a great friend and community member. Tune in, gather some tips for your next two-hour cocktail party, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightening conversations.

Ep 240: The Perfectionist’s Guide to Parenting May 07, 2023

Katherine Morgan Schafler, author of The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, busts myths on perfectionism. Many people wear perfectionism as a badge of honor, but in reality it is a maladaptive behavior that can make parenting more difficult than it already is!

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Today's show contains a discussion on suicide. If you or a loved one is in crisis, please call the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800)-273-TALK or (800) 273-8255. You can also text them via Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741). All services are free, confidential and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Full Show Notes

Raising teenagers in today's success-oriented society often pushes both parents and teens towards a relentless pursuit of perfection. Whether it's academic achievements, extracurricular activities, or social standing, the pressure to excel and maintain a 'perfect' image is ever-present. But what if the chase for perfection is doing more harm than good? And how do we differentiate between healthy ambition and harmful perfectionism?

This week on Talking to Teens, we're delving into the world of perfectionism, balance, and the pressures faced by teenagers today. We are joined by Katherine Morgan Schafler, a seasoned therapist, speaker, and the insightful author of "The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power". Katherine brings to the table a wealth of experience from her time as an on-site therapist at Google, and a deep understanding of the patterns of perfectionism observed in both the digital and real world.

The Nuances of Perfectionism

Katherine helps us unravel the often misunderstood concept of perfectionism. Far from being solely detrimental, perfectionism, according to Schafler, can be divided into adaptive and maladaptive categories. We explore how to recognize the signs of each and the two critical questions to constantly ask ourselves and our teens: "How are you striving?" and "Why are you striving?"

Redefining Balance

Our conversation also tackles the modern notion of 'balance' and how it has morphed into an unrealistic expectation of excelling simultaneously in all areas of life. Katherine proposes a refreshing perspective on achieving balance - hint: it involves doing less, not more.

The Power of Language in Suicide Prevention

One of the most poignant parts of our discussion centers around the sensitive subject of suicide - a leading cause of death among teenagers. Katherine highlights the importance of direct and open communication, and shares the "life-saving question" parents should not shy away from asking.

Embracing Wholeness and Compassion

Lastly, we dive into the concept of 'perfection' from its etymological roots, asserting that being 'perfect' is about embracing our complete selves, flaws included. We also tackle the challenge of fostering self-compassion in teenagers, an essential tool for navigating the ups and downs of adolescence with resilience.

In this Episode...

- Distinguishing between adaptive and maladaptive forms of perfectionism
- Understanding the real meaning of balance and how to achieve it
- The importance of direct communication in suicide prevention among teens
- Encouraging self-compassion and the acceptance of one's whole self in teenagers
- Practical tips for parents to assist their teens in healthy striving and self-acceptance

If you're navigating the complex journey of raising a teenager, seeking to understand the delicate balance between encouraging ambition and fostering well-being, this episode is for you. We delve deep into how to guide our teenagers towards a healthier, more compassionate approach to their personal and academic ambitions.

Listen to the episode to gain valuable insights into nurturing a balanced, perfectionism-aware household and subscribe to "Talking to Teens" for more guidance on the art and science of parenting teenagers.

Ep 239: How to Be A Drama Free Family Apr 30, 2023

Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Drama Free, chats with us about how to break free from family drama and unhealthy relationship dynamics. We discuss practical tools for a variety of topics such as codependency, control battles, favoritism, and more!

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full Show Notes

Slammed doors, shouting, and angry tears—sometimes, it feels like every situation with our teens explodes into a dramatic outburst.

This week I sat down with expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. No one’s family is perfect, but there are tools for managing the imperfections in our families—and Nedra is here to help us! We cover how to start disengaging from family drama, and Nedra offers insights on how parents can create healthier relationships with their teenagers and between their teen and their teen’s siblings.

One of the main topics we discuss is the impact of a parent's own upbringing on their relationships. Many of the wounds we carry from childhood can resurface in our relationships as adults, and it's essential to understand how these patterns can impact our parenting style. Tawwab notes that by reflecting on our own experiences and emotions, we can develop a more self-aware and empathetic approach to parenting. As parents, once we’re aware of our own mental and emotional programming, we can make a conscious effort to break old patterns.

From codependency to favoritism to control battles, there’s a lot to cover this episode, so buckle up!

Codependency

Nedra and I talked about an issue that often flies under the radar because it’s not always so easily identifiable: codependency. Codependency is a term that has been around since the 1980s, but its meaning has evolved over time. Tawwab explains that codependency can manifest in many forms of dysfunctional patterns within a person, including emotional neglect or over-involvement in a sibling's life.

As parents, it's vital to recognize when we are being codependent in our relationships. Nedra explained to me that when our children are young, it’s easy to fall into codependency patterns—they need us, of course we put off our needs. And, when kids are young, it’s rewarding to help fulfill their needs.

But when our kids become teenagers, if we still tend to choose their needs over our own, it becomes more obvious that we’re codependent because parents reap different “rewards.” Instead of coos and smiles and hugs, we might receive mumbled “thanks” or “cool,” before our teen grabs the special lunch we made them and heads out the door.

If there is a codependency pattern, teens may learn their parents will take care of everything for them—from laundry to homework to college admission applications, and maybe, teens might assume, paying their phone, rent, and utilities bill through and after college!

Nedra suggests parents should also be on the lookout for codependency between siblings. It can be easy for an older sibling to take care of their younger sibling—sometimes it’s just faster if the older sibling does the chore or ties their siblings shoes. If parents notice this, they should intervene. They can ask their teen why they feel they need to help their younger sibling so much, and bring up codependency with their teen if it feels relevant.

To prevent codependency in relationships with our teens, we can create boundaries that allow our teenagers to learn and grow through their experiences. We might also have to create boundaries so siblings do not become codependent as well. At first it might be uncomfortable and our teens will struggle. But they will be able to adapt. Parents may have to watch their teen stumble and fail sometimes, but it is important for a parent’s own well-being to stop codependent patterns from becoming permanent. To break free from codependency, Tawwab suggests coaching teens rather than doing things for them, and letting them make their own mistakes to learn and grow.

Favoritism

Nedra and I also discussed the somewhat taboo subject of favoritism, and its effects on family dynamics. Favoritism can manifest in various ways, from subtle differences in attention and to overt displays of partiality, such as giving one child more privileges or resources than others. It can be unintentional or deliberate, but its impact on siblings can be profound. When one child feels favored over another, it can lead to feelings of jealousy, resentment, and low self-esteem in the less-favored child, while the favored child may develop a sense of grandiosity and a lack of empathy towards siblings and peers.

It’s not shameful to have “favorites”—every child is different and some parents will find it easier to bond with one of their kids than the other. And certainly, as our kids grow and change, dynamics will shift. Maybe we spend more time with our older child lately because the younger sibling is so involved in her travel basketball. However, these dynamics, if not brought up by parents with their kids, can come across as favoring one sibling over another.

Tawwab suggests that parents need to be mindful of how they treat each child and ensure that our teens feel they are being treated equally. Avoid making comparisons between siblings and focus on their individual strengths and their contributions to the family dynamic. By acknowledging and addressing favoritism, parents can mitigate harm from it and promote healthy sibling relationships, rather than competition between siblings.

To promote equality among siblings, parents can set aside time to be one-on-one with each kid, either sharing a meal, a hobby, participating in an activity, or just being together.

In the Episode…

In the episode, Nedra and I also touched on several other important topics, including:

tips for sticking to our boundaries, even if it's uncomfortable or inconvenient
how to handle battles for control
establish healthy boundaries around screen time and tech
helping teens manage their emotions through validating the emotion
the benefits of therapy and coaching for parents and teenagers alike

Overall, the episode provides a wealth of valuable insights and advice for parents raising teenagers. By applying these principles in their own lives, parents can create a more harmonious and drama-free family environment that supports their teenagers' growth and development.

Ep 238: The Advantages of Being a Beginner Apr 23, 2023

Tom Vanderbilt, author of Beginners, discusses with us how parents can inspire their teenagers to be more confident in trying new things by being lifelong learners themselves. Turns out, being an expert beginner has its advantages!

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

As parents, it's easy to get into a rut of only doing things we're already good at, or activities we've been doing for years. Yet our teens are essentially beginners at everything. And sometimes it becomes difficult to encourage them to try new things. Being a beginner can get old quickly—it’s hard work!

One of the biggest challenges parents may face is encouraging their teenager to step outside of their comfort zone. It's easy to get stuck in routines and habits, and teenagers are no exception. The problem is that this can lead to a lack of confidence in trying new things and can hinder their long-term growth and development. This can leave parents—who maybe haven’t been beginners in a long time—unsure of how to best help their teens.

To understand this, I spoke this week with Tom Vanderbilt, author ofBeginners: The Joy and Transformative Power of Lifelong Learning. As a parent himself, Tom found that he was spending a lot of time on the sidelines watching his daughter try new things and learn new skills. It wasn't until he realized that he wasn't doing the same for himself that he decided to become a beginner again. This sparked his journey into exploring the benefits of being a beginner and how it can positively impact parenting.

In our interview, Tom points out it’s important for parents to get out of their ruts and try new things because they are the primary role models for their teenagers. If parents are stuck in their own ways and not willing to try new things, it sends a message to their teens that it's okay to do the same. On the other hand, if parents are willing to step out of their comfort zones and try new things, it shows their teens that it's never too late to learn and grow.

Tom suggests a handful of perspectives and outlooks parents can try to help their teens try new things. First, embrace being a beginner. As parents, sometimes it feels like we have to have all the answers for our kids. But it's okay to not know everything and be a beginner. In fact, embracing being a beginner can be a positive experience for both parents and their teenagers. It can help parents model resilience and perseverance when faced with challenges, and show their teens that it's okay to struggle with something new.

Secondly, Tom says parents can use being a beginner as an opportunity to bond with their teenagers. Taking on challenges together can be a fun and rewarding experience for both parties, and can help parents and teens build stronger relationships. It can also help parents understand the challenges their teenagers face when trying new things, and provide a supportive environment for them to grow and learn. Plus, mustering through a challenge together can create lasting memories and missteps to laugh about together later.

Being a beginner is not only important for personal growth but also for parenting. By embracing being a beginner and taking on challenges together, parents can inspire their teenagers to be more confident in trying new things and can build stronger relationships with them.

In the interview, we also discussed several other topics, including:

The advantages of the beginner’s mindset
The importance of the process over the outcome when learning something new
Why college students are like kindergartners
How to leverage a growth mindset to overcome fear of failure

It was so fun speaking with Tom, and a blast to learn from Beginners of all kinds in his book! To follow along with what Tom is up to, check out links in his bio. Thanks for listening and we’ll catch you next week.

Ep 237: Visible and Invisible Differences Apr 16, 2023

Meg Zucker, author of Born Extraordinary, busts myths about visible and invisible differences. She offers up language for how to speak to our teens about inclusivity and tips for parenting kids with differences.

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Full show notes

Many parents want their teens to be compassionate citizens who care about people of all kinds. Others might Yet, it can be difficult to advise our teen on how to interact with people who are visibly different from us. We know people with differences are just as capable as anyone, yet sometimes it’s hard not to focus on the difference until that is all there is. We know there is more to someone than their difference—but how do we do better?

To help us understand how to speak with our teens about differences, we spoke with Meg Zucker, author of the new book Born Extraordinary: Empowering Children with Differences and Disabilities. Meg is the founder and president of Don't Hide It, Flaunt It, a nonprofit with the mission of advancing understanding and mutual respect for people's differences. She was born with a genetic condition called ectrodactyly, and has one finger on each hand, shortened forearms and one toe on each misshapen foot. Her two sons have the same condition and her adopted daughter has her own invisible differences.

Meg, through parenting with her husband, running her non-profit, her own experiences, and in researching for her book, has become an expert in all things differences—visible and invisible. She offers new insights into sticking points for people with differences and how everyone can think differently about differences.

The Urge to Help

Meg explains that, above all, we should keep in mind people with differences are people. People with differences are usually just as capable as ourselves, and often have already figured out how to navigate the world with their differences. She often has to field strangers asking if she needs help doing normal, everyday activities, like putting groceries in her cart, zipping up her coat, or opening doors.

Meg wants others to know people with differences may struggle navigating certain aspects of life, but that they have a sense of pride to do it themselves, just like we do. Questioning “What should I do?” suggests we have to do something at all. Meg says this isn’t the best way to go about it. Sometimes the notion we have to do something, is to soothe our own feelings of discomfort or awkwardness about someone’s difference.

The best way to interact with someone who has a difference is to first treat them as you would any person. Next, follow their lead. People with differences (or, all people for that matter) are living in their own version of normal, and so, they don't expect anyone to do anything. People living with differences aren’t constantly thinking about their differences—it’s not on their minds.

Meg offers this advice for helping someone with a difference: observe first. It might seem a little creepy, but often after a moment, the person struggling will often figure it out. Take a breath before you are, what Meg labels a “Mighty Mouse” and say ask yourself, "Let me see if that person actually needs it." Usually, a person is ready for help when they start looking around for help.

We can speak with our teens about this exact situation, and offer them Meg’s simple guidance for helping people with differences.

The Pitfalls of Rules on How to Treat People

At the same time, Meg encourages parents not to make ordinances about how to treat people with differences. When parents give their teens orders about how to treat others with differences, it takes away their inherent drive to be kind to others. Instead of a “could,” being kind becomes a “should,” and teens may resent being kind because it is not out of their own volition.

And people on the receiving end of obligatory kindness don’t want to be resented.

As an example of what she means, Meg shares a story about her son who was feeling down after his soccer teammates didn’t slap his hand after a game. He told his mom he believed the cause was how his hand looked. “They didn’t want to touch me,” he lamented. As heartbreaking as it was, Meg helped her son to see it in a different way. There could be many reasons why the other kids hesitated to slap his hand. Maybe they thought it would hurt him, or they didn’t want to draw attention to it, or they were just surprised. She suggested he make a game of it, and see how many slaps he got after the second game.

Sure enough, her son exchanged some hand slaps with about half of his teammates after the next game, and varying numbers the rest of the season.

If Meg had complained to the coach and insisted everyone always slap her son’s hand, she would have put her son in a position to receive resentment rather than genuine kindness. Similarly, if a parent makes a rule that their teen must always concede to a person with differences' demands, the teen may grow to have less empathy for people with differences as an adult.

In the Episode…

My conversation with Meg gave me so much to think about in how society views people with differences and how parents can raise inclusive teens who see the person before the difference. Meg and cover a lot of ground including:

the importance of showing our non-different kids just as much love and attention
how people with differences can embrace being an everyday hero
raising kids with differences, both visible and invisible
mitigating media influence on how we think about differences

I hope you enjoy listening to my discussion with Meg as much as I enjoyed speaking with her! Check the links in Meg’s bio for where to follow her and her work!

Ep 236: Navigating the Tween Years Apr 09, 2023

Michelle Mitchell joins us once again for a deep dive into the tween years—the topic of her new book Tweens. We explore cognitive development, body development, and the common skirmishes parents with tweens might face.
It can be jarring to raise a tween. One day they are our cuddly kids, and the next day they seem to want nothing to do with us! They start saying our jokes are lame, our style is dated, and we just “don’t get it.”

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Full show notes

The tween years can be a contentious time for both parents and tweens. Our kids are taking the first steps into adulthood, and as scary as it might be for parents, for tweens it might feel awkward, uncomfortable, and lonely. Their bodies are changing and so are their brains. Tweens, in addition to developing more complex thinking, start experimenting with who they are. Hence why they might seem wildly different month to month, day to day, hour to hour! Tweens might argue more as the desire for autonomy peaks, and they might even practice lying.

But it’s also an incredible experience for parents: they are witness to the extraordinary process of a young person figuring out who they are in the world.

To help us untangle the confounding changes happening in the tween years, we’re joined by Michelle Mitchell, author of the new book Tweens: What Kids Need Now, Before the Teenage Years. Michelle Mitchell is an educator, author, and award-winning speaker who has conducted extensive research, surveying over 1,600 parents and 600 tweens, for her latest book. (We’ve spoken with her a few times before on the show about self harm and puberty.)

In our conversation, Michelle walks me through the transition in tweens thinking, as well as how to talk to tweens about their emotions, confidence, same sex attraction, technology, body image, and lying. We will also explore how tweens and parents think differently about friends, plus the differences between concrete and complex thinking in tweens and how to support tweens in their cognitive development.

Spiking Autonomy

The tween years for most kids are defined by a heightened desire for autonomy which might show up as more arguments, more omissions, and a general pull away from family life and toward other social groups. Fortunately, the need for autonomy peaks around age fourteen—it won’t last forever, and by keeping lines of communication with our tweens open, we can lessen the growing pains of autonomy.

Michelle offers some insights she gleaned during research for the book to ease tensions caused by heightened need for autonomy. Michelle reminds us tweens are still looking for guidance from adults, but they might feel awkward about asking us. Just because a tween doesn’t ask their parents questions, doesn’t mean they don’t have any!

Michelle shares with us the most commonly asked questions from tweens in conversations about puberty and sex—two topics the tweens she spoke with felt most uncomfortable about. Many tweens feel awkward about topics related to their own developing bodies. In knowing ahead of time what questions our tweens might have, parents can be prepared to bring up the topics if their teen doesn’t.

At the same time, tweens will inevitably ask questions that parents might find awkward, basic, or uncomfortable. It's important to approach our curious tweens with compassion. Kids need to be taken seriously and given room to ask their questions free from judgment. Otherwise, parents risk sending the message that they can only handle certain topics of conversation.

Keeping Communication Flowing

The tween years are full of experimentation with who one is and, let’s face it, a lot of self-consciousness! This increased wariness about others’ opinions, could mean teens share less with their parents for fear of being judged. And clamming up and self-isolating for people in general, but particularly with tweens, can lead to mental health issues beyond normal feelings of loneliness, anxiety, or sadness.

If a tween comes to us with a big emotional claim, Michelle emphasizes the importance of validating tweens’ emotions. Even when a tween’s feelings seem out of proportion, validating and then seeking to understand how they’re feeling proves you can be trusted to listen without judgment. (Moreover, this approach helps tweens build their confidence in their own abilities to handle their emotions.)

Michelle additionally emphasizes the importance of creating a supportive environment to encourage tweens’ exploration of who they are. Tweens are beginning to compare themselves to others more often and might give up on pursuits if they don’t feel they are the best at a skill.

For example, maybe a teen really loves musical theater—but they couldn’t carry a tune if it was given to them in a bucket. We could encourage a teen to consider other ways to be involved in musical theater besides being on stage. There is set design, directing, music composition, theater management, box office ticketing—any could be an avenue for exploring what lights them up. By encouraging our tweens to stay curious and explore different opportunities, we can help tweens find their budding passions and unique superpowers.

When speaking with your tween or teen about their interests, Michelle notes that this generation holds high values of diversity and inclusion. Parents are wise to keep an open mind and ask their teen why they are drawn to specific pursuits, before jumping to conclusions about if it’s good, bad, distracting or worthwhile. Tweens might act tougher than they used to, but they still have their child-self inside.

In the Episode…

As usual, I had a great time chatting with Michelle! It was wonderful to have her on again and learn from her expertise.

We covered a range of topics in the interview for a bird’s eye view of what the tween years might look for. In addition to speaking about autonomy, communication, and emotional maturity, we also discussed:

How to communicate limits around technology
Tween’s unique forgetfulness when it comes to staying safe
How to help your teen with body confidence
Why tweens need their family’s unconditional love (even if they say they don’t!)

Thanks so much for tuning into this week’s episode and for more Michelle Mitchell, you can find her on her website, and on her other discussions with me on the podcast! We’ll see you next week!

Ep 235: The Hidden Power of High Sensitivity Apr 02, 2023

Jenn Granneman, author of Sensitive, chats with us about recognizing and connecting with our highly sensitive teens. We cover how to help sensitive teens better manage feelings of overwhelm and the right way to nudge them beyond their comfort zone.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

When a teen slams a door after not getting their way, or bursts into tears at a throwaway comment, parents might feel like every interaction with their teen ends in hysterics. Other times parents might worry their sensitive teen will have trouble making friends or being in groups because they are easily overwhelmed. But sensitivity, shyness, and introversion are not flaws.

It can be difficult for parents to see their teen struggling with sensitivity. They may feel frustrated or helpless, not knowing how to help their child. It can also be difficult for them to relate to their child's experience if they themselves are more extroverted and don't fully understand what it's like to be shy or introverted.

Children who are sensitive may be at higher risk for anxiety and depression, and may struggle with social skills throughout their lives if they don't receive proper support. It's important for parents to help their child build confidence and develop social skills, not just for their immediate well-being but for their long-term success and happiness.

To understand more about this topic, we spoke with Jenn Granneman, co-author of the book Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World, and founder of Introvert, Dear, a website and community for introverts. Jenn is an introvert herself and has struggled with shyness and social anxiety throughout her life. She has dedicated her career to helping other introverts embrace their true selves and thrive in a world that can sometimes feel overwhelming to them.

Introverted, or Just Shy?

To better understand shyness and introversion, Jenn Granneman explains the difference between the two. While shyness is a fear of social judgment, introversion is a preference for solitude and reflection. Jenn notes that shyness is often seen as a negative trait, but she argues that it is simply a personality trait like any other. However, shyness can lead to negative consequences such as missing out on opportunities and feeling isolated.

Introversion, on the other hand, is often misunderstood as being shy, but it is not the same thing. Introverts can be confident and social, but they simply prefer to spend time alone or in small groups. Jenn notes that society often values extroversion over introversion, which can lead to introverts feeling like they don't fit in or are not as valued.

Jenn emphasizes that shyness and introversion are not things that need to be "fixed" or "cured." Rather, it's important to understand and accept these traits in ourselves and others. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive and understanding society.

To help parents understand their shy or introverted children, Jenn suggests paying attention to their child's behavior and respecting their boundaries. She notes that introverted children may need more alone time to recharge, while shy children may need more encouragement and support to face their fears.

Supporting a Sensitive Child

Supporting a sensitive child can be challenging, but there are ways to help them thrive. By validating your child's feelings, creating a safe environment, teaching coping strategies, and seeking outside support when needed, parents can help their sensitive children thrive and lead fulfilling lives.

First, it's important to validate their feelings and let them know it's okay to be sensitive. This can help them feel accepted and understood, which can boost their confidence. Creating a safe and comfortable environment at home is also crucial. Sensory-sensitive children may need a quiet space to relax, while socially-sensitive children may benefit from smaller social settings. It's important to respect your child's boundaries and not force them to do things that make them uncomfortable.

Parents can also help their sensitive children develop coping strategies, such as deep breathing, visualization, and positive self-talk. Encouraging creative outlets, such as art or writing, can also be helpful for self-expression.

Finally, it's important to seek outside support when necessary. A therapist or counselor can work with your child to develop coping mechanisms and build self-esteem, while support groups can provide a community of like-minded individuals who can offer advice and encouragement.

In the Episode…

I learned so much from my conversation with Jenn, and as an introvert I came away from our conversation with a better idea of my own needs as well as those of sensitive teens. In our conversation we also discuss:

How to utilize loving detachment
The different types of sensitivity
What a relationship deficit
The right time to push a sensitive out of their comfort zone

If you enjoyed Jenn’s contributions as much as I, you can find her on social media as well as her two websites, Introvert Dear and Sensitive Refuge.

Ep 234: The Emotional Lives of Teenagers Mar 26, 2023

Lisa Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, joins us to illuminate what's going on in kids’ heads when they're emotional. We talk about why teens sometimes seem to act irrationally, how we can teach them coping strategies, and what we can say when they’re shutting us out.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Teens are dealing with a lot–impending adulthood, changing bodies, rigorous schoolwork and a complicated social scene–it’s no wonder they’re emotional! As parents, it can be hard to help them manage all the ups and downs, especially when teens are screaming at us or locking their bedroom doors.

This week, we're talking all about teen emotions: how to help them learn coping strategies, why they might be lashing out, and what’s really going on in their heads when they’re making mountains out of molehills.

Joining us is psychologist and author Lisa Damour, to talk about her recent book,The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents. Lisa has been recognized as a thought leader by the American Psychological Association, cohosts the Ask Lisa podcast, writes about adolescence for the New York Times, appears as a regular contributor at CBS News, and maintains her own clinical practice!

In our interview, we’re talking about the two different kinds of reasoning teens apply when making a decision, gendered differences in teen’s emotional coping mechanisms, and how we can connect with kids, even when it seems like they want nothing to do with us.

Hot vs. Cold Reasoning

In the episode, Lisa explains how teens typically oscillate between two kinds of reasoning. Cold reasoning occurs when teens are using their logical rational mind to make a decision, while hot thinking typically refers to their thought process when they’re in emotionally or socially charged situations. While they may reach one conclusion when they’re using cold reasoning, that conclusion might just fly out the window when a situation gets much more emotional or social.

For example, teens often tell us they’re not going to drink or smoke, that they’re going to stay in and study, that they’re not going to waste time dating someone when they want to focus on the future. But later, when they’re at a party or riding in a car with their friends or seeing their crush at a social gathering….they might not make the same choice they swore by earlier! For teens whose brains are still developing and who often make decisions based on social pressures, these two kinds of thinking often end up in conflict with one another.

To make sure teens stick to their rational decisions, Lisa suggests we present them with the hot situation while they’re still in a cold state of mind. Try walking them through the whole party scenario while you’re alone together in the kitchen, hours before the party starts. Doing this can help ensure that your teen will still behave rationally when they’re placed in an emotionally, socially charged situation.

Teens don’t just need strong reasoning to handle the perils of high school, they also need to know how to cope when things go awry. Lisa and I are talking about how we teens tend to fall into gendered patterns of coping, and how we can help them find more effective methods.

Cultivating Better Coping Mechanisms

From a young age, kids are often conditioned to follow certain practices for emotional management, and typically these are shaped by their gender, says Lisa. Boys are taught to push through tough times by using distractions like sports, video games or work. Girls are typically taught to use their words to describe what they’re going through, and are socialized to have a vocabulary to describe emotions. This leads to patterns later in life: boys acting out or hurting others to cope, girls developing conditions like depression and anxiety, Lisa explains.

Boys are also often struggling with self esteem during puberty, as girls are typically developing faster. This applies to both minds and their bodies, with girls often beating boys out in the classroom as well as in sports. This can be tough on boys' self esteem, and is often the reason why they’re so mean to girls. Lisa even explains that this frustration in boys can often lead to the earliest occurrences of things like sexual harassment and assault.

To fix these complicated gender discrepancies, Lisa explains how we can help kids develop healthy coping mechanisms and self esteem. For boys, a sense of value in adolescence can come from doing service work or cultivating a skill. For kids of all genders, music can be a healthy way to both work through and escape from the tough feelings of teenage life. As parents, we might want to just jump in and solve problems for our kids, but Lisa explains that we’ve got to help them learn to manage their feelings on their own.

If we want teens to learn to handle their emotions, we’ve got to get through to them first! Lisa and I talk in the episode about how we can connect to teens, even when they seem to want nothing to do with us.

Teaching Emotional Management

Sometimes it seems like everything we do is annoying to our kids, no matter how hard we try! This is because kids are starting to develop their own brand and identity, says Lisa. They still think that we reflect on them, and therefore when we do something that contradicts the personality they’ve created for themselves, they’re frustrated. Alternatively, they get annoyed when we do something that’s similar to the brand they’re trying to cultivate, because they want to separate themselves from us as much as possible!

It can be endlessly frustrating to deal with this constant teen angst, but Lisa reminds us that it’s not always as personal as it feels. She explains how we can provide teens with a few options: being nice to us, being polite to us or simply just having space. She explains that providing these options often prompts teens to think about what they actually want, and can help the two of you communicate instead of just bickering.

In the episode, Lisa explains how we can also work on our listening skills–so when teens do decide to open up, we can be ready for them. She describes a method she often practices with her own teenage daughters, in which she plays the role of an editor and acts as though teens are reporters. Instead of interjecting while they’re speaking to immediately offer up advice, she listens to their entire spiel, and then offers up her best attempt at summarizing everything they just said, like a headline. This shows teens you’re listening and trying to understand, instead of just throwing advice their way.

In the Episode…

There’s lots of great insights in this week’s interview with Lisa! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why teens need negative feelings
How adolescence can heighten emotions
Why teens want to talk late at night
How to get teens to actually listen to your advice

If you enjoyed this week's episode, you can find more from Lisa at Dr. Lisadamour.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 233: The Opioid Crisis: What Parents Need to Know Mar 19, 2023

Holly Geyer, author of Ending the Crisis: Mayo Clinic’s Guide to Opioid Addiction and Safe Opioid Use, joins us to shine light on the ways the opioid crisis might affect our teens. We discuss the effects of opioids on the body, how we can detect if teens are using them, and what we can say to teens who might be at risk for opioid addiction.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Many of us picture drug addiction as a vague threat, something that might be a possibility for an unhoused person or party animal but never for our own kids. When we hear concerns about the opioid crisis, we might wave it off as a problem that most likely could never affect us. We typically think that even if kids party a little,–say, experiment with marijuana or alcohol-that they’ll probably come out on the other end just fine.

But what we don’t realize is just how susceptible our kids are to opioid use. Nowadays, traces of opioids are found in marijuana, cocaine, or even candy. They’re in millions of medicine cabinets, available on the streets in alarming quantities, and have been prescribed to nearly a third of adults in the United States. If we want our kids to stay safe from the opioid crisis, it’s time to educate ourselves–and our kids.

To help us wrap our heads around the severity of this crisis, we’re talking to Holly Geyer, author of Ending the Crisis: Mayo Clinic’s Guide to Opioid Addiction and Safe Opioid Use. Holly is an addiction medicine specialist at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix, Arizona, where she leads the Arizona Opioid Stewardship Program. She’s served on several Arizona department of health subcommittees, works with a number of organizations to raise opioid awareness, and lectures nationally on opioid addiction and safe opioid prescribing.

In our interview, we’re explaining what opioids are and how they affect the human body. We also discuss how we can look for signs of opioid abuse in our kids, and what we can say to kids who might be at risk of an opioid addiction.

What Parents Need to Know About Opioids

As an opioid expert, Holly is often asked: what’s the difference between opioids and opiates? In the episode, she explains that opiates are derived from the poppy plant, while opioids are synthetically created to mimic the effects of opiates. To the average person, the terminologies are basically interchangeable, she explains. It is important to remember, however, that opioids are often created in illicit environments, meaning that they’re usually not regulated and could be a lot more dangerous than opiates, Holly says.

These “painkillers” cause a sense of euphoria and often make us feel as though our troubles are slipping away–until they stop working and our body begins to crave more and more. As our usage grows, so does our tolerance, explains Holly. If taken exactly as prescribed, we might be relatively safe from the serious threat of addiction, but if we crush and snort it, inject it or take more than we’re supposed to, the results can be deadly. In fact, opioids are now the leading cause of death for people under 45.

How can taking opiods be fatal? Overdose, explains Holly. Overdose occurs when an individual consumes so much of an opioid that they become overly sedated, to the point where they forget to breathe, she says. If you suspect someone is taking opiods and they seem sleepy, cold or unintelligible in their speech, they might be overdosing. In the episode, Holly and I lay out a number of actions we can take if we’re presented with an overdosing individual–including an immediate dial of 911 and a dose of naloxone.

It’s pretty clear that opioid addiction is not something we’d want to encounter, especially in our own families. But how can we actively work towards preventing these tragic outcomes? Holly explains in the episode.

How To Tell If Your Teen is At Risk

Teen opioid addiction is no joke. Rates of teen opioid use are skyrocketing, Holly explains. If your teen starts using young, has a history of meddling with other substances, deals with mental health issues or experiences chronic pain, the risk is even higher. Even if you’ve never brought prescription opioids into the house, kids are often exposed when trying a different drug that happens to be laced. So how can we look out for signs that teens are using opioids before it’s too late?

Holly explains that teens who are using opioids might typically start to become a bit more withdrawn. They may start to appear less engaged in school or other daily activities, and then they may start stealing or disappearing for long periods of time, says Holly. That’s when parents may find drug paraphernalia hidden in their sock drawer. Another indicator is the kind of company they keep; if they seem to be hanging around a sketchier crowd, she recommends watching their behavior even more closely.

If you’ve got extra opioids lying around in your cabinet that you’re storing for safe-keeping, Holly explains that it’s time to get rid of them. Maybe they were prescribed for a surgery or an injury and there’s plenty left over that you're keeping for a rainy day–but they’ve got to go, she explains. Many times, teens start with these easily available pills and move on to harder or less regulated versions. In our interview, we talk about all the ways these pills can be safely destroyed or removed from your home.

One of the main ways we can prevent opioid addiction in our kids is by communication and education. In the episode, Holly lays out how we can talk to teens before, during, or after discovering an opioid use.

Preventing Opioid Addiction

If we want our kids to steer clear of drug use, the first step is changing the overarching culture and attitude in our homes. If we’re practicing a “take pills to solve your problems” mentality around the house whenever something is in pain or not working quite right, we might be unintentionally inflicting an addictive mentality onto our kids. Instead, Holly encourages us to be more of an “approach things heads-on” kind of mentality, where we talk about our issues and find proactive ways to solve them. She and I discuss the significance of this approach further in the episode.

Holly also emphasizes the value of reminding teens that no matter how free they might feel, we are always monitoring their behavior. She recommends that we not only keep an eye on our teens, but also they’re friends, their behaviors, and if necessary, their phones and physical space. She stresses that today’s world isn’t quite safe for experimentation the way our adolescence might have been, and how even alcohol or cannabis use could lead to opioid use.

In our interview, Holly and I also talk a lot about what to do when we confirm that a teen is struggling with opioid addiction. Sometimes teens are willing to go into rehab and sometimes they aren’t, but it’s interesting to note that most of the time, the outcome is the same. While recovery is possible, relapse is almost always a part of the process, she says, which can sometimes make treatment options logistically and financially difficult. We talk in depth about treatment options as we dive further into opioid use and abuse education.

In the Episode…

There’s a lot of critical information about opioid use in this week’s episode. On top of the...

Ep 232: Solving Conflict and Building Connection Mar 12, 2023

Rick Hanson, author of Making Great Relationships, shares how we can create more open, positive communication with teens. We discuss why teens are so moody, how parents can become better communicators, and the importance of emotional regulation when teens push our buttons.

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Full show notes

It doesn’t take long for a disagreement with teens to turn into a full-fledged battlefield. One minute, you’re just trying to ask about their day, the next they’re saying they hate you and slamming the door in your face. And no matter how much we resolve to make our interactions calmer and more productive, we seem to get stuck repeating the same drama over and over again.

If we want to break free from this cycle, we have to find new ways to communicate with our kids. This requires us to go past the surface level and dive into how kids are really feeling-and what they really mean when they say “I hate you.”

To help us escape from the cycle of miscommunication, we’re talking to Rick Hanson, author of multiple bestselling books, including the most recent, Making Great Relationships: Simple Practices for Solving Conflicts, Building Connection, and Fostering Love. Rick is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom.

In our interview, we’re talking about why teens are so harsh in their communication with parents–and what they're really trying to do when they're hurling insults at us. Plus, how parents can be less reactive when kids are pushing our buttons.

The Truth About Teen Angst

Teenagers in TV, movies, and popular culture are often depicted as rude and rebellious–could our media be normalizing teen angst? This cultural conditioning definitely contributes to teens’ attitudes, says Rick. Teens are also generally hardwired to be selfish, he explains, and since their biological development isn’t quite complete, and they’ve still got some empathy left to learn. If you feel like teens are behaving selfishly, it likely isn’t because they’re inherently self-absorbed, it’s teenagers as a whole. It can be helpful to remember that, and not take things too personally, says Rick.

Behind our teen’s anger, they’re usually hurting, says Rick. Being a teen is no easy task, and our kids might be feeling lost or upset without any way to express their feelings. We expect teens to sit through school all day, ignore many of their most tempting pleasurable pastimes, and push them towards far-off careers that they may not even want. All of this combined with bullying, mental health issues, eating disorders, and the perils of social media can be pretty overwhelming, explains Rick. It might be wise to keep all this in mind the next time we think kids are being unreasonably moody, Rick says.

In the episode, Rick explains how we can use empathy and imagination to reach kids instead. By attempting patience and open communication, we can create a more communicative environment where concerts and feelings are talked about in a real way, Rick explains. Intention is important, especially when it comes to interpreting teens behavior. If we assume they’re intending to offend us or bring us down, then we’ll retaliate, and the cycle of negativity continues.

So how can we as parents react more patiently when kids are being difficult? Rick and I discuss how we can improve your communication in the episode.

Creating Better Communication

One way we can foster positive communication with our teens is by embracing vulnerability, says Rick. Sometimes it can be challenging to find the right level of honesty without oversharing or losing our parental authority, but if we want to have open communication, parental vulnerability is key, he explains. If we tell them how their behavior makes us feel, they might start to understand the consequences that their words can have, or become more aware of the fact that you’re not their enemy, says Rick.

Sometimes, we’ve also just got to get to the bottom of what kids need, and find a way to create a compromise with them. When they’re begging us for permission to go to a party where underage drinking and other shenanigans are bound to take place, Rick encourages us to listen and understand what they really want: to fit in, feel popular, and have fun. He suggests that we maybe let them go, so long as they promise to come home at a certain hour, prove that there’s someone to drive them safely to and from, or whatever we feel comfortable with as a parent.

No matter what, being criticized by teens is inevitable, and it's just something parents pretty much have to live with, Rick explains. We can’t control what teens say to us, but we can control how we react, he says. At the end of the day, we might actually feel grateful to teens for their criticism, as it’s a preferable alternative to being totally cut off. In the episode, Rick pulls from his experiences as a family therapist to share why teens end up cutting off parents as they move into adulthood and how we can prevent it from happening in our own families.

When a teen starts to act up or things get heated between the two of you, it’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and turn us into yelling, screaming authority seekers. If we can learn to redirect our emotions instead, we’ll be better off, says Rick. In the episode, he and I are discussing how we can stay cool, even when our emotions are running hot.

The Value of Emotional Regulation

Rick and I talk in our interview about love vs. aspiration vs. authority, and how much of a role each should play in parenting. Rick believes that love, of course, should be a big part of how we treat kids, while also aspiring for them to improve and become better versions of themselves. Authority, on the other hand, is typically pretty ineffective, he explains. Of course, there are rules and boundaries that need to be set, but when there’s a struggle between you and your teen, trying to squash it with your authority will never quite do the trick. Instead, you’ll just push you and your teen farther apart.

This need for authority is often tied to anger, which is one of the worst ways we can react when teens are pressing us. Rick reminds us how important it is to be in tune with our own feelings and ensure our emotional stability before lashing out a teen. If we take a minute to slow things down and chill out, we might realize that there’s something below the surface of our anger–like concern for our teen’s wellbeing or frustration over lack of communication. If we can then explain our feelings to teens instead of just hurling angry words, there’s a much better chance that issues will be resolved, Rick says.

Sometimes, this includes admitting our own faults, Rick says. If a kid tells us we never listen, what do they really mean? He encourages us to reflect and see where we might be struggling in the listening department, or what about a teen’s criticism might have an element of truth. Admitting fault or at least learning to explain our behavior can be an important way of letting teens know that we care about their feelings and that we want to preserve our relationship with them, Rick says.

In the Episode…...

Ep 231: The Power of Strangers Mar 05, 2023

Joe Keohane, author of The Power of Strangers, joins us to discuss the many benefits of starting a conversation with a stranger. We talk about why we’re often so afraid to talk to people on the bus or at a coffee shop, and what to say to spark a connection with someone we’ve never met.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

How many strangers do you encounter on a daily basis? Riding public transport, ordering a coffee, hanging out at the bar–these simple tasks require us to chat with people we’ve never met. As naturally social creatures, humans have the potential to make friends with each and every stranger we meet, and would probably be happier if we did! But instead, we pull out our phones, put on our earbuds and try not to make eye contact.

We’re afraid to talk to strangers, but why? And how much better might life be if we took the time to talk to strangers more often?

To find out the answer, we’re talking to Joe Keohane, author of The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World. Joe is a journalist who’s worked at Medium, Esquire, Entrepreneur, and Hemisphere. His work has also been featured in New York Magazine, The Boston Globe, The New Yorker, Wired, and more!

In our interview, we’re talking about why people are so hesitant to talk to strangers, and how we can foster positive conversations with people we’ve just met. Plus, what we can gain from starting up a chat with the guy next to us on the subway or the girl taking our order.

The Truth About “Stranger Danger”

Most of us (and our kids) were taught never to talk to strangers. Our parents and teachers warned us of the dangers of speaking with unknown adults or people we don’t trust. Joe calls this “stranger danger propaganda” and explains that this concept is statically baseless. In fact, 90% of the time, crimes like assault, murder or kidnapping happen at the hands of someone we already know. As long as we’re savvy about it, talking to strangers is typically a lot safer than we realize, Joe says.

We also tend to assume that other people are busy, stressed, or simply don’t want to talk to us. This assumption is also typically wrong, says Joe. In our interview, we discussed several experiments in which researchers encouraged study participants to talk to strangers on the subway or other public places. Most of the time, these initiated interactions were overwhelmingly successful, to the surprise of the participants. And when researchers surveyed them afterwards, most participants said the interaction with a stranger brightened their day or made them actually enjoy a dreaded commute.

In the episode, Joe explains how younger people are often the most afraid of talking to strangers. This is because they’re used to chatting online or through text, where they can control the terms of the conversation. They can choose not to respond, think about what to say, re-read and edit responses before sending. While those functions can be useful for digital communication, they make it a bit harder to communicate in real life. In fact, young people are statistically the loneliest and often feel much more isolated, explains Joe.

Talking to strangers is not only a lot safer than we think, but also has a multitude of benefits. In our interview, Joe and I are discussing all the ways we can benefit from talking to strangers.

The Benefits of Connecting

Despite our typical routine of ignoring each other on the bus or in the grocery store, humans are actually incredibly social creatures, Joe says. We’re inherently much more capable of forming and keeping relationships than other animals, and are much happier when we have a sense of community and belonging with others. Speaking with those who are from different generations, racial groups or identities can be great for us as well, Joe says, as it allows us to broaden our perspectives and understand the complexities of others.

Our evolutionary social mechanisms are shown through research, Joe explains. Many psychologists philosophize that talking with someone you’ve never met can spike oxytocin in the brain-the chemical associated with social bonding and connecting to others. In fact, many studies show that talking with strangers can help us resolve or avoid falling into mental illness, by helping us feel more optimistic and less isolated.

Talking with strangers can have cognitive benefits as well. In the episode, Joe explains how discussing anything with an unknown person requires our brain to work hard, synthesize new information and reevaluate your perspective on certain subjects. This can be great for our executive function, and allows us to only get better at meeting new people in the future.

Even when we’re aware of all the benefits, talking to a random person can still be pretty challenging. To help, Joe and I are sharing some strategies you can employ to make socializing with strangers a little easier.

Starting the Conversation

If you want to foster communication with a stranger, Joe suggests starting by offering up a piece of information about yourself. This signals to the other person that you’re open to sharing and discussing life, and that they’re safe to do the same. However, Joe advises not to “dump” too much on the other person and scare them away. Keeping it light and positive at first can be helpful, until the conversation develops further. To navigate this, Joe emphasizes the importance of listening and paying attention to the other person’s energy.

Listening isn’t always as easy as we think, Joe explains. When we’re in a conversation with someone we’re just getting to know, we often wait for them to mention something we know about or can chime in on, and then jump in to give our two cents. Instead of waiting to talk about ourselves. Joe recommends we try to be curious and resist our urge to interject. It can feel awkward at first, but once we start listening more actively, it simply becomes second nature, Joe explains. In the episode, we talk about various ways we can use body language to signal that we’re actually listening.

When we’re talking to someone we’ve never met, we typically fall into predictable scripts–asking how they are, what they do, or where they’re from. And while these can sometimes be good ways to get to know one another, they also tend to cut conversations short by being too easy to answer. Joe suggests that we break the script and ask something unpredictable instead! In the episode, he shares a method he often uses, where he responds to “how are you?” with a numerical digit and prompts the stranger to do the same.

In The Episode…

This week’s episode will convince you to start a conversation with the next stranger you meet! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why we often expect strangers to be boring
How traditional societies practiced greeting strangers
Why those with higher socioeconomic status are lonelier
How you can find small pockets of socialization in daily life

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, check out Joe’s website, joekeohane.net. Don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you next week.

Ep 230: Breaking Down Systemic Racism Feb 26, 2023

David Mura, author of The Stories Whiteness Tells Itself, illuminates the realities of modern-day racism. We talk about the danger of avoiding race discussion, changing school curriculums to accurately address racism, and talking to our teens about race.

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Full show notes

Racism is one of the world’s oldest and most complicated topics. With centuries of genocides, segregation, and colonization leading up to the systemic inequalities of the modern day, there’s no easy way to sit kids down and teach them about it all. The intensity and intricacy of the topic means that parents just don’t talk about racism at all–which only leads to more injustice and ignorance in the next generation.

Education is key, but where do we even start? What’s important to cover, and how can we explain the nuances of race relations with kids who are still shaping their ideas about the world?

To help us educate kids, we’re sitting down with David Mura, author of The Stories Whiteness Tells Itself: Racial Myths and Our American Narratives. David is a memoirist, essayist, novelist, poet, critic, playwright and performance artist. As a third generation Japanese American, he’s often written about his own relationship with race, along with American society’s complicated relationship with systemic racial injustice.

In our interview, Daivid is explaining how we can adjust our definition of racism to be more accurate, and why we shouldn’t avoid talking about race. We also discuss how schools can adopt better methods for teaching kids about race, and how we can have conversations about race at home.

Why We Need to Talk About Race

When we talk about racism, we often describe explicitly racist concepts or behavior–like actively segregating environments or using slurs. In reality, racism can be a lot more nuanced and implicit, especially in today’s world, says David. Someone who doesn’t identify as racist can still exhibit racial preferences–and in fact most of us do, he explains. If we want to teach kids about racism, we’ll have to adjust our definition to include a more complicated range of behaviors.

Even worse than oversimplifying racism is not even talking about it at all, sayd David. Refusing to discuss race is pretty common in our society, especially among white people, he explains. In our interview, David and I talk about how we often don’t talk to kids about race because we’re scared it will overwhelm them or make them feel bad. This is typically true for white families, David says, who don’t want kids to feel shame about the historical actions of white people. But by not teaching kids about racism, we’re allowing them to live in ignorance–and denying them the truth.

Plus, the shame or guilt white folks often feel about racism in the past or present isn’t productive, says David. Instead, he believes it should be replaced by knowledge and responsibility. By learning about what’s happened in the past and what’s still going on today, parents and kids can be better advocates for equality. Responsibility means choosing to actively work against racism in any way we can, he says. In the episode, David and I talk about all the psychological steps white individuals often go through as they learn to process the ways racism shapes modern-day society.

Talking about race is important–and we should be doing it in schools, David says. In the episode, we’re also talking about the role school can play in helping kids understand racial discrepancies.

Racial Education in Schools

You may have heard the term “critical race theory” thrown around, but David explains that most schools aren’t really having kids contemplate race in a layered sense. Instead, many schools are simply teaching kids about the history of racism and breaking down the ways our society maintains racial biases in everyday life.

This definitely seems like something kids should know, right? David says that it’s unfortunately not that simple. Many people still feel uncomfortable having white children learn about the nuances of racism in American society, and want this curriculum banned from schools. In the episode, David and I talk about how certain politicians have made a very concentrated effort to stop kids from learning about race in school, even when it provides necessary context for how the Civil War started or why kids have Martin Luther King Jr. Day off.

In our interview, David and I talk about how we need to adjust the curriculum for students of color as well. Many times, these students take cues about their race from the world around them, and aren’t taught to think about how and why these stereotypes might be wrong. For example, David explains that many black students internalize ideas about black men being involved in crime or violent activity, and start to think they’re destined to fulfill the stereotype. If we want kids to grow up happy and healthy, we’ve got to set the record straight and remind them that stereotypes like these don’t define them.

If we really want kids to learn about racism in a meaningful way, however, we’ve got to talk to them at home. David and I are diving deeper into how we can address racism with our kids.

Discussing Race at Home

Kids typically know about racism in the past tense–events like March on Washington or people like Rosa Parks–but unless they experience it firsthand, some kids might not understand the presence of systemic racism in the modern day. To help them understand, David recommends bridging the past and the present. In the episode, he talks about how people like Thomas Jefferson spread certain rhetoric about race which continues to make its way into modern day thinking, and how we can illuminate this for kids.

To help kids see the truth about racism in society, it can also be useful to present them with the facts and statistics. David offers plenty in the episodes. For starters, black individuals are four times more likely to be arrested for marijuana-based offenses than white individuals–even though white and black folks have been shown to consume marijuana at the same rate. Black people are more likely to go to trial for these offenses, more likely to be convicted, and typically serve longer sentences. Black patients in hospitals are less likely to receive pain medication for the same conditions, and wait longer for medication when they do get it. The unemployment rate among black folks is twice that of white people, and so on and so forth.

Helping kids see these discrepancies can be an important step towards helping them understand the ways racism continues to prosper in the United States. In the episode, David and I provide more examples and tips for talking to teens about race.

In the Episode….

David and I examine the many dimensions of race relations in the U.S in our interview. On top of the topics discussed above, we’re also talking about:

Why black folks are unfairly pinned as criminals
How medical racism affects people of color
Why authors make their characters white as a default
How white America mimics the psychology of an abuser

If you want to learn more from David, you can find him at his website, davidmura.com. Thanks for listening, and don...

Ep 229: The Blame Game Feb 19, 2023

Denis Murphy, author of The Blame Game, joins us to discuss the ways we often blame ourselves or our kids for things we can’t control. We also discuss the importance of staying in touch with our emotions and practicing self-honesty.

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Full show notes

Blame is one of humanity’s oldest coping mechanisms. When things go wrong, we’re quick to point a finger at someone and declare that it’s their fault–creating war, political division, and heartbreak as a result. Not to mention that half the time we’re pointing the finger at ourselves, which typically only leads to self-loathing and insecurity.

The truth is, blaming someone or something for our issues isn’t going to make them go away. If we really want to confront our problems, heal our traumas and live better we’ve got to stop blaming and start accepting.

This week, we’re talking to Denis Murphy, author of The Blame Game: How to Recover from the World's Oldest Addiction. Denis is a coach and healer who’s worked with companies, families and individuals all over the world. His practices focus on helping people stop blaming themselves or others for misfortune in their life, and instead learn to harness their mental and physical wellness to create the life they want.

In our interview, we’re talking about why parental expectations can lead us to blame kids when things go wrong. We also discuss how suppressing our negative thoughts can cause mental and even physical pain, and break down the importance of self honesty.

The Blame Game

One overarching cause of blame is labels, explains Denis. When we attach labels to people like “boss,” “mom,” “best friend, or “boyfriend,” we’re also attaching expectations to go with them. These expectations rarely come from reality, but instead from TV, Hollywood, or other people’s families, says Denis.

When people inevitably fail to live up to our unrealistic expectations, we get upset, and blame them for not behaving exactly as we hoped. This is often the cause of family disputes, Denis explains. We want kids to behave in a way that meets our expectations of who kids are supposed to be, and they want us to act like the perfect parents. Of course, this doesn’t happen, and both parents and kids feel mutual disappointment in the other. And although it might seem like we’re frustrated with our kids, what we’re actually upset about is the label, Denis says.

In the episode, Denis and I also talk about physical and emotional stress, and how it plays a role in familial blame. When we’re coming home from a long day of work and we’ve spent the whole day keeping a lid on our emotions, we’re bound to boil over and start blaming kids for anything that goes wrong. It becomes a cycle Denis says, with our stress multiplying and our blaming habits growing as a result.

Things don’t have to be this way, however. In the episode, Denis and I are talking about how we can start to work through and accept our negative feelings instead of playing the blame game.

The Power of Acceptance

One of the most common ways we deal with life’s disappointments is by blaming ourselves. Denis explains that this practice is often encouraged by those who preach self-discipline or self-improvement. We’re taught not to be a victim, not to let life walk all over us, and to power through every obstacle without flinching.

But if we don’t face our feelings, we’ll end up exhausted and burnt out, Denis says. This is especially true for teens who might be overwhelmed with the stress of approaching adult life and managing the expectations of adolescence.

Instead of burying our negative thoughts and emotions, Denis encourages us to be in touch with them. As he explains in the episode, our thoughts help us figure out where our physical body is holding anxiety, fear and stress. If we can observe the ways these thoughts manifest themselves in our physical being, we can take the first steps towards healing our mental and even physical ailments. In the episode, Denis explains how mental and emotional anguish can sometimes even cause us to injure ourselves!

Accepting our thoughts instead of judging them is important if we want to reach inner peace. Denis explains. In our interview, we talk about how nature exists without blame, unapologetically changing with the seasons. If we want the same sense of peaceful acceptance for ourselves, we’ve got to start with being aware of our thoughts and emotions–and this goes for both parents and teens.

To truly be in touch with our feelings, we’ve got to be honest with ourselves. In the episode, Denis and I are breaking down all the ways self-honesty can change your life.

How to Practice Self-Honesty

Being honest with ourselves about every thought and emotion is not easy, says Denis. It’s much easier to control or avoid what we feel! As we go through life, we’re constantly suppressing our emotions, so much so that many of us stay in bad marriages, become addicted to substances, or do other extreme things simply to cope. As we do this, we create a gap between the person we’re living as and the one we truly are. If we want to bridge that gap, Denis says, we have to start being honest with ourselves.

Denis explains how this often manifests itself in our ability to cope with rejection. When we find ourselves turned down by a possible employer, for example, we tend to pivot to self-blame, telling ourselves we weren’t good enough, weren’t smart enough, or just didn’t try hard enough to get the job. But usually none of this is true, he says. The real truth? We didn’t actually want the job! Although we might object and say the job really was important to us, most of the time we actually just wanted the money, Denis says, and our hearts were never in it.

Parents sometimes struggle with this self-honesty, and end up using blame to cope instead, Denis says. We want to be perfect parents and when something goes wrong, we don’t want to deal with emotions like shame or disappointment. Instead, we blame our kids or ourselves, which only leads to an emotional wedge between us and them. Denis talks more about how parents can harness self-honesty to heal their relationships with kids in our interview!

In the Episode…

Denis and I cover lots of fascinating information about healing, blame and self-honesty in this week’s interview. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why we put blame on our spouse or partner
How meditation can become a distraction from healing
Why blame can become addictive
How controlling kids too much can become disastrous

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Denis at denisliammurphy.com or on Instagram @denisliammurphy. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see you next week!

Ep 228: Repairing Relationships Feb 12, 2023

Terry Real, author of Us, comes on the show to discuss the importance of healthy conflict in family relationships. We also talk about why parents should encourage boys to be in touch with their emotions and debate the dangers of protecting kids’ feelings.

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Full show notes

For many of us, a perfectly harmonious home sounds like a dream. We’d love it if teens came home by curfew, our advice was always graciously accepted, and conflict was totally nonexistent. We’d never have to stress about what to make for dinner or worry about who our kids are hanging out with. Everything would be perfect and easy…right?

As nice as harmony sounds, it’s simply unrealistic–and not necessarily beneficial either. In fact, psychologists (like the one we’re interviewing today) believe that conflict and disagreement are essential to building strong, nuanced, durable relationships with our kids. Without conflict, there’s no repair. Without repair, relationships never grow and evolve.

To explain how parents can embrace disrepair and negative emotions in relationships, we’re sitting down with Terry Real, author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Terry is a world-renowned family therapist, speaker, and author of multiple other bestselling books about relationships. He’s also the founder of the Relational Life Institute, where he offers workshops for parents, individuals and couples. He also holds professional training for clinicians to adopt his unique relational life therapy method.

In this episode, we’re talking about how conflict is essential to building strong bonds with kids. Plus, we discuss a concerning parenting phenomenon called false empowerment, and explain why parents need to encourage sensitivity in boys.

How Embracing Conflict Leads To Harmony

Relationships are never perfect–and they shouldn’t be, according to Terry. Parents shouldn’t feel bad about having conflicts with kids, and should even encourage a little disagreement sometimes. We’re only human, says Terry, and we’re bound to bump heads. It’s the reconciliation after disagreement that really forms the backbone of a strong relationship, he explains.

In fact, for teens to have healthy emotional processing in adulthood, they really only need to get along with parents about 30% of the time, Terry says. We don’t have to provide kids with a perfect upbringing–we just have to be human, he explains. If we can bounce back from the discord and survive all the complications of our natural human flaws, we can create strong bonds with our kids.

But how do we find that resolution when conflict arises? Terry explains a few different methods in the episode. One includes providing kids with a path to redemption, no matter how much we want to ground them into eternity. If we discipline them without offering them a way to redeem themselves, we’re not giving them the chance to really learn and change their behavior. In the episode, Terry tells a story about how his own son found a path to reconciliation after refusing to do his chores.

Another thing we shouldn't be afraid to do is criticize our kids, Terry says. In the episode, we talk about how we can help our kids develop healthy self esteem by allowing them to fail and struggle.

Confidence vs. Self-Esteem

We want kids to be confident; there’s no question about that. So we encourage them, giving them as much positive reinforcement as possible. But sometimes we go a little too far, explains Terry. In our quest to give kids high self-esteem, we might just leave them with the impression that they can do no wrong–grandiosity, as Terry calls it.

This feeling of superiority acts as an opposite to shame, which is what happens when kids don’t get enough encouragement, Terry says. Disempowering kids and making them feel worthless leads to shame, while refusing to let kids fail, struggle or take criticism can lead to grandiosity. And while shame might seem like the worst of the two, a superiority complex can be very damaging to teens as they try to swim in the adult world, says Terry. If we strike the right balance with our encouragement, we can avoid cultivating both shame and grandiosity in our kids, he explains.

In our interview, Terry shares a tale that helps us understand how parents can bring kids down a notch when needed. When his son had a playdate with a friend but spent the entire time ignoring the friend's wishes, Terry took his kid aside and told him the truth: that the friend seemed miserable through the whole interaction. Although this hurt his son’s feelings, Terry explained that when we invite someone into our lives, we have to make room for their needs and feelings too. These kinds of lessons are an essential part of making sure we raise kids with healthy self-esteem.

Despite the tough love, Terry also believes we need to help kids–especially boys–embrace their sensitivity. In the episode, we’re talking about how we can raise boys who don’t suppress their feelings.

Raising Sensitive Boys

It’s not just parents who might teach boys to feel out of touch with their feelings, it’s society as a whole, Terry explains. The patriarchy starts pushing young men away from vulnerability from around age three to five, often before they can even read! Even if your home is somewhat liberal, kids are exposed to these gender dynamics at school, online, and even on TV, Terry says.

Terry explains that girls go through a similar gender-related experience as they grow older, during the adolescent years. Around this time, girls are known to become less assertive, less bold, and generally less likely to speak their minds. This is also a result of societal conditioning, Terry says, and it’s something that often keeps young women from becoming their best selves.

Parents need to be actively denying this gender conditioning, he says, if we want to raise emotionally healthy kids. He encourages parents to help sons stay connected to their feelings while they’re still young, so they don’t have to do the difficult work of reconnecting to their emotions as adults. The more we can allow them to be vulnerable with themselves and others the better.

The same idea goes for girls–it’s important to help them speak their mind, Terry says. In our interview, he offers tips for helping teens embrace their emotions, especially when they’re pushing you away and don’t seem to want to talk about anything at all. Parents might have to dig sometimes to get teens to share their feelings, but when they do, the results are worth it, says Terry.

In the Episode…..

We cover a lot of fascinating material with Terry in this week’s episode! On top of the topics discussed above we also talk about:

What the if/then method is and how you can apply it
Why dominance is an ineffective parenting tactic
How parents can take time-outs
What we can do to be better listeners

If you enjoyed this week's episode, check out Terry’s website, terryreal.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 227: Are We Too Hard on Our Kids? Feb 05, 2023

Ron Fournier, author of Love That Boy joins us to discuss the impact of parents' expectations. We also break down why parents can become concerned with kids' popularity, and discuss what Ron learned about fatherhood from American Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama.

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Full show notes

We love our kids and want to see them grow into the best version of themselves–but this can sometimes lead us to put some heavy expectations on their shoulders. We hope so intensely that they’re academically brilliant, a star athlete, popular, or well-read that we don’t make space for them to just be who they are!

This can feel especially hard when our kids start to venture outside the confines of a “perfect” child. Maybe their sexual or religious preferences aren’t what we hoped for. Maybe they’re diagnosed with mental illness or designated as being at-risk. Maybe they just don’t want to follow the plan we so carefully laid out for them from birth! Whatever it is, we as parents have got to learn to respect our kid’s identities and accept them for who they are-no matter how tough it can be sometimes.

To share his own personal journey of acceptance and help us understand ours, we’re talking to Ron Fournier, dad and author of Love That Boy: What Two Presidents, Eight Road Trips, and My Son Taught Me About a Parent's Expectations. Ron is a political journalist who’s covered the campaigns and presidencies of Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama. His line of work led him towards a more personal journey with his son, Tyler–a journey he’s here to talk about today.

In our interview, Ron and I are talking about why parents tend to pile so many expectations on kids, and how they can move towards acceptance instead. We also discuss the toxic practice of counting our kids' friends, and Ron describes what he learned about fatherhood from Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama!

How Expectations Can Be Harmful

We only want this best for kids…but sometimes we take our expectations a little too far, says Ron. As an avid sports lover, Ron always hoped his son would be interested in athletics too, so much so that he filled his son's nursery with sports memorabilia!

This desire to connect to his son through sports continued as his son grew into a teenager, until Ron finally accepted that would never be an athletic kid. Ron didn’t come to this conclusion easily, however, and many parents have the same problem with acceptance.

Ron explains that this need to control kids’ lives often comes from our own anxieties about life and death. We so desperately hope that teens carry on our legacy or fulfill our unresolved dreams that we start planning their lives before they even exit the womb! But we need to step away from this practice, Ron explains, and let kids carve their own path. In the episode, Ron explains how his son’s autism diagnosis helped him find a new perspective and stop enforcing his own expectations on his son.

Neurodivergence isn’t the only unexpected thing our kids might present us with. Sometimes kids reject the religion we raised them in, or want to pursue a career path we don't approve of. Maybe we don’t like their romantic partner or simply feel that they aren’t reaching our standards in school, athletics or music. While we’re wasting time stressing over this, Ron explains, we’re missing out on getting to know our kids for who they truly are. Instead of trying to teach them how to be, Ron believes we should learn from our kids about how to live our own lives.

One way parents try to measure their kids against a quota is by monitoring their popularity. Ron and I discuss how this problematic behavior is unfortunately common and why we should avoid it.

The Pressure to Be Popular

It can be scary when we feel like kids don’t fit in. Life will always be easier for those who swim easily in social settings, and who find acceptance within their pack. As loving parents, we hope that our kids will be able to make connections and friendships to survive in both the working world and their personal lives. But sometimes this desire for kids to fit in can become toxic, says Ron, and cause us to do things like count how many friends our teen has.

This urge to reduce friendships to quantity doesn’t necessarily come from a bad place, but can be harmful, Ron explains. Friendships should instead be measured by quality, he says. This is especially true in today’s day and age, where teens are often so wrapped up in how many likes and followers they have that they forget to honor the real benchmarks of friendship, like connection, kindness and mutual respect. Teens should strive for the kind of friends who stick with them through thick and thin and encourage them to be their best selves, says Ron–and the quantity isn’t important!

Needing kids to be popular and well-liked is just another way we often pressure kids to be high achievers…but it’s all sort of contradictory! In the episode, Ron and I discuss how our desire for kids to be popular can often be at odds with our hopes that kids will be academically brilliant or athletic superstars. How are kids going to get great grades or excellent race times if they’re hanging out with their friends all day? These contradictions are simply an indication of just how unrealistic our expectations for teens are.

Ron often inflicted these kinds of expectations on his own son–but when his son was diagnosed with autism, Ron’s perspective started to change. In his journey towards understanding his son, the two of them went on a series of trips together, and even met three US. presidents! In our interview, Ron is describing how each of these presidential meetings helped him understand his son.

Presidential Perspectives

In the episode, Ron describes the interaction his son Tyler had with both George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, and how each conversation taught him about fatherhood.

Tyler’s talk with Bill Clinton was largely one-sided, he said, with Bill delivering an invigorating and inspiring speech about the state of the nation. George Bush, on the other hand, simply asked question after question, getting Tyler to open up and even discuss his interests–something that Tyler often struggles with.

For Ron, both of these instances were educational. Although Clinton’s monologue was fascinating, Ron noticed that he neglected to ask Tyler any real questions. Tyler, an autistic teen who often struggles with social situations, sometimes makes the same mistake–talking without understanding his audience! Ron realized that if one of the most famous politicians in America talks too much, it’s ok for his son to do it too.

Meanwhile, Bush’s inquisitive nature and listening skills made Ron realize that Bush was able to extract information in 45 minutes that Ron never knew about his own son. In our interview, he talks about how this meeting with Bush renewed his patience as a father.

As the episode draws to a close, Ron also tells the tale of his son meeting the Obamas, a story which often causes him to get emotional. Before introducing himself to Barrack and Michelle, Tyler turned to him to say “I hope I don’t embarrass you.” For Ron, this moment caused a total change in perspective, and a realization...

Ep 226: Making Better Decisions Jan 29, 2023

Decision-making expert Eric J Johnson, author of The Elements of Choice, joins us to discuss how our choices are often influenced by external forces without our knowledge. He also describes different kinds of decision-making and explains how memory affects our choices.

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Full show notes

We make thousands of choices every day–what to eat, what to wear, which email to send first, even how much creamer to put in our coffee. It might seem like we’re making these choices of our own accord, but we often don't realize how many forces are influencing each and every choice we make. Everything from corporate marketing to peer influence can shape our decisions in profound and surprising ways!

This is especially true for teenagers, who are making some early and important decisions like where to go to college or what career to commit to. If we want teens to make smart choices, we’ll have to teach them to spot all the ways their decisions are being influenced by those around them.

To help us understand how external forces affect our decision-making process, we’re talking to Eric J. Johnson, author of The Elements of Choice: Why the Way We Decide Matters. Eric is a Professor of Business and Director of the Center of Decision Studies at Columbia Business School. He’s also the President of the Society for Judgment and Decision Making and The Society for Neuroeconomics at Columbia! An expert on the science of decision-making, Eric is here to help us understand the nuanced influences that affect every choice we make.

In our interview, we’re discussing the different kinds of decision-making and their advantages. We also break down the way external factors influence our choices, and the significance of memory in our decision-making.

Why do we each make unique choices, and what are the consequences? These are just a few of the questions Eric asks in his research as he attempts to learn more about the decision-making process. In our interview, he lays out two common types of analysis: integrative and comparative.

Integrative decision-makers take in the whole picture, ingesting and evaluating all the details and analyzing every bit of information. In contrast, comparative thinkers tend to look at the most essential component of each choice, and make a decision based on that comparison.

To help us understand, Eric describes an experiment in which participants were offered forty dollars immediately or fifty dollars if they could wait a while. Integrative thinkers might measure the availability of the forty dollars over the time spent waiting for the extra ten, and choose to walk away with forty. Comparative thinkers may simply see the dollar amounts and pick the higher one, he says, waiting for the fifty.

How does this play out for teenagers? Eric explains that these are common methods of decision-making when it comes to choosing a college. Some teens might use integrative reasoning to evaluate the whole experience–student body size, campus environment, quality of facilities–while comparative thinkers might just compare the stats of the school’s post-grad employment rates or cost of attendance. If you want your teen to think one way or the other, it might be best to push them in the direction of integrative or comparative thinking.

These choices aren't made in a vacuum, however, and there are plenty of influences on our decisions. Eric and I are breaking down the many ways our choices are manipulated, often without our own knowledge.

Who Controls Our Choices?

Although we might not realize it, we’re often swayed in our decision-making by those who are presenting us with choices. Oftentimes, they make certain choices easier or more straightforward than others, leading us to choose that option to save time and energy. Eric uses the example of an autofilled box on an online form. If the box is already checked, we often don’t even bother to read what we’re agreeing to. The same goes for things like medical forms or advertisements.

For teens looking to choose a college, there are quite a few forces influencing their decision. Eric and I talk at length about how parents, peers, pop culture and colleges themselves all exert influence over how kids pick which school to attend. If kids simply hear about certain colleges more often, they’re likely to apply to those schools…even if they aren’t really the best option for your teens' particular life plans. This is especially true for students who come from lower income backgrounds, and simply aren’t encouraged to explore pricier or high-ranking schools quite so often.

Additionally, about 50% of U.S. students also have to pick a high school, especially in New York City, Eric explains. In NYC, students are forced to pick from thousands of schools within the city to find the right fit. Eric explains how this demonstrates a common conundrum in decision-making. To make the right choice, the chooser can’t be overwhelmed with too many options, but they need enough options to make sure they pick something that’s the right fit. This means the pool of choices needs to be manageably small–but not too small! In the episode, Eric explains how this issue is solved for New York City High Scholers and beyond in the episode.

There are a few other things that affect our decisions–including memory. Eric explains all the ways memory changes the way we make choices.

Why Memory Matters

Eric illustrates the significance of memory in our decision-making by telling a story about Ben Franklin. When Ben was approached by a friend and asked how to make a decision, Ben advised his friend to weigh the pros and the cons of each choice–but to do so over a day or two instead of in a single moment.

If we write a list in ten minutes, our brains are likely suppressing one choice in favor of the other. If we give our brain time to remember all the details, we can make a better choice…instead of one based on what we remember at the current moment. In the episode, Eric and I talk about how teens can practice this method in their daily lives.

You might notice the phenomenon of memory play out when you’re reading a list of options on a menu or guide. Whichever option is first typically takes root in your memory, with the others fading into obscurity in your mind as they go on. This is commonly seen in elections, Eric explains, where whomenever is first on the ballot typically wins.

The order of options affects our choices in other ways as well. If a menu is listed by price, we take notice of the prices and make our decision that way. If something like wine is instead listed by quality, we might choose quality over costliness.

In the end, our choices are manipulated by plenty of different forces. But by educating ourselves and our families on the science of decision-making, we can learn to gain control over our decisions and make the choices that are truly best for us.

In the Episode…

Chatting with Eric was both fun and enlightening! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How we can encourage teens to invest
Why informing kids about scholarships is essential
How we can help teens spend their ...

Ep 225: The Hidden Benefits of Joy and Fun Jan 22, 2023

We’re sitting down with Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, to talk about the overlooked benefits of having fun! Catherine defines the true meaning of fun, explains why we tend to undervalue it, and gives practical tips for how to bring more fun to ourselves and our families.

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Full show notes

Do you remember the last time you had fun? Maybe you were exploring a new place, playing a video game or even just laughing with your friends. What did it feel like? Did it help you relieve stress and add joy to your day?

We often consider fun irrelevant, or view it as a waste of time, but it can be an essential part of survival. Having fun is not only good for our mood, but actually improves our physical health, lowering our cortisol and helping us balance our hormones.

Teaching kids the importance of fun can help them live happier, healthier lives as they head into adulthood.

To understand how we can pass the value of fun onto our kids, we’re talking to Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun. Catherine is an award-winning science journalist and speaker whose work has been featured in Time Magazine, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, and more. The New York Times even dubbed her the Marie Kondo of minds!

In our interview, we’re talking about the definition of true fun, why we often undervalue fun in our society, and what practical steps we can take to bring more fun to ourselves and our families.

How Fun Keeps Us Happy And Healthy

Fun is often misunderstood, explains Catherine. We tend to think of any relaxing or non-work activity as “fun” when in reality these activities don’t always meet the requirements.

Catherine explains that fun consists of three core elements: Playfulness, connectivity and flow. Playfulness doesn't necessarily refer to childlike behavior, but simply requires us to do something for the sake of doing it without putting too much emphasis on the outcome. Connectivity refers to sharing an experience with another person, and flow means being so invested in whatever we’re doing that we lose track of time.

When we experience playfulness, connectivity and flow all at once, that means we’re experiencing true fun, says Catherine. This is different from what Catherine describes as “fake fun”, which often includes binge-watching TV shows or scrolling through social media apps. These activities are designed to keep us hooked by hijacking our dopamine reward systems, but don’t actually equate to true fun. Catherine dives deeper into the phenomenon of fake fun in the episode.

There is also some middle ground between fun and non-fun, she explains. Relaxing, solitary activities like going on a long walk, taking a bath or doing a puzzle are still essential to our wellbeing and should be prioritized, but they don’t meet the requirements for being true fun. Some activities include connectivity without flow, or playfulness without connectivity. Although these kinds of experiences aren’t true fun, they’re still beneficial and add value to our lives, Catherine explains.

In order to fit more true fun into our lives, however, we have to start realizing its value. Catherine and I discuss how fun is often considered a waste of time and how we can start prioritizing fun again.

Why Fun Is Undervalued

As teens get older, we typically start telling them it’s time to get more serious. We pressure them to look towards results–better SAT scores, college acceptances, athletic achievements–and stop encouraging them to simply have fun and explore. While teens need to work towards becoming independent, they’ve also got to remember to keep fun as a part of their lives, Catherine says.

Catherine explains that we often forget to value fun because it doesn’t necessarily equate to making money. She breaks down a timeline for when fun stopped being valued in society, around the time of the industrial revolution. Before this period, professions were valued for their ability to reach an outcome–a cobbler made shoes, a butcher prepared meat, and a blacksmith forged metal.

But when our modern industrial systems were established, people stopped creating an outcome on their own, and became cogs in a machine to contribute to an outcome along a line of production. Today, this same pattern emerges, and it means that we don’t have a clear endpoint to stop working and start having fun. There’s endless work to do, and if we’re having fun instead of doing it, society tells us to feel guilty, says Catherine.

To combat this, Catherine prompts us to start adding fun to our lives and encouraging our family to do the same. In the episode, we're discussing practical ways to bring more fun to your home.

Bringing Fun Back To Your Family

We all have natural inclinations about how to have fun, but it can also help to take a practical approach, Catherine says. She suggests that we have our teens complete a “fun audit” in which they evaluate and make note of the things in their life that bring the most fun. Catherine calls these forces “fun-magnets”, and they could be a person, place, or thing. Maybe your teen’s most powerful fun-magnet is the basketball court, or perhaps it’s their lifelong best friend.

Many people think these fun-magnets need to be expensive or outside of daily life. In reality, they can be a part of our day-to-day routine, and can even be incorporated into traditionally “un-fun” environments like work, Catheirne explains.

Sometimes, your fun magnets might not align with those of your partner or kids, and that can be challenging, Catherine says. In our interview, she explains how she and her husband enjoy very different things, and can’t always compromise when it comes to having fun! This doesn't mean you have to give up your fun-magnets, however, and Catherine and I discuss how to preserve your own version of fun even when someone disagrees or can’t relate.

Although family might not agree on every activity, there’s likely some common ground between everyone. Finding experiences that are fun for everyone and doing them together can be a great way to add joy to our lives, as well as create connections with our kids.

In the Episode…

There’s plenty of great insights in today’s talk with Catherine! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why parents should be cautious about video games
How we can grow our appreciation for everyday things
Why introverts can be just as fun as extroverts
How we can put down our phones and be more present

Thanks for listening! If you want to find more from Catherine, you can find more from her on her website, Catherineprice.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 224: The Power of Peer Influence Jan 15, 2023

Justin Blaney, author of Relationshift, joins us to discuss the power that peer influence has over teens. Plus, how teens can find great mentors and how the right friends always encourage teens to expand their worldview.

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Full show notes

Teens are undeniably influenced by their peers. They adopt their friends’ fashion, hobbies, attitudes and even opinions….for better or for worse!

Whomever your teen decides to spend time with, those people are critical to your teens wellbeing. These individuals might encourage your kids to follow their dreams and become their best selves, or involve them in risky and regrettable behavior. That’s why it's essential to understand the power of peer pressure–and guide teens to make the right kind of friends.

To help us ensure that teens are hanging with the right crowd, we’re talking to Justin Blaney, author of Relationshift. Justin is a successful entrepreneur, professor of business at the University of Washington, and the author of 12 books! He’s here to share advice about forging healthy and helpful relationships, gathered from both his professional life as a businessman and personal life as a father of three!

In the episode, we discuss why it’s so essential that teens spend time around peers who lift them up rather than those who drag them down. Plus, how kids can find the right mentors, and how good companions can help teens expand their worldview.

The Power of Peer Influence

In the episode, Justin talks a lot about how teens can get in with the “right” crowd–but not in a moral sense. Instead, these friends should be the kind of people who encourage teens to follow their dreams, find happiness and live their best lives. Of course, no friend is going to be perfect, but a good companion should motivate teens to feel confident and strive for self improvement, Justin explains.

Justin and I talk about how teens can evaluate their friendships to see if they’re bringing happiness or hindrance. He explains a method that he refers to as the plus/minus statistic–a metric borrowed from sports! Justin says that teens can weigh the good and the bad to discover if teens’ friends are making their lives better or holding them back. We talk further about the plus/minus statistic in the episode, and how it can help teens surround themselves with the right people.

Guiding teens to pick the right companions starts with encouraging them to be self aware, Justin says. Sometimes teens can be a bit oblivious to the negative parts of their friendships, and refuse to think of their friends as bad influences.

Justin recommends sitting kids down and asking them to recount their dreams, goals and vision for their life and then reflecting on whether or not their friends are conducive to this dream–or are actively keeping them from achieving it.

Beyond just peers, teens need mentors to push them in the right direction. Justin and I are talking about how teenagers can find the right mentor to guide them through their own personal struggles and goals.

Finding Meaningful Mentors

Finding a great mentor requires teens to choose someone who’s been through the same things they have, says Justin.

Sometimes teens tend to gravitate towards those who have found immense success in the field they aspire to…but oftentimes these successful people were just lucky, says Justin. It’s even more likely that these people had a leg-up in life, whether it's inherited wealth, nepotism or simply an especially encouraging family.

Justin encourages parents to reiterate this disparity to teens who might find themselves frustrated by the success of others. Other people might have simply been born with more athletic ability or academic intelligence, or maybe their financially comfortable background allowed them to study instead of spending time working. Whatever the case may be, teens shouldn’t compare themselves to peers or even adults who seem to excel effortlessly.

In the end, these lucky people often make poor mentors, because they haven’t gone through as much struggle as most other successful people, said Justin. Finding mentors from a similar background who are familiar with the same difficulties teens are facing will create a much more successful mentor/mentee experience at the end of the day, he says. In the episode, Justin and I talk about all the different kinds of mentorship that teens can take advantage of.

One of a mentor’s many roles is to help teens expand their worldview. Justin and I are discussing how important it is for teens to broaden their perspective and how strong relationships with peers and mentors can help them do so.

Embracing New Perspectives

As teens grow up, they start to learn more about the world…and sometimes think they know everything! That’s why it’s so important for teens to be surrounded by people who put their worldview to the test.

Half the time, kids don’t even realize just how oblivious they are to certain realities, and they need someone to broaden their perspective. Justin uses the example of kids who grow up in poverty and don’t even realize options like college could ever be a reality for them–until they meet a role model who changes their mind.

Parents, mentors and peers alike can help teens break out of their comfort zone and rethink their lives by simply encouraging them to take risks. In the episode, Justin and I talk about a sort of mental immune system that we develop as we grow up and start to filter “bad” things out and welcome “good'' things in. Over time, we start to do it habitually, without even thinking, leading us to reject things that seem unfamiliar or vaguely threatening in any way. In our interview, Justin and I are talking about how we can push teens to tweak this system and invite new experiences into their lives.

As much as we try, parents can’t teach kids everything, and we’ll always have certain blinds pots. To remedy this, Justin suggests that parents find someone who can help kids in the areas where we struggle to give guidance–like a younger relative or a career professional.

Arranging meetings or phone calls with someone who can give teens valuable advice is a gentle and kind way to help kids learn about the world and challenge their own opinions. With a greater worldview, they’ll be able to envision possibilities for themselves that they never imagined, growing one step closer to living their best life.

In The Episode….

I had a wonderful time talking with Justin this week! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why teens shouldn’t treat people as transactional
How to stop overthinking
What we can learn from Justin’s own parenting journey
How peer pressure can sometimes be positive

If you enjoyed this episode and want more from Justin, you can find him at Blaney.app. Thanks for listening and don’t forget to share and subscribe. See you next week!

Ep 223: Mastering Work/Life Balance Jan 08, 2023

Yael Shornbrun, author ofWork, Parent, Thrive, joins us to talk about how working parents can make the most of their busy lives. We discuss the surprising benefits of working and parenting simultaneously, and explain how we can model a healthy work/life balance for their teens.

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Full show notes

Raising teens can sometimes feel like a full time job…on top of the one we already have! Handling the ups and downs of parenthood takes practically all the energy we have–adding an eight hour workday into the mix can be immensely overwhelming.

However, for many parents, working and parenting at the same time is a necessary compromise. Doing both is no easy task, and often comes with lots of sacrifice, conflict and even guilt.

But what if being both a parent and a member of the workforce could be mutually beneficial? What if, despite all the struggle, being a working parent might be the best of both worlds?

This week, we’re diving into how working parents can overcome the struggle and start thriving. We’re joined by Dr. Yael Schonbrun, psychologist, professor, podcaster and author of Work, Parent, Thrive! Yael is a working parent herself, and wanted to harness her knowledge as a psychologist to help parents change their perspective on work/life balance.

In the episode, we’re discussing the ways that parenting can strengthen our career skills–and how our work experiences can make us better parents. Plus, how we can practice emotional management when the stress of life gets too overwhelming, and how we can model career success for teens.

Surprising Positives For Working Parents

Balancing work and kids is quite the conundrum, and it’s easy to get bogged down by the difficulty of it all. But there actually quite a few benefits to working and raising kids simultaneously, says Yael–benefits that many parents don’t even realize are there!

In the episode, Yael breaks down the idea of skill transfer between our personal and professional lives. The patience, perseverance and empathy it takes to raise teens can be terrific traits to carry over into our work life, while the collaboration and consistency of our work life might benefit our parenting, she explains.

She also describes how parents can benefit from what she calls a “stress-buffering effect.” When the stress of work gets us down, spending time with kids is a great way to have a meaningful, fun escape. Similarly, when our kids are driving us crazy, we can head to the office or close the door to our home studio and use work as a way to distract us from the stress of parenting, she says.

There are so many other benefits to working and parenting at the same time, and Yael and I get into them in the episode. So many of these benefits become clear when we choose to notice them, Yael explains, instead of focusing on the bad.

Regardless, it’s hard to deny that work life balance can be a struggle–especially for parents–and sometimes all the stress can cause us to boil over. In our interview, Yael and I discuss how parents can practice emotional management when the going gets tough.

Mastering Emotional Management

In our interview, Yael and I talk a lot about values and how they can often be challenged when we’re at our lowest. During arguments with teens or triggering moments, we sometimes find ourselves saying things we don’t mean or acting out of spite. Even though we value kindness, patience and firm boundaries, those things can slip out the window when we’re riled up.

In the episode, Yael and I talk about how we can learn to act according to our values instead of letting our emotions get the better of us. She lays out certain “grounding techniques,” or ways to calm down when we’re upset. These are typically methods of slowing down our nervous system’s response to triggering situations, and can include everything from holding an ice cube to taking some time to journal.

We also delve into a deep discussion about guilt, and the ways in which it affects working parents. We often feel guilty when we can’t make it to a competition due to a work trip, or when we have to work late and can’t plan a family dinner. Many times, however, this guilt serves no good purpose, and simply drags us down. In the episode, Yael walks me through how parents can evaluate guilty thoughts and interpret whether or not they’re useful.

Emotional management can be an important way to model maturity to teens. In our interview, Yael and I are breaking down how working parents can also model career success to teens who are heading into adulthood.

Modeling Passion And Purpose

Although we typically hope teens will listen to our words, they’re more likely to pay attention to and emulate our actions. Kids who are still figuring out their career path might turn to parents to see an example of working adult life. If we want kids to see a positive example of professional development, we have to set one, says Yael.

Yael explains that we can label our work three different ways –as a job, a career and a calling. When we see our profession as simply a job, we often don’t attribute meaning to our work–which not only makes us less happy and productive, but sets an example to teens that work is just a miserable obligation.

Viewing our work as a career is better, but embracing it as a calling is ideal. When we see our working life as a way to find purpose and passion, we’ll not only live more fulfilling lives, but show teens that they can do the same, Yael says.

Teaching kids to change their attitude towards school, extracurriculars, or part time jobs can be a great way to help them start a positive relationship with career development as well. In the episode, Yael and I talk about how she encouraged her own son to approach his studies with more enthusiasm by opening his mind up to the long-lasting benefits of academics.

Modeling career skills and emotional development helps prepare teens for the challenges of the adult world–just one of the many ways working parents can create harmony between their work life and their family life.

In the Episode….

My conversation with Yael was incredibly eye-opening. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How stress can be beneficial
Why interruptions actually strengthen focus
How we can discover and define our values
Why labeling ourselves can be harmful

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Yael on her podcast, Psychologists Off the Clock or at yaelschonbrun.com. Thanks for listening! Don’t forget to share and subscribe and we’ll see you next week.

Ep 222: Demystifying Sex Jan 01, 2023

Benjamin Dunks, author ofIntimacy, comes on the show to demystify common concerns and misconceptions teens have about sex. We discuss how parents can rethink the sex talk, why teens might be insecure about intimacy, and cover tricky topics like orgasms and even penis size.

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Full show notes

Most teens have a million questions about sex: When should I have it for the first time? How do I find the right person to do it with? What’s the best way to ask for consent? How does sex even happen?

Typically, kids don't exactly feel comfortable coming to parents with these concerns–and might even be too scared to ask their friends. Instead they often turn to porn for explanations…and although not all pornography is bad, there are plenty of harmful things online for kids to find.

So how can we make sure kids learn about sex in a healthy way?

To find out, we’re talking to Benjamin Dunks, author of Intimacy: A Guide to Young Men About Sex. Benjamin is a professional in the world of dance who’s studied the human body in both artistic and scientific ways. He’s spent the past four years interviewing young people about sex and intimacy to find out where their concerns and confusion lie.

In our interview, we’re discussing how parents can have effective sex talks with kids, and how teens can deal with insecurities like lack of experience or anatomical differences. Plus,we run through the most critical things kids should know before they have their first intimate encounter.

Tweaking “The Talk”

When parents are approaching the sex talk, we often come from a place of fear, says Benjamin. We’re scared that our kids might get pregnant, contract an STD, acquire a bad reputation, get their feelings hurt–the list goes on. But when we come out of the gates full of warnings and negativity, we sometimes unwittingly push kids in the opposite direction, Benjamin explains. They roll their eyes at our advice, and then do the opposite of what we tell them!

Instead, Benjamin recommends opening ourselves up to an honest and frank talk about intimacy, and even emphasizing the positive aspects. This can help kids see the pros and cons of becoming sexually active, without scaring them off with tales of terror. When we open up this line of communication with teens, it can also create trust that extends past sex talks and into other parts of life, says Benjamin.

So where can we start when it comes to “the talk?” Benjamin suggests starting with lighter questions, and easing into the heavy stuff.. Benjamin also recommends that parents open up about their own experiences–although maybe without all the details! Reminding kids that you also felt scared or confused about sex when you were young might make them feel less alone, Benjamin says.

Facing Insecurities About Intimacy

Teens can be insecure about lots of things, sex included. Many teenagers, especially young boys, might feel insecure about their lack of knowledge or experience surrounding intimate encounters.

This is often because young men are taught that masculinity is all about control–controlling their emotions, their friends and their partners, Benjamin explains. When young men can’t express their insecurities, they double down on this need for control, creating a lack of communication in intimate encounters and even sexual violence. Being open and honest with partners about their insecurities instead can lead to a lot of growth for young men.

Vulnerability helps create more trust between partners, and ultimately healthier relationships overall, explains Benjamin. Intimacy is more than just a sexual act, but includes emotional connections and quality time spent together, he says. Vulnerability isn’t easy–especially when teens are young and scared of getting hurt. But the more open they can be about their insecurities, the closer they’ll be with their partners.

Often times, kids who feel insecure turn to drugs and alcohol to lessen their fear of a sexual encounter, Benjamin explains. That’s not a sustainable solution, however, and can lead to gray areas around consent and safety, he says. Instead, teens need to learn to be vocal about how they’re feeling. Do they feel uncomfortable? Unsafe? Are they unsure of themselves or just reluctant to become sexually active?

These communication skills are just one of many things kids should know before heading into their first intimate encounter. Benjamin and I are discussing what teens should know if they’re preparing to start a sexual relationship with someone.

Critical Concepts For Sexually Active Teens

If teens are going to jump into a sexual encounter with someone, there’s a few things they should know first! Benjamin and I are reviewing some critical concepts that parents should review with teens who might have an intimate interaction on the horizon.

One thing that Benjamin emphasizes is that every encounter is different. Everyone has unique anatomy, and an intimate interaction might be short or long, slow or fast, loud or quiet. Instead of expecting things to go a certain way, he says teens should remain open-minded and above all, communicate. Communication is key to creating a better experience, not just for themselves, but for their partners.

In the episode, Benjamin and I chat about a common insecurity men face–the size of their genitals! But Benjamin assures us that size isn’t everything, and everyone is looking for something different in a partner. Other parts of an intimate encounter are just as, if not more significant than penetration, especially when it comes to women’s pleasure. We talk further about different kinds of pleasure in the episode, and how we discuss such an awkward and potentially sensitive topic with teens.

Benjamin also shares what teens should know about orgasms–and why it’s ok not to have them all the time. Sexual encounters don’t always have to have orgasms as the end goal, and can be perfectly enjoyable without them, he says. However, it’s important to know what a partner enjoys, and how our own bodies work! Learning about how partners can pleasure themselves and one another can be an important part of sexuality and forming intimate relationships.

In the Episode….

This episode is chock full of incredible advice for teens who might feel confused or insecure about sex. On top of the topics discussed above, we’re also talking about:

Why we shouldn’t shame masturbation
What teens should know about sex toys
How we can teach boys about periods
Why teens shouldn’t learn about sex from TV

If you liked this episode, you can find more from Benjamin at his website, Benjamindunks.com. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see you next week!

Holiday Special 2022: The Year in Review! Dec 25, 2022

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Happy Holidays from the Talking to Teens Team!

To wrap up the year, we’re recapping some of our best moments from 2022. We talked about everything from vaping to body issues to mental health to career planning–and we wanted to compile the best advice for you to catch up on before the new year.

Whether you’re a seasoned subscriber or a brand new listener, thanks for choosing Talking to Teens!

Ep 221: The Forgotten Power of Friendship Dec 18, 2022

Marisa Franco, author ofPlatonic, discusses how society devalues friendship in favor of romantic relationships—and the power of re-prioritizing friendship. Plus, how to turn a stranger into a friend, and harness emotional management for healthier, more meaningful companionship.

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Full show notes

We often place our romantic relationships above all else–just look how many new dating apps are invented every year! We pledge to love each other until death does us part, assuming that our perfect soulmate might be the only person we’ll ever need. And although love, marriage and the baby carriage can bring us plenty of joy, we sometimes forget about a tried-and-true source of support and kindness–friendship.

Unfortunately, we often treat friendship as secondary, when we should be doing the opposite. Our friendships tend to outlast those romantic relationships…even when we thought that love was forever. Plus, having strong friendships has been linked to higher self-esteem, greater levels of empathy, and an overall increase in quality of life. This especially true for teens, who are still learning how to forge strong relationships of all kinds.

So how can we encourage teens to make more friends? We’re asking Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Marisa is a professor at the University of Maryland who writes regularly for Psychology Today. She’s also been featured in media outlets like the New York Times, NPR, and Good Morning America!

In our interview, Marisa and I are talking about why our culture stopped valuing friendship–and why we need to start prioritizing our friends again. We also discuss tips and tricks for making new friends, and how traits like authenticity and vulnerability can lead to deeper, more satisfying friendships.

Why Friendship is Powerful

When two people become romantically linked, we typically describe them as being “more than friends.” This implies that romantic love is at the top of the hierarchy, and often reinforces the idea that romantic or sexual love is the only kind of love that makes us “worthy,” says Marisa.

But friendship can be an incredible and bountiful form of love, and one we shouldn’t neglect, she explains. In the episode, we discuss why platonic love became stigmatized as homophobia grew in society, until romantic love became the only acceptable alternative.

Marisa explains that friendship also has benefits beyond just giving us someone to talk to. Having friendships in childhood and adolescence has been linked to higher levels of empathy, morality, and self consciousness in adult life. Companionship with others helps teens expand their understanding of the world and pick up new interests and hobbies. Making a friend who likes to golf might encourage teens to try golfing–and the same goes for skiing, chess, or any other activity!

Friends can also increase teens’ feelings of safety and security, even when it comes to physical threats, Marisa explains. Researchers found that when people have friends nearby, they describe possible dangers–like an impending shooter or even a steep hill–as significantly less frightening.

This can be a double-edged sword for teenagers, however, as being with a group of peers can embolden them to partake in certain risky behaviors. In the episode, Marisa and I explain how teens can harness the power of friendship for good instead of getting into trouble.

Having friends is great, but some teens have trouble getting to know their peers. In our interview, Marisa shares some great advice for teens who are struggling to connect with others.

The Art of Making Friends

We typically don’t try to “force” friendships with strangers…we’d prefer it to just happen naturally! But very few friendships actually happen naturally, Marisa says. Most of the time, one or both parties have to be intentional about creating the friendship, as well as maintaining it.

Oftentimes, there’s one person within a group who initiates friendships with the others, a person whom Marisa calls “the igniter.” Marisa explains that we should encourage teens to be igniters, and create new friendships wherever they can. Not only will this lead them to have a wider circle, but it gives them the chance to control the dynamic of their social settings by being the “connector.”

Step one is usually talking to strangers, however, something most of us would rather avoid doing. Marisa encourages teens, adults, and everyone in between to approach strangers for a conversation, and simply assume that people will respond positively! In the episode, she breaks down some research that indicates that those who assume they’ll be liked by strangers come across much more confident and have a higher chance of making friends.

We also tend to bond with people to whom we are repeatedly exposed, says Marisa. School, work and hobbies are where most people form connections to others, simple from just being around one another. For this reason, Marisa encourages us to sign our kids up for plenty of extracurriculars, so that they’re in the same room with certain peers over and over.

Making friends is one thing, but keeping them is another! In the episode, Marisa is explaining how we can form stronger, more durable bonds by being vulnerable and authentic.

Forging Stronger Friendships

If we want sturdy and intimate connections to others, we have to be vulnerable with them, says Marisa. Sometimes we suppress our feelings and refuse to admit when we need someone to lean on–but this holds us back from having the close, satisfying friendships we desire, Marisa explains. If we’re not showing our friends we’re in pain, how will they know that we’re hurting?

This is especially true for young men, who are often taught to hold their emotions in. When boys feel like they can’t share their struggles with friends, they find themselves facing tough situations without a support system. This emotional suppression among men and boys as been proven to increase rates of mental illness, suicidal ideation and even harmful physical health conditions.

To help boys express their emotions, Marisa says that fathers need to model emotional vulnerability. Boys are bound to look towards male role models for how to behave, and will take positive cues from fathers who talk about their feelings or even go to therapy!

Authenticity is also an important part of forming lasting friendships, and it often comes with emotional management, Marisa explains. Those who are uncomfortable with feelings like jealousy tend to take out their feelings on friends by being petty or fake, says Marisa. She encourages teens to be “mindful, not primal,” by paying attention to and handling their emotions without forcing them onto others.

In the Episode…

There’s so much great advice in this episode that you won’t want to miss! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How we can set healthy boundaries in friendships
Why we should confront our friends when we...

Ep 220: How to Raise An Anti-Racist Dec 11, 2022

Tiffany Jewell, author of This Book is Anti-Racist, joins us to explain how we can raise teens who actively fight against discrimination of all kinds. We discuss the difference between race and ethnicity, explain how teens can explore their own identity, and break down the harmful effects of microaggressions.

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Full show notes

Instead, Tiffany says we should encourage teens toMicroaggressions, intersectionality, gendered language–all these concepts are floating around the internet and even coming out of our teens’ mouths, but what do they really mean? We know that teens shouldn’t be racist or sexist, and that it’s important to treat everyone equally, but is there more to the discrimination discussion than just telling teens to be nice to others?

The answer is yes–If we want teens to create a better, more equitable society, we have to educate them on the nuanced reality of discrimination. Not only that, but we have to teach them how to actively fight against it!

To help our kids become warriors against injustice, we’re talking to Tiffany Jewell, author of the New York Times #1 Bestseller, This Book Is Anti-Racist and The Antiracist Kid. Tiffany is an educator who has been working with children and families for nearly two decades! Her work focuses on anti-bias and antiracism education for kids and teenagers everywhere.

In our interview, Tiffany and I are discussing the difference between race and ethnicity and explaining how you can help your teen discover their own intersectional identity. Plus, how teens can deal with microaggressions from both friends and strangers.

Race vs. Ethnicity

Tiffany and I talk a lot about racism in the episode, but to understand racism, we first need to understand race!

Tiffany explains that race is actually a social construct, instead of something found within the natural world. The word “race” typically refers to a person’s skin color, hair texture or other physical attributes. While race has often been a way to categorize people over time, it’s not entirely accurate and even has a pretty harmful history, as it’s often used to justify oppression against minority groups.

embrace the concept of ethnicity. Ethnicity refers to ancestry, and the origins of those whom you and your teen are descended from. While “Asian” might be seen as a racial identity, ethnicity goes deeper to discover what region a person is actually from, like South Korea, Thailand or Cambodia. Ethnicity also encompasses language, religion, and other aspects of culture that truly provide the nuanced reality of a person's background.

In our interview, Tiffany explains that we often don’t know the difference between the two terms because our education systems don’t teach us to differentiate. Even government forms are slow to adapt to these different definitions, often just asking if we’re “black or white”, “hispanic or non-hispanic”. These general categorizations leave little room for nuance–it wasn’t even until the year 2000 that the census allowed citizens to identify as more than one ethnicity.

Understanding the difference between these terms is often a good start for teens exploring their intersectional identity. In the episode, Tiffany and I are breaking down what intersectional identity means and how teens can develop a strong sense of pride in who they are.

Intersectional Identities

You may have heard the term “intersectional,” but what does it really mean? Tiffany explains that we all have various different social identities–our ethnicities, gender identities, and sexuality, among others. Intersectionality refers to how each of these traits intersect within our own identity, and how they change our relationship to others in society.

For example, Tiffany shares that she identifies with multiple ethnicities, while also identifying as a cisgender woman. This means she’s faced some forms of discrimination–but not necessarily all of them. She can speak to the reality of experiencing racism, but she hasn’t had hateful rhetoric like transphobia or homophobia aimed her way.

She reminds us that teens shouldn’t compete with others to prove who’s more “oppressed”, but instead see how others also experience discrimination thats similar to or different than what they face. Understanding that different kinds of people can face a multitude of forms of oppression can be critical for teens who are still piecing together the realities of discrimination within the world at large.

In the episode, Tiffany and I discuss how teens are often taught to feel embarrassed about all the ways their identity doesn’t fit into the dominant white, male, neurotypical culture–but those differences can actually be superpowers. Teens who are neurodivergent, differently-abled or simply unique can learn to embrace what makes them stand out and harness it, says Tiffany. In the interview, we talk more about how teens can turn these “weaknesses” into superpowers.

For teens who identify with certain ethnic or gender identities, stereotypes and microaggressions are an unfortunate part of life. Tiffany is explaining what microaggressions are and how teens can deal with them.

Managing Microaggressions

Microaggressions are comments that might seem small or inconspicuous, but are actually quite harmful, says Tiffany. Often, these comments refer to someone’s ethnicity or identity in a way that’s demeaning or inappropriate.

In our interview Tiffany shares an example from her own life, when someone tried to make a game out of guessing her ethnicity. She found their behavior dehumanizing–as do many people who deal with microaggressions.

So how can teens deal with microaggressions if they find one hurled their way? Tiffany explains that it's good for teenagers to have the right friends, people who can defend them if somebody makes an offensive comment. And if their friends aren’t around to witness it, teens should have someone they can talk to about how the microaggression made them feel–whether that's a friend, parent, or mentor.

Sometimes teens might want to call out the person who uttered the offensive comment, and Tiffany says that’s typically appropriate. If someone utters a microaggression, they should be held accountable, especially if they’re a public figure of any kind.

There are some instances, however, where teens might want to “call in” instead of calling out, meaning they might want to just pull the aggressor aside for a talk. Tiffany explains that this is often in order when it’s a friend who’s made an inappropriate comment, and the talk needs to be a bit more personal. In our interview, we talk more about how teens can face microaggressions and other forms of hateful rhetoric as they move through the world.

In The Episode…

Tiffany and I tackle so many important issues in this week’s episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why activism is much more effective than charity
How schools cherry pick which cultural histories to teach
Why we should change our gendered language
How kids can make space for ot...

Ep 219: Discipline Without Negativity Dec 04, 2022

Darby Fox, author of Rethinking Your Teenager, joins us to discuss how we can implement discipline without falling into negative cycles with our kids. We also talk about how why we should rethink the sex talk and the importance of teaching kids kindness.

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Full show notes

We all know what it’s like to get caught in a negative cycle with our kids. They break the rules, we crack down, they retaliate, then the whole thing happens over and over again. All we want is to keep the peace, but it feels impossible when teens constantly test our boundaries and nerves!

The truth is, it’s not easy to implement discipline and still maintain a positive relationship with teens. We want to set rules, but we don’t want teens to think we’re suspicious of them. We want to maintain authority without being a tyrant. How can we keep our close bond with teens while enforcing the rules?

To find out, we’re talking to Darby Fox, author of Rethinking Your Teenager: Shifting from Control and Conflict to Structure and Nurture to Raise Accountable Young Adults. Darby is a child and adolescent family psychologist with a private practice in Connecticut. She has over 20 years of experience working with families, and is here to help us take a new approach to our communication with teens.

In our interview, Darby and I are discussing why we need to understand our kids’ mindsets, why parents should rethink the sex talk, and how we can enforce discipline without sacrificing our relationship with our kids.

Understanding the Teenage Mindset

As parents, we have dreams and goals for our kids. We hope they'll get great grades, go to a prestigious university, become successful adults and live happily ever after. It can be terrifying when we feel like they’re straying onto the wrong path–and our fear can lead us to say some things we regret. We tell them we’re disappointed, that this isn’t how we raised them, and that they should know better….but this only seems to make both teens and parents feel worse in the end.

Instead, Darby suggests that we try to get into teens’ heads to figure out what’s motivating their behavior. She recommends that we stop looking for solutions to whatever problem teens are having, and instead talk to them about what’s causing the problem. Finding out teens’ motivations, fears, worries, and thoughts can open up the door to some great, productive conversations about their behavior, she says, instead of just shutting them down by scolding or yelling.

Teen’s brains are still developing, and this means that they’re often driven towards short-term gratification and excitement. They’re not trying to get themselves into a bad spot, they just want fun and novelty, says Darby. If we really want them to make good choices, we might just have to let them make bad ones, she says. While we can spend all day telling teens why they shouldn’t drink, it might not stop them from blacking out and crawling home.

When they do, Darby recommends that instead of shaming them, we sit down with them and help them break down what happened. This might help them rethink the situation, and whether or not they really want to touch alcohol again for a while, Darby says. She believes parents should behave like gutters in a bowling alley–there in case things go off their intended path.

Of all the tough conversations parents have to have with kids, the sex talk might be the most awkward. In our interview, Darby and I are talking about how you can take a more accepting approach to “the talk.”

Rethinking The Sex Talk

Darby’s first recommendation for parents heading into a sex talk is to be direct. There’s often a lot of hemming and hawing about what we should and shouldn’t tell kids, if we should shelter them or avoid specific topics. But if we’re just honest and open, the talk can be a lot more effective, she says. She even recommends asking about what’s been going on at school–if they’ve been hearing about what other kids are doing and what they think about it.

Sometimes teens’ feeling about sex can be layered. They might feel a social pressure to start before they’re ready, or a need to seek validation from others that might result in promiscuous behavior. Maybe they have questions that they feel like they’re not able to ask anyone, and this can lead them to feel isolated. All this can make having the talk even harder–but also more essential, says Darby.

When you’re dishing out information to teens, Darby says it's ok if they don’t respond, or run away cringing after. What’s most important is that they listened and received the information, she says. In the episode, we talk about what topics we should emphasize in the talk, including adolescent identity formation, how to notice red flags in potential partners, and possible gendered differences when it comes to first love.

To wrap up our conversation, Darby and I are talking about discipline, and how some parents set their kids up to fail by disciplining too much or too little. Plus, the importance of mutual respect when communicating with kids.

The Key to Effective Discipline

When kids are pushing our buttons, it's easy to let our emotions escalate. But when we’re yelling and pointing fingers, we aren’t really our best selves, says Darby. It’s important to stay somewhat neutral, or at least not let our emotions get the better of us when teens are exhibiting triggering behavior. Darby recommends that we pause when we feel ourselves getting riled up, and take a minute to ask ourselves why we’re feeling so emotional.

When you do lose your temper, Darby recommends taking a second to apologize. Parents aren’t perfect, and it's ok to acknowledge that, she says. It can help to remind teens that you might not agree with them, but you still trust them and understand their way of thinking. Darby explains that a parent-child relationship requires mutual respect, just like any other relationship.

Modeling manners and respect can actually be critical to helping kids develop healthy self-esteem, says Darby. Although most parents aim to teach their kids the value of kindness in a small way, Darby says this should actually be a major priority. Helping kids realize that they're not the center of the universe is essential if we want them to grow up with a sense of selflessness. When they help others, they also build up their own self worth, all while making the world a better place.

In The Episode…

Darby shares so much wisdom with us in this week’s interview. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How we can change the conversation around substances
Why we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other parents
How we can approach the topic of divorce
What to do when teens get a bad grade

If you enjoyed this episode, you can find more from Darby on her website, darbyfox.com, or on twitter @askdarbyfox. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you next week.

Ep 218: Planning For a Bright Future Nov 27, 2022

Tamara Raymond, author of Careering, joins us to discuss how teens can get a head start on career development while they’re still in high school. We talk about how teens can build a professional network, find their passion, and handle the job application process.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Teens these days are expected to have everything figured out by the time they finish high school–which is a nearly impossible task. Even though they're only taking their first wobbly steps into maturity, it seems like they’ve got to have their college major, future career and financial life plan all worked out by the time they turn 18!

Needless to say, they’re going to need a lot of help if they’re going to make it out there in the real world. As parents, we want to assist our kids as they transition into adulthood–so how can we help teens start making smart career decisions when they’re still living under our roofs? Is there a way we can prepare them to go into adult life with their best foot forward?

That’s what we’re asking Tamara Raymond, author of Careering: The Pocket Guide to Exploring Your Future Career. Tamara is a certified leadership coach and career strategist with over 15 years of experience helping people become their best selves! Today, she’s helping us see how teens can get a headstart on career development before they reach adulthood.

In our interview, we’re covering how teens can start discovering their passions and how they can build a professional network with resources they already have! Plus, how parents can guide teens through job and internship applications–and help them handle rejection.

Finding Passion and Purpose

To find out what they’re passionate about, Tamara recommends teens try anything and everything. Luckily, high school is the perfect time to do so! Signing up for lots of extracurriculars and activities is a good way to start figuring out where their purpose lies.

Plenty of kids pick extracurriculars with the singular goal of getting into college, only to find themselves transferring schools or changing their major three times once they get in. While this isn’t inherently bad, it can cost a lot of time and money, says Tamara. High school gives teens more wiggle room to try on different potential career paths and see what fits, she explains.

In the episode, Tamara and I talk about a concept called “indepent study,” in which teens can explore their interests on their own outside of school. If a teen is interested in learning a language, working with animals, or developing a skill, high school is a great time for teens to create their own “program” and dive into these topics on their own time.

Volunteering is another good way to not only get experience for a first resume, but also try out different possible career opportunities, Tamara explains. Teens can try volunteering at an animal clinic, at the local hospital, or even serving food nearby to see if they’re interested in one of those fields. They’ll never know until they try, Tamara says.

When teens get involved in their interests outside of school, this often creates space for a mentor to enter the picture. Tamara and I are talking about how teens can find mentorship or even develop a professional network while they’re still in high school.

Building a Network

Creating a professional network doesn't have to include fancy conventions or Linkedin–it can start within your own family, Tamara explains. If teens reach out to uncles, aunts, cousins or family friends, they might find that there are plenty of interesting connections to be made. Maybe an aunt knows someone who works in radio, or a cousin heard about an internship program for aspiring designers. Whatever their interest, teens might be surprised to find out how many connections are already available to them, says Tamara.

She also recommends that if teens are taking part in extracurricular and volunteer opportunities, that they make time to talk to those around them. These people can offer great insights or advice about life, or even help teens get a job one day.

If teens are able to score an internship or entry-level job at a company they hope to work for one day, building a network there should be one of their biggest priorities. That way, if they ever return, they’ll already have relationships in the organization, Tamara explains.

The internet can also be a powerful tool, particularly social media, says Tamara. Although we often see the negative side of social media, there can be benefits as well, if it’s used right, she says. Teens should make sure to watch what they post however, as certain comments might get them in trouble in the future, she warns. There are plenty of examples of this among celebrities, and teens might learn a lesson or two about posting impulsively from paying attention to these stories in the news.

As teens get older, they’ll find themselves applying for more and more things, including jobs, interviews, scholarships or even colleges. Tamara and I are talking about how you can guide teens through tough application processes and even help them face rejection.

Facing the Application Process

The job search process has changed over time, and continues to change, Tamara says. Gone are the days of simply waltzing in and handing over a resume–most applications, networking, and job opportunities are online now.

This can come with a whole host of new problems, says Tamara. Zoom interviews can be troubled by bad connections, background noise or technical problems. Emails can be full of typos, scheduling apps can get confusing, and the internet can simply be less personal. Kids are up against all of these problems as they move into the professional world, but Tamara’s got some tips for handling it.

The most important tip for handling the world of digital mix ups? Just be honest, says Tamara. If teens are having problems with Zoom, they shouldn’t ignore it, but instead acknowledge it. Talking about these problems can be a good way to help teens be present in the moment, instead of tense or scared or making mistakes. In the episode, Tamara shares the story of a time when her stomach wouldn’t stop growling in an interview, but acknowledging it actually helped her get the job.

How can parents help? Tamara says pushing teens to leave their comfort zone can be a start. Teens might not always be quick to believe in themselves, and that’s where they need parents to step in and provide some encouragement.

Tamara also recommends that we create an aura of fun around the process instead of turning up the pressure. Teens are likely going to face a lot of rejection, and a light-hearted approach will help them bounce back when things get tough. In the episode Tamara and I talk more about how you can help teens handle the sting of rejection.

In the Episode…

Tamara has plenty of helpful career advice, no matter where your teen is at in their journey. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why teens should double check their reference letters
How teens can make the most of scholarships
Why it's important to ...

Ep 217: Why Your Teen Thinks Differently Nov 20, 2022

Chantel Prat, author of The Neuroscience of You, joins us to talk about how every brain is unique. We discuss the left and right brain, how to use psychology to motivate teenagers, and why every teen has a different way of thinking.

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We all think differently–it's what makes our world so wonderful to live in. We each have unique opinions, perspectives and ideas to bring to the table!

We often chalk up these differences to our individual upbringings or life experiences–but what if there are fundamental structural differences within each of our brains that change the way we think? What if our brains aren’t one size fits all?

These are the questions we’re attempting to answer this week in our interview with Chantel Prat. Chantel is a cognitive neuroscientist, internationally renowned speaker and professor at the University of Washington! She’s joining us today to discuss some powerful ideas from her new book, The Neuroscience of You: How Every Brain is Different and How to Understand Yours.

In our interview, Chantel and I are breaking down how the left and right hemispheres of our brains affect our behavior differently. We’re also discussing why some teens are motivated by reward, and others by punishment. Plus, how each person’s brain operates in a unique way and why it matters.

Left Brain vs. Right Brain

You may have heard that the left brain is more analytical, while the right brain is more creative. While this is an interesting idea, it’s not totally backed by science, Chantel explains. There are differences between the function of the two hemispheres, but they aren’t as simple as one might think. In the episode, Chantel and I are discussing the existing research about the differences between the left and right sides of the brain.

One study examined people who lost the tie between the two hemispheres, meaning that each could be studied individually, says Chantel. The researchers asked the participants of the study to draw a picture based on a prompt, and found out that the right brain is engaged when creating visual interpretations.

However, when people were asked to use their own language to describe what they’d drawn, they suddenly started to make up totally new explanations for their images that had nothing to do with the prompt!

Chantel explains that this phenomenon occurred because the left brain is responsible not just for generating language but also for making inferences about causality and justifying our own behavior. This means there’s often a disconnect between the true reason for our actions and our conscious justifications for them, says Chantel.

In fact, much of our decision making is done within our subconscious, Chantel explains. This is especially true for teenagers, whose brains are still developing. When they seem unable to justify their behavior, it’s likely because they don’t have the brain mechanisms to do so yet, says Chantel.

While kids can’t always explain their behavior, it’s clear that they have certain motivations for their actions. Whether it’s the thrill of winning a homecoming game, the fear of failing a test or the satisfaction of saving for their first car, each teen has their own motivating forces. Chantel and I are talking about what motivates teens and how parents can understand their teens’ own method of motivation.

What Motivates Teens?

Although motivation is complicated, Chantel explains a basic spectrum we can use to understand what motivates our kids (and ourselves). Chantel explains that at one end of the spectrum, there are “carrot” learners, who are spurned forward by rewards. On the other end are “stick” learners, or those who make decisions based on their desire to avoid negative outcomes.

You may have heard of the chemical dopamine, and that it plays a role in happiness. As Chantel explains in the episode, dopamine is a reward chemical that makes us feel satisfied when we achieve or obtain something. On the other hand, when we find ourselves disappointed, we experience what Chantel calls a “dopamine dip” and receive less dopamine than we expected.

Carrot learners are motivated to seek out dopamine, and learn to repeat the behaviors that bring it–like eating food, buying something they’ve had their eye on, or even reaching a lofty goal. Stick learners, on the other hand, are motivated by the memories of those dopamine dips, and want to avoid the same unpleasant feeling they associate with disappointment. Chantel and I talk about how you can figure out if your teen is a stick or a carrot learner and what that means for your relationship with them.

Although we can look at the science of different hemispheres and motivation styles, each individual’s brain is truly unique, Chantel explains. In the episode, we’re breaking down why everyone’s brain operates differently, and how we can help our kids embrace their own way of thinking.

Why Your Teen’s Brain Is Unique

Chantel finds it frustrating that we often approach neuroscience with the belief that brains are one-size-fits-all. The truth is that our brains each have unique ways of interacting with the world and processing information.

To demonstrate her point, Chantel tells me about some of her research, in which she monitors participants’ brain activity while they’re doing nothing. When a brain isn’t given a task, researchers can measure the frequencies emitted by their brain in different areas. By measuring these frequencies, Chantel is able to make interpretations about how each person’s brain works uniquely.

Particularly, she measures these frequencies as they relate to long term planning vs. sensitivity to the current environment. Essentially, Chantel can read how much energy people spend working towards long term goals, and how much energy is spent navigating the present.

Each person’s brain does this differently, she explains, including teenagers. In the episode, we’re talking about how we can understand this concept as it applies to our kids, in educational, social and personal contexts.

In the Episode…

Chantel’s extensive knowledge of the brain is remarkable! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why we should rethink standardized testing
How parts of our brains become specialized
Why left-handed people think differently
How extroverted people receive stronger dopamine responses

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Chantel at chantelprat.com. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 216: Creating a Coming-of-Age Ritual Nov 13, 2022

David Arms and son Steven Arms, authors of Milestone to Manhood, join us this week to talk about how families can organize a coming-of-age ritual that helps teens embrace their impending adulthood. They break down their family’s ritual, and explain how you can create your own.

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Full show notes

Preparing kids for the responsibilities of adulthood is one of parenting’s most critical challenges. Although kids officially become “adults” at 18, the journey to adulthood starts long before then. Teens are figuring out their values, career, love life and identity as they move through puberty and high school!

For parents, it can be nerve-wracking to watch as kids attempt to handle the challenges of growing up. When teens are wracked with self doubt and insecurity, it can be hard to reassure them that they're ready to take on new responsibilities! If only there was something we could do to help them enter maturity with confidence and security…

This week, we’re talking about a special ritual parents and kids can complete together to signify the beginning of kids’ journey to adulthood. We’re talking to David and Steven Arms, authors of Milestone to Manhood. Our first ever father-son guest duo, these two men are here to tell us all about a ritual that takes place in their family whenever a boy turns 13–and how you can use their model to create your own family rite of passage.

In our interview, we’re discussing each element of their family coming-of-age ritual, and its significance. Plus, how David and Steven use this rite of passage to have important conversations about everything from faith to sex, and how you can plan a coming-of-age event for your own kid.

What Is A Rite of Passage?

When someone in the Arms family turns 13, the older males–uncles, cousins, brothers, grandpas and fathers–plan an entire weekend of activities for them. Throughout the weekend, the 13 year-old faces a slate of leadership tasks, and receives advice about life from each of his older relatives. This entire trip is kept secret from the participant, until it's already underway, Steve and David explain.

In the episode, David breaks down the rite of passage weekend he planned for Steven, which took place at a lakeside cabin. Throughout the weekend, there was a burning fire that Steven was expected to maintain. Instead of stoking it himself from morning to night, Steven took leadership and delegated its upkeep to each member of the family. The ability to practice leadership on a small, controlled scale is a big way to nudge kids towards adult responsibilities, they explain.

To David and Steven, devout Christians, the fire is an important biblical symbol or resilience. They encourage the listener to find their own version of this activity based on their personal faith or values. Other parts of their ritual, like each man reading a bible verse, can be replaced by recommending important books or sharing significant stories between the group–whatever your family is comfortable doing.

Beyond just activities, the rite of passage also includes having important discussions about life and growing up. Steven and David are breaking down how to approach heavy topics with teens as they’re coming of age.

Talking About The Big Stuff

During Steven’s rite of passage weekend, the men of his family had an open discussion about sex–which helped him develop a healthy relationship with his own sexuality, he says. Steven explains how hearing his family members discuss sex in a non-judgemntal manner among one another made him feel as though he could ask them anything. By removing the stigma around sex, the men were able to create a safe space to discuss it.

One of the main messages the older men attempt to impart on each trip is one of unconditional love and support. Reminding kids that you’ll love them no matter what provides them with the ability to have open dialogue with you no matter how old they are.

For example, Steven recalls a period where he was questioning his own values, and didn’t know if he could talk to his parents about it. Once he remembered the rite of passage weekend, however, he realized his family was a safe place for challenging discussions, and opened up to his grandfather about what he was feeling. His grandfather’s advice set him back on track and reminded him that he’s not alone.

David explains in the episode that kids are going to look for ways to feel like an adult as they move through teenagerhood, and sometimes turn to drugs or other risky behavior to feel mature. If we can have conversations with them about maturity while they’re in the process of growing up, we can help prevent them from going down a bad road.

So how can we create our own rite on passage weekend? What if our kids are older–is it too late? David, Steven and I are explaining how you can create a version of the ritual for your own family.

Creating Your Own Ritual

If you’re interested in recreating this coming of age ritual or designing your own, David and Steven recommend planning far in advance. They always send emails to family members months and weeks in advance, to ensure that they’d be able to fit the weekend into their busy lives. The more planning you do, the better, they explain, especially if you’re feeling nervous or overwhelmed. With a schedule and prepared discussion topics, no one will have to wing anything.

For parents who aren’t as close to their extended family or are pressed for time planning the weekend, a one-on-one event between father and son is better than nothing, they explain. David and Steven also encourage a little bit of spontaneity, recalling the valuable memories they made doing unplanned activities during the weekend. And although closer to 13 is better, it’s never too late to plan a weekend like this for kids.

David and Steven touch on the value of a gift passed between father and son at the end of the weekend–a gift that requires responsibility to signal their newfound maturity. This gift doesn't have to be expensive, but instead rich in sentimental value. David gave his sons each a piece of his own father’s coin collection, but encouraged parents to find their own version of this gift. It could be a piece of jewelry, a pet or a family antique, something to remind kids that they’re burgeoning adults with a new level of expected responsibility.

In The Episode…

I enjoyed talking to David and Steven this week about their unique family ritual. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why this ritual prepares kids to take on household chores
How different cultures inspired their take on a rite of passage
Why each mentor should leave teens with a book to read
How handwritten letters can play a role in the ritual

If you liked this episode, you can check out David and Steven’s website, milestonetomanhood.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 215: Eating Together, Being Together Nov 06, 2022

Caroline Clauss-Elhers, co-author ofEating Together, Being Together, joins us to talk about how cooking and eating with our kids creates opportunities for deeper connection.

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For centuries, food has brought people together. Whether we’re preparing a holiday feast with the whole family or grabbing lunch with an old friend, there’s something about cooking and eating together that creates a connection between human beings.

But sometimes we lose track of the value of sharing a meal–especially when it comes to daily family life. After a long day of work and school, it’s easy to throw a frozen pizza in the oven and sit your kids in front of the TV while you go upstairs for some much-needed peace and quiet.

Although it can be hard to find time for family dinner and even more difficult to muster up the energy to cook a meal, food can be a great way to connect with your kids. Cooking together provides opportunities to teach valuable life lessons, and sitting down for a meal can bring laughter, bonding, and essential communication. If you can find the time to cook and eat together, food might just bring your family closer than ever before.

To help us get the spices flowing and the conversation going, we’re talking to Caroline Clauss-Elhers, co-author of Eating Together, Being Together: Recipes, Activities and Advice From a Chef Dad and a Psychologist Mom. Caroline is an award-winning psychologist and professor at Long Island University, Brooklyn. She teamed up with her chef husband to write this book full of fun ways to incorporate food into family bonding!

In my conversation with Caroline, we’re discussing the important practical and philosophical lessons kids can learn from cooking.Creating delectable meals is a great way to bond with our teens, and provides a unique space to discuss fun and serious subjects.

How Cooking Can Be Educational

Cooking is more than just preparing tasty food–it also includes things like math, physics, and plant science! Preparing food together is a fun and productive way to teach kids about everything from fractions to fruit, says Caroline. Younger kids might be fascinated to learn about the composition of an egg, while older kids can try converting teaspoons to quarts. No matter how old your kid is, they’ll likely learn a thing or two if they step into the kitchen, Caroline says.

If we want our kids to learn life skills like leadership, perseverance, or patience, cooking is a great place to start, Caroline says. Making a meal is messy, and typically involves some trial and error. Before kids can produce the perfect omelet, they'll have to learn to remain resilient through pooly cracked eggs or burnt mushrooms! If there’s multiple cooks in the kitchen, Caroline suggests letting kids be in charge of delegating duties. This lets them try out a little bit of leadership and critical decision-making, she says.

The grocery shopping process is another chance to get kids learning–this time about money! Caroline suggests comparing the prices and attributes of multiple brands and asking kids which they think is a better deal. At the end of the trip, kids can look over a receipt and see how each item, discount, or fee was combined to make a total payment amount. These lessons might seem minor, but can be formative for kids still learning about the value of both money and food, Caroline explains.

Cooking and eating as a family is more than just educational! Parents can also use food to bond with kids in all sorts of ways. In our interview, Caroline and I are discussing how food preparation and consumption can be a path to better communication with kids.

How Food Brings Family Together

In our interview, Caroline and I are discussing all the ways families can use food to bond. In Caroline’s family, for example, making apple cider is a common activity. She hops into the car with her husband and kids and they drive to the apple orchard before bringing the fruit home to make the cider and enjoy it together.

Caroline explains that the car rides are often the highlight, because they give her family unstructured time to talk about their lives with one another. Although they could simply buy cider from the store, this from-scratch method is much more fun and creates opportunities for connection, says Caroline.

Sometimes, there’s a specific topic you want to bring up to your teen, but you aren’t sure of the right time and place. Caroline says cooking and eating together creates opportunities for heavier topics to come up organically. When your family is gathered in a comfortable environment doing something low-effort like eating or caramelizing onions, it often provides the chance to nudge your teen about their college applications or find out more about their friends at school.

You might be thinking to yourself, I don’t have time to cook! I’m too busy working or running kids from soccer practice to tutoring! In the episode, Caroline and I talk about different methods for busy parents to bond with kids over food. There are three meals and multiple snack occasions to capitalize on, she says, and there’s bound to be at least one opportunity in the day to cook or eat with kids. Even something small like cutting fruit together or making a sandwich can be a good opportunity to chat about your day.

But what do we do when we’re munching away on mashed potatoes and teens suddenly bring up a serious topic? In our interview, Caroline and I are discussing how we can listen and respond to kids who are struggling with everything from school to social anxiety.

Why Listening Goes a Long Way

When kids are coming to us with concerns about dating, drinking, or a bad grade, the conversation can get pretty tense. Parents tend to have opinions on these subjects, and sometimes when we’re listening, we just can’t wait to blurt out our own feelings about what teens should do. However, jumping in with a solution might do more harm than good, says Caroline. In the episode, she’s outlining a strategy for responding to teens who are struggling–and listening without our own agenda is step one.

Instead of chiming in right away, Caroline suggests listening attentively and trying to understand how kids feel. And when we do offer our two cents, she recommends we validate teens feelings and opinions in the process. This can be tricky, Caroline explains, as sometimes teens are being irrational or unreasonable. But their feelings and your feelings can both be right, she says. Acknowledging the validity of both stances can be a good way to start breaking down the problem at hand in a practical way.

Caroline explains that simply having someone to talk to can be immensely valuable for teens. Studies show that having one trusted adult in their corner can do wonders for kids who are struggling with growing pains and trying to make sense of the world. In the episode, Caroline and I talk about how parents can guide teens through tough situations like social anxiety, the pandemic, and more.

In the Episode…

I had so much fun interviewing Caroline this week! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about…

Why cook...

Ep 214: Resilience Through Emotional Management Oct 30, 2022

Kate Lund, author of Bounce, joins us to explain how teens can face obstacles and practice resilience when life gets tough. We also discuss the importance of stress management, goal setting and trying new things.

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Full show notes

Your teen might have the perfect life plan–become class president, get a basketball scholarship, and go to the medical school of their dreams. But no matter how put-together your teen is, they’re likely to encounter plenty of obstacles on the road to success. They might not make the school basketball team at all, or maybe they’ll receive a rejection letter from the college they swore they’d go to

If teens let these challenges bring them down, they might not reach the future they’ve envisioned. But if they’re resilient enough to push past hardships, they may find that all of their dreams are entirely possible!

Building resilience is no easy task, however. That’s why we’re talking to Kate Lund, author of Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive In School, Sports and Life. Kate is a psychologist and life coach with over 15 years of experience helping people of all ages overcome hardship.

In our interview, Kate and I are discussing how teens can gain resilience from learning to manage their emotions. We're also talking about how teens can stay motivated, and why teens need confidence and courage if they want to strive for greatness.

Modeling Emotional Management

There’s no shortage of frustrating situations in life, especially for teens who are still figuring it all out. When things go wrong, teens tend to get stressed–and how they deal with this stress makes all the difference, Kate says.

In order to find resilience, teens have to master stress management, she explains. When teens manage their stress properly by exercising, painting, or spending time with friends, they’re able to remain even-keeled and calm most of the time, explains Kate. But when they let their stress run free, any triggering situation can put them over the top and cause them to melt down. By scheduling time to regularly de-stress, teens can stay grounded when challenges arise.

To help teens gain emotional management skills, try modeling them yourself, Kate suggests. When you're dealing with something frustrating or overwhelming, you shouldn’t hide this from teens, she explains. Letting teens see your negative emotions can remind them that stress is totally normal. When kids see parents handling their emotions in healthy ways, they'll be reassured that they’re capable of the same, says Kate.

Another way parents can model healthy emotional habits is by practicing kindness in a visible way. When anger or sadness go unmanaged, these emotions can lead us to become unkind to those in our lives, says Kate. Showing teens that we’re capable of being kind to anyone, no matter their beliefs or opinions, is an incredibly powerful way of modeling emotional management, she says.

If kids are truly striving for resilience, they’ll have to keep their motivation going, no matter what obstacles are in their path. In the episode, we’re talking about how teens can stay motivated through any challenges they might face.

Motivation and Goal Setting

To maintain motivation, Kate recommends that kids set attainable goals. They might have a grand goal of getting into their dream school, but they’ve got to have smaller goals along the way if they want to stay motivated, she says. Their first goal might be getting all the necessary letters of recommendation by a certain date, and their second goal might be finishing their essays in time for early admission. Reaching these small goals helps teens feel accomplished, which in turn motivates them to keep going.

Sometimes parents push teens to pursue activities that teens just don’t seem to care about. This might be because we don’t want kids to be quitters or because we have our own selfish interest in the activity. This can cause kids’ motivation to stall out. Instead, Kate recommends that you encourage teens to pursue what they actually enjoy, letting their natural motivation take over. As a parent, you can help kids stay motivated by encouraging them to follow their passions.

What if your teen doesn’t feel motivated to achieve anything? Kate says you should give unmotivated teens time to figure out where they want to direct their energy. Not every teen moves at the same speed, she explains. She suggests that both parents and teens remain open to new experiences and connections through their teenage years and even into young adulthood. We never know what might inspire us, and teens shouldn’t hold themselves back from the possibility of finding their spark.

There are a few other things that factor into resilience, including qualities like confidence and courage. Kate and I are discussing how teens can gain these traits and find resilience.

Courage and Confidence

For teens who are facing the impending world of adulthood, confidence isn’t always easy. But the more kids embrace challenges and overcome them, the more confident they’ll be the next time an obstacle comes around. Resilience comes with learning to be uncomfortable, says Kate, and if we want to raise confident teens, we’ve got to encourage them to leave their comfort zones.

The same goes for courage, Kate explains. Kids might be scared to try something new, but courage comes from trying anyway, she says. If teens fail, parents can push them to approach the activity from a different angle, or prompt them to simply try again. Once teens realize that they’re capable of overcoming failure, they’ll eventually gain the courage to try anything they desire, Kate says.

Although it’s typically helpful to encourage teens, there are some cases when we should refrain from pushing them too much, sys Kate. Some parents tend to overschedule kids, filling up their day with sports practice, test prep, tutoring sessions and chess club. This overscheduling can lead teens to burn out, and hurt their ability to focus on anything at all. Kate recommends we monitor how much teens are sleeping, eating or socializing to make sure they’re not overworked to the point of exhaustion.

In the Episode….

I enjoyed talking to Kate this week about resilience, stress management, motivation and more! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why teens might benefit from meditating
How teens can fight distractions to stay focused
Why it’s important for teens to have hope
How parents can model motivation

If you enjoyed listening, you can find Kate’s book, Bounce, on Amazon. Thanks for tuning in, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you next week.

Ep 213: Guiding Teens Through Grief Oct 23, 2022

Dr. Elena Lister, psychologist and author of Giving Hope, speaks about why it’s so essential to discuss death with our kids. Elena explains how to have age-appropriate talks when a loved one passes, and how to help grieving teens who are struggling to open up.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

When a loved one is seriously ill or passes unexpectedly, there’s no easy way to tell our kids. While we want them to know the truth and feel supported through any grief they might have, we don’t want to freak them out or say the wrong thing. This is particularly true when it comes to teenagers, who typically don’t want to talk to parents about anything–especially intense emotions.

But talking about death and loss can be immensely valuable for teens, especially after a tragedy. Opening up a conversation about grief reminds teens that their home is a safe space for difficult feelings. For teens who feel like they’re mourning on their own, having a parent to turn to can make all the difference.

Today we’re talking to Dr. Elena Lister, co-author of Giving Hope: Conversations with Children About Illness, Death, and Loss. Elena is a psychology professor and practicing psychologist. In her work, she specializes in treating people who are struggling with grief. She also travels to schools to help kids deal with the loss of teachers, school staff or other members of their community.

In our interview, Elena and I are covering why conversations about death are so essential, and what we can say to support teens who are working through the loss of a loved one. Plus, how you can help teens who don’t want to open up about their grief.

Discussing Death With Kids

Although it can be one of the most difficult topics for anyone to talk about, discussing death can also be incredibly important. Death is an inevitable part of life, explains Elena, and kids are often already aware of it before we ever bring it up. Pixar movies touch on themes of grief and loss, and school curriculums tackle famous figures who’ve passed. Without a conversation about death at home, kids can sometimes feel like they’re grappling with the concept alone.

When we allow kids to feel comfortable talking about death, we help them claim ownership over their emotions, says Elena. These talks remind teens that they’re capable of managing difficult things in both the present and the future–tough emotions included, Elena says. If we don’t offer them this refuge, teens can bring the trauma of these losses into adulthood, where they may have even more trouble working through them.

Elena explains that it can sometimes be tempting to lie to kids when the reality of death arises–like telling kids that the family dog went off to live on a farm when the truth is that he’s passed. But lying can undermine the bond of trust between you and your teen, Elena says, leading kids to be suspicious of anything else you might say for years to come. Plus, teens can often sense when you aren’t telling the truth, and might feel upset if they know you’re hiding something, she explains.

Whether you have to break the news of a loved one's passing or just want to help kids understand the concept of death, these conversations aren’t easy. Elena is helping us understand what we can say to help teens feel supported, and what terms or topics to avoid.

Finding the Right Moment To Talk

If you want to have a conversation about death with teens, Elena recommends weaving this talk into everyday life. It might not seem intuitive, but bringing these heavy topics into a more casual environment can make them easier to discuss. She suggests leaving time for kids to ask questions after the talk, and then returning to daily activities. It can also be comforting to spend some time together doing something simple after, like watching a movie.

What’s the best time of day for the conversation? Elena advises us not to break the news of a loved one’s passing before bedtime, she says, as humans are predisposed to feel lonely at night. If possible, she recommends we avoid telling kids before they go off to school, unless it’s someone in their immediate circle. Elena explains that kids often perceive a shift in energy among parents and peers when someone passes, and this might cause confusion if the circumstances are clearly communicated.

Elena suggests that parents choose a moment when they're free to spend some time with kids afterwards–if the situation allows. If you can sit with teens without distractions, they’ll know you're there to comfort them and guide them through any grief they might have. In our interview, Elena and I talk about how important it is to put down our phones and other electronics during this time–even though it can be tempting to scroll through emails to deflect tension.

Sometimes, however, teens don’t want to start up a conversation at all. This can lead parents to wonder if teens are struggling to communicate their grief, or simply talking about their feelings with someone else. Elena and I are talking about how you can interpret teens’ closed-off behavior and help them accept any feelings they might be wrestling with.

Guiding Teens Through Grief

We all react differently to grief, Elena explains. If teens aren’t crying or showing outward signs of sadness, it doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Some kids even feel guilty about not crying, and might need a gentle reminder that any reaction they’re having is ok, says Elena. When kids seem to be avoiding emotion altogether, Elena suggests trying to find a non-verbal way they can express their grief. We share more specific ways to do this in the episode.

Teens are usually experiencing the natural process of finding their independence, and may not want to talk to parents about what they’re feeling. If they aren’t sharing their grief with you, Elena recommends ensuring that they’re talking to someone else. Whether that person is a friend, a teacher, a counselor or a different family member, having someone else to open up to can be an essential part of processing the death of a loved one.

Sometimes teens need the help of a professional, like a therapist or grief counselor. But how do we know when it's time to call for this resource? Elena says that if teens aren’t able to reacclimate regular life in four to six weeks, it might be wise to set up a professional appointment. If they aren’t eating or sleeping, refuse to come out of their room or suddenly begin acting up, they might need additional help beyond what parents can give.

In the Episode…

There’s so much to learn from Elena in this episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

What to do if a loved one dies while kids are away
How to speak to kids about suicide
Why celebrities’ deaths can trigger kids’ own trauma
Why every kid should have a goldfish

If you enjoyed this week’s episodes, you can find more from Elena at elenalistermd.com, or on Twitter @Elenalistermd1. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you next week.

Ep 212: Reset Health by Starting with Stress Oct 16, 2022

Doni Wilson, author of Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health, joins us to explain the science behind the body’s stress response. We talk about how everyone’s reaction to stress is unique, and how teens can take some steps to de-stress.

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Full show notes

Today’s teens are at risk of major stress overload. On top of managing their grades and competing for spots at exclusive universities, they’re battling the onslaught of a recession and a world battered by a pandemic. They’ve also got to navigate a complicated digital landscape! With phone notifications going off every five minutes demanding their attention, it’s no wonder teens are chronically stressed out.

You may have heard of some stress relief methods for kids, like yoga, journaling, or taking long walks...but do they really work? Do teens need to go to therapy to feel better? Should they quit their extracurriculars to make more time for relaxation? What could possibly give kids the stress relief they need?

The bottom line is, stress isn’t one-size-fits-all, and neither is the solution! If we want to find out how teens can de-stress, we’ll have to learn more about how each teen’s body processes stress in the first place.

To learn more about the nuances of stress and possible solutions, we’re talking to Dr. Doni Wilson, author of Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health. Doni is a doctor of naturopathic medicine, a certified nutrition specialist, a bestselling author and an internationally renowned speaker! As a clinician, Doni focuses on stress recovery–specifically the regulation of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.

In our interview, Doni is breaking down the body’s stress response and how it affects everyone differently. We’re also discussing how teens can take some steps towards de-stressing, and how we can spot a teen that’s overwhelmed by stress.

Cortisol And Adrenaline

Let’s say your teen is driving, only a few weeks after getting their license. They’re on the freeway, trying to merge into traffic, when suddenly a huge truck shows up on their left. They might feel a jolt of panic, as their body alerts itself to this new danger. This sensation is a result of their adrenal glands releasing adrenaline, says Doni, which is the body's first response to a stressful situation.

The human brain is constantly monitoring its environment, ready to react to stress at any moment–and when something sets off a stress response, our adrenal glands get to work, says Doni. With the release of adrenaline, our bodies go into flight or flight mode, alerting our sympathetic nervous system and making us more alert.

When responding to stress, our body also produces cortisol, another hormone. This raises our blood sugar, halts our digestion, and suppresses our immune system so that our body can devote all its energy to handling the stressor at hand, says Doni.

These chemicals are necessary for human survival, as they help humans navigate intense situations–like our teen avoiding a truck on the road. But these hormones are supposed to subside once teens aren’t stressed anymore, so that the body can reset itself.

When teens' lives are filled up with tests, college admissions essays, football practice, keeping up with their friends on the internet and worrying over the state of the world, they’re not giving their body a break from the stress. This can cause their stress monitoring systems to go haywire! Doni explains this system failure further in the episode, and the repercussions it can have on teens’ health.

If we want teens to relieve their chronic stress, they’ll have to help their body reset. But how can they do this? In the episode, Doni is explaining how everyone’s body is different–so treatment has to be unique.

Address The High Stress

De-stressing looks different for everyone, Doni says. That’s because everyone’s body responds to stress differently. Everyone has varying levels of cortisol and adrenaline, she explains. Some people have a cortisol deficit and others produce too much. Some people are more prone to producing stress hormones in the morning, while others get stressed in the evening. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to such a complex and varying problem, Doni says.

Some of these differences can be attributed to genetics. Doni explains that some people are genetically predisposed to produce more cortisol, and feel higher levels of stress. There are also genetic differences that affect how quickly these hormones are metabolized. For some, a stress response can last a few minutes, while others feel stressed for hours. There are also generational aspects, Doni explains–the stress our parents and grandparents experienced can have an effect on how our own bodies process stress.

Because everyone’s stress response is different, every individual requires a unique solution, says Doni. Instead of assigning blanket remedies for stress, Doni suggests taking your kid to a doctor to have their adrenaline and cortisol levels measured. In doing so, you can find out specific information about how your teen is handling all the stress of modern teen life–and how you can help them manage it.

To get you started, however, Doni reveals some practices she often shares with her patients to help them both resolve and prevent stress.

Stress Relief Basics

A huge part of healing from chronic stress comes from certain herbs and nutrients, according to Doni. As she explains in our interview, chemicals like dopamine and serotonin that make us feel happy and content come from amino acids–which ultimately are produced by our diet! Eating nutritious foods can help us reset our systems and can even prevent teens from becoming overly stressed.

Doni also recommends teens get adequate sleep. Humans need about seven to nine hours of sleep each night to maintain a healthy lifestyle, she explains, and without this, teens can easily become susceptible to stress. Exercise can help, but not always, says Doni, as it can raise cortisol levels for some depending on the intensity of the workout. Higher cortisol levels can make it harder to sleep, so Doni encourages teens to avoid exercising before bed.

If you’re worried that your teen might be overwhelmed by stress, Doni says there’s a few signs you can look out for. Chronic headaches and stomachs can be the result of constant stress, as can tiredness. If teens show a sudden disinterest in something they used to enjoy, they might be struggling under a load of stress they can’t seem to get rid of. Doni suggests taking your teen to a doctor and having their hormone levels measured, to find individualized treatment that actually works!

In the Episode….

If your teen is chronically stressed out, you won’t want to miss this episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How chronic stress can lead to autoimmune disorders
Why scheduling can help teens de-stress
How teens can stick to new habits
Why humans need some stress to function properly

You can find more of Doni’s work on her website, drdoni.com, or on instagram @...

Ep 211: Everyday Risks We Take with Our Teen’s Health Oct 09, 2022

Dr. Robert Lustig, author of Metabolical: The Lure and the Lies of Processed Food, Nutrition, and Modern Medicine, joins us to talk about how sugar and processed foods really affect our kids. Plus, how we can make a shift towards a healthier lifestyle.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

When life gets stressful and busy, convenient processed foods can be an easy fix. If you’re already late for work and your teen is scrambling to get out the door in the morning, frozen waffles or fruit loops are suddenly much more realistic than scrambled eggs and fruit. When you’re exhausted coming home from work, it can feel impossible to do anything more than throw some pizza rolls in the oven for the kids and pour yourself a glass of wine.

But these processed foods aren't just slightly bad for your health–they can be downright poisonous for you and your family. The refined sugars and lack of nutritional benefits in these convenience foods causes serious damage to the digestive system and contributes to the development of metabolic diseases like heart disease, diabetes and more.

If we want to take care of our kids’ health (and our own), our families have got to start eating better. To learn how, we’re talking to Dr. Robert Lustig, author of Metabolical: The Lure and the Lies of Processed Food, Nutrition, and Modern Medicine. Dr. Lustig is an Emeritus Professor of Pediatrics in the division of Endocrinology at the University of California San Francisco. He lectures globally about health and is the best selling of several other books about nutrition.

In our interview, Dr. Lustig and I are covering the surprising science behind our sugary diets–and why it's so essential that we change our eating habits. Plus, why our families should be consuming more fiber, and why today’s kids are so addicted to junk food.

The Sugar Problem

When we think of sugary foods, we often envision donuts or candy…but there are all kinds of sugars in processed foods. In fact they’re usually the number one ingredient, hiding under names like “high-fructose corn syrup,” says Dr. Lustig.

All this sugar in our diet is causing insulin resistance in our bodies, Dr. Lustig explains. This means we’re often overproducing insulin to compensate. As a result, humans are developing kinds of metabolic health issues–everything from polycystic ovary syndrome to cancer. All this insulin can also cause us to be pretty sluggish, Dr. Lustig explains. If your kid is chronically exhausted, high insulin might be the culprit.

Insulin isn’t all bad! We still need it in our bodies to function normally, says Dr. Lustig, and without it, we'd have type one diabetes. But with all the sugar we tend to eat these days, our insulin levels are a lot higher than they should be, leading to poor health and chronic conditions.

While exercise can help improve our health, nothing can fix this high insulin crisis except changing our diets, says Dr. Lustig. This is especially true for teens who are still growing and need all the nutrients they can get!

So what changes can we make to our diets to bring our insulin levels down and restore our body’s healthy diets? As you might be able to guess, cutting out sugary and processed foods is step one, according to Dr. Lustig. This means cutting out things like chips, processed breakfast cereals, and soda.

But what about diet sweeteners? Dr. Lustig explains that while these fake sugars are about half as toxic as sugar itself, they’re still not a good idea! Teens would be better off cutting soda and other “sugar-free” treats out altogether.

Once we've cut these foods out, what can we eat instead? One incredibly important nutrient our families should be eating more of is fiber! Dr. Lustig and I dive into what fiber actually is and why it’s so good for us.

The Power of Fiber

You may have heard that fiber is good for you… but what is fiber exactly? Dr. Lustig explains that fiber is often found in fruits, vegetables, and pretty much anything else that comes out of the ground!

Fiber is especially important because it feeds our microbiome. In our guts, there are trillions of bacteria that break down our food and regulate what goes into our bloodstream. Our bodies don’t absorb fiber the way it typically absorbs other foods. Instead fiber feeds this bacteria in our guts and keeps our microbiome healthy.

Without fiber, our bacteria eats away at our intestinal lining instead…causing irreparable damage to our digestive system. This means bad proteins can slip through the gut into the bloodstream, causing inflammation, leaky gut, and more!

If we want our insulin to stay down and our digestion to remain healthy, we’ve got to eat more fiber, says Dr. Lustig. Educating our kids on why fiber is essential to their health might help even the most unenthusiastic teens pick up a vegetable or two.

Why is it that kids are so resistant to eating healthy, nutritious foods? Dr. Lusting and I are diving into this dilemma in our interview.

Junk Food and Public Schools

If you’ve walked through the cereal aisle at your local grocery store, you know that most of the sugary, processed products are covered in cartoon characters and bright colors meant to draw kids in. And although teens may have grown out of that kind of stuff, they’re likely still hooked on the cereal inside the boxes. By targeting young kids, these companies have created an addiction to sugar that often continues into young adulthood, says Dr. Lustig.

Our school system isn’t helping, Dr. Lustig explains. Every kid’s birthday is suddenly a cause for cupcakes, cookies, pizza and soda….and every day is a different kid’s birthday! Not to mention that America’s #1 vendor of fast food is the public school system. Kids are constantly fed fried chicken, sugary drinks, and processed sweets instead of fresh, healthy food. This is largely due to the measly budget of $2.80 the government provides for each student’s lunch!

Junk food in schools isn’t just causing health problems, but damaging kids’ cognition! These high-sugar foods starve kids’ cells of nutrients, making it impossible for those cells to deliver chemical energy to kids’ brains.In the episode, Dr. Lustig explains how healthy lunches are the key to keeping our kids focused and active.

In the Episode…

Dr. Lustig is full of valuable advice! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about…

How sugar affects kids’ teeth
Why we shouldn’t blend fruit into smoothies
Why we need to treat sugar like a drug
How we can make breakfast healthier

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Dr. Lustig at Robertlustig.com or on twitter @RobertLustigMD. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you next week.

Ep 210: Essential Money Talks to Have With Teens Oct 02, 2022

Kathryn Tuggle, author of How to Money, joins us to discuss the essential money advice teens need for a financially independent future. We talk about first jobs, saving for cars, and how teens can avoid impulse spending.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

It’s time for the talk. You know, the big, nerve-wracking one you’ve been putting off for years. The one you know you have to have before kids reach a certain age, but you’re afraid it’ll be awkward and you won’t say the right thing. The talk is essential to your kids well-being and chance for a bright future…..the money talk, of course!

Chatting with kids about money isn’t easy–there’s a lot to cover. It can be uncomfortable, and kids don’t listen half the time anyway. Plus, you might feel like you don’t know enough to give teens the right financial advice to prepare them for adulthood. But if you ask most people the thing they regret most in life, it’s their bad money choices as young adults. If we don’t teach teens how to handle money, they might end up making huge financial mistakes that could have been avoided!

To help us raise money-smart teens, we’re talking with Kathryn Tuggle, co-author of How to Money: Your Ultimate Visual Guide to the Basics of Finance. Kathryn is the editor-in-chief of herrmoney.com, an incredible financial resource for young women! She produces the HerMoney podcast, and co-hosts its popular mailroom segment, where she answers questions about finance. Kathryn’s book is a rich mine of financial advice for young adults, and she’s here today to share some of the highlights.

In our interview, Kathryn and I are discussing the basic financial topics parents should be discussing with kids. Plus, how to teach your kids to manage money and what we can do to help them save for big purchases like cars or even college.

Finance 101 For Teens

No matter how smart and educated your teen is, they may not know the basics of finance, says Kathryn. They don’t teach financial literacy in the classroom, and most teens feel like a financially independent future is so far off that it’s not worth thinking about while they’re still in high school. Don’t assume your teen will figure it out on their own, says Kathryn. Make sure that you’re having conversations about how to earn, save, and invest while kids are still living at home.

One way to do this is to implement discussions about money when you and your kid are at the grocery store or a restaurant. If you’re looking for an after-dinner dessert, have kids help you pick one out, says Kathryn, and help them understand the differences in pricing. When it comes down to choosing between a generic or name brand box of cookies, she suggests you remind kids what they could do with the extra three dollars you’ll save on the store brand–along with all the accumulated money you’ll have from buying that store brand every single week!

When it’s time for teens to get their own job, there are plenty of ways parents can help, says Kathryn. In the episode, she walks me through some of the tips parents can give to teens who have their first job interview. We’re also covering whether or not you should talk to your teen about income taxes this early in life, and if kids should already start investing or putting money in a Roth IRA to save for retirement.

Once teens make money, they’ll have to learn how to save it! Kathryn and I are talking about how teens can develop responsible habits now so they won’t be in trouble later.

Teen Money Management

Kids love to spend money on clothes, video games, hobbies they’re really into for a month before they lose interest…the list goes on. But as adults, we know how smart it is to save! We can teach our kids to keep their money in the bank, says Kathryn, but to do so, we’ve got to embrace their spendy perspective! She suggests asking teens about the pricier items they’re interested in–a new keyboard, a nice dress, even an iphone–and showing them how to save for it.

It’s not just naivety that brings kids to spend lots of money on glitter eyeshadow or a trendy new hoodie. Social media companies are marketing products to kids on an enormous scale, with algorithms that track their activity to know just what advertisements they’ll click on. Influencers are telling them all day long that they NEED to purchase the latest jeans or supplements in order to fit in, look good and be cool!

If you want to help your teen avoid spending lots of money on things they don’t need, Kathryn suggests sitting them down to discuss this social media advertising frenzy and why they should be questioning it. Remind them that influencers are being paid tens of thousands of dollars to promote products…and these items are probably not as remarkable as influencers might make them seem. She also recommends kids wait 24 hours before hitting purchase on anything, which helps them curb impulse spending and think critically about what they really want to spend their money on.

Saving money is the path to lifelong financial prosperity, says Kathryn. This is especially true for teens who are looking to make their first big purchase. In our interview, we’re talking about the process of saving for a car or even college tuition during the teen years.

Preparing Kids for Big Purchases

For many teens, a car is the first big purchase they’ll make! This is a seriously expensive transaction and won’t come without quite a bit of saving. To motivate them, Kathryn suggests that they use visual reminders of their goal. Some teens benefit from putting a picture of the car they want on their bathroom mirror or bedroom door. Others find it helpful to set a reminder of the car on their phones on the weekend, when they’d typically spend a lot of money! This motivates them to limit their spending so that they can eventually make that big purchase they’ve been saving for.

For other teens, college is the financial goal to focus on. Saving for college starts with knowing exactly what you're saving for, says Kathryn. Some teens want to become teachers, others want to become doctors…and these two things require vastly different financial plans. In our interview, Kathryn and I talk a lot about student loans, and how easy it is for parents and teens to get in over their heads. She drops some helpful tips for keeping student debt under control, even after teens have left college.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is not to skip out on these money conversations, Kathryn says. There’s often a harmful stigma around discussing money, especially in American society–and only we can change that! Kathryn explains that kids almost always pick up money habits, both good and bad form parents. So while we have the chance, she recommends we help kids start off on the right foot and build strong financial futures.

In the Episode…

There’s lots of great financial advice for teens in this week’s interview! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about…

Why teens should consider community college
How teens can ask for a raise
What teens should know about health insurance
Why women invest 40% less than men

Thanks for tuning in! If you want to find more of Kathryn’s work, check her out at

Ep 209: Communication Tips for Tough Topics Sep 25, 2022

Derek Borthwick, author of How to Talk to Anybody, joins us to share how we can create better communication with teens. We talk about body language, initiating tough conversations and more.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Your teen comes home with a less-than-desirable score on a math test. You want to talk to them about it, but the moment you try, they run upstairs, close the door and refuse to come out. When you ask why they scored so poorly, they freak out and maybe even accuse you of calling them stupid…when all you wanted to do in the first place was make them feel better.

Communication with teens is no easy task. Teens have a lot on their plate and their brains are still developing, meaning they can be pretty testy. But there’s a lot of things we might need to speak to them about–sex, drugs, college, and mental health to name a few. Open communication would make parenting so much easier, if only teens were willing to try!

To help us solve our communication conundrum, we’re talking to Derek Borthwick, author of How to Talk to Anybody: Learn the Secrets to Small Talk, Business, Management, Sales & Social Conversations & How to Make Real Friends. Derek is a communication expert and certified business coach who specializes in neuro linguistic programming–meaning he knows a lot about how we use our bodies and words to communicate. He’s worked with some of the world's largest companies and lectured in many of Scotland’s most prestigious universities!

In our interview, Derek and I are discussing how you can read a teens’ body language, how we can ask teens questions that don't scare them off, and why we need to focus on emotional rather than logical reasoning when talking to a teenager.

The Basics of Body Language

Although body language might seem secondary to verbal communication, it’s actually an essential part of how we express ourselves. How people stand, walk and move can tell us a lot about how they feel, says Derek.

If a teen is hunched over, walking with their head down, or standing far away from you, it’s possible they’re feeling anxious around you…and maybe not in the mood to have a chat. But if their chest, arms and palms are open and facing towards you, they’re likely feeling comfortable and open to vulnerability, says Derek. Paying attention to their subtle cues can be a good way to know how receptive teens are to a conversation, he says.

Derek suggests we practice by observing the body language of anyone who happens to be around. Does the person walking down the street towards us seem confident, nervous, relaxed or stressed? How can you tell? Is it in their shoulders, their hands or their stance? Learning the ins-and-outs of body language can help us become better communicators with our teens, but also with our coworkers, spouses and friends!

So you’ve read your teens’ body language and can see that it might be a good time to finally bring up that bad test score….but how can you initiate the conversation without scaring them off?

Asking the Right Questions

After a week of avoiding the topic, you decide to have a talk about the math test–and ask your teen why they did so poorly. Suddenly, your teen starts throwing all kinds of defensive excuses your way, saying they haven't had time to study, they’ve been distracted, they’re just bad at math anyway…until the conversation ends up with an upset teen and a confused parent. But what exactly was the part of the question that triggered your teen…and how can we ask a better one?

Derek explains that the word “why” can be a recipe for disaster when talking to teenagers. “Why” can often make teens feel you’re interrogating them, and waiting for them to say something wrong, says Derek.. Instead, Derek recommends using “what”, “when” or even “how”! Questions like: “What distracted you from studying?” or “When do you think you can make time to revisit the material?” prompts kids to give a more well rounded answer without having to defend themselves so much.

If you want teens to feel safe enough to open up, Derek recommends softening your language when bringing up a heavy topic. One way to do this is to pad your sentences with reminders that you care, says Derek. This can help soften the intensity of talking about these tough topics with your kids. Remind them that you’re asking about their sex life or drug use because you want them to be safe…not because you’re trying to get them in trouble!

To truly reach our teens, however, Derek explains that we have to lean into our emotions. In our interview, we’re talking about how we can do this…and why it's so essential!

The Power of Emotions

To explain the importance of leading with our emotions, Derek uses the example of flirting with a stranger. If we went up to someone we fancied and laid out ten logical reasons why they should marry us...they’ll probably make a run for the door! But if we tapped into their emotional state, we’d understand that they’d likely feel weird about that kind of introduction…and that we should find a more subtle way to approach them.

The same goes for communicating with our kids. We’ve all had conversations with our teens in which we present perfectly factual information…only for them to cringe, tell us we don’t know what we’re talking about, or just ignore us completely! Derek reminds us how essential it is to harness our emotions instead when trying to get through to them.

He explains that the middle of our brain–the part that regulates our emotions–tends to be in the driver’s seat for both parents and teens, no matter how logical we think we are. That means that teens’ first reaction when they feel provoked is to either flee or become aggressive– and no logic can take them out of that emotional state! If we want to make teens feel comfortable opening up, we'll need to pay attention to their emotions first.

In our interview, Derek gives lots of tips for putting teens' emotions at ease. One is a technique called mirroring, which requires parents to repeat what kids say back to them in conversation. This can help teens feel heard instead of isolated, and ensures that parents get all the information they need. Listen to the interview for a deeper dive into this topic and more!

In the Episode…

Derek and I had a fun and informative conversation about communication this week. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about….

How we can change our memories
Why teens are so resistant to communication
How we can be more charismatic in everyday life
Why we should avoid “yes or no” questions
How to get people's attention by changing our voices

If you enjoyed listening, you can find more from Derek at power2mind.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 208: Motivation, Dedication and the Warrior Mentality Sep 18, 2022

D.J. Vanas, author of The Warrior Within, reveals how teens can find purpose, develop resilience, and maintain motivation by adopting the community-focused mentality of a Native American Warrior.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

What comes to your mind when you think of a warrior? A sweaty, grizzled hunk swinging a sword around? A brave air force pilot in aviator sunglasses?

Although we might think warriors are battle-hungry and reckless, some traditional Native American cultures have a completely different view. Instead, Warriors are pillars of the community: service-oriented, passionate, and hard-workers who are always ready to give back to those they love. No matter our cultural background, this version of a warrior is something our teens can take inspiration from.

To help us pass on this new warrior mentality to our kids, we’re speaking with D.J. Vanas, member of the Ottawa Tribe of Michigan and author of The Warrior Within: Own Your Power to Serve, Fight, Protect, and Heal. D.J. is a powerhouse speaker for Fortune 500 companies, hundreds of tribal nations, and audiences nationwide. His ideas have been adopted by companies like Disney, P&G, Intel, and even NASA!

This week, D.J. explains how teens can embody a warrior mentality and define their values, vision, passions, and purpose in the process. We’re also highlighting the difference between good and bad growing pains, and discussing how teens can stay focused in a world full of distractions.

Values and Vision

To give back to their communities, kids first need to figure out what exactly it is they want to contribute! The first step is for teens to define their values, says D.J.

Some teens want a life that incorporates love and compassion. Others may be driven by curiosity or the need for intellectual discovery. Whatever their values are, teens will benefit from deciding which principles to live their life by! This can help them pick and choose what people, places and things they want to welcome into their life–and which ones can be respectfully removed. When we know what our values are, we can eliminate the things that don’t align with them!

D.J. also encourages teens to ask themselves the big questions: What do I want to create in this world? What do I want to leave behind? How do I want to be remembered? Although these questions can feel intimidating or scary, D.J. reminds us that warriors are courageous! If teens are brave enough to ask these questions, they’ll be one step closer to uncovering their purpose.

Some teens do know what they want to do with themselves… but don’t have the confidence to believe in their dreams. D.J. and I talk about how this lack of confidence often comes from being criticized or put down by others. Young kids are so certain that they’ll become an astronaut or the president of the United States, but are dissuaded as they grow up, leading them to feel incapable or lost by their teen years. In our interview, D.J. reveals how we can help teens push past this criticism and believe in themselves!

For teens still figuring it all out, there’s bound to be some growing pains involved. Some pain is healthier than others, however! D.J. and I are discussing what healthy growing pain looks like, and how teens can work through it and come out on top.

Persevering Through Growing Pains

Good growing pain is the kind that helps teens learn. It pushes them to become stronger, more resilient people, says D.J. Disappointment, embarrassment and failure are all painful experiences, but they're necessary for growth.

But when teens focus too much on these painful experiences and allow the hurt to take over their lives, they can shut down, lose their creativity and find themselves at a dead end. This is the bad pain, says D.J., and it’s characterized by rumination and fear.

D.J. explains that fear plays a big role in our lives as we’re growing up, and it’s up to teens to face it with courage. He explains that fear can sometimes cause teens to rewrite reality and believe they’re doomed! When a classmate or teacher criticizes teens' work, they might let their fear of failure overwhelm them, and get stuck in a pattern of believing they’re not good enough. But if they have the courage to be resilient in the face of rejection, they’ll pick up their pen and start again, leading them to grow instead of getting stuck. Warriors are persistent enough to power through painful experiences–and your teen can too!

If we want to help teens face their negative emotions, D.J. recommends that we bring some positivity into the picture. He suggests we point out their strong qualities, applaud their hard work and praise their dedication, even when they’re facing failure! This reminds them just how capable they really are. In the episode, D.J. and I discuss more ways you can help a teen who’s feeling bogged down by negativity.

For teens in today’s world, focus can be a challenge as well. D.J. is helping us see how a warrior mentality can help teens cut out distractions and stay motivated.

Maintaining Motivation

Between school, SAT prep, soccer practice and student government, It’s easy for teens to overbook themselves. It’s hard to focus on any one thing…and having 24/7 access to the distracting internet doesn't help. D.J. suggests that kids learn how to say no to things that aren’t aligned with their values and purpose, like a true warrior! This keeps teens from getting overwhelmed and allows them to focus on what’s really important to them. When we focus on the right thing, we can create something incredible…but when we try to focus on everything, we often end up with nothing, says D.J.

D.J. and I talk a lot about motivation in our interview–and how it has to come from within. Friends, bosses and teachers won’t give teens the motivation they need; they have to create it themselves. Intentionally developing the right habits and surrounding themselves with the other motivated people will help teens keep their motivation going! In our interview, D.J. and I discuss how parents’ praise can be helpful to a teen who’s struggling to stay motivated or focused.

When someone is expecting us to deliver, we often work harder and achieve more than we ever would on our own, says D.J. This is called accountability, and it has a pretty powerful effect on our productivity! D.J. proposes that parents hold teens accountable for achieving their goals…and ask teens to hold parents accountable as well! This two-way system helps teens learn responsibility and creates a bond of accountability between parent and child, says D.J.

In the Episode…

D.J is such an intelligent and powerful individual, and his brilliance shines through in today’s episode! On top of the topics mentioned above, we also talk about:

How we can benefit from mentoring others
What questions we can ask besides “how was school?”
How teens can find their tribe
Why self care is essential when caring for others

If you enjoy this week’s episode, you can find more from D.J. at nativediscovery.com. Thanks for listening! Don’t forget to share and subscribe and we’ll see you next w...

Ep 207: Anxiety and the Communication Tools to Fix It Sep 11, 2022

Donna Jackson Nakazawa, author of Girls on the Brink joins us to talk about the drivers behind sky-high rates of anxiety and depression among young people—and how bio-synchronicity and emotional attunement might be the answer.

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Full show notes

Nowadays, kids have 24 hour access to the internet—meaning they can scroll through pictures of perfect models on Instagram, check the ever-terrifying news or log on to a chatroom with random strangers at any time of the day! And while this allows them to connect with others and learn more about the world, it can also lead to an overwhelming level of exposure to everything from cyberbullying to predators. Without parents there to steer them clear of danger, are kids bound to get into trouble?

Not to mention that constant use of the internet–especially social media–can have seriously adverse effects on a kid's mental health. The perpetual pressure to live up to the images of perfection they see online has been linked to sky-rocketing growth in depression and anxiety disorders among kids. And it’s young women in particular who face the most expectations online–the expectation to be sexual without being too sexual, the need to have the perfect body, and the constant fear that they aren’t going to fit in with all their other peers.

So how can we help girls who are struggling with the stressors of being online? We’re asking Donna Jackson Nakazawa, author ofGirls on the Brink: Helping Our Daughters Thrive in an Era of Increased Anxiety, Depression, and Social Media. Donna is a science journalist who’s written for Wired, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, and more! She’s also a mom, and was inspired to dive deeper into girls' mental health when she saw how much her daughter was affected by the perils of the online world.

In our interview, we’re discussing how estrogen and the female immune system contribute to the development of mental health disorders among young girls, especially in our modern, media-driven world. Plus, how adverse childhood experiences affect kids into adulthood, and what we can say to help our teen girls feel supported during this stressful time.

The Estrogen Effect

The internet can add stress to anyone’s life…so why do we need to focus on young women? Research shows that women are developing mental health disorders at an alarming rate compared to their male counterparts, explains Donna, and this ties directly into how much these young women use social media. But why?

Donna explains that estrogen is the culprit. Since the dawn of the human race, women’s bodies have responded to stress with an intense surge of estrogen. This is because women typically have smaller bodies and even smaller organs than men, says Donna, and therefore need a stronger immune response to combat threats! This is why girls often have stronger responses to vaccines and have longer-lasting reactions to viruses like Covid-19.

When their brains are still developing, girls are constantly looking to the world to sense if they’re safe or not….and with social media and the internet, girls often feel that they aren’t safe! This bumps their stress levels, leading their estrogen to provoke an immune response that floods their bodies and brains with inflammation. No wonder so many young girls are developing chronic physical and mental health conditions like autoimmune disorders and depression, she says.

But that’s not even the worst of it! Donna explains how adverse childhood experiences can make this immune response even more harmful to young girls.

Long Term Effects of Childhood Experiences

Women have more robust immune responses to stressors because of their hormones, says Donna, but there are other factors that can cause people to have intense reactions to stress. One of these factors is adverse childhood experiences. When we think of childhood trauma, we often think of intense moments like divorce or physical abuse–but Donna explains that these traumas can be milder and more common than we might expect. Feeling bullied by siblings, having a parent with substance use issues or experiencing mild parental neglect can all be adverse childhood experiences, she explains.

With their brains still in development, young girls are perpetually trying to discern whether or not they are safe. Because these adverse experiences are often chronic and unpredictable, it can send a message to kids' minds that they are frequently in danger. Donna explains that this is largely a product of evolution–social ostracization of any kind could be extremely dangerous if it meant they were cast from the group without food or protection from predators. And although kids are no longer typically in physical danger from emotional neglect or bullying, their immune system still behaves as though they are!

The more adverse experiences girls experience in childhood, the more their brain becomes acclimated to responding to stress, and the more intense it’s immune response. This causes chronic mental and physical health disorders to develop among young women at an alarming rate–and social media is not helping, says Donna. That’s why she believes parents need to give their kids the least traumatic childhood possible, so they don’t develop serious conditions like anxiety or depression as teens or adults.

But how can we keep our homes as free from trauma as possible? And what can we say to teen girls who are really going through it? Donna helps us see how parents can step in to help girls when they’re at their lowest.

Helping Our Girls Heal

The first step to helping our girls is to heal ourselves, says Donna. When we’ve dealt with our own traumas and stopped our impulsive reactions, we can be there to calmly guide our kids without passing our trauma on. The developing brains of our kids are constantly looking for reassurance from caregivers, so if we can make kids feel safe, they’ll live happier, healthier lives.

In the episode, Donna explains how kids watch parents react to stressful situations and then learn to practice the same patterns themselves–a scientific concept known as bio-synchrony. If we yell, freak out or bully others when we’re in distress, our kids take notice–and will likely carry that pattern on into adulthood themselves. If we can learn to center ourselves and practice techniques that take us out of fight or flight mode and back into a level head, Donna explains that we’ll be able to teach our kids to do the same.

If your daughter is struggling, Donna recommends bringing some positivity back into her life. In our interview, we discuss the value of praising our kids in healthy ways. Donna encourages us to remind our kids that they are intrinsically valuable, and can accomplish anything they hope to do if they work hard. It’s never truly wise to measure their success against other kids’–even if you’re telling them how much better they are! This only leads to a life of comparing themselves to others, and despairing when they fall short.

This doesn’t mean we should overshelter our kids or make life too easy for them, says Donna. They still need to stumble and fail, learn how to figure out their own solutions to life’s problems. Plus, parents aren’t per...

Ep 206: Building Character and Self-Awareness in Teens Sep 04, 2022

Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Transcend and Wired to Create, joins our show to explain how we can help teens on their journey to self-awareness. Scott and I talk about healthy self-esteem, goal-setting, creativity, and more.

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Full show notes

Figuring out who we are takes a lifetime. In our teens, we might think we’re destined to become a doctor…only to find out that med school isn’t for us. We might believe we’ve found our perfect match in our twenties, but then discover that there’s other fish in the sea. We might even experience a mid-life crisis and become an entirely new person at age fifty! Identity and self-awareness are complicated and different for everyone.

To teenagers, however, it can feel like adult life is rapidly approaching….meaning they’ve got to figure it all out right away! They might rush into a college major, a relationship, or a big relocation when they’re not fully ready. It can be hard to know what you want for the rest of your life when you’ve only been alive for 18 years! This week we’re talking about identity, awareness and self- actualization, so we can help kids slow down and embrace the process of finding themselves.

We’re joined by Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. Scott is a humanistic psychologist who has taught at Columbia, the University of Pennsylvania and New York University. He writes the regular column “Beautiful Minds” in the Scientific American and hosts The Psychology Podcast, which has over 10 million downloads! His work has appeared in The Atlantic, Harvard Business Review, and Business Insider. He’s here to help us define self-actualization–and how our teens can harness it for a happier life.

In our interview, we’re discussing how we can guide kids to develop healthy confidence, define their life’s goals, and access their creativity to discover who they truly are.

Confidence Vs. Narcissism

Self-esteem can be complicated, Scott explains. While it’s definitely possible for teens to have a healthy sense of confidence in who they are, there’s also the possibility of narcissism. And although we often think of narcissists as loud, attention-hogging types, there are also quiet, unassuming narcissists, who keep their self-obsession in their internal thoughts and close relationships, he explains. Scott and I talk more about the difference between these two types of narcissists in the episode–but neither type is healthy or a sign of self awareness, Scott says.

To help our kids develop healthy self esteem instead of narcissistic tendencies, we’ve got to treat them with compassion…but not too much! Scott explains that we shouldn't tell kids they are “the best” or teach them to compare themselves to others. Instead, Scott says we should remind kids that they are intrinsically valuable simply for existing. Instead of making them feel like high achievers, we should simply strive for them to feel like they are enough, he says.

In the episode, we also talk about how kids can have healthy selfishness as well. This means they set proper boundaries with others for their own well-being, have a stable school/life balance, and generally just take care of themselves. People often give away too much time and energy to others, Scott says, and not necessarily in an altruistic way. Sometimes people can develop a certain kind of narcissistic complex that’s fed by helping others, but only in pursuit of their own egos, he explains. In our interview, we discuss how some of the worst behavior in human history has been declared “for the greater good”, despite being destructive and even inhumane.

So teens have a healthy sense of self-confidence…but where are they going to direct it? Scott and I also talk about how teens can figure out their life’s purpose.

Setting Growth-Oriented Goals

Teens love to set lofty goals, but they’re not always realistic…or what teens really want. Many teens strive to be famous on the internet, he says, but this goal often fails to help teens grow and self actualize. Scott advises that teens stay true to themselves when deciding what to do with their lives, and evaluate their strengths and deeper spiritual needs when planning out their latest ambition! He also recommends that parents sit down status-obsessed kids and help them reorient their goals towards personal and spiritual growth.

Scott describes something that he calls a crystallizing experience–an affirming experience which helps us realize exactly what we want to do with ourselves for the rest of our life. Some teens are lucky enough to have this moment when they’re still young, but some don’t have it until later in life. Scott explains that it could happen any time, and even more than once! Our identities continue to grow and change, so teens shouldn’t feel pressure to have it all figured out right away.

In our interview, Scott and I have an interesting discussion about hope in the face of rejection. While some animals have been researched and shown to experience a natural sense of hopelessness, humans retain the ability to remain resilient. While the sting of rejection is strong, Scott explains that teens can use both their sense of purpose and strategic minds to persevere. In the episode he explains the strategy he used as a teenger to get into the college of his dreams–despite being rejected.

One important trait kids can strive to develop is creativity! Scott and I are discussing how we can work to foster creativity among our teens.

Raising Creative Teens

There are a lot of surprising ways we can help teens be more creative, including letting them daydream! Scott explains that when teens are zoning out, they’re giving their conscious, focused minds a break and entering the world of creative thinking. By turning off their productivity, they’re able to access originality! He believes that if we want to raise teens who think outside the box, we should give teens scheduled time in the day to day dream, doodle, journal, and let their mind run free.

Teens who are open to new experiences also tend to be more creative, Scott explains. The more welcoming teens can be of new stimulus, the less confined their thinking will be. In the episode, he shares some fascinating examples of famous, accomplished scientists who didn’t just focus on one area, instead expanding their knowledge across different regions of the scientific world. This allowed them to think outside the box and have some of the most inventive ideas in modern science.

There are a lot of ways our education system could change to encourage more creativity, says Scott. In his view, schools need to assign more project-based learning, to help kids self-actualize and build something that incorporates their own perspectives. This is the first step to encouraging inventiveness and originality, he explains. He also suggests that kids learn to disagree with what they read in the textbook, and that teachers be more open to divergent discussions that push kids to think for themselves.

In the Episode….

Scott and I cover a lot of interesting ground in this week’s episode! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

The...

Ep 205: Pressure, Pain, and Kids’ Athletics Aug 28, 2022

Linda Flanagan, author of Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Kids Sports, joins us to discuss how the competitive culture of kids’ sports can be damaging to both parents and teens.

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Does your kid love sports? Whether they’re sliding into home base or scoring a touchdown, sports can be an incredible way for kids to stay healthy, make friends, and learn the value of teamwork. For some kids, sports can become a way of life, granting them a chance to travel or even bringing in college scholarship money. With so much to offer, it seems like sports are the perfect activity to sign kids up for.

But it turns out that kids’ sports aren’t always the character-building extracurriculars we think they are. The youth sports industry is valued at over nineteen billion dollars, and that money is coming from parents who feel obligated to pay for everything from equipment to sports tourism. Severe injuries from playing too much can destroy our kids' long term health, and the status-driven nature of these sports takes a toll on our families and our culture as a whole! It’s time to take a critical look at our kids' sports teams, and decide if they’re doing more harm than good.

This week, we’re joined by Linda Flanagan, author of Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Kids Sports. Linda is a freelance journalist, researcher, former cross country coach and mom to an athlete herself! Her work has been featured in The Atlantic and Runner’s World, and she’s a regular contributor to NPR’s education site MindShift. Today, Linda is warning us about the dark side of kids’ sports, and what we can do to help our young athletes stay happy and healthy despite it all.

In the episode, Linda and I are covering the damaging effects sports can have on families, why the pressure to win is harming our kids, and how we can help teens create a healthier connection to the sport they love.

The True Cost of Kids’ Sports

If playing sports was totally free, the world would probably be a better place…but unfortunately most kids' sports force parents to spend a pretty penny. Memberships for private club teams, equipment, uniforms and traveling to games gets pretty expensive, meaning low income families are typically excluded, says Linda. And it gets worse–research indicates that the more money parents spend on sports, the less kids enjoy them. Linda explains that this is likely due to increased pressure kids feel knowing how much money is riding on their soccer victory.

The damage to families goes past the financial costs, however. The current culture of kids’ sports drags parents into an obsession with status that can be very unhealthy, says Linda. She explains that kids’ wins and losses can start to feel like our own, and it’s not always easy to draw strong boundaries. This infatuation with our kids’ victories can even cause us to behave poorly at their games, yelling at referees or cursing at kids on the other team, Linda says. This isn’t exactly the kind of good citizenship we hoped kids would learn from these sports!

Linda points out that traveling can also be a seriously damaging factor for families, especially for single parents. It can spread parents thin and force them to prioritize one sibling over another, she says. Kids are very attuned to this kind of imbalance in parents’ attention, and it can have lasting effects. Linda explains that this is especially true if one sibling is an athlete while the other enjoys more internal activities like reading. In the episode, we talk more about the strain kids’ sports can put on families and parents.

While the family unit as a whole can be seriously affected, the damage that modern day youth athletics has on kids can be even more severe. Linda and I dive into the overwhelming pressure and even physical harm these sports can cause in our interview.

The Dangers of Too Much Pressure

We often look at college admission and scholarships as a major benefit for young athletes…but it can be a source of major stress too. Many teens who joined sports for fun as kids feel immense pressure to keep playing in order to get into better schools. Linda reveals in our interview that prospective students are 14x as likely to get into Harvard if they’re recruited to play on the schools’ sports teams. This can put kids in a difficult dilemma–and parents too. We might feel like we need to put all our money and time into kids’ sports careers, to ensure that they have a bright future.

The pressure doesn’t stop there, says Linda. Prestigious, competitive club teams perpetuate an individualist approach to sports, she says, by pitting kids against each other for spots on the team, individual accolades and even financial aid. Plus, by recruiting kids from all over, these club teams aren’t striving to create community in a local place–they’re aiming solely for victory. In the episode, Linda also explains how these teams tend to cause tension between teens and their high school teams by forcing them to pick between the school team and the private club.

When teens feel overwhelming pressure to succeed at their chosen sport, they’ll do anything…including permanently injuring themselves, says Linda. Recent research has indicated that the number of serious injuries sustained by kids on the field has increased at a staggering rate. Linda uses the example of an ACL tear in our interview–an incredibly common sports injury among kids that requires surgery and usually causes arthritis after 10 years! The annual rate of ACL tears in the Boston area alone has increased from 500 to 2500 in less than a decade, says Linda.

So are sports all bad? Is there anything we can do to shield ourselves and our kids from the havoc these sports can wreak?

Making Sports Fun Again

To help ease all the toxicity of youth sports culture, Linda recommends that kids engage in other activities and interests too. If not, they’re susceptible to a syndrome she calls “athletic identity foreclosure.” This occurs when kids have no other interests outside of sports–and then suddenly can no longer play due to injury or other factors. If they’re identity is entirely wrapped up in the sport they play, teens can feel like they no longer have anything to offer the world and experience a serious identity crisis.

It can also help for parents to set up boundaries for their involvement in kids’ teams, says Linda. She believes it's important for parents to miss a few games here and there, so that kids know parents have their own lives! This allows kids to take ownership of the activity outside of parents’ interest, taking some pressure off and reminding them that they can always quit if they’re no longer dedicated to the sport. It’s good for parents too, as it allows them to pursue activities that aren’t all about their children!

The bottom line is, sports aren’t bad–but toxic sports culture is! Sports can be fun, educational and great for kids' health…in fact, playing a varsity sport in high school is the number one predictor of lifelong physical fitness, says Linda. But alternatively, college athletes have been shown to live a lower quality of life and experience less general happiness due to physical and mental stress, she explains. If we...

Ep 204: ADHD Triggers and Emerging Solutions Aug 21, 2022

Dana Kay, author of Thriving With ADHD, joins us to talk about the traditional solutions to ADHD and the emerging science behind the likely triggers of the growing epidemic. She’ll walk us through natural solutions to remedy ADHD, chronic pain, and more.

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Full show notes

More and more kids are being diagnosed with chronic illnesses these days–anything from allergies to severe depression. You may have experienced this with your own teen, whether it’s constant trips to the psychiatrist for changes in anxiety meds, or endless food sensitivities that seem to come out of nowhere. In 2018, research revealed that 54% of kids are chronically ill, up from 15% a few years before. This means that chronic illness is growing among young people at a rapid rate…but why?

The answer lies in our guts. We might view our digestive system as having one function–food in, waste out–but the truth is a lot more complicated. Our guts contain the mechanisms that monitor our immune system, regulate our bloodstream and even control our mind’s function! The food we put into our gut doesn’t just affect our digestion…it shapes our long term physical and mental health!

This week, we’re talking to Dana Kay, author of Thriving With ADHD: A Guide to Naturally Reducing ADHD Symptoms in Your Child and founder of the ADHD Thrive Institute. Dana is a holistic health expert who focuses on educating parents about gut health. She helps families understand that a better diet can relieve symptoms for a myriad of health issues among children–including ADHD and other mental disorders. She’s worked with over one thousand families to create better overall health for chronically ill kids!

In our interview, Dana breaks down the function of the gut within the body, and why so many kids suffer from conditions that result from poor gut health. We’re also discussing what dietary changes can be made to heal our guts, and how we can convince our kids to change their diets for the better.

Why We Should Rethink Our Diet

Although we don’t always think about our digestive tract as central to our body’s long term health, it’s actually immensely critical to our physical and mental wellbeing. It contains 80% of our body’s immune system, billions of nerve cells and trillions of bacteria! It controls what enters our bloodstream–and therefore our entire body. Plus, it has a direct channel of communication with the brain. 90-95% of the body’s serotonin and 50% of the body’s dopamine are produced in the gut, meaning that our guts manage our moods, emotions, and cognitive function, says Dana.

Dana explains that the typical American diet is full of substances that are pretty harmful to our guts. Packaged, processed, and convenience foods are chock full of artificial preservatives and chemicals that aren’t a natural part of our diet, and therefore damage our bodies. These foods break down the lining of the gut, which regulates the bloodstream, says Dana. As this lining breaks down, it no longer restricts toxins from flowing through our bodies, and doesn’t retain water and other important nutrients that are essential to the body’s function.

When these toxins enter the bloodstream, our body tries to reject them, leading to inflammation. This causes a multitude of issues, including stomach aches, allergies, inattention, poor emotional regulation, brain fog, constipation–the list goes on. This means that when kids are suffering from serious anxiety or depression, diet can ultimately be the cause of the issue, as well as the solution, Dana explains. If we can focus on helping kids create a better daily diet, we can stop these chronic mental and physical health issues and get kids back on the right track.

So what changes can teens and parents make to our diets to create a healthy mind and body? Dana and I are giving you a dietary breakdown on how to heal your bodies and minds.

How To Have a Healthy Gut

It turns out that lots of the food we eat on an everyday basis is actually pretty terrible for our gut health, says Dana. The worst three? Gluten, dairy, and soy. Dana explains that gluten is the most harmful, as it destroys the lining of our guts most severely and causes intestinal leaking. Dairy is central to the American diet, but awful for our gut. And while soy seems easy to cut out, Dana explains that there are a surprising amount of food products that list soy as an ingredient. In our interview, we talk more about how soy mimics estrogen production and can be really harmful for growing teens.

Sugar is also not the best for our gut health, Dana explains. Sugary foods tend to be very artificial and refined, which is damaging to the intestinal lining. If the gut is in poor health and fails to deliver dopamine and serotonin to the brain, kids will seek these chemicals out anyway they can–including eating sugar. They can quickly get caught in a cycle of eating sugary foods every time they need stimulation or a pick-me-up, which can even lead to a serious sugar addiction, especially for kids with ADHD, says Dana.

Instead, Dana recommends kids eat fruits and veggies, grass-fed animal proteins and healthy fats. These foods don’t cause damage to the intestinal lining, and can even help it regrow! Dana also recommends only drinking natural spring water, and replacing artificial sweeteners with natural ones like honey, maple syrup and dates. Although it might be outside your family’s comfort zone, making these substitutions in the family diet can totally transform your quality of life, Dana says.

But even if we’re ready to make a change, it doesn’t mean our families are. Plus, eating healthy comes with other obstacles…and how do we even know what exactly our kids need? Dana and I are covering all of these challenges as well.

Making the Change

As the mom of a child with ADHD, Dana wanted to change her family’s habits to improve her son’s health…but found herself struggling when she tried to do it all in one day. She recommends that parents make these dietary changes slowly or increments, to warm kids up to the idea of giving up gluten, dairy and certain sugars! Teenagers aren’t likely to listen if you try to force them to adopt this new diet, says Dana, so you’ll have to get them to buy into it. Once they realize that this healthier diet makes them more social and focused, they’ll likely want to eat healthier all the time.

Dana recognized that eating healthy isn’t cheap–even though we wish it was! However, she explains in the episode that spending the extra money on healthier foods is likely to save parents a lot of time and energy in the long run. When kids are feeling better both mentally and physically, they’ll need much less medical care–and won’t have tantrums and meltdowns on a regular basis, says Dana. Plus, there are other things we can do to lighten the costs, like meal planning and buying in bulk. Dana and I get into these cost-savers further in the episode.

If you’re not sure where to start, Dana recommends taking some tests. Functional lab testing can help teens locate weak points and stressors in their bodies, whether that’s in the immune, digestive or nervous system. It can also be helpful for kids to complete a food sensitivity panel to discover what foods irritate ...

Ep 203: The Importance of Rest for Productivity Aug 14, 2022

Alex Pang, author ofRest, joins us to explain the cognitive benefits of taking time off and doing nothing! Plus, how non-work activities like sports, naps, and gap years can boost teens’ productivity and creativity!

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Full show notes

We want kids to be the best version of themselves, meaning that we often push them to their limits. We stack on extracurriculars to buff up their college apps, add in SAT classes, and sign them up for private lessons to make sure they’re the best flute player in the orchestra. Kids only have so much time to make the most of themselves, so they should spend every last moment studying, practicing, and bettering themselves…right?

But what happens when kids suddenly find themselves burnt out? What if, with a crazy schedule, they’re not able to focus on their homework or pull out the sheet music as enthusiastically as they did before? Even though we have the best intentions, we can sometimes push our teens (and ourselves) too far past what’s healthy–and create not only exhaustion, but a lack of productivity, creativity, and imagination.

That’s why, in today’s episode, we’re talking about the importance of doing nothing! We’re joined by Alex Pang, author of Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less. Alex is the owner of the consulting company Strategy and Rest, which works with companies and individuals to create maximum productivity with shorter workdays! He’s a visiting scholar at Stanford, and the author of three other books about productivity and cognition.

In this week’s episode, we talk all about the importance of taking restful breaks, and the psychological benefits of doing nothing! Plus how teens can benefit from non-work activities like sports, napping, and even playing video games!

Why Rest Matters

The basic principle we often follow about productivity is that more time working=more work accomplished. We might load ourselves up with eighty hour work weeks, working long nights and weekends to try and max out our capabilities. But Alex is prompting us to challenge that. Once a busy, overworked employee in Silicon Valley, Alex left the United States to take a trip to the U.K., where he discovered a shift in culture and less structure in his work day! He found that working shorter hours and taking more breaks actually improved his productivity and creativity–and it can improve yours too!

Alex explains that our brains have something he calls a “default mode network”, which turns on when the focused, working part of your brain turns off. When the default mode network is activated, your body goes to work behind the scenes, tackling problems that evade your conscious mind. Have you ever found yourself frustrated because you can’t recall a song lyric or the name of an actor…only for it to pop into your head ten minutes later while you’re watching TV? This is an example of your default mode network doing its job!

Many prominent, iconic, and successful people have learned to harness their default mode network to improve their productivity. They know that this part of the brain allows the mind to come up with new ideas, make connections and recharge…then get back to business with a much more inspired and productive mindset, says Alex. Individuals like Beethoven and Nobel prize winners have strategically built time into their schedules to rest and let their default mode network run…basically doing nothing with the goal of increasing productivity!

Alex is also a proponent of shorter work days and a four day work week. In the episode, we talk about a wealth of research which indicates that humans are most productive when they work only four or five hours a day! After that, our focus and concentration starts to wane, and we often get very little or nothing done. But with an extra day or extra hours in the week built in for intentional rest, we can take on the challenges of our work week much more efficiently and with extra creativity and imagination.

The power of doing nothing only works if we’re doing the right kind of nothing, however. Alex explains that certain activities are more restful to your brain than others. The key is to do something that takes as little focus or concentration as possible, so that your subconscious mind can activate and restore you to your most creative state, he explains. Activities like television, video games, or even social media can have this restorative effect for teens–as long as they’re not overindulging, says Alex.

There are some other methods of rest and rejuvenation that boost productivity and creativity for teens! Alex and I dive into these in the episode.

How Teens Can Unwind

In our interview, Alex and I discuss how exercise can be a great way for teens to let go of work and stressors and let their mind wander. In fact, effective cognition is tied significantly to physical health, says Alex. Our brains love oxygen, and will take as much of it as possible! When we exercise, we increase our body’s oxygen capacity, and therefore power our brain to maximum sharpness and efficiency. The stronger our circulatory system, the more powerful our mind, says Alex.

Even a simple walk can have terrific benefits for the teenage mind. Research has shown that walking improves cognition as well as creativity! Alex explains that people like Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg even have walking meetings, where they combine business with exercise. This setting allows ideas to flow more freely, and is a more casual social environment. Alex recommends encouraging teens to take walks during study breaks or when working something out with a friend–the benefits of doing so are clear!

Getting involved in a sport is even better for a teen, says Alex. In his research, he’s found that many of history's greatest thinkers have also been accomplished athletes. A study of scientists spanning over thirty years found that those who made incredible or notable discoveries in their careers were also individuals who set aside ample time for sports, while those who weren’t athletes faded into obscurity. Alex explains that this regular athletic activity gave the scientists time away from work to mull over ideas and come back to their research with renewed focus and imagination.

Alex and I also talk about a somewhat controversial relaxation technique…napping! Some believe napping leaves us more tired than before, while others think a nap is a great way to refresh and recharge. Alex argues in favor of napping…so long as we do it right! If your teen loves to nap, Alex recommends they nap between twenty or ninety minutes. Twenty minutes constitutes a light nap that’s shown to recharge the body, while ninety minutes is the cutoff before slipping into deep sleep. A nap of this length can have benefits for memory, cognition, and more, says Alex. We talk about napping more in the interview!

In The Episode…

My discussion with Alex brings an unexpected perspective to common notions about creativity and productivity! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How self-criticism hinders our creativity
Why teens should spend time abroad
How school damages teens’ perception of rest
What other cultures can teach us about relaxation

Ep 202: Money Mindset For Self-Starting Teens Aug 07, 2022

Erik Huberman, author of The Hawke Method, joins us to talk about how we can empower teens to be self starters. Plus, how teens can pick a career path and think critically about what they spend their money on.

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Full show notes

We hope to prepare our kids for all of life’s challenges: staying healthy, maintaining relationships, and of course, managing money! The last thing we want is for our adult children to run home to us, bankrupt and ready to live in our basement. We hope that they’ll make wise financial decisions, fund their own lives and maybe even have enough to start families of their own someday!

But money management isn’t something that's typically taught in schools…and there’s no script for how parents should teach it either! Parents have bickered for ages about the best way to set kids up for financial success. Should kids be getting allowances, credit cards and bank accounts? Is it wise for them to get a job while they’re still in school, or should they simply focus on their education?

To give us some perspective from the other side, we’re talking to Erik Huberman, successful entrepreneur and author of The Hawke Method: The Three Principles of Marketing that Made Over 3,000 Brands Soar. Erik is the CEO and founder of Hawke Media, a marketing agency that has worked with over 3,000 different brands! He’s here to share some brilliant ideas about how we can teach young folks the ins and outs of financial responsibility.

In our interview, we’re debating whether or not teens should follow their passion or pick a more responsible path. We’re also discussing how we can prepare kids for the brutal financial realities of life, and why we need to encourage teens’ to think critically about social media marketing.

Helping Teens Find Their Calling

So your teen wants to be an artist…or an actor, or a professional soccer player, or a movie director. And you’re wondering…should I encourage them to chase their wildest dreams or pick a safer avenue? In Erik’s eyes, the solution is somewhere in the middle. Humans spend the majority of their waking hours working, he says, so trying to force our kids to spend all of that time doing something they hate isn’t exactly sustainable.

In his eyes, we should stop using the word “passion”, as it's too nondescript. Instead, we should encourage teens to pursue something that brings them energy, something they’re good at and willing to work hard at! Instead of a passion, he refers to this as a “calling”. Lots of kids love the idea of being a rock star, but rarely actually feel motivated to sit down to play the guitar. Even though music might be their dream, they’ll find themselves becoming mediocre players. And if this is all they’ve got careerwise, Erik warns they might find themselves stuck in a bad spot.

Erik explains that he loves to ski, but he doesn’t think he should become a professional skier. Only a select few skiers are good enough to truly make a living skiing, and there are other things he can do–things that make him excited and enthused to go to work in the morning. He suggests that kids go for the safer, more reliable route, so that they’ll have something to fall back on and not get stuck. This doesn’t mean they should do something they hate, however. They can still find something they’re good at and bring in some income, he assures.

No matter what they choose to do with their lives, teens are going to be up against a lot of challenges in the adult world. Erik and I are discussing how we can start preparing kids now so they’ll stay afloat when grown-up obstacles come their way.

Raising Self Starters

To equip kids with tough skin they’ll need to handle adulthood, we’ve got to empower them in a healthy way, says Erik. Giving kids the confidence to take on the world doesn’t come from flattering them at every corner and giving them empty compliments, he explains. Instead, we’ve got to help teens realize that they have the ability to tackle their problems –if they work hard and find creative solutions, that is.

Erik believes that one of the biggest issues with today’s society is that we don’t encourage kids to solve their own challenges. Too often, we fix their issues for them before they have the chance to figure out their own solutions, says Erik. He suggests that we prompt kids to pay for their own movie tickets, or encourage them to bring their concerns up to teachers without our help. It might seem small, but solving these lighter problems will prepare teens to take on bigger problems in the future.

In the episode, Erik dives deep into his own childhood growing up with an entrepreneur for a father–and how this shaped him into the smart businessman he is today. When, at the age of eight, he asked his father for a guitar, his father told him to go get a job and pay for it himself! So Erik took the few bucks he made in weekly allowance and turned it into a business reselling beanie babies and made more than four thousand dollars! This encouragement from his dad pushed him to build something for himself–and we can do the same with our kids.

Good money management is about more than just making money–it’s about spending money too! We’re also discussing how you can help your teen become a more educated consumer.

Creating Smart Consumers

When kids see their favorite internet influencers promoting sneakers or skincare, they suddenly have to have this sparkly new object. They beg you for a bump in allowance so that they can purchase these shiny, trendy (likely overpriced) goods! Kids are remarkably impressionable, and advertisers know that if they market to kids, they’ll likely see some engagement, says Erik. Plus, now that every teen has an iphone loaded with Tik Tok and Instagram sitting in their pockets, it’s easier than ever to reach them.

Erik recommends that we try to have conversations with our kids about consumerism while they’re still under our roofs. Prompting teens to think critically about the advertisements gracing their screens can help them see behind the marketing smoke and mirrors. Marketers are trying to hit the reptilian part of teens brains–the part that craves the satisfying dopamine hit that comes with hitting “complete purchase.” Helping teens see that they’re being manipulated can help them make smarter choices as consumers.

It’s not bad for teens to spend a little money on something that brings them joy, but it’s important that they think critically about what they’re buying too. Erik suggests that you encourage your teen to think about the functionality of each purchase before they make it. Sure, their favorite make-up influencer says they need to buy a new eyeshadow palette…but they already have six at home they barely use! With parental input, kids might realize that their extra cash might look a lot better in a savings account.

In the Episode….

Erik has so much advice about finding financial success, drawn from his own entrepreneurial experiences! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How Erik built his own company from the ground up
Why young adults should experience being “broke”
How tobacco is marketed to kids
Why teens need to fail before they thrive...

Ep 201: How Minds Change Jul 31, 2022

David McRaney, author of How Minds Change, joins us to explain why it’s so hard to change a teens’ mind! We also talk about the psychology behind persuasion and the power of peer pressure in the teen social world.

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Full show notes

If you’ve ever tried to change your teen’s mind, you know that it’s nearly impossible! No matter how much you try to persuade them to take harder classes, hang out with different friends or pick more lucrative extracurriculars…they tend to stick stubbornly to their own choices. It can start to feel like you’re going crazy, spending hours of your life begging teens to change their minds–especially when it’s over something serious like drug use or toxic relationships.

This disconnect applies not only in our homes, but our society at large. Our world is more divided than ever, and it seems like there’s no way to have productive conversations about what really matters. Online forums and social media have contributed immensely to this polarization, by allowing us to find people who agree with us wholeheartedly, never challenging our opinions or encouraging us to think critically. In some cases, this can lead people down rabbit holes into conspiracy theories or even cults–and it’s not easy to change their minds and bring them back!

So how can we start up productive discourse and change people’s minds for the better? We’re talking to David McRaney to find out. David is a science journalist and author of the popular blog, You Are Not So Smart, which ran for years before becoming a successful podcast and bestselling book. Today, he’s here to talk about his latest book,How Minds Change: The Science of Belief, Opinion and Persuasion, to help us understand the fascinating psychological process of forming and changing opinions.

In our interview, we’re discussing why it’s so incredibly difficult to change our teens’ minds about anything! Plus, David explains why we need to consider teens’ perspectives before making decisions, and breaks down the importance of peer groups in the persuasion process.

The Importance of Intention

You’ve asked your teen a hundred times to stop eating junk food, stop vaping, start going to SAT prep. You’ve even laid out all the facts to show them why they should listen to you…but they just don’t seem to care! Why is it so difficult to get anyone, especially teens, to change their viewpoint or lifestyle? David explains that providing facts and logic to try and sway someone doesn’t usually work. Teens are bound to cherry pick the information they want to hear, and conveniently ignore any facts that might disprove their opinion.

So how can we change teens’ minds? David suggests that we start by revealing our intentions. Oftentimes, we don’t realize that we actually have the same goals as teens–and that we could be working with teens instead of fighting against them.

For example, say you want your teen to stick to a strict curfew of 10:00 pm….but they haven’t been home before midnight in weeks. Although your main concern is keeping them safe, your teen might interpret this curfew as an attempt to control them and reject it outright. As David explains in the episode, people tend to resist when they feel their agency is being taken away–especially teenagers!

The result? You continue to nag, and your teen continues to break curfew. If you want to stop the cycle, David recommends communicating your safety concerns to your teen, and help them understand that you just want them home in one piece. Most likely, they want to stay safe as well! Now the two of you have a goal you can work towards together–their safety. They might even agree to a compromise that makes the both of you happy, like texting you every hour or only going out late with certain friends.

Even if you’re being honest about your intentions, however, kids can be pretty stubborn. But how did they get that way? In our interview, David and I are discussing the psychology of forming opinions…and refusing to budge from them!

How Humans Handle the Ambiguous

When we’re confronted with confusing information, our brains tend to work out some kind of solution or interpretation for the information we’ve just received–a process called disambiguation, as David explains. This process depends highly on our former life experiences, our access to information and our environment. This means that everyone disambiguates differently. When we see a new, trendy clothing style we aren’t used to, our brain might turn it from an ambiguous piece of clothing to something we dislike. Our teens, however, being from a different generation, might disambiguate these clothes in an opposite way..meaning you might be seeing them suddenly wearing something you think is strange or even ugly!

These variations in disambiguation often cause serious conflict in society. People from different backgrounds form remarkably different interpretations of events and issues, and fail to understand how anyone could possibly disagree with their particular viewpoint. David explains that we’re so hyper aware of our own disambiguations that we often can’t see the validity of anyone else’s. Then, especially with the help of the internet, we find others who agree with us until we’ve formed a group of people who reinforce our opinion and rarely encourage us to question it.

This stubborn divide in perspective is common among parents and teens, says David, and can be one of the reasons why teens and parents struggle to resolve conflict. Teens often fail to understand parents’ perspectives, but parents can also be out of touch with what teens feel and believe. We might try over and over again to get teens to study harder when all they want to do is hang out with their friends, forgetting that we were once rebellious teens ourselves. During those years, socializing often feels like life or death…and parents might benefit from remembering that feeling and interpreting situations from their teens’ mindset as best they can, says David.

Social pressures are incredibly significant for teens, and can be a big part of their opinion forming process. In the episode, David breaks down just how influential peer groups are in decision making.

The Power of Peer Influence

We all know that teens can be pretty susceptible to peer influence, but Dave explains just how powerful peers are in our interview. For humans, reputation is incredibly valuable, even more so then we may realize. He explains that humans actually fear “social death” (or being rejected by peers) even more than physical death. When confronted with the need to form an opinion on something, human beings will most reliably choose a conforming viewpoint that keeps them from being ostracized from the group.

David explains that this is often what keeps people stuck in cults or radical groups. Because members of these groups are encouraged to cut off friends and family who don’t agree with the organization, they no longer have a safe social space where they can express disagreement. Re-establishing that connection to others with different perspectives is typically the only way out of these groups. Although your teen likely isn’t in a cult, this logic still applies! Peer pressure can f...

Ep 200: A Supercut of Talking to Teens! Jul 24, 2022

We’re hitting some of the highlights for our 200th episode. Take a listen to favorite insights, guests, and memories from the vault!

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Welcome to our 200th episode!

In the past four years, we’ve covered a lot: dating, drug use, homework, hormones, screen time, sexuality, mental health, race and much more. We have had an incredible array of experts share their knowledge with us, and couldn’t be more grateful to see how our little show has spread to a worldwide community of parents of teens.

To help our newest listeners peer into our archives and remind long-time listeners of favorite gems, we’ve pulled together snippets from our most beloved interviews into a Supercut for our big 200th episode.

We’re so happy to have you here as we reach this important milestone. From all of us here at Talking to Teens–Andy, Virginia, Brian, Priya, and Tancredi–thanks for tuning in. Whether it’s your first week listening or you’ve been here since episode one, we couldn’t do this without you. We’re honored to be a part of your parenting journey.

Ep 199: What the Science Says About Sexual Identity Jul 17, 2022

Eliot Schrefer, author of Queer Ducks, joins us to shine a light on how same-sex relationships and gender fluidity occur naturally in the animal kingdom—and how to use this knowledge as a conversation starter about sex and gender in your home.

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Full show notes

Talking to kids about gender and sexuality isn’t easy. Maybe you want to start the conversation but don’t know how to approach it, or maybe teens are dropping some terminology about their identity that you don’t quite understand. These days, kids seem to have an entirely new language to label their sexual preferences and gender, and it can make parents feel confused or alienated. Not to mention, it can be pretty awkward to discuss sex, no matter who or what our kids are interested in!

But starting this conversation signals to kids that you accept them–which can be incredibly powerful. A recent study by the Trevor Project found that 42% of gay teens have considered suicide…and in many of these cases, parents didn’t even know their own child was gay. Whether your teen is out and proud or struggling in silence, they’ll certainly benefit from an open conversation around sexuality and gender in your home.

So how can we get our teens talking about sexuality? Well, we can start by reminding them that it’s totally natural! This week, we’re sitting down with Eliot Schrefer, author of Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality. Eliot is a New York Times bestselling young adult novelist and book reviewer for USA Today. While getting a Masters in Animal Studies at New York University, Eliot learned the fascinating ways that the natural world defies heterosexuality and gender binaries–and decided to write a book about it!

In our eye-opening interview, Eliot dives into how various species exhibit homosexuality and gender-bending behaviors in the wild! We also talk about how we can start breaking down heteronormative narratives for our teens, and how we use certain language to help teens feel comfortable opening up about their own gender and sexuality.

Gender and Sex In Other Species

We’ve all likely been raised to believe that humans are the only species that exhibits homesexual tendencies…but that couldn’t be further from the truth! In fact, according to Eliot, there are around 1500 different species in the animal kingdom that have significant same-sex interactions in the wild. We often don’t see this in nature documentaries because most animals are sexually monomorphic, meaning they look the same to humans regardless of their gender. However, these creature are definitely involved in same-sex relationships, according to scientists.

But why would animals behave this way? Isn’t their main goal to reproduce and pass on their gene pool? Eliot explains that while reproducing is significant to these animals, they’re also interested in the oxytocin–the feel-good chemical that motivates animals to bond and floods the brain during sex. This oxytocin can lead animals to have intercourse with those of the same sex, to not only feel good, but also form strong social ties within their community that can give them a competitive survival advantage.

In our interview, Eliot and I discuss various species who have both same-sex and reproductive sexual relationships. Eliot explains that some species like bonobos, our closest primate relative, actually have more female-on-female sex than reproductive, male-on-female intercourse. Similarly, male bottlenose dolphins will mate with females to reproduce, but only form long-term partnerships with other males–having sex over 2.4 times an hour while the females raise the baby on their own!

There are lots of other examples same-sex relationships among other species, which we discuss in the episode. Eliot explains how some animals break the gender binary, while others have asexual same-sex partnerships! All of this occurs naturally in the animal kingdom, reminding us that nature isn’t heteronormative or cisgender. Eliot and I talk about how we can work towards helping kids understand that their identities are also natural and not something to be ashamed of.

Should We Censor Sexuality?

Growing up in a different generation, we were rarely given helpful or even accurate information about homosexuality. In the episode, Eliot shares an anecdote about growing up as a gay youth, trying to find more resources or confirmation about his own sexuality. Instead, he found damaging and confusing information that made him feel as though he had a defect! This hurt his confidence and self-esteem for years, and kept him from coming out to his friends and family. And although resources have certainly improved, there’s still work to be done, Eliot explains.

In our interview, we discuss recent legislation which attempts to restrict the inclusion of gay and trans identities in children’s school curiculum. The logic behind this is to keep the existence of gay or transgender individuals out of kids heads, so that they won’t be “swayed” to change their own identiies, says Eliot. The underlying assumption is that questioning our sexuality is unnatural…but the prevalance of same-sex intercourse across species begs to differ, says Eliot. It’s inherent within all the members of the animal kingdom we coevolved with, he explains, and isn’t something you should stop any kid from learning about.

That might prompt us to ask a question oft researched in the late 20th century–is there a distinguishable gene that indicates if is someone gay? Eliot shares some research from the 1990s that tested the genes of fruit flies and claimed to have discovered the “gay” gene–but this study was conducted and sensationalized during a time of high anxiety over the gay population…and was later debunked. Modern research which examines the sexuality of identical twins separated at birth has found that sexual preferences are determined by a mix of genetics and cultural factors…and that there is no identifiable “gay” gene. Eliot and I dive further into this research in our interview!

All this scientific information might interest a teen who is questioning their own gender or sexuality. Eliot and I are helping you understand the best way to approach a conversation about all this with a teen, even if you don’t know where to start.

Helping Teens Feel Accepted

When kids start busting out words we’ve never heard to describe their gender or sexual preferences, we can feel intimdated or out of touch. Words like “demisexual” or “genderfluid” might have us scratching our heads, wondering if we’ll ever understand. It can make us want to avoid the conversation altogether! Eliot says that even he struggles with this occasionally, despite being the author of several books about sexuality and being a part of the lgbtq+ community himself.

However, he urges us not to pull back when we find ourselves confused by a new word, but instead push through and understand what it means for our kids’ identity. It can be incredibly significant to our teens if we just make the effort to understand and accurately use these labels, Eliot says. These words give teens a shorthand to communicate who they are, and help them start to build a strong definition of their purpose and place in the world.

Eliot explains that kids...

Ep 198: Emotional Awareness for Better Self-Control Jul 10, 2022

Thibaut Meurisse, author of Master Your Emotions, joins us this week to explain how we can process negative emotions in healthier ways. He also shares why we need more self-compassion and how we can stop caring what others think.

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Full show notes

Mastering our emotions is no easy task…especially when we have teens pushing our buttons all day long. It can be nearly impossible to keep our anger and frustration from overflowing when teens talk back, stay out past curfew, or repeatedly refuse to put down their phone! Whether they’re purposefully trying to antagonize us or just have a bit of rebellious teen spirit, kids’ behavior can stir up some serious negative feelings for parents.

When we don’t learn to process these negative emotions, they can build up and last for weeks, months, or even years–harming our mental health, productivity, and overall quality of life. But if we can learn to handle anger or sadness in healthy ways, we can unlock a more peaceful, prosperous existence for ourselves and our families.

To help us harness our emotions, we’re talking to Thibaut Meurisse, author ofMaster Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings. Thibaut is an acclaimed author of over twenty books about behavior and mentality, and the founder of lifestyle website whatispersonaldevelopment.org. His work has been featured on wellness websites like Llife Hack, Tiny Buddha, and Goalcast!

In our interview, Thibaut sheds some light on how both parents and teens can process their negative emotions in a healthy way. Plus, we discuss the immense value of self compassion, and Thibaut explains how teens can stop caring about what others think!

Reframing Our Emotions

When negative emotions arise, we sometimes let them stick around for a bit too long. If a teen says something that really hurts us or we fumble an important project at work, we can walk around for days ruminating about it. We let the anger and sadness keep us from being productive, or feel so guilty about what happened that we don’t let ourselves relax. But what if there was a better way to handle all this excess negative energy so that we could be happier in our daily lives?

Thibaut explains that there are three steps to processing our emotions: interpretation, identification, and repetition. When something happens–say, a teen slams a door in our face–we’ve got to interpret it. In this case, we might interpret this as rude behavior or disrespect! Then we’ve got to identify how we feel about it, says Thibaut. We might feel angry, frustrated, or powerless. Finally, we emphasize this feeling to ourselves over and over, making it hard for us to get out of a negative thought loop, Thibaut explains.

In order to get ourselves back on the path to positive feelings, we have to change the way we go through this process, says Thibaut. In the episode, we discuss some methods that both parents and teens can use to prevent negative emotions from taking over their lives. One valuable technique is the daily or weekly practice of recording your emotions, Thibaut explains. He suggests writing down the emotions that arise within you every day, noting where they originated from, and brainstorming what you could have done differently to prevent those tricky feelings from bubbling up. He recommends encouraging teens to do this too!

One important way we can prevent negativity in our daily lives is by practicing self-compassion. Thibaut and I are explaining how self compassion works on an everyday scale and how you can start being kinder to yourself.

The Secret of Self-Compassion

Sometimes, when we’re trying to implement self-discipline, we ditch positive self-talk in favor of harsh criticisms of ourselves. We might think that being friendly to ourselves will only cause us to backslide into weakness! But being kind to ourselves can actually have the opposite effect, Thibaut explains. When we’re struggling to meet a goal or find ourselves frequently failing, tough self-criticism can sometimes lead us to just give up altogether. If we dont believe we’re good enough to succeed, then we won’t give ourselves a fighting chance.

This can be especially true for teens who are still trying to figure it all out. It’s not easy to decide what you’re doing with your life, all while navigating all the social, academic and emotional challenges of modern day teenagerhood. Thibaut explains that teens today are also especially affected by all of the media they’re constantly consuming. Everything from Netflix to Tik Tok forces them to compare themselves to other, seemingly more successful people. In the episode, Thibaut and I talk about how teens can be more encouraging towards themselves as they’re growing into independent adults.

Thibaut and I also dive into a discussion about defensiveness, and how it often originates from negative self-talk. When teens are constantly berating themselves, feeling bad because they flunked a chemistry test, they may feel deep down that they are stupid or incapable, says Thibaut. When we later call them lazy in the heat of an argument, they can be seriously triggered by our confirmation of their internal self-assessment. This can lead them to get defensive and blow up in our faces. Thibaut tells us how we can help teens change their inner dialogue to show themselves more compassion.

For both parents and teens, the opinions of others can play a part in this constant self-criticism. In our interview, Thibaut is giving some tips to help us stop thinking about others’ opinions to live a more carefree life!

How To Stop Caring what Others Think

Because we have to spend 24/7 inside our own minds, we tend to see ourselves as the center of the universe, says Thibault. We think everyone is watching us, judging us, and even laughing at us as we go through our daily life. However, we often fail to realize that everyone is caught up thinking the same thing about themselves! Thibault reminds us that people are usually so worried about their own lives that they aren't paying very much attention to what we’re doing. While we’re still thinking about our embarrassing slip up the next day, they’ve likely forgotten about it, he says.

Thibaut encourages us to question how much time we spend thinking about others’ actions. Sure, we might be frustrated that the grocery store clerk forgot to give us our discount, but by the next day we’ve moved on! We tend not to dwell on the mishaps of others–meaning others likely don't dwell on our mistakes either! Thibaut recommends prompting teens to think about this when they’re ruminating over a presentation or a romantic rejection. Gently reminding them that it’s not the end of the world can go a long way, Thibaut explains.

Sometimes, the belief that others are judging us simply comes down to miscommunication. Since we tend to center ourselves, we often assume people are making fun of us…when really they’re not even thinking about us at all! When someone doesnt follow your daughter back on social media, she might think it’s a diss and feel deeply hurt…when maybe that person just hasn't logged on in a few days! De-centering ourselves and refraining from assumptions can help us stop caring wha...

Ep 197: Happy Brain Chemicals and Teen Behavior Jul 03, 2022

Loretta Breuning, author ofHabits of a Happy Brain, joins us to talk about how oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphins create happiness and habits in our teens’ minds.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Sometimes teens behave in ways that seem truly inexplicable. One day they'd rather die than miss a trip to the mall with their friends...and the next they can’t stand a single one of those same friends! They want to join the lacrosse team but won’t go to a single practice, date someone new every week, and change their future career three times in one day. It seems like they’re being motivated by something behind the scenes…something that even they don’t understand!

In reality, teens are acting under the influence of all sorts of brain chemicals that developed as a result of evolution. Beyond just the reproductive hormones like testosterone and estrogen that we often associate with adolescence, kids are motivated by their internal reward system, including chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals cause teens to form habits and reward-seeking patterns that not only shape their teenage lives, but potentially their adult lives too!

To understand how these chemical forces work in the teenage brain, we’re talking to Loretta Breuning, author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels. Loretta is the founder of the Inner Mammal Institute, which provides resources for people to understand their pleasure-seeking brain chemicals and cultivate a happier life!

In our interview, Loretta explains how oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphins work, how these chemicals change teens’ behavior, and what happens when teens don’t get enough of them.

The Chemicals Behind Your Teens’ Behavior

You may have heard that brain chemicals like dopamine or serotonin are related to happiness, but how do they really work? Loretta and I dive deep into the different chemicals that motivate us by signaling pleasure in our minds. In our interview, she explains that these chemicals are not a part of our conscious, reason-driven mind, but instead our inner, mammalian limbic system. This part of our brain controls how we feel, while the outer cortex uses logic to process our lives, says Loretta. Because these two are somewhat disconnected, we are often confused about what’s motivating us and making us happy!

Loretta explains that dopamine is one of the most important and significant chemicals in this reward system. It’s stimulated in our brains by attaining something we need or achieving a difficult task! For example, our ancestors had to scavenge for food in order to survive, so when they finally found and obtained nuts, berries, vegetables or meat, their minds were flooded with dopamine. This signaled to their brain that they should check back in the same place for food next time, ensuring their survival! In the modern day, this dopamine might come from ordering something we really want online, or finally finishing a book we’ve been reading for months.

Nowadays, we can achieve this dopamine a little too easily, says Loretta, leading us to occasionally feel depressed. In our modern society, we don’t have to scavenge through the woods for food…we just have to walk to the refrigerator! This can lead to a lack of stimulation in teens’ brains, and may cause them to feel bored or complain that there’s nothing to do. This could lead them to seek out dopamine in less healthy ways, Loretta explains. She and I talk about a feeling she calls “dopamine droop”, further in the episode.

Another important chemical is serotonin, which motivates us to earn respect from others. We receive serotonin when a crowd laughs at our jokes or cheers us on. Many times, we receive this chemical when we’re provided entry into some kind of exclusive clique, or feel ourselves move up in a hierarchy. This is what motivates teens to win football games, run for student body president, or accumulate hundreds of Instagram followers! It doesn’t last forever, says Loretta, leading us to constantly seek more and more. Even when we’ve received the highest award we can possibly get, our minds are often desperate to know when the next one is coming.

In the episode, Loretta and I talk about two other pleasure chemicals: oxytocin and endorphins. In addition to explaining what these chemicals are, Loretta and I are also discussing how they motivate teens to act certain ways.

Cultivating a Happy Mind

In our conversation, Loretta explains that teens are at the peak of neuroplasticity–meaning that they’re particularly susceptible to falling into reward-seeking habits that stimulate these chemicals. These habits might just stick with them as they grow into adults, so Loretta suggests encouraging them to think critically about how they search for that regular boost of happiness in their daily lives.

Loretta and I talk about how humans tend to receive a serotonin boost when they put others down, especially when this negative talk is shared with peers. It’s easy for us to make others seem small in order to boost our own status, says Loretta–it’s just a product of our mammalian brain. This mean-spirited behavior is pretty common among teenagers, and can lead to some serious drama. Loretta recommends that we help kids find ways to lift themselves up and achieve something for a serotonin boost, instead of bringing others down to get the same result.

This practice of dragging others down is often seen as a product of modern social media, but Loretta says we’ve been doing it for centuries. For most of human existence, we’ve been competing to be the most impressive and attain whatever brings us an increase in status. Nowadays, modern luxuries make it possible for us to obtain pretty much any physical object we want–meaning that social media and the online world has become the basis of modern day status-seeking. In our interview, Loretta explains why social media activity can be so emotional for teens who are trying to find their place in the high school hierarchy.

When discussing the effects of these chemicals, Loretta and I also talk about what happens when we don’t receive them. We’re prone to feeling the physical and mental sensation of disappointment–what happens when we anticipate a hit of serotonin or oxytocin that we never end up receiving. Disappointment can often spike our cortisol levels, leaving us stressed and in a negative thought loop, says Loretta. For our ancestors, this feeling of disappointment may have come from not having enough food to stay alive. For us, it might come from having to wait a long time at the grocery store, or finding out our favorite show is no longer on Netflix!

In the episode, Loretta and I talk at length about the power of distraction: how giving ourselves or our teens small rewards can help soften the blow of disappointments. A few spoonfuls of ice cream or dancing at a party can help teens remain stable and healthy throughout daily life! Loretta warns against making these small pleasures taboo–if we don’t have little rewards along the way, we can go overboard when we finally boil over from too much stress.

In the Episode…

My conversation with Loretta wa...

Ep 196: Do Genetics Determine Teens’ Behavior? Jun 26, 2022

Jesse Prinz, author of Beyond Human Nature, joins us to discuss the role of both nature and nurture in teens’ development. He explains why we shouldn’t attribute teens’ abilities to biology, and shares the significance of both parental and peer influence on teens.

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For centuries, parents have been locked in a nature vs. nurture debate, trying to uncover the forces behind our teens’ development. Some parents believe nature has majority control over who teens become, and that things like personality, mental health issues and risk of addiction are passed down through the gene pool. Others think that these factors are mainly influenced by socialization, parental behavior and cultural influence–meaning the way we treat our kids shapes who they become.

When teens are exhibiting behavior we’re not exactly proud of, it can be tempting to blame biological factors. We let ourselves off the hook, claiming that there’s nothing we could have done to stop their substance use or aggression anyway. But constantly attributing kids’ behavior to nature can be inaccurate and even harmful! It stops us from critically examining the way we've influenced our teens, and even perpetuates certain sexist or racist agendas by declaring “natural” differences as the foundation for discrimination.

To understand the nuances of this ongoing nature vs. nurture debate, we’re talking to Jesse Prinz, author of Beyond Human Nature: How Culture and Experience can Shape the Human Mind. Jesse is a Distinguished Professor of philosophy and Director of the Committee for Interdisciplinary Science Studies at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York. He’s been conducting research on the mind for over twenty years, and has authored multiple books and over a hundred articles on topics like consciousness and emotion.

In our interview, Jesse and I are discussing how using nature as the default explanation for kids’ development can lead to harmful discrimination. We’re also discussing how affluence plays a role in who teens become, and debating whether parents or peers have a biggest influence on teen behavior.

Why We Shouldn’t Blame Genetics

With so much revolutionary tech and research in the field of genetics in recent years, Jesse notes that humans seem to be trending towards biological explanations for a variety of human conditions. However, as we discuss in the episode, he finds that we’ve been categorizing too many things as innate and out of our control–and it’s been holding us back.

In the episode, Jesse and I discuss a concerning conclusion drawn a few years back, when this idea of natural, biological differences was incorrectly used to explain discrepancy. When Harvard president Larry Summers was examining levels of enrollment in STEM fields at his university, he found that there were significantly less women in math and science majors. To explain this gap, he remarked that there must be an innate difference between men and women that endows certain natural talents to males–and males only.

As Jesse and I discuss in the episode, this explanation fails to take into account the real reason why women shy away from STEM professions. Young women are constantly socialized to believe they aren’t as capable as men when it comes to crunching numbers or solving equations! In our interview, Jesse dives into a wealth of research that indicates parents and administrators are much more likely to encourage male students to challenge themselves on math or science homework, while simply giving female students the answers. Most shockingly, Jesse explains that we usually do this subconsciously, even if we believe that male and female students are equal in their capabilities.

In fact, students face a lot of unequal treatment, and not just on the basis of gender. Jesse and I are also discussing how lower socioeconomic status can hold students back, even on tests that are simply supposed to measure innate intelligence.

How Affluence Affects Teens’ Abilities

Relying on nature to explain the differences in our teens’ aptitude can often fail to account for differences in socioeconomic status, Jesse explains. Our education system hands our kids a lot of standardized tests, assuring us that if our kids are naturally smart, they’ll perform well. But as Jesse and I discuss in the episode, wealthier students who can afford private tutoring or advanced classes for the test typically score 20% higher than those who can’t…meaning that being gifted sometimes isn’t enough.

Some students also face a phenomenon known as the stereotype threat, a sensation experienced by minorities who fear that stereotypes about their race or gender might apply to them personally, explains Jesse. This often occurs during high pressure situations, and is especially common for those from poorer backgrounds. Many women and people of color have been socialized to believe they aren't going to perform as well as their counterparts on these standardized tests–and studies show that when they have to write down details like their race or gender before taking these exams, they usually score lower.

The same is often true within the world of sports, Jesse explains. Although certain aspects like height and build are a result of biology and give some kids an upper hand, they don’t always promise athletic success. Affluence plays a huge role in which athletes get a leg up. Having access to better coaches or expensive lessons, a healthy and individualized diet, and certain digital assets are all indicators of probable athletic success–and also cost an arm and a leg! So if kids are struggling to make the basketball team, it might have less to do with their innate abilities and more to do with the fact that you don’t have thousands of dollars to spend on their dunking skills.

Affluence and socialization clearly have a significant impact over who a teen becomes… but how much responsibility lies on parents? Jesse and I are tackling the “nurture” side of the debate and explaining how much of an effect parents really have on their teens’ development.

The Influence of Parents and Peers

In our discussion, Jesse brings up a commonly believed theory, originating from those who tend to lean more towards the nurture side of the debate–that peers actually have more influence over kids than parents do. Those who subscribe to this theory typically believe that parents don’t have a remarkably deep impact on their kids, given that the parents are decent enough caretakers. Instead, kids are mainly influenced by the peers they hang out with regularly. This can lead parents to become a bit nervous about who their teen is spending time with, and maybe even cause them to micromanage their teen’s friends.

However, Jesse explains that peer groups can actually be a safe haven for teens. The validation that fellow kids provide while your teen still evolving can do wonders for confidence and identity formation. Sometimes, this group of friends might be a bit more rebellious than you’d like, but the rebellious crowds can actually help your teen break free from convention and feel more comfortable stepping out of their comfort zone, says Jesse. This can be critical for teens’ long term happiness and wellbeing.

Ep 195: The Mindset of Success Jun 19, 2022

Ruth Gotian, author of The Success Factor, explains how teens can cultivate the right mindset for success. Plus, how our kids can figure out their life’s purpose and find strong mentors to guide them.

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We want our kids to be successful: find and excel at their passions, achieve remarkable things and of course, make enough money to be independent from us! But how can we help them get there? Some teens have plenty of ambition but can’t quite match it with work ethic. Others seem pretty apathetic to their future career, and some just don’t know what to do with their lives!

Whatever situation your teen is in, the road to success is bound to be a rocky one.

Luckily, there are ways we can help our teens make success a reality! Teens can achieve anything–if we just guide them towards developing the right mindset. There are tools we can use to help lost teens find their spark, and bring already ambitious teens even closer to their dreams and goals.

Our guest this week is here to share some incredible tips for cultivating a prosperous life! Her name is Ruth Gotian, and she’s the author of The Success Factor: Developing the Mindset and Skillset for Peak Business Performance. Ruth is the Chief Learning Officer and an Assistant Professor of Education in Anesthesiology at Weill Cornell Medicine. Her work is featured regularly in Forbes, Psychology Today, and the Harvard Business Review, and she is internationally recognized as an influential thinker in the world of management and leadership.

In our interview, we’re talking about how teens can develop the right mindset for success. We’re also discussing how we can help teens find their life’s passion and why mentors and social circles are so critical to finding success.

How Our Mindset Can Make or Break Us

When we talk about becoming successful people, we tend to talk about habits. We imagine waking up at 5 AM to exercise, mediate, drink green smoothies and watch the stock market. Then we try all that….and it we just end up tired, hungry and still far from successful! While these habits can help some people, they’re realistically not for everyone, says Ruth–especially not for teens! With the grueling schedule of high school, homework and extracurriculars, these kinds of habits are only going to exhaust them, not bring them closer to success.

Instead, Ruth suggests that we help teens emulate the same mindset, but figure out their own habits. She recommends we prompt teens to evaluate their schedule to figure out the hours in which they’re the most productive–which is likely not 5 AM! Ruth refers to these as “peak performance hours”, when teens can do the most challenging active tasks. Then, during times when they typically get more tired, they can schedule in some passive tasks like answering emails or reviewing flashcards! Figuring out how to optimize productivity is one of the most essential parts of having a success-oriented mindset.

In the episode, Ruth and I also discuss how the right mindset can help teens block out negativity! Ruth explains how we can act like either teflon or velcro when someone tries to bring us down. If we act like velcro, we allow their negative words to stick to us all day and make us feel less than. But if we decide to adopt a teflon mindset, we can deflect their comments, and let them slide off of us without a care. Easier said than done though, right? In our interview, Ruth shares some tips for adopting this teflon mentality.

Even if teens have the ambition and mindset for success, they might not know what to apply it to! It’s not always easy for teens to find their purpose, but with Ruth’s help, we can guide teens to figure out their life’s passion.

Helping Teens Find Their “Why”

It can be frustrating when teens seem to quit everything they try, leading us to wonder if they’ll ever figure out what they’re passionate about. Ruth encourages us to be patient and let them try lots of things until they discover what’s right for them. Doing this allows teens to find their “why”, which Ruth defines as the underlying motivation for anything and everything they do. In her work with med students, Ruth has found that those with the strongest “why” are the ones who persevere through every challenge.

For some people, their “why” is self-improvement, pushing them to become great athletes or musicians. Others may have lost a loved one to an illness, and want to join the medical field to help others in need. Some are angered and saddened by injustice, leading them to become lawyers or politicians. The sooner your teen can figure out what gets them out of bed in the morning and motivates them to work hard, the sooner they’ll start seeing successes in their lives.

In the interview, Ruth and I talk about how teens often don’t feel passionate about what they’re learning in school–and how we can change that. As an educator and former PhD student herself, Ruth knows what makes students thrive or struggle. She explains that subject based learning, where teens master facts and numbers, doesn’t quite stick the same way as applied learning. When young adults understand how they can actually use the information being taught to them, they’re much more likely to retain it. We discuss this further in the episode!

If teens have the right mindset and a passion-fuelled goal to work towards, they can also benefit immensely from having mentors and the right social circle.

Why Mentors and Peers Make a Difference

It can be pretty hard for teens to find strong mentors, but it’s often because they’re not looking in the right places, says Ruth. Teens often search for people with whom they share many similarities, but oftentimes those people aren’t going to help teens break out of their comfort zones and consider new perspectives, says Ruth. Ideally, teens should have lots of different mentors from different industries and corners of life. Together, these people can shape your teen in individual ways that are altogether greater than the sum of their parts.

Ruth advises against asking someone outright to be a mentor. This can make people feel nervous or uncomfortable, and they may not feel like they have time for another commitment in their busy life! Instead, she suggests that teens simply ask them for help with a specific task, and demonstrate how interested they are in the achievement at hand. For example, if teens want to become educators, asking a teacher for some college teaching program recommendations could be a great way to show a possible mentor that they’ve got ambitions and may need some advice!

Ruth and I also talk a lot about how the right social circle can either elevate a teen to success or bring them down. When they’re spending time with other high achievers, they’re constantly surrounded by a high standard. This encourages them to push themselves towards their full potential. Teens who spend time with slackers might not see the value of striving towards success when the standard set by their peers is lower. Finding the right set of peers is one of the most important parts of becoming a successful individual, says Ruth.

In The Episode…

Ruth has a lot of great advice, whether your teen is a go-getter or still needs a little push to reach their potential. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about….

Ep 194: Sex Hormones and Your Teen’s Brain Jun 12, 2022

Dr. Louann Brizendine joins us to talk about how sex hormones affect teen’s behavior. Plus, how teens establish a social hierarchy with their peers and why seemingly simple conversations with teens sometimes turn into full blown arguments.

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When our kids are being moody and dramatic, we tend to just roll our eyes and chalk up their behavior to hormones. We know their bodies and brains are changing…so they’re going to have some growing pains! But when we say the word “hormones”, do we know what it really means? Beyond just affecting our kids' emotions and physical development, how do these chemicals really work within our teens' bodies as they evolve from kids to adults?

To understand how hormones affect our teens, we’ll have to go way back…all the way back to conception! Hormones have been affecting our kids since they were little more than a fertilized egg. Understanding how hormones act on the mind and body throughout the human lifespan can help us understand what’s going on during the teens years–and why teens can be so angry, sad, confused and angsty!

To help us get to the bottom of all the hormonal changes, we’re talking to Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of both The Female Brainand The Male Brain. Louann is an endowed professor of clinical psychology at the University of California, San Francisco, where she also founded the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic. She’s dedicated her life to studying how hormones change human behavior, thoughts and emotions.

In our interview, Louann is helping us understand our kids’ hormonal timeline, from the womb to adulthood. We’re also discussing the difference between female and male social behavior during the teen years, and how hormones can cause simple conflicts to escalate into intense arguments with teens.

The Hormone Timeline

Although we often associate hormones with the teenage years, these chemicals are powerful forces that shape our kids before they’re even born! Louann explains that our hormones, especially testosterone, begin to have major effects on humans when a fetus is only six weeks old. If the fetus carries XY chromosomes, its entire body and brain will be marinated in testosterone after six weeks, says Louann, creating male anatomy. For fetuses with the XX chromosome, this testosterone is absent, leading them to develop female features as a default!

Louann explains that males face an intense influx of testosterone as they go through puberty. For boys, testosterone levels go up steadily for their entire childhood, hitting a peak around age fifteen. During adolescence, Louann says that boys see a 250x increase of testosterone, making them rather eager to begin mating! This is the period in which young men begin to find themselves interested in females, says Louann, something that’s incredibly normal. In the episode, we discuss how we can help our sons understand that all these new feelings are simply a part of getting older, not something to be ashamed of.

For young women, a hormonal timeline tends to look more cyclical, especially after menstruation begins, says Louann. In the episode, we talk a lot about the hormone cycle women go through every month. You might be worried when your daughter suddenly starts dressing differently or talking about boys, but it’s likely a result of her ovulation, when her body tells her to turn on the charm, says Louann. And the idea of “PMS” is more than just a joke–women really do experience intense emotions as a result of hormone changes when they’re about to experience their period, Louann explains.

For teens, hormones cause more than just body changes–they also affect social and emotional behavior, especially when it comes to interacting with peers. In our interview, Louann and I are discussing how boys and girls experience social hierarchy and rejection differently.

Hormones and Teen Social Hierarchies

Interestingly, Louann tells us that friendship between females is incredibly rewarding–much more so than friendship between males. When women are sharing secrets and confiding in one another, their minds release hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, meaning they feel happy and safe. This likely developed for evolutionary purposes, explains Louann. Having deep connections with other women can help females develop an extra layer of protection and support for both herself and her potential offspring.

On the other hand, teen girls can have very catty and conflict-filled relationships! But why would this happen, when female friendships are so rewarding? Louann explains that this drama is most prevalent in the teen years, as girls are still developing self-image and find themselves constantly comparing their own bodies to those of other women. During this period, young girls can have a lot of very painful, self loathing thoughts, says Louann, leading them to lash out against other young women who are potentially receiving more attention from males.

It’s different for boys, however, Louann explains. Male hierarchies are most likely to be founded on physical strength and aggression. In the episode, Louann shares an interesting piece of research in which ten young men, all strangers, briefly met and then ranked themselves on a hypothetical hierarchy. Because so much of the male pecking order is decided through physical strength, every single one of the boys had an identical ranking, based on the physical fitness of the other participants.. Louann explains that the natural male hormonal response to strong negative feelings or threats is to become physically aggressive, creating a hierarchy of physical dominance.

When tensions are running high in your home and an argument breaks out, emotions can escalate pretty quickly. Louann explains that this is because of a process called “emotional contagion”.

How Emotions Can Be Contagious

One minute, it seems like you and your teen are just chatting it up about their day at school, and the next they burst into tears, run up into their room and slam the door. You’re left there wondering, how did this happen, and how did I not see it coming? In our interview, Louann explains that while women can read people’s faces and predict if they’re about to cry, men struggle with this a lot. If you’re a man, you night find yourself grappling with this!

And when men do sense that a young woman might cry, they are often struck by my emotional contagion, says Louann. This is the ability of one person's strong emotions to transfer to another during an argument or a conversation. This emotional contagion can trigger our pain response when a teen is crying or yelling, which can stress us out! We want the emotional intensity to come down a notch, so we might try to calm our teen down or even just leave the room altogether. Louann suggests that we take a minute to try and de-escalate the situation. This can bring your teen back to a better place while also helping you settle your own emotions.

In the episode, Louann and I talk about how males and females channel emotions differently, but otherwise have brains that are 99% the same! Boys are likely to become more physically aggressive when upset while girls may cry or become verbally...

Ep 193: Healthy Ways to Handle Conflicts Jun 05, 2022

Gabe Karp, author of Don’t Get Mad at Penguins, joins us to talk about how we can handle conflict with our teens in healthy ways, stay calm during heated arguments and help teens develop critical communication skills.

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Full show notes

We all have conflicts with our kids. Whether it’s over something big like their college major or something as small as what they’ll eat for breakfast, disagreement is natural. As teens grow into independent thinkers, there’s bound to be some tension in your house. But when your discussions keep turning into a screaming match and doors start slamming left and right…you might find yourself left wondering, is there a better way??

It turns out, disputes with teens don’t have to feel like emotional warfare! With better tools, we can take the friction between us and our teens and turn it into something productive. Although it’s not easy to keep your cool when teens push your buttons, there are some things we can do to avoid escalating the conversation into a toxic argument! If we can bring the right energy to these quarrels, we can create a more peaceful home and strengthen our bonds with teens along the way.

To help us solve our squabbles in a healthy way, we’re talking to Gabe Karp, author of Don’t Get Mad at Penguins: And Other Ways to Detox the Conflict in Your Life and Business. Gabe’s trial lawyer who later joined a small tech start up and helped turn it into one of the biggest companies in the world! As a venture capitalist, he’s negotiated multi-million dollar deals. A powerful businessman and a parent, Gabe knows just how much our conflicts can drag us down if we don’t find healthy ways to handle them.

In the episode, we’re discussing why clashes with teens are a natural part of life, and how you can tackle them in a productive, nontoxic way! Plus, Gabe explains how you can use a “shopping list” voice to keep a conflict from escalating, and why sharing your own experiences with teens can help them feel understood.

Keeping Disagreements Docile

Although we might see conflict as something to be avoided, it’s pretty much inevitable that we’ll squabble with teens, says Gabe. It’s not only a natural part of life, it’s a sign that your teen is developing strong critical thinking skills and confidence! Gabe explains that if we can lean into conflict instead of constantly avoiding it, we can be happier and more successful people. It’s important, however, to distinguish between toxic conflict and nontoxic conflict, he says. While nontoxic conflict pushes us to be more honest and find solutions, toxic conflict simply exists to create more problems.

So how can we take the toxins out of our disagreements? Gabe explains that ego and emotional thinking are typically at the center of this problem, especially for conflicts between parents and kids. When kids say they won’t be home by curfew, we start to get anxious about their safety and frustrated that they won't listen, leading us to get angry or lash out. We feel like they’re challenging our authority, which can bruise our ego! But if we can let go of this kind of thinking, we’ll be able to solve the conflict with calamity instead of yelling or fighting, says Gabe.

It can also be effective to try and remove judgment, Gabe explains. We’re often quick to judge our teen’s friends, as a way of sorting out who’s a good influence and who’s bad news. But if we express these judgments to teens and declare they stop seeing these “bad” friends, they’ll only continue doing it behind our backs. It might even drive them further towards a bad crowd! Gabe suggests keeping these judgments to ourselves, and instead prompt teens to make their own judgments.

In the episode, Gabe shares a particularly interesting method for approaching disagreement with teens, which he calls the “shopping list” voice.

Staying Calm During Conflict

When our kids talk back or break our rules, our first instinct is to often remind them who’s in charge by raising our voice and going on a verbal tirade. However, this not only drives a wedge between the two of you, but also makes it literally impossible for them to process what you’re saying, Gabe explains. When humans feel like we’re under attack, many of our neurological pathways shut down and we can’t take in new information properly. This is typically what goes on in kids’ heads when you’re yelling at them to do better!

Instead Gabe recommends communicating your frustration in what he refers to as a “shopping list” voice. This means talking to your kid in a neutral, matter-of-fact tone, as though you’re reading them a list of the grocery store items you might need. Keeping your tone dispassionate while still expressing your frustration with the situation helps you communicate your message very clearly to a teen, making sure they don’t miss the message at hand. It can be hard, however, to stay this calm and collected when you’re about to boil over. Gabe shares some tips for keeping cool in the episode.

Oftentimes, this shopping list talk can start to sound like a lecture. Although you don’t want to react emotionally in the situation, it can be helpful to speak with empathy, says Gabe. Teenagers are feeling a lot of things, and showing that you understand where they’re at emotionally will help bring them around to your side of the issue. Some teens truly feel that their life will be ruined if they don't go to a particular party. Even though we know that’s not true, it can be valuable to validate those feelings and even share a time when you felt the same way!

In fact, sharing your own experiences and feelings can be an essential part of conflict resolution. Gabe and I talk about this in length in our interview.

Why Vulnerability Matters

Most of the time, we really do know how teens feel…because we were teens once too! We know the crushing feeling of being rejected by our crush, the social pressures of seeming cool in the high school hallways, and the constant confusion about who we are or want to be. If we can share stories and feelings from our own youth, teens might understand that we’re not trying to ruin their lives, but instead lead them down the right road. It doesn’t have to be a story from your teen years either, says Gabe. Maybe you’ve got a situation at work that feels just as challenging as finding a date to the prom!

Once you’ve presented an idea to your teen and shared all the reasons why you think you’re right, Gabe suggests giving them a chance at a rebuttal. Even though you might not want to hear it, your teen might just make a good point that shifts your perspective on the entire situation. Teaching kids to justify their beliefs, speak about their emotions and provide explanations for their behavior is a great way to instill positive communication skills that they can bring into adulthood.

However, Gabe recommends straying away from telling teens what it is they’re feeling. Although you may have felt angry and sad about your SAT score as a teen doesn’t mean your own teen is feeling that way! If you try to assign them feelings, they’re bound to get defensive. Gabe suggests we tell them how we felt in our own version of the situation, and then wait for them to t...

Ep 192: Dads and Daughters May 29, 2022

Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her, joins us to talk about the challenges facing dads when it comes to raising teen daughters. Plus, what to do when teens rebel against what we believe in, and how we can create safe spaces for our kids to be vulnerable.

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Full show notes

Raising a girl in today’s society comes with so many challenges. Young women are juggling puberty, sexuality, academics, friendships and more, all while trying to navigate the pressures of the online world. The constant presence of social media puts pressure on teens to have the perfect body, the best clothes, and the coolest friends–basically to live an impossibly perfect life! When teens are obsessing over instagram, suddenly wearing crop tops, fighting with all their friends and declaring that they’re failing chemistry….it can be easy to feel like there’s no possible way to help them get through it all.

To make matters worse, our teen girls aren’t exactly receptive to talking about any of it. As young women inch closer to adulthood, they tend to resent taking any advice from parents, and it seems like everything we say just makes them mad! But just because girls are changing, doesn’t mean we can’t still be an important part of their lives. This week, we’re helping guide you towards having more positive, productive conversations with your daughters, especially during such a critical period in their lives.

Joining us today is Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her: A Dad’s Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters. Although her book focuses on dad-daughter relationships, Kim knows quite a bit about how all parents can cultivate healthy communication with their girls! She’s an educator and speaker who holds both a bachelor’s in gender studies from Brown and a master’s in human development and psychology from Harvard! Her education as well as her own personal experiences growing up as a girl inspired her to dive deeper into the struggles of today’s young women.

In our interview, we’re covering what you can do to maintain a positive relationship with your teen, even when they start to reject the values you raised them with. Plus, what to do when your daughter leaves the house in an outfit that’s a little more revealing than you’re used to, and how you can signal to your kid that you’re open to hard conversations whenever they’re in need of support!

Navigating a Teen’s Changing Identity

Kids are still figuring out who they are, and adolescence is a period of experimentation. Kids are not only forming understandings of sexuality and body image, but also values and spirituality! Although you may have raised your kids to think one way, this adolescent period is when they might begin to diverge from your teachings–and we’ve got to learn to be ok with that, says Kimberly. In the episode, we talk about how kids approaching adulthood are experiencing a tumultuous inner confusion over what to believe and what to value, and how hard it can be on parents.

In particular, many parents can grow frustrated over an adolescent’s religious choices, Kimberly explains. During this period of change, teens question everything: their clothes, their friends, their personality–so why wouldn’t they question their faith as well? Although it can be a pretty emotional topic for parents, Kimberly suggests taking a rational approach, and letting kids find their own religious reasoning. As free-thinking individuals, they’re going to take their own stance on religion anyway, says Kimberly, and trying to force them to conform to what you believe will only drive them further towards rebellion.

If we want kids to follow the same practices that we subscribe to–whether those practices are religious, nutritional, social, etc–Kimberly recommends simply setting an example. Kids are pretty observant, and if you show them how your lifestyle benefits you, they might actually come around to it. In the episode, Kimberly explains how teens tend to drift from the teachings of their parents, but often return to those values later in life.

As young women are going through these rapid changes, they tend to find themselves dressing differently! They’re navigating sexuality and body image, leading to some outfits that can make parents a little uncomfortable. In the episode, Kimberly and I are talking about how we can handle these sudden changes without ostracizing or shaming our daughters.

Are My Daughter’s Clothes Too Revealing??

When we see a teen about to head out with quite a bit of skin showing, it can make us a little nervous. Our head might be swimming with thoughts, worrying about their safety and wondering what people will think. It’s tempting to vocalize these worries to teens as soon as we see them, and we might even want to send them back upstairs to change! But surprisingly, Kimberly recommends against saying anything at all. In her research she’s found that most teens do not react well when parents comment on what they’re wearing.

Instead, Kimberly encourages parents to do some research! It can be helpful to ask around to other parents, school staff members and other people in the community to see if your teen is dressing in a way that’s particularly out of the ordinary. As she explains in the episode, kids are often dressing this way not necessarily to sexualize themselves, but just to fit in with current trends. Teens tend to cherish the approval of their peers and want to create a curated image on social media, so they often wear these more revealing styles as a way to blend in.

Although we can be quick to assign these clothes to our teens’ “bad” choices, we also have to realize that our daughters are under intense scrutiny as young women. The pressure to perform, fit in and buy what’s being marketed to them can push them towards dressing this way. Plus, some teens just feel more confident in garments that are more flattering than those which are baggy or loose fitting!

Although we might want to avoid a conversation about clothes, there are plenty of other things that we may want to communicate with our teens about, whether that’s friendships, sexuality, or puberty. And even though teens can sometimes run screaming from these kinds of talks, there are also ways we can help them feel safe being vulnerable.

Helping Teens Open Up

One common thing that can inhibit conversations between parents and teens is the ever changing vernacular teens seem to have about tech, sexuality, fashion, and politics. Parents may not know the definition of words kids throw around when describing their sexual orientation or their political standing. Kimberly says we shouldn’t stress this too much, and if we don’t know what teens are talking about, we should just ask! Prompting our teens to teach us something is a really valuable way to show them that you want to listen, learn, and take the time to care.

In the episode, Kimberly and I talk about a specific scenario parents often find themselves in–when a teen comes to you, telling you that a friend of theirs is in a bad situation. Kimberly explains that sometimes teens are framing this as a friend’s situation instead of their own situation, even when in reality, it’s your teen who’s going through it. This helps them deflect judgment from parent...

Ep 191: Pushing Teens to Their Full Potential May 22, 2022

Anthony Lynch, author of No Limits, comes on the show to explain how the right mindset can help teens reach their full potential. Plus, how teens can find their purpose and passion.

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Full show notes

Kids tend to have big dreams…but are constantly told to be more “realistic.” When they say they want to be an astronaut, pop star, or professional athlete, we might lightly suggest they pick a safer option. Have they thought about accounting? What about coding? Maybe they should just stick with something stable and consistent, and stop trying to disrupt the status quo.

But what if we could step outside of our limited way of thinking to see infinite possibilities for our teens? What if, by striving for the seemingly impossible, our teens may just exceed everyone’s wildest expectations? If they’re dedicated, persistent, and hardworking enough, they may be able to accomplish something extraordinary. This week, we’re discussing how letting go of limits might be the key to truly successful teens.

Joining us is Anthony Lynch, author of No Limits: How to Build an Unstoppable Mindset. Anthony is a certified fitness professional who focuses on youth athletic performance training, as well as a bestselling lifestyle and fitness author. In his work he helps both kids and adults reach mental, physical and financial prosperity. In our interview, he’s helping parents see how a strong mindset can propel teens into the life of their dreams!

In the episode, Anthony explains why it’s critical for your teen to have a “high-agency mindset.” Plus, we discuss why physical health is a jumping-off point for success in all areas, and how we can help teens grapple with big dreams and find their life’s purpose.

Why Mindset Matters

When teens have big, wild ambitions, people tend to try and talk them out of it…parents included! Of course we want to see our teens successful, but we’re also scared to see them fail–so we encourage them to stick to safe and small goals, for fear that they’ll bite off more than they can chew. But Anthony says that it’s the teens who can strive for what they want despite naysayers that will truly find success.

He calls this a “high-agency mindset”– the idea teens might trust their dreams more than their critics. When someone tells these teens their ideas are impossible, they don’t just give up and go for something simpler, they continue to work towards their goal in spite of others’ opinions! The teens who choose to persevere are the ones who’ll really find success, says Anthony. While most people allow fear of failure to hold them back, those with a high agency mindset rise to the challenge.

However, some teens have the confidence to defy critics…but lack the clarity, Anthony explains. They want to aim for greatness in something, but they’re just not sure what they’re passionate about yet! Without passion, people tend to get bored, disengaged or frustrated with their goals, leading them to give up at the first sign of trouble. But if teens are working towards something they truly care about, they’ll have a reason to show up everyday to do the work!

If teens want to cultivate a strong mental capacity, Anthony believes that they’ll have to simultaneously build up their physical strength! In the episode, we’re talking about how we can get teens off their phones and out the door to get some exercise.

How Physical Wellness Creates Mental Stability

When we watch Olympic athletes dominate the competition, we know that it's more than just brute strength that makes them such good players. It’s also mental power–how they use strategic information and determination to masterfully defeat their opponents. Anthony explains that life works the same way. Being mentally strong helps us strategize and conquer life’s challenges, but being physically active helps us stay happy, confident and focused. By combining the power of both, we can reach our full potential.

For some teens, physical activity isn’t exactly the top priority. They’re more concerned with scrolling on Instagram or playing games on Discord than they are with their physical health! With the pandemic forcing us all to stay inside, teens have become a bit more inclined to lie in bed on the weekends when they could be out in the world, riding a skateboard or hitting the gym. In the episode, Anthony and I discuss how annoying it can be for parents to constantly beg teens over and over to get out and get some exercise.

Anthony recommends helping teens find some kind of physical activity that gets them excited! For some teens, it could be hiking, for others, it might be playing basketball with friends down the street. These activities won’t just help teens be physically healthier, but also encourage them to set new goals, like winning a weekend pickup game or setting a personal best! When they put in the hard work to achieve these goals, they’ll learn an important lesson about what it takes to go above and beyond in the quest for greatness.

So your teen has cultivated the physical and mental strength that’s necessary for success…but do they know how to set a goal or what steps to take to reach the top? Anthony and I are talking about how we can help teens orient themselves by asking the right questions and setting concrete goals.

Setting Their Goals in Motion

To help teens define their goals, Anthony recommends asking them some big questions. Questions like: if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? Or: if you had all the money, time and resources possible, what would you do? These questions help teens begin thinking about who they are and what they want to accomplish in their life. Anthony encourages you to sit down and do this with your teen, asking yourself the same questions! It might bring the two of you together–and help teens see that they’re not the only ones still figuring it all out.

In the episode, Anthony and I talk all about creating vision boards, and how you can do it with your kids at home! This involves taking a piece of cork board or poster board and putting pictures, quotes, inspirational people and more on the front. These boards are a way for your teen to visualize and materialize their wildest ambitions, and then have a physical reminder of them everyday!

But how can teens take these general ambitions and turn them into reality? Anthony suggests starting with a mission statement. This is a direct statement of what exactly your teens’ plan is and how they intend to go through with it! For example, if your teen plans to lose weight, their mission statement might state how many pounds they aim to lose and in what time frame. They could add specific actions they’ll take to do it, like running twice a week or eating less junk food. This propels teens from just dreaming to actually doing!

In the Episode….

Anthony’s perspective on motivation is fascinating, and can be helpful to both teens and parents! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why we should reject conventional wisdom
How we can encourage teens to dream in a realistic way
Why it’s important for teens to fail
How we can ditch negative self-t...

Ep 190: Teen Vaping May 15, 2022

Jamie Ducharme, author of Big Vape, demystifies the vaping industry and explains how teens have been lured into vape addictions. Plus, she shares some tips for relaying to teens the truth about e-cigarettes and vapes.

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Full show notes

When most of us first heard about vaping, we were told it was a way for smokers to put down a cigarette and try something a little healthier. We probably didn’t think it was particularly dangerous…or something our teens were likely ever to become addicted to! But in the past few years, e-cigarettes have become massively popular among young adults. These affordable, fruit-flavored, colorful devices are not only easy for teens to obtain, but also easy to hide–they often look just like flash drives!

For parents who know the dangers of cigarettes, it can be confusing and concerning to watch these devices develop a massive young fan base. With little science to help us understand their ingredients or effects, it can be hard to know if they are even remotely safe for kids to use. As far as we know, beyond their extremely addicting qualities, they could have life-threatening side effects!

Today, we’re separating fact from fiction to discover the truth about vaping. Joining us is journalist Jamie Ducharme, author of Big Vape: The Incendiary Rise of Juul. Jamie covers health, science and medicine for Time magazine. She’s been writing about the rise of vapes since 2018, when the invention of the popular Juul device brought vaping to the forefront of widespread public fascination. Her research can give us some insight into the mysteries of these electronic cigarettes, and help us finally figure out what effects they’re really having on our kids.

In our interview, Jamie is explaining the potential dangers vapes pose to developing teens. Plus, we discuss the powerful marketing and deliberate spread of misinformation surrounding these devices, and how we can encourage teens to make educated choices before they pick a vape themselves.

Is Vaping Dangerous?

We know that cigarettes can cause cancer, emphysema and more…but do vapes do the same? Jamie explains that the parts of cigarettes that cause cancer are largely tied to the combustion process–in other words, lighting stuff on fire and inhaling the smoke! Vapes don’t need fire to operate, as they use electricity to heat up a nicotine fluid that can then be inhaled. This means they might not be as cancerous as cigarettes–but according to Jamie, the jury is still out on how dangerous vaping really is.

Part of the problem is a serious lack of information and regulation. Jamie explains that the FDA has yet to deliver a regulatory process for big vape brands like Juul–meaning that these products are flying off the shelves without being properly evaluated. E-cigarette companies have done remarkably little research on the effects of their products, says Jamie, simply testing them on employees on occasion instead of running consistent, sophisticated trials.

Some research suggests that vapes cause brain and lung damage, but we could definitely do with some more information on their effects, says Jamie. No matter what’s in them, they’re still designed to deliver nicotine, one of the world’s most addictive substances…and that alone is pretty concerning, Jamie believes. On a spectrum from inhaling clean air to inhaling the smoke from a cigarette, vaping falls somewhere in the middle, she says. The safest thing for kids to do in her opinion? Avoid nicotine products all together.

But it’s not always easy to keep kids from using E-cigarettes, especially because they’re designed and marketed to appeal to young adults! Jamie and I talk in our interview about how vape manufacturers are trying to get kids hooked on their products.

Marketing and Misinformation

Vapes were originally created to help smokers curb their cigarette addictions, but manufacturers found an unexpectedly massive market among teenagers who’ve never smoked cigarettes at all. When they discovered that this demographic could put money in their pockets, they began using young, millennial models to advertise their products, to make them seem cool and trendy, Jamie explains.

In the process, they totally neglected to mention that these devices existed to dispense nicotine, says Jamie. In fact, many young people believed they were just inhaling flavored water vapor! Nowadays, these products are required to reveal their nicotine content right on the box, on a sizable warning label. The few regulations the government has set up for proper labeling and education has had some effect, with rates of use dropping from 27% of high school students to 10% within a few years of requiring labels.

Although big vape companies require people to verify their age online or in stores before ordering the products, teens have said that there are plenty of ways around this obstacle. Some people buy the products in bulk and resell them to underage kids, and some teens even scam the Juul customer service department by using a serial number to claim a broken product and demand a replacement! However kids are doing it, they’re able to get these products pretty easily for an affordable price, says Jamie.

So…does this mean your teen is vaping? Jamie explains how we can strike up a conversation with teens to find out if they’re using e-cigarettes or to prevent them from ever starting.

How Can I Talk to My Teen About Vaping?

Unfortunately, it can be hard to spot any physical symptoms of regular vape use in teens, says Jamie. Unlike cigarettes, they don’t produce ash or a strong smell. Many times, parents begin to detect that teens become more distant or withdrawn, have mood swings and anxiety or seem to lose interest in things they care about, and that’s how they discover their teen has been vaping, explains Jamie. If your teen seems to be a little off, Jamie recommends opening up a conversation to find out if they might be using these products.

Whether or not a teen is actively vaping, Jamie encourages parents to strike up a conversation about e-cigarettes. She explains that teens today are often very conscious of mental, physical and environmental health, three things that vaping could potentially endanger! In her work, she’s found that teens tend to stay away from these devices when they become more educated and aware of what they really do.

She also recommends pointing out the way companies are marketing vapes directly to teens, as they typically don’t like being manipulated! When kids realize that these billion dollar corporations are attempting to take advantage of them, they start to realize they’re better off prioritizing their health over looking cool or keeping up with trends. In the episode, Jamie and I extend our conversation into discussing marijuana vapor products, and why these haven’t quite caught on the way that nicotine vapes have.

In the Episode.,..

Talking with Jamie was incredibly informative and thought provoking! Her wealth of knowledge surrounding e-cigarettes and the vaping industry is remarkably valuable to any parent looking for answers about how these devices are affecting teens. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How ...

Ep 189: Boys’ Hidden Body Issues May 08, 2022

Charlotte Markey joins us to discuss why market-driven media is toxic for teen body image, and how we can strike up important conversations about body positivity with our teens.

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Full show notes

For kids growing up in the social media age, comparison is a constant struggle. Teens are bombarded 24/7 by influencers who post pictures of their unrealistic lives and seemingly perfect bodies–making teens feel like they’ll never measure up. This can cause both young men and women to constantly scrutinize their appearance, to the point of developing eating disorders or facing serious damage to their mental health! Although body image may seem like an afterthought to some adults, it’s a seriously significant part of young people’s lives that can even yield potentially dangerous outcomes.

Luckily, there are some things we can do to protect teens from the pressure to have a perfect body–and it starts with communication in our homes. Normalizing talk about body issues can do wonders for teens, especially those who feel like they’re struggling with it all alone. If we can guide them to become more conscious and critical about what they see online, we can help them learn to love themselves and their bodies unconditionally!

To help us get the conversation started, we’re talking to Charlotte Markey, author of Being You: The Body Image Book for Boysand The Body Image Book for Girls: Love Yourself and Grow Up Fearless. Charlotte is a professor of psychology at Rutgers University and a leading expert on body image research. She’s studied everything from weight management to eating disorders, and is the perfect person to talk to about how we can encourage teen body positivity!

In our interview, Charlotte explains what body positivity truly feels like, and how we can encourage teens to strive for self-acceptance. Plus, we’re talking all about online influencers, and how teens can defend themselves against the damaging messages of a market-driven media.

The Path to Body Positivity

Before we can really talk about having a positive body image, we’ve got to get to the bottom of what “body image” really means, says Charlotte. She explains that it’s greater than just wanting to be fat or skinny, have the perfect chest or defined features. It’s a much more encompassing feeling that includes being active, happy, well-rested and mentally sound. It’s largely related to mental health, says Charlotte, and takes into account how we feel, not just how we look.

This means feeling more than just neutral about our bodies, Charlotte explains. Body neutrality is ok, she says, but the goal is for us to be happy in our own skin. If teens can learn to have unconditional love and acceptance for their bodies, they’ll be able to free themselves from constant body negativity. Instead, they can dedicate that energy to other things like educating themselves, nurturing their relationships, and helping those in need! In the episode, Charlotte emphasizes how this unconditional love starts with parents opening up the conversation about body image at home.

But how can we actually get teens talking about body positivity? In our interview, Charlotte and I dive into why teens often don’t like to discuss their bodies. This is especially true for young men, who are typically taught to be strong and hold in negative feelings. Not to mention that our kids are two years into a pandemic, meaning they haven’t exactly had the easiest time connecting with peers over anything–especially body size! Having this conversation is certainly necessary, but it won’t be easy, Charlotte says.

Don’t fear, however, because Charlotte is giving you some helpful tips for striking up this talk with your teens.

Creating a Conversation Around Body Image

So how can we start this critical conversation around body image when teens would rather lock themselves in their rooms? Charlotte recommends starting with being vulnerable yourself. Although we adults aren’t always on social media as much as kids, we’re still being affected everyday by online messaging! We might have our own issues with comparison, or feel anxious about the effects of aging on our bodies. If we can help kids understand that these concerns are totally normal, they might feel more comfortable opening up to talk about their own body.

Charlotte suggests asking lots of questions instead of giving kids a lecture. This can be especially useful if you notice a teen commenting on their own body or someone else’s. Prompting teens to explain their feelings further or think more critically about their comment might help them dig deeper and understand the origin of their judgements about the way bodies look! This can be a great first step to encouraging kids to challenge the things they see online.

Sometimes, kids just don’t want to listen to their parents. If this is the case for you and your kid, Charlotte suggests looping in another resource to get kids the help they need. If your teen is really struggling with body image issues, a trained counselor might be the best move. For teens who do better processing things on their own, there are some helpful websites that you can direct them to–or you can give them good old-fashioned books, like the ones Charlotte has published!

No matter how much work they do, kids are still going to be faced with the media saturated world they live in. But if we can develop an understanding about how these online forces affect teens' well-being, we can prevent social media from doing too much serious damage.

The Importance of Media Literacy

Although social media can be damaging, there are ways we can mitigate its effects on teens. The first step is to encourage teens to be more critical of what they see online. Teens need to know that the pictures of influencers on their Instagram feed are not only highly edited, but depict unrealistic bodies! Models and online personalities are usually paid to look good, meaning they put more time, money and effort into having the perfect image than the rest of us could likely ever manage!

When teens see these images, they start to immediately compare themselves to the person on the screen–and who could blame them? These apps are set up to run on the capitalization of beauty, explains Charlotte. When teens compare themselves, the app can sell them more beauty or fitness products. Cosmetic companies make money, the app makes money…but your teen is left feeling worse than ever. This market-driven social media ecosystem is definitely harmful for young minds and bodies, Charlotte explains.

Charlotte recommends reminding teens that they have the power to keep themselves from falling for this messaging. Our brains are hard-wired to compare us to others, but ultimately, we’re in control–meaning it doesn’t have to happen! Teens can unfollow those who make them feel bad, or choose to follow others who make them feel more comfortable in their own skin. Charlotte explains that this can sometimes be hard for kids to do, but with some encouragement, they’re more likely to take these steps towards a positive body image.

In the Episode…

It was eye-opening t...

Ep 188: Tuning In to Our Teens (and Ourselves!) May 01, 2022

Neuroscientists Ted Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra share tips for finding harmony and connection with our teens and with ourselves. We discuss attunement, meditation, conflict resolution and more!

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Full show notes

The hectic life of parenthood can make it hard to take care of your body and mind! When you’re waking up at 5 AM, trying to prep lunch for everyone before dropping them off and barely making it to work on time, running home to make dinner and still squeezing in time to help with homework, you can start to feel a little disconnected from yourself. Taking care of your family is so essential…but what about self care?

If we’re not putting aside time for self-restoration, we end up taking our stress out on our kids! We become reactive instead of communicative, yelling instead of listening. We want to be the most patient, level-headed parents we can be, but we can’t do that unless we take care of ourselves! If we’re practicing mindfulness in our own lives, we’ll not only become more connected to ourselves, but also to our kids.

We’re joined this week by Ted Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra, authors of Missing Each Other: How to Create Meaningful Connections. Ted is an associate professor of psychiatry at the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania, as well as the founder and director of the Adult Autism Spectrum Program at Penn Medicine. Ashley is a therapist and neuroscience researcher currently pursuing a Ph.D. in clinical psychology at the Catholic University of America. Together, they are dedicated and passionate researchers of human social and emotional behavior.

In the episode, Ted and Ashley are defining the term “attunement”, and how parents can practice it to benefit themselves and their families. Plus, we’re discussing how we can become better communicators, forge stronger connections and work through conflicts with our teens!

Self-Reflecting and Reconnecting

In order to create harmony with ourselves and others, Ted and Ashley believe we should strive for what they call “attunement”. This state of being requires being deeply aware of our own emotions and physical senses as well as the feelings of others. It’s a combination of being relaxed and calm as well as alert to our surroundings! Ted explains that we all have a natural sense of attunement as babies that gets lost over time as a result of the stresses of everyday life. If we can work on shedding that stress, we can move closer to attunement, says Ted.

Ted and Ashley describe a process called interoceptive awareness that can help you reach a sense of attunement with yourself. To do this, Ashley explains that you’ve got to listen to your own internal processes. When you and your teen are in the heat of an argument, is your heart racing? Are your shoulders tense? Asking yourself these questions is the first step of self awareness, says Ashley, and can keep you from being reactive when triggered. Developing an understanding of how your mind and body respond to stress can help you manage it better and stay calm when things get intense.

In the episode, the three of us talk about various different ways parents or teens can destress to reach attunement. Ted and Ashley describe different kinds of meditation, explaining everything from standing meditation to meditating with others in a community! They also recommend taking a little bit of time on a regular basis to practice physical de-stressing techniques, like releasing tension from your shoulders. This can be good preparation to prevent physical stress when you’re in a triggering situation later down the line.

After we’ve reached attunement for ourselves, we can strive for attunement with others. Ted, Ashley and I dive into how mindfulness can strengthen our relationships!

Creating Stronger Connections

Attunement is a powerful part of interacting with others. When we’re attune to people’s emotions, physical state and mental wellbeing, we can be better teammates, colleagues, partners and parents. Ashley explains that even though our generation has the power to forge connections online, we’re less synced up than ever before. The important nuances of nonverbal communication can only be experienced in person, says Ashley, not through the phone screen!

The next time you’re having a conversation with someone, Ted and Ashley suggest trying to sense their physical and emotional state. By understanding where the other person is at, we can create better communication and connection. When it comes to teens, It’s especially important to pay attention to subtext, and sense what they’re really saying under the surface! Even when they’re lashing out at you or seem to be deliberately striving to push your buttons, they may be experiencing a deeper sense of frustration about their lack of independence or upset about something that has nothing to do with you!

Sometimes, we can find our relationships strained for a while, without a clear path to reconnection. But this doesn’t mean that things can’t be patched up, says Ashley. She explains that rekindling starts with self forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and the relationship. Natural connection ebbs and flows with the rhythm of life, she says, and these moments of negativity or loss of connection can actually help us gain some perspective on the relationship.

When teens are driving us up the wall over and over again, it's hard to feel connected to them at all! But attempting to find attunement with our teens might just help us end the cycle of conflict and restore peace.

Restoring Harmony In Our Home

Using attunement to identify and prevent the progression of negative patterns is one of the best ways to heal your relationship with your teen, says Ted. When our minds become accustomed to the cycle of a power struggle, it becomes a habit, behaving like a domino effect to create conflict over and over between us and teens. If we’re aware of how the cycle starts, we can deliberately break the usual chain of events, and instead usher in a new way of communicating and solving conflicts.

In the episode, Ted and Ashley talk about how parents can put their own agendas aside to meet teens where they are. For example, teens tend to want more autonomy, and they grasp for this by resisting your rules and insisting they go to that party past curfew. And while it's tempting to assert your authority and just say no, Ted and Ashley suggest really striving to reach attunement with teens and understand why exactly it is they want to attend this party. Showing them you understand their growing independence and making a compromise is a great way to start rekindling a connection and end a cycle of defiance.

If a talk with a teen is getting really heated, Ted and Ashley suggest taking a minute to pause and practice those de-stressing techniques to get in tune with yourself, before checking back in with teens. It’s like an oxygen mask on an airplane, says Ashley–sometimes you have to take a second to set yourself straight before you can really help a teen. We’re capable of having fluid, productive communication with teens–if we’re able to set aside reactivity and anxiety, expand our emotional capacity, and make time to work towards reconnection.

In the Episode…

It...

Ep 187: Essential Skills for Successful Teens Apr 24, 2022

Mark Herschberg joins us to talk about the kinds of skills they don’t teach in school, like negotiation, planning, compromise and collaboration! We’re discussing how teens can develop these skills to find career success.

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Full show notes

What makes a person successful in the real world? Is it their technical knowledge, their accounting abilities, or anything else they might learn in school?

While these qualifications are important, there are other skills which are just as essential to personal and professional success: things like teamwork, negotiating, and planning! Without these abilities, your teen could be the greatest math whiz of all time…but find themselves unable to communicate or collaborate enough to bring their innovations into the world.

If kids aren’t learning skills like this in school, how can we teach them to be strategic and savvy adults? Turns out, we as parents can set examples about compromise and negotiation that kids take with them into adult life! With the right conversations, we can encourage them to become leaders, developing the confidence and collaborative abilities they’ll need to cultivate the career of their dreams.

To understand how we can set up our kids for success, we’re talking to Mark Herschberg, author of The Career Toolkit: Essential Skills for Success That No One Taught You. Originally an engineer and chief technology officer, Mark has spent much of his career launching and developing new ventures at startups, fortune 500s and academia! His MIT Undergraduate Practice Opportunities Program is often referred to as MIT’s “career success accelerator”. Mark is the perfect person to tell us exactly how teens can thrive in the professional world!

In our interview, Mark and I are discussing some of the most important qualities teens need to find success, and how they can cultivate these abilities. We’re also talking about how teens can take notes on their failures or success to inform their future endeavors, and how parents can become better negotiators to reach compromises with teens–without either side sacrificing their interests.

Essential Skills for Successful Teens

As Mark was navigating his own career as a young adult, he found that there were certain skills that were necessary for success–skills he didn’t learn in class. These abilities were not only desirable to those striving to be leaders, but to anyone with goals and dreams within the professional world! Mark realized that if he could cultivate skills like confidence, collaboration and teamwork, he’d be able to launch his career in a major way.

In the episode, Mark uses the ability to negotiate as an example. When our teens find themselves at their first professional job, they may simply settle for whatever salary they are initially offered. But if they attempt to negotiate, there could be some seriously awesome benefits, says Mark. Even if they just negotiate an extra thousand dollars annually, they could rack up forty thousand over forty years ... .or, more importantly, learn a lesson about how to negotiate, making them a bit better at it for when they’re hired the next time!

Mark explains that essential skills like these are not taught in high school or college. Instead, they’re discovered either by simply doing or through peer learning. If you want your teen to get a head start, Mark suggests creating a peer group to foster peer learning. In this community of young people, teens can dissect a book, podcast, or video centering on self-improvement every week. By speaking and listening to one another, they’ll gain perspective about how to change their own lives, and learn things they may have otherwise overlooked!

Another way Mark believes kids can learn is by self-reflection. Examining our past success can help us be successful again in the future–and the same goes for avoiding failures!

The Power of Self Reflection

In his experiences working in tech, Mark has often found that projects tend to go off the rails, leading those involved to complete a “post mortem” and find out just what happened. In these situations, collaborators realize that things started to go badly only a few weeks in, but no one stopped to reflect long enough to do anything about it. This causes a lack of communication, only for the whole project to go up in flames.

Mark recommends that we encourage teens to practice self reflection as they go through life, so that they don’t end up in this situation! For a teen routinely struggling to score well on the SAT, looking at the specific sections that challenged them and engaging in focused practice might allow them to improve the next time around. He explains that systems like the military and medical science often do this, calling it an “after access report.” If teens and parents can do this in their own lives, Mark believes they’ll cultivate a greater rate of success!

When a failed project is collaborative, it’s human nature to point fingers and assign blame for why things went wrong. If only our coworker wasn’t so incompetent, everything would have been fine! But Mark points out that although this is a common human tendency, sometimes we have to realize that there might be other reasons why they never responded to our email or turned in their report on time, like a sick family member, or a miscommunication! If teens are going to be successful in their careers, they’ll have to learn to be flexible when working with others.

When it comes to communication and collaboration, compromise is essential! In the episode, Mark is sharing how we can be better at compromising with teens without sacrificing what we want…while also showing them through example how to work well with others!

Why Compromise is Critical

As parents, we tend to dig in our heels and take a strong position–teens can’t have a phone until they’re a certain age, can’t go to the party they so desperately want to attend, can’t stay out past midnight. And when teens argue, it’s so tempting to throw them a “because I said so” But this isn’t going to set a very good example, says Mark. When kids enter the professional world, “because I said so” isn’t exactly the best way to communicate their intentions! Plus, it will only frustrate teens as it makes us seem like we’re just bossy and care more about control than teens happiness!

To set a better example and get teens to actually listen, Mark suggests expressing your intentions instead of taking a position right away. If you communicate what you want and your teen does the same, the two of you might be able to find a middle ground that works for both of you…as well as reach a greater understanding about what the other person is striving for! If you want your kid home before you go to bed but they want to stay out extra late, extending curfew by an hour could help both of you achieve your goals! Mark explains that compromises like this one are much more effective than “because I said so.”

In the episode, Mark talks about how parents can set a good example by making compromises. Good examples and role models can be an incredible way for teens to start developing important skills like teamwork and communication by seeing them in someone else! Mark suggests that teens take a clo...

Ep 186: Empowering Our Daughters Apr 17, 2022

Jo Wimble Groves, author of Rise of the Girl, shines light on how we can encourage teen girls to chase their dreams. Plus, she shares how to help all teens to find their passions, take risks and learn from failure—no matter their gender.

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Our hope is that kids will shoot for the stars, dream big, and believe they can do anything they put their mind to. We encourage them to be ambitious, hardworking, and self assured. But sometimes, even when we act as their biggest cheerleaders, teenagers–especially teenage girls–can struggle with confidence! Kids are up against a lot these days, and young women face extra barriers despite years of fighting for equality.

In many ways, these barriers are subtle, small forces within our culture. They aren’t written into our laws or taught in school curriculum, but they’re working against the ability of our teen girls to grow into the powerful individuals they were destined to be. It’s in the way adults tell young girls to be quiet and polite while letting boys run wild, or how we might comment a little more on the way our daughters look than our sons. But it doesn't have to be that way! If we can learn to inspire our girls instead of inhibiting them, we can encourage all our teens to follow their dreams.

This week, we’re joined by Jo Wimble Groves, author ofRise of the Girl: Seven Empowering Conversations To Have With Your Daughter. On top of being a mom of three, Jo is also a successful tech entrepreneur as the co-owner of the global mobile communications company Active Digital. As she climbed the ladder to success, Jo felt that she didn’t always have the right role models or encouragement. Now, her goal is for today’s teens to feel like they can do anything they aspire to do, no matter their gender.

In our interview, Jo and I are discussing why we still have to fight for our daughters to have an equal chance at success! We’re also talking about how you can help any teenager find their passion, and how we can encourage teens to be comfortable with failure while on the road to figuring out their life’s purpose.

Why Our Girls Need a Confidence Boost

Teen girls today aren’t always encouraged to be the confident, outspoken people we know they can be–and it shows. In the episode, Jo and I talk about how boys are willing to raise their hand in class, even when they’re only sixty percent sure they know what they’re talking about. Meanwhile, on average, girls won’t raise their hands at all unless they are 100% they have the answer–and even then they’re reluctant! Girls often feel an overwhelming pressure to be perfect, or have a fear of judgment so powerful that they stay quiet, says Jo.

Jo explains that this might be due to our tendency to encourage young women to be “good girls”. While we often tell boys to run free and play, we’re more cautious with letting our daughters do the same thing. We might view them as more fragile or naive, praise them for being quiet and unobtrusive. And while it’s important to protect and praise our kids, Jo believes that the way we speak to our daughters might be doing more harm than good.

As kids grow older, this double standard often doesn’t change. Girls are told to be careful what they post online, how they dress, and how or express themselves, because we fear they’ll send the wrong message to predatory men or boys. But we often don’t have conversations with young men about how to be respectful towards women, says Jo. If we want to work towards a more equal and just society, we have to have conversations with young men too. In the episode, Jo and I talk about how we can have these kinds of talks with our sons.

Whether we’re talking to our sons or our daughters, we hope to guide them to not only impart values, but also help them find their passion.

Helping Teens Find their Spark

Jo is an incredibly successful business woman, but before entering the professional world, she often struggled in school. For a long time, Jo felt that perhaps she lacked intelligence…but eventually discovered that her brilliance lay outside of academics! Every teen has something they’re naturally talented at, but it might not always be obvious right away. That’s why Jo encourages parents to sign their kids up for anything and everything.

In our interview, Jo and I talk about how the teenage years are a time to explore and experiment! The stakes are pretty low, and if a teen doesn’t like something, they can easily try something else instead! If teens are lucky, all this experimenting will lead them to find what Jo describes as a “spark”: something that they love, that excites them endlessly and propels them into making the world a better place. Jo stresses that if we don’t encourage our teens, especially our daughters, to take risks, they may never find this spark!

When kids are in the process of discovering what they’re meant to do, they tend to quit a lot of things. It can be frustrating when they commit to the swim team for the whole year and even drag you to the store to buy a new racing swimsuit…but then suddenly don’t want to go to practices. However, if teens are forced to keep doing something they don’t love, it might be holding them back from discovering what they do love. As Jo says in the episode, putting this kind of pressure makes teens “dreadfully unhappy”, and can put some serious strain on your relationship.

For teens and parents still figuring it all out, there’s bound to be some failure along the way. However, Jo and I talk about how failure is one of the best ways to get to success!

How Failure Leads to Progress

In our interview, Jo shares an interesting idea about how we can address failure in a productive way. When kids are trying over and over again to get something right, they might get frustrated. But Jo suggests we frame their fumbled attempts not as one-off failures, but as steps in the right direction! Instead of telling them they’ve gotten it wrong, Jo says, we should suggest that they just haven't gotten it right yet. This helps them see why they shouldn’t give up after being met with obstacles, but instead persevere until they get the result they desire!

Jo explains that this can be shown through example, with parents being vulnerable enough to show kids that they too, make mistakes. It’s not always easy, especially when we're trying to be the perfect parent–but the perfect parent doesn’t exist, says Jo. Showing kids that we can bounce back when we get knocked down can be a totally critical part of teaching them the skills to survive life. Plus, putting up a flawless facade isn’t going to make you a better parent, says Jo…..it’ll just make you more stressed out!

For young women, this kind of encouragement can be especially important. Women are constantly faced with the challenge of smashing stereotypes in male-dominated subjects and activities–meaning they’re expected never to mess up! If we can help them see the value in failing as a part of the road to success, they might feel more comfortable trying new things, messing up and improving until they’re prospering at their passion.

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Ep 185: Leaving Home Without Losing Their Roots Apr 10, 2022

Jennifer Morton, author of Moving Up Without Losing Your Way, joins us to discuss how young adults’ identities change as they leave the nest and find new communities beyond their hometowns.

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When kids leave home, they embark on an entirely new adventure. New friends, mentors, classes and jobs can help them develop different perspectives and ideas. And while we want our kids to grow and change, it can be disorienting when they suddenly come home with a new hair color or completely different college major! It’s especially jolting when they seem to have new opinions and values beyond the ones you raised them with.

So how can we help teens stay connected to their roots, even after they leave the nest? It’s no easy task. When teens leave home for a totally new environment, they might not fit in right away…leading them to change their wardrobe, behavior and even their beliefs. For some, the approaching professional world might force them to conceal their real selves to get ahead. Every teen has an unpredictable journey to adulthood, and there’s bound to be some identity conflict as a result.

To help kids grow into successful adults without forgetting where they came from, we’re talking to Jennifer Morton, author of Moving Up Without Losing Your Way: The Ethical Costs of Upward Mobility. Jennifer has worked as a professor of philosophy everywhere from Penn state to the City College of New York–meaning she’s worked with students from all kinds of backgrounds. Over time, she began to notice that those from lower income households tended to struggle with the social and cultural expectations of college, inspiring her to think critically about how young adults change as they leave home.

In our interview, we’re defining the term “code-switching”, and how young adults often use this technique when they feel pressured to fit in. Plus, we’re discussing why entitlement can actually be a good thing, and how we can start having tough conversations with our teens about the real world while they’re still under our roof.

Code-Switching: What it is and Why it Matters

For teens being catapulted into higher education or the professional world, it can be hard to hang on to their identity! They might find themselves talking differently, dressing differently, hiding where they’re from or what their interests are. This process of purposely changing the way one presents themselves is called code-switching, says Jennifer. And although it can often be seen as inauthentic, she believes that this technique can actually be pretty useful.

When we’re trying to get ahead, we tweak things about ourselves, like wearing a nice suit to a meeting instead of our favorite jeans. But this doesn’t make us inauthentic, says Jennifer. It just means we know how to present ourselves in a way that prompts others to take us more seriously. When teens ditch their hometown slang for more professional language, they aren’t necessarily concealing their identity–just editing it for context!

However, if teens are constantly changing their personality to fit in, it can be hard to draw a line between what’s real and what’s manufactured, Jennifer says. To make sure teens aren’t overdoing it, she suggests prompting them to think about their core values before code-switching. If they feel that changing their hair or accent is disrespectful to their own culture or community, Jennifer encourages teens to refrain from doing so! Holding on to this sense of a core identity is one of the ways teens can stay in touch with their roots.

Entering the real world often means that teens have to start speaking up about what they want or need. For some, expressing their concerns is nothing new. For others, it’s a serious challenge. In our interview, Jennifer and I are discussing the idea of entitlement, and why socio-economic background tends to affect how entitled our kids can be.

Is Your Teen Entitled?

When Jennifer began working at a prestigious private university, she noticed that many of the students felt very comfortable speaking up in class or even coming to her office with concerns. When she compared this to her experience at the city college, she noticed that public school students from low income households behaved in the opposite way–nervous to raise their hand or confront authority. What Jennifer discovered was a difference in entitlement between individuals from different backgrounds.

As time went on, Jennifer began to see how a lack of entitlement can actually hurt students. Those who came from less-wealthy families didn’t feel empowered to take control of their own education…because they often grew up without the privileges of small class sizes or personal tutors. Jennifer realized that these students needed to gain a little more entitlement! Not so much entitlement that they behave rudely or expect the impossible, but enough so that they felt their voice matters within their own education.

So how can we help our teens develop a healthy sense of entitlement? Jennifer explains that within a school context, it can be beneficial to have kids create a relationship with the educator. If the teacher knows a teen isn’t always the most confident in class, they can keep an extra eye out for your teen’s hand when asking questions, says Jennifer. She also encourages parents to remind kids of all backgrounds that they’re allowed to speak up when they feel something isn’t right!

All of this real-world stuff can be a little overwhelming for teens taking their first steps into adulthood. In the episode, Jennifer and I discuss how you can start having conversations with your teen about impending adulthood so it doesn’t hit them like a brick!

Talking to Kids About the Future

When we’re helping kids plan a life for themselves, it can be easy to just emphasize the positive parts. We don’t want to freak them out too much, so we might gloss over the pains of searching for jobs or finding apartments. But Jennifer warns us against this! If we don’t prepare kids for the challenges they’ll face, they may think that they’re to blame for the difficulties they’re experiencing. Jennifer encourages us to have trust that our kids will be able to competently face life’s curveballs .

Teens are going to transform as they grow into adults, and even if it’s hard to watch, it’s not a bad thing, says Jennifer. Parents who try to stop kids from evolving will only drive a wedge between themselves and their kids, Jennifer explains. If parents can validate kids’ feelings and at least attempt to understand the choices teens are making for themselves, Jennifer believes parents can maintain a strong bond with their kids as they grow into adulthood.

Once kids do leave, they may come to you with complaints–they suddenly hate the roommate you always knew was bad news, or they can’t find a job with the arts degree they begged you to pay for. And while it’s tempting to just tell them “you’ll get over it” or “I told you so”, Jennifer recommends practicing a little empathy and patience. If we can support teens emotionally through all their growing pains, we can maintain a relationship with them while they’re still figuring it all out!

In the Episode…
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Ep 184: The Overlooked Influences on Teens Apr 03, 2022

Fiona Murden, author of Mirror Thinking, explains the overlooked influences on teenager’s behavior and character development. We’ll discuss which adult role models matter, which are largely ignored, and peer and celebrity influence.

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We know teens need role models…but what does that mean exactly? Are we as parents supposed to provide a perfect example? Are these role models supposed to be teachers or coaches? What about celebrities? It’s not easy to ensure teens have the right heroes to look up to–and social media doesn’t help. In our digital world, it’s tricky to tell if teens are following positive role models online or just obsessing over seemingly perfect Instagram influencers.

As hard as they are to find, good role models can be critical for growing teens. They provide young people with a metaphorical mirror, encouraging certain behaviors and discouraging others. With the help of role models, teens can find career success, improve their physical and mental health, and gain a deeper understanding of their place within the world. But without these examples to follow, our teens might just find themselves lost!

This week, we’re talking all about role models, and how teens can find them in today’s world. Joining us is Fiona Murden, author of Mirror Thinking: How Role Models Make Us Human. Fiona’s been a psychologist for over twenty years! She also works as a public speaker and consultant across business, health care, sports, and politics. Fiona has spent much of her life working with leaders within organizations, leading her to wonder…how do leaders and role models affect those in their sphere of influence?

In our interview, Fiona reveals how much of an influence parents really have over teens. She’s also explaining how parents can destress in order to become better role models, and why social media is damaging teens’ self-awareness.

Parental Mirroring and Mental Models

Parents aren't perfect…but that doesn’t mean they aren’t role models. In fact, parents are a lot more influential in teens' lives than we tend to think! When asked to name their role models, teens are more likely to list their parents then their friends, teachers or coaches, says Fiona. And the research shows that it’s true! Even though your kids might not listen to your opinions on what movies to like or what clothes to wear, teens have been shown to look to parents for cues about career, social nuances and values.

A lot of parental influence stems from the way parents behave…not what they say! Kids often unconsciously observe things that parents do, and then, without conscious thought, mark those behaviors as socially acceptable, explains Fiona. For example, if a parent tends to solve conflict by raising their voice, a teen’s unconscious mind will pick it up and replicate it. Fiona refers to this unconscious assumption as a “mental model.” Even if parents warn kids to “do as they say and not as they do”, parental behavior can be incredibly significant to teens as they grow up!

But what if teens are conscious of their parents’ behavior, and actively choose not to practice the same habits? Fiona explains that this is called “counter-mirroring.” Although it can be a helpful way for teens to avoid replicating unsavory parental behavior, it can also backfire, says Fiona. Sometimes, teens are so afraid of being like their parents, that they stray too far in the other direction. And oftentimes, teens tend to practice the same behavior as parents anyway–and then feel guilty about it later!

In the episode, Fiona and I discuss the idea of mirroring further, and how we can use it to set the best possible example for our teens. But sometimes, parents are stressed, frustrated, or distracted, leading them to be less than stellar role models. How can we as parents de-stress to become better influences on teens?

How Self Care Sets an Example

For parents trying to balance working, cooking dinner, paying bills and raising kids, stress is pretty inevitable! Parenting is one of life’s most challenging endeavors–of course parents are going to find themselves at the end of their rope. And like anyone else, when parents get stressed, they don’t always practice model behavior….but kids are still watching and taking cues about how to behave! If you want to set a positive example for your teens, it starts by taking care of yourself, says Fiona.

When we’re stressed out, we tend to be more directive, telling kids what to do and how to do it, Fiona explains. Instead, we should strive for non-directive parenting: listening, reflecting, and asking kids what they think is best. Fiona explains that non-directive parents often have more influence. Plus, non-directive parenting requires modeling the ability to patiently listen–something teens are certain to pick up on and unconsciously replicate. But non-directive parenting is only possible if we’re able to de-stress.

So if we want to be the best role models possible, we’ve got to relax! Fiona suggests making a plan ahead of time for when you inevitably find yourself stressed out. At the beginning of the pandemic, Fiona worked with ICU doctors to do this same thing. She prompted them to make a plan for who to confide in and how to de-stress when things become overwhelming. And although many of them found it silly at first, they reported back later that it was incredibly helpful! If there are a few small ways you can reduce stress in your daily life, it can do wonders for both you and your family.

Even if teens are able to look to parents as role models, they’ll also eventually turn to sources outside of the home for direction. Nowadays, more and more kids are logging onto social media in search of examples for how to act and behave. But is this a good thing? Fiona and I are discussing this in our interview!

Are Influencers a Good Influence?

When we were growing up, we may have turned to a famous author or popular activist as a role model. But we only had a few to choose from–kids these days are bombarded with hundreds of different people online who are vying for their attention. Instead of one cohesive role model, teens might have dozens of people with conflicting viewpoints that they’re attempting to look up to. This can be pretty disorienting and confusing, leaving teens with a sense that their values and ambitions are scattered.

Fiona suggests sitting your teen down for a conversation about who these influencers really are. Where are they from? How did they gain a following? What makes your teen admire them? Questions like these encourage teens to think critically about the people on their screens. Fiona reminds us that influencers often portray their own lives as perfect, and dissecting their profiles to gain deeper understanding can help prevent teens from being tricked by the illusion of perfection online.

For teens to really develop their own values, they need time to reflect, says Fiona. Unfortunately, social media is making it harder and harder for kids to reflect these days. Teens are on their phones for nearly seven hours a day, using any moment of downtime to pick up their phones and start scrolling. This means that teens don’t always make time to stop and ask the big questions. In the episode, Fiona and I talk about how teens can take more time to reflect, and figure out who they truly are!

Ep 183: So Your Teen Wants to Be an Artist… Mar 27, 2022

Magnus Resch, author of How to Become a Successful Artist, reveals the key to succeeding in the art world, and explains how your teen can get a head start on making all the right connections.

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There’s nothing we want more than to see our teens to grow up happy and successful….with stable careers! So when they mention they might want to pursue acting or painting or playing the trombone, we can start to get a little nervous. While we love that they have a creative side, we know that a life in the arts is anything but consistent. If they could only see the benefits of a degree in engineering or business, they’d understand that the artistic struggle might not be as fulfilling as they think.

But alas, they won’t listen! Teens are stubborn, and will likely maintain that they are destined for the artist lifestyle. So what can we do to help them find the success they’ll need to stay afloat? Is a fancy degree from a prestigious art program their ticket to the top? Or is there some kind of magic secret that all the iconic superstar artists are in on?

This week, we’re tackling these questions and more with Magnus Resch, author of How to Become a Successful Artist. Magnus is an art market economist who studied at Harvard and the London School of Economics. He’s a successful entrepreneur, as well as the bestselling author of six books about the art market–plus, a professor of art management, teaching at Yale and Columbia! After conducting research on half a million contemporary working artists, Magnus has discovered the secret to a successful art career, and he’s here today to share it with us!

In our interview, we’re discussing just how essential the networking process is for young artists making a name for themselves. We’re also covering why teens need to create a strong artist’s statement, and what a career in the arts might realistically look like for teens dreaming of glory.

Why Networking is Absolutely Necessary

When Magnus was researching the key to artistic success, he paid particular attention to which galleries were associated with the most prestigious artists. He found that to garner acclaim in the art world, artists had to be able to get into a small, concentrated group of popular galleries. If not, they aren’t likely to reach the level of recognition it takes to have lasting financial and critical success–meaning they end up becoming art teachers or settle for doing art in their free time while having a different full time job.

In order to gain entry to this exclusive world of popular galleries, Magnus emphasized the absolutely critical nature of networking. If teens can get to know people on the inside, they might just be able to break in and carve out a place for themselves amongst these thriving artists. Magus and I talk a lot in the episode about how teens can use tools like Instagram to reach out to gallery owners, curators, buyers and museum directors. Teens can create an impressive portfolio of their work on their social media accounts–that way, when they reach out to others, their artwork is readily available!

This networking is the difference between those who prosper in the art world, and those who falter. Once you can get into these galleries, you’ll be successful for life…but if you don’t find yourself exhibited at these places early in your career, you’re likely to flop. And although Magnus talks about physical art like painting or sculpting, the same principles can apply to music, filmmaking, or the literary world. Without the right connections and early success, it can be pretty difficult to curate a career in the arts!

In our interview, Magnus describes the career trajectory of multiple acclaimed young artists and how they used social media to propel themselves into a prosperous career. One thing that can help is having a succinct, powerful artist’s statement.

Creating a Strong Artist's Statement

For teens networking online or creating social media portfolios, a lot can be gained by creating a mission statement. A detailed but easy-to-read description of their influences, inspirations, aesthetics and goals can be helpful for anyone scrolling through who wants to learn more about who the artist is! In our interview, Magnus shells out some helpful tips for crafting a statement that not only captures the artist’s essence, but hooks the reader’s interest.

Magnus explains that this statement is like a resume, but one or two descriptive paragraphs. It describes the artist's passion, their experiences, and ambitions! It’s your teen’s chance to tell the world what drives them to take on the challenge of becoming a successful artist, says Magnus. He suggests that teens explain the emotional side of their work, and give it detailed context. That’s what buyers, curators and other arts professionals remember and what makes them excited to work with young artists!

Although it’s tempting to sound fancy in this statement, Magnus recommends straying away from words that are too complicated or confusing. Keeping things simple makes the mission statement accessible to anyone who might be reading. The mission statement serves as an elevator pitch–and the last thing teens want is to alienate people who could potentially put their career on track! In our interview, Magnus and I talk more about how these statements can work seamlessly with a well-curated social media profile.

Even when we’ve imprinted the value of networking and self-promotion into teens’ brains, it can still be nerve-wracking to watch them dive into a career in the arts with no safety net! To help us understand what their future might look like, Magnus is mapping out what kind of experiences teens can expect to have as they make their way in the art world.

A Timeline for Creative Teens

So your teen has decided to go to art school. They walk across the stage and get that diploma, with a portfolio of work now in their back pocket…but what next? Magnus outlines potential phases for budding artists. The first is the “shopping” phase. This is when teens are fresh out of school, talking to different galleries, figuring out their place in the professional world. Magnus explains that this is when that networking is going to be essential. In our interview, we discuss how many of the skills needed during this period aren’t actually taught in art school!

When young artists have been in the scene for five or ten years, Magnus explains that they reach a critical juncture that defines whether or not they’ll be able to find further success. If they’re being exhibited by the most prestigious galleries or performing at well-known venues, they’re likely to continue being successful and financially stable. If not, this is when artists begin phasing out of a professional art career, instead finding work teaching or bartending and doing their own artwork on the side.

Even if artists are exhibiting their work on a regular basis, it usually has to be within the most exclusive and pretentious places and communities–or it won’t really make a difference. Smaller, less acclaimed galleries or agents represent so many clients that young artists can rarely make their own footprint and gain financial stability. In our interview, Magnus and I discuss how this system is re...

Ep 182: Tips for Tackling “The Talk” Mar 20, 2022

Andrea Brand, author of Stop Sweating & Start Talking, shine slight on why sex talks are so essential, and what we can do to make them less awkward.

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For centuries, parents all over the world have been plagued by the sex talk. How could we possibly cover all the intricacies and complications of fornication with our teens? And even if we’re able to sit teens down for “the talk”, they aren’t exactly excited to get into an awkward discussion about the birds and the bees. As soon as you start talking about body parts, teens run the other way or cover their ears.…and you’re left wondering if the two of you will ever be able to talk to about sex!

As difficult as it is to have these discussions, they are essential to teens' physical and mental health. Kids are going to be interested in sex regardless, and if they dont learn about it from you, they’ll turn to the internet. And while the web can have some educational info, it also houses plenty of dark and disturbing content that can lead kids to develop harmful ideas about consent and sexual violence. If we want to help kids form a healthy relationship to their sexuality, we’ve got to step in sooner rather than later…. and have that dreaded sex talk.

To get some much-needed advice on navigating “the talk” , we’re sitting down with Andrea Brand, author of Stop Sweating & Start Talking: How to Make Sex Chats with Your Kids Easier Than You Think. Andrea has decades of experience working in public health and as a research consultant, and now has a career as a sex educator! Today, she’s giving us some innovative tips for making “the talk” less painful and more effective!

In our interview, we’re getting into why it’s so essential to have these talks…and why it’s so dang hard! Plus, Andrea tells us how we can form community groups for teens to learn about sexuality, and what we can do to ensure a sex talk goes smoothly.

Why Sex Chats Are So Stigmatized

If things were ideal, kids would get a decent sexual education at school–but that’s not what’s happening, says Andrea. Although federal U.S. guidelines suggest that schools have sex education programs, only thirty states actually require sex ed to be taught–and only fifteen states require these classes to be medically accurate! And even the schools who do pay attention to medical facts often have a curriculum that’s out of date, with no regard for current research, Andrea explains.

`So we can’t rely on schools to give our kids comprehensive info about sexuality…where are they going to get the education they need? Andrea explains that if we don’t want these lessons to come from random internet searches, they’ll have to come from parents. By surveying parents from all over, Andrea found that most want to have these talks, but are too embarrassed! Andrea explains that a lot of this is generational–if our parents were too uncomfortable talking to us about sex, we often feel uneasy about discussing it with our own kids.

In the episode, Andrea and I talk about how we can break this generational cycle. If we can work up the confidence to have these conversations, it can be a great way to share values with our kids. Sex talks include discussions about consent, relationships, and self esteem–all of which are important to talk about even independent of intercourse! Andrea encourages parents to consider their own values, and how they can pass these on to kids who are still forming ideas about what sexual relationships look like.

Having one-on-one conversations can be incredibly valuable, but talking in groups can be helpful as well! In the episode, Andrea and I explain how you can get your teen involved in a community sex education group.

The Power of Peer Support

Andrea believes that talking to others in the same age group can be a transformative way for teens to learn about sex! This kind of community, formed around sex and body discussions, isn’t particularly common–but Andrea says it can be remarkably powerful. These kinds of groups can be part of a wider organization, like the regional “OWL” program of the Unitarian Universalist church. They can also be found online or, as Andrea recommends, you can form your own!

Now, starting a group for teens to discuss sexuality doesn’t sound easy. But after forming one herself, Andrea believes anyone can do it! She explains that with an informal setting and some basic resources, these groups can be formed without too much of a challenge. If you want to find success, Andrea suggests being deliberate about who is in the group–hers contains teens who already knew one another, none of whom are her own children!

Although the group began was formed to discuss sex, it soon grew beyond that. Andrea explains that the group expanded to talk about the many challenges of adolescent life–from school and overbearing parents, to body image and worries about the future. By participating as though she was just another member of the group, Andrea was able to forge trust among everyone involved, and create a safe space to discuss anything and everything.

Whether it’s one-on-one or in a group, a lot can happen over the course of the conversation about the birds and the bees. Andrea provides some pointers for handling the tricky discussion.

Tips for Tackling “The Talk”

To really provide proper sex education to kids, Andrea recommends having many talks over the course of your kid’s life. Instead of one long conversation, short, casual discussions can feel a lot more accessible to a teen. The earlier you can start, the better, says Andrea. She recommends starting as soon as kids develop basic language skills–although it’s never too late! The conversation could come from anywhere, whether it’s a scene in a TV show or a lyric in a song on the radio.

One way to ensure that teens are up to maintaining this dialogue is by not being too reactive, says Andrea. If you freak out or make a teen feel ashamed of their questions, they aren’t likely to come to you again for advice. If a teen says something that triggers you, Andrea recommends taking some time away from the conversation so that you don’t lose your cool. As long as you circle back to the topic eventually, it’s better to pause and process than explode and violate teens’ trust.

Andrea suggests letting kids know upfront when a topic is challenging for you. By being open and vulnerable, you’re allowing them to do the same, she explains. Kids might have opinions about sex that are different from yours, but Andrea believes that disagreement can be a good thing. If you can have open communication despite differing viewpoints, you can broaden each other’s perspectives while teaching kids that it’s ok to respectfully disagree with someone.

In the Episode….

It was so enlightening to speak with Andrea today about how we can handle the perils of the sex talk. In our interview, we also discuss:

How to set a tone of respect during sex talks
Why we should be concerned about porn
How to discuss tricky topics that aren’t sexual
Why it’s important to talk to kids about sexual pleasure

Thanks for tuning in this week! If you enjoyed the episode, you can find mor...

Ep 181: How to Use Mystery to Motivate Teens Mar 13, 2022

Jonah Lehrer, author of Mystery, explains why the unknown is so tantalizing, we just can’t seem to resist. Turns out, we all could use a bit more uncertainty in our data-driven world, because curiosity is a powerful driving force in our lives.

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Full show notes

As parents and people, we tend to seek out certainty. We keep our kids in the same schools so they can have consistent friends. We cook the same group of recipes, so we’re sure to have something ready for dinner without too much stress. And we encourage our kids to study hard so they'll be sure to get good grades, get into a good college, and get a good job. We feel that if things are certain, we can live comfortably without worrying about our teens too much…even if it can get a little boring!

But what about mystery? Could adding a little bit of unpredictability into our lives make us happier? Might it prepare our teens better for the complicated world ahead? The truth is that uncertainty can be good for us…even if we try our best to make our lives predictable! Our guest this week champions uncertainty…in fact, he believes we should all encourage ourselves and our teens to incorporate a little mystery into our lives.

This week, we’re sitting down with Jonah Lehrer, author of Mystery: A Seduction, A Strategy, A Solution. Jonah is a neuroscientist who’s written multiple bestselling books, as well as contributed to The New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal and more! After discovering his son’s fascination with mystery, Jonah dove into research about the effects of unpredictability on the adolescent mind. Now, he’s here to talk about just how powerful uncertainty can be!

In our interview, Jonah explains why curiosity is an essential component of effective teen learning, and we discuss the importance of experiencing awe for both adolescents and adults. Plus, Jonah emphasizes the significance of living with uncertainty instead of searching for finite answers.

Curiosity is Critical

If we really want kids to be engaged in their education, Jonah believes curiosity is key. Kids who are interested in the mysterious and unknown are much more likely to find a connection to learning! Research shows that curiosity is the number one indicator of a strong school performance–even beyond a teen’s ability to focus. And curiosity isn’t just something kids are born with. It can be fostered, says Jonah.

In fact, the ability to foster curiosity is one of the reasons why the wealth gap is so prevalent in our education system, he explains. Parents with more disposable income have the cash to take kids to the aquarium for the weekend, or buy kids books. However, this can change if we encourage curiosity in schools, says Jonah. The problem, he explains, is that we don’t! Our current school system tends to push memorization instead of critical thinking, avoiding mystery in favor of certainty. This limits kids to only understanding certain aspects of the subject at hand, Jonah says.

In our interview, we discuss The Noble Academy, a system of charter schools in Chicago that places curiosity at the forefront of it’s curriculum. Kids are provided with complex problems and asked to solve them with groups of their peers. This method encourages teens to take intellectual risks and embrace the unknown, leaving the memorization behind. And the result? These students outperform the others on state standardized tests. In the episode, Jonah and I talk further about how curiosity has the power to transform education.

When we engage in curiosity, we often find ourselves with a sense of awe. This awe can have incredible implications in the lives of both parents and teens, says Jonah.

Why We Need a Sense of Wonder

What is awe, exactly? Jonah explains that it’s different for every person. For teens taking their first steps into maturity, awe might come from their first time driving or their first kiss. But it could also be a vacation, a beautiful sunset, or anything that pushes them out of their bubble and into a new experience! Jonah explains that awe can be a really powerful way of gaining perspective, and pushing our kids towards awe-inspiring environments can help them prosper as they grow into adults.

Awe can help teens become kinder people, says Jonah, as they learn to enjoy the unfamiliar. It can make them more accepting of the inevitable unpredictability that comes with life. Finding healthy ways of experiencing awe can also help teens from seeking out thrills in risky behavior. Teens are drawn to exploring higher emotions and big ideas, says Jonah, and a trip to the Grand Canyon is a much safer way of experiencing wonder than drug use, Jonah explains.

For parents, awe can often be hard to achieve! We’ve seen and done so much–what possible unknown could shake us to our core? In the episode, Jonah and I talk about mastery, and how becoming skilled and efficient at whatever it is we do can make our lives feel pretty stale. He encourages parents to try doing something they’ve never done before, something mysterious that makes learning fun. In doing so, we can connect the awe of our inner child, says Jonah.

In our discussion about awe, Jonah and I are talking about games! But not just Monopoly or Go Fish…we’re discussing the difference between finite and infinite games, and how infinite games can change our lives.

How We Can Embrace Ambiguity

When we play video games, board games, or even sports, we are mostly intrigued by the possibility of winning. In the majority of games, there is a finite ending–Mario saves Peach, someone takes the king on the chessboard, one team scores the most goals. But what about games that are infinite? What if you played baseball without keeping score? Jonah explains that if there’s no specified goal, the game can be played just for the sake of playing–and learning.

Jonah explains that these kinds of games don’t just have to be a conventional “game” like Uno or hockey. They are found in everyday life, in things like kids building legos or reading a sophisticated novel. There isn’t a way to win, only ways to explore. In our interview, Jonah and I talk about how social media has the potential to be an infinite game, by giving people the ability to interact and share with millions of other people...but ends up being finite because of “likes” and “followers”.

Parents often want teens to have finite ideas about where they’re going to college, what they want to study, and who they want to be. But Jonah recommends that instead of pushing teens to have all the answers, we should be encouraging them to embrace the unknown. Life is going to throw them plenty of curveballs! The more we can help them learn to roll with the unpredictability, the more they’ll be able to thrive when they step out into adulthood.

In the Episode…

There’s so much we can learn from Jonah’s understanding of the mind. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

What slot machines can teach us about our brains
Why personalities are more fluid than we think
What Steve Jobs and a piñata have in common
How sports rules create fairness of play

If you enjoyed this week's episode, check out more o...

Ep 180: Can Shortcuts Lead Teens to Success? Mar 06, 2022

Marcus Du Sautoy, mathematician and author of Thinking Better, shares how laziness and the wish for a shortcut can actually push our teens to come up with creative and time-saving innovations.

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Full show notes

Hard work is essential to success…right? If we want teens to thrive they have to hustle, grind and work laboriously to achieve perfect SAT scores or a spot on the basketball team. We condemn teen laziness, hoping that kids will understand the value of blood sweat and tears. For goodness sake, how will they ever get anywhere in life if they’re not spending hours with their chemistry textbooks or practicing their free throws all afternoon?

But maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. Perhaps there’s some merit to taking the easy way out–so long as it’s clever! If teens can find ways to get to the same result without all the effort, they might just stumble upon a great discovery. This week, we’re talking all about shortcuts and laziness, and why these things may not be as bad as we assume! Sometimes, figuring out a way around hard work can lead to some seriously innovative thinking.

Joining us this week is Marcus Du Sautoy, author of Thinking Better: The Art of the Shortcut in Math and Life. Marcus is a brilliant mathematician and the Simonyi Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at the University of Oxford. His books and regular media appearances have done wonders to spark public interest in science and mathematics!

This week, Marcus and I are talking all about shortcuts–and how they can make our teens lives’ easier. We’re also discussing why laziness is underrated, and how collaboration might just save the future of the human race.

The Power of Shortcuts

We tend to encourage teens to avoid cutting corners. We hope that if they struggle and toil and do it the hard way, they’ll learn to be disciplined, and they’ll realize that nothing in life comes easy. And while Marcus agrees that hard work is often necessary to achieve great things, sometimes shortcuts can help. If we come up with clever ways around problems, we can save ourselves time–or even make exciting new discoveries.

Marcus explains that finding a shortcut starts with identifying promising patterns. He uses the inventors of Google as an example. The patterns they saw in computer data allowed them to create a shortcut for searching the entire web! Great musicians are able to discover patterns within music–to the point where they don’t even need to read the notes on the paper to create good tunes. If teens can take a close look at the data of their workout routine or college applications, they might be able to find a shortcut that maximizes results.

Sometimes, however, it feels like a shortcut defeats the point! When you step out of the house to take a hike, you’re in it for the journey, not the destination. Marcus explains that this kind of hard work is defined as “praxis”, or work done simply for the enjoyment of the process. We can still often benefit from shortcuts in these pursuits though, Marcus explains. When we’re ready to take that hike, it’s nice to still be able to drive up to the trailhead! In the episode, Marcus and I talk more about finding shortcuts, and where teens can apply them to make their lives easier.

We might see shortcuts as a teen’s excuse to be lazy…but Marcus believes laziness isn’t so bad either!

Is Laziness Good For Teens?

As a species, humans have always condemned laziness, even including it among the seven deadly sins! But Marcus thinks there might be some benefits to being lazy every once in a while. Taking some time to lie around can often allow us to ponder our surroundings and come up with outside-the-box ideas. Laziness can also push us to find new and interesting shortcuts. Babe Ruth famously hated running around the bases…and learned to hit home runs so that he wouldn’t have to.

Marcus and I discuss how being lazy for the long haul might actually take some work up front. If teens want to figure out ways to make their lives easier, they may have to spend some time building something. For example, outlining an essay may seem like an effortful extra step, but can make writing the paper much faster–so teens can relax sooner! In the episode, Marcus explains how the construction of a tunnel through the alps took nearly seventeen years, but now only takes seventeen minutes to travel through.

In our interview, Marcus and I discuss some fascinatingly relevant research about chess players. When chess champions underwent brain scans, the results were surprising. The researchers expected that scans of their brains would light up, showing these players using their brain to the max. Instead, these players used less of their brain to play chess, instead relying on intuitive ways of thinking to figure out each move. Sometimes, less is more…and we don’t always have to be fighting laziness, says Marcus.

To find shortcuts that make life easier, we’ve often got to apply a different perspective. Marcus and I discuss how these new perspectives can come from working with people who are totally different from us!

Collaboration is Critical

Have you ever found yourself at a loss for solving a problem, until a friend provides you with a wise new solution that you never would have thought of yourself? In our interview, Marcus explains his vision for a world that thrives off this kind of collaboration. In this world, people from different backgrounds with different experiences and perspectives come together to find solutions for humanity’s most complicated problems. Taking the language of another discipline like music or English and applying it to math is one of the ways Marcus has come across remarkable mathematical discoveries!

Some problems, like climate change, suffer from having only one set of people behind the solution, says Marcus. Climate scientists need the help of psychologists, politicians, and marketers to help people change their behavior and move towards sustainable practices. Biologists, chemists, and health care experts need to weigh in and assess the true results of this gigantic threat. With the help of engineers and financiers, we can create and assemble technology that can slow the tide of global warming. Without all these perspectives, we would be hopeless against the challenge!

To Marcus, this lack of cross-collaboration is one of the biggest issues with our schools today. We compartmentalize science, English, math and history in schools, leading teens to believe these things are totally separate. The reality is that the intersections between these subjects is where some of the most interesting learning happens! If we want kids to be excited about academics–especially science and math–showing them interesting and different applications of each subject is a good place to start.

In the Episode…

Marcus’s brilliant mathematical mind makes for a richly informative and entertaining episode this week! On top of the topics discussed above we also cover:

How math and music are connected
Why perfectionism is a “killer of success”
How teens can find a college major they love
Why practice is essential in math and life

I was struck with a new-found love and respect for shortcuts after speaking with Marcus and I hope you enjoy our talk as much as I did—listening to podcasts are pe...

Ep 179: Are We Setting Kids Up to Fail? Feb 27, 2022

Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar, sits down with us to discuss how our technology-obsessed, individualistic culture might be holding our teens back from reaching their full potential.

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Full show notes

Times are changing—and so are teens. The introduction of technology to each aspect of everyday life has fundamentally altered the way teens act, think, and experience the world. Our education system is not the same as it was 20 years ago, and it’s shaping our teens dramatically. Our culture has changed, pushing teens to become more individualistic than ever before. For better or for worse, growing up has become an entirely different experience than the one many of us are familiar with.

For kids, this new world has benefits…but also serious drawbacks. Young people are more connected than ever. They’ve got comforts and conveniences that we never could have dreamt of in our teen years. But rates of teen depression and anxiety are skyrocketing, and many kids feel like they aren’t prepared for the brutal reality of adulthood! For parents watching the world change, it can be nerve-wracking to wonder how we’ll help teens manage.

To understand how our kids can navigate it all, we’re talking to Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Era of Distraction, Dependency, and Entitlement. As an educator, writer and parent himself, Shane has found himself observing some seriously concerning behavior from teens–behavior he feels is motivated by the forces of our evolving world. Today, he’s helping us see how we can give kids a fighting chance at a successful life!

In our interview, we’re discussing the fierce individualism of our modern culture, and its effects on growing teens. We’re also discussing bullying, and the surprising reasons why Shane thinks we shouldn’t stop it from happening. Plus, we’re covering where our school system is missing its chance to truly prepare teens for the world ahead.

The Issue of Individualism

We want kids to be their best selves…but what happens when self-improvement becomes self obsession? Shane believes many teens are headed down this path–not because they're inherently selfish, but because our culture puts self-interest above all else! Social media constantly bombards teens with advertisements and influencers telling teens they NEED to get the newest clothes or try the trendiest fitness craze. Over time, teens can become so consumed by consumerism that they turn a blind eye to the possibility of helping others.

But serving others is often the key to happiness, says Shane. Although material gain or changes to our appearance might help us feel good about ourselves, working towards a greater purpose is ultimately the way to a happy existence, he explains. Teens today run the risk of living unfulfilled lives, especially if we are constantly encouraging them to strive only for their own happiness, says Shane. In the episode, Shane and I talk further about encouraging our kids to work towards the betterment of others.

In our discussion about culture, Shane and I also touch on the difference between honor cultures and dignity cultures. Honor cultures push people towards accomplishment, he explains, by rewarding them for their achievements. In a world full of easy digital rewards and distractions, encouraging teens to seek true accomplishment can have a lot of benefits. However, Shane also acknowledges the toxicity of pushing kids towards constant achievement. We also discuss the positive attributes of dignity culture–believing every human has intrinsic value and dignity without needing to prove it. In our interview, we’re talking about how we can take the best parts of each to create balance.

As our culture and technology has evolved, one particular issue that’s taken center stage is bullying–whether it’s online or IRL. Interestingly, Shane doesn’t believe bullying is always a bad thing.

The Surprising Truth About Bullying

We’ve been working towards ending bullying in schools for quite a while…but what is bullying, exactly? Is it physical, verbal or digital? Is a fight between two students bullying? What if it’s an anonymous online post? The lack of subjectivity in defining what bullying really is can be a big problem, says Shane. As we crack down more and more on bullying, our definition of it becomes increasingly lenient, to the point where we might consider any kid to be a bully, Shane explains.

And being marked as a bully can be pretty harmful. Most of the time, kids who are harsh to others at school are behaving this way as a result of patterns in their home life. Instead of labeling kids as a threat, we should be examining the nuances of what causes them to bully or harass others, Shane says. Kids marked as bullies tend to develop a dislike of going to school or feel vindictive towards their teachers and classmates, says Shane.

Plus, Shane believes the effects of bullying might be less detrimental than we often think. Kids are going to be up against a lot as they get older, and they aren’t going to have adults around to sort everything out. If we’re constantly intervening to fix teens’ social problems, we might be doing them a disservice. We could be keeping them from developing the conflict resolution skills and resilience they are going to need to survive romantic relationships, the workplace, and life in general!

As an educator, attitudes around bullying aren’t the only problem Shane sees in schools.

Why Schools Need to Change

Are schools really teaching kids what they need to know? One of the biggest problems in today’s school system is that it has become too outcome oriented, says Shane. Instead of putting emphasis on increasing knowledge, they’ve become overly obsessed with metrics, ratings, college acceptance statistics and making sure every kid “passes.” Schools are often giving out easy As to simply move kids through the system without really challenging them, says Shane.

Shane explains that this problem has been worsening because teachers are under too much stress to accommodate every student! Some students have learning disabilities or are disadvantaged, meaning they may not be able to keep up to pace with the rest of the students. This means that teachers often have to lower the difficulty of material. But because they don't have the facilities to create and keep track of lesson plans for each student, the whole class has to adjust to this drop in difficulty, says Shane. This means kids are often not pushed or even taught at their own level!

Schools are also trying to keep up with the technological times, but often miss the mark. The use of Ipads and laptops in the classroom can encourage a culture of dependence on screens that’s already a problem for so many! In the episode, Shane and I talk about the rise in mental illness and drug addiction in teens, and how much of it may be tied to teens who are too attached to screens or who feel incredibly stressed, blocked in or even just bored by modern schooling.

In the Episode…

It’s always so refreshing to hear from educators and learn how we can build a better system for our teens to grow up in. Although there’s a lot of obstacles in our kids’ way, experts like Shane can...

Ep 178: Can Your Teen Confide in You? Feb 20, 2022

Zach Westerbeck, author of You're Not Alone, joins us this week to talk about how mental illness manifests in teens. He also shines a light on what we can do to help a teen that’s struggling with anxiety or depression.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Caring for teens with anxiety and depression can be incredibly difficult. No teen is the same, and living with mental illness is different for every family. Because these disorders are so stigmatized in our society, we rarely talk about them–making them even harder to spot, diagnose and treat. Some days it might feel like there’s nothing you can do to help your teen feel better…and that’s not a good feeling!

No matter how hard it may seem, however, you’re not alone. Plenty of people are going through the same thing–probably more than you think! And by talking to professionals, you can discover some tried-and-true ways to help your teen get a hold on their mental health.

Today we’re sitting down with Zach Westerbeck, author of You're Not Alone: The Only Book You'll Ever Need to Overcome Anxiety and Depression. In his post-college years, Zach found himself fighting some serious mental health battles. Although he tried to shove these feelings down, they only grew, culminating in suicidal thoughts. When he reached rock bottom, he called the only people he felt could help him–his parents. This set him on the road to recovery! Now, he’s talking to parents and teens all over the globe to help us understand how we can cultivate a better culture around these disorders to save lives.

In this week’s episode, Zach and I are discussing what he calls a “vicious thought vortex” to help parents understand what depressed or anxious teens might be going through. We’re talking about some small steps teens can take to get a handle on anxiety, plus sharing how you can make your home a safe space for teens to express their true feelings.

When Thoughts Feel Threatening

In our interview, Zach dives into his own story, sharing his personal struggle with mental illness and the negative thoughts he battled with. He explains that he often felt overwhelmed by the anxious feeling of fight or flight, even when he wasn’t confronted with a threat. The world suddenly became much less colorful and exciting, instead looking washed over and gray. It got to a point where he felt he’d lost control of his thoughts.

For teens struggling with depression and anxiety, feelings like these can be pretty typical. Although we may think it’s easy to deflect these ideas, they tend to be pretty stubborn in young minds. Zach describes something that he calls a “vicious thought vortex.” When teens try to deflect these troubling thoughts, they often just come back stronger, creating a cycle that’s difficult to escape from. Zach explains that if these teens continue to ruminate on these thoughts, the effects could be incredibly damaging.

So how can we combat this cycle of challenging thoughts? Zach explains that it starts with teens distancing themselves from these dark ideas. When teens realize destructive and harmful thoughts aren’t a part of who they are, these ideas lose power. Over time, the cycle can fade away, and teens will likely feel better! In the episode, Zach and I dive deeper into this cycle and the steps teens can take to end it.

For some teens, these darker thoughts don’t surface–some just struggle with anxiety about everyday life. Whether it stems from socializing, school, or the football team, there’s a lot to be anxious about! Zach’s giving us some tips to help relieve teens’ anxiety.

Aiding an Anxious Teen

Teens might be anxious about all sorts of things: driving for the first time, high school cliques, figuring out college and their future career–the list goes on. For some teens, these events cause mild nervousness that goes away with time. For others, these things can be intense, terrifying notions that keep them awake at night. It can be hard to help teens who harbor lots of anxiety, but Zach’s sharing some ways we can ease their worries.

Some teens exhibit avoidant tendencies, and simply stay away from things that make them nervous. A teen with social anxiety might not approach other students at school to try and initiate friendship, or might even beg you to skip school altogether! Zach recommends that teens start small. Is there another quiet person in class they could sit next to tomorrow? And the day after that, try saying hi? Maybe there’s a club they could sit in on, even if they aren’t ready to speak up in front of everyone yet.

Zach warns against the dangers of letting kids remain avoidant. Too many kids are sheltered these days, he says, and can’t transition into the world properly as an adult. Helping teens push through their anxiety incrementally can be critical to helping them grow. He suggests exposing them to uncertainty–not in overwhelming amounts, but just enough to help them feel confident encountering new things. When they face their fears, they often realize they had nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

But what if a teen never clues us into their mental health battle? Zach explains that many people, teenage or otherwise, think that they can’t talk about what they’re feeling. In the episode, we’re explaining how you can create a safe space in your home for kids to speak up when they’re struggling.

Making Space for Mental Health

Even when Zach was at his lowest, he felt as though he couldn't talk to anyone about what he was feeling. He thought he might be considered weak for sharing his struggles with suicidal thoughts, or that no one would be able to understand. When he finally decided to open up to his parents about the situation, he found that he wasn’t alone. He was encouraged to get help, and started the journey to getting better. If he’d been raised in a time and place where discussing mental health was normalized, he may not have gotten to such a dark place to begin with!

That’s why creating a space where teens can express their thoughts and feelings can be incredibly impactful. But how can we do this? Zach explains that we can start by being vulnerable ourselves. One of the worst things parents can do, says Zach, is act as though they’re perfect. If parents can talk to kids about what’s going awry in their lives, kids feel more comfortable joining in on the conversation and sharing their own troubles, Zach says.

But aren’t parents supposed to be strong? Shouldn’t parents hide their weaknesses so that they appear stable to kids? Zach explained in the episode that there is often a lot more strength in being vulnerable than there is in pretending everything is fine. Zach encourages us not only to admit to kids when something’s wrong in our own life, but to repeatedly check in with our teens. Encouraging them to talk about their feelings might be a small effort, but it can have a huge impact.

In the Episode…

It’s so important to talk about anxiety and depression, and I’m so glad we could bring Zach on to discuss mental health this week. In additions to the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why we shouldn’t tie happiness to success
How emotions behave like water in a kettle
Why you shouldn...

Ep 177: Tech Use and Teens’ Self-Image Feb 13, 2022

Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Anything But My Phone, Mom!, sheds light on how toxic tech use affects teens’ self-image. Plus, she doles out tricks for more productive tech talks with adolescents.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Have you ever tried taking your teen’s phone away? How did they respond? Did they scream? Cry? Bargain and beg for you to give it back? For many families, arguments over tech use are an exhaustingly repetitive part of everyday life. Devices can have plenty of benefits for teens, but can also be addictive and problematic! As a parent, it can be scary to feel like teens are ditching their homework for tik tok, talking to random strangers online, or running free all over social media.

Helping teens create healthy tech habits is hard work–but not impossible! Surprisingly, it starts with encouraging teens to be themselves. Confident teens are less likely to hide behind screens, and more likely to immerse themselves in the real world. But how can we help teens create this confidence? That’s what we’re getting into this week!

Our guest is Roni Cohen-Sandler, author ofAnything But My Phone, Mom! Raising Emotionally Resilient Daughters in the Digital Age. Although Roni’s book focuses on young women, her years of experience working as a psychologist has taught her a lot about young adults of all genders! In her work, she’s found that technology is the number one point of contention between parents and teens. Today she’s revealing how we can talk to teens about tech and much more.

In our interview, we’re talking about how technology can complicate kids’ sense of identity, and what we can do to help them feel secure in who they are. Roni gives us tips for striking up critical conversations with teens about their tech use, and explains how we can guide them toward enjoying their phones–in moderation.

Social Media and Sense of Self

Knowing who you are at 16 is hard enough. Imagine having to curate a good-looking, smart, popular persona on social media! Kids these days are under a lot of pressure to seem cool or interesting online, says Roni. This can lead them to get a little lost on the road to self discovery. Many teens (and adults, for that matter) find themselves obsessed with finding validation online, she explains. It can be crushing for them when they don’t receive as many likes or followers as they hoped. And even when they do get the attention they’re striving for, it’s usually aimed at their online persona–and not the person they truly are.

One of the first steps parents can take to combat this identity crisis is making sure teens feel validated at home, says Roni. When teens come to us with feelings about school, friends, or practice, Roni explains that validating those feelings can go a long way. Although teens might seem dramatic, it can do wonders for their self-esteem to meet them where they’re at. Roni explains that teens who don’t feel like they can express themselves authentically at home often turn to the outside world for approval–which can be harmful.

In our interview, Roni and I also talk about the importance of making sure teens don’t feel stuck. When we’re investing time and money into kids’ piano lessons, soccer league or dance studio, it’s tempting to pigeonhole them into an identity. But sometimes fifteen year olds no longer want to pursue certain avenues any longer, and we’ve got to learn to be ok with it, says Roni. Although guiding kids towards a niche might make us feel more secure, it can lead them to feel trapped or held back as they grow and find their authentic selves.

It’s one thing to talk to teens about self-identity, but what can we do when it’s time to have an honest talk with teens about what they’re doing online? Roni and I are discussing this in our interview.

Having Tough Tech Conversations

So you want to talk to your teen about tech use…but you don’t know where to start. Roni has some suggestions! In her opinion, it’s best to start with some questions about intent. What is your teen hoping to get out of Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat? Do they use it to talk to friends, to network?

Once you’ve asked these questions, you’ve paved the way for a conversation about online boundaries and expectations. An example Roni uses is cyberbullying. If you’re worried your teen is being bullied online or bullying someone else, she suggests asking them where they draw the line between being funny to being mean. Your teens' answers might cause them to reflect on something they may have said on Twitter, or a comment left on their Instagram post.

This reflection can be a lot more useful than simply taking your teens phone or computer away. Instead of just temporarily removing the problem, you can help them think twice about what they’re doing online, and practice better internet behavior. Plus, deploying productive talks instead of punitive measures can help teens feel like you’re working with them creating healthy tech limits, instead of against them.

Beyond the dangers of social media, some teens simply find themselves obsessed with their devices, and won’t listen when you express your concerns! Roni and I are touching on how you can get teens to think critically about how much time they’re spending on their screens.

How Teens Can Enjoy Tech In Moderation

For teens to have a healthy relationship with technology, they’ve got to be able to self regulate. To help teens accomplish this, Roni recommends giving teens some autonomy with tech use, and checking in to see how they do. Can they put the screens down when it’s time to start homework? Do they spend time outside with friends instead of constantly playing match after match on Fortnite? These kinds of assessments can help you figure out if your teen has an obsessive relationship to tech, or if they seem to be striking a comfortable balance all on their own.

If teens don’t appear to have balance, Roni says it’s time to step in. She compares this process to learning to drive or ride a bike. Parents can step in and monitor for a while, helping teens navigate the digital landscape, before taking off the training wheels and letting teens run free. Once teens can move through the world of YouTube and Tik Tok without getting dangerously sucked in, they can go at it alone, Roni explains.

One thing Roni recommends is making sure your teens know what it feels like to be bored! Before kids had endless access to video games, television and social media, they had to entertain themselves by playing sports, or reading. Nowadays, kids don’t really get creative about pastimes, which Roni believes is a shame. If you can cultivate tech-free times that encourage kids to explore other activities, they might find themselves a cool new hobby or two!

In the Episode..

Taking on teen tech management is no easy task. That’s why it was such a treat to have Roni with us today! On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

What to do when teens seem to quit everything
How parents can use tech as a communication tool
Why kids need solitary time after school
How you can deescalate a heated conversation

If you want to check out more of Roni’s work, you can find her at

Ep 176: Parenting to Prevent Bias Feb 06, 2022

Christia Spears Brown, PhD, author of Unraveling Bias, explains how prejudice develops in children, even if we don’t teach it to them. In this episode, we’ll learn how to have conversations about equality in our own homes.

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Full show notes

Talking about discrimination is pretty complicated and scary…so sometimes we just don’t! We hope that if we just don’t mention offensive stereotypes or racist notions to our kids, they won’t develop prejudiced thinking. We’ll remind them that everyone is equal, and just pray that their schooling will do the rest. If we wouldn’t know what to say in a conversation about discrimination, it’s better to just abstain…right?

As much as we might wish for our kids to naturally grow up without bias, studies show that it’s bound to happen. Influences from TV, movies, video games and social media can shape the way young minds think. When young people see racist and sexist stereotypes in the media, they don’t know any better but to believe it! If we don’t teach them to think critically about what they see, they might end up with life-long beliefs about race and gender that can hurt both themselves and those around them.

To learn more about why we need a discrimination conversation–and how to have it–we’re talking to Dr. Christia Spears Brown, author of Unraveling Bias: How Prejudice Has Shaped Children for Generations and Why It's Time to Break the Cycle. She’s been researching the development of discriminatory beliefs in children and adolescents for nearly 30 years! Through her work, she’s discovered the real reason kids grow up with bias. Today, she’s providing us with proven ways we can combat prejudice in our own families.

In this episode, we’re diving into the psychological origins of bias in adolescents. We’re also getting into how we can change our dialogue about gender, sexuality, and family to create a more equitable world.

Parenting to Prevent Racial Bias

Although kids don’t intend to develop discriminatory opinions, they are often influenced by what they see in the media and the world around them. When Black and Latino men are portrayed as criminals on TV, or their favorite video game features exaggerated stereotypes of Asian culture, they don’t know any better but to believe it. They’ll take these influences in without thinking critically, unless they’re taught to, Dr. Brown says.

This is largely a result of certain evolutionary brain patterns that have been heavily steered by our society’s thinking, says Dr. Brown. We do have an innate tendency to categorize people, because sorting individuals into “friend” and “foe” has allowed us to survive as a species. Plus, the world can be very overwhelming to a young mind, and sorting people into categories can help kids process it all. But why don’t we have discriminatory opinions about people with different eye colors? Why is it so often about race?

Dr. Brown explains that this particular phenomenon has occurred as a result of societal influence. Because we put so much importance on racial differences, kids learn to sort individuals by race. Kids are still developing their understanding of the world, so when they see discrimination happening, they start to think that racial divisions must be necessary or proper. This is not because their parents taught them to think so, but simply because it’s what they’re observing in our racially divided society. In the episode, Dr. Brown and I talk at length about how you can intervene to stop this belief, and help your kid develop a less prejudiced view of the people around them.

But what about gender? Do kids develop beliefs about gender as part of a natural process, or is it created by external influences?

How Subtle Cues About Gender Have Serious Effects

Girls are just as capable as boys are at math and science…so why do they so often believe they can’t measure up? Dr. Brown says that young men and boys show high rates of confidence in their math abilities, while women are much more likely to have intense anxiety surrounding mathematical activities. Girls tend to exhibit underconfidence when math is involved, and often don’t raise their hands, even when they’re sure they have the answer, Dr. Brown tells us.

Where does this lack of confidence come from? Dr. Brown explains that it develops over time as a response to subtle notions about female inferiority. Studies show that parents are much more likely to ask female students if they need help with math homework over male students. Educators often attribute male success at math to natural brain power, while young women are told that the reason they aced a math test was because they studied really hard, says Dr. Brown. Although adults aren’t aware of these subtle cues, they often come from our unconscious mind, she explains.

Schools play a part in this problem as well, says Dr. Brown. When kids are asked to name a male genius, they’ve got plenty of names on the backburner. But when prompted to come up with a female genius, kids are usually stumped. Dr. Brown suggests that the origin of this issue is the posters that we choose to hang up in our classrooms and libraries. They so often idolize white men, says Dr. Brown, and rarely ever show some diversity! Studies show that when these posters change, kids are more capable of listing women and people of color who’ve made valuable contributions.

A little representation goes a long way. Dr. Brown and I continue to discuss the importance of visibility in our conversation.

Why Visibility Matters

For kids who are still developing self esteem, it’s important to know that no matter their race, gender or sexuality, they can live a happy and successful life. Dr. Brown explains that this is especially critical for young people within the LGBTQ+ community. Kids who have these identities are statistically much more likely to develop depression and suicidal tendencies. Reading books and interacting with media that exhibits positive representations of life as a gay person can be very impactful, says Dr. Brown.

Young women are also often dissuaded from their ambitions because of lack of visibility, Dr. Brown explains. Girls on TV are either pigeonholed as being sexy and popular, or smart and educated–without the possibility of being both. This means that some girls stop trying to get the answers right on tests or keep their good grades hidden, because they’re scared of being categorized as smart instead of likable. The more you can encourage young women to think critically about this stereotype, the better, says Dr. Brown.

Boys have been shown to develop these same stereotypes about women, leading to sexism that pervades into adult life. It’s equally as important for young boys to see women in power as it is for young girls to see it, Dr. Brown explains. If you can put intentionality behind the kind of things your kids are exposed to, it can be a critical way to help them create more realistic and empowering images of people of all genders, races, and sexualites.

In the Episode…

With Dr. Brown’s advice, we can take steps to shape the next generation into powerful advocates of equality. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why some kids think it’s i...

Ep 175: Creating Open Communication Jan 30, 2022

Mark Goulston, author ofJust Listen, helps us break through our teenager’s barriers to have vulnerable conversations, solve conflict, and create more open lines of communication.

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Full show notes

Having an open, communicative, connected relationship with your teen is awesome…but pretty difficult to achieve. Teens don’t exactly make it easy to get close to them–when we try to have heart-to-hearts, they usually just roll their eyes. Plus, it’s hard to spend quality time together when they disappear to their rooms for hours at a time! Being vulnerable with teens can be an incredible way to bond with them and prep them with life advice for the world ahead, if we could only get them to listen.

To make things more complicated, having these conversations is usually a two-part process. Even when we’ve got kids to open up, it’s another challenge altogether to know what to say! When teens tell us about what’s going on with them, we don’t want to shut them down or make them feel worse. We want to give them advice that will help them become their best selves. Although this might feel like an impossible task, we’re giving you some tips this week to help you get there.

Our guest today is Mark Goulston, renowned psychologist and author of many books, including the popular Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior and Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Mark’s experiences working with patients and talking to parents all over the world has left him with some powerful notions about making an impact on teens.

In our interview, we’re covering the importance of opening up to teens, how you can create a safe space for teens to be vulnerable, and how we can move forward to a promising future with kids instead of dwelling on our past mistakes.

How Conversations Can Lead to Connections

Our words are often a lot more powerful to teens than we might think. During our discussion, Mark shares a touching story about how a talk in his young adult years changed his life forever. When he was on the brink of dropping out of med school, the dean of students told him he had a streak of goodness in him, and fought for him to stay in the program. At the time, Mark's mental health was poor. When the dean said Mark had a future ahead of him, Mark finally felt like he had the power to go on. For some teens, this kind of encouragement can be essential.

For others, it can be critical to know it’s ok to make mistakes. In the episode, Mark explains how some teens constantly compare themselves to their “perfect” seeming parents, and feel like they can never measure up. By letting your walls down and allowing yourself to be vulnerable about your own mistakes, you can help teens see that they don’t always have to be flawless. Mark and I talk a lot in the interview about the damage of pushing kids to be high achievers and how we can move towards a healthier set of expectations.

When you’re able to connect with teens on a deeper level, they develop what Mark calls basic trust. This is an essential part of growing from a teen to a functional, content adult. Without this trust, they often feel anxious stepping into the world and don’t have a sense of safety, he says. When you and your kid are truly able to bond on a deeper level, you can reach what Mark describes as “radical attunement,” which goes deeper than just surface conversation and allows the two of you to be connected by instinct. Mark and I dive further into his concept in our talk.

So you know how important these talks can…but how can we go about having them?

Asking Teens the Right Questions

When it comes to working out conflicts with teens, Mark recommends looking towards the future instead of the past. Instead of bringing up old points of tension from previous mistakes, he explained that it can be more productive to ask teens how they want things to be different in the future. Is there something you’ve been doing that’s harmful? What can you start doing to help teens develop confidence and healthy habits?

Discussing the future can also be a pre-emptive way to figure out incoming issues before they become arguments. Mark recommends asking kids what you should do the next time you find yourself concerned by their behavior. Kids might say to text them, or write them a letter, or just talk to them directly–but getting their game plan will help next time there’s a tussle between the two of you. Instead of acting without a plan, you’ll have their input for how to handle their bad grade or disrespectful attitude.

When teens are angry or acting out, they often don’t respond well to punitive measures. What they really need, Mark says, is to be asked how they are feeling–and why they are feeling it. Mark suggests waiting until an upset teen has calmed down before asking them what they feel is missing in their life or why they’re feeling bad about themselves. Or if focusing too much on achievement has left them feeling empty. Mark calls this a time out, except it requires both teens and parents to take a minute and acknowledge that continuing to fight will only make the issue worse.

But what can you do when teens are resistant to letting their walls down, or snap at you for even trying to start a discussion? Mark and I talk about how you can get these conversations going in our interview.

Creating a Space for Conversation

If you want to initiate a talk but don’t know if a kid will respond well, Mark advises skipping the awkwardness of trying to sit them down for a serious discussion. Instead, he suggests having this talk while doing something else, like driving to the store or washing dishes. This makes things a little more comfortable and less confrontational, Mark explains.

When teens are prompted to bring up serious topics, it can often trigger trauma from previous wounds. Maybe you’re concerned about the way they’ve been dressing…but discussing this might remind them of the body insecurity so many teens suffer from. Some teens become angry or hostile when prompted to open up, but if you can meet them where they are and show that you understand how they’re feeling deep down, it can help the conversation become more productive and less hot-headed, says Mark. In our interview, we discuss how problems can arise when teens begin relying too much on angry outbursts to get your attention.

Mark believes very strongly in the power of mentorship. If you can’t have these conversations with kids, there may be a non-parental figure who your kid responds to a little bit easier. Mark explains that when kids turn to a mentor instead of their parents, it doesn’t mean parents have failed. Mentors are powerful because kids often find them independently; this person is someone they’ve sought out on their own. This figure also keeps kids from being too dependent on parents, and helps them learn to make meaningful connections out in the world.

In the Episode..

Mark and I have a light hearted but rich conversation in this week’s episode, covering a wide range of parenting topics. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

What...

Ep 174: Key Traits For Resilient Teens Jan 23, 2022

Chris and Holly Santillo, authors of Resilience Parenting, shed light on raising teens who persevere. They’re sharing how teens can balance independence and connectedness, and what we can do to model resiliency for our kids.

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Full show notes

The road in front of our teens is a rocky one. They’re heading into adulthood in the midst of a pandemic, trying to figure out what they want to do and who they want to be. They’re attempting to find independence, but also curate new relationships. There’s no shortage of obstacles in their path–if they want to get through, they’ll have to know how to persevere. They’ll have to be resilient.

But how can we as parents help them get there? Turns out, there’s a lot we can do! And it starts with being resilient ourselves. If we show kids that we can bounce back from our mistakes, they’ll know that they’re capable of it too. Then, when it’s time to step out into the world, they won’t come running back home scared. They’ll know how to roll with the punches, think on their feet, and get up when life knocks them down!

To understand how we can model resilience for our kids, we’re talking to Chris and Holly Santillo, authors of Resilience Parenting: Raising Resilient Children in an Era of Detachment and Dependence. These two have decades of experience both raising and working with kids. Together, they own and operate a martial arts studio, and Holly leads a childrens’ choir. Plus they’ve traveled all over the world with their three kids, and learned quite a bit about resilience along the way.

In this episode, Chris, Holly and I are talking about the ways parents can teach perseverance by example. Plus, we’re discussing the importance of service, and explaining how teens can become independent without sacrificing their connections to others.

How Parents Can Promote Perseverance

Although we’ve been around quite a bit longer than our kids, we still find ourselves facing plenty of challenges. We have to keep learning and growing everyday! Our teens are handling all the craziness of puberty, first love and fears of the future. It can be reassuring to remind them they’re not the only ones who are still figuring it all out, say Chris and Holly. Chris explains in the episode that pretending to be perfect only hurts our children, because it makes them feel as though they can’t make mistakes themselves!

Holly and Chris explain that when kids fail for the first time, they begin to think of themselves as losers or failures. It can be really tough to convince them otherwise! Chris and Holly recommend reminding them that failure is not a person, it’s an event! Just because they mess up once, or even ten times, doesn’t mean they can’t bounce back. Holly emphasizes the value of being vulnerable with kids about your own failures. Did you also struggle with a class in high school? Or find yourself unlucky in love? Sharing these experiences with your kids can help them push through.

Holly reminds us that we can model not only resilience for our kids, but integrity as well. When kids see parents doing the right thing, they know to follow suit. But kids aren’t necessarily going to notice, says Holly, so it can be impactful to point out when we display integrity. That way kids don’t miss it! When we lend something to a neighbor or volunteer to help the vulnerable, we can explain to kids why we’re doing what we’re doing. This guides them to see the importance of doing good. In the episode, Holly, Chris and I discuss how we can talk about our virtuous actions without just bragging about our selflessness!

Beyond just setting an example, service to others can be a very positive part of life for both teens and parents! Chris Holly and I dive deeper into this in our interview.

Helping Ourselves By Helping Others

Serving those in need is a great way to give back, but it can also give us something in return! Chris, Holly and I discuss how there are so many benefits for teens who take part in volunteering and community service. Not only does it lift their spirits, it also helps them meet people, socialize, and create a network. This web of social support is something that Chris and Holly believe is essential for remaining resilient.

This service doesn’t necessarily have to be in a soup kitchen! Contributing to the well-being of others takes many forms, Holly and Chris explain. In our interview, Holly demonstrates this idea with a story. She recently helped her mother-in-law hang up some photographs, something her mother-in-law couldn’t do alone. The experience took Holly’s time and effort but also brought them closer together and made her in-laws happy…which is no easy task!

For teens preparing to enter adulthood, the lessons and connections they make helping others will follow them as they go on their way, says Chris. Life is tough, but when you support others and find people who support you, resilience comes a little easier.

But some teens don’t want to rely on anyone–they’d rather sit in their room with their ear buds in and the door closed, ignoring you. They think that they have to go through life alone, without anyone’s help! In the episode, Chris, Holly and I talk about how teens can establish a balance between having independence and being connected to others.

Being Independent Without Being Alone

When we experience a surge of success, be it a new job, a promotion, exciting recognition…we want to run home and tell someone about it! Chris and Holly believe that a life well- lived requires loved ones, not just accomplishment. Teaching teens to stay connected to one another can do wonders for them as they grow into adults. If they’re going to keep their resilience and bounce back when things go sour, it’ll be in their best interest to learn how to lean on others, say Chris and Holly.

However, Chris and Holly are also worried about teens who aren’t independent enough! Some kids never learn to do things for themselves, leading them to become too dependent on their parents or other relationships. Although we need to have friends and family, it’s also important to do things for ourselves, Chris and Holly explain. So how can we strike the balance between these two? It’s definitely not easy, but it’s possible, Chris tells us in the episode. In our interview, discuss how you can help teens develop autonomy while also forming healthy connections.

If teens have managed to strike this balance successfully, Chris and Holly believe they can go one step further–advocacy. If teens can start defending their peers when they see wrong happening, they can develop a strong sense of justice that will help them prosper out in the world! This is not just a way for teenagers to help those in need, it’s a valuable way for them to forge strong beliefs, a sense of purpose and impactful social connections.

In the Episode…

If you want to raise a more resilient teen, you’ll really enjoy today’s episode! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How to get teens to take their earbuds out
Why you should create a culture of learning in your household
How to have better dinner conversations
What you can do ...

Ep 173: When to Hand Over Control Jan 16, 2022

Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat, gives us pointers on how and when to let go of the urge to control our teens. Plus, he shares what we can do to stay cool when teens press our buttons.

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Full show notes

It can be alarming when teens are suddenly staying out late, dating, and getting behind the wheel. It’s easy to see them as the tiny toddler they once were, when barely able to even walk! Watching them grow from little kids to young adults means that we have to relinquish control and give them more and more independence….which is no simple task. We want to protect them, shelter them and guide their every move to make sure they don’t go astray, but maybe this isn’t the best way to prepare them to take on life in the real world!

This week’s episode is about taking the backseat as a parent. Even when we want to run out the door and stop our teen from going out in that outfit, or watch over them until they finish every problem on their physics homework, sometimes it’s wise to step back and let them go at it on their own. Even though teens might mess up, make mistakes and have regrets, a little bit of independence can be an important preparation for the wild ride of adulthood they’ll face up ahead.

We’re sitting down with Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat: How to Create Extraordinary Opportunities by Handing Over Control. After 25 years serving in the United Kingdom’s Royal Air Force, Peter became a leadership expert, helping companies all around the globe for nearly 14 years. Plus, he’s a father of two! Peter pours his knowledge about service, business, and teamwork into a parenting context this week to help us see how we can run our homes with integrity and purpose.

Peter and I are discussing the difference between taking a position and taking a stand–and why this is a crucial distinction parents need to make. Plus, we’re talking about authenticity and integrity, and explaining how you can finally get your teen to put their dirty laundry in the hamper!

How Parents Can Take a Stand

When our teens decide they want a nose piercing or to stay out until four AM, our first reaction is usually to firmly declare “that’s not allowed!” This leads the two of you to argue. Your teen slams the door in your face, and you have the same fight over and over until there’s nothing left to do but give in or give up. But according to Peter, there’s a better way. Instead of taking a position, he says we need to take a stand.

You may think those sound like the exact same thing, but Peter explains that they actually couldn't be more different. A position is a strong reaction to the situation at hand, and usually sparks a counterposition. You take the position that your teen can’t vape, they take the position that they can do whatever they want! But a stand goes deeper than just a position. It requires you to look at what you truly care about, and what’s important to you. Instead of just taking the position that your teen shouldn't vape, Peter says we should take a stand for your teens health and wellness.

This shows teens that your attitude isn’t just about disagreeing with them, it’s about looking out for them. It might take a little extra effort not to throw a “because I said so” their way, but it’s worth it, says Peter. Teens respond much better when they feel like they’re being considered, not just told what to do.

Similarly, it helps to come into these conflicts with a level head. In the episode, Peter and I talk about the difference between an emotional reaction and a logical response, and how responding to a tricky situation with intention makes a world of difference.

Authenticity vs. Integrity

We care about our kids more than anything…which is why we can get frustrated, angry or upset when we feel like they aren’t listening. But Peter recommends we let our brain process our emotions before we enter into a loaded discussion with teens, or anticipate how we’ll feel and prepare so that we don’t blow up in their faces. As Peter says in the episode, we want to make sure our response comes from a place of love, not from a place of fear.

Peter explains that this is the difference between authenticity and integrity. Although people often tell us to “be authentic”, Peter believes this is an oversimplification of parenting, or any kind of leadership. While it’s good to be honest and vulnerable, Peter says that we can’t just unleash whatever kind of “authentic” behavior we might feel inclined to perform. Instead, he suggests living with integrity, and putting a filter over our natural behavior to make sure we’re acting as role models. Thoughtful, intentional parenting is more impactful than just unfiltered behavior, says Peter.

Of course, this is always much easier said than done. That’s why Peter and I take time to discuss the possibility of messing up in this week’s episode. Peter speaks to the importance of humble confidence, being able to admit to your teen that you may have blown things out of proportion. Asking for forgiveness not only strengthens bonds with teens, it also models humility! Watching you take responsibility for your lip ups can show teens that they’re capable of doing the same.

Beyond just staying calm and taking a stand, Peter and I are discussing other ways we can get through to teens. Specifically, we’re talking about the importance of community and belonging.

Inspiring Responsibility in Teens

It can be hard to motivate teens to take their responsibilities seriously. Luckily, Peter has some tips! In our interview, we talk about how tricky it is to get teens to put their dirty laundry away. But if they’re going out with their friends on Saturday night and want their favorite shirt to get washed, it's sure to be in the basket! Peter explains that teens are spurred on by social pressure, by the need to fit in and belong. And although this can definitely work against you as a parent, you can also make it work in your favor!

Teens’ need to belong beyond just their peers. Reminding teens that they belong in your family too might just encourage them to be more responsible, says Peter. Teens are annoyed when you ask them to take out the dishwasher...but if you remind them that it’s for the communal good of the family and emphasize the important role they play in the household, they might be more likely to follow through, As Peter emphasizes in the episode, we take responsibility for what we care about and what we commit to.

Peter has some interesting takes on the idea of commitment, which we discussed this week. As Peter explains in our interview, commitment is not just something you pledge to others, but to yourself. If teens really want to commit to getting an A in chemistry or make the soccer team, it won’t be because you told them to. It will come because they motivated themselves! Helping teens realize this can bring them to think critically about what they really want to commit to, and where they want to direct their efforts.

In the Episode…

It was so great to talk with Peter about how we can incorporate principles of strong leadership into our families. On top of the topics discusse...

Ep 172: The Link Between Indulgence, Addiction, and Depression Jan 09, 2022

Dr Anna Lembke, author of Dopamine Nation, shares insight into the pain-pleasure circuitry in the brain and how it affects our ability to become addicted to painful things and numb to pleasurable ones—and how we can do a ‘reset’ to get back a sensitivity for both.

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What do you do when your teen suddenly seems to be in a rut? It might be that they barely eat, lock themselves in their room, or stop talking to their friends…whatever it is, they won’t clue you in to what’s wrong. The truth is, they may not even know! These days, more and more people are finding themselves feeling down without an obvious reason—and this week, we’re going to find out why.

In recent years, the number of prescriptions for antidepressants has gone up all across the globe…but so have rates of depression and anxiety. How could this be possible? It might just be that relying on medicine is actually making us feel worse in the long run–and the same goes for other substances, or even unexpected comforts like social media and video gaming. To help us understand further, we’re talking to a brilliant psychologist who knows a thing or two about addiction and the mind’s ability to process feel-good chemicals.

Dr. Anna Lembke is the Medical Director of Stanford Addiction Medicine and has been a leading researcher on addiction for over 25 years! Her new book, Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, highlights just how easy it is to partake into too much pleasure when we’re constantly oversaturated with media influence and convenient dopamine hits like fast food and vaping. Beyond just substance abuse, many teens are finding themselves addicted to digital stimulation, pornography or social media, but may not exactly why they’re feeling so blue all the time.

To help us understand this mental health crisis, Dr. Lembke and I are discussing the neurological and evolutionary reasons behind why teens get into depressive episodes from too much indulgent behavior. Plus, we’re talking about what we can do to make our teens less vulnerable to addictive forces, and how to get them to open up about their bad habits.

Why Your Teen Might Be in a Slump

There are a lot of reasons why teens can end up in a bad mood, but if they seem like they’re in a hole they just can’t get out of, an addictive behavior might be behind it. Anna explains that in our modern world, with access to endless entertainment and substances, we have a tendency to bombard ourselves with pleasure…but it has a price. When we experience a rush of happiness, our minds react by releasing dopamine, a feel-good chemical. Then, in order to restore our mind's balance, our brain brings in different chemicals that make us feel, well, not so good.

Usually, this system works efficiently and effectively to keep our moods stable. But when we’re constantly filling up our brain with dopamine by reaching for alcohol or even the TV remote, we set our brain’s balance off, says Anna. To try and restore the balance, our brain pumps out chemicals to lower our moods…but it doesn’t really know when it’s reached the right threshold. This leads us to feel chronically depressed and anxious as a result of our addictive behavior, Anna explains.

This search for pleasure developed as humans tried to survive bleak conditions, and needed that dopamine to go on, she tells us in the episode. But as we became pleasure-seeking creatures, we started to get a little too good at it! Now, instead of wandering through the forest, scavenging for food with enough sugar and fat to keep us alive, we can drive through McDonalds and get burgers in sodas in less than ten minutes. Instead of waiting for the sparkle of the stars to stimulate our minds, we can flip on a screen at any moment and watch whatever we want.

We are programmed to search for pleasure as though we are still in a place of scarcity, even though we live in abundance. Dr. Lembke describes us as cactuses in the rainforest! This leads our whole mental balance to fall out of place, especially for teenagers whose minds are still developing. So how can we fix it? Dr. Lembke and I discuss solutions in the episode.

Treating a Depressed Teen

Nowadays, when teens are feeling blue, we tend to prescribe them an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. But this may not be the answer, says Dr. Lembke. In the episode, she explains that while these medicines can be helpful and even life changing, they really only work in the short term. There is almost no reliable evidence to support the idea that these medications are helpful when taken for months or even years, she says. The problem is that users of these drugs begin to build a tolerance to them, making them ineffective, or even harmful if they set off the brian’s natural balance.

A lot of times, teens who are dependent on an addictive substance or behavior might not be open to letting that behavior go, Anna explains. They might believe that the behavior is helping them feel less depressed or anxious, when really it’s the cause of the problem! Anna explains how humans are born with brilliant storytelling abilities, and we often harness that ability to create elaborate and convincing rationales for our own destructive behavior. For teens who aren’t yet seeing the physical effects of their addictive behavior, it’s even harder to see a reason to stop indulging.

Anna usually advises most of her patients to do one single thing–lay off their destructive habit for 30 days. This allows their brain to restore its natural chemical balance, free from the dopamine overload caused by that addictive behavior. If your teen has been spending too much time playing Fortnite or scrolling through Instagram, it might help to suggest that they delete it for a month, and see if their mood improves!

Obviously, it’s not super likely that your teen will be incredibly receptive to this suggestion. In the episode, Anna and I discuss how you can get teens to open up to the idea of dropping their addictive behavior.

Helping Teens Improve Their Habits

It’s not easy to talk to a teen out of a bad habit. Half the time, they just shut the door in your face, or throw some hurtful words at you to get you to go away. If we're going to figure out how to get through to them, we’ll have to talk to someone who’s an expert at talking to avoidant addicts and helping those who don’t want to help themselves! Luckily, Anna is here to give us some expert tips so we can have productive discussions with teens instead of scaring them off.

To get kids to think critically, Anna recommends invoking the idea of the future. Teenagers who are behaving impulsively might benefit from thinking about where they’re at and where they want to be. Young people are especially likely to search for immediate gratification without thinking about future consequences. Dr. Lembke suggests asking them questions like: do you want to keep vaping like that for the rest of your life? Or, do you want to play video games this much when you’re twenty five? This might prompt them to shift their perspective by causing them to think about their life’s direction.

Anna also emphasizes the importance of keeping your own parental emotions out of the discussion. This kind of serious conversation should happen...

Ep 171: Instilling Compassion for Principled Teens Jan 02, 2022

Dexter Dias, author of The Ten Types of Human, offers insight on the personality “apps” that drive human behavior. Plus, how to instill compassion and help your teen avoid burning out their kindness!

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When we’re bombarded with some of the terrifying stuff on the news these days, we might find ourselves wishing there were more compassionate people in the world. Luckily, If we can raise the next generation to be considerate, kind and morally educated, we might be able to steer our society in a better direction. That being said, it’s no easy task to teach teenagers to practice empathy!

This week, we’re talking all about compassion–how we can help teens develop it, and why they’re often at risk of losing it. To get to the bottom of what it really means to be compassionate, we’re diving deep into the psychology and evolutionary development that defines our empathetic impulses. By doing this, we can go beyond just telling teens to be nice; we can teach them to think critically about their own social behavior.

We’re welcoming Dexter Dias to the show this week! Dexter is a barrister (the British version of a lawyer), involved in some of the most prominent human rights cases in recent years. He’s facing issues like terrorism, murder, crimes against humanity and more. Dexter’s a prize winning scholar of Cambridge university, a visiting researcher at Harvard and has written reports to the United Nations! All of this work defending vulnerable people as well as studying human behavior has taught him a thing or two about the ways we empathize with one another.

In our interview, Dexter and I are talking about how humans can sometimes burn out when they’re expressing compassion left and right–and how you can teach yourself and your teen to avoid this problem. Plus, we’re discussing evolutionary development to understand why we sometimes let our compassion be overridden by our need to fit in.

The Challenges of Being Compassionate

Although we know our teens are good people, actually practicing compassion every day can be pretty tough for their growing minds. As you may recall, the halls of high school can be vicious...meaning that teens aren’t always as nice to their peers as they could be. Dexter explains in the episode that the socially vicious behavior of adolescents is largely a result of unconscious activity in their minds, triggered by cues they may not even be aware of.

In fact, our behavior is so controlled by these subconscious impulses that we don’t even need to be able to see others to feel triggered by them. Dexter and I discussed research featuring blind patients which demonstrated that our neural systems are able to pick up aspects of human conduct and behavior without even viewing them. Dexter and I chat more about the implications of this fascinating study in the episode!

Dexter describes one of these subconscious impulses–the fear of ostracism–as one the driving forces of human behavior….especially teenage behavior! Humans have a deep need to belong, explains Dexter, a need which developed as we evolved through time. When our ancestors were faced with danger, being part of a group gave them a better chance at survival. Nowadays, this survival technique still lingers, and is particularly strong among teenagers still finding their way.

But is it really that big of a deal if your teen finds themselves excluded from the lunch table? Yes, according to Dexter! He explains that the pain caused by rejection is just as strong as physical pain, because it comes from the same neural activity. Not to mention that In our modern world social media causes teens to be conscious of their social standing 24 hours a day. The anxiety about fitting in follows them home from school, and is present in every like and follower they recieve–or don’t receive.

This intense desire to fit in with our peers can cause people to do some frankly terrible things. As a human rights lawyer, Dexter sees the connection between some of the world's worst atrocities and our fear of ostracism. If we’re going to be compassionate and teach our kids to do the same, Dexter says we’ll have to overcome this deeply rooted need for approval from others. In the episode, he explains that the focus needs to shift from changing the attitude of individuals to really transforming our culture as a whole.

Although this fear of not belonging is one of the greatest risks to our compassion, there are others. Dexter explains that we can often become emotionally overwhelmed, causing our compassion to suffer. But don’t fret, there are solutions!

Handling Compassion Overload

When we open ourselves up to being compassionate to others, we can sometimes find ourselves facing a lot of stress. Dexter explains how this is often a problem for him in his work as a human rights lawyer. Although he wants to help those in need, it can be tough seeing the injustices of the world and feeling like you’re up against the impossible. Front line workers like social workers, nurses and aids often find themselves the most at risk of this feeling, but it can happen to any of us. Something as simple as volunteering at a food bank can cause this overwhelming stress at the state of the world!

Dexter warns that this feeling can lead to serious burn out if not treated or prevented. To keep compassionate teens from losing steam, he explains that they’ve sometimes got to put themselves first. Although it might seem contradictory, taking care of ourselves is the only way we’ll have the energy to care for others! Dexter recommends reflecting and practicing discipline to make sure you and your teen are watching our own health and happiness along with the wellbeing of others.

In the episode, Dexter and I also talk about how we can work on being aware of the injustices of the world without becoming so sad or angry that we’re incapable of helping the vulnerable. He and I discussed a study in which participants were exposed to disturbing images of those in need. By measuring their reactions, Dexter explains that the participants were found to have serious physiological distress, simply as a result of viewing suffering.

But when prompted to think critically about how they could improve the situation they saw on screen, they were found to experience the effects at a lower frequency. By changing their perspective to one of productivity and action, they were able to increase their capacity for compassion. In our interview, Dexter and I talk more about how we can bring this perspective into everyday life.

Evolutionarily, humans developed to stick in small groups, meaning our compassion can only stretch so far before it suffers. As we’ve developed as a species, we’ve mostly lived in small groups, far apart from one another–much different from our modern urban, city-dwelling way of life. This means that in our everyday life, our ability to be compassionate is tested by interacting with so many people! In the episode, Dexter explains how one hundred and fifty is the magical number of people we can hold compassion for. Any more than that and we get overwhelmed!

One way of combating this is keeping compassion local, Dexter explains. Many people find themselves m...

Ep 170: The Effects of Screentime and How to Deal with It Dec 26, 2021

Alex J. Packer, author of Slaying Digital Dragons, joins us for a look at technology’s effects on our physical, mental, and social health, and how we can control our own tech use, and not let it control us!

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For parents, technology can be quite the headache. We want kids to stay connected to the world, but is their iphone distracting them from school? Is all the time spent on social media making them depressed or anxious? Should we be limiting their screen time, blocking websites or supervising them while they’re scrolling through Tik Tok? At this point, it’s tempting to just throw their phones in the trash and forbid them from going on the computer at all!

But if we try to set rules or even just tell them to put the phone down, they’re suddenly slamming the door in our faces or rolling their eyes. Even when we have the best intentions, trying to monitor teen’s tech use can turn into a cycle of nagging and arguing. If we’re going to escape all the bickering, we’ve got to convince teens to make the change for themselves, instead of trying to force them to budge.

Our guest this week is not only an expert on how screens are affecting budding minds, but also has some seriously smart tips for talking to teens about it all. Alex J. Packer spent 14 years as President and CEO of FCD Educational Services, the leading nonprofit providing drug education and substance abuse prevention services for schools across the world. His new book,Slaying Digital Dragons: Tips and Tools for Protecting Your Body, Brain, Psyche, and Thumbs from the Digital Dark Side, touches on a new kind of addiction–the compulsive use of screens in our society, particularly amongst young adults.

In our interview, we’re diving deep into the harmful effects of tech on teens, and getting into how to help kids cleanse themselves of toxic tech habits.

Why We Should Be Worried About Teens’ Tech Use

Although you may have heard about the negative effects of too much screen time, it can be easy to just dismiss these ideas as myths. If your teen doesn’t seem to be struggling with anything as a result of their new iphone, should you really be worried? According to Alex, you definitely should be. In our interview, he’s laying out several concerning effects of too much tech use–some social, some physical, some psychological and some emotional!

One of the most commonly discussed conundrums of the social media age is the tendency for young adults (and everyone else) to become rather obsessed with online popularity and image. Teens have been concerned with popularity since teenagerhood was invented, but social media has taken the adolescent quest for social status from the high school halls right into your child’s bedroom, says Alex. Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat cause teens to think about their status 24/7, by constantly reminding them about likes, shares and followers. No wonder our kids are so stressed out!

There are also plenty of physical effects brought about by all the screen time. Teens (and parents!) can suffer from intense eye strain from spending so much time staring at their tiny phone screens. Alex also explains an issue he calls “tech neck” or the pain, soreness, and bad posture we experience as a result of hunching over our laptops and ipads. There’s the possibility of pain in hand and fingers, but most concerning of all to Alex is the risk to our sleep. In the episode, he explains further why we should be very worried about the effects of screens on our ability to sleep.

The constant stimulation of screens is also a consistent psychological problem, says Alex. It tends to trigger our fight or flight response, which activates our nervous system. Continuously aggravating our body this way leads to chronic stress, which not only affects our bodily health, but our minds as well. Teens might find themselves struggling to focus or remember things, leading their academic performance to falter.

Plus, Alex says there’s science to suggest that having so many devices is affecting teens’ social skills. Research shows that teenagers these days aren’t as comfortable socializing face to face. They aren't as capable of solving conflict or expressing themselves, Alex explains. In the episode, Alex and I discuss how this can become a cycle: teens don’t socialize in person, and find socializing online easier...meaning they are discouraged from talking to peers in the real world and continue chatting on the internet instead.

Now that we’re familiar with the problems tech can cause our teens, Alex helps us discover some solutions!

Getting Teens to Actually Talk About Tech

It can be pretty tricky to have constructive talks with teens about anything, but their phones and computers are an especially tough topic. Teens tend to dislike the suggestion that they should lay off their screens for any amount of time! Trying to restrict the sites they visit can also be challenging, as teens are pretty determined to have as much independence as possible.

Alex suggests shifting energy away from the power struggle, and instead attempting to create a partnership around tech use. Teenagers will never react well to someone trying to establish control, says Alex. Instead, if you can get teens to understand that you’re on their side, you’ll be much more successful, he explains.

To start, Alex recommends asking teens some questions to prompt them to think critically about the ways they use their devices. Do they find that they struggle to sleep after using their computers late at night? How often do they look at their phones when they're socializing with friends in person? Do they tend to look towards their tech when they’re sad or bored? And does it really make them feel better….or do they just end up feeling worse? These questions are some of the first steps teens can take to becoming increasingly self aware about their technology use.

It can also be really helpful to educate teens about the effects of too much tech. They may not realize how much their bodies and minds are being shaped by the technology they use every single day. Once parents explain, teens might make the connection between their own habits and their lack of sleep, or their frequent anxiety, says Alex.

In the episode, Alex explains how teens can perform what he calls an “app-endectomy”. This is a multi-step process teens can use to cleanse themselves to their toxic tech habits. It starts with teens asking reflective questions about their tech use to understand where they might be going wrong. Then Alex recommends they set one achievable goal, so as not to overwhelm themselves–like aiming to put their phone away two hours before bedtime every night. Alex explains the next steps to this proven method in our interview!

He emphasizes that teens tend to model the behavior of parents. This means that if parents are on their phones at the dinner table, kids will be too. If you want to create a certain culture around technology in your home, Alex suggests starting by exhibiting healthy patterns yourself!

In the Episode…

There are so many useful tips for parents to tackle tech in this week’s episode! On top of the ideas mentioned above, we talk about:

Why the i...

Ep 169: How Early Could Your Teen Retire? Dec 19, 2021

Dan Sheeks, author of First to a Million, gives us a run-down of what early financial independence could look like for your teen and how they can get started on their journey. It’s not about making enough money to laze around all day—it’s about having more options.

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Do you ever wish you learned smart financial planning earlier in life? Maybe if you’d just had some more information, you could have that sports car you’ve always fantasized about...or maybe you would’ve just avoided making some rough mistakes! In order to set our teens on a better path, it might be wise to get them started on a financial education while they’re still under our roofs–so that when they step into adult life, they’ll pay bills and crunch numbers like a boss.

The only problem is….kids don’t want to talk about money. They’d love to talk to you about the things they want to buy. But when it comes to investing, saving or planning, you might as well be talking to a wall. How can we get kids excited to learn more about their personal finances?

Dan Sheeks is here to answer that question and many more! He’s a high school business teacher and author of the new book, First to a Million: a Teenagers Guide to Early Financial Independence. Dan’s been teaching business to teens for nearly two decades, making him pretty qualified to give financial advice to you and your kids. He knows just how to make finance palatable to teens, and all the juicy secrets for making money while you’re young!

In our interview, we’re talking about what we can say to teens to get them interested in financial planning. Plus, Dan is explaining the difference between real and false assets, outlining different kinds of debt, revealing how teens can get a “next level” job, and much, much more. This episode is bursting with great financial advice for both teens and parents!

Getting Teens To Care About Their Finances

Although kids may seem bored by discussions of dollars and cents, they probably aren’t tired of telling you their dreams. And it’s pretty likely that their dreams include travelling, making art or accomplishing things outside a 9-5 job. Even if teens do aspire to be lawyers or doctors, it might be because they’ve been conditioned to think this way their entire life, says Dan. He encourages parents to sit down with kids and ask them what they’d like to do with their lives, especially if money wasn’t a factor.

When prompted with questions like these, Dan finds that many of his students express frustration with what’s expected of them. They don’t want to be on a preset path for forty or fifty years; they want the freedom to explore, try new things and pursue their passions. Although it may seem impossible for them to have all this and still have a stable income, Dan believes the contrary. With Dan’s advice, teens might just be able to have it all.

Dan’s methods for saving money can help kids follow the path they dream of–making finance seem much more fascinating to them! If you can frame smart money-planning in a way that helps teens realize they can have their cake and eat it too, they’re much more likely to lend an ear when it’s time to chat about equity, savings accounts, index funds and tax breaks.

But how is this possible? How can we make our money work in our favor? Well, Dan is giving us some expert advice this week to help both you and your teen make smart decisions and unlock the life you deserve.

Assets, Debt, and Jobs (Oh My!)

You may know a thing or two about assets, but did you know there are two different kinds? Dan explains in the episode the difference between false assets and real assets. No, false assets are not a scam...although they may cause you to lose money over time! False assets are assets that depreciate in value, meaning that by the time you sell them, they might not be worth as much as you bought them for. A car is a good example. Dan tells us in the interview about the incredible value of real assets over fake ones.

When it comes to losing money, Dan believes that not all debt is bad. Although debt like student loans and credit card debt are definitely not good, there are also ways a person can accumulate debt that will actually benefit them in the end! Dan recommends that teens look into the possibility of debt if it comes with purchasing a piece of property. Although they may find themselves paying off the purchase over time, they can also rent it out and not only make payments, but turn a profit! In this case, Dan believes it’s wise for teens to consider taking on some debt.

For teens getting a head start thinking about money, jobs are definitely on the table...but Dan thinks teens shouldn’t just go for any old job. In the episode, he explains the concept of a “next level job”, or a job kids can get now to help set them up for success later. This depends on what kids hope to do with their future, but it could be anything from a secretary in an office to an unpaid internship. As long as it’s getting kids prepared for their future, it’s better than a simple part time employment that doesn’t round out their life, says Dan.

All this talk of assets and debt makes it seem like the only thing there is to do is spend…but what about saving? In our interview, Dan drops some expert tips for teens to save money the right way.

Secrets to Successful Saving

Dan doesn’t believe in budgeting. Well, ok, he’s not against it...but in the interview, he explains that it’s wiser to track expenses then create a fixed limit for doling out funds. When we create spending limits, we too often tend to start thinking of them as spending goals...and then we find ourselves going out to dinner one last time before the end of the month just to fulfill our $100 restaurant budget! Instead, he suggests we look at how much we naturally spend and see where we can cut down.

In order to make the most of saving accounts, Dan recommends teens open up three different ones. That’s right, three accounts! One for emergencies, in case they fall out of a tree or crash their car. Another for future investments like a house can be helpful. And finally, Dan recommends having a third savings account for fun stuff! It’s not wrong to want to vacation in Costa Rica for a week or two, says Dan, and we should be able to save accordingly. He suggests teens create an automatic income transfer system, so that their money goes into those accounts on it’s own.

But what about investing? Should teens be risking their money in the stock market with the possibility of multiplying their cash? Maybe not, says Dan. Although the stock market can be lucrative, Dan suggests most people, including teens, simply stick some money in an index fund and leave it to collect compound interest, instead of throwing money around into different companies. Unless you’ve got the next Warren Buffet under your roof, Dan recommends teens play it safe when it comes to stocks.

In the Episode…

If you’re looking for some seriously sound financial advice for your family, this is the episode for you! On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

Why early financial independence is so valuable
What “house hacking” is and why you should know about it
How to talk to kids about the cost of college
Why we should always pay ourselves before our bills.

If you want to find so...

Ep 168: Having Race Conversations Dec 12, 2021

Matthew R Kay, author of Not Light, But Fire, shares his vast wealth of knowledge on how to have productive discussions about race. As an educator and speaker, Matthew is well-versed in what to avoid and what to move toward in conversations.

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You know you have to discuss race....but you’re not sure where to start. With everything going on in the news and centuries of history to cover, there’s quite a bit to talk about. You might feel like you’re unauthorized or just woefully unprepared. What if you say the wrong thing, or your teen asks a question you don’t know the answer to? With all the uncertainty, it can be tempting to just skip the topic of race altogether.

But if we don’t encourage kids to think critically about racism, they may grow up ignorant to prejudice in their community. They might not be able to identify microaggressions, or might not think about a certain language before they use it. Plus, with all the information floating around on social media these days, kids might just learn about race from unreliable sources when they could be having a productive conversation about it with a trusted parent!

To help us crack the code to race conversations with teens, we’re sitting down with Matthew R. Kay, author of Not Light But Fire: How to Lead Meaningful Race Conversations in the Classroom. Matthew’s one of the founding English teachers at the Science Leadership Academy in Philadelphia, as well as the founder of a Philly slam poetry league! As a teacher, he’s had countless conversations about race in his classroom–leading him to learn what works and what doesn’t.

Matthew and I are discussing how you can create a safe space for kids to open up about intense issues like race. Plus, we’re talking about how you can keep the conversation in check so it doesn’t go off the rails, even when you and your teen have some differences of opinion.

Creating a Space for Talks About Race

When it’s time to get into a tricky topic, it’s pretty easy to declare your home to be a safe space for teens to open up. But talk is cheap! If you really want to make teens feel comfortable being vulnerable, you’ve got to go beyond just your words and provide a safe space with your actions, says Matthew.

One of the most important steps to creating a comfortable environment is making sure everyone feels listened to. In our interview, Matthew explains how teens often come to him saying they feel like adults just don’t listen! With our endlessly busy lives full of errands, work meetings and carpools, it can be hard to find the time to really listen to what teens have to say. But if we really want teens to feel comfortable sitting down with us to discuss race or other heavy topics, we’ve got to put in the work to let them know we’re really listening, says Matthew.

But what makes a good listener? Matthew and I dive into the art of listening in the episode. Although we might think we are just naturally endowed with our listening skills, there are actually concrete steps we can take to become better at receiving and digesting information. Matthew encourages parents to police their own voice, meaning making sure that in a discussion between you and your kids, you’re not the only one talking!

In Matthew’s classroom, creating rich relationships between the students is a priority–and one of the ways he ensures that everyone feels comfortable sharing. It’s hard to be vulnerable with somebody you don’t know! That’s why he sets structures in place to make sure kids really get to know each other before they dive into complicated discussions or sensitive topics. As a parent, you might want to practice a similar strategy, he says. By building that relationship beforehand, you can create a safe space and allow teens to feel that they can tell you anything.

In the episode, Matthew and I discuss ways you can make teens feel comfortable when it is time to actually have that serious talk. It can be helpful to ensure that you and your teen are sitting or standing at the same eye level, Matthew explains. This creates an equitable balance of power between the two of you, and prevents your teen from feeling as though you’re passing judgement on them! Matthew also shares why you shouldn’t ask kids to “sit down” before diving into the discussion in the episode.

Once you feel you’ve created the comfortable space teens need, having the conversation is another tricky task entirely! But with some tips from Matthew, you can go into the conversation feeling confident.

Conducting a Race Conversation

It’s easy for things to get heated when talking about race–especially if you and your teen have differences of opinion. But if the two of you can keep the discussion more scholarly and less emotional, Matthew says the two of you can learn from one another. In his classroom, he tries to keep these kinds of talks more research and inquiry based, instead of just having kids blurt out opinions. This helps teens get into more productive and deliberate discussion instead of just throwing around baseless claims.

Matt also really encourages sequential discussion, meaning that every talk you have with your teen builds on the last. This gives teens (and parents) time in between to think critically about these nuanced topics. It allows them to fabricate sophisticated perspectives instead of coming to simple conclusions! Matthew believes that one of the biggest issues with our school system’s approach to education about race is this lack of sequentiality. We throw kids disconnected discussions about Martin Luther King or police brutality, but don’t give them the tools to make a timeline!

When starting up a talk about race, Matthew emphasizes really paying attention to the prompt you choose to spark the discussion. If you ask kids a complex question that requires them to provide examples to prove their point, they’ll be forced to look past black and white answers. Plus, if you can push them to examine the other side’s viewpoint and perspective, you might just find that they’re able to consider the layers of complexity that lay behind issues of race, says Matthew.

This is a helpful technique that helps us avoid the common tendency to shift things into an “I’m right, you’re wrong” argument, Matthew explains. Too often, parents and teens both fall into a pattern of trying to convince the other to believe in their own point, making it into a win or lose situation, when it shouldn’t be! In the episode, Matthew doles out some tips to keep you from falling into this pattern.

In the Episode…

I’m so grateful that I was able to sit down with Matthew today to get some tips on having conversations about race. It’s something so many of us are eager to do, but find ourselves struggling with just how to do it. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

What “house talk” is and how to use it
How you can give more meaningful compliments
Why you shouldn’t rush through conversions about race
How to get quiet kids to speak up
Why we should talk about “The Jefferson Dismissal”

If you enjoyed listening to this episode, there’s more great stuff from Matthew on notlight.com, including articles, information about his book and ways you can contact him directly. Don’t forget to subscribe and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 167: What Self-Directed Learning Can Do for Teens Dec 05, 2021

Diane Tavenner, author of Prepared and founder of Summit Public Schools, joins us to shed light on the practical to-dos she has learned from running some of the highest ranked public schools in the United States.

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When it comes to our kids’ education, we don’t want to cut corners. We want them to have access to a thorough, fulfilling schooling so that they’ll have a bright future! However, today’s school system often fails to meet our expectations. Teens are shuffled through a long day of sitting in a classroom, doing what they’re told, with almost no personal connection to what they’re learning. No wonder so many of them are falling behind or finding themselves woefully unprepared for college!

Although it may seem like there’s no way to combat this problem, our guest today thinks otherwise. The trick, she believes, is to flip the script and put teens behind the driver’s seat of their own education. If we’re encouraging kids to push themselves forward instead of constantly forcing them to budge, we might actually see them make some real progress! It won’t be easy, but it will be well worth it.

This week, we’re talking with someone who’s putting in work everyday to revolutionize education. Diane Tavenner is the co-founder and CEO of Summit Public Schools, a nationally recognized system of charter schools that has been praised across the board–including being ranked in American News and World Report as some of the best high schools in the United States! She’s here to talk about some key ideas from her book, Prepared: What Kids Need for a Fulfilled Life.

In the episode, Diane and I are telling you how you can help your teen take charge of their own education, and figure out what they want to do with their life! Plus, we’re shelling out quick and easy mindfulness practices that you and your teen can both practice on an everyday basis to boost motivation.

How Teens Can Drive Their Own Education

When Diane and four other teachers decided to start up a charter school, they first had to draw up some principles that would guide their classrooms. They reflected on their own experiences struggling through the poorly designed public school system as teachers. Together, they realized that one of the most troubling aspects of most schools was the passivity of the student experience! Instead of pushing kids to set goals based on their own interests, schools expected kids to complete worksheets full of rote memorization and take classes they didn’t care about.

Diane, along with Summit’s other founders, decided that their school would emphasize the students’ personal ownership of their education. Instead of teaching compliance, like most public schools, they would teach independence! This didn’t come easy, however. Diane has frequently been challenged by Summit’s students to shift her perspective towards a student-driven model.

In one case, Diane was confronted with a student who was doing so poorly that he simply wasn’t going to be able to graduate. Frustrated, she and the student’s parents made a list of all the things they could do to help get the student back on track. By the time they were done, however, they realized they hadn’t even consulted the student at all! Because we’re so used to a school system totally controlled by adults, we forget just how integral it is for students to make choices about how they’re learning.

In the episode, we talk about how you can bring this principle into your own home to encourage your teen to be intentional about their learning. But what about beyond school? Diane and I also talk about helping your teen find out what they want to do with their future.

Helping Teens Find Their Purpose

Even if teens are active in their own education, it doesn’t mean they are sure about their direction! It’s hard to pick a path when you’ve barely experienced the world yet...and it doesn’t help that we constantly ask kids what they “want to be when they grow up” from the time they're old enough to talk. Luckily, Diane has some great tips for helping teens narrow down their career journey and find their calling.

Diane calls on parents to help teens find their “ings”. This process involves guiding teens to define the activities that they enjoy, that they’re good at or that make them feel purposeful–like writing, coding, dancing, teaching, etc! When we ask teens to pick a career, we’re often asking them to pigeonhole themselves into something they likely know nothing about, says Diane. Many students go into college or even graduate college with no connection to their degree. Instead, figuring out the things they are driven to do can help them find a meaningful pursuit.

For some teens, this can also include defining the “ings” they don’t resonate with. In the episode, she tells the story of a student who was lucky enough to score his dream coding internship...only to find out he hated coding. Although he initially viewed this as a failure, he eventually came to see how this perceived disappointment acted as a lesson! Instead of trying to fit into a box he didn’t belong in through adult life, he came to realize that coding was not his destiny. He did find that he enjoyed “ings” like collaborating, setting him on a new career path.

By encouraging your teen to do some self reflection, you can help them be more intentional in their own education. It is important to note, however, that setting intentions is one thing but keeping to them is another! In our interview, Diane is sharing some simple practices to make every day life more intentional for both you and your teen.

How Mindfulness Can Boost Motivation

You may have been intrigued by the idea of mindfulness, but can’t commit to hours of meditation or long morning yoga classes. With all the stress of life, it can feel like these relaxing practices are just another thing we have to pencil in after work. However, with the right methods, you and your family can incorporate mindful practices in everyday life. Helping your teens take time out of their day to reflect can be a helpful aide to their education process too, says Diane.

Diane and I talk about a process called “check-in, check-out”. Instead of requiring lots of time and effort and throwing off your daily schedule, this practice simply involves taking five minutes at the beginning of the day and five at the end. In the morning, Diane encourages us to “check-in”: set some intentions for the day, think about how we feel, and set ourselves in the present. At the end of the day, as we’re winding down, she recommends that we “check-out”, or process our feelings about the day, evaluate whether or not we met our intentions, and think about what we are going to do tomorrow!

This basic practice can help us get in touch with ourselves instead of staring at our devices! It also helps us keep our goals in mind, and live our best lives. Diane suggests that parents introduce this concept to teens, and even invite them to share their results with you. Teens often feel like we don’t listen, says Diane, and showing that you care can help the two of you strengthen your connection. Plus, this practice may help them think critically about their education goals, and whether or not they’ve been met!

In the Episode…

I learned so much from Diane this week, and I know you will too! There’s so many great tips for parents in this epis...

Ep 166: How to Harness the Voice in Your Head Nov 28, 2021

Dr. Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, briefs us on his research on internal chatter: what it is, why it matters, and how to help your teen harness it before it gets out of control.

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Full show notes

There’s a lot to be worried about these days! Whether you’re feeling anxious about the ongoing pandemic or just concerned that your teen is struggling in school, it’s easy to let distress clutter your mind. When we let that anxiety crawl around in our brain, we often find ourselves distracted from the better moments in life, thinking obsessively about a work meeting when we’re supposed to be spending quality time with our families.

Interestingly, that voice inside our head–the one that’s always muttering about the past and the future–can be useful, if we know how to harness it. This inner dialogue comes from an evolutionary need to learn from past mistakes to survive the next challenge, and can help us immensely when tackling life’s challenges! If parents can learn to steer this voice in a positive direction, they can help teens do the same. That way, these young adults will know how to handle that tricky inner dialogue before they head off into the real world.

Our guest this week is one of the world’s leading experts on controlling the conscious mind as well as an award-winning professor of psychology and business at the University of Michigan! His name is Ethan Kross, and his new book is calledChatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It. In our interview, Ethan and I are getting into how and why we talk to ourselves, and what we can do to make the most of our inner voice.

In this week’s interview, we’re discussing the idea of being “present”...and why it doesn’t always help us feel better. Plus, we’re diving into tons of other strategies for harnessing your inner voice that might be the perfect solution to that constant worrying!

What is “Chatter?”

Before we can learn to make the most of our mental chatter, we’ve got to know where it comes from! Ethan explains how this persistent voice in our heads was built in to help us make predictions about the future and learn from the past. For some people, it’s stronger than others, and it serves a different purpose for each of us, says Ethan. It can help us prepare for important speeches at work or a terrifying first date. It boosts our working memory, allowing us to keep phone numbers or passwords in our head. It even helps us define who we are and build a stronger sense of self!

However, if we don’t learn to use it for good, we might end up worrying about the future or ruminating on the past. When we’re trying to watch a movie with our families, we might find ourselves obsessing over tomorrow's work meeting or paying the electricity bill. Or maybe we’re thinking so much about a mistake we made in a past relationship that we’re too scared to enter a new one. With some help from Ethan, however, we’re giving you some tips this week to help keep that chatter under control when you don’t want it running through your head.

Have you ever been told that you should live in the present? This is a common way people tend to grapple with chatter, as it helps them stop worrying about what came before or what will happen next. However, Ethan says this doesn't work for everyone. Some people need that chatter to plan or reflect and, and won’t find being “present” to be very helpful! In the episode, we’re covering plenty of other tools you or your teen can use–and you might just find that one of them works especially well for you or your family!

How Can We Keep Chatter Under Control?

Say your teen is preparing for a big game and is pretty overwhelmed with the voice inside their head. Or maybe they’re really worried about getting into UCLA, to the point where they’re struggling to pay attention to anything else. You want to help them manage their internal voice...but you’re not sure how! Don’t fear–Ethan is here to help you manage your teen’s chatter by giving us a few tips.

The first solution you might think of is encouraging them to vent their feelings. However, Ethan brings up some fascinating research that might surprise you. Several studies have found that when someone is dealing with intense negative feelings, venting them to someone often actually makes them feel worse! If they just share their misery without adopting a strategy to feel better, they’re perspective on the situation will only become more dismal.

Instead, Ethan emphasizes the importance of venting to someone who will help you reframe the situation in a more positive light, or provide solutions to the conflict at hand. Instead of just reinforcing your stress or sadness, this can actually help you move forward! If you’re talking to a teen, Ethan recommends listening and digesting what they have to say, and then asking patiently if they want to receive some advice. Every teen needs a different amount of time to vent before they receive some constructive assistance, but receiving that guidance can be a lot more helpful than just listening!

There are a few other interesting, even counterintuitive ideas about handling chatter that Ethan shares in this episode.

More Tips for Managing Chatter

Have you ever found yourself worried about an upcoming job interview or a court date and suddenly...you just have to clean out your linen closet? Or maybe it’s the fridge that suddenly needs four hours of organization. Ethan explains how when we feel like we don’t have control internally, we try to control our external environment to compensate. Although it may sound avoidant, Ethan says that it can actually be a really helpful way to lighten our mental load.

Similarly, participating in rituals can help you feel more in control. These rituals could be daily, like doing yoga in the mornings, or weekly, like watching a movie with your kids on Saturday nights. By keeping to the structure, the predictability helps keep chatter in line, says Ethan. These periods of time help your mind reset and help you return to chatter with a clearer and more intentional mindset. In our interview, Ethan and I discuss how these rituals exist across every culture in one form or another, helping people stay calm amongst the chatter.

In the episode, Ethan and I also talk about an interesting technique that helps teens get some distance from the voice in their head. If your teen is struggling to emotionally process something that happened in the past and finds their mind overrun with chatter, it can be useful for them to try and separate themselves from it. One way they can do this is examine what happened, but refer to themselves in the third person. Ethan explains this further in the episode! The technique helps teens find a more objective perspective and see a path to a solution that isn’t guided by all the chatter.

During the interview, we go deeper into distancing, even discussing how giving your kid a cape and asking them to assume a role of a superhero can help! And although distance can make things feel a little clearer, Ethan reminds us that we shouldn’t distance ourselves from joyful events! Those happy times with our kids can be some of life’s brightest moments.

In the Episode...

I loved sitting down with Ethan this week to talk about how we can change our internal voice to be more positive–especially when there’s so much to worry about these...

Ep 165: Secrets to a Better Connection Nov 21, 2021

David Bradford, PhD, co-author of Connect, shares his insights for how to create a deeper, more meaningful connection with your teen by tweaking communication.

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Full show notes

We often hear that the secret to a healthy relationship of any kind is communication...but what does that really mean? Does it mean apologizing when we feel we’ve messed up, or daring to discuss uncomfortable topics? Are there certain things we shouldn’t say, and how do we know when we’re communicating too much? How do we get teens who are checked out to actually hear what we’re saying? These questions and more are keeping us from having an open, communicative relationship with our teens.

But when bad communication causes so many problems, it’s understandable that you might be hesitant. When you’re feeling frustrated or upset with your teen, certain ways of communicating can deepen the divide between the two of you instead of building a bridge. Teens who are dealing with pressures from every side of life can sometimes drive us up the wall–and despite our best efforts, we too often let our communication fall into a pattern of yelling, nagging and not really listening to what they have to say.

This week, we’re helping you fight the tendency to slip into all the fussing and fighting. By giving you the guidance to create a healthier, more communicative relationship with your teen, our hope is to bring some harmony to your home. Our guest is David Bradford, professor at Stanford’s graduate school of business and author of Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues. David’s been teaching a seminar at Stanford on interpersonal dynamics for two decades, and he’s here to share some of the most valuable insights from his work with us.

David and I are discussing why teens often refuse to hear anything we have to say, and how we can open up a stronger, more positive channel of communication between us and them. We’re providing alternatives to giving advice, which, according to David, in’ts as effective as we think! Plus, we’re discussing what David calls the “three realities of communication” to uncover why our misunderstandings can so often lead to hurt feelings or accusations.

When Teens Won’t Listen

Teens love to breeze through the front door and right into their rooms, giving you little more than an “mhhm” or a “yeah sure.” And although you might want your teen to have autonomy, there are still things you need to talk to them about! As a parent, there’s so much wisdom you can provide to protect and guide your teen–and there are likely rules that need to be followed under your roof! So how can we get through to a teen that doesn’t even seem to hear a word you say?

Say you’ve noticed your teen vaping once or twice, and you want to have a talk with them….but they keep slamming the door in your face. David explains how hard it is for teens to open up about these kinds of sensitive subjects, especially when they feel cornered. The issue lies in the power dynamic between parents and teens. In many situations outside the family, those in lower status positions almost always experience difficulty being vulnerable with their superiors, says David. Although you aren’t “superior” to your teen, you are older and likely control their finances, living situation and transportation! This makes the power dynamic a bit uneven.

To help level the playing field, David emphasizes the importance of not responding to conflict with a show of authority. If you can make it clear to your teen that you want to talk about the vape without declaring punishment or dictating rules with an iron fist, you’re more likely to have a productive conversation that they’ll actually sit through!

In our discussion on how to engage teens, David and I talk extensively in the episode about why you should stray away from giving avoidant teens advice–and ask open ended questions instead.

The Pitfalls of Giving Advice

As parents, it’s our natural urge to meet every one of our teen’s obstacles with some sage wisdom from our wonder years. If we can offer anything as a parent, it’s some meaningful advice about picking a college or surviving a breakup...right? David actually argues otherwise. In his eyes, giving advice is just another way parent’s tend to push their own beliefs, views and opinions onto kids, telling them what to do instead of prompting them to think critically and find their own solution.

Instead, David suggests asking open-ended questions. Let’s take our vape example. Now that we’ve decided not to be authoritative, say we choose to give advice. We tell them that we tried cigarettes back in our teen years, but we stopped because we didn’t want to get addicted or have serious health issues–and they should do the same. Not a bad piece of communication, but it totally neglects the fact that kids are living in a different era where even their cigarettes are electronic! Plus, it doesn’t provoke any discussion or thought on their end.

Let's say instead we ask open-ended questions, as David recommends. Questions like, what motivated you to start vaping? How does the experience make you feel? What are some other ways of getting the same sort of feeling that might be healthier? What comes to mind when you think about throwing the vape away? Now notice, these aren’t answered with just a “yes” or a “no”. They encourage kids to really process and think critically about why they’re engaging in a particular destructive behavior, and how they might discover a better way forward.

Now, no matter what you say to teens, there will always be some difference in your intention and their interpretation. David and I are tackling that discrepancy with an idea he calls the “three realities of communication.”

Why Communication Has Complications

So you decide to ask your teen some open-ended questions about the vape, questions you identify as non threatening. But they suddenly blow up, claiming all you do is try to control them and restrict their freedom. You can’t see the way they arrived at this conclusion, and try to dispute them, until the whole thing turns into a full blown argument. Now the two of you aren’t talking, and the vape situation hasn’t been discussed at all!

David breaks down this process into the different communication “realities.” The first is the intent behind the message, or your attempt to simply learn some more information about the vape. The second is the communication itself–objective details like where it happened, when it happened, and the question that was asked. The third is how the message was interpreted by the recipient–not well, in this scenario! Even though sometimes we get lucky enough to have all three fall in line, they’re never exactly the same. This can often lead to confusion, mixed signals and even hurt feelings.

To try and navigate this nuanced world of communication, David suggests a commonly used tactic you may have heard of before: using “I” statements, especially “I feel” statements. In doing this, you are making an effort to describe your subjective experience and avoid telling anyone else what their experience is–because how could you possibly know? In our interview, David elaborates on this further and shares tons of other tips for making communication more cohesive.

In the Episode…

The topics mentioned above are just the tip of the a...

Ep 164: How to Modify a Personality Nov 14, 2021

Christian Jarrett, author of Be Who You Want, brings us knowledge on the science of changing: what exactly can we change and how can we make changes stick. Plus, how to turn difficult personalities into successful ones.

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Full show notes

It’s hard to think of a group that gets labelled more than teenagers. Whether we declare them slackers, class clowns, popular kids or outcasts, it can be easy to put them in boxes based on their personalities! But have you ever considered that personalities aren’t as constant as you might think? Maybe teens’ personalities change with time as they grow or fluctuate depending on who they’re with or where they are. They might even have the power to intentionally change their own personalities if they put their minds to it.

The debate over whether human personality is stable or fluid is one that reaches back through the history of psychology. Some scientists in the past believed that our personalities were set in stone by age thirty, while others believe there’s no such thing as a set personality at all! Are our personalities decided at birth, or are they decided by the events of our lives? Do we have a role in choosing our own personality or is it something that just happens to us?

These are the kinds of questions we’re asking Christian Jarrett this week. He’s been a leading cognitive neuroscientist for two decades with work featured on the BBC, in Vice, Guardian, GQ and more! His book, Be Who You Want: Unlocking the Science of Personality Change, tackles commonly asked questions we all have about defining our personalities and changing ourselves for the better. He’s here to cover some of the most interesting points and give advice for parents of teens with rapidly changing personalities.

In our interview, Christian explains why teens are especially vulnerable to personality change! We’re also covering the effects of social situations on teens’ personalities, and how you can help your teen use certain techniques to actively work towards being the person they want to be.

Teens are Ripe for Personality Change

With their brains still developing and their minds impressionable, teens have a very high potential for personality change, says Christian. However, this can sometimes backfire! As Christian explains, there’s an interesting theory that attempts to break down teens’ personality development, called the disruptor hypothesis. According to this theory, although positive human personality growth is linear for the most part, our disposition actually regresses in the teenage years!

What does this mean, exactly? Well, as we go through life, we find ourselves “improving” our personalities–that is, becoming more conscientious, kind, patient, or mellow. But because teen’s brains and bodies are going through so many transitions, they tend to backslide a bit, becoming more prone to anger, neuroticism, or self-centeredness! Sound familiar? If your teen’s behavior is less than tolerable, this might just be a contributing factor.

Luckily, there are ways you can help teens work through these rather undesirable personality traits–whether it be narcissism, grumpiness or chronic anxiety. In the episode, Christian shares certain techniques teens can practice to channel self-centeredness to serve the greater good. He also shares methods for teens to manage a tendency towards overwhelming worry or nerves. In these ways, teens are able to have control over their personality and the way they’re perceived by others!

For teens thrust into the chaotic world of high school, social situations can be pretty intense. As a parent, you may have pretty regular concerns about the people your teen is hanging out with! In the episode, we’re talking about how friends can affect teens’ personalities.

Why Social Groups are So Influential

One of the most effective ways teens can take control of their own personalities is by managing who they hang out with. By surrounding themselves with people who have positive, uplifting energies, Christian says teens can become more optimistic themselves. By reminding teens of this and helping them be intentional about who they're spending time with, you can help your teen become a happier person!

Christian emphasizes the importance of helping teens think critically about the friends they choose to keep instead of making those decisions for them. In Christian’s work studying teen brain development, he’s found that when parents interject themselves so much into a teen's life that they’re removing obstacles, it dampens the teen’s ability to develop emotional resilience. Giving them the responsibility of choosing their own friends may seem small, but it can help as they go forward into adult life.

Interestingly, research has found that although parents do have some influence over teens, it’s nothing compared to the influence of their peers. Christian explains how external forces have the largest effect on teen’s personality. When programs are set up to rehabilitate youth, they often fail because they rely on adult role models rather than peer influence, Christian says. If we want teens to become their best selves, it might be wise to encourage them to surround themselves with the right friends!

Beyond guiding their social lives, there’s a lot parents can do to promote a positive personality change in a teen.

Guiding Teens Towards Positive Change

Since teen’s personalities are so fluid, there are ways we can push them towards uplifting changes! Christian explains how at this point in their lives, personality acts almost like a skill that can be improved with practice and a growth mindset. In fact, research has shown that when teens are given guidance and tutorials about how to deal with emotional setbacks, they’re less likely to beat themselves up or be self deprecating, instead showing resilience and optimism.

One thing Christian and I talk about is goal setting. He explains how humans actually don’t have very reliable will power, so this is something you might want to take steps to help your teen develop. Teaching them to remove temptations or plan ahead can be really positive steps in the right direction. Say their goal is to go to the gym every week, but they can’t seem to get themselves out of bed. Christian suggests they take the effort to plan out a reward for themselves after their workout, so they’ll be motivated to go.

In addition to pursuing goals, Christian encourages teens to question their goals. Is this goal causing them too much stress? How does it make them feel about themselves? Teens can often feel stuck in dead ends, so it can be good to slow them down and turn them around before they get there. Christian explains how much harder it is for teens to make changes when there’s no real motivation behind it. If they’re doing it just to do it, they might not ever get there. If they really want to become a better person, then Christian believes it’s absolutely possible.

In the Episode...

On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Why male and female personality development is different
How alcohol and marijuana affect personality
Why teens should learn to name their emotions
How to help a narcissistic teen

Thanks for listening! If you want to find more of Christian’s work you can visit his website, Christianjarret.com, where there’s...

Ep 163: Forget Hormones! What’s Going On Inside the Teen Brain? Nov 07, 2021

Dr. Sarah McKay, author of The Women’s Brain Book, demystifies the research on the brain--the difference between males and females, the impact of hormones, and why the teenage years are such an exciting time for the brain.

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Full show notes

When our middle or high schoolers are driving us up the wall, we often attribute their wacky behavior to hormones. They weren’t this crazy when they were younger, and we pray they won’t be this unpredictable as adults, so we assume it must be those teenage chemicals in their brains making them act up. It’s just a biological process, and there’s nothing we can do...right?

But attributing all of our teens’ behavior to hormones can bring up some complicated questions for parents. Like, with everything going on in her brain already, would it be wise to put my daughter on birth control? Or, is it normal, hormonal, behavior that keeps my teenager out late, causes him to drive like a maniac? What if there are other factors to consider when pondering these questions that can make things a little clearer for parents?

To find out, we’re talking to Dr. Sarah McKay, renowned neuroscientist, to find out what role hormones really play in teen’s development...and what popular ideas are actually misconceptions! Dr. McKay is an Oxford educated doctor with years of experience researching brian science. Finding herself intrigued by outdated or misconstrued ideas about the female mind, she decided to write The Women’s Brain Book, a comprehensive look at the development of women’s neural pathways.

In this week’s episode, Dr. McKay’s demystifying the role of hormones during puberty–and explaining why we give them too much weight. Plus, we’re discussing the specific brain changes our pubescent kids are experiencing, and getting into how gender stereotypes seep into what should be purely scientific perspectives of puberty.

The Truth About Hormones

Although we often think of puberty as being absolutely characterized by changes in hormones, the truth is a little more complicated, says Dr. McKay. Although teens are experiencing a switch up of hormonal activity during this tumultuous period, it's not just these hormones that are making them act up!

In the episode, Dr. McKay elaborates on how teens’ brains are constantly receiving messages from everything they do–every muscle they move, every bite they eat, or even the temperature of their body! This means that beyond just the new, puberty- induced hormonal changes going on in teen’s brains, their environment and contextual elements are constantly contributing to mood swings, anger, sadness, discomfort, etc! Puberty hormones simply dial up or dial down the emotional effects of these external influences.

By pinning everything on hormones, Dr. McKay thinks we might be furthering a particular narrative about emotion–especially for girls and women! When we chalk up mood swings or discontentment to hormonal activity, we’re only starting the common, offensive misconception that when a woman isn’t happy, it must be because it’s her “time of the month”. It can lead to the idea that a woman’s anger or concern is just her being “hysterical” or overreacting due to her, well, being a woman! As Dr. McKay emphasizes in the episode, we would rather our kids have a more sophisticated understanding of female emotion than this!

In our interview, Dr. McKay talks at length about the birth control pill and whether or not the hormonal effects are important to consider for your own teen. To continue our discussion of puberty struggles specific to the female, we’re also breaking down how our society’s commonly held beliefs about gender affect our perspectives when it comes to puberty.

How Our Idea of Gender is Too Generalized

There are a lot of gendered ideas about puberty floating around, and Dr. McKay is here to help separate fact from fiction. To start, she tackles differences between male and female brain development when it comes to mathematical thinking. Many people think that boys are able to configure complicated mathematical concepts before young women, like being able to rotate a 3D object in their minds.

Dr. McKay explains that while there may appear to be some truth to the idea if you’re looking at overall averages, it’s not necessarily reflected when studied on a case by case basis. Plus, the difference might not be a result of brain development. If we were examining a brain, Dr. McKay explains, there would be nothing indicating whether it was male or female, as the two are nearly identical. This means it’s possible that learning differences between men and women are from the way we teach them!

Dr. McKay confirms that there are some differences along gender lines when it comes to the rate of mood disorders among adolescents–but a lot of this comes from gender roles. For example, young women are more likely to talk to others about the way they’re feeling, but it can cause them to ruminate on certain problems longer than they should. This can cause depressive or anxious thoughts to become more and more ingrained until young women find themselves with a diagnosable mood disorder. Men are less likely to confide in others because they aren’t encouraged to! Instead, they’re more likely to develop anger management issues or alcoholism as a result of repression, Dr. McKay explains.

If your teen develops physically earlier or later than their peers, this can also be a gendered issue encompassing mental health, says Dr. MacKay. Young women who develop early tend to be treated as outsiders, leading them to develop anxiety or other mood disorders. Men who develop later are often looked down upon or treated as “wimpy,” leading them down a similar road, Dr. McKay says.

Dr. Mckay talks even further about gender and puberty in our interview, and brings up some seriously surprising points! In the episode, we’re also covering why adolescence is such a critical period for learning and growing, even if we don’t think of it that way.

Breaking Down the Adolescent Brain

Dr. McKay explains that there are two times when human brains are the most posed for learning–the toddler years and the teenage years! Two and three year old brains are adjusting to learn talking and walking, while the teenage brain is ripe for learning history, math, science and English as well as empathy and emotional regulation. In our discussion we talk about how we often underestimate teens’ brain power, when we should really be cheering them on!

If you’re wondering why teens can be so reactive during this period, it’s because their neural pathways are still developing, and the emotionally reactive parts are the ones that develop first! Dr. Mckay explains how more logical responses tend to arrive in a few years, when teens have refined their reactive thinking and strengthened the pathways that lead to rational responses.

One thing parents should look out for in growing teens is what Dr. McKay calls cognitive reappraisal. This is a thought process that is common for developing teenage brains that often leads to social anxiety, insecurity, or fear of rejection. Dr. McKay explains this concept further in our interview and shares how it might be affecting your teen.

In the Episode…

Dr. McKay’s bountiful experience and wisdom shines through in our interview. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

<...

Ep 162: Could You Handle an Emotional Teen? Oct 31, 2021

Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men, explains the new rigid rules for boys and how we can help our emerging men feel secure in a masculine identity. Plus, tips on how to build emotional resilience in our male teens.

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Full show notes

We’re all familiar with the term “boys will be boys.” It’s often used when guys are physical, detached, aggressive, and violent. making it seem as though these behaviors are the norm. Much of society acts as though these traditionally “masculine” tendencies are simply intrinsic to male DNA...which can make us feel like there’s nothing we can do when our sons get into trouble for it.

But what if there was a way we could talk to our boys to help them realize that this behavior is not the only option? What if we could show them that, by slowing down and thinking about the situation at hand, they may find it wiser to simply keep the peace instead of causing a ruckus? This week, we’re revealing how you can sit down with your son and prevent all the brawling before it starts, or get through to a teen boy who’s masculinity might need a makeover.

Our guest is Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency. Andrew is a professor at Towson University, where he teaches a seminar entitled “The Changing Face of Masculinity.” His work has been featured in the New York Times, the Washington Post, NPR and more. He speaks at schools and conferences around the globe...but today he’s sitting down to speak with us!

Andrew and I are discussing why it is that boys are compelled to react with violence or aggression when triggered. We’re also diving deep into the importance of vulnerability, and how we can help our sons accumulate a supportive community where they can express their emotions without fear.

Taming Toxic Masculinity

Although we often think that unruly behavior is rooted in male biology, Andrew argues the contrary. As he says in the episode, male and female brains are almost 98% identical– in his eyes, it's our cultural norms and societal pressures that push boys in the direction of violence. That means that if we take the right steps, we as parents could create a generation of men who don’t feel like they have to fight their way through life! But how can we help topple this toxic masculine mentality?

To start, Andrew explains that we have to get to the bottom of where aggressive male tendencies originate. He believes it all begins with the way we teach boys, in subtle ways, that they can’t be weak or vulnerable. Then, when someone calls them a name, cuts them off in traffic, or bumps into them in a crowd-making them feel weak–they don’t know what to do but feel ashamed! This shame provokes them to want to get the upper hand, to handle the conflict with aggression, says Andrew.

If we want to free our boys from letting shame control their lives, the first step is to have an intentional conversation, Andrew explains. It might help to remind them that when another guy insults them, or tries to rile them up...it’s not personal. Whatever's going on with that guy is not their problem! They don’t have to feel any shame–and letting them know that can make all the difference, says Andrew. If we can help them see that their strength or dignity isn’t on the line just because someone else wants to ruffle their feathers, they’ll be able to keep the peace instead of throwing fists.

Now, getting guys comfortable with vulnerability is a lot easier said than done. Andrew and I give some tips in this week’s episode to help boys feel at home with their own emotions.

Making Vulnerability Viable

Having been raised to believe they have to live up to society’s toxic masculinity standards, many young men struggle with vulnerability. They’ve been taught to associate it with weakness! It’s not always easy to help them change their way of thinking and become open to being open. However, encouraging our sons to both process and express their emotions can help them be much happier and healthier. Plus, it might even save their lives–many young men are ashamed of feeling anxious or depressed and don’t reach out for help, causing suicide rates among them to rise in recent years.

Interestingly, Andrew points out that humans cannot compartmentalize our feelings. If we repress the negative ones, we’ll also repress the positive ones, says. This keeps a lot of our boys, who feel they can’t have intense feelings, from displaying their sadness, but also their joy! Andrew and I talk about how young men often take cues from the media, the same media which shames prominent men for exhibiting deep sadness or happiness. If we want our boys to believe they can feel freely, it might be wise to encourage them to think critically about the dialogue they see about men online and in the news.

Andrew advises talking to your son through the physical and spiritual effects of emotions. Why do certain things make them angry while others make them want to jump up and down with excitement? Helping them understand and communicate the way they feel can be a great start to free emotional expression. Although it may seem odd, Andrew actually suggests that boys talk to themselves about their feelings! Sometimes, it’s the only way they feel safe to start talking things through at all!

Whether or not they’re working through things on their own, having a supportive community can help. Andrew and I talk in the episode about how you can help your son build up a safe network and share what he’s going through.

Creating a Safe Community

When we think of a group of young men who hang out regularly, we might think of a sports team, or even a group of boys who play video games together. Although these can be good sources of community for young men, Andrew talks about how there are often some elements of misogyny among these groups, or even an atmosphere of toxic competitiveness that pits guys against each other. Behaviors like trash-talking or one-upping each other are pretty common among these communities.

Oftentimes, this leads men to turn towards women or girls for deeper emotional support, whether that be a female friend, girlfriend, or a woman in their family. And while this can be helpful, Andrew emphasizes the astronomical comfort men can find from friendship with other men! Even when men have one or two close companions, they often don't feel a deep level of trust with them. If we want our boys to live emotionally healthy lives, encouraging them to be vulnerable with other guys their age can be a good way to start.

As Andrew says in the episode, the script for how boys are supposed to look, act, and feel is stricter than ever. It’s no wonder our sons feel the need to act out–they aren’t being taught to handle it all! Luckily, with Andrew’s advice, we can change that.

In the Episode….

Andrew has a lot of unique ideas about how we can transform visions of masculinity in our society. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we also discuss:

Why boys are so worried about “social perfectionism”
How most male prisoners have one essential thing in common
Why testosterone behaves differently than commonly believed
How you can help your son feel comfortable opening up

I really enjoyed my chat with Andrew and it definitely made me think...

Ep 161: Keys to Beating Low Energy (Without Sleeping More!) Oct 24, 2021

Dr. Steven R. Gundry, author of The Energy Paradox and The Plant Paradox, gives us insight into what the science says is slowing us all down, fogging up our brains, and making us look downright lazy. Surprisingly, the answer isn’t simply to get more sleep.

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Full show notes

It feels like these days, we’re all a little more tired than we’d like to be! We pour ourselves an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon, feed our kids nutritious meals to give them a boost, and declare an early bedtime...but none of it seems to help! You and your kids might feel bogged down by 3 PM, or struggle to finish a basic to-do list. We’re trying to take care of ourselves, so why are we feeling so exhausted?

Turns out, the answer is a lot more complicated than you might think–and it’s based in sophisticated nutrition science. Your body’s natural processes have been interrupted by our society’s agricultural and medical practices, and it might be causing you to have a fraction of the energy you once had! The chemicals in your food and the prescriptions you’re taking may be doing more harm than good when it comes to creating a happier, healthier life for yourself and your kids.

To shine some light on this energy deficiency, we’re sitting down with Dr. Steven Gundry! He’s a former cardiac surgeon and the author of several successful books on nutritional science, including his new book: The Energy Paradox: What to Do When Your Get-Up-and-Go Has Got Up and Gone. In this week’s episode, we’re diving into the mechanisms at play in our body’s digestion and immune systems–and what we’re doing that’s causing those mechanisms to get all kinds of messed up.

Ever heard of a microbiome? We’re talking all about how this home for trillions of microorganisms inside your gut serves as the center of your body’s functions….and how our practices are rendering it ineffective. Plus, we’re getting into the real truth about fiber, and unpacking the nuances of metabolic flexibility to explain why we just can’t seem to stay energized.

How We Mistreat Our Microbiome

Did you know that you have trillions of little organisms inside your belly that regulate a huge number of your body’s processes? This is called your microbiome, and it’s an essential part of digestion, immunity, and brain function. Steven explains that we weren’t aware of these microorganisms until recently. Through a fascinating scientific study known as the Human Microbiome Project, we’ve discovered just how much we use the microbial organisms in our gut–and how many issues our diet and medicine are causing!

One of the ways we defile this essential system is with antibiotics, says Steven. When we started prescribing them left and right, we didn’t realize that they were actively killing off the contents of our microbiome. It was only with the cutting edge research conducted by the Human Microbiome Project that we learned our mistake–and it’s only just now that we have to come to terms with the damage that’s been done, Steven explains. Plus, we feed antibiotics to all the animals we eat...meaning that those antibiotics are inside us too!

Another culprit of this microbiome mistreatment is a chemical compound glyphosine, often referred to as “round up”, explains Steven. Glyphosine is used on most conventional crops to make them easier to harvest–even the products marked non-GMO! Doctors and researchers have found enormous amounts of this chemical compound in young people’s blood, simply from eating crops that have been exposed to it.

According to Steven, Glyphosine changes our microbiome to create a syndrome sometimes referred to as “leaky gut” in which toxins “leak” though the lining of our bellies and into the bloodstream, causing inflammation. Plus, Glyphosine blocks the effects of Vitamin D and the adrenal hormone, causing us to be drained and fatigued!

There are certain things that are good for our microbiome–and fiber is one of the most important. However, due to misinformation, you may be feeding your family the wrong type of fiber, causing harm to microorganisms instead!

Finding the Right Fiber

Although we may not realize it, there are actually two different kinds of fiber: soluble and insoluble. Soluble fiber is the kind our microbiome likes….while insoluble causes serious damage! Even though we might think of grain or bran muffins as being full of healthy fiber, the insoluble fiber they contain actually makes them quite harmful to our microbiomes, as they can’t be broken down and absorbed. Even though we think we’re helping our kids stay healthy, we might not be giving them the fuel to power their bodies, Steven says.

As Steven explains in the episode, a lot of the processed food we eat today is broken into simple sugars, protein and fats. This is in stark contrast to our grandparents’ diet of whole foods. Instead of sitting down to consume a potato or an apple, we’re far too often provided with candy, chips, or microwavable dinners which are, as Steven says, stripped of all fiber. Instead, they contain false flavorings to trick your body into thinking there is any fiber at all! Steven suggests reaching for asparagus, yam, artichoke, or avocado instead.

Steven quips in the episode that we eat the foods we love, but the food doesn’t love us back! He explains that the food with the most fiber is often bitter food...in other words, bitter is better. In the episode, we go over some recipes from his popular title, The Plant Paradox Cookbook: 100 Delicious Recipes to Help You Lose Weight, Heal Your Gut, and Live Lectin-Free, that can make bitter food more enticing...and get you and your family the fiber they need.

If we’re talking about digestion, it's important to discuss metabolic flexibility, says Steven. This is another area where our practices are causing some problems with our energy flow!

Our Digestion is Damaged...And How It’s Hurting Us

In the episode, Steven and I discuss a process known as metabolic flexibility–or the way our bodies digest food gradually. The mitochondria, which can be found in our body’s cells, processes the food we eat, and typically sorts through sugars, proteins, and carbohydrates separately, Now, unfortunately, with our consumption of over processed foods, these components are all rushing to our mitochondria at the same time, causing it to get jammed and move about as smoothly as rush hour traffic! This clogged system is another reason why our energy may not be as high as we’d like, Steven explains.

In the past, our body would transmit food to glucose, and then start running through the body’s stored fat for fuel. Because of the frequent consumption of processed foods, many of our bodies no longer have the capacity to do this! That’s why when people try to go without juice cleanses or try a keto diet, they find themselves starving. Their body can’t go more than two hours without eating food and adding new fuel to their system.

Instead of regular snacking–which Steven says is certain to shorten your lifespan and make you more fatigued than ever, he suggests compressing your eating windows to last between six to eight hours. What does this mean exactly? We talk more in the episode about that! Here’s a hint: it’s much better than our conventional eating schedule at actually helping you lose weight!

Ep 160: Does Your Family Need a Code of Excellence? Oct 17, 2021

Frank Figliuzzi, author of The FBI Way, shares knowledge on effectively instilling values in a family unit. He walks us through creating a code of conduct based on your family’s values, and shares the number one thing everyone gets wrong about consequences.

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Full show notes

Parenting can sometimes feel like it’s never predictable. Even when we think we know our kid, some new interest or personality trait suddenly comes out of left field. Maybe your kid has always been a total carnivore, but this week, all their friends are vegan...so they want to be vegan too! Yesterday, your kid wanted to be a pro basketball player, but today they want to be a painter...tomorrow they’ll tell you they’re destined to be a scientist. It can be dizzying to keep up with your teens as they grow and evolve everyday!

But what about when a kid who’s always happy and smiling suddenly seems tired and disinterested in things? Or when your teen who swore they’d never smoke accidentally leaves a vape in the kitchen? When these kinds of unexpected parenting troubles pop up, it’s hard to adjust and react effectively. It can be incredibly challenging to avoid the urge to panic, and nearly impossible to remain cool and parent through peril.

According to this week’s guest, the secret to handling the ups and downs is to define our values–and stick to them. His name is Frank Figliuzzi and he’ the former assistant director of the FBI, served as FBI chief inspector for sensitive internal inquiries, and is now a national security analyst for NBC news! His new book, The FBI Way: Inside the Bureau’s Code of Excellence, highlights the principles that make the FBI so successful at handling crises and explains how you can apply those same principles when things go awry with your teen.

In the episode, we’re touching on what Frank calls “the seven Cs”, or seven fundamentals that parents can practice to create a harmonious house and handle conflict when it arises. We’re covering the importance of sticking to a code of values, practicing clarity, and enforcing consistent consequences–but not without compassion, credibility and conservancy.

Finding Your Family’s Code of Values

When we’re using a device and something goes wrong, we check the manual. If we’re cooking and not sure which spices will taste the best, we look at the recipe. In our nation’s legislative and judicial process, we consult our constitution for guidance about what’s best for our citizens. So why shouldn’t parents and teens have a guide that they can refer back to when things feel out of control? In the episode, Frank emphasizes the importance of having a code–the first of the seven Cs– that your family follows and falls back on in times of uncertainty. It’s what the FBI does...and you should try it too!

Sound overwhelming? It doesn’t have to be, says Frank. It can be as simple as promising to always treat each other with respect, or agreeing to always be honest.

As more things are added to the list, you might even want to write them out to ensure accountability. Frank explains in the episode how his son (now a lawyer, of course), asked if they could all formally sign a contract declaring their families core values! Once you’ve created this code, Frank explains that your family should act as a conservancy–the second of the 7 Cs. This indicates a collective effort, meaning everyone is equally responsible for maintaining this code, including parents.

In order to ensure that everyone abides by the code, Frank believes that consequences (number three of the seven Cs) are super important. Without consequences, the rules tend to fall flat! When someone violates one of the values in your family code–say, being dishonest and lying about finishing their homework–and nothing happens as a result, they’ll just keep on doing it. Soon enough, they won’t feel any need to be honest about anything anymore, since there’s no consequences for dishonesty. But if they can no longer play their XBox as a result of their behavior...they might be more concerned with the truth the next time around. Just like in the FBI, there’s no lying under oath!

The fourth of the seven Cs is clarity, and Frank reminds us that this is of the utmost importance. Even if we have consequences in place, they’re totally useless if they’re unknown! By making sure things are clear, we ensure that teens know consequences before getting themselves into trouble. If they’re aware that they’ll be grounded for coming home after 11:00, they can’t claim they didn’t know, or try to get away with it! Plus, clarity helps to maintain fairness. If everyone is clear on the 11 o’clock curfew, then you’ll have to punish both kids for violating it...even if you tend to be more lenient with one than the other.

These four Cs may outline the basics of creating a code of values, but there are a few more principles Frank recommends that parents follow if they want to keep things on track despite road bumps!

Compassion, Credibility, and Consistency

Ok, so all this talk about consequences might feel a bit authoritative. In our interview, Frank explains that to avoid becoming a tyrant, compassion is key! Frank and I discuss how, when the family is under stress or a kid is experiencing an intense emotional rollercoaster, part of parenting through it is giving kids some wiggle room to fail or mess up.

Frank explains that when someone is set to face punishment in the FBI, the organization takes into account more than just the transgression at hand. Maybe the offender was under a lot of pressure that day, or expected to handle something outside of their usual scope of responsibility. It’s okay to give teens this same leniency when things aren’t quite going to plan.

It’s not only kids that mess up, it’s parents too. That is why parents need to be transparent and embrace the sixth of the seven Cs: credibility. As Frank and I discuss in the episode, by admitting your own mistakes and taking steps to fix things when you misstep,you show your kids you're capable of taking credit for your actions. In turn, this makes you more credible as a figure of authority, says Frank.

The last of the seven Cs is consistency–meaning sticking to your code of values, even when things get rough. When you spy the vape your teen left in the kitchen, it’s easy to blow up on them–but if you specified the importance of respecting each other, it might be wise to think about how you can go about the conversation respectfully. On the flipside, having defined honesty as a core value might make it so that your teen is more willing to be open about where they got the vape, how often they’ve been using it and why they decided to get it in the first place.

When it comes down to it, Frank’s seven C’s are about creating a home environment that promotes justice and fairness–while making sure rules are still followed! By defining a code of values and taking the appropriate steps to make sure it sticks, you and your kids might just find the light at the end of whatever tunnel your family is facing.

In the Episode...

There are so many valuable takeaways from this week’s interview with Frank! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about…

How we can persevere through turmoil in our families
Why kids have a strong sense of justice
When to stop searching for answers and mo...

Ep 159: Breaking Down Anxiety Oct 10, 2021

Dr. Judson Brewer, author of Unwinding Anxiety, explains how anxiety is in fact a habit--one we can break. He shares insight from his years of research to debunk the myths surrounding modern views on anxiety and the truth about stopping the cycle.

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Full show notes

Anxiety is a pretty common feeling–you likely know how it feels to have your heart suddenly race in your chest, your palms go sweaty and your words turn to gibberish before a big presentation or confrontation. Having these anxious feelings is bad enough when it’s an isolated incident, but many of us–and our kids–might be feeling anxiety every day! This could be caused by anything, from eating to driving to social situations! For kids handling school, sports, clubs, college apps and friendship drama, anxiety may be a frequent presence keeping them from living their best life.

It seems like this anxiety is simply an unavoidable, biological force, but our guest this week is encouraging us to think about anxious behaviors a little differently. Instead of viewing them as something we have little control over, he’s telling us how anxiety may actually just be a force of habit, and therefore something we can change! Anxious responses follow the same patterns as habits, are often caused by similar triggers, and, as we’re discussing this week, can be treated in similar ways.

If you’re looking to heal you or your teen’s anxious patterns, this is the episode for you! Our guest is Judson Brewer, author of Unwinding Anxiety: New Science Shows How to Break the Cycles of Worry and Fear to Heal Your Mind. Judson is not only an internationally renowned psychiatrist and neuroscientist, but also the director of research and innovation at Brown’s mindfulness center. His 2016 Ted Talk, tilted “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit, has over 16 million views on youtube!

In our interview, we’re diving into how anxious tendencies act just like habits–with triggers, behavior and rewards. Plus, we’re getting into how you can understand and reflect on your own behaviors, if you just have the courage to be curious.

How Anxiety Becomes Habitual

Our typical approach to anxiety requires us to see it as an unmoving, impenetrable force...when in reality, it’s a habit we can work on amending, says Judson. To understand how, Judson and I are getting to the bottom of how habits form! In our interview, Judson outlines the basic cycle of developing a habit.

It begins with a trigger, resulting in a behavior that yields a reward. Once our brain determines how it can access this reward, our minds will crave it again, and again, resulting in the formation of a habit!

When we get anxious, our body starts the physiological and mental process of worrying, which keeps us occupied. This response aids the anxious feeling, and acts as a reward, says Judson. When we find ourselves triggered by, say, a thunderstorm or a challenging math test, we allow our minds to run rampant with worry, tap our fingers nervously, and find ourselves unable to focus. The more we lean into that worried response, the more it becomes a habit, says Judson. Suddenly, unable to break the pattern, we find our anxiety has come to run our lives!

Not to mention that nowadays, there are more reasons than ever for parents to be anxious. Technology makes it so that we can call teens any time to make sure they’re safe...but also means that they can run loose on the internet, getting into dangerous situations or posting incriminating stuff on social media. For teens growing up in a media saturated world, anxiety-inducing news and images are everywhere. No wonder it’s so easy for teens and parents to fall into patterns of anxious behavior.

So we’ve figured out that our anxiety might be habitual….but how can we take steps to help ourselves or our teen out of an anxious cycle?

Developing Better Behaviors

If you want to revolutionize your life and ditch your anxiety (or other bad habits), Judson encourages taking note of your own behavior, and analyzing your findings!. Simply becoming aware of what triggers you and how you tend to respond can lead to healthier habits. If you can really hone in on the reward at hand–in this case, anxiety relief– you may find that there are better, healthier approaches than just worrying like crazy!

Judson also points to a trio of personality classifications that may help you understand your anxiety response–fight, flight, or freeze. While some people dive head in when confronted with a stressful issue, others are more avoidant, while others still find themselves essentially paralyzed with the inability to make a choice, leaving them frozen. Figuring out which category you or your teen falls under can help you to understand and amend your own coping mechanisms.

Interestingly, Judson insists that you can’t really break a habit out of sheer willpower. In his work with patients who are struggling with addiction, he’s found that self reflection is much more effective!

For example, for those who are addicted to cigarettes, Judson encourages them to really pay attention to their smoking experience. Most of the time, clients report back saying they realized how bad cigarettes taste and smell, how they just return to feeling stressed a few minutes after smoking. This leads them to quit, when they realize the “reward” of smoking just isn’t worth it.

Whether it’s cigarettes, vapes, or junk food, we may notice that our teens have fallen into some unfortunate habits. In the episode, Judson and I talk about how you can encourage teens to change by prompting them to be curious and giving them the steps to process their anxiety.

Helping Teens with Bad Habits

It’s not always easy to get teens to think critically about their own behavior, but if we can harness their natural curiosity, we might be able to get them to change their perspective and work on unhealthy habits. Judson explains how teens can often be reactive and criticize their own behavior pretty harshly, but if we encourage them to be thoughtful instead, they may adopt a growth mindset. Judson explains this further in our interview.

In addition, Judson lays out a few steps for a teen who’s struggling with a bad habit, addiction, or serious anxiety. He shares an acronym with us that he uses to help patients: RAIN. The R stands for recognizing and relaxing and the A stands for allow. This means when a wave of anxiety or a craving for cigarettes comes over your teen, panicking or quickly distracting themselves won’t help–they need to recognize the feeling and sit with it, says Judson.

The ‘I’ stands for investigate, which means searching for the trigger or cause of the feeling. If teens can identify what’s causing the problem, they can work on removing that person, place or thing from their daily life! Finally, the N stands for note, which means studying how they feel, examining the “reward” created by the unhealthy habit. As Judson and I repeat throughout the interview, it’s so important to reflect on our behavior if we want what’s best for ourselves and our teens.

In the Episode...

Judson’s perspective on anxiety is refreshing and thought provoking! It was a pleasure to talk to him about how we can all develop healthier habits. On top of the topics discussed above, we cover:

Why medic...

Ep 158: The Knowledge Gap Oct 03, 2021

Natalie Wexler, author of The Knowledge Gap, clues us in onto the widening knowledge gap: what it is, why it’s happening, and how we might begin to narrow it.

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Full show notes

For many of us, education is the #1 priority for our kids. A good education can help lift kids out of poverty, can ensure a financially stable and independent future, and can open up the doors of opportunity and possibility, no matter what they dream of doing! While hobbies, social life and athleticism are all important parts of helping kids become well rounded, education is key to giving them the ticket to a prosperous life.

But the sad truth is that our education system might not be doing what we need it to do! In many ways, our current curriculum takes the wrong approach, leaving kids without the knowledge they need to succeed in adulthood. Today’s schooling is especially ineffective for students who are not so affluent, with a rising gap in test scores and academic performance between those on the highest and lowest ends of the socioeconomic spectrum.

So how can we create an effective, equitable system that gives our kids the chance they deserve? Our guest, Natalie Wexler, is here to help us find out. She’s the author of The Knowledge Gap: The Hidden Cause of America's Broken Education System--and how to Fix it. In our interview, she’s bringing attention to the serious issues facing today’s students, and how schools can start doing better by those they teach.

Natalie and I are discussing how our schools are focused on helping kids develop critical thinking skills instead of helping them build up a base of knowledge. Although this might sound like the right approach, it’s actually doing a disservice to kids all across the country! We’re also getting into why our nation’s wealth gap is so present in our education system, and discussing how you as a parent can give your kids’ education a boost.

The Crisis of Our Curriculum

Although we may not see it (or want to confront it), there are some issues that run deep through the American education system. These problems tend to affect low income students the most, but can be found in schools across the country, no matter the school’s location or price tag. These problems that are fundamentally built into our nation’s approach to teaching students! They lie in our decision to forgo teaching kids hard knowledge, self expression, and memorization, and instead teach them basic, repetitive comprehension skills.

While it’s great for kids to have strong comprehension and think critically, they need to have a foundation of knowledge, says Natalie–knowledge they’re not really getting. For example, students are taught to find the main idea of a passage, or are asked to answer questions about the contents of the reading, but rarely are they taught hard information about important topics, like historical events. They often don’t read and discuss literature, and they don’t memorize scientific terms! This is especially true for less affluent students, but a part of it rings true for schools across the country.

Natalie explains that when kids read about vikings, or pyramids, or Marie Curie, and then asked to write about those topics, they find themselves interested in learning new things. They feel intrigued by this important social science or scientific topics and feel engaged when asked to write on them-so why don’t we approach teaching this way more often instead of handing out bland passages with no memorable content? For many students, it’s because they have been marked as “behind” due to unequal access to education–and this is the ineffective way schools have attempted to help.

Why Education Isn’t Equal

For kids growing up without a lot of resources, these issues within the system are even more damaging. For kids whose parents may have never finished high school, there are quite a few extra obstacles in the way of a good education, says Natalie, and the curriculum tends to be one of them. Often, this “skill” based approach is meant to help kids with a lower quality elementary/middle school education get up to speed, but the problem is often that they just don’t have enough knowledge-based education to begin with.

Plus, kids who are raised in better funded schools or with highly educated parents are usually given more intellectually complex texts to read. As Natalie says in the episode, knowledge is like velcro, and as kids read more sophisticated work, they become capable of understanding even more complicated readings–until they are able to comprehend at a very high level. Meanwhile, those who didn’t have the opportunity to read sophisticated content find themselves unable to make the same level of growth, widening the gap between rich and poor students.

Natalie explains that high school kids from low income areas often can’t even identify the U.S. on a map and may struggle to write a sentence–not because they aren’t capable of understanding that information but because the early curriculum for these students is far behind that of wealthier students. It’s our current system that's letting them down, and it’s something that needs to change as soon as possible, says Natalie.

If you’re worried that your kid isn’t getting the education you’d hoped for, Natalie and I are talking about what you can do to look out for your kids’ learning.

Prepping You Kid For Success

If you’re concerned that your teen might not be getting the most out of school, don’t fear. Natalie and I discuss some steps you can take to give your kid a fighting chance at a good education. One of the most effective ways parents can help is by starting at-home help early on No matter how old your kid is, helping them build their knowledge and vocalize their own interpretations of material can give them a major boost. This means not just reading to or with them, but also having discussions together after!

Natalie recommends that teens do additional writing at home on the subjects they're learning about in school. By retaining and rephrasing the knowledge they’ve gaine and using their own voice to dissect its meaning, they are gaining the ability to process ideas critically and express themselves–a priceless skill for making their way in the world. If you can, Natalie suggests finding a tutor as well! Tutors can provide supplemental assignments and guidance to kids, bringing a personal, one on one approach that’s especially helpful to kids who have fallen behind.

You might be wondering, how can I find out more about the curriculum at my kid’s school? Unfortunately, as Natalie and I discuss, this is harder than it should be. Most schools don’t have a place where the state-mandated or even school-specific curriculums are shared publicly. In fact, at some schools, there is no curriculum at all, and teachers are expected to come up with their own. Natalie and I talk more on this in the episode, and how urgent it is that change emerges and more transparency is brought to our schooling system!

In the Episode…

There’s a lot we still have to learn about education...but Natalie is here to help. On top of the topics discussed above, we also cover:

Why we should start teaching history to younger kids
What happens when you “personalize” education
Why memorization can be a great learning tool
How the co...

Ep 157: "Hey! That's MINE!" Sep 26, 2021

Michael A Heller and Jim Salzman, authors of Mine!, share the hidden rules behind ownership disputes and the secret to better bargaining and leveraging your power as the parent.

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Full show notes

There’s one slice of pizza left, and all three of your kids want it. One kid argues that he called dibs on it before it even came out of the oven, so it’s definitely his. Another says that since she had track practice today, she’s the hungriest–and therefore it belongs to her. The third declares that the two slices he already ate were wayyyy smaller than the rest, making him the rightful owner of this final piece. Unable to stop bickering over it, they look to you to decide who gets to eat it….but it seems like all three of them are making a pretty good case!

Decisions like this can feel impossible, but as parents, we face them almost everyday. Not only are there battles of ownership between the kids themselves, but you and your teen also likely argue over who owns their phones, the car, their bedroom, and even perhaps their body. (Who should get the final say on blue hair and belly button piercings?) When problems arise, it’s not always easy to distinguish what belongs to who, and that can make life pretty difficult!

This week, we’re talking about the rules of ownership….and what makes them so complicated. Our guests are Michael Heller and James Salzman, authors of the new book Mine!: How the Hidden Rules of Ownership Control Our Lives. In their work as lawyers and law professors, James and Michael have spent a lot of time thinking about possession and what entitles someone to the rights of ownership.

To help us understand how disputes over ownership arise, Michael, James and I are discussing the six rules that people use to argue that they have possession of something. We’re also chatting about why companies think they have the right to sell your data and covering how you can use your ownership position to teach kids important life lessons.

The Six Stories of Ownership

When your kids are arguing over that last slice of pizza, they’re each telling a different story to prove that they deserve it. This is why settling disputes over ownership is so complicated...since each of the kids is technically correct about having some possession of the slice!

Michael and James explain that one of the most common ways we claim ownership is through the principle of first come, first serve. We also often believe something belongs to us through the law of attachment: if the armrest is attached to my chair in the movie theater, it must be mine…..and not my neighbor’s! Possession is another way to claim ownership, Michael and James emphasize. If your teen possesses their laptop, they tend to think they own it–even if you’re the one who paid for it.

Interestingly, the dispute over the principle of bodily ownership is one that’s baffled us for decades, say James and Michael. Some people argue that if something is connected to or extending from their physical body they should have total control over that thing, but not everyone agrees! This is particularly relevant for women’s bodies, when it comes to things like surrogacy or abortion, but it’s also prominent in debates over the right to sell one’s organs or the ability to be euthanized. As a parent, you may experience tension around the topic of bodily autonomy when your teen wants to wear certain clothes you can’t condone or dye their hair a color you disapprove of.

In the episode, we talk about how parents can deal with the challenge of teens who are eager to get eyebrow piercings or sport a shirt with a provocative saying. We also discuss the two other principles of ownership: possession through labor and familial possession!

In some cases, conflict over ownership can spread beyond just person to person combat–when companies believe it’s their right to harvest and sell your data.

How Companies “Own” Your Data

Most of us wouldn’t say that Google or Apple has a right to document and distribute our information, but those companies might say otherwise. They often argue ownership on the principle of labor, claiming that they worked hard to create the search engine, and therefore have ownership rights over customer data, explain Michael and James.

These companies might say that since you are already on their site, your browsing information also belongs to them through the powers of possession and attachment. In the episode, we talk about how you can defend your privacy and emphasize that only you have a right to data about your internet activity.

One service you might not consider a threat to your data ownership–but you should be looking out for–is genetic testing, say Michael and James. When you swab your saliva and send it into 23 and me, you’ll learn some interesting facts about your ancestors, but you’re also offering up your genetic data to a company that can then sell it to pharmaceutical and insurance companies. Since the testing companies possess it, they claim ownership to it, and use it to turn a profit.

Having ownership over something gives the owner quite a bit of power, which is why companies want to own our data so badly! In the case of business, they want to gain the power of capital, but for parents, the power of ownership can have a whole different dimension.

How Parents Can Harness the Power of Ownership

So the last slice of pizza is just sitting there, waiting for it’s rightful owner to be declared. But the reason kids are looking to you for answers about this particular pizza is because you paid for it! That technically grants you ownership of the pizza, meaning you have the power to decide who gets that final slice.

Having the power of ownership can help you teach kids a lesson about equality! In the episode, we flashback to Michael's on childhood. After hearing Michael and his siblings bicker over the biggest piece of pie, his parents instituted a new rule–whomever cuts the pie has to pick their own slice last. This taught Michael pretty quickly to cut all the pieces exactly even so he didn’t get a smaller piece than his siblings. Not only did everyone get a fair and even slice, but Michael himself learned to be more equitable!

Although it can be used for good, Michael and Jim explain how some companies use their ownership power to manipulate users. For example, it’s pretty common for teens to swap login information for various streaming services, so they can use Hulu or Disney+ without forking over the dough for a prescription. Although this is technically illegal, sites like HBO Max allow it to continue because it creates video addicts out of young people, so that when they grow up, they’ll end up spending their own cash on the HBO subscription they feel like can’t live without.

In the Episode...

Although the rules of ownership might get us into some sticky situations, they can also help us distinguish what belongs to whom and why. On top of the topics discussed above, we also cover:

Why we should all know about the Coase theorem
How creating a will can save your kids from financial ruin
Why we shouldn’t use analogies to reason with teens
How “first come, first serve” can be harmful for kids

If you want to find more of Michael and James’ work, you ...

Ep 156: The Funny Thing About Depression… Sep 19, 2021

John Moe, author of The Hilarious World of Depression, joins us for a candid and surprisingly fun look at living with depression and how to talk to teens about it.

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Full show notes

Dealing with depression is tough–whether you’re battling it yourself or trying to help a teen who’s struggling. Depression can distance us from friends and loved ones, cause us to stop eating and sleeping and make things we once enjoyed seem pointless. If left untreated, depression can even be life-threatening.

As more and more people–especially teens– find themselves struggling with depression in the midst of the pandemic, it’s more tempting than ever to search for remedies to this complicated condition. What can we do to make life with depression more livable?

For some of us, the answer may lie in laughter. You read that right. Laughter. Sometimes, in order to process our emotions and make light of the things that plague us, the answers lie in comedy! Joking about depression might not always be the most conventional coping mechanism, but it can do wonders for making such a terrifying, overwhelming illness more manageable on the daily.

Our guest this week, John Moe, is no stranger to laughing his way through tough times. He’s the author of The Hilarious World of Depression and the host of the podcast Depresh Mode, where he engages in interesting and introspective discussions with guests about mental health and more!. As someone who’s lived with major depressive disorder since his early teens, John knows that helping a kid through depression is not easy. That’s why he’s here to answer questions, give advice...and make us laugh!

Want to talk to your teen about depression but don’t know where to start? We’re getting into having conversations about mental health in this week’s episode. We’re also covering how you can spot depression in a teen, and how a little humor can help you and your teen work through the difficulties of depression together.

Discussing Depression with Your Kids

Initiating a talk about mental health with teens can be a little daunting...especially when teens would usually much rather scroll through Instagram or watch Netflix than talk to us about literally anything. But if we don’t try to have these conversations with our kids, they might find themselves suffering from depression or anxiety without being able to put a name to those feelings. They may think they are alone, or that there’s something wrong with them, when all they really need is some professional help.

When sitting kids down for a chat, John suggests keeping things open and transparent. In the episode, he shares a touching anecdote from when he had a discussion about depression with his own daughter! One of the biggest tips he has for parents is to never dismiss the gravity of what teen’s are going through. It can be easy to say things like “you’ll feel better when you’re older” or “it’s not that big of a deal” when you’re trying to provide comfort, but these kinds of statements can backfire when teens feel invalidated.

Plus, mental illness isn’t just something one can ”think” their way out of, John reminds us. In our interview, we talk about a questionable sentiment that’s often applied to cancer–the idea that if someone is just positive and tough enough, they won't suffer so much. But cancer is certainly not cured just by having a good attitude, John reminds us, and neither is depression. It takes a professional to help treat an illness! This is important to remember when breaking down depression for your teens.

Preparing kids for the possibility of depression is a great way to keep them from feeling confused or isolated before they find themselves struggling–but what about a teen who’s already dealing with depression?

Is My Child Depressed?

Although depression affects everyone differently, there are some signs we can look out for when watching for depression in our teens. In the episode, John shares the story of his own personal battle with depression, and how his wife noticed the signs before he did. Even though he was isolating himself from friends, constantly going through intense mood swings and losing sleep, he didn’t think of himself as someone with depression.

His determination to avoid diagnosis stemmed from his misconceptions about depression, he explains. Before becoming the educated man he is today, John thought that depressed folks just moped around all the time acting sad–and that didn’t sound like him. Only after being diagnosed did he release that there is a whole spectrum of symptoms that people with depression experience!

When looking for signs of depression in a teen, John recommends keeping an eye out for a sudden drop in grades or attendance. It’s also wise to pay attention to their social patterns–are they suddenly losing friends or staying home on the weekends when they used to go out? If you’re noticing some of these signifiers, it might be time to do some research or reach out for professional help.

Finding a therapist, going on medication, or getting another form of professional treatment is essential to helping teens get better, but living with depression can still make daily life harder. When you’re going through a dark time, John suggests finding the light in laughter.

How Comedy Helps Us Cope

For John, and many of us, comedy is something we’ve indulged in our whole lives. Growing up, we may have watched cartoons that made us laugh or maybe, like John, tuned into SNL and Monty Python for comedic relief. As John explains in the episode, comedy helped ease his immigrant family’s transition to American life. Humor helps us see the odd and contradictory parts of our existence and gives us a chance to discuss contradictory and confusing topics we might often sweep under the rug.

After his depression diagnosis, John turned to comedy to help him process his feelings. One of the hardest parts of adjusting to the diagnosis was feeling like he couldn't communicate just how difficult things were–but he felt that within comedy and writing, there was a chance for people like him to talk about things through art! In fact, even if it isn’t comedy, he suggests teens who are dealing with depression find some kind of hobby that allows for self expression, like joining a band or picking up painting!

Using humor to talk about depression can also chip away at the stigmas that still stand around mental illness. Even if we’re just joking around, we’re still encouraging discussion–and reminding people that it’s ok not to be ok. As John explains in the episode, the worst thing we can do is ignore the reality of depression and anxiety, and allow people who may be suffering to continue feeling like they have no solution or that they’re going at it alone.

In the episode….

My interview with John was hilarious, yet helpful! Not only do we share plenty of laughs this week, we also get to the heart of handling serious mental health concerns. On top of the subjects discussed above, we talk about…

Why teens can’t “achieve” their way out of depression
How we can get teens to be less dramatic
Why kids should think critically about depression in the media
How finding a therapist is like dating

I really enjoyed talking to John this week. We hope you enjoy l...

Ep 155: Growing Apart in Middle School Sep 12, 2021

Judith Warner, author of And Then They Stopped Talking to Me, speaks with us about why the middle school years are such trying times for parents and teens. Judith shares her thoughts on how to make things better for everyone.

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Full show notes

We all remember middle school….probably not too fondly! Between the relentless social drama to the embarrassing body changes, middle school is pretty much the worst. Not only are kids today dealing with the things we dealt with, they’re also juggling the pressures of social media, an intense political climate and a terrifying pandemic as the cherry on top! Growing up through all this is no easy task, and neither is parenting our kids through it.

It’s hard enough watching teens struggle with these difficult years, but when they won’t talk to us, it can feel impossible to be a good parent. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for pubescent kids to suddenly shut parents out with no explanation. With everything going on in their lives, a lot of kids feel overwhelmed and afraid to open up, or they think it’s their job to go at it alone. How can we get through to preteens and remind them that we’re here to help them get through the perils of middle school life?

To find out, we’re talking with Judith Warner, author of And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School. Judith is the bestselling author of multiple parenting books as well as a senior fellow at the Center for American progress–and those are just a few of her many accolades! In her work and personal life, Judith recognized that parents of middle schoolers seemed to really be struggling, but not sharing their woes with one another out of embarrassment or fear. That’s why she’s decided to write this book: to help parents wrap their heads around this wild time, and realize they’re not alone.

In the episode, Judith and I are covering why middle school is one of the most painful periods–but also one of the most important. We’re discussing why this age is so hard on parents, and what we can do about it. Plus, we’re addressing how you can get a middle schooler to finally open up, even if they’ve been shutting you out!

Why Middle School Matters

With all the hormones and heartbreak, middle school can be a time we’d all frankly like to forget. So why is it that we seem to remember the pain of puberty so well? Judith explains that the experiences kids have during these years are incredibly formative and often shape adult life! In our interview, we get into some fascinating research about how those cringey middle school moments can actually inform our way of seeing the world.

For growing kids, the early adolescent years contain the most dramatic brain changes since their first three years of life, says Judith. New connections are made and old connections are shut down by a process called pruning. With all the changes going on, kids’ brains are more vulnerable than ever to acquiring new capabilities, which is awesome...but they’re also more susceptible to social conflict, mental health issues, substance abuse, and more. In the episode, Judith and I get into how marijuana is a particularly important force to look out for during these pre-teen years.

All these puberty problems aren’t just a sign of the times. As Judith explains in our interview, kids have been struggling with middle school since middle schools were created in the early 20th century! For the first time, kids are really getting out of their social bubbles and entering a larger pool of classmates. Often, it’s a brutal introduction to critical decision making and independence. In our talk, Judith and I go over some troubleshooting strategies to help pre-teens who are really going through it.

But middle school isn’t just hard for kids...it’s also tough on their parents.

Parenting Through Puberty

There are a lot of reasons why this period is so hard for parents. For some, it’s challenging to give their kids the independence that middle school requires. Others are frustrated by how their child suddenly shuts them out when they hit age eleven or twelve. There's no shortage of frustrations in the family when kids are in the midst of growing and figuring out the world.

Judith and I chat about how this wasn't always a problem for parents of gen X-ers! Adults were typically less involved in what kids were doing in those days, and didn’t have as much trouble letting kids do their own thing. But our culture has changed. For better or for worse, parents have become a lot more cautious and protective over kids’ well-being. Judith explains how social drama and cliques are totally normal happenings for middle schoolers, but parents who are used to being enraptured in their kid’s lives might really struggle with letting it all unfold in front of them.

In the episode, Judith suggests practicing self awareness and thinking about where you’re at emotionally before stepping into a kid’s situation. If you’re feeling anxious about your teen’s day-today life it’s likely you’ll end up looking for info to confirm your worries–and finding it even when it’s not there. Plus, if kids are going through something, Judith emphasizes that throwing your own feelings and opinions in the mix will likely just make things even more complicated for your kid.

But what do you do when you’re kid won’t talk to you at all? One day, they’re your closest pal, and the next, they won’t even tell you what they did in class that day. Although it might be tough, Judith and I are here to help!

Getting Kids to Open Up

As we’ve mentioned, kids in middle school usually don’t want to talk to parents about what’s happening with them...or talk to parents at all. And although kids probably aren’t trying to hurt your feelings, it can be super painful when it feels as though the line of connection between the two of you has been severed. Luckily, Judith has a tried and true method for prompting a teen to talk to you again.

For a more fruitful conversation with a middle schooler, Judith suggests showing interest in their lives–but not too much. The last thing kids want is to feel like they're being interrogated or put on the spot. If you open up, you’ll have to tread lightly so they feel comfortable. Instead of throwing a million questions as soon as they walk in the door at 3 pm, try casually bringing up a concern while the two of you are driving. Your eyes are on the road, not staring deep into their soul, so they might feel a bit more at ease!

Beyond initiating a talk, Judith and I cover how to have all kinds of tough convos in the interview, whether it’s handling the teenage obsession with popularity, dealing with social rejection, or handling substance use.

In the Episode….

My talk with Judith was incredibly informative and surprising! In addition to the topics mentioned above, we discuss:

What middle schoolers did in the nineteenth century
How to be a positive presence for a pre-teen
What psychologists are saying about marijuana use during puberty
How our competitive culture might be hurting our kids

If you enjoyed listening to Judith, check out more of her work at judithwarner.com. Don’t forget to subscribe and share with another middle school parent! We’ll see you next week.

Ep 154: What to Say to Motivate Your Teen Sep 05, 2021

Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child, re-join us to talk about their latest book What Do You Say. Whether your teen is unmotivated or over-anxious, Ned and Bill have just the thing to say.

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Full show notes

Enforcing rules on teens is no easy task. Half the time they ignore you, sometimes they lie to you, and they love to find plenty of reasons to do the exact opposite of what you asked! As they gain independence, teens just don’t want to abide by your rules...even if they’re living in your house.

Plus, as much as we want kids to listen to us and take us seriously as authority figures...gosh dang it, we want them to like us! We know that it's important to give kids restrictions and limits, but it’s hard to see why when they’re slamming the door and screaming at us for taking their XBox away. To be a parent is to constantly walk that fine line between being close to your kid and knowing when it’s time to be tough….and it can be really hard!

Luckily, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson are back to give us more great advice on finding that parenting balance. They were last on the show to discuss their bestseller, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives.

Today, they're here to share some groundbreaking material from their brand new book, What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home.

Although they’re big believers in giving kids autonomy, Bill and Ned know that parents still have an irreplaceable role in guiding kids through the perils of adolescence. That’s why we’re discussing how parents can best respond to a child who comes to them with a crisis. Plus, we’re debating the idea that kids should always “try their best” and revealing how you can start equipping kids with the independence they need to survive college and beyond.

Talking to an Anxious Teen

When teens tell you they’ve gotten themselves into trouble, it’s hard not to freak out. They come to you, upset that they got a bad grade on their calculus exam, and instantly you want to nag them about how they should have studied more and declare that they’ll never get into college with grades like these!

According to Bill and Ned, however, it’s important to stay calm in these situations, even though it’s tough. When asked who in their lives they feel the most comfortable with, most teens say it’s someone who listens, but doesn’t judge. If you want your teen to come to you first in a crisis, Bill and Ned advise keeping an even temper...at least on the outside!

In the episode, we identify different ways parents tend to respond to crises–reactions that only make things worse. Some parents find themselves catastrophizing the situation, letting their own anxiety twist it into a nightmare. Other parents partake in what Bill and Ned describe as “fortune telling”–meaning they declare that a teen’s future is ruined simply because of one detention or a college rejection. These responses are totally natural, but will likely only cause you and your teen to get more stressed than necessary!

Bill and Ned drop some pointers in our interview about how to stay chill and work through intense situations with teens. They explain how you can empower your teen to handle chaos with renewed confidence instead of giving them an extra dollop of self doubt.

One thing Bill and Ned don’t suggest doing too often is using the term “try your best.” Although encouragement is important, they dislike the use of this term in abundance–and they’re explaining why in our discussion.

Protecting Teens from Perfectionism

We want teens to excel and find success.. but we don’t want them to burn out or become so stressed that they don’t enjoy life. As a middle ground, we often tell them to just “do the best they can.” However, this doesn’t always provide the reassurance we think it does, say Bill and Ned. Instead, they encourage parents to tell teens they’ve done good enough! It’s pretty much impossible to say what a teen’s “best” is...and trying to define it only leaves kids feeling as though they’ll never measure up.

Bill and Ned believe teens should shift into a mindset of “I want to” rather than “I have to”. If we put kids under a microscope of perfectionism, they’ll feel like they’re being forced to strive for accolades...but if they’re using self growth as a metric, the motivation will come from inside! In the episode, we talk about how we can help kids get to a place where they’re happy to work towards growth, instead of miserably feeling like they’re crumbling under pressure.

Plus, Bill, Ned and I talk about how surprisingly effective it can be to give kids amnesty or second chances instead of doling out punitive measures. This is all a part of Bill and Ned’s belief in the power of teen autonomy! In the episode, we talk about how parents can guide kids making smart decisions on their own, so we know they’ll be ok when we’re not around.

The Importance of Independence

Letting kids do things on their own can be pretty terrifying. Even just granting them permission to go to the mall with their friends can lead us to fret about them vaping, talking to strangers, or even being peer pressured into shoplifting! But sometimes we worry a little too much...and find ourselves holding their hands too long.

Bill, Ned and I discuss how kids these days aren’t taught to survive on their own– the amount of young adults returning home from college after one semester is on the rise! If you don’t prep your teen to go out into the world and fend for themselves, they might just end up flocking back home and living in the basement.

When we’re begging teens to get started on their piano practice or constantly nagging them to come home on time, we’re sending them the message that it’s our responsibility to keep their lives together, say Bill and Ned. They warn parents that the more they push, the more teens are likely to push back! If parents are trying harder than the kid, that kid isn’t likely to blossom into adulthood any time soon. In our interview, they share how letting go might be the best way to propel teens forward.

This is especially relevant when it comes to the parenting crisis of the decade: getting teens to manage tech use! Bill, Ned and I talk about how giving kids the option to play Fortnite with no time limits might actually remind them that there are consequences to mindless gaming. If teens keep putting off their work to play, they’ll find themselves getting a bad grade as a result! Then, although it might be tempting to drop an extra satisfying “I told you so” parents can use the situation as a lesson about managing screen time, say Bill and Ned.

In the Episode...

It was lovely covering a wide range of topics with Bill and Ned this week! On top of the ideas mentioned above, we talk about…

Why kids from affluent families are more susceptible to substance abuse and anxiety disorders
How you can help teens with chronic stress
Why it’s so hard to let kids fail and what you can say to make it easier
How you can mode...

Ep 153: Initiate Change In Your Teen (Using DBT) Aug 29, 2021

Matis Miller, author of The Uncontrollable Child, dishes on how to handle defiant, unruly teens. His practical tips based in DBT all start with one simple step, that’s sometimes harder than it sounds: acceptance!

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Falling into a destructive cycle with your teen is far too easy–and incredibly frustrating. You yell at them to stop coming home late every night, or beg them to stop neglecting their homework for their Netflix….but they just don’t listen. Even offering rewards or doling out punishments never seems to work. It can feel like you’re living the same day over and over again, with no end in sight!

On top of feeling like your words are falling on deaf ears, all the fussing and fighting can start to put a strain on you and your teen’s relationship. It’s hard when you feel like you and your kid are enemies, or like the two of you are always bickering instead of connecting with one another. How can we get kids to listen, while also keeping our relationships harmonious?

If we really want to end the cycle and connect to our teens again, we’ll have to change the fundamentals of our approach. Our guest this week is Matis Miller, author of The Uncontrollable Child: Understand and Manage Your Child's Disruptive Moods with Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills. Matis has been working as a clinical psychologist for over fifteen years, and has some groundbreaking ideas about how you can transform your parenting philosophy to bring peace to your home again.

Are you familiar with dialectic behavioral therapy? In this week’s episode, Matis and I are breaking down this fascinating method of clinical therapy, and sharing how you can apply it to tackle your toughest parenting battles. We’re also talking about how judgement and invalidation might be harshing your parenting approach, and discussing how you can dish out more effective rewards and punishments.

The Power of Perspective

Sometimes, fixing even the most challenging parenting problems starts with a small change of perspective. In our interview, Matis tells us all about dialectical behavioral therapy: a clinical approach to changing behavior which starts with a shift in mindset. This method calls upon the parents to stop begging teens to change, and start looking at the causes of teen’s upsetting habits instead. Matis explains that dialectical therapy encourages parents to accept teen’s behavior while also striving for change–even if those two things appear contradictory.

But what does that really mean? First, Matis explains, we need to ditch anger for acceptance. When our teenagers are driving us up the wall, hurling harsh words their way is not going to make things better, he says. Although you want to see change, you first have to accept things for how they are. Matis and I discuss how many parents are in a sort of denial, refusing to acknowledge their teen’s behavior, wanting them to be “perfect” or fit into expectations. The first step, Matis says, is to accept the reality of the situation.

In doing so, Matis explains, we’re able to see the truth in our teen’s perspective, even when it contradicts our own. It doesn’t mean we condone their questionable behavior, but it can help us shift our focus towards the behavior's causes!

Instead of reprimanding our kid over and over again vaping to no avail, a dialectical approach can guide us to see why they keep reaching for that vape, says Matis. Maybe the stress of school is overwhelming, and they need an escape. Perhaps they’re feeling symptoms of depression or anxiety! Once we isolate the cause, we can help them find an alternative, or make an appointment with an expert to learn more. With more concrete, productive steps, we can go beyond the endless nagging and see some real change.

In the episode, Matis and I dive deeper into the value of this dialectic approach. Building on that, we also discuss the ineffectiveness of certain parenting tendencies that have negativity at the center–such as judgement and invalidation.

How Words Can Hurt

When we’re refusing to see our kids' perspective and making endless “should” statements–such as “my teen should be getting better grades” or “she should stop dating so much”–we find ourselves judging teens. We might label them as lazy or as a “bad kid”, as a way of dealing with our disappointment or anger. But when we pass judgement, we fail to see the whole picture. We’re not thinking about the causes or nuances of their behavior, or trying to see their perspective. Instead, we’re shutting them, without giving them a chance at redemption.

Matis suggests trying to analyze and reclaim those judgemental thoughts. Is declaring that your teen is “lazy” going to help him become more productive? Is this judgement going to create a loving, nurturing connection between the two of you? It’s unlikely, says Matis. In the episode, He and I discuss how parents can ditch judgement and instead impart more positivity to really see a change.

In the episode, Matis explains how along with passing judgement, parents often invalidate teen’s feelings or thoughts without really noticing. For some parents, invalidation might even seem like encouragement!

For example, say your teen is struggling with calculus and is telling you about it on the drive home from school one day. You might deliver an offhand quip, saying how it was much harder years ago when you took it, and it’s only going to get harder in college. You might tell them this is the easiest it will get. While you think this is encouraging, it may only make your kid feel worse.

In a situation like this, teens are simply trying to communicate how they feel, and even though you may not realize, you might be shutting them down. In the episode, Matis and I discuss how validating teens’ feelings can actually lead them to become better at regulating their own emotions and help them make a smoother transition into adulthood.

So you’ve worked on changing your perspective and watching what you say to teens...but what about things like rewards and punishments? What role can they play in parenting? In our interview, Matis explains how you can use these tools to help teens be their best selves.

Making the Most of Rewards and Punishments

When your kids knock it out of the park, getting an A on a paper or receiving that long awaited college acceptance, you likely want to give them something to show them how proud you are. But it seems these days the go-to reward is some new video game or gadget….and your kid gets enough screen time as it is!

In our interview, Matis and I get into gifts you can give that are outside of the digital realm. He encourages parents to think about just how many privileges they award to their kids on a regular basis already–and to brainstorm small ways to make them more impactful. Even just giving your kid a ride somewhere or getting them a special treat from the grocery store can be super meaningful, says Matis.

But what about punishments? There are a lot of people who think punitive measures are a totally ineffective way to get teens to listen, but Matis isn’t opposed to them. What Matis is concerned about is parents doling out punishments based on emotions! When you’re angry and ground your kid for two weeks on a whim, your kid isn’t going to learn their lesson...or be very happy with yo...

Ep 152: Alcohol, Drugs, and Prevention Aug 22, 2021

Jessica Lahey, author of The Addiction Inoculation and The Gift of Failure, joins us for a second time to talk about her latest book and the power of inoculation theory to help teens say no to alcohol, drugs, and other risky behaviors.

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Full show notes

Stories of addiction and overdoses are incredibly scary. We hear about teens who lose their way after getting in with the wrong crowd, or watch friends and family struggle to keep their lives together while battling substance abuse. As a parent, the last thing you want is for kids to fall into a destructive pattern of addiction that slowly chips away at their mental and physical health….but teens are impressionable and drug and alcohol use among adolescents is on the rise. What can we do to make sure our teens don’t develop a substance use disorder?

Today, we’re talking about prevention. So often, we view substance abuse from the end, looking at the rock bottom as the starting place for recovery. And while it’s important to acknowledge those life-changing moments of realization, it’s time to focus on how we can stop our teens from using drugs at all. In this episode, we’re getting into the steps you can take right now to ensure your teen is safe from substance abuse.

Our guest is Jessica Lahey, author of Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence. With over 20 years of teaching and parenting experience under her belt, Jessica began to write about her experiences, becoming a blogger, journalist, and eventually a best-selling author. Her work with adolescents in rehab clinics pushed her to research and write on the subject of substance abuse–primarily how we can prevent it instead of waiting until our teens hit rock bottom.

In our interview, we’re debating the existence of gateway drugs, explaining how kids get into substance use, and deconstructing the popular myth that it’s better to give kids wine at the dinner table before they reach drinking age. Plus, we’re covering things like academic failure, monitoring teens online activities and more!

The Truth About Adolescent Addiction

We all want to know the truth behind why teens develop addictions–but there are so many myths, stereotypes, and misconceptions to shift through! In our interview, Jessica and I start out by tackling the popular notion of gateway substances. Does the use of marijuana really lead to more serious drug use? Do vapes make kids more inclined to try cigarettes? The answer is more complicated than you might think, and, surprisingly, has a lot to do with racial profiling.

Jessica and I also touch on an often debated topic: the role of genetics in the development of substance abuse. According to Jessica, genetics are about 50 to 60 percent of the risk factor for addiction, but early childhood experiences are also pivotal. Kids can be affected by a whole range of things–whether it’s seriously traumatic experiences or something as common as moving to a new place. The more adverse events kids battle with, the more susceptible they are to substance use disorder...meaning prevention is even more important, says Jessica.

Let’s say you want to keep your kid from experimenting with substances, so you get rid of all the alcohol in the house...but your friends say it’s smarter to just let them have a little bit of wine when the family sits down for dinner. Or, if they’re going to go out with their friends and get drunk anyway, maybe it’s wiser to just give them beers, lock them in the basement and take away their car keys….right? In the episode, Jessica explains how introducing your kids to substances early on can actually backfire.

Now that we’ve separated fact from fiction, let’s talk about action. How can we take steps to prevent alcoholism and drug dependence among our teens? Is it smart to monitor their behaviors or let them make their own way in the world? We cover that in the episode too!

Should You Be Tracking Your Teen?

As a worried parent, it makes sense that you want to know what your kids are up to. Nowadays, you can use technology to follow your kids phone, see their card transactions, read their texts, see what websites they’re visiting….the list goes on! And although it’s tempting to surveil your teen just to make sure they aren’t getting into trouble, Jessica doesn’t recommend it. In the episode, she explains why she suggests that parents take a step back from all the monitoring, even though it’s so accessible.

As Jessica shares in our interview, research shows that the more teens feel that they’re being controlled, the more likely they are to lie to their parents. Plus, they’ve been shown to have less motivation than teens who are more independent! While all that control might make you feel more secure as a parent, you have to let kids face the music on their own, says Jessica. In our interview, she describes the process of “individuation” in which teens learn to do their own thing–away from grown ups. In the episode, she explains how significant this process is for teens to grow into healthy adults.

Instead of focusing on putting up walls for your teen, Jessica emphasizes the value of building bridges. If you can cultivate a strong relationship with your kid based on mutual trust and vulnerability, you might find that you won’t read their texts or track their location to stay in touch with what’s going on in their lives, says Jessica. We talk further in the episode about how to walk the line between being a friend to your kid and being an authority figure.

When it comes to teaching kids to be independent, confident individuals, there’s another area of expertise for Jessica: helping kids handle failure. In our interview, we touch on some fascinating ideas from her first book, The Gift Of Failure: How to Step Back and Let Your Child Succeed.

Flipping Failure on its Head

Teens can be pretty dramatic, taking one small failure and making it into the end of the world. They get upset beyond consolation over one bad grade, or act as though their break up means they’ll never be able to return to school again. As a parent, it can be pretty frustrating to get teens to listen to reason and remember that next week, they’ll forget about the whole thing. If your teen is having trouble handling failure, Jessica has some advice for you!

Her method involves two parts: making failure specific and success general. By honing in on the exact details of a failure, Jessica says we can help teens see it as an isolated incident. For example, say a teenager gets detention for talking to a friend in class. It may make them feel like a bad student, or leave the impression that their teacher hates them.

Jessica suggests prompting your teen to ask themselves why they got into trouble. If they can break down their underlying motivations, they might realize that they were only talking in class because they were nervous about doing well on the test. Jessica stresses the importance of helping them see how they’re still on the road to success. Instead of being a distraction, they were trying to be a dedicated student–and it’s not too late to explain that to their teacher. Using Jessica’s method, you can help teens put their failure in perspective!

In the Episode...

Jess...

Ep 151: Is Your Teen’s Attachment Style Causing Problems? Aug 15, 2021

Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect, shares insight into how attachment styles might be at the root of a distant or dramatic teen--or any relationship problems for that matter! Learn your teen’s attachment style to understand how to prepare them for adulthood.

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Full show notes

It’s important for our teens to connect to others. When we send our kids off into the world, we want to know that they’ll be able to bond with friends, work associates, and romantic partners. Since we won’t be around all the time, we hope that they can find nourishing, fulfilling relationships with other people! But some young adults aren’t quite able to form those types of connections. They become too clingy or distant, trying to force people in or push people out. Not every teen has the capability to maintain healthy relationships!

And while the teen years are influential, attachment styles are usually developed in the first three years of a child’s life–meaning it’s not always easy to help teens who are struggling to form strong bonds. But if we can educate ourselves and our families about the psychology of attachment, we can guide teens to recognize their own patterns. If we give them the ability to analyze their own behavior, they can work towards creating the positive friendships and romantic relationships they deserve.

In this week’s episode, we’re talking to Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Ways Our Earliest Bond Shapes Our Relationships and Lives. Peter is a journalist and author who dedicated six years to interviewing experts and scouring publications to understand the ins and outs of how we bond to one another! Now, he’s here to touch on some fascinating facts about relationships, attachments, and more.

Today, we’re getting into the different styles of attachment: secure, avoidant, and anxious–and talking about what parents can do to help teens who have difficulty with friendships or early romantic partners. Pate and I are also sharing the strengths and weaknesses of each kind of attachment, and why it can be so important to help teens discover their own personal tendencies when it comes to forming bonds with others.

The Three Different Attachment Styles

Everyone is unique and there are so many factors that determine the nature of a relationship, but Peter defines three different types of attachment we can use to help define and understand our connections to others: secure, avoidant, and anxious. These patterns of bonding are created when we’re infants, but continue to affect us throughout our adult lives. About 95% of us can be grouped into one of these three categories.

It all depends on our relationship with our primary caregiver during our first three years of life, says Peter. Those who receive protection and care from a trusted adult typically develop a secure attachment style. These folks are able to create and maintain healthy boundaries with friends and partners, experience trust and intimacy, and handle setbacks in life with confidence and self assurance. About 55% of people fall into this category, says Peter.

But someone who experiences little to no affection or protection from a caregiver might find themselves with an avoidant attachment style. Instead of comfortably being vulnerable with others, people with avoidant attachment patterns shy away from intimacy, says Peter. They are often so self sufficient that they won’t let anyone else close to them. Those who receive inconsistent care can develop an anxious attachment style. This means they might feel nervous that their partner will leave or experience a constant rollercoaster of feeling desired and unwanted, Peter explains.

In the episode, Peter and I discuss how even if a parent gives plenty of time and attention to their child, the child can still develop anxious or avoidant patterns of attachment. It’s not black and white! He insists that parents shouldn’t be angry with themselves if their teen exhibits traits of insecure attachment. Instead, he suggests that they help teens understand their own patterns so they can live their best lives.

Helping Teens Get In Tune with Their Attachment

If you want your teen to form healthy relationships, helping them define their attachment patterns is a good place to start! Peter suggests they take a simple, five minute attachment quiz, widely available online, or talk to a psychologist for a professional diagnosis. Once you figure out if a teen has secure, anxious, or avoidant tendencies, there are so many ways you can use that information to help them, says Peter.

Even though these patterns are developed in early life, they often start to reveal themselves around the teen years when kids have their first romantic relationships or serious, long term friendships. By helping teens understand attachment patterns, they’ll be able to understand why they broke up with their boyfriend for the sixth time this week or why their latest BFF is being sooooo dramatic!

Plus, these styles of attachment factor into other parts of teenage life, says Peter. For a teen with an avoidant attachment style, playing on a soccer team with a bunch of their peers can be pretty difficult. These teens are often better suited to track and field or swimming, where they can make the most of their independence.

Peter and I get into a conversation about dating, and he gives tips for how teens or parents can figure out someone’s attachment style from just a first date. Interestingly, we also discuss how attachment has changed in the 21st century, and why we should be cautious about the role technology plays in our relationships with our kids.

Attachment in the Digital Age

As a parent raising a kid in today's tech-filled world, you might be nervous about your teen getting too much screen time. Although smartphones and laptops allow us to connect with those who are miles away or even meet new friends online, they can also isolate us from each other. Peter and I discuss a recent study which found that kids today are twice as likely to have anxious or avoidant attachment styles...and Peter suspects that our digital gadgets have something to do with it.

For a kid to develop secure attachment, says Peter, they have to have to have more than just time with a parent–that parent must be attuned to that kid’s every behavioral tendency. His worry for today’s parents is that phones, TVs and computers might be acting as a distracting force, keeping that attunement from developing between kids and parents. In the episode, we discuss how you can guide your kids towards healthy attachment, even if your devices tend to get in the way.

In the end, Peter says parents shouldn’t beat themselves up if they notice that their teen has some trouble with attachment. There are so many factors–everything from birth order to economics affects a child’s attachment patterns. Peter’s advice is to help kids become self aware and understand how they act in relationships or how they respond to setbacks in life. If they can do this, they’ll have a brighter future ahead of them.

In the Episode….

Peter’s fascinating findings about attachment are helpful to any parent who wants to help their kid form healthier relationships. On top of the topics discussed above, we cover:

How to change your teen'...

Ep 150: Healthy Habits for Teens Aug 08, 2021

Sid Garza-Hillman, author of Raising Healthy Parents, joins us to discuss healthy living and how anyone can start living healthier by taking small steps every day. Plus, the importance of dealing with stress, the number one obstacle standing in the way of what parents want.

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Full show notes

Getting kids to eat healthy is no easy task. Not only do they resist apples and broccoli, they tend to have a fit when you don’t take them to McDonalds after soccer practice or reach for cookies at the grocery store. Plus, it’s hard enough to keep yourself on a healthy diet! After a long day of working and parenting, it almost seems like second nature to fill up a glass of wine and microwave some nachos!

And although you might put your own health on the back burner, creating a healthy family includes healthy parents too. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you’re not being your best self, meaning you aren’t fully there for your kids! Plus, how are you going to convince your kids to be active and fill their body with nutrients when you’re on the couch eating a Snickers bar?

To understand how both parents and kids can lead happier, more nutritious lifestyles, we’re talking to Sid Garza-Hillman, author of Raising Healthy Parents: Small Steps, Less Stress, and a Thriving Family. As a nutritionist, Sid has guided individuals and families away from unhealthy habits into prosperous ways of living! His groundbreaking approach to nutrition and holistic health emphasizes the value of reducing stress and taking small steps to arrive at a healthier life.

In our interview, we’re covering the different kinds of stress, and how too much stress on a parent can lead not only to unhealthy living, but also make life tougher for the entire family. We’re getting into some nutrition science and psychology to reveal how you and your family can change your eating habits for good. Plus, we’re discussing how you can introduce healthier options to your kids without them running in the other direction.

Reducing Stress For a Healthier Family

In his work as a nutritionist, Sid often found that his clients couldn’t seem to stick to a healthy diet any longer than two months. When he asked himself why, he realized that it wasn’t because they needed more information–he had told them everything they needed to know. It was because they were totally stressed out from life and hadn’t developed healthier ways of dealing with it than eating junk food! For parents who manage insane schedules, stress is a huge cause of unhealthy habits.

Sid explains how a level of stress can be labeled as “adaptive stress”, meaning it spurns us on just enough to grow and evolve. But a high level of stress puts the human body in survival mode, raising blood pressure and heart rate, weakening the immune and digestive systems, and causing weight gain. And when parents find themselves in this state, not only does their physical health decline, but their parenting is affected too. Sid emphasizes the importance of taking care of your own health if you want to raise healthy kids!

Plus, it’s important to practice what you preach, says Sid. Nagging your kids to be healthier isn’t going to work if you don’t set a good example. Showing them that you care about your body will encourage them to do the same for themselves. In the episode, Sid and I share how you can develop a more active routine and healthier diet–and rope kids into doing the same. Plus, we discuss what he calls “stealing moments of recovery,” a simple way for parents to decrease their stress on an everyday basis.

So you want to create healthier habits to cope with stress more effectively...but you don’t know what exactly you should be eating to be “healthy.” Does that mean less calories? More fruit? Sid gives some priceless nutrition advice in our interview.

The Essentials of Eating Healthy

Although diet fads and fitness gurus make nutrition sound complicated so they can sell you supplements or recipes, eating healthy is actually pretty simple, says Sid. He compares food to a gift box. All food has calories, the same way all wrapped gifts have wrapping paper. But what’s important is looking past the paper to what’s inside the box, or what kind of nutrients the calories contain. Are there vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, or just empty calories that don’t nurture the body?

So what foods does Sid recommend? Mostly fruit and veggies, beans and whole grains, seeds and nuts...and keep the rest of the stuff to a minimum! And even though eating healthy might seem like an insurmountable task, it doesn’t have to be, says Sid. It’s not too hard to throw some fruit and almond milk together in the morning to make a smoothie, or whip up a salad with a few veggies.

Sid champions a method called “MOT” or “most of the time.” This means that as long as you're sticking to a healthy diet most of the time, then you’re in the clear! Don’t sweat and fret over the small stuff, Sid insists, or you’ll just be tempted to give up entirely. It’s ok to have pizza for dinner, or for kids to have two slices of cake at a birthday party, so long as your family’s regular diet doesn’t consist of feeding yourself or your kids junk, says Sid.

Talking to Kids About Health

The last thing we want to do is make kids feel bad about their bodies. So how can we have a talk with them about adopting a healthier lifestyle without body-shaming them? Sid explains that the conversation shouldn’t be about their weight, but instead about their vitality. He suggests reminding them of all the amazing benefits they’ll see in their lives if they opt to take care of themselves instead of filling their bodies with junk.

And although it can be hard for you and your family to say goodbye to the toaster waffles you usually eat for breakfast, Sid recommends thinking of it as a trade rather than a restriction. Instead of viewing these new dietary guidelines as punishment, it can be a lot more fulfilling to focus on the incredible benefits of making healthier choices. Although your kids might not be upset when you replace their Cheetos with sprouts, helping them understand that they’ll have more energy to hit home runs or draw some cool doodles can work wonders!

No matter what, it’s important to have a discussion with kids about health, says Sid. Kids’ prefrontal cortexes have yet to fully develop, meaning they’re likely to act on impulse instead of make rational decisions. If they’re informed about the consequences of eating 10 donuts in one sitting, they’ll be more inclined to think critically about how that choice will affect their bodies.

In the Episode...

Sid has some seriously innovative ideas about how we can create a healthier lifestyle for our entire family! On top the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

How to get your teens to behave more healthy
The trick to getting kids to like vegetables (and other foods)
The “everything in moderation” myth
How to use Sid’s signature “small steps” method for any habit you want to start or change

Sid’s advice on creating change is backed up by psychology research and I hope listeners can leverage it to create the changes they want to make in their own families and lives! Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week.

Foll...

Ep 149: Does Your Teen Look Good On Paper? Aug 01, 2021

Aviva Legatt, author of Get Real and Get In, joins us for a behind-the-scenes look at the college admissions process and what your teen can do to stand out from the crowd. Plus, how being on student council might actually hurt their chances!

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Full show notes

We’ve always been told that the secret to getting a teen into college is for them to look perfect on paper. We nag them to join the honors society, sign them up for a hundred SAT tests, or even convince them to quit guitar lessons to make time for academic decathlon. But what if simply checking all the right boxes of what colleges are “looking for” isn’t the right approach anymore? Could it be that admissions officers are getting a little bored of reading essay after essay about the challenges of AP biology?

We might just be so focused on helping teens fit the mold we aren’t encouraging them to think outside of the box! More than just routine extracurriculars or high test scores, admissions officers want to see that kids have unique talents and passions. Instead of pushing kids to drop dance for the debate team, maybe it’s time we talked to them about how their natural interests can propel them towards a brighter future.

To get a behind-the-scenes peek at what college admissions officers are really looking for, we’re talking to Aviva Legatt, author of Get Real and Get In: How to Get Into the College of Your Dreams by Being Your Authentic Self. She’s also the founder of Ivy Insight, the gold standard in college admissions consulting! Her advice for your teen? Forget what they’ve been taught about being the “perfect” college applicant, and be themselves instead!

Aviva and I are talking about what she calls the “impressiveness paradox”, or why fancy shmancy credentials alone might not help your teen get into the school of their dreams. We’re also covering how teens can tap into their passions to find their potential, and the value of making connections with people on campus before even submitting their application.

Getting in by Being Authentic

Students and parents are constantly told the same things about getting into college: they’ll need perfect grades, perfect test scores, and academic extracurriculars to round it all out. And sure, that might have been the golden formula for getting in a decade or so ago...but times are changing! More and more students apply every year, with thousands of students submitting the same “ideal” college app. Aviva explains that for admissions officers, this rigid approach is no longer the key to getting that acceptance letter.

Instead of trying to seem perfect, kids should be aiming to be themselves, says Aviva. Those reading applications are much more interested in a student who seems authentic, someone who shows they have a spark of excitement and passion. If kids are enrolling in a coding club but just sitting in the back of the meetings texting, college admissions officers are going to see through that facade! Just going through the motions of being a model applicant won’t thrill anyone.

So how can students show off their real interests in their application? In the episode, Aviva drops some tips for students to exhibit their genuine love for orchestra or student government. This includes not only writing killer essays, but also finding the right letters of rec to highlight their spirited involvement in whatever it is they love to do. The goal is for the student’s joy and passion to come off the page while an admissions officer is reading it!

Not sure what your teen’s passion is or how they can write about it? Aviva and I tackle that too!

Turning Passion into Purpose

For teens who love gaming or jamming out on the drums, it can be hard to turn their interest and a winning college app. Aviva suggests inquiring what it is about music or Fortnite that excites your teen. Consider evaluating what skills and benefits their chosen pastime brings to their lives and the lives of others!

For example, if your teen is a film buff, there might not be a clear life skill involved. But your teen probably has a rich knowledge of history and the arts. Maybe they’re wise about the business side of the industry! They might even consider setting up and running community movie nights, to benefit a charity. Then, when they go to work on that application, they’ll be able to describe how they marketed the event, overcame the technical challenges of the projector, collaborated with others to put the event on, and so on and so forth!

As adults who’ve seen a little more of life’s challenges, we know that not every one of our teens' passions is going to bring financial stability. It’s easy to assert ourselves in their decisions and tell them what to spend their time doing. But Aviva suggests taking a backseat and letting kids find their interests on their own. Then, when they’ve found something, she recommends encouraging them to run with it! By providing opportunities and allowing them to spread their wings, you’ll help them become confident and capable adults.

Now, even an application that’s buzzing with originality could benefit from some good ol’ fashioned networking. Aviva and I discuss how your teen can make some connections on campus before applying to make their application pop.

Networking to Get Noticed

We all know that a job application can benefit from knowing some folks at the company. A cover letter addressed to a specific person is always more powerful! So why shouldn’t a college application be the same? In the episode, Aviva gives the lowdown on how teens can get to know some folks at their dream school to give their application an extra bit of oomph.

The trick is getting to know some people on campus! Aviva has a three part checklist for teens who are trying to make connections with the administration at any school. The first step is for your teen to define their intentions. What programs or extracurriculars will they be involved in once they start attending? Have they picked a major yet? These choices can guide teens to reach out to staff members of certain departments or specific program coordinators. It also helps teens know what questions to ask when they do get in contact!

The next step is to ask for a bit of that person’s time. Although it might be intimidating, these folks are educators! Their goal is to guide students on a learning journey. Most likely, if teens tell them they’re a student, they’ll be happy to have a chat, says Aviva. The last step is a follow up. She suggests teens send a note or an email thanking them for taking the time to talk. This will help them remember who your teen is and will leave a good impression, so when their name comes up in the application process, they’ll have a leg up.

In the Episode….

This week’s interview is chock full of valuable advice for college applicants and their parents! On top of the topics mentioned above, we cover:

How the application process can help teens self reflect
Why the apps have changed over the years
What teens can learn from their weaknesses
How to help a teen who’s a little too worked up about their applications

I loved Aviva’s message about applying to college: no matter where you get in, getting real is invaluable.

Ep 148: The Biggest Financial Decision of Their Lives Jul 25, 2021

Dr. Beth Akers, author of Making College Pay and an economist, takes a cold hard look with Andy at what the data says about “investing” in college. What’s more important: choice of major or choice of college?

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Full show notes

Deciding on a college is one of the biggest decisions teens will make in their lives. There are so many factors to consider. How big are the classes? Will they be able to make connections in their chosen field? What do the dorms look like? With so many different schools and so many majors, finding the right fit can feel impossible.

But there’s one aspect of the college search we don’t always talk about, even though it’s arguably the most important of all: the finances. We’re often so focused on helping young adults find a place that feels right or looks beautiful that we neglect to dive deep into how we’re going to foot the bill, in the present and down the line, in the case of loans.

And even if we do find a way to pay, we often don’t pause to consider whether the degree we’re paying for is going to deliver a return on investment! This is especially true for those of us who are taking out loans. If we’re going to be in debt, it’s wise to know if and when we’ll eventually be able to pay it off.

To really wrap our heads around college finances, we’re talking to Beth Akers, author of Making College Pay: An Economist Explains How to Make a Smart Bet on Higher Education. Beth is a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and an expert in the economics of labor and higher education. She believes that everyone should have access to comprehensive financial information about college, so they can avoid making a decision they regret.

In our interview, we’re breaking down why we often don’t talk about the financial aspects of choosing a college. We're also talking about how a student’s major affects their future prospects, and revealing a smarter way to go about taking out loans. If you’re searching for the best way to educate your kids without breaking the bank, this episode is for you!

Changing the College Conversation

When it comes to picking a school, we often encourage young people to follow their heart, and do what feels right. We romanticize the idea of finding a school that’s the perfect fit, a place they’ll fall in love with where they’ll have the time of their lives. And while it’s important to consider this sentimental side of college, we tend to completely ignore the practical side: how much it will cost, how it’s going to get paid for and if it’s really a sound financial decision!

In fact, when Beth traveled to college campuses and quizzed students on how much they were spending on tuition...most of them didn’t know! Beth believes this is why so many people get stuck with an unpayable amount of debt after they graduate, because they didn’t figure out a plan before jumping in. Although it would be nice if we could romanticize college and see it as a purely emotional journey, the reality is that college is expensive! For most people, figuring out how to afford their degree should be a hot topic of conversation, not an afterthought, says Beth.

When it comes down to it, college is often the biggest financial event of a person’s life, other than maybe buying a house! So why don’t we talk about it in the same light as paying off a mortgage?? In the episode, Beth and I break down why it is that we focus on prestigious names or pretty campuses instead of payment plans. Interestingly, social media can play a role, says Beth, as students want to show off their enrollment at a shiny private school...even if it’s going to put them in debt for the rest of their lives!

Although picking a school definitely matters, Beth explains in the episode that salaries after college actually depend a lot more on the graduate’s major than their chosen college. She and I get into how your student’s course of study factors into the financial risk of attendance.

Making the Most of a Major

Picking a major is never an easy process. Kids often find themselves torn between their passion and a more practical choice. Beth’s goal is to simply give the financial data on what graduates of different majors earn, not to necessarily tell students what major to choose. In her book, she outlines which majors are financially lucrative and which ones aren’t quite so promising. Beth advises parents and teens to use this information to decide whether or not they’ll be able to pay back loans after they get their diploma.

Beth also explains that we tend to paint with broad strokes when it comes to majors: defining science and math as more valuable and art is a less wise choice. In fact there’s more variation in the earnings of graduates across schools and majors than you might think. All in all, she advises people to become informed about how much of a financial gamble they are taking when they pick a major, and then assess their own personal tolerance for risk .

But what about the kids who don’t know what they want to do? In the episode, Beth and I weigh the pros and cons of going into college undeclared. Beth is reluctant to encourage teens to jump right into an expensive degree if they don’t quite know what they’re doing. Adding on extra years of college to try and figure out a path is a pretty costly way to go about self discovery! Although it’s often frowned upon in our culture, Beth suggests students take a gap year, or engage in activities outside of secondary education to help them find some direction before enrolling in classes.

Once students have selected a school and a major, they have to settle on a budget...which often means taking out student loans. Often, these loans can become a nightmare after a student’s graduation. Beth and I discuss loan repayment in our interview, and she reveals a unique strategy for making the most of a college savings account.

Student Loan Secrets

As an economist, Beth has some outside-the-box ideas about how parents and students can take on the student loan process. If you had a chunk of cash reserved for college, the best thing to do would be to spend it on tuition...right? Actually, Beth has another method she recommends, a method that includes, surprisingly, taking out loans. In the episode, she explains how, by investing your college savings, you can get a higher return, which you can then use to pay off your loan debt when you graduate.

Of course, this also takes financial discipline. Instead of spending those savings, you’ll have to leave them in your investments to collect interest. This might seem simple to some, but could feel impossible to others! It depends on how you or your teen handle your personal finances.

She also explains how taking on federal student loans can actually be a smart idea for some people. To start, they have pretty low interest rates–around 3%. And although they can be a headache to deal with, there have been small policy changes over the last few years that actually make them a realistic option for some, she says. Depending on how much you earn after graduating, you can make fairly small payments, or even pay zero. And if your income happens to stay low, there are ways the loans can eventually be forgiven.

In the Episode…

Beth’s brilliant mind and extensive economic wisdom makes for an incredibly i...

Ep 147: Dedicated, Purposeful Teens Jul 18, 2021

Pete Davis, author of Dedicated, speaks to us about the power of commitment in an age of infinite options. Plus, what to say to a teen trying everything to gain status.

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Full show notes

Some teens just don’t want to commit to anything! They go to one lacrosse team practice but quickly lose interest, quit piano lessons when the songs get difficult and avoid debate team meetings after school...even though they signed up for the whole year! As a parent, it can be frustrating to watch them shrug off any kind of obligation. You know getting involved in activities will help them gain new skills and make friends. So how can you get them to see how valuable commitments can be?

The truth is that kids these days are stuck in browsing mode. With so many distractions, it’s hard for them to focus on one thing. And even when they find something they care about, society tells them not to settle, not to get tied down, not to stick with anything that isn’t their “perfect” calling. But if we can help kids understand just how rewarding it is to find a lasting passion or commit to a craft, we can guide them towards a brighter, happier future.

This week, we’re talking to Pete Davis, author of Dedicated: The Case for Commitment in the Age of Infinite Browsing. Pete spoke at Harvard University’s 2018 graduation ceremony about the value of being committed to something meaningful. Since then, the video of his speech has been viewed over 30 million times! His inspiring message about dedication might be just what your teen needs to hear.

Pete and I dive into the power of commitment in this week’s episode. We cover the importance of helping teens find a craft, discuss why kids should give up on the notion of finding their “calling”, and explain how it can be valuable for young adults to pick something and stick to it! If you want to help your kid find a fulfilling future but don’t quite know what advice to give, you won’t want to miss this episode!

The Importance of Getting Involved

We know that playing football keeps teens in shape and learning the guitar allows kids to play their favorite songs...but these benefits are just the tip of the iceberg. Teens can gain so much from finding a craft they love and committing to it. In the episode, Pete and I chat about how hobbies and extracurriculars help teens learn to take feedback, persevere through difficulties, and find community.

Pete and I talk about his time playing the piano as an example. From the age of 5 to 13, he worked with the same piano teacher, constantly improving his playing along the way. By committing to one mentor and one activity for so long, Pete was able to track his progress, see his evolution and create strong connections to both his teacher and other students. By the time he stopped taking lessons at 18, he experienced what he describes as one of life’s greatest pleasures: looking back and understanding the beauty of the journey.

Pursuits like painting and baseball are about so much more than just winning games or getting into galleries, says Pete. They empower teens by showing them that they’re capable of greatness! Plus, they teach kids that there are forces bigger than themselves that they can contribute to and feel good about. These lessons will help them head into adult life with confidence and purpose.

In addition, crafts help teens find heroes and mentors who encourage them to strive for excellence. Along with his amazing piano teacher, Pete was constantly encouraged by idols: famous folks who’d accomplished extraordinary feats. He advises parents to indulge in a teen’s interest in prominent figures, as it will allow teens to see how greatness is achieved. If your teen is into filmmaking and fosters a love for Steven Spielberg, it might be a good idea to get them a Spielberg biography!

Sometimes however, even when teens have an inkling about what they like to do, they’re not quite ready to commit. They fear choosing the wrong thing, wonder if they’ll regret their decision, fuss over what others think. This indecisiveness can lead teens to a state of analysis paralysis, where they just sort of do...nothing! Pete and I delve into how we can prevent teens from getting stuck in this space, what he calls the “menu screen of life.”

How Commitment Cultivates Passion

Our society tells young people that they shouldn’t settle for less than the perfect pursuit. Teens are told that they need to hold out for a flawless opportunity, the thing that ignites the fireworks of their passion without any drawbacks! Now, it’s pretty obvious to those of us who’ve been around a little longer that these shiny, spectacular opportunities...don’t really exist! No job, extracurricular or subject of study is going to be perfect. Everything requires sacrifice and compromise.

If teens spend too much time twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the “right” thing to come along, they’ll only find themselves with nothing at all! That’s why Pete recommends teens find something that interests them and simply stick with it. Of course, if teens are miserable or end up involved in a toxic situation, they shouldn’t trap themselves by committing to it. But studies show that when we buckle down on an activity we have at least some interest in, we often find ourselves becoming incredibly passionate about it–even if we aren’t quite sure at first.

That commitment can be pretty scary, especially when we’re entering a big office full of people we’ve never met or trying something we haven’t done before. But if we can persevere through the messy parts, there’s so much empowerment waiting on the other side, says Pete.

The more we put time and effort into something, the more it reveals it’s benefits to us, says Pete. In the episode, we discuss a psychological phenomenon known as the psychological immune system. When we commit ourselves to something, our brain essentially just adjusts to match our newfound reality. Lotto winners find themselves just as happy (or unhappy) as they were before winning. And those who commit to something find it becomes their purpose, simply because it’s what they do everyday!

In the episode, Pete and I discuss how we often think greatness will be thrust upon us one day. We imagine that we’ll find ourselves in a circumstance where we save someone from a burning building, or make a grand speech that convinces the love of our life not to fly to Paris after all! But these notions are merely cinematic. If we really want greatness, says Pete, we must commit to waking up everyday and striving for it.

In the Episode….

Pete is not only brilliant, but a blast to talk to! This week’s episode is as fun as it is informative. We answer all your questions about commitment, including:

Why it’s important to have “browsing periods”
How quitting can actually help teens commit
What causes teen’s fear of commitment
How you can help teens make big decisions

Although teens might be reluctant to stick to any one thing, Pete’s advice can help. If you enjoyed listening, check him out at Petedavis.org. You can also grab his book wherever books are sold. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll see you next time!

Ep 146: How AI Impacts Our Teens Jul 11, 2021

John Zerilli, PhD, author of A Citizen’s Guide to Artificial Intelligence, clues us in on how AI is affecting us right now and what it means for our teens and families. Plus, John’s prediction for when AI could take over--and what skills teens should hone in preparation.

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Our kids are growing up in a world where technology is expanding at a mind blowing pace! Every year they find themselves with shiny new social media apps, ten new video games that they HAVE to play, and fancy devices that are so much cooler than what came out last year. As a parent you may feel unsure about the best way to raise your teens in this tech-filled world. How can you get them to put down their phone and focus on college apps? Or even just go outside and get a little exercise?

While all this tech can be a distraction, it can also be pretty dangerous. There are some pretty frightening parts of the online landscape! Kids might accidentally find themselves entrenched in a hate group or engaged in dark, fringe content. Not to mention that as coders and computer experts become better and better at programming artificial intelligence, teens might find their future jobs at risk–or even experience prejudice as a result of robotic resume readers!

How is that all possible, you ask? John Zerilli, AI expert and this week’s guest, is here to tell us. He’s a research fellow at the University of Cambridge, and the author of A Citizen’s Guide to Artificial Intelligence. John predicts that in the coming years, AI is poised to infiltrate every area of our lives. He believes everyone has a right to be educated about it! He's here today to chat about how we can guide our teens through the coming technological revolution and ensure that they have bright and prosperous futures.

In today’s interview, we’re discussing how we can make cyberspace a safer place for kids. We’re also talking about how the job market is changing as AI grows in relevance and explains how racial and gender biases can be perpetuated by computer programs. So stick around, because you're not going to want to miss out on all this fascinating tech talk!

Setting Rules for Safe Browsing

For young people with curious minds, a simple visit to Youtube or Facebook can sometimes end in a bad place. Although they might not seek out damaging material, the algorithms on these websites can often act as a rabbit hole, John explains. Teens can find themselves pulled deeper and deeper into something dark just because it might pique interest or fascination. As they click, they get further from where they started and more engrossed into Q-Anon conspiracies, pornography or even racially offensive content.

Luckily, there are ways we can combat this. John and I emphasize the value of setting rules and guidelines for kids’ internet use so they don’t find themselves spiraling into harmful stuff. In the episode, we dive deeper into how we can help teens create these boundaries for safer internet use. We also talk about how important it can be to have conversations with kids about thinking critically when they consume content. John explained how we can guide them to shift through the material and separate the truth from the fiction.

When encouraging teens to think about the way they interact online, John also recommends talking to them about the “Echo Chamber”. This is a common trap social media users fall into, where they only interact with content that reinforces their own biases and viewpoints. You may have seen how this phenomenon affects adults, especially when it comes to politics! Teens can be just as vulnerable to this effect, if not more so, so John says it’s important to chat with them about being open minded before they find themselves unable to even consider other viewpoints besides their own.

Another place where the expansion of tech causes some questions and concerns from worried parents is the future job market. Are there going to be less opportunities when things become more automated? Are there more careers in tech spaces as computers become more powerful? What can we do to ensure our kids will thrive in a future driven by robotics?

Coming of Age in the Digital Age

Although many people are worried that automation will wreak havoc on the job market, John says that there’s no cause for concern just yet. We’re still far from a future of robot butlers and flying cars.

John explains that there are two kinds of AI: weak and strong. Weak AI is what we use in our daily lives, programs like Siri or Alexa, or the algorithm on Amazon which tells us which sweatpants we should buy. Strong AI is much more complex and sophisticated. For an automated program to fall into this category, it would have to be able to think like a human, moving from task to task with ease and understanding the complicated implications behind a simple command, says John.

For example, if you told a robot to “go to the store and pick up milk”, it would likely stroll down to the store, find a carton of milk, physically pick it up….and that’s all! For the program to understand that it needs to actually purchase the milk and bring it home, it would need to be at a higher level of intelligence than it is currently possible to program. This kind of machine thinking is what John describes as the “holy grail” of AI, and won’t be reached for at least one hundred years, according to John.

But still, it’s easy to be worried that teens are entering a less-than lucrative job market as things become more automated. So what kind of jobs should they be pursuing? In the episode, John and I delve deep into which jobs are at risk and which ones are safe. We also discuss how we can revisit our education system to ensure that kids are prepared for the obstacles they’ll face as they enter this new digital reality.

Interestingly, there are other parts of AI that might make your kids job search difficult. Although it may seem counterintuitive, AI has been proven to have racial and gender biases. You want your kid to have just as many opportunities as anyone else..so how can combat this confusing conundrum?

Programs and Prejudice

How could I robot possibly perpetuate discrimination? Aren’t they supposed to be purely logical? I was fascinated to hear John explain in our interview that because an overwhelming majority of computer programmers are whie men, the programs they build have been shown to work for white men much better than those of diverse identities. A classic example is facial recognition software! Programs intended to classify an individual's face are often much more effective at identifying specific white men, but not those of different ethnicities.

Although it seems like computers would be free of opinion, they tend to pass along the biases of those who program them. As John says, “rubbish in, rubbish out.” This same problem occurs when computers sift through stacks of resumes. When tests have been run to see how effective computers are at choosing candidates, researchers have found that programs just throw out any name that sounds feminine, severely limiting the chances of female applicants!

John explains that this is likely because, historically, women tend to leave their places of work earlier rather than later, due to pregnancy. Of course, this isn’t a valid reason not to hire women, and in fact, could definitely ...

Ep 145: How To Raise A Better Learner Jul 04, 2021

Dr. Barbara Oakley, author of Uncommon Sense Teaching, delivers the best ways to get ahead in academics based on her research in education, neuroscience, and teaching. Is memorizing helpful or a waste of time? Who can procrastinate and get away with it? How can we help our teens be better learners?

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Full show notes

Getting teens to sit down and practice math can feel impossible. We go around in circles trying to convince them to practice the algebra portion of the SAT, or nag them after school to finish their calculus homework before turning on the Xbox. No matter how many times we assure them that math skills are critical to a successful life, they just don’t seem to care! We can lead them to water, but we just can’t make them drink.

According to today’s guest, the secret to motivating math-reluctant teens might lie in cognitive science. In her recent work, she’s discovered and documented some fascinating findings about the complexities of the human mind. Specifically, she's gained some unique insights on the way humans learn. She’s here to tell parents how they can help kids not only master STEM material–but have fun doing it!

Her name is Barbara Oakley and she’s the author of both the bestselling A Mind For Numbers and the brand new Uncommon Sense: Teaching Practical Insights in Brain Science to Help Students Learn. Although she’s now a professor of engineering at Rochester College, she was once a student who struggled in science and math. When one of her own students prompted her to think critically about how she became a whiz at crunching numbers, she decided to dive into the neuroscience of learning to figure out how students can master math, even if they tend to lag behind.

In our interview, we’re discussing the difference between long term memory and working memory, and sharing how understanding these systems in our minds can help us become better learners. We’re also chatting about the importance of practice and how you can get kids to actually do it! In addition, we’re breaking down misconceptions about procrastination and how to motivate a teen who’s more interested in video games than cracking open the books.

Why Memory Matters

When we think about the role memory plays in academics, we typically think about memorizing enough material to pass a test or give a presentation. But what about the memory we need to complete a word problem in just a few minutes? Or to quickly recite a phone number? In the episode, Barbara defines the difference between the two distinct types of memory: long term memory and working memory.

Long term memory is the stuff we recall, well, long term! This includes everything from remembering how to speak English to being able to get home without a GPS. Different but equally important is working memory, or how much information we can store and manipulate over a short period. For example, when we’re working on an equation, we've got to hold the numbers in our head long enough to finish it. This is where our working memory comes in. Without this function of our mind, we wouldn’t be able to make it through the day!

To truly get the hang of mathematics, a mastery of the working memory is invaluable, but not at all required, says Barbara. In fact, those students with smaller or less efficient working memories can actually approach math from a different angle, making them math experts with a unique perspective. In the episode, Barbara explains how you can help a teen who’s been pigeonholed as “bad at math” learn to compute like Einstein.

Spoiler alert: the answer mostly lies in practice. But teens don’t really want to do that, do they? So how can we convince them to get in some geometry repetition instead of picking up the ipad and playing Candy Crush all afternoon?

The Power of Practice

We know that practice is extremely valuable when it comes to learning math, but we struggle endlessly to get kids to actually do the work. Why is getting kids to figure out equations as difficult as pulling teeth?

To explain, Barbara contrasts learning math to learning to ride a bike. When kids are trying to get the hang of biking, they can see other kids riding down the street, popping wheelies and having a grand ol’ time. This motivates them to push through the pain of falling and flailing to become expert bike operators.

Being good at math can be just as fulfilling as riding a bike, but it’s rare that teens catch a glimpse of someone sitting in front of a calculator and think “I wish I could do that!” In the episode, Barbara covers how parents can help teens get past that “falling” stage when it comes to mastering math.

In addition, practice can help bridge the gender gap when it comes to STEM subjects. Barbara breaks down why it is that boys are seen as being naturally good at math, while girls are viewed as strong in social sciences–even though research shows there is absolutely no difference in math ability between the sexes. By pushing girls to practice math instead of leading them away from it, we can help them overcome the discouragement they might be facing from teachers or society at large.

So if you’re having your teen do extra math problems in the summer or signing them up for SAT prep classes, you might be helping them more than you think, says Barbara. In our talk, Barbara dives deeper into motivating teens to hit the math books by dissecting a practice known as the Pomodoro method.

A Unique Approach to Focus

Your teen comes home after school, has a snack...and then flips on some Netflix. They know they have statistics homework to get cracking on, but they’re not really interested in that right now. Next thing they know, it’s ten pm, and they haven’t even glanced at their textbook. Then they try to cram all that information late at night to no avail. How can we help teens break this destructive cycle of procrastination?

To start, Barbara breaks down the misconception that procrastination is effective. Although waiting all day can help you process information and brainstorm ideas for a prompt, procrastination definitely does not come in handy when it comes to learning new things. The more we put studying off and then try to squish it all in before a deadline, the more we find ourselves hitting walls and struggling to remember material.

In order to curb procrastination, Barbara introduces the concept of a “Pomodoro” in our interview. This consists of focusing for twenty five minutes, taking a five minute break to do something rewarding, then going back to the task at hand.

Barbara explains how this is super effective for helping distractible teens focus, because it allows the brain to transfer information from the working memory to the long term while also providing teens with time to chill and breathe. In our talk, Barbara and I delve into the different types of learning in order to explain why this Pomodoro method might be the secret to success for your teen.

In the Episode...

Barbara shares endless fascinating information about how our mind’s function in this week’s interview. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we discuss:

How our education system is failing to adapt to new findings
Why a little bit of stress can boost learning
How t...

Ep 144: Add More To Life With Subtraction Jun 27, 2021

Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract, shares his research on the science of taking things away, simplification, and subtraction to make more space for better ways of living. How to scale back tech use, clean up our calendars, and streamline family rules is coming up!

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Full show notes

When kids are driving us up the wall and we want to regain control, we add rules. Then, later down the line...we add more rules. Soon we find ourselves trying to figure out a rule for every video game and homework assignment. As humans and parents, we’re wired to add more and more structure, attempting to create a sense of security. But sometimes the answer doesn’t lie in addition–it lies in subtraction!

We often fail to consider that maybe instead of putting more on our plate, we can instead take something away. This is because in our evolutionary pursuit of survival, humans have gained an affinity for acquisition. We used to hunt and gather to acquire food, but in our modern world, this need to attain means we like to add new objects, responsibilities, and ideas to our life. When uncertainty rears its head, we automatically think addition is the answer. However, if we consider letting something go instead, we might see a better path was right in front of us all along.

In today’s episode, we’re talking to Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract: The Untapped Science of Less. Leidy pulls from his innovative behavioral research and years of design and engineering experience to break down why we as a species feel inclined to add more and more to our lives without removing the things that drag us down.

Leidy and I are discussing why it is that our brains are so predisposed to pile more on without considering the possibility of letting something go. We also cover how we can help teens make some smart subtractions when it comes to technology, and explain how you and your teen can practice subtraction in everyday life.

Why We Take on Too Much

As a species, our inclination to keep adding comes from both biological and societal forces, says Leidy. Our ancestors learned to accumulate more ideas and objects as they fought for survival, and that urge still sticks with us today. Our consumerist society is another contributing factor, with advertisements boasting endless add-ons (if you just call now!) and commercials telling us that we NEED to buy the newest fancy gadget in order to go on with life.

The need to gain is only magnified by our desire to appear competent, Leidy explains. This urge may be what’s driving your teen to add more and more extracurriculars to their schedule, apply to 100 colleges, or have more than a few girls on speed dial! And when they find themselves overwhelmed, they often believe with even more certainty that continuing to add more will solve the problem–which of course, only makes things worse! Leidy and I title this the “the downward cycle of subtracting doom” in the episode.

If that wasn’t bad enough, not only do we love to add things to our life, we’re also afraid to let go. Leidy and I discuss in our interview why you can’t seem to ditch that old set of paints you bought years ago when you suddenly decided you would become a painter...the ones you haven’t touched since the day you got them. Getting and keeping possessions can give us some seriously happy feelings–almost like the ones we get when we take drugs or do something risky and get away with it. These powerful connections can keep us from giving up things that we don’t need.

For teens today, these intense feelings can be tied to social media platforms–ones that they know make them feel anxious, but they can’t seem to get rid off. Plus, when the newest one comes out each month, teens download it without a second thought, motivated by the all-too-human need to acquire. Leidy and I tackle how you can talk to teens about resisting addition when it comes to tech.

Helping Teens Manage Technology Use

When you think about situations where your teen tends to add until they reach excess, tech is probably towards the top of the list. Nowadays, teens have more devices, streaming services, gaming apps and social media sites than any of us ever thought possible. They just continue to add more and more tech to their lives, without giving any thought to moderation! How can we help kids fight the urge to add when it comes to technology?

Leidy offers an interesting solution, borrowed from public policy! Interestingly, he explains in the episode that our code of federal regulations has grown almost seventeen times since 1950, a testament to the human tendency to keep adding indefinitely! Leidy and I discuss how in British Columbia, three regulations must be removed whenever one is added, which helps maintain balance.

This same idea is effective when it comes to limiting teens' tech use. When they buy a new video game or start using another social media platform, it can be good to prompt them to delete a few of the old ones! By watching how much they are consuming, you can help teens use tech in a healthy way instead of developing bad habits.

Removing unnecessary clutter, whether that be iphone apps, old clothes or even ideas, can be liberating. But it’s not always easy. So how can we practice subtraction in our everyday lives?

The Importance of Practicing Subtraction

One of the most fascinating findings from Leidy’s research is that when faced with a problem, humans are almost universally certain to conjure up a solution that includes addition. Not only that, but they don’t even consider subtraction as an option, even when it’s pretty clear that it would be a much simpler remedy to just remove something.

Leidy emphasizes the importance of suggesting subtraction when your teen is in a tough spot. If they’re stressed about passing AP spanish, and want to add more and more hours of studying until they’re no longer sleeping, maybe it’s time for them to drop the academic decathlon to make time. Or maybe they want to feel popular, but steadily increasing their social calendar has led them to feel burnt out. In this case, perhaps subtraction means really looking to see who their true friends are and sticking to those people who enrich their lives the most.

Leidy and I also touch on how subtraction can bring an unexpected blessing, by creating something additional. If you take the center out of the donut, it creates more surface area for glaze and allows the donut to cook more evenly...plus you get donut holes! When you subtract a meeting from your own schedule, not only did you remove something to release tension, but now you have an hour of time to focus on something more important or something that makes you happy.

In the Episode…

Leidy’s innovative ideas about decision making and human behavior makes for a fascinating episode this week. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

How our brains “subtract” in our sleep
Why people view subtraction in a negative light
How to remove barriers when trying to get kids to change
Why subtraction can help us with life’s big decisions

I had a blast interviewing Leidy and am excited to share his work with you! Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we'll see you next week!

Ep 143: The Do’s and Don’ts of College Applications Jun 20, 2021

Cynthia Clumeck Muchnick and Jenn Curtis, authors of The Parent Compass, share their wealth of knowledge on the college admissions process and parenting in the late teens.

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Full show notes

Let’s be honest–the pressure of the college application process is enough to drive anyone crazy. Both you and your kids might find yourselves losing sleep and shedding tears over the endless rampage of SAT scores, personal essays and scholarship applications. It’s so intense that celebrities are willing to bribe schools and admissions officers with thousands of dollars just to get their kid’s feet in the door!

Although you just want the best for your kid, it’s easy to get caught up in the competition of it all and become another expectant force breathing down their necks. You might find yourself so obsessed with whether or not they get in that you forget to notice all the hard work and character growth they’ve exhibited throughout the process.

To understand how we can guide kids through college apps and other teenage chaos, we’re sitting down with educational consultants Cynthia Clumeck Muchnick and Jenn Curtis. Their new book, The Parent Compass: Navigating Your Teen's Wellness and Academic Journey in Today's Competitive World, is a guide for parents who are feeling uncertain about the application cycle, phones at the dinner table, and more!

In our interview, the three of us discuss the definition of a “parent compass” and how to help kids navigate the tech filled world they’re growing up in. We also dive into how we can help teens reevaluate goal setting, especially when it comes to college admissions.

What is The “Parent Compass?”

Although the “parent compass” might sound like an object, it’s actually a movement! It’s goal is to help parents take a step back, and make sure they’re not getting so caught up in all the crazy that they lose sight of what’s important: encouraging teens to be their best selves. If parents can reevaluate and take time for self reflection, they can be certain that they’re headed in the right direction, Cynthia and Jenn explain.

Cynthia and Jenn’s book opens with questionnaires for parents, asking them to think about the way they were raised and prompting them to question their own biases. There’s also one for teens, which requests that they think constructively about how they’d like to be treated differently. Jenn and Cynthia suggest inviting your teen to do these questionnaires–or have productive discussions of a similar nature–together. In doing so, you can show them that you care about being the best parent you can be.

Now, that’s all easier said than done, of course! There are so many complications and points of contention you and your teen might get stuck on. One concept we discuss in the episode is the idea of encouraging teens to follow their passion. Is that something we can realistically suggest if we’re practical parents? In our interview, Cynthia and Jenn touch on how it’s almost as important for teens to discover what they don’t like as it is for them to find activities that excite them.

Another common area of disagreement for parents and kids is technology: how much screen time kids should get, whether or not phones can be out during certain hours...the list goes on and on! In the episode, we touch on how you can use your parent compass to find harmony with tech in your home.

Teens and Tech

One of the biggest tips Cynthia and Jenn have regarding devices in the home is to create a distinct plan. They suggest you set rules, limits, and allowances for how much time teens can spend online, and what they can do when they log on! By having a system in place, it’s easier to avoid arguments down the line. Instead of begging them to log off every night at 6 o’clock to start their homework, they’ll know ahead of time that there are certain hours for playing fortnite and others for studying physics.

Along with the plan, Cynthia and Jenn recommend putting measures in place for when the plan is violated. If kids know what punitive measures are coming, they’re not likely to break the rules. And in these uncertain, pandemic-centric times, Cynthia and Jenn suggest checking that parent compass to evaluate when to be flexible. For many kids, playing games online and chatting over social media is one of the few ways they’ve been socializing since they haven’t been able to go to school or even just hang out at the park!

In our interview, we also discuss the notion of putting away screens entirely. Our interviewees bring up a powerful method practiced by some of their colleagues, in which 24 hours is spent, as a family, away from technology! While this idea may sound terrifying, it can have a multitude of benefits. In the episode, we talk about how disconnecting can really help you and your teen shed anxiety and gain creativity.

As educational consultants, Cynthia and Jenn have a lot to say on college admissions–more than any other topic! In our interview, we break down how to handle the ups and downs of applications, acceptances, rejections and everything in between.

Erasing Admissions Anxiety

For teens waiting and waiting for that acceptance letter, the pressure can be overwhelming. When parents add their expectations on top of everything else, it’s even harder for kids to handle it all. Teens often need us to remain stable, not add turbulence to their already rocky journey. How can we be kind, supportive guides instead of just turning up the heat ?

According to Cynthia and Jenn, the key is to focus less on the result and more on the impressive effort kids are putting in! They do so much just to get to the finish line, that we should be cheering them on when they press submit, not waiting until they get in.

When we focus on the result, Cynthia and Jenn explain, we teach kids that things are black and white, separated into success and failure. This discourages them from taking risks or setting lofty goals. Our guests believe it’s better to bring kids into a growth mindset, where they see a path towards improvement instead of unstable ground.

Cynthia and Jenn explain how teens can apply this kind of thinking to all of their goals. To help teens get into a growth mindset, they emphasize the value of setting specific objectives, or steps they can take to make progress towards their goals. This brings our lofty ambitions closer to the ground, allowing us to really see what we need to do to achieve our hopes and dreams. In our interview, we also talk about the importance of adjusting goals once teens set them, as life always brings new and unpredictable obstacles.

In the Episode…

Cynthia and Jenn bring us buckets of wisdom from their 30+ combined years as educational counselors. In addition to the topics above, we discuss…

How teachers react to overbearing parents
Why 3:00 PM is the best time to talk to your teen
How paying kids for grades can backfire
Why you should refrain from posting college acceptances on Facebook
What happens when you write your teen’s admissions essays

Parenting is no easy task, but Jenn and Cynthia can help us develop a compass that allows us to make it through the wilderness. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe!

Ep 142: Good Troublemakers Jun 13, 2021

Dr. Charlan Nemeth, author of In Defense of Troublemakers, shares her decades of research on underdogs and dissenters with Andy. Turns out troublemakers have hidden superpowers that can make them top-notch critical thinkers and persuaders!

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With so much fake news flying around on social media and the internet becoming more and more politically polarizing each day, it’s easy to be worried about whether or not our teens can think for themselves. On top of online influences, teens are also susceptible to pressure from their peers in real life, who threaten to paint them as outcasts if they hold a minority opinion. With all these forces against us, raising independent thinkers with their own opinions, values, and moral codes is not easy.

To make matters even more challenging, psychological studies inform us that humans are fundamentally wired to abandon our own thoughts and observations to conform to majority opinion. Not only that, but we tend to only associate with those who agree with us–keeping us from questioning our assumptions and challenging our own perspectives. If we want to raise teens with strong critical thinking skills, it might be time to teach them the value of disagreeing with others.

That’s why we’re sitting down With Charlan Nemeth this week. Charlan is the author of In Defense of Troublemakers: the Power of Dissent in Life and Business, as well as a professor of psychology at the University of California Berkeley. After working as researcher and consultant specializing in influence and decision making, Charlan has become an expert on the ways dissent can be a powerful force in changing the world.

In our interview, Charlan and I discuss how even one dissenter can deeply influence the way a group of people approaches an issue. We also talk about why it can be so hard for teens to present dissenting opinions to their peers, and what parents can do to raise kids who are unafraid to disagree with the majority.

Why Dissent is So Valuable

When we think of a “dissenting opinion”, we may think of someone boldly defying all odds to speak their truth, instantly changing the minds of all who hear! But as Charlan explains in the episode, the effects of dissent can be much more subtle. A dissenter isn’t necessarily going to sway everyone’s opinion...and maybe they shouldn’t. But what dissenters can do, says Charlan, is force us to think outside of the box.

When someone is bold enough to defy the opinion of the surrounding herd, they push those around them to question their own reality. They aren’t going to gain everyone’s support right away, and might even find themselves an outcast. But, undeniably, they’ll have an effect on the group, says Charlan. It might not be public, or immediate, but it will rear its head sooner or later. Those who conform to the majority are likely to find themselves questioning their perspective down the line, as a result of even just one dissenting opinion!

Too often kids are raised in “bubbles”, and aren’t exposed to any people with opinions that go against their own, says Charlan. Because of this, their minds narrow to only take in evidence that correlates to what they already believe. When faced with divergent opinions, they might be resistant, but will eventually find themselves liberated by the freedom to expand their own consciousness, Charlan explains. And if they open up their minds to the dissenting viewpoints of others, they’ll be open to presenting disagreeable opinions of their own later on.

But for teens, exploring ideas that don’t conform to the majority is pretty hard! The social world of teenagerhood places a lot of pressure on teens to not only look, dress, and speak like everyone else–but think like them as well.

Why Teens Struggle To Swim Against the Current

Holding a minority viewpoint is hard for a lot of reasons. The first obstacle to believing something outside the majority is questioning yourself. As Charlan and I discuss in the episode, humans are undeniably inclined to trust the majority view over our own, even denying our own senses! When a group of individuals were told that their entire peer group saw a blue object as green, they chose to categorize it as green, even though objective evidence suggested otherwise.

For teens, dissenting is made even more difficult by social pressures, Charlan explains. All humans fear rejection, but no one cowers from it more than the modern teen. Fighting for their place in the brutal social hierarchy of high school, teenagers are remarkably likely to side with the majority, to avoid becoming outcasts. Not only that, but teens tend to group with those who agree with them, only reinforcing the viewpoints they already hold.

In the episode, Charlan and I talk about how becoming a dissenter can give kids a strong sense of independence. When they learn to challenge common perspectives, they start to understand that those who live a life of conformity often find themselves unhappy. When they find the courage to define their own beliefs, they can discover that they are capable of influencing others. They might even learn that it’s ok to be different!

Raising teens who can think critically is clearly important...so how can parents help teens see the value of dissenting even when it’s difficult?

Empowering Teens to Think For Themselves

When it comes to teaching kids to be open minded, Charlan emphasizes the importance of coming from a place of understanding, not authority. She believes that modelling, instead of preaching, is the key to helping kids shed their fear of voicing minority views. Telling kids to think critically is not going to get you anywhere. Instead, Charlan encourages you to show your kid, through action, how valuable it is to challenge majority opinions.

Interestingly, she suggests notifying kids when you find yourself at odds with the perspective their friends’ keep. Peer groups tend to keep kids rooted in one mindset, so parents can play an essential role in pushing kids to think differently, says Charlan. She stresses the importance of understanding that your kid will likely not agree with you. They are their own individuals, with unique experiences and values that may not align with yours. Instead of being heavy-handed, Charlan advises encouraging them to come to their own judgements. This models open-minded behavior!

In the end, Charlan believes what really matters is empowering kids to be their authentic selves. While dissent can be provocative, it rarely causes any ripples if those dissenting aren’t coming from a place of honesty. Beyond just rocking the boat, teaching kids to speak their truth is what will help them to really change the world. As a parent, being unafraid to express your honest opinions with your child will not only help them question their own perspective , but shows them that they don’t have to be afraid to see things differently.

In the Episode…

Charlan and I discuss a broad range of interesting research in this week’s episode! In addition to the topics above, we also cover:

How consistency makes us more persuasive
What Ruth Bader Ginsburg can teach us about authenticity
How you can apply the concept of “late compromise” in an argument
Why you should share stories from your own adolescence...

Ep 141: Getting Comfortable with Anxiety Jun 06, 2021

Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Yourself, clues us in on what might be triggering your teen’s anxiety and perfectionism--and what you can do to help them overcome those and feel comfortable being themselves!

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The high school social atmosphere is pretty terrifying. You might remember the feeling of your heart beating against your chest as you asked a table full of kids if you could sit with them, or the way you got tongue tied trying to talk to your crush in the hallway. As stressful as it is, it tends to pass in time as kids mature. For many teens, this is just a part of growing up.

But for some, social anxiety is a major challenge that keeps them from finding friends and blossoming into confident adults. Too often, these teens let their social anxiety rule their lives. They flee any kind of challenging social interaction, falling into a pattern of avoidance. They never learn to challenge their fears and live in their comfort zones.

Today, we’re talking to a social anxiety expert to learn how we can help teens break this cycle. Our guest is Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to be Yourself: Silence your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Dr. Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist and faculty member at the Boston University Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. She’s also the original host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast, which has been downloaded over 15 million times on Itunes.

Dr. Hendriksen has spent years studying social anxiety, and she’s here to share all her expert knowledge with you today. In our interview, we cover what’s really going on in teen’s heads when they’re overwhelmed by social situations. We also get into all the wrong ways teens try to deal with social anxiety, and break down healthier methods for teens to shed the inhibitions that hold them back.

The Psychology of Social Anxiety

We all know what social anxiety feels like. But what’s going on in our brains when we’re getting butterflies in our stomach? And how is a socially anxious teenage mind different from that of an adult ? Ellen and I discuss how teenagers have prefrontal cortexes that have yet to fully develop, meaning their rationality can sometimes be lacking. Stressful social situations are instead processed in their amygdala, a part of the brain that regulates emotion. This means that teens are prone to think that a slight social mess-up is a life-ruining disaster.

Dr. Hendriksen clarifies the difference between someone with a healthy amount of nerves and someone who might have an anxiety disorder. If social anxiety is a metaphorical fire, she describes the brain’s healthy response as “sending a fire truck” to put it out. For those who are more prone to being overcome with anxiety, she compares the brain’s response as a “man with a bicycle and a bucket of water.” It still works, it’s just slower. These people take more time to calm their nerves and find themselves seriously shook when they feel socially inept.

Interestingly, Ellen goes on to explain how social anxiety is really a fear of being “revealed.” Those who grapple with heavy anxiety over talking to strangers or being vulnerable with others often believe that there’s something about them that is wrong or insufficient. Of course, this isn’t true, but it can certainly feel true! For a lot of teens, this feeling is linked to their appearance–maybe they’re self-conscious about their acne or compare their body to those of their peers. In our interview, Dr. Hendriksen and I discuss other ways teens tend to be insecure and how this causes them difficulty in social situations.

So how can we help teens who let their social anxiety run their lives? Before we can talk about what we should do, Ellen explains behavior that we shouldn’t encourage, like avoidance, perfectionism, and what she calls “safety behaviors.”

How Not to Handle Social Anxiety

There are a lot of ways that teens tend to cope with social anxiety that only lead them further down an anxious rabbit hole. The most typical behavior, Ellen says, is avoidance. When situations make teenagers anxious, the quickest and most rewarding solution is to just get out of there. Dr. Hendriksen explains how this only leads to more anxiety down the line, as teens never learn how to deal with the triggers they’re faced with everyday.

In addition, some people develop “safety behaviors”, or methods of shielding themselves from their anxieties. For a lot of socially anxious teens, walking around with headphones is a common safety behavior–it restricts them from talking to anyone, and, in their minds, saves them from embarrassing themselves. However, this behavior only keeps them from making any new friends at all, and in fact sends the message that they’re uninterested in anyone, leaving them to remain on the outskirts.

Another problematic tendency teens adopt to try and remedy their anxiety is perfectionism, says Dr. Hendriksen. In order to try and become less insecure, they set certain labels or goals they want to reach. They adopt an attitude of all or nothing–they have to be the prettiest, the funniest, and the coolest, or they’re not worthy of having friends at all. But then they find themselves feeling ashamed when they can’t meet their own standards, says Ellen. And when they feel bad, they strive for their high standards to “fix” themselves, only to fall into a cycle.

If these mechanisms only lead to disaster, what can we do to help kids beat their anxiety for the long term?

Healthy Ways to Work on Social Stress

Thankfully, Dr. Hendriksen has plenty of methods for dealing with social anxiety that are actually effective . One very powerful practice is cognitive restructuring. This entails challenging the natural, irrational assumptions of an anxious brain. Those with social anxiety might assume that talking to strangers will go horribly wrong, that they’ll be called names and the whole world will explode.

The first step of cognitive restructuring is narrowing down what it is you’re afraid of. Anxiety tends to be vague, Ellen explains. Teens might have generalized fears of public speaking, but what is it exactly that they fear will happen?

Let’s say your teen afraid that the whole crowd will laugh at them. The next step, says Dr. Hendriksen, is to help them evaluate just how statistically likely it is that their fear will occur. Have people laughed at them during a speech before? How often does that really happen? And if they still think their fear is likely to unfold in front of them, have them ask themselves how bad it would be if their fear did come true. Yes, they would be embarrassed, but chances are, the people in the room would forget about their speech by the next day and life would go on as normal.

In addition to cognitive restructuring, Dr. Hendriksen emphasizes the importance of breaking the cycle of avoidance. Teens need to breach their comfort zones, she says, in order to truly leave their anxiety in the dust. When they face their fears, their brains gather data to understand just how greatly they overestimated the danger. They can dive back in with less fear when they’re challenged again. For socially anxious teens, going up to a group of strangers might seem like the most frightening thing in the world, b...

Ep 140: Helping Teens Thrive May 30, 2021

Dr. Michele Borba, author of Thrivers and Unselfie, offers up research-based ways to help teens thrive. We’ll delve into some of the seven key traits parents can teach their teen to set them up for success.

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We would do anything for our kids to be successful. That’s why we sign them up for SAT prep classes, make sure they practice piano every day and watch their report cards like hawks. If they can get good test scores they can go to a good college, then get a job with benefits until hopefully they don’t need us at all anymore! So long as we ensure their meeting the marks academically, we’re giving them everything they could ever need...right?

Well, not quite. When we look at the research, we find that kids with the highest grades aren’t necessarily the most successful. Those deemed “gifted” don’t always become lawyers and CEOs if they don’t know how to work hard or persevere through adversity. In fact, when interviewed, kids in generation Z often feel like they’ve just been brought up as a product to fulfill certain standards–not as a well rounded human being.

How can we raise kids to not just fit the bill of academic perfection, but actually find lasting success and happiness? In other words, how can we help them thrive? Our guest today, Michele Borba is here to answer that very question. She’s the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. After conducting years of research, she's discovered the key traits of the world’s most prosperous people. She’s here today to tell parents how they can pass along the recipe for a bountiful and fulfilling life to their kids.

In our interview, she explains how you can guide teens to discover their core assets to ensure they’re on the pathway to prosperity. We also discuss how you can instill strong values in your teen and why it’s important for teens to have a high level of agency in their everyday lives.

Helping Your Teen Find their Super Power

As a parent, it’s easy to fall into a cycle of trying to correct a kid's faults instead of encouraging them to pursue their strengths. We want kids to be their best selves, but sometimes hyper fixating on their problems can be much less helpful than cheering on their natural gifts. Later in life when they’re trying to pick a college or a career, they’ll find themselves drowning in strength assessments or find themselves in an interview, being asked what they do best, says Michele. If we don’t help them discover their abilities, they won’t even know where to start!

Michele encourages parents to help kids identify their core assets, or their most prominent passions and skills. She suggests that parents sit down and ask themselves: what do my kids do well? What do I see them prioritizing frequently? Where are they naturally inclined? You might find the answer lies in a hobby. While some think of hobbies as mere distractions, Michele believes they’re extremely powerful in allowing kids to discover themselves. Hobbies help teens develop perseverance, and challenge them to strive for improvement.

When you do figure out what it is that your kids do best, Michele advises against giving them trophies and accolades. These things only lead to self absorption, she says. Instead, she suggests simply acknowledging how skilled or talented they are, giving them an extra boost of confidence. Although you may not see it, your encouragement means a lot. With some kind words from you, they’ll feel ready to take on the world, says Michele.

Along with giving them the confidence to succeed, Michele emphasizes the importance of passing down values to your kids. When you’re not around, these guiding principles will help kids get themselves out of sticky situations and lead their best lives.

Instilling Strong Values in Teens

Helping teens develop strong values comes down to how you talk to them when they behave badly, says Michele. When kids are acting up, it can be easy to just tell them to knock it off and leave it at that. But Michele proposes linking your scolding with a positive value. Instead of just calling your kid a trouble-maker and imparting punitive measures, Michele recommends guiding kids to examine what their less-than-stellar behavior might say about the content of their character.

Michele lays out some steps you can take when encouraging your teen to think through their actions, which she calls “name, frame, and reclaim.” It starts by defining what you stand for as a parent, what lines you won’t allow kids to cross. Then, when kids do cross the line, she says call them on it, and name exactly how they’ve violated your family’s principles. Michele emphasizes the value of demonstrating to kids why their actions are wrong, and then giving them the power to explain how they’ll handle the situation differently next time.

This method leads kids to internalize a value system, explains Michele. This is more important than reminding teens of whatever rule they broke, as these principles are what will stick with them as they move through life, Michele says. When challenged by forces like peer pressure, kids will have a code of ethics to keep them from falling into bad situations. In the episode, Michele and I discuss how important it can be to be repetitive about these values, to make sure they really stick in kids’ heads.

Beyond just skills and values, kids need to develop some independence before they’re out on their own. If they’re thrown into life without having a sense of self sufficiency, they may come crawling back to the nest. In the episode, Michele and I detail how you can help kids find agency, even while they’re still living under your roof.

Fostering a Sense of Agency

Michele believes teens who have an attitude of self sufficiency are headed for brighter futures. Teenagers who think parents or teachers will pick up their slack and solve their problems are not likely to find themselves on the path to success any time soon, says Michele. That being said, it isn’t easy to raise teens who can always fend for themselves.There’s a fine line between imbuing independence and leaving teens to the wolves.

If you want to raise empowered teens, Michele says to start small. Start with the basics. Maybe they can start by taking care of the dog all on their own. Show kids what to do, giving them constructive criticism, Michele says. She recommends slowly building to bigger steps, like letting them stay at home with the dog alone on the weekend. The goal, Michele explains, is to stretch kids like a rubber band, gradually giving them the practice they need to expand their abilities over time.

If kids mess up along the way, that’s ok too. In the episode, Michele and I talk about how essential it is that we allow kids to fail. Kids who are comfortable failing are comfortable taking risks and thinking outside the box, meaning they’re ready to deliver innovative ideas and find creative solutions for the world’s most pressing problems.

In the Episode….

We’ve only scratched the surface of all the amazing content in this interview. Michele was a joy to have as a guest this week and had so much to teach us! We also talk about:

How kids exhibit different kinds of empathy
Why goal-setting is essential to success
How we can help teens wor...

Ep 139: Lessons on Living Justly from Malcolm X May 23, 2021

Dr. Ilyasah Shabazz, author of The Awakening of Malcolm X, joins us for a talk on race, history, and the power of learning. Teaching our teens to live justly starts with a strong family foundation.

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Full show notes

Unless you and your teen live under a rock, your child has probably been exposed to a lot of discourse about racism this past year. Sparked by the killing of George Floyd, the world erupted in protests and outcries for equality this summer–and the world has never been the same.

With the video of the tragic murder available online amongst plenty of other intense dialogue about race, you might be wondering how you can talk to your kids about it all. You may feel like you don’t know how to approach the topic, or don’t feel like you can do an adequate job covering the vast history of racial inequality and all of its nuances.

If you don’t know where to start, it can be powerful to give your kid some reading material. Books can help teens learn about these issues from an expert, and then the two of you can then have a discussion about it. Need a text that feels right for an adolescent? Our guest today has got you covered. Her name is Ilyasah Shabazz, and she’s the author of The Awakening of Malcolm X: A Novel.

Ilyasah is the daughter of human rights activists Malcom X and Betty Shabazz, and does incredible work as an educator, author, motivational speaker and activist. In this new book, she’s describing the pivotal period of Malcom X’s young life, when he was imprisoned for 6 years and began to see the world differently. In telling Malcom’s story, she hopes to give young people the guidance they need to handle life’s trials and follow their vision for a brighter future.

In our interview, we’re covering some critical moments in Malcolm X’s youth. We’re discussing how educators can shed more light on the contributions of black and indigenous people throughout history, and why we need reform in our criminal justice system.

What Malcom X’s Story Can Teach Us About Adolescence

Ilyasah breaks down her father’s childhood in this episode, to help us understand how he became the revolutionary he was. Malcom was raised by two civil rights activists, who lived through the height of Jim Crow. They instilled in him a respect and love for literature, learning, humanity, and living creatures, Ilyasah says. Despite his father’s murder and his mother being institutionalized, Malcolm’s leadership skills were always clear. He was voted class president in the seventh grade even after losing his family, his home, and everything he once knew.

After being arrested for grand larceny in 1946, Malcom served six years in jail. He stayed at the brutal and unforgiving Concord Reformatory with many other disadvantaged black and brown folks. He later transferred to the experimental Norfolk prison colony, where he was on a debate team. While a part of the colony, he went toe to toe in debates with students from MIT and Harvard, which shaped his intellectual capacity. He had access to an extensive library of books, which he read profusely, learning about everything under the sun.

These books taught Malcom incredible lessons about the history of black civilization. He learned that black people had an incredibly rich past, with important contributions to astronomy, architecture, literature and more. He began to realize that the way black citizens had been taught to see themselves was all wrong. And so, instead of staying at this prison that was much kinder to him, he went back to the Concord Reformatory to teach the brown and black folks that they came from a robust tradition of intelligence and invention.

In the episode, Ilyasah and I talk about how important it was for Malcom to educate himself and others, and how you can educate your own children and the people around you. In fact, we talk about education quite a bit–like how our schooling system has some serious flaws in how it depicts people of color throughout history.

Inclusive Education

Ilyasah believes that education is the most effective tool for eradicating injustice! In the same way that Malcom brought knowledge to the inmates, Ilyasah and I discuss the importance of changing the narrative of our education system to truly teach young folks the history of black and indigenous people.

In the episode, Ilyasah explains how black stories are omitted from our history classes. Textbooks rarely paint people of color as being iconoclasts, thinkers, scholars. In reality, there have been many brilliant black individuals throughout history who changed the world. We also rarely discuss the contributions of ancient black civilizations in the classroom. It’s simply expected that students will learn about the Roman empire and ancient Greece, but the vast wisdom and invention that came from the African people is almost never mentioned.

Ilyasah goes on to talk about how learning about the hard parts of being a black person in United States History can help students understand the need for reparations in the black community. And these difficulties are far from over. One of the biggest ways people of color are marginalized in the United States is within the criminal justice system.

Why We Need to Talk About the U.S. Prison System

Three million black and brown people are in prison today, just like Malcom once was. Not only that, but 80 billion tax dollars are spent on average every year on correctional facilities–money that could be spent on creating programs for young people to keep them out of these correctional facilities, says Ilyasah.

The issue is only growing, which is why we need to pay attention. Ilyasah recalls when she was younger and there were tons of tax-funded after school programs and even an after school TV show that existed to keep inner city kids safe and out of trouble. Now, she says these have been cut and the money redirected towards prisons.

When Malcom educated other prisoners at the correctional facility during his youth, he was seeing them as more than just inmates. He understood that they were all unique, individual people. That’s what Ilyasah says we must do if we want to transform our prison system: see the humanity of incarcerated individuals.

Although TV and movies might make prisoners out to be scary thugs, in reality they are scared people, placed into conditions which are nearly impossible to survive. Not to mention that people of color are disproportionately targeted, meaning most of these folks have been victims of racist justice system.

If we take the time to educate ourselves and live with compassion, we can help fight against the prejudices of the world. As Ilayash says we can’t wait for the world to change; we must change it ourselves.

In the Episode...

Ilayash’s powerful vision for a better world makes for an incredibly engaging and educational episode this week. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we discuss:

How to talk about race--no matter who you are
What teens can learn from Malcom’s persistence
Why the summer of 2020 was so powerful for civil rights
What we say when it comes to educating our kids about prejudice

Although we’ve made progress towards equality, there’s still so much work to do. Thanks so much for listening. Don’...

Ep 138: Decoding Boys May 16, 2021

Cara Natterson, author of Decoding Boys, shares her insights into raising boys--from silent phases, to gaming, to late bloomers, to pornography use, as a pediatrician Cara has seen it all!

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Full show notes

We think we know how puberty works. Kids grow hair everywhere, wake up 2 feet taller than the night before, and suddenly start wanting to go on dates to the mall without any supervision! But there’s actually a lot to puberty that most parents don’t know about. Did you know, for example, that puberty can begin as early as age seven in some girls? Or that male puberty is almost totally contained to testicular growth for the first few months or even years?

If we don’t properly learn about puberty, we can’t teach our kids what they need to know. During this confusing period, teens can use all the help they can get. By making an effort to really understand all the ins and outs of puberty, we can give them the tools to get through adolescence and out to the other side.

Our guest this week, Cara Natterson, is here to clue us into all the latest research about coming of age. She’s a pediatrician, consultant, speaker, and bestselling author of multiple books on parenting and health! Her latest book is titled Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons. This book sheds light on tons of misconceptions about puberty, especially for young men.

Cara drops all sorts of fascinating facts and helpful tips in today’s episode. She explains why some teens go quiet during puberty, and how you can break through this barrier to connect with them. We also discuss how puberty starts much earlier than we usually think, and get into the psychology behind why teens act impulsively.

Breaking Through to Silent Teens

One day, our kids are telling us everything, and the next, they’re totally shutting us out. Many kids enter puberty and become totally guarded, feeling like they can’t open up to anyone about all the changes they are experiencing. Oftentimes, parents think they should reciprocate this distance, and just let teens ride it out on their own. However, Cara advises parents to do the opposite.

According to Cara, letting teens drift too far away sends them the message that you aren’t interested in hearing about their struggles–even if you were just trying to respect their boundaries. This can be dangerous, because it allows a wall to grow between the two of you. Then, later down the line when it’s time for a serious talk about drugs, dating or sex, you may find you can’t break down the barrier that’s formed from so much silence.

There’s no easy way to initiate contact with a teen who’s been avoiding you, especially when you need to discuss uncomfortable, puberty-related matters. However, if you don’t brief them on these subjects, their only sources of information will be their friends and the media–which can both be bad influences. In the episode, Cara emphasizes the power of perseverance when it comes to striking up these conversations. She breaks down why it’s valuable to have discussions about puberty early in kids’ lives, and explains about how you can talk with teens instead of at them.

It’s important to have these chats early because, as Cara and I discuss, puberty starts earlier than most parents think.

The True Puberty Timeline

Most parents assume that the puberty process begins around age thirteen or fourteen. They believe this because this is when they witness kids starting growth spurts, periods, and hairy armpits. But Cara busts this misconception, explaining how puberty starts around nine or ten for boys and as early as seven for girls. A lot of the time we don’t notice this because we don’t physically see it happening, but their hormones and brain chemistry have already started to change.

Cara explains in the episode that puberty has begun starting earlier and earlier over the past thirty to forty years. Research is still being done as to why this is, but Cara points to changes in diet and lifestyle as contributing factors. And although the timeline is starting younger, she clarifies that it still moves at the same speed. This means girls still get their periods around age twelve and boys develop deeper voices around age thirteen.

One interesting topic Cara touches on is how to help a late or early bloomer through this tricky period. In the episode, Cara and I delve into the ways this delayed or accelerated growth can continue to affect people far beyond puberty. We also talk about when it’s time to see a pediatrician to check out your teen’s puberty progress, and whether or not you should allow your teen to take estrogen or testosterone to kickstart the process.

As aforementioned, Puberty often starts with changes in the brain. In the episode, Cara and I get deeper into some teen psychology. We talk about addiction, and touch on why teens seem to act without rational consideration.

Understanding the Teenage Brain

Teenagers brains are still developing. That means that even though they often want to be treated like adults, they’ve still got a ways to go before they get there. Cara and I discuss how these developing teenage brains work differently than adult minds, and why teens are more inclined to get into trouble than grown men and women.

When teens experience some kind of stimulus or face a decision, their brain sends a signal to two different parts of the brain: the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system is the center of the brain’s emotional thinking, while the prefrontal cortex helps individuals make rational, informed choices. For teenagers, the limbic system responds almost three thousand times faster than the brain of a fully grown adult. This means that their first impulse is always to act on their emotions, leaving rational thinking to come later.

How can we keep teens from acting without logic? In the episode, Cara elaborates on some methods for teens to incorporate rational decision making into their lives. Oftentimes, the solution is as simple as breathing in and counting to ten before acting. If they can wait for the rational part of their brain to catch up, they can make wiser decisions.

Cara and I also talk about how the teenage noggin is in the process of pruning it’s neural pathways., preparing for adulthood. This means that your teen’s brain is deciding which habits and patterns will be important to stick to as they move into adult life, and which one’s they should dispose of. We talk extensively in our interview about how this often leads to addiction problems or starts teens off on bad paths that they continue on for the rest of their lives.

In the Episode…

Cara’s extensive knowledge on puberty is life saving when it comes to understanding your teen’s experiences. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we also cover:

The body image insecurities that young men face
How to help your kids avoid peer pressure by taking the blame
What aspects of gaming parents should be concerned about
How pornography effects boys’ ideas about sex and intimacy

Although puberty is scary for teens and parents, educating ourselves can help. If you enjoyed listening to Cara speak you can find more of her work at worryproofmd.com. Don’t forget to share and subs...

Ep 137: A Different Way to Talk About Puberty May 09, 2021

Michelle Mitchell, author of A Girl’s Guide to Puberty and A Guy’s Guide to Puberty, shares her top tips preparing young people for puberty. Rather than cringing at the awkwardness, Michelle suggests we can embrace body changes as the beautiful part of life they are!

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Puberty is a pretty intense experience for both teens and parents! Kids are going through a million different changes throughout their minds and bodies, while parents watch from the sidelines and try not to get caught in the crossfire! Although the mood swings can be brutal, one of the hardest parts of parenting a kid through puberty is wondering if you gave them all the right talks to prepare them for this crazy ride.

Although having the puberty talk is hard, it’s not something that can be pushed aside. If no one walks a teens through the changes their body is experiencing, they can feel isolated. They may think they’re alone in the process, without someone to turn to for advice or reassurance. But speaking with kids early and often about puberty can help them approach their adolescence with confidence instead of confusion.

To understand how we can guide kids through their coming-of-age, we’re talking to Michelle Mitchell, author of both A Guys Guide to Puberty and A Girls Guide to Puberty. We’ve had Michelle on the show twice before, but her advice is so helpful that we invited her back for a third! In this interview, she’s delving into the ways parents can help kids navigate all the twists and turns that puberty brings.

In the episode, Michelle and I discuss how you can have those tricky talks about the process of puberty. That includes everything from periods to pimples. We also get into how we can teach boys about the female body and vice versa.

Initiating the Conversation

Even if we know how important a puberty talk can be, we might not know where to start. We might even just be too embarrassed to start one up! But don't fret! Michelle is here to give us some pointers.

Michelle suggests starting these talks a little earlier than you might expect–around age 8-12. In her eyes, the earlier you start helping kids understand their bodies, the better equipped they’ll be when they suddenly find themselves having crushes on boys and outgrowing all their shoes. Plus, before they develop that distinctly teenage embarrassment, they’re much more inclined to have these chats without squirming,

So how do you strike up such a delicate conversation with an eight year old? Michelle says you should take your child aside and tell them that you want to have a special talk, just the two of you. She also recommends setting a specific amount of time for the talk beforehand. This helps kids feel like they aren’t entering into an endless conversation about the importance of condoms and deodorant!.

Michelle details how every good puberty talk should allow kids to choose what they want to discuss and what topics are off limits. If a kid says “I don’t want to talk about this now, maybe later,” this is simply them expressing ownership of their own body, says Michelle. She believes it’s empowering for kids to be able to set these kinds of parameters. Allowing them some jurisdiction over the conversation can be a powerful experience for them

In the episode, Michelle dives deep into the changes going on in your teens’ mind as they cross into puberty. She explains that the brain is what starts to change first–which is why it makes no sense to wait for physical signs of puberty to start having a talk about it. Those physical signs, however, can be an important thing to warn teens about. Michelle and I get into how you can do so in our interview.

Breaking Down Body Changes

Pimples, periods, body odor, hair in places they never expected….puberty is a roller coaster ride of physical changes. If we want kids to hang on for dear life during this wild journey, we’ve got to prepare them ahead of time. Otherwise, they’ll likely feel as though they can’t reach out or like they’re the only one going through it, says Michelle. Some kids also develop a little early or a little late, and these teens might need some extra reassurance as they’re likely receiving different treatment from their peers.

Michelle emphasizes the importance of assuring kids that they are totally unique in how their body goes through these changes, and that their uniqueness is powerful. They should never feel ashamed about where they are compared to their peers, and it’s valuable to remind them of that, says Michelle. In the episode, Michelle explains how you can make the physical aspects of the puberty process feel less embarrassing and more exciting.

We also talk all about periods, and how you can prepare a young woman to get her first one. Michelle says most girls desperately want to know when it will arrive. She suggests reminding them that they can never quite know, but empowering them with the ability to be ready for it at any time. She recommends helping your daughter pick out a “period pack with all the important supplies, giving her the choice of what to put inside (with some guidance, of course).

But what about boys? Do they need to know about periods too? Of course, says Michelle. Not only do we need to teach kids to respect their own bodies, but the bodies of other kids as well.

Teaching Kids to Respect their Peers

When kids are tying to deal with all these changes, they often cope by gossiping about other kids’ bodies or speculating about the opposite sex. But this can be disrespectful and hurtful! Michelle believes it’s important to teach kids to see the person inside the physical body and understand what they might be going through,

Michelle explains how valuable it can be to give kids run down on what the opposit sex is experiencing during puberty. For boys, knowing about periods can help them be much more empathic to girls who are dealing with the confusions of starting the process. Michelle talks about how we can approach this topic with young men in the episode. For girls, learning about male functions like erections can keep them from being confused or embarrassing a classmate by pointing one out out loud in class.

What Michelle really emphasizes here is helping kids develop empathy. The ability to treat others kindly and respect their personal journeys is an important lesson for life. All teens are struggling with different battles during this turbulent period of life, so teaching our kids to be polite and courteous to others going through puberty can be incredibly impactful, says Michelle.

In the Episode…

Along with being extremely knowledgeable, Michelle is also hilarious and lovely to talk with! This episode is full of laughs and fun stories. In addition to the topics above we also discuss:

What parents can convey to kids that school can’t
How we need to talk more with kids about “bumps and lumps”
Effects of changing testosterone levels
Shaving as empowering
How to get your kid to take care of their own hygiene

Puberty is daunting, but with Michelle’s help, we can get kids (and parents) to the other side. If you enjoyed listenin...

Ep 136: Teens Versus Automation May 02, 2021

Kevin Roose, author of Futureproof, speaks with us about what AI and automation means for the future of humans--and how to speak with teens to prepare them to remain relevant in the information age.

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Full show notes

Our kids are heading into a new era–one full of self driving cars, automated grocery shopping and endless social media. They’re growing up surrounded by technology, and these gizmos and gadgets only become more prevalent every year. It’s nice to imagine a future where robots do all the work and we humans sit back with our feet up–but it’s also scary to imagine a world so controlled by computers that our kids might just lose their humanity!

It’s understandable to be worried about your teen coming of age in this environment. They’re entering a job market where employment opportunities are slowly being eradicated by automation. People like travel agents and bankers have been forced to watch as their jobs are taken by iphone apps and digital kiosks.

Not only that, but the constant digital stimulation of iPhones, laptops and tablets is rearranging teens’ brains on a molecular level, inhibiting their social skills, productivity and sense of reality! It’s frightening how much control technology has over all of us, especially growing teens. So how can we prepare young people for a future full of tech and automation?

Kevin Roose, our guest today, asked himself that same question a few years ago. He decided to dive into research about humanity’s growing dependence on technology, and then put his findings into a book. It’s called Futureproof: 9 Rules for Humans in the Age of Automation. In it, he reveals how the key to surviving in the world of robots is not to become more robotic ourselves but instead, become more human.

In our interview, Kevin and I get into every question you might have about how AI is changing society. We address the concerns you may be having about your kid’s job prospects in this future full of automation and algorithms. He also explains how you can help teens use their phones to learn, create and connect with others instead of just scrolling mindlessly through Tik Tok.

The Skills that Separate Us From Robots

We know that automation is taking away jobs that historically belonged to humans, but surprisingly, most people seem to think their own employment is safe. When surveyed, three quarters of people said they thought that artificial intelligence would cause people to lose work, but only about a quarter thought they were at risk of losing their own job. Kevin believes we are all far too overconfident. In the episode, he explains how AI is capable of all sorts of tasks beyond what we might imagine. Even journalists and artists, he explains, are at risk of losing work to AI.

So how can we prepare kids for this new job market? Some people believe we need to behave more like robots: become more efficient, logical, precise and accurate. But Kevin disagrees. He believes that to stay afloat in this brave new world, we’ll have to dive deeper into the things that make us distinctly human.

When giving young people advice about what to major in to find success in the age of automation, he often tells them it doesn’t matter as much as they think. Kevin expresses how important it is for young adults to actually develop their collaboration and communication skills along with whatever craft they choose to pursue. Their mathematical expertise can easily be met by a computer, but their kindness and empathy cannot. When they find their job taken by AI, their unique human attributes will remain–and these are what will help them find their footing in the job market again.

In our interview, Kevin also introduces the fascinating idea of combinatorial creativity: the ability to take knowledge and experience regarding one subject, and transfer it to another. This allows us to find innovative, outside-the-box solutions to problems. Humans are great at this, while robots are not. That’s why Kevin suggests that teens branch out to multiple interests instead of just specializing in one thing. This versatility allows them to maximize their combinatorial creativity, and use their natural intelligence in a way that AI can’t.

There’s more challenges to growing up in a technology saturated world than fearing unemployment. Kevin and I also talk about why teenage obsession with screen time isn’t the healthiest, and how we can help teens make the most of technology instead of letting it dominate their lives.

Taking Control of our Tech Habits

Every day, Kevin allots sixty minutes for what he calls his “human hour.” For the entire hour, he puts his phone away and goes on a run, reads a book, or does anything else that makes him feel human. Kevin began doing this because he felt his phone was beginning to control him, and he wanted to gain that control back. He even went on a thirty day phone detox, and wrote an article about it. The article was wildly popular, causing Kevin to realize just how many people feel like their devices dictate their life.

Kevin explains that this is not an accident. Companies who create the apps we use put a lot of effort toward making their products addicting. They spend billions of dollars to ensure that we get sucked in and can’t stop using. Kevin describes it as “a supercomputer pointed at your head”....and that’s what it can feel like! It’s frustrating because our devices are supposed to help us be efficient and connect with others, not make us go crazy.

That’s why Kevin suggests that teens (and parents) should schedule some time away from phones to reset. He describes how, after his detox, he was more productive and social. If you can, help teens find time when they can set aside their devices and go for a walk, or play the guitar or talk to a friend. They might resist, but it can be a great way for them to break free from the grip of Netflix and Instagram and get some peace of mind.

We’ll never get kids to really ditch their devices, however, Kevin and I discuss how you can help teens use their phones to be creative, network and learn new things. It’s easy to limit kids’ screen time, but Kevin thinks that’s not enough. We also need to be mindful of how they’re using their devices. Are they just staring mindlessly at the screen, playing endless games of Candy Crush? Or are they socializing with their friends, building websites and reading about current events? In our interview, Kevin points to the difference between passive use and active use, and how teens can use tech as a tool for growth.

In the Episode….

Kevin and I have fascinating discussions in this episode about the intersection between human and artificial intelligence. On top of the topics mentioned above, we cover:

Why we can’t have a “happy symbiosis” with AI
How kids can benefit from phone-free interaction
Why a computer could never teach a kindergarten class
What Kevin doesn’t like about the phrase “media literacy”

Although a future full of tech can feel frightening, there are ways humans can remain relevant! The interview with Kevin was thought-provoking and I think listeners may find themselves thinking about how to raise kids that are future-proof.

Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see you next week!

Ep 135: Fractured Families Apr 25, 2021

Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them explains how seemingly small disagreements can grow to jeopardize relationships, and what parents of teens should know about patching up arguments and preventing permanent damage.

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Full Show Notes

We have arguments with our teens about little things everyday–what to have for dinner, whether they can take the car out, what they’re wearing to school that day, et, etc. And although these skirmishes can seem small, they tend to add up. Suddenly, you tell your teen to put away their shoes one day, and they’re screaming at you, saying you’re ruining their life. It’s not the shoes that have them hysterical, it’s the cumulative effect of all the little disagreements over time!

Most of the time when these fights erupt, no one wants to apologize first. Distance can grow between the two of you. You become more and more certain that YOU were right and the OTHER person was acting crazy. You find other people who agree with you, and you stop questioning yourself. Then things just get worse until you find your relationship permanently damaged. In serious cases, you might even find yourself estranged from your kid.

To understand how we can handle these Earth-shaking arguments with grace and prevent a deep rift from forming, we’re talking to Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Karl’s a sociologist who’s been researching estrangement between family members for years. He’s become acutely aware of how seemingly small disagreements can grow to jeopardize relationships.

In our interview, Karl and I break down what parents of teens should know about patching up arguments and preventing permanent damage. We dive into what you should do when you and your teen have disputes over values or lifestyle choices. We also talk about what leads family members to become alienated from one another, and how you can keep your teen from shutting you out.

Ep 134: Beat Standardized Tests with These Tips Apr 18, 2021

Ned Johnson, author of Conquering the SAT and The Self-Driven Child, joins the show a second time to share his top tips for beating any standardized test--and they are all things under a teen’s control!

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There’s no singular experience in teenage life quite like the SAT. Unlike the grueling four year academic curriculum, it occurs for only 180 minutes–and determines whether or not a teen is accepted to the school of their dreams. Needless to say, this is likely a significant cause of anxiety for you and your teen alike.

A lot of programs out there promise your teen instant success at standardized tests, but in reality, performing well is much more complicated than just quick tips and tricks. Beyond simply putting in the reps, acing the ACT or SAT requires teens to understand their own thinking. It takes a serious mastery over anxiety and external pressures to keep a clear head and perform like a champion.

This week we’re talking to one of the most sought after test prep professionals in the country, Ned Johnson. He runs the company PrepMatters, which helps people prepare from everything from the LSAT to the MCAT. He’s also the co-author of Conquering the SAT: How Parents Can Help Teens Overcome the Pressure and Succeed. Ned’s put in over 35,000 hours of one-on-one test prep with young adults, and has learned quite a few lessons along the way.

He’s here today to share with you why he thinks standardized tests are valuable despite their flaws. These tests go beyond just words and numbers–they teach teens how to push their boundaries. Ned and I also chat about why pressuring kids to do well can often backfire, and how you can help your teen tackle performance anxiety to smash that ACT out of the park.

Why Standardized Tests Matter

Humans are unique and changing, while standardized tests are just that–standardized. How can one test possibly measure every person’s intelligence when we all think so differently?

Ned understands why some people feel this way. Although he’s made a career out of SAT and ACT prep, he knows that there are more important things than getting a perfect score. However, he believes standardized testing can be a great way for teens to challenge their own limits. Specifically, tackling these tests makes kids understand how they can better handle high pressure situations.

Ned explains how, when humans are anxious about something, the easiest solution is avoidance. It’s so much easier to just not do scary things than it is to burst through our comfort zones. For teens, taking a 180 minute test that determines their college acceptance can feel like a stressful nightmare. It can be tempting to simply opt out.

But by facing tests as intense as the SAT, students learn to surmount their anxiety instead of letting it control them. If we avoid situations that make us anxious, then we’ll remain afraid forever. That fear is not going to bode well in adulthood, which is filled with confrontations, important presentations, and big meetings that can’t be ignored. By overcoming their apprehensions about these tests, teens will learn to face the pressure and be less terrified when the next frightening challenge rears its ugly head.

That being said, taking on fear is easier said than done. Luckily, Ned has some advice for how to help teens work through serious nerves.

How to Handle Test Anxiety

Test anxiety is a pretty intense and overwhelming feeling that keeps brilliant kids from performing their best. Ned explains how teens can break this anxiety down into parts and make each part a little easier to handle. That way, kids can be cool as a cucumber when they’re face to face with those pages full of questions.

To start, Ned tackles the notion of novelty, explaining how new things cause us anxiety by catching us off guard. Luckily, the SAT is pretty similar on each go around, and teens can take practice tests. Even if the questions undergo some changes, it’s pretty much the same material. The more practice tests kids can take, the less novel the real test will be.

Another significant contributor to this anxiety is the potential threat to teens’ egos. For some teens, underperforming on these tests means their self esteem is on the line. This leads them to get worked up about their score and might even cause them to fumble on the big day.

In the episode, Ned presents the idea of test prep therapy. This process involves asking students what in particular about the test is stressing them out, and looking for patterns in their thinking. In our interview, he explains how we can reframe these anxious thoughts to help teens overcome their apprehension.

Oftentimes, kids are nervous about these tests because they’re facing a lot of scrutiny from parents. Ned breaks down how to ensure that you’re motivating your student to perform their best instead of pushing them in the wrong ways.

How Parents Play a Role

No parent wants to leave their kid in a state of distress, especially when there’s an important test on the line. However, we still want to encourage kids to do well and ensure that they’re working hard. So how can we approach the situation to give kids a boost instead of dragging them down?

Ned emphasizes the danger of making kids believe they have to be successful at all costs. When parents give the impression that success is the only acceptable option, it leads teens down a bad trajectory. They often feel like they have to lie, or hide their failures. They feel they can’t be vulnerable with you, and may even cheat to achieve the perfect score you might be expecting.

In fact, Ned and I discuss how there’s nothing less encouraging than telling a student that they’re not doing good enough work. The teenage brain is eager to avoid anything that makes teens feel stupid or unworthy. If this negative rhetoric becomes associated with their ACT prep, they’re not going to want to return to their practice tests again and again. They’ll likely blow the whole thing off to go do something that makes them feel instant gratification, like playing video games or watching Netflix.

Instead of pressuring them, Ned explains how you can help kids believe they can achieve. Don’t tell them that there’s no option other than a perfect score. Instead, let them know that you really think they can improve their score, if they really put their mind to it. This encouragement goes a long way, and is much more nourishing than harsh expectations.

Ned also discusses the value of encouraging incremental change. Telling students they need to perform perfectly right away only discourages them. Cheering them on as they bring their practice test score from 1000 to 1200 will work wonders for their confidence. When they feel empowered, they’re more likely to be determined, and will come back the next day excited to improve.

In the Episode…

Ned is not only extremely knowledgeable about test prep but also lovely to talk to! On top of the topics mentioned above, we chat about:

Why some kids believe they’re college material and others don’t
How to turn kids into readers
Why sleep is essential to success
The neuroscience of confident test taking

W...

Ep 133: When Does a Teen Become an Adult? Apr 11, 2021

Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of Your Turn and How to Raise an Adult, brings to the show her vast knowledge of the psychology of emerging adults. How can we help our teens and 20somethings turn out well?

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Full show notes

When kids leave the nest, it can be terrifying to see them go. As a parent, you may feel that your whole life has led up to this moment, and you might worry that you haven’t done enough. You want your kid to take on the world and succeed, but you worry they might come home crying and asking for their old bedroom back.

As scared as you might be, the terror of leaving home is even worse for young adults themselves. Life is full of trials and tribulations, and it’s scary without someone there to hold their hand. You probably remember the fear you felt when you first left home, how unpredictable and challenging every minute was.

Even though adulting is hard, we as parents can start preparing our kids now, in their teen years. If we build a solid foundation of self sufficiency, kids will be able to adapt to the curveballs that life throws their way. Our guest this week is Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of Your Turn: How to Be an Adult. The book is full of personal stories and candid advice for how to be a functional young adult.

In our interview today, Julie and I talk about how it can actually be bad if your teen plans too much for their future. We also discuss why you shouldn’t be afraid to show your kid your imperfections, and how you can raise kids who know how to form healthy relationships.

Why Planning Can Be Problematic

Some kids think they know exactly what college they’ll go to. They assume they’ll get into grad school from there, meet the love of their life at 25, get the job of their dreams. They know where they want to live, what dog they want to have and what they’re going to name their kids. But what if they don’t get into that college? What if they’re halfway through their degree and realize...they don’t want to be there? Then their plan falls apart, and they find themselves wandering in the fog.

We want teens to have goals and ambitions, but we need to make sure they remain adaptable, says Julie. Adulthood is full of unexpected changes, identity crisis and relationship troubles. If teens plan too much for their future, they’ll only find themselves disappointed when things don’t work out how they expected.

Sometimes kids are so focused on their plan that they miss out on something that could be so much better than what they’ve imagined for themselves. In the episode, Julie tells a fascinating story about a young man who worked for years to get into dental school. One day, right in the middle of an operation, he decided he just wasn’t happy with his choices. This realization sent him on a new journey of self exploration that changed his life. Even though he had it all planned to a T, he found those plans did not satisfy him, and he had to start all over again.

If we really want to help teens survive in the world, we have to guide them towards the realization that things will never be perfect. In doing so, it can be extremely impactful to tell kids about our own mistakes, so they can learn from us.

The Value of Vulnerability

You probably know how hard it is to be a young person just starting out in the world–because you’ve done it. You likely went through plenty of mishaps and tough times before you eventually landed on the right path. Believe it or not, Julie says, teens don’t imagine that we went through any of that. They tend to think we were able to handle everything like a pro with no mistakes. Then, when they find themselves struggling, they feel like they’re the only ones.

Julie suggests sharing all your failures with your teen, to help them see that messing up is not only normal, but educational. Julie and I talk about how much data we gather from making mistakes. It’s at our lowest points, Julie says, that we figure out what makes us truly unhappy. This realization is just as important as realizing what does make us happy, she notes.

We sometimes want their kids to follow a certain path or live their life in a very specific way because it suits our narrative. We want to be able to brag to our friends that they got into Harvard or got hired at Apple, but Julie stresses that their journey is not about us. They have to find themselves, even if it can be hard to watch them diverge from the path we’ve set.

One of the hardest things about being a happy and stable adult is creating healthy relationships with others. In the episode, Julie and I get into how we can look out for ourselves, while also compromising when needed..

Fostering Functional Relationships

One of the lessons parents tend to teach kids is the value of protecting themselves before anyone else. Although Julie stands by the importance of prioritizing oneself, she also wants young people to understand the value of compromising with other people.

In our interview, Julie talks about how young people often find happiness with a friend or significant other, but drop them at the first disagreement. They feel that if someone isn’t treating them exactly how they expect, then that person needs to go. However, Julie finds this logic problematic. Relationships aren’t perfect and they never will be. If young adults expect constant harmony, they’ll never find someone who makes them happy.

Julie stresses the value of teaching kids to be happy with themselves, but also navigate the often complicated path of relating to others. Although it’s hard to find that balance, it’s essential to living a stable life. Equipping kids with the ability to set boundaries and resolve conflict with others will do wonders for them as they make their way through adulthood, Julie says.

One way parents can do this is through modeling, Julie says. If we’re raising kids with a partner, make it explicit to growing teens that your relationship isn’t perfect. There are pushes and pulls that create friction and tension, but with honest communication and time, there is always a way back to peace with one another. If we can teach teens this lesson, they’ll have more success with romantic and platonic relationships in adult life.

In the Episode…

It was a pleasure to sit down with Julie today and discuss how we can help young adults live their best lives. On top of the topics mentioned above, we talk about:

How parents can leave kids with a “tool kit” for adult life
What we can do to give kids more autonomy in their teen years
How money management is complicated by emotional thinking
Why we need to teach kids to have boundaries
What we should tell teens in place of “find your passions”

Entering adulthood will always be a challenging process, but Julie has some great tips for us to help prepare our teens for finding their passion, being financially independent, and whatever else comes their way! Grateful to have Julie on the show--thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

Ep 132: Break Down Barriers to Change Apr 04, 2021

Jonah Berger, PhD, bestselling author of The Catalyst and Contagious, shows us the most effective way to be catalysts for change. The first step is to uncover what barriers stop teens from changing right now.

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Full show notes

It’s not easy to talk teens into anything. Simply getting them to clean their room or finish their stats homework is a nightmare! It seems that as soon as you ask them to do something, they do the opposite, just to spite you. It can feel like you’re hitting the same wall over and over, never finding a way through.

Beyond just the realms of homework and household chores, this inability to get through to teens can have dire repercussions. If a teen is developing a serious drug problem or skipping school everyday, we need a way to reach them and help them get back on a better path. How can we break the cycle and finally get teens to listen?

Our guest today is here to share his revolutionary approach to inciting change in others. His name is Jonah Berger, and his new book is The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind. Jonah’s method ditches all the nagging, pleading, and yelling for a much simpler, more harmonious process. He’s here to tell you how you can get kids to WANT to change, instead of trying to force change upon them.

In our interview, Jonah explains why trying to convince someone to do something will only push them in the other direction. He expresses why it’s so much more valuable to ask kid’s questions rather than bombard them with what you believe. He also discusses techniques you can use to help your child change their behavior when they just won’t seem to budge.

Why Teens Don’t Listen

So why is it that teens just won’t comply when we beg them to change? It’s because our entire approach is wrong, says Jonah.

In the episode, he explains how people feel a deep need for autonomy. As humans, we want to feel that we’re behind the wheel of our own lives, steering ourselves in the direction of our choice. When someone else, especially a parent, tells us to behave a certain way, we feel like our agency is threatened. This leads us to retaliate, and do the exact opposite of what’s requested of us.

This is especially true for teens who are still trying to figure out who they are. The last thing they want is for their mom or dad to tell them what to do. They want to be free to make all their own choices, even if those aren’t quite as mature as they think. As you’re standing in front of them telling them to come home before curfew, they’re thinking about all the reasons why they should do the exact opposite. The more you push, the more they dig their heels in the ground.

As Jonah points out, a lack of information isn’t the issue. Teens know why they shouldn’t be out and about at one AM. They know they should be home safe and sound by curfew. They just don’t want to do it, if you’re telling them tot. So the question is, how can we lead teens to act on their own logic? The trick, Jonah reveals, is making teens believe it’s their own choice.

Providing Kids with a “Menu”

Clearly, trying to convince kids by sheer force to change won’t work. Kids crave autonomy, and need to believe they arrived on their decisions on their own. However, we can help kids harness this need for autonomy to make the right choices for themselves. Jonah explains how, when you want your teen to change, you can give them a few options. He suggests allowing them to choose their path, instead of telling them what to do outright. This guides them in the right direction while also giving them a say in their own situation.

For example, say your kid skateboards for hours after school, leading to them to fail to finish their homework on time. You want them to start coming home by five, so they have time to work on assignments before dinner. But no matter how many times you mention it, they just keep staying out later and later. Using Jonah’s approach, you decide to present them with two options. They can come home at five in time for dinner, or they can come home late–but they’ll have to provide themselves with something to eat.

So long as you’re not pressuring your teen to choose one option or another, you’re giving them agency over their own time. If they want to skate, they can do so, but then they won’t receive the meal they’ve always expected to be fed to them in the evening. If they do come home and start their homework, they’ll earn that freshly cooked dinner. Not only will they likely arrive home when you’d prefer, but they’ll feel good about it because they’ll have made the decision themselves.

After kids leave home, they’ll no longer have you to nudge them in the right direction. They’ll have to make even bigger choices in the real world, like deciding who they’ll spend time with and how they’ll earn a living. If you want to prepare your kids to grow gracefully into total autonomy, you’ll have to make sure you’re encouraging them to ask the right questions, says Jonah.

Helping Kids Think Critically

When kids grow up, and they're alone in the world with no parent holding their hand, they’ll have to figure out how to live a happy life on their own terms. They’ll have no idea how to remain stable and healthy if they aren’t taught to reflect and work out what they truly want. They also might find themselves in a bad spot if they don’t know how to think critically about their actions. Jonah explains how you can help kids be more self aware by prompting them to ask certain questions.

If your teen is going out with friends that you don’t know, that may make you nervous, and you might want to forbid them from going. Jonah suggests that instead, you probe them to ask themselves some questions like: Do I really like these people or am I just hanging out with them to feel “cool”? Do they ever pressure me into doing things I don’t want to do? Do I feel safe with these people?

By inspiring kids to ask themselves these questions, you’re teaching them to encounter situations with forethought, says Jonah. This ability to think before plunging into things will carry into their adulthood and help them avoid disaster. Additionally, asking broader questions about what they want out of life and the kind of person they want to be will help them develop their own set of values for when they step foot into the world on their own.

In the Episode…

Jonah’s unique insights about how to spur change in teens makes for a great episode this week. In additions to the topics above we also talk about:

Why Tide wasn’t able to keep people from eating Tide Pods
How cognitive dissonance motivates people to change
How to understand the “zone of acceptance” and “region of rejection”
Why we should start by asking for less, and gradually ask for more

Although getting teens to make a change can feel impossible, Jonah’s advice brings a fresh and hopeful perspective. Excited to share his expertise with you!

Ep 131: Emotionally Resilient Boys Mar 28, 2021

Dr. Michael Gurian, author of Saving Our Sons, The Stone Boys, and 20+ books, joins us for a riveting discussion on the hidden ways in which our institutions and communication hurts boys. Not all is lost: there are plenty of ways we can help boys grow into emotionally resilient and thriving men!

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Full show notes

In today’s culture, it may seem like the conversation around emotional wellbeing has moved on from solely focusing on women and girls. Yet, we rarely address the emotional wellbeing of boys and men in our cultural institutions like school, work, the family structure, or in our government’s policies. Whether it’s responding to a failed math exam, dealing with a breakup, managing an avalanche of responsibilities while entering adulthood, or dealing with trauma, we need to develop a system that helps boys process their emotions. Luckily, that’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode with psychologist and family counselor, Dr. Michael Gurian.

Dr. Gurian has authored well over 20 books on adolescents, young adult males and females, and all kinds of topics relating to growing up and becoming an adult in the world we’re living in today. For more than 20 years Dr. Gurian has been helping young adults deal with trauma. In 1996, he founded the Gurian Institute, a program committed to helping boys and girls by providing counseling, professional development, and parent-teacher involvement for young students’ growth in education, making him the perfect person to talk to about helping young boys process their emotions and trauma.

In the episode, our conversation centers around the tactics that parents can use to help teen boys process their emotions and trauma through two of Dr. Gurian’s books about this subject: Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy and Resilient Boys and The Stone Boys. The first is a myth-busting book for the whole family that can help parents and teens understand the latest research in male emotional intelligence, male motivation development, and the effects of neurotoxicity on the brain. The second is a novel that illustrates much of the information covered in the former.

Dr. Gurian’s informed approach in both of these books can help parents use them as a conduit for opening their teen to tough conversations about their emotional and mental wellbeing. In the podcast, Dr. Gurian lets us in on his approach and sheds some light on some common questions that parents might have about helping their boys process emotions.

So, what are the consequences of ignoring boys’ emotional wellbeing? Well, according to Dr. Gurian, the misconception that boys don’t need to worry about mental health and emotion because many of them take up positions of power in the workplace--occupying roles such as business owners, CEOs, or even the President of the United States--has led to a mental health epidemic. This crisis can be seen in some surprising statistics about gender differences in mental health:

For every hundred girls to repeat kindergarten, 194 boys repeat kindergarten.
For every 100 girls suspended from public elementary and secondary schools, 215 boys are suspended.
For every hundred girls expelled from school, 297 boys are expelled.
For every 100 girls aged 15-19-years-old who pass away, there are 242 boys who don’t live past the same age range.

It’s no coincidence that these statistics reflect a clear gendered problem when it comes to mental health and performance in our society’s institutions. Dr. Gurian says that we’re creating a system of nurturing in schools, family structures, government policy, and the workplace that doesn't account for how the male brain processes emotion. If we don’t respond to this crisis, boys will grow up without the skills to effectively process their emotions and cope with trauma as they develop through school, the workforce, and their relationships. Luckily, Dr. Gurian walks me through some actionable steps that parents can take to help their boys work through these problems.

While you’ll have to listen to the entire podcast to hear about Dr. Gurian’s extensive approach to communicating with boys, here are three primary actions parents can take:

Teach boys how to listen first and process their emotions before attempting to problem-solve
Manage your expectations as a parent around how boys express their emotions
Keep an eye out for common signs of trauma and learn how to approach your teen about them

Following through on these steps can help you communicate with your teen boy(s) about their feelings and help them work through trauma. During the podcast, Michael walked me through these steps and how parents can better understand boys’ emotions and mentality.

Meet Boys At Problem-Solving

According to Dr. Gurian, one of the main differences between the male and female brain structure that is responsible for why it may be more difficult for boys to process their emotions is what we call the “sensory register.” The sensory register is processer in the brain that filters all our sensory experiences—like sound, sight, touch, taste, and smell—into emotional responses. It’s basically responsible for how we process the world through our emotions, and apparently, the sensory register impacts how females and males respond differently:

For females, there are seven to nine centers in the brain that are engaged when filtering senses. This means that when the world is giving them emotional cues through the sensory register, they’re engaging more parts of their brain that help them calculate and reflect for an informed response.

For males, however, there are only two centers in the brain that contribute to this process. This means that less of their brains are engaged when boys convert what happens in the world through their emotive responses. This can make it more difficult for boys to process their emotions and make a calculated response.

More importantly, the parts of the brain that are engaged when males process their emotions aren’t as connected to verbal centers as in females. This means two things for how boys respond to emotional trauma: 1. Their first instinct won’t be to communicate or vocalize their wellbeing, and 2. Their first instinct will move more directly toward problem solving. At first, this might seem like a positive response. Trying to problem solve is proactive so it must be a good thing, right?

Upon closer inspection, trying to problem solve without carefully acknowledging and reflecting on our emotional status can lead to confusing or even destructive results. If boys try to deal with difficulties by muting their emotional response, they won’t know how to adequately differentiate what’s going on in the world outside themselves from what’s going on inside. For example, if your child fails a homework assignment or underperforms at a sporting event, they might blame themselves or look for a quick response to quiet feelings of disappointment or sadness. This can result in hasty decision-making that doesn’t produce the best result and they won’t be able to adequately address two distinctly different problems.

To curb this behavior, Dr. Gurian suggests talking with boys about noticing these tendencies and making them aware of this phenomenon. That way, when their sensory register isn’t ...

Ep 130: Creating Confident Kids Mar 21, 2021

Lydia Fenet, author of The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You, talks about the top skills young people need to become confident, successful adults who can command any room they walk into--or at least, how they can shine in their own strength. One key? Practice failing...a lot!

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Full show notes

Teenagers are inclined to worry about everything—the phones they have, the clothes they wear, the clique they belong to. They think everything they do will give others a reason to judge them. And unfortunately these insecurities prevent teens from achieving their goals. They’re so afraid of judgement and failure that they’d rather not try at all.

As a parent who was once a teen, you can’t help but empathize with them. There may have been a myriad of opportunities you’ve missed out on in your teens because you were too afraid to try them. But the lifetime of experiences you’ve had since your youth has taught you that the things you were afraid of then were miniscule in comparison to the much scarier things you’d eventually accomplish in life. It’s hard to watch your child hold themselves back from things you know they are capable of.

In this episode, Lydia Fenet, author of the book The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You: Command an Audience and Sell Your Way to Success, offers parents advice on raising confident, successful teenagers who know how to command a room. The lead Benefit Auctioneer at Christie’s Auction House in New York City, Lydia knows exactly how it feels to be on top and how to fail! From her own personal success and challenges, Lydia has discovered the top lessons we can teach teens to set them up for success: value of a dollar, the perks of being a good loser, and the secret to successful negotiation.

Failing with Grace

Say your teen wants to audition for the school musical—as a freshman. Sure they’ve been taking singing lessons for a year, and they played elf number 3 in their Christmas play, but you’re pretty sure they aren’t going to get in. So should you just be honest with them and say “honey, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” Lydia says no! Discouraging your kids from trying new things, even if they end up failing, is the best way to stunt their curiosity for life.

Lydia shares how she auditioned for her boarding school choir two years but never got in. She was also on a basketball team that lost every single game for four years straight. What did she take away from all this? That losing isn’t half bad. In fact, it’s a part of life that teens should get used to. Lydia believes in encouraging kids to try new things without the pressure to excel. If they end up failing, so what? They’ll see that failing isn’t half bad. In fact, failing is just a step on their way to finding what they love. Failing is a character-building exercise for teens to become more humble and well rounded.

Shameless Plugs

Lydia believes that no one can tell you what you’re good at better than you can. That being said, she recognizes that the confidence to sell yourself to people isn’t instinctive in your teen years. Lydia discusses how in our society, we are taught to shy away from boasting about our skills and accomplishments. That anyone who goes against this is deemed arrogant or ostentatious. This particularly applies to women in the workplace, who are often taught to be meek when making salary requests.

Lydia calls for an abolishment of these self-effacing tendencies. When your teen is in an afterschool club and the advisor asks “Is there anyone who specializes in [insert skill that they happen to kick ass in]?”, they should be the first to raise their hand. Why? Because the early bird gets the worm. Being too humble can get in the way of countless opportunities. The pick of the litter doesn’t go to the person who’s most capable. It goes to the person who’s most willing to put themselves out there. Lydia urges parents to teach their teens to freely share what makes them special. To tell people “Yes, I am the 1st string wide receiver on the varsity football team. Yes, I am taking 4 AP classes. Yes, I am fluent in two languages.”

It’s not bragging, it’s sharing what they’re most proud of. And doing so can bring them opportunities they’d never imagine. Your teen has worked too hard at building their college resume to not take advantage of opportunities to flex their skills. It doesn’t make them a show off or attention hog. It makes them a valuable asset to whatever club, team, or person they’re offering their skills to.

You Are What You Negotiate

Lydia encourages parents to teach teens about finances and money at an early age. Lydia does this with her own teens by pointing out costs at the grocery store and encouraging them to save up for items they really want. The point is to show her kids that everything in this world costs money. If teens never have to work for what they want because their parents will just buy it for them, they’ll never fully comprehend the value of a dollar.

Lydia resents people's tendency to undervalue themselves when asking for a raise. She particularly resents that the gender wage gap exists partially because women are taught to be apologetic when asking for raises. This apologetic mindset is programmed at an early age and can be prevented when parents intervene. Lydia insists that parents of teenage girls teach them to be confident when asking for things. When you teach your daughters to be thoroughly prepared and unemotional going into a negotiation, you’ve raised their chances of getting the wage they deserve.

To drive this point home, Lydia shares a story of when she started an auction bid at $100,000. Nobody in the room responded to the starting bid and she was absolutely mortified. But instead letting her insecurities affect her, Lydia improvised by saying “A girls gotta ask.” She was able to get a chuckle out of the audience and resume the auction unphased. The takeaway from this tale is that embarrassment and failure are never as bad as you think it’ll be. If you prepare your teens for the awkward and unsuccessful moments that’ll inevitably happen in life, they’ll be more willing to put themselves out there. Gracefully dealing with these misfortunes will bring them more confidence and urge them to dive into new pursuits fearlessly.

In the Episode...

I had a wonderful time speaking with the extraordinarily charismatic Lydia Fenet for this week's episode. Her experience rising in the ranks to become the busiest auctioneer in America is inspiring for adults and teens alike. I truly appreciated her willingness to share insightful tips on raising teens that are confident, capable, and independent.

In this week's episode we also discuss…

Public Speaking and Building an Onstage Persona
How to Slide into the DMs of Important People
How to Have a Memorable and Successful Job Interview
Fighting Stage Fright
Tips for Effective Networking

Thank you Lydia for taking time away from your busy schedule to offer insightful advice for parents. Please enjoy as you learn how to raise your teens confidence and teach them to command a room.

Ep 129: Struggling Teen? Learning Music Might Be The Answer... Mar 14, 2021

Dr. Anita Collins, music educator and author of The Music Advantage, explains the surprising and long-lasting positive effects of music on the teen brain. Your teen doesn’t have to be a prodigy to benefit from picking up an instrument!

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

If you feel like your child isn’t living up to their full potential because they get distracted too easily or lose focus of their own goals, just imagine how hard it will be for them to complete important tasks as adults when their responsibilities lie outside of their personal interests. Today, teens have so much going on in their lives that it can be difficult to commit to tasks that they’re not particularly passionate about: maintaining good grades for college admissions, managing chores, and consistently showing up for work. Fortunately, there are ways to help your teen develop discipline in their life.

It’s great if your teen has a personal hobby that helps them develop a routine. Activities like sports, scouting, and working on art are all great ways to inspire your teen to regularly follow up with their interests. However, as they begin to take on more time-consuming responsibilities, some of their hobbies might fall to the wayside, and they can start to falter in keeping up with more mundane, yet necessary tasks. Teens that haven’t practiced discipline might start to take detrimental shortcuts on homework when the assignment is too difficult or delay submitting applications when they can’t rely on pure interest. If this behavior continues to develop into a pattern, teens may find themselves without the stamina to sustain themselves through higher education or when they enter the workforce.

That’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s podcast episode with Dr. Anita Collins, author of her new book, The Music Advantage: How Music Helps Your Child Develop, Learn, and Thrive. Dr. Collins serves as an award-winning educator, researcher, and writer in the field of brain development and music learning at both the University of Canberra and the University of Melbourne. She’s also written one of the most watched Ted education films ever made, “How Playing an Instrument Benefits Your Brain,” and conducted research about how practicing an instrument can help young adults implement lasting changes in their brain, making her exactly the right person to talk to about developing discipline for teens.

Self-Discipline That Lasts

In our interview, we talk about Dr. Collins’ neurological approach to helping teens develop discipline through music. While you’ll have to tune in to the full podcast to hear the extent of her research, one aspect of playing an instrument that helps teens develop discipline on a neurological level is practice.

Perhaps the most apparent link between developing decision-making skills and playing an instrument is the dedication required to master one. But before we get into how practicing a musical instrument can help change your teenager’s brain structure, it’s important for you to know that it is in fact possible to get your teen to stick to their goals, pick up their trombone, and, well ... practice!

Throughout the years that Dr. Collin’s has worked with teens and young adults, she’s gathered a few tactics that parents can use to help motivate their children to consistently pick up their instruments:

Designating a specific time period for your teen to practice
Whether it’s for 20 minutes before school every day or for an hour after soccer practice on Fridays, having a designated time period every week dedicated to practicing music can help your teen internalize their mental preparation. If their body adjusts to a regular schedule to play music, then they’re more likely to revisit the task because they both mentally and physically expect to be playing music. Dr. Collins says you can help clue your kids to practice by letting them know that there are “20 minutes till dinner,” automatically setting a clock for them to make some time.
Using a literal timer to help limit your teen’s practice anxiety.
Sometimes teens face anxiety about completing their tasks because they think they might take a long time. When kids do homework for hours on end, it can be daunting to constantly revisit another task that you feel like you need to get better at. However, this can be frustrating for beginners who feel like they haven’t progressed and might get discouraged or stuck trying to improve until they notice a difference. Setting a timer for playing an instrument can cut through some of the anxiety around mastery, and you can reassure them that over time, they’ll start to notice a difference.
Using the idea of a social environment as a stick/carrot incentive.
One aspect about playing an instrument that teens can relate to doing well in homework, getting into a good college, or succeeding at work is the social quality. When playing an instrument, there are many social settings that your teen might be either required or tempted to participate in. For example, you might consider enrolling your child in community lessons at the local music center or having them take band class as an elective. In this case, they might be motivated because they know that other people are depending on them to do well. On the other hand, your teen might want to practice at home so that they’re good enough to perform at a talent show or at parties. If they have to play in front of an audience at a recital or in front of friends, they might start to realize that practicing consistently will produce some kind of payoff. In any case, you can get your teen to consistently practice by asking the question, “How well do you want to do when you play in front of others?”
Give your teen the power to choose when they practice.
Dr. Collins says that sometimes all teens want is to make their own decisions. This is particularly wise because it helps teens feel independent while reinforcing the impact of their decision-making skills. One way you can do this, according to Anita, is by striking a compromise with your teen. “You have to play for 5 hours every week, but you get to decide when those hours are. At the end of the week, we’ll check in and see how you did.” This approach can help teens realize that playing their instrument for five hours on Friday night might not be the best approach. They’ll get tired halfway through practice and realize that it’s easier to break into more manageable pieces like any other responsibility likely to come their way.

This is how your teen establishes habits that allow them to maintain a routine even after they stop playing their instrument. Because they’ve had experience with negative consequences from failing to practice, increasingly positive payoff from adhering to long-term development, and managing time commitment among their other responsibilities, teens will be able to convert responsibility into habit through practice.

The Neurology of Learning an Instrument

But wait, how is it that playing an instrument is going to help your teenager stay focused on other tasks? Just because they’ve practiced playing an instrument, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be able to stay focused when doing their homework, right? One is loud and noisy and takes your full concentration, whereas the other is an internal process. Well, during the podcast, we discuss how developing discipline through practicing a mu...

Ep 128: Persuade Your Teen With Story Mar 07, 2021

Lisa Cron, author of the new book Story or Die, shows us how to use and create powerful stories that can drive teens to change their bad behavior without you even asking.

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Full show notes

Often as parents we think telling our teen the facts about texting and driving or vaping will show them that they need to change their behavior. The danger is so clear! When we are in the same room or car as our teen, they may go along with us, but spewing facts at someone rarely causes a person to affect long-term changes to their behavior. But how exactly can you persuade your teen to change for the better if they reject facts? The answer is simple: tell a story.

We are affected by stories every moment of the day. In fact, our brains are wired to create narratives about the world and our own lives. Rarely do objective facts persuade as strongly as an emotionally engaging story. But telling a story properly is another matter.

Fortunately this week, story-crafting expert Lisa Cron, is ready to help us learn how to spin a tale. Cron is an accomplished writer, literary agent, and TV producer. She’s the author of the new book Story or Die: How to Use Brain Science to Engage, Persuade, and Change Minds in Business and in Life. Cron believes that to make what you say impactful, you have to switch from using facts to telling an engaging emotional story. In today's episode, Cron shares useful advice on how to get your teens to obey your wishes and see your perspective by changing the way you share information with them.

Don’t Face the Facts

Cron expresses that more logically minded parents may think that giving their teens the cold hard facts will convince them that they’re right about something. She shares that there are four different types of facts: warning, validating, conflicting, and neutral. But regardless of what type of fact you use with them, none will work in a fundamental disagreement with your teen.

Say your 17-year-old teen thinks that going to a college party isn’t a big deal. They say “I’ll be responsible, I won't do anything reckless, I promise to be home at 1am.” You know that regardless of what they say, it’s just not a good idea. So you give your teen a warning fact: “Lots of assault goes on at college parties.” They say they’ll be on alert for dangerous people. You tell them a neutral fact : ”Underage drinking is illegal.” They say they won’t drink—yah right! Face it, they have an excuse for every fact you bring up and nothing you say is going to get through to them.

Cron says that when you bring up points that go directly against what a teenager believes, they’re biologically programmed to see it as a personal attack. This is called confirmation bias.

It derives from basic human survival tactics. People used to form tribes of like minded individuals because it would keep them safe. So when we are confronted by facts that oppose our beliefs, we view it as potentially dangerous. Cron explains that our brain's primary function is to take care of the body. When we are psychologically attacked, our bodies are triggered and we shut down. So rather than insisting we’re right, parents need to focus on empathizing with their teens.

Get Emotional

People say decisions should be made void of emotion. Cron says that this is impossible because nothing ever happens to us that’s not accompanied by emotions. In actuality, we make decisions based on how a rational analysis of something made us feel. Memories are really just past recordings of emotions that exist in our brains to help us remember things. Recall that one time when you lost your keys, scoured your whole house to find it, and ended up being thirty minutes late to an important meeting? You didn’t remember where your keys were because you had no emotional attachment to the random dish you left them in. You might have remembered where you put them if you make up a kooky song about putting it in the same place every day.

No one will remember something you told them if they have no connection to it. So in order to get teens to remember a lesson or chore they need to do, parents must tie it to an emotion. You need to see from your teens perspective how your command is affecting them. Is it helping or hurting them? What emotion is it pulling out of them? Tell them a story of why doing what you ask of them will have a positive effect on them. If they happen to be boy crazy, and you’re trying to get them to cook dinner, tell them how you got your spouse to fall in love with you by cooking their favorite meal. If they’d rather hang out with their friends than babysit their younger brother, tell them how a night in with your brother led you on an adventurous scavenger hunt through your neighborhood.

What if you don’t want to share the many embarrassing or inappropriate stories from your youth? Cron insists you should. According to her, the best way to add emotion and create a powerful story is to admit mistakes. Teenagers generally don’t want to listen to parents who think they’re perfect and know better. So share a tale of when you’ve made stupid decisions or gotten yourself into sticky situations. As an author, Cron believes that readers find flawless characters to be inauthentic and boring. What people are actually drawn to is vulnerability. So when you’re crafting a cautionary tale to warn your teen of the dangers of texting and driving, don’t be afraid to tell them about the time you did so and ended up getting a $400 ticket. This’ll show them that parents are not perfect. They make the same silly (and costly) mistakes that teens do. The thing we are most afraid of telling our teens may actually be what gets through to them the most.

Aha Moment

Cron says that every story must have an aha moment. A point when you realize the thing you need to do is worth the cost you’re giving up. These moments should be crafted around what you specifically want your teen to take away from the story. If you’re telling them a story because you want them to quit a nasty habit of theirs, they need to have a subjective reason for quitting. Because nobody makes a change for no reason. They change because life has taught them that there is a better way of doing things. You must find your teens motivations for doing whatever it is that’s bothering you and create a greater incentive for them to do it your way.

In this episode we discuss….

Determining Your Call to Action in a Story
Why Saying “Go to Your Room and Think About What You’ve Done" Never Works
Understanding Teenagers Motivations for Misbehaving
How to Get Your Teen to Stop Texting and Driving

This week's episode with Lisa Cron was exceptionally eye-opening and insightful. I walked away with a greater understanding of how to get through to teenagers and I hope you do too!

Ep 127: How to Heal a Broken Bond Feb 28, 2021

Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement and When Parents Hurt, offers insight on how to repair fractured relationships. Plus, why parental estrangement is becoming increasingly common and what we can do to prevent it in the first place.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

After all the blood, sweat, and tears of raising a kid, any parent would want a good relationship with a son or daughter that’s reached adulthood. But sometimes, conflicts that start small during the teenage years grow more intense, and parent-child relationships are ruined by resentment. Many parents find themselves painfully estranged from their grown children after they’ve left the nest. The sad part is, these rifts could have been mended before teens grew into adults, if only parents knew the right approach.

Oftentimes, parents do attempt to remedy deep conflicts with teens, but they go about it in the wrong way. Although they have the kid’s best interest at heart, they find themselves using defensive language, or fail to truly empathize with their children. If you want to keep your kids from distancing themselves as adults, you’ll have to really connect and hash things out from the heart.

To teach us how to overcome bad blood between ourselves and our teens, we’re talking to Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Joshua became estranged from his own daughter when he went through a difficult divorce. It became worse when he remarried and had kids with his new wife.

He was eventually able to reconnect with his daughter, but the pain of the experience was unforgettable. He decided to dedicate his efforts to researching parent-child estrangement, becoming an expert. He now hosts weekly Q&A’s and writes a regular newsletter on the subject, along with publishing several books about it.

So what can Joshua teach us about healing our relationships with our teens? In our interview, he talks about how part of the reason why kids distance themselves is a change in culture. We also talk about how your co-parent can push kids away from you, and how you can begin to breach the divide even when it seems like you’ll never get your kid back.

The Significance of Cultural Changes

Many of us think that kids should always remain grateful and loyal to their parents, because that’s the way we were raised. We were taught that family is an indispensable part of life, a duty that follows you forever. However, with millennials and generation z facing a more troubled economy, a tougher job market and a higher price of living, they’ve had to become more focused on their own survival. Jonathan and I discuss how this has led to an overall shift towards an individualistic mindset instead of a collective, family based lifestyle.

There’s been a stronger focus on mental health in recent years as well, with more people than ever before entering into psychotherapy. Young folks are significantly more likely than older generations to think deeply and critically about the effects of their upbringing on their wellbeing. This leads to more young adults justifying anger towards the ones who raised them.

As a mother or father, this can be incredibly frustrating. It’s not as if parents have become less attentive or careful. In fact, Joshua has found that parents nowadays are more doting towards kids than ever before. However, this can actually lead kids to want to distance themselves even more. If kids have always felt as though they were under a microscope, they’re likely to strive more intensely for individualism, pushing parents away in the process.

Joshua and I talk further in the episode about cultural changes that have led to more conflict between kids and parents. In addition to cultural changes, this alienation can also be caused by one parent poisoning the image of the other in the child’s mind.

When Parents Put Each Other Down

For some kids, especially when divorce is involved, a kid’s anger towards a parent might be fueled by the other parent. When things are complicated between co-parents, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of dissing the other person when the kid is in earshot. Even when a parent isn’t actively trying to paint the other as a bad person, it can happen as a result of a fight or feud between the two of you.

Joshua stresses the importance of remaining grounded and affectionate toward your co-parent, at least in front of your child. Talking bad about the other person isn’t going to help your relationship with your kid. Even if your co-parent is constantly throwing you under the bus, kids need at least one parent to remain stable and keep things collected.

So if your co-parent is rocking the boat by filling your child’s mind with bad notions about you, what can you do to keep your kid from turning against you? Joshua suggests challenging your kid to think critically about the comments being made in an attempt to tarnish your image. He also suggests listening to the concerns your kid may have now that you’ve been criticized, and empathize with them to understand where you might be misstepping as a parent.

Empathy actually plays a big role in reconnecting with a kid. Joshua and I get into this in the episode.

Listening and Empathizing

When your kid is pushing you away, citing every choice of yours as a reason for distancing themselves, it’s pretty darn tempting to get defensive. It’s incredibly frustrating when kids don’t understand that you’re trying your best. Despite the frustration, however, Joshua emphasizes the value of coming from a place of understanding when trying to bridge the gap with your kid.

Joshua uses a story about his work with paranoid schizophrenics to explain how you should speak to a teen who’s hurt. Joshua found that if he made schizophrenic patients feel as if their delusions were ridiculous, he couldn't get through to them at all. In order to truly help them, he had to validate their beliefs, and understand where they were coming from. Only then was he able to prompt them to question their illogical beliefs.

Even if you think your kid is throwing baseless accusations at you, Joshua believes it’s imperative that you find a kernel of truth in what they’re saying. Making kids feel selfish or mean will simply turn them off from working towards unity. Using phrases like, “I’m open to hearing your thoughts and feelings” or “I want to be better going forward” can help you make progress towards finding peace with one another.

In the episode, Joshua goes over two examples of letters from parents trying to make amends. Although the two examples are similar, one comes off as defensive and blames the child, while the other conveys understanding and respect for the child’s feelings. We discuss this empathetic approach in depth, explaining how you can lead with kindness instead of bitterness when patching up broken bonds with your teenager.

In the Episode….

Joshua speaks from the heart in this week's episode, making for a moving interview and great advice for parents who might be grappling with reconnecting to teens. In addition to the topics discussed above, we talk about:

Why parents and kids get into a toxic “pursuer/distancer” dynamic
How ...

Ep 126: Making Awkward Conversations Easier Feb 21, 2021

Michelle Icard, author of the new book Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, joins us to chat about the most important discussions to have with young people these days. We’ll also cover how to make them go smoothly and what parents can do to minimize awkwardness (and arguments) in the process!

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Full show notes

Say you’ve got a touchy topic you want to approach your teen about–maybe you found a vape in their room! You know that the moment you bring it up, your teen will explode and slam the door in your face. Or, even if you are able to sit down and have a real discussion, you’re worried they’ll ask you a question you don’t know the answer to...and you’ll be caught like a deer in headlights! You might be so stressed about the conversation that you just don’t bring your concerns up at all.

Avoiding these tricky talks can be tempting, but ignoring them can have serious consequences. If no one walks a teen through complicated subjects like consent, drug use or self esteem, teens might not know what to do when they get themselves into real trouble. Opening up a line of communication with your teen can help them navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and help you rest easy knowing they’re not keeping secrets from you.

To figure out how you can approach uncomfortable discussions with your teen, we’re talking to Michelle Icard, author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. Michelle is a member of the Today Show Parenting Team, and has been featured in the Washington Post, Time, People Magazine, and more.

In our interview today we’re going over Michelle’s BRIEF model for tough conversations. Yes, this does mean keeping talks with teens short, but the acronym illuminates a super effective set of steps to ease into difficult discussions with kids. Michelle and I also break down how you can confront teens about independence, social media, healthy eating, dating, and more!

Michelle’s BRIEF Conversation Model

Starting a conversation with a teenager can be remarkably intimidating, but Michelle’s got it down to a science. She’s gathered the essential steps of having serious talks with teens and combined them into an acronym: BRIEF. In the episode, Michelle and I go through each and every step and explain how you can incorporate them the next time you have to strike up an uncomfortable chat with a teen.

The B in BRIEF stands for beginning peacefully. This diplomatic approach is a huge part of bridging the communication gap between you and your teen. It’s easy to freak out when you discover that they have a secret boyfriend or are hiding symptoms of an eating disorder. But if you come out right away with prescriptive or punitive measures, you’ll likely scare your kid off and cause them to shut down. Michelle’s method champions a calm, collected start to the conversation.

This can mean kicking off talks off with gentle, general questions that don’t include your teen. For example, if you’re worried that your teen may have started smoking weed, you could casually ask what they think about the current rise in legalization or inquire if it’s something they’d ever consider trying. You could discuss the possible side effects of hypothetically partaking in marijuana use. This non-confrontational tone will keep kids from feeling attacked or judged, giving them an open forum to communicate instead.

In our interview, Michelle and I go over the other four steps of the BRIEF method: relating to teens, interviewing for data, echoing your kid, and finally, feedback. This method works for delving into any topic...even complicated subjects like social media and dating.

Discussing Social Media With Teens

If you didn’t grow up with social media, it can seem pretty unnecessary–or even alarming. When teens are obsessed with joining Tik Tok and posting on Instagram, it’s normal to be worried that they’ll become addicted or post risque stuff without you knowing. However, Michelle argues that social media can be a great tool for passion and creativity. In the episode, she shares an anecdote about her own daughter creating a fun Hunger Games fan page and getting a shout out from one of the franchise’s actors!

If you want teens to be able to have a fulfilling experience online instead of an unhealthy one, Michelle says the key is to sit down and have conversations about it. Social media is a tool that can be useful, or dangerous...just like a buzz saw. And like a buzz saw, you wouldn’t want someone to start using social media if they didn’t know how to operate it safely. Having non judgemental, open talks with teens about what’s too inappropriate to post on Twitter can make a monumental difference.

Even after you have thorough dialogue with your teen about social media, you might find that they defy the rules you set. Michelle reminds parents to stay calm and collected, beginning with that peaceful approach. In the episode, we break down how and when to start discussing social media sites with teens. Stepping off the web and into real life, there’s another essential, but awkward discussion you’ll have to have with teens: dating.

Having the Dating Conversation

Every parent knows that at some point, they’re going to have to get into a talk with teens about the birds and the bees. It’s inevitable for teens to start crushing on classmates and feeling flirty, so it can be very valuable to talk to them about the ins and outs of relationships, sex and courtship. Michelle’s advice? Start young. If you can have these conversations early and often, you can prevent teens from falling into heartbreak or worse, being pressured into something they don’t want to do.

Interestingly, Michelle also recommends not imposing too many limits on teens who are inclined to engage in dating. She explains that parents often want to place kids under a dating age restriction, but that young relationships can actually help kids test the waters and understand what they truly want out of a romantic encounter. Most of the time, these courtships are nothing sexual or serious, but instead just attempts by teens to feel validated and wanted.

So should you be afraid to let kid go alone to the mall with their new beau? Michelle says that it can actually be better for two teens who are dating to hang out alone, instead of with a huge gang of people. Oftentimes, big groups can pressure “couples” to do things they might not be comfortable with. When kids are hanging out just the two of them they’re much more likely to be themselves, and not do anything too drastic, says Michelle in our interview.

In the Episode….

Michelle’s experience talking to parents around the world shines through in her savvy takes on tricky topics. In addition to the subjects mentioned above, we cover:

How creating boundaries with teens can actually create stronger bonds
Why teen’s process emotions differently than adults
How to ditch passive aggression in favor of open communication
What to say to encourage teens to eat healthy
How you can help kids naturally become more independent

Although it’s hard to strike up serious conversations with teens, Michelle teaches us how to have productive, honest talks that don't devolve into eye-rolling or arguments. Grateful to...

Ep 125: What To Do With a Negative Teen Feb 14, 2021

Roy F. Baumeister, PhD, bestselling author of Willpower and The Power of Bad, helps us understand our tendency to focus on the negatives and why it’s not all bad. Not winning “the best parent” awards? Turns out that’s not what matters for a successful teen.

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Full show notes

When teens find out their friends are hanging out without them, or they didn’t get a part in the school play, they suddenly act like it’s the end of the world! No matter how hard you try to convince them that it’s really not a big deal and that there will be other opportunities in the future, they just can’t seem to get over it. Then, even when they appear to be back to their usual self for a while, it seems like every week something new goes wrong. They just can’t stop making mountains out of molehills!

This focus on the negative expands just past dramatic teens–you might notice it in your own experiences. Even when you have ten positive interactions with your coworkers, it’s always the one that goes badly that plays over and over in your mind when you’re trying to sleep at night. You may find yourself scrutinizing your own parenting the same way, thinking about a single mistake even when you usually knock it out of the park.

To understand our preoccupation with the unfortunate, we’re talking to Dr. Roy Baumeister, author of The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It. After his research paper about the human obsession with bad events garnered a remarkable amount of citations, he decided to sit down and write a book about why people tend to think too much about the things that go wrong.

Dr. Baumeister and I dive into why negative experiences feel so much more significant than positive ones. We also talk about how to dole out bad news and criticism, and the mind’s peculiar reaction to social rejection.

Why We Obsess Over the Bad

When our ancestors were foraging through the forest, they weren’t focused on how nice the sun felt or the beauty of the sunset–they were trying not to die! They were much more likely to take note of events like sudden illness or bad weather because these things may have cost them their life if not addressed. Individuals who were able to concentrate on the negative likely lived longer than those who were caught up in pleasures, leading our modern minds to become preoccupied with negative events.

This explains why our current culture seems to be so infatuated with doom and gloom. Our 24 hour news cycle blasts us with info about impending threats and nightmare scenarios. We obsess over the most frightening possible existential threats because our minds are just trying to help us stay alive. It's the same reason we have so many more words to describe misery and despair. Dr. Baumeister and I talk about how words like “trauma” have no positive equivalent.

These evolutionary forces are also the reason why teenagers act so melodramatic. Whether it’s conscious or subconscious, they’re preparing to take on the world on their own. They’re deeply affected by bad experiences because deep down, they’re in the process of gaging their chances of survival.

As a species, we consider fitting in as an important part of these survival tactics. When we can roll with the pack, we're better prepared against the dark forces we’re so focused on. If we find ourselves not fitting in, however, our body has a curious reaction.

The Strange Effect of Social Rejection

Since we tend to focus too much on negative events, it seems likely that experiencing social rejection might cause us an immense amount of emotional pain. However, Dr. Baumeister discusses how his research actually demonstrates otherwise. When we’re not invited to a party or turned down for a date, we’re not likely to feel upset but instead, numb.

Dr. Baumeister explains that this is also likely a result of evolution. If we were, say, being chased by a tiger in the jungle, we might momentarily hurt ourselves tripping and falling. Instead of letting that pain hold us back, our body releases chemicals that numb the pain, so we can stay alive longer. Although the threat of tigers has diminished, our survival instinct remains, especially within our social spheres. The pain of social rejection hits hard, so our body starts out by removing feelings altogether, says Dr. Baumeister.

Because rejection causes our feelings to subside, humans experiencing a lack of belonging are also more likely to lack empathy. As a result, social rejection actually makes us unpredictably aggressive. Those facing the burn of not being included are much more inclined to lash out against those around them. This is why teens, constantly entrenched in the socially ruthless environment of high school, might scream insults and slam the door in your face.

It’s easy for parents to fall into this same trap. In the episode, Dr. Baumeister and I discuss how you can work through this urge to lash out with your teen. When it comes to negativity, you might also struggle to tell teens bad news or put punitive measures in place. In the interview we talk about how you can introduce these not-so-positive parts of parenting.

Getting into the Necessary Negatives

Even though we sometimes wish everything was perfectly peachy, life isn’t a bouquet of roses. Sometimes you’ve got to deliver bad news or dole out some punishment. Dr. Baumeister and I talk through how you can handle all these unpleasant but unavoidable tasks.

When we have some unfortunate news to impart, we often adopt a “sandwich” approach, delivering good news first, then bad news, and then good news again. However, Dr. Baumeister discredits the effectiveness of this method. He says this concept emerged as a way to postpone delivering bad news, but doesn’t make dreadful information any easier for the listener to stomach. Instead, he suggests sharing bad news first, and then the good. Our minds crave relief after receiving a load of unpleasant info.

Do you often find punishment hard? Well, you should still consider it an important option, says Dr. Baumeister. In his studies, he’s found that punishment is much more effective than positive reinforcement at motivating individuals. You can entice someone with a reward for meeting a standard, but it will work much better if you threaten to take something away, Dr. Baumeister explains. Therefore, you shouldn’t be afraid to punish kids who are out of line.

For example if a kid is struggling to get good grades, it’s typical to offer them some cash for every A or B. However, it might be wiser to give them that cash up front, and let them know that for every C or D, they’ll have money taken away. This method has been proven to work with factory employees, young kids, and even teachers.

In the Episode…

Dr. Baumeister’s many years of research make for a riveting interview this week. In addition to the topics above we talk about:

Why you shouldn’t scrutinize your own parenting too much
The significance of “bad apples” in a group of people
How social media can be a positive force
Why we always think the past is better than the present
How we often create too much fear around vaping

Although it’s in our nature to focus on the negative, we can use ou...

Ep 124: The Upside of Rude Teens Feb 07, 2021

Rebecca Reid, journalist and author of Rude, sheds light on the surprising positives to rudeness and how we could all get a bit more rude without offending anyone!

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Full show notes

It’s easy to get caught up worrying about your kid behaving rudely when you’re not around. You might be picturing them going to the neighbor's house and asking for food they weren’t offered, forgetting to say please and thank you, and causing a huge mess without cleaning it up. No one wants a kid with no manners, so we tend to push politeness onto kids with a fervor. We often try so hard to keep kids from being rude that we force them to swing too far in the other direction, towards being overly courteous, saying “sorry” for everything and letting others walk all over them.

When we teach our kids to be apologetic, we can do more harm than good. Raising an overly submissive teen can mean that they’re not comfortable raising their hand in the classroom, advocating for themselves in a job interview or even saying no to an unwanted sexual encounter. If we want to raise happy and healthy teens, we have to teach them to be firm, honest, comfortable...and maybe even a little rude.

Today we’re sitting down to chat with Rebecca Reid, author of Rude: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Bold. Rebecca is a regular columnist for Marie Clare, the Guardian, the Telegraph, and more. She also makes regular appearances on Good Morning Britain, where she contributes to conversations about political and social issues.

Rebecca has been known to be assertive and firm in her convictions...but has always found herself apologizing a little too much. She started to notice that a lot of her submissiveness was caused by how she was conditioned to act as a woman! That’s why she decided to write her book, to help young people, especially girls, understand when it’s ok to be a little impolite and express their true feelings.

In our discussion, she breaks down the difference between positive and negative rudeness, the ways in which we can teach kids to understand consent, and how rudeness plays into the parent-teen relationship.

The Right Kind of Rude

When we hear the word “rude”, we think about everything we don’t want our kids to be. We might conjure up images of people chewing with their mouths open, or loudly interrupting somebody with no regard for this current conversation. When Rebecca talks about raising kids to be a little rude, this isn’t quite what she means.

Rebecca divides rude behavior into positive and negative. Negative rudeness is what you might think when you think of being rude: using vulgar language, cutting someone in line, or insulting someone’s new haircut. Positive rudeness is all about making things a little uncomfortable when needed. If someone’s exhibiting positive rudeness, they alert the waiter when they’re given the wrong order, or tell someone honestly that they’re not interested in going on a date.

In our interview, I talk with Rebecca about how young people, especially girls, have been conditioned to put other people’s feelings before their own. While it can be good to teach kids the importance of being considerate, Rebecca believes we shouldn’t stop there. She says we should also help them understand when it’s appropriate to speak up and communicate their feelings and desires.

Take, for example, the difference between saying “sorry” and “thank you”. When we’re late, we tend to apologize, when our true intention is to show that we appreciate the other person waiting for us. We’ve grown so used to saying “sorry” for every small mistake, putting ourselves down unnecessarily. Rebecca explains how it’s ok to not apologize, even when our conditioning makes us feel we have to.

A huge part of discussing communication and assertiveness among young people is the idea of helping them stop an unwanted sexual encounter. Rebecca and I delve into this in the episode.

Helping Teens Understand Consent

Talking to kids about sex is pretty much always awkward...how could it not be? However, if we totally neglect to talk to kids about the birds and the bees, they might not go into it with the right mindset. They might feel like they need to cave to pressure, or may not know the signs that their partner is feeling pressured.

Rebecca and I talk about how this relates to rudeness–that is, making things uncomfortable for the sake of one’s own well being. It might not be the most agreeable thing to say “no” when someone asks for sex, but it’s the right thing for teens to do if they’re not ready to consent.

If you want to teach your kid about bodily autonomy, Rebecca says you can start by simply reminding them that they don’t have to do anything they aren’t comfortable with. She suggests explaining to them that if someone is tickling them or tossing them in the air, they can ask for it to to stop. If they don’t want to kiss or hug family members or friends, it can be really valuable to reassure them that they don’t have to.

Similarly, Rebecca suggests creating an environment in your home where teens can come to you if they’ve had a sexual experience they aren’t sure about. Even though sex can be a touchy topic, giving your kid a safe space to share their concerns can be so important. It’s difficult for teens to turn to somebody when a traumatic sexual situation is weighing on them, and having your support can make a huge difference.

It’s important for teens to know they can be a little rude when confronted with unwanted sexual activity, but this isn’t the only place where rudeness plays a role. In the episode, Rebecca and I chat about how rudeness factors into parent-teen relationships.

Why Being Rude Matters

As a parent, you’re probably used to telling your teen to stop talking back, to quit giving you sass. But Rebecca says this tendency for teens to rebel against what we ask of them can be integral to their development. They’re experimenting with expressing their own opinions and challenging what they’ve been taught–something they'll have to learn to do as they grow into adults. In this case, Rebecca says it’s necessary for teens to be rude, so they can test their own boundaries.

Similarly, it can be important for parents to be a little rude to kids. If you’re having a conversation with another adult, but your kid just won’t stop bugging you, Rebecca says it’s alright to shush your kid and tell them to stop. Although it might be abrupt or a bit curt, you’re helping your kid understand boundaries, and reminding them that they’re not the center of the universe. If you’re not a little rude to them occasionally, they might grow up expecting everyone to tiptoe around them and treat them with total politeness–an expectation that doesn’t match reality.

Rudeness is a difficult line to walk in your relationship with your kid, but it’s better than always pretending every interaction is a frolic through a field of daisies. If you go too far and find yourself exhibiting negative rudeness, Rebecca says to take it as an opportunity to apologize. Admitting you made a mistake and showing kids you can accept when you’re wrong sets a great example for teens who might find themselves having to do the same thing.

In the Episode…

Rebecca and I discuss all sorts of ways that being a little rude ...

Ep 123: Colleges, Universities, and What You're Really Paying For Jan 31, 2021

Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College and NYT Your Money columnist, clues us in on what marketing tricks your teen’s favorite colleges might be using and how to get the best deal.

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Full show notes

With prices skyrocketing and competition for admission growing more intense every year, applying to college can be a major source of stress for both parents and teens! It’s enormously difficult to decide which school offers the right dorms, classes, and clubs. On top of all that, you and your student have to figure out how you’re going to foot the bill.

Although families have access to resources like the FAFSA and other financial aid, it can be incredibly difficult to figure out how it all works. Every school offers something different, and half the time it seems like they tack on costs out of nowhere! It can feel like you’re being hoodwinked when you're just trying to give your teen a brighter future.

To get to the bottom of all the college cost craziness, we’re talking to Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make. Ron is a business expert, and writes the wildly popular “Your Money” column in New York Times. His expertise about money and parenting have made a twice best-selling author!

Today, he and I are discussing some questionable methods colleges use to entice students into attending. We’re also breaking down the questions teens should be asking themselves when shopping for schools, and a few key things they should be wary about when embarking on their university journey.

Why You Should Question How Colleges Market Themselves

College is expensive….like, really expensive. Luckily, there are few ways parents can pay, though they’re not always easy to navigate. Some students get scholarships based on merit, because they have exhibited academic skill or another impressive quality. While this may seem like a life saver, most colleges have some tricks up their sleeve when it comes to scholarships.

Ron breaks down the deceptive nature of many of these merit based aid programs. While they started as a way for schools to bring smarter students to campus at a lower cost, they’ve lost their original, intended purpose, says Ron. It’s become more and more common for schools to offer them to the majority of students, often even hiking up the sticker price of tuition to make it seem as though they’re handing families a discount.

In fact, there’s a billion dollar industry behind these discounts, with colleges finding the exact amount of financial aid to offer students to ensure that they attend the institution–but not a penny more. Ron and I talk about how colleges sometimes even measure how often applicants visit their websites or how quickly teens open their emails, to see how badly students want to attend. If teens seem eager to go to a particular place, schools can use this information to extract more money out of these hopeful students.

In the episode, Ron gets into why all these tricky marketing schemes came into being, and ways you can get around them. When it comes to picking a school, there’s more than just the price to think about, however. In addition to talking about financial aid, Ron shares the questions he thinks every student should be asking themselves before they choose a college.

Finding the College that Fits

Selecting a scholarly institution is no easy task. Ron suggests that teens ask themselves what they really want out of college. He sorts students into three different categories depending on what kind of experience they prioritize. Some want to get practical knowledge, acquiring a degree or license with the main purpose of gainful employment. Others want to find their pack, the people who truly get them. Some go away to school to have a unique learning experience and expand their mind.

What kids really need to do is understand what it is exactly they’re going to college for. If they have a notion locked down, they’ll know what questions to ask their tour guides. Ron puts this idea in terms of examining a college’s dorm design, something students often don’t consider. If your kid wants to meet as many people as possible, dorms with more closed off quarters are likely not the right choice. If they want to engage in a lot of quiet studying, it might be in their best interest to look into a school where dorms are more spread out.

For students who are looking to learn as much as possible, Ron suggests seeking out a college with small class sizes. Research shows that these institutions have a lot of benefits, with students getting more individual attention and forming strong mentorships with their professors. Ron explains that this model works especially well for women and people of color.

In the episode, Ron lays out some metrics teens can use to pit different colleges against each other when deciding where to apply to and attend. He shares how you and your teen can decide if it’s worth it to fork over extra cash for a university with a higher rate of alumni success. The college search can also be full of hidden red flags, however. In addition to things students should look for in a school, there are also things they should look out for.

What to Avoid When Applying

There are a few things Ron believes families should be wary of when trying to settle on a university. Ron explains how a lot of colleges have a large number of adjunct professors, which are grad students or aspiring professors who don’t work at the university full time. He warns that adjunct professors may have less time for students and less dedication to the school, as their ties to the university are tenuous.

Ron also emphasises the need to make sure schools champion diversity. By this he means not just diversity in race, religion, and sexual orientation, but also diversity of thought. When touring a school, he suggests asking the tour guide to recall a time they had heated discussion with someone, either in class or out of class. If the tour guide can’t recall a story, that’s a sign that the school doesn't encourage vigorous thought, and instead discourages dissent.

Is your teen interested in joining a school’s honors program? Ron encourages them to be cautious. Only about 20 % of people who start college in an honors program actually remain in it until they graduate. He also warns that most honors programs show an incredible lack of diversity. While honors programs started with good intentions, they’ve become another way school’s market themselves to empty student’s pockets.

There are lots of things to consider when picking a school, but Ron is here to break down and simplify the process.

In the Episode…

It was so enjoyable to sit down with Ron this week and shed some light on the college selection process. In addition to the topics above, we touch on:

Why Ron thinks all students should take a gap year
How you can talk to kids about college finances
Why the top 45 colleges are so sought aftez
How having the wrong roommate can seriously wreck your college experience

Although you and your teen might be stressed about selecting a school, there are things you can do to make the whole process easier. By understanding why your student is...

Ep 122: Why Teens Rage and What To Do About It Jan 24, 2021

R. Doug Fields, author of Why We Snap and Electric Brain, shares insight from the field of neuroscience on why as evolved as we are, parents and teens still snap at each other. Plus, what new research in the field of brain waves could mean for our kids in the future.

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Full show notes

You’ve been asking your teenager to unload the dishwasher for days, only to be brushed off everytime. One day, you decide that enough is enough–your teen has lost the privilege of having their phone until they unload it. You announce this to your teen, explaining with a perfect sense of calm why this has to happen….but suddenly, your teen flies off the handle! Furious, they hurl insults, exclaim protestations, and then refuse to come out of their room. Why are they getting so worked up over such a small event?

It turns out that this response is a part of a complicated evolutionary brain mechanism, one intended to keep us safe...but can sometimes misfire. It comes down to how we’re wired to face threats, whether we’re being followed down a dark alley or getting into an intense facebook fight! Understanding how this mental system works can help teens from making some impulsive mistakes–and help parents stay cool when arguments with teens heat up.

This week we’re sitting down with neuroscientist Dr. R. Douglas Fields, author of Why We Snap: Understanding the Rage Circuit in Your Brain and Electric Brain: How the New Science of Brainwaves Reads Minds, Tells Us How We Learn, and Helps Us Change for the Better. Dr. Fields is a leading researcher in the field of brain science, studying everything from experimental usage of brain waves to developmental psychology. Today, we’re talking about aggression: why it comes so suddenly, how it affects our body, and what we can do about it.

Why Aggression Appears

Dr. Fields became fascinated by the brain’s aggressive response when he found himself being attacked by a gang on the Barcelona subway. While he and his daughter were in the station, he felt someone grasp for his wallet. Instantly, he was able to grab the perpetrator and tackle him to the ground, putting him in a chokehold. With no martial arts training, and no exceptional athleticism….how in the world was Dr. Fields able to accomplish such an astounding physical feat??!

Asking himself that same question, Dr. Fields embarked on a research journey to understand how the body is able to perceive threats and react accordingly. It turns out, this response is deeply unconscious, monitored by the same mechanisms that our brain uses to regulate hunger and thirst.

Since this response is hard-wired in our brains, intended to keep us alive, Dr Fields says it’s pointless to tell an upset teen to just “calm down”. In fact, that will likely make the situation worse. Instead, Dr. Fields suggests educating your teen on why a situation is firing them up, and prompt them to consider if it’s worth acting on their angry impulses. If someone flips your teen off in traffic,of course they’re going to get upset. But is it worth yelling back and cutting this person off, risking their own safety? Likely not! Having these discussions with teens can keep them from making decisions they regret.

While adults struggle with aggressive responses just like teens do, teens are not as capable of regulating their response, says Dr. Fields. In the episode, he discusses how teens’ have brains that aren’t quite developed enough to control their angry impulses. He shares how you can help a teen learn the importance of self control.

When it comes to handling danger, there are certain factors that affect the nature of our reaction. Dr. Fields dives into what these factors are, and why they’re so important to understanding aggressive impulses.

The Significance of Sex

There are four main influences that affect the body’s response to a perceived threat: our genetic makeup, our childhood experiences, brain damage (from sources like injury or drugs), and, most importantly, our gender. While it’s important to consider our level of impairment (we all know alcohol can make us a little more inclined to impulsivity) and the nature of our upbringing, Dr. Fields says the number one force that indicates our level of rage is our sex.

Why is this so? Dr. Fields explains that the answer comes down to the bilateral nature of our brain! When women are encountered with a threat, the response takes place in the left side of the brain, where we process smaller details and analyze the situation at hand. When a large man brushes a bit too aggressively against a woman in a bar, she’s not likely to incite violence against him–she’s smart enough to know that’s a battle she can’t win.

If a man finds himself in a similar situation, he’s much more likely to get rough with the other fellow, because his reaction to danger is processed on the right side of the brain, explains Dr. Fields. This means he’s thinking more about the big picture, and guided by his emotions. He’s not analyzing how this guy will come at him when they get into a fight, he’s acting out of fury! This is why 95% of all people in prison for violent crimes are men.

The difference in response between the two genders comes down to mating, says Dr. Fields. Women examine mates for prospects, analyzing their qualities, while men are driven to mates by beauty or their visceral response to the other person. In the episode, Dr. Fields gets into how women funnel their violent impulses into indirect action, such a s gossip or self harm. Beyond just gender, Dr. Fields breaks down why certain things trigger an aggressive response, and how our threshold for becoming triggered can become lower from chronic stress

Stress and Social Rank

Among most mammals, status among the pack is essential to survival...and humans are no different. Status in our society is tied to wealth and access to resources. That’s why office politics can elicit a rage response from us–we’re triggered by the threat to our status, and therefore our stability. When teens fight with somebody on Twitter, their place in the hierarchy is being threatened in a similar way, causing them to get angry.

Contributing to this is the effect of prolonged stress. If a person is feeling anxious or expected to perform under pressure for a long period of time, their threshold for an impulsive, rage-fueled response is significantly lower. When your teen is about to overflow from managing school, sports, and their social life, they’re likely to blow up when you take their phone away.

In the episode, Dr Fields explains that before he was robbed in Barcelona, he had faced a few other threats of robbery in the preceding days, This meant that his body was on higher alert, his brain circuitry changed to be more responsive. He believes this prolonged stress is the reason he was able to defend himself against the perpetrator with a crazy amount of physical strength!

When it comes to responding with anger, educating a teen about why their body reacts the way it does can keep them from making dangerous mistakes and getting hurt. By talking to your teen about the brain science behind facing perceived threats, you can help them move through the world more safely.

In the Episode…

Ep 121: How to Transform Troublesome Boys Jan 17, 2021

Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method, joins us for a discussion on why simply talking to boys doesn’t work--and how parents can instead activate a strong bond with their teens to set them up for a thriving healthy adult life.

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When kids are misbehaving or getting on your last nerve, it can be difficult not to sound like a broken record. Repeated cries of “come home on time” or “put down the controller and start your homework” can feel as though they are falling on deaf ears! Frustratingly, no matter how hard you try to get through to them, teenagers just don’t seem to listen.

This can become extra challenging when teens are partaking in behavior that is dangerous or harmful, or even illegal. Oftentimes, teens struggling with problems like substance abuse, self harm or addiction are especially likely to discard a parent’s pleas to change. If only there was another way to get through to kids, and make them realize there’s a better way to live.

To get some advice on helping teens improve their lives, we’re sitting down with Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method: A Book for Emerging Men. Gregory has spent years as an addiction counselor and mentor for troubled teens, helping them see the path to recovery and happiness. His unconventional method towards mentoring young people might be just what you need to finally reach your teen.

Gregory’s mission is to help people understand the power of showing teens a better life, instead of just telling. He’s here to talk about how you can help kids truly build a positive future for themselves on a daily basis, instead of giving them advice that just falls flat. He also shares why it’s important to sometimes dish out some tough love, and the value of having a strong bond with your teen.

Getting Kids Engaged

You can have a million different talks with your teen to try to convince them that you know best, but you’re probably familiar with hearing a “yeah” or “ok” in response...and seeing nothing change! So how can you teach your teens a lesson that actually sticks?

In his work as an addiction counselor, Gregory often found himself hitting the same wall. Giving advice to patients in his clinic while they sat on the couch just wasn’t working, so one day he asked one of his clients to step outside with him. Once they were free from those four walls, out in the world, he realized there was a better, more interactive way to help kids get better.

From then on, he adopted a system of real world immersion in his practice. He brings kids along to try new things and experience life, and shows them the happiness that can come from healthier habits. Gregory leads his clients by example, and encourages parents to do the same. Are you skipping out on doing things that fulfill you like cooking or working out, because you’re busy nagging your kid or worrying about something you can’t control? Kids can see that, and it affects their perception of what life has to offer. The first step to helping kids discover happiness is showing them what it looks like.

Gregory believes that if you want kids to turn off the TV remote or get rid of the vape, you have to find something that helps them to enjoy life instead of seek distraction from it. It might not be easy–some kids might not be quick to share their interests or be vulnerable. However, once you catch on to a kid’s passion for surfing, dancing, writing, Gregory says to run with it. It can be so much more powerful than simply telling them to stop smoking or start working harder.

While it’s important to provide kids with positive reinforcement and encourage them to pursue passions, it can also be just as important to be tough on them. Gregory dives into when exactly it can be valuable to give teens a little bit of a harsher treatment.

The Significance of Tough Love

When teens are on the verge of giving up, Gregory stresses that they need someone to push them, not a parent who’s complicit in their choice to throw in the towel. When your son wants to play video games instead of studying for his final, he needs someone to challenge him to get rid of the controller and hit the books.

Now, this doesn’t mean that parents should abandon empathy, Gregory says. He argues that there is a time and place for both soft and tough love, and that both can be necessary. It’s like gardening. While it’s valuable for plants to have water and sunlight, they also need to be trimmed and monitored to stay healthy!

In the episode, Gregory tells the story of a patient who was seemingly a straight A student–or so he claimed. When Gregory dug a little deeper, he found that this student was actually barely scraping by. However, Gregory knew that this client wanted to be a straight A student, he just needed some tough love! He confronted the young man about the lie, challenging him, and then, using positive encouragement, guided him towards becoming a better student.

When it comes to helping teens prosper, balancing out empathetic love with emphatic love is tricky, but can work wonders. Before you can communicate words of encouragement or disdain however, you’ve got to form a sincere bond with your teen, Gregory says.

Creating a Close Bond with a Teen

One thing Gregory and I discuss in the episode is how parents are often asking the wrong questions, wondering: “When will my son start coming home on time?” or “When will my daughter start being honest with me about her alcohol use?”

Instead, Gregory suggests asking questions that prompt you to think about the nature of you and your teen’s relationship. How often do the two of you spend quality time? What’s an activity you guys might be able to do together? George emphasizes that oftentimes, the issues that plague kids are caused on some level by the lack of a positive parental relationship. George explains that if you can put in the time to form a strong bond with your teen, you’ll be better equipped to help them stay safe, happy and healthy.

Gregory also stresses the importance of knowing the difference between love and smothering. A lot of times, he meets parents who insist that they have strong, healthy connections to their children, when really they’re much too close and need to give kids some space. Gregory says not to worry, it’s normal to smother a bit, especially when teens are in a tough spot. In the episode, he shares some further advice for parents who worry they might be smothering.

While it can seem tricky to help a struggling teen snap out of their funk, Gregory’s got some thorough and enlightening advice in the episode. By showing kids that a happy life is possible, doling out tough love when needed, and making the time to forge a strong connection, you can ensure that your teen will make it through whatever tough spot they’re in.

Also in the Episode…

Why it’s powerful to be vulnerable with your kids
How to inspire creativity in teens
Why mentorship for young people can be life-changing
How different kinds of intelligence manifest in teens

Although you might be sick and tired of bossing your kid around, there are better ways to get through to them! If you enjoyed today’s episode, check out Gregory’s website velocitymembership.com, and don’t forget to subscribe!

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Ep 120: The #1 Reason Teens Turn to Tech... Jan 10, 2021

Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable and Hooked and former lecturer at Stanford University, offers new insight into why teens get so “addicted” to technology. Nir suggests the problem might not be as insurmountable as we thought and has a method for how to become indistractable.

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Full show notes

It’s so frustrating when kids seem infinitely more invested in their Fortnite match than the stack of homework sitting on their desk, or intent on binging Emily in Paris when they should be practicing their violin! In our modern world, where technology surrounds us, it seems that we’re all prone to getting caught up in all the distractions offered by our devices. We know our kids are smart and capable–if only they grew up in a world with no social media or streaming sites...right?

Although it’s tempting, blaming our kids’ tendency towards distractions on technology isn’t going to get us anywhere. Even when we take their phones away and limit their access to facebook and Instagram, it seems that they still get distracted, still procrastinate, still don’t put in their full effort! There’s got to be a better way.

Today we’re talking to the brilliant Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life and Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products. Along with teaching business at Stanford University and prospering as an entrepreneur, Nir has written widely on how people become hooked by technology, highlighting what exactly it is keeps us coming back for more. In our interview, he talks specifically about how parents can help kids dodge the technological distractions they so often fall prey to.

In Nir’s eyes, the ability of young folks to free themselves from distraction is the key to a successful future. So how can we help kids get there? The answer is a lot more complicated than just simply limiting their technology use. It involves digging deeper into what’s triggering the technology use in the first place...

Understanding Internal Triggers

When we think of the word “distraction”, we tend to think of noises or sights around us that make it hard to concentrate. While these are certainly part of our inability to focus, Nir shines light on what he believes are the most potent forces of distraction: our anxiety, boredom, dread, and confusion. Nir defines these as “internal triggers”, differentiating them from”external triggers" like the beeping of a car alarm or TV playing the news in the background.

These internal triggers are too often left out of the conversation when discussing distraction! As parents, it can be tempting to blame our kids’ concentration issues on circumstance or believe that we’re simply helpless when it comes to rebuking the distractions of tech. In reality, the solution to the problem lies in dealing with whatever it is kids are struggling with internally.

This use of procrastination to deal with bigger internal problems is similar to drowning out emotional issues with drugs or alcohol, Nir says. It’s not alcohol that drives alcoholism, it’s the emotional conflict or inner turmoil of the alcoholic that causes their unhealthy behavior. The same goes for technology, he explains. We overuse and find distraction when we’re trying to avoid dealing with feelings we’d rather push away.

So if your kid is a procrastinator, don’t worry–it’s not a character flaw, Nir emphasizes. Teens just need to learn to process whatever negative emotion they might be feeling. If they can get to the bottom of what’s keeping them productivity, they can begin to tackle the task at hand. In the episode, Nir talks more about how you can help teens deal with these deeper issues, instead of just placing restrictions on their tech use and hoping things will get better.

Why Teens Go Online When They’re Unhappy Offline

You might be wondering, what unpleasant feelings might be acting as internal triggers for my kid? Nir breaks down three main things kids need to be happy, and explains how they often look to the online landscape when they can’t get these things in real life.

The first thing kids need is to feel competent. Unfortunately, this feeling is hard for kids to achieve in our modern day school system, Nir says. Nowadays, kids are always being subjected to test after test, a process which tends to make them feel pretty incompetent. But when they’re on Minecraft building fantastical structures, winning a game of Super Smash Brothers or watching their Instagram post rake in the likes, they suddenly feel that competence they desire! If we want kids to stop seeking approval online, we need to make sure they’re getting it in real life, Nir says.

Teenagers also need autonomy, Nir explains, another thing they’re often not given nowadays. Teens are always being told where to go, how to dress, what to think, who they can and can’t talk to...the list goes on. When they go online, however, they’re able to do whatever they wish, basically unsupervised. They’re free to create, vent and explore! If teens felt as though they were able to have such freedom offline, they likely wouldn’t be so distracted by the online world.

Finally, Nir explains how teens need relatedness–they need to understand others and feel understood. Unfortunately, even before the pandemic, kids in today’s world were more isolated than ever before. Nir notes that kids were once free to run around and play together, but now their schedules are full with math classes and flute lessons instead. Kids need to be around each other, however, leading them to seek the companionship they need online.

In the episode, Nir and I discuss how you can mitigate these problems to create a child who has a healthy relationship with the internet. Once you teach kids to handle their emotions and get a grip on their internal triggers, they’ll be one step closer to defeating distraction. We’re not done. however. Nir’s got a few extra tips on what to do once you’ve got those internal triggers in the bag.

Other Tips To Tackle Distractions

A big part of avoiding distraction is time management. Nir emphasizes the idea of making time for “traction”...the opposite of “distraction!” This means structuring your time around achieving your goals and becoming the person you hope to be. A lot of time, we fall victim to distraction because we don’t harness and direct our energy in productive ways.

If we schedule our time, we can set aside moments for focus, as well as moments for fun. Nir emphasizes the importance of dedicating a separate block of time to play games or watch Netflix. If there’s forethought involved, kids can keep themselves from playing for hours. In addition, by being aware of when and how much they’ll play, teens keep themselves from getting distracted by thoughts of playing, Nir explains.

Nir talks about how another really important factor in focus is sleep! Technology often plays a part in keeping kids from getting all the rest they need at night. This can cause some serious physiological and mental health issues! Nir says it’s probably not a good idea for teens to have cellphones with them as they’re falling asleep, or to have TVs in their room–these things will keep them from peacefully slipping into their dreams.

In the episode, Nir talks furth...

Ep 119: Fresh Advice from Dad Jan 03, 2021

Marc Fienberg, author of Dad's Great Advice for Teens, helps us kick off the new year with some fresh advice for teens--and the best way to deliver it!

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There are so many things in life that teens, no matter their high school education, are not prepared for. Rarely are there standard courses on how to monitor our own technology use, balance friendships and relationships, and effectively resist drugs and alcohol. It falls on parents to deliver life advice. And with so much to cover it can be tricky to know where to start!

Moreover, it’s daunting to do: being the brunt of eye-rolls and bringing up sometimes awkward topics generally isn’t at the top of anyone’s to-do list! Parents know their teens will just tune out as soon as discussions get lecture-y and cliche.

Luckily, Marc Fienberg joins us this week to help with the issue of how best to dole out advice--and how to say it. Marc is the author of Dad's Great Advice for Teens: Stuff Every Teen Needs to Know About Parents, Friends, Social Media, Drinking, Dating, Relationships, and Finding Happiness. A father of four, Marc found when each kid became a tween/teen, there were certain pieces of advice he consistently wanted to impart. Significant age gap between his kids meant he had the chance to tweak and adapt his advice for each kid--and his teens let him know if his advice was any good!

In speaking with fellow parents and friends into account his own teens’ feedback, Marc has a wealth of knowledge on what advice is sound, what strategies work, and the best ways to deliver advice to your teen.

Speak From Experience

Marc’s key piece of insight on how best to deliver advice is to do what no one else can: speak from your own experience. There is perhaps nothing that perks up your teen’s ears more than hearing stories about their own parents’ (mis)adventures. (Bonus points if another grown adult they know is in your stories!). Marc notes that not only will you have your teen’s full attention, but using your own experiences will lift your story out of the realm of cliche and prevent eye-rolls.

Using your own experience has the added bonus of built in vulnerability, which Marc asserts is vital for a healthy teen-parent bond. Teens need to know it’s okay to “get it wrong”. Sharing times when you messed up or got hurt shows your teen no one is perfect--and that’s normal. When it comes to giving advice on romantic relationships, sharing your experience is particularly impactful for teens.

The teenage brain is wired to find new relationships incredibly rewarding. You may notice your teen sloughs off plans with family and friends to hang out with a love interest. Instead of lecturing generally on the importance of maintaining relationships, Marc suggests pointing out the relationships you have from your high school years that have lasted. It’s fairly rare that we keep in touch with the people we’ve dated in high school. But the friends we make in our teen years often last a lifetime--maybe you’ve even zoomed them recently!

This is not to say teens shouldn’t bother dating--Marc believes it is an important time for young people to put themselves out there and test the dating waters. Our role as parents is to help adolescents navigate the choppy seas of young love and keep everything in perspective.

Seeking Balance

One of the ways in which parents can help teens keep perspective is to push them to keep things balanced. Instead of accusing your teen of spending all their time with a new love, a better approach would be to try a relationship time-spent exercise. Whether you as the parent are in the right or not, is not the point: accuse your teen of something and they will immediately be on the defensive.

You can try making it a thought experiment by saying something like: “If you have 10 hours a week you can spend with everybody, what do you think is a good way to break that up?” Most teens inherently know that they shouldn’t be spending every waking moment with one person. However we all fall prey to obsession from time to time--the teen brain just more often than the adult brain! It may take a parent sharing their own experience with losing friends over a relationship to wake up the teen to the fact that relationships are a balance.

Similarly, teens can get sucked into their relationship with technology. And it’s a parents job to make sure they stay balanced in their relationship to social media/entertainment as well. Marc’s advice to avoid overdoing it with technology is to challenge your teens to balance consumption with creation.

Marc’s rule with his own four teens on technology use? One hour of content creation gets you two hours of consumption. Creation can be as simple as making TikToks or as complex as running a podcast. It’s the act of flexing those creating muscles that’s the important thing in Marc’s mind.

Additionally, Marc is adamant that we get our teens to balance the content they do post. Whatever our kids put on the internet is, in a large way, a part of their ‘brand’. Marc thinks it crucial to remind our teens that when they post content, it should be more than just them looking good. It can be so easy to get wrapped up in posting only pictures where we look beautiful, pretty, handsome, or sexy. Marc says parents should challenge teens to post things that show other facets of their personality. How can you share your other interests in pictures or videos?

In the Episode…

It was a blast to speak with Marc this week and hear his fresh advice and stories on raising teens. In addition to vulnerability and relationships (personal or otherwise), in our interview we cover:

What exactly to say when advising your teen on relationships
Why buying drugs for your teens might be the next-best approach
The power of going with our gut
How to help your teen (and yourself) tap into your gut
Why we should explicitly tell our teens not to make us happy

As Marc states, no kid is going to take all your advice, but delivering it in an engaging way, and surprising them with your vulnerability, will at least get them to listen for longer. Cheers to starting the new year off with an advice-giving refresh and to closer, more connected relationships for all!

Ep 118: Lying, Stealing, and Power Struggles Dec 27, 2020

Paul Podolsky, author of Raising a Thief, goes in depth on his journey raising a traumatized daughter. Paul describes how to spot the signs and tells us what parents can do to help troubled teens heal and transition into adulthood.

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With teens dangling somewhere between childhood and adulthood, it can be hard to negotiate control as a parent–control over how late they can stay out, how much time they spend doing their homework, how much junk food they eat. Although they’re not kids anymore, they likely still live under your roof, meaning things can sometimes get heated when it comes to setting the rules.

In certain cases, this battle over control can drive your kid to do some seriously bad stuff. When they feel powerless, they might turn to stealing, lying, and emotional manipulation to reclaim their sense of authority.

Today I’m talking to Paul Podolsky, author of Raising a Thief: a Memoir. Paul is here to talk about what happens when kids take their need for control too far. After he and his wife adopted a six month old child from Russia, they discovered that they were in for more than they bargained for. Paul has a lot to teach us about the psychology of control, and how to work through the power struggles you might be having with your kid.

By telling his own personal parenting story, Paul shines light on why teens sometimes feel powerless, what causes this troubling crisis of power in kids’ heads, and what you can do to gain back the control in your home.

Paul’s Powerful Story

When Paul’s daughter began stealing things from her Pre-K classroom, lying through her teeth and even exposing herself to other members of the class, Paul and his wife just weren’t sure what was going on. After adopting her at just six months old, they had provided her with a loving home and had raised her just like any other young girl...so why was she acting up so much? It turns out, the problems could be traced back to before the young girl was adopted.

Although Paul and his wife knew that their daughter had been through some rough times before being placed in an orphanage, they didn't know just how deeply affected she was. Because this trauma occurred for such a brief period of her life, and because she was now in a safe and stable home, Paul and his wife were certain that the psychological damage wouldn’t be so deep.

However, because her birth mother failed to feed or hold her, she developed a feeling of stress and instability that would lead to a lifetime of control issues. Because her trauma was created so early in her life and was so severe, it’s effects were irreversible. When she was nine, a doctor diagnosed her with reactive attachment disorder. Over the next few years, the problems became so intense that they had to place her in a specialized institution.

Although he’s been on a challenging journey, Paul is here to educate and share what he learned along the way. He wants parents to be aware of signs that their kid might have some deeper issues that need to be taken care of. In the episode, he talks further about his daughter’s troubling childhood, before dissecting just what is going on inside the heads of kids like her.

How Trauma Leads to Trouble

So why would a kid who’s experienced trauma want to steal, lie, and cause a ruckus? It goes beyond just a need for attention, Paul explains. When a kid takes something that isn’t theirs, they suddenly have control over the situation, of the item they’ve taken. When they lie and twist the narrative in their favor, they’re able to reclaim power. It’s about filling a void, says Paul.

Even if they’re only causing a small, inconsequential disruption, they’re able to feel powerful for a brief period of time. For many kids who’ve felt powerless or like they’ve been mistreated, causing trouble is a way for them to strike back at the world.

In the episode, Paul shares a story that demonstrates this unhealthy need for control. His family planned to go to the beach, with the ultimatum that his daughter had to finish her homework. Because his daughter had a fixation with control, she dawdled through her homework while her family waited, enjoying the power she held over them.

You may have found yourself in a similar situation, like when a kid just won't stop screaming until they get ice cream. Paul talked about how he didn't know what to do. If she kept them from going to the beach, she won. If he said, “forget the homework, let’s just go,” then she also won.

Paul reveals in the episode how he eventually put an end to the situation. It has a lot to do with remaining ambivalent, so as to restrict your child from gaining too much power over you.

Sound difficult? It is. Paul shares how he often struggles with it, and how you can take steps to make this process easier on yourself. In addition to ambivalence, Paul shares some other actions and preventative measures parents can take when kids become manipulative.

Parenting through the Problems

Dealing with kids who act this way is no easy task. Paul says that if these types of behaviors are occurring regularly and causing serious damage to your family, you shouldn’t be afraid to seek help. He recalls checking his daughter into an institution when things were getting far too difficult for he and his wife to handle alone, and how it was tough because it made him feel like a failure. However, when he realized she would be with professionals who knew how to help her, he was able to understand just how necessary it was.

Paul also recommends unity with your partner, if you have one. By binding together, the two of you create a stronger force. Manipulative kids might target one parent to try and pull you apart, creating a rift and weakening your power. But by listening to and valuing your partner’s opinions, and having their back in a tough spot, Paul believes you’ll be able to keep your family in better shape.

Another important thing Paul says to remember is to always be blunt with kids who act up. If you dilly dally around the point, you’ll create more of an opportunity for kids to make excuses or tell lies. Additionally, you’ve got to have kids meet you halfway, says Paul. If they’re not putting in the effort, then you have to show them that you won’t do it all for them. In the episode, Paul talks extensively about what he and his wife did on a daily basis to mitigate their daughters manipulative behaviors.

There’s so much to deal with, Paul expresses, and it’s ok to not always have a perfect day. No matter the kid, parenting is tough. All you can do is love unconditionally and work to make sure your kids are as happy and healthy as possible.

In the Episode…

We’re so glad to have Paul on today’s episode to share his story and give advice for what to do when kids struggle with control. In addition to the topics above, we talk about:

Why it can be hard for troubled kids to get accurate diagnoses
How to detect Reactive Attachment Disorder
How we can prevent these behaviors from developing in the first place
Why it can be very effective to present kids with choices
What Paul’s relationship is like with his daughter now that she’s in adulthood

While kids might act out when feeling powerless, there’s ways you can challenge their difficult b...

Ep 117: The Warrior Challenge For Kinder, More Courageous Teens Dec 20, 2020

John Beede, author of The Warrior Challenge, sheds light on how to help instill values of kindness, courage, and grit in our young people. Plus, how to approach masculinity in a healthy way that benefits everyone.

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Full show notes

When your kids have moved out and are facing the world every day on their own, you won’t be there to tell them how to act–they’ll have to rely on their values. As a parent, leaving your kid with principles to live by can be a critical part of raising decent, self sufficient individuals! If we can help kids prioritize kindness, respect, responsibility and honesty, we give them the key to a bright future.

But how do we teach values to our kids in a way that sticks? Even when we know what exactly we want to teach to them, how can we get them to listen? Teens might not want to hear your opinion, and even if they do, it can be difficult to really show them how positive values create a better life. When it really comes down to it, imparting the right principles on kids feels just about as hard as making it to the top of Mount Everest!

Luckily, today we’re talking to somebody who has made it to the top of Everest. He’s also been struck by lightning, swam with great white sharks, survived an attack from a five foot iguana...and has a lot of insight when it comes to raising resilient teens with strong values. His name is John Beede, and he’s the author of The Warrior Challenge: 8 Quests for Boys to Grow Up With Kindness, Courage and Grit.

John speaks to share how his character and values have allowed him to accomplish amazing things–and teach how teens that they can do the same. In our interview we’re talking about how teenagers can be more comfortable being vulnerable, shed toxic friendships in favor of healthy ones, and harness the power of grit to accomplish anything they set their minds to.

The Value of Vulnerability

It can be tough for anyone to talk about their feelings, especially young people and especially young men. In our society, there’s often a pervading mentality that we need to power through hard times on our own without accepting help. However, if we want to raise kids who can be happy and healthy on their own, John stresses how important it is to encourage kids to be vulnerable about their feelings–and value their own mental health

To demonstrate what he means, John shares a story in our interview about a deeply disturbing encounter he had while climbing Mount Everest. The incident left him with trauma, which he buried deep down in order to be “strong”. Over time, however, he began to feel haunted by the experience despite his repeated attempts to suppress it. In the episode, he shares the powerful moment that made him realize that it was time for him to seek some therapy.

Once he was able to get the help he needed, John realized how important it was to incorporate the value of vulnerability to his teachings. It takes a lot of courage, he says, but it can do wonders for teens to speak about how they feel. This can include sharing more of their emotions with friends and family or in a more serious case, speaking to a trained professional.

This idea can bleed into things like conflict resolution; if teens are able to express their feelings, they’ll be better off when it comes to things like setting boundaries. In the episode, John and I talk more about how teens can learn to express when they’re feeling sad, mad, or scared to create healthier relationships.

This isn’t all John has to say about how practicing the right values can lead to more fulfilling relationships, however. There’s lots more in the episode about ditching toxic friendships to make room for positive, gainful ones.

Cutting Ties to Toxic People

When it comes to helping your kid develop strong values, there’s a lot of power in who they align themselves with. If they surround themselves with those who lift them up and help them become their best selves, they’ll be able to take on the world with confidence in who they are and what they believe in.

In our interview, John shares the three part checklist every teen should use when deciding whether or not to allow someone into their inner circle. This includes picking people who push them to reach their full potential, making sure friends have their back through thick and thin, and rejecting anyone who doesn’t respect whatever boundaries your teen chooses to set.

John also speaks extensively on how teens can detect and eject toxic individuals from their lives to create a happier existence. To do this, John suggests teens embark on some personal reflection to consider how friends or significant others make them feel. Does your teen feel like they’ve changed for the worse as a result of being friends with this person? Is your teen no longer interested in things they used to love since they began allowing this person to take up significant amounts of time in their life?

When teens are able to ask these questions, they can make progress towards surrounding themselves only with people who make them feel great. And when they feel great, they’ll become stronger, more capable people–people who embody John’s definition of grit.

What “Grit” Really Means

The word “grit” appears in the title of John’s book, so it’s clearly an important value he hopes to impart on the youth. However, when it comes to defining what grit actually means, John’s opinion differs from some. While others might see it as continuously (and stubbornly) pursuing the same method until they succeed at the task at hand, John believes grit comes down thinking outside the box and stepping outside of what’s comfortable.

As Einstein once said, repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity! Instead, John says grit comes down to knowing when it's time to switch things up and try something new. If you’ve been trying to confront your teen about a specific topic to no avail, it might be time to go to a teacher, therapist, or other mentor. If your teen is struggling to pass their history class, don’t give up! Maybe there’s a tutor or an online resource out there for them you may not be considering.

John explains that another valuable component of grit is remaining present. It’s so easy to backtrack and waste energy thinking about the past or analyzing the future, but if your teen really wants to battle their demons and accomplish their wildest dreams, they’ll have to first take on what’s right in front of them.

In our interview, John shares some stories from real life heroes who exemplified the true meaning of grit to embrace seemingly insurmountable odds and come out on top. When it comes to values, teens might not know who they are yet. By listening to positive voices like John’s (and their parents, of course), they can become stronger individuals who live by their own principles.

In the episode…

John’s brilliant, adventurous spirit shines through this week as he shares his advice for imparting values on teens. On top of the ideas mentioned above, we discuss

Why it’s important to talk to teens about pornography
How you can help your teen develop “infinity muscles”
What to do when teens express toxic masculinity
Why it’s valuable for teens to have role ...

Ep 116: Time Management for More Focused Teens Dec 13, 2020

Leslie Josel, author of How To Do It Now Because It’s Not Going Away and global time management expert, shares her passion for planners, productivity, and practicing. Find out the tricks for helping teens get more homework done (on time) and retain more information!

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Full show notes

When kids are tired from a long day of classes and basketball practice and it’s time to get cracking on some calculus, their gaze might drift from the textbook to their Instagram feed for an hour...or two hours...and then maybe they’ll watch a little Netflix, text their friends, make a TikTok...before they know it, it’s 10 p.m. and they haven’t even started!

Procrastination can get the better of all of us occasionally, let’s be honest–but for students, it can often become a damaging habit that holds them back from getting the grades they hope for or finishing a college app on time. When it comes down to it, procrastination can often take hold of a teen’s time and simply not let go.

To help kids battle their inner procrastinator and become time management experts, we’re talking with Leslie Josel, author of How to Do it Now Because it's Not Going Away: An Expert Guide to Getting Stuff Done. Leslie has been working with teens and college students for almost twenty years to help them untangle their lives from the sticky web of procrastination and create order from their own personal chaos.

In our interview, she’s giving you tons of tips to guide your teen towards living a more organized life. We’re chatting about how teens can tackle time management, what kids can learn about their habits by doing some self reflection, and how we can give students some control over their learning process to get them more excited about their education.

Teaching Teens Time Management

Leslie is seriously passionate about time management, and she’s got some innovative solutions to your teen’s procrastination problem. During our interview, she proposed a unique tool to help kids keep track of time, a tool they might not be familiar with: an analog clock. That’s right, a clock that ticks every second, with hands that move. You know, from the old days!

She insists that analog clocks serve an important overall purpose: visualizing and externalizing time. What in the world does that mean, you ask? It means using objects and divides to get a sense of the passing of time. This includes a calendar, a timer, a planner–and yes, an analog clock– things that remind teens exactly where in time we are. When teenagers place themselves on a timeline, they can better estimate how long it will take to complete a given task.

By using devices to externalize time, teens can give their daily tasks a beginning, middle and end, allowing them to effectively judge how much time they need to spend on this and when they’ll need to be done with that. Instead of just floating unmoored in the hours, they’ll be able to know where they need to direct their energy.

This comes into play when setting rules for kids about what they need to get done. Telling a kid to work on their homework for twenty minutes before sitting down to dinner is going to be a lot more comprehensible than asking them to finish their assignment, Leslie says. In the episode, she breaks down other ways we can help kids stay in control of their time, instead of letting time control them.

Helping Teens Understand Their Habits

For teens to master time management, they first need to identify where and when procrastination seems to take its toll. If they can take some time to consider their daily habits, they’ll be able to find where they’re going wrong and solve their productivity problems.

Leslie encourages teens to map out their time usage in a day on a piece of paper or digital document. This gives them the chance to identify where in the day they are losing time to procrastination, when exactly they are most productive, and what they can do to improve their overall time management.

This activity pushes your kids to confront themselves so that you don’t have to! Instead of telling them that they waste too much time, encourage them to record their own data about their habits–they’ll be able to see their procrastination on the paper in front of them! It can be a thought provoking and even fun experience for them to reflect on how they live and how they can maximize their productivity from day to day.

Leslie says that if kids do realize they have serious time management problems, they often explain their behavior as a self fulfilling prophecy. They think that poor time management is “just the way they work” or simply describe themselves as “lazy”. In the episode, Leslie talks about how we can help kids change their attitudes to shift their self image and become the productive people they were meant to be.

Once teens get to the bottom of their procrastination problems, they’ll be able to manage their time more effectively...but how can we help them go even one step further? By finding the study methods that grant them the most effective learning experience.

Discovering the Right Study Habits

When we look at the research, we find that the most common source of disagreement and discord among teens and their parents is homework. All teens have to do it, but not all teens study the same way–creating a lot of tension between teens who are fed up with what’s expected and parents who just want to see students successful.

Leslie says what teens need to do is discover their own personal studying preferences. Some students do their best work at a coffee shop, surrounded by crowds of talking people. Others prefer to listen to rock music as they solve equations, or, as Leslie hilariously mentions in an anecdote in the episode, sit in the bathtub! When students understand what works best for them, their productivity will get a boost.

There are also lots of other small ways Leslie says kids can become better learners. Incorporating physical activity into the long hours of hitting the books helps improve retention of material. Reviewing things about a half hour before bedtime is also a proven method to help info stick in teens’ brains. Incorporating variation into study habits keeps things exciting and has been shown to be effective at helping teens remember facts and figures.

In the episode, Leslie talks about why she personally objects to the term “studying”, saying we should instead opt for the word “practice”. She believes it’s more active, more energetic, and more interesting than “studying”, and helps kids see studying as something to be desired in the same way they might practice soccer, guitar or dancing. We discuss this in more depth in the interview.

In the Episode…

Leslie was such a joy to interview this week, and her ideas about teenage productivity are so helpful to parents everywhere. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we cover:

Why teens procrastinate more than adults
The value planners add to teens’ lives
Why we need to change our overall approach to homework
The silver linings of distance learning.

While procrastination might feel inevitable, Leslie’s advice is here to guide your teen towards reaching their highest level of productivity. See you next week!

Ep 115: Beating Substance Abuse and Addiction Dec 06, 2020

Richard Capriola, author of The Addicted Child and a seasoned addiction counselor, gives us the details on vaping, marijuana use, and drug abuse in teens. Together Andy and Richard go in depth on what to do if you suspect substance abuse and how to start a successful recovery.

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Full show notes

As more states legalize marijuana and vape companies continue to pander to young people with “fun” flavors, there’s an increased risk that your teen might do some experimenting. But while adults might be able to experiment and handle it, teens, with their still-developing brains, are much more likely to get addicted.

Widespread availability plus technology makes clandestine access to alcohol and drugs easier than ever. Recent research shows that illicit drug use is starting younger and younger–current stats show kids starting as early as age 14! Kids these days are more susceptible than ever to potential substance abuse that can have serious, long lasting effects on their brains and bodies.

That’s why this week, we’re talking to Richard Capriola, author of The Addicted Child: the Parents Guide to Adolescent Substance Abuse. Richard has worked with families for over twenty years to guide struggling adolescents towards recovery from debilitating psychological and substance related conditions. His mission is to rescue kids from the depths of drug addiction and bring them back to a healthy, happy way of life.

In our interview, Richard shares what he thinks every parent should know about the realities of adolescent addiction. He explains how you can identify possible substance abuse in your teen or a teen you may know, how you can react without worsening the problem, and what steps you can take to create a plan for recovery.

Spotting Substance Abuse in An Adolescent

It can be really scary to think your teen might be suffering with substance abuse that you’re not aware of...so how can you determine if you should be worried? To help ease your anxiety, Richard outlines some potential warning signs in the episode.

To start, he encourages paying close attention to your teen’s behaviors, and monitoring for any significant or concerning changes. Does your teenager suddenly seem disinterested in things they used to enjoy? Have they suddenly become secretive about who they're hanging out with? Have their grades dropped or have they stopped caring about their appearance?

If you notice anything of this nature, Richard says your teen might be dealing with something serious. It could be a psychological issue, a substance abuse issue, or both–Richard tells us the two very often go hand in hand.

To be pre-emptive, Richard champions the idea of starting a channel of communication with your teen before they reach adolescence. If you can give your teen the ability to trust you and come to you when they’re feeling stressed, they’re more likely to key you in if they’re developing a substance abuse issue. Hopefully they’ll feel comfortable enough to talk through their emotions with you before they even begin engaging with these substances in the first place, preventing the problem altogether. Richard and I discuss specific ways you can work on building trust in the episode.

So you’ve noticed a teenager is behaving a little differently...and you discover that they’ve been, say, popping prescription pills all day long. What the heck do you do now? How do you reach out without alienating them or making them feel attacked?

Talking to your Teen About the Issue

It’s definitely not easy to approach a struggling teen, especially one that might be in denial about having an issue. They might be defensive or angry, or give you an attitude. It can also seem to them that you’re only trying to guilt or shame them instead of help them.

Richard advises against jumping any conclusions--just because your teen has been out past curfew all week and seems to be asking you for more money lately doesn’t mean they’re hooked on crack. He recommends having a comprehensive list of concerning behaviors that they’ve been exhibiting, in order to illustrate your concern. Why have they been avoiding your questions about their whereabouts? Why have they suddenly begun sleeping until 1 P.M.?

What’s important is that they know you are concerned with their well being above all else, says Richard. When you’re asserting that their behavior is unacceptable, you’re doing so because you believe that it’s unacceptable for them to treat themselves so poorly!

One thing Richard has always incorporated in his work is education; by teaching kids what drugs do to their brains, you can help them understand why their substance abuse is a legitimate problem. When you show them a diagram of a brain and explain the ways taking adderall three times a day causes serious physical damage to their neural landscape, they begin to comprehend the gravity of the problem.

In the episode, Richard and I talk further about how you can have productive, constructive discussions with a teen whom you suspect might be struggling with substance abuse. Once you’ve had this important heart-to-heart, it’s time to put together a plan to help the teen progress past this problem.

Making a Map to Recovery

Overcoming a drug addiction is incredibly challenging for anyone, especially teenagers who might be overwhelmed with life or unsure how to make better choices for themselves. Although the road to recovery is potentially lengthy and filled with road blocks, it’s far from impossible! In our interview, Richard outlines the steps you can take to help your teen get back on a positive path.

An important first step, Richard says, is setting up a comprehensive assessment of your teen’s health: that includes the physical and the psychological! One of the things Richard emphasizes in our interview is that if a teen is addicted to a substance, there is almost always an underlying psychological cause. It might be anxiety, PTSD, depression...whatever it is, it’s just as important to deal with than the addiction at hand.

During the treatment process, Richard believes that it’s always important to remain positive rather than punitive. When kids relapse or fail to meet the standards we set for their recovery, it can be tempting to punish them or impose restrictions. However, Richard urges parents not to discount the positive–rewarding teens can be incredibly powerful! He and I get into specifics about when and how we should reward kids when they make progress.

All teenagers are different, and are going to need help in unique ways. Some kids might need immediate medical help and hospitalization, Richard says, while others should set up a meeting with a local counselor. In the episode, Richard dives deeper into how we can assess what a specific teen needs to fight addiction.

In the Episode...

My interview with Richard encompasses a wide range of topics, discussing everything from why someone might do bath salts to the effects of respiratory particles on cognition. In addition to how addiction can be spotted and treated, we discuss:

What to do when a teen resists getting help
How to prevent kids from selling their prescription medication
Why “inhalants” are used by younger teens
How you can find the right counselor fo...

Ep 114: What Teens Can Do Now To Prepare For College Nov 29, 2020

Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before They Go, shares key insights on how to best prepare for college. Whether your teen is a senior or seventh grader, Dr. Ellis has tips for how to catch up and how to get ahead.

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Full show notes

For parents and students alike, the road to college can be full of twists, turns and unpredictable roadblocks...it sometimes feels like you’ll never cross the finish line! It might feel as though getting into top schools is practically impossible, especially when trying to get in means endless extracurriculars, community service, SATs, GPA–the list of requirements and considerations goes on and on.

For students, the only thing worse than this insane workload is the possibility of not even getting in! For parents, it’s heartbreaking to know how much stress and pressure your kid is under. It can be excruciating to wait and wonder if they'll get accepted to the school of their dreams or be forced to reevaluate their life in the wake of rejection.

Although it may seem like it’s all too overwhelming to handle, don’t fear! We’re here to help out. There are small steps you and your teen can take to prepare for the college application process, whether they're finishing up seventh grade or heading into their junior year, a struggling student or top of their class. If you can develop a greater understanding of the whole process, you’ll be better equipped to set your student up for success.

Our guest today is Pamela Ellis, a.k.a, “ The Education Doctor”, author of What to Know Before They Go. Dr. Ellis has worked with thousands of teens and families to help students choose the right colleges and gain admission. She’s an expert on helping teens cope with the thousands of stressors of college admissions, with strategies covering everything from scholarship qualifications to everyday time management.

In the interview, Pamela and I discuss how teens can prioritize their responsibilities, why they should challenge themselves in small ways to expand their comfort zones, and what they can do to organize their lives during this stressful and confusing period.

How Prioritizing Leads to Productivity

Being a teen on the road to college means balancing extracurriculars and grades, writing essays, getting letters of recommendation, acing your ACTs and balancing a budget. There’s no shortage of tasks and not nearly enough time...so how can your teen get it all done?

Pamela suggests that teens narrow their focus. She and I discuss how valuable it can be to simply hone in on a few important tasks when you only have a limited amount of time. By sticking to a few specific goals instead of running around trying to solve every problem, Pamela believes teens can manage admissions stress and come out on top.

In the episode, Pamela and I talk about how these goals should differ for kids of ages. Those finishing up sophomore year are going to need very different guidance than those beginning their prepping to become seniors. For example, Pamela explains in our interview how she believes 9th graders aren’t quite ready to whip up a list of prospective colleges yet, and should perhaps extend their focus towards making dependable friends instead!

Getting into college doesn’t just require great planning, however. Teens also have to stand out to tired admissions officers shuffling through thousands of applications. To do so, they’re going to have to challenge themselves to go above and beyond.

Pushing Teens to Reach Their Potential

Trying to stand out on an application can be one of the most stressful things about the entire admissions process. Millions of kids across the world send in applications, vying for a few prized spots at prestigious universities. It’s not always easy to look perfect on paper, especially when competition is so intense.

Pamela’s advice to teens and parents is to take advantage of every opportunity. Kids might shy away from taking harder classes or joining clubs, but by pushing themselves to shoot for the stars, kids can achieve more than they think. Pamela believes that students shouldn’t hold back when it comes to taking that extra leap out of their comfort zone–it could make all the difference when it comes to admissions!

Don’t think your kid is really capable of acing AP Spanish? That’s ok too. Pamela says it’s important to assess where kids are at and encourage them to move at their own pace, remaining true to themselves. If Spanish isn’t their best subject, maybe root for them to perform even better in English this year, especially if they plan to apply to journalism or literature programs.

By pushing themselves, they’ll not only look better on paper, but more confident. By tackling challenges they didn’t think they could handle, they’ll learn that that they’re capable of more than they ever dreamed–a lesson they’ll take with them as they continue into adulthood.

In the episode, Pamela and I discuss how you can guide your teen towards striving for success. When looking to the future to figure out what’s possible for your teen, it can also be helpful to look back to the past–and do some collecting, documenting and organizing.

Tracking your Teen’s Progress

When your teen is trying to gather all their achievements and accolades to make their application pop, they’re going to wish they had kept a catalog. If your teen still has a few years to go before those applications are due, now might be a good time to start keeping track of things that could give your teen that extra edge.

This doesn’t include their certificate for athlete of the year. It can also include their best essays, a log of volunteer hours, a list of extracurricular activities they’ve participated in. Collecting these things in one place allows them to have all their information at their fingertips. It also helps teens develop a mindset of collecting and recording things, something they’ll need later down the line when they’re preparing a resume or applying for a bank loan. The sooner they start flexing that muscle, the better.

Additionally, keeping a record of how much time and effort they spend on different activities can help teens reflect on their own priorities and time management. If a teen looks back at their log from freshman year to see that they spent much more time in the art building than they did in the library, they might have to ask themselves: is art what I want to focus on? By examining their own behaviors and patterns, they can head into future endeavors with a better understanding of their own ambitions as well as their tendencies.

In Pamela’s eyes, the most important thing is that kids are able to perform at their best, and have the college experience of their dreams. By following her advice, we can help ourselves and our kids handle all the throes of applying to college and make it to the other side.

In the Episode…

Pamela and I touch on a wide range of topics, answering all your burning questions about the admissions process. In addition to the topics above, we discuss…

Why it’s important for kids to read for pleasure
How kids can get the most out of summer vacation
Why kids catch a “sophomore slump”
What kids can do to make the most of a college fair

If you like li...

Ep 113: What Top Athletes Can Teach Us About Teen Success Nov 22, 2020

Jeremy Bhandari, author of Trust the Grind, interviewed the world’s most elite athletes to figure out what young people can do to be just as successful in their own pursuits.

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Full show notes

You know your teen is capable of more than binging Netflix, but helping teens sort out their own goals and motivate them to take action is hard work! Kids these days encounter distractions at every turn, and are constantly bombarded with images and videos of others who are better dancers, athletes, make-up artists, singers, comedians, (etc!) than your teen. Teens might feel like it’s no use even trying to catch up with the top talent today.

Although it may seem impossible to empower a teen that just doesn’t want to try, today, we're speaking with a guest who’s interviewed top athletes to deduce what teens can do to achieve personal success--and what parents can do to help.

I’m sitting down with Jeremy Bhandari, author of Trust the Grind: How World-Class Athletes Got to the Top. As a lifelong sports fanatic, Jeremy decided to talk to some of his favorite athletes to uncover their secrets to success, work ethic, and most importantly, happiness. He learned some seriously powerful lessons about how young people can thrive in any avenue they choose to pursue--and he’s here to share those lessons with you.

In our insightful interview, Jeremy and I talk about how some of sports’ biggest stars achieved their wildest dreams. He explains how your teen can do anything they dream of, so long as they receive encouragement, remain in the right headspace, and are constantly challenged to reach their full potential.

Cheer For Your Kid Until They Reach the Finish Line

As a parent, you want to see your child successful and happy….which is why you might not always support their off-the-wall ambitions. It can be difficult to get behind your kid’s lofty goals of winning an Oscar or becoming the next president of the United States when you know they might face some disappointment when they fall short.

The truth is, you’re not alone there. Even the parents of world famous athletes have been known to be doubtful of their kid’s dreams. Jeremy and I discuss his interview with Gary Player, one of the world’s most successful golfers, and how parental disapproval almost derailed a legendary career. Gary struggled to get his father’s support when he decided to play golf around the world instead of going to college. Without his father’s help, Gary struggled financially, unable to buy golf clubs to pursue his true passion.

However, Gary’s dad eventually came around, even deciding to take out a loan himself to finance Gary’s new clubs. To this day, Gary cites his father’s support as a major reason for his success. Without his parents behind him, Gary may very well have failed to become the brilliant golfer he was destined to become. Jeremy says one of things he found to be consistent among many of the athletes he interviewed was how much they benefited from having supportive parents or adults to cheer them on in their youth.

As Jeremy and I talk further on this idea, he emphasizes how empowering kids to believe in themselves can be essential to their success as an adult. Whether your teen strives to run Wall Street or sell out Madison Square Garden, they’re not likely to get too far without some support from you.

In the episode, we dive deeper into the idea of encouragement, and how we can use positive reinforcement to help kids understand how hard work pays off. When it comes to helping your kid get their mind in the right spot, Jeremy has some further advice to bring out the high achiever hiding inside.

Challenging Kids To Be Their Best

Beyond just providing positive reinforcement, Jeremy discusses the importance of challenging your kids to go above and beyond what they believe themselves to be capable of. While praising them can have amazing results, it can also be powerful to remind them that they can always improve, and continue to strive for further greatness.

Jeremy shares a story from his interview with Andruw Jones, a talented athlete who played major league baseball for 17 seasons. Jones grew up with a father who was constantly challenging him, asking him how many push ups he could do, how high he could jump, or how deep he could dive into the ocean. Jones told Jeremy that constantly being challenged taught him that there was always room to grow, and molded him into someone who continues to shoot for the moon.

Frequently encouraging kids to go above and beyond helps meld their meld to reflect an attitude of perseverance. Athletes work out their muscles to become stronger, faster, and more efficient, but Jeremy talks about how exercising one’s mind is just as important. If you’re constantly pushing your teen to believe they are capable of greatness, you can help them become the super star they were always meant to be.

In the episode, Jeremy and I expand on this idea, chatting about how we should encourage teens to associate with friends and teammates who push them to always be improving. We also get into a deeper discussion on how important a teen’s mental landscape is to their ambition and productivity.

Why the Mindset Matters

Almost everyone Jeremy interviewed for his book had something to say about the importance one’s mentality plays in achieving greatness. Whether it’s knowing how to handle anxiety in stressful situations or grappling with discouragement in the aftermath of failure, Jeremy says one’s mindset is the key to staying afloat when the going gets tough.

When your teen is in a tough spot, and thinks that they aren’t capable of passing a math test or winning the talent show, Jeremy suggests reminding them that nothing good comes easy. It’s totally normal to struggle, get knocked down, and come up short. What matters is that teens keep trying. Everyone from Elon Musk to Albert Einstein faced failure before changing the world. No one gets it right all the time, especially when they’re just starting out.

Jeremy also touches on how easy it is for teenagers to blow situations out of proportion and make mountains out of molehills. Even though they may think that failing their driving test is the end of the world, it can do wonders to simply remind them to stay calm and try again in a few months. By helping them maintain a positive attitude of perseverance, you can keep them on the track to success.

Unfortunately, teens these days are also often sucked into a dangerous mental habit: comparing themselves to others on social media. There’s millions of people online for teens to compare themselves with at any moment, often causing them to feel inferior or incapable. In the episode, Jeremy and I discuss how we can help teens avoid falling into this harmful trap, and instead empower them to wake up everyday and love themselves.

In the Episode...

Jeremy and I chat about his interviews with a variety of different athletes from a diverse range of disciplines, each one with a unique perspective on life. In addition to the ideas mentioned above, we cover:

Why it’s essential for teens to define their goals
How eating healthy and exercising can truly change your teen’s life
What teens should look for in a friend
How we can instill hard work in o...

Ep 112: Consequences of Your Teen’s Digital Footprint Nov 15, 2020

Leah Plunkett, author of Sharenthood, joins Andy for a discussion on the consequences and benefits of our teens’ extensive digital footprint. We leave more data behind us than we think--who is using it and for what purposes?

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Full show notes

It’s not always easy to know what to share about your kids online. You might want to celebrate how cute they look in a Winnie the Pooh Halloween costume by posting a picture on Instagram, or share your grievances on Facebook when they just won’t stop wetting the bed. When you decide to snap that pic or type that post however, you might be doing more damage to your kid’s future and reputation than you realize.

Today we’re talking about how, even when parents have the best intentions, they may submit their kids to certain risks by posting information online. So much of your information can be found and used online in ways that can be harmful to your children, ways you might not even expect. Although social media can be a great place to share and socialize with friends and family, extra vigilance about your kid’s internet presence is becoming more and more necessary as it becomes cheaper and easier for companies and individuals to collect your data.

In this episode, we’re sitting down with Leah Plunkett, author of Sharenthood: Why We Should Think Before We Talk about Our Kids Online. Leah serves as a Faculty Affiliate at the Berkman Klein Center for Internet and Society at Harvard University, and is a leading expert on digital privacy and data collection, especially among young folks. Leah’s expertise on digital media, privacy, and adolescence make for an eye-opening interview about how you can guide yourself and your kids towards more responsible, literate use of the online landscape.

Leah and I discuss a broad range of topics, covering everything from why your kids might be affected by your seemingly innocuous Facebook posts, what information is at risk of being collected and exploited from your online activity, and whether or not parents should consider implementing surveillance technology to spy on their teen’s internet behavior.

Why You Should Watch What You Share

As a parent, it can be really rewarding to log on and share what your kids are up to; it gives you the chance to chat with other parents and include your friends and family in your child’s growth! However, there are some things Leah says you might want to be aware of before you hit post...because when something goes online there’s a chance that it can never truly be erased.

For starters, posting a picture of your kid with frosting all over their face and down their shirt might seem pretty cute to you, but could potentially embarrass them down the line. Although this may not seem super obvious when kids are still young, bullies can emerge as your kid reaches adolescence, bullies who might be on the prowl for images and facts about your teen that can be used to humiliate them. Leah suggests taking some time to think about how what you post might come around to bite your kid in the butt in a few years.

There are also some frightening figures online who can use information about your kids for nefarious purposes. By sharing data about a kid’s whereabouts, their likes and dislikes, what they fear or where they hang out, you may be submitting that information to dangerous folks who lurk on the internet. Now, this doesn’t mean you should immediately sound the alarm and remove every trace of your kid’s existence from Facebook, but there are some ways you can moderate your posts to ensure your kid is safe from these internet predators. Leah and I talk more about this in the episode.

The bottom line is that kids are generally too young to consent to being posted about and shared on the web, so Leah says it’s important to take some serious caution about how and where they are portrayed. While you may only have the best intentions, there are always ways your kid’s data could be used to harm them. This goes beyond just cyberbullying or internet predators, with big tech likely collecting huge amounts of data on you and your kids in recent times and using it for all sorts of purposes.

The Dark Truth About Data Collection

You may have heard that companies like Facebook and Google could be collecting some of your data and using it to give you personalized content or targeted ads--but are you aware of just how much data all sorts of companies are gathering about you and your family?

Leah dives into just how much information companies are collecting, and how they’re using it. Surprisingly, companies can collect data from things as seemingly innocent as the learning software that your kids use at school, or games they download and play on their phones. Frustratingly, there is not a cohesive location, method or protocol for people to find out how their data is being used.

By collecting data about kids online tendencies, attitudes, and habits, companies are able to understand how your child thinks and behaves. This information can then be used in decisions about whether to hire them or grant them admission to college when they grow up. There are hiring companies that harness and combine all of this data to know how well an individual will perform as an employee. When faced with a large pool of applicants, businesses can pay to find out who is the best candidate for the job, and who can be disqualified.

Although this might worry you, don’t fret. Leah and I discuss possible solutions to this issue in the episode, talking about specific ways companies can become more accountable in the future for the spread of your data. You might also be wondering, however, how you can talk to your teen about all this, and if you should step in to monitor their online activity. Luckily, Leah’s got some answers for you.

Why Surveilling Your Child Might Not Be The Answer

When you become aware of just how much data about your kid is up for collection, it can be tempting to install software that controls what media your kid engages with and how much time they spend browsing the web. However, Leah recommends refraining from doing so, as this teaches them a damaging lesson--that surveillance is a natural part of interacting with the online space.

Instead, Leah suggests having open and value-based discussions with them about media literacy and their media usage. Although you might feel nervous or unsure about how to approach them about these ideas, Leash stresses how essential these talks can be. She and I chat more in the episode about specific ways you can initiate this kind of discussion and methods you can use to guide your teen away from potentially risky internet behavior.

According to Leah, the important thing is making sure your kids have the agency and the ability to make their own judgments about what’s safe and what’s not. When it comes down to it, that’s what matters most about helping keep our kids safe online. We want them to grow up independent and free to follow their chosen path in life, without data collection or negative online forces getting in the way. By making sure our kids can protect themselves, we give them the gift of a safe future.

In the Episode…

It was very eye-opening to chat with Leah this week about the many dangers kids face online. On top of the topics mentioned above, we talk about:

<...

Ep 111: Want Accountable Teens? Ask the Right Questions Nov 08, 2020

John G. Miller, author of five books including Raising Accountable Kids and QBQ!, shares his expertise on how to get your teenager to be responsible for their own actions. Plus, the ultimate question to ask when it feels like nothing is working.

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Full show notes

When your kids are refusing to listen, staying out past curfew and ignoring your repeated attempts to establish control, some serious questions come to mind. Questions like: When will they start respecting me? How can I get them to listen to me? What is it that causes them to act this way?

As frustrated as you may feel--and we know, teens can be frustrating--it turns out that you might be asking yourself the wrong questions. Even when it feels like your kid is single-handedly instigating disagreements and causing turmoil, there is a more effective approach than simply imploring them to end this behavior, an approach that requires you to reflect on your own actions.

What is that approach, exactly? Glad you asked. This week I’m sitting down with John G. Miller, author of the classic book QBQ!: The Question Behind the Question and the recent Raising Accountable Kids: How to Be an Outstanding Parent Using the Power of Personal Accountability. John has been speaking and teaching workshops on leadership and management for over twenty years and is also the father of 7 kids! He’s here to share what he’s learned from years of mentoring clients and raising kids, and talk all about how you can practice accountability to become a better parent.

In our interview, John covers the basics of the principle of accountability, and the questions you should be asking yourself if you want to improve your parenting powers. He also identifies the qualities that, in his eyes, make a weak parent, and how you can strengthen your approach to ensure your kids become the best people they can be.

How To Practice Accountability

Although you may be familiar with the term ‘accountability’, John clears up what he means when he uses the word and how his definition can be harnessed to create a more fulfilling life. In defining accountability, John seeks to define the opposite first. He focuses on three behaviors--victim thinking, blaming others, and procrastination. People tend to embody these traits when they reject accountability. They ask, why can’t others behave the way I want them to? When will people start doing what I need them to do?

Instead of engaging in this type of thinking, John encourages you to do the contrary. He asks you to stop focusing on outward factors and instead focus your energies inward. His approach endorses asking questions about how you, yourself can improve your situation, instead of relying on others. In John’s eyes, accountability is not just about keeping others in check, it’s about reflecting on your personal behaviors and practices to see where you can make positive changes.

This is especially true for leaders, managers, educators, and for our purposes, parents. Being an authority figure that emphasizes accountability means holding yourself to high standards, and modeling responsible behavior for those who are watching you. In the episode, John dives deeper into the importance of accountability in leadership. Specifically, he talks about how parents can use accountability to create stronger relationships with their teens

Parenting with Accountability

When it comes to parenting, John talks about how practicing accountability can be a game changer. He shares an anecdote about a woman he got to know through his work, a woman who found herself bickering with her daughter day after day. The woman had repeatedly implored her daughter to change her behavior, but their relationship had only gotten worse.

It wasn’t until the woman worked with John to grasp the idea of accountability that things got better. She decided to ask her daughter how she could be a better mother, which allowed her daughter to express the various ways she had felt disrespected or held back by their relationship. The two established a dialogue, and through this channel of communication, they were able to mend their broken relationship.

This idea of mutual communication and respect--enabled by accountability--is central to John’s work. He believes that if we ask ourselves what we can do to create compromise, instead of yelling or relying on punitive measures, we can become better parents and build stronger bonds with our teens. In the episode, John gets into this idea further, even sharing a personal story about when he and his son faced a critical disagreement over his son’s path in life.

Although John speaks to the importance of listening, he also believes parenting is a very complicated, multifaceted endeavor. While patience and understanding matter, there’s another important practice that he believes should be implemented--discipline.

How Accountability Relates to Discipline

In order to be an accountable parent, John stresses the importance of understanding that your child’s behavior is a reflection of your own parenting. He dispels the notion of blaming your teens issues on current political leaders, the media, or the people they hang out with, and instead implores the parent to focus on how they’ve shaped their child’s behavior.

A lot of this comes down to making sure you discipline your child effectively, says John. He believes there’s been a general trend of parents who are afraid of disciplining kids in recent years. This leads to parents continually allowing their kids to misbehave. When parents don’t step in to stop bad behavior early on, they allow it to become a pattern. John stresses that parents should be quick to act on attitudes they don’t approve of, and be unafraid to talk to their kids about how and why certain behaviors are not appropriate or acceptable.

For example, parents often find themselves in a situation where the success of their teen is more important to them than it is to the teen themselves. For example, a parent might be spending a lot of time worrying about their child’s academic success, while their child is more concerned with beating their high score on Mario Kart. John expresses the importance of holding yourself accountable for this behavior as a parent, and teaching your teen what happens when they don’t take their responsibilities seriously. If they’re going to get an F for not turning in work they haven’t done, don’t do the work for them--allow them to get an F, and understand what it means to fail.

In the end, if you want your child to be a functional, thriving, positive force in the world, John believes you are also accountable for modeling that same behavior. He expresses his belief that humility is the cornerstone of leadership, and by constantly reflecting on how you can be a better individual and a more effective parent, you will be able to raise a happier, more intelligent teen.

In the Episode…

John's spirited and humorous character shines through in this very entertaining and interesting episode! He’s got a lot to tell us about, and this episode is jam packed with advice until the very end. In addition to the ideas discussed above, we also talk about:

How changing our thinking can change our reality

Ep 110: Hidden Depression in Perfectionists Nov 01, 2020

Dr. Margaret Rutherford, author of Perfectly Hidden Depression and psychologist, chats with Andy about the symptoms--some intuitive and some counterintuitive--of depression. According to Dr. Rutherford many young people hide feelings of depression behind a constant state of achieving.

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Full show notes

We know our teenagers better than anybody else, so we’d definitely know when they were feeling depressed...right? The basic symptoms of a depressed person are recognizable---withdrawing from social activities, no longer participating in things they used to enjoy, changes in dress and diet. If we saw that our teen exhibited these symptoms or noticed that they seemed anxious or unenthusiastic about life, we’d definitely know something was up.

But what about a teen who’s depression isn’t quite so easily spotted? What if your teen seemed to be doing perfectly--class president, varsity soccer team, prom queen--but deep down, they were hiding a seriously crippling mental health crisis? Teenagers like this exist, and in fact this kind of depression is a lot more common than you might think.

To shed some light on this subject, we’re sitting down with Dr. Margaret Rutherford, author of Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free From the Perfectionism that Masks your Depression. The book is all about how some people experience depression in a way we may not think of as “traditional” or” conventional”. These people seem as though they’ve got everything together on the surface, but inside, a deep depression is stirring.

Dr. Rutherford began to notice this kind of depression in patients in her 25+ years as a therapist. Patients would come in for other conditions, like eating disorders or insomnia, and were surprised at the suggestion that perhaps they may be suffering from depression. These patients would insist that their life was going well, when it was time to discuss the serious traumas they’ve faced, they smiled through it as though there was no pain at all.

That’s when Margaret realized that perhaps these patients were experiencing depression in a way she hadn’t quite considered before. She coined the term “Perfectly Hidden Depression”, to describe people who’s sadness was so well hidden that even they themselves didn’t realize it was there. They don’t look depressed, don’t act depressed, have an active life with plenty of friends, but then are suddenly discovered attempting suicide or checking themselves into psych hospitals.

In order to help you better understand how this could be possible, Dr. Rutherford dives into the definition of Perfectly Hidden Depression and explains it’s symptoms and signs. In the episode, she describes common habits of people with this condition, which can serve as warning signs that your teen might be experiencing a mental health issue that they can’t or won’t talk about.

10 Signs of Perfectly Hidden Depression

If you’re worried that the description of Perfectly Hidden Depression might sound like your teen, don’t fret. Margaret and I discuss in depth ten common symptoms of people with this condition, so that you can develop a deeper understanding of how it works and how it may be affecting your teen.

Dr. Rutherford explains that one thing people with this kind of depression tend to do is focus intensely on outward accomplishments in order to feel valuable. This may occur as a result of feeling an excessive pressure from family or society to achieve highly. They might feel as though they aren’t valid or worthy of love when they aren’t winning awards or getting promotions. Margaret emphasizes that while ambition is a wonderful attribute, this need to fulfill external measures of success can become irrational or cause intense self criticism, leading to a dangerous decline in mental health.

This leads to another common habit of those with Perfectly Hidden Depression--the tendency to compartmentalize their feelings. While those who are struggling with these feelings may sense that something is off within them, these folks are likely to put this feeling in a box in their mind and pretend it doesn’t exist, or believe it is simply the result of a bad day. Margaret shares a tragic example of an individual who exhibited some depressive behaviors, who, when a worried friend showed concern, insisted it was only a fleeting feeling. Sadly, a few weeks later, he committed suicide.

Oftentimes, people with Perfectly Hidden Depression don’t feel like they can share their negative feelings, or may even suppress them to the point where they don’t let themselves really experience sadness. Dr. Rutherford says that this often occurs because these individuals have a harsh inner critic which might cause them to feel shame over these negative emotions. They’re also often perfectionists, and don’t like to cry, complain, or show that their life is anything less than smooth sailing.

In the episode, Margaret discusses all ten common habits of those with Perfectly Hidden Depression and explains how to spot them. Once we’ve defined the syndrome a little further, we dive into what parents might be doing to worsen this condition in teens, and how they can prevent this condition from developing in their kids.

How Parents Can Hurt And Help

Dr. Rutherford knows that parents would never want to cause their children grief, but she points out some ways parents may be contributing to or worsening the development of Perfectly Hidden Depression in their teens. Oftentimes, the pressure from parents to achieve and perform, whether that’s in school, sports, or other extracurriculars, can be a major contributor to this problem. In the episode, Margaret talks about how we can continue to encourage kids in a healthy way, allowing them to reach their full potential while also allowing them to remain emotionally stable.

In many cases, parents might see their kid performing extremely well, and take this to mean that this kid is happy and thriving. This is not a bad assumption--and it is certainly true in some cases. Margaret suggests, however, checking in with your teenager and making sure they are maintaining healthy habits and considering their own mental well-being. In the episode, she explores this idea further and gives tips for what to do if you suspect your teen might be struggling with Perfectly Hidden Depression.

When it comes to prevention, Dr. Rutherford stresses the importance of being vulnerable with your kid. She stresses how important it is to model emotional vulnerability to allow teens to grow into individuals who know how to handle all of life's ups and downs. If parents make it seem as though expressing sadness, anger and fear is unacceptable, kids may not learn how to let their feelings out.

This means it’s ok to share your disappointments about losing out on a job, your sadness about the death of a loved one. It’s ok to show your teenager that life doesn’t always go as planned. Now of course, it’s not a teenager’s job to help you fix the problem or to be your therapist, but letting them see that failure and negative emotions are a part of life can do wonders for their own emotional health.

In The Episode…

When it comes to Perfectly Hidden Depression, there’s a lot to learn! Dr. Rutherford and I also cover:

How to spot symptoms of Perfectly Hidden Depression
Why praising perfectionism can be danger...

Ep 109: Can Your Teen Spot the Truth? Oct 25, 2020

Cindy Otis, author of True or False and former CIA analyst, joins Andy to discuss how misinformation snowballs (and how to spot it), the long history of fake news, and how emotion can blind teens (and adults) to the truth.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

With kids these days having 24/7 access to the internet on a million different devices, free to browse endless content and information, it can be frightening to wonder what they might come across. As a parent, you may worry that your teenager could be reading some inappropriate Reddit threads or secretly playing Minecraft until one AM on a school night….

However, there’s a very significant internet force that affects teens these days, one that parents might not always consider: the widespread phenomenon of fake news. You might not think your teenager could encounter dangerous misinformation online, but fake news is much more common than you might think. A 2018 MIT study has found that on Twitter, rumors and conspiracy theories are shared and clicked on almost six times as much as factual news. How can we teach our teens to avoid these fake news outlets and ensure they are remaining informed only by the truth?

Our guest today is Cindy Otis, a former CIA analyst and the author of True or False: a CIA Analysts Guide to Spotting Fake News. Cindy’s an expert on cyber security and the spread of information, and she’s here to answer some of your most burning questions about how fake news might find it’s way into your teen’s feed.

In our interview today, she outlines some of the book’s most intriguing concepts, like how fake news manages to appear in the first place, why so many people seem to believe it, and some things teens and parents can do to think critically about how they consume media.

The Origins of Fake News

So how exactly did the concept of fake news come into being? When did all the misinformation begin? While we might think of fake news as a recent development, there’s evidence that fake news as we know it has been around since ancient Egypt! There’s examples of fake news being used in many societies throughout history to influence public opinion on political matters.

Cindy brings up an example you might be familiar with: tobacco companies in the 50s and 60s spreading misinformation about cigarettes to distract people from their major health effects. Most of the time, these companies didn’t directly state that cigarettes are good for you, but instead made the scientific findings that advised against cigarettes seem murky and uncertain. By overloading the consumer with contradicting information, they made the science seem less credible.

In the episode, Cindy talks about how that’s often the case with fake news. Even if it isn’t necessarily lying to people outright, it may just be used to obscure or cause the reader to question factual information. When there is a lot of confusion and chaos around an issue, people are less likely to believe evidence--like the science that proves cigarettes cause cancer—-and instead find themselves uncertain about what to think.

When it comes to fake news in the modern day, social media (where teens spend an enormous amount of time) is a major factor. One way fake news is distributed and spread on these sites is through fake accounts, fake users, comments, likes, etc. Companies and organizations create this false social media presence to help emphasize their own ideas and sway the opinions of the public. Cindy’s research follows this kind of activity closely, and she delves into this idea further in the interview.

Now that we know how fake news gets around, it’s time to ask: why do so many people--including, potentially, our teens, seem to believe it?

Falling for Fake News

It seems as though we’d be able to spot fake news in a heartbeat, but it’s not as easy as you might imagine. To demonstrate the progression of a fake news story finding its way to a large audience and causing panic, Cindy shared a current example about a story on Twitter. This false conspiracy theory claimed that there were 6,000 armed protesters coming to a small midwestern town to destroy property--all 6,000 on one bus, to be exact--and it went viral.

You might ask yourself, how might anyone believe that 6,000 people might come to their town unprompted to cause destruction? Cindy explains that the underlying motivation to believe stories like these is fear. People who may not trust minority groups might believe that such people want to hurt them, causing them to accept far-fetched stories like these more easily.

This kind of thinking isn’t just true for outlandish ideas like these—social media feeds are curated to cater to the user’s own biases! Websites and companies collect enormous amounts of data on you and your teen’s activity, and then use that information to tell you the kind of things you already want to hear. Although this may not sound bad, organizations may be using you or your teen’s information to get you to spend money or, of course, believe fake news.

This tendency of social media to reinforce bias to prop up fake news is especially common when there is a vacuum of information--if details are missing, our brains tend to fill in the blanks with what we think is the truth. Then, when something comes along that agrees with what we think, we like and share it on Facebook or Twitter. This half-baked, highly misleading news is even more likely to stick with us when we’re in highly emotional states and the world around is rapidly changing, like during election season or a pandemic.

So when we’re in these chaotic, highly emotional environments, how do we keep ourselves and our teens from falling prey to fake news or misleading information?

How to be a Critical Consumer of Media

Cindy and I go into depth about steps you and your teen can take to be better consumers of all media, including fake news. One thing we discuss is how all news--both fake and legitimate--might be manipulating your emotions. While serious subjects can definitely naturally touch one’s emotions, it’s important to pay attention to how materials might be attempting to appeal to your teen’s fears or sympathy to sway their opinions. What pictures does the outlet choose to use? What kind of highly charged language might be in place to push you or your teen towards a certain viewpoint?

In addition, Cindy talks about how important it is to identify when you or your teen is being micro targeted. Microtargeting is when a company or organization mines a great deal of data about the websites a person visits and products or services they enjoy, and then uses that information to deliver extremely specific content into their feed. This isn’t necessarily a cruel practice, but it may be a tool organizations use to spread false information or to manipulate you as well as your kids.

Cindy and I also chat about the reliability of polls and statistics teens or parents might read online--and how it’s hard to find ones that are truly reliable. It’s rare that a poll reaches a diverse population, and it’s not often that respondents feel as though they can answer truthfully. Visualizations of poll results can also be very misleading, and may confuse the viewer into jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Overall, what matters is that your teen is informed about how to examine a...

Ep 108: Prepare Your Teen for Police Encounters Oct 18, 2020

Jonathan Cristall, author of What They Don’t Teach Teens and a career prosecutor, gives Andy the insider scoop on what teens should know to stay calm and collected during any police or criminal encounter. Does your teen know their rights?

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

When it comes to raising teens, most of us know how important it it to have conversations about things like safe sex, drugs, and alcohol...but what about police brutality? Cyberbullying? Sexual harassment? Topics like these might feel like they’re coming out of left field….and you may not know where to even start! It’s difficult to teach kids about their legal rights and street smarts when there’s no manual anywhere telling parents how to do so.

However, topics like these are vital to the health and safety of the modern teen. Especially in recent times, as society is uncovering just how common sexual assault and police brutality are, it can be so valuable to help your teen understand their rights and basic safety procedures in times of crises or coercion.

Our guest today is Jonathan Cristall, a prosecutor who’s years of experience in the legal profession has taught him just how much danger teens can find themselves in. As a father himself, he wanted to give his kids a book that taught them basic legal and self defense information….but couldn’t find one! That’s why he published his new book What They Don’t Teach Teens: Life Safety Skills for Teens and the Adults Who Care for Them. It covers some important stuff your kids might not learn in school--but that they should definitely know.

Jonathan sat down with us today to discuss the rights your teen should be aware of during an interaction with law enforcement, the basic street safety skills every teen should have, and how teens can protect themselves from predators online.

Having Positive Police Interactions

Overall, Jonathan emphasizes that when it comes to staying safe around police, the most important thing is to respect law enforcement and follow the law…best to avoid having any issue with officers in the first place! Jonathan explains that he believes most members of the police force are just trying to do their job to the best of their ability and keep you safe.

But in recent times, conversations about police brutality have become more and more common as current events examine troubling trends in police behavior. Jonathan emphasizes that even though it’s always in your best interest to respect the police, there are some basic constitutional rights your teen should be privy to before they have a run-in with the cops, just in case.

In the episode, we get into how many teenagers are not aware of such basic information as their 4th and 5th amendment rights. There are plenty of interactions where teens might be searched unlawfully--even though they have the right to refuse a search! Jonathan and I talk about specific language teenagers can use to tell a police officer that they don’t consent to be searched.

Similarly, many teenagers (and even adults) are unaware of what to do when they receive a ticket for something they do not believe they are guilty of. Or if they are allowed to film a police officer while they’re working, if they suspect something’s off. Or even if they are legally able to be detained by an officer! Jonathan clears up all these situations in the episode.

Besides encounters with law enforcement, there are some other potential dangers your teen might need to be aware of on the street. Jonathan gets into some basic street safety techniques that can help your teen protect themselves when they’re out and about.

How to Help Your Teen Develop Street Smarts

Nowadays, teens are walking around without even looking up...half the time they’re looking at their phones! Jonathan emphasizes the importance of simple practices like situational awareness--how being cognizant of your surroundings can save you in a crisis.

One example Jonathan gives is locating an emergency exit. When teens walk into a restaurant, movie theater, bar, or other place of business, it can be really valuable to make note of where they can exit during a potential emergency. If an emergency does occur and they are faced with pandemonium and panic, they’ll know where to go. In the episode, Jonathan gets into a specific situation he found himself in during his teenage years, and how situational awareness allowed him to get out safely.

Another potential danger to your teen Jonathan and I talk about is the possibility of armed kidnap or robbery. If someone pulls a gun on your teen and asks for their wallet, your teen would know to just give up the wallet...right?

Actually, in Jonathan’s experience, about a third of teens believe it’s better not to give their things up to an armed assailant--they don’t want to lose their stuff! While it’s understandable to want to keep your iphone, Jonathan emphasizes that items are replaceable but people aren’t! It can be a good idea to remind your teen that in a situation like that, it’s best to just forfeit you belongings to save your life.

On top of the dangers they face in the outside world, teens are also at risk for certain dangers online. In the episode Jonathan dives into how teenagers may run into sexual predators or find themselves exploited--and how to prevent these situations from occurring.

The Dangers of Sextortion

Jonathan discusses the various ways people can be exploited sexually online--using the word “sextortion” as an umbrella term for things like the non-consensual screen recording of sexual videos or blackmail using nude photographs. Alarmingly, the average age for a sextortion victim is fifteen, and it’s one of the fastest growing dangers teens face online, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.

Sextortion perpetrators can be fellow teenagers as well as adults. Sometimes, these adults pose as teenagers, in a process called “catfishing” in which they fake their identity. Sometimes teenagers are lured into disrobing on camera, and then later told that the video will be released to the public if they don’t pay money or perform other services. Other times, teenagers may send nudes to someone they’re in a sexual or romantic relationship with, only to find those nudes passed around to strangers without their consent.

In the episode, Jonathan shares ways you can talk with your teen about these potential dangers. He explains how important it is for teens to think critically about their virtual sexual behavior, and consider all possible outcomes of the situation. Being extorted could cause serious damage to their reputation, not to mention they’re social and emotional health.

Saying “no” to a request for nudes or other sexually explicit material is not always the easiest thing to do. Jonathan suggests reminding your teenager that if somebody is pressuring them to do something they don’t want to do, then that person likely doesn’t have their best interest at heart. Similarly, Jonathan recommends letting your teenager know that they can talk to you if they find themselves in a dangerous or exploitative situation with someone online, even if they might be scared or ashamed.

In the Episode…

In addition to these topics, Jonathan and I talk about:

When the police can legally search a te...

Ep 107: Only 7% of Parents Do This... Oct 11, 2020

Megan Maas, PhD, award-winning researcher at Michigan State University, leads us through the latest reports on pornography use among adolescents. Andy learns only 7% of parents have talked to their teens about porn.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

When it comes to having hard conversations with teenagers, talking about pornography is often one of the most awkward and unprecedented topics to cover. It feels so private, so uncomfortable to bring up….especially with your own child! It’s ever so tempting to just skip the conversation altogether. It’s not that likely that your teen is watching porn….right?

Quite the contrary. In fact, recent research indicates that about 90% of boys and 60% of girls today are exposed to porn before the age of 17. Not only that, but about a third of teenagers say they watch porn regularly, on a weekly or monthly basis. In contrast, only about 7% of parents have talked to their teenagers about pornography. And with modern pornography becoming more and more exploitative of both it’s stars and it’s viewers, teens could be at risk of viewing some seriously dark stuff--and getting into some frightening patterns.

That’s why we have the brilliant Megan Maas on the podcast this week. She’s a seasoned sex educator and researcher of adolescent psychology, and focuses a lot of her energy on helping teenagers and parents become more comfortable with talking about pornography and it’s effects. She’s here to chat all about how to start those hard conversations about porn--and explain why they’re so important.

In the episode, Megan dives into why porn is becoming more and more frightening for young people, the possible effects of watching too much porn as a teen, and how we can strike up those talks about porn we might be dreading.

When Porn Becomes Problematic

Since we rarely talk about porn--and usually experience it behind closed doors--we might not see it as a widespread phenomenon. However, if we look at statistics about internet usage, we find that the popular pornography website, Pornhub, recieves more traffic than Amazon, Netflix, and Twitter combined. Almost thirty percent of the content that exists online can be classified as pornography...meaning that there’s more porn on the internet than any of us could ever live long enough to watch!

With all that porn available to viewers, companies that produce pornogrpahy have had to take new measures to get views, and these measures aren’t exactly the most positive for performers or our teens. In order to compete for clicks, companies are more likely to make videos increasingly risque and shocking. This kind of porn is what we want to keep teens from watching, porn that disregards the idea of consent, respect, and pleasure in sexual intimacy.

Although there is porn out there that isn’t necessarily damaging, porn that shows healthy sexual activity between consenting partners, these videos are often mixed in with or buried under much more toxic and disturbing material.

You might be thinking that the easiest solution is to download software to block porn sites on your teen’s computer, or punish them for watching these videos. However, these restrictions might only make the problem worse, Megan warns. In the episode, she discusses how trying to keep teens from watching porn together may only cause them to become more interested in watching it--and internalizing what they see.

In addition to tackling toxic porn, Megan also touches on another important concern--what might happen if your teen develops a porn addiction?

The Effects of Too Much Porn

We know it’s natural for teens to develop sexual urges after puberty, and that they may be attracted to porn occasionally when seeking sexual arousal, but when should we be concerned about the quantity of porn they consume?

In the episode, Megan and I discuss some common questions surrounding excessive porn use among teenagers. Does watching exessive pornography from a young age make teens more inclined to sexual violence? Does porn replace the need for actual sexual activity if it’s consumed too heavily?

Megan shares knowledge from her own research as well as other studies to talk about how porn affects the teenage brain. She discusses why it is exactly thar teens are having less sex these days than they used to--a phenomenon often falsely attributed to teens’ porn consumption.

She also equates pornography with fast food: although it can be enjoyable and convenient, it can also have damaging effects if too consumed too much. Megan and I talk in more depth about how this idea can extend past the sphere of pornography to incoporate other areas of modern teenage life. Does social media replace teens' need for actual socialization? Tune in to hear what Megan has to say about how today’s technology affects teen behavior all around

But back to the topic at hand. You know the dangers that pornography can pose to your teen, and it’s time to educate them to ensure they traverse the internet safely. We know starting that conversation isn’t easy, but Megan is here to help.

Talking to Your Teen About Pornography

When sitting your teen down to discuss this potentially awkward subject, just remember: it’s totally natural for any teen to be interested in pornography. Although pornography as we know it developed in the mid twentieth century with photography and videography becoming more and more accessible over time, erotica and erotic images have existed in every civilization since the beginning of time. Megan suggests entering the conversation with the mindset that all teenagers are likely experiencing newfound sexual urges and that these feelings are simply a product of biology.

Since it’s likely that teens are going to be encountering porn regardless of what you say, Megan explains how you can give your teen a comprehensive run-down of the things they should be looking out for when choosing what porn to watch. Porn that features consent, protection, and mutual pleasure are the ones teenagers should be watching, if they choose to watch any, says Megan.

Instead of just having one big talk about sex and pornography, Megan suggests having many small talks over time, starting early and continuing indefinitely. By frequently checking in on your teenager’s sexual health and development, you can ensure that they’re remaining safe and secure in their own body. Having an open line of communication can help you build trust with your teen, meaning they’re more likely to clue you in when something’s wrong.

Overall, the important thing is to remind your teen that they are valuable, smart, and have control over their own mind and body. By teaching them to think critically about porn and their own sexual preferences, you are allowing them to have agency over their own sexual choices, instead of shame or confusion.

In the Episode...

On top of addressing possible concerns that you might have about your teen’s porn consumption and giving tips for starting conversations about responsible porn use with your teen, Megan and I discuss:

How young people learn through observation
What we can do to turn our sex education in a more positive direction
How abstinence education might be damaging to your teen
Why stigmatizing sex in your household can be dangerous to your teen’s sexual health

If you enjoyed list...

Ep 106: Teen Brain Hacks Oct 04, 2020

Malin Gutestam, author of Brain Tools for Teens, shares what she has learned from decades of working in education. There are a few simple tactics that every teen can employ to make their brain work for them--and Malin tells us what parents can do to help.

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When your teen is cranky, rude, anxious, or just stressed out, it’s hard not to ask yourself, what’s making them act this way? You may start to worry that it was by something you did...or wonder if there’s something you should be doing! Parenting is one of the world’s toughest jobs, and even when you’re doing your best it can feel as though your teen’s problems are somehow linked to your parenting.

The truth is, however, these behaviors could be caused by something far out of your control. Teenager’s moods are affected by so many things: the amount of sleep they get, how much time they spend on their screens, whether or not the person they have a crush on talked to them at school...the list goes on. There’s countless small forces that shape teens’ behavior in big ways, and by looking at research into how teens operate mentally and physically, we can uncover how these forces accumulate to shape teens’ behavior.

Our guest this week is Malin Gutestam, a researcher and educator who has worked extensively with adolescents to uncover how teens can not only improve their mood but also find success in their endeavors. She’s the author of Brain Tools for Teens, a guide to teen psychology and biology that focuses on helping teens understand their own form and function to increase performance on everything from academics to athletics. The book is chock full of well-researched advice about how teens can be happy, healthy, and learn effectively.

One key idea Malin focuses on is the value of educating teens about the science of their own minds and bodies. For example, if we simply tell teens to sleep more, they’ll likely just end up staying awake until midnight playing Minecraft yet again. But if we can teach them how sleeping more will allow them to lead a more productive and happy life, they might be more likely to tuck themselves in by ten pm.

In the episode, Malin discusses the psychological occurrences that can cause teens to act up, and explains some of her research on the value of sleep, and mindfulness.

The Science Behind Your Teen’s Stress

It can sometimes feel as though your teen lives in a melodrama, when they turn every small event into a spectacle of emotion. While you may think they’re just being theatrical, there’s actually some science behind why they have such intense reactions to seemingly insignificant stuff.

Malin explains in the episode how the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which analyzes our surroundings for potential threats, is not quite developed fully until humans reach adulthood. That means for teenagers, telling the difference between a serious concern and a minor blip is not as easy as it is for adults.

This also means teens are more likely to get overwhelmed by all the things in their lives that threaten them or stress them out, and they're not always the best at solving problems. In the episode, Malin discusses steps you can take to help them work through their feelings when they’re making mountains out of molehills.

She also shares how we can help our teens take their seemingly negative stress and use it positively. Physiologically, the nervousness we feel when we have an important test is the same sensation we experience when we’re about to sing for a crowd or jump out on the soccer field. In our conversation we discuss how teens can channel their anxiety into something more positive and productive.

When it comes to regulating emotions and improving performance, there’s another very important physical factor: sleep.

How Sleeping Leads to Success

We all know that sleeping more helps us have more energy, but what scientific ideas about sleep can we share with our kids to help them understand it’s value? One thing Malin speaks thoroughly about in the episode is sleep’s connection to memory.

When we sleep, our body shifts through the day’s memories, like you might shift through shows on Netflix--and just like you might use your remote to save a show to watch for later, the brain stores some memories as useful for the long term. Your brain keeps important information ( a due date for a new project, the name of someone you met, or maybe even a memorable moment with a friend) and ditches the mundane stuff (what you had for breakfast, the songs you heard on the radio as you drove to the store).

This process, known as “consolidation,” is super valuable when it comes to tests and examinations. Malin discusses how a good night’s sleep can lead to better scores on an evaluation. However, if we fail to get adequate rest, we can mess up this consolidation process--leading us to perform poorly when it comes to retaining information.

Now, whether we’re a developing teen or a fully grown adult, we’ve all stayed up late trying to stuff information into our brains-to “cram” before the next day. Malin explains how, although we think this may help us achieve greater results on our exam, our lack of sleep is actually severely detrimental to our memory.

Malin offers a great solution to this problem in the episode. She also talks at length about how not sleeping affects metabolism, and therefore mood. If teens can get more sleep, they can enter their day with more energy, but in order to truly thrive, they’ll have to learn how to harness that energy and use it to better themselves. This is where Malin dives into the importance of self awareness.

The Transformative Power of Self Awareness

Although there are varying definitions of the term “self awareness”, Malin uses it to describe the ways we pause, slow down, and reflect during our daily lives. Teens these days have got a lot of distractions--they carry around tiny computers in their pockets and can conjure up anything they think of with just a quick google search--but with the right techniques, they can find ways to center themselves and return their focus back to what’s important.

Because she knows that teens (and parents) are pretty busy, she suggests short little exercises that can help promote self awareness and tranquility. She cites some of her research, a brief study about how mindfulness can help teens improve their focus during exams. In the study, adolescents who were about to take a math test were told to close their eyes and focus on their breathing for a full minute. At the end, a majority of the teens said this short activity greatly improved their focus.

Malin suggests implementing this in your family in small, accessible ways. For example, before eating together, try taking a minute to close your eyes and just breathe, bringing your thoughts back to your breath when you start to get carried away by your anxieties or distractions.

Although it may seem a little out of the ordinary to sit with your family in silence, it’s a nice way to incorporate reflection and mindfulness into your day and--bonus points--can help you eat mindfully instead of shoveling food into your mouth (which we all tend to do occasionally, especially when we’re busy or stressed). When we prioritize self awareness, we further our own well-being, and allow ourse...

Ep 105: The Hormones Behind Bonding, Relationships, and Sex Sep 27, 2020

Dr. Larry J. Young, author of The Chemistry Between Us and researcher at Emory, joins Andy to discuss the hormones that drive humans (and animals!) to form deep bonds with each other. Plus, how increasing your teen’s oxytocin could be the key to creating a sociable adult.

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Full show notes

It can sometimes be worrying when our teenagers struggle to form bonds with other teens. As our kids get older, we want to make sure they’re able to form positive relationships with others so that they can move successfully through college, thrive in the workplace, become president of the United States… or whatever great things they plan to do!

So what can you do when your teenager is struggling to connect or even choosing to isolate themselves, playing video games all day instead? You might feel like something’s gone wrong, or that you’ve made a mistake as a parent. Don’t fear, however. With a little scientific exploration, we can get to the bottom of how teens connect with one another, so that you can guide your teen towards better social habits.

Our guest today, Dr. Larry Young, is an expert on the hormones that help teens forge and maintain relationships. He’s a professor, leading researcher on social behaviors, and the author of The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction. He’s here today to delve into the science behind teenagers’ interactions, and how parents can help their kids find social success.

In order to examine how teenage brain chemistry affects their ability to socialize, Larry began by studying a subject he knew well: wild animals

Survival Strategies

Dr. Young grew up on a farm, and was always interested in what we could learn about friendships, relationships, and sexual behavior from the behaviors of different animals. In his research, he found that there was a lot of variation amongst different species--and that the same was true for humans.

To aid his research on relationship and bonding hormones in humans, Larry spent nearly 25 years studying the mating patterns of voles: small, stocky rodents similar to field mice. He found that unlike many species of animals (and similarly to humans), prairie voles are socially monogamous creatures, who form lasting pairs and raise their young together.

For these prairie voles, monogamy provides extra protection and resources for their litter by having both parents around. This ensures that offspring will have a safer upbringing, allowing them to get a head start when it comes to surviving in the world.

However, Richard was surprised to find in his research that another, almost identical species of voles adopts the exact opposite strategy. Instead of forming monogamous pairings, males of this species tend to be loners and bachelors, while females often abandon their offspring as early as two months old. For these voles, leaving youngsters to fend for themselves is the chosen strategy to raise a successful litter. Despite being very similar to prairie voles, these voles have their own way of raising kids that doesn’t follow the same rules.

This goes to show that not all of us adopt the same survival strategies--and that’s ok. There’s variability in what brings about a successful, happy individual. Some teens are more likely to fend for themselves, while others are more inclined to find a partner or a pack. Similarly, no parenting strategy is perfect, and each of us approaches situations with different perspectives. In the episode, Larry speaks further about how variability presents itself in the wild and amongst humans .

Although we’re all different, we all have similar hormones in our brains, informing us on how to attract mates, take care of others and ensure our safety. Learning about these hormones can help us understand our teen’s behavior, and nudge them towards being a little more social. Larry focuses on two of these hormones: Oxytocin and Vasopressin.

How Oxytocin Helps Teens Socialize Successfully

When it comes to forming bonds, one of our brain’s most active hormones is oxytocin. This powerful chemical is what is released in a mother’s brain when she gives birth, the hormone that causes her to care deeply for her child. Throughout the child’s youth, when she engages in nurturing behavior, she releases oxytocin into both her own brain and the brain of her child.

Larry explains how kids who may have received lots of skin to skin contact, or heard their parents’ voice consistently throughout childhood have higher levels of oxytocin in their brains, even into adulthood. According to Larry’s research, teens who have these increased oxytocin levels may be more socially capable and confident. For example, politicians are known to have brains with high levels of oxytocin, allowing them to be charming and likeable.

For those with lower oxytocin levels, communicating and creating strong relationships can be a little more difficult. Richard discusses how those with low oxytocin have a harder time reading others’ emotions and may not always have an easy time socializing. When a teen appears to have lower oxytocin levels, this is not necessarily the parents’ fault, Dr. Young emphasizes--often times this is out of anyone’s control. It could be caused by small cumulative, cultural factors, or just occur naturally in a person’s brain.

If you feel that maybe your teen isn’t experiencing the highest levels of oxytocin, then Dr. Young shares some tips in the episode to help your teenager boost their social abilities to ensure that they’re socially capable and comfortable as they approach adulthood.

Now that we’ve discussed oxytocin, let’s look at another significant hormone developing in your adolescent: vasopressin.

Vasopressin and Effects

If oxytocin allows individuals to become more nurturing, Vasopressin is the hormone that causes them to become protective. It’s particularly high in males, as it’s linked to testosterone. It’s the behavioral motivation for males to guard property, children or even their partners.

Has your teenage son seem to have developed tendencies that border on violence or aggressiveness? Does he seem a little more possessive than he used to be, getting ticked off when you go in his room or move his things? That’s likely due to increased levels of vasopressin.

Richard expresses how important this hormone is to the process of mating; it’s key to bonding females and males together. Although it’s stronger in men, it’s active in females as well, and it's part of what makes people fall in love. That means that if your teenager has begun dating and seems inseparable from their new “friend”.... it’s the hormones at work.

Richard talks more specifically about the effects of vasopressin in the episode. Although it may cause a sudden shift in teenage behavior, it’s a perfectly normal part of puberty. By understanding the hormones at work in your teen’s brain, you’ll be more equipped to handle them at their worst, so you can raise them to be their best.

In the Episode…

Beyond hormones, there’s a lot we can learn from Larry about how teens form relationships and understand one another. His research spans many different topics, and he’s been in the field of behavioral science research for quite a while! We talk about:

Whether ...

Ep 104: A Good Relationship is Key to Raising a Good Teen Sep 20, 2020

Dr. Richard Lerner, author of The Good Teen and academic at Tufts University, shares his research on “good” teens and “bad” teens. The key to raising a good one? Strong, nurturing, and trusting relationships. Richard shows us how!

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Creating a strong relationship with your teen doesn’t always come easy. It can be hard to interest them in shooting hoops or watching old movies with you...they’re likely more excited about skating or hanging out with their friends at the mall. Even just starting up conversations can be difficult, as teens can sometimes be wary that you’re just trying to nag them or tell them what to do.

If we don’t form strong bonds with our teenagers, however, we might be keeping them from reaching their full potential. More and more research on adolescent mental health and self esteem indicates that having meaningful relationships with trusted adults can be vital to their well being. So how can we create powerful connections with our teens to ensure they move into adulthood with confidence and self efficacy?

Our guest today is here to talk all about how parents can forge positive relationships with teenagers that give them power to thrive. His name is Richard Lerner, and he’s a professor who’s done some groundbreaking research on the adolescent mind. His book, The Good Teen: Rescuing Adolescents From the Myths of the Storm and Stress Years, is all about how we can smash the myth that adolescents have to be miserable, and instead create nurturing, empowering environments where care and encouragement allow teens to reach their full potential...

In the episode, Richard goes into depth on how forming these bonds helps kids prosper, and how you can find ways to connect with your teen and their interests.

Why Relationships With Our Teens Matter

Richard knows that teenagers are capable of great things, if they are nurtured and given the right resources. His research has followed thousands of adolescents from all different backgrounds, and examined how powerful it can be when we believe in kids and provide them with the tools to build themselves.

In fact, the reason Richard entered the field of adolescent psychology was because he felt that teens were too often being told that adolescence was destined to be a negative experience, when he knew that in reality, it can be a period of empowerment. In his research, he examined how positive relationships with adults allowed teens to blossom.

Based on his research, Rischard sorted the qualities of successful teens into five categories: confidence, competence, character, connection and caring. Richard believes these principles are attainable for all teens, given the right circumstances. In the episode, he talks about how teens can learn to embody each one.

What kids really need to develop these traits, Richard says, is positive relationships with mentors, coaches, friends, and of course, parents. If you want your teen to believe that they’re capable of academic, social, and vocational success, you can start by making an effort to connect with them. Richard explains how you can use these strong relationships to promote moral centeredness for your teens, so that they can grow up to be generous, productive members of society.

If you know how powerful these bonds can be, the next question is, how can you initiate conversations and build your relationship with your teen?

Get Into What Your Teens Are Into

You want to connect with your teen, but all they seem to be interested in is their computer or their new eyeshadow palette-whatever it is they’re obsessed with lately. Maybe you want to talk to them, but you don’t really find anything they like to be interesting or appealing as a means of bonding with them.

However, finding ways to become interested in the things your teens are interested in is one of the best ways you can help them thrive, according to Richard. These interests are likely tied to their greatest skills and most authentic passions, and by showing them you care, you can help them turn their interest into a serious opportunity for growth. In the episode, Richard shares the many ways you can help kids manifest valuable skills through their natural interests.

He shares his own experience with his son as an example. Growing up, Richard's son always loved skateboarding, but Richard never really found a lot of merit in the activity. However, in an attempt to connect with his son, Richard offered to help him build some boxes and ramps to skate on. They decided to place them in the basement, so that he could skateboard down there in the winter.

The two of them worked together to construct the materials, allowing them to bond and giving Richard’s son some serious construction skills from a young age. Although Richard wasn’t much of a skater himself, he found ways to use his son’s interest to help them both grow. This growth is a two way street, says Richard. As much as teens learn from you, you can also learn from them.

Once you’ve used a teenager’s interests to form a strong bond with them, you’ve opened up a channel of communication. That means you’ll be able to reach them when it comes time to chat about more serious matters.

When It’s Time To Get Serious

In the episode, I ask Richard what advice he has for parents hoping to approach serious topics with their kids. He recommends being proactive, and to talk about serious issues before problems emerge. Bringing up these ideas early on can help prepare teens for life’s curveballs before they come flying towards them.

This doesn’t stray too far from Richard’s research about forming strong bonds; in fact, when prompted to give his greatest advice for positive parenting, Richard states trusting, caring, nurturing relationships are key. Whether it’s sitting kids down to talk to them about the more serious aspects of life or just taking time to ask them about their day, putting in the effort can have wonderful results.

Every kid, he says, needs an adult that cares irrationally for them, someone who they can rely on. If kids are reminded that they are loved and that they matter, they’ll feel comfortable coming to you when it’s time to discuss serious things.

When they do come to talk to you, Richard emphasizes the power of rejecting punishments and punitive measures, in favor of trust and honesty. He suggests sending a message to your teens that you’re concerned and want to help them out, rather than putting them down for their choices. If you make it clear that they can confide in you, they’re more likely to come to you for some advice and clue you in to what’s going on with them.

If your kid does decide to share with you, it can be a great opportunity to talk with them about values and principles, imparting upon them the wisdom you’ve gained in your life. In the episode, Richard describes the lifelong balancing act between sharing your opinions and giving your child room to form their own–something he’s been working on since his first say as a father.

In the Episode…

When it comes to working with teenagers to help them become their best selves, Richard has endless great advice. His research has brought forth amazing discoveries about how adolescents can thrive and become happy, healthy adults. ...

Ep 103: How Risk-Taking is Hardwired in Adolescent Brains Sep 13, 2020

Barbara Natterson-Horowitz and Kathryn Bowers, authors of the new book Wildhood (and bestseller Zoobiquity), explain the four needs of every adolescent as they transition to healthy adults. Plus, the surprising biology behind teen risk-taking behavior, particularly in groups!

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Watching teens gobble down five plates of food, grow six inches in one night and flock in groups to the mall as they attempt to attract “mates” really makes you think...teens aren’t so different from wild animals! And just like wild animals, our teenagers are up against quite a bit as they begin setting out on their own in the world. They’ll need to know how to protect themselves from danger, how to socialize with others, how to develop effective sexual communication, and how to provide for themselves as they become independent adults.

We can’t protect our teens from the force of nature forever...so how can we prepare them to master the art of survival? Amazingly, there’s a lot we can learn about priming out teens for adult life from studying the patterns of adolescent wild animals. Whether it’s uncovering connections between the ways animals and humans both learn to avoid danger, or finding similarities in reproductive patterns across species, our guests today are here to shine light on how wild animals can teach us all about teenage behavior.

My conversation today is with Barbara Natterson-Horowitz and Kathryn Bowers. They’ve been researching animal science together for the past ten years—and they’re also both mothers of young adults. Investigating the behaviors of wild animals while simultaneously wrangling teens at home caused them to identify similarities between teen adolescence and animal adolescence. Their book, Wildhood: The Astounding Connections Between Human and Animal Adolescents, discusses how we can use research on animals to help our teens grow up safe, confident, and independent.

The key according to Barbara and Kathryn is getting your adolescents’ four main needs met.

How Teens Learn to “Sense” Danger

When it comes to talking about safety, you as a parent may know the difficulty of drawing boundaries for your child. You want to shelter them from danger, but you don’t want to overdo it, leaving them totally helpless when they enter adult life.

Kathryn and Barbara elaborate on this idea by explaining how it plays out among fish, specifically salmon. Salmon that are raised in the wild are much more equipped to defend themselves against predators than those who are sheltered and raised in captivity. Wild salmon naturally form a network with others, creating a “school.” By using safety in numbers, they’re able to defend themselves against predators.

Those raised in captivity, however, are unable to form those connections to other fish, and are simply unaware of the danger of predators. When they were released into the wild, they are immediately snatched up by predatory fish–so much so that the predators often wait by where captive fish are released, ready to pounce as soon as one swims by!

Barbara and Kathryn warn that while of course it’s a good idea to protect your child as they grow up, it’s not always the healthiest to shelter them too much. In the episode, we talk all about how you can walk this line–keeping kids safe while also ensuring that they are aware of how intimidating real life can be.

Teenagers are Stressed about Status

Another similarity between creatures in the wild and the teens in our homes is that both tend to have a preoccupation with status...that is, they want to fit in with the flock, sometimes even become the leaders of the pack! As a parent, you might struggle with guiding your teen through their sudden obsession with popularity and the opinions of their peers.

The best explanation for why your teen is consumed by the idea of status is because, like wild animals, their brain is in survival mode. In the animal kingdom, status is deeply linked to who gets the access to the most resources, mates, and protection. That’s why status is so important to teens; as their survival instincts are developing, so is their need for a high status.

This is why they can become so distraught when it feels like they don’t fit in. When someone leaves a mean comment on their Instagram page, it doesn’t just hurt a little, it causes a disruption to their brain’s perception of their chances of survival.

In the episode, Kathryn and Barbara emphasize how important it is that we be gentle with teenagers as they navigate the social order of teenagerhood. Although hurt feelings may seem insignificant or small, there’s a lot more to it than you might think. We talk in depth about how to approach a teenager who’s feeling a sudden loss in status, and how to remind them that it’s not life or death, even if it may feel that way.

Pushing Teens Out of the Nest

After we help our teens learn how to move through the world safely and survive the ups and downs of status, it’s time for us to step back and let them figure it all out on their own...right? We don’t want them to be overly coddled, living at home until they’re thirty!

We hope that kids will be able to adapt and develop the skills to get by without us. That’s why we can sometimes be bothered by the possibility that teens will stick around longer than we might expect.

You might be familiar with the image of a young bird being pushed out of its nest by its mother, so it can spread its wings and learn to fly. It’s often used as an analogy for parents pressuring young adults to learn to make it on their own, in order to keep them from becoming too reliant on having parents to take care of them.

However, Barbara and Kathryn are here to tell you that in several different species of birds, older offspring stick around to help parents take care of the younger ones. In some cases, birds leave the nest of their parents for a period and experience independence, but come back for what’s called “extended parental care.”

Although it may feel unnatural or uncomfortable for teens to take a little bit longer to leave the nest, humans are not the only species that exhibits this behavior. It’s totally normal for young adults to take a little extra time to figure things out.

In the episode, we chat about how every teen, just like every species, is different. When it comes to watching teens grow and change, there is no normal! What Barbara and Kathryn want to remind us is that the animal kingdom is full of diversity and variation, and so are our teens. No one teenager is going to be the same, and there’s no script for how to be the perfect parent.

In the Episode…

In addition to these topics, Kathryn, Barbara and I discuss all kinds of ways studying the animal kingdom can help us contextualize the struggles our own teenagers are facing. By looking at animal science as a basis for human behavior, we can find ways to to start conversations about important things like sexual communication, maturity, social adjustment, etc. We cover:

Why teens of all species are bad at assessing risk...and what to do mitigate it
The importance of near-misses
Why teens are drawn to horror films and pornography
How hard-wired adolescent beh...

Ep 102: Is Your Teen’s Tech Use Healthy, Junky, or Toxic? Sep 06, 2020

Dr. Shimi Kang, author of The Tech Solution and Dolphin Parenting, spreads the word on the three types of tech use (toxic, junk, & healthy) and the consequences of each. Plus how to manage any new apps that teens might get into.

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Full show notes

Technology is not going away, but it can feel like our teens have been looking at a screen for half their lives. With so many new distracting gadgets and apps, it’s often overwhelming to monitor our teen’s usage--not to mention try to keep an eye on our own!

It’s important to make sure teens gain an understanding of how tech and apps work. They will likely have to use various softwares and apps when they join the workforce, and they need to know how to adapt to new tech. But striking a balance between the good tech and the bad tech is tricky.

This week, Dr. Shimi Kang, author of The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for Kids Growing Up in a Digital World, clues me in on how different types of tech are hurting and helping teen’s developing brains--and what to do if you’ve already tried and failed to pry a phone from your screen-addicted teen.

As addiction psychiatrist, Dr. Kang noticed an increasing number of teens and young adults in her practice with tech-addiction. Some of her patients can feel their anxiety rise from simply parting with their phone during a session. Parents she spoke with reported such extremes as violence when taking away phones or shutting off gaming consoles or wifi.

Dr. Kang recognizes that there will always be a new addicting app around the corner. Through her research for the book, she also uncovered the truth that technology incorporates “persuasive design.” Persuasive design means the websites, app, and gadgets we use are designed to be addictive—the more people use a website or an app, the longer the makers have to expose users to advertisements and up-sells.

This is not to say technology is bad—we have technology to thank for plenty of advancements and improvements. Dr. Kang argues it is the way in which we engage with tech that determines whether we can consider it good or bad.

The three types of tech use Dr. Kang has come up with are: toxic tech, junk tech, and healthy tech. In today’s episode we cover what each one looks like and how to help your teen self-regulate their tech use.

Toxic tech

From brain imaging researchers have been able to identify that certain technology use causes spikes in the stress hormone cortisol. Too much of the stress hormone cortisol has been linked to anxiety, depression, irritability, and even physical problems like high blood pressure and stomach ulcers.

What might toxic tech look like with a teen? While it’s unlikely your teen will develop stomach ulcers from toxic tech use alone, as the name implies, toxic tech should be avoided. Shimi suggests social media as the big toxic tech to avoid. Teens compare themselves to the perfect looking celebrities they see on social media which can cause feelings of inferiority and therefore trigger stress. Receiving negative comments or being bullied, seeing violent or graphic content, even reading through a fiery comment feud, all have the potential to spike cortisol.

It is probably impossible to avoid all the toxic tech there is out there, but it should be limited as much as possible.

Junk Tech

Junk tech is the type of tech that is most addicting. Junk tech makes use of the brain’s dopamine reward system, which is how teens and even adults can get addicted to silly games like Candy Crush and Angry Birds. The “persuasive design” of apps and sites like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, video streaming (e.g. Netflix) also have teens glued to their screen as they double-tap and “like” posts only to glance up and find hours have passed since they first logged on!

Junk tech does not increase cortisol, but the mindless nature of endless scrolling on Instagram or autoplay on Netflix not only becomes a huge time suck, but is a passive activity for the brain.

At a time when brains are developing their dopamine pathways, it’s important to help our teens set limits on how much junk tech they consume. Instead of just tuning in to TikTok, an alternative could be creating one which turns junk tech into healthy tech.

Healthy Tech

To determine if something is healthy tech, Dr. Kang says it should fall into one of the three Cs: care (self-care), connection, or creativity. Making a TikTok instead of just watching a hundred of them, would involve creativity—if your teen makes a TikTok with someone else, you can even count it as “connection” too!

FaceTiming with a friend (connection), using a meditation app (care), tracking your steps/sleep on a Fitbit (care), building a website (creativity), or using video editing software (creativity) are all healthy tech use according to Shimi.

Instead of having to make up new rules for each app or site, Dr. Kang says to make rules around the three types of tech instead. Determine as a family how much of each would be appropriate. Adults and kids will probably have different rules as more adult responsibilities such as bill paying move online. If your child is doing remote schooling, you can add allowances for screen time as related to classwork.

Again, as Dr. Kang asserts, technology is here to stay—we need to help teens learn to navigate tech on their own, including how to self-regulate. Using the three types of tech as a framework, and explaining the science of the hormones behind each can help teens understand that rules around tech are not to control them, but to help eliminate stressful, toxic tech; limit junk tech; and expand healthy tech.

In addition to our discussion on the three types of tech use, Shimi and I cover:

How to bring up tech limits if you are getting a late start
Why it’s important to be a “dolphin parent”
What you can do if your teens call you out on your tech use
A visualization script to prepare teens to overcome obstacles and achieve their goals
What you know about the increasing incidents of burnout among teens

Dr. Shimi has so much experience as a practicing addiction psychiatrist and author of two parenting books—I’m so excited to share her expertise on technology use with you, our listeners!

Ep 101: Connect Deeper with Vulnerability Aug 30, 2020

Kari Kampakis, author of Love Her Well, joins Andy for a heartfelt discussion on parenting mistakes and repairing hurt relationships with our teens. Cat’s out of the bag: out teens know we’re not perfect!

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Full show notes

It’s not always easy to be pleasant as a parent, especially when your teens push your buttons, blow off curfew, or “forget” to unload the dishwasher, no matter how many times you gently remind them. As young people still figuring out the world, teenagers can be unpredictable in their emotions and wants. Having a good relationship with your teen is important, but having to keep your teen in line makes for a hard balance.

And when your teenager is acting crazy and just not listening, how can you make sure they start behaving without bringing your relationship to the brink of destruction? How can you set rules and boundaries while also keeping your teens trust? It seems like sometimes there’s just no easy way to maintain a solid relationship with your teenager when they are driving you up the wall.

But our guest today has faith that as parents, we were born for these challenges. Kari Kampakis, author of Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Love and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter and mother of four teen/tween daughters(!), is chock full of wisdom about how to be a more wise and graceful parent. Kari believes that as parents we can form strong, loving bonds with our kids and still nudge them towards becoming healthy, respectable adults. Whether you’re looking to empower your kids when they’ve made a mistake or just looking for ways to balance setting boundaries with fun, Kari has you covered.

How We Can “Speak Life” to Our Teens

Teenagers today are dealing with a lot of responsibilities, obstacles, and cultural expectations, so Kari says bringing positivity as a parent can be super valuable. When kids are acting crazy, it might be because they’re frustrated and overwhelmed--meaning they need you to be an ally, not an enemy. They may be dealing with more than you think, and may be more critical of themselves than you’d imagine...which is why it can be really tough for them to face your criticism as well.

So what positive things can we say to them that will help ease all this craziness? In her book, Kari presents a list of 35 ways we can “speak life” to our teens. This could be anything from asking them, “What can I do for you this week?”, to just reminding them that they are smart and capable of handling life’s obstacles. In the episode, Kari dives into the philosophy behind this idea, and her experience doing this with her own kids.

This positivity doesn’t just apply to kids, it applies to parents too! How can you expect to be positive with your kids if you can’t be positive with yourself? You’re likely just as overwhelmed, with a schedule full of carpooling, cooking, or career obligations. In our conversation, Kari explains to me how you can get better at forgiving yourself when we mess up, and empower yourself when life gets you down. Being a positive parent includes going a little easier on yourself as well, understanding that you and your teen are both doing the best you can.

Now, Kari knows from her own experiences with motherhood that constant positivity isn't always realistic. Sometimes teens just make you want to scream, shout and pull your hair out! In the episode, Kari emphasizes the importance of not taking your anger out on your kids, however, and shares how you can find other ways to vent all that frustration.

Although an outburst may seem harmless to you, Kari explains how kids remember what you say. When you want to yell and scream, it might be better to just breathe and remind yourself that a more positive approach can help you and your teen get to the root of whatever it is you’re fighting about instead of just digging a deeper divide.

Balancing Positive and Negative Reinforcement

It’s hard not to feel that urge to be negative, however, when your teenager comes home late, refusing to tell you who they were with or what they were doing. How are you supposed to smile and stay positive when you’re infuriated and want to angrily remind them they have a curfew? Kari knows this feeling well, and talks a lot in the episode about the challenges of setting rules while also trying to maintain a positive relationship with your teen. Interestingly, she says that the goal is not necessarily for our kids like us when they’re sixteen, but to respect us when they're forty.

By this Kari means that even though it can be hard to find the right words, it’s important that we step in and give our kids some rules that they’ll appreciate in thirty years. Although they may not like us now, they’ll thank us later.

But if we're being tough on kids, where does positivity come into play? Kari explains in our conversation how, when kids mess up, you can let them know you’re disappointed while also being there for them as they grow from their mistakes. If we can remind kids that we love them unconditionally, even when we don’t approve of their behavior, we can help them learn from risky behavior instead of reverting back to it.

For example, say your son fails his calculus exam because he chose to play his xbox instead of crack open the books. You could yell at him, sure, but will that really help? Kari says no. Instead, she suggests letting him know you expect more from him. It could be valuable to remind him that you think he’s smart and hardworking––that way, when he goes to text his next exam, he might see himself that way and study a little harder.

Kari is a big proponent of using positive affirmations to remind your teen that you hold them to a high standard. By telling kids that they’re capable, tough, and kind, we can prepare them to handle the unpredictable journey of life without falling too far off the path. It’s like the great sculptor, Michelangelo, envisioning a brilliant work of art in a block of marble before it’s even carved. Your child might not know how great they are, but by recognizing their potential, we can ensure that they grow up to amaze the world.

In the Episode...

Kari and I have a great conversation about how a positive attitude can be a powerful parenting tool. Along with her tips on staying positive and balancing discipline with praise, we talk about:

What inspired write a book for parents
How we can be better at listening and empathizing with teens
When it might be better to let teens forge their own way forward
How cultural stereotypes about gender may be hurting your kids
35 ways you and your teen can spend more time together

I’m really thankful to Kari for coming on the podcast today to share her unique perspective on parenting. If you want to check out some more of Kari’s work, you can go to her website, karikampakis.com where you can check out her blog, her other two books and her podcast! Hope you enjoy this episode and we’ll see you next week.

Ep 100: Artistic Teen? Time to Get Creative... Aug 23, 2020

Bill Deresiewicz, bestselling author and our first ever guest on the show, re-joins us for our 100th episode to talk about his latest book The Death of the Artist. We discuss if art is even a worthy pursuit for young people today and if so, what can young people expect.

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When our kid says they want to pursue art as a career, we can sometimes be hesitant to support them. We have no doubt that they’re talented: we’ve seen them receive standing ovations at the end of a musical theater performance, rack up trophies and medals for photography, maybe even have their creative writing featured in the local paper. But that’s now--pursuing work as an adult creative conjures up the image of the starving artists, of young people struggling financially and emotionally as they try desperately to make it big in the fast paced world of art and entertainment.

We want our kids to be financially stable, instead of living hand to mouth. Should we be encouraging our kids to pursue careers as bankers and programmers, even though it means they’re talent will go to waste? Can our kids really make enough money from their art to live happy and healthy lives?

If only someone could tell us what it’s like to pursue a life as an artist in the modern age, so we could know if a stable future in the arts is truly possible. If only there was a person out there who knows exactly why it’s hard to make money as an artist, and whether or not we should encourage our kids to go after a career in art…

Luckily, our guest today, Bill Deresiewicz, knows a thing or two (and much more) about artists in today’s world. He interviewed almost 200 artists—-filmmakers, writers, illustrators, and more—-for his recent book, The Death of the Artist: How Creators are Struggling to Survive in the Age of Billionaires and Big Tech. In his book and our interview, Bill dives deep into the realities of being a modern creative.

In today’s episode, he explains why he thinks young people should continue to pursue careers in the arts, even though it's harder than ever to break through. He talks about the serious obstacles facing artists today, but also the important role art plays in our society and in the lives of young artists.

The Value of Art and Artists

Many kids spend their whole life thinking they’re unintelligent because they aren’t great in a traditional classroom setting, can’t solve equations or memorize dates--until they discover art. Suddenly they find that they have a treasure trove of talent and buckets of passion. They may have been called lazy or stupid for not execlling in chemistry, but what they really needed was someone to hand them some sheet music or a camera.

Bill speaks on how our education often mistreats these kids, how they aren’t taught to foster their talents. Instead, they are put into certain boxes that they just don’t fit into, and are constantly being told they’re just not as capable as other kids. If we can give these kids a chance to flourish, they can become shining stars, instead of barely keeping up.

Ok, you might be saying to yourself, but what about that whole financial stability thing? Sure, some kids are better at art than math, but if we know there’s not a lot of money in art, wouldn’t it be more valuable to just find a better math tutor? What could they possibly gain from painting or dancing that could equate to time spent doing calculus?

Actually, there’s a lot of incredible, widely applicable things our kids can learn from practicing in the arts. Bill tells a great anecdote that demonstrates this. He interviewed a professor of theater for his book, who talked all about an enlightening experience she had running into an old student. The student had studied theatrical lighting design, but had gone on to become a manager at a major electronics company. As she told the professor, the student got her start with the company through theater work. Not only that, she credited theater with giving her all the skills that made her qualified to be a manager: the ability to meet a deadline, to finish projects under budget, and to collaborate with others towards a common goal.

We often overlook arts education, but it can be more valuable for our teens than we might think. If kids are passionate about art and spend time perfecting their craft, they’ll learn skills that transcend far beyond watercolors or improv. They’ll learn dedication, self efficacy, and grit. Then, even if they decide to branch away from the arts at some point in their life, they’ll be able to carry these skills into other roles and occupations.

It’s easy to dismiss young artists, but when it comes down to it, we all need a little art in our lives. Whether it’s the TV shows we watch to unwind after a stressful day or the tunes we listen to on the radio while driving to the grocery store, art makes life a little more enjoyable. This raises the question however: if we all need art, why is it so hard to make a living as an artist?

Why Modern Artists are Struggling

We know that creating works of art is never going to be as stable as crunching numbers or prescribing medication, but Bill says making money as an artist is even more difficult now than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Why?

Bill points to the fact that nowadays, a lot of music, film, and visual art is available for free or cheap online. Instead of paying $20 for a DVD copy of a movie, you can find it online at a free website where pirated films are bountiful. Instead of buying a book in hard copy, you can probably find a PDF online somewhere you can download at no cost.

It’s not just piracy driving this free-art society; there's been a general cultural shift. People have gotten used to enjoying music and movies without being charged, whether that’s on Instagram, Spotify, or Youtube. These platforms make it easy for artists to upload—-no labels, publishers, or managers necessary—-but they also don’t provide an easy way for creators to make money.

Even if there is a wider audience online with more accessible materials and outlets, it doesn’t mean your teenager will be able to stand out against the millions of other people putting art online. Nowadays comercial book publishers publish about 75,000 books a year—-meanwhile, there are about 1 million books self published online in the same amount of time. With all that competition, it’s hard for your teen to stand out. This in turn makes it difficult to make any money.

So when it comes down to it, is it a good idea for our kids to pursue a living in art? And how can we make art a more feasible career for young people?

In the Episode….

Bill answers these questions and many more in our conversation. He’s talked to working professionals from many different fields of artistic expression: film and television, visual art, writing and music--all with varying degrees of career success. His tips provide a lot of context for the parent of any teen hoping to make a career out of creativity. We talk about:

Why we expect artists to work for free--and why we think art should be free
How opting out of a creative career can be just as brave as pursuing it
What we can say to our teens about what to expect in career as an artists
Why only 1% of creators are making most of the money in the industry

Ep 99: “Mom! Dad! Can I Have Some Money?” Aug 16, 2020

Chris Farrell, co-author of ReThink Money for Children and Teens and co-founder of FUNancial Freedom, shares his passion for teaching teens money management. Say goodbye to the days of allowance and hello to a future with a financially independent teen!

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Talking to our kids about finances can be a chore: terms like “good debt,” “credit score,” and “interests rates” tend to make most people’s eyes glaze over. Besides that hurdle, it feels like as parents we have to know all the ins and outs of money and wealth to get our teens to pay attention. Most parents might just throw up their hands and rely on schools and colleges to fill in the gaps. Let’s just hope our teens get jobs that have a good retirement plan with full benefits...and that they stay in that job for their career.

But what if talking to our teens about money now was guaranteed to make them wealthier in the future?

It’s not a pipe dream—in fact, the evidence (and this week’s guest) suggests getting teens financially literate is one of the most important things to do now to prepare them for stability as an adult. As we’ve now seen with sex education, the less information a teen is given, the more likely they are to take uneducated risks, which could put their future on hold.

We can set our teens up for success by helping them learn good money habits now—whether or not we have good money habits ourselves! while they’re young will lead to a lifetime of responsibility with the dollar. Not to mention, if their finances are in check, their life will run a little smoother in all areas--allowing them to grow up and become their best selves.

So how can we talk to teenagers about finances in a way that excites them? That’s what our guest today, Chris Farrell, is all about. He’s the founder of FUNancial Freedom, an organization aimed at getting kids and teenagers interested in business personal money management. His book, Rethink Money for Children and Teens, is a guide to help your teenager transform themselves from totally-clueless-about-money to a business whiz. His goal is to make finance fun, and to lead kids towards more prosperous financial futures.

And the best way to do that according to Chris and FUNancial Freedom is to throw kids right into the maw of entrepreneurship.

Learning About Money Through Entrepreneurship

Chris believes all kids can (and should) experiment with running a business. Project-based or hands-on learning is often the most impactful when it comes to remembering concepts and internalizing information. As Chris says, it’s also by doing that kids and teens become more confident and self-assured in their abilities.

If you’re thinking your kid could no way handle running their own business, Chris says you might be surprised. With the numerous online marketplaces as well as remaining “traditional” ways to earn, getting a business started today can be as simple as having a smartphone and an email.

Of course, your teen might need your help with a few of the finer points, like attaching business accounts to personal checking accounts or memorizing their social security number. But in Chris’s experience, on the technology side of entrepreneurship, today’s teens seem to pick it up at lightning speed.

To get your teen on their way you can use the FUNancial Freedom’s LEAP method, which starts first with the Learning piece--however, most teens might be eager to jump into the Earning part, and then realize they need some of that Learning to be Earning. The next piece to help kids then Accelerate. In layman’s/-woman’s terms, the Accelerate phase is about discovering how to save and invest--in their business and themselves. Lastly, P is for Play, the phase where teens and kids set financial goals and explore all the fun ways to use what they’ve earned to make the world a better, more fun place.

Having Fun Starts with an Abundance Mindset

As Chris notes, making money is about more than just dollars and cents: it’s about having more choices, less stress, and the ability to make the world a better place. In America, money or personal finances consistently tops the list of the number one stressor in people’s lives. Money might not be able to give you purpose in life, and just because you have mo’ money doesn’t mean you have less problems; but surveys of American households do show that having at a minimum, financial stability, greatly increases life satisfaction.

Just think of how amazing it would feel to pick up the tab at dinner, treat the whole table, and not stress about the dollar amount on the bill. What if your teen could do that? Not worrying about the dollar amount so much is what Chris calls an “abundance mindset.” The opposite is how most people operate: a “scarcity mindset.” When you go to a restaurant the first thing most people do is look to the right side of the menu--where all the prices are. Many people even base their food and beverage choices on how much money they are willing to spend that evening. There’s nothing wrong with that--being frugal and investigating coupon apps is usually a good thing. But many parents may wish for something different for their teens.

An abundance mindset starts with proper money management. It’s not just about having enough to spend, but it’s also about switching one’s mindset: just because one person has a lot, doesn’t mean there is less for other people. There is a lot of money in the world and there are people, companies, and organizations ready to spend it. As some of the great motivational speakers of the last century proclaimed: “If you help enough people get what they want, you can have everything you want.”

Money is useful as a commodity, but it can also be a great tool through which to teach life lessons and instill values.

Instill Values Through Business

Along with all of his financial tips, Chris emphasizes the importance of helping teens define their values and priorities. When they spend money, what do they typically spend it on? Books? Gym memberships? Events with friends? Concert tickets? Traveling?

What we spend our money on is often the same as what we spend our time on. And we spend time on things that matter to us, things that we value. As Chris mentioned, some people will always make sure to have a gym membership, no matter what the budget is, because fitness and health is important to them, it’s one of their core values.

Having money means being able to “spend” on what matters to us, but it also means having the ability to live our values in a more impactful way. Chris and FUNancial Freedom strongly believe in teaching teens not just how to earn, save and invest, but also in the joy of giving and using money to make a difference in our communities.

In addition to the LEAP methodology, in our interview we cover:

The 50-20-20-10 rule for managing income
How to explain the difference between good debt and bad debt
The number one piece of advice Warren Buffet gives about money
Why it’s never been easier to start a business
Additional online resources to help teens earn money

Ep 98: From Insecure to Marvelous Aug 09, 2020

Shanterra McBride, author of Love Your Jiggle and founder of Marvelous University, joins Andy for a talk on how to help our teens through their most awkward years and what to do to prepare them for the big world ahead.

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Being a tween and becoming an adult is an awkward time not just for tweens, but for their parents! Bodies are changing, friendships are growing more complicated, and your once confident child may appear to be folding in on themselves, pulling away from the world, just at the moment when they need to learn how to be on their own in it!

Instead of being able to tune in more accurately to their own voice, our teens are increasingly confronted with a myriad of messages on who to befriend, how to behave, and what to wear. With so many companies and personalities vying for our teens attention, it can feel like there’s no room for the voice of a parent.

But teens, arguably more now than ever, need a steady parental presence...

This week’s guest Shanterra McBride gets it. She knows from her own experiences mentoring and educating youth that parenting is hard. She also deeply and truly believes that, parents, you can do this.

Shanterra McBride is the author of Love Your Jiggle: The Girls’ Guide To Being Marvelous and founder of Marvelous University. Although Shanterra’s book centers on girls, her experience in education has led her to work with teens of all genders and ages. She knows that insecurities and awkwardness during the adolescent years hit us all hard—and that sometimes all it takes for a teen to feel okay at the end of the day is for a parent to just listen.

McBride discovered her passion for working with teens as volunteer in AmeriCorps. Placed in what at the time was considered the worst school in Washington, D.C., Shanterra found her calling in helping awkward, insecure, and misled “ducklings” turn into marvelous swans.

Shanterra realized three main areas thwarting teen success and came up with unique ways to tackle each.

First, every teen she met had body image issues —even before the days of Instagram and TikTok. While we often think of “body image” as a girl-specific issue, for young people going through puberty no one is exempt from having a complicated relationship with their body.

At a time of such physical and obvious changes, there is already plenty for a teen to be self conscious about. Throw in an aunt’s comment to your daughter about her “new boobs” or an uncle’s tease directed at your son and his “puny muscles” and your teen might just want to run from the house screaming of embarrassment.

Whether your teen is an early or late bloomer, as skinny as a stick or with extra jiggle, Shanterra explains that we need to get teens focusing on what their body can do, not just what it looks like. Different bodies can do different things and we can help our teens appreciate their own physicality by reminding them of this. Shanterra goes so far as to recommend telling your teen to spend some time looking at themself in the mirror—seriously! Before jumping to a judgment on this idea, consider that your teen should know and make their own decisions about their body before others tell them what to think and feel about your teen’s shape, size, or color.

To lessen the already fraught feelings around our teens changing bodies, Shanterra prefers to use the word “jiggle.” She acknowledges such a silly sounding the word immediately disarms teens. And she insists that “jiggle” means a person’s whole body...not just the parts that can actually “jiggle”. Loving your jiggle then, is embracing your whole self and everything your body and mind can do as well as all the potential inside! What an incredible gift the power of a healthy self image is for teens.

The second big issue teens face that Shanterra identifies revolves around friendships. She realized teens, particularly “new” teens look at friendship all wrong.

Teens navigating the new and more intense social hierarchies of middle school and high school may lose sight of what friendship is truly about. Instead of choosing friends based on honesty, mutual respect, and shared interests for example, Shanterra saw adolescents making friends based on what relationships they thought would elevate them in the eyes of the group. Using relationships as a means to an end, like popularity, is not the lesson we want our teens to learn, particularly if we want them to become adults with healthy relationships.

Although it’s difficult to watch a child struggle with friendship drama, parents can help nudge kids in the right direction. Shanterra suggests parents can step in by helping their teen pause to contemplate what characteristics would be good to have in a friend...and which characteristics your teen is putting forth. And when drama does happen, not jumping in and getting riled up, but pausing again to encourage contemplation instead of snap judgements.

Of course, usually what a teen will want most is just an ear to listen, and maybe someone to talk things through with.

Which brings us to the final issue of unmet needs in teens. The three needs are independence, connection, and mastery. We’ve already seen how with friendships teens might be struggling with connection. But what about independence and mastery?

In our interview, Shanterra touches on how although our teens might still be “kids” in our eyes, they are ready for increased independence. Shanterra has seen so many teens worn out from being told what grades to get, what activities to do, when to get their chores done, who to be friends with, etc. To make sure your teen’s need for independence is met, give them age-appropriate responsibilities and consider collaborating on any household policies or rules. For example, together deciding on a curfew and what consequences there would be in the event the curfew is broken. Your teen needs to feel that they have some control over their own life.

When it comes to mastery, Shanterra is referring to developing skills. As parents we should avoid rewarding our teen for simply “showing up”—after all, we don’t get paid to just “show up” to work, we have to do the work that is required of us. We should absolutely celebrate and congratulate our teens when they hit a goal or milestone, and we should absolutely be emphasizing the work they put in to get to those markers. You don’t have to win the championship trophy to have a met need of mastery—but you do need to perform and work hard in that final game if you plan on walking away with a sense of accomplishment.

Throughout all this, it can be all to easy to forget that parents have needs too! Luckily to make things simple, they are the same as teens: independence, mastery (competence), and connection. Parents also need to feel that they have control over their life, are connected to others, and have something they are good or getting better at...which in some cases might be parenting!

In this episode we cover:

How to help your teen “pause” during friendship troubles
Body image issues male teens might face
The overlap between parent and teen needs
Why it’s important to give teens feedback now
A pep talk for any parents who are ...

Ep 97: One Trusted Adult Aug 02, 2020

Brooklyn Raney, author of One Trusted Adult, shares with Andy what she’s seen works with teens as a mentor, high school dean, camp director, and parent herself. Having support at home is important for teens, but having just one trusted adult outside the home can be even more impactful.

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Helping your teenager approach independence is hard. You want to make sure they know how to make their own choices so they’re prepared for adulthood--but you want them to always make the right choices. You want them to have autonomy and take care of things on their own--as long as they do it the way you want.

Even though it might be tempting to always take control and step in when your kid is making tough decisions, sometimes you just need to let your teenager learn on their own. If you constantly insert yourself in your teenager’s choices, they’re not going to be able to handle life’s crazy obstacles when they no longer have you to guide them through every little thing. Sometimes, you just need to let go and watch your teenager go at the world themselves.

Brooklyn Raney has a lot to say about the benefits of letting go. She’s a speaker, teacher, and educator, and the author of One Trusted Adult: How to Build Strong Connections and Healthy Boundaries with Young People. She also runs a leadership camp for girls which helps teach young women about teamwork and resilience, and is a high school dean. Her work has helped parents, kids and educators everywhere learn the value of letting go.

She compares raising a child to raising a baby bird. If young birds are given too much assistance when they’re young and fragile, then they never learn to fly. Similarly, if teenagers are controlled and micromanaged, they’ll never develop the critical thinking and decision making skills that are necessary to becoming a functional adult.

As an educator, Brooklyn has seen this principle in action. When several of her students were using the social media app Yik Yak to anonymously bully other students, she and her fellow faculty members had a tough time figuring out the best solution. They tried issuing a message over the platform, but they were only met with disdain--and the bullying continued. Finally, a group of students decided to band together and drown out the negative comments by posting a massive influx of positive ones. It ended up working even better than they imagined.

It just goes to show that if we can invest in the abilities of young people, we can help them grow to become independent and innovative. Instead of trying to step in and control the situation, let them work it out and learn from thinking critically to reach an effective solution.

As a parent, helping a teenager grow more independent means helping a teenager learn to handle their own emotions. Brooklyn breaks down how to practice the principle of letting go when helping a child work through a personal issue. She says one of the most simple, helpful, and unobtrusive gestures you can partake in when comforting a troubled teen is simply asking them whether or not they would like advice. Inquire if they’d prefer your opinion or if they would just like you to listen.

In doing this, you’re not telling them how to live or act. You’re allowing them to make a choice and practice autonomy. At the same time, you’re showing them you’re still there for them emotionally and can offer advice if needed. Many times, teenagers don’t really want or need to be given advice. They just want a trusted adult to listen to their problem and offer some comfort, so that they can continue working through the problem in their own way on their own time.

This is a very important idea: a trusted adult during the teen years is key to ensuring a person’s mental health remains strong in their lifetime. In the episode, Brooklyn cites research that has proven this concept again and again. This trusted figure can be a parent, but it can also be someone outside the home such as a coach, teacher, aunt, uncle, etc. If the non-parent mentor is connected to the parents in some way, that’s even better.

Brooklyn gives a great example in the episode. Her story delves into her son’s incident with his school’s administration regarding a vape pen. He was sent home for having the pen at school, and although his father administered an articulate, powerful talk on why this is unacceptable, Brooklyn’s son didn’t seem to be receptive to any verbal reinforcement. Later on, however, his drum teacher delivered to him a very similar speech about the dangers of vaping, and he was held in rapt attention and seemed to get the message.

While it may be frustrating that your teenager trusts another adult that isn’t you, the important thing is making sure there is someone in their lives whom they listen to and connect with. If teens have a trusting, healthy relationship with an adult who can help guide them through life, they’ll enter adulthood with more grit and more problem solving abilities.

When it comes to this independent decision making, your teenager may not always know what they want. One day, they adopt a particular identity, and the next day, they’re a totally different person. While this may feel disorienting or frustrating for you, Brooklyn reminds us that it’s important to remember: all humans are flexible, fluid people. Young people are especially elastic, as they are still searching for the permanent aspects of their identity.

One great way to help your teenager through this is to model the fluidity of identity in your own life. If you show that you’re open to change, you will help your teenager to see that it’s natural to continue to evolve and grow as an individual far past teenagerhood. It’s especially important for your kids to see you fail, learn from your mistakes and adapt. If they see this resilience in you, then they are likely to understand how they can apply it to their own lives.

Teenagers will always struggle with identity; it’s part of being young. Brooklyn talks for a while on the idea of ensuring that teens have a varied identity. This means making sure teenagers don’t put all their eggs in one basket, making certain that they think of themselves as nuanced and complicated individuals with more than just one thing to offer the world. She uses the example of her own teenage self, who identified solely as a good hockey player. Whenever she lost a game or made a mistake while playing, she felt although she no longer had anything to offer the world.

If we help teens see themselves as well rounded individuals with multiple interests, skills, and offerings, we can help them gain self efficacy and become more independent and successful in the real world.

When it comes down to it, watching your teenager become autonomous can be truly terrifying. You’re afraid that if you don’t step in, they’ll make bad choices that affect them for years to come. At the same time, you don't want to control them to the point where they aren’t able to make their own choices when they reach adulthood.

Don’t fear; Brooklyn is here. She’s got lots of advice to help you figure out what’s going on inside your teenager’s head and how you can help them transition into adult life. In the episode, we cover

The difference between preventative and responsive mentorship
Why we like to put teenagers in boxes
How to set up boundaries while maintaining trust
The importance of feedback...

Ep 96: Getting Over the Awkwardness to Talk About Sex Jul 26, 2020

Cindy Pierce, author of Sexploitation and Sex, College, and Social Media, brings her immense knowledge and humorous vibes to this week’s episode. Porn is wreaking havoc on our teens’ sexual development, but, fortunately, Cindy has ways parents can help undo the deleterious effects.

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Talking to teens about sex is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. Initiation discussion about the birds and the bees can be very confusing, messy, and just plain awkward! Not only that, but teenagers can be very resistant to opening up and talking about sex even if they have questions and want clarification on the subject.

No matter how uncomfortable or difficult talking to your teenager about sex and relationships is, it’s a crucial part of helping your child to grow up happy and healthy. Kids today are exposed to sexual content from a very young age, with the internet providing an infinite amount of pornographic content. While knowing about sex from a young age is ok, kids should be learning the facts from an educational, honest source rather than porn. The porn industry, more concerned with making money than protecting the minds and hearts of young people, often portrays sex as degrading, violent, and often not even consensual.

Sound terrifying? I’m scared too! That’s why I’m sitting down with Cindy Pierce in today’s episode. Cindy is the author of several different books that tell you how to talk to teens about sex: Sexploitation: Helping Kids Develop Healthy Sexuality in a Porn-Driven World and Sex, College, and Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture. She also travels around to schools across the country to educate teenagers, parents, and college students about sex.

She reveals fascinating and shocking things about how kids today are learning about sex as well as great tips to master talking to teens about sex. Cindy also shines light on a lot of the questions teenage and college aged people have about sex, relationships, and porn.

For example, she reveals that in her experience, most kids in the modern day are exposed to sex and even pornography by the age of 9. This is why one of Cindy’s biggest tips for parents is to start talking to your teenager about sex and relationships from as young as ages 5-7. This doesn’t have to be a full briefing, but instead a safe, simple explanation about biology and the reasons why people decide to copulate.

It may seem a little early to start talking to teens about sex, but it’s easy for children to be exposed to porn and be confused and manipulated from a young age. We want our kids to understand that sex is meant to be between two consenting adults who care about one another and communicate effectively. Instead, they may begin to believe that the degrading and often violent sex they see in porn is the same as real life sex--and we know it’s not.

By talking to teens about sex and relationships early, you’re also establishing an important connection with your kids that lasts, a certain trust. It helps you open up a safe space to talk about complicated subjects. Then, as they grow up and begin to experience the myriad of problems that comes with growing up, they’ll know they can come to you for advice and that golden parental wisdom instead of the internet.

Nervous about initiating discussion? Wondering how to talk to your teenager about pornography without saying the wrong thing ? Cindy also shares some tips for how to make sure that when you give the talk, you give it right. One thing she recommends is vulnerability. It’s easy to feel pressure to be a perfect parent, but you’re only human. It’s much healthier and more productive to talk openly about your experiences and be honest when you don’t know all the answers.

Although it would be nice if there was a secret to success when it comes to talking to teenager about sex and realtionships, there’s no one way to approach your child about these topics. This is because all children are different, with different personalities, fears, and interests. Every kid is unique, and struggles with their own complicated relationship with intimacy and sexuality.

Cindy speaks on the idea that talking to teens about sex is one that continues to evolve over time, not a static event. Instead of one specific instance in which the two of you sit down to discuss it all, the “talk” is really a shifting conversation which changes as your teenager grows. Keep communicating, keep up the dialogue about how to have safe, consenual sex to ensure that your teen develops and maintains a healthy relationship with the subject.

Speaking of changes, one of the biggest shifts in a teenager’s life is their transition into college life--and this transition includes new sexual experiences. College hookup culture creates a confusing environment for many young adults as they enter university.

This confusion and chaos is often the catalyst for, as Cindy puts it in the episode, below average sex. This means sex that is completed without trust, without communication, and often, without condoms! That’s why we need to be talking to teens about sex on a regular nasis and educating them about how to maintain self respect and sexual health while in college.

Cindy breaks down how this hook up culture during the early years of college is largely motivated by the need for high social status. With the addition of social media to the lives of young people, status and image has become more significant than ever for college students. Part of this image is who you decide to sleep with. This means that students are motivated to hook up with other students to garner respect from their peers, rather than to share an intimate, fun experience with someone they care about.

According to Cindy’s research, most college students actually report that they dislike hook up culture. Although it may seem like a convenient, no strings attached way to futile one’s physical need for intimacy, it can lead to a lot of traumatizing experiences, emotional damage, and, quite simply, unenjoyable sex. Often times communication between the two individuals is poor, leading to the lines of consent becoming blurred, the status of the relationship to be confusing and the sex to be bad.

Instead of promoting this kind of sexual experience, Cindy emphasizes the idea of happier, healthier sex that involves trust and consnent By listening to her ideas about how young people can form positive sexual habits, we can teach our kids about how to communicate better with their partners and keep themselves from getting hurt.

In the episode we cover:

The most awkward question to expect from your teen
Just how financially powerfully the porn industry is
What the impact of Covid-19 is on teen and college hook up culture
A myriad of internet resources for teens and kids of all ages to learn about sex
The importance of teaching about pleasure
Why teens and young men are suffering from erectile dysfunction despite their youth

Having "the talk" is already a daunting task for many parents--it may come as a shock that "the talk" actually should be an ongoing conversation. However for our teens healthy development into a full adult, having ongoing, in depth conversations about sex and sexuality is of the utmost importance. Tee...

Ep 95: The Truth About Alcohol Jul 19, 2020

Annie Grace, author of This Naked Mind and The Alcohol Experiment, dispels myths around alcohol with Andy and reveals her number one method for talking to teens about drinking.

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Drinking alcohol is a significant part of Western culture. Of Americans over 18, 86.3% say that they’ve tried alcohol and 55.3% report that they drink regularly. Nowhere is alcohol more culturally expected than in young adulthood. It’s almost assumed that college students will experiment with alcohol, and teenagers are becoming more and more likely to try alcohol before reaching adulthood.

But it’s nothing to worry about, right? Alcohol isn’t that dangerous, is it? Unfortunately, the science says otherwise. In a recent federal report which rated the harmfulness of various drugs, alcohol was rated far and wide the most dangerous drug, with heroin coming in far behind in second and crack in third.

How is this possible? The study examined the widespread dangers of different drugs on society as a whole, looking at how many people face serious damage from using. Alcohol is by far the deadliest, killing approximately 88,000 Americans a year. All illegal drugs combined kill about 22,000 a year, while pharmaceuticals kill 24,000. If we combine these two numbers, we can see that the amount of deaths caused by all other drugs is only around half of those caused by alcohol.

And yet, most people are more informed about the various risks of taking Advil than they are about the dangers of alcohol! Our guest today, Annie Grace, is determined to change this. She’s the author of the book This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness and Change Your Life.

The book is all about how to stop alcoholism with one simple tool--education. Annie dives into her own individual journey in the episode: how she developed a drinking problem in her mid twenties, how she tried all the traditional avenues of fixing the issue to no avail until finally, she decided to find her own unique way to tackle her alcoholism.

She asked herself and many, many others every question she could think of concerning alcohol use in order to get to the bottom of why we drink so much in America and how to stop. Does alcohol really help you to relieve stress? Is it truly an effective way to combat social anxiety? When Annie really took the time to become educated on the topic she found that, in the long run, alcohol actually ends up hurting those who consume it much more than it helps. Most of the time, drinking worsened the very problems people were using alcohol to solve.

Armed with this knowledge, Annie no longer felt the need to drink. Instead of fighting alcoholism the traditional way, a way in which the journey is viewed as a torturous uphill battle, Annie simply looked at the pros and cons and decided that there were no good reasons to keep drinking. In fact, she found that not drinking was a much more positive experience, so she just stopped doing it one day and never looked back.

Positivity plays a big role in Annie’s approach to curbing alcoholic behavior. Annie talks about how rarely we acknowledge the power of positivity when it comes to changing our habits. Instead of focusing on everything you’re giving up when you give up drinking, think instead about what you’re gaining: long term health, peace of mind, and freedom from addiction.

Annie took these ideas and compiled them into a pdf, which she then put online, expecting only friends and family to read it. Instead, the pdf was downloaded over 20,000 times in two weeks. After months of requests from fans of the pdf, Annie self published a book which contains all her experiences and methods. The book experienced great popularity, and became subject to a bidding war between five major publishers. Along with publishing another book, she also has a podcast, a website (thealcoholexpirement.com), and has been featured in Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, and more. People everywhere have begun adopting Annie’s strategy as an alternative to traditional treatment.

That’s because traditional treatment has a lot of issues, many of which we discuss in the episode. There’s a lot of things we believe about alcohol which—-according to Anna--are serious misconceptions. One of the biggest ones Annie and I discuss is the illusion of a binary system of classification when it comes to diagnosing alcoholism. As a society, we tend to separate people into two categories: alcoholic and non-alcoholic. This labeling causes a lot more problems than it solves.

One of the main issues with this is that it dissuades people from getting help. People assume that only those with genetic or personality disorders have alcohol issues. This makes them more hesitant to seek treatment, as they don’t want to be one of “those” people, the people with the problems.

On the other hand, those who do end up being diagnosed with alcoholism and going into treatment are faced with an extremely intense amount of scrutiny over their habits They are expected to be entirely sober, to the point where one drink becomes a major source of anxiety and fear. This is because they are seen as chemically addicted individuals with genetic disorders. However, Annie informs us that 90% of those who drink excessively are not found to be chemically dependent on alcohol. Most of the problem is their mentality towards drinking which, with Annie’s methods, can be fixed.

So many of these misconceptions are fed by the media, something we may not even be noticing. Annie explains that a lot of the time, information about alcoholism in the media is misconstrued or exaggerated because people don’t actually want to believe that alcohol is dangerous. As we interact with the media, we don’t want to read or share things that make us question our preconceived ideas or opinions. We want things that align with what we already believe and confirm what we already think.

What this means is that if we’re a regular drinker, as many Americans are, an article that makes us question our reality too much or has something negative to say about drinking is not one we’re going to circulate among our friends and family. Instead, we’re more likely to click on an article that tells us that red wine is good for our heart, or that it helps us live longer. According to Annie, most of these articles use research that is taken out of context and misconstrued. We don’t want to be susceptible to this--and we don’t want our teens to be susceptible either.

As parents, how can we talk to our kids about alcohol to make sure they aren’t led in the wrong direction by these misconceptions? Annie dives into this in the episode. In short, she says the key is to use vulnerability. Talk to your kid honestly about your own experiences and mistakes you’ve made in the past. Basically--keep it real! If you fill your child’s head with antagonizing notions about drinking that are filled with hypocrisy, they’re not going to listen to you, nor are they going to keep you informed on their own drinking.

Additionally, you want to model the behavior you want to see your children exhibit. Your habits are very influential on the choices your children make. How much and how often you drink sets a precedent for your child’s drinking habits.

With all that being said, alcohol is a very nuanced topic. Have no fear, however, Annie is here to give h...

Ep 94: Why Teens Run Wild & How to Keep Them Safe Jul 12, 2020

Dr. Jess Shatkin, author of Born to be Wild and expert in the field of child and adolescent psychiatry, clues us into why teens run wild and how we can help keep them safe. A still-developing brain and high levels of hormones mean parents have their work cut out for them!

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We have the “talk” with our teens and make sure they at least attend health class. We push our teens to get adequate sleep and nutrition. We put our teens through D.A.R.E. and make clear drugs and alcohol are not acceptable. And vandalism and stealing are against the law--we shouldn't even have to mention that to our teens.

So Why--why! we wonder, Why do teenagers still do these things!? And for Chrissake why is it always teens doing the misbehaving? You rarely see groups of 25 year old's, 40 year old's or (spry) 80 year old's participating in reckless and risky behaviors.

Adults--from parents to deans to coaches--devote so much time and energy into trying to teach adolescents the risks of misbehaving. From broken bones to trauma, we want to help our teens avoid threats to their physical and mental health—so why don’t teens act accordingly? Why are teenagers more likely to take risks than any other age group? Do they really think they’re invincible?

Teenage risk taking is more complicated than just a single platitude. It’s not just the fact that teen brain’s executive regions are under construction: an influx of hormones muddles things up along with intense peer pressure, whether real or perceived.

To understand the interaction between the biology and neurology of the teen brain, this week I spoke with Dr. Jess Shatkin, author of Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe. As a practicing psychiatrist in Manhattan and Vice Chair for Education and Professor of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry and Pediatrics at the NYU School of Medicine, Dr. Shatkin has been entrenched in the workings of the teenage brain for decades.

Dr. Shatkin was curious as to why teenagers make risky decisions even in his early days. The youngest of eight, he watched his older siblings morph and change, from tame tweens to wild teens to mature twentysomethings and adults. When Dr. Shatkin himself was a teen, he realized that he was making decisions he logically wouldn’t otherwise, had he been younger. And with older siblings to look up to, he knew he wouldn’t always feel so, well, wild.

While teenage risk taking is more common than we’d like, it turns out teens don’t actually think they are invincible, as many adults have come to believe. We’d be wrong to assume teens feel as invincible as we think they act.

When researchers actually began to ask teens if they think they’re invincible, a curious pattern emerged. Teenagers actually tend to overestimate the risk they face from certain activities. When prompted, most teenagers will say they believe they are around 90% likely to get pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex (the real number is somewhere around 20%). Some young people do believe that they are invincible, but from Jess’s studies, this is not due to age, but instead the personality of the individual. It’s the adults, in fact, who are more likely to feel a false sense of invincibility.

So then why are teenagers more likely to take risks if they are so certain that negative consequences will arise? As Jess explained to me, this can be largely attributed to evolution. Adolescence is when our body starts to develop the need to seem attractive to potential mates as well as adjust to any new changes in the environment. We suddenly experience an influx of hormones which encourage us to impress our peers by exhibiting our affinity for danger.

Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we want our peers to see us as cool, interesting, and sexy--good qualities in a viable mate. In one study Dr. Shatkin and I talked about, researchers used financial choices to assess young people’s changes in decision making. Every students who participated was given two options: get $200 immediately, or wait six months and receive $1,000. $1,000 is 4 times more than the $200--the choice should be easy! And for students that made the decision alone, it was. They all selected the delayed reward of the $1000. However, when the researchers had a student make the exact same decision but in front of one or more peers, the majority of students switched to taking the immediate $200. Even when the researchers just made participants think there was a peer watching from behind a one-way mirror, the students took the immediate reward. It was as if the logical processing power of the brain was turned off in the face of a peer nearby.

As parents, this might be alarming. The study has implications far beyond just missing out on $800. What if your teen follows their friends to a college that is exorbitantly expensive just because it is ‘cooler’? Or what if they put their life on the line when driving a peer home? You want your children to become responsible, respectable independent thinkers, not impulsive risk takers who are frighteningly susceptible to peer pressure! You’ve already warned them about the dangers of teenage risk taking and yet, they seem to insist on getting into trouble.

When it comes to helping our kids develop ways to muster through tempting risks, Dr. Shatkin reminds us that the language we use is of the utmost importance. Just telling kids that activities are risky does not make them less likely to participate in them. Take for example the high rates of teen pregnancy among teens who have been given the simple message of “don’t,” with no education around it.

Simply inundating teens with the same warning messages over and over, doesn’t lead to changed behavior. Instead of repeating how risky having unprotected sex is, you could have a conversation with your teen about what your teen could say or do when they find themselves in a heated and compromising situation. See our interview with Dr. Lisa Damour on helping teens develop more ways to say ‘no.’

And what is it that drives teens to seek out these risky situations? The answer is a hormone we more regularly associate with matters of lust: dopamine. But dopamine is not just for lovers. It is a vital hormone that drives us to take action, getting us excited about possibilities. Dopamine is intricately linked to reward circuitry and is at elevated levels during the teen years. Readers may already be familiar with the studies that show teens' brains look similar to the brains of gambling addicts under fMRI scans.

Dopamine spikes when we sense a reward is near--like thinking about an upcoming vacation or how impressed your peers will be if you snuck into your neighbor’s pool and did a cannonball. If you haven’t planned that vacation yet, dopamine will keep you busily scheduling and booking things, and you might even get a little spike in dopamine when you tell other people about it. The difference for a teen might be they are wildly excited about the vacation, particularly if it can make them seem ‘cool’ to their peers. They might develop a bug for traveling if they firstly enjoy their time traveling and if they receive the ‘reward’ of peer approval when they come back and regale their peers with tales of their adventures. Dopamine drives everyone to try new things, and...

Ep 93: How to Spot & Treat Eating Disorders Jul 05, 2020

Lauren Muhlheim, author of When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorderand clinical psychologist, speaks with Andy on spotting and treating eating disorders in teens. Eating disorders are scary, but Lauren tells us that together, families can reduce the dangers and stress eating disorders cause.

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For the average person, there is absolutely nothing frightening about pizza. It’s delicious, cheap to order, and easy to eat! So why might pizza be such a struggle for a teenager with an eating disorder?

Pizza is high in calories and fat, and can be very triggering for someone who constantly obsesses over what they eat. Pizza is also the go-to food for birthday parties, school events, or college activities. It’s one of the most frequently eaten foods in American culture. For a teenager with an eating disorder, adjusting to regular life means eating pizza--and for them, this is isn’t easy.

That’s why we need to take teen eating disorder treatment seriously, and help those suffering from anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating as soon as possible. By waiting too long to address these problems, or letting teenagers struggle with them alone, their physical and mental health can only get worse. It can become so serious that even something as simple as pizza at a school event can become a battleground.

My guest today is Lauren Muhlheim, clinical psychologist and expert on teen eating disorder treatment. She recently authored When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder: Practical Strategies to Help Your Teen Recover from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating. The book dives into a lot of information about eating disorder recovery, focusing mainly on the idea of family-based treatment.

You may be familiar with the term family therapy, in which a family undergoes treatment together to work out issues they may be having with one another. Although they may sound similar, family therapy and family-based treatment are actually very different. When it comes to teen eating disorder treatment, family therapy focuses on the cause of the disorder, viewing family issues as the underlying problem. This kind of treatment usually only looks at the family as the cause, and places the solution in the hands of residential or other professional treatment. Family based treatment focuses on how families can set up structures and systems to help their teen heal physically and mentally. In this type of therapy, families essentially become the residential treatment; they are the ones who monitor eating, take measures to inhibit purging, or whatever the teenager may need.

This kind of therapy is derived from research done in the U.K. in the 90s, before being brought over to the U.S., to be studied by researchers at Stanford University. Previously, family therapy was the most widely spread treatment for eating disorders, going back as far as the 1600s. For centuries, teenagers have been leaving their homes to get residential treatment for eating disorders, and then returning home only to relapse. Many times, this can be attributed to losing the structure of in-patient therapy and suddenly being left to their own devices. Family based treatment was invented to stop this issue, and is now the most researched form of teen eating disorder treatment.

For parents, the idea of family-based therapy should be encouraging, not disheartening. This means that you are part of the solution, that there are steps you can take to help your child! You have the ability to guide your teenager through this difficult period.

So where can we as parents start when it comes to stopping eating disorders in our homes?

The first step is to watch your teenager closely and take any sign of an eating disorder seriously. One of the most important things to prevent a disorder from worsening, according to Lauren, is to not wait too long. She mentions that some pediatricians or doctors may tell parents to wait for more symptoms to arise before truly taking the disorder seriously, but if a parent waits too long, the disorder can become so bad that it takes a teenager years to recover. This problem is particularly bad when it comes to teens and anorexia. She mentions that there are no negative repercussions for having a talk with your child about eating habits and the possibility of an eating disorders, and that it’s much better to do so then to sit back and allow the problem to unfold.

Lauren says be careful not to be so affected by diet culture that you are more nervous about your teenager gaining weight than losing it. You might regard low weight as positive thing or a sign of health, but it’s important to pay close attention to teenager’s habits to make sure they aren’t treating their bodies poorly. Lauren also emphasizes watching teen’s trajectory along their growth and height charts. If you’re paying attention and checking regularly, you are more likely to notice when your teenager seems to take an unhealthy dip in their growth. Lauren stresses that a teen who is staying the same size can sometimes be just as bad as an adult who is drastically losing weight. Teenagers are supposed to be gaining weight to keep up with their growth and not doing so could be dangerous. Noticing anything that concerns you may be a good sign that you should seek teen eating disorder treatment.

If you decide to try family-based therapy, the best way to start is to help your teen get back to their healthy weight. Lauren equates food to medicine for teen eating disorder treatment; The anxiety and depression teenagers feel when they get stuck in an eating disorder is largely caused by malnutrition. Lauren and I discuss a groundbreaking study in which men in their 20s with great physical and mental health had their caloric intake cut by 50% for six months. As a result of their poor nutrition, they became extremely anxious, depressed and obsessed with food.

This state is called negative energy balance: someone is eating too little or exercising too much instead of maintaining healthy habits and feels physical and mental effects. For those who are predisposed to developing eating disorders and find themselves with negative energy balance, these physical and mental issues and lack of nutrition become a brutal cycle from which they cannot escape. This is why Lauren says getting teenagers fed is the priority when it comes to teen eating disorder treatment.

You may be wondering, how can I get a teenager to eat regular, balanced meals if they were previously diagnosed with a disorder that is defined by their adversity to eating? Taking a strong stance and imposing structure may cause a lot of tension between you and your teen, but it’s much better than allowing the disorder to continue to manifest. The key is to have lots of structure and supervision. Starting with three meals and three snacks a day is a good start. Some teenagers may need to replenish weight they’ve lost or failed to gain because of their disorder. In some cases, they may have become hypermetabolic. In these situations, teenagers may need to eat as much as 3,000 or 6,000 calories a day. It may seem like a lot, but taking these steps is going to help your teen be happy and healthy so they can reach their full potential!

Supervising your teen to make sure they eat is one of the best ways to help them fix their negative energy balance and recover. This can mean making sure they eat at home, but in serious cases, this can also include supervising meals they normally eat at school by...

Ep 92: Raising Successful People Jun 28, 2020

Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People, shares her insights into what we can give teens in the home and the classroom to set them up for ultimate success later in life. As the mother of 3 highly successful daughters in Silicon Valley and founder of the Media Arts Program at Palo Alto High School, Esther not only talks the talk but walks the walk.

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We all want our teens to be successful. But it’s hard to know if we’re pushing too hard...or not enough. Maybe you faced this dilemma when your teen adamantly wanted to quit piano, even though you knew they’ll regret it down the line. Or maybe they just got back from college and want to abandon their original career path. Sometimes it may feel like you’re walking on a tightrope, trying not to squash their hopes and dreams but also attempting to protect them from their ignorance. Luckily, Esther Wojcicki: American journalist, renowned educator, and mother of three incredibly successful daughters, joins me this week to share with listeners highly effective lessons that can help you empower your teen towards success.

Like many teens, Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results, questioned everything. And while not every teen’s power struggle is warranted, sometimes it produces the breakthrough needed. In Esther’s case, it saved her life. When Esther’s mother told her to lie down in her room while carbon monoxide was leaking into their home, Esther challenged her mom and insisted they go outside. This experience and others similar inspired both Esther’s teaching and parenting philosophy.

In the 1980s-- and still today-- many educators assume an authoritarian role in the classroom: they are the keeper of information, and they are the lead disciplinarian should teen behavior go awry. And many well-intentioned parents handle their kids this way too. But Esther decided to shake things up.

Instead of viewing her high school students as being that ought to be managed, and their questions as shots at her authority, she approached them as partners. She allowed them space and support to get creative. She collaboratively worked with them to achieve their projects. And more than anything, she showed interest in their work and expressed kindness along the way. Not only did she create a welcoming, empowering environment that inspired hundreds of kids to join, but she also helped her students achieve success beyond their wildest dreams. The once 20-student journalism classroom she led decades ago has grown to be the largest in the United States. With over 600 students, 5 teachers, and 9 prestigious journalism publication awards, Esther cracked the code. Without pushing them to the brink or letting them abandon their untapped potential, Esther found a way to help her students succeed while fostering meaningful relationships with them. These seemingly simple pillars-- creativity, collaboration, and kindness--yield radical results not just in the classroom, but in families.

When I asked Esther how parents can create a similar environment to that she spearheaded in school, Esther emphasized the importance of shared trust and opportunities for independence. In theory, of course it’s easy to see how both these values can help our teen grow closer to us and successful in their own right. But in practice, it feels like there’s less time, more emotions, and more at stake. Many parents, trying to protect their teens, double down on control and implement more restrictions. It makes sense to do this, especially when parents feel safer having more control. But Esther warns against this urge. Because the more control a parent implements, the more likely distrust will fester in their relationship with the teen. This distrust can manifest into either deception or defiance, which is a lose-lose situation. Esther believes the way parents and teens can equally feel safe and affirmed does not require teens to relinquish control or parents to overcorrect teens’ decisions. It requires taking off the training wheels and allowing your teen to ride the bike, scrape their knees, and lean on you for support as needed.

As a grandmother, Esther helped her grandchildren experience the joy of shared trust and independence by allowing them to go back-to-school shopping at Target, free from parental control. While her daughter thought Esther would be closely supervising the entire time, Esther was actually running other errands while the soon-to-be third graders were getting what they needed, and would call her when they were done. While this exact scenario may not be easily replicated for some families, there are many ways throughout the day where parents can empower their teen to grow independently, feel your trust, and find their path to success.

But what if you don’t agree with my teen’s passions? Perhaps they’re obsessed with gaming, or fixated on social media. Do you always have to stand by them? How can we redirect if it appears the interest is displeasing? When I asked Esther how parents can support their teen in such instances, Esther assured me that teens’ interests can be fleeting, and they should be allowed to engage with and explore them nonetheless. Instead of engaging with your teen in a combative way about it (i.e. no more gaming!), maybe encourage them to dig deeper. For example, Esther’s grandson had--what her daughter considered-- a gaming addiction at age 10. They were quite concerned: and justifiably so. Rather than controlling him and slowly suffocating his interests here, Esther encouraged her daughter to lean in instead. She had her son create a gaming computer for himself, and now he’s the family’s go-to guy for computer issues! By finding creative solutions to allow for independence and self-actualization, parents can help their teen experience success in their own unique way.

What’s tougher than redirecting your teen to productively enrich their passion is motivating them to have one in the first place. Nowadays, Esther and I noted, many college grads return from their university bubble and find themselves twiddling their thumbs at home, paralyzed by the real-world, or unmotivated to join the workforce for whatever reason. While allowing your teen a break in between major transitions such as college is important, what’s more important is having your teen do something. Sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves is not an option, Esther argues. They don’t have to know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives right now, but they should at least be doing something that somehow helps the world. And not every kid can predict what career path will fulfill and sustain them for decades to come, so they have to try things out! Allow them to. Don’t freak out if they struggle to find their way. So long as they’re honestly applying themselves, give them the space and support they need to succeed.

In addition to these nuanced perspectives and helpful tips, Esther and I discuss:

Building trust together in families
Showing interest 101
Activating teenage creativity
Staying strong, quitting, and taking a break: which is best and when?

Find out more about Esther’s remarkable insights about raising highly successful teens today!

Ep 91: Not Under My Roof! Jun 21, 2020

Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof reveals the cultural underpinnings of teen sexual development. Amy and I discuss how a focus on achievement may leave teens feeling unsuccessful in intimate relationships later in life--and also what parents might try to better prepare their teens for connection.

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Every parent wants their teen to find love one day. But maybe not while the teen is under their roof! For teens in American, being sexually active is considered a health risk. While sex at any age can come with risk of disease, infection, or unwanted pregnancy, many parents avoid talking about it, preferring to dismiss any relationships formed in high school as temporary--maybe even a distraction to our teens success!

But are these well-intentioned efforts doing more harm than good? Certainly the chances of high school relationships lasting into adulthood are rather slim, but the consequences of denying that our teens are experiencing love and experimenting with sex are severe. The teen pregnancy birth rate in the US is around 19 per 1000 births--compare that to a country like the Netherlands who have a teen pregnancy rate of around 4.5 per 1000 births. With similar access to contraception as well as comparable economic advantages, what is it America is doing wrong when it comes to teenage relationships?

Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex, offers our listeners a unique perspective this week: raised by American parents in the Netherlands, Schalet shares her personal, historical, and sociological insights from researching the two countries’ opposing approaches to teenage sexuality. Interestingly enough, this issue stems back to medicine, of all places.

In the United States, adolescent sex is viewed as a health risk. And the implications of that on American culture are incredibly strong. The fear and discomfort associated with perspective influences our culture, our upbringing, and our understanding of normalcy. And American parents use it to inform their household rules too. This often means no PDA, minimal conversations around sex, and certainly no sleepovers with adolescent partners. While such is quite normal in the United States, believe it or not, Holland approaches the matter differently altogether.

In the Netherlands, family physicians view adolescent sex and teenage sexuality as part of the developmental process. This involves open conversations about love, sex, and contraception in the doctor’s office and the classroom starting at a young age. And thus, parents follow suit. Instead of viewing teenage sexuality as uncomfortable and cringy, Dutch parents are incredibly more open to it. Culturally, adolescent relationships are acknowledged, upheld, and welcomed in Dutch households. And surprisingly, they have the lowest rates of teenage pregnancy in the Western world!

But does that mean American parents should start welcoming whoever their teen chooses over for a sleepover? Perhaps not. But it is worth considering how other cultures view teenage sexuality, and how American parents can take the lessons learned into their homes.

When I asked Amy Schalet more about the differing attitudes surrounding this topic between the two countries, she noted that the main difference has to do with parental control, and parents’ understanding of their adolescents’ ability to self-regulate.

American parents often prescribe limits for their children on things in general, ranging from candy and television time to the age they’re allowed to date, or even marry someone. Dutch parents, however, tend to view their adolescents as capable of self-regulation. Instead of approaching their teen’s partners as adversaries, Dutch parents understand teenage relationships in a more nuanced way. Since love is emphasized and expected in adolescents, parents are more inclined to include their teens’ partners in the family. And instead of imposing limits on their teen’s sexual development, they trust their teen to determine when they’re ready to have a relationship, and when they’re ready to have sex. Overall, when you expect young people to fall in love and you understand how important that is in their lives, you will approach sex differently with them.

Maybe you’re not quite ready to let your teen invite their partner for a sleepover. And maybe it’ll not ever be in the cards. Each of our upbringings and cultures shape how we raise our own, and it’s definitely hard to break our expectations and depart from established household rules. Still, there’s great wisdom in other cultures that can enhance our perspectives. Amy Schalet believes if anything, American parents should at least look at the stigmas surrounding sex for boys/girls in the United States, and how Dutch culture works to alleviate them.

In her research, Schalet found that teenage women in the United States face harsh repercussions for engaging in sex: they are slut-shamed, ostracized, and seen as lesser. And teenage women, fearing such repercussions, either abstain entirely, or isolate themselves and engage in sex anyway. This is a lose-lose situation for many teen girl/parent relationships. The same can be said about teenage boys. Reduced to their hormones, teenage boys are often shamed from expressing honest love for their partner. Instead of being acknowledged and supported in their search for love, they are only allowed to be tough, hormonal teenagers who seemingly cannot control their sexual urges. This is similarly damaging, Schalet finds. When boys and girls are only allowed to express their sexuality freely as adults, they have to unlearn decades worth of stereotypes and ingrained ideas about love. The Dutch culture, though not perfect, allows both teenage boys and girls more space and agency to develop their sexuality. And maybe American parents can integrate a thing or two to make their teens feel more comfortable with their journeys.

Instead of forcing their teens to choose between sexual intimacy and an honest familial relationship, Dutch parents allow their teen to enjoy both. Interestingly enough, Schalet says, this allows Dutch parents more control. By welcoming the teen’s partner into the family, the parents are able to influence both the teen and their partner to engage in familial rituals. Household rules too are more observed this way. Meanwhile, in the United States, teens often have to disconnect from their parents in order to have a sexual life. Driving it underground in this way inevitably hurts the teen/parent relationship.Despite cultural differences, it’s interesting to note: which is healthier for our teen? How can respect and comfort be maintained together?

When adolescence is all about becoming your own person, teens often are faced with either severing ties with their parents, or not fully becoming their own person altogether. And without telling parents how to handle their teen’s sexual relationships, Shalet does beg the question: what kind of new relationship do teens have to have with their parents to become a new person? And what kind of negotiation needs to exist so they can still have authentic relationships with themselves, their partner, and their parents? Ultimately, whatever conversation and agreement the teen and the parents can have will be better than the shame and secrecy witho...

Ep 90: What's Your Teen Thinking? Jun 14, 2020

Tanith Carey, prolific author and journalist, joins us to talk about all the knowledge packed into her latest book, What’s My Teenager Thinking?. Tanith takes us behind “whatever” and “I’m bored” and even “You can’t make me” to discover what the heck is going through a teen’s brain when those classic one liners come out of their mouths!

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Sometimes, talking to your teen feels like arguing with a brick wall. You want to help them, but they’re not listening, they’re angry with you, and worse: they just shrugged and said, “whatever.”

And it’s hard not to feel disrespected in these tough situations. As the adult, you want to regain control and set them straight, but if every teen listened when their parents demanded respect, well: we certainly wouldn’t be here today!

These inevitable conflicts often arise from two equally strong forces: a teen’s desire to create their own identity, and their desperation for approval-- yours and their peers’. Whether it be obsessively fixating on social media, tagging along on a risky event due to FOMO (fear of missing out) or engaging with mature content, teens are trying to foster independence and belonging, even when it leaves us scratching our heads. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what their motives are, and it’d sure be a whole lot easier if we knew just what they were thinking.

But because we’ll probably never truly know, and spying doesn’t exactly foster a healthy parent/teen relationships, parents must remember that their job is not to be their teen’s life coach: it’s to empower them to healthily navigate their independence. And that means controlling our impulses, hosting neutral spaces for communication, and above all, trusting our teens: something journalist, author, and this week’s guest, Tanith Carey, champions in her book What’s My Teenager Thinking: Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents. Between bullying, vaping, lying, boredom, and more, Tanith covers strategies for managing and responding to these tough situations.

When I asked her about a parent’s role in alleged bullying, Tanith believes that parents are most helpful when they listen. In the flurry of emotion and bustle of just getting home, teens usually don’t want you to rattle off a litany of strategies for overcoming the conflict: they just want to be heard. And after they’ve been listened to and are ready for solutions moving forward, put the power back in their hands: guide them to consider solutions. While parents have great wisdom and advice worth sharing, your teen--more than anyone--will know how certain strategies will play out. So engage them in self-questioning: this sounds like: “What if I wasn’t afraid of them?” “In what ways are they stopping me from doing what I want?” “How can I best mediate this?” By engaging the teen in self-questioning, Tanith notes, your teen will most likely determine a viable solution sooner. And they’ll also feel less victimized too.

While alleged bullying is a lot trickier to navigate than a teen’s boredom, boredom is still a tough situation worth looking into. Tanith noted that this generation’s desire to be oversaturated with stimulation often leads them to craving productivity/engagement 24/7. And when that’s lost--even for a moment-- teens feel bored. Sometimes this tendency can lead to problematic behavior such as premature or excessive drugs/alcohol, but oftentimes it creates unutilized space for you to connect with your teen. “There’s nothing wrong with being bored!” Tanith argues, and instead of pushing them to find something else to engage with, teach them to view these moments as useful pauses--not failures or shortcomings. Share the space with them: ask them questions and connect with them here. Not only will they no longer be bored, but they can feel closer to you.

These moments of connection can especially help when navigating the even tougher situations, like finding out that they’ve viewed mature content. And you want to scold them--who wouldn’t? Still, Tanith argued that scolding the teen here negates a pivotal opportunity to guide them.

In Tanith’s research, mature content can significantly affect a teen. The brain can be scarred, and content could linger in the teen’s mind for up to 6 months. Instead of coming unhinged and imposing consequences, try to foster an open dialogue: one where they feel at ease and not intently criticized. This is because Tanith believes that that’s the most defining part of a parent/teen relationship: the degree to which the teen feels criticized. Yes: you may wish they never stumbled upon/searched this content. And yes: the level of investment the teen made in this content may change your response. But regardless, it’s important to contain your impulses and help them reestablish trust because the urge to chastise them here will do more harm than good. At the end of the day, we can’t control what our teens see (and excessively trying to will not reap many benefits either).

And then I asked about the infamous “whatever.” You tried to be reasonable and impose some sort of order and they hit you with this passive-aggressive exasperation. Tanith agrees that yes-- this is disrespectful, but instead of firing back, get curious! Maybe not in the moment, though. After taking a step back, Tanith believes parents can better understand their teen’s “whatever” by reopening communication channels. This means helping them name the problem and troubleshooting from there. More than anything, Tanith urges parents to step away when they feel triggered. Because the more authoritarian they are, the more passive aggression they’ll be met with.

Another important topic we covered was the vaping craze. Many teens today see it as a fun, safe, rebellious activity that bridges social circles and helps build their independence. Tanith exposed the irony and humor in this: the same demographic teens often rebel against (us; adults; authority) are the same ones marketing vape products to them! And yes: science tells us that vaping is quite damaging health-wise, and it’d be safer if teens simply said “no.” Still, Tanith cautioned against holding unrealistically high expectations for teens. Because the truth is, if you hold true to them, you’re going to be disappointed. What’s truly unrealistic is believing they’ll never engage in such risky behaviors.

One more interesting topic Tanith and I covered was the gap year: is it a cop out or not? Because Tanith is from the U.K., she noted that gap years are far more normalized there; teens who take it grow in maturity and confidence so by the time they do reach college, they are better adjusted. But in the U.S., though, many parents think it’s a reason to stall. What’s more normalized in the U.S. is getting a college education straight after college. Putting your teen into a box either way is quite damaging, though. Tanith believes parents should put their biases down and acknowledge either route, or an alternative all together.

In addition to handling these tough situations, Tanith and I cover:

Social media and why you shouldn’t request to follow your teen
Youth activism and constructively viewing media
Lying: is it the ultimate crime?
Why the stigma around gap years in the U.S. should be tossed out

Tanith Carey’s insights make facing these difficult times less stressful. Having a defiant teenager is more or less inevitable, but you have more control over the conflicts than you think. Excited to shar...

Ep 89: The Followers & the Rebels Jun 07, 2020

Michelle Baddeley, author of Copycats and Contrarians, offers a multidisciplinary look at why a teen goes along with the group and when they choose instead to rebel. The key to preventing potentially harmful impulses may lie in a moment of hesitation.

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“I’m not going! Leave without me, I already have plans!”your son yells at you from his bed. It’s a bright and sunny Saturday, and you’re loading the car so that the family can spend a night at your parents’ house. Everyone in the family has known about the trip for a couple weeks and you can’t wait for your kids to spend some time with their grandparents. This reaction, however, comes out of left field. Confused and a little hurt, you try again to get him up to no avail. The third time you try, he claims that he never knew about the trip and made plans with his friends to go to the beach instead.

You relent, leaving him at home as you start the drive to your parents’ house. Reflecting on the events of the morning, you are very surprised that your son reacted so angrily. He knew about the plans to go to his grandparent’s house with the whole family. It seems bizarre and irrational for him to rebel against the set plans of the group. Finally, you think if there are any ways to learn how to handle teenage rebellion so this doesn’t happen again.

Surprisingly, the answer to your teen’s irrational and rebellious behavior can be found in the field of economics. The psychology of economics is strongly rooted in human decision-making skills. In economics, decisions are made by factoring risk and reward for a company as they weigh each potential move. Humans make similar decisions by balancing risk and reward, which is why some people conform to systems or why others rebel against trends.

This week, my guest is Michelle Baddeley, author of the book Copycats and Contrarians: Why We Follow Others… and When We Don’t. Michelle is an expert in behavioral economics at the University of South Australia, and she has spent much of her time investigating the correlations between decision-making and economics. Michelle’s research on group identities and the causes of conformity and rebellion has given her unique insight on how to handle teenage rebellion.

The Psychology of “The Herd”

It can be hard to know how to handle teenage rebellion, and even more challenging to understand why teenagers choose to rebel against order. The lives of teenagers can be crazy, so why do they perpetuate their own chaos by rebelling against the system?

The answer for parents, Michelle says, lies in the social psychology of economics. Michelle mentions something called the Ingroup/Outgroup Hypothesis that dissects the psychology of how we form groups. Generally, there are two ways to go about becoming a member of a group.

Through economic investment in the network
By forming ingroup affiliations via the rejection of outgroups

A good example of economic investment towards joining a group is getting a tattoo. The amount of money spent on a tattoo signals a commitment to the group, not to mention the permanent effect of getting a tattoo.

On the other hand, forming ingroup affiliations via the rejection of outgroups is simply banding together because of a rejection of other people. For example, your teen son might reject the idea of spending time with family to spend time with friends. He isn’t rejecting the family because he doesn’t like you, but he would rather be a part of the ingroup with his friends than with his family.

This might make sense, but how does this information help parents learn how to handle teenage rebellion? Your son spent the last three weekends hanging with friends. Why doesn’t he ever want to spend time with his family?

Michelle proceeds to serve up some more hot slices of knowledge. When the brain makes a decision to follow “the herd,” the decision is processed through the part of the brain that deals with negative emotions. Conversely, the brain uses positive neurological transmissions to transmit ideas that go against “the herd.”

Essentially, if your son has determined that spending time with family is part of the “herd mentality” and spending time with friends is rebellious, then he will feel rewarded when he spends more time with his friends. In this situation, the idea that he is being rebellious feeds his positive emotions resulting in little time spent with family.

Practical Uses

The behavioral information about teen decision-making is good to know, but how can parents practically apply it when it comes to dealing with how to handle teenage rebellion?

It might be hard to use this information in the example of the teen son abandoning the family trip. In a time crunch, it can be nearly impossible to reason with an argumentative teen. In that case, it might be best to let him go and do his own thing.

However, knowing about herd psychology can help when it comes to long-term planning for the next trip to visit the grandparents. If you’re trying to plan a trip three weeks out, parents can use their knowledge of behavioral decision-making to structure the trip at a time when the son doesn’t have too much going on.

One way parents can do this, perhaps, is to make plans after your teen has a big outing with friends. If you know that they’re going to a concert one weekend, plan the trip to visit the grandparents for the week after. Your teen’s friends aren’t likely to have plans after a big weekend, so that can be an opportune time to plan a weekend of family fun.

Another way for parents to approach this issue is to notice how frequently their teen is spending time with friends. If your teen hangs out with friends for four straight weeks, there’s a chance they might be a little worn out from the usual teen hijinks. Perhaps you can position a family outing as a way to “rebel” from his group of friends and take a break for a weekend.

At the end of the day the best method for a parent trying to learn how to handle teenage rebellion is to craft a situation in which their teen feels rewarded for making their choice. It might be hard to do, but it is possible to get your teen to make a decision that rewards them and is what you want them to do.

Michelle’s Skills

This interview is packed with life-saving tips and tricks for how to handle teenage rebellion, here are just a few examples from the episode.

One method Michelle mentions for how to handle teenage rebellion is to have a discussion. Building a conversation about rebelliousness will help both teenagers and parents understand where each is coming from. By giving space to have a discussion about rebellious behavior, both parents and teens will understand the other’s views and have the opportunity to make choices that respect each other.

By opening up a conversation on how to handle teenage rebellion, parents will also have the chance to give the floor to their teens. Michelle mentions a story to me about a friend of hers who had teenagers that really wanted a dog. The parents were skeptical because a dog can be a lot of work for teenagers to manage on top of school and extracurricular activities.

When the parents gave the floor to their teens, they went all out! The teens p...

Ep 88: A Conversation About Race Jun 04, 2020

Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, psychologist, educator, and author of "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" joins us for a candid and in-depth conversation about race, identity, and how to start difficult conversations of your own in the home. In support of increased education and awareness of the experiences of POC, we are pleased to share the full 52 minute conversation in this special episode featuring Dr. Tatum.

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Right now, America is once again in the midst of having one of the most important—and most complicated—conversations: the conversation about race. With the death of George Floyd at the hands of the Minneapolis police, reactions to racial disparity in America have exploded in the form of peaceful protests, community organization, and social media activism, as well as dramatic incidents of looting and rioting. No matter where we turn, we’re face-to-face with a set of daunting, hard-to-answer questions that have haunted America through all its history.

Living in such a tumultuous time can be a lot for anyone. It’s especially a lot for teenagers and young people in general. For parents, the conversation surrounding race holds a special significance in the home. Black, Latinx, Asian, Native American, and other non-White homes want to talk about race and ethnic identity in teenagers. They want to make sure their children are prepared to face race-related challenges that could arise over the course of their adolescence, and certainly, all parents want their children to be unbiased and empathetic toward others, regardless of skin color.

However, the language surrounding race and ethnic identity in teenagers is often packed with loaded terminology and uncomfortable historical facts, making it intimidating for many parents to openly address race with their children. But to ensure the next generation of adults is prepared to continue fighting for racial equality, it’s absolutely essential for all parents to know how and why to talk about race openly and honestly, no matter how difficult it seems.

To explore how race and ethnic identity in teenagers and what parents can do to foster open dialogues about race in the home, I spoke with the esteemed Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum. Dr. Tatum is the former president of the historically Black college Spelman University, a recipient of the American Psychological Association’s top honor, and author of the renowned book Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And Other Conversations About Race.

As one of our country’s foremost scholars on race and a teacher of race-related subjects for over thirty years, it’s no surprise Dr. Tatum offers some incredible takeaways for listeners in this week’s episode. When it comes to talking about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum doesn’t shy away from the fact that all people need to be engaged, not just people of color.

How To Talk To Teens About Race

Racism is a prejudice that hurts everyone in society. But in that same vein, anyone can help eliminate racism by being actively anti-racist, such as consciously dismantling racist systems or educating oneself on what social justice is. To illustrate her point, she compares racism to smog; if not everybody is actively involved in cutting emissions, our air will never be clean. It’s the same, she claims, for racism. Unless everyone is involved in fighting for racial equality, racism will always be a problem.

And that fight starts with addressing the reality of racism in America. After all, you can’t fix a problem unless you’ve identified it first! This idea directly opposes the “colorblind” approach to race, where people pretend not to “see” skin color. When one tries to deny the presence of any one person’s color, that is to deny what shapes that person’s entire life.

Dr. Tatum and I discussed an anecdote about race and ethnic identity in teenagers regarding a white father being proud of his young daughter for “not seeing color.” The man’s daughter was pointing out her new friend on the playground and she was using descriptors to point out which girl she was talking about. The daughter talked about everything about her friend except for the fact that she was the only Black girl present.

In this week’s interview about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum not only explains why this mindset is harmful, but she gives great advice on what parents can do to embrace, accept, celebrate, and navigate the implications of REC—racial-ethnic-cultural—identities in the home—even White families. There’s nothing wrong with being White in the same way that pointing out that someone is Black is not wrong or rude.

When talking about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, it’s important to affirm heritage as something that makes people unique. Their background is something that helps shape them as a person as they grow into young adulthood. When they feel empowered, secure, and not ashamed about their own heritage, they can be more willing to have discussions about other people’s backgrounds and how they interact with people who are different from them. This goes for everyone.

In fact, Dr. Tatum addresses how White families can act as firm and steadfast allies, and she even offers an alternate term for White privilege to help clarify its definition: White immunity. With the phrase, “White privilege,” there’s been a fair amount of controversy surrounding its usage. Many White people do not necessarily feel like they have led privileged lives. “White immunity” communicates the fact that White people are the most protected class in a mostly White society. Furthermore, that people of color experience in some negative experiences disproportionate amounts, such as police brutality and racial profiling. White people rarely experience these issues concerning race and ethnic identity in teenagers in a mostly White society.

In the course of our conversation about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum also discusses the changes in policy, psychology, population, and polarization (the “Four Ps”) that have impacted the discussion surrounding race—valuable information to parents keen to learn more about the current state of racism in America. This may seem like a lot of information to take in about a very delicate subject, but it is a process. Being an active participant in the process of dismantling racism is exactly what needs to be done. It’s not an overnight event, rather, a completely different way of living.

More Resources About Teenagers and Identity

There’s no way that the topic of race and ethnic identity in teenagers can be covered in one podcast episode. However, the discussion Dr. Tatum and I had is absolutely worthwhile for you and your teen to listen to and engage with.

On top of her great insight on race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum and I discuss:

Addressing race and diversity in education
How race and brain development go hand-in-hand for teens
Why the history of racism is so important
Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs)
The concept of “White guilt” and what you can do to overcome it

With such a rich and critical topic at hand, and considering the current political climate, I know all listeners will find something valuable to take away from Dr. Tatum’s research and perspective. Whether ...

Ep 87: Combatting the Drama of High School May 31, 2020

Rosalind Wiseman, author of the classic Queenbees and Wannabees (the inspiration for the hit film Mean Girls) and four other books, shares her knowledge from over two decades of working with teens and schools. From what dads-with-daughters have to deal with now to where to draw the line on offensive language between mom-and-son, Rosalind has a wealth of insights!

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Full show notes

In many ways, high school is something that takes place behind closed doors. Even though teenagers seem young and naïve to many parents, they’re having important life experiences. This encompasses episodes with drugs, alcohol, sex, and other serious inside and outside of class, and their choices have major consequences. Because teens are having their first experiences with more “grown-up” concepts, they won’t be as open to talking to their parents about dealing with teenage

In addition, teenagers are often dealing with a cutthroat social jungle packed with drama! All these stressors add up quickly, and teens might make irrational, dangerous, or harmful decisions. Part of growing up means dealing with teenage drama, something that seems to be ever present in any generation of teens. What happens if they don't learn how to deal with drama? Will this lead my teen to make potentially dangerous decisions? Is there any way we can break this cycle?

This world—the world of high school—is a hard one for parents to keep up with, especially when their teens don’t want to be open and honest about their experiences. Still, parents absolutely need to be a positive presence in their teens lives to help navigate these wild situations. But when teens are reluctant to share their experiences, how can parents possibly know how to act? How can parents help kids dealing with teenage drama?

For more about dealing with teenage drama and what parents can do to help, I talked with Rosalind Wiseman, author of multiple parenting books including Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the new Realities of Girl World, the basis for the hit movie Mean Girls. (You could say Wiseman made “fetch” happen!)

Aside from her filmic success, Wiseman has worked with teens for decades, and her books are all written with the consultation of actual teenagers and are screened by teen readers, making them some of the most spot-on books for teens on the market. She’s also no stranger to working with parents, schools, teachers, and counselors to make dealing with teenage drama, and other challenging moments in teens’ lives, more manageable.

Why Does Teenage Drama Happen?

Conflict is bound to happen, whether you’re a teenage girl, a teenage boy, straight, gay, or questioning. Because of our ever changing and diverse world, no two teens will be exactly alike and not all teens will get along with each other. Perhaps the most fundamental reason why drama arises amongst friend groups is that there is a disconnect in how teens expect to be treated by their friends.

According to Wiseman, one of the most crucial parts of dealing with teenage drama is to instill an understanding of how they should be treated and how they should treat others—something parents need to foster. This episode delves into deeper details Teens need to know their essential worth as a person and use this knowledge to guide their friendships, relationships, and important choices.

Without this, your teen will not know what they’re looking for when it comes to making friends or even dating. This can be a very slippery slope. It could mean getting stuck in a cycle of conflict in a “friend” group that your teen may not truly be friends with. It could even mean that your teen will be exploited or taken advantage of because they don’t have boundaries or a firm value system. When you talk to your kid about dealing with teenage drama, be clear and concise about what they find important. Solidifying what they find important in life can make a powerful, positive impact.

For example, what are they looking for from their friends? Do they cherish trust? Loyalty? Acceptance? Teens need to know what their values are, what they look like, and know how to stand up for themselves when their boundaries are being violated. Teens are going to make these decisions for themselves when socializing with peers, but Wiseman explains exactly why instilling this kind of resolve is one of the best things a parent can do, as well as how to do it. Listen in to find out more!

How Can Parents Address Teenage Drama?

As a parent, you should be available as a point of reference for your teen. Know that for the most part, you shouldn’t be the one stepping in to confront your teen’s friends. Part of the growing up process is dealing with teenage drama on their own.

The best thing you can do is to provide a home environment that demonstrates the best example of a loving and respectful unit. When teens are accustomed to being respected, having their feelings heard, and having their boundaries honored, teens will naturally gravitate towards friend groups with those values in school.

Because dealing with teenage drama is necessary, your teen should know how to approach the situation as best as they can. Of course, no teen is perfect, and there are bound to be moments in which you may catch your teen being unfair, unkind, or even prejudiced.

Rosalind shared an anecdote about dealing with teenage drama where she felt like one of her sons violated a boundary at home. She told me that although she allows coarse language at home, she does not tolerate any degrading language. After her son made a joke that was sexist, Rosalind warned him immediately. She made sure to communicate the fact that that boundary is in place and that violating it any further would result in a more serious punishment.

This is an example of a teaching moment at home that will ideally lead to better interactions with others. When you lovingly (yet firmly) establish a values system based in respect for others, you set the tone for how your teen will interact with others outside your home. In addition, Wiseman covers everything from breaking down cliques to creating what she calls a family “Bill of Rights.” She gives this tip and many more with this week’s episode in dealing with teenage drama.

More Resources for Navigating Teenage Drama

In this week’s expanded episode, I got to experience Rosalind rattling off insights and strategies for parents like the expert she is. There’s so much that we covered that we couldn’t have done it all justice in this summary! In this interview about dealing with teenage drama, we cover:

Identifying teenage roles in friend groups.
Getting teens to help themselves with self-help books
“Reconnaissance strategies” and the importance of teen privacy
The reality of nude photos and sexting
Shifting elements of teenage drug culture

Teenage drama of today will look different from the drama of parents’ generation. But thanks to experts like Rosalind who updates her work, navigating teenage drama won’t be as much of a headache as it once was. Her work has had an incredible impact on the world of parenting, teaching, and even pop culture, and having her as a guest on this week’s podcast was an absolute privilege. Whether you’re a parent of a high schooler right now,...

Ep 86: The Dark Side of College: Testing, Admissions, and Inequality May 24, 2020

Paul Tough, NYT bestselling author, shares what he learned in putting together his most recent book The Years That Matter Most. College may have a special place in the American Dream, but Paul enlightens us into what is really happening behind the scenes--it may have you rethinking decisions about higher education.

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Full show notes

College holds a special place in the American Dream. It’s almost every parent’s hope for their kid to receive a four-year education from a United States university and make a name for themself. A college diploma is more than a piece of paper; it’s a marker for status, success, and smarts. It can be a promise of steady income, a supportive social network, and opportunities to continue moving upward. College is also a social rite of passage alongside a mind-broadening four-year journey. But the truth is, that piece of paper is becoming more and more inaccessible every year.

Getting into college seems to be an existentially taxing endeavor in and of itself. Sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds stress over the SAT and ACT as if the scores signify their worth as a person or determine the entirety of their future. When they’re that young, it can be easy to believe a single test will make or break their destiny and get wrapped up in test-related anxieties. With all the negative side effects these exams have on teenagers, people are beginning to wonder should students take standardized tests?

Parents too can have a difficult time helping their teens find the right college fit. It’s becoming normal for parents to go gray trying to find ways to afford higher education and getting their kids into a “good” college by stressing themselves over their teen’s academic performance. Even financial aid seems to be an elusive privilege to the families who need it most, and student loans loom darkly in the future. With the stress of taking standardized tests, finances, and social pressures from all sides, one question is on everyone’s mind: Is college worth it? And should students take standardized tests?

For the answer to these questions and a closer look at the college admissions process, I spoke with this week’s podcast guest, Paul Tough. In his most recent book, The Years that Matter Most: How College Makes or Break Us, Paul takes an unflinching stance on the reality of higher education in America to show readers the truth about colleges and universities. From SAT scores to post-graduation salaries, Paul’s extensive research begs (and answers) the question should students take standardized tests?

Admissions: Not As Easy As You Would Think

In an ideal world, merit would be the ultimate deciding factor when it comes to who colleges and universities choose to admit. But with an increasingly expanding pool of candidates and a finite amount of resources, it’s far more complicated than you’d think. It’s a mix of grades, standardized test scores, extracurricular involvement, socioeconomic standing, and more. It varies from institution to institution, so there’s no one blanket statement that could properly encapsulate just how varied the standards are. So the answer to the questions should students take standardized tests is a bit complicated.

Written over the course of six years, Paul’s book is packed with studies, research, and interviews with people all across the spectrum of higher education. He recounts the stories of low-income students at leading universities like Princeton and Yale while offering insights from leading SAT tutors, recruiting agents from top banks and law firms, and more. All his findings point to one conclusion—one that might be disheartening to many: When it comes to college, money matters. So should students take standardized tests even though wealth may be a bigger factor in determining what college they get into?

Struggling colleges and top institutions alike are constantly looking for ways to fund their expensive programs, meaning they look for students from high-income families who’re likely to be solid donors down the road. Furthermore, some institutions may not even prefer a student who is high-performing to high-paying. But why? Wealth is paramount to a plethora of educational institutions.

For instance, a university may very well prefer to admit a high-income student who is an average performing (or even poorly performing) student rather than a high-performing student from a low-income standing. Why? It’s a better investment to admit the average student who they know can afford full tuition rather than the exceptional student who will need help paying for the full tuition. Furthermore, wealthy parents beget wealthy students who therefore will be more likely to donate back to the university in large amounts.

So should students take standardized tests? The main critique of standardized testing is that it actually doesn’t measure any level of intelligence or skill. It does measure how well one takes a particular kind of test, whether it be the SAT or the ACT. Students who come from wealthier families will be able to afford private tutors, while students who don’t have the same means won’t be able to afford standardized test practice.

Furthermore, institutions will be concerned about their image as a brand. When asked should students take standardized tests, many colleges say that they care how publications such as the U.S. News and World will rank them in terms of average standardized test scores of the accepted student body. Again, standardized tests don’t measure true level of intelligence, but they are a factor that is measured heavily in the admissions process.

A student’s socioeconomic background even continues to influence their chances of success even after graduation. Many employers who look to hire from even the most iconic institutions, such as Harvard or Stanford, will prefer to hire employees who are just like them in a social sense. They don’t care as much about grades or academic performance. Employers look for people with similar hobbies and experiences—people they can “shoot the shit” with. It creates a circle of affluence in higher education, and, in Paul’s words, lacrosse bros really do run the world.

With so much inequality that keeps teens from affluent upbringings on top, should students take standardized tests? The tides are turning. Institutions such as Yale and Trinity College have come under fire and been accused as being hypocritical in that they tout themselves as being inclusive while containing the wealthiest student bodies. Measures have been taken over the years to have a more progressive standard of admissions, but as it stands, most institutions' answer to “should students take standardized tests” is yes because they are concerned about their bottom line.

So Is College Worth It?

As there are so many hoops to jump through when it comes to applying for college, the question isn’t just “should students take standardized tests?” It’s also, “Is college worth it?” There is no one answer that applies to all teens. As every teen is different, every teen will want something different out of life. It’s a perfectly legitimate possibility that the traditional college path might not be appropriate for your teen. But, if your teen is set on pursuing the traditional university path, you should plan for the college preparatory road ahead together.

While the revelation in Paul’s books can be discouraging, we also talk about p...

Ep 85: Reaching Resilience May 17, 2020

Lindsey Sealey, girl-advocate and author of the new book Rooted, Resilient, and Ready, re-joins us to discuss the tips and tricks from her latest book on raising strong girls, resilient and ready for the path ahead but firmly rooted in who they are!

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The hum of the morning is different today. There is a nervous electricity in the air, as everyone around the house rushes through their final checklists. Notebooks and pencils are shoved into backpack pockets, there’s a frantic rush to cut tags off her new top, and last she grabs the new phone she got two weeks ago.

It’s the first day of high school, and your teenage daughter is about to walk into a whole new world of feelings, friendships, and challenges. On the drive to school, your mind races back to everything you’ve done while raising a teenage daughter. What have you done to instill confidence and resilience in your daughter?

Preparing teenagers for this stage of life is no cakewalk. The difference between middle school and high school is massive, and nobody wants their child to walk into a new environment without any preparation. Teens, especially girls, can become so vulnerable if they aren’t ready to adapt to the new situations and challenges of high school. For these reasons, it is crucial that parents are skilled at raising a teenage daughter.

With these thoughts on my mind, I invited Lindsey Sealey back to the show. Previously, she guest starred on Episode 74, where she shared tips and tricks from her book Growing Strong Girls.

If you don’t know Lindsey, let me tell you about her awesome experience. Lindsey is an incredible writer, who regularly contributes to the Huffington Post Canada and Spoke. She has written two books on parenting teen girls, with the newest being Rooted, Resilient, and Ready: Empowering Teen Girls As They Grow.

This week, I’m stoked to hear Lindsey share her tips on raising a teenage daughter. Lindsey is incredibly smart and thoughtful, and the time she has spent working with teen girls in workshop environments has given her expertise on raising a teenage daughter. This week, Lindsey and I discuss everything from the digital world to mental health.

The Digital Frontier

The rise of social media websites can detract from raising a teenage daughter. From Snapchat to Instagram and Facebook, anyone can spend hours on these sites, becoming lost in the digital world. If your daughter falls into the rabbit hole of image-driven social media sites, she could lose focus on what it means to be herself. Raising a teenage daughter who is only driven by image can cause numerous mental health issues because of obsessing about images that are unrealistic for many girls.

There are strategies that parents can use while raising a teenage daughter to prevent her from losing herself to the image culture on social media. A good way for parents to approach excessive social media use by setting limits on apps. While it can be easy to set limits on apps, it might be trickier for parents to get teen daughters to agree to adult supervision.

It’s easier to set limits with your daughter beforehand than to create guidelines after she’s had access to a new phone. One trick, Lindsey tells me, is to create a contract of expectations between you and your daughter before she gets her phone. If you are planning to buy her a new smartphone, have a discussion about time usage and limits beforehand! Having this conversation before buying a new phone can help parents raising a teenage daughter because it is easier to set limits beforehand than to take away privileges.

Raising your teen daughter with limits on digital life can have a positive affect on her mental health. Without limits to the digital frontier, image obsession caused by social media can seriously detract your teen from living her best life. If mental health becomes an issue for your daughter, what can parents do to help?

The Mental Health Scene

One day, you go to pick your daughter up from school but she seems a little more distant than usual.

In the back of the car, she quietly scrolls through her phone. You try to engage in conversation, and receive mixed responses. Strangely, though, it appears that she isn’t interested in chatting. Once you get home, she drops her school gear and hides away in her room for the afternoon. What’s going on?

Left alone, thoughts can turn negative, and possibly spiral into greater problems such as anxiety and depression. Lindsey told me that engaging in a dialogue around mental health issues is the best approach a parent can take to improve teen mental health. The specific strategy she mentioned was the idea of taking a positivist approach towards mental health issues.

The positivist approach is a good method for parenting a teen daughter because it allows you the chance to reframe your teen’s emotional response to a problem.

For example, your teen daughter might be distraught because she didn’t make the cuts for the school play. A positivist approach to the situation would be to highlight other opportunities that your teen daughter can explore now that she has extra time.

Trying to have these conversations won’t be easy, but they will help in raising a teenage daughter. Sensitive subjects can be hard to discuss because talking about sadness won’t always make someone feel happier. Don’t give up! It’s better that you try to have these conversations as opposed to letting things go unsaid. In making these attempts, parents can practice raising a daughter who is grounded emotionally with a strong sense of self-worth.

Additional Tips and Tricks

Raising a teenage daughter can be challenging for parents to navigate. At the same time, watching your girl grow into a strong, resilient young woman will be one of the most beautiful and rewarding things you will witness in your entire life. In addition to discussing the digital world and mental health, Lindsey shared her advice with me on a number of other topics related to raising a teenage daughter, including:

How to help your girl find her “sparkle”
What to do if you don’t like the direction your teen is going
The masks that girls wear
How to connect with your teen in the digital world
5 common lies used as conversation starters

Incredible! Lindsey is such a smart, spoken woman with so much great advice about raising a teenage daughter. Check out her book, Rooted, Resilient, and Ready: Empowering Teen Girls As They Grow for more great info on how to raise your teen daughter. Good luck, hope you tune in again soon!

Ep 84: Contain Your Teen’s Tech May 10, 2020

Joshua Wayne, author of new book The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology, clues Andy in on the latest statistics and solutions to teens’ addiction to technology. Plus, how to adjust your rules--or set them--during the coronavirus pandemic.

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Viewing Life From a Screen

Did you know the average teen spends over seven hours a day in front of a screen? And no—that doesn’t include mandatory screen time for school research, Zoom classes, and online assignments. The average teen screen time of seven hours a day is spent on video games, apps, social media, and other forms of aimless web browsing. Passive entertainment is taking up more and more of teens’ free time every day. In fact, some researchers estimate that teens spend as much as 40% of their life in front of a screen. This is a worrisome statistic for parents—and anyone invested in the next generation for that matter.

The teenage years are critical for cognitive brain development, forming positive relationships, and practicing social skills. So what happens if your teenager is stunting their cognitive development by staying up hours into the night playing video games, Snapchatting, and scrolling through Instagram? This oversaturization can have lasting negative effects on a teen’s brain. So should parents reduce the average teen screen time? Considering how much social media and other screen-based activities play a role in a teen’s social life—especially since COVID-19 has postponed many in-person activities—parents have to walk a fine line when monitoring their teens’ technology use. So what should parents do to balance phone and TV time with in person interactions?

This week I spoke with expert Joshua Wayne, author of The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology, to discuss how parents can monitor the average teen screen time. Wayne’s book provides parents with incredibly practical ways to approach screen time, and with COVID-19 spurring a massive increase in virtual connectivity, his perspective is more valuable now than ever. In our interview, Wayne explains how to create and implement a technology agreement and how it can be used to set guidelines for the average teen screen time.

Big Tech Problems

Technology has brought us access to a wealth of information we would otherwise have to search libraries upon libraries for. Think about how you would accomplish a book report on Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War when you were a teen and computers and smartphones didn’t exist. You had to go to the library and check out four different books to compile enough information for your report. And then you’d have to write the whole thing without spellcheck—what a pain! In comparison, having access to this information instantly and without having to leave home saves us so much time. Wayne firmly believes that technology has brought more good than bad and that it’s here to stay. Fighting for the average teen screen time to be zero is not only futile, but unrealistic and impractical.

So with that in mind, should parents reduce the average teen screen time? Generally speaking, yes, but the amount and way it’s limited is up to the individual family. Wayne knows all families have different levels of reliance on technology. For a family with two kids heavily involved in varsity sports who aren’t particularly reliant on their phone, setting a two-hour limit per day works. However, for the family of a teen who isn’t big on extracurriculars but spends their time learning how to code software by watching YouTube videos, a four-hour limit a day is more realistic.

In this interview, Wayne uses a few simple guiding rules to help you decide what screen time limits are best for your specific situation. Parents need to acknowledge that the average teen screen time is seemingly high partially because of how important social media is to your kids. Although you might have Instagram or Facebook yourself, you might be wondering why your teen needs to waste their entire day messaging on social media and Snapchatting their friends. However, they might actually be having extremely meaningful conversation and developing strong bonds with their friends on these apps. These conversations have become even more precious to teens since the COVID-19 outbreak has prevented them from seeing their friends at school or on the weekends. They’re starved of a social outlet and what’s filling this gap is social media. It may be frustrating to see them on their phone constantly but ultimately, if your teen’s screen time is being spent on a healthy activity it might be better to make more room for it in their life.

Using electronic devices is part of everyday life, but getting outside, stowing phones at night, and in-person interactions are all productive ways to lower the average teen screen time. These suggestions should be included in your Family Tech Agreement, which is a plan Wayne developed to help parents create rules that’ll monitor their teen’s phone usage. The rules can be things like no phones after 11pm on weekdays or no social media on holidays that everyone in the family must abide by, even the parents. The rules in this agreement should be determined by the activities and responsibilities they need to accomplish, like sports practices or SAT Prep, before getting free time to use their devices. Wayne says to be prepared for pushback because in most cases, your teen won’t want to have any limitations on their screen time and will resist having to abide by an agreement. While there is plenty of room for negotiation between parent and teen in the Family Tech Agreement, listen in to hear how to maintain your authority while creating an Agreement that will reduce the average teen screen time.

Parental Control

In this episode, Wayne discusses how it’s not only important to limit average teen screen time, you also need to keep a watch on what your teen is consuming. It’s unpleasant to think that your teen is watching unwholesome videos or exchanging unsavory texts with people you don’t want them talking to—but it’s reality. The world wide web is a dark place where unmentionable things happen to unassuming teens every day. Because of this, there are plenty of parental control apps you can use to see what websites your teen is viewing as well as location apps to track their whereabouts.

At first thought, you might find these parental control apps to be invasive. You trust that your kid isn’t looking at inappropriate things and if they know you’re monitoring what they do online, they’ll think you don’t trust them. While it’s great that you trust your kid is only using their phone to look at pictures of puppies and send their grandmother nice emails on her birthday, you may be giving them too much credit. Even the most responsible teens come across websites with illicit or salacious content, whether on accident or intentionally. There are a myriad of risky things they can come across, like websites that’ll give them viruses, porn sites that operate under unassuming pseudonyms, or even websites that will sneakily take money from your teen. Wayne's insists that you explain to your teen that you’re using parental control apps not to be intrusive but to keep them safe from content and people they simply shouldn’t ...

Ep 83: The Future of Jobs May 03, 2020

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Terry Iverson, founder of the non-profit Champion Now and author of Finding America’s Greatest Champion, talks about the future of the job market--where are the gaps now and what might young people do to best prepare themselves for the world of work? Find out in this week’s episode!

Full show notesAll parents want their teenagers to be happy and successful in their personal and professional lives, but now more than ever, there’s a lot at stake. The future of our political landscape seems to be changing every day, and there’s no telling what long-term impact COVID-19 will have on the world our teenagers are going to inherit. With an uncertain job market, a surplus of college-educated jobseekers, and rising student debt, it isn’t clear for many parents what path their teen should follow.

Luckily, there are certain skills, attitudes, and practices parents can instill in their teenagers to help them understand the importance of career planning for students. And, better yet, there are tons of opportunities for a lucrative career and fulfilling life even without an expensive degree! In fact, certain job markets—manufacturing, for instance—are not only in high demand, but incredibly lucrative! The average manufacturing working earns over $80,000 a year, including benefits, and doesn’t necessarily require an expensive four-year degree. But in order for your teen to find the right career, parents need to emphasize the importance of career planning for students.

For more on how today’s teens can enter adult life ready for success, I spoke with Terry Iverson, author of Finding America’s Greatest Champion: Building Prosperity Through Manufacturing, Mentoring and the Awesome Responsibility of Parenting. Terry himself has worked in manufacturing for decades and knows exactly what the industry has to offer to young adults. Moreover, Terry knows from his personal experience as a dad, coach, and public speaker how to help teenagers find and pursue careers that matter to them.

Terry grew in a single-parent household in Florida, and in high school he found himself working a late-night job, playing competitive sports, and taking AP courses all at the same time. He learned the importance of career planning for students through hard work and accountability from an early age, and he encourages today’s parents to instill the same wisdom into their teenagers. He also maintains the importance of supporting teenagers by helping them find vocations that make them happy. More than anything, Terry knows that to be truly invested in something, you have to enjoy it first!

This might mean your teenager has something different in mind than what you want for them. Even though you might be set on sending your teen to an Ivy League college, what’s the point if they’re going to burn out and not use their degree? Rather than set these kinds of predetermined expectations, Terry thinks a parent’s most important job is to help their teen decide what they do—or don’t!—enjoy. He says parents can impart the importance of career planning for students by encouraging their kids to follow two primary practices:

Research the Job Market
Gain Experience in the Workforce

Not only will these practices capitalize on the importance of career planning for students, but they’ll set your teenager up for a successful career and gratifying personal life. Here’s a look into how Terry’s practices can help:

Researching the Job Market

The most basic practice your teen can take on to understand the importance of career planning for students is research. It’s imperative for teens to find out what companies are hiring in the field they’re interested in so they can make informed decisions about their career.

In order to promote the importance of career planning for students who don’t know what they want to do, parents need to seize opportunities for them to investigate the job market. Their dream job could be out there, but if they don’t explore what exists, they’ll never be able to find it let alone take the necessary steps to pursue it! According to Terry, many young adults aren’t even aware of the potential for hiring in manufacturing jobs because they don’t have a thorough understanding of the current market.

Terry says that low awareness of opportunities in the job market is indicative of how certain professions become saturated/unsaturated. During our interview, he gives an example of the time he spoke about manufacturing to a group of high schoolers during a career event. When asked how many students were aware of the industry as a potential career, only two of the twenty young adults gave an affirmative statement.

If an essential occupation (like manufacturing) isn’t saturated with a steady flux of newcomers, Terry says it’s like an opening in the MBA: a rare position becomes more coveted. Not only will the demand for that job go up, but the quality of pay and benefits will too! This kind of analysis of the job market can help your teen understand the importance of career planning for students and can propel them into a successful career they might actually enjoy.

Another great benefit of having your teen research the job market is it will allow them to be more independent and find a career that is truly right for them. As growing adults longing for autonomy and control over their life decisions, many teenagers are eager to step into a more adult role. When you ask them to research what they want to do, you’re giving them the opportunity to earn your trust.

With teens who have a strong attachment to a vocation that makes you nervous (i.e. entertainers, artists, food service, etc.), it’s an especially good idea to have them justify their decisions. When teenagers develop a thoroughly researched understanding of the job market, they can make educated decisions about what they want to do. You may want to prompt them with questions like:

“How saturated is the market for the profession you want to go into?”
“How does the salary of the career you’re looking into support your lifestyle?”
“Are local jobs are hiring where you can get early experience into your career?”
“What are the steps you need to take to succeed at this job?”

If your teen is unable to justify their career choices, it’s a good indicator to them that they need to think things through a little more. If they do have the research to back up their plans, they can begin making educated moves in the right direction.

Gaining Experience in the Workforce

Starting out early in the workforce is one of the best ways for your teen to act on the importance of career planning for students and decide their future profession. Not only will your teen learn to balance significant responsibilities while they’re still at home, but they’ll also be able to sort out what kinds of work are right for them.

While Terry was still in high school, he managed to play sports, maintain his grades, and go to work on weeknights, a juggling act that your teen can learn to replicate and learn from. He says that having to maintain an agenda with his GPA, a vital...

Ep 82: An Unconventional Education Apr 26, 2020

Tony Wagner, educator and author of several books, most recently his memoir Learning by Heart, joins us this week for a closer look at what really makes a difference in the education of teens. What makes the greatest positive impact on students? How an unconventional education can be advantageous?

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Full show notes

What do you want your child to learn in school?

Do you want your teen to learn math, science, grammar, and maybe another language? Sure! Why not? But, do these subjects cover all of human potential? What if your teen doesn’t care about the stuff we learn in traditional classrooms?

Encouraging a teenager to study can be the hardest job in the world when school isn’t teaching them anything useful. (Did that get a raised eyebrow from you?)

“But school is important!” you say. You want your kid to practice self-discipline, curiosity, and thoughtful conversations in school, but that doesn’t always happen. The sad reality is that the American school system prioritizes “subjects,” not life skills.

When students don’t view their education as life skills, they can become unengaged, uninterested, and dispassionate about learning.

Encouraging a teenager to study math is fruitless when that teenager thinks he’ll never use math skills outside of school. You might have a dozen conversations about the value of understanding mathematics, but they are likely a waste of energy for you and your teen if your teen doesn’t care.

If our education system isn’t prioritizing the specific life skills teens need to pursue their passions, what can parents and teachers do to compensate? Thankfully, this conversation has been going on for awhile, and there are a lot of strategies for encouraging a teenager to study that have been battle tested. In this episode, I have the honor and privilege of speaking to the brilliant and prolific author of seven books, including three best sellers: Tony Wagner.

Tony has been wrestling with America’s education system for over 50 years, starting when he was in high school. He’s spent 20 years in different faculties at Harvard University and currently is an internationally sought after speaker and teacher. I was so excited to get the opportunity to talk about his life story as depicted in his most recent book and memoir, Learning by Heart: An Unconventional Education.

Tony’s Story

Tony’s bio sounds impressive, right? Maybe not what you would expect from a high school dropout and two-time college dropout. Like many teenagers zoning out in school today, Tony is an incredibly smart person, but was bored to death in the classroom.

If Tony wanted to get something done, it wouldn’t happen in the classroom for credit. Tony liked to read, but he never read any book on the class reading list because he thought teachers ruined the stories for him! He also liked to write, but his high school English teacher was verbally abusive. To get better at writing, Tony sought out another teacher at the school to tutor him instead. He met with this teacher weekly in their free time.

What this teacher did has since defined Tony’s idea of a Great Teacher.

He taught Tony as an INDIVIDUAL.

Every week, this teacher would identify a specific strength in Tony’s writing, and then give some other suggestions to supplement that strength.

When his school-assigned English teacher later cursed him out and called him a “F***-up” in front of his friends, Tony dropped out of high school.

Since the 1960s, our school system has changed for the better in some ways, but not all. Today there could be serious reprimands for a teacher cursing a student out. But there still aren’t measures to ensure that all kids get the experience Tony had from the other English teacher. Teachers might be held more accountable now, but there hasn’t been a notable uptick in Great Teacher experiences.

Seeing Students as Individuals

Encouraging a teenager to study means encouraging that teenager to study. The interests one teenager wants to study can, and should, be different from what the next teenager wants to study!

Tony’s goal isn’t to go after teachers here. He just wants to point out that you can’t individualize students with the current “batch processing” structure of education. Encouraging a teenager to study the same stuff all the other students are studying neglects the fact that teenagers are individuals. They might have completely different passions that school just doesn’t focus on.

School only focuses on a narrow band of skills regarding human capabilities. All other skills can be dismissed as superfluous. Unfortunately, this only serves the kids who have an interest or competency in those specific skills! He says he sees teachers so constrained by a demand to teach “subjects” that they forget that they’re teaching young people.

INDIVIDUALS.

When it comes to encouraging a teenager to study, Tony desires to see teachers distill what is critically important about their subject. Once those fundamentals are taught, teachers can then make time for students to apply those foundational skills to their specific passions. A math teacher probably knows that some algebraic functions can apply to all life skills. What if after teaching those skills, that teacher then helped students apply those to their individual interests? Pointing out the relevancy of these skills can increase a students passion to learn, and this is something parents can do for students as well.

It took Tony 30 years to realize that a knowledge of grammar did not equate to a strength in writing. Still, grammar skills are necessary to become a good writer. Likewise, a student interested in car engines shouldn’t have to wait until college to apply science class to racecars. In the current system, that student might not even make it to college, because they can’t make the connection between school and their passion.

Stay Curious!

What’s been true at least for Tony, is that you won’t find a reason to learn until you find a reason to care. Therefore, his advice for adults to give to young people is: Stay CURIOUS!

Without curiosity, good luck encouraging a teenager to study. According to Tony, curiosity is what keeps people inspired. Tony believes every student should have a notebook to write down ALL their questions and concerns, related to class or not.

Encouraging a teenager to study these questions in their notebooks promotes curiosity. If every child had a journal where they could write down their questions to pursue later, curiosity could become a habit. This necessitates adults creating time and space for young people to pursue those questions. If students don’t have the space to pursue their questions, then there’s no motivation for them to be curious. But by encouraging a teenager to study their interests, curiosity, that sweet desire to learn more, could become normal in almost every student.

This strategy of journaling can be super effective for encouraging at home, too, not just at school. Parents can also give their teens the opportunity to do their own research and investigation, and then present it. Math class doesn’t have to b...

Ep 81: Creating Genius Apr 19, 2020

Janice Kaplan, NYT Bestselling author, most recently of The Genius of Women, discusses why 90% of the population thinks only men can be geniuses. Janice and Andy cover what we can talk to and teach our girls about to empower them at a time when we need more geniuses than ever!

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Full show notes

If your daughter was a brilliant pianist—as good as Mozart, say—wouldn’t you want her to share her talent? Of course you would! You’d pay for lessons, organize recitals, and help her blossom into the artist she was born to be. Imagine the wasted potential of not motivating your teenage daughter, or leading her to believe she was supposed to be doing something else. It’d be heartbreaking. Still, this is exactly what happened to Nannerle Mozart, who was told to go home to be married in her teenage years instead of following in her brother’s footsteps.

Fortunately, something like this would probably not happen in the 21st Century. However, the sad truth is there are still innumerable obstacles facing women of all ages, from toddlers to teens, that are almost too subliminal to notice. The stigmatized expectations of women are internalized by girls at a very tender age, and without the proper guidance from parents, these perceptions can seriously hurt girls’ self esteem! They might even give up on their dreams and settle for whatever they’re told is “right” for them.

There are very few geniuses in the world, but the fact that so few women geniuses are recognized points to a deep-seated bias against women at large. To better understand how parents can protect their daughters from this bias as well as educate their sons as to make all teens wiser on gender inequality, I spoke with Janice Kaplan, author and co-author of fifteen different books, including The Genius of Women: From Overlooked to Changing the World.

In this book, Kaplan dissects what it means to be a “genius” and why it is that women are often overlooked in the running. Her takeaways are a great starting place if you’re looking for ways of motivating your teenage daughteror talking to your son about these issues so he can better understand the cultural influences that shape gender inequality.

I asked Janice what inspired her to write a book championing the female capacity for genius. In her answer, Janice cited an eye-opening poll in which people were asked to name some well known geniuses––but almost none could name a female genius. The results of the poll showed that 90% of people only mentioned men as examples of geniuses, and the only woman people recognized as a genius was Marie Curie.

Why can’t people recall the names of more brilliant females? Are they inherently sexist? Of course not. It’s more complicated than that, says Janice. There are a lot of social factors that add up to create this unbalanced reality, this world in which only men are thought to be capable of genius. It’s not that women aren’t talented, but instead that they are rarely encouraged, recognized or challenged––causing them to fall short of their worth. We know that you prioritize motivating your teenage daughter, but unfortunately, the world doesn’t always do the same.

Why We Can’t Seem to Name Many Female Geniuses

Everyone knows the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” The question causes us to ponder: if we don’t know about something, does it ever actually happen? Janis says this question can be applied to women’s accomplishments––if women are extremely smart and talented but no one talks about their contributions, will their genius ever be recognized? Will this make motivating your teenage daughter even harder?

In order to answer this question about motivating your teenage daughter, Janis shares a definition of “genius” which is rather thought provoking. She defines genius as “extraordinary talent, plus celebrity.” This doesn’t mean a celebrity like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, but instead someone whose work is widely recognized and respected.

For example, does the name Katherine Johnson ring a bell? Probably not! Although her name does not live in infamy, Johnson was a brilliant mathematician whose orbital calculations were critical for the first crewed NASA space flights. Unlike, say, Albert Einstein, Johnson is not a household name. This is largely because in the 60s, and throughout history, black women like Johnson have rarely been celebrated for their accomplishments, relegated instead to the background. When asked to name a genius, you can’t recall someone you’ve never heard of! No wonder motivating your teenage daughter, there aren’t enough known female geniuses.

In the episode, Janis dives into the stories of several female geniuses whose names you probably don’t know! Make sure to listen so that if someone asks you to name a genius, you’ll be able to recall the names of these brilliant women instead of allowing them to live on in obscurity.

How We Hinder Women From Reaching Their Potential

On top of not being recognized, many brilliant females are not given the encouragement to build on their talents. This is not a result of explicit sexism––we would never tell girls they can’t be doctors––but instead through small, cultural nudges that suggest women should stick to more traditional expectations. If most of the doctors a young girl sees on TV are male, motivating your teenage daughter will be more challenging since

she’s not going to believe that it’s possible for her to establish herself as a medical professional.

There are lots of small, indirect ways that these messages towards women are transmitted. Society often hyper-analyzes the way women look, constantly making them feel as though their appearance is the source of their worth. Meanwhile, men rarely face this kind of scrutiny, and are instead evaluated on their academic or athletic achievements. There’s also a lot of differences between the kinds of after school programs we offer to boys and those we offer to girls. For example, Boy Scouts encourages boys to camp, build, and explore...while Girl Scouts is motivating your teenage daughter to cook and sew.

Although these forces don’t directly tell women that they aren’t as capable as men, they teach women not to aspire quite so highly. Motivating your teenage daughter is made harder when they are told to remain in the boxes they are placed. They make women feel, often subconsciously, as though it’s wiser to have less ambition since they’ll never be able to compete with men.

Talking to Kids About Gender

The unfortunate reality about motivating your teenager daughter is that kids are taught to have these beliefs about gender, not born with them. In our conversation, Janis discusses a study that demonstrates this. When young kids were brought into the labs at Princeton and shown pictures of both a man and a woman, they were asked to identify which one was a genius. Their choices shocked researchers and might surprise you too when you listen to the episode.

Janis points at that just because society imposes certain expectations on women doesn’t mea...

Ep 80: The Upside of Messy Teenagers Apr 12, 2020

Tim Harford, author of Messy and accomplished journalist, economist, and speaker, and I talk about how messiness can play a positive role in your teen’s (and maybe your) life. Turns out you can use messes, randomness, and disorganization to enhance your thoughts and actions, rather than bog you down.

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You stick your head into your kid’s bedroom to see their desk littered with crumpled papers, gum wrappers, used dishes, worn books, pens, and chargers. Their bed is unmade, and some of the pillows are on the floor along with dirty laundry. As far as you can tell, there’s no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Their room is the eyesore of the entire house.

It’s no wonder your teen has trouble concentrating! They live in a state of chaos. You call your child’s name, ready to lay down the law and command them to clean their room. You want to run a tight ship, don’t you? It’s only normal for a parent to teach their children the benefits of cleanliness and tidiness.

But what if this mess isn’t actually a bad sign? When analyzing the psychology of a disorganized person, it’s very difficult to discern when your teen’s disorganization indicates distraction versus productivity. Whenever anyone has their time occupied by important tasks, such as homework, it can be hard to stay tidy. Your desk is probably the most cluttered when you have the most work to do, or your office might be in disarray when it’s crunch time.

Your teen’s messy room might follow the same pattern! In some cases, mess could be a sign of creative potential. So how exactly can you tell when your teen has an acceptable mess and when it’s actually time for you to step in and help your teen find their way? What’s going on in the psychology of a disorganized person?

This week I spoke with Tim Harford, accomplished journalist, speaker, and author, to learn about the psychology of a disorganized person and get a better idea of how messiness and disorganization can play a positive role in your teen’s (and maybe your) life. His book, Messy: The Power of Disorder to Transform Our Lives, takes a close look at how and when being untidy might actually be a positive thing!

A Beautiful Mess

Some of the most important, influential, and well respected minds have been known for their untidiness. For example, Harford points to great creative minds as diverse as Benjamin Franklin, David Bowie, Miles Davis, and Michael Crichton and highlights one common denominator: mess. Often, the most high-achieving individuals are also the ones with the most pots on the burner.

With so many projects bubbling away, it’s hard to keep everything in order. This isn’t to say that amazingly creative and productive people don’t value things like order and cleanliness. What it does say is that there are so many important and time-consuming ideas occupying their mental space. Tasks such as sweeping up or organizing clutter is a mere secondary concern.

Enthusiasm and curiosity are two great traits for accomplishing goals, but they also make it very hard to keep things tidy. Something as mundane as tidying up their bedroom isn’t a priority to them. It might seem like they’re easily distracted but that isn’t always the case. Being distracted momentarily doesn’t entail a lack of interest or a lack of care.

The next time you see your teen leaving things half-finished, they might be taking a break from one project to begin another! According to the psychology of a disorganized person, being interested and involved in multiple things is always a great sign of your teen’s intellectual development. Hartford says that it’s perfectly reasonable to have a few projects that are a work in progress. It only becomes a problem when those projects are never finished.

If your teen has a particularly messy room or if they’re known to jump from project to project, it’s important for you to foster the right amount of encouragement and guidance without overstepping boundaries. Don’t mess with the psychology of a disorganized person or stifle your teen’s imaginative energy for the sake of a well-manicured desk or a perfectly-arranged closet.

When it comes to psychology of a disorganized person, it can be part of their learning experience to adjust and adapt to the environment around them. It should be up to them to change their surroundings. Instead of stepping in and telling them when they should tidy up, let them figure out a schedule for their own house-keeping duties by themselves. This will self-motivate them to want to keep an orderly environment.

To understand the psychology of a disorganized person, Hartford points to the musician Brian Eno. He is known for being an incredibly productive versatile musical genius, yet, the biggest irony in his day to day life is that he can’t focus on a specific task at hand if there’s music playing in the background. Eno’s passion for sound is so strong that it may seem like he’s distracted, but he’s intensely in tune with the sounds around him.

So in order to get work done, Eno doesn’t allow himself to have music in the background. Details like that are only discovered by the person themselves. By having an empowered creative space where he was able to explore his work process, Eno was able to understand the best environment for him. Who knows? Your teen might be the next generation’s Eno.

How to Empower Your Teen’s Mess

Hartford cites a study of the psychology of a disorganized person about “empowered spaces” and “disempowered spaces” and the difference they can make in creating an environment to work in. In order to create an empowered space, allow your teen to own it. This means your teen should be free to have their room as they please so long as they maintain the space all by themselves.

He tells me about how in his house, the rule after dinner is that everyone needs to help clean both the dining table and the kitchen. Although he enforces a tidy kitchen and dining room, he doesn’t extend that to his kids’ rooms. As Hartford sees it, he allows his kids to live with the consequences of whatever state his kids’ rooms may be in.

He won’t dictate how they operate his teens’ rooms. By granting them their own little space where they are free, that leaves them in a happier mood. This in turn makes his kids able to follow stricter rules when it comes to more “public” spaces in the house, such as the kitchen.

What to do About Continued Messes

Harford cites multiple studies and field experts in our talk about the psychology of a disorganized person that provides awesome perspectives on the concept of messiness. For any parents who are worried that their teens’ mess is getting in the way of their success, this episode is made for you.

A parent of teenagers himself, Harford uses his research and expertise on the psychology of a disorganized person to give some great advice when it comes to applying the concept of messiness to family life. There’s so much to consider when looking at the psychology of a messy teen. In our interview about the psychology of a disorganized person, he teaches me all about how to:

Turn accidents into positive experiences
Creating “empowered” spaces for teens to excel
Cultivating diverse friendships and perspectives
Making the most of quarantine situations with family

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Ep 79: How “Manhood” is Hurting Our Boys (and Girls!) Apr 05, 2020

Dr. Michael Kimmel, author of the NYT bestselling Guyland, speaks with Andy to discuss boys, men, and everything in between. Masculinity doesn’t have to be “toxic” but the way we teach (or don’t teach) our boys about what it means to be a “man” has dire consequences for us all.

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“Boys will be boys,” right? Unfortunately, the playing field of masculinity in society today is more dangerous than you might believe. From hazing gone wrong, to depression and suicide, to jail time, the consequences of not understanding masculinity and what it means to be a man can be dire. It can literally be a matter of life or death for some.

Not only are young men harming others by learning harmful behaviors, such as not processing emotions and being overly aggressive, but they’re also hurting themselves. They’re limiting themselves by acting in ways that were dictated to them by media, pop culture, their peers, and older men who perpetuate a “traditional” sense of masculinity.

Growing into adulthood is hard enough for anyone, but there can be a particularly toxic mindset when it comes to teenage boys. Leaving our teenage boys and young men completely unchecked is not a healthy way to raise them. When boys transition into manhood in their late teens, they’re forced to figure out what it means to “be a man” on their own. The late high school, college, and early adult years are perceived to be a proving ground for young men, and they’ll go out of their way to show off their machismo in order to be accepted by their friends.

These rituals, such as hazing and initiations into social groups, have become dangerous, harmful, and completely unnecessary elements of masculinity in society today. Binge drinking, experimenting with illicit substances, and physically dangerous tasks are usually dictated to them by their peers or by other young men who are only a year or so older than they are. And no one is talking about manhood, so the question remains: what does it mean to be a man?

This is an important question for any parent raising a young man. For the answers, I turned to Michael Kimmel, the man to reference when it comes to understanding men. Author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men and books on masculinity and gender, Kimmel is dedicated to dissecting the world boys grow up in and revealing how and why boys are impacted by the idea of “manhood.”

Trying to Define Manhood

In this week’s interview, Kimmel notes that at the beginning of the 20th century, there was a clear cut distinction between when someone was a child and when someone was an adult, and that distinction usually came at 14 years old. They went straight to work as an apprentice, assisting in their family business, or if they had the means, left home to pursue higher education.

Today, the transition from child to adult is not as quick. The term “adolescence” was coined to describe the gradual process of growing into adulthood, starting at about 14 and continuing into one’s early twenties. Kimmel claims adolescence and early manhood have blended together. Because of the lack of a clear demarcation between “young boy” and “young man”, masculinity in society today has turned this stage of youth into an unstructured, unsupervised playground to show off their “manliness”.

Kimmel notes that when it comes to parenting boys, parents often take a hands-off approach. Although there is a sense of freedom given, young boys experience a sense of being lost and unsure of the road ahead. This is particularly true in American culture where young men are “self-governing.” Kimmel notices that it's usually the younger men, such as the team captain or the president of the fraternity house, who call the shots within their peer group. Young American men don’t have the same positive influence from masculinity in society today compared to other cultures and countries.

Without learned guidance from older, more experienced men, young men often learn harmful tropes about masculinity in society today from porn, movies, and pop culture because those are the most accessible mediums to gather information from. It’s crucial for adults—especially parents—to step in and guide young men on this journey and influence them in an empowering, positive manner so they don’t hurt themselves or others in the process of growing into adulthood.

Consequences of Toxic Masculinity

In our conversation, Kimmel deconstructs the concept of masculinity in society today and lays it bare. Young men are traditionally taught to be in control. When they feel emasculated, they feel they have to reestablish their status in order to regain respect and control of a situation. This is known as the “alpha male” mentality.

The “alpha” mentality is a slippery slope and can lead into truly unsavory and dangerous ways of expressing masculinity in society today. Specifically, toxic masculinity leads to a sense of entitlement, and entitlement feeds into other toxic ways of thinking, such as racism, sexism, and nationalism. Tune in to this week’s episode to hear Michael and I discuss at length how masculinity in society today has created a sense of entitlement in young men.

When insecure men feel threatened by women in the workforce, the men assert their dominance by acting out in ways that are misogynistic and unfair. Why? Because insecure men feel entitled to being the sole presence in a company or even in an entire industry. The mere presence of women threatens their grip of control

This sense of entitlement bleeds into the issue of race and nationality when it comes to masculinity in society today. When insecure men feel threatened by the presence of immigrants, they act out by saying things like “This is my country” and “Go back to where you came from.” This stems from a toxic sense of entitlement to a country and what they believe to be their rightful land. Insecure men feel like the presence of “outsiders” threatens and challenges their power and sense of control.

Let’s face it, men have been in control for the longest and have benefitted the most. It’s important to teach teenage boys and young men that although there is nothing wrong with embracing your manliness, masculinity in society today should go hand in hand with using your strength as young men to help lift others instead of break people down.

Kimmel argues that the norm for masculinity in society today is to encourage breaking others down in order to only build themselves up. Another topic we touched on is about hazing and how the basis of hazing is humiliation. If young men used as much of their strength to empower their peers instead of break them down, the world would probably be a different place.

How do I Teach Positive Masculinity?

When raising children, you want them to be compassionate, fair, and honest people. And that goes for everyone, no matter their gender. When it comes to raising young boys who will eventually become young men, it’s imperative to instill respect and kindness in them. This week’s episode explores ways to do exactly that.

Embracing masculinity is not a bad thing. There are so many ways to positively influence and uplift teenage boys and young men. However, there is work that has to be done to unlearn...

Ep 78: Winning Arguments Mar 29, 2020

Stanley Fish, best-selling author and octogenarian, clues us into the intricacies of arguments: how argument is a more natural state; destructive arguments; how to get out of one; and much more! Grateful to be able to connect with the author of Winning Arguments and The First, Dr. Fish!

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“I hate you! You never trust me to do anything on my own!”

Your teen yells at you as they storm off to their room. Slam! Yeah, you probably won’t see her again until dinner. Exasperated and confused, you try to retrace the steps that led to this moment. Your teen came home in a good mood today, buoyed by news of a weekend getaway a friend is putting together. She walked in from school and mentioned it to you, hoping to gain immediate approval.

When you asked her for more details about the trip, she grew defensive. She scoffed when you asked if a parent would be going, but you pressed for details. She grew defensive, saying that it didn’t matter if a parent would be there or not. However, the vacation home your teen plans to go to is over three hours away and you are apprehensive about something going wrong when the teens are so far away. Finally, you gave an ultimatum: no parent, no trip.

That’s when all hell broke loose and you began to wonder how tense the dinner table might get later tonight. As a concerned parent, you want to know how to win an argument with a teenager. What strategies can parents use to win? And how can parents manage conflict without it turning to anger?

In this episode of the Talking to Teens Podcast, Stanley Fish shares his research on how to win an argument with a teenager. Stanley has a long resume, highlighted by stints at UC Berkeley, Johns Hopkins and Florida International University. In addition to being a professor of humanities and law, he has written 19 books about everything from free speech to the science of arguments.

Stanley’s book, Winning Arguments: What Works and Doesn’t Work in Politics, the Bedroom, the Courtroom, and the Classroom is perfect for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager. We delve into this book’s methods for parents and teens to keep arguments from spiraling into negativity. Stanley accomplishes this feat by teaching us the red flags of arguments so disagreements can be handled in a civil manner.

Two Red Flags of Arguments

Red Flag #1: The Ideological Impasse

Parents struggling to figure out how to win an argument with a teenager need to know about the “Ideological Impasse. ” Here’s an example of what an “Ideological Impasse” is:

Stanley mentioned the 2010s controversy surrounding the name of the NFL team in Washington, D.C.. Washington had carried the nickname of “Redskins” since their inception in 1932, but in the 2010s, protesters organized and called for the franchise to change their name. There were two sides to this dialogue.

A) Protestors saw themselves as fighting the long history of racism.

B)Ownership saw themselves as upholding free speech and tradition.

Neither side was willing to give in to the other’s idea, thus forming an “Ideological Impasse.” They were fundamentally at odds and it took a decade of stalemate before either side could convince the other.

Drawing out conflict is exactly what parents should avoid when they have a disagreement with their teens. Parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager should avoid prolonged conflicts because it decreases the chance of a productive result of an argument.

Solution: Bridging the Impasse

Once you reach the point of an impasse, Stanly recommends that parents take a step back.

One way a parent can figure out how to win an argument with a teenager and take a step back is to simply say,

“I understand where you are coming from. But can we put this conversation on the shelf for now? I’d like to take some more time to think about this.”

Making a statement that closes the argument while finding another time to pick up the conversation is a great way to de-escalate arguments.

Declaring a ceasefire might not be easy, but it will preserve the feelings of parents and teenagers involved in the argument. This will stop the disagreement from spiraling out of control.

This tip is important for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager because setting your terms for when an argument happens is like having a “home field advantage” in the argument.

Taking a step back will also allow teens and parents a chance to reproach the issue under controlled circumstances. Here’s a way parents can do this:

Instead of setting an ultimatum about the trip your daughter wants to go on, parents can pause the argument. Setting aside time to discuss this issue in a day or two will give parents time to prepare a controlled discussion as opposed to having an argument spiral out of control.

On top of everything, the strategy of setting a later date and time will help parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager because it lowers the probability of the dehumanization of the “other.”

Red Flag #2: Dehumanization of the “Other”

Stanley mentioned the dehumanization of the “other” as a natural point of advancement stemming from an ideological impasse. Essentially, when an argument between two parties is ratcheted up to an impasse, an emotional disconnect emerges between the opposing sides. Both sides will create an image of the “other” that is created for the sole purpose of being torn down.

A perfect example of the dehumanization of the “other” can be found in the politics of the United States after the election of Donald Trump. On Democratic and Republican sides, images were created of the other party in order to discredit the values each promoted. An example of political dehumanization is:

A) Democratic supporters were called out as communists.

B) Republican supporters were called out as fascists.

Essentially, both parties forgot that human beings existed behind the constructed images of the other group. This caused polarizing attacks instead of humans doing productive work to solve the problems of the country.

Similarly, if parents and teens resort to dehumanization there is little chance anything productive comes of the argument. Ultimately, this will increase the challenges for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager.

Solution: The “I” Statement

The solution to dehumanization, and the answer to how to win an argument with a teenager, is to elicit “I” statements from the other person. Essentially, when an argument reaches the point of dehumanization, one side will receive pleasure from making the opposite side feel bad.

A method to get an “I” statement from a teenager can be:

How does it make you feel when I say...

Ep 77: Survive the QuaranTEEN! Mar 22, 2020

Amy Cooper Hakim, author of Working With Difficult People, joins us for a discussion on how to deal with the most common types of difficult people, particularly when you are quarantined with them!!

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The global pandemic COVID-19 is causing the world to stand still. It almost seems unreal—like a sci-fi movie. Schools are closing rapidly, causing college students to fly home from all over the country and primary learners to learn from online platforms. Parents who can are working from home, making rapid adjustments to comply with their new work routine. Situations are rapidly changing every day, and it might seem like there’s no consistency. But for some lucky households, one thing remains constant: Family.

With parents working from the kitchen and children of all ages going to school in the living room, families are taking on a new dynamic. In some ways, it’s like living with coworkers. Boundaries need to be set, responsibilities need to be met, and—perhaps most importantly—conflicts need to be resolved. Spending so much time with each other in such close quarters might be challenging for some families, but this worldwide phenomenon is also a chance for parents and their children to grow closer and foster positive growth!

To understand exactly what parents can do to create the best possible quarantine environment for their families, I spoke with the queen of work relationships: Amy Cooper Hakim. She’s the author of Working with Difficult People: Handling the Ten Types of Problem People Without Losing Your Mind and holds a Ph D in industrial organizational psychology. She’s the absolute authority on conflict resolution in the workplace, and being currently quarantined in Florida with several children of her own means she has firsthand experience applying her knowledge in a home environment!

According to Dr. Amy, two of the most crucial things parents can do to create a functional home environment are set appropriate boundaries and maintain an atmosphere of honesty. Although it’s sometimes hard, Dr. Amy believes in the importance of parents acting not only as a child’s “bestie,” but as an authority figure. It’s the same as being a CEO or manager—you need to lead by example, and what you say goes. In our interview, Dr. Amy gives incredible advice on how to balance this firmer parenting approach with one of empathy and compassion in order to show your children not only do you love them, but you want to care for and protect them, too!

She also shares what she plans to do during this unusual time to teach her children valuable lessons about perseverance, cooperation, and selflessness. With incredible optimism, Dr. Amy sees this time as a wonderful chance for her and her family to grow closer, and I know her advice will help you as well! In our interview, we talk about:

Practicing tact while delivering advice and criticism to teens
How teens often fall into one of several kinds of “difficult people,” and how to deal with each one
Prioritizing logic over emotion in family conflicts
Specific practices parents can implement in their homes to bring their families closer during quarantine!

During such odd times, it’s a joy to hear from someone so experienced and so optimistic about what families can do to bring out the best in each other. If you’re concerned over how you should be handling this quickly evolving situation, I highly encourage you to listen in! Dr. Amy is sure to have some advice that applies directly to you, and your family.

Ep 76: Setting Better Boundaries Mar 15, 2020

Linda Perlman Gordon, co-author of Mom, Can I Move Back In With You? and four other books sat down with me this week to explores techniques and strategies for parenting teens who are transitioning into ‘real’ adulthood. Linda, a private psychotherapist in the greater D.C. area, counsels parents of teens and twentysomethings--and is the perfect person to discuss how to make better boundaries with your maturing teen!

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It's the middle of the night, it's raining, and your teen asks you for help. Her car is broken down and even though she has the number for roadside assistance on her phone, she’s asking you for support. You're conflicted because as much as you want to get your daughter out of the rain, you know you won't always be available to solve her problems. If something like this happens again and you aren't there to pick up the call, she might not think to call a tow truck without parental guidance.

Parents should be preparing their kids for the teenager to adulthood transition by helping them become more independent and self-sufficient. Different parents have different solutions to foster independence, but they all have the same question: as teenagers turn into adults, when does “helping” turn into “coddling?”

The answer to properly preparing your children for a teenager to adulthood transition becomes blurrier with each passing year. An increasing number of teenagers go off to college and emerge as young adults with low-paying jobs, unpaid internships, student loans, and grad school applications, so highly-involved parenting tends to extend past the teenage years and into early adulthood.

The markers of “adulthood” are not as clear cut as they used to be in generations past. Although 18 year old's are considered adults, your own kids and many others may not be ready for all the responsibilities that come with a teenager to adulthood transition. And that’s fine! Making the transition from teenage years to adulthood will look different for everyone, so don’t be discouraged if your teen isn’t making the smoothest transition. Most “twenty-somethings” still need Mom and Dad for financial and emotional support.

To understand this paradigm shift in parent-young adult relationships and the teenager to adulthood transition, I had a wonderful interview with Linda Perlman Gordon, author of five books and private psychoanalyst. Her book— Mom, Can I Move Back In With You? A Survival Guide for Parents of Twentysomethings —explores techniques and strategies for parenting children going through a teenager to adulthood transition

Many parents find themselves in this situation without resources or research to help, but they don’t realize how many other parents are in the same boat. These are the parents Linda works with in her private practice and in group sessions. Her many years as a psychoanalyst and a parent of young adults have made her a comforting and authoritative voice on the subject of teenager to adulthood transition. If you’re a parent of an older teen or an early twenty-something, then this week’s episode is for you!

A Balancing Act: Pushing to Independence and Offering Help

A successful teenager to adulthood transition hinges on whether or not your kids can support themselves independently. In some instances, they may need to move back in with you. Should your child be paying rent to live at home? Are they on the right track, or are they falling behind? It’s crucial for you to know the difference. The good news is that Gordon specializes in answering these questions!

Gordon and co-author Susan Morris Shaffer’s work shows most parents feel awkward discussing their twenty-something “children,” when they really shouldn’t feel awkward at all! In today’s housing and job market, it's almost impossible for young adults to be completely independent post-college. Instead of cutting kids loose when they turn 18, parents should consider fostering independence in progressive stages. Listen to the episode to hear Gordon’s definitions for different independence levels and how to progress them!

Your child may be twenty-four and living at home, but are they motivated? Are they looking for jobs, taking initiative, and moving toward a financially-stable state? Are they working part-time to build their resume or planning to go back to school to strengthen their personal skill set? If so, you’ve nothing to worry about! A successful teenager to adulthood transition isn’t created overnight. Seeing your child take steps towards independence should be celebrated.

Instead of looking at age as a benchmark for independence, it’s vital to look for signs of “personal responsibility” such as actively applying for jobs, actively searching for their own apartment, or actively applying for schools. This takes pressure off the teen and the parent because it removes the sense of external expectations about adulthood. You haven’t failed as a ,nor have your children failed as young adults, if they aren’t married with a home and lucrative career by 25. Growing into adulthood is not a race against the clock, or at least it shouldn’t be.

The teenager to adulthood transition should be a stage of life when your kids actively strive towards independence on their own. If your twenty-four-year-old isn’t taking any steps to better themselves and expects someone to hand them a career, a house, or an entire lifestyle, then there’s a problem. Handouts foster a sense of entitlement and laziness. If a young adult isn’t learning how to make a life for themselves because parents dole out easy alternatives, that’s when helping turns into coddling.

One of Gordon’s best pieces of advice comes from setting boundaries, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise. For example, you could offer to help your young adult child by paying for their living expenses, but only if they are applying for grad school. Or you could allow them to move back in, but only if they agree to work part-time. These boundaries protect against freeloading young adults who won’t learn how to fend for themselves in the near future.

Setting boundaries like these also help foster a sense of self-determination needed for a teenager to adulthood transition. It could inspire them to move out of home and and get their own place, or to go back to school so that they could get a better job than they have now.

Without clear boundaries between you and your child, it’s easy to overstep your responsibilities as a parent and for your almost-adult twenty-something to take advantage of you. This could look like racking up your credit card debt, using your house as a venue for their parties, or expecting you to do everything for them.

Part of growing up is knowing when to be self-reliant and how to problem solve without having to consult anyone else. And that means not having to ask Mom and Dad. As a young adult, they should be using all the time on their hands to their advantage to build the lives they want for themselves.

By setting clear boundaries, you’ll let your son or daughter know that there are parts of their life in which you can’t be involved in anymore. This can be one of the hardest yet most important moments in parenting a teenager to adulthood transition. Being firm in what you can and can no longer do for them actually helps motivate your children to start thinking and making decisions for themselves. You can still be a present and helpful pres...

Ep 75: "Purpose" but Without the Eye-Rolling Mar 08, 2020

Alexis Rockley, author of Find Your F*ckyeah, sat down with me this week to talk about how you can help your teen find their groove, their vibe, their f*ckyeah--the things that gets them popping out of bed in the morning, ready to take on the world. It’s sort of like “purpose” but will cause a lot less eyerolls…

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I’m sure you remember going to high school, but do you remember how it felt? The crushing pressure to define yourself, the need to fit in with your classmates, and the stress of meeting all the expectations of adults and teachers. “What do you want to do with your life?” they ask. But, at sixteen, no one really knows! Our lives pan out in unexpected ways, full of twists, turns, and mistakes that help pave our road to success. And that’s exactly what our teens should expect when ‘planning’ for the future.

It’s healthy for teenagers to recognize that they don’t need to know everything about themselves by age 18. But nowadays, with social media emphasizing the importance of personal branding and colleges putting pressure on teenagers to perform perfectly, teens can feel boxed in. They feel they need to know exactly who they are and what they want…ASAP! And they may get the message that their life must be one clean story with no zigs, zags, or misdirection. This limiting belief is detrimental in a world that is full of fast-paced change.

Paradoxically, change is the most consistent part of human experience. Every day, we learn more about ourselves and make adjustments accordingly. And experimenting, failing, and adjusting is how we figure out what makes us happy, what motivates us to get out of bed each morning with a clarity of “purpose,” or, for those who are rolling their eyes at “purpose,” our “f*ck yeah!” That’s what shapes the teenage identity.

Alexis Rockley, author of Find Your F*ckyeah: Stop Censoring Who You Are and Discover What You Really Want, sat down with me this week to talk about how you can help your teenager find their themselves and break out of restricting stereotypes. Rockley, who humbly describes herself as a “nerd who loves research,” is leading a movement to help young people find their “purpose” and “joy” in life…but in a cool way.

Alexis knows everything about what shapes the teenage identity. She has spent years studying and working with experts in the field of positive psychology and her book unpacks the science and psychology in an accessible way to help people find their “f*ckyeah.”

In this interview, Rockley walks me through her method of breaking down what shapes the teenage identity. She says that one of the most important aspects of raising well-adjusted, go-getter teens is to debunk the falsehood that “adults know everything.”

The Science of “Limiting Beliefs”

Drawing from her own twisting and turning journey Rockley delivers the science behind teens’ limiting beliefs. A limiting belief is something your brain decides is a fact based on our emotional relationship to it. It’s also a big factor in what shapes the teenage identity. Think of it like your emotions telling you what’s true or false. It’s like if your child grows up in a culture of body-shaming, they might have adverse feelings toward cake.

Limiting beliefs can be formed at a subliminal level, which is why it’s dangerous to place too much emphasis on setting teens up for a one-track career at a young age. For example, many parents ask their teens what they’re going to be, thinking that it will give their child goals to work towards early on. But there are limiting underlying psychological affects that children inherit when parents pose this question.

When you ask your teen, “What are you going to be?” there is an implication that their future job is what shapes the teenage identity. Teens feel the need to have a ready answer, one that they have to stick to no matter what, because they don’t know to distinguish between their professional and personal self. Statements like, “I will be a doctor,” then become a restrictive personality type.

Once teens pick a personality type, their family and peers might show surprise or even ridicule them if they veer from the standard behaviors. Athletic students can never dye their hair and aspiring lawyers can’t branch out into the sciences. Business students shouldn’t waste their time doing theatre. But Rockley provides parents with a strategy to help uncover what shapes the teenage identity without setting up restrictive boundaries.

Avoiding Restrictive Boundaries

According to Rockley, teens can break out of restrictive thinking by making their limiting beliefs conscious. If parents and kids are able to step back and observe what shapes the teenage identity, they can make more informed and passionate decisions about what makes them say, “f*ck yeah!” Rockley goes over several tactics in the podcast to help your teen find themselves.

One method that we talk about is adjusting how you ask your child about what they will do in the future. Helpful questions about what shapes the teenage identity should address the reality of change and the different personalities your teen might express over time.

Questions such as, “Who are you inspired by? Who do you look up to? What aspects of these influences excite you?” start to facilitate a conversation around a diverse set of interests and aspirations. Aspirations that live more closely to your teen’s multifaceted personality and have that “f*ck yeah” feeling.

Rockley’s method helps teenagers unlearn the idea that a definitive vocation exists. Since there’s no way to tell someone what their purpose is, teens should be open to the idea that their interests can change at any moment in their life. This better prepares teens for a more fluid future. A future that supports a chemistry undergraduate student who realizes their true calling is in the local bakery.

Building The “F*ckyeah” Environment

When you ask, what shapes the teenage identity, the environment is a sensible answer. Using Rockley’s “f*ckyeah” approach, parents can help their teens find themselves by creating an environment where problem-solving is the object of focus, not performing an identity. There will always be problems to solve -whether it’s managing customers or figuring out chemistry equations in a lab- so the question is, “Which problems does your teen want to solve?” This framing can help teens adjust and explore what activities they truly want to engage in.

Rockley also speaks to me about how parents can help teens navigate our “factory school system” and set themselves up for the modern workplace. In the podcast, she gives great tips on how to expose your teenager to environments that value creativity and problem-solving skills, instead of simply following rote instructions. To get the full details of Rockley’s scientific approach to discovering what shapes the teenage identity, you’ll have to tune in and listen.

In addition to what shapes the teenage identity, we cover:

How to get your teen excited about their future
The harmful effects of reprimands and negative reinforcement
The tricky science of ‘limiting beliefs’ in teens and young adults
The need for personal branding…
And how personal branding could be negatively influencing who your teen is

Al...

Ep 74: Growing Strong Girls Mar 01, 2020

Lindsay Sealey, author of Growing Strong Girls and “girl advocate” speaks with me this week about how to help your daughter find, understand, and value her own voice. With girls receiving so many conflicting external messages, it is vital we help them strengthen their internal self!

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Full show notes

Mixed Messages

“Be yourself,” “know that you are strong because you are a girl,” “stand up for yourself,” “don’t let the man get you down.” These platitudes are constantly thrown at girls to assure them that they’ve got everything it takes to rule the world and make all their dreams come true. Though well meaning, these sentiments are made redundant by unrealistic expectations to look pretty at all times, know how to attract and please men, and be accommodating and polite to everybody. In order to encompass all of these values, you would literally have to be perfect. And that’s, like, really hard to do.

Girls are constantly presented with conflicting messages on social media, at school, on TV—even at home. It’s confusing enough for full-grown women to know how to act in the face of all these contradictory pressures, so for girls who are just entering into teendom it feels almost impossible. In order to give tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence, parents have to effectively combat the pressures placed on her by society. They must also help her confront the drama and growing pains of adolescence in a logical manner. Needless to say, being a teenage girl, or a parent to one, is no walk in the park.

Teenage and preteen girls are in an incredibly vulnerable stage of their lives. They’re extremely susceptible to the influence of their peers and the outside world. So how do you give tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence if you feel that the influence of others is greater than that of their own parents? Author, CEO, and Professional “Girl Advocate” Lindsay Sealey can tell you how. Sealey wrote the book Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Preteen Years and has been running workshops with young girls to help develop their own sense confidence and self-worth for fifteen years. In this interview she offers tons of practical tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence by showing parents how they can successfully connect with, support, and influence their teen girls to believe in themselves despite societal pressures.

What a Girl Wants

It’s not always about what a girl wants but what a girl needs. Let’s face it, some teenage girls want a lot—popularity, money, lots of followers on Instagram, an expensive new car (the last of which they’re definitely not getting). This vapid list of necessities comes from the constant stream of messages society and pop culture throw at them. As parents, some tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence might be “these things don’t matter” and “one day you might be happy that you didn’t get everything you wanted.” Lindsay Sealey says when parents respond this way, they aren’t actually recognizing their daughter’s feelings.

Among other tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence, Sealey states that active listening is a pivotal part of connecting with your teenage daughter. If she’s talking to you about a fight with a friend, or about a boy she likes who doesn’t like her back, don’t cut her story short. You need to let her tell you the whole story and run the gamut of all the emotions she’s feeling. Sealy says that parents must be willing to validate their daughter’s feelings and help them process emotions in a healthy way. This means urging your daughter to fully experience, not deflect, their emotions and be open with how, and why, she is feeling them. Letting emotions sink in, even when it’s uncomfortable, will help your daughter fully process the situation and eventually come to terms with it.

Another of the major tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence is to avoid giving advice when your daughter comes to you with her problems. When parents jump in with their own stories and advice, girls often feel belittled, like their opinions and experiences don’t really matter. Sealy says that parents need to respond with empathetic phrases like, “You must feel really saddened that your friend doesn’t want to eat lunch with you,” or “I would be hurt too if a boy didn’t like me back.” This lets your daughter know that she is valid to feel the way she does, that having feelings doesn’t make her weak. Sealey says it’s okay to ask to share how you’ve overcome a similar situation, however, you should avoid overpowering her story with yours. Tune into the episode to hear more tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence by identifying opportunities you have to foster revelations through quality time with your daughter.

Miss Independent

According to Sealey, a major part of empowering young girls is to provide them with a safe space to focus on their own interests. In an age defined by comparison, it’s crucial for girls to understand—first and foremost—they need to make themselves happy. One of Sealey's tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence is to encourage her to pursue individualistic interests, like horseback riding, hiking, painting, or volunteering at animal shelters, rather than focusing entirely on her social life.

Teenage girls have a tendency to overextend themselves with social events in order to avoid missing out or disappointing others. According to Sealey’s tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence, parents need to steer their daughters away from relying too much on friendships for fulfillment. Developing individualistic interests not only expands your daughters mind, it also gives her a greater sense of self-reliance and independence that’ll come in handy when she’s confronted with friendship drama. If she knows that she has other things to do with her time than spend it with a problematic friend, she won’t be so torn up about parting ways with them.

Further, Sealey provides tips on helping your teenage daughter build confidence and self-respect when confronted with friendship drama. Drama is an unavoidable part of girlhood and can be an opportunity to learn valuable lessons. Often, our daughters will fall out of friendships because someone moved, or someone became popular and the other didn’t, or someone joined the soccer team while the other played tennis. It’s important, Sealey states, to teach your daughter that drifting apart is part of life and it’s important to have a large pool of friends to lean on when one friendship ends. Sealey urges parents to encourage their daughters to become friends with many different types of people. That could mean someone a few years older than them, someone who goes to another school, or someone who comes from a different ethnic background then them. Rather than having one BFF, it’s more beneficial for teenage girls to seek out multiple friendships with people who bring out and strengthen different parts of their personality.

Finding Her Voice

Without proper guidance, it’s easy for daughters to feel overwhelmed in the sea of information they’re fed everyday. They may be afraid to ask questions and...

Ep 73: “You ALWAYS do that!” Feb 23, 2020

Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist and Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, sat down with me to discuss the communication tactics she has learned during her journey as a Bodhisattva. Her techniques are perfect for getting out of escalating arguments and questionable conversations!

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Full show notes

Anyone who works in a team knows that proper communication can be a nightmare for adults, but communicating with teenagers is a whole different ballgame! How many times have you wanted to talk to your child about something small, but it somehow blew up into a huge argument? This can happen when parents and their children don’t have the best communication practices in order. It’s no one’s intention to get into an argument, but sometimes the small stuff can turn into a screaming match. That’s where Buddhist thinking can offer some sage advice…

Mindfulness and listening techniques encourage us to take a step back and better understand how communicating with teenagers can become confrontational. Maybe your child is just having a bad day and they’ve been stuck in a defensive mood to cope with it. Perhaps you didn’t realize you used a sharp tone by accident. In any case, it’s important to understand why communicating with teenagers can get out of hand so easily.

While teens are still growing up, hormonal and social changes in their lives can make it harder to navigate problems with a level head. One wrong word might prompt a heated outburst! This hair-trigger mindset can complicate even the simplest ways of communicating with teenagers.

Before you know it, you’re getting pulled into their emotionally-charged, surface-level vocabulary of insults. If you ground them, you’re drawing out spans of resentment without improving communication habits. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a BuddhistandTalk to Yourself Like a Buddhist has some techniques that can help you master the art of communicating with teenagers.

I spoke with Cynthia about communicating with teenagers this week to better understand why conversations with your teen can get out of control. In her own life, Cynthia’s search for the Bodhisattva –a person dedicated to helping others ease their suffering– led her on a journey to become one herself. As a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor, she’s taught tens of thousands of people to speak with kindness, honesty, and confidence through her books. If anyone knows about communicating with teenagers, it’s Cynthia.

Cynthia’s work has appeared in several esteemed publications, including the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Yoga Journal, Self Magazine, and Woman’s Day Magazine. Through her bestselling DailyOM courses, workshops, and Intentional Communication Training Program, she has helped thousands of others transform how they are communicating with teenagers, so I was especially excited to hear what she had to say about communicating with teenagers.

In our interview, we talk about three central aspects to Cynthia’s approach:

Self-Talk
Speech
Silence

By using these Buddhist principles of Right Speech, Cynthia walked me through how we can speak to ourselves and others in positive, reaffirming ways. I knew the Buddha was knowledgeable, but who would have guessed Buddhist teachings had so much to say about communicating with teenagers?

Let’s Talk About Self-Talk

The first step of Cynthia’s Bodhisattva approach to communicating with teenagers is to listen to yourself. Though practicing honesty can be found throughout Cynthia’s entire method of communication, she says that it’s important to start with your own truths. Self-awareness really is the beginning of being able to interact with others in a more compassionate way.

Unfortunately, many teens don’t yet have the experience to reflect on how everyone is feeling in the moment let alone take stock of their emotional status. They aren’t always able to observe your intentions, so they act out or behave disrespectfully, causing conversations to escalate to a place that no one wants. In this way, when parents understand self-talk and can demonstrate their feelings clearly, communication gets a whole lot smoother.

For example, when parents and teenagers bottle up how they feel about a certain behavior, they’ll play the game of saying, “Nothing’s wrong,” when we know that’s not true. Using that phrase to dance around an issue that is clearly of importance can only muddy the waters and prevent you from effectively communicating with teenagers. This is why honesty and self-reflection are so important. When you listen to yourself, you can be more honest about how you feel and effectively cut through harmful defensive verbiage.

We often avoid our own negative feelings because they’re too uncomfortable to deal with, and this can block productive meaningful conversation from occurring. By listening to ourselves, we can start to become aware of the restrictive language that we implement when communicating with teenagers.

To hear about how Speech and Silence play into communication with teenagers, don’t forget to listen to the whole episode!

What is Restrictive Language?

Restrictive language is the kind of verbiage that causes us to feel stressed, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and even incapable. As a parent, listening to yourself is how you can catch when you have this negative mindset.

Cynthia mentions that this is an aspect of communicating with teenagers that a lot of parents are unaware of, but can make a huge impact at home. Once you’ve identified restrictive language in how you think, you can be more present when communicating with teenagers and have a genuine of conversation. Negativity is a total buzzkill when it comes to communication with teenagers.

Don’t Forget––Listening is Part of Communication!

Listening maintains several effective applications that you can implement as a parent while trying to communicate with your teenager. For one, listening to others improves your ability to notice when you’re not being present, like when you’re shopping at the grocery or are too self-involved in an argument. These situations can cause you to tune out details when communicating with teenagers.

There’s so Much More!

In practice, Kane’s insights help people more truthfully focus on their individual needs and build avenues of communication. These are crucial areas for parents to focus on if they want to improve and understand the relationship they have with their teen.

Empathy and honesty are amazing tools for building trust between parents and teenagers, but, just like many other methods of communication, they need to be practiced. It all begins with an acute awareness of one’s own self-talk, and Kane offers a unique process to communicate your needs and wants more openly.

In addition to canes special approach to communications listeners will discover:

Why silence is a key part of effective communication
Shutting do...

Ep 72: Know-It-All Teens Feb 16, 2020

Dr. Steven Sloman, co-author of The Knowledge Illusion and professor at Brown University, joins Andy for a conversation on knowledge, making deliberate decisions, and how to talk to your teen about the gaps in their knowledge around things like vaping.

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Full show notes

“Mom! Dad! Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Have you ever heard these words fly out of the mouth of your teenager?

If there were a remote control for a parent’s behavior, these words would probably be the equivalent of the “Volume Up” button.

Why do these words sting so much? Well, press the “Pause” button and consider this:

Your teenagers might be right. You might not know what you’re talking about. What’s frustrating, though, is that your teens probably don't know what they’re talking about either!

But what even were you “talking” about? Let’s take the hot-button topic for example: teens and vaping.

Is vaping bad for teens? Your gut instinct might be to say, “Yes! Of course it is!” But can you explain why? Can you describe how their lungs are absorbing this vapor and how their brains are reacting to the chemicals?

If you tell your teen that vaping is bad, but can’t explain why, then you might just be told:

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! Shut up!”

Knowledge on a topic like teens and vaping might seem peripheral. If you are concerned about your teens and vaping, you won’t change their behavior by claiming knowledge you don’t have.

So what can you do? You can’t be expected to know everything about every subject of controversy! To get some ideas, I spoke with knowledge expert, Dr. Steven Sloman.

Dr. Sloman is a leading researcher on the human mind, a professor at Brown University, and co-author of The Knowledge Illusion: Why We Never Think Alone. He’s an expert on how humans think, and he has one or two ideas on how to work with teens who think they know everything. His book isn’t specifically about teens, but it touches on prevalent issues during the teen years. I was eager to ask Dr. Sloman about human thinking during the teenage years, and how parents might apply his wisdom to issues like teens and vaping.

The Illusion of Explanatory Depth

Parents of teens might be very familiar with the Illusion of Explanatory Depth, even if they’ve never heard of it before. It is the illusion that people understand something when in fact they don’t.

Dr. Sloman cites a Yale study in which people were asked to rate their knowledge of everyday objects. The subjects were presented zippers, toilets, and pens, and asked how well they thought they understood how each one worked. The data shows all the subjects felt pretty confident in their understanding of such everyday objects. But this illusion was burst when the researchers asked the subjects to explain how those objects worked in as much detail as possible!

As it turned out, the subjects didn’t really have much to say. When the researchers asked the subjects to rate themselves a second time on how well they knew those objects, they lowered their rating. This demonstrates the Illusion of Explanatory Depth, that people think they know more than they really do.

So this isn’t really a teen problem, or even a problem linked to teens and vaping. It’s a people problem. Still, the Illusion of Explanatory Depth seems to show up a lot during the teenage years. Your teen might yell, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” but the Illusion of Explanatory Depth suggests your teen doesn’t know what they’re talking about, either. In fact, they’re more unaware than you of how much they’re living in an illusion. How might we go about addressing issues of teens and vaping?

Why Would Anyone Live in an Illusion?

In order to address the illusion of knowledge in teens, Dr. Sloman first asks:

“Why would anybody live in this illusion of understanding?”

He proposes that we live this way because we fail to distinguish what we know from what other people know. You think you understand how the toilet works because there’s a plumber who understands how the toilet works. You have access to the plumber’s knowledge, but the knowledge is sitting in the plumber’s head, not in yours.

Dr. Sloman explains that the reason we have this illusion is because, in a sense, we do understand! It’s not every individual that understands, but the collective communities that understand. And communities can succeed when everyone has specialized knowledge to share.

Who Do You Trust?

Every day we are taking advantage of other peoples’ knowledge. As long as we can use our toilet, we don’t need to know how the toilet works. Our lack of understanding doesn’t matter until the toilet brakes. Then we realize how dependent we are on the plumber.

This subconscious dependency on other people creates an interesting scenario for teenagers. Teens are caught in a high stakes decision where they have to choose which community they’re going to go along with and rely on for knowledge. They’re wondering what they should believe, how they should behave, and who they should hang around with. Dr. Sloman points out that all these identity questions will shape how teens experience the illusion of knowledge.

Since teens have so much curiosity, what they choose to believe quickly becomes a question of: Who do I trust? Whose ideas am I going to accept?

Exposing the Illusion

Dr. Sloman explains that we make decisions by virtue of the fact that people around us are also making decisions. For example, the best predictor of whether or not someone will give up vaping is whether or not their spouse has given up vaping.

When discussing teens and vaping, Dr. Sloman points out that oftentimes kids pick up the habit from their peers. So simply exposing your teen’s illusion of knowledge won’t be enough to convince them to stop. In a way, it’s most effective to convince the whole group on the issues of teens and vaping, so it’s best to operate at the social level.

On an issue like teens and vaping it’s even harder to convince a teen to quit because the research on vaping is somewhat inconclusive. You can ask teens to explain how vaping works, like in the study at Yale, but you might get a mixed bag of results.

If you sit down with kids who vape and ask them how it works, you might easily expose their lack of understanding. They might say,

“Well, you fill it up here, you press the button here, and it tastes like bubblegum.”

You can press them for further explanation on all three of those steps. Even if they seem super confident in their knowledge, a barrage of follow-up questions will quickly expose how little they know about the device and what’s in it. You can get them to doubt how much they know about vaping, and this is good! By breaking attachments they have to their preexisting understanding of teens and vaping, discussing the topic feels less polarized, extreme, or emotional.

There is a word of caution, t...

Ep 71: Laziness Ends Here Feb 09, 2020

Dr. Adam Price, author of He’s Not Lazy, shares the tricks and tips from his book. Dr. Price and Andy dive deep into all that Dr. Price has discovered about motivating “lazy” teens in during his 20+ years as a clinical psychologist.

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Full show notes

Teens face more pressure today than ever before. At times, it seems like a teenager’s only path to success comes from a rigorous schedule of academics, sports, community service, and a generally overwhelming amount of extracurricular activities. Such a routine builds tremendous stress in teens—and in their parents.

This can be alarming for parents whose teenagers are “lazy.” It’s no secret that what kids do in school every year counts toward their future opportunities. In a society where young people are expected to be hyperactive achievers, parents with unmotivated teens worry their teens are doomed to fail – it’s like they don’t care about anything at all!!! Luckily, there are a variety of ways to assist parents who don’t know how to motivate lazy teenagers. That’s the topic of this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode, “Laziness Ends Here.”

This week, I spoke with clinical psychologist and former Associate Director at Family Connections, Dr. Adam Price to understand exactly how to motivate lazy teenagers. He’s the author of He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himselfand has published many articles on family and child therapy in issues of The Wall Street Journal and Family Circle. With more than 20 years in the practice and a specialization in adolescent males, Price has seen it all.

Common Causes

Knowing the common causes of uninspired behavior is half the battle of understanding how to motivate lazy teenagers. To Price, “lazy” teenage behavior stems from two places:

First, there is the enormous amount of pressure on teens to always be above-and-beyond average. There are no longer “late bloomers,” despite a wide array of cognitive developmental rates in teens. Instead, we now label them as “underachievers.”

Secondly, because they are made to feel that the stakes are so high at every stage, parents micromanage; they attempt to control their teen’s life by taking away the teen’s.

It might seem like the pressure for teens to do well and ending up with overparenting are almost inevitable realities for teenagers who can’t seem to kick it into gear. If they shut down under pressure, then it’s up to their parents to shoulder that anxiety and make sure their child succeeds. But knowing how to motivate lazy teenagers counteracts both of these realities. According to Dr. Price, you can subvert the overwhelming pressure that your child is feeling and inspire them to get their life together by holding them accountable for their decisions.

In order to address how to motivate lazy teenagers, Dr. Price focuses on the role that accountability plays in two major aspects of your child’s life:

Personal Interest
Autonomy

By balancing accountability with these particular features, you can move your teen to react in accordance with their responsibilities. During our discussion, Dr. Price walked me through how to motivate lazy teenagers with comprehensible examples and scripts that you can apply in your home today! Here’s just a glimpse of how it works:

Internalizing Motivation

There's a lot of material in school that kids just aren’t interested in. And who can blame them? Is it particularly relevant to your life that the mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell? Plus, the increased pressure that academics place on teenagers today can make studying or extracurriculars extra-daunting. However, when teens have a genuine interest in a given topic, that is where all their energy is redirected.

In order to understand how to motivate lazy teenagers, you first need to know what your child is interested. Then you can look for ways to combine their interests with their responsibilities and potential career paths. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “It’s impossible to get my child excited about math. I don’t even like math!” Well, instead of trying to get your child excited about generic textbook material, you can look for things that your child is already interested! From there, you can try to extrapolate potential careers and applications of what they’re learning in school.

You want to know how to motivate lazy teenagers in a way that is internalized so that their initiative is lasting, and you can be more hands-off. For example, if your teen holds an interest in rock-climbing and outdoor activities, you might direct their awareness to a career in environmental science and preservation. A good way to frame it is, “If you like spending time outdoors now, here’s how you can do more of that in the future!”. But make it clear that in order to find success, they’ll have to do well in their science classes and get into a good college. This internalizes their personal interests and motivates them to hold themselves accountable.

When your teen conflates their personal interests with their responsibilities, they internalize the reward and are likely to follow through. Research finds that external rewards like good grades or even monetary prizes can actually reduce motivation if they aren’t linked to internal rewards. Personal interests are actually so transformative that they can negate the mental stakes of not doing well in school. Instead, they take advantage of your teens’ ambitions and motivate them to work harder.

Dealing with Consequences

Autonomy is about choices. When your teen makes a decision about their life, they are exercising control and self-governance. These choices can include everything from wanting to try out for the soccer team vs. staying at home to activities like hosting a sleepover the night before going to church the next morning. So what can your struggling teen’s autonomy do to help you understand how to motivate lazy teenagers?

According to Dr. Price, increasing your child’s ability to make choices can help you discover how to motivate lazy teenagers by showing them the power of decision making, including neglecting their responsibilities. So, does this mean you should let your child do whatever they want? Not exactly. This is where accountability comes in.

Accountability works with your teen’s autonomy by compelling them to live with the consequences of their decisions. For example, if your child decides they want to have a sleepover on a weeknight, that’s fine. If they can get all their schoolwork done and properly allocate their time, that’s great! But if they stay up until 4 am, then you have to hold them accountable by making sure they go to school the next day and still attend sports practice.

Balancing accountability with your teen’s autonomy is all about boundaries; these are the limits you place on your child. And knowing how to motivate lazy teenagers is an evolving process. When your child is younger, you want their boundaries to be small enough that you can make sure they don’t get into trouble and that they can function on their own. As they start to grow into their teenage years, the boundaries grow with them. They start to take on more adult responsibilities and if you’re not there...

Ep 70: Sexual Identity Challenges Feb 02, 2020

Richie Jackson, author of the newly-released Gay Like Me and long-time, award-winning TV/film and theater producer, joins Andy this week. Richie and Andy discuss how parents can support their teens in their own journey of sexual identity, and how teens might become allies for their friends in the LGBTQ community.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Gay like Me

These days it seems like just about everyone is ok with gay; there are more LGBTQ characters on TV, same-sex marriage is legal, and many religious groups originally against homosexuality are starting to come around. However, members of the LGBTQ community are persecuted and slandered every day. There are still numerous nations where it’s illegal to be gay and there are many places in the United States where people are killed for their sexual orientation. Regardless of location, members of the LGBTQ community confront challenges for sexual identity on a daily basis. This challenge could be someone using a gay slur and refusing to apologize because they didn’t mean it in that way. Or, heaven forbid, they come face to face with a homophobe who threatens or assaults them for liking the same sex. Yes, we all struggle with our identities but the struggle is much harder for people who’ve been told they will never be accepted.

While homosexuality is far more accepted nowadays, struggles that LGBTQ teens face are new ground and can be confusing territory for parents. Parents are apprehensive about sex talks with their teens, but those with LGBTQ-identifying teens can feel more ill-equipped. Despite the trend toward more acceptance, there are many challenges for sexual identity that straight people cannot fathom. Representation of homosexuality in history books is virtually non-existent, and TV and film depictions are often stereotyped or exaggerated. While tech-savvy teens can tap into supportive online LGBTQ communities, navigating challenges for sexual identity in the real world is not as easy—and often not as friendly.

For parents of LGBTQ children, it feels daunting to prepare your teen for a world that isn’t always accepting. Richie Jackson, an openly-gay Broadway and television show producer, felt similarly when he was preparing to send his gay son off to college. Even though his son grew up in an era much more accepting of homosexuality than Richie did, he knew his son had a lot to learn about navigating life as a gay man. So Richie started writing letters to his son, so many letters that he accumulated enough material for the beginning of a book. These letters were published in Richie’s first book Gay Like Me: A Father Writes to His Son. In this book, Richie shares stories from his own life, the good, the bad, and the humorous, as well as stories of LGBTQ leaders, creatives, and trailblazers. The book is an important read not just for those facing challenges for sexual identity, but for parents of homosexual and heterosexual kids alike. Richie insists that all parents must understand the struggles of LGBTQ people in order to empower their LGBTQ teen and, if they have straight children, to teach them to be better allies to their queer peers.

Please note that the term “queer” is used throughout this article and in the episode. Queer is a term that nowadays is used to describe anyone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and/or questioning their sexuality. Though previously used as a gay slur, the word queer has been reclaimed as an empowering term to describe the LGBTQ people who have formed an inclusive culture and community for themselves despite facing challenges for sexual identity.

Know Your History

Richie believes that if you’re a parent of a queer teen, it’s vital that you be the one to show them how to face challenges for sexual identity. If you’re a straight parent, you may be thinking “how can I help them with challenges for sexual identity? I have no idea what it’s like to be LGBTQ!” In order to help them, Richie insists that you get informed about LGBTQ history, find shows that accurately and earnestly portray the queer experience, and provide an environment where talking about sexual identity is accepted. And parent’s of straight teens are not disqualified from talking about sexual identities with their kids. Richie insistst that it’s important for herosexual teens to learn about the queer experience in order to create a more accepting environment for their LGBTQ friends, classmates, and teachers.

Starting a conversation about what it’s like to be queer can be as easy as sharing a personal story. For example, Richie shares his experience seeing the broadway show Torch Song Trilogy with his mother in the early 80’s. At the time, being gay was barely acknowledged and certainly not accepted. The show’s portrayal of a gay man was unlike anything he’d ever seen. After seeing the show, his mother told him that she would never reject him for being gay. His mother’s acceptance empowered Richie to come out and eventually use his challenges for sexual identity as an inspiration for many of his future endeavors. Richie states that the earlier parents express their acceptance and support of queerness in general, the easier it will be for queer teens to come out and the more prepared straight teens will be to provide allyship to the LGBTQ community.

No matter your teen’s sexual identity or gender, making sure they are informed about LGBTQ history is an important part of instilling queer-affirming beliefs in your teen. That means teaching them about the Stonewall Riots, which was a series of political uprisings in response to police brutality against the LGBTQ community in 1969. It also means teaching them about the AIDS pandemic. Additionally, it’s important to teach teens about LBTQ activists like Marsha P. Johnson, an African American Drag Queen who was a major player in the Stonewall Riots. The list of important events and people in LGBTQ history is vast, and unfortunately wildly unknown because most schools ignore LGBTQ history. When queer teens learn about the multitude of LGBTQ people who paved the way for them to be open about their sexuality, they are more empowered to handle challenges for sexual identity. Additionally, straight teens will develop more empathy and understanding for their LGBTQ peers when they learn about the hardships queer people have endured to be accepted into modern society.

Let’s Talk about Sex

Richie points out that regardless of how progressive your teen’s school is, less than 7% of LGBTQ kids get an inclusive sexual education. This makes it harder for them to have mutually fulfilling intimacy with their partners and frankly, harder for them to know what to do when they have sex. Learning about same-sex intimacy can be uncomfortable and unfamiliar for many parents. But in order to support queer teens, you have to be open, informed, and frank with them about sex. To hear more about challenges for sexual identity when it comes to intimacy and how to talk about these challenges with queer teens, tune into the episode.

Challenges for sexual identity are often caused by the misconceptions of heterosexual people who have no idea what it’s like to be in a queer person’s shoes. So regardless of what your teen’s sexual identity is, R...

Ep 69: Happier Parenting Jan 26, 2020

KJ Dell’Antonia, author of How to Be a Happier Parent, joins Andy for a look at how to get happier while parenting. It’s time for parents to stop thinking about their kids so much and get back to what makes them happy!

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Full show notes

Remember the days when you’d lose your mind over kids drawing on the walls or refusing to eat the dinner you prepared for them? You might still experience the same headache with your teenager. But you put up with it because parenting is about loving your children, no matter what wild rides they put you through! However, parents so often put themselves before their children, but they can unintentionally neglect their own happiness.

I don’t think parents should have to sacrifice their own happiness in order to be a successful parent and raise good kids. I think there’s a trick to simple happy parenting, and the best way to uncover it is to talk to the pros.

In order to figure out the tricks to happy parenting, I called up KJ Dell’Antonia. KJ has been a parenting expert for the better part of a decade, and she has a wealth of knowledge about happy parenting. KJ is an accomplished author, having written first for Slate and then the New York Times. She hosts a parenting podcast with Jessica Lahey, and she is also about to publish her first novel!

In addition to her personal career, KJ is an accomplished parent. She has raised four kids, and much of her parenting experience has fed her career as a writer. Her most recent book on parenting, How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute of It, is an awesome resource that I myself love. This week, KJ helps me investigate methods to happier parenting.

The Situation

It’s a hectic Sunday afternoon. You’ve been running around all weekend, going from activity to activity. Two of your teens have soccer tournaments, and both are inconveniently located on opposite sides of town. If either one goes to overtime, you’ll be late to your third teen’s spring musical at the high school theater. You’re exhausted, and you still need to figure out dinner.

In the attempt to keep up with all of your teen’s activities, you hardly had a moment to catch your breath. In these moments of exhaustion, it can be so easy to feel discouraged when facing the world. But what strategies can you use to achieve simple happy parenting?

While she was editor for the New York Times, she wanted to share a piece on simple happy parenting. She decided to come up with a list of solutions that would make her feel happier as a parent. However, she quickly realized that she did not have enough time in the day to invest in “happy parenting” methods and needed to pivot her approach.

Instead of adding new activities to boost happiness like yoga, 2-hour runs, or hot stone massages, she needed to be taking stuff off her plate. Parenting is crazy enough, so reducing her hectic schedule is what helped KJ unlock the trick to happy parenting.

The key to happy parenting is finding ways to make parenting less stressful.

This proves to be a beneficial strategy, and sparked inspiration for How to Be a Happier Parent.

The “Ground Rule” Solution

KJ decided that the easiest way to make parenting less stressful was to create ground rules for certain parts of family life. This made expectations clear for everyone, and in turn reduced the general chaos of family life. One solution KJ created was a set of five ground rules for dinner because she found it difficult to make a meal without one of her children complaining. Here’s one in action:

Rule #1:

At KJ’s table, everyone in her family has to accept everything on their plate. Before this rule, it was relatively common for one of her children to reject the food presented to them outright. In response, KJ said that everyone had to accept the food that is given to them. Whether or not everyone likes the food is up to them, but her teens can’t ask for a whole ‘nother meal to be made especially for them. Implementing this rule was great, KJ says, because it helped reduce her stress at the end of long days.

As she implemented this strategy of creating simple ground rules, KJ quickly found that this strategy wouldn’t work in every situation.

Another example she mentioned to me was getting dirty dishes in the dishwasher. One of her daughters would put her dishes in the dishwasher every time, and never needed a parent to stand over her shoulder to make sure things got in place.

Contrarily, KJ’s other daughter would chronically forget that the dishwasher ever existed. She would leave dirty dishes around all the time, and rarely get them in the dishwasher unless KJ was on her case about it.

In situations like these, KJ told me that sometimes there is nothing you can do to create happy parenting.

Ultimately, the trick for parents is that they need to be resilient about asking teens to complete tasks. It is a great help when they are done correctly, and these skills are things they will remember for the rest of their lives. Some teens will have no problem following rules, but others might need to be reminded on a daily basis. It might take a year of moving your kid’s dirty dishes to their bedroom for them to actually remember to clean them on their own!

But, don’t give up hope. You can’t expect teens to be perfect because progress doesn’t happen overnight. However, with the right guidance, the “ground rule” solution will help good behaviors become muscle memory to them.

Over-Involvement

Another strategy for simple happy parenting that KJ mentions is to avoid getting over-involved with your kids’ lives. Surprisingly, over-involvement is a common issue among fathers who fixate on their teenagers’ performance in sports. It is easy for these parents to get carried away with their teens’ lives because they want to be supportive and helpful, but it can be harmful for both the parent and the teen. Unfortunately, over-involvement in cheering for your teen has negative side-effects.

One downside to over-involvement is that parents can lose sight of themselves. If parents lose sight of themselves, they might also lose sight of happy parenting. It is important that parents make sacrifices for their kids, but not to the extent that they are constantly unhappy or unable to focus on themselves.

When you lose focus on yourself, your happiness can become dependent on what you are focusing on. If a father is constantly focused on his teen’s high school batting average, the teen might think Dad’s happiness is based on athletic performance. On one hand, it puts extra pressure on the teenager. On the other, basing a father-son relationship on something as insignificant as a high school batting average is unhealthy for everyone. It doesn’t make sense for a father (or anyone) to be happy only when their son is having a good day on the field. Teenagers should not be expected to bear the brunt of someone else’s happiness!

Parents can avoid over-involvement by looking at the bigger picture. By focusing on the bigger pictu...

Ep 68: What You Don't Know About Teen Hook-up Culture Jan 19, 2020

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex, a current New York Times Bestseller (as well as several other bestsellers!), joins Andy for an in-depth conversation about the culture of sex, intimacy, and relationships that teens are facing and which conversations are crucial to have with your teens - despite how awkward it may be!

Full show notesTeenage hookup culture is dangerous. And while most parents are aware of how scary and confusing it is for girls, society at large is neglecting a significant percentage of the participants: boys.

Despite what social norms generally say about boys, young men have feelings too. Unfortunately, media and male role models are rarely depicted as anything but macho, “strong,” assertive, and sexually dominant. While parents may encourage their girls to play sports and stand up for themselves, it is still taboo to encourage teen boys to dance, craft, or be vulnerable. These cultural norms can have a huge impact on teen behavior across the gender spectrum, especially when it comes to (teenage hookup culture) their sexuality. Luckily, there are proven ways to mitigate harmful behavior.

But norms are pervasive, and sending negative messages according to the gender binary, overt or subliminal, about how adolescents are supposed to act hurts everyone. Teen boys are “supposed” to be aggressive, impersonal, and sexually dominant. Girls face conflicting messages, locked into submissive, inanimate, prude, and sexually alluring roles. These messages create harmful expectations and behaviors, and when put to the test in today’s teenage hookup culture, your child could face the consequences. That’s why the focus of our Talking to Teens podcast this week is “What You Don’t Know About Teenage Hookup Culture.”

This week, New York Times bestselling author, Peggy Orenstein, joins me for a candid discussion about her collection of books on teenage hookup culture. Her latest book, Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent and Navigating the New Masculinity (2020), explores how young men understand and negotiate the new rules of physical and emotional intimacy. It follows on the heels of Orenstein’s second foray into teen hookup culture from women’s perspectives, Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape (2016).

Peggy conducted research for Boys and Sex through qualitative interviews about teen experiences with sexuality. She found that open communication and education about healthy sexual relationships mitigates the harmful behavior of teenage hookup culture. This works primarily by:

Subverting Harmful Messaging
Prioritizing Your Teen’s Safety and Happiness
Promoting Mutual Empathy in Relationships

In the podcast, Peggy clued me in on how communication can be used to apply these virtues in successful parenting scenarios. We also discuss the gripping revelations from her other books, Schoolgirls (1995), Flux (2001), and Cinderella Ate My Daughter 2012. Her research is so important to the wellbeing of young adults navigating today’s teenage hookup culture that parents should absolutely hear what she has to say in detail. Here’s just a hint at her findings:

How Much Do You Know About Teenage Hookup Culture?

Teenage hookup culture is the social behavior of encouraging casual sex encounters. This practice isn’t inherently bad, but it is largely informed by harmful messaging about gender roles. One negative aspect of this messaging that Peggy’s books address is the emotional vacancy that boys are encouraged to adopt as part of their sexuality.

The reason teenage hookup culture tells boys to reject intimacy is to take ownership of the people they have sex with. In movies and TV shows, the cool characters are often portrayed as womanizers or men with a long sexual history, highlighting their emotional callouses. These messages make it so that sex is about building social capital rather than empowering a partner and yourself. However, sex is an intimate act and is personal by nature. This is why teens turn to alcohol for a dangerous buffer to their emotions and general cognition.

In our conversation, Peggy notes that teenage hookup culture is dependent on alcohol to create the sense of “compulsory carelessness.” When teens are urged to make their sexual relationships feel meaningless and treat them like commodities, they often turn to alcohol to numb their authentic selves. This dynamic can lead to substance abuse, violent relationships, and emotional trauma for the people involved.

So how can parents mitigate these behaviors?

The Benefits of Open Communication

Communicating openly is an opportunity for you to directly address the messages of teenage hookup culture that often conflict with teen’s emotional wellbeing. More than just the “birds and the bees” discussion or relaying the negative aspects of sexuality, teens should be encouraged to speak openly about their interests and inexperience.

When we talk to our kids about sex, particularly girls, it’s usually in a protective context. We do this because we recognize how teenage hookup culture cultivates a destructive narrative around sexuality. One way that parents can undermine this narrative is by addressing locker room talk.

Locker room talk is a perfect example of how these messages become ingrained in young adults. It’s also why male parents are commonly overprotective of their daughters. They know how women’s bodies and sexuality are discussed and naturally wish to protect their daughters from encountering such harm. But this toxic behavior also makes it so that boys cannot express their concerns about sexuality. As Peggy details in her book, boys that felt uncomfortable with the aggressive attitude of locker room talk were pressured into conformity.

As it turns out, boys are as equally confounded as their female peers when it comes to sex, intimacy, and relationships. Almost all the information we give teens about sex is risk-based; that is, we tell our teens all the “bad” things that might happen, such as diseases, sexual assault, rape, pregnancy, and skip out on everything else. These messages, combined with the vernacular of locker room talk, create a very hostile perception of what sex is like.

Parents can mitigate the harmful behavior of teenage hookup culture by creating a safe and secure space for teens to talk about their concerns. When teenagers feel like they have a trusted confidante to talk about these intimate matters, they’re more likely to ask genuine questions about teenage hookup culture and the kinds of activities that wo...

Ep 67: The Hidden Secrets of Teenage Success Jan 12, 2020

Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure and storied educator, shares the secrets of what makes teens successful in academics, at home, and in the world. If your teen does fail, Lahey knows where to look to find the silver lining.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Picture the scene: your teen sends you a frantic message from school, telling you that they left an important piece of weekly vocab homework behind. You walk to their room, check their desk, and immediately spot their homework sitting off to the side of their desk, buried under an empty glass of water and their video game system. What is the right thing to do in this situation?

Should you answer your kids wishes and bail them out?
Or do you leave the homework behind and resume your day in order to make the daily briefing at your job on time?

This is no easy dilemma for a parent to solve, and an even greater question is how to improve your life as a teenager to not make these mistakes.

On one hand, you would allow your child to fail by not bringing their work to them. On the other hand, is it totally right to fix every problem for you child? The idea of failure so often challenges the deepest motivations of a person, and how one responds to failure is a defining aspect of character. Improvement from failure demonstrates a person’s fortitude and drive for success.

Culturally, the idea of failure for children has been sometimes rejected by parents, as one of the core goals of parenthood is to raise your child to be successful. The mentality of “my kids are always right” can be exemplified as a parent meeting with their kid’s teacher in order to advocate for their child’s work, replacing a bad grade with one that the parent deems appropriate.

How to improve your life as a teenager is a problem that I’ve had on my mind lately. We all know that failure is human because nobody is perfect. But how do we help teens learn how to improve your life as a teenager through failure?

Failure has been on my mind because children who, say, always forget their homework but have Mom or Dad to save the day never learn the lesson of forgetting their homework. The lesson parents are telling their children is that they will always have someone to cover for their mistakes. This is not how to improve your life as a teenager. How is it possible for children and teens to improve into the best version of themselves if they are never forced to confront failure even once in their lives?

With me this week on Talking to Teens is Jessica Lahey. Jessica is an astounding woman who has taught for years in middle school and high school, written the New York Times parent-teacher advice column, the Atlantic and Washington Post. Her book, The Gift of Failure, is a NYT bestseller and can be found in bookstores across the world, from Argentina to the United States and everywhere in between. Jessica is an expert on the idea of failure and how it should be used by parents to encourage teens on how to improve your life as a teenager, and I am so excited to have her with me this week!

Solving the Dilemma

The product of steering kids away from failure makes them unable to cope with the idea of failure, and therefore are unable to find an angle to improve from their failure. By coincidence, Jessica had encountered the same conundrum of whether or not she should bring her child’s homework to school for them. Jessica was going to her son’s school that day for an unrelated reason, but she was faced with the dilemma of bringing her son’s homework to school, or leave it at home and force him to confront his mistake?

Jessica decided to leave her son’s work at home, reasoning that she wanted to give him the chance to prove that he could adapt to his mistakes and learn how to improve your life as a teenager. When her son came home that day, he had already spent some time thinking about what had happened with his teacher. He told Jessica that he wanted to create a checklist so that he could practice remembering his homework every day. For the past couple years, Jessica’s son has made a checklist every year for the things he needs before he goes to school.

This is a perfect demonstration of the positive learning and improvement that can arise from situations when teens are forced to confront the idea of failure. Moments of failure can be some of the strongest lessons for parents to use because the way teens respond to adversary is a core function of a human being. By being placed into situations where teens will be forced to confront their shortcomings, they will be able to learn how to improve your life as a teenager. For this reason, it is important that parents don’t maintain the façade of perfection with their children.

Identifying Failure as Growth

It could be difficult for a parent to understand how to improve your life as a teenager and when they can use failure as a moment to grow. One example of how to use a moment for growth is when your teen doesn’t complete a chore in the right manner. As a parent, your impulse might be to redo the chore in a manner that you are satisfied with, but this overrides the potential for your teen to grow in the situation.

A good method to demonstrate how to improve your life as a teenager would be to bring your kid back in to the situation and explain to them why you aren’t satisfied with their chore. Asking them to fix the chore so that its done in an efficient and productive manner gives your child the chance to learn from their mistakes and practice methods to remember how to do it properly when they are asked again. Doing things right the first time can save teens a lifetime of stress.

Additionally, it is good to remember that teens are teens, and nobody is perfect! They are still developing all the time, and it should be easy to forgive your young adult if they do make a mistake. Feeling afraid to fail is not how to improve your life as a teenager.

Sometimes teens will totally forget how to load the dishwasher correctly, or where the broom is kept in the house. Forgiveness for instances of forgetfulness is a wonderful skill to assist parents when teaching their children failure. Kids become more and more competent with each passing day, and to expect them to be completely perfect is absurd. They’re absolutely better at emptying the dishwasher today than they were a year ago. Keeping a mindset over long-term growth can help parents be more comfortable in teaching failure, because you know that teens are always improving.

In addition to how to improve your life as a teenager, Jessica and I discuss…

“Learned Helplessness”
Failure and the education system
The fine line between “social jostling” and bullying
Identifying your teens signals
How to institute a routine “clean out”

Thank you so much for tuning in! I hope that you have been able to take away some of this wonderful information Jessica Lahey shared about how to improve your life as a teenager. If you’re interested in learning more tips from Jessica on the art of failure, check out her book The Gift of Failure, available wherever books are sold. Have a great day!

Ep 66: Grown and Flown and Still Parenting Jan 05, 2020

Lisa Heffernan, co-founder and author of Grown & Flown, shares her vast knowledge on parenting during the late-teens and even early 20s. Our Kids may be more grown up, but it doesn’t mean parents don’t still have an important role to play!

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

The day will come when you have to drop off your child in their new room and go home without them. They’ll likely be smiling, waving as you depart, from their cozy new dorm room. It’s a surreal moment of mixed emotions to see your child grow up and start living on their own for the first time.

The process of letting your teen go on their own can be frightening for parents. The world is vast and chaotic, and leaving your child to figure things out is both a time of pride and fear. On college drop-off day, it’s normal for parents to experience both excitement and dread.

I have a lot of burning questions about this monumental moment.

How can families prepare for a teen to leave the nest?

Is it more important to teach teens about independence, or following the rules?

Will teens be in danger without parental supervision?

To get to the bottom of these questions, I interviewed Lisa Heffernan about control, the process of letting go, and finding a balance between it all as teens enter their own world.

Lisa is the co-author of Grown and Flown, which collects information, advice, and helpful tips from teen experts about teens leaving home. Lisa was a parent who found herself without any helpful information on parenting tips from the ages of 15-25. This caused her to start the blog called Grown and Flown with her co-founder and collaborator Mary Dell Harrington. The blog has received millions of page views since the opening, and spurned Lisa and her team to go further by creating a Facebook group which has grown to over 130,000+ members.

Today, Lisa helped answer everything about the art of letting go with hot topics such as helicopter parenting and monitoring your child’s grades. The trick, Lisa tells me, is to strike a balance between following rules and giving autonomy for your teen. Without being overprotective, here are a few of Lisa’s top insights and tips on creating a relationship that will guide your teen towards healthy choices and being grown and flown.

Helicopter Parenting

One of the most common parenting tropes today is the idea of a “helicopter parent,” who ties to control every minutia of their teen’s life. Lisa says that the concept of being a helicopter parent is so undesirable that many parents are fraught with anxiety over their actions because they don’t want to be seen as a helicopter parent. Helicopter parenting can be a huge roadblock in having your teen become grown and flown.

First, it is helpful to know what a helicopter parent is. Helicopter parenting would be returning to your teen’s dorm every week to clean and inspect their room. Or, another example of helicopter parenting would be to steer your child into a desired career field which will make them a lot of money over letting them choose a career on their own. Helicopter parenting is characterized by a parent’s overinvolvement in their child or teen’s life. By controlling your child down to the smallest level, teens aren’t able to form their own ideas about what they want to do or develop any sense of independence to become grown and flown.

When teens aren’t able to establish an independent identity, there is a risk that they will not understand how to function when they are grown and flown. This can make the transition to independent living much more challenging for teenagers than it would have been if they had an idea of who they were before going on their own. In the worst cases, a teen having an identity crisis while they are living on their own can result in dangerous situations for both parties if they are unprepared. That is why it is so important to nurture independence in the household, and to strike a balance between the two when it comes to raising your teen.

One tip to practice balancing independence and authority Lisa has identified is the oversight a parent maintains over the grades of their teenager. Technological advancements have allowed for student’s grades to be viewed on demand for parents instead of having to wait the entire semester to receive a report card. Many parents have access to their teen’s grades through the websites services that schools use to record this information, complete with their own password and login. Parents who slip into the “helicopter parent” mentality over their child’s academic performance might check their child’s grades daily, sometimes even twice or three times a day!

Monitoring Your Child’s Grades

I asked Lisa where here research has led her on the topic of monitoring grades, and parents can do this in a balanced manner. First, Lisa shared that it is important to keep an eye on how your teen is doing academically. If there are warning signs that your teen is struggling, then it is crucial to stay up-to-date on that information. However, parents do need to understand that they need to give their teen some form of autonomy over their grades and allow them to succeed or fail on their own.

An example of helicopter parenting your teen’s grades would be hovering over the parent portal, waiting all day to see what they got on their most recent exam. This is not the way for a parent to go about checking grades. A better tip for parents to demonstrate trust in their teen is to take a step back from grade monitoring. This will absolutely build the skillset to make your teen grown and flown.

On the other hand, don’t be an uninvolved parent. Being uninvolved in your teen’s grades would be forgetting to check on them, or blindly trusting your teen to report them to you. You want to give them autonomy, but at the same time parents shouldn’t be in a place where they can’t extend oversight to what their teens are doing. They are only teenagers, after all, and shouldn’t be expected to function as a grown and flown child.

One tip for parents who want to develop trust between teens and their grades is by giving them the ability to try and fail on their own. Set some ground rules! You could tell your teen that you will only check their grades once a month, simply to stay up to date on how they are doing. Or, you could give them the option to report their grades to you, without even looking through the parent portal.

By allowing your teen to practice accountability in their school life, you can help them achieve a better version of independent thought and allow them to build skills that will lead them to become grown and flown. Finding this balance between oversight and independence is challenging but is totally achievable for parents.

You Can Achieve Grown and Flown Balance!

Striking a balance between protection and independence extends into so many other areas of parenting as well. In the rest of the podcast, Lisa and I talk about achieving balance to prepare for the grown and flown days. Other topics include…

Parenting and tracking software
How to help your teen through heartbreak
Building a dialogue around ...

Ep 65: 'Punishment' is a Trick Tactic Dec 29, 2019

Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Sibling, founded Aha! Parenting as a resource for parents who are struggling to control their disobedient, disrespectful, and/or depressive kid. Dr. Markham shares her secrets for how to flip punishment on its head and get the best possible results--and relationship--with your teen.

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You caught your teen lying to you. He missed curfew, and the reason was NOT finishing a school project with his friend. One glance at his friend’s Instagram feed clearly shows the two of them at a party.

Now you’re angry. Your teen has taken advantage of your trust, and you want justice. You might want to raise your voice and scream and yell. You might even want to punish him. But this is also where you might want to stop for a minute, and consider something about punishments for teenagers.

More and more research is showing that coming up with punishments for teenagers doesn’t make them behave better. In fact, it’s more likely that punishing kids teaches them to become better liars. (More on that below!)

If punishments for teenagers aren’t helping, though, what can parents do to enforce their own rules? To get some quality, scientifically-backed ideas, I spoke with Dr. Laura Markham.

Dr. Markham is all about setting limits and enforcing boundaries without yelling or using punishments for teenagers. She earned her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Columbia University, and is the founder of the website Aha! Parenting. She is a parenting expert, a researcher, and the author of the books Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook. And as a mother, herself, she knows the value of having a strong, emotional connection with your kids.

So what is the number one thing we can learn from this parenting expert?

An Emotionally Stable Relationship

The first thing Dr. Markham wants parents to understand is that parenting is NOT a set of strategies. Parenting is a relationship. She wants parents to have a comprehensive plan for connecting with their teen. For her, the goal is to build a strong, trusting, and lasting relationship without reverting to old-fashioned punishments for teenagers.

According to Dr. Markham, the first step for parents is to learn how to regulate their own emotions. Your kids, especially teenagers, know how to push your buttons. Sometimes it can feel like a personal attack. In these scenarios, though, she says it’s vitally important to take a breath and ask yourself,

“Why does my kid feel the need to treat me this way right now?”

Likely, the answer is that your teen doesn’t feel understood. It might also be possible that your teen doesn’t feel like you’re listening. Instead of dishing out punishments for teenagers when they act out, Dr. Markham suggests that parents pause and ask their teens,

“Hey, what’s going on? What’s making you want to treat me this way?”.

When you withhold anger from your teen, you make it easier for your child to connect with you. This feeds into the second step, which is learning how to reinforce that connection.

Communication

In any relationship, a consistent line of open communication is extremely healthy. Without healthy, open communication, there is no relationship. In this way, you want to make it as easy as possible for your teen to talk to you. Here’s how:

If your teen is struggling with a serious problem, you want your teen to tell you about it. However, giving punishments for teenagers who mess up makes them less likely to be open about their troubles in the future. Teens won’t share bigger school or friendship problems if they are afraid you will get angry, or punish them.

If you yell at your teen for missing one school assignment, what kind of reaction will your teen expect when they want to voice something more serious? They might be too afraid to share more complex problems, like a friend who is touching them inappropriately. We don’t want that.

Coaching Your Child

If you can regulate your own emotions and teach your child that they can trust you with their problems, you’re on the right track! In fact, you’re ready for the advanced techniques… Next, comes Dr. Markham’s third step: coaching your child to be his or her best self.

Teens need guidance working through new emotions, and it’s a parent’s job to be an emotionally-stable coach. By demonstrating calm, attentive, connectedness with your teen, you can meet them where they’re at, and help them work through their problems. Dr. Markham says showing off your inner-zen can help your kids feel deeply understood. They may not even feel the need to act out!

Imagine that! A relationship with your teenager where they don’t feel like pressing your buttons and making you mad! Wow! And no punishments for teenagers were involved in the making of this relationship!

Not Punishing Your Kids

Dr. Markham explains that the parent-child relationship is like any other relationship. There should be mutual care and respect. There will of course be arguments, but in a caring relationship where one person respects the other, there is no reason to punish.

Not using punishments for teenagers when they cross the line might sound like a novel concept to some parents. If you’re still skeptical, Dr. Markham asks you to think about your own teen years. How did you react when your parents punished you? Did you think about how you messed up, and how you were going to behave better in the future? Probably not! You probably reacted by thinking about how unfair your parents were! You probably thought they were being mean, and that they didn’t understand what you were going through.

Dr. Markham points out that punishments for teenagers only perpetuate their anger and holds their focus on the power struggle. If a teen is being punished for lying, they aren’t motivated to stop lying in the future. They are just motivated to be better at getting away with it to avoid punishment. They become better liars!

To be clear, kids still need discipline. A better way to approach bad behavior is to encourage teens to reflect on their wrongdoing. Dr. Markham wants parents to recognize that punishments can ruin a teen’s motivation to reflect. So how do you motivate your kid to reflect on their mistakes?

Teaching Kids the Importance of Your Relationship

Let’s say you get an email from a teacher explaining that your teenager has fallen behind on homework. This might be a surprise, especially if you asked your teen a week ago how homework was going, and they said they had it under control. You are now u...

Ep 64: A Way Through the Toughest Conversations Dec 22, 2019

Dr. Amy Alamar, author of The Parenting Project and Parenting for the Genius, takes insight from the educational sphere and applies it to practical parenting techniques to get through to your teen. Whether you have a teen that shuts down, or one that over-shares, Dr. Alamar has suggestions for exactly what to say when the tough conversations get going!

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Do you notice your teen shutting down and pushing you out? As teens strive to become individuals, they start to communicate less and less with parents. This is a common ‘side effect’ of growing up, but it isn’t all bad. Making decisions independently is a critical skill all teenagers need to learn. Although, if parents struggle to keep a close relationship with their teens, there can be more conflict and difficulty when it comes to teaching life lessons.

Amy Alamar, author of The Parenting Project: Build Extraordinary Relationships With Your Kids Through Daily Conversation, believes the best way to know your child is through conversation. As an experienced teacher and researcher, Amy uses academic research and psychological concepts to break down the most effective ways to communicate with teens. Her methods involve daily techniques you can use to build extraordinary relationships through conversation. Even when it comes to the most trying topics!

In this episode of the podcast, we cover everything from managing our reactions to word-for-word scripts for the toughest situations. Here are some of the major takeaways.

Recognize Your Reactions

Certain types of conversation make us act and react differently, we can’t help it. And sometimes our apparent shock or frustration can cause a teen to back out of the dialogue. As parents, if we’re discussing something that makes us afraid, like our teen driving for the first time, our emotions are heightened. We have a totally different energy than if we were talking to our teens about intimacy, or being a self-advocate.

Amy advises that we walk our teens through our own emotions so they aren’t put off by a genuine reaction. Simply explaining, “I’m not judging you, I’m just surprised,” can make a world of difference. It might take a minute to calm down, but it’s important to let your teen know that you want to have a fair conversation without reactions speaking louder than reason. We also discuss the value of finding the right tone and setting, even when we’re upset and can’t keep up a solid ‘poker face.’

Let Your Child Speak

Amy shares how staying quiet and letting your child speak can be the key to having meaningful conversation. For example, asking open ended questions like, “how did you feel about that?” can inspire a teen to be more open. Amy also suggests we point out situations in TV shows and movies to facilitate dialogue about touchy topics like drug use or peer pressure. It feels non-confrontational and lets your teen speak their mind freely, as it’s about a fictional scenario.

Plus, we outline the difference between whole-family and one-on-one conversations, as well as how to let our children bring up their thoughts about the future, so we don’t make assumptions about their path. Above all else, Amy highlights how to be on your teen’s team, always.

Navigate Risks and Limits

“We’re not their friends, we’re they’re parents.” This impactful statement from Amy regards setting expectations and holding our teens to them. We have to be bold about setting limits, but at the same time, we must recognize that it’s the purpose of a teenager to push limits, take risks, and try new things. So, our job is less about being strict, and more about talking our teens through their decision making and coming up with appropriate natural consequences when they make certain choices.

In this episode, Amy coaches parents how to teach their teens about making decisions, learning from mistakes, identifying parents’ concerns, and forming plans to address those concerns.

Master Difficult Conversations

There are so many tricky conversations that Amy has methods for mastering. If your child has a friend that you don’t like, Amy knows just how to handle it. She mentions that one of the worst things you can do is say, “You can’t be friends with that person,” or judge that person, because the minute you judge them, your child will start to shut down. Instead, she recommends ways to influence our teen’s decision making.

She has tips for talking about the most dreaded topic of all too: teenage sex. Some of her talking points include the importance of intimacy, being present, and having consent for an enjoyable experience. Rather than encourage or forbid sex, her approach focuses on how to have the best relationship, and what it takes to achieve that.

We even go into detail about what to say when someone breaks your child’s trust, elaborating on empathy and apologies. This episode is packed with useful suggestions to conquer all sorts of challenging discussions you’ll have with your teens!

Ep 63: Recognizing Strengths to Help Your Teen Thrive Dec 15, 2019

Jenifer Fox, author of Your Child’s Strengths and an education expert, covers the three areas to watch for strengths: learning, relationships, and activities. The key is to embrace your teens strengths, even though on the surface they might seem “different.”

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Riiiiiing! Out of nowhere, your phone disrupts another day at work. The name of your teen son’s high school flashes across the screen as you reach to answer. A few thoughts cross your mind. Is your son hurt? Did something happen at school? Is he in trouble? As you raise the phone to your ear, the voice of the assistant principal comes through the line.

“Your son’s been having a problem focusing recently. Unfortunately, he’s proven to be a repeated distraction to the learning environment, so we’ve had to pull him from class for the rest of the day. Can you come pick him up?”

In an instant, your mind is filled with ideas as to why your son has become a distraction. As a kid, he was an endless ball of energy, jumping over couches and climbing trees in the yard. He might’ve burned you out at times, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a capable learner.

He loves science, and he is an avid reader when he isn’t running around outside. Hearing that he’s been pulled out of class troubles you, because you know about his deep passion for learning. When a school can’t see the potential in their kid, parents need to know how to help a teenager find themselves.

To answer these thoughts, I invited Jenifer Fox to discuss how to help a teenager find themselves. Jenifer has a Master’s in School Administration from Harvard and heads the Berkshire Country Day School in Massachusetts. After many years tracking child development, she wrote the book Your Child’s Strengths in which she explains the methods to discovering, developing and activating the strengths of your teenager. This week, we investigate how teenagers can recognize learning strengths and how parents can help!

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Jenifer has plenty of advice for how to help a teenager find themselves when faced with learning challenges at school. The academic learning environment, where teens are expected to sit still for an hour and listen to a lecture doesn’t work for everybody. Jenifer says in many cases, it’s not that the teen can’t learn in the academic environment, but that academic learning might not be a strength of your teen. Humans have a number of methods to learn information, and not everyone is geared toward academic learning. Some other forms of learning include:

Active learning
Visual learning
Audio learning

According to Jenifer, even if your teen isn’t a strong academic learner, there is a chance your teen is a strong active or visual learner. By understanding the different learning strengths of teenagers, parents will learn how to help a teenager find themselves.

How to use learning strategies to help your teen

Parents who are looking for how to help a teenager find themselves should try to use different learning strategies as supplementary methods to approach their studies. By approaching one subject from a variety of learning methods, teens will be able to understand their topic in a more thorough manner. Unfortunately, our education system is built around one style of academic learning, and there isn’t much parents can do to change the way school is taught.

However, parents wondering how to help a teenager find themselves can optimize their learning by identifying the best strategy for their kid. Jenifer recommends parents watch out for certain traps and opportunities to help teenagers practice good learning strategies. Here are some tricks for how to do this.

Don’t talk down to Teens

Avoid Critiquing your teen

It might be easy for parents to identify where their teen is struggling, but merely pointing out where someone faces obstacles doesn’t help anybody improve. Critiquing someone is a negative way to point out deficiencies, and neither teens nor adults are receptive to this form of help.

For example, if a parent were to point out to their teenager where they’re struggling in academic learning, the parent is focusing on the negatives of the situation and that doesn’t teach them how to improve.

Avoid telling your teen their strengths

Parents wondering how to help a teenager find themselves shouldn’t tell kids what strengths they have. Parents will likely be able to understand some learning strategies that might create success or failure for teens. However, teenagers are less likely to follow parental advice if a parent spells out everything for their teenager.

If you’re a parent who doesn't know how to help a teenager find themselves, it’s likely because you’re not aware of their exact strengths. If a parent were to tell a teenager what learning strategy is best, the parent might steer a teen down the wrong path and into more learning troubles. Parents should be weary of steering their teen in a certain direction, as it can have negative consequences on your teen’s learning.

For example, if a teen normally completes homework after a sports practice, pushing the teen into a higher level of competition might exhaust them and cause their grades to decline.

Be a Teacher

Observation as a positive strategy

Parents should make good observations about teenagers to play the role of teacher when it comes to learning strategies. By observing how your teenager finds success, parents will be able to guide teenagers towards constructive long-term solutions to learning problems.

For example, if a teenager is regularly productive when they complete homework right after returning from a sport, take note! Keeping track of minor details like this can help parents understand how to help a teenager find themselves and discover the best learning strategies. When parents observe this information, they can talk with their teens to see if they agree about when they are most productive. Identifying this pattern could empower your teen to make a positive change in their habits.

Ask teens about their preferences

A more constructive way for how to help a teenager find themselves is for parents to ask about how their teenager prefers to study. Asking introspective questions to your teen will help their understanding of good learning strategies, which is a huge benefit as teens grow into adults.

Some templates for asking a teen about their study preferences are:

Why do you study like that?
Is there a reason to how you organize work?
When does it feel good for you to study?

By listening to teen’s answers about learning preferences, parents will be able to learn how to help a teenager find themselves. Teens can take the insight gained via a discussion of learning habits and use that knowledge to build a more productive schedule. An optimized schedule will help teens maximize their learning both in the classroom and at home.

Final Thoughts

Ep 62: Avoiding Negative Cultural Influences Dec 08, 2019

Mike Adamick, author of Raising Empowered Daughters, shares his insights on avoiding negative cultural narratives to raise strong girls. And how we raise boys is an important piece of the puzzle too.

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As parents, we want our kids to grow up with a sense of equality. We want them to know that both boys and girls are capable of greatness, that regardless of their gender, they’re free to follow their wildest dreams. That’s why it’s frustrating when we see sexist attitudes or gender inequality perpetuated by major retailers or movie franchises. It can feel like there’s little you can do as a parent to protect your kid from these potentially harmful ideas. We want to steer our teens clear of these influences, but it’s tough to find ways of avoiding negative cultural narratives about gender.

Even outside of our modern media, troublesome ideas about gender can be found in our daily lives, amongst our friends and neighbors. They’re buried within phrases like “boys will be boys”, hidden behind casual remarks about women’s bodies, present in small ways in our conversations at the office or around the dinner table. Sexist ideas pass under our noses every day, often without attracting attention— even though they definitely should!

Our guest today is Mike Adamick, the author of Raising Empowered Daughters: a Dad to Dad Guide. Mike is here to talk to us about avoiding negative cultural narratives about gender that may be affecting our kids, and how we can make small, but important changes within our communities and social circles.

As a stay-at-home dad and the father of a daughter, Mike knows what it’s like to tackle parenthood head on. He was inspired to write a book about avoiding negative cultural narratives when he found himself getting angrier and angrier over the hurtful messages he saw targeted at his daughter and other young girls. He wanted parents to understand these cultural forces and their effects, but he also wanted to share ways that we can fight against sexism in our everyday lives, to make the world a better, more equal place for young people.

Cultural Attitudes

Mike provides many examples of how damaging cultural messages about gender are being spread to young people. These ideas can be sensed in movies, marketing, retail--in more places than you’d expect! He talks specifically about clothing: how many large clothing chains offer very different products for boys and girls, and how these products send strong messages to young people about who they’re supposed to be based on their gender.

For example, Mike points out that clothes for boys are usually roomy and contain exciting slogans and images, encouraging males to be active and pursue their dreams. Girls, on the other hand, are often sold tight fitting clothing that restricts their movement, with much less exciting pictures and messages. This disparity in available wardrobe is a signal to girls that they don’t have the same freedoms as boys, that they are meant to look nice, to be satisfied with less ambition.

If we take a look at popular culture, it’s not hard to find inequality there as well. Mike talks about the promotional materials for the recent release of The Force Awakens, the much buzzed about, long awaited seventh installment in the Star Wars saga. Mike was excited to show his daughter the first released picture of the film’s cast, knowing that there would be a female heroine. Upon viewing the photo, however, Mike was ot excited but appalled by the gender imbalance in the photo.

Although the main character was female, the photo was otherwise entirely filled with male characters. This frustrated Mike. He wants to live in a world where his daughter can see tons of tough women on screen, working together to battle evil, instead of just one token female character in an otherwise male dominated universe.

It sometimes seems as if there’s no way of avoiding negative cultural narratives like these. Unfortunately, we don’t really have the ability to call up the CEO of Disney or H&M and demand a widespread change. All hope is not lost, however. Mike talks about how we can act locally. He describes changes we can implement in our homes and communities, to help stop harmful messages about gender from gaining traction so that our kids can grow up knowing that equality matters.

Making Change In Your Inner Circle

Although it may seem insignificant to try to talk about avoiding negative cultural narratives with your small circle of friends and neighbors, these efforts can have a rippling effect. Spreading positive messages in your own community can be the beginning of creating major change.

Avoiding negative cultural narratives can be difficult when certain gender ideals have heavily infiltrated our society. One pervading cultural idea that Mike really dislikes is the notion of “boys will be boys.” This term generally implies that the actions that boys take are not “their fault”-- but just a result of biology. It implies that males are inherently violent or disrespectful, and therefore can’t be blamed for acting out of line.

To Mike, this represents the crazy double standard we have when it comes to raising children of different genders. It spreads the message that men and boys can do whatever they like, without being held accountable! It also harms men and boys by placing them under pressure to meet certain cultural constructs about masculinity and what it means to be a “man.” It portrays manhood as being impervious to social rules, being rude and disrespectful, taking what you want without consideration for others.

Mike believes that not just avoiding negative cultural narratives but reframing them are necessary, especially when it comes to ones that enable inappropriate behavior. To do this, we need to think about the way we talk to others about stereotypes.

When it comes to talking to our friends and neighbors, objecting to these cultural stereotypes can help us create a healthier, more positive environment for our growing teens. Say you’re at a barbecue with your neighbors, and you overhear someone excusing their son’s bad behavior, saying “boys will be boys.” Although it may be awkward to interject, consider speaking up and against this idea, asking why it seems so easy to use this phrase and waive consequences for young boys. Your friends and neighbors might not be used to challenging these notions, but by encouraging discussion on these ideas, you can work on avoiding negative cultural narratives in your community.

Bringing the Conversation Home

Although it’s good to spread the idea of avoiding negative cultural narratives to your friends, talking to our own kids is just as important. Teenagers are subject to many cultural influences on a daily basis, so it’s important to help them decode the messages they receive from outside sources about gender roles.

For example, the other side of the “boys will be boys” idea is a cultural implication that girls are delicate, polite and well mannered. This can be harmful to girls because it restricts them from expressing all the rage, passion, and excitement that life brings! Avoiding negative cultural narratives like these will help pu...

Ep 61: Is Your Teen's Brain-Body Type Causing Problems? Dec 01, 2019

Dr. Robert Keith Wallace, author of Dharma Parenting and an expert in the physiology-psychology connection, joins us for a lively discussion on how your teen's (and your) brain-body type may be affecting your relationship. Dr. Wallace clues us into the scientifically backed Ayurvedic doshas - vata, pitta, and kapha - and how to deal with each type.

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Parents Just Don’t Understand

Maybe you love that your teen is a free spirit who dances to the beat of their own drum—but would it kill them to not leave every room in complete shambles? Maybe you love that your teen is so laid-back and easy going—until you leave them at home all day to finish their essay and when you return, they’re still watching TV and haven’t even written a word. Of course you love your teen with every fiber of your being, but that doesn’t mean you love everything they do. You want to encourage your kids to follow their instincts and be themselves but you get so exasperated when they insist on doing things the exact opposite way you would.

Any attempt at understanding the teenage brain seems laughable and impossible. Every teenager is different, some let rejection roll off their back and others burst into tears when you give them the tiniest bit of criticism. Maybe all it takes for your daughter to get over a breakup is a fun filled day of shopping at the mall. But for your son, a breakup may send him into a spiral that’ll take him weeks to get out of. They might not believe it, you were once the same hormonal, moody, and angsty teenager as they are. But was understanding the teenage brain this difficult for your parents? How do your teens have half your DNA yet react to things so differently?

What if there was a way of understanding the teenage brain that could make miscommunications between you and your teen obsolete (or at least a lot less frequent). Seem impossible? According to Dr. Robert Keith Wallace, it’s not. Wallace is the author of Dharma Parenting: Understand Your Child’s Brilliant Brain for Greater Happiness, Health, Success, and Fulfillment. He is a pioneer in physiology of consciousness research and has published work in the American Journal of Physiology and Scientific American. Along with his research in physiology, Wallace has studied the ancient Indian practice of Ayurveda for decades and has incorporated his findings into his book. Wallace is an expert in brain-body connections and has some excellent tips on understanding the teenage brain and stopping triggers that may be provoking your teen and you.

Multiple Personalities

Wallace states that understanding the teenage brain using Ayurvedic practices requires you to know three main brain-body types: pitta, vata, and kapha. These are essentially personality types that dictate how people behave in different situations. Pittas are the quintessential type-A personality; they are driven, regimented, and competitive. They prefer to be in charge and don’t like to be unprepared. Vata personalities are quite the opposite; they’re free-spirited, creative, adaptable, and adventurous. They’re often the life of the party and aren’t huge fans of staying on a schedule. Kaphas are easy going, even-keeled, affectionate, and reliable. They’re textbook Type-B personalities that are easy to get along with but can easily fade into the background in social settings. Knowing these three brain-body types are beneficial in understanding the teenage brain because identifying your teen’s type and your type will make it easier to manage daily life and resolve conflicts.

Dr. Wallace can help you identify your teen’s brain-body type through his own experiences with his teens. He recognizes the telltale signs that you might not notice in your family to help you understand how these temperaments really look.

After figuring out your teen’s brain-body type, you can better identify the triggers that cause them to be upset. For example, your pitta teen is furious at a boy for canceling on them last minute to go to the movies. You think “What’s the big deal, can’t they just reschedule?” Upon further reflection of their brain-body type you come to realize that pitta’s are the type to maintain a strict schedule. They are diligent about getting their school work done and want to make sure all their ducks are in a row before doing something fun and frivolous. They’re not the type to simply blow off their homework and go to the movies—and the fact that this boy told your teen last minute “Hey, I have a thing tonight and I gotta bail. You get it, right?” has put their whole night out of whack. Understanding the teenage brain by knowing your teen’s brain-body type can make it a lot easier to determine what your teen is actually upset about, especially if you are a different type yourself.

Wallace states that the next step in understanding the teenage brain is helping your teens get along with people of alternate brain-body types. Say your daughter’s a kapha. She’s sensitive and empathetic, calm in times when everyone else is stressed, and she seems to take everything in stride. On the other hand, your son’s a vata. He’s always up for adventure, loves sharing his ideas with anyone who’ll listen, and he’s always brightening your day with his sunny disposition. As wonderful as they might be on their own, your daughter and son’s different brain-body types may cause them to butt heads. Conflict can arise when your son pressures your daughter to go to a loud concert that she feels totally out of place in. Or if your daughter forces her brother to stay in all night watching a TV marathon when he’d so rather be at the amusement park. To resolve conflicts like this, Wallace urges parents’ to act as moderators in their children’s interactions. For example, if you have a kapha child you need to make sure they have a voice in conversations, since they often let others overshadow them. For vata’s, let them speak first, so they can get all their energy and crazy ideas out of the way. For pitta’s, who tend to dominate conversations, urge them to hear out other people’s ideas before sharing their own opinions. Wallace provides other techniques for creating a harmonious balance amongst the different brain-body types in the episode.

The Right Type of Attention

In addition to understanding the teenage brain and identifying the three main brain-body types, Wallace also discusses the importance of identifying the difference between the right and the wrong type of attention you give to your teens. Teens need positive affirmations, support, and someone to confide in. They don’t need a parent who is judgmental, hard to please, and who puts too much pressure on them. This type of negative attention can create a lack of confidence in teens and can make them believe that they are incapable of ever achieving success, which is oftentimes the opposite effect parents intended to have on their children. Wallace says though hard, there is a way for teens to recover from negative experiences and rebuild their self esteem. To hear his solution for overcoming teen abuse, tune in to the episode.

This interview about understanding th...

Ep 60: Deliberate Parenting for Happy Campers Nov 24, 2019

Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers, shares the wealth of knowledge she’s gained from mentoring kids and camp counselors for the past 30 years. It’s incredible just how many tricks from counseling campers can be applied in the home!

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Unhappy Camper

Everyone loves compliments, right? So you thought until you said to your teen, “You look so cute in the new sweater I gave you!” and you’re met with an eye roll. Oh yeah, you forgot that teens don’t like being called cute, that’s for children. This is one of many new hurdles that come with your kid getting older. You have to put up with things like waiting for your teen three blocks away when picking them up from practice or being absolutely silent when their friends ride with them in the car. While they’re treating you like a 2nd class citizen, they also expect you to fork over cash at any time and let them stay out until the wee hours with their friends on the weekends. If they really want to be treated like an adult, shouldn’t they be doing these things themselves?

When you’re getting fed up with their snippiness and demand to be treated like an adult without actually having any adult responsibilities, you snap at them. You say “Why are you always so grumpy? What happened to the nice little girl you used to be?” Then, your teen goes into defense mode and insists that they’re not grumpy, you’re just a controlling nag who never leaves them alone. They refuse to see your side and storm off in a huff. This attempt at deliberate parenting by trying to be upfront about issues you’re having with your teen really backfired, huh?

Practicing deliberate parenting and being intentional with your teen may sound simple, but taking action isn’t always easy. Sometimes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to say the right thing. You never pictured parenting to be this bumpy and confusing. You swore that you wouldn’t turn into those parents but then your kid becomes a teen and it seems like nagging is the only way to stop their defiant behavior. How can you be direct with your teen when you have a problem with their behavior without getting them all worked up? To find the answer, this week I spoke with Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults. Audrey is also the owner and director of Gold Arrow Camp in Lakeshore, California and is a writer and speaker on positive parenting techniques that she’s learned from her vast experiences with kids. These experiences, along with being a mother of five, has left Audrey with plenty of deliberate parenting techniques that we discuss in this episode.

Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative

Audrey’s road to the unconventional career path of summer camp ownership started when she was a camp counselor in college. The experience completely changed her life when she realized the relationships she formed with the campers were special and unique. Because the counselors were young enough to be seen as older sibling-like figures instead of authority figures, the campers really opened up about their lives and struggles. They truly trusted the counselors’ advice and Audrey felt much more like a life coach than a babysitter to the campers. Eventually Audrey went on to buy the camp (at just 22-years old!) and has been operating it for over 30 years. From her vast experiences at the camp, she realized how helpful the lessons she learned from her time spent with campers could be to parents. The intentional and personable approach that the camp takes towards counseling the campers influenced her to write her book on deliberate parenting.

The most crucial approach that Audrey teaches counselors at her camp is to give each of their campers one-on-one attention at least once a day. This could be something as small as taking time at the campfire to tell a camper “I really appreciate that you gave Kelsey the last juice box instead of taking it yourself. You’re so generous!” Audrey says that this technique translates to deliberate parenting when a parent takes note of all the kind, mature, responsible, or just fun things their teen does throughout a day. Of course, complimenting them on the spot is great but what can be even better is if you make time later in the day to commend them on their good behavior. Maybe when you’re saying goodnight to them, you can compliment them on how they told a funny story at dinner to lighten the mood when their sister had just lost her big championship basketball game. Your deliberate parenting technique of noticing their good behavior makes them feel like you notice their individual strengths.

Another camp counselor technique that Audrey notes as extremely applicable to deliberate parenting is taking a positive approach when it comes to behavior management. This means when your teen is being grouchy, unkind, or distant, think about productive ways of confronting this behavior. Saying “Why are you being snarky with your siblings?” is accusatory and honestly, debatable. You might see it as snarky behavior while your teen insists that they are just standing up for themselves when their sibling is pestering them. You won’t get anywhere by using negative labels such as snarky because it will put your teen in a state of denial. Instead, use phrases like “Your sibling says that you haven’t been playing along with them much today. Is there a way we can change the situation so that you’ll have more fun with them?” This way it’s an open-ended, synergetic conversation where you’re genuinely interested in how your teen feels and how they would like to be treated in order for them to be less problematic. Tune into the episode to hear more no-drama approaches to deliberate parenting that will encourage positive communication with your teen.

Daily Inspirationals

It’s pretty evident that Audrey is big on positivity when it comes to deliberate parenting. But that doesn’t mean that you have to constantly tell your kid how amazing they are. Instead, Audrey says that implementing small but meaningful messages of positivity can go a long way in creating a loving, affirming family culture. She suggests leaving simple yet uplifting messages in places your teen can’t miss, like the back of the bathroom door. Writing positive phrases like “Improve yourself today” or “Your greatest challenges lead to your greatest successes” on a note card can really help implement encouragement into your teens daily life when they expect it the least. And sometimes these messages can really improve a crappy day or at the very least remind your kids how much you care about their happiness. Even if they tell you it's cheesy, they’ll secretly cherish these sweet messages and appreciate your efforts to practice deliberate parenting.

In this episode, Audrey and I go in depth about deliberate parenting practices you can implement with your teen. In addition to Audrey’s go-tos for creating a positive, mindful family environment, you will discover:

How to turn “labels” into solutions
The subtle language shift that makes all the difference
The link between homesickness and a parent’s confidence in ...

Ep 59: College, Careers, and Becoming Adult Nov 17, 2019

Barbara Schneider, co-author of “Becoming Adult”, speaks with Andy about her research on how teens’ environment can influence their thoughts and beliefs on college, work, and what’s possible for them.

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Here’s a surprising fact: most teens have NO idea what they want to do when they “grow up.” And even the ones who do have no idea how to get there. Unfortunately, this can make it more difficult for teens to get through college in in concise timeframe and find their place in the world. Luckily, we can help you understand how to help your teenager find their passion.

Having a vocation can mean a world of difference when it comes to helping your teen prepare for the future. A strong passion can make clear the steps your child needs to take in order to succeed in a competitive world. However, teens often view the tasks they have to complete -like math homework or going to college- as work, something that they have to do because they’re told to it. Without meaning or purpose, your teenager’s responsibilities become synonymous with another way to pass the time.

So, how are you supposed to know how to help your teenager find their passion when It’s hard for them to distinguish between what they have to do and what they want to do. This can deter adolescents from engaging their responsibilities and prevent them from looking to the future with excitement. They may grow frustrated at having to switch jobs every two years – and in turn it makes their parents question if their teen will ever find their place in the workforce. That’s why the focus of our Talking to Teens podcast this week is vocational preparation and how to help your teenager find their passion.

This week I spoke with Barbara Schneider, researcher and author of Becoming Adult: How Teenagers Prepare for the World of Work about career opportunities, planning for the future, and how foster a productive environment for kids. She is a distinguished professor in the College of Education and Department of Sociology at Michigan State University and the co-author of 15 books, numerous journal articles, and previous editor of Educational Evaluation and Policy Analysis and Sociology of Education. If anyone knows how to help your teenager find their passion, it’s Barbara.

Barbara’s research and teaching focus on understanding teen psychology. More specifically, how the social contexts of schools and families influence the academic and social well-being of adolescents as they move into adulthood. With a particular emphasis on improving educational opportunities for students with limited economic and social resources, her research can show you how to help your teenager find their passion.

In the book, she conducted a study following teenagers’ journey from high school into adulthood. By focusing on how entering college shifted their perceptions of work, Schneider found that exposing teens to different experiences is how to help your teenager find their passion. Primarily, we talk about the exposure of two key insights:

What Kinds of Jobs Actually Exist
Balanced Perspective (Outlook) to Work

During our conversation, Barbara clued me in on how to help your teenager find their passion through exposure to broad career opportunities and a mindset prepared for the future. We also discuss the concept of work “flow,” the Path Model schematic, and different ways to access these focal points with your teen so that you can explore their vocation together. Here’s how it works:

Can you See the Future from Where You’re At?

A primary unanticipated reason why teenagers don’t know what to do in life is because they aren’t aware of what’s out there. How are you supposed to know that you really wanted to be a film editor or a biochemist if you didn’t know those jobs existed in the first place? The answer is, you don’t! For parents, knowing how to help your teenager find their passion starts with exposing your kids to what kinds of jobs actually exist. Teens need to be made aware of all the potential options that are available to pursue because their vocation could be hiding among them.

Exploring different kinds of occupations can help your teen identify a career they’re passionate about by following paths that experts have created in their respective fields. According to Schneider, one place you can take actionable steps to locate mentors and widen your teen’s sphere of information is within your own community!

It’s a good idea to start broadening your teen’s awareness of careers with local options. There are shared cultural values and cognizance in communities that your child might find accessible. This might mean doing outreach in your community through basic web searches, visiting local business centers, and paying regular visits to the library, a popular cultural hub for organizing. You can also speak directly with others at communal events like concerts, holiday gatherings, and art showcases.

Schneider suggests that niche communities are also a good place to expose your teen to more opportunities because they’re more likely to find experts who are passionate about what they do. She says it’s how you can get connected to people who are animators or engineers, artisan experts with insight into a particular craft.

Specialists can be found locally in almost any trade and truly educate you on how to help your teenager find their passion with the know-how they’ve acquired through experience. They can inform you about what programs and prerequisites your child should pursue, further exposing your teen to new potential interests.

Exposure to experts in their field is another way that teens can learn about what options are even open to them and how to pursue those interests. Consequently, exposing your teen to broad opportunities is how to help your teenager find their passion and the actionable steps to pursue it.

What Does Your Teen Feel About Work?

Knowing how to help your teenager find their passion can only be accomplished if you know what their relationship to work is like. In the podcast, Barbara classifies teens into several categories that can help us understand how teens interpret their responsibilities. Chief among these classifications are “the workers” and “the players.”

According to Barbara, workers want straight A’s and will put in the effort to get there. However, someone with a labor-intensive mindset might view their responsibilities according – work! This perspective might minimize someone’s passion for their responsibilities because they conceive agendas as a series of necessary tasks. Think of this personality as the opposite of Emerson’s proverb, “It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.” A worker is all about the destination.

If you’re a player, all you want to do is have a good time! Players might make the most of their situation and look for a silver lining in their tasks, but they don’t perceive their workloads as such. They don’t really consider the consequences of their actions in a serious way and therefore lack a consistent ability to plan ahead.

Exposing your teens to a balance between the two perspectives can transform how your teen comprehends their duties. When you can find a way to make it so that your interests became your main source of self-sufficiency, you’d be both excited for your job as we...

Ep 58: The Great Outdoors and Teens Nov 10, 2019

Linda McGurk, author of There's No Such Thing As Bad Weather, clues us in on the surprising benefits of outdoor time...and how to get your kid out there in the first place!

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After another long day of quarantine, you exit your office and see your two teenagers sitting on the couch, engrossed in their phones. How can they look at the screen for so long? If you were them, you’d be running around outside, playing games with friends. You step towards the door, adn thoughts of fresh air run through your head. Outside, a cool breeze floats down the street, easing the feel of the warm afternoon sun. You think to yourself, we ought to be spending more time outside as a family.

In theory, getting the family out for a day of fun should be an easy task. In practice, though, you know it isn’t easy. How can you get your kids to recognize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager if you can barely get them to put down their phone?

In the pre-internet era, you would try to find any reason to get out the front door. Nobody wanted to hang out at home under the watchful eye of parental supervision. Nowadays, the internet has transformed social life onto a convenient little screen, allowing friends to connect from the comfort of the couch. In turn, the outdoor experience has become lost to many teens. How can parents help reintroduce the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?

Glad you asked! This week, TTT hosts Linda McGurk, an expert on both the outdoors and parenting. Linda runs the blog, Rain or Shine Mamma, where she shares her tips for maintaining her outdoor lifestyle with children. She also wrote the book, There’s No Such Thing As Bad Weather: A Scandinavian Mom’s Secrets for Raising Healthy, Resilient and Confident Kids.

Growing up in Sweden, Linda was introduced to the outdoors at a young age. In the U.S. she fell in love with the landscape, but was shocked at how often parents kept their kids indoors. Drawing on her Scandinavian childhood, she began to raise her kids in harmony with nature to help them recognize the importance of the outdoors. Here’s an in-depth look at just one of Linda’s tricks to reintroducing the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.

Screen-Free Sundays

The concept of Screen-Free Sundays is a little surprising to hear. These days, one can barely go an hour without looking at a screen, whether it be a tablet, phone, or TV. How are teens going to spend a whole day without their screens? How can you introduce them to the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?

The goal of Screen-Free Sundays isn’t to pry screens for the hands of your teens. Rather, the goal is to regulate screen time to prevent teens from staying glued to the couch for 5 hours straight. Linda notes that the concept of Screen-Free Sundays, probably won’t go over well when you first bring it up, especially if your teens normally have unrestrained access to devices on a normal Sunday.

Linda did not have immediate success when initiating the first couple Screen-Free Sundays. Her youngest daughter fought the immediate changes to her lifestyle while Linda remained steadfast to having a screen free day. The refusal of either side to compromise on the screen free policy caused disaster in the McGurk household. “It was hard to go ‘cold turkey,’” McGurk says.

Linda was able to find common ground with her children with devices on Sunday through two distinct approaches. By using these techniques, Screen-Free Sundays became a hit as the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager became realized by both the kids and the parents. Now, Linda enjoys planning which excursion to go on every weekend. In summer popular activities are picnics or hikes, while the winter provides a great atmosphere for weekend ice-skating.

It’s wonderful to hear about how successful Linda was when implementing her strategies to get everyone outside. But what were the strategies Linda used that led to success? And how can you help your kids recognize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?

Tip #1: Confidence in Compromise

Initially, Linda struggled to implement Screen-Free Sundays with her family. We all know it’s challenging to get people off their phones and demonstrate the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, but in practice it can be hard to think up ideas to get everyone off the screen and outside.

Linda had more success when she compromised and allowed her teens to have some screen time on Screen-Free Sundays. The trick was to gradually phase out screen time for her teens. This allowed the whole family to ease into the screen-free lifestyle. Initially, she allowed her daughter to watch her favorite TV show as her designated screen time. This helped her daughter get through the day without causing an outburst of anger or tears.

Parents can apply this strategy to their implementation of Screen-Free Sundays. Instead of demanding everyone to stay off screens the whole day, perhaps you could restrict screen time to an hour of the day instead of forcing everyone to stay off the whole day. Alternatively, parents can restrict screen time to a single device for a set time period. No matter what method you choose, easing teens into Screen-Free Sundays is a must if you want to demonstrate the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.

Tip #2: Inclusive Ideas

To emphasize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, it’s important to get the whole family involved in planning Screen-Free Sundays. A trick to getting the teens on board, Linda says, is to have them write down ideas on sticky notes for screen-free weekend activities. The week before, a note is drawn from a bowl to allow everyone a chance to plan for the Sunday. Having a bowl of ideas is crucial because it engages the whole family for input on activities during Screen-Free Sundays.

The Idea Jar helped engage Linda’s kids when it came to Screen-Free Sundays. The opportunity to have input into the family’s plan helped everyone buy into the concept of going without a screen for a day. The bowl gave a voice to her kids, allowing them to feel included and valued in family discussions. The jar also motivated her kids to get off the couch and reminded them the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.

While it might seem fun to implement an Idea Jar for the family to use, the jar gets at a core function of parent-teen relations: communication. Parents and teens often have trouble communicating because teens believe they deserve more autonomy and responsibility and want adults to treat their voice as equal in discourse. The Idea Jar is great because it creates a platform for equal discourse that is less likely to result in a yelling match between parents and teens.

While Screen-Free Sundays can be one solution to demonstrating the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, it might not be the right solution for your family. In the rest of the podcast, Linda and Andy discuss many additional concepts to help you get your teens outside. Some additional concepts discussed in the podcast are…

‘Friluftsliv’: leaving civilization and...

Ep 57: Your Teen on Power Nov 03, 2019

Erin Clabough joins us for a discussion on the importance of giving teens the right amount of power...and making sure they know how to use it! Instilling a value of empathy is key to making sure teens wield power fairly. And how do you do that? Erin says bribing is an option!

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Your Punk Kid

Do you ever have moments where you look at your teen and think “Wow, sometimes you can be a total jerk.” While you love them, sometimes they do things that are so vile, you wonder if they are even your kid! Maybe when teaching teens responsibility, your kid becomes a complete tyrant with even the smallest bit of power. All you did was tell your teen they’re in charge of dropping off their sibling at school and suddenly, they fly into a rage if their sibling is even a minute late walking out the door.

As a parent, you want to be teaching teens responsibility without giving them free reign to take advantage of you at every turn. When they ask you permission to do fun things, you genuinely want to say yes more often than no, but if you give them an inch, they’re certainly going to take a mile. This is one of the biggest fears that comes with teaching teens responsibility. Your teen thinks that because you said they can go on a weekend trip with their boyfriend, it’s ok for them to come home from his house at 2am on any given weekend. Or because you let your teen borrow your nice new car once, they’re allowed to start offering rides to their friends all the time.

When teaching teens responsibility, parents should focus on helping their kid learn to take charge and be a leader while also maintaining respect and empathy for others. Obviously this is a hard task. Simultaneously encouraging teens to be assertive and patient requires a level of restraint that most teenagers might not have. For example, you want them to advocate for themselves when their voice isn’t being heard but not demand too much and come off as difficult. So how do you go about teaching teens responsibility in regards to balancing their power? In today’s episode, I discuss this with Erin Clabough, PhD. She is a neurologist, professor, and the author of Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control. Dr. Clabough has written articles for Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, and Today Parenting about how an understanding of neuroscience can help parents teach their teens how to balance authority with empathy.

Don’t be Spineless!

Before authoring her first book on teaching teens responsibility, Dr. Clabough was working in a neurology lab studying the spines found within neurons inside the brain. While observing how neurotransmitters in spines connect each individual neuron together by passing signals between them using synapses, she had a realization. She could use this process of passing signals between neurons in spines as a model for parenting. Dr. Clabough explains how the spines adapt to experiences going on in their external environment. Positive experiences that bring about happy emotions enable a spine to create new connections, or synapses, between neurons in the brain. In a human, this could be exemplified by a child growing up with parents who are supportive and accepting. The love from their parents creates a comfortable environment for the child to grow up in and therefore promotes healthy brain development. On the other hand, traumatizing or damaging experiences can stunt brain growth. For example, a child whose parents went through a rocky divorce may have stunted brain growth because this event made them feel uncomfortable in the environment they were growing up in. During the time of the divorce, the lack of stability resulting from parents who refuse to have a civil relationship can rob a child of the gratification they need to develop new synapses in the brain.

Dr. Clabough decided that the concept of her book would be how parents can use the idea of healthy experiences influencing healthy brain development as a metaphor for encouraging positive behavior and teaching teens responsibility. She explains that the process of synapses forming between neurons could be used as a metaphor for positive moments that occur in your teen’s life being a bridge for them to develop new skills. These moments can be as simple as your teen deciding to spend time with their grandparents instead of going to a party they’ve been excited about for two weeks. Or your teen inviting someone who’s sitting alone to eat lunch with their friends at school. Dr. Clabough emphasizes that parents need to savor these moments and continually commend their teens for making these mature decisions even when they don’t have to. This parental affirmation encourages teens to continually display generosity, which helps them grow into more well-rounded people.

Giving Them the Power

Parents must recognize that teens want control and the only effective way of teaching teens responsibility is to give it to them. But that doesn’t mean they should always be in control. For families with multiple kids, Dr. Clabough recognizes that the oldest child is often given more power than the others because they are seen as the mature one and therefore take on a somewhat parental role towards the other siblings. However, she says it’s extremely important to monitor power amongst your kids. If the oldest gets too accustomed to taking charge, they may develop a large ego or be unwilling to let another sibling ever make decisions for the group. So when you’re traveling together as a family, try asking the middle child where you should all go to lunch. Or when you’re going to the movies, ask the youngest what film you should see. This lets your kid know that it’s ok to take the lead as long as you’re also letting other people have their turn to be in charge.

When teaching teens responsibility by giving their sibling the ability to choose, there will be times when a controlling first born will say “no fair, I got to choose the movie last time!” Or the youngest might say “Just because he’s the oldest doesn’t mean he gets to boss us around!” If your kids put up a fight when control is taken away from them, Dr. Clabough offers suggestions for diffusing the situation in this episode.

Dr. Clabough acknowledges that a desire for power exists not only in the home, it’s also a large part of teenage culture. Social hierarchies form in high school because of teens’ desires for power and influence—which is all rooted in the need for dopamine. Everyone seeks dopamine highs but teenagers in particular have a stronger need for it. When teaching teens responsibility, parents must not discourage their teen’s needs but instead make sure the dopamine rushes they seek are healthy. For example, it’s okay for them to want to be on top, like if they are awarded prom queen or voted most likely to succeed in the school yearbook. But these momentary feelings of power and influence need to be balanced with times when they let others take the spotlight. Experiencing what it's like to be a winner and what it’s like to be on the sidelines is an important part of teaching teens responsibility and empat...

Ep 56: Make Meaningful Connections Oct 27, 2019

Joanna Guest shares the lessons she (re)learned about meaningfully connecting with your kids while curating her book, Folded Wisdom, a collection of the best of Joanna’s dad’s 4775 notes to her and her brother. An inspiring story packed with parenting take-aways.

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Do you ever feel like the week goes by and you haven’t really connected with your teen? You might look back to find that every conversation was about getting somewhere on time, making a plan for dinner, or providing reminders about something that needs to get done. Maybe you had the best intentions–you sincerely planned to bring up a touchy subject or share something deep–but life just got in the way. You’re not alone.

Connecting with kids can be hard. It’s a common complaint from parents in today’s busy, over-scheduled, technology-driven world that they haven’t had the time to build a more meaningful relationship. So how can you connect with your teen on an intimate level when life is passing by too quickly? That’s the subject of this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode, “Make Meaningful Connections.”

This week I spoke with Joanna Guest about what parents can do to break out of the mundane industrious pace of life, start connecting with kids, and develop positive, memorable, and real moments with your family. Joanna is the author of Folded Wisdom: Notes from Dad on Life, Love, and Growing Up, a beautiful and heartwarming book about how her father made meaningful connections with her.

When Joanna’s younger brother, Theo, showed no interest in reading, a teacher suggested their dad write notes to pique the little guy’s curiosity. Joanna’s dad took the idea and ran with it, writing both Theo and Joanna a note with an illustration every single morning to take to school. And he kept it up for 14 years, ultimately writing 4775 letters. If anyone knows about staying committed to connecting with kids, it’s the Guest family.

While this practice is proof of a father’s deep commitment to his children, these daily messages also demonstrate the true path to connecting with kids: a willingness to be vulnerable. Unlike his daily communication, which often felt routine and rushed, the notes hit on deep topics, life lessons, and – when he couldn’t find time to connect – small doses of openness made all the difference. In the podcast, we talk about how sharing vulnerability helps you maintain a deep relationship with your kids by way of three tangible virtues:

Truthful Communication
Personal Touches
Intimate Lessons

The bond that Joanna and her father display in this book is unique but that doesn't mean it can't help us implement these impactful parenting elements in our own lives. Here's how it works:

Let’s Talk About Truthful Communication

Speaking truthfully is when you simply authentically express what emotions you’re feeling in your heart. When you focus these thoughts on what’s between you your teen, you're displaying a personal and intimate reflection of the relationship and how you feel about them. The good news is, honest communication doesn’t even have to be particularly profound or complex to be effective. With his notes, Joanna’s father achieved this simply by writing “I love you” on a folded piece of paper when the family didn’t have time to convene on weekday mornings.

Communicating truthfully demonstrates a willingness to show vulnerability because it is an act of sharing yourself, flaws and all. When you speak your truth, the point is not to always provide a polished answer for your teen. You don’t want connecting with kids to be a fake process. A common parenting myth is that you always have to have an answer for everything; you must constantly be prepared for everything that comes your way, 24/7. But speaking truthfully from your own standpoint with your teen can help pull back the curtain and let them know you’re only human.

If your child approaches you with a particularly challenging problem, responding with “I don’t know” is a valid opportunity for you to connect with your teen. When you speak truthfully about your inability to find a solution, instead of providing an exact answer, you’re displaying that you’re both vulnerable to whatever this problem is. Connecting with kids also means relating to them, and when you speak honestly about common issues, you’re conveying solidarity.

Whether it’s dealing with a breakup, a tricky math problem, or deciding on college options, speaking honestly will clue your teen in to your presence. Once this happens, you can solve whatever problem they’re facing together.

Truth and Priorities

Speaking truthfully also helps parents connecting with kids by informing teens about who you are, specifically, what you prioritize in life. For example, if you’re work-life is too demanding, teens can interpret a busy parent as someone who doesn’t have an investment in their life. The limited time you do have to spend with your teen might seem second hand, like solely exists around necessary family tasks (i.e. eating meals or school drop-off), and so they might feel the need to build connections elsewhere.

If you speak honestly and address genuine concerns about how your parenting is perceived, you’re displaying vulnerability to criticism, asking your teen for insight, and prioritizing your interest in who they are. You might say something like, “I we could spend more time together” or “I would like to get to know you better.” Small declarations of truth like these make up the more meaningful selection of notes featured in Joanna’s book. When you’re truthful with your teen, it might help them understand what is going on in your life more clearly and they’re more likely to respond in kind.

Honesty When There’s No Time for Connecting with Kids

In the book, Joanna’s father was able to write a note every single day, and it’s sweet because it demonstrates the longevity of the act. But not everyone has the time or creativity to pull off this kind of practice when connecting with kids. Truthful communication helps you connect with your teen because there isn’t any planning or artificiality in the act; you can develop a genuine bond with brief interactions that are made meaningful because there’s no filter.

One of the most effective means of honest communication that we talk about is when Joanna’s father reached out with a note after they got into a fight when she was younger. He simply wrote down the next morning, “I hope you can find a way not to be angry. I love you.” Even when you don’t have anything to say, you can simply just communicate how you feel about your child.

As a parent, you want to communicate how you feel, and letting your child know you love them and just want what’s best can emphasize that you’re a supporting figure in their life. These small moments of truth are how Joanna’s father brought in simplicity to her complicated life as a teenager, providing uncomplicated access to an emotional positivity. This honesty can foster trust and demonstrate care, deepening how you’re connecting with kids.

To hear about how Personal Touches and Intimate Lessons play into connecting with kids, don’t tune in to listen to the whole episode!

I was blown away at how wise and poignant Joa...

Ep 55: Build Resilience & Capability in Teens Oct 20, 2019

Author Katherine Lewis speaks with Andy about why kids lack resilience and capability more than ever. By rescuing kids from every micro stressor they may encounter, parents are doing more harm than good - and when it comes to behavior, we want the good stuff!

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There are teens out there that have NO idea how to do the laundry, cook a meal, manage their time, pay bills–the list goes on. And that’s not even mentioning the poor behavior and attitude they throw at their parents and other adults. It’s frustrating to say the least! But don’t worry, there are steps you can take to improve resilience and capability in teens.

Despite the generational differences that you may have with your teen, it’s still possible to build character in your teenager and impart resilience and capability. But this problem requires updated methods. Today, a majority of teens have mood or behavioral disorders because they’ve grown up in a generation simultaneous loose structure and overparenting.

In this day and age, there aren’t many opportunities to develop resilience and capability in teens. This has left teens in a state of poor mental health and dependency. You might be asking yourself, “When will my teen grow up? When will they listen?” Luckily, Katherine Lewis, my guest on this week’s podcast and author of The Good News About Bad Behavior, wondered the same thing.

Katherine is an award-winning journalist, author, and speaker on topics including parenting, children, education, mental health in teens, relationships to technology, work culture, entrepreneurship, caregiving, equity, and inclusion. Her work addressing resilience and capability in teens, family conflicts, and building character- building has been featured in a number of publications, including The Atlantic, Bloomberg Businessweek, Fortune, and The New York Times.

She first got involved with the problem of bad behavior and poor mental health in children after a run in with some rowdy boys on a playground. They were throwing a ball around without any regard to the safety of the little kids nearby. When she asked them to stop, she says they looked at her … and then carried on exactly what they were doing. She was shocked. If speaking to a child as an adult can’t instill resilience and capability in teens, what can? After more than a year of researching current adolescent developmental trends for her book, Katherine has some answers.

One thing that stood out to Katherine in her research was that all the “saving” parents have been told to do is actually working against our kids. Rather than rescue them from stressful situations, the science shows that you should let them muster through conflict and minor trauma, to come out on the other side with more resilience and capability in teens.

With enough practice dealing with conflicts on their own, teenagers will gain more responsibility and behave accordingly. That’s the basis of Katherine’s Apprenticeship Model of parenting, self-regulation. In her coaching sessions, Katherine helps parents shift their mindset and parenting practice toward helping their kids acquire skills and knowledge necessary for them to become happy, healthy, contributing adults.

Using The Apprenticeship Model, Katherine argues that self-regulation prevents behavioral issues and mental disorders in teens and builds resilience and capability in teens. Self-regulation operates through three core disciplines:

Connection
Communication
Competence

In the podcast, Katherine walks me through how these elements can build character and strengthen resilience and capability in teens. Here’s how it works:

Connection

Connection doesn’t mean sitting with your teen on the couch watching Netflix twice a week and joining for meals regularly. More than that, connection is one-on-one time outside the purview of screens that you have with your teen, typically dedicated to an activity of your child’s choosing. When you connect with your child, you’re supplying intimacy and comradery that encourages them to follow through on the challenging things you ask of them.

Essentially, being connected with your teen functions in self-regulation by showing your teen that they’re part of something bigger; they’re not just an island. When you show your teen that they’re part of a family and part of a relationship, that sense of belonging motivates them to maintain their responsibilities, boosting resilience and capability in teens to even go the extra mile and take on new commitments!

If you spend quality time with your child going for walks, playing board games, or even just talking for moderate stretches of time, you’re exchanging personalities and investing one another. When it comes time to make dinner, it’ll make them happy to give you relief from doing this task after a long day of work. Choosing to do so is an act of self-regulation. Your shared happiness then becomes a reward and mitigates bad behavior.

Being connected also means that your teen won’t want to hurt or disappoint you in any way, steadily implementing resilience and capability in teens. Even if you disagree, the exchange is more likely to be cordial and productive. The same innocuous sentiment extends toward mental health. When you’re not close with your teen, they could feel like an outsider to the family. If your teen feels like they can’t reach out to their parents, people that they’re supposed to confide in, it can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, substance addiction, and suicidal thoughts.

Instilling resilience and capability in teens starts with having an interconnected relationship with their parents. Connection works to prevent these disorders in teens by providing your them with a support system and personal motivational as part of a group. In this way, your teen will share in your happiness and internalize your support when they lack confidence.

Your teen won’t be able to function independently if they don’t feel self-assured and whole. Ironically, when your teen is connected to a larger group of people, this instills resilience and capability in teens, and they can better self-regulate their actions and responsibilities with more independence. To hear Katherine’s list of special connection time activities and best practices, you’ll have to tune in to the podcast!

On the other hand, Katherine’s approach to communication is decidedly not emotional. When addressing your teen’s bad behavior, she says that you should only communicate around what’s needed. This provides resilience and capability in teens by focusing them on what is essential. While your teen does need to go through trials of learning as they grow up to understand the importance of their actions, it’ doesn’t mean you have to get dragged into preparing a lecture every time you want to communicate something important to your teen.

If your teen forgets to do the dishes, you don’t want to shame your child or make them feel bad to become self-regulating. Parenting through shame actually diminishes resilience and capability in teens. Rather, you can save yourself some stress by simply pointing out the consequences of their actions, only communicating the cause and effect needed to get the job done. You might say something like, “You know we need dishes to be clean so we can eat on them later tonight. If you don’t do the dishes, we won’t be able to eat dinne...

Ep 54: Making Room for More with Minimalism Oct 13, 2019

Christine Koh, author of Minimalist Parenting, reveals how to get more out of your family life by doing LESS. She says “minimalism” isn’t about getting rid of apps and toilet paper, it’s about making room for the stuff that helps your family thrive while cutting back on everything else.

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Does your life reflect your strongest values?

You can value travel, and still spend 50 weeks of the year in your own county. You can value the outdoors, and still get no closer to fresh air than your car window five days of the week. You might value time with your kids, and still encourage them to take on a ton of extracurriculars. This is all fine, right?

We make sacrifices for our family all the time, even if we’re sacrificing what we value most. We can still be comfortable and not do what’s most important to us. Why make changes that aren’t necessary?

As we go through life, it’s easy to get stuck in our ways, even if our ways don’t reflect our strongest values. This might not sound like the biggest problem in the world, but think about it…

If our way of living doesn’t reflect our strongest values, what does that teach our kids?

Values are one of the most effective ways you can influence a teenager. Once your child gets into the teenage years, it becomes extremely difficult to influence their daily activities. But if you impart strong values that your teen can live by, you can keep the door open to conversations about values later into their adult lives.

Reshaping our lives to reflect our most important values is a lot easier said than done. However, the woman I speak with in this episode insists that with a minimalist family life, making room for what’s important is totally possible!

Before I introduce her, though, let me just say:

A minimalist family life is NOT what it sounds like.

Christine Koh runs FIVE businesses! (And yes, she’s here to talk about minimalism.) She is the founder and editor of the award-winning blog Boston Mamas, the graphic designer behind Posh Peacock, and a digital strategist at The Mission List. She is a speaker, a writer, and co-author of the practical and humorous book, Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More By Doing Less. She might sound like the farthest thing from a minimalist, but she insists that a minimalist family life is what frees her up to do what she values most.

Foundational Values

Christine decided to co-author the book, Minimalist Parenting, because she found it especially hard as a parent to define her own family’s values and stand up for them. She points out that there is so much noise about what your family’s values should be.

For example, parents feel compelled by the popular culture to have their teens do a million activities at once, or they’ll never get into college. For some families, that’s totally fine! They might like being busy. But Christine knows that in her family, her kids need a lot of down time. Her kids can’t focus on their homework and chores if they’re too saturated with activities they don’t care about. It was hard for her family to say, “No! We’re only going to do one activity per season!” They had to do it, though, in order to honor their own key values.

She says it’s really important to identify your family’s key values because everything else in your life will be founded on those. Quiet times, space, sleep, and a minimalist family life are all part of Christine’s key values. If her family isn’t getting those three things, life begins to get a bit dysfunctional.

Balancing Values

What if your personal values differ from your spouse’s, though? Christine can speak personally to this.

Remember those five companies Christine runs? Well, her husband isn’t so on board with how diverted her energy can become. Having different projects is something that Christine loves and values in her life, while her husband values more quality time away from work. They needed to

The two of them have worked very hard to balance their values and create a minimalist family life. They have to be very clear about how Christine can stop working at the end of each day and be present with her family. At the same time, her husband knows that he must sacrifice some one-on-one time to support her career goals. And their balance is working great!

When key values are identified and balanced, everyone in the household benefits.

What does it look like practically, though, to identify key values and balance them?

A “More” and “Less” List

One of Christine’s favorite tools for creating a minimalist family life by identifying key values is a More and Less List.

A More and Less List is just what it sounds like. It’s a list with two columns. One side is the “More” column, and the other is the “Less” column. The trick, Christine says, is to be honest with your thoughts. Turn off your inner critic. No one has to see this list except you. Now, write what you genuinely want more and less of in your life!

Maybe it’s less running around, more time with friends outdoors, or having a more minimalist family life in general.

Once you have your thoughts on paper, you can make a plan to edit your life. Get rid of stuff that is unnecessary, and make room for what is really important to you. Work on creating a minimalist family life that isn’t complicated by things that aren’t adding value to your life.

If you wrote down that you want to learn more, maybe you can rent some audiobooks from your local library, and listen to them during your commutes. If you wrote down that you want to be driving your kids less, maybe set up a carpool rotation with another family.

Christine’s other favorite part about making a list, is that the exercise can help you realize that the stuff you want more of is within reach!

Coffee Punch Cards and You

Research shows that when you feel like you’re part of the way towards achieving a goal, you’re more likely to take action to achieve it. Just think about coffee punch cards! If you have an unpunched card, well, that’s not motivating. But if you have a card with one or two punches already in it, then you feel like you’re already on your way to winning that free coffee!

A More and Less List is like a coffee punch card. It helps you see that you’re already on your way to achieving your goals. The list helps you realize that you can make changes to your life, and that in some ways you’ve already started to make such changes. It’s this ability to make changes that is at the heart of a minimalist family life.

Even if one of your minimalist family life goals is just “clean the playroom,” you might need to break the job down into baby steps to make it more approachable. It’s not that you don’t know how to clean the playroom, but that the scope of the task can seem overwhelming if you’re tired and stressed.

Taking a couple extra minutes to break the task into baby steps makes it more approachable and less dreadful. Kinda like the coffee punch card! This is ...

Ep 53: Bad Behavior? Ignore It! Oct 06, 2019

Catherine Pearlman, author of Ignore It, explains how to make bad behavior stop by pretending you don't notice it. Discover Catherine's secret strategies for eliminating annoying behaviors on this episode. Learn what you can ignore and what you can't as well as how to re-engage after the behavior stops.

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Parenting is a hard job on the best of days. It’s even harder when your child gets to an age when they know how to push all the buttons and elicit your worst responses. It seems like the older they get the more immature their tantrums become. You know you have to address their misconduct, but confrontation only aggravates the situation. You don’t want to exhaust yourself giving reprimands to a brick wall. Fortunately, there are teenage behavior management strategies that can help deter your teen’s bad behavior while actually saving you from aggravation.

However, teenagers love to argue for their independence. It can be worrisome when they consistently neglect their simplest responsibilities, like cleaning their room or taking out the trash. When you attempt to address these discrepancies, they might become defensive about their ability to take care of themselves despite the evidence in question. You don’t want this bad behavior to continue, especially as they spend less time at home and eventually face the world as an adult. So, what teenager behavior management strategies can you use to correct your their bad behavior without getting irritated? That’s the topic of this week’s Talking to Teens episode, “Bad Behavior? Ignore It!”

I was joined by Dr. Catherine Pearlman to discuss teenage behavior management strategies in her book, Ignore it! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. After years of working intimately with young mothers as a social worker, Dr. Pearlman founded the Family Coach, a program where she visits family homes during the most stressful time of day and guides parents through problem-solving strategies.

When it comes to these visits, her clients are often shocked by what their told to do about their teen’s reckless and rude behavior: Ignore it.

“Did I Read That Right?!”

You might be asking yourself, “How can that be beneficial? You want me to just ignore when my child acts out?” Actually, yes! You might think that such a request is absurd, but Catherine knows everything there is to know about unconventional, yet scientifically backed teenage behavior management strategies! She can help you enjoy spending more time with your kids using this technique like she’s done with so many other families.

Her method of mitigating bad teenage behavior functions primarily by managing two things:

Reward Systems
Natural Consequences

These two elements are at the core of her teenage behavior management strategies. Reward systems and natural consequences are already woven into how you communicate with your child. It’s just a matter of changing how you use them to create a more reciprocal environment. Here’s how you can start implementing these teenage behavior management strategies in your own home:

Behavioral Reward Systems

Behavioral reward systems are when you consistently encourage a specific type of behavior with a correlated response. If there were a mantra for Catherine’s teenage behavior management strategies, it would be, “Behavior that has a reward is going to be repeated.” So, if teenagers pout or misbehave until you give in, they know to do it again in the future because it produces results. According to Dr. Pearlman, what happens immediately following their behavior will determine if it happens again.

However, rewards come in many different forms; it doesn’t just mean that your teen gets what they want in the end. If you’re arguing about a curfew and your teen knows that you’ve already made up your mind, they might be tempted to use rude behavior to make you upset. If you’re provoked into arguing back or expressing unhappiness, this can be perceived as a reward, thus causing your teen to continue this kind of conduct in the future.

Ignoring bad behavior means that you’re not giving it a reward. When your teen doesn’t get their way, they might try to get a rise out of you by raising their voice, resorting to name calling, or using swear words. If you use effective teenage behavior management strategies and don’t let these tactics affect you, your teen will eventually realize that this isn’t an effective way to communicate. They won’t get what they want, and they won’t get anything in response.

At first, you might get some pushback to these teenage behavior management strategies, but that just means it’s working. If you’ve been negatively responding to your teen’s bad behavior in the past, they understand that throwing a tantrum will, at the very least, garner a negative response. They’ll try to increase the pressure when you start ignoring their tantrums, but without any results, they’ll realize they need to do something else to get their way. This is how you can use behavioral reward systems to mitigate bad behavior.

Natural Consequences

Defined as the logical result of an action, natural consequences work when your teen has an understanding of cause and effect. Dr. Pearlman describes this tactic as “the best thing that ever happened to parents” because you don’t have to do any punishing; the consequences of your child’s actions speak for themselves.

Ignoring your child’s irritating conduct helps them connect the dots between “bad behavior” and “this isn’t working.” This teenage behavior management strategies can also be employed outside of arguments to curb bad behavior. For example, if your teen hasn’t cleaned their room and they’re inviting some friends over, they may ask you to do a quick sweep so things will look nice when they arrive. They might make outlandish statements like, “My life will be ruined if anybody sees my room like that!” If you give in and clean their room, agreeing that they need to get to it later, they’ll latch on to that reward in the moment. But if you let them face the consequences of their actions, your teen is more likely to learn from the negative consequences.

Parents that are worried about the negative impact of natural consequences unfolding at crucial moments in their child’s life might be hesitant to use this approach. That’s why it’s important to apply teenage behavior management strategies like the ignoring method early on when the stakes are relatively low.

When your teen forgets a minor homework assignment at home or neglects their chores so they can’t hang out with friends, these are good examples of “ignore it!” testing ground. If you start off small, your child will incorporate better behavior early on and be ready for more important tasks in the future.

To Talk or To Ignore?

One example of how rewards and natural consequences work in the “ignore it!” method to manage bad behavior is with negotiations. When you’ve made a firm decision, whether it’s limiting cell phone time or setting a curfew, you want to stick to it. Naturally, your teen will try ...

Ep 52: Get Your Teen to Think Sep 29, 2019

Dr. Jennifer Salerno shares communication tactics that you can put into practice today to start reshaping your relationship with your teen. As founder of the non-profit Possibilities for Change, Jennifer knows a thing or two about impacting the lives of teens!

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At some point as a parent, you’ve gone into your child’s room and stumbled across something that left you shocked. You never know when you’re going to have conversations about risky behaviors with your child, you just don’t want it to be too late. But it can be hard to get through to your teen, especially when they’re fighting tooth and nail to gain their independence. Luckily, there are ways to reconnect with an aloof teen!

With some easy-to-follow tips for improving parent-teen relationships, you can make a lasting positive impact on your child’s decision making, even when you’re not around. That’s the topic of today’s episode, “Get Your Teen to Think.”

I spoke with Dr. Jennifer Salerno to gather some tips for improving parent-teen relationships in her book, Teen Speak: A Guide to Understanding and Communicating with Teens. Her organization, Possibilities for Change, trains medical professionals on how to speak effectively with their teenage patients. After working intimately with adolescents and colleagues to refine the program, her research has resulted in the RAAPS risk screening system, which has tips for improving parent-teen relationships and is used by medical professions all over the country to mitigate risky behaviors among teens.

RAAPS operates primarily through two core elements:

Understanding
Reflection

Dr. Salerno’s method of communication pairs medical research with these two easy-to-use concepts, which is why RAAPS is so applicable to teens at home. Here’s how her tips for improving parent-teen relationships work:

Understanding

The first step is strengthening your understanding of one another. Understanding is more than just acknowledging what your teen is saying when they come to you with a problem. It’s when you comprehend the deeper meaning of their experiences and why they feel the way they do. According to Dr. Salerno, practicing and demonstrating understanding is how you can initiate these tips for improving parent-teen relationships.

Let’s say your teen is harboring a negative attitude. You ask them what’s wrong, and they respond with, “I hate being short!” Initially, your parental instincts might tell you to help them maintain a positive attitude or encourage them to forget about trivial problems. But blatant positive reinforcement and avoiding negativity don’t really address what is causing their unhappiness. To implement the first of many tips for improving parent-teen relationships, you’ll need to investigate why this is a problem, why it’s important to them, and what it says about the bigger picture of what your teen is going through.

You can practice understanding your teen by stating that whatever is troubling them is in fact a worthwhile problem. Then, consciously take the time to step out of your perspective on the matter and start thinking about this issue from your teen’s point of view. This alerts your readiness to listen and prepares you for understanding with an empathetic approach to communication.

Understanding helps you effectively communicate by making your child feel heard. When teens don’t feel like they’re being heard, even in trivial conversations, they can start to feel isolated. Reaffirming your teen’s external problems and burgeoning a consistent understanding of their core struggles are key steps to improve your relationship. Kids that experience the kind of solidarity produced by understanding are more likely to open up to you about what’s really troubling them

As a parent, you want your teen to feel solidarity with you about their troubles so you can start at a more intimate level the next time you talk. Soon, you’ll start to notice the big picture, or patterns of your child’s more consistent insecurities and concerns. This can alert you to the causes of potential distressed behavior if these problems further develop.

Reflection

So how can you build off this deeper understanding of your child to further mitigate risky behavior? Dr. Salerno’s tips for improving parent-teen relationships encourage us to help your child think through situations. This is the essence of reflection; using serious thought and consideration to plan and problem-solve.

Reflection functions in communication by allowing you and your teen to exchange ideas together. Once you’ve dug deeper into the “being short” problem, you might learn that it’s actually about your teen not being able to join the basketball team and hang out with their friends. Now you can both try to figure out a solution. Maybe you can invite their friends over this weekend or find some other way to have fun outside of practice. This is how you can get your teen to routinely think through their issues before resorting to erratic reactions.

In order to apply Dr. Salerno’s principles of understanding and reflection, it’s important to establish some ground rules before you engage your teen. This is one of my favorite tips for improving parent-teen relationships because it’s definitive and can help you and your teen develop respect for one another. First, recognize that it is completely normal for your teen to dramatize their conflicts. Meaning, this is just a phase of cognitive development. When met with patience, you can employ understanding and reflection in an effective manner.

If your teen exclaims that they’ve just gone through a messy breakup and that they’ll never show their face in school again, you can practice understanding by filtering through the drama and thinking through what this situation means to your teen. Demonstrate that you’re trying to comprehend their statement by repeating back to them what they just said. “This person broke up with you, you’re upset, and you don’t want to show your face in school again.” Not only does this help you process the information, but it acts as a second voice for your teen to hear the situation outside their head.

According to Dr. Salerno’s tips for improving parent-teen relationships, responding with unexpected observations about the situation can deescalate high drama situations by having your teen reflect on the consequences of their thinking, you might want to respond with something like, “Okay! You’ll have to drop out then and start working on your GED.” This response isn’t punitive, but rather seriously engages what your teen is saying. An unexpected statement like this provides your teen with forethought about their actions. If your teen never goes to school again because of this break up, they will have to find alternative means of staying educated and working on their career in a new setting.

By taking your teen’s ideas seriously, you’re able to highlight discrepancies in their reasoning and get them to collaborate with you about solutions. In regard to more serious situations like drug use, sex, and drunk driving, the method remains the same: start by understanding your teen and then help them reflecting on the outcome of their decisions. Over time, applying these tips for improving parent-teen relationships will deter risky behavior when your teen is on their own in the future.

There’s more to...

Ep 51: Hack Your Parenting Sep 22, 2019

Susan Groner, founder of the Parenting Mentor, shares her wisdom and parenting “hacks” with us. Discover my favorite tips from Susan’s latest book Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World, and Susan’s #1 reason why fights break out between parents and teens. Plus, what to say instead of “Because I said so.”

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What kind of support do you need as a parent? When you pick up a parenting book, what are you hoping to find?

Information that’s quick and digestible
Advice that fits into your life’s current rhythms
Maybe a reminder that not everything you’re doing is wrong

That doesn’t sound like too much to ask for, but how often do we pick up a parenting book only to put it down, thinking…

This author doesn’t know what they’re talking about
That sounds great, but who has time to learn this crap?
This book makes me feel like a terrible parent!

Being a parent is hard work! Parents should have the kind of support they need, when they need it. That’s why I sought out the opportunity to talk to the amazing parenting mentor, Susan Groner.

Susan Groner is the mother of three grown children. Though, when she was in the throes of motherhood, she felt overwhelmed by the challenges. She didn’t find parenting books helpful at all. She thought there had to be some creative parenting hacks to help her through the tough and joyful times of parenting.

Eventually, she developed her trademark CLEARR™ method and founded The Parenting Mentor. The Parenting Mentor is a website where she provides coaching for parents of children of all ages. Plus, her techniques are easily applicable and build off of what you’re already doing! Needless to say, I was thrilled to talk to her about her new parenting book, Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World.

Fast and Feel Good

Susan’s Parenting 101 has been dubbed the “parenting book for parents who don’t have time for parenting books.” This is completely by design.

When Susan was asked to write her book, she knew immediately that she didn’t want to write a traditional parenting book. Those were never helpful for her, so she wasn’t going to just play along.

She wanted a book that was designed for parents to pick up, read for two minutes, and put down.

She wanted a list of quick creative parenting hacks to uplift parents and to remind them they're already doing a lot of stuff right!

Like any job, you’re probably going to do better work when you’re feeling confident and competent. This is why parents should feel good about what they’re doing! Raising another human being is a hard enough job description. The additional stress and anxiety that parents go through because they don’t feel good enough is unnecessary. Susan doesn’t want parents to feel angst, especially when there are creative parenting hacks that can help.

So what are some of these creative parenting hacks?

The CLEARR™ Method

All of Susan’s creative parenting hacks come down to one acronym: CLEARR™

Communication
Love
Empathy
Awareness
Rules
Respect

How we talk to our teenagers is so important.

If a teen hates a rule in your house, it’s important to understand why. Even when you do feel strongly about a rule, Susan says that your response shouldn’t be: “Because I said so!” That’s just laying down the law. That’s a fight waiting to happen.

Instead of laying down the law, Susan suggests you respond: “Let’s talk about that.”

You want to know why your teen thinks a rule stinks, and then clarify why the rule is still important. A conversation with love and respect, where your tone of voice is kind, loving, and empathetic will go much better than a shouting match. You’ll be amazed by how quickly a simple change in your response can diffuse your teen’s frustration. Susan’s creative parenting hacks pretty much all revolve around this.

Timing, Manner, and Intonation (Tip #5 of 101)

We didn’t have time to go through all 101 of Susan’s creative parenting hacks, but we did get to touch on a handful. For example, #5 from her book is titled “Timing, Manner, and Intonation.” These are three factors you can leverage when talking to your teen about tough topics.

Susan breaks them down really easily. Think about timing. When do you want to have a tough conversation with your teen? You probably don’t want to talk about their friends’ smoking habits while you’re also pressed for a deadline at work. So what are the creative parenting hacks for having this hard conversation? Susan offers several suggestions.

Timing:

Create a time to set aside. Schedule a time to go for a walk, or have a cup of tea together. If you both like gardening, do some yard work. Anything that relaxes both you and your teen. Once that is scheduled, you’ll be able to approach the topic with an easier manner and intonation.

Manner & Intonation:

The language you choose, and the tone in which you say it, is so important when communicating with teens. Teens do NOT want to hear judgment at all. So using nonjudgmental language and a kind tone is a priority. You can be firm on your family’s values without bashing the behaviors of your teen and their friend group. As long as your words and tone indicate that you’re not mad at your teen, but empathetic and loving, it’s likely they will listen and be responsive.

Even with our best efforts, though, it’s hard to be perfect. What do you do when your teen does get angry about something?

Unintentional Judgments

Susan thinks that a lot of reasons why fights in the house start are because of unintentional judgmental comments.

For example, let’s say your teen comes home from school and slams the door. WHAM! Your kid is obviously pissed about something. Still, most of our gut responses to the dramatic entrance might be:

“Why’d you slam the door? Don’t slam the door in this house!”

You can imagine how your teenager might respond before marching off to his or her room and slamming their door again.

Susan says that sometimes teens just want to be heard. So you want to use words that show you see they’re upset, and that you want to be there for them. You might say:

“Wow, sweetie, you seem really angry. Is something upsetting you today? What happened?”

You’re not going to fix whatever happened or promise to make it better, but you can listen and be empathetic. Maybe a teacher disciplined them. Again, our gut response might be to say:

“Well, what did you do?”

That’s a surefire way to make your teen defensive, though. Those words make it sound like whatever happened was the teen’s fault. Even if it was, their teacher already disciplined them. If your teen needed more scolding, you probably would’ve gotten an email from the te...

Ep 50: Teenagers Under Pressure Sep 15, 2019

Lisa Damour, bestselling author of Untangled and Under Pressure, reveals a startling trend on this episode: stress and anxiety are on the rise among teenage girls. Learn why this is happening and what parents can do about it from the psychologist who writes the adolescence column for the New York Times.

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Full show notesImagine this:

Your young teen has been practicing piano for almost a year now, and his teacher is holding a recital for all the students. Your teen has just found out about the recital, and wants out.

The thought of performing a skill he’s just starting to learn in front of an audience is stressing him out. He’d rather just not go, and asks if he can have another year to practice before the next recital. You agree to let your teen skip this year’s recital and try again next year, but then what happens?

When next year’s recital date is announced, your teen is more stressed out than the last time! What happened? He’s had a whole extra year to practice, and you can hear from your own eavesdropping that he is in fact twice as good as he was a year before. But he doesn’t want to perform, and he’s mega stressed out about it.

When parents don’t have strategies for comprehensive teenage stress management, there can be devastating long term consequences for the child. If kids are taught that feelings of stress and anxiety are bad feelings to be avoided, then avoiding those feelings is what they will become experts at.

One day, however, those feelings of stress and anxiety will be unavoidable. Your teen’s friends may want him to join their band, or try out for their orchestra. Of course he wants to play music with his friends, but if he’s been avoiding live performances all these years, then what’s to stop him from having a full-blown panic attack?

Learning to teach teenage stress management isn’t straight forward. It’s hard to imagine the long term consequences of seemingly inconsequential choices. So to better understand the complexities of teenage stress management, I got on the phone with New York Times bestselling author, Lisa Damour, Ph.D.

On top of being a bestselling author for her two books, Untangled and Under Pressure, Lisa writes the monthly Adolescence column for the New York Times. She maintains her own private psychotherapy practice, she’s a regular contributor to CBS News, and she’s an international speaker and consulter. Oh! And she’s a mother. Not surprisingly, she had a lot to say on this episode about teenage stress management.

Anxiety Isn’t Always Bad

Lisa says that if parents learn only one thing about teenage stress management, it’s this: Psychologists see stress and anxiety as normal, healthy functions.

More often than not, anxiety is your friend. It’s one of your body’s alarm systems that tells you when you need to pay attention and keep yourself safe. If you were driving, and the car ahead of you were swerving back and forth, Lisa would be more concerned if you weren’t having an anxiety attack at that moment. Your body’s alarm system should compel you to respond. Get away from the swerving car!

The same goes for teenagers. If a teen comes to Lisa and says they’re feeling anxious about an upcoming performance, and she learns they haven’t been practicing, then she says,

“Good! You’re having the right reaction to being unprepared!”

Even if the teen did practice for their performance, Lisa says it’s good for them to feel a bit anxious. Research shows that a little anxiety improves performance, and we want our kids to do a good job. She says you don’t want your kid to be in a total zen state before going into a test, performance, or competition. You want them to be a bit “revved up” by some stress.

Anxiety is good because it protects you. It gets your juices flowing. Anxiety makes you do those tasks you’ve been procrastinating, or not taking seriously. Sure, it doesn’t feel good, but neither does exercise, and no one is saying that exercise is bad for you!

There are times when anxiety can be bad, and Lisa helped me understand when that is. She says anxiety is bad when the alarms don’t make sense, and when the alarm is hugely out of proportion to the event. You don’t want your teen having full blown panic attacks over small quizzes. Also, if your teen is feeling anxious all the time, and nothing is wrong, then there’s something faulty with their body’s alarm system.

Most times, though, anxiety is a good thing. But how does knowing this help us parents better understand teenage stress management? How can we help our teenager who is really concerned about that upcoming piano recital? These are the exact questions that drove Lisa to write her book!

Here’s what NOT to do…

Avoidance is Your Worst Option

The one strategy that’s most likely to heighten anxiety is avoidance. Lisa points out, though, that avoidance is often people’s first instinct when faced with anxiety.

When your teen is stressed out about that piano recital, it’s easy as a parent to think it’s no big deal. What’s the harm in letting them skip that one performance? But here’s the problem: the first thing your teen is going to feel when you make their problem disappear is glorious relief. They’re going to feel great! So when the next recital comes around, their brain is going to scream, “Give me that fabulous relief I had before!”

We don’t want to set our teens up for future avoidances. The more your teen avoids recitals, the bigger and scarier they become until their anxiety turns into full blown stage fright. They instead need to seek teenage stress management strategies that can help them confront challenges like this.

Go Against Their Instinct

The goal of teenage stress management is to teach teens that they have a TON of strategies for dealing with their stress. Lisa says it helps to go against their instinct. You can say,

“Look, avoiding this recital is a phenomenal short term solution. It is a TERRIBLE long term solution.”

The teenage brain is often not developed enough for comprehensive long term planning. Teens need parental guidance and support to realize that their decisions do have long term consequences. Once teens see that avoiding challenges makes things worse in the long run, you can then help them build a set of teenage stress management strategies. (High on that list will be breathing for relaxation.)

Once your teen understands that avoiding the piano recital is a bad long term solution, you can then ideate with them! There are loads of teenage stress management tactics they can use to engage with the recital. Maybe they don’t have to perform for the whole recital. Or, if they don’t perform at all, they can at least go and listen to everybody else. See if they can talk to their teacher and get access to the space beforehand to see how it feels. As long as they’re not avoiding the source of their...

Ep 49: Risky Behaviors and Self Harm Sep 09, 2019

Michelle Mitchell, author of 5 parenting books, shares some surprising facts from her newest book, Self Harm. She says teens act reckless and harm themselves when they can't find a better way to deal with strong negative emotions. Thankfully, there's a lot parents can do to help.

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A surprising 10% of teens today are participating in self harm, but about 87% of those teens never talk to medical professionals about it. That means if a teen is self harming, they might only talk to certain family and friends, or not at all. Your teenager, or a teenager you know, might not only be battling this problem, but also keeping it to themselves. Because this issue is rarely discussed publicly, teenagers may not feel comfortable speaking up about it for fear of being judged or punished.

It’s not just teens that avoid talking about this issue. Parents often don’t know how to deal with a moody teenager and refrain from bringing up issues like this as well. This means that even when a teenager is vocal about struggling with self harm, solving the problem isn’t exactly common knowledge. That’s why it’s a good idea to take some time to learn about this issue, even if your teen isn’t fighting a self harm problem. Learning about self harm can help you figure out how to deal with a moody teenager should issues like self harm ever rear its ugly head.

To learn more about how to deal with a moody teenager, we interviewed the amazing Michelle Mitchell, our first ever repeat guest here at Talking to Teens! She’s the author of five parenting books, the founder of the Youth Excel charity, and an advocate for adolescent mental health. Her recent book, Self Harm: Why Teens Do It And What Parents Can Do to Help is full of expertise about self harm.

In today’s episode, Michelle talks about how to deal with a moody teenager. She dives into why teens self harm, and how a parent should react if they find out a teenager is doing so. She also gets into the psychological process of forming habits––the Cue, the Routine, and the Reward––and how you can use this knowledge to figure out how to deal with a moody teenager and help them find alternatives to self harm.

Why do People Hurt Themselves?

Somewhere in the world, a mother notices her teenage son hasn’t been acting like himself lately. He repeatedly comes home in a bad mood, seems disinterested in things he used to like, and spends a lot of time holed up in his room. Something is clearly wrong, so she sits him down to try and figure out what’s going on.

When she finally gets him to open up, he shows her something she doesn’t expect to see: scars on his arm from self harming. He admits he’s been cutting himself regularly and isn’t sure how to stop. Shocked, she doesn’t know how to respond. She never imagined that her teenager would struggle with a self harm issue. She wonders to herself, why on Earth would he do such a thing? Is he trying to end his own life?

There are many triggers and signs, like self harm, that leave parents wondering how to deal with a moody teenager. People often think that self harm is indicative of suicidal tendencies, but this is not the reality for the majority of self harmers. As Michelle explains, most teenagers who self harm are exhibiting cries of pains, and not aiming to end their own lives. A cry of pain is a way of handling emotional turbulence that feels otherwise impossible to escape.

Parents wondering how to deal with a moody teenager who engages in self harm must understand the pressures that lead them to this. Teenagers deal with a lot––pressure from their friends, academic stress, societal expectations––causing them to feel overwhelmed and out of control. Perhaps this woman’s son is being bullied repeatedly at school or struggling with his body image. This can lead to harsh, self critical thoughts that require some kind of outlet. He may have developed this problem because he didn’t have any alternatives to self harm to help him deal with his emotions, and so turned to this solution for stress relief.

Parents wondering how to deal with a moody teenager may find the idea of hurting oneself hard to understand. However you’ve probably experienced something similar: the invigorating pain of exercise. You’ve likely felt your heart pound against your chest and your muscles strain as you do push-ups or jig up a steep hill. The body’s reaction to self harm is not unlike its reaction to working out, and this is why it becomes a cathartic release for some individuals.

It fills the body with adrenaline and excitement, and despite being painful, provides a sort of “high” that distracts from or relieves negative emotions. Teenagers can become addicted to that feeling, causing them to reject healthier alternatives to self harm and continue to hurt themselves instead. Luckily, Michelle is here to walk everyone through the process and help us understand how to deal with a moody teenager.

Starting the Healing Process

So, what would Michelle tell the mother in our story to do, now that she has discovered that her teen is self harming? She wants to comfort her child and help him get better, but doesn’t remotely know where to start. She’s scared of saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse. She simply doesn’t know how to deal with a moody teenager in a way that feels respectful and empathetic.

Michelle reminds us that kids often judge the severity of a situation by how parents react, so how parents respond to self harm matters more than we might expect. Although this mother may be shocked beyond belief by the situation at hand, Michelle says allowing her son to see her panic can be dangerous for his mental state. He may respond with panic himself, leading him back into the intense emotions that caused the self harm to begin with.

When figuring out how to deal with a moody teenager, Michelle states that parents must not lead with their immediate reactions to the discovery of self harm. Instead, we should process our emotions away from the teenager at hand. That way, when we’re ready, we can have a calm, collected conversation about the problem.

When approaching how to deal with a moody teenager, Michelle says it’s not effective for us to blame or criticize the teenager at hand. Instead, we should ask what we can do to help. It can be helpful to let the teenager know that we see the situation as a collective effort, that it’s not something they have to face alone. Michelle suggests being helpful and positive, to steer the conversation in a hopeful direction.

It may be tempting to tell a teenager that they need to stop self harming immediately, to forbid them to ever do it again. Michelle says it doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. The process of figuring out how to deal with a moody teenager is going to be much more gradual. If a teen tries to stop self harming without any leniency, they may relapse and then feel a lot of shame or guilt. You can listen to the full episode to Michelle’s exact advice for slowly decreasing the harm.

She explains the value of shifting a teen’s tendencies from self harm to self help. This means developing new alternatives to self harm, or different ways of coping.

Habits hav...

Ep 48: Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation Aug 18, 2019

Stephanie Sarkis, author of Gaslighting, explains how parents should handle emotionally manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with emotionally manipulative people in their own lives.

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Full show notes

What is Gaslighting?

Has anyone ever dismissed you as crazy when you made a perfectly valid point? Have you ever been accused of lying about how a certain event unfolded? Have you ever realized someone was being overly complimentary towards you only so they could use you for something? Though these equally unpleasant situations may seem disparate, they all have one thing in common. They are all forms of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used in reference to psychologically toxic relationships. You may or may not be familiar with this word as it has only become common speak in the past few years. Common examples of gaslighters can include anti-feminist men who when discussing the gender wage gap say “women get paid less because they don’t work as hard as men.” On the contrary, a woman can also gaslight a man she’s in a relationship with by saying “It’s actually your fault that I cheated on you. I wouldn’t stray if you would just lose 30 pounds.” Gaslighting doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships, it can also happen in professional and social contexts. And though gaslighting is more common amongst adults, teenagers can also become acquainted with gaslighting whether they are using the tactic itself or are in a romantic relationship where they’re the one being gaslighted.

Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation in which a person sows seeds of doubt in another individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. If this sounds familiar to you as a parent, you may be struggling to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers like this. But if you don’t have a manipulative teenager yourself, the last thing you want as a parent is for your teen to be involved with a romantic partner who’s a gaslighter. If either your kid or their partner lies, ignores, or is manipulative in order to get their way, you may be left wondering how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care about the feelings or requests of others.

In order to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers I interviewed Stephanie Sarkis, author of the book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--And Break Free. Sarkis first started writing about gaslighting in an article for Psychology Today. Millions of people read and shared the piece because they identified with being in the type of relationship Sarkis wrote about, where subtle manipulation tactics were used to make you feel bad about yourself. All the positive feedback she got inspired her to write Gaslighting. In this episode, Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with conniving people in their own lives.

Avoiding Toxic Relationships

In this episode we detail how to deal with manipulative teenagers by dissecting the habits and behaviors of gaslighters. Gaslighters are often very charismatic creatures that draw people in with their constant compliments and undying adoration. Once they have your affection; however, their true colors start to show as they isolate you from others by telling you not to trust your friends and family members. Gaslighters have conviction and foresight, and when it sounds like they're making perfect sense, you're already in their trap.

If you’re wondering how to deal with manipulative teenagers or people who portray behaviors like this, Sarkis suggests cutting these gaslighters out of your life entirely. Block their phone number and emails, block them on Facebook, and stop reading their letters. However, Sarkis recognizes that this isn’t always possible when the gaslighter is someone whose presence you can’t escape, like your ex-spouse. This avoidance tactic is especially ineffective if you have kids with the gaslighter. After all, cutting them out could be more harmful to your teen than beneficial to you.

When there’s a gaslighter in your life that you have no choice but to interact with, Sarkis explains that there are different tactics you can take depending on the severity of their manipulative behavior. For example, your ex-spouse may be someone who talks badly about you to your teen, fails to hold up their end of the bargain financially, or habitually shows up late when you are supposed to swap kids. If you find that they are repeatedly bashing you or leaving you with all the responsibilities that should be shared, you may be tempted to reveal to your teen how vindictive they really are. Sarkis insists that you do not take this road—it’s unfair to put your teen in the middle. Additionally, you want to avoid saying things to your teen that can be used as ammunition by the other parent.

Essentially, Sarkis says to keep communication with your ex to a professional minimum. If you need to vent about your ex, she suggests talking to a third party, such as a coworker or therapist. If your ex refuses to be cordial with you, it may be necessary to meet with a coordinator to create a parenting plan. Tune into this episode to hear what a parenting plan is and how it can be a great help when you are stuck co-parenting with a gaslighter.

What if the gaslighter you're dealing with isn’t your former significant other but your teen’s current one? Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers when said teenager is someone your kid is dating. If you outright tell your teen to dump them, you’ll most likely be met with great resistance. Think about it—if your teenager is totally smitten, your attempt to end their relationship may come off as jealousy and can cause them to latch onto the relationship even harder. Any attempt to figure out how to deal with a teenager that doesn't care about your opinion on their boyfriend or girlfriend needs to come from a non-judgmental place.

Sarkis’ advice on how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care is to avoid sounding didactic. When you come off as knowing better than your kid, they’ll tune you out. Instead try relating to your teen by sharing your own story of a time when you suffered emotional abuse. Obviously you don’t have to go into graphic detail. In order to keep appropriate boundaries, make it a point to use examples from your social or professional life rather than your intimate life. For example, talk about a co-worker who pitted other co-workers against you so they could gain power over you in the office. Or about a friend who was only nice to your face when they needed a favor. The key is to find appropriate and relatable stories on how to deal with manipulative teenagers and adults alike.

Throwing Stones

Though not all teenagers are gaslighters, most have a manipulative streak at some point in their adolescence. Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers by pinpointing common habits associated with these troubled teens. She describes the concept of stonewalling, which is when a tee...

Ep 47: Sex Positive Education for Teens Aug 04, 2019

Gia Lynne, author of On Blossoming, thinks the current model of sex education does more harm than good. In this episode, she reveals how to adopt a "pleasure-focused", or "sex positive education", approach instead. Use these tips to set your teen up for sexual success.

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Full show notes

Words like sex and sexuality can sometimes make us squirm. There’s a lot of social stigma when it comes to talking about the birds and the bees in our society, and when it comes time to give our kids a sex positive education, it’s not always easy to find the words. This is especially true when we consider that teens aren’t always open to taking advice from their parents on any topic, let alone something as personal as sex!

If we don’t provide our kids with sex positive education, however, we may put them at especially high risk for certain problems. If they’re not informed by a trusted adult about the dangers of irresponsible intercourse, they may be more inclined to have unprotected sex, or simply may not approach the act with as much caution as they should.

Gia Lynne, our guest today, is here to share her wisdom on sex positive education. She’s the author of On Blossoming: Frank and Practical Advice on Our Bodies, Sexual Health, Sensuality, Pleasure, Orgasm, and More. She’s got a lot of great ideas to help us approach these delicate subjects with ease, and clears up some misconceptions we have might about sex that could be harmful.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

When it comes to sex positive education, one of the things Gia speaks most passionately about is the difference between sexuality and sensuality. The difference lies in purpose. To Gia, sexuality has the ultimate goal of reproduction. It treats sex as a biological process, not a pleasurable experince primarily embarked upon for enjoyment. Sensuality, on the other hand, emphasizes being present, enjoying the sensations of a sexual experience, including the before, during, and after. It’s about the journey, not the end point.

It’s like a symphony, Gia explains. We don’t buy expensive tickets, get dressed up, and have a night out just to go and hear the final chord being played. We come to the symphony to hear the entire thing, to enjoy crescendos, interludes, high and low notes. It’s more than just the final result--it’s an experience.

So, how is this idea important when it comes to giving our kids a sex positive education? Gia explains that it’s tied to the pressures young people feel nowadays surrounding sexual activity. Teenagers are often wondering if they’re old enough, to start experimenting with sex, if they’re doing it with the right person, if they will be judged for their behavior. They sometimes think there’s a kind of invisible standard that they have to match up to in order to have sex “correctly.”

Adding to this is the pressure young people feel around the word: “virginity.” Teenagers often get caught up with the idea of losing the title of “virgin” or gaining some kind of catharsis after losing their virginity. However, this can lead to a lot of self-esteem issues, and may convince some teenagers that they need to rush into having sex before they’re ready or before they meet the right person.

By emphasizing the value of sensuality in a sex positive education, we can help teenagers understand that sex isn’t about other peoples opinions or unrealistic standards. It’s about having a pleasurable, caring, gentle experience with somebody you love. It doesn’t have to include penetration, doesn’t have to be between a man and a woman. As long as you practice safety and consent and both participants are treated with respect, sex can be whatever you like it to be.

Starting Conversations

Gia talks about how her book can be used to initiate conversation between you and your teenager about these tricky topics. When you give them the book, let them know that they can always ask you questions about what they read. Alternatively, you could sit down with your teenager on a regular basis and talk to them about the different chapters of the book. If you’re nervous about going into these sex positive education talks without any precedent, use the information provided in the book as a jumping off point!

You may be asking, what topic from the book would be a good place to start to give my teen a sex positive education? Glad you asked. One issue that Gia encourages to discuss is masturbation. While it can be one of the most uncomfortable things to discuss with your child, it can help them have a better understanding of their own body and teach that it is a totally normal part of life.

You may have difficulty with the word “masturbation” itself––it can feel pretty awkward to say to anyone, especially to your teenager! As silly as it may seem, Gia suggests spending some time saying the word on your own to yourself so that when it comes to the talk with your teen, it’ll roll off the tongue a little easier. Alternatively, she mentions how growing up, she was so embarrassed to talk about it with her parents that they labelled it, “the m-word.” Even though they didn’t use the word itself, they were able to discuss the concept, which is what truly matters when it comes to a sex positive education.

One really important thing, Gia says, is to have these talks early and often. By giving your chid a sex positive education while they’re still young. It helps them normalize the idea of sex instead of creating shame or guilt around it, and helps establish the importance of safe sex early on.

You don’t necessarily have to come right out and discuss sex and all it’s intricacies right away; start with helping your kid understand their body’s reactions to nonsexual stimuli or even help them practice saying yes and no to things they do or don’t want—essentially normalizing the idea of consent. That way, when they do become sexually active, they’ll be more familiar with their own bodies and feelings.

Ongoing Conversation

Gia shares an interesting observation from her father when she started dating her first boyfriend in high school. She had been spending a lot of time with her new boyfriend when her father confronted her, saying that as soon as she starts dating someone, she stops spending time with her family. Gia was shocked to hear this, and didn’t really notice there was a problem.

You can prevent this by having talks early with your teenager, and by creating a strong, nonjudgmental relationship with them. By always checking in and showing your teen that you care, you can build a bond that isn’t broken when your teenager starts dating.

More From Gia

Gia’s interesting perspective on sex positive education and genuine regard for teenagers’ wellbeing shines through in today’s episode. She’s here to help your teenager understand their sexuality, and to guide you as a parent through this confusing time. In this episode, we cover:

Gia’s unique, progressive childhood and how it informed her ideas about sex
Why the traditional Masters and Johnson’s model of sexual pleasure is outdated
The idea of a “deliberate orgasm date”
How virginity is tied to outdated ideas about a woman’s worth
How to help your kids adopt a “pleasure” mindset about sex and life in general

If you love Gia’s advice on sex positive education, pick up her book t...

Ep 46: Handling Problem Teenagers Jul 14, 2019

David Sortino, author and psychologist, talks about the lessons he learned working at a school for problem teenagers during his twenties. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage the students. This episode also covers his book on the neuroscience of learning.

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Full show notes

It’s no secret that teens can be moody and irritable from time to time, but it can become a larger problem when teens start deliberately acting out. Teens can act out in ways that endanger themselves and others. They can end up really causing harm to their health or safety, such as losing sleep, trying illicit drugs, not taking school seriously or even drinking and driving. If their behavior is bad enough, they can end up in serious trouble with their school or even the law. Their consequences could be a serious or even permanent mark on their young lives.

Of course, there are perfectly healthy ways to take risks and explore the world that is outside of one’s comfort zone. But it is always important to be mindful of the fact that when your teen is still young, they should be exploring the world in a way that doesn’t cause harm at the expense of anyone else’s wellbeing. When parenting out of control teens, the situation should be approached gracefully yet firmly. If not, they can act out even further out of spite or frustration.

Parenting out of control teens is no easy feat. It can be tiresome physically and emotionally when going through already taxing endeavors such as college applications, learning how to drive, or moving out. You probably have enough on your plate as is! You’re not alone though. I spoke to one of the most knowledgeable and generous experts on troubled teens. This episode will help you communicate with and help seemingly out of control teens flourish.

David Sortino, author and psychologist, uses the lessons he learned working at a school for troubled students to discuss parenting out of control teens. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage students who didn’t want to be lectured to. Dr. Sortino was able to connect with teens who would’ve otherwise not been taken seriously. You could even try them for yourself at home!

In addition to his PhD in developmental psychology and his doctoral work at Harvard, Dr. Sortino has a lot of real-world experience working with troubled teenagers. He's worked with juvenile offenders in prison, gangsters seeking rehabilitation, and kids who have been expelled from school. His book, The Promised Cookie, is the true story of a school for troubled teenagers where Dr. Sortino worked during his twenties. Readers will find that many of the lessons in this book can be applied to parenting out of control teens.

David Sortino's passion for working with troubled teenagers started during his own childhood when his school administered an achievement test to determine which level of classes each student would be placed in. David threw the test in revolt and was placed in a special education class referred to by everyone else at the school as the "Zoo-Zoo Class".

During that year, he noticed how poorly everyone treated the "Zoo-Zoo" students and it inspired his interest in troubled teenagers. He noticed that although they were being treated poorly, his peers were nothing short of intelligent and hard working students. Just because they didn’t fit into the mold of a supposedly “good” student, they were treated as if something were wrong with them. From there, David made it his life’s work to be able to not only understand teens that are labeled as “difficult” or “troubled”, but also help them thrive and reach their potential in life. David strives to make parenting out of control teens easier by sharing tips he’s learned from working with troubled kids.

If you’re parenting out of control teens and wondering why they’re acting out, look into how they’re being treated at school. How well (or not) is your teen interacting with their peers and their teachers? Are they being given the right opportunities to be challenged? Are their needs being taken seriously?

How do I interact with difficult-to-reach teens?

In this week’s episode about parenting out of control teens, David explains how to use what he calls a “behavior contract” with a teenager. A behavior contract is simply a document that you write out that states clearly your behavioral expectations for them. The key, David says, is to appeal to their current stage of moral reasoning. Most teens are in the “Reciprocity” stage, says Sortino. However, as no two teenagers are alike, your teen may very well be in a different stage. David gives an extended explanation about the various stages later in this episode.

Additionally, writing out a contract will also challenge your teen to think about right and wrong, which leads them to a higher level of moral reasoning. By granting your teen respect and higher levels of responsibilities, you are actively empowering them. Furthermore, having a physical piece of paper with expectations written out will make the situation all the more real and tactile. Having a physical sheet of paper with an agreement and their signature will keep them from trying to bend or change the rules set for them.

Another tip for parenting out of control teens that David told me is to focus on your expectations for your teenager. Sure you’d love it for them to attend an Ivy League institution or to start a multi-million dollar company, but is it what your teen wants? It's hard not to project ourselves onto our children! We all have hopes and dreams for our kids. But those expectations can actually cause teens to rebel and push against our influence.

How do I manage my own expectations for my teen?

Dr. Sortino also taught me a great strategy for parenting out of control teens and empathizing with your teenager. He says the key is to think back to the most vulnerable moments of your own childhood and imagine how you felt during those moments. Spend a few moments meditating and reliving some of the most vulnerable moments from your own teenage years. Really try to experience the moments in full detail, using all five senses. To start, write down three memories that make you feel especially vulnerable.

And now think about your own teen and moments that they’ve been scared, worried or embarrassed. When parenting out of control teens, approaching conversations after doing this kind of visualization will make you feel much more connected to them. When you see yourself in your teen’s environment, you can come to a place of better understanding. Maybe then you’ll see why your teen is acting out. Or maybe your teen will feel more comfortable opening up after seeing their parents' vulnerability and empathy.

During our interview, David told me about the experience of being put in remedial classes for a year and witnessing how the kids were expected to perform poorly and behave problematically. Studies show that people have a strange way of living up to the expectations that are placed upon them. When parenting out of control teens, set an expectation for your teen to behave in an upstanding manner and don’t automatically assume the worst from them.

Learning More About Parenting Troubled Teens

We’ve only begun to scratch the surface of parenting out of control teens. In this week’s extended episode, Dr. Sortino elaborates further into the psyche of a troubled te...

Ep 45: Troublesome Teenage Boys Jun 30, 2019

Bill Beausay, the author of Teenage Boys!, talks about how to build a strong connection with a tough teen and how to challenge teens to step up and handle their own problems. He also reveals how to teach manners to teens.

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Full show notes

When it comes to parenting today’s teens, our goal is to raise our kids to be able to survive without us. We want to imbue our teens with the ability to adapt to whatever life throws at them. If we can give them the skills to make it as independent individuals, we can relax knowing that they’re well-adjusted, functional members of society.

The trick is finding the right techniques for parenting today’s teens to set them up for a life of adult decision making. We want to guide them and offer a helping hand, but we don’t want to shelter them too much. We want to inform them of the harsh realities of the world, but not expose them too much or too soon. How can we find the right approach to parenting today’s teens that allows us to be nurturing without coddling?

Our guest today is Bill Beausay, author of over 20 books on topics spanning from parenting troubled teenage boys to self-empowerment in the workplace. He’s here to talk about the process of parenting today’s teens, drawing on his parenting knowledge and his experiences as a clinical psychotherapist and counselor. Bill’s tactics provide unique and innovative ideas about parenting today’s teens can guide you as a parent to help teens navigate their transition to adulthood.

The Importance of Vulnerability

Bill takes the stance that teenagers are really adults, just without adult-levels of experience. They have the same needs, wants, and goals, but they’re not always wise or informed when it comes to decision making. They procrastinate, act without thinking, and are overall just messy! That doesn’t mean they’re not trying or not intelligent, they just haven’t learned yet.

When parenting today’s teens, try stepping into their shoes--after all, you were a teenager once too! Let them know that adult life may seem overwhelming, but it’s only a matter of learning and adapting. Share teenage memories of when you messed up or felt that there was something you’d never figure out. This helps your teen relate to you, understand your lesson, and feel at ease with their own decision making trials.

In fact, Bill says being vulnerable with your kids is one of the most beneficial things you can do when parenting today’s teens. Bill emphasizes that a lot of kids today aren’t used to having kind, truthful adults in their lives. He discusses that those parenting today’s teens have certain expectations to be emotionally removed from their children and to set boundaries. This ends up being problematic for both parties, however, because it keeps them from communicating effectively and finding common ground.

Reaching your Teen

Approaching your kids and talking to them with vulnerability can be hard, especially because teens often reject advice from adults. Bill suggests bringing up important topics in casual settings and situations. Instead of sitting them down and creating a lot of nervousness around the discussion, find an activity that the two of you can do together and bring up tricky topics while the two of you bond. If you can, spend some time with your teenager doing something you both enjoy, you’ll be able to find ways to talk about serious concepts without either of you becoming too overwhelmed or intimidated.

Similarly, Bill talks about how, when parenting today’s teens, we often resort to default modes of communication. Some default modes might look like saying no, using the same wording over and over, or repeating modes of communication or discipline to the point where kids just aren’t fazed anymore.

When parenting today’s teens, Bill encourages you to challenge those defaults and find new ways to communicate with your teen in order to really get your ideas through. Maybe you can try writing them a letter when the two of you argue, as a way to express your true feelings. Perhaps you can try texting them regularly as a new way to reach them. Try something new and change the way you communicate in order to remind them that you’re still there for them or to surprise them into really listening to what you have to say.

“You’ll Be Sorry” Technique

Bill emphasizes the importance of ensuring your children know that there are consequences for their actions. He shares a certain technique for parenting today’s teens in which you remind kids that certain decisions will result in feeling sorry about the consequences.

Here’s how it works. Say, for example, your son is refusing to clean the garage, even though he knows it’s his responsibility. Instead of tearing your hair out trying to get him to do it, just let him know that if he doesn’t, he’ll probably be sorry later. Then, later that day, when he asks for a favor or permission to do something, just tell him no. Remind of earlier, when you warned him that he’d be sorry.

This might sound mean, but Bill swears by its effectiveness for parenting today’s teens. It helps kids learn that when they don’t take care of their responsibilities, they miss out on the rewards. Life is unrelenting and requires you to take care of things when they need to be taken care of. Bill wants to teach teens that neglecting to do what is necessary can land you in a bad spot.

Unlike other, more punitive approaches of parenting today’s teens, this approach doesn’t require excessive punishment. It does not require raising your voice, and it doesn’t encourage nagging. Instead, it’s a simple and quick way to make your point and make sure your child understands.

Helping Your Teenager Find Their Purpose

Growing up is hard. Part of that difficulty is considering what you are going to spend your life doing. Many teenagers think they know what they want one minute, yet change their mind as soon as they arrive at a conclusion. Others are entirely lost and unsure, seeing no path forward. As Mark Twain famously said, “I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.”

Bill says the important thing is just to start this journey somewhere. For example, he asked his daughter, who was having trouble deciding what to do with her future, to just name one thing––anything––that she wanted out of life. She responded by saying that she wanted to meet Brad Pitt.

Although this isn’t necessarily a concrete life plan by any means, it’s an idea, a push in some direction. In order to meet Brad Pitt, said Bill, his daughter might have to move to California. She then had to consider if that’s something she’d like to do. Regardless of her subsequent choices, Bill got his daughter thinking about her future by asking simple but effective questions.

Bill also had an interesting experience with his son when it came time to help him decide what to do with his future. One day, he and his son were out in the front yard together, doing yard work. They saw a plane overhead, and his son was captivated by its presence. Bill asked his son if they wanted to follow it, so they did, chasing it all the way to the airport. When they got there, Bill’s son was interested in the mechanics of how airports run and how planes get i...

Ep 44: Non-Punitive Parenting Strategies Jun 16, 2019

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.

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Full show notes

Parenting with patience can be hard when your teen has a snarky, dismissive, or otherwise negative attitude. As teens grow, they don’t want to be babied or feel like they’re being controlled, so they may act out against you to create a sense of distance or even dominance.

It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for teens to have hard days and to be in a bad mood. It becomes a bigger problem when this behavior turns into a habit of breaking rules and violating boundaries. Teens who regularly rebel against your authority could be on the path to a difficult young adulthood where all they know is conflict and hard feelings.

Parenting with patience is a skill that you will learn through practice. If you parent with an iron fist, it probably won’t go well and it may even encourage your teen to rebel even more than they already were. It’s easy to fall into a parenting trap of feeling like you want to punish your teen severely in order to prove a point, but punishments out of spite only start a vicious cycle of resentment and continued bad behavior.

But on the other hand, if you let bad behavior continue, you could hurt both your family life and your teen’s personal life. There needs to be a way to keep peace in your house in a way that doesn’t make your teen feel like they’re being controlled or that you’re being overbearing. Parenting with patience and understanding is probably the best way to both maintain order and also set an amicable atmosphere in the house. This week, I spoke with a mother of 5 who managed to do just that.

Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows you exactly what you can do to stop the process. After 27 years of being a parent to loving children, her expertise is truly valuable. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive parenting strategies and gain a better understanding of parenting with a deeper sense of patience.

Using the Right Language to Diffuse Tension

Teenagers often don’t know how to communicate fully. They are still learning how to use their language to express themselves to others. Judy says you should model a more grown up language for a while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. When parenting with patience, it’s your job to be the bigger person and set an example for your teen, no matter how badly they behaved.

Think about a time that you had a disagreement that turned into a bigger fight. Write down examples of things your teen says when they are mad that really bother you. Next, write down what your teen should say instead, phrased as an “I-statement.”

To create an “I-statement,” alter the language so that it’s all said in terms of your teenager and how they feel.

For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might become “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel chores are being laid on me.” “You’re so unfair” might be better phrased as “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being made without my input.”

An “I-statement” like this is a much more respectful way of expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get discouraged! Mistakes are just a part of parenting with patience. Ask your teens to collaborate with you and have them create their own “I-statements.”

Understanding Why Teens Rebel

The rebellious nature of teens can provide a barrier to parenting with patience. Where are some areas in which your teenager is rebelling? Write down as many of the rebellious things your teen is doing as you can think of. Judy told me that rebellion always happens around an issue where the parent has drawn a “line in the sand,” or has made a very firm rule that something will “not be tolerated.” When teens don’t have anything to rebel against, she says, they don’t rebel at all.

Now, spend a few minutes thinking about how your own teens rebel. Write how you could change each item so it expresses what you believe without limiting your teen’s autonomy. For instance, “Drugs will not be tolerated” could be changed to something like, “In my life, I’ve found that drugs do more harm than good, but you are free to live your own life however you choose.” When it comes to dealing with teenage rebels, parenting with patience is about focusing on what you believe, not on what you will or won’t “allow” your teen to do. By putting the ball in their court, you give them a sense of autonomy and responsibility rather than a sense of prohibition.

Practicing Patience in Times of Conflict

Judy told me that parenting with patience requires you to cool off before talking to your teenager about something that’s making them mad. If you find yourself getting angry during any conversation with your teenager, excuse yourself from the talk and go cool off. Coming into an argument with a confrontational and emotional attitude won’t solve any problems. Patient parenting calls for a calm and collected demeanor.

Judy recommends keeping a specific place that is dedicated to cooling off. Yours could be a meditation cushion, or a yoga mat, or a certain corner of your room. Sometimes, you might even need to get out of the house. Going out for a walk could be a helpful respite from an emotional or volatile conversation. Cooling down is an important part of parenting with patience because it sets an example for your teen that emotions are completely valid, yet, need to be managed in a way that is healthy so that you can manifest positive actions.

Take a moment and plan what your cool-off routine will be. Where will you go? What will you do? What will you say? What will you think about? Studies show that you’ll cool off more efficiently if you have a dedicated space and pre-set routine. The dedicated space and routine will condition you to come to a more still and mindful place that’s more conducive to parenting with patience.

In this episode, Judy was able to share a few insightful anecdotes from her personal life and taught me some awesome non-punitive parenting strategies from her book Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience. You'll learn to:

Reduce the reasons for rebelling
Teach your teen to express their emotions calmly
Manage your own anger at your teen
Express your needs to your teenager more clearly
Respond to swearing and foul language
Use “I-statements” effectively
Comfort your teen during emotional times

When your teens grow into being their own person, they will have thoughts and feelings that will be so much more different from your own. As a parent going throu...

Ep 43: How to Stop Yelling at Kids Jun 02, 2019

Bonnie Harris, the bestselling author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, reveals why your kids make you so mad sometimes. In this episode, she breaks down her incredible system to stop yelling at kids and start connecting with them instead.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

It’s a normal Saturday night in your house, and you and your teenager are getting along just fine. All of a sudden, they ask if they can go to a party, and seem very insistent You don’t know who’s going to be there, where the party will be, or what people will be doing. Naturally, you say no. Frustrated by this and emotional, your teenager retaliates, knowing just what to say to push your buttons. You get mad and yell, and both of you leave the conversation feeling worse than when you started.

This cycle is hard to break. It’s not easy to figure out how to stop yelling at kids. As a parent, you want to protect your child and make sure they stay on the right path, and sometimes it feels like there’s no other way to ensure their well being other than to yell at them! On the other hand, your teenager wants freedom, and when you won’t yield to their demands they know just how to frustrate you. Even though they know that their tactics will only lead to more fighting, they antagonize you anyway.

Fortunately, our guest today has some answers for you. She’s here to help you learn how to stop yelling at kids and implement more positive solutions. Her name is Bonnie Harris, and she’s the author of When Kids Push your Buttons and What You Can Do About It. On top of being a mother herself, Bonnie has given talks all over the world and is constantly running workshops for parents. These workshops focus on how to become better at diffusing tension between you and your teen and how to stop yelling at kids.

It was in one of these workshops that Bonnie began to notice this destructive cycle of yelling among her clients. She realized that this was a very common problem among teenagers and parents, and started to look at her interactions with her own teenager to try and figure out how to stop yelling at kids.

Teenage Emotions

After examining her teenager’s behavior during arguments, she noticed that her kid was not only miserable by the end of a dispute, but often seemed to go in already feeling upset. Bonnie clarifies that this is because they’re feeling other emotions that they don’t know how to process, which they then channel into this argumentative behavior.

It’s like an iceberg, Bonnie explains. When we see an iceberg above water, we only see about 10%. The other 90% lies under the water, invisible from the surface. The angry words that you hear from your child are just what you see. The rest is below, not expressed.

If you want to know how to stop yelling at kids, you must explore their unexpressed feelings. These often include loneliness, jealousy, or sadness, and this button pushing occurs as a result of these feelings emerging without control. If something about your behavior triggers them, then they are likely to take these emotions out on you. For example, they may blow up when they can’t attend a party because they have been feeling lonely or isolated at school and they feel that this party is going to help them fit in. They’re not just trying to piss you off. They’re trying to solve their own problems, but they don’t know how.

You’re not going to know how to stop yelling at kids if you don’t find out what’s really going on with your teenager. You’ll simply make assumptions and judgements that are not productive. Bonnie explains that when our teenagers piss us off, we assume it’s because they want to make us mad, want to disrespect us, want to ruin our days. We assume that they are making us angry for the sake of making us angry. Then we fall into a cycle of yelling and retaliation when really, you and your child are on the same team. If we put these assumptions aside, we can see that our teens are just trying to blow off steam, but are using an unhealthy outlet.

To figure out how to stop yelling at kids and create a deeper connection between you and your teen (instead of a greater divide), ask them about their behavior. When it comes to a party you know nothing about, ask them why they want to go to this party so badly. Instead of saying no outright, or allowing the discussion to escalate, listen closely and pay attention. Making an effort to actually learn what’s going on with your teenager is the best method for how to stop yelling at kids. If you learn the true root of their behavior, you’ll actually be able to help them feel better instead of hurting them and perpetuating a destructive yelling habit.

Different Agendas

Part of the problem is not that your teenager is out to aggravate you, but instead that you and your teenager have different agendas. When you’re trying to get to work on time and need them to get in the car, they’re trying to make sure their mascara looks just right so they can impress a boy at school. While it may seem like your agenda is much more important, their agenda is important to them too, and that’s something you may need to learn if you want to know how to stop yelling at kids.

In order to help you both meet your agendas, Bonnie stresses the importance of collaborative problem solving. This means applying empathy, understanding, and effective communication to reach an agreement with your teen. Instead of punishment, blames, and threats, which have been heavily researched and found to be ineffective, take the time to listen and work through the issue calmly and fairly.

In the ‘party’ situation, work out a time that your teenager needs to be home. Figure out who they are going to be with, what they’ll be doing, and for how long. Have a calm, receptive conversation with your teenager to understand why they’re behaving as they are and how you can both agree on a solution to your conflict. If you’re wondering how to stop yelling at kids, the true remedy is communication.

Identifying Changing your Perceptions

One solution for how to stop yelling at kids may be changing your perception—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You or your teen may be holding onto preconceived notions that are both causing you to inadvertently experience confusion and pain that’s just not necessary.

For example, Bonnie shares the story of a woman who attended one of her workshops who would constantly get into arguments with her daughter. After these long arguments, her daughter would always be very upset, and call herself “stupid.” The mother was really struggling with this recurring problem, as she believed her daughter to be anything but stupid. Why would her daughter say this when her mother had never once asserted that she had lower intelligence? Bonnie suggested that the mother ask her daughter about what “stupid” means.

It turns out, her daughter thought “stupid” is what you are when someone is mad at you. By examining and challenging this perception, the mother figured out how to stop yelling at kids and help her daughter understand the true meaning of the word. The daughter realized that her mother actually considered her to be very smart, and the two were able to make progress in their relationship.

You also may have perceptions about how you should be treated by your children, perceptions could be holding you back from developing healthy communication with them...

Ep 42: Positive Parenting Solutions May 26, 2019

Jane Nelsen, the author of the Positive Discipline books and founder of the positive discipline movement reveals some positive parenting strategies for rebellious and defiant teenagers. Get your teen under control without punishing and lecturing them with these great tips.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Being a parent is busy work.

The amount of household and childcare responsibilities placed on top of a 40 hour work week can seem monstrously overwhelming. You’re doing so much! It’s no wonder that when your kids neglect to do their homework, you might feel like exploding. They had one job!

Obviously, these emotional explosions aren’t healthy for you or your kids. Even if you feel like you can keep your emotions in check, how often do you find yourself lecturing away at your children? I mean, how else are they going to get the message that their homework is important, and they can’t be playing video games all day?

Thankfully, there are ways to take this business and channel it towards some positive parenting techniques that will benefit you and your children. Not just one or two proven techniques, but a whole world of them! With a simple shift in mindset, you can use the collective creativity of your entire family to come up with an endless stream of ideas for getting chores done.

To help provide some tried and tested wisdom on positive parenting techniques, I spoke with the mother of 7, grandmother of 22, and great-grandma of 13, Jane Nelsen!

Jane is an educational psychologist famous for her Positive Discipline books and seminars. She teaches positive parenting techniques for managing children without resorting to punishments, threats, or other negative tactics (such as the old fashioned “timeout”). Her knowledge is very well received across the country, and she’s even appeared on Oprah! I was so excited to get time with her and ask her about these positive parenting techniques.

Being Busy is a Blessing

Being busy as a parent can be a positive thing. Jane tells parents that having work is a blessing because you can get your children involved in helping out around the house.

She jokes that when she was raised, her parents didn’t even drive her to school. She walked to school even when she was five! (We won’t say how long ago that was.) The point she makes is that when she was growing up, she and her friends found freedom outside of their homes because at home they were expected to do the chores. The kids were expected to help out on the farm.

Today, it seems flipped to where the parents are expected to do the chores and the kids are just expected to do homework. But these are not positive parenting techniques! Jane says she sees children today having very little freedom outside the home, and inside the home they are being micromanaged. Instead of telling kids how to help out around the house, Jane more often sees parents lecturing their children over every aspect of their homework.

What’s the point of this lecturing and micromanagement? This leads us to one of Jane’s key things regarding positive parenting techniques.

Belonging and Significance

One of the key parts of practicing positive parenting techniques is understanding why we do what we do. So why would we give our children more responsibilities? If they won’t even do their homework, who’s to say they’ll do other chores we assign them?

Jane says that the reason behind all positive parenting techniques is that children need to feel belonging, and they need to feel significant. She says that belonging is easy, and comes down to kids feeling unconditional love from parents. Significance, on the other hand, is different.

Significance does not mean giving your kids more love, but more responsibility.

It’s easy to think that you can make your child feel significant by pampering them and lessening their responsibility. But Jane says that children need to feel capable, especially when it comes to serving their home, their school, and their greater community. By giving kids more responsibility, you are helping them develop long range life skills to be happy, successful people.

So, busy parents, don’t feel guilty that you’re working a lot outside the home. See it as an opportunity to increase your children’s significance in the home! It’s not child labor to have them take the trash out and clean the dishes. Children need those responsibilities to learn that they as humans are necessary members of a functioning family.

Giving your children more responsibility might sound like a tense conversation to have. This is where Jane’s positive parenting techniques become next level! Here’s one step you can take to make these conversations super creative and fun for your kids.

Family Meetings

Family meetings are great for establishing positive parenting techniques. It’s important to get your kids involved in them, especially when it comes to family problem solving.

Jane strongly suggests having weekly family meetings to get your children engaged in the process of maintaining the house. She says to get them involved asking:

“What are the things we all need to do to keep the house running smoothly?”

Once you’ve created a list, chat about which chores the parents can do and which ones the kids can do. Then you can help your kids come up with a creative way to keep track of their responsibilities throughout the week. They can build a chore chart with dice, a spin wheel, cans of colored popsicle sticks, or anything else they can come up with!

If your child has a complaint about the system during the week, you can tell them to bring it up at the next family meeting. Help them problem solve and come up with ideas on their own. If they are coming up with their own solutions to their own system for doing chores, they will be so much more likely to execute! For example:

Jane said that her kids used a whiteboard with all the responsibilities listed out for the week, and when a chore got done they would cross it off. They each had to do two chores per day. This system worked until one of them asked, “Why does my sister get all the easy ones?”

At the next family meeting, Jane asked her kids what they thought they should do to solve this problem. After some deliberation, they ended up adding more chores to the whiteboard and assigning them on a first-come first-serve basis. They would race each other home to see who could do chores first!

Jane says this worked with her kids because it was their idea. And it doesn’t take much adjusting for a child to think something was their idea. In Jane’s example, the whiteboard system didn’t change, just the approach to it did.

Years of Wisdom

Jane knows so much about raising kids, both from research and from experience. She has so many simple adjustments for learning positive parenting techniques. I felt like our conversation just scratched the surface of her years of wisdom, and yet we talked about so much!

The Idea of Being Kind and Firm
Connection Before Correction
The Mistaken Goal Chart
The 4 Ways Children Try to Gain Belonging and Significance
The 4 Ways Parents Try to Gain Belonging and Significance
The Iceberg: Behaviors, Beliefs, and Needs
Positive Discipline Tools for Teenage Years
Understanding Teenage Prioriti...

Ep 41: Choosing Great Teen Fiction Books May 05, 2019

Brandon Mull, author of 15 New York Times Bestsellers, discusses what makes good teen fiction books. He also shares what he's learned about how to get teens reading for fun while giving thousands of free lectures in schools around the country.

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Full show notes

When we read a book, we allow ourselves and our minds to go on a unique journey. We give ourselves the ability to experience perspectives we’ve never known or thought about before. We form attachments to people and places beyond the scope of our understanding. Overall, we learn more about ourselves and the world just by sitting down and cracking open a paperback.

That’s why helping kids learn to love reading is important. Finding Good teen fiction books to read provides them a chance to expand their imaginations and views without even leaving their homes! Additionally, reading is a great tool to develop creative thinking, literary skills, and focus among young people.

However, in our modern world saturated with visual media, it’s challenging to find good teen fiction books to read. Society doesn’t really encourage teens to explore the written word anymore. Young people are much more likely to spend time on Tik Tok, Youtube and Netflix than browsing the shelves at the library or eBook store. How can we convince them to take the time to enjoy a good novel when there’s millions of hours of content available to stream at any moment?

Our guest today, Brandon Mull, is here to talk about how we can get kids reading again. He’s written fifteen--that’s right, fifteen--New York Times bestselling books, and many are suggested books for teens. His most popular book series, Fablehaven, has sold millions and millions of copies all over the world. Also, he’s made it his purpose to teach young people about the value of reading, by touring schools for four months out of every year to hold free assemblies.

“Tipping Point” Books

Brandon talks about how when he was young, he had a big imagination, but didn’t always know what to do with it. He never really liked to read, until he discovered The Chronicles of Narnia. The fantastical world and vivid characters captured his interest, and he was hooked. From then on, reading became his favorite activity, until he decided to pick up the pen and go at it himself.

Brandon stresses the idea of a sort of “tipping point” book that can turn kids into readers. Although teens might not really seem to enjoy reading, they may not have found a book that really appeals to them. Finding good teen fiction books to read that excite and invigorate them can take them from being entirely disinterested in reading to seeing some merit in it. This could lead them to pick up another book, and another after that. They might even fall in love with the written word and become avid readers!

Although Narnia was the tipping point for Brandon, it’s important to understand that every kid is different and they won’t all enjoy reading the same suggested books for teens. Brandon is a fantasy writer, and he celebrates the ability of fantasy to connect to lots of readers. That’s because fantasy is exciting and captures the imagination, he says, but also because of the mainstream success of franchises like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. If a kid is interested in planes, animals, or dinosaurs, however, they might not find fantasy appealing at all!

As a parent, if we can take the time to learn exactly what it is that our kids are passionate about, we can help them find good teen fiction books to read that’ll develop an interest in reading that lasts a lifetime.

Reading Keeps Imagination Alive

Finding good teen fiction books to read can help kids form lifelong relationships with their imaginations. They’ll be happier and more well rounded individuals that continue into adult life with a sense of creativity. One problem Brandon really tries to combat in his work is the loss of time for imagination and creativity as people get older. Our lives become busy and our priorities change, making it difficult for us to make time for things we used to enjoy.

For example, when Brandon visits a school, he usually asks kids if they enjoy creative activities like drawing. Among late elementary school students, almost 80% will say they enjoy these activities. When he asks high school students, only about 10% respond saying they still partake.

We want our kids to grow up and become innovators, entrepreneurs, and game changers. Getting kids to read a wide variety of suggested books for teens allows them to explore their imagination and creativity. They’ll grow up to be people who dream big and see the world in a unique way. If not, they’ll never find ways to challenge the norm, to think outside of the box.

As Brandon says, when we read, we generate brilliant interpretations of the written word. He explains that you often read a book, imagine it in your head, and then find the movie adaptation to be disappointing. This means that you have the power to create stories in your head that are more entertaining as those created by acclaimed directors with budgets of millions.

Life Lessons

Books use fictional places and characters to explore themes that teach important lessons to young people. Brandon explains how fiction allows him to create worlds and characters that help him express the themes he wants to share. As parents, encouraging our kids to read suggested books for teens allow them to think about their lives in constructive ways.

For example, the two main characters of his Fablehaven series both experience character arcs, or personal journeys, but they grow in different ways. The books tell the story of two siblings, Kendra and Seth, after they happen upon a magical world in their grandparents’ garden. Kendra, a very careful and cautious person, is constantly learning that sometimes in life, you have to take risks. Simultaneously, her more free-spirited brother, Seth, is learning that he sometimes needs to have a plan and practice caution. As these two characters grow and evolve, they are constantly understanding themselves, each other, and the world on new levels.

No matter which character young readers identify with, seeing these two contracting ways of growing can help kids see that we all have different personalities and struggles and that’s ok. Everyone is dealing with different things in life, but that doesn’t stop us from always improving and continuing to work on ourselves.

Family Bonding

Not only do suggested books for teens help your child develop a rich inner world, but they can also be a reason for you and your teenager to spend time together. Reading together in the evenings or listening to books on audio during long road trips is one of the ways Brandon says families often enjoy his books.

He explains how sharing these fictional worlds with your family members can provide a way for you to talk about serious issues with your children. By using the fictional universe as a kind of shared language with your kids, you can discuss real world problems without making things too intense...

Ep 40: Learning and Study Strategies Apr 14, 2019

Ulrich Boser, author of "Learn Better" and "The Leap", discusses the latest research on the science of learning strategies and reveals how you can help your teen to adopt proven study techniques for accelerating academic performance with less effort.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

When a teenager is constantly getting bad grades or failing to grasp course material, it’s hard to watch as a parent. It’s difficult to see them struggle to learn as well or as fast as their peers. We especially don’t want our kids to fall behind or get discouraged. Poor learning skills in the teen years can negatively impact grades, but failing to improve those skills can lead to greater disadvantages further into adulthood. This is why learning strategies for teens are so important! We want our kids to be happy, well-adjusted members of society, not those struggling to keep up.

Luckily, there are tried and true learning strategies for teens that can guide our kids towards being more effective learners. Our guest today is Ulrich Boser, the author of the book Learn Better: Mastering the Skills for Success in Life, Business, and School, Or, How to Become an Expert in Just About Anything. In the episode, Ulrich shines light on common misconceptions most people have about learning and several great learning strategies for teens we can use today.

Ulrich writes from the heart, as the inspiration for the book came from his own childhood. He struggled a lot in school, as he needed to repeat kindergarten and was placed into special education classes. Due to his difficulty keeping up with class, he always assumed he was going to be less successful than the classmates who excelled beyond him. However, as he began thinking critically about the process of learning itself, he discovered how he could become much more capable of retaining knowledge. He took his ideas about learning strategies for teens and put them into the book.

Ulrich describes a serious problem we have in today’s education system. He says we tend to sort people into two categories: good learners and bad learners. We shouldn’t be doing this, however, as research shows that we all have pretty much the same learning abilities. Rather than labeling them as unintelligent, we should be providing individualized learning strategies for teens who struggle in school.

One of the many learning strategies for teens that we discuss is the importance of physical learning. For example, we can greatly benefit from using hand motions to remember pieces of information. Although it may look peculiar, try helping your teen create a tapping motion that goes along with the information they are expected to memorize. Then, have them perform that same hand motion while being tested. This surprising technique can help them recall information much faster and with more accuracy.

Quizzing is another one of the effective learning strategies for teens I loved hearing about during this interview! Quizzing means testing your teen on the material they are learning. This is already a popular technique, so it’s good to know that it’s actually helpful. In fact, Ulrich says it’s one of the most effective techniques you can use! Even better, says Ulrich, is having teens repeat ideas to themselves without notes. If you can recall the information at hand without any reference, you will be more successful in remembering it for the long term.

Practicing new learning strategies doesn’t mean your teen isn’t smart already. Instead, it shows that they are dedicated to learning and adapting, even when things are challenging. Albert Einstein, one of the most brilliant men in history, struggled with basic tasks like tying his shoes and telling time. He had to learn certain strategies to adapt, and it was likely the development of those strategies that helped him become the brilliant innovator we all know. By researching and understanding learning strategies for teens, our kids can be just as brilliant as Einstein!

When it comes to learning strategies for teens, it’s good for them to distribute their learning over long periods of time, as Ulrich notes. As we’ve been told over and over, cramming for tests doesn’t work. If they try to learn everything in one night, their brains will simply not retain the information very well. Instead, by spreading out their studying over long periods of time, they can give their learning a boost.

Speaking of long term planning, Ulrich and I discuss how planning and goal setting can be helpful learning strategies for teens. This is especially true for teenagers in the modern day who have to juggle more than just school. Most teens are also involved in sports, extracurriculars, college applications, social media, complicated social circles, or a million other things. Ulrich speaks on the idea that if they’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, teens simply don’t learn as well. By planning and setting specific deadlines for themselves, they can help section out their responsibilities so we’re not exhausted.

Along with sharing strategies for success, Ulrich also debunks common learning strategies that don’t work as well as we think they do. For example, Ulrich mentions research on reading has shown that highlighting certain phrases doesn’t help our brains retain information. The widely-accepted theory of learning styles (visual, written, or auditory), is also not scientifically accurate. These are very common misconceptions, and it’s important to learn that they are not effective learning strategies for teens. Instead, focus on quizzing, physical learning, and other scientifically-backed methods Ulrich shares in our conversation.

Ulrich says that our behaviors as parents have a significant influence on our teen’s behaviors through a psychological process called “modeling.” Modeling means, if we exhibit good learning strategies, our teens will do the same. For example, research shows that parents who are math anxious--meaning doing math makes them uncomfortable to the point where they avoid it--are likely to pass the same tendency onto their children.

Additionally, Ulrich encourages parents to share their own experience of struggling with learning to help kids contextualize and understand their own difficulties. If you can talk to them about what you’ve been through, they won’t feel so embarrassed or discouraged about their own struggles. Maybe you’ve always found writing essays particularly hard, but because it was difficult for you, you adapted and learned new strategies. By sharing this breakthrough with your teenager, you might help them adapt for their own situation.

Also in this episode, we discuss:

Other methods of learning that are surprisingly effective, such as using analogies and talking to yourself
Why it’s positive to “think about thinking”
How to ensure that our teenagers will do the right thing, even when no one is watching
What my brother has learned about education from running a tutoring company How receiving or providing tutoring can help your children
How to gain back the trust of a teenager once it’s been broken
How technology plays a role in learning

These ideas about learning and other learning strategies for teens are discussed in today’s episode. Ulrich is not only a great author, but a great speaker, conversational...

Ep 39: Getting Kids to Listen to You Mar 17, 2019

Chris Smith, bestselling author of The Conversion Code, reveals a step-by-step formula for how to get kids to listen to you and follow your rules. Learn how to deal with teenagers and use Pattern Interrupt statements. Getting kids to listen to you is easy when you know this.

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Full show notes

Do you ever have trouble getting kids to listen to you and do what you ask? You’re not alone. Getting kids to listen is the most common problems parents have when they find this website.

The problem is that teenagers stop listening to you because they want a good reason to do something besides “I’m your parent.” According to neuroscience, they want to know how doing their chores or studying hard can benefit them. The “I’m counting to three” method of parenting becomes completely useless unless you back it up with some extremely heavy consequences. But that just backfires and creates resentment from your teen.

That’s why this week’s episode of the podcast is all about getting kids to listen to you and follow through with action. The secret to dealing with teenagers who don’t respect your authority?

Sell them on you want them to do

To discover the secret to getting kids to listen, I spoke with Chris Smith and worked through a step-by-step plan that will teach you all about getting kids to listen. Chris is the bestselling author of The Conversion Code, and the Co-Founder of Curaytor, which is one of the fastest-growing companies in America. He’s an expert at selling products over the phone and he’s trained thousands of salespeople around the world how to adopt his pitch.

In this episode, we go through an in-depth, step-by-step example of how to deal with teenagers who don’t want to clean their room. After tuning in, you’ll be able to use some of Chris’ actual word-for-word dialogue he’s used with his own daughter to taker her responsibilities seriously. But to use his method correctly, you’ll need to know how it works. According to Chris, getting kids to listen breaks down into a four-step strategy:

Starting with a “Pattern Interrupt” Statement
Finding Something Your Child Wants
Using the “Five Yes” Technique
Following up with a “Feature-Benefit Tie-Down”

You can apply these principles of getting kids to listen to any behavior you want your teen to start doing. According to Chris, the idea isn’t so much a script as it is a framework for productive conversations. You don’t want to command your teen, but rather get them to understand and eventually act from your perspective. While you’ll have to tune in to the whole podcast to hear the extent of Chris’ strategy, here’s just a peek into how it works:

Establishing Authority

The first step of getting kids to listen is a bit sneaky. It’s a sales technique that Chris calls the Pattern Interrupt statement, which involves establishing authority early on in the conversation through small, innocuous commands. For example, you can start a conversation by saying, “I want to talk to you about something. Bring your phone with you to take some notes.” The small command of “bring your phone” puts your child’s mind on track to be more receptive to directives.

The key to getting kids to listen by using Pattern Interruption is subtlety. You want to give your teen a small order to follow so it doesn’t seem burdensome, but you’re still opening your teen up to be more agreeable. Given a minor objective, like “Turn off the lights in your room before coming downstairs” or “Can you pull up your calendar,” your teen is prepped to collaborate without even knowing it.

Chris also recommends starting with a Pattern Interrupt statement because it demonstrates that you are the authority in the conversation. You want to be able to set the tone of the conversation early on, and giving your teenager something to do is an innocuous way of getting kids to listen and letting them know that there’s more to come.

Digging Deep to Find Incentives

Getting kids to listen is important if you want them to adopt your goals while also pursuing their own accomplishments. To do this, parents need to use a technique called Digging Deep. Digging deep means investigating the details of what your teen wants to do and using their reasoning to support your own goals. The idea is that if you’re going to help someone get what they want, you have to know what it is. To do this, Chris says you need to identify what your child cares most about so you can leverage their desire to meet your goals as a parent.

Aside from getting kids to listen to you, your goal is to turn your kids into responsible adults who want their own rooms to be clean instead of reminding them to do their chores all the time. So, if you can dig deep and find reasons to take out the trash that benefit your teen, you can sell them on this idea of personal responsibility.

Let’s say your teen wants to go to the movies but you want them to clean their room. How do you align the two goals? First, you need information about the event that you can use to build a link. Chris says that most parents stop investigating after asking their kids, “What are you going to do this weekend?” But when you stop asking questions, you’re losing out on valuable information that can help you better understand what your teen wants.

Are they going out with friends? Why does your teenager want to hang out with this group? When you dig deep and ask questions like “when, where, why, and who,” you might find that your child wants to fit in more at school and have something to talk about with their friends next week. They want the social experience of feeling accepted.

Once you have a better understanding of the situation, you can tell your child that after the movies, their friends won’t want to come over if their room is dirty and gross. Now they see that having a clean room benefits them in the long run. By digging deep and pairing your child’s desires with responsible practices, you’re preparing your child for adulthood. Because without realizing it, they’re building in good habits that they might thank you for later on down the road.

The Five Yesses

Once you’ve listened to your teen and dug deep to figure out your child’s incentives, it’s time to use the Five Yesses Strategy. This works by putting the information you’ve gathered into a list along with some of your own objectives, like taking out the trash or washing the car. Then, you repeat the list of your shared goals back to your teen with affirmative statements. Here’s what that exchange might look like:

Parent: You want to go to the movies, right?

Teen: Yes.

Parent: And it’s for this PG-13 movie?

Teen: Yeah.

Parent: Got it. And you want your three friends to go with you?

Teen: Yup!

Parent: And you want to go this weekend, right?

Teen: Yes.

Parent: So, you know that means you have to vacuum the living room before Friday in order to go, right?

Teen: YES!

Parent: Okay, that sounds like a plan.

The genius behind the Five Yesses technique is that you’re building a compromise into the conversation without it feeling like a back-and-forth debate. In the sales cycle, this tactic is used all the time. You sel...

Ep 38: Giving Advice to Teenagers Feb 17, 2019

Annie Fox, an online adviser to thousands of teens and the author of 12 books including "Teaching Kids to be Good People", reveals the best ways to give teens advice when they need some guidance. Learn how to give teens advice they will actually listen to with these great tips from a true master.

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Why Your Teen Doesn’t Talk to You

Watching your kid become a teenager can be a very awkward and strange experience––their hormones have kicked in, they’ve grown a foot out of nowhere, they’re suddenly so moody. Their social groups are shifting and they’re spending less time with the family. And whether they want to talk to you about it or not, you probably notice their increased interest in boys, girls, or both. What would make this experience slightly less awkward is if they’d just talk to you about all the changes they are going through. But getting them to actually do this can be like pulling teeth.

Regardless of whether your kid is going through good or bad times, as a parent you always want your advice for youngsters to be helpful and effective. But how will you get the chance to do this? For starters, teenagers don't ask for advice all that often. On one hand because it’s natural for teens to want to forge their own path and find solutions of their own. But on the other hand, you might just be driving them away. Though this is hard to admit, it’s extremely common with parents of teenagers. Maybe they don’t want advice from you because when they ask, you talk way too much. Or your advice isn’t age appropriate. Or because of the time when they asked “Should I break up with my girlfriend?” and you said “No” because of the amazing Christmas gift their girlfriend gave you last year.

Parents need to make the most of these rare occurrences to offer advice for youngsters. If you’re wondering what to say when they finally ask for help, and how to get them to ask more often, you’re listening to the right podcast. On this week’s episode, I got some advice for youngsters from Annie Fox. She's the author of 12 books including Teaching Kids to Be Good People, The Girl's Q&A Book on Friendship, and the Middle School Confidentialseries. Annie has maintained an anonymous advice column for teenagers since the late 90’s where she’s answered thousands and thousands of online questions from teens all over the world. Needless to say, Annie’s a pro on giving advice for youngsters and has uncovered some amazing tactics that we discuss in this interview.

Being the Cool Mom

We start the podcast by talking about how Annie first began sharing advice for youngsters online. She tells the amazing story of how a dream she had brought her the idea to create one of the first online forums for teens. Annie was always the cool mom that her kid’s friends would go to with their problems. They felt comfortable around her––and from this interview you can see why. Annie is gifted at actively listening to people and making them feel understood. So when an opportunity presented itself to create a website where teens could anonymously ask questions and she could provide advice for youngsters, Annie had the foresight to see that this could turn into something big.

The initial website that Annie developed, which was originally called The Insite, was a series of chat rooms where teens could talk to counselors who specialized in teen issues. Annie also served as an advice columnist of sorts; she had an alter ego named Terra that teens could send anonymous questions to. Though there was no marketing for the website prior to it’s launch, Annie was getting numerous questions sent to her everyday from the start. The website, now called Hey Terra!, still offers advice for youngsters today with the same mission as it had in the beginning: to help youth effectively manage their relationships and emotions so they can feel confident in who they are.

Listen More, Talk Less

Possibly the most shocking thing about Annie and her approach to advice for youngsters is this: she doesn't tell the teens what to do in her responses. This might be confusing to you as a parent because isn’t telling your teen what to do the whole point of giving advice? Not exactly. Most of the time, teens already know what the right thing to do deep down. They aren't looking for a lecture, just someone to listen to them and help them work out the best way to do what their heart is telling them.

When providing advice for youngsters, your ultimate goal should be to teach your teens how to manage their own emotions. To do this, Annie encourages parents to put themselves into the mindstate of their teen. Really focus on empathizing with them in the specific situation that’s causing them pain. As an adult, it’s easy to dismiss teen drama and think that whatever they’re going through this week will be forgotten the next. While this may be true, the overflow of emotions that make up a teenagers brain chemistry is what’s actually causing them to react so dramatically. For as long as you’ll have teenage kids, teen brains will always work like this. So if you really want to know the right advice for youngsters, you first need to acknowledge that what’s important is not the problem your teen is having but the way the problem makes them feel.

After listening to how your teen expresses a problem to you, Annie suggests saying things like “sounds like you’re really upset” or “that must be very frustrating for you.” This is an effective first step to providing advice for youngsters because you are acknowledging their feelings off the bat. Often when you give your opinion on a teen’s situation right away, you neglect to see that what your teen actually wants is validation. In more cases that not, Annie finds that teens looking for advice already have a solution, they just want someone to confirm that it’s the right one.

Throughout the interview, Annie always comes back to the idea that parents should listen more and talk less. As a parent, you should be guiding your teen towards making the right choice, not choosing for them. Annie elaborates on how your role in offering advice for youngsters is to provide reinforcement for what they already know. To hear more about how you can offer suggestions to your teen without overstepping, tune into the episode.

Pay Attention!

Annie reminds parents that though you may struggle to get your teen’s attention, teens might feel the same way about you sometimes. Your teen can tell when you’re distracted and aren’t fully listening to them. Maybe there’s a hectic situation going on at the office and you’re still in work mode. Maybe you’re really mad at your spouse but don’t want your kid to know about it. Annie reminds you to try your hardest to not let these distractions prevent you from opportunities to connect with your teens. Focus on eye contact and let them know that feedback is a two way street—you’re always open to advice from them on how you can be a ...

Ep 37: Teach Lessons Using Stories Jan 24, 2019

Paul Smith is the author of three books: Parenting with a Story, Lead with a Story, and Sell with a Story. On this episode, he reveals how to tell teens stories that teach them important lessons about life. He also shares a few of his favorite parenting stories that you can steal and tell to your own kids.

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Not Another Boring Story...

“Let me tell you how I learned the value of a dollar.” Does this sound like the beginning of a riveting story? No! It sounds like a long, boring charade that your grandfather will go on about for 45 minutes while you pretend to listen. Hopefully you won’t have to remember specific details later because there’s no way you took anything away from this one-sided conversation. Why don’t people realize that their tedious recollections are not an effective way of teaching teens lessons using stories?

Have you considered that your kid might feel this way every time you try teaching teens lessons using stories? Surely this isn’t the case, right? At least some stories from your youth you’ve told to your teen have left an impression on them. They have to know that you lived a full life before they were born and that there’s plenty of wisdom for you to pass on to them. But to be frank, it’s probably only the crazy stories — like the time you drove your mom’s station wagon through your neighbor’s yard — that they actually remember.

Teaching teens lessons using stories can help them learn how to deal with the struggles that come with growing up — should they choose to listen. That being said, what’s the best way to tell stories that’ll have a lasting impression on them and not just be ignored? In this interview, we ask one of Ink Magazine’s “Top 100 Leadership Speakers of 2018.”

Paul Smith is the author of three books on storytelling, Lead with a Story, Parenting with a Story, and most recently, Sell with a Story. He has interviewed hundreds of successful people all over the world and collected the most impactful stories from their lives. In this episode, Smith discusses how teaching teens lessons using stories can be achieved by sharing your experiences, as well as those passed on from friends and family, in a way that is impactful and interesting to your teen.

Crafting the Perfect Story

Before becoming an author, Smith spent much of his time listening to renowned leaders tell stories about how to inspire, motivate, or instruct others in the workplace. He closely studied the methods discussed in these stories, finding out what did and didn’t work. Smith then set out to write a book about how these stories can be used to teach leadership in the workplace. However, after interviewing hundreds of successful people all over the world, he realized that many of the findings he collected could also be used for teaching teens lessons using stories. That inspired him to write his second publication, Parenting with a Story.

As a parent you might be racking your brain for stories that will be applicable to your teens life. Sure you’ve had a few wild experiences (and some you don’t ever want your kid to know) but for the most part, you might have a hard time teaching teens lessons using stories because you can’t seem to find any stories that will be interesting and relatable to them. Smith acknowledges that because their upbringing is a generation removed from their teen, many parents worry that their stories will come off as mundane or out of touch.

Smith insists that teaching teens lessons using stories is all about drawing the right types of stories out of people. He found that oftentimes people don’t think of experiences they’ve had in their life as stories unless their brain connects it with a specific value or lesson they learned. Smith realized that he was able to find better stories when he asked people to tell him something interesting or surprising that’s happened to them. Smith recommends that parents think about how surprising things you’ve experienced ended up impacting your life in a bigger way than expected. For example, maybe when you met your spouse you initially thought they were pretentious and obnoxious. But somehow you came around to liking and eventually marrying them. Funny stories like this will make your kid laugh and can also teach them how first impressions aren’t always accurate.

In this interview, Smith offers many other tips for teaching teens lessons using stories including how to structure your story in an intriguing way. He states that not all stories should be told chronologically because sometimes the most interesting part happens in the very beginning. Human brains are wired to remember things better when there's a surprise or twist at the end. Think about it, wouldn’t you enjoy a story more if you didn’t know what would happen next?

Smith shares an anecdote he often uses for teaching teens lessons using stories. It’s about a young boy who, much to his mother’s frustration, spends all his time in the kitchen watching his kettle boil water and release steam. It’s not until the end of this story that he reveals it’s actually about James Watt, the man who would go on to invent the steam engine. Smith points out that what makes this story memorable is that he didn’t initially tell you who this story was about — the twist ending is what really sticks with you. Of course you might not have a remarkable story like this, but that doesn’t mean you can’t craft one of your own experiences into something just as intriguing. The key is to find the most surprising part, like how you won $1,000 on a gameshow you went on in High School, and save it for the end to really pack a punch.

Drawing their Own Conclusions

Effectively teaching teens lessons using stories, you have to let the teenager discover the answer for themself. Once you’ve hooked them in with a cleverly crafted story, ask them what their takeaways were. You may be hoping it’s something specific like, “parents always know best” or “treat people the way you want to be treated,” but Smith insists that you need let them come to their own conclusion. Teen’s have a high need for autonomy and when their parents tell them what to take away from the story, they often feel compelled to do the exact opposite.

A common misconception of teaching teens lessons using stories is that it’s about giving advice to your teens. But the truth is, they don't really want your advice. Teenagers often feel misunderstood, and as a parent, you’re only making matters worse if you use storytelling as an opportunity to force your beliefs onto them.

What teens actually want is for you to listen to them and value their opinion. By using Smith’s tips on crafting a good story, you can present them with an interesting, applicable, and concise tale that paves the way for them to open up to you. When you are done telling the story, let them do the talking. Only if your teen comes away with the exact w...

Ep 36: Sex and Pornography Talks Jan 01, 2019

Dina Alexander, the president of Educate Empower Kids and the author of numerous parenting books, explains how to talk to teenagers about porn and sex, including how to start conversations, what to do if you find porn on your family computer, and what topics to cover with every teen.

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Full show notes

It might be every parent’s worst nightmare.

You finally get some down time, and you want to resume watching the highlights to last night’s game, or your favorite sitcom rerun. You pull up the web browser on the shared, family iPad, and you see it. Right there in the search history. Unmistakable.

“Naked ladies”

The time has come, and there’s no way around it. You must now have “The Talk” with your kid. Tell all your friends to wish you luck.

Talking to teens about sex is one of the most common reasons parents come to us looking for help. But why is this conversation so awkward? Sex is supposed to be a positive thing! You should be free to talk about it with your kid, but the fears are common and understandable.

“What if I put an idea in their head and they begin experimenting on their own?”

“What if they ask questions about my sex life I don’t want to answer?”

“What if talking about it makes them too curious, and gets them in trouble?”

These are valid and important questions, and you are not alone if you are asking them. So to help get some quality answers and learn some best practices when talking to teens about sex, I spoke with the amazing, Dina Alexander.

Dina is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids (EEK), and she has been teaching in various capacities for over 20 years. She created programs like How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and 30 Days of Sex Talks to help parents have positive, informed conversations about sex and pornography with their kids.

The Dangers of Silence

Dina founded EEK after reading an article about teenage porn consumption. The numbers in the article seemed too overwhelming to be true. But sure enough, when she did her own research to verify what she saw, she came to the following realization:

“There is going to be no one left for my daughter to date who won’t have been highly influenced by, or addicted to, porn.”

The scope of the sex industry is hard to fathom, but the dangers it produces for teenagers cannot be ignored. Porn does not teach a positive view of sex. Dina says that parents will have their own beliefs about defining positive sex. However you define positive sex, though, it’s unlikely that porn is accurately representing your beliefs.

Porn teaches a dominant and submissive understanding of sex. As Dina puts it, porn shows teens extreme and unrealistic displays of sexual gymnastics. The problem is that teens don’t understand that what they’re seeing is unrealistic! They are not watching an intimate relationship when they watch porn!

Talking to teens about sex is even scarier when you consider how sensitive a developing teenage brain is to visual imagery. During the teen years, the rapid growth of neural pathways latch on to visual media like TV shows, movies, and pornographic images. Heavy porn consumption normalizes the neural pathways that says “porn is how sex happens.” And the risk of your teen falling into heavy porn consumption without guidance is sadly high.

Dina says that Pornhub’s statistics on total time spent watching porn on their site last year added up to about 500 CENTURIES!!!

This is why talking to teens about sex is something Dina is so fired up to teach to parents. Let’s hear what she has to say:

More Than Just One Talk

First off, Dina says that the idea of “The Talk” just doesn’t work. It’s unfair to assume that you can have one conversation with your kids and they will suddenly understand all your values behind sex. Instead, Dina wants parents to realize that talking to teens about sex means regularly taking the time to normalize the topic of sex in your conversations.

Dina’s programs suggest 30 days of talking to teens about sex in short segments. Depending on your values around sex and the context between you and your teen, you can go through these chats in any order. The idea is to normalize conversation about sex with your teen. If your teen can’t come to you with their questions about sex, then where else would they go for answers other than the phone in their pocket?

Sure, they’ll have a class about it at school, and maybe your church will hold a “purity retreat,” but teens will always have more questions. Dina believes that the home should be the safest place for their questions. If parents aren’t talking to teens about sex, then it’s fair to assume that teens are getting their questions answered elsewhere.

It’s About A Relationship

Odds are, your teenager is going to be exposed to pornography. Talking to teens about sex before this exposure gives you a chance to establish what healthy sex looks like. Having these talks can be scary, but Dina assures that there are a lot of preliminary talks you can have to set up the tougher topics.

In most cases, the first conversation you have with your kid is not going to be about porn. It might not even be about sex! Depending on what your values as parents are, the first conversation you have might be, “How do you know who the right person is?” Or, “What does a healthy relationship look like?”

Dina is quick to point out that talking to teens about sex is not all about the organs. You’ll get to that, but there are a lot of rules and boundaries you can discuss beforehand. Teens will learn all about STDs and unwanted pregnancies in sex-ed at school. At home, you can frame sex as a positive, healthy subject to talk about.

Dina says that nothing gets a teenager’s attention more than their parents being brave and talking about their mistakes. By showing vulnerability as you talk, you can have a lasting positive impact on your relationship. Sharing your past mistakes while talking to teens about sex gets the teens to think about what mistakes they might be making.

Vulnerability opens the door for your teens to ask you more questions. These might be tough questions, but you want your teen to trust you with their tough questions!

Teens and Their Questions

When your teen feels like they can talk more openly about sex with you, they might ask you a “test” question to see what kind of response you will give. For example, you might be asked:

“Hey, what if someone sends me a nude picture?”

Depending on your answer to that question, they might then feel safe to ask their real question:

“Hey, how do I get someone to delete a nude picture of me?”

You won’t always know when a question is a “test” question. This is why Dina encourages parents to always respond kindly with a follow-up question, and listen twice as much as they speak.

...

Ep 35: Parenting Like a Badass Dec 15, 2018

Biz Ellis, the host of the "One Bad Mother", reveals how she found her inner badass as a parent and learned how to be cool again through her kids' eyes. She also points out a number of ways in which you are probably already doing a great job and should give yourself a pat on the back.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

The “Uncool” Parent

Teens are really good at letting parents know how completely and utterly uncool we are at every chance they get. And if that’s not enough, the media does a great job at exaggerating our uncoolness. Pretty much all the characters we see in movies and TV, like Phil Dunphy on Modern Family and Amy Polar in Mean Girls, are stereotyped as out of touch with their teenagers and clueless about popular culture and modern technology. While these stereotypes are largely exaggerated, it’s not a stretch to say that most parents wouldn’t put coolness at the top of their skills list.

As a parent it can be easy to feel beat down and exhausted when your teen scoffs at every out of date reference you make. But what your teen doesn’t realize is that unlike them, parents simply don’t have time to keep up with the latest trends. You’re the one picking them up and driving them from place to place, preparing their meals, keeping the house clean, making sure they stay on top of their homework — all while trying to have some sense of what’s going on in their social life. It can be near impossible to simultaneously figure out the ever-changing world of technology and listen to the music they think is cool. The list of requirements for maintaining coolness and mastering the art of parenting like a badass is something you don’t seem to have time for — there’s already an endless to-do list many parents have barely scratched the surface of.

Maybe you’ve accepted that your teen is never going to think you’re cool. In the grand scheme of things, you know “coolness” is not so important, yet you’re sick of hearing, “You don’t know who [insert popular singer/actor here] is?” It’s like you and your teen speak a different language and unfortunately, they don’t sellteen-to-parenttranslators on Amazon yet.

Somewhere in the process of raising kids, many parents have lost touch with their inner badass. Any speck of “badassery” you once had has been sacrificed for the sake of being a responsible parent. So how do you go about parenting like a badass and regaining the dignity you once had prior to having kids?

This week’s podcast guest, Biz Ellis, has the answer. She is the co-host of popular podcast One Bad Mother and author of the book, You’re Doing a Great Job- 100 Ways You’re Winning at Parenting. Biz experienced a "parent identity crisis" when she realized that after becoming a mother, she no longer felt cool. After a process of self-discovery and finding inspiration in a t-shirt her husband made that said "One Bad Mother," she found her inner parenting badass. In this episode Biz tells her story and reveals insights into parenting like a badass, a skill she has mastered by hosting over 200 episodes of one of the most popular parenting podcasts on the planet

Finding Your Inner Badass

Before having kids, Biz thought she had it all — she lived in Brooklyn, did sketch comedy, and went to clubs every weekend. She thought of herself as being pretty cool — until she went on maternity leave for her first child. Then, when people would ask what she did for a living, Biz would feel ashamed to say she was a stay-at-home mom. She felt that many of the labels or identities given to mothers––like Soccer Mom—were inherently uncool. She realized that maintaining the same coolness she once had was a lot less effortless than expected. Transitioning into parenting like a badass was going to take soul searching.

Though Biz longed for the coolness she felt prior to motherhood, she soon realized that wanting to return to your “old self” is a toxic idea. It’s unrealistic to expect things like your pre-kid social life and pre-kid body to remain the same once you’ve had children. But instead of denying this and yearning for a time that you’ll never get back, Biz suggests focusing on all you’ve gained from becoming a parent. Everything you’ve sacrificed has paved the way for you to become a better, tougher, and wiser person with a beautiful child to show for it. For Biz, forgetting the past and moving forward was the first step to parenting like a badass.

Biz reveals that the next hurdle to parenting like a badass is feeling like life is constantly passing you by. One day you’re teaching your baby to walk and before you know it, that baby is a teenager embarking on their first day of high school. As lame as it may be to your teens, it’s hard to keep composure when you think about the days when they needed your help to cross the street or tie their shoes. Now that they’ve grown up and become more independent they need you less and less—which is quite honestly the most devastating yet rewarding part of parenthood.

Biz understands that parenting like a badass is easier said than done. It’s hard to be the cool, laissez-faire parent your teen wants you to be when you’ve gotten so used to making decisions for them. Your teen craves independence and may take any parental attempt to correct their behavior as you babying them. In this episode, Biz discusses how to face conflicting feelings that moments like these bring about with understanding rather than avoidance.

That Damn To-Do List!

Badassness is usually marked by not playing by the rules. One rule Biz thinks parents should avoid is living life by your to-do list. While these lists can be helpful at times, it’s important to question whether they’re preventing you from parenting like a badass. Are they helping you accomplish things or are they making you focus too much on what you aren’t accomplishing? Biz firmly believes that parents need to give themselves a break. She says that as a parent, you’re often overly fixated on the things you’re doing wrong and fail to notice all the ways you’re Winning at Parenting.

Rather than feeling bad for not finishing everything on your to-do list, celebrate what you have accomplished. Biz reminds parents that though most of the things you achieve in a day aren’t list-worthy, they’re still worth praising. You’re such a master at parenting like a badass that you didn’t even need help remembering them! Biz reminds parents that small, but important, accomplishments like finishing three loads of laundry or getting both your kids to and from practice are what make you a badass.

“It’s Just Cake” Mentality

Biz recognizes that pressures to be like other parents can prevent you from parenting like a badass. For example, you may think that because another parent shows up for an event dressed to the nines or goes all out for their kids birthday party, they are judging you for not doing the same. Biz provides the example of a parent who makes a beautiful, delicious cake to bring to a PTA banquet. Maybe all you brou...

Ep 34: Drug and Alcohol Conversations Dec 01, 2018

Robert J. Meyers, the author of "Getting Your Loved One Sober", explores strategies that parents can use to get teenagers to stop using drugs and alcohol. Instead of blaming and shaming teenagers, Meyers' research-based approach involves loving and accepting your teen.

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When our teenagers develop bad habits, it can feel like they’re slipping out of our control. You might worry about your teen getting into trouble, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and doing something or don’t approve of. All of a sudden, you’re hearing them come home late at night, having no idea where they went or who they were with.

It seems as though even if we beg, scream, and plead, kids won’t let up on potentially dangerous behavior. Repeatedly, we punish them, try strategies to prevent underage drinking, give ultimatums, and say that we don’t like what they’re doing—but none of it seems to work. It’s easy to get frustrated and confused when your child just won’t listen, won’t change, won’t accept help.

That’s why we need a new method of addressing our teenager’s upsetting habits. Luckily, today’s episode is jam packed with information about better ways to talk to your teenager and strategies to prevent underage drinking. Today’s guest is Dr. Robert J. Meyers, author of Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. His book shines light on effective techniques to help your loved ones develop healthy habits that go beyond simple scolding.

Dr. Meyers has been working since 1976 on developing a set of principles known as CRAFT- Community Reinforcement Approach Family Therapy. CRAFT coaches individuals how to help their spouses, children, or friends who struggle with addiction accept treatment and make lasting progress.

However, his ideas have applications far beyond helping those with serious addiction problems and it is so relevant for parents of teenagers, especially those looking for strategies to prevent underage drinking.

CRAFT’s central components of positivity and encouragement and its practical methods for creating healthier individuals can help parents and teens everywhere. As CRAFT is a community-and-family-based approach, Dr. Meyers focuses on how a family member can help a troubled teenager in this insightful interview.

It Starts With You, A Parent

When it comes to strategies to prevent underage drinking, Dr. Meyers says it’s critical that parents don’t blame themselves for their child’s choices. Harboring negative thoughts about yourself as a parent or failing to come to terms with the situation are not good strategies to prevent underage drinking. In CRAFT, easing this pain and sadness is the first part of guiding a teenager to recovery. In this way, a parent who is struggling should heal themselves first so they have an easier time helping their teenager heal. It’s like what they say before flights, “In the event that we lose cabin pressure, put on your own oxygen mask before you help your children.”

That’s why Dr. Meyers underscores the importance of focusing on your own happiness first! You don’t have to feel guilty about this, because it actually helps your child. By bringing more joy into your own life, you can help your teenager be more positive as well. CRAFT is all about positivity. It aims to escape the constant cycle of nagging, arguing, yelling and punishing that we sometimes fall into when we’re trying strategies to prevent underage drinking

Seeking Alternatives

According to Dr. Meyers, one of the first steps is to help your teenager become less dependent on substances or other addictive things is to figure out the root of the problem. He suggests starting by mapping out your child’s concerning practices, and finding the source of their troubling behavior. That’s why CRAFT focuses largely on mental health. If we can help teenagers live happier lifestyles, we can stop them from engaging in risky antics and find strategies to prevent underage drinking.

Surprisingly, for a lot of American teenagers, a common cause of substance abuse or risky behavioral tendencies is more commonplace than you might imagine:

Boredom

In order to find strategies to prevent underage drinking, Meyers urges parents to find alternatives to their teen’s risky behaviors. The idea is to put negative emotions to rest by helping teens finding something other than substances to make them feel good. This includes anything besides drugs, alcohol, or whatever other dangerous behavior they’ve been indulging in. It could be painting, playing outdoors, or gaming with friends, as long as it is something they can naturally enjoy in moderation.

Meyers says we can start by doing research, finding a list of activities and things to do locally. Write them down, and go over them with your child. Then, help your teenager acquire the means to do that activity, whether it’s getting them the funds or the transportation.

If we can help them get invested in activities aside from drugs and find new passions, we can help them get on the track to sobriety or even start them on a career path. If they like computer games, encourage them to learn more about how those games are made. Perhaps their love for playing games can turn into a passion for computer programming! Finding a passion to pursue or a new “healthy obsession” are strategies to prevent underage drinking that you might use at home. As Dr. Meyers says, no one gives up drinking for nothing. As a parent, your encouragement of their passion can help your child visualize a bright future that’s theirs for the taking.

CRAFT Can Work to Prevent Relapse

Sometimes our teenagers can show progress, only to return to their problematic ways. Dr. Meyers reminds us in the episode that the most common cause of relapse is negative emotional state. Therefore, if we can help our teenagers find these activities that make them permanently happy, we’ll help them form a lasting resistance to dangerous habits.

By practicing this CRAFT technique and more, we can help even the most at-risk teenager improve and work towards progress. Although helping your teenager heal might feel like an impossible journey, don’t give up! There are so many strategies to prevent underage drinking besides harsh words and punishments.

Overall, it’s showing you care that matters most. If your loved one feels that you care for them, they’ll have a reason to want to get better. If you take the time to understand the reasons behind their behavior and make an effort to communicate and reach out, you’ll form a real connection. This is much more effective than yelling or bickering, which only leads to further distrust between the two of you. As Dr. Meyer’s says, one of you has to change first. As a parent, you’re likely going to be the one taking the initial step.

In the episode, we cover:

The origins of CRAFT
The concept of sobriety sampling for drug users
The stigma in American culture that makes recovery difficult
Specific ways to talk to your child to ease tension
The dangers of getting the wrong kind of treatment
Even more strategies to prevent underage drinking!

Dr. Meyers is here to provide the answers you seek. He’s been researching this topic for over 40 years and has worked with families all over the world. With all of this knowledge under his belt, he is sure to be able to help you with your str...

Ep 33: Does Your Teen Bully You? Nov 15, 2018

Sean Grover, author of "When Kids Call the Shots", discusses the hidden psychology that leads teenagers to bully their parents and reals simple strategies you can use to regain control from your teenager if you find yourself getting bullied. Sean has identified three main reasons parents get bullied.

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Teen Guilt Trips

Ever completely forgotten something that you promised your teen you’d be there for? Maybe you were so busy at work that your kid’s soccer game totally slipped your mind. When you finally get a call from your kid, or realize out of the blue that, “Wait a minute, I’m supposed to be somewhere else right now!” you’ve already missed the whole thing entirely and feel awful. You’ve taught your kid to be accountable and to always follow through when they say they’re going to do something, yet how can you expect this from them if you can’t even do it yourself?

It’s possible that your teen will be forgiving and say that it’s not a big deal—but probably not. If you’re dealing with a dramatic, hormonal teenager there’ll probably be some level of guilt and frustration placed on you. Aren’t teenagers supposed to be the irresponsible ones, not adults? Aren’t you always supposed to be there for them no matter what? In the moment, you might be willing to do anything to make it up to your teen—giving them a boost in their allowance, letting them have a later curfew, buying them a new phone. Sometimes bribery can be the easiest road to forgiveness. But maybe not the wisest.

Feeling overwhelmed by guilt can cause you to give up your control. Furthermore, allowing your teen to make you feel inferior because of a mistake you’ve made can enable your teen to bully you. If you’re looking for the best way to deal with bullies, this episode is for you.

This week on the podcast, we speak with Sean Grover to discuss the best way to deal with bullies who victimize their parents. He is the author of the award-winning book When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully and Enjoy Being a Parent Again. Sean holds workshops around the country and works privately with parents and teens to determine the best way to deal with bullies in whatever form they present themselves. He has mapped out the most common types of bullying that occur in families and has developed specific strategies for exactly how to get your teenager back under control.

Why your Teen is Bullying You

Sean states that to teens, bullying is not about being mean. Your teenager is bullying you in order to manipulate you and get what they want. He or she has realized that they can get things out of you by making you feel bad about yourself.

Sean recounts a teen he worked with who was torturing his mom because she missed his piano recital. When Sean suggested the boy let his mom off the hook, he replied, "If I keep this up, I think I can get a new laptop." Before accusing your teen of being malicious for actions like this, think of where this reaction is coming from. In order to find the best way to deal with bullies, you must first reflect on what you’ve done to promote or enable this kind of behavior.

Guilty, Anxious, and Do Everything Parent Types

In his book, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies and three types of parents who often fall victim to such behavior: the Guilty Parent, the Anxious Parent, and the Fix Everything Parent.

Problem:

Guilty Parents blame themselves for their teen’s problems and try to fix them themselves. Their own insecurities often lead them to compare themselves to other parents and try too hard to make their kids happy. This often stems from bad experiences they had in childhood, such as parents who were abusive or too hard on them. Children can pick up on what is specifically making them feel guilty and take advantage of that to get what they want. If the Guilty Parent sees giving rules to their teen as a type of punishment this can worsen their guilt.

Solution:

For this type of parent, the best way to deal with bullies is to first identify what made you feel this way in the first place. You may view yourself as inadequate and therefore don’t have the confidence to stand up to your kid out of fear that they won’t like you for it. Sean states that these types of parents need to realize that teens need boundaries and it’s in their best interest to give that to them.

Problem:

Anxious Parents always see opportunities for failure and want to prevent it at all costs. These parents often rob their kids of discovering new things because they fear the unknown. Teens in this situation may feel that their parent isn’t giving them any freedom and as a result reflects rebellious or angry behavior back.

Solution:

The best way to deal with bullies in this situation, Sean explains, is to create a culture of talking through things before they happen. You can’t prevent all bad things from happening to your teen so it’s best to make sure they’re prepared. Anxious Parents must have conversations with their teen, asking them what they’d do in specific situations and talking through it together in a calm manner. Engaging teens in problem solving activities can ease the lack of control that has caused them to bully.

Problem:

Sean explains a Do Everything Parent as someone who can’t stand to see their teen struggle. Who’s always ready to service their kid and solve everything for them. Sean states that the frustration that comes with problem solving is what truly evolves a teen into a more mature person. When Fix Everything Parents interrupt the problem solving process, they are stunting their teen’s maturity.

Solution:

Sean suggests that the best way to deal with bullies in this situation is to stop interrupting any chance for your teen to struggle with a problem. Instead, he suggests highlighting their unique approach to solving things in a way that you wouldn’t.

Types of Teen Bullies

In addition to parenting types, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies of different types. He specifically delves into the nature of defiant bullies, the type who want to prove that they’re right and you’re wrong. Sean points out that you’re not going to win with aggression. In this interview, he goes in depth about defiant bullying behavior that teens reflect towards their parents and how to counteract it. Sean also talks about the responsibility that parents have to recall what it was like for them as a teen in order to better relate and empathize with their children. He also offers up creative solutions and exercises you can use to identify teen aggression and how to positively channel rather than punish this behavior.

Types of Teen Bullies

Ep 32: Productivity for Teenagers Oct 01, 2018

David Allen, the author of "Getting Things Done", one of the best-selling business books of all time, explains how to get teens excited and motivated about their goals and productive as they pursue those goals. If you have a "lazy" teenager, you won't want to miss this one.

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If your child isn’t living up to their full potential because they waste too much time on distractions, just imagine how much harder life will be when they have to manage adult responsibilities! Teens today must content with YouTube, Facebook, and other social media platforms that constantly vie for their attention. Activities like sports practice, club meetings, school applications, study time, and more can really add up. Fortunately, though, having a busy schedule prevent you from dealing with lazy teenagers if your teens learn how to manage their schedules effectively.

Teens with an abundance of hobbies and responsibilities have more opportunities to explore their interests. However, it can be difficult to distinguish distractions from tasks that are worth pursuing. When teens get confused by this distinction, they may neglect their responsibilities and are often written off as being immature or lazy. And stress and distress for teenagers is on the rise, which can take away their motivation to complete even basic tasks.

Without the right approach to balancing their workload, kids become easily overwhelmed in their developmental years and leave their parents dealing with lazy teenagers. First, they start staying up late at night doing work and might skip a few homework assignments to get some sleep. But poor time-management practices can easily snowball into a reoccurring bad habit. Without a dependable initiative to reach their goals, your child could resort to shutting down. They might even lose their vocation.

To better understand dealing with lazy teenagers and boost their productivity, I spoke with David Allen, founder of the Getting Things Done (GTD) methodology and author of Getting Things Done for Teens: Take Control of Your Life in a Distracting World. Here, he’s teamed up with two terrific co-authors and a handful of graphic designers to make his powerful productivity method more accessible to lazy teens.

Imagine taking all the time-management skills you’ve learned through trials as an adult and apply it to a modern-day teenager’s perspective. That’s exactly what David has done here. HIs book has sold over a million copies, and its predecessor (geared towards adults) has sold 1.6 million copies, making him one of the most sought-after mentors for parents, teachers, and business owners.

In this interview, David runs me through the super simple five-step method developed in his book for dealing with lazy teenagers. It’s shockingly easy to follow for such a robust system!

To navigate the pressure of being overscheduled and overworked, David explains that dealing with lazy teenagers involves getting the stress (literally) out of the brain. Basically, it’s the practice of pushing information outside your brain so things don’t get so chaotic and overwhelming inside your brain. This allows teens to focus on what they’re doing without having to think too much about failing the test they’re studying for or being judged too harshly during their upcoming presentation. Here’s how it works:

The first step in the GTD method is to immediately capture any incoming ideas or actionable thoughts that catch your attention. It could be that you have to send an email to a teacher, or you just remembered that movie recommendation you were supposed to look into. The point is, you need to get the idea out of your head and write it down so you don’t have to think about it anymore. This way the thought won’t distract you while you’re working on your current task. This is great tactic for dealing with lazy teenagers.

By being present and making good moment to moment choices, teens can create time for the fun things they want to do. That’s why this first step is so valuable. Anyone can get bogged down without sufficient motivation to complete a task, but if your interests influence what you’re doing in the moment, you’re more likely to pursue the task with increased enthusiasm.

According to David, dealing with lazy teenagers isn’t about magically getting your teen excited to do something they hate. It’s about how to help them figure out what they really want to be doing. If teens are able to organize their workload into manageable pieces, they’ll be able to get things done expeditiously.

Let’s say your teen is interested in hosting a Halloween party. By using the first step of capturing ideas, they can create a list of things they need to do without dwelling on the pressure of a successful event. While completing their homework, they might jot down a quick reminder to pick up cups and streamers and then get back to the assignment at hand. When it’s time to address the Halloween party, they’ll be able to organize their ideas with more attention and detail.

I was so lucky to talk with David about his methodology because he succinctly demonstrates how to apply it when dealing with lazy teenagers who don’t even know their interests yet. He says you can start by observing what your teenager is already doing. You can prompt them with questions like “Do you enjoy what you’re doing now? How can do more of that? When would you like me to check to see if you’ve reached your goal?” These questions, along with David’s other techniques, can help shift the scale of confrontation so that your teen takes control of their actions.

David explains that by letting teens set the standard for what they want to achieve, they’ll be redirected to confront themselves about not meeting their goals. This helps parents dealing with lazy teenagers to affirm their child’s autonomy, letting them set the standard for what they want to achieve. This technique of redirection allows parents to motivate their teens without getting into a confrontation.

In fact, a lot of our conversation had to do with this topic of redirection. Redirecting passions into careers. Redirecting wasted time into our personalized vocation. Redirecting hard work into being engaged and taking on a role in the driver’s seat. These kinds of exchanges can even shift your parenting approach to dealing with lazy teenagers so that it’s conversational and engaging.

When people are gifted with a myriad of opportunities to explore, David’s five-step method is perfect for dealing with lazy teenagers. This is the time for your child to explore as many interests as possible so that your child can begin to invest in them. That’s what I find so encouraging about David’s approach: it’s inviting, and that can be especially useful during teenage years and early adulthood.

Both parents and teens can benefit from David’s work and he’ll tell you exactly how you can implement his method today! In our interview, we also cover topics like:

How to handle the stress of opportunity and manage the volume of possibilities
How the GTD frameworks goes beyond organization to give your teen purpose
Engaging teens and their distractions vs. confronting them
Balancing what you know with how to take on new interests
Helping your teen set some goals
How to reduce risky behavior and build autonomy

Talking with David was absolutely inspiring. His approach to getting things done provides an exciting and accessible framework for dealing with...

Ep 31: Eating Disorders and Exercise Sep 15, 2018

Dana Suchow, founder of Do The Hotpants, discusses what parents need to know to discuss eating disorders with a teenager. She also explains how to connect with teenagers about exercise in a positive way, words you should absolutely avoid when talking about food, and a lesson in where negative body image comes from.

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If no one takes care to combat eating disorders in teenagers, unhealthy dieting can lead to damaging long term health problems. In serious cases, malnutrition can lead to death.

Does your teen seem uncomfortable about what they eat? Does your teen struggle to keep weight on? Do you even know what your teenager thinks about his or her body? These can be unfamiliar and uncomfortable questions, but it’s so important to ask them.

The secretive nature of eating disorders in teenagers can make unhealthy dieting a deceptively difficult problem to identify and address.

To be clear, having a teenager who struggles with body image or food consumption does not mean you are a bad parent! Billions of advertisement dollars have gone into convincing all of us that our bodies are ugly. Advertising companies know we buy more stuff when we feel bad about ourselves, so they use billboards and TV ads to train us to hate our own bodies. In this way, eating disorders in teenagers are the natural product of emotional marketing. While these ads primarily target girls, boys are affected, too.

My special guest today believes that in just 10 to 20 years, advertising will put just as many boys at risk of developing eating disorders as girls. If this is true, then eating disorders in teenagers will soon be a more relevant issue for all parents, not just parents of girls. So what can parents do to combat a thriving industry that’s invested in teens hating their own bodies? I spoke with Dana Suchow to get an idea, and it turns out there is a lot that parents can do.

Dana is the founder of DoTheHotpants.com, a website that she initially started as a fashion blog. Eventually, she transformed the website into a platform for people to safely share their own stories about body image and eating disorders. Having struggled with an eating disorder herself, Dana has personal experience on the matter. She knows firsthand how important it is to have conversations about a healthy understanding of body image.

A Delicate Subject Matter

Eating disorders in teenagers can be an extremely sensitive subject to breach. They are very secretive and highly personal. Parents need to be very careful with how they approach this subject because even though you mean well, bringing it up in the wrong way can actually backfire.

Dana remembers a personal example of when a conversation about her eating disorder went poorly. Dana’s roommate in college noticed how she was struggling to eat food. Her roommate vocalized her concern for Dana, but Dana remembers getting instantly defensive. She felt like her roommate was talking down to her, even though her roommate was really trying to help.

Dana explains how people who struggle with eating disorders want so desperately to hide what’s going on. When a teen feels like their secret is being threatened, they can become fragile and defensive. Striking the right tone to navigate this conversation is tricky. What helps address eating disorders in teenagers most, Dana says, is that parents get on the same level as their teens.

Getting on the same level means empathizing, something Dana believes parents need to focus on. Empathic words like, “I get it,” and, “you’re not alone,” mean so much to teens who struggle with an eating disorder. If parents share they also feel down about their body from time to time, teens might be more inclined to open up about themselves. On the other hand, their defenses will stay up if they sense you are mad, or disappointed, or ashamed.

In order to understand eating disorders in teenagers, though, you’ll want to have a better awareness of the greater problem: uneducation.

“Uneducating,” or Questioning Negative Input

Currently, we live in a world that is so fixated on thinness and youth. You can probably imagine the “ideal” body in your head! It’s the body represented on 99% of movie posters: a thin, young, white woman who has no disabilities. She has no body hair, perfect makeup, and the list goes on and on.

We need to unlearn this!

When we don’t have representation of all the ways girls can exist, we start looking at girls through a narrow lens. Dana believes that advertisements teach us there’s only one, narrow type of girl can be loved, which is related to her body type. The negativity your teen has towards certain body types (even her own), isn’t coming from her voice alone. Part of that voice is modeled after what she sees and hears represented in popular culture. This prejudice has been ingrained by marketing tactics for so long that we might hate any body that doesn’t look like the singular, narrow norm.

However, you can’t shame women for trying to fit in. We live in a world that rewards people for fitting in, so instead of judging those who represent unrealistic norms, we should ask insightful questions about unlearning.

For example, Dana references the movie Wonder Woman, a great movie in many ways, that also provides parents an opportunity to talk about unlearning the “normal” appearance of Hollywood stars.

If you go watch Wonder Woman with your girls, you can ask them after the movie:

“When did all the Amazonian women get electrolysis to get rid of their body hair? When did they all find the time to shave?”

You want your child to learn that every woman deserves to fit in. This means questioning why not all women are represented in popular culture. Like with Wonder Woman, you can enjoy a movie and still question if it’s encouraging a culture that promotes eating disorders in teenagers.

This is only one of a dozen different topics I went through with Dana!

An Ongoing Conversation

When discussing eating disorders in teenagers, there are so many angles, rabbit holes, and doors that lead to the next. We certainly couldn’t touch on everyaspect of this discussion in one interview, but there is one thing Dana wants to make clear:

Parents are not powerless when it comes to addressing eating disorders in teenagers!

Eating disorders in teenagers is a delicate subject matter, but champions like Dana are working hard to help us parents learn more so we can help our kids. If you were to fill a book with everything we talked about in this interview, these would be the chapters:

The un-shaming process
Accepting the power of advertisements
“Pulling back the curtain” on these industries
Destigmatizing “fat” bodies
Idolizing looks vs idolizing health
The love-hate relationship with social media
Redefining “overweight” and debunking the BMI (again!)
Positive language around teen exercise
The privilege of “clean eating”

The scope of this problem is massive, but sculptable. If we’re going to protect against eating disorders in teenagers, we’re going to have to do the work! You can help do your part by giving this episode a listen!

Ep 30: Puberty and Body Changes Sep 05, 2018

Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty, reveals when to start talking about puberty, how to start the conversation, and the important topics to discuss. Suanne also explains how to use techniques from Motivational Interviewing to improve your effectiveness during these talks.

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Watching teenagers going through puberty can feel like a serious loss of control. Not only are you seeing your teen go through intense physical changes, but you’re bearing witness as their personality evolves every single day. One day you wake up and they’re not only taller than you, but hanging out with kids you’ve never met and using slang you don’t understand! The social and emotional changes going on inside them are like nothing they’ve ever felt before—and like nothing you’ve ever had to deal with as a parent.

These changes are occurring because teenagers going through puberty are preparing themselves for independent adult life. You want your teenager to ride this evolutionary wave and become a functional, autonomous adult—but allowing them to have independence is terrifying! What do you do when your teen begins staying out late with their friends, driving, forming romantic relationships, and making their own decisions?

As our teenagers are going through puberty, it’s important to talk to them about values and behavior so they can become strong, happy adults. It can be hard to have these talks, but they are so valuable when it comes to protecting teens’ well-being! We want teenagers going through puberty to be independent and make their own choices, but without guidance, they might end up making choices they regret.

Today’s guest is Dr. Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains. She’s helped kids and parents as a pediatrician for over 30 years, and sits on several counsels for the American Academy of Pediatrics. She’s not only an academic professional in the field of child development, but has also been at the wheel herself as the mother of three adult sons.

A Doctor and A Mom!

In fact, Dr. Connelly originally decided to write a book about teenagers going through puberty when she noticed a certain disparity between her experiences as a mother and a pediatrician. As a mom, she would constantly hear other mothers brag about how successful or healthy their kids were. In her practice, however, she found that the majority of parents tended to be insecure about their child’s physical, social, mental and emotional progress; things that they couldn’t control. As a doctor, Suanne discovered what worries parents the most about teenagers going through puberty. As a mother, she realized just how afraid adults are to talk about those worries.

Knowing that many parents were embarrassed to discuss these anxieties, she decided to become a public voice that could offer solutions to common worries. She resolved to use her knowledge from years of working with teens as a health professional and a mother to help put parents everywhere at ease.

In this episode, Dr. Connelly shares tips on how to help parents with teenagers going through puberty navigate the physical aspect of these changes, and so much more. She starts by answering the common query about when parents should step in and begin having conversations with teenagers about their developing bodies.

A Secret Tell-Tale Sign of Puberty

Interestingly, Suanne says the best time to start talking to teenagers about puberty is when you notice a change in their foot size! She explains that teenagers grow from the outside in, and their feet and hands are generally the first to get bigger. When you observe a change in the size of your kid’s feet, this means they are in the beginning stage of teenagers going through puberty.

So, your teenager has outgrown their third pair of sneakers this month and you’re off to the shoe store again. It might be time to finally address their physical transformation. You want to reach out to them...but you’re not quite sure how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.

As a doctor, Suanne gives “the talk” every day. It’s not the same “talk” you might be thinking of, in which parents give their teens information about the birds and the bees. Instead, this “talk” is more of an interview. It’s the time of a pediatric exam when the doctor takes a teen or pre-teen aside from their parents and asks them about substance use, sexual activity, and social life, among other things. Delivering these talks for so many years has helped Suanne understand how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.

And she’s here to share them with you!

The Big Question

I start by asking Dr. Connelly the million dollar question: how do we start these conversations with teenagers going through puberty? Instead of asserting yourself to start a conversation about puberty teenage years, Dr. Connelly recommends asking your teenager for permission first. Asking your teenager if they’re comfortable talking about what’s going on with them helps you seem more approachable. It also allows them to feel comfortable, like they have a certain control over the conversation. They’ll be more receptive to talking about themselves and their experiences if they’ve agreed to do so first.

Motivational Interviewing

This is part of an approach to counseling called motivational interviewing. This emerging technique is highly recommended by the American Association of Pediatrics, and is one of the most promising methods for counseling of any kind—but especially for having tough talks with teenagers going through puberty. It stresses the practice of empathy, a lack of judgment, and positive reinforcement.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually very simple! I’ll walk you through the basics.

Say you want to talk to your teen about the dangers of smoking or vaping.

Start out by asking your teenager if they would be open to a conversation on the subject. By asking them first, you’re sending them the message that the two of you are on the same level and providing a safe space. You’re showing them respect and in doing so, gaining trust.

If they agree to a discussion, you can ask them some questions about smoking: do they smoke or vape? Do their friends smoke or vape? How do they feel about the idea of smoking overall?

The next thing to focus on when responding to these questions is positive reinforcement. If your child says that their friends smoke and vape but they don’t, praise them for their ability to maintain their integrity in the face of peer pressure. That’s not easy, and they should be recognized for their strength of character. But at the same, refrain from judging or scolding your teenager as much as you can because negative reinforcement is not as healthy.

But how do you positively reinforce behavior you don’t agree with, such as smoking? You don’t. You want to hold off on judgment and use empathy instead. In many cases, teens get into smoking due to peer pressure, a force that parents like Suanne can totally relate to and empathize with. Many parents can feel pressured from other parents to conform to certain ideas about raising children. And I think everyone has felt pressured to change an opinion based on what coworkers and friends might think.

Teachable Moments

So how can we judge our kids for being susceptible to someth...

Ep 29: Finding Your Identity Aug 31, 2018

Paul Angone, author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask In Your Twenties, discusses the process of finding your identity and your unique "secret sauce" to bring to the world. The key is to push teens to take on increasingly more responsibility in their lives while also taking the right kinds of risks.

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Full show notes

Similarities between Adolescence and Your 20s

While at times we feel freed from the teenage identity issues that held us back in our youth, there are moments in our adult life when we feel just as small and humiliated as we did at 16. It’s undeniable that recovering from hardship can gradually make you more resilient and able to face challenges. If dealt with healthily, lessons learned from hardship can inspire creative and professional pursuits later in life. However, you must first develop the maturity and introspective skills to be able to look back and laugh, knowing that you’re wiser because of the mistakes you’ve made.

A variety of pressures can contribute to teenage identity issues. While it’s not necessary for a teen to decide what they want to do with their lives at 14, it’s at this age teens begin thinking about how their grades, extracurricular activities, and hobbies can determine what they do with their future. Comparing your teen's successes to those of peers can further complicate this issue.

Is it bad that your teen is only focusing on soccer while their friend plays two sports while also putting in volunteer hours? It can be damaging to a teen’s self esteem to give in to comparing themself to their peers. While healthy competition between teens can be used as a motivational tool, comparing often gives way to feelings of inferiority. Instead of motivating a teen to work harder, it might cause them to have a “why should I even try?” attitude.

As a parent, you should avoid telling your teen what to do with their life because they might directly rebel against you or feel like their choices belong to you, not to them. It’s a tricky line you walk as a parent; you want to help them through any teenage identity issues by showing them their unrealized strengths, yet still give them freedom. Teenagers crave control and it would disservice your relationship if you were to push them too hard—but what if their lack of motivation is getting in the way of their success?

For Paul Angone, the answer to these teenage identity issues came in the form of a question––101 to be exact. Often labeled as a one of the "leading voices to millenials,” Angone is the author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties (And Let's Be Honest, Your Thirties too). He has also studied the generational differences between Millenials and Baby Boomers, and started the popular blog All Groan Up a place for those asking “what now?”

In this episode, we discuss how Paul uses 101 questions to help teens discover who they are, to use success and failure to shape (but not define) your future, and to recognize the false facades social media often presents as reality. Though this book focuses on your 20s, in this interview we dive into how reading this book during adolescence can actually be a “cheat sheet” to overcoming teenage identity issues and determining what you want to do with your future.

Finding your Secret Sauce and Learning from Failures

Paul talks at length about teenage identity issues and the process of finding your “secret sauce.” This sauce is a combination of your god-given strengths as well as strengths you’ve acquired by persevering through hard times. For example, your teen may be naturally gifted at math but what really makes them unique is how failing a history test forced them to study harder than ever before. Getting a good grade in history meant more to your teen than excelling in math because their hard work actually paid off. Your teen’s secret sauce is not only what they’re naturally gifted at but the work they are willing to put in to gain new strengths.

The key to encouraging teens to take on more responsibilities is teaching them to take the right kind of risks. You need to help them get out of their comfort zones and try something they are afraid of without causing teenage identity issues. It’s important to show your teen everything they can gain from taking a risk––new friends, new exciting experiences, a more well-rounded outlook on life.

Paul recognizes that while getting your teen to try new things may be challenging, the reward oftentimes outweighs the risk. Things that seem unfamiliar and intimidating can end up being formative experiences for teens. Say your kid is unsure of whether they want to go to tennis camp or not. Perhaps this is the first time they’ll be away from you for a week. There’s a chance that they won’t like the other kids or that they’ll realize they’re the worst tennis player there. But maybe, being the “worst” will force them to work harder than everyone else and to learn from older kids who were once in their place.

Like taking risks, assigning new responsibilities to teens doesn’t come without its struggles. There may be times your teen will fail because they are unfamiliar with handling big responsibilities of their own. It’s tempting as a parent to automatically drop everything and take some of the stress off their teen’s hands. In order to help kids overcome teenage identity issues, Paul urges you to not succumb to this temptation right away. He states that you need to determine how big this fall is going to be and how much it’ll be worth it to come out on the other side a more capable person.

Most of the time, experiencing new things or taking on a new responsibility is not as scary as it seems. Part of overcoming teenage identity issues is dependent on how much they learn from new experiences or even failures. Sometimes the risks they take may even lead to their greatest achievements.

Social Media Pressures on Teen Identity

Paul also touches on the role that social media plays in contributing to teenage identity issues. He discusses the idea of Obsessive Comparison Disorder, which is perceived success that other people are displaying online. Paul has figured out a whole new dimension to the fears that arise from the presence of social media in a teen’s life, and in this episode he dives in to how parents can help reduce the impact it has on their kid.

Of course no one wants to reveal their greatest insecurities online. But teens aren’t wired to see this when they’re looking at a picture on Instagram of someone winning 1st place, or at prom with their beautiful girlfriend, or getting accepted to their first pick of college. They only see what they don’t have. In this episode, Paul explains how parents can help teens understand the false facades of social media along with other tactics to overcoming teenage identity issues, including…

Helping your teens find their soul values-- core beliefs that drive their future decisions
Determining what your teens are and aren’t willing to sacrifice for success
Teaching your kids to think before they post

This was a very uplifting and therapeutic episode that really gets you to think about personal growth you’ve made since your teen years. I hope that this 43 minute discussion with Paul Angone will help you share with your kids how hard times and failures in life can help them overcome teenage identity issues.

Ep 28: Connect then Redirect Aug 15, 2018

Todd Cartmell, author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids, explains how to get a strong bond with a teenager and then use this as a home base to redirect them to a better way. He says you need to start by fixing your relationship with the teen, then their behavior will follow.

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Full show notes

Connect Then Redirect

Parents of teens are all too familiar with this scenario: You want to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen but you’re often met with indifference. You try to think of simple, non-invasive questions that might get them to engage with you. “How’s school?” “Who’s that girl you’ve been hanging out with?” “What did you and Jason see at the movies?” And you’re met with one word responses: “good,” “no one,” “I don’t know.” Maybe all you get is silence because they don’t even bother to take out their headphones.

It’s understandable; your kids do not want to talk to you about who they have a crush on or why they’re fighting with their best friend. We can all remember feeling embarrassed by our parents. Thinking every little thing they say is annoying, believing that everything they do is an attempt to completely control our lives. But now that you’re a parent, you probably feel differently.

This constant battle to find ways to build a strong bond with your teenage kids can feel frustrating and even hurtful at times. You try so hard to not just be their protector but their confidant, to show them how much you care and want to be there for them. You want your teens to come to you with their problems, but your eagerness to help might make them run the other way.

Obviously, it’s important to help steer your teen in the right direction when they are facing the many challenges, peer pressures, and awkward situations that come with adolescence. You want them to make responsible choices and be respectful towards others but how can you find ways to build a strong bond with your teen if they won’t open up to you?

Todd Cartmell has some solutions for this. In addition to being a clinical child psychologist, Cartmell is the author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids. This book discusses various ways to build a strong bond with your teen by partaking in simple, leisurely activities that help develop a mutual respect between parent and child.

Manifesting Time Together

Having raised two boys, Cartmell uses his parenting experiences to pinpoint ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He explains that before delving into conversations about “the hard stuff,” you first have to focus on creating an enjoyable environment for them. This translates into doing activities that they enjoy, not just stuff that you like to do.

Instead of forcing them to go shopping or watch football, which they might find excruciatingly boring, seek out an activity that your teen is interested in. For example, Cartmell saw that though he himself found little joy in playing Mario Kart, it was a game that his boys loved to play. He realized that it didn’t matter whether he liked playing the game or not. You have to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen in a setting that they are comfortable in—even if that means spending an entire afternoon being brutally beaten at video games.

Parent’s must realize that as their kids grow older and find new interests, opportunities to spend quality time with them become more scarce. Cartmell reiterates that participating in seemingly one-sided activities can actually be a tool for developing camaraderie with your kids. He states that these activities often serve as catalysts for more important conversations to come up. Manifesting opportunities to have fun with your kids will help them see you in a more positive light and will in turn make them more willing to listen when it comes to having more difficult conversations.

Operant Conditioning and the Pour On Technique

Cartmell discusses the benefits of using operant conditioning techniques with teenagers, which are associations between particular behaviors and the positive or negative consequences that follow. These techniques are especially helpful when it comes to distilling values and finding ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He encourages parents to sit down with their teens and mutually agree on specific values to work on, such as integrity or respect. You must then show your teen how learning these values can benefit them in multiple facets of their life. For example, when discussing the values of respect you must establish that it’s not only a crucial element of teen-parent relationships, it’s also important in any friendship or romantic relationship. Showing them the social worth in these values may increase the effectiveness that these conversations have on them.

Cartmell also discusses a method he calls the Pour on Technique. After you’ve discussed why values such as respect are important, the Pour on Technique then requires you to focus on High Frequency. This means being extremely attentive in identifying when your teen is acting in a respectful manner and consistently praising them for doing so. Responding at a High Frequency means you need to notice every time they are being respectful, not just 25% of the time. This teaches them to always associate respectful behavior with a reward, whether that be increased privileges or positive feedback on your behalf.

Cartmell also emphasizes the importance of complimenting teens in a concrete way that specifically identifies what they’ve done right and why you appreciate it so much. Rather than simply saying “Good job!” say “I really appreciate that you cleaned the dishes after I only asked you one time.” Specifically identifying positive behaviors and complimenting them for it are great ways to build a strong bond with your teen and encourage them to continue practicing good habits.

Creating No-Judgement Zones

In addition to spending time doing activities your teens enjoy, Cartmell urges you to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen that are intellectually stimulating without being intimidating. He states that it’s important for families to create no-judgement zones where teens can practice conversational skills and develop opinions on various topics.

Cartmell suggests a game where all participants sit in a circle and one person holds an object, such as a red ball. Whoever’s holding the ball has the floor to share their views on a given topic. Once they're done, the next one with the ball is only allowed to share their opinion once they’ve summarized everything the last person said. This teaches your teen that in order to be heard, they in turn have to give the same respect and attentiveness to others.

Bonding Exercises and Correcting Bad Habits

In this interview, Cartmell further discusses exercises for encouraging positive habits and ways to build a strong bond with your teen. Other topics we cover include:

Developing the foundation for a strong and trusting parent-teen relationship
Determining when and how to approach hard subjects with your kids
Identifying the root of your teen’s bad habits and changing them
How creating connections with your kids at a young age can steer them away from nega...

Ep 27: Awkward Talks with Teens Aug 09, 2018

David McGlynn, author of "One Day You'll Thank Me" along with two other books, gets candid about tough talks. By stepping up and doing the awkward talks with his own kids, McGlynn developed some important insights about how to approach the toughest parenting conversations.

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Full show notes

How do you keep a straight face when your 12-year-old son calls his younger brother a “humongous dick weed?” Of course it’s not okay, but it can be a little hard not to laugh.

Starting difficult conversation with teens in moments like this can prevent small problems from turning into bigger ones. If you fail to do so, you might find yourself called into the principal’s office from work because your son got in trouble for swearing at his classmates.

This is what happened with David McGlynn and his boys. David is an associate professor of English at Lawrence University, and an award-winning author of three books: The End of the Straight and Narrow, A Door in the Ocean, and One Day You’ll Thank Me: Lessons From an Unexpected Fatherhood. He has written for Men’s Health, Real Simple, Parents, The New York Times, Swimmer, Best American Sports Writing, and numerous other literary journals. He has amazing stories to share, especially when it comes to starting difficult conversation with teens.

Honest Relationships

David’s third book, One Day You’ll Thank Me, shares many humorous anecdotes from his life raising two boys. What all of these stories boil down to, though, is one relatable struggle of a father trying to connect with his sons. When starting difficult conversation with teens, he found that it was important to have a strong connection first. Creating a strong connection with teenagers, though, is easier said than done.

Teenagers will do almost anything to avoid trouble with parents. They are especially well-versed in lying to get out of trouble. Research on teenage truthfulness shows that most teens lie to their parents. David was no exception, and he relates his experiences as a boy to his own sons.

As a teenager David was always willing to lie to get out of trouble with his mom. The one person he never lied to, though, was his dad. I really wanted to know the secret to this relationship that allowed such openness with his father.

David had an unusual relationship with his father. He only saw his dad four weeks out of the year growing up. Most conversations they had were via payphone. Cramped in a small phonebooth, talking through a wire, David says he felt like he was in a confessional booth. Starting difficult conversation with teens was easy with his dad because there was a sense of anonymity due to their physical distance. This alone is not what produced David’s honesty, however.

What David’s dad did that made him feel like he could be honest and open was NOT JUDGE. David says that his father always was, and still is, calm. Starting difficult conversation with teens was easier for David because his dad would never yell at, shame, or criticize him. With kindness and patience, his dad taught him over the phone how to be more truthful.

David’s dad taught him that parents should be calm, non-judgmental, and ready to listen before starting difficult conversation with teens.

Most parents, though, aren’t starting difficult conversation with teens via payphone. So, what is some more practical advice for parents?

Why Don’t Teens Wanna Talk? It Could be Tech

As a teacher, David learned that starting difficult conversation with teens was easier when parents empathized with the awkwardness. In his classroom, David has found that face-to-face conversations among his students had become more rare. Discussions were happening more and more over text messages, and he believes an element of connectedness is lost in this change. He observes that teens are using texting as a way of avoiding awkwardness in relationships.

Teens are awkward people, highly emotional, and sensitive. As they are still developing their social skills, starting difficult conversation with teens face-to-face can be a source of anxiety for them. Because of this, a lot of teens seem to be reverting to texting as a way to avoid awkwardness in conversations. Inadvertently, they can be missing out on opportunities to learn important social skills such as intimacy, trust, and reading others’ social cues. This can affect how willing teens are to embrace awkward, albeit serious, conversations at home.

David points out that no matter how much tech we put between us and other people, we are still human beings! We need strong, in-person relationships. He says that there is something powerful about looking someone in the eye and saying,

“I know this is not an easy topic, but it’s something we need to talk about.”

I love this because it ties in so well with our research at Talking to Teens!

Embrace the Awkward

Something we teach parents at Talking to Teens is to embrace the awkward and frame the awkward as a sign of love. Parents must acknowledge that although certain topics are awkward for both parties, starting difficult conversation with teens about these topics are necessary.

When it was time for David to talk to his boys about sex, he felt awkward and scared. He had found “searches” on the family iPad, and knew that his 8-year-old son was beginning to get adventurous in his online searches. He knew the talk was necessary, but was so afraid of messing up and making his boys feel uncomfortable about the topic.

“If I screw this up, they’ll never listen to me again…”

To find a way to make “the talk” less awkward, he asked his students about their “talks” with their parents.

Unanimously, his students responded by saying how awkward it was! Apparently, no parent had found a way to make the talk not awkward. David thought his students were being useless and unhelpful, until he realized:

“No matter what I do, the conversation is going to be awkward! Great!”

So David had the conversation with his boys, and it was very awkward, and it was great.

David says that the awkwardness was actually a gift! He explains it was good to brave the awkwardness and step up and do the talk––That’s what parents do. He relates it to the way that we don’t love disciplining our kids, but we know that our kids need to face consequences every once in a while.

Kids need to know that awkward conversations are normal, and it’s okay to just put them out there. The hope, David says, is that our children might come back later and share other awkward things that are going on so parents can help. Plus, he wants his boys to be confident that he and his wife will always be open to starting difficult conversation with teens no matter how awkward.

So Many Applications

Of course there are lots of nuances to starting difficult conversation with teens depending on what kind of conversation you want to have. That’s why we covered so...

Ep 26: The Teenage Achievement Trap Jul 23, 2018

Brandilyn Tebo, bestselling author of The Achievement Trap and a retreat leader and life coach, says it's important for parents to help teens develop a practice of unconditional self love. This episode is full of word-for-word scripts you can use to make it happen with your own teenager.

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Full show notes

A fear of shame can be pretty darn motivating. We can place our teens’ worth in their accomplishments, like a carrot in front of a bunny rabbit, and get some impressive results from them. However, if they stumble and mess up, our teens will experience shame.

If our teenager’s sense of self-worth tied directly to their achievements, they might feel unworthy of love after falling short. When teens feel this shame, they can sometimes try to cope with dangerously self-destructive behavior. But if we don’t motivate our teens with an innate fear of shame, how can we be sure they’re inspired enough to achieve success on their own? Are there ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth that will inspire them to be successful?

I’m here with the amazing transformational coach, Brandilyn Tebo, to provide the answer!

I was definitely eager to hear if she knew some ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth. Brandilyn is the author of The Achievement Trap: The Overachiever, People-Pleaser, and Perfectionist’s Guide to Freedom and True Success. She believes everything we do should be a joyful form of self-expression, and not a fearful form of self-justification. She travels the world teaching empowerment workshops to high schools, prisons, colleges, and Fortune 500 companies. Her website features a blog, and a podcast, and all of her knowledge is backed by research!

The Achievement Trap

The idea that you’re only good enough by virtue of your accomplishments is what Brandilyn calls The Achievement Trap.

The Achievement Trap tells us that being worthy of love is not our birthright. It’s a belief that Brandilyn finds highly objectionable, because as social creatures, humans need to feel loved. She wants all of us, especially teens, to learn that we are worthy of love regardless of our level of success.

When pursuing ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, parents need to identify their own self-esteem issues that’ve been passed on to their offspring. Brandilyn explains that the Achievement Trap is an inherited belief system that parents pass on to future generations, mainly out of love! This is because parents believe that if they ignore the value of success when pressuring their children, then their kids will fail to make anything with their lives. She understands this parental fear, that kids will be unhappy and unfulfilled if they are not motivated to be successful.

It’s so easy to believe that the best ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth are through pressure tactics. If your teen isn’t pressured to get straight-As, doesn’t that mean they will be less likely to have success and happiness? This isn’t what Brandilyn believes. A perfect report card is not the best predictor of success, and it’s a terrible predictor of happiness.

Choosing Who You Want to Be

Yes, there are worthy benefits to having academic success. However, Brandilyn is confident that straight-As can be a byproduct of a healthier goal, and not the goal itself. There are ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth free from the fear of failure.

Brandilyn believes that in order to find ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, we need to teach them to choose who they want to be in every moment. Teens need to know that they don’t have to get straight-As to prove they value their education. They can choose to be a curious learner regardless of the results.

One of the most effective ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth is to teach them that results don’t actually matter. Results are irrelevant to how teens perceive themselves. In fact, Brandilyn points out that if you are being who you want to be “in the moment,” then the results will show up. If a teen chooses to be a curious learner, they will probably learn and get a good grade.

This might sound like wishful thinking, but this alternative idea to The Achievement Trap is what Brandilyn’s research and teaching is all about!

The “Secret to Happiness”

Brandilyn swears that ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth begin with a simple idea. She says the idea of being committed to something and simultaneously unattached to the results is the “secret to happiness.” But how do you learn to be unattached to the results of something you’re committed to?

There’s nuance between being committed to your teen get straight-As, and ensuring your teen values learning. When your commitment is to a perfect report card, both you and your teen will feel ashamed when they come home with a B. When the commitment is to the learning itself, though, you will both have the freedom to address the sub-perfect report card free of shame!

Among the most valuable ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth is refraining from placing too much importance on grades. If you criticize your teen for getting a B, they might be more motivated to get an A, but that is different from being more motivated to learn. If your teen is afraid of the shame of a B, what’s to stop them from cheating to get the A? If your commitment is instead to the value of learning, then the B means something totally different! Instead of the grade being a failure, it becomes an opportunity to grow. You can say:

“Hey, nice work. I can see you’re learning. What might you do differently to learn more next semester? What is hard to learn about this subject?”

This detaches the grade from the child’s sense of self-worth. It still emphasizes that learning is important, but it does so without attacking your teen as a bad learner. If you are unattached from the idea of a perfect report card, you have the freedom to be curious about what your teen is struggling with. You can inspire your teen to overcome obstacles by reinforcing their identity as a good, curious learner.

To free ourselves up to have these conversations and find ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, Brandilyn notes an important step that parents ought to consider…

Sourcing the Fear

Brandilyn explains that we’ve all been programmed to motivate ourselves through fear and shame. We are taught them as supposedly proven ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth. She believes that as a parent, though, the best thing you can do is look within yourself. In what ways are you still holding onto beliefs about The Achievement Trap?

Your kids are going to be affected by your behavior around this belief system. It’s important to look out for ways they’re picking up leftover beliefs about The Achievement Trap, and addressing them. The best question you can ask, according to Brandilyn, is:

“Who are you afraid of losing love from?”

For example, if your child comes ...

Ep 25: Mental Strength for Teens Jul 10, 2018

Amy Morin, bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, and a leading expert on how to instill grit and emotional strength in children, discusses lessons she learned from her years as a foster parent to dozens of children and as a psychologist who helps families through difficult transitions.

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Full show notes

At some point your child may have to deal with the sudden loss of a job, or a friend, or even you or your spouse. If your kid isn’t prepared to deal with fear and other hard emotions in life, these big events can be devastating. Being unable to deal with hardship can lead to addictive and self-destructive behaviors. How do you prepare your kids for the hardest moments in life?

Some hardships in life you just can’t predict, but there are still steps you can take to prepare. Your teen doesn’t know when a grandparent is going to be diagnosed with an illness, but you can teach your teen about resilience through a mental toughness activity. More often than not, teaching your kid mental toughness is knowing when to role model, and when to step back and let them learn on their own. It’s a fine line!

To help understand what actions parents can take to help their child with mental toughness, I spoke with Amy Morin. Amy is one of the world’s leading experts on mental strength, and she is all about practical advice. Her TED Talk has over 13 million views and is one of the 30 most popular talks of all time. It sheds light on what a true mental toughness activity looks like. She is a foster parent with incredible stories about resilience, and the author of the international bestseller, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.

On this episode I got to talk to her about her new book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. (Yes, Parents, specifically.)

At this point, some of you might be asking, “Wait, I thought this was about mental strength for kids?”

Teenage Resistance to Behavior Modification

It’s true, Amy wrote this book because one of the top questions she got from the first was, “What’s a mental toughness activity for kids that actually works?”

Amy agrees that this is a valid question. Kids don’t go to kindergarten and first grade to learn a mental toughness activity, but they are immediately swamped with homework and the fear of messing up.

Kids need to learn cognitive social skills earlier. Studies show that kids in college feel academically prepared, but lack the social and emotional skills to deal with stress, loneliness, and other new life problems. If school isn’t teaching a mental toughness activity at all, parents are left responsible for teaching kids resilience. This is okay!

Amy points out that, as a parent, you probably know your kid’s tendencies better than anyone. This also means that your kid is aware of your tendencies as a parent. When children enter the teen years, they are sensitively tuned into the ways you might try to modify their behavior and often pull away. It’s going to be tricky to teach a mental toughness activity (or any life lesson) if they’re trying to differentiate from you.

Studies show the need for teenage autonomy peaks at 14. Having autonomy means grasping for your own authority. It can be threatening for parents when their household authority is questioned by teens in a power struggle. How do you keep control when your teenager is pushing back more and more?

Amy says it’s important for a parent to show they’re in charge, but that they value their kid’s opinion. Ultimately, teenage pushback is going to ruffle your feathers, but if you can keep your cool and your values, it can be an opportunity to role model mental toughness. Amy believes that modeling values is an effective, albeit subliminal, mental toughness activity.

Role Modeling Values

Why is mental toughness so hard to teach to a teenager?

Bad situations are opportunities to make a good choice as a parent. How you respond to negative situations communicates your values. You just have to clarify what life lesson you’re trying to impart. This isn’t always easy!

Amy gives an example of a dad who told his son to clean up his toys before the rain came or he would throw them out. The son disobeyed the dad, and the toys got rained on. Now the dad had to decide whether or not he would go forward on his word. He didn’t want to throw his son’s toys out, but he also didn’t want to have to apologize to his son for saying something he didn’t mean.

Amy firmly believes, though, that if you underscore the life lesson you want to teach, you will know what you have to do. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to apologize to their kids.

If parents can role model overcoming fear of apologizing to their children, it will be a lot easier to teach teens to overcome fear when they encounter it. If teens see you facing your fear, they’ll be a little bit more receptive when you try to engage them in a mental toughness activity.

Teaching Teens to Tolerate Fear

Teaching your kid a mental toughness activity to tolerate fear will help them grow in resilience, and be more prepared for stressful situations as an adult.

You might think that teens have no fear. They’re trying drugs and driving cars too fast, but they are still scared to do things like give a presentation or admit their mistakes.

You might think you’re doing them a favor by saying,

“It’s not a big deal.”

“That presentation will be over before you know it. Don’t even worry about it.”

But minimizing teens’ fears doesn’t help them learn about overcoming obstacles!

Amy says a conversation can help so much. Asking a teen about his or her worries shows that fear isn’t something to be minimized, but something that they need to go through. When you are validating your teen’s fears and giving them your attention, you will find the opportunity to teach him or her a mental toughness activity. Amy even offers some examples of healthy ways teens can cope with their discomfort.

Takeaways for Parents!

When the hardest days in life happen, facing your emotions can be terrifying. Amy has learned from painful life experiences that you should not let fear stop you.

There’s no one mental toughness activity that can fully prepare a person for grief and loss, but there are tools and strategies that you can give your kids for when that day comes. Sometimes, you might find a mental toughness activity that your teen eagerly adopts. Other times the best you can do is be a role model! Either way, every teen is different and needs their own mental toughness activity that works for them. Thankfully, Amy knows what she’s talking about and has a lot that she’s willing to share. Other topics we discuss in this interview include:

Why kids need to be bored sometimes
Letting your kid learn how to fail
“Speak Up or Shut Up” - the art of walking this fine line
Your kid with authorities
How to set good rules in the house
Shared journaling
Parents on learning tech savviness
The effects of social media on teens
Power struggles in the house
Competitio...

Ep 24: Adolescent Neuroscience Jun 29, 2018

Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We Are, discusses the fascinating science of why social experiences are also heightened during the teenage years. In this episode she reveals what you should teach your teen about friendships and relationships.

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Full show notes

After all these years, you think you’d know your kid, but there seems to be no end to the surprises, bombshells, and blind turns! Just when you assume your teenager will behave one way, they start doing what you’d never expect. As a parent, you know that teens make often make irresponsible decisions, change their opinions like T-shirts, and behave in ways that generally don’t seem to make any sense at all.

So. what the heck is going on inside the adolescent brain?! Without knowing what’s going on under the hood, we never know if our will listen to our conversations or discount them as “uncool” before embarking on their own program. It can feel impossible to decode the adolescent brain and understand teenagers’ motivations.

However, there is a way to help the adolescent brain develop the right decision-making tools, so our teens are prepared for a life good choices. The answer comes down to having the right approach. If we can educate ourselves on the right way to talk to a teenager, we can avoid pursuing strategies that simply fail in the end.

My guest in this episode is Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We Are. She also has her own psychology practice in Bristol, England, where she works one-on-one with kids and teens every day. As a writer, university lecturer, and expert in cognitive behavioral therapy, she is a great source of knowledge for how we can understand the adolescent brain and use that understanding to become better parents.

Molding the Adolescent Brain for Success

The first thing parents need to know about molding the adolescent brain is how flexible it is. For example, Lucy’s book examines how we experience a phenomenon called an “adolescent memory bump.” This refers to the way memories from the adolescent brain are recalled much more vividly or intensely than memories of other times in our lives. The adolescent brain is very impressionable, and the experiences we have during this time can stay with us for a lifetime. That’s why it’s important to guide our teens through this period, so that they can enter into adulthood happy and functional.

Lucy has done a lot of research into how we can shape the adolescent brain with conversations about tricky topics—with some pretty interesting results.

She starts by critically examining how we often focus on our children’s behavior. Often, we help our kids make good choices by rewarding or punishing them for good and bad actions. Sometimes, in doing this, we forget to talk to them about the values at work behind their decisions. According to Lucy, these value discussions are some of the most important talks we can have with our kids, because they go deeper than the surface. Instead of just scolding or praising them for their behavior, we are providing them with guidelines for how to approach any situation.

It harkens back to the classic idea of teaching a man to fish. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But if you can teach him how to fish, he’ll be able to feed himself for the foreseeable future! If we simply tell kids how to act, our words may stick for a moment but likely will not last in their heads. By teaching your teen to have strong values, they’ll be able to evaluate situations and act according to their moral compass, even when you’re not around.

Finding Time to Talk (And Listen!)

It’s delicate, however, to find the right time to sit down with our teenagers to talk about such broad and important topics. Research shows that the adolescent brain can be pretty resistant to advice from their parents. Lucy suggests converting these conversations into bite sized pieces and slipping them in during everyday activities. Try talking to your kids about the importance of hard work while driving. Teach them about the importance of kindness while taking a weekly trip to the grocery store.

It may seem strange, but by putting less emphasis on the discussion, your teenager is more likely to be receptive to the ideas you’re sharing. By keeping things simple and casual, it’s easier to transmit your message to the adolescent brain. They may not even notice that you are trying to give them serious advice--and this may work to your advantage.

Even though they may be difficult, Lucy explains why these kinds of talks are extremely important for the adolescent brain. She and I discuss a study which examined the development of “grit” among teenagers, or their ability to move past obstacles with hard work and dedication. The study revealed that the more support individuals have from their community during adolescence, the more likely they are to successfully deal with hardships that come their way.

In fact, it showed evidence that even just one strong relationship during youth helped to keep this ability to persevere strong as teens move into adulthood. As a parent, you have the chance to form that strong relationship with your teenager that will help them persist through anything.

An integral part of these discussions is taking the time to listen. Often times, we want to warn our teenagers about everything to stop them from going through all the things that we experienced at their age. While this is important, it’s very valuable to have an open mind to what your child is saying and understand that they are likely experiencing different things than you are. One thing Lucy stresses is not coming into these conversations with everything planned out, but instead letting the conversation be fluid between the two of you.

Taking Pressure off The Adolescent Brain

Remember that the adolescent brain is under enormous amounts of pressure nowadays. Teenagers have to make decisions on a daily basis about their social lives, academics, and extracurriculars. They’re considering the future, trying to decide who they’re going to be and what they’re going to do with themselves. Everything feels so intense during this period, your teen may feel that one wrong decision can ruin their life. They may need to talk to you about all this confusion and fear.

Lucy stresses the importance of reminding them that life is long, and not every choice is as important as it seems. She also promotes the idea of helping your teen identify the positive and negative consequences of every decision. This is another good behavior to teach them that they can carry with them as they go forward in life.

According to Lucy, this idea of evaluating pros and cons is helpful for stopping bad behavior as well. Instead of telling a teenager that smoking weed is wrong, talk to them about what happens when they decide to partake in the drug. While they will feel temporary relief from anxiety or may seem cool to their friends (pros), they risk becoming dependent on the substance, becoming distracted, or doing regrettable things under the influence (cons). By addressing the pros along with the cons, you’re showing your teenager that you understand, instead of just bossing them around.

In the episode, Lucy discusses these ideas and more. She breaks down just how the adolescent brain is thinking. Although it may seem like an unsolvable puzzle, Lucy has decided to share her secrets with us. She’s here...

Ep 23: The Terror of Teenage Rebellion Jun 15, 2018

Neal Thompson, author of Kickflip Boys, discusses the drama of raising rebellious and defiant teenagers. He reveals some of the strategies he found that worked for getting through to his kids in the end and talks about how he coped with the rebellious years.

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Full show notes

Are your boundary lines being crossed like hopscotch? Maybe this problem goes beyond the house, too. Your teen could harbor a greater rebellion towards authority than you know…

Without knowing how to deal with teenage defiance, these behaviors can spiral out of control. They might be skipping classes, dissenting coaches and teachers, and even experimenting with drugs and alcohol in risky ways.

Whatever the cause of this behavior, the stress can leave you understandably wondering how to deal with teenage defiance.

This can feel like a lonely situation for a parent. However, the guest I’m here to speak with today insists you are in fact NOT alone, and there ARE things you as a parent can do. You can learn how to deal with teenage defiance!

Neal Thompson is a father of two wonderful and rebellious boys, and he captures his inspiring story in his book Kickflip Boys: A Memoir of Freedom, Rebellion, and the Chaos of Fatherhood. Neal has learned some valuable lessons on how to deal with teenage defiance in a positive way. A lot of the lessons he credits to his wife.

It’s easy to think within the constructs of societal roles that Neal would be the “bad guy” dad, and his wife would be the “comforting” mom, but it wasn’t really like that for him. He explains that he and his wife are equal partners, and they each have a different style of parenting their two boys. Still, it was his wife who found a lot more success in getting their boys to open up.

Patience

Here’s a lesson about patience from a skateboarder. Neal loves skateboarding, and was thrilled when his boys got into skateboarding, too. His wife was interested because the boys were interested, but she kept her distance from the skateboarding community. When the “dark side” of the skateboarding community showed its edge in the teenage years, Neal didn’t know how to deal with teenage defiance with patience.

When his boys would push back in rebellion, Neal admits his tendency was to instantly go to a place of stress and anger. Neal liked skateboarding culture and was around it all the time, but when the rebellious side came out, he struggled to stay calm. Doing nothing didn’t register as an option when he saw his boys make poor decisions within a culture he loved.

It was easier for Neal’s sons to his wife because she had a calmer demeanor. She wouldn’t yell and scream like he would. She knew how to deal with teenage defiance by creating a safe space and listening. You might be asking, though,

“What is a safe space, and how do you create it?”

A Safe Space

When figuring out how to deal with teenage defiance, Neal noticed that his wife could diminish teenage rebellion by creating safe spaces. Neal explains that to his two boys, being in the car with mom was like being in a protective bubble.

What they didn’t necessarily know, was that she would use trips in the car to have conversations. The boys knew a relaxing car ride with mom and her calm demeanor allowed them to relax. Once they could relax, they could open up.

What’s interesting about the car is that it provides a shared objective. When everyone is in the car, the objective is to go somewhere. Any conversation that happens is a byproduct of the objective and not “a talk.” This reveals an important point of teenage defiance.

A defiant teen will get instantly defensive if you sit him or her down for “a talk.” If the objective is the conversation, and your teen is naturally defiant, then expect pushback and raised voices.

In order to create a safe space, it’s important to identify activities that are comfortable for everyone that don’t necessitate conversation. This can be going for a walk, going fishing, or working on the car. Neal and his wife found that if you can disguise your objective to have a conversation with a shared activity, you can lessen their reaction when feedback is provided. This might feel sneaky and deceptive for some parents, so I asked Neal about that, too.

Trust and Teen Privacy

Parents may be wondering how to deal with teenage defiance when it becomes such a problem that an invasion of your teen’s privacy is necessary. Neal explains his perspective on this with excerpts from his book. He describes a time when he found information about his boys by stealing their phones and doing “stealthy parent work.” With the evolution of technology, this is such an interesting issue, and teens are wondering about it, too.

I asked Neal if he thought his “stealthy parent work” backfired when his boys found out. He explained that the goal is never to spy on your kids. That by itself is bad. But you want to keep them safe. As a first line of defense, stealthy parenting is a poor tool. Being a stealthy parent runs the risk of damaging trust in the parent-teen relationship. Neal’s boys were the first to point out his invasion of their privacy.

However, when the stakes for his boys were as high as intense drug usage and alcohol, Neal found such deception to be almost necessary. He knows some parents will disagree. He also admits he may have crossed a line in some of the book’s stories. He still believes, though, that stealthy parenting should be a tool kept available for extreme scenarios.

In this new age of technology, parents have a lot to learn about how to deal with teenage defiance. What’s important to remember is that the persona of your teen online doesn’t accurately represent who they are in real life.

What Does it Mean to be a “Good” Kid

You might be wondering how to deal with teenage defiance at home, even though everyone around your teen keeps telling you they are the kindest, most hard-working kid on earth. Are we talking about the same kid?

Neal shares a story about how he had a fight with his son one morning. His boy had woken up fairly hungover from a night out, and Neal was mad about that. When his son left for work bagging groceries at the grocery store, Neal was still mad. However, when he stopped by the store later, he was surprised to see that his son had a genuine smile on his face as he helped customers at the counter. It was a side of his son he hadn’t seen before.

He realized that just because his son was an extremely rebellious teenager, didn’t mean his son didn’t care. In fact, he was the good kid Neal always thought he was, but just hadn’t had the chance to see.

Neal has some unenviable stories in learning how to deal with teenage defiance, but the value of his life lessons goes beyond words. The amount of love he has for his kids really shines, and he definitely has one or two words of knowledge for every parent in this episode.

Along with how to deal with teenage defiance, other topics covered include:

Getting permission to share stories from his family, and the greater nuances of publicly “airing dirty laundry”
Some clarity on birth order effects
Why he wishes he had relaxed and stressed less about the future

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