Something Like Marriage

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Embarrassment in a Relationship Feb 05, 2018

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How do you handle embarrassment in a relationship? Everyone handle's embarrassment differently. Sometimes we repress our embarrassment, get angry, or can laugh about what happened for years to come. The goal is to be able to talk about all emotions with your lover, including embarrassment. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Abigail Keenan) Relationship Podcast Gems: Sharing awkward moments with your lover can create deeper connection and intimacy It takes practice to share embarrassment in a relationship, especially around sexuality Jema shares her story about the time she peed her pants at college (now that's embarrassing, do you feel better?) You can see a photo of Jema's childhood chair named "Stripey" on Instagram Stream "Embarrassment in a Relationship" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

A Depression Story of Recovery Jan 29, 2018

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The process of recovering from depression began with my self-care. Recovery included medication, exercise, diet changes, and therapy. My husband also supported me during the journey by giving me perspective. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Yaoqi LAI) Relationship Podcast Gems: What brought sunshine into my life to help with my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) was the goLITE. Medication was necessary for me to "put out the fire" and reset my thinking. Self-care became a priority with exercise, time away from the kids, diet, and vitamins. Therapy was the key for me to heal my depression. Jon worked on his codependency while being empathetic and offering perspective. Listen to part one Depression and Marriage: We Tell Our Story and part two What is it Like to Be Depressed? Resources: Find out if you are dealing with depression with this depression self-test. More about the symptoms of depression. How to support a family member or a friend with depression. Get help if you are the one struggling with depression or if you are a loved one who wants to know how to support a loved one. Chat online, or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. Stream "A Depression Story of Recovery" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles. Reminder: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links. We only recommend products that have simplified and improved our lives. If you choose to purchase something we may receive a commission. And you receive our gratitude!

What it's Like to be a Depressed Wife Jan 22, 2018

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I share with Jon what it felt like for me as I struggled with depression in our relationship, shame, and motherhood. The Baby Blues are what really tipped the scales of depression for me as a young mother. The hormonal influx after delivering my children would send me time and time again into a downward spiral of clinical depression. My moods were off, my thinking was gone, and I didn't want to get out of bed. It was after my third child that I started to have thoughts of ending my life. I was in so much pain in my life, so exhausted, and my brain chemicals were so out of balance that I was no longer thinking realistically. This story has brought a lot of guilt and shame along my journey of motherhood. I am finally at a place where I can share it with you today. What is it Like to Be a Depressed? If you can imagine waking up every day with the pain of a broken arm, that is what the pain of depression felt like. The pain of the broken arm would go away with sleep, but come back the minute I would open my eyes. It wasn't getting better or healing, it was broken. The pain was getting more intense, and the infection more severe only, I was the only one who knew my arm was broken. Others may have looked at my arm and said, "Your arm looks fine. Why are you sad? Why don't you just get up and be happy? You don't have a broken arm." Being depressed is like treading water in the ocean, another wave and you think you are not going to come back up for air. You fight. You come back up for another breath. You are exhausted from trying to stay afloat, you don't know when the next wave will hit you. You sink a little more every day. Coming up for air less often. Getting carried away in the current more frequently, seeing more darkness and less light. It seems inevitable that you will drown. After a while, you begin to believe it might be better for everyone if you just got it over with. Understanding depression is difficult if you have not personally experienced the hopelessness. Today, I share with you my perspective more about what it is like to be a depressed wife and the shame I had as a mother, as well as the moment I knew I needed to seek help. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Jong Marshes) Relationship Podcast Gems: What is depression Postpartum baby blues and depression SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) related to depression from a change in the seasons Listen to part one Depression and Marriage: We Tell Our Story Stream "What it's Like to Be a Depressed Wife" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Depression in Marriage Jan 13, 2018

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Depression has affected our relationship from the beginning. In this episode we share two viewpoints - how it feels to be the person suffering from depression and how it affects the partner/spouse in the relationship. Depression and Marriage Were Normal My depression became apparent to me after having children and my doctor named this sadness that I had felt since I was young. Depression had become such a normal thing in my life that it didn't feel like something I needed to get help for, until that day in the doctor's office. I was at a point in my life where caring for myself and the family had become unmanageable and I could hardly get out of bed in the morning. She said, "the result of your questionnaire indicates that you are severely depressed. Can you tell me more about this?" Of course, I didn't want to tell her more about it as the shame swelled in my throat. I felt like a bad mom, a bad person, and weak. Something shameful was alive in my life and I had no idea how it got there or how to heal it. Jon listened to me talk about my sad days to the depth I would let him in. He worked a full-time job while I was at home with the three kids. He never knew what emotional state I would be in when he returned home. He felt helpless. My depression journey changed once I could admit to myself that I needed help and could let Jon be part of that healing journey. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Volkan Olmez) Relationship Podcast Gems: Depression is not something you can will your way out of alone Depression grows with isolation, anxiety, guilt, and shame Sharing your depression with a loved one releases the secret and begins a journey of togetherness to healing Stream "Depression in Marriage" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

The Meaning of Gifts in a Relationship Dec 16, 2017

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The meaning of gifts in our relationship happens to be very different. No surprises there! After learning more about one another on our last episode of Simplifying Holiday Gift Giving for Couples we dig in deeper to what gifts mean to us individually. I love giving gifts. It is like a puzzle waiting to be put together - taking small clues and building up to one present. A mystery to solve and smiles to be won. It shows someone that you have been thinking of them. That they are loved. It's not a chore for me. And yet, that is my perspective. Isn't it interesting how you put your own perspective on someone else? Jon relates how frustrating it can be to find the perfect gift for me. He says it's like having a professor tell you to write a final paper in college that's worth the entire grade. Except, as the student, you will not be told the topic or how long it will be. If it isn't impressive, you will fail. And not only will you fail, but you will be a bad person! I started to see gift giving from Jon's perspective. As the person with expectations, I was not giving him much to go on. I was also putting a lot of meaning on gifts. The gift was an indication of my importance to Jon. Whoa. We walked away from this episode with insight into one of our common conflicts and share that insight with you. We decided to choose a gift together this year and skip the whole mumbo-jumbo. Although, I may now want those pans. Did we mention giving gifts in a relationship is complicated? :) (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: DiEtte Henderson) Relationship Podcast Gems: Accept we are different people. I observe, take notes. Love presents. My husband doesn't love gifts. Challenge the belief that if he really loved you, he would read your mind. Be very specific if you want a specific gift. Have an idea board on Pinterest, Trello, or stick it on the fridge. Stream "The Meaning of Gifts in a Relationship" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Simplifying Holiday Gift Giving Dec 09, 2017

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With the theme of creating a peaceful holiday season, we unravel simplifying gift giving for couples during the holidays and share our history of miscommunication during Christmas. (There may be some miscommunication on the episode, always keeping it real for you.) When we were young, around thirteen, I set my expectations for Jon's gift giving. He bought me flowers (from a flower shop) and stuffed animals, and figurines. He was so romantical! Then, we got married and I fell into the belief that if Jon really loved me he would know what to buy for me (cough). That usually failed miserably. Throw in some kids or maybe four and the gift-giving chaos became too much to handle. It was obvious we needed to set some expectations for our kids and for us around gift giving. We came up with three simple gifts - gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The kids would receive something they wanted, something they could share, and something they needed. It set financial expectations for us, and they knew how many gifts would be under the tree. After we moved into this RV it not only simplified our life but minimalized our stuff. Now, we are very mindful of what we bring in because it needs to fit! We also discovered our family received more value from the experiences we chose to do together than accumulating more stuff. Simplifying Holiday Gift Giving is About Setting Expectations Everyone wants to be successful at gift giving, especially in a relationship. For us, it is important to be clear and specific. Having a conversation about what each other's expectations are can create a loving experience for both people in the relationship! That's what we want for us and for you! (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: rawpixel.com) Grab your free conversation starter for peaceful, simple gift giving. Relationship Podcast Gems: Be successful in gift giving this holiday season by setting clear expectations. Choose a system for simplifying gift giving such as the three gifts Decide if gifts mean things or experiences, or a little bit of both Stream "Simplifying Holiday Gift Giving" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles. Grab your freebie for fun conversation.

Dealing With the Holidays as a Couple Dec 04, 2017

Show notes

The holidays are a time to gather with our family, friends, and coworkers. There are social gatherings to attend and eggnog to drink. A time of joy and chatter. The holidays can also be a time of anxiety and stress. One of the tools we have found to be helpful during gatherings and in our family life is to become a gentle observer. A gentle observer, according to Maureen Graves, is someone who steps outside of the moment and notes what is happening. The gentle observer does not judge herself or himself, or other people. As we cannot control the behaviors of others, we focus on taking care of ourselves so we can have a loving experience. As Jon notes in the podcast, being a gentle observer is like becoming Ebenezer in A Christmas Carol. He is an onlooker to the past, present, and future. He can not meddle in the what is going on but merely observe from his perspective as a ghost. In this way, you can also become a spectator, you are not pulled into conversations by emotional responses. You can choose to respond, or you can choose to just watch it unfold. The gentle observer can also be a way to listen to what others have to say, even if you don't agree with their opinion. You can use it at social gatherings, when you go out shopping, or when you listen to your teenagers as they verbalize the belief systems they are trying to create. A gentle observer is a way we can be gentle with ourselves and with those we love. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Brigitte Tohm) Relationship Podcast Gems: What does it mean to be a Gentle Observer for you? Talk about what anxieties you have before attending your social setting. While observing, note your responses to the situations. Reflect with your spouse/partner on what you observed about yourself and others after the event. Grab your free conversation starter for a peaceful holiday experience this year! Stream "Dealing With the Holidays" Your Next Steps: Grab your freebie for fun conversation. Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Weird Dates Are Fun Nov 23, 2017

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Have you ever been on a weird date? Jon and I discuss weird dates and how they can stretch you out of your comfort zone. We attended the Northwest Regional Air Guitar Championships held in Portland, Oregon where we witnessed the techniques of guitarists who are judged on their costumes, techniques, and other things we have no idea about. This date was challenging for me because I like to nest in the space I am in. I wasn't too excited to head out to an old porn theater to watch people play pretend guitars. Sometimes, watching Netflix is far more comfortable. Yet, I trusted Jon to plan a date which ended up to be the best comedy show we have ever seen! I couldn't stop laughing at the strange costumes - spandex leotards, tighty whities, and tear away pants. We encourage you to take your girl/guy out on a weird date to experience something fun outside of your comfort zone. If you are interested to learn more about air guitar competitions, check out these short clips from our weird date night. (Podcast theme music: Ethan Anderson) US Air Guitar Championship Videos Weird Date Podcast Gems: Expanding out of your comfort zone can lead to discovering something new about your lover New experiences strengthen your relationship and can lead to having fun together Together you can turn a bad experience into a fun memory Stream "Weird Dates Are Fun" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Why Does She Keep Nagging Me? Nov 16, 2017

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Nagging is the constant harassment to motivate someone to do something, usually in the way you want it done. Being unique individuals in a relationship, we may have different perspectives on the right way to do things. Maybe this sounds familiar to you if you think about some of the popular sitcoms like an oldie, Everybody Loves Raymond. The guy is trying to balance his career with the complexities of having a family. The wife is losing her mind as she tries to create a smooth running household. The conflict arises out of miscommunication and with someone (usually the guy) trying to meet his own needs such as a night with the guys. The wife nags about the chips on the couch. I have been guilty of communicating with Jon my needs in a sideways attempt through statements, especially in the car. "You are driving too close." Early in our relationship, I nagged him to take out the garbage. I remember setting the garbage down in front of the door thinking that would be a good way to communicate my need to him. I watched him scoot the garbage bag to the side and walk out the door not realizing what I was getting at! Of course, we were in our own sitcom at that point. I was pissed off he didn't take out the garbage. Jon had no idea what was going on. I find nagging to be a tool I use when I am feeling unsupported with the house and kids. In the garbage scenario, I was feeling the weight of the chores on my shoulders and desired some help. Now, I would communicate that with Jon. "Jon, I am feeling overwhelmed. Can you please help me out tonight and take out the garbage?" Taking out the garbage is no longer an issue in our relationship because we gave the job to our son! A great way to get rid of that conflict. Yet, put me in the car on a day I feel irritable and have Jon drive. It is a sitcom in the making. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Matthew Hamilton ) Relationship Podcast Gems: Nagging is an indirect way to express a need What to do when you feel like nagging What to do when you are being nagged The right way to hang toilet paper (just sayin') Transform nagging into a loving experience using our conversation starter below! Stream "Why Does She Keep Nagging Me?" Your Next Steps: Grab your freebie for fun conversation. Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Keeping Score In a Relationship Nov 09, 2017

Show notes

Keeping score in a relationship is also what some couples call keeping points. I can remember keeping score, and I especially liked it when it served my purposes (wink). Jon never really understood the point system, and for a long time was clueless that I was doing such math in my head. The question is, how do you know how much something is worth? Is making coffee early in the morning equal to changing a diaper? Does watching the kids count for as many points if they are napping versus spilling drinks on the carpet while having a popcorn fight? Doesn't a stay-at-home mom or dad automatically get an additional 500 points for dealing with the daily monotony? The demands on our time once we had children intensified the balance of home, college, and work. The point system seemed to be a way for me to have permission to leverage the time I needed for myself. I wasn't in a place where I knew how to communicate my real needs to Jon. I could, however, build a case with some calculations and show him the score. Usually, yes, his score was in the negative. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Thought Catalog) Relationship Podcast Gems: The motivation behind keeping points Point keeping created a division between us What are the real needs of the relationship Giving our partner/spouse the chance to take care of us Get to Know Each Other Practice being honest with your needs. Share your needs, come up with a plan to meet your needs together (A free night off?) Practice being heard by one another Stream "Keeping Score in a Relationship" Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

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